Post by T-Robosaurus Rex on Jul 21, 2009 11:24:01 GMT -5
Vinegar: Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to Sentinel!
Hanson: Before we begin will all the crap we usually do at this point, Nick, I'd like to thank all the people who offered me sympathy for the injuries I sustained last week.
Vinegar: Of course.
Hanson: I'd like to, but I didn't even get one lousy email! That moron Severino tried to break me in half, and I would expect to get some form of "get well soon" card.
Vinegar: I'm sure you were in everyone's thoughts though, Dan.
Hanson: You'd think I'd at least of gotten a hospital visit from your momma, Nick. You know, just to see if my lil' thermometer was still working.
Vinegar: Tonight's card should be a real barnburner, folks. Infinity is less than a month away, and I think more than a few of our GIW stars might feel that they have something to prove tonight!
Hanson: See, I call it a thermometer because it goes in the mouth.
Vinegar: I'm so glad you're okay, Dan. Our main event tonight features four men who will be involved with Boss P's Global Tournament.
Hanson: We're still not sure how that tournament will play out, Nick, and if I know our feathered enforcer, it will be unlike any other tournament we've ever seen before.
"Ready to Die" comes over the loudspeakers.
Vinegar: And this guy is unlike any athlete we've seen before.
Dennis: The following is a mixed-tag contest scheduled for one fall. Making his way to the ring, accompanied by Sean Immies...ADOLPHUS, DAVIAN, DOOM!
Hanson: What do you suppose Doom's relationship with this Immies guy is, anyway?
Vinegar: I guess Immies must be his caretaker.
Hanson: What about the young man's parents? How can they sleep at night, letting their boy hang around with Willy Wonka?
Vinegar: Immies certainly made his own presence known in his charge's match last week, helping Adolphus score an upset over Komosube.
Hanson: And he got a busted nose for his troubles, Nick. Which he appears to be showing off to some kids in the front row. That's a public health nightmare.
Vinegar: Immies with a sharp tug on the leash, and Doom drags himself into the ring.
"Evolution" plays to crickets.
Dennis: And his tag team partner, from Huntington Beach, California, Andrew Clash!
Vinegar: You have to give it to our announcer Dennis Mitchell, he knows how to fake enthusiasm.
Hanson: Wait, who's this guy?
Vinegar: Andrew Clash, we announced his match last week.
Hanson: Not ringing a bell.
Vinegar: Called himself the Legend Killer. You made fun of him a lot for it.
Hanson: I make fun of a lot of people, for a lot of reasons. It gets your mom hot.
Vinegar: Clash under the bottom rope, goes to bounce off the opposite side, bit of a warm-up routine. And Doom joins in, running across the ring, though it looks like his leash is still attached.
Hanson: And Clash hits the leash neck first. He just got clotheslined by his own partner's baby harness. Man, those must have been some sucky legends.
"Critical Acclaim" on the speakers now.
Dennis: And their opponents, representing The Covenant, at a combined weight of 340 pounds, he is Mickey Dragon,and she is Chassie Fear!
Vinegar: Both of these stars have a huge opportunity waiting for them at Infinity. Dragon will be teaming up with Raenius to go for the tag team titles.
Hanson: Don't forget how they earned that shot, Nick, trading the freedom of Xavier Bryan for the match.
Vinegar: Yes, we were all witness to the torture that The Head Trip inflicted on Bryan for the past few weeks.
Hanson: Bell rings, and it looks like Dragon will be inflicting a little bit of torture on Clash, who is still looking groggy in the middle of the ring!
Vinegar: A serious of vicious stomps keeps The Legend Killer down on the mat. And now getting some airtime before hitting a vicious double knee drop!
Hanson: If I were Dragon, I would just keep that bitch down. Guess what I'm about to say next, Nick.
Vinegar: Something about my mother, I'm sure. But he's taking your advice to heart, Dan, delivering a brutal leg drop!
Hanson: That's right. Some people just feel more comfortable laying on their back. Legs open. Sometimes propped up with a pillow under the lower back.
Vinegar: And Daniel has gone into his own little world folks, but I'll do my best to keep you abreast of the happenings in the ring, though right now it's just The Head Trip berating Andrew Clash as he attempts to get off the mat.
Hanson: I appreciate you using the word breast there Nick, and speaking of, looks like Dragon's going to let his partner share in the fun a bit now.
Vinegar: Indeed, Chassie Fear enters the ring and puts Clash back onto the ground with a low dropkick! The Dark Rose finds herself as the female contingent in the Global Challenge picture. The Covenant could leave Infinity with tag gold and the title of GIW Top Asset.
Hanson: It's called Chief Nigga, Nick. And if she nails the other contenders with moves like that Lionsault she just landed on Clash, she could be it!
Vinegar: Here comes the count, this could be over already. 1, 2, No! Clash kicks out.
Hanson: Marking the first offensive move he's made all match.
Vinegar: And now Clash makes the leap across the ring to make the tag...and just finds air! His partner wasn't watching, I guess.
Hanson: I don't blame him, it's been a bit dull so far.
Vinegar: But it might pick up a bit now, Dan, because Immies pushes ADD's hand into the ring to make the tag, and now Chass finds herself being hit with a huge shoulder block!
Hanson: I'll say, that nearly knocked her all the way back to her own corner. That boy's a big old hunk of muscle, Nick.
Vinegar: Chass attempting a Codebreaker but Doom pushes her off!
Hanson: And now Sloth is waving at all the Goonies.
Vinegar: But taking your eyes off the Dark Rose isn't a smart move, no matter how strong you are. Doom taken down by a Chop Block!
Hanson: HEY YOU GUUYS!
Vinegar: And a dragon whip keeps ADD off his feet, letting Chass make the tag!
Hanson: The Head Trip bounds into the ring to nail a Shining Wizard, this is good strategy. Don't let him get hold of ya, he's got retard strength.
Vinegar: I really should just have a button that I can press when you say something that requires an apology. Anyway, Dragon looks to be setting up for a DDT.
Hanson: But Doom powers out and drops him like your mom's panties! I told you so.
Vinegar: Now he's smiling and pointing at Fear? What is he thinking?
Hanson: I got mail! I got mail! YAAAY!
Vinegar: Doom running towards the ropes now...A Lionsault!! Well, sort of.
Hanson: That was a Lionsault like our roster is normal.
Vinegar: Well, the crowd appreciated the effort anyway! Doom's soaking in a bit of applause, look at that smile!
Hanson: What the hell do you think he ate before the match? I'm guessing Cheetos, but maybe those watching at home in HD can tell a little bit better.
Vinegar: He's going for the "Lionsault" again.
Hanson: For the benefit of those at home, Vinegar applied air quotes around the word Lionsault.
Vinegar: But the Head Trip was ready for it this time, and lifts the knees!
Hanson: Hey, what's The Legend Ripper-Offer doing over on his side? Seems like he's rummaging under the ring for something.
Vinegar: Probably not the best idea, Dan, considering that the only person we have on our janitorial staff is Bones, and I don't think he's cleaned underneath that ring since it was built.
Hanson: Meanwhile, back with people the crowd actually cares about, Dragon and ADD are both struggling up to their feet. Doom is up first, and The Trip gives him a jawbreaker for his effort!
Vinegar: And now Mickey with the Spear, No! Doom counters with a big boot! To the head!
Hanson: Now a girlish scream? What the hell is going on in our arena?
Vinegar: This is what I was afraid of, Dan! Clash went were no man has been for years, don't you dare say anything about my mom, and now he's paid the price!
Hanson: That is a huge ass spider, Nick! And it is nibbling the crap out Clash!
Vinegar: Immies has his umbrella out, he's attempting to beat the spider off!
Hanson: The spider must have paid for dinner.
Vinegar: He manages to squash the arachnid, though he may want to invest in a new umbrella. And back in the ring, The Covenant is taking advantage of the distraction! Turn around Doom, turn around!
Hanson: Too late, Nick! Chassie lands another vicious chop block, bring ADD down to his knees, Dragon bouncing off the ropes, DRAGON KICK!
Vinegar: Meanwhile, Clash is in bad shape. Looks like that spider bit him quite a few times, and it was not a small creature. And he's...well, I'm not sure how to say this delicately, but he seems to be favoring his...lower regions.
Hanson: Well, Nicholas, the venom of some spiders has been known to cause a condition called Priapism. The blood is currently rushing towards Clash's nethers causing an insanely painful, never-ending erection!
Vinegar: Wow, Dan, you sure do know a lot about weird medical conditions affecting the penis.
Hanson: A man can never be too careful with his little mama-pleaser, Nick.
Vinegar: Peterson's sent Chassie back to the corner, and Dragon is sharing his mind with the GIW fans. I can't quite make out what he's saying though.
Hanson: Meh. Same shtick, different day.
Vinegar: He should worry more about his opponent, though, Doom has shaken off that kick. And he is barrelling at full speed!
Hanson: Dragon turns around. And there's a HUGE shoulder tackle to the gut, driving Mickey into the post!
Vinegar: What impact! They hit hard enough to knock Chassie off the apron!
Hanson: Dragon has been practically dented! He is not going anywhere! Now here comes Willy Wonka, telling ADD to finish off The Head Rush.
Vinegar: Doom pulls him out of the corner and lifts him up...ATTENTION DEFICIT DESTROYER!!! Peterson makes the count.1, 2, 3!
Hanson: Welcome to GIW Sentinel folks, where an oversized kindergartener can decisively beat three of our veteran superstars with the help of a dirty, dirty hobo. Watch out, Nick! Clash is still around ringside, screaming like a girl and trying to walk off his priapic erection! It's coming right for us!
Vinegar: Go to commercial! GO TO COMMERCIAL!
Hanson: Before we begin will all the crap we usually do at this point, Nick, I'd like to thank all the people who offered me sympathy for the injuries I sustained last week.
Vinegar: Of course.
Hanson: I'd like to, but I didn't even get one lousy email! That moron Severino tried to break me in half, and I would expect to get some form of "get well soon" card.
Vinegar: I'm sure you were in everyone's thoughts though, Dan.
Hanson: You'd think I'd at least of gotten a hospital visit from your momma, Nick. You know, just to see if my lil' thermometer was still working.
Vinegar: Tonight's card should be a real barnburner, folks. Infinity is less than a month away, and I think more than a few of our GIW stars might feel that they have something to prove tonight!
Hanson: See, I call it a thermometer because it goes in the mouth.
Vinegar: I'm so glad you're okay, Dan. Our main event tonight features four men who will be involved with Boss P's Global Tournament.
Hanson: We're still not sure how that tournament will play out, Nick, and if I know our feathered enforcer, it will be unlike any other tournament we've ever seen before.
"Ready to Die" comes over the loudspeakers.
Vinegar: And this guy is unlike any athlete we've seen before.
Dennis: The following is a mixed-tag contest scheduled for one fall. Making his way to the ring, accompanied by Sean Immies...ADOLPHUS, DAVIAN, DOOM!
Hanson: What do you suppose Doom's relationship with this Immies guy is, anyway?
Vinegar: I guess Immies must be his caretaker.
Hanson: What about the young man's parents? How can they sleep at night, letting their boy hang around with Willy Wonka?
Vinegar: Immies certainly made his own presence known in his charge's match last week, helping Adolphus score an upset over Komosube.
Hanson: And he got a busted nose for his troubles, Nick. Which he appears to be showing off to some kids in the front row. That's a public health nightmare.
Vinegar: Immies with a sharp tug on the leash, and Doom drags himself into the ring.
"Evolution" plays to crickets.
Dennis: And his tag team partner, from Huntington Beach, California, Andrew Clash!
Vinegar: You have to give it to our announcer Dennis Mitchell, he knows how to fake enthusiasm.
Hanson: Wait, who's this guy?
Vinegar: Andrew Clash, we announced his match last week.
Hanson: Not ringing a bell.
Vinegar: Called himself the Legend Killer. You made fun of him a lot for it.
Hanson: I make fun of a lot of people, for a lot of reasons. It gets your mom hot.
Vinegar: Clash under the bottom rope, goes to bounce off the opposite side, bit of a warm-up routine. And Doom joins in, running across the ring, though it looks like his leash is still attached.
Hanson: And Clash hits the leash neck first. He just got clotheslined by his own partner's baby harness. Man, those must have been some sucky legends.
"Critical Acclaim" on the speakers now.
Dennis: And their opponents, representing The Covenant, at a combined weight of 340 pounds, he is Mickey Dragon,and she is Chassie Fear!
Vinegar: Both of these stars have a huge opportunity waiting for them at Infinity. Dragon will be teaming up with Raenius to go for the tag team titles.
Hanson: Don't forget how they earned that shot, Nick, trading the freedom of Xavier Bryan for the match.
Vinegar: Yes, we were all witness to the torture that The Head Trip inflicted on Bryan for the past few weeks.
Hanson: Bell rings, and it looks like Dragon will be inflicting a little bit of torture on Clash, who is still looking groggy in the middle of the ring!
Vinegar: A serious of vicious stomps keeps The Legend Killer down on the mat. And now getting some airtime before hitting a vicious double knee drop!
Hanson: If I were Dragon, I would just keep that bitch down. Guess what I'm about to say next, Nick.
Vinegar: Something about my mother, I'm sure. But he's taking your advice to heart, Dan, delivering a brutal leg drop!
Hanson: That's right. Some people just feel more comfortable laying on their back. Legs open. Sometimes propped up with a pillow under the lower back.
Vinegar: And Daniel has gone into his own little world folks, but I'll do my best to keep you abreast of the happenings in the ring, though right now it's just The Head Trip berating Andrew Clash as he attempts to get off the mat.
Hanson: I appreciate you using the word breast there Nick, and speaking of, looks like Dragon's going to let his partner share in the fun a bit now.
Vinegar: Indeed, Chassie Fear enters the ring and puts Clash back onto the ground with a low dropkick! The Dark Rose finds herself as the female contingent in the Global Challenge picture. The Covenant could leave Infinity with tag gold and the title of GIW Top Asset.
Hanson: It's called Chief Nigga, Nick. And if she nails the other contenders with moves like that Lionsault she just landed on Clash, she could be it!
Vinegar: Here comes the count, this could be over already. 1, 2, No! Clash kicks out.
Hanson: Marking the first offensive move he's made all match.
Vinegar: And now Clash makes the leap across the ring to make the tag...and just finds air! His partner wasn't watching, I guess.
Hanson: I don't blame him, it's been a bit dull so far.
Vinegar: But it might pick up a bit now, Dan, because Immies pushes ADD's hand into the ring to make the tag, and now Chass finds herself being hit with a huge shoulder block!
Hanson: I'll say, that nearly knocked her all the way back to her own corner. That boy's a big old hunk of muscle, Nick.
Vinegar: Chass attempting a Codebreaker but Doom pushes her off!
Hanson: And now Sloth is waving at all the Goonies.
Vinegar: But taking your eyes off the Dark Rose isn't a smart move, no matter how strong you are. Doom taken down by a Chop Block!
Hanson: HEY YOU GUUYS!
Vinegar: And a dragon whip keeps ADD off his feet, letting Chass make the tag!
Hanson: The Head Trip bounds into the ring to nail a Shining Wizard, this is good strategy. Don't let him get hold of ya, he's got retard strength.
Vinegar: I really should just have a button that I can press when you say something that requires an apology. Anyway, Dragon looks to be setting up for a DDT.
Hanson: But Doom powers out and drops him like your mom's panties! I told you so.
Vinegar: Now he's smiling and pointing at Fear? What is he thinking?
Hanson: I got mail! I got mail! YAAAY!
Vinegar: Doom running towards the ropes now...A Lionsault!! Well, sort of.
Hanson: That was a Lionsault like our roster is normal.
Vinegar: Well, the crowd appreciated the effort anyway! Doom's soaking in a bit of applause, look at that smile!
Hanson: What the hell do you think he ate before the match? I'm guessing Cheetos, but maybe those watching at home in HD can tell a little bit better.
Vinegar: He's going for the "Lionsault" again.
Hanson: For the benefit of those at home, Vinegar applied air quotes around the word Lionsault.
Vinegar: But the Head Trip was ready for it this time, and lifts the knees!
Hanson: Hey, what's The Legend Ripper-Offer doing over on his side? Seems like he's rummaging under the ring for something.
Vinegar: Probably not the best idea, Dan, considering that the only person we have on our janitorial staff is Bones, and I don't think he's cleaned underneath that ring since it was built.
Hanson: Meanwhile, back with people the crowd actually cares about, Dragon and ADD are both struggling up to their feet. Doom is up first, and The Trip gives him a jawbreaker for his effort!
Vinegar: And now Mickey with the Spear, No! Doom counters with a big boot! To the head!
Hanson: Now a girlish scream? What the hell is going on in our arena?
Vinegar: This is what I was afraid of, Dan! Clash went were no man has been for years, don't you dare say anything about my mom, and now he's paid the price!
Hanson: That is a huge ass spider, Nick! And it is nibbling the crap out Clash!
Vinegar: Immies has his umbrella out, he's attempting to beat the spider off!
Hanson: The spider must have paid for dinner.
Vinegar: He manages to squash the arachnid, though he may want to invest in a new umbrella. And back in the ring, The Covenant is taking advantage of the distraction! Turn around Doom, turn around!
Hanson: Too late, Nick! Chassie lands another vicious chop block, bring ADD down to his knees, Dragon bouncing off the ropes, DRAGON KICK!
Vinegar: Meanwhile, Clash is in bad shape. Looks like that spider bit him quite a few times, and it was not a small creature. And he's...well, I'm not sure how to say this delicately, but he seems to be favoring his...lower regions.
Hanson: Well, Nicholas, the venom of some spiders has been known to cause a condition called Priapism. The blood is currently rushing towards Clash's nethers causing an insanely painful, never-ending erection!
Vinegar: Wow, Dan, you sure do know a lot about weird medical conditions affecting the penis.
Hanson: A man can never be too careful with his little mama-pleaser, Nick.
Vinegar: Peterson's sent Chassie back to the corner, and Dragon is sharing his mind with the GIW fans. I can't quite make out what he's saying though.
Hanson: Meh. Same shtick, different day.
Vinegar: He should worry more about his opponent, though, Doom has shaken off that kick. And he is barrelling at full speed!
Hanson: Dragon turns around. And there's a HUGE shoulder tackle to the gut, driving Mickey into the post!
Vinegar: What impact! They hit hard enough to knock Chassie off the apron!
Hanson: Dragon has been practically dented! He is not going anywhere! Now here comes Willy Wonka, telling ADD to finish off The Head Rush.
Vinegar: Doom pulls him out of the corner and lifts him up...ATTENTION DEFICIT DESTROYER!!! Peterson makes the count.1, 2, 3!
Hanson: Welcome to GIW Sentinel folks, where an oversized kindergartener can decisively beat three of our veteran superstars with the help of a dirty, dirty hobo. Watch out, Nick! Clash is still around ringside, screaming like a girl and trying to walk off his priapic erection! It's coming right for us!
Vinegar: Go to commercial! GO TO COMMERCIAL!
