Post by wwjbcd on Mar 20, 2021 23:00:21 GMT -5
The planes were ravaged. Furniture of all shapes and sizes laid broken and strewn partway inside magma pools. Demons and devils, if there’s even a discernible difference, were beaten, bloodied, and bruised all over the place. Blood red stalactites and stalagmites were cracked, chipped, or completely broken off. The moans and groans of the fallen soldiers of Hell were a common sound… when it was on Satan’s watch and doing, that is! And Satan himself… all he could do is look around at his kingdom, demolished beyond repair, and while a part of him should admire the mayhem left behind by the accused, his pettiness disallowed him any joy. He merely rubbed at his temples incessantly, wondering how many more epochs would pass before he got the feng shui just right again in his eternal abode.
Earlier…
Phrixus Deimos had just managed to reach his corner and tag in his reluctant partner Konrad Raab. Raab made a charge to Hide Yamazaki, but before he could even reach the Coalition’s top champion, Hide had tagged in his own partner, Sloane Taylor. A series of kicks of all sorts and more powerful signature maneuvers had Raab on the ropes and about to lose before Deimos intervened, intentionally hurting his partner in the process. Hide’s imminent presence sent Deimos back to his starting position, a ploy the crafty Deimos had anticipated. While the referee tried regaining order, Deimos’ concern for his fallen partner was merely yet another act of chicanery; he brought out the heavy artillery on Raab, the true act of betrayal all others preceding it alluded to. Sloane strays too close and falls victim the same way. As insult to injury, he activates his “Numbing” sleeper slam for a third time in this bout, this time dropping poor Raab onto an even poorer Sloane! Deimos leaves the ring just as the referee had sent Hide back where he belonged. Spotting what they perceived as a pinning attempt, the referee counts Sloane’s shoulders for the 1… 2… 3! Once the bell had been rung, Deimos slips back into the ring to lock a stunned Raab into his ultimate technique, Millennial Decay, but mercifully for Raab, Hide was quick to action, chasing Deimos away until the opportunistic scavenger disappeared into the night, seemingly of his own accord.
Later, But Not Much Later…
“It’s not a big deal. It wasn’t a big deal. IT ISN’T A BIG DEAL!!”
Those words obviously come from The #1 Hit-Maker Johnny Bonecrusher as he paces back and forth backstage in a locker room consisting of him, Hide, Sloane, Konrad, and Sebastian.
EVERETT-BRYCE III BECAUSE GOD FORBID WE DON’T SAY IT.
Anyway, the manager’s words are tainted with aggravation, the tone being just as much about convincing himself as they are of convincing Sloane and even Konrad.
“Are you SURE it’s not a big deal?” Sebastian asked. A piercing glare from the flustered Canadian caused him to add, “I mean, of COURSE it’s not a big deal! Listen to this man!”
The patronizing tone of Sebby’s words was of course lost on Johnny, who nodded in approval.
“Anyway, tough luck there, Konrad.” Johnny said as he turned to address The Iceman. “We all figured Prixus would turn on you.”
Konrad, still recovering from the effects of not one, but two Millennial Decays, is hunched over, favouring the back of his head. He responds without looking up. “I expected he would try something, but I thought he might have just left me high and dry.”
“And of course, your consolation prize was pinning the #1 Contender to the World Champion!” Sebastian said sincerely, if neglecting to read the room. Sebastian turns to Sloane, “Does that make him the NEW #1 Contender now?”
Johnny snorted, his laugh immediately suppressed by a glare from a sore and weary Bubblegum Princess. “I dunno, Seb, why don’t you work that one out yourself?”
Johnny snorted again, this time his laugh immediately suppressed by a glare from a healthy and energetic Sebastian. “Touchy.”
“I think we’re all just a bit bothered by everything that happened during our match.” Konrad stated in order to sensibly get the conversation back on track.
“Right, and tonight is a thing of the past now!” Johnny added. “What’s done is done; Konrad, you’re gonna get revenge for us all by severely beating and hospitalizing that no-good, low-down, yella-bellied, panty-waisted, knock-kneed, scum-suckin' pencil-necked geek Prixus!”
“I’ve no intention of doing anything of the sort.” Konrad replied wanly but matter-of-factly.
“You have no intention of doing anything of the sort.” Johnny said flatly. He claps his hands as he clasps them together. “Well that’s just GREAT! LOOK, Konny, you’re gonna have to face your fears of not going all-out if you wanna beat someone like Fear! Now, The Johnny doesn’t fall for that jabroni’s smoke and mirrors, but you do, and that’s cool, but-”
“Oh, hey Mr. Deimos.” Sebastian says, which causes Johnny to jump and whip around, only to see nothing but everyone having a good laugh at his expense.
Johnny pointed dramatically at Sebastian, “You think you’re funny?!”
“I do!” Sebastian said proudly as he rested his hands on his hips.
“Seb, we don’t need a third person down; stop trying to give Johnny an aneurysm.” Sloane scolded.
Sebastian frowned and sucked his teeth, but didn’t offer a retort.
“Hide’s been pretty quiet.” Konrad said, seemingly apropos of nothing. “He’s the least hurt out of all of us, so I expected him to be more lively.”
This observation concerned Johnny; Hide SHOULD be doing… well… SOMETHING. Be it eating loudly, punching a locker into dust, saying something obnoxiously poetic in Japanese, you know, the usual. “Yeahhhhh, he SHOULD be livelier…”
He looked over at the far corner of the locker room, and sure enough, Hide was in fact there, reclined in a chair, hands behind his head, staring at the ceiling. Johnny was annoyed; he was ranting, and dammit, EVERYONE needed to participate in his ire! “Hide?!” he called out.
But there was no answer. Not even an acknowledgement via any sort of movement. Johnny narrowed his eyes, jutted out his lower lip a bit, and stormed on over to YOUR… UGWC World Heavyweight Champion.
“Johnny, let him relax, sheesh!” Sloane exclaimed. But of course, she knew her words were futile.
Johnny loomed over his client, but Hide’s eyes didn’t lock onto his own. Johnny looked confused as he stooped down to investigate further. Hide’s eyes seemed glazed over, and he didn’t appear to be breathing. The #1 Hit-Maker shot back upright, “Whuh-what? What what what?!”
“What’s the matter?” Konrad asked.
“Something’s fucky with Hide.” Johnny said quite seriously despite saying “fucky”.
Sloane rose to her feet, as did Konrad. “What do you mean?”
“Psh, I’ll get to the bottom of this!” Sebastian said as he made a fashionable beeline towards his former rival. He first waves a hand over Hide’s face, but there was of course no response. He snapped his fingers right by The Strong Style Satanist’s ears, but nothing, not even a slight flinch. Finally, he took his pulse from Hide’s wrist, Seb’s eyes widening. He tried taking his pulse from Hide’s neck, but it was pretty obvious what was going on. “Call a medic.”
Now Sloane’s eyes widened, “Wh-what?”
“Call a medic! Call a medic!” Seb shouted.
Knowing Sloane and Konrad were not at 100% Johnny was the one to run off, hands up to his head and looking utterly dismayed.
“Hide?” Sebastian said, trying to remain calm. He gently slapped Hide’s face a few times, but to no avail. “Come on, stay with me, man. We’ve got another 3200 more matches to have together!”
Konrad moved closer, “What even happened?!”
Sloane, trying to make sense of this all, quietly said, “Maybe… maybe Eden or Gabriel did something?”
“They wouldn’t go this far!” Sebastian barked back defensively. He didn’t want to have to conclude someone he associated with would stoop so low. But then again, there was the incident a few weeks back at the cemetery. Seb sighed sharply in frustration as he slapped Hide’s face a bit harder this time. “Hide? Hide?! WHERE’S THE FUCKING MEDIC?! HIDE?!”
“Hide?”
“Hide?!”
“HIDE?”
“HIDE?!”
“HIDE.”
Mere Moments Later (?)...
“Hide Yamazaki. Stand up.”
Hide gasped for breath as he found himself upright. As he calmed down, his breathing returned to normal. Wide-eyed and confused, he looked around. It was dark, at least compared to the locker room he was just in. The main sources of light came from pools of red glowing liquid. And it was warm! Significantly warmer than where he was relaxing a second ago. And instead of the sounds of his manager raving about something or another, all he could really hear were the moans of countless people echoing throughout the vast expanses...
OF HELL.
Stalactites dripped blood. Stalagmites stood tall, occasionally coming to life to lash out in a snake-like fashion and impale any lost souls that dared pass too close. Lithe dragons soared amongst the sulphurous clouds, their serpentine patterns of movement leaving behind serpentine cloud trails. Part-human, part-animal monstrosities tortured anguished souls with all sorts of weapons and machines, confident they can never go too far, for once a soul is tortured to “death”, they remanifest, much to the delight of their tormentors. The pools or red liquid would occasionally bubble and smolder, revealing them to be the sources of heat here...
IN HELL.
Everything about his surroundings was so daunting, so impossible, that Hide was incapable of truly processing any of it. But the sound of a gavel echoing throughout the neverending nightmare deathscape garnered his attention.
“Mr. Yamazaki. Do try to pay attention.” The voice, whilst deep and demonic was eerily calm. It belonged to a colossal creature dressed in traditional judge’s robes, complete with powdered wig. He was mostly humanoid in form, save his red skin and massive black curved horns. This… was Satan himself. “You’re here for a purpose, and it would behoove you to take this seriously.”
“Who are you?!” Hide snapped back. He found himself asking this question a lot during the past few months.
“Who am I? WHO AM I?!” Satan regained his composure. “Why, I am The Prince of Darkness. The Lord of the Flies. Lucifer. Apollyon. Mephistopheles. Belial. Abaddon. The Father of Lies.”
Hide narrowed his eyes cautiously.
“Satan. I’m Satan.” Satan said. “You know, The Devil Himse-”
But before he could finish his sentence, he was struck by a piece of stalagmite. “What the?!”
Hide then lunged at Satan after his initial assault, standing on top of Satan’s bench and strangling him. “Get him- get him off me! Guards! GUARDS!!”
Scores of demons and devils swarmed around the bench, clawing and tearing at Hide until they were able to drag him away from their Dark Lord. They took turns pummelling the wrestler, but once he was able to grab a hold of one of Satan’s elite warriors, he exploded back to his feet , sending many of them away, swatting any who remained in proximity with the fiend he latched onto. All Satan could do is look on in shock as the defendant stormed around, destroying anything in his path, be it more stalagmites, torture machines, or more devils, tossing whatever he could into magma pits whenever it was possible.
Seeing enough carnage not caused or condoned by himself, Satan stood tall. “Enough. Enough!! ENOUGH!!!”
His voice echoed all throughout Hell, stunning demon and lost soul alike, even Hide!
Satan cleared his throat, sitting back down. “Now. If you don’t mind. We should proceed.”
Suddenly, an unseen force pulled Hide back in front of Satan. To his side, two much taller demons appeared. A barrel-chested bailiff lumbers onto the scene next. “Order in the court, the case of Hide Yamazaki’s Eternal Soul is now proceeding, Judge Satan presiding.”
Satan hammered his gallow thrice. With each blow, the two taller demons and Hide took their seats.
“Would the complainant’s lawyer rise for opening remarks?” Asked Satan.
The lanky demon with the head of a weasel rose to his feet. “I mean, I just sat down, but okay.”
Satan cupped his head, “What was that?”
“N-nothing, Judge Satan!” he shrieked. “I was merely about to state that the accused is one of the, of the WORST cases of a deserved death and permanent stay in Hell! ...Or is that BEST cases?”
“Never mind.” Satan said as he turned to the defendant’s lawyer. “Any rebuttals?”
The other demon was less lanky, bulkier even, and slightly shorter in stature than his litigious counterpart. He also sported the head of a buzzard. “Ah, well, you see, milord, in all honesty-”
“HONESTY? HONESTY?!” Satan bellowed. “Honesty in MY REALM?!”
The bird-headed lawyer shrank, “U-uh, I, ah, I of course meant in all… lies?”
Satan nodded, “Exactly so. Continue.”
“I-in all, uh, lies, as it were, we were actually expecting the one known as Johnny Bonecrusher to be down here with us as opposed to Mr. Yamazaki.” He then handed Satan some paperwork, which the ruler of Hell pored over for some time.
“Ah. Yes. I see.” He said, handing the papers back. “But nevertheless.”
The avian lawyer gulped, “Ve-very well, your honour- ah! Ah! DIShonour!”
A smile barely crept onto Satan’s face.
“I, ah, suppose with that being said, the choice should be obvious: Mr. Yamazaki is a troubled man, but a man driven by doing what’s right. Therefore, he has no place in Hell.”
“OBJECTION!!!” hissed the weasel-headed fiend.
“On what grounds?” Satan inquired.
“On the grounds that my oh-so most esteemed colleague has willfully omitted previous deeds of villainy on the part of his client!”
Satan turned back to Hide’s lawyer, “And what say you regarding these allegations?”
The bird-man’s eyes darted back and forth, desperately trying to think of something on the fly. ‘On the fly’! Get it? Bird-man, birds, fly, flying?! “Y-yes, what my most experienced of comrades has said is true-”
Gasps and murmurs echo throughout the hellscape.
“BUT! But… his violent tendencies were merely a result of a chemical imbalance in his brain! A chemical imbalance that was sorted out by administering the proper medication!”
More gasps and murmurs.
“And your response?” Satan asked the beast-headed devil.
“Uh, ah,” he muttered before his eyes lit up, “But what about personal liability? Are humans not ultimately responsible for their own actions? Did God Almighty-”
Everyone spits in disgust in unison.
“Give Mankind autonomy for this very reason?”
“An autonomy,” the beaked demon interjected. “Blurred by trauma and hardship! And it’s not like he hasn’t been trying to atone for his sins this whole time, your dishonour!”
“It’s true.” Satan replied. “I’ve been keeping up with UGWC programming, though the wifi here is terrible here; we REALLY need to invest in some cellular towers or something. Maybe we could cut into the torture machine budget and finally get highspeed internet!”
Satan became lost in thought as it seemed like the case was going in the favour of the winged lawyer. The weasel-man gritted his teeth, looking upon his colleague with envy and hatred. But then, an idea came upon him. A crooked sharp-toothed grin crawled onto his face.
“Ah, you know, your, ah, dishonour,” he chimed in, “I think it would be imperative to call my first and ONLY witness to the stands… ‘Deathwish’ Hide Yamazaki himself!”
The gasps and murmurs began anew.
“Huh? What? Oh yes.” Satan said, returning to the conversation at hand. He pointed at Hide. “Approach the bench now, Mr. Yamazaki. And behave yourself this time.”
All Hide felt he could really do now was listen as the lawyers spoke. Now it was his turn. He stood up, did as he was told, and was confronted by the weasel-man. “Mr. Yamazaki, if that IS your real name.”
“Well, it’s not. I was born Hideyoshi Yamashiro.” Hide replied.
“YOU SEE?!” the weasely lawyer shrieked. “Not even by name dath he spake the truth!”
“‘Dath he spake’, psh!” the buzzardy lawyer mocked. “Hardly a crime worth sending someone to burn here forever for; virtually ALL professional wrestlers use monikers.”
“It’s true.” Satan said. “Keep going, accuser.”
“We-well, did you not mere moments prior actually have the audacity to, to ASSAULT Judge Satan himself?!”
“I don’t think it’d be wise to deny that.” Hide replied.
“YOU SEE?!” the weasely lawyer shrieked again. “Him doth admitteth to the crime!”
“Oh, would you stop talking like that already?!” the buzzardy lawyer shouted back.
“You ARE being a tad annoying, counsel.” Satan admitted.
The weasel-demon was about ready to erupt, but once more he thought about it, and his visage grew softer. “Mr. Yamazaki, do YOU feel you deserve to be here?”
“Your dishonour, he is luring my client!” crowed the buzzard-demon.
Satan waved off Hide’s defense’s claims, “I’ll allow it.”
The mammalian devil smirked, “So I ask you again, Mr. Yamazaki: do you, or do you NOT deserve to burn in Hell for all your past misdeeds, perceived atonement for them or no?”
The bird-lawyer rested his hand on Hide’s shoulder. “You don’t have to answer him. We can take a recess to regroup.”
Hide shook his head. “There is no need. To answer your question, yes, perhaps I do deserve to die and suffer here for all of eternity. Life on Earth is Hell without Mitsuko and Kenichi, that’s true.”
“YOU SEE?!” the weasely lawyer shrieked a third time, “He admits to-”
“Oh, give it a rest already!” Satan bellowed.
“All I’ve admitted to is what I have felt all along:” Hide said calmly. “That life is hard, and we must do our best with what cards we’re handed. Dwelling on what cards we COULD have had is meaningless.”
Satan raised both his eyebrows. Seeing this, the bird-demon grinned and whispered to his client, “Keep going! We could win this one yet!”
“If it is decided that all I’ve tried to do in order to heal the wounds of the past is simply not enough, then take me, dash me upon the rocks, boil me in oil, drawn and quarter me, but please promise me one thing.”
The weasel-demon looked upon the human cautiously, “Which is?”
“That should I earn my freedom from this place, allow me to ascend to Heaven. Even if for one day. Just so I can see Mitsuko and Kenichi one last time. Then I’ll take come what may.”
“Hmm.” was all Satan said as the vast crowds of fiends and lost souls cheered the passionate plea from the mortal. The weasel-devil was now angrier than ever before. As his contemporary seemed to beam with pride and laid assurances on his client, he schemed. He would be ready for when Satan would once more bring order to his court. The gavel striking hard was his cue to saunter over closer to Hide, arms behind his back, a wide grin upon his face.
“So let’s play a game, you and I, Mr. Yamazaki.” he said in a voice so saccharine it was surely laced with arsenic. “Now, a game needs players, so allow me to present to you… SLOANE TAYLOR!”
Gasps and murmurs again, as a strong facsimile to The Sky Queen manifested right next to Hide. She stood there, lifeless but still seemingly alive. Hide took several steps back.
“So the game is… if you had to pick just one of you to remain here, who would it be: YOU… or HER?”
“THIS IS PREPOSTEROUS, YOUR DISHONOUR!!!” roared the buzzard-demon.
Satan scratched his chin, “Hmm, it IS quite unusual… but I’ll allow it.”
The weasel stuck his tongue out at the buzzard, who could just stand there, beak agape.
“So… HER… or YOU?”
Hide looked at Sloane/Not Sloane, and he inhaled deeply. “ME.”
More gasps and murmurs!
“NO!!!” the bird-man shrieked.
“Yes.” Hide replied. “Sloane has no capacity for evil. She has tried to clumsily dabble in it when it came to Duncan Ryder, but besides that, she is a saint.”
Hide turned to the salivating weasel-man. “You knew I would answer this way; why waste the court’s time? Take me away if you want, but at least let me return to respect Sloane the way she deserves to be respected and fight her for my World Heavyweight Championship. Monday night. Ignition. Sloane versus Hide. Please. Then win, lose, or draw, if you deem it so, I’m yours. But just one… more… night.”
The weasel-devil was unable to determine if he’d won or not, but he didn’t have time to think about it anymore, as Satan banged his gavel again.
“I’ve heard enough.” the demonic judge said. “I’ve decided the verdict already.”
Both buzzard and weasel looked on expectantly at Satan.
“After hearing everything I have, and seeing the devastation of my kingdom before me, I sentence you, ‘Deathwish’ Hide Yamazaki… to live!”
GASPS AND MURMURS ABOUNDS!!!
“To live, and to stay the HELL away from my world… forevermore!!!”
And with a wave of his hand, Hide was no longer in Hell.
The sound of Satan’s laughter could be heard, “Stay the HELL away… GET IT?!”
Earlier…
Phrixus Deimos had just managed to reach his corner and tag in his reluctant partner Konrad Raab. Raab made a charge to Hide Yamazaki, but before he could even reach the Coalition’s top champion, Hide had tagged in his own partner, Sloane Taylor. A series of kicks of all sorts and more powerful signature maneuvers had Raab on the ropes and about to lose before Deimos intervened, intentionally hurting his partner in the process. Hide’s imminent presence sent Deimos back to his starting position, a ploy the crafty Deimos had anticipated. While the referee tried regaining order, Deimos’ concern for his fallen partner was merely yet another act of chicanery; he brought out the heavy artillery on Raab, the true act of betrayal all others preceding it alluded to. Sloane strays too close and falls victim the same way. As insult to injury, he activates his “Numbing” sleeper slam for a third time in this bout, this time dropping poor Raab onto an even poorer Sloane! Deimos leaves the ring just as the referee had sent Hide back where he belonged. Spotting what they perceived as a pinning attempt, the referee counts Sloane’s shoulders for the 1… 2… 3! Once the bell had been rung, Deimos slips back into the ring to lock a stunned Raab into his ultimate technique, Millennial Decay, but mercifully for Raab, Hide was quick to action, chasing Deimos away until the opportunistic scavenger disappeared into the night, seemingly of his own accord.
Later, But Not Much Later…
“It’s not a big deal. It wasn’t a big deal. IT ISN’T A BIG DEAL!!”
Those words obviously come from The #1 Hit-Maker Johnny Bonecrusher as he paces back and forth backstage in a locker room consisting of him, Hide, Sloane, Konrad, and Sebastian.
EVERETT-BRYCE III BECAUSE GOD FORBID WE DON’T SAY IT.
Anyway, the manager’s words are tainted with aggravation, the tone being just as much about convincing himself as they are of convincing Sloane and even Konrad.
“Are you SURE it’s not a big deal?” Sebastian asked. A piercing glare from the flustered Canadian caused him to add, “I mean, of COURSE it’s not a big deal! Listen to this man!”
The patronizing tone of Sebby’s words was of course lost on Johnny, who nodded in approval.
“Anyway, tough luck there, Konrad.” Johnny said as he turned to address The Iceman. “We all figured Prixus would turn on you.”
Konrad, still recovering from the effects of not one, but two Millennial Decays, is hunched over, favouring the back of his head. He responds without looking up. “I expected he would try something, but I thought he might have just left me high and dry.”
“And of course, your consolation prize was pinning the #1 Contender to the World Champion!” Sebastian said sincerely, if neglecting to read the room. Sebastian turns to Sloane, “Does that make him the NEW #1 Contender now?”
Johnny snorted, his laugh immediately suppressed by a glare from a sore and weary Bubblegum Princess. “I dunno, Seb, why don’t you work that one out yourself?”
Johnny snorted again, this time his laugh immediately suppressed by a glare from a healthy and energetic Sebastian. “Touchy.”
“I think we’re all just a bit bothered by everything that happened during our match.” Konrad stated in order to sensibly get the conversation back on track.
“Right, and tonight is a thing of the past now!” Johnny added. “What’s done is done; Konrad, you’re gonna get revenge for us all by severely beating and hospitalizing that no-good, low-down, yella-bellied, panty-waisted, knock-kneed, scum-suckin' pencil-necked geek Prixus!”
“I’ve no intention of doing anything of the sort.” Konrad replied wanly but matter-of-factly.
“You have no intention of doing anything of the sort.” Johnny said flatly. He claps his hands as he clasps them together. “Well that’s just GREAT! LOOK, Konny, you’re gonna have to face your fears of not going all-out if you wanna beat someone like Fear! Now, The Johnny doesn’t fall for that jabroni’s smoke and mirrors, but you do, and that’s cool, but-”
“Oh, hey Mr. Deimos.” Sebastian says, which causes Johnny to jump and whip around, only to see nothing but everyone having a good laugh at his expense.
Johnny pointed dramatically at Sebastian, “You think you’re funny?!”
“I do!” Sebastian said proudly as he rested his hands on his hips.
“Seb, we don’t need a third person down; stop trying to give Johnny an aneurysm.” Sloane scolded.
Sebastian frowned and sucked his teeth, but didn’t offer a retort.
“Hide’s been pretty quiet.” Konrad said, seemingly apropos of nothing. “He’s the least hurt out of all of us, so I expected him to be more lively.”
This observation concerned Johnny; Hide SHOULD be doing… well… SOMETHING. Be it eating loudly, punching a locker into dust, saying something obnoxiously poetic in Japanese, you know, the usual. “Yeahhhhh, he SHOULD be livelier…”
He looked over at the far corner of the locker room, and sure enough, Hide was in fact there, reclined in a chair, hands behind his head, staring at the ceiling. Johnny was annoyed; he was ranting, and dammit, EVERYONE needed to participate in his ire! “Hide?!” he called out.
But there was no answer. Not even an acknowledgement via any sort of movement. Johnny narrowed his eyes, jutted out his lower lip a bit, and stormed on over to YOUR… UGWC World Heavyweight Champion.
“Johnny, let him relax, sheesh!” Sloane exclaimed. But of course, she knew her words were futile.
Johnny loomed over his client, but Hide’s eyes didn’t lock onto his own. Johnny looked confused as he stooped down to investigate further. Hide’s eyes seemed glazed over, and he didn’t appear to be breathing. The #1 Hit-Maker shot back upright, “Whuh-what? What what what?!”
“What’s the matter?” Konrad asked.
“Something’s fucky with Hide.” Johnny said quite seriously despite saying “fucky”.
Sloane rose to her feet, as did Konrad. “What do you mean?”
“Psh, I’ll get to the bottom of this!” Sebastian said as he made a fashionable beeline towards his former rival. He first waves a hand over Hide’s face, but there was of course no response. He snapped his fingers right by The Strong Style Satanist’s ears, but nothing, not even a slight flinch. Finally, he took his pulse from Hide’s wrist, Seb’s eyes widening. He tried taking his pulse from Hide’s neck, but it was pretty obvious what was going on. “Call a medic.”
Now Sloane’s eyes widened, “Wh-what?”
“Call a medic! Call a medic!” Seb shouted.
Knowing Sloane and Konrad were not at 100% Johnny was the one to run off, hands up to his head and looking utterly dismayed.
“Hide?” Sebastian said, trying to remain calm. He gently slapped Hide’s face a few times, but to no avail. “Come on, stay with me, man. We’ve got another 3200 more matches to have together!”
Konrad moved closer, “What even happened?!”
Sloane, trying to make sense of this all, quietly said, “Maybe… maybe Eden or Gabriel did something?”
“They wouldn’t go this far!” Sebastian barked back defensively. He didn’t want to have to conclude someone he associated with would stoop so low. But then again, there was the incident a few weeks back at the cemetery. Seb sighed sharply in frustration as he slapped Hide’s face a bit harder this time. “Hide? Hide?! WHERE’S THE FUCKING MEDIC?! HIDE?!”
“Hide?”
“Hide?!”
“HIDE?”
“HIDE?!”
“HIDE.”
Mere Moments Later (?)...
“Hide Yamazaki. Stand up.”
Hide gasped for breath as he found himself upright. As he calmed down, his breathing returned to normal. Wide-eyed and confused, he looked around. It was dark, at least compared to the locker room he was just in. The main sources of light came from pools of red glowing liquid. And it was warm! Significantly warmer than where he was relaxing a second ago. And instead of the sounds of his manager raving about something or another, all he could really hear were the moans of countless people echoing throughout the vast expanses...
OF HELL.
Stalactites dripped blood. Stalagmites stood tall, occasionally coming to life to lash out in a snake-like fashion and impale any lost souls that dared pass too close. Lithe dragons soared amongst the sulphurous clouds, their serpentine patterns of movement leaving behind serpentine cloud trails. Part-human, part-animal monstrosities tortured anguished souls with all sorts of weapons and machines, confident they can never go too far, for once a soul is tortured to “death”, they remanifest, much to the delight of their tormentors. The pools or red liquid would occasionally bubble and smolder, revealing them to be the sources of heat here...
IN HELL.
Everything about his surroundings was so daunting, so impossible, that Hide was incapable of truly processing any of it. But the sound of a gavel echoing throughout the neverending nightmare deathscape garnered his attention.
“Mr. Yamazaki. Do try to pay attention.” The voice, whilst deep and demonic was eerily calm. It belonged to a colossal creature dressed in traditional judge’s robes, complete with powdered wig. He was mostly humanoid in form, save his red skin and massive black curved horns. This… was Satan himself. “You’re here for a purpose, and it would behoove you to take this seriously.”
“Who are you?!” Hide snapped back. He found himself asking this question a lot during the past few months.
“Who am I? WHO AM I?!” Satan regained his composure. “Why, I am The Prince of Darkness. The Lord of the Flies. Lucifer. Apollyon. Mephistopheles. Belial. Abaddon. The Father of Lies.”
Hide narrowed his eyes cautiously.
“Satan. I’m Satan.” Satan said. “You know, The Devil Himse-”
But before he could finish his sentence, he was struck by a piece of stalagmite. “What the?!”
Hide then lunged at Satan after his initial assault, standing on top of Satan’s bench and strangling him. “Get him- get him off me! Guards! GUARDS!!”
Scores of demons and devils swarmed around the bench, clawing and tearing at Hide until they were able to drag him away from their Dark Lord. They took turns pummelling the wrestler, but once he was able to grab a hold of one of Satan’s elite warriors, he exploded back to his feet , sending many of them away, swatting any who remained in proximity with the fiend he latched onto. All Satan could do is look on in shock as the defendant stormed around, destroying anything in his path, be it more stalagmites, torture machines, or more devils, tossing whatever he could into magma pits whenever it was possible.
Seeing enough carnage not caused or condoned by himself, Satan stood tall. “Enough. Enough!! ENOUGH!!!”
His voice echoed all throughout Hell, stunning demon and lost soul alike, even Hide!
Satan cleared his throat, sitting back down. “Now. If you don’t mind. We should proceed.”
Suddenly, an unseen force pulled Hide back in front of Satan. To his side, two much taller demons appeared. A barrel-chested bailiff lumbers onto the scene next. “Order in the court, the case of Hide Yamazaki’s Eternal Soul is now proceeding, Judge Satan presiding.”
Satan hammered his gallow thrice. With each blow, the two taller demons and Hide took their seats.
“Would the complainant’s lawyer rise for opening remarks?” Asked Satan.
The lanky demon with the head of a weasel rose to his feet. “I mean, I just sat down, but okay.”
Satan cupped his head, “What was that?”
“N-nothing, Judge Satan!” he shrieked. “I was merely about to state that the accused is one of the, of the WORST cases of a deserved death and permanent stay in Hell! ...Or is that BEST cases?”
“Never mind.” Satan said as he turned to the defendant’s lawyer. “Any rebuttals?”
The other demon was less lanky, bulkier even, and slightly shorter in stature than his litigious counterpart. He also sported the head of a buzzard. “Ah, well, you see, milord, in all honesty-”
“HONESTY? HONESTY?!” Satan bellowed. “Honesty in MY REALM?!”
The bird-headed lawyer shrank, “U-uh, I, ah, I of course meant in all… lies?”
Satan nodded, “Exactly so. Continue.”
“I-in all, uh, lies, as it were, we were actually expecting the one known as Johnny Bonecrusher to be down here with us as opposed to Mr. Yamazaki.” He then handed Satan some paperwork, which the ruler of Hell pored over for some time.
“Ah. Yes. I see.” He said, handing the papers back. “But nevertheless.”
The avian lawyer gulped, “Ve-very well, your honour- ah! Ah! DIShonour!”
A smile barely crept onto Satan’s face.
“I, ah, suppose with that being said, the choice should be obvious: Mr. Yamazaki is a troubled man, but a man driven by doing what’s right. Therefore, he has no place in Hell.”
“OBJECTION!!!” hissed the weasel-headed fiend.
“On what grounds?” Satan inquired.
“On the grounds that my oh-so most esteemed colleague has willfully omitted previous deeds of villainy on the part of his client!”
Satan turned back to Hide’s lawyer, “And what say you regarding these allegations?”
The bird-man’s eyes darted back and forth, desperately trying to think of something on the fly. ‘On the fly’! Get it? Bird-man, birds, fly, flying?! “Y-yes, what my most experienced of comrades has said is true-”
Gasps and murmurs echo throughout the hellscape.
“BUT! But… his violent tendencies were merely a result of a chemical imbalance in his brain! A chemical imbalance that was sorted out by administering the proper medication!”
More gasps and murmurs.
“And your response?” Satan asked the beast-headed devil.
“Uh, ah,” he muttered before his eyes lit up, “But what about personal liability? Are humans not ultimately responsible for their own actions? Did God Almighty-”
Everyone spits in disgust in unison.
“Give Mankind autonomy for this very reason?”
“An autonomy,” the beaked demon interjected. “Blurred by trauma and hardship! And it’s not like he hasn’t been trying to atone for his sins this whole time, your dishonour!”
“It’s true.” Satan replied. “I’ve been keeping up with UGWC programming, though the wifi here is terrible here; we REALLY need to invest in some cellular towers or something. Maybe we could cut into the torture machine budget and finally get highspeed internet!”
Satan became lost in thought as it seemed like the case was going in the favour of the winged lawyer. The weasel-man gritted his teeth, looking upon his colleague with envy and hatred. But then, an idea came upon him. A crooked sharp-toothed grin crawled onto his face.
“Ah, you know, your, ah, dishonour,” he chimed in, “I think it would be imperative to call my first and ONLY witness to the stands… ‘Deathwish’ Hide Yamazaki himself!”
The gasps and murmurs began anew.
“Huh? What? Oh yes.” Satan said, returning to the conversation at hand. He pointed at Hide. “Approach the bench now, Mr. Yamazaki. And behave yourself this time.”
All Hide felt he could really do now was listen as the lawyers spoke. Now it was his turn. He stood up, did as he was told, and was confronted by the weasel-man. “Mr. Yamazaki, if that IS your real name.”
“Well, it’s not. I was born Hideyoshi Yamashiro.” Hide replied.
“YOU SEE?!” the weasely lawyer shrieked. “Not even by name dath he spake the truth!”
“‘Dath he spake’, psh!” the buzzardy lawyer mocked. “Hardly a crime worth sending someone to burn here forever for; virtually ALL professional wrestlers use monikers.”
“It’s true.” Satan said. “Keep going, accuser.”
“We-well, did you not mere moments prior actually have the audacity to, to ASSAULT Judge Satan himself?!”
“I don’t think it’d be wise to deny that.” Hide replied.
“YOU SEE?!” the weasely lawyer shrieked again. “Him doth admitteth to the crime!”
“Oh, would you stop talking like that already?!” the buzzardy lawyer shouted back.
“You ARE being a tad annoying, counsel.” Satan admitted.
The weasel-demon was about ready to erupt, but once more he thought about it, and his visage grew softer. “Mr. Yamazaki, do YOU feel you deserve to be here?”
“Your dishonour, he is luring my client!” crowed the buzzard-demon.
Satan waved off Hide’s defense’s claims, “I’ll allow it.”
The mammalian devil smirked, “So I ask you again, Mr. Yamazaki: do you, or do you NOT deserve to burn in Hell for all your past misdeeds, perceived atonement for them or no?”
The bird-lawyer rested his hand on Hide’s shoulder. “You don’t have to answer him. We can take a recess to regroup.”
Hide shook his head. “There is no need. To answer your question, yes, perhaps I do deserve to die and suffer here for all of eternity. Life on Earth is Hell without Mitsuko and Kenichi, that’s true.”
“YOU SEE?!” the weasely lawyer shrieked a third time, “He admits to-”
“Oh, give it a rest already!” Satan bellowed.
“All I’ve admitted to is what I have felt all along:” Hide said calmly. “That life is hard, and we must do our best with what cards we’re handed. Dwelling on what cards we COULD have had is meaningless.”
Satan raised both his eyebrows. Seeing this, the bird-demon grinned and whispered to his client, “Keep going! We could win this one yet!”
“If it is decided that all I’ve tried to do in order to heal the wounds of the past is simply not enough, then take me, dash me upon the rocks, boil me in oil, drawn and quarter me, but please promise me one thing.”
The weasel-demon looked upon the human cautiously, “Which is?”
“That should I earn my freedom from this place, allow me to ascend to Heaven. Even if for one day. Just so I can see Mitsuko and Kenichi one last time. Then I’ll take come what may.”
“Hmm.” was all Satan said as the vast crowds of fiends and lost souls cheered the passionate plea from the mortal. The weasel-devil was now angrier than ever before. As his contemporary seemed to beam with pride and laid assurances on his client, he schemed. He would be ready for when Satan would once more bring order to his court. The gavel striking hard was his cue to saunter over closer to Hide, arms behind his back, a wide grin upon his face.
“So let’s play a game, you and I, Mr. Yamazaki.” he said in a voice so saccharine it was surely laced with arsenic. “Now, a game needs players, so allow me to present to you… SLOANE TAYLOR!”
Gasps and murmurs again, as a strong facsimile to The Sky Queen manifested right next to Hide. She stood there, lifeless but still seemingly alive. Hide took several steps back.
“So the game is… if you had to pick just one of you to remain here, who would it be: YOU… or HER?”
“THIS IS PREPOSTEROUS, YOUR DISHONOUR!!!” roared the buzzard-demon.
Satan scratched his chin, “Hmm, it IS quite unusual… but I’ll allow it.”
The weasel stuck his tongue out at the buzzard, who could just stand there, beak agape.
“So… HER… or YOU?”
Hide looked at Sloane/Not Sloane, and he inhaled deeply. “ME.”
More gasps and murmurs!
“NO!!!” the bird-man shrieked.
“Yes.” Hide replied. “Sloane has no capacity for evil. She has tried to clumsily dabble in it when it came to Duncan Ryder, but besides that, she is a saint.”
Hide turned to the salivating weasel-man. “You knew I would answer this way; why waste the court’s time? Take me away if you want, but at least let me return to respect Sloane the way she deserves to be respected and fight her for my World Heavyweight Championship. Monday night. Ignition. Sloane versus Hide. Please. Then win, lose, or draw, if you deem it so, I’m yours. But just one… more… night.”
The weasel-devil was unable to determine if he’d won or not, but he didn’t have time to think about it anymore, as Satan banged his gavel again.
“I’ve heard enough.” the demonic judge said. “I’ve decided the verdict already.”
Both buzzard and weasel looked on expectantly at Satan.
“After hearing everything I have, and seeing the devastation of my kingdom before me, I sentence you, ‘Deathwish’ Hide Yamazaki… to live!”
GASPS AND MURMURS ABOUNDS!!!
“To live, and to stay the HELL away from my world… forevermore!!!”
And with a wave of his hand, Hide was no longer in Hell.
The sound of Satan’s laughter could be heard, “Stay the HELL away… GET IT?!”
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