Abduction is Illegal Except in Pro Wrestling (vs. C English)
Apr 16, 2021 0:16:03 GMT -5
Alex Kiseragi likes this
Post by wwjbcd on Apr 16, 2021 0:16:03 GMT -5
Heading towards the extra-special cross-promotional event, it was essential that every match was a winner. Once Incursion was announced for the show it would wind up being, it was nothing but wins for The Strong Style Satanist and former UGWC World Heavyweight Champion “Deathwish” Hide Yamazaki. Unfortunately for his manager, “The Man With Two Brains” Johnny Hitmaker, it was in part thanks to that no-good, low-down, yella-bellied, panty-waisted, knock-kneed, scum-suckin' pencil-necked geek Donovan Hastings. Two cooperative matches in a row - one with slightly less terrible Dave Rydell - all of which involved current World Champion The Sky Queen Sloane Taylor alongside other top-tier talent (Centurion, Montague Cervantes, and Tempest). But as it’s been stated several times before, beating the champ is one thing, beating the champ when the title’s on the line is another one entirely.
Anyway, what this all means is, Hide Yamazaki, representing The Coalition in the joint-venture between them and Carnage Wrestling, is going into Incursion as big a threat as he would have been as the World Champion. This should serve as a certain Chaos Champion’s assurance that getting Hide is nothing even remotely resembling a consolation prize. A former World Champion, technically one of the Top 10 greatest in the UGWC, is probably more of a punishment for Casanova. And if his insufferable attitude on social media is any indication, this could be considered an intentional punishment for The Modern Day Messiah.
Johnny and Hide had recently arrived in Columbus, Ohio, and settled into their hotel room, when Hide insisted on going out and about, much to the chagrin of his weary agent. As they wander downtown, garnering every passerby’s attention as they did, Johnny turns to his client. “I don’t even understand these people.”
Hide, confused, points to the locals. Johnny shakes his head, “NO, not THESE people, the bigwigs in The Coalition and Carnage! I don’t get why, WHY in the midst of arbitrary disdain online for the entire state of Ohio, that they decided to put on, to put on a show HERE of all places! Why not Wisconsin?”
“I like cheese.” Hide said in Japanese easy enough that even Johnny surely understood him.
“Or, or how about Minnesota?” Johnny continues, only for Hide to clear his throat and pantomime a cut throat so Johnny would take the hint. “Oh… right… that whole civil unrest thing.”
As World Heavyweight Champion - and even just before that, Hide had grown accustomed to being stopped for autographs, and the fans’ sentiments towards him seem to have not changed. Johnny chuckled in amusement. Then he asked, “Hey, doesn’t anyone want MY autograph?”
But the people just swarmed around Hide more and more.
“Wrestled for 20 years, two, two decades?”
They clamoured for the former World Champion.
“Won all sorts of titles? Got some, ah, Hall of Fame rings?”
This piqued the interest of at least one fan, “Oh yeah? Let’s see one!”
Johnny scoffed, “Well, I left them at home, so-”
And just like that, disinterest set in.
“Like I’m gonna bring valuable irreplaceable rings to, to OHIO of all places!” he sulked.
Now the fans wanted selfies with The Strong Style Satanist.
“You know, I DID almost beat Sarah Lacklan for the World title back at Horizons ‘19.” But despite that VERY impressive feat, the fans wanted Hide, Hide, HIDE! “Nothing? Oh, okay then, fuck me, I guess!”
So while Hide was infested with adoring fans, Johnny just looked around awkwardly. That was, until he spotted someone familiar.
Johnny looked confused. Narrowing his eyes, he asked of no one in particular, “Heyyyyyy, isn’t that that Casanova English guy?”
He tried keeping his eyes on the dapper fellow sauntering down the street, all the while trying to get Hide’s attention. “Hide. Hide! Hide?! HideHideHide, for God’s SAKE!”
He pulled Hide out of the waves of fans, “All right, show’s over, you parasiiiii-”
Hide looked at Johnny expectantly, but not in the way that one would want to continue with that sentence. “Ahhh, heh heh, you fine, FINE people! LOVE the people of Akron!”
“COLUMBUS!!!” they collectively shouted back.
Johnny rolled his eyes, “Yeah yeah, don’t pretend you guys have got THAT many major regional differences here! Anyway, blah blah blah, Hide, LOOK!”
Johnny points at that familiar guy.
Hide squints at… Casanova?... then looks at Johnny.
“Well, don’t just stand there, let’s stalk him!” Johnny said as he dragged Hide in the direction of their target.
They continue to follow the credibly conceivable Carnage Chaos Champion, but eventually, he notices he’s being tailed, so he picks up the pace.
“HE’S ONTO US AND TRYING TO LOSE US!” Johnny stupidly shouted a little too loudly. Hide wrapped his hands around Johnny’s mouth and tried moving quickly with him in that same position, which isn’t as easy as it may initially seem.
The guy starts running, well, as quickly as one can run in dress clothes and shoes.
“Mmmmph! Mmm! Mmmrrr!!” Johnny exclaimed.
The man ducks into the North Market Farmer’s Market, and Hide drags Johnny to its parking lot.
“Rrrt grr rrr mrrr, grrdrrrmttt!!!” Johnny warned Hide. His client acquiesced and let him go.
Now Johnny and Hide looked on at the city's only remaining market of four historic markets that once served the city. In many ways, this humble farmer’s market represents perseverance. It represents the will to outlast the competition. It’s a dog-eat-dog world out there, and while it would be nice for everyone to succeed, usually someone has to fail so others can survive. The cutthroat nature of the owners of this building was something Johnny both admired and probably made up. But nonetheless, Johnny saw this simple structure as a testament to withstanding the brutally cruel world. If this wasn’t like Johnny and Hide, nothing was!
But to Hide, it meant one thing, and one thing only, and it wasn’t finally catching up with the elusive and so-called Casanova English.
It meant fresh hand-made sausages.
A little while later, Johnny could be seen frowning as he pushed a shipping cart full of farm fresh eggs, potatoes of all shapes, sizes and colours, beef and pork of all cuts, mushrooms of all varieties, tomatoes, spinach, warm loaves of bread, and, of course, coils and coils of sausages. Johnny didn’t understand how Hide thought they’d be getting all of this onto an airplane back to Chicago, but, ha ha ha, he then remembers that none of this will last for more than four days anyway! He does still regret coming down to the PPV city of the month earlier than normal.
“You just about done there?” Johnny asked as he checked his finances online. Hide responded by coming back to the cart, arms full of many cheeses.
“Wisconsin cheese.” Hide said.
He then dumped them into the cart.
“Yeah, don’t worry about the eggs or anything.” Johnny mumbled.
As they made their way to the cash register, the actual purpose of their visit emerged from beyond the green beans and kale: Casanova fucking English!!
“Hide!” he said a bit too loudly.
Cursing to himself, he repeats quieter, “Hide! Look! It’s that dickhead! Let’s go!”
Hide was about to follow, but he looked longingly back at the organic straight-from-the-farm bounty that awaited them… him. Johnny breathed sharply out of his nose, “We’ll come back for it, for God’s sake! This is urgent!”
Then Johnny bolted off towards “Casanova”. Hide turned to the cashier, “Please reserve these for later.”
Then, he took off after Johnny.
“I don’t understand Japanese.” was all the cashier could say.
Noticing he was spotted once more, the Carnage warrior tried getting away, but his path was narrower than on the street. He tried knocking produce in the pair’s way, but they were agile enough to leap over it. Well, Hide was, anyway. Soon, Mr. English’s stamina began to run out, and he conceded to his fate. As Hide held the jaunty gent fast, Johnny had already picked himself off the floor and jogged up to the others, brushing himself off before saying, “We’ve got some things to discuss, Mr. English!”
Later, after having commandeered the employees-only area, a tied-up Carnage Champion wondered what he did to deserve this fate. Johnny advanced on the shiny shithead.
“Now… WHAT were you saying about me online?”
The captive’s eyes widened, “Wh-what do you mean? I never said anything to you-”
“Ah!” Johnny pressed two fingers up to the poor man’s lips. “Nonono, YOU’VE said enough already, don’t you think? No, you’re now gonna SIT there, SHUT up, and LISTEN to a couple of guys who actually KNOW what they’re talking about for once!”
Hide asked, “I’m beginning to wonder if this is in fact legal.”
Johnny sucked his teeth, “You better not have said what I thought you said!”
There was a pause, “Thankfully I don’t actually KNOW what you said, so we’ll continue. Casanova English, if that IS in fact your real name-”
“It isn’t!” the tuxedoed tyrant exclaimed.
“Well, neither is Johnny Hitmaker!” Johnny barked back, “So… Casanova English… lemme, make, one thing… PERFECTLY CLEAR: you might THINK you’ve hit the jackpot, what with getting paired with ‘Deathwish’ Hide Yamazaki over here. While most everyone else who’s a champion got linked up with another champion, you got the, the LOSER of Ignition, am I right?”
“Just… WHAT?!” Casanova shrieked.
Johnny jumped up and down as he pointed at his captive and laughed, “You see?! You hear that?! He called you a, a LOSER!! A World Heavyweight Champion The Coalition could be PROUD of, who fought off ALL comers for half a year, and he loses ONCE, and he’s a BUM! A veritable piece of SHIT!! You’re gonna make Hide here MAD at this rate, PAL! You wonder what he can do to you when you’re NOT tied up? You wonder what he can do to you when you ARE?”
“Oh GOD!” The Carnage star cried, “Oh FUCK!!”
Hide looked pensively, “I don’t think he said anything of the sort.”
Johnny glared over at Hide before slowly turning back to face the Chaos Champion(?).
“You’re lucky he’s in a kind, benevolent mood.” Johnny said, almost in a whisper.
The man in the suit breathed a sigh of relief, but his relief would be short-lived, as the expression on Johnny’s face hardened as he bent down to get eye-to-eye with his captive. “But me? I’m most definitely NOT in a kind, benevolent mood.”
“LOOK, I’m not who you think I am!” he said in an exacerbated tone.
Johnny examined Casanova’s face for some time. Then he stood upright again. Adjusting his tie, he finally spoke anew. “You’re right. You’re right about that, Mr. English, you’re not who ANYONE thinks you are! You’re a sham! A conman! A delivery boy of false promises! Oh sure, you’re the Chaos Champion NOW, but what will they say about Casanova English in a year’s time? TWO years time? TEN year’s time? TWENTY year’s time?! Will the name Casanova English even be REMEMBERED?”
“His name definitely rolls off the tongue.” Hide mused.
Johnny pretended to hold Hide back. “No, that’s enough, Hide, the time for wholesale grotesqueries is over now. Anyway, where was I? Oh yeah, YOU, Casanova English, for all your material acquisitions throughout your career, for all your insufferable braggadocio, you are merely the start of a veeeeerrrrryyyyy long night for Team Carnage. Because regardless of what anyone in OUR locker room thinks, this ISN’T friendly competition. This is WAR, and it’s BEEN a war since November when all you Carnage folk thought it’d be cute to show up to Battleground and root on your pal at the time JC. Well, HOW’D THAT GO FOR YOU ALL?? PRETTY SURE PRETTY POORLY! Hide introduced the world to The Hierophant, and JC experienced it up close and WAY too personal for his comfort! WE sunk the first of many ships in Carnage’s fleet, NOT the Harpy Queen, US, HIDE! And if you think for just one SECOND Monday night’s NOT gonna be another busted boat for you guys, you’re SORELY mistaken!”
The captive just sighs in defeat. Maybe if he keeps quiet and listens to this crazy person, he’ll be okay.
“But… you know… SPEAKING of JC…” Johnny said but then stopped to think about it. He frowned and shook his head. “Didn’t quite like how you guys just abandoned him like you did.”
“Uh, wha- what?!”
“Hey now,” Johnny replied, “I know what you’re thinking, but what was between JC and my man here, that was just BUSINESS! What YOU people did to him, took him in, embraced him, then when he was too MUCH for you all, you just… CHUCKED him by the wayside! You kissed his face then kicked his ASS! As far as I’M concerned, you’re all a pack of regular JUDASES! ...JUDI? However you’d say it, you’re it, and just KNOWING the sorta prick you are, I could reasonably believe you had a BIG ol’ part to play in that conspiracy!”
“Oh good, you like JC now.” Hide said as he patted his manager on the back.
“Sir… please… PLEASE listen,” the alleged Casanova pleaded, “Just answer me something: who do you think I am?”
Johnny narrowed his eyes at the Carnager. “You listen here, Shia LaBeouf, if you go around in life just demanding people know who you are, you’re gonna ruffle a LOTTA feathers, MACK, a LOTTA feathers.”
“No! That’s not what I meant!” the supposed Mr. English said, his voice cracking. “I’m ASKING you… what PERSON are you mistaking me for?!”
Johnny snapped his fingers and then pointed right at the purported Chaos Champion, “A DECENT human being, Mr. English! A mistake I’m sure more than ONE person’s made about you, you sorry excuse for a, a, a… WHATEVER you are!”
“Oh, GOD, NO!” the maybe Carnage wrestler whined frustratedly. “You’re not getting it-”
“NO! YOU’RE not getting it, me BUCKO!” Johnny snapped back, “You’ve gone your whole life unfettered for the most part, but those days of being some untouchable force in professional wrestling are gonna OFFICIALLY be over Monday night! For all your skill, for all your talent, for all your ability, for all your feats of superhuman endurance and perseverance, the irresistible force that is Casanova English going up against the immovable object that is Hide Yamazaki! You’re going to get a first-class ticket to a tasting of only the FINEST of beatings! Chalk up another ‘W’ for Team UGWC! God knows we can’t rely on INCENDIUM to get the job done!”
Partway through yet another of Johnny’s world-famous diatribes, the captive has just resorted to sobbing uncontrollably. Hide tries to console the gentleman. “It’s okay, no one’s going to hurt you… until Monday night, at which point I will VERY much hurt you, and with extreme pleasure.”
But thankfully this guy doesn’t speak Japanese.
“Yeah, you cry NOW!” Johnny said as he crossed his arms. “You SHOULD be ashamed of how you’ve been acting on social media! Unbecoming of a champion if you ask ME, and I’m sure you wou-”
Then the doors to the break room swing open, and a few cashiers on their break enter, partway through their own conversation. They stop abruptly once they see the scene before them.
“What the-” the younger man says.
“Mr. Cumberdale?!” the younger (but not as young as the guy) woman exclaims.
Johnny gives the two the side-eyes. “Mr. Cumberdale?”
Hide rises to his feet to join Johnny’s side.
“What are you doing to our boss?!” the woman says incredulously.
“I KNEW he was into this stuff!” the man whispers to his coworker.
“Mr. Cumberdale…” Johnny said to himself. “I wouldn’t have imagined Casanova English’s real last name would be CUMBERDALE of all things-”
“HELP ME OUT HERE!” Mr. Cumberdale cried. “THESE MANIACS TIED ME UP AND THINK I’M SOME WRESTLER!!”
The woman cautiously springs into action. When neither Hide nor Johnny make any effort to stop her, she indeed unties her boss.
The male coworker approaches the Coalition pair. “I know, you thought he looked like Casanova English. He’s gotten that before, but it’s never really negatively impacted his life to this extent.”
As both of Johnny’s brains are finally processing the situation, he bites his lower lip and narrows his eyes. “Two tickets to Incursion and you didn’t see anything.”
“Make ‘em front row.” the shrewd produce wrangler retorted.
“FRONT ROW!!” Johnny shouted before lowering his tone once again, “A-all right, front row, front row. Now, we gotta skedaddle.”
But Hide stops his agent, “Aren’t you forgetting something?”
And unfortunately, Johnny understood Hide, and his mind raced back to that overflowing shopping cart and his subsequently diminishing chequing account.
Anyway, what this all means is, Hide Yamazaki, representing The Coalition in the joint-venture between them and Carnage Wrestling, is going into Incursion as big a threat as he would have been as the World Champion. This should serve as a certain Chaos Champion’s assurance that getting Hide is nothing even remotely resembling a consolation prize. A former World Champion, technically one of the Top 10 greatest in the UGWC, is probably more of a punishment for Casanova. And if his insufferable attitude on social media is any indication, this could be considered an intentional punishment for The Modern Day Messiah.
Johnny and Hide had recently arrived in Columbus, Ohio, and settled into their hotel room, when Hide insisted on going out and about, much to the chagrin of his weary agent. As they wander downtown, garnering every passerby’s attention as they did, Johnny turns to his client. “I don’t even understand these people.”
Hide, confused, points to the locals. Johnny shakes his head, “NO, not THESE people, the bigwigs in The Coalition and Carnage! I don’t get why, WHY in the midst of arbitrary disdain online for the entire state of Ohio, that they decided to put on, to put on a show HERE of all places! Why not Wisconsin?”
“I like cheese.” Hide said in Japanese easy enough that even Johnny surely understood him.
“Or, or how about Minnesota?” Johnny continues, only for Hide to clear his throat and pantomime a cut throat so Johnny would take the hint. “Oh… right… that whole civil unrest thing.”
As World Heavyweight Champion - and even just before that, Hide had grown accustomed to being stopped for autographs, and the fans’ sentiments towards him seem to have not changed. Johnny chuckled in amusement. Then he asked, “Hey, doesn’t anyone want MY autograph?”
But the people just swarmed around Hide more and more.
“Wrestled for 20 years, two, two decades?”
They clamoured for the former World Champion.
“Won all sorts of titles? Got some, ah, Hall of Fame rings?”
This piqued the interest of at least one fan, “Oh yeah? Let’s see one!”
Johnny scoffed, “Well, I left them at home, so-”
And just like that, disinterest set in.
“Like I’m gonna bring valuable irreplaceable rings to, to OHIO of all places!” he sulked.
Now the fans wanted selfies with The Strong Style Satanist.
“You know, I DID almost beat Sarah Lacklan for the World title back at Horizons ‘19.” But despite that VERY impressive feat, the fans wanted Hide, Hide, HIDE! “Nothing? Oh, okay then, fuck me, I guess!”
So while Hide was infested with adoring fans, Johnny just looked around awkwardly. That was, until he spotted someone familiar.
Johnny looked confused. Narrowing his eyes, he asked of no one in particular, “Heyyyyyy, isn’t that that Casanova English guy?”
He tried keeping his eyes on the dapper fellow sauntering down the street, all the while trying to get Hide’s attention. “Hide. Hide! Hide?! HideHideHide, for God’s SAKE!”
He pulled Hide out of the waves of fans, “All right, show’s over, you parasiiiii-”
Hide looked at Johnny expectantly, but not in the way that one would want to continue with that sentence. “Ahhh, heh heh, you fine, FINE people! LOVE the people of Akron!”
“COLUMBUS!!!” they collectively shouted back.
Johnny rolled his eyes, “Yeah yeah, don’t pretend you guys have got THAT many major regional differences here! Anyway, blah blah blah, Hide, LOOK!”
Johnny points at that familiar guy.
Hide squints at… Casanova?... then looks at Johnny.
“Well, don’t just stand there, let’s stalk him!” Johnny said as he dragged Hide in the direction of their target.
They continue to follow the credibly conceivable Carnage Chaos Champion, but eventually, he notices he’s being tailed, so he picks up the pace.
“HE’S ONTO US AND TRYING TO LOSE US!” Johnny stupidly shouted a little too loudly. Hide wrapped his hands around Johnny’s mouth and tried moving quickly with him in that same position, which isn’t as easy as it may initially seem.
The guy starts running, well, as quickly as one can run in dress clothes and shoes.
“Mmmmph! Mmm! Mmmrrr!!” Johnny exclaimed.
The man ducks into the North Market Farmer’s Market, and Hide drags Johnny to its parking lot.
“Rrrt grr rrr mrrr, grrdrrrmttt!!!” Johnny warned Hide. His client acquiesced and let him go.
Now Johnny and Hide looked on at the city's only remaining market of four historic markets that once served the city. In many ways, this humble farmer’s market represents perseverance. It represents the will to outlast the competition. It’s a dog-eat-dog world out there, and while it would be nice for everyone to succeed, usually someone has to fail so others can survive. The cutthroat nature of the owners of this building was something Johnny both admired and probably made up. But nonetheless, Johnny saw this simple structure as a testament to withstanding the brutally cruel world. If this wasn’t like Johnny and Hide, nothing was!
But to Hide, it meant one thing, and one thing only, and it wasn’t finally catching up with the elusive and so-called Casanova English.
It meant fresh hand-made sausages.
A little while later, Johnny could be seen frowning as he pushed a shipping cart full of farm fresh eggs, potatoes of all shapes, sizes and colours, beef and pork of all cuts, mushrooms of all varieties, tomatoes, spinach, warm loaves of bread, and, of course, coils and coils of sausages. Johnny didn’t understand how Hide thought they’d be getting all of this onto an airplane back to Chicago, but, ha ha ha, he then remembers that none of this will last for more than four days anyway! He does still regret coming down to the PPV city of the month earlier than normal.
“You just about done there?” Johnny asked as he checked his finances online. Hide responded by coming back to the cart, arms full of many cheeses.
“Wisconsin cheese.” Hide said.
He then dumped them into the cart.
“Yeah, don’t worry about the eggs or anything.” Johnny mumbled.
As they made their way to the cash register, the actual purpose of their visit emerged from beyond the green beans and kale: Casanova fucking English!!
“Hide!” he said a bit too loudly.
Cursing to himself, he repeats quieter, “Hide! Look! It’s that dickhead! Let’s go!”
Hide was about to follow, but he looked longingly back at the organic straight-from-the-farm bounty that awaited them… him. Johnny breathed sharply out of his nose, “We’ll come back for it, for God’s sake! This is urgent!”
Then Johnny bolted off towards “Casanova”. Hide turned to the cashier, “Please reserve these for later.”
Then, he took off after Johnny.
“I don’t understand Japanese.” was all the cashier could say.
Noticing he was spotted once more, the Carnage warrior tried getting away, but his path was narrower than on the street. He tried knocking produce in the pair’s way, but they were agile enough to leap over it. Well, Hide was, anyway. Soon, Mr. English’s stamina began to run out, and he conceded to his fate. As Hide held the jaunty gent fast, Johnny had already picked himself off the floor and jogged up to the others, brushing himself off before saying, “We’ve got some things to discuss, Mr. English!”
Later, after having commandeered the employees-only area, a tied-up Carnage Champion wondered what he did to deserve this fate. Johnny advanced on the shiny shithead.
“Now… WHAT were you saying about me online?”
The captive’s eyes widened, “Wh-what do you mean? I never said anything to you-”
“Ah!” Johnny pressed two fingers up to the poor man’s lips. “Nonono, YOU’VE said enough already, don’t you think? No, you’re now gonna SIT there, SHUT up, and LISTEN to a couple of guys who actually KNOW what they’re talking about for once!”
Hide asked, “I’m beginning to wonder if this is in fact legal.”
Johnny sucked his teeth, “You better not have said what I thought you said!”
There was a pause, “Thankfully I don’t actually KNOW what you said, so we’ll continue. Casanova English, if that IS in fact your real name-”
“It isn’t!” the tuxedoed tyrant exclaimed.
“Well, neither is Johnny Hitmaker!” Johnny barked back, “So… Casanova English… lemme, make, one thing… PERFECTLY CLEAR: you might THINK you’ve hit the jackpot, what with getting paired with ‘Deathwish’ Hide Yamazaki over here. While most everyone else who’s a champion got linked up with another champion, you got the, the LOSER of Ignition, am I right?”
“Just… WHAT?!” Casanova shrieked.
Johnny jumped up and down as he pointed at his captive and laughed, “You see?! You hear that?! He called you a, a LOSER!! A World Heavyweight Champion The Coalition could be PROUD of, who fought off ALL comers for half a year, and he loses ONCE, and he’s a BUM! A veritable piece of SHIT!! You’re gonna make Hide here MAD at this rate, PAL! You wonder what he can do to you when you’re NOT tied up? You wonder what he can do to you when you ARE?”
“Oh GOD!” The Carnage star cried, “Oh FUCK!!”
Hide looked pensively, “I don’t think he said anything of the sort.”
Johnny glared over at Hide before slowly turning back to face the Chaos Champion(?).
“You’re lucky he’s in a kind, benevolent mood.” Johnny said, almost in a whisper.
The man in the suit breathed a sigh of relief, but his relief would be short-lived, as the expression on Johnny’s face hardened as he bent down to get eye-to-eye with his captive. “But me? I’m most definitely NOT in a kind, benevolent mood.”
“LOOK, I’m not who you think I am!” he said in an exacerbated tone.
Johnny examined Casanova’s face for some time. Then he stood upright again. Adjusting his tie, he finally spoke anew. “You’re right. You’re right about that, Mr. English, you’re not who ANYONE thinks you are! You’re a sham! A conman! A delivery boy of false promises! Oh sure, you’re the Chaos Champion NOW, but what will they say about Casanova English in a year’s time? TWO years time? TEN year’s time? TWENTY year’s time?! Will the name Casanova English even be REMEMBERED?”
“His name definitely rolls off the tongue.” Hide mused.
Johnny pretended to hold Hide back. “No, that’s enough, Hide, the time for wholesale grotesqueries is over now. Anyway, where was I? Oh yeah, YOU, Casanova English, for all your material acquisitions throughout your career, for all your insufferable braggadocio, you are merely the start of a veeeeerrrrryyyyy long night for Team Carnage. Because regardless of what anyone in OUR locker room thinks, this ISN’T friendly competition. This is WAR, and it’s BEEN a war since November when all you Carnage folk thought it’d be cute to show up to Battleground and root on your pal at the time JC. Well, HOW’D THAT GO FOR YOU ALL?? PRETTY SURE PRETTY POORLY! Hide introduced the world to The Hierophant, and JC experienced it up close and WAY too personal for his comfort! WE sunk the first of many ships in Carnage’s fleet, NOT the Harpy Queen, US, HIDE! And if you think for just one SECOND Monday night’s NOT gonna be another busted boat for you guys, you’re SORELY mistaken!”
The captive just sighs in defeat. Maybe if he keeps quiet and listens to this crazy person, he’ll be okay.
“But… you know… SPEAKING of JC…” Johnny said but then stopped to think about it. He frowned and shook his head. “Didn’t quite like how you guys just abandoned him like you did.”
“Uh, wha- what?!”
“Hey now,” Johnny replied, “I know what you’re thinking, but what was between JC and my man here, that was just BUSINESS! What YOU people did to him, took him in, embraced him, then when he was too MUCH for you all, you just… CHUCKED him by the wayside! You kissed his face then kicked his ASS! As far as I’M concerned, you’re all a pack of regular JUDASES! ...JUDI? However you’d say it, you’re it, and just KNOWING the sorta prick you are, I could reasonably believe you had a BIG ol’ part to play in that conspiracy!”
“Oh good, you like JC now.” Hide said as he patted his manager on the back.
“Sir… please… PLEASE listen,” the alleged Casanova pleaded, “Just answer me something: who do you think I am?”
Johnny narrowed his eyes at the Carnager. “You listen here, Shia LaBeouf, if you go around in life just demanding people know who you are, you’re gonna ruffle a LOTTA feathers, MACK, a LOTTA feathers.”
“No! That’s not what I meant!” the supposed Mr. English said, his voice cracking. “I’m ASKING you… what PERSON are you mistaking me for?!”
Johnny snapped his fingers and then pointed right at the purported Chaos Champion, “A DECENT human being, Mr. English! A mistake I’m sure more than ONE person’s made about you, you sorry excuse for a, a, a… WHATEVER you are!”
“Oh, GOD, NO!” the maybe Carnage wrestler whined frustratedly. “You’re not getting it-”
“NO! YOU’RE not getting it, me BUCKO!” Johnny snapped back, “You’ve gone your whole life unfettered for the most part, but those days of being some untouchable force in professional wrestling are gonna OFFICIALLY be over Monday night! For all your skill, for all your talent, for all your ability, for all your feats of superhuman endurance and perseverance, the irresistible force that is Casanova English going up against the immovable object that is Hide Yamazaki! You’re going to get a first-class ticket to a tasting of only the FINEST of beatings! Chalk up another ‘W’ for Team UGWC! God knows we can’t rely on INCENDIUM to get the job done!”
Partway through yet another of Johnny’s world-famous diatribes, the captive has just resorted to sobbing uncontrollably. Hide tries to console the gentleman. “It’s okay, no one’s going to hurt you… until Monday night, at which point I will VERY much hurt you, and with extreme pleasure.”
But thankfully this guy doesn’t speak Japanese.
“Yeah, you cry NOW!” Johnny said as he crossed his arms. “You SHOULD be ashamed of how you’ve been acting on social media! Unbecoming of a champion if you ask ME, and I’m sure you wou-”
Then the doors to the break room swing open, and a few cashiers on their break enter, partway through their own conversation. They stop abruptly once they see the scene before them.
“What the-” the younger man says.
“Mr. Cumberdale?!” the younger (but not as young as the guy) woman exclaims.
Johnny gives the two the side-eyes. “Mr. Cumberdale?”
Hide rises to his feet to join Johnny’s side.
“What are you doing to our boss?!” the woman says incredulously.
“I KNEW he was into this stuff!” the man whispers to his coworker.
“Mr. Cumberdale…” Johnny said to himself. “I wouldn’t have imagined Casanova English’s real last name would be CUMBERDALE of all things-”
“HELP ME OUT HERE!” Mr. Cumberdale cried. “THESE MANIACS TIED ME UP AND THINK I’M SOME WRESTLER!!”
The woman cautiously springs into action. When neither Hide nor Johnny make any effort to stop her, she indeed unties her boss.
The male coworker approaches the Coalition pair. “I know, you thought he looked like Casanova English. He’s gotten that before, but it’s never really negatively impacted his life to this extent.”
As both of Johnny’s brains are finally processing the situation, he bites his lower lip and narrows his eyes. “Two tickets to Incursion and you didn’t see anything.”
“Make ‘em front row.” the shrewd produce wrangler retorted.
“FRONT ROW!!” Johnny shouted before lowering his tone once again, “A-all right, front row, front row. Now, we gotta skedaddle.”
But Hide stops his agent, “Aren’t you forgetting something?”
And unfortunately, Johnny understood Hide, and his mind raced back to that overflowing shopping cart and his subsequently diminishing chequing account.
