Sentinel 01/03/09 Results

[T-Robosaurus Rex]

In the bowels of the arena, Ezekiel Pax is on the phone to his mentor, Xavier Bryan. As he walks, talking, he wonders into a part of the arena he is unfamiliar with… a part that the Covenant have claimed as their own. Mickey Dragon and Raenius have set up a makeshift table and chairs out of the gear boxes used by the ring staff, and are involved in an obviously inebriated game of cards.

Dragon: Go fish.

Raenius: This is poker, you bag of cuntslop.

Dragon: Go fish. Then go fuck yourself.

Ezekiel: I gotta let you go, dude.

Ezekiel clicks the phone shut.

Ezekiel: Look who the dog puked up. How you bitches doin’? Still a little banged up from our match?

Dragon shoots an evil look in the direction of Pax, but Raenius simply stares at the hand before him, tapping his fingers on his leg.

Ezekiel: Mind if I sit down, ladies?

Ezekiel doesn't wait for a response and takes a seat across from Mickey. He points at the side of Raenius' face, which is still slightly bruised from the 'GOAL' kick into the stairs.

Ezekiel: Looks like you got some battle wounds there, Rainy. Didn't mean to hurt your sensitive skin.

Mickey is chomping at the bit, but Raenius motions, by raising his hand, for him to stay put and do nothing.

Ezekiel: Keep that dog of yours on a leash. Can't be forfeiting the tag titles due to rabies. How does it feel knowing that you lost to a teenager?

A slow, sickly smile grows upon Raenius face as Dragon continues to grind his teeth.

Ezekiel: Got a smile out ya. Were you smiling when Kathryn left your life for the second time?

The smile on the Resident Evil’s face continues to grow.

Ezekiel: Having fun, are we? Speaking of the word 'fun', how was Kiri's funeral? Was that fun?

Setting his cards facedown, Raenius looks up towards Pax, his smile melting away. Though his eyes still have glitter in amusement.

Ezekiel: Must have been fun, right? Having one so close to you raped. …Then Murdered. Wish I could've been there. Was your daughter there?

With that, Dragon kicks his chair from underneath him, rising quickly. Pax does the same to square up to him, but Raenius simply casts his hand up once more, then lowering it in a motion that tells Mickey to sit back down. He does so with vehemence in his eyes, and Raenius turns to the now standing Pax, slowly.

Then he smiles again.

Ezekiel: Like I said, bitch, keep your dog on a leash. Now… I bet that your daughter wasn't there. You wouldn't want your precious daughter around all that evil. Just by being your daughter she is bound to grow up and become some evil being like her piece of shit father. Or become a vanishing hooker like her mom.

Raenius: You know…

Finally replying, Raenius reaches into his coat.

Raenius: I had meant to come find you a bit before now. But… y’know… got drunk and forgot. Started playing pokerfish with my friend Mickey. …But I have a present for you. Just because I love you so much.

The Resident Evil reaches out a plain white envelope to Pax, who hesitates before taking it.

Raenius: See, Ezekiel, I’m going to help you. I’m going to make you a better person. Whether you want me to or not.

He opens the envelope slowly, as if he were expecting it to explode.

Raenius: Just like I did for Xavier. Though he didn’t appreciate it. Didn’t learn anything. You, though… I’m certain that you will.

Ezekiel unfolds the contents of the envelope. A plane ticket and a piece of paper with an address on it. Confused, he looks at Raenius.

Raenius: That’s the address of an old friend of yours, Ezekiel. I think you’ll benefit greatly as a human being by going to visit him. Although… I do declare to have a smidge of doubt that he’ll be grateful to see you…

Ezekiel: What are you talking about, you fucking lunatic?

Raenius, again, with the smile.

Raenius: Simon. Ketch.

Ezekiel: What the hell is this?

Raenius: It is what it is. It’s a plane ticket, and the address to where he currently resides. If I were you I’d go and see him. If only for the… closure of it.

Confused, Ezekiel turns and heads the opposite direction continues to Raenius smiles. He sets his cards face-up on the table in front of Dragon. Five joker cards.

Raenius: Snap…

Raenius laughs as the camera cuts away to ringside.

Hanson: Sigh

Vinegar: Something wrong Dan?

Hanson: You know normally this the part of the show where I pump the fans up and welcome them to another edition of Sentinel……but who are we kidding? No Gabrielle, Travis Roberts on referee duty, still no Prescott’s, a main event involving living proof why we should all practice safe sex AND that ninja thief. How could anyone get pumped up for this show?

Vinegar: Well despite your assessment Dan this is set to be a hell of a show and we are only three weeks out from Affirmative Action.

Hanson: Affirmitave Action? Obama gone crazy I’ll guess; listen the GIW is already affirmative actioned, we have the strangest, oddest collective of human beings ever assembled, every race, every breed, every type of freak SOMEHOW gets a job here.

Vinegar: No the PPV Dan!

Hanson: Well in that case Nick……..No, no still can’t do it, that’s three weeks away!

Vinegar: Donovan has a title match tonight.

Hanson: Lord Donovan to you peasant…..Lord Chief Donovan! Why wasn’t I told?

Vinegar: You were, but we’re not quite sure just what happens in your head between being told something and actually realizing the information.

Hanson: Even still until then I’ve got to sit through spacemen, slobbering Japanese idiots, stoners, my poor Gabby’s stalker, a minf…..

Vinegar: MINF?

Hanson: Mother I’d never fuck. Keep with the times……you’re seriously harming the coolness at this booth. Yeah sure I’m cool but there’s a lot of your fat ass I have to try and make look cool as well.

Vinegar: Let’s just get to it.

Hanson: That’s what yo momma said last night.

Vinegar: She’s dead fool.

Hanson: That’s what YOU think.

As Nicholas Vinegar shakes his head Spineshanks ‘Beginning Of The End’ begins playing as several flames leap up out of the entranceway, following which ‘Space Cadet’ Tim Kingsley comes out atop the entranceway with his laser gun in his hands which he points around the arena including briefly towards the announce desk causing Daniel Hanson to duck underneath the desk.

Vinegar: You’ve been jumpy ever since…….

Hanson: I’m telling you Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson’s ghost’s visited me in the middle of the night, they went after Gabby as well while she was sleeping next to me.

Vinegar: There’s several reasons why I fail to believe that story; one…….

Dennis: Ladies and gentlemen this is the first contest of the evening, introducing the first competitor from Houston, Texas weighing in at 220 pounds: SPAAAAAAACE MAAAAAAN TIIIIIIIIIM KINGGGGGGGGGGGSLEYYYYYYYYY

Hanson: Haha Mitchell interrupted you.

Kingsley then fires his laser gun up into the air, setting off a series of fireworks as he then makes his way down to the ring, stopping to salute random audience members before entering the ring and mounting a turnbuckle where he pretends to fire several shots off into the audience.

Hanson: See Obama look at this, get you’re Affirmative Action crap out of here!

Vinegar: It’s a PPV fool!

‘Cyanide Sweet Tooth’ by Shinedown then begins playing as Chassie fears lighting display takes place; black, red and white strobe lights alternate throughout the arena in time with the music as Chassie fear soon walks out atop the entranceway.

Dennis: And the opponent weighing in at 120 pounds, this is:..

Hanson: MIIIIINNNFFF!!

Dennis: Shut up fool! This is: CHASSSSIIEEEE LYNN FEAAAAARRRRRR

Hanson: I’m not the fool, you’re all the fools.

Chassie then makes her way down to the ring gazing out at the sea of GIW fans many of which are shouting well wishes for Hayleigh at her. Chassie fights back an emotional tear before breaking into a run and sliding into the ring. Getting to her feet her eyes remain on Kingsley as she stretches her body out.

Hanson: Not this idiot again.

A familiar looking man then walks out atop the stage microphone in hand as images of Cyclone Tracey play on the titantron behind him.

Man: Cyclones are a natural part of the world. Although they occur in this world just like you or I do, they still pose a threat, GIW, this..............IS A CYCLONE WARNING!!!!!

Sirens then sound off before being cut out by ‘Rock You Like A Hurricane’ by The Scorpions as hand in hand JK and Jasmine walk out atop the entranceway, posing for the crowd before marching off down to the ring amidst a fireworks display.

Dennis: And their opponent accompanied by Jasmine Alexandra Kanelis, from Townsville, Australia weighing in at 229 pounds: THE AUSSSSIE SUPERSTARRRRRRRRR JJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJKKKKKKKKKK

JK slides into the ring first and holds the ropes open for Jazz as Daniel Hanson gets to his feet hoping for a better view.

Vinegar: Jail bait Daniel, jail bait.

Hanson: Prison can’t be that bad, I’d be far away from you….and that momma of yours.

Vinegar: You’ll get to be a momma instead!

Hanson: That’s sick Nick…..lets just focus on the match.

Vinegar: Wow…..just wow! I never though I’d hear those words FROM YOU!!

Hanson: I’m a complex man Nick.

Vinegar: You may be…but there’s nothing complex about the start of this match. Chassie taking both her opponents down with a series of spinning Savate kicks. She’s now sizing up Kingsley, JK though first up to his feet and charges as Chass who avoids the contact and it’s Tim that gets taken down with that clothesline and then Chassie with a quick neckbreaker and rolls into the pin.

Peterson: 1-2-

Vinegar: Kickout!

Hanson: Damn it!

Vinegar: You want Chassie to win this one Dan?

Hanson: I just want this one over!

Vinegar: Tim coming at Chass with a crossbody, before turning his attention to JK with a series of elbow drops, before spring boarding another elbow drop attempt, JK though rolls out of the way.

Hanson: I might have been wrong about Chassie……

Vinegar: Now JK stomping away at the newcomer before yanking him to his feet for a quick DDT.

Hanson: The way she’s kneeling there………

Vinegar: JK pulls Tim back up to his feet going for a suplex this time, its countered though as Tim gets the go behind and hits a German suplex of his own.

Hanson: Running her hands along her head…………

Vinegar: Kingsley now with a leg drop across the throat then pulls JK back up and plants him with a scoop slam.

Hanson: Poor woman was involved in a car accident……….

Vinegar: And another leg drop and here’s the pin.

Hanson: And now she’s got the space loon and Mr. Australia to contend with……..

Peterson: 1-2-

Hanson: Maybe I should check on her…………

Vinegar: No need to partner, Chassie’s back to her feet and just charged at Kingsley who ducked the clothesline, JK attempts his own clothesline which to is avoided.

Hanson: Whys JK looking at Chassie like that?

Vinegar: Maybe that’s why, double Pele kick on Kingsley, who goes down hard.

Hanson: Now JK and Chassie turn to each other, trading blows.

Vinegar: Chassie noticeably doing her best to protect that head drops down and goes with a drop toehold before floating over into a headlock on JK. The Australian though getting back up to his feet manages to push Chassie away and attempts a lariat.

Hanson: Chassie ducked that though and attempts another Pele kick.

Vinegar: JK though avoids the contact.

Hanson: AVOIDS THE CONTACT!! He grabbed my Chassie’s leg and spiked her head first into the canvas.

Vinegar: Your Chassie?

Hanson: I’m lonely.

Vinegar: JK looking to capitalize, climbing the turnbuckle for what I dare say will be that Cane Toad Splash. Kingsley though up to his feet and shakes the ropes causing JK to lose his footage.

Hanson: Lucky for him he’s got little miss jail bait to tend to that after the match. Surely a hand job wouldn’t send me to prison?

Vinegar: The Space cadet now climbing the turnbuckle and looks like he’s going for what I’ll assume is the Life On Mars.

Hanson: Whatever he calls it that was a fallaway slam to make JBL proud.

Petersen: 1-2-3

Vinegar: And this one is over. Tim Kingsley won his debut match in the GIW.

Hanson: That alone makes him better than half the wrestlers we’ve had sign up to GIW

Vinegar: That’s right partner, he actually showed up for his first match.

Hanson: Some could even say that this was ‘revenge’ for tapping to an armbar.

Vinegar: I don’t see how.

Hanson: Insider joke Nick….you’re not cool enough. What is cool though is we’re all closer to seeing Lord Hastings win a GIW Championship.

[T-Robosaurus Rex]

"I Turn My Camera On" by Spoon plays over the loudspeakers. Moss Edwards, clad in a very dapper suit, carries his GIW.com belt under his arm and is followed by the always impeccable Ms. Harding.

Hanson: Hey, what's baldie doing down here? Shouldn't he be backstage, getting ready for his match against our Lord-Chiefship?

Vinegar: He's our newest champion, Daniel, and he didn't get a chance last week to talk about that, thanks to your Lord.

Hanson: You're just jealous that I'm a niglet and you're not.

Vinegar: Ms Harding acquiring a microphone for her employer, that's a pretty big smile on Moss's face. He must have so many thoughts after being awarded that title.

Hanson: Here they are. Blah blah blah movies blah blah blah motivation blah blah i'm shiny.

Moss: Target demographic, as you may already be aware, I was recently bestowed a great honor. After a grueling triple threat match last week, I was named as your GIW.com Champion, and they handed me this shiny, shiny belt. Let's relive that moment in history, shall we? Keith, roll the footage.

The GlobalTron shows the replay of the Dredd, Raenius, Edwards match from the last Sentinel.

Moss: Ah, yes. I admit, I was disappointed that I was unable to continue through the ranks of the Chief Negro tournament. But now, looking down at this belt, I can see what my real purpose is in this company. It's a terrible burden, that only I, as The Tastemaker, aka the most innovative mind in the wrestling industry today, am uniquely equipped to take on. This is title of GIW.com. And Grace assures me that the Interweb is all about immediate interactions.

Hanson: What the hell's an interweb?

Vinegar: Just let it go.

Hanson: What is St. Baldrick up to?

Moss: So I spend the last week out among the people. The great unwashed masses. And I realized, that they are missing out. They don't know what's truly going on inside this circle that is squared. And I pledge to you, that I will do my best to rectify that. To get you a unique upclose view of your GIW superstars. To that end, I present this, the first installment of my new segment, MOSS EDWARD'S HEADSHOTS!

The Auteur punches his fist in punctuation to...something. He looks around expectantly.

Hanson: Scragglechin appears to have wanted a bigger reaction. Now he's asking Ms Hard-On for his cell phone.

Vinegar: Is this seriously what we've come to?

Hanson: Hey, I don't get to talk during these segments, I have to entertain myself somehow.

Vinegar: Edwards on the phone with someone now.

Moss: Yeah, it's me, where's my friggin' pyro? No, I need it tonight, I need it five fucking seconds ago, or did you not get that memo? It's only the first night of my new segment, that's all, and already you're sticking your dick into it. No, it's fucking unprofessional, I should just start smashing up all your lights, mess your shit up like you're messing up mine. Where is my fucking pyro? Budget? Take it out of catering, tell Tony to order some pizzas, if this happens again you are getting the most violent colonoscopy in history.

Vinegar: Phone handed back to Grace, somebody backstage is apparently on the champion's list.

Hanson: Oh, I'm sorry, was something happening?

Moss: Anyway, target demographic, for my first installment of Head Shots, I wanted to have a big name, I wanted to have the kind of guest that only a champion could pull in, I wanted a guest that you all needed to see. And most importantly, I needed a guest who could provide me with some insight into this whole championship thing. So I got a former champion, AND someone who was involved in perhaps THE most talked about match in GIW history!

Vinegar: Think he's talking about Alex Kiseragi? That would be a huge coup for the first interview!

Hanson: And then they could go on a date, it'd be perfect.

Moss: Ladies, gentlemen, Hanson. Please give a warm welcome, to my guest, Former GIW Canadian Champion KILLSWITCH!!!

Hanson: Big Bad Voodoo Daddy! The Bald Nigga resurrected the dead!

Vinegar: The crowd is confused as "Self Revolution" plays over the speakers, wait, what's that at the entrance?

Hanson: It's a zombie! IT'S THE WALKING DEAD, PROTECT YOUR BRAINS! IT'S....it's Bones. With a dust pan.

Vinegar: Our resident creepy janitor is apparently bringing the ashen remains of Killswitch down to the ring. He's having some troubles getting through the ropes.

Moss: Hey, hey, take it easy, you're going to spill my guest. Thanks so much for taking time off of your busy schedule to come see us tonight. I can see you're still dead. How's that working out for you?

Ashes:....

Moss: Fascinating. Now you were technically an undisputed champion, by which I mean, you never defended your title. As someone who doesn't want to give up their belt, how can I accomplish such a feat?

Ashes:....

Moss: Oh, cowardice. I never would tried that, actually. You, sir, were truly visionary. Now, I wish we had more time to chat, but I have a crazy person to beat this evening, and frankly, you're not that interesting. But as I said, you WERE involved in perhaps THE most talked-about main event in GIW history. How does it feel to be a part of history?

Sound of mic plunging into dustpan: tunk!

Sound of hand cleaning mic: swip!

Moss: Awesome. It was truly an epic display. One small problem, the only one that I could see with the match, is that I, The Auteur, was not able to get a shot in, because there was truly a long queue of people wanting to get their hands on you. So, retroactively, I'd like to add this.

Vinegar: Moss brings his hand up and knocks the pan out of Bones' grasp. Killswitch's ashes fall onto the mat!

Moss: And now, Monsieur, I just made you famous. Alright you palsied bastard, clean this up, we got more matches.

Vinegar: Well that was different...

Hanson: Next up we have the match between two of GIW’s biggest men in “The Monster” Dredd and “Diamond” Jack Severino.

Vinegar: Should be a slobberknocker.

Hanson: I hope Dredd wins the match and breaks Jack’s legs.

Vinegar: Why would you wish that on someone, Daniel?

Hanson: Because Jack is trying to move in on my girl.

Vinegar: Who’s your girl, Daniel?

Hanson: Gabrielle Madison Hanson.

Vinegar: Right? I’ll be sure to tell Chinatsu then.

Hanson: Don’t do that.

Vinegar: Well, Dennis Mitchell is ready for ring introductions so let’s get to it.

Dennis: Coming to the ring, weighing in at 270lbs, hailing from Nelson, New Zealand, its DIAMOND JACK SEVERINO!!!!

[Diamond In The Rough by Airbourne plays across the arena PA and the arena lights dim to darkness before a few solitary gold spotlights flick on shining upon the entranceway where Jack Severino appears and stands with his back to the ring and his arms out to either side of himself ala Chris Jericho before he spins around into a Randy Orton esque "Legend Killer" pose, and drops his arms to either side of himself smirking out at the fans before strutting down to the ring, flexing his physique posing and trash talking as he does so, Jack climbs the ring steps and walks the full length of one side of the ring apron before staring out at the audience then entering the ring through the middle and top ring ropes where he raises his hands out either side of himself approaching the turnbuckle which he climbs up and yells out to the crowd before climbing back down and taking his place in the middle of the ring.]

Vinegar: I must say Jack looks a little distracted in the ring.

Hanson: I’d be distracted to if I was about to crushed and destroyed by GIW’s Monster.

Vinegar: I think it’s more likely to have something to do with Gabrielle.

Dennis: Coming to the ring, weighing in at 385lbs, hailing from Manhattan, NY, by way of Deep Ellum, Texas it is THE MONSTER DREDD!

Vinegar: Something’s happening backstage, Daniel. Let’s see what’s going on.

Hanson: That’s Dredd and Komosube. It looks like Komosube is blocking Dredd’s way to the ring. The two behemoths are just staring each other down. Neither man is backing down here.

Vinegar: Bling and his security crew have gathered around here. Somehow I don’t think they will make a difference if these two giants decide they want to throw down.

Hanson: Komosube has stepped to the side to let Dredd pass, but he is still burning a hole through him with that stare. Dredd is walks past Komosube, and stops and stares right at him and spits at his feet.

Vinegar: Look at the rage intensify in Komosube’s eyes. Dredd is chuckling to himself as he walks through the curtains.

[“Divine” by Korn hits the PA, and the lights in the arena drop out. A single spotlight focuses itself on the entrance way at the top of the ramp and Dredd walks out from behind the curtains into the spotlight. Pyrokinetics explode from the top of the ramp all the way to the ring, and the arena lights rise. Dredd make his way to the ring, with his stare intently focused on his opponent, Diamond Jack Severino. He make his way up the stairs and climbs in over the top rope. All the while, maintaining his vicious stare of Jack.]

DING! DING! DING!

Hanson: An old school lockup from the two giants to start the match. Dredd is using his size advantage to back Jack into the ropes. Dredd pushes Jack off, into the ropes, and whips him across the ring. Jack ducks a clothesline attempt and stops on a dime. He rolls Dredd up from behind.

ONE!

KICKOUT!

Vinegar: Really quick pin attempt there by Jack. Maybe he wants to get to the back to make sure Gabby is ok. Both men are back to their feet and lockup again. Jack gets his body weight under The Monster and pushes him back into the corner. He whips him across the ring. Reversed!

Hanson: Re-reversed!

Vinegar: Dredd crashes into the corner sternum first and Jack rolls him up from behind again.

ONE!

KICKOUT!

Hanson: I don’t think DJS realises that you need more than a roll up to keep a monster like Dredd down.

Vinegar: He might now, Daniel. Both men are back on their feet and Jack is laying into Dredd’s ribs with a plethora of fists. Mr. Money in the Bank wants this match over with here. You can see it. Dredd drives an elbow down in the back of Jack’s head. Jack drops to his knees, he sweeps Dredd’s legs out from under him and drops an elbow into his chest for another quick cover.

ONE!

KICKOUT!

Hanson: The Monster looks like he getting annoyed with Jack’s quick pin attempts. Both men are up and staring across at each other, Dredd bounces back off the ropes and charges at the Blue Eyed Devil. Fireman’s carry by Jack sends Dredd crashing into the canvas. Jack drops to his knees and drives a fist into Dredd’s face. Dredd is covering up from Jack’s fists.

Vinegar: Severino has mounted Dredd with a thesz press and is still pounding away on the big guy. Referee Glenn Burke is pulling DJS off Dredd. DJS and Burke are arguing. Dredd is up on his feet. Dredd clotheslines DJS in the back of the head and leaves Burke pinned in the corner. Burke crumples in a heap as Dredd nails Severino with a short arm clothesline. He holds on and smashes Severino with another clothesline. As Dredd pulls DJS back in for a third time, he lets go and spins smashing him with a back elbow. DJS crashes to the mat.

Hanson: Dredd drops a leg across the throat of DJS and starts grinding his forearm across his eyes. The Monster gets to his feet and picks Jack up with him, he whips him into the ropes and waits for Jack to come back at him…

Vinegar: Big Boot!!

Hanson: Dredd drove that big boot right through DJS. His spin in the air would rival any chinese gymnast, Dredd hit him THAT hard. Dredd climbs to the top rope. NO!!

Vinegar: Dredd tried this move at Infinity. It’s the double stomp off the top rope. Dredd jumps… DJS MOVES!! Thank the lord.

Hanson: What’s Hastings got to do with this match?

Vinegar: Sheesh.

Hanson: Dredd his picked DJS up and has him in position for a DDT. But NO! Jack reaches down and flicks Dredd’s legs out from underneath him. What’s Jack doing?

Vinegar: He’s going for the Jack Lock!! He’s got it locked on.

Hanson: Dredd is struggling. He’s reaching.

Vinegar: That’s got to put a lot of pressure on Dredd’s knees. We know he has problems with them in the past.

Hanson: DREDD TAPS!! DREDD TAPS!!

Vinegar: OH NO!! Burke is still out. Jack has released the hold. If Dredd hadn’t caused that collision earlier we’d have a winner here and Jack knows it.

Hanson: Dredd is struggling to get to his feet. Jack grabs him… Belly to Belly Suplex. WHATANEFFORT by the Diamond in the Rough to get that big man over. Jack is back in control here. Jack has Dredd lock up…

Vinegar: TASTE OF CANVAS DDT!!! Dredd goes down. Jack looks around and sees Glenn Burke still out. He shakes him awake and climbs the turnbuckle…

Hanson: BEST SENTON EVER!!!

Vinegar: DREDD MOVED!! DREDD MOVED!!!

Hanson: Jack crashes into the mat hard. Dredd gingerly gets to his feet and waits for Jack. Dredd runs at the half to his feet Jack Severino nails him with a BRUTAL RISING SPINEBUSTER. He got low and got underneath Jack before driving up and down!

Vinegar: Massive move! Dredd’s holds his knees after that move. Dredd collapses on Jack and covers him.

ONE!

TWO!!

KICKOUT!!

Hanson: Jack gets out of that. He must still be struggling for breath. Dredd gets to his feet and picks Jack up by the head and wraps his massive paw around his throat. He lifts him up…

Vinegar: Looks like Jack is going for the ride… NO!! Jack has kicked Dredd in the guts, causing Dredd to drop him. Jack hits Dredd with a big driving clothesline and goes down to the mat with The Monster. Jack covers and hooks the leg…

ONE!!

TWO!!!

KICKOUT!!

Hanson: Jack slaps the mat. He looks to the back. Jack is too his feet and so is Dredd. Both men turn and SLAM each other with a double clothesline and are both on the mat… Glenn Burke starts the count.

ONE!!

TWO!!

THREE!!

Vinegar: Both men have started stirring

FOUR!!

FIVE!!

SIX!!

Vinegar: Dredd and Jack are on their knees now.

SEVEN!!

EIGHT!!

Vinegar: Both men are to their feet now!!

Hanson: Jack charges at Dredd. Dredd swings his arm, but DJS ducks under neath and bounces off the far ropes. He comes back and Dredd goes for a big boot, but DJS gets underneath it again and comes off the ropes and jumps… CROSS BODY!! Jack hooks the leg!!

ONE!!

TWO!!

Vinegar: Dredd’s got a foot on the rope

THRE-NO!!

Hanson: Jack thinks he’s won. Burke is pointing to Dredd’s foot on the bottom rope. Jack knocks it off and goes for the cover again.

ONE!!

TWO!!

KICKOUT!!

Vinegar: Dredd’s gets his shoulder up there. Jack is furious that this match is still going on. He wants this win so he can to back you can see it in his body language.

Hanson: Jack is dragging Dredd to his feet, he whips Dredd into the corner.

Vinegar: REVERSED!!

Hanson: Dredd follows DJS into the corner and connects with an avalanche. Dredd sits DJS up on the top rope. Dredd climbs onto the second rope. DREDD IS GOING FOR THE CONCRETE PILEDRIVER!!!

Vinegar: NOOOO!! Jack has shoved Dredd off. Jack jumps off the top rope and nails Dredd with a sunset flip. Dredd’s back and head crashes into the mat with an enormous whiplash effect.

ONE!!

TWO!!

THR-!!!

Hanson: Dredd kicked out on sheer instinct there.

Vinegar: Jack is furious and frustrated here. Jack drags the big man to his knees and goes for a kick to the head, but NO!! Dredd grabs Jack’s foot and forces himself up and nails him with a single leg powerbomb!!

Hanson: Dredd picks Jack up and tosses him into the corner. He follows with an avalanche!! He connects!! He Connects!!

Vinegar: Dredd has got DJS on the top rope… Here it comes… CONCRETE PILEDRIVER!!!!

ONE!!

TWO!!!

THREE!!!

Hanson: Yes! Yes! Gabby’s mine!!!

Dennis: Your winner, via pinfall, at a time of 17 minutes 50 seconds, THE MONSTER DREDD!!!

[T-Robosaurus Rex]

Dennis: Ladies and gentlemen, making her return to GIW, to introduce her new album, the nightlife, please welcome, the safe bet, JAZZ!!

Hanson: I thought she was gone for 2-3 months...

Vinegar: No, I said 2-3 WEEKS

Hanson: Oh.

Jasmine gets up onto the stage that is set up to the side of the entrance ramp

Jasmine speaks into the mic

Jasmine: Man it’s good to be back in the Global Arena!

The crowd cheers

Jasmine: this is a cover, and is the first track on my new CD, Nightlife, available only on GIWFNS.com

Jasmine signals the band to start

Jasmine: Looking out a dirty old window,
down below the cars in the city go rushing by,
I sit here alone and I wonder why,
Friday night and everyone's moving.
I can feel the heat but its soothing heading down,
I search for the beat in this dirty town,

Downtown the young ones are going,
Downtown the young ones are growing,

We're the kids in America,
Wo0
We're the kids in America,
Wo0
Everybody live for the music around,

Bright Lights,
The music gets faster,
Look boy don't check on your watch, Not another glance,
I'm not leaving now honey not a chance,
Hot shot give me no problems,
Much later baby you'll be, saying "never mind,"
You know life is cruel,
Life is never kind,

Kind hearts don't make a new story,
Kind hearts don't grab any glory,

We're the kids in America,
Woo
We're the kids in America,
Woo
Everybody live for the music around,

Come closer honey that’s better,
Gotta get a brand new experience feelin right,
Oh, don't try to stop baby hold me tight,
Outside a new day is dawning,
Outside suburbia's crawling, everywhere,
I don't want to go baby,
New York to East California,
There's a new wave coming I warn ya,


We're the kids in America,
Woo
We're the kids in America,
Woo
Everybody live for the music around,
We're the kids in America,
Woo
We're the kids in America,
Woo
Everybody live for the music around.


The crowd cheers and starts chanting “welcome back” as Jazz finishes.

Hanson: Man she has a great voice.

Vinegar: Truth right there, her debut CD, Nightlife is available exclusively from GIWFNS.COM. Alright, folks, let’s jump right back into the action here, you could almost say a de facto rematch from Infinity.

Hanson: Just a moment, Nick, because I have excruciatingly exciting news for everyone.

Vinegar: Where did that thing come from?

Hanson: It was presented to me over the break, Nacho Man. I’ve been petitioning Boss P ever since the season started for a telestrator. Now, behold my John Madden skillZ, yo.

Vinegar: Daniel, that’s an Etch-a-Sketch taped to a VCR.

Blocky letters slowly appear over Nick’s head, connected by lines. A…S…S…H…

Hanson: Dammit, I’m out of room. *sound of sand shaking back and forth

The crowd pops at the opening thumps of “Iron Man”, and spotlights scan the crowd for a sign of Ezekiel Pax. A crudely drawn arrow appears over the crowd right after they find the figure charging through the crowd. As he leaps over the guardrail, the arrow still cuts through the screen. And it’s still there as the view switches to Dennis Mitchell in the middle of the ring.

Vinegar: Daniel?

Hanson: Oops, I was looking for the instruction manual, my bad.

The arrow disappears.

Mitchell: The following contest is scheduled for one fall. Introducing first, from Pittsburg, he is one half of the GIW Tag Team Champions, EZEKIEEEEEEEEEEEEEL PAAAAAX!

The Iron Man tosses his shirt into the crowd as a pot leaf appears next to his head.

Vinegar: I can’t see why Boss P didn’t want to you to have THIS for so long.

Hanson: Look now, Nick, I’m picking his nose.

The lights change, and “The Great Muta Concerto” plays over the loudspeaker after the sounds of a detonating a-bomb. Aragato creeps out of the entrance, kendo stick in hand. He’s closely followed by a robed Komosube.

Vinegar: Bit of a mixed reaction for the arrival of Mr Deathmatch, here in his first solo match since the winter break. I think people are excited to see him again, but War & Peace have certainly been building up momentum lately, so you have to think that Pax is the fan-favorite in this match.

Hanson: *draws sad face over Aragato

Vinegar: Thanks for that insight, Dan.

Mitchell: And his opponent, being accompanied to the ring by Komosube, he hails from Kyoto, Japan. ARRRRAGAAATOOOOO!

Vinegar: I can’t help but think that stick will be coming into play tonight. It’s not a hardcore match, you have to wonder why Aragato is bringing it down in the first place?

Hanson: He knew he couldn’t use the whole strapful, but he still likes to know there’s at least one there, Nick. It’s like his security blanket. Which I will illustrate with this delightful drawing of Linus.

Vinegar: Hazel East calls for the bell, and this match is underway! How’s that picture coming?

Hanson: It’d be coming along better if I wasn’t distracted by these two morons circling each other.

Vinegar: Aragato attempts to make the first move, Pax dives underneath his chop and rebounds off the ropes to nail a flying forearm shot! Aragato quick to regain his footing only to take a dropkick from The Red Eyed Wonder. What’s that mess supposed to be again?

Hanson: That’s his striped shirt, Nick. And that circle by Aragato’s head is his left shoe. Haha, he’s kicking Mr Deathmatch, take that!

Vinegar: Aragato to his feet, Pax sticks a boot to the gut and goes for the Enziguri.

Hanson: That’s old hat to someone like Aragato. He blocks it with a wrist, then chops down that stoner’s leg like it was a wooden plank!

Vinegar: Back up, and now a flurry of kicks to the legs and midsection leading up to a beautiful roundhouse kick.

Hanson: Did you just gay out for Aragato?

Vinegar: Ignoring my partner, Mr Deathmatch picks Pax of the ground to deliver a stiff knee to the ribcage and a downward palm strike sends the young man back to the mat.

Aragato stalks Pax as the words Nick’s BF appear above his head.

Hanson: Your man is moving in on Iron Man as he struggles to his feet. You getting jealous Nick?

Vinegar: Pax recovers with a quick elbow to the face, now jumping up on to the ropes for a springboard dropkick!

Hanson: And then he’s right there to grab your boyfriend for a snap suplex!

Vinegar: The High Flyer giving a quick shout to the fans, and they pop back. Marek shakes his head, he’s been warning Ezekiel to be more focused in the ring. And now you’re drawing a cigarette in his mouth.

Hanson: Um, that’s not a cigarette, square.

Vinegar: Now he comes bounding off the ropes. FORE! The young man is really taking the fight to Mr Deathmatch.

The words Fatty Alert scrawl across the screen

Hanson: Komosube is on the apron, pointing and shouting at Ezekial Pax.

Vinegar: Pax hasn’t noticed, he’s putting Aragato into a painful looking, MMA-style armbar, showing off his often-overlooked mat wrestling skills.

Hanson: Komosube shouting encouragement to his partner as he makes his way toward the ropes.

Vinegar:Referee Hazel East trying to remove him from the apron, but she's focusing on his face, not his feet!

Hanson: The Japanese Powerhouse swings his leg between the ropes and nails Pax in the back, breaking the hold. Know what I call that, Nick?

Vinegar: Cheating?

The words appear. Team Work.

Vinegar: I must admit, you’re pretty good with that thing Daniel.

Hanson: We didn’t have a TV growing up.

Vinegar: Both competitors getting to their feet now, Pax slightly faster than Aragato.

Hanson: The Tokyo Terror is asking for a breather, he has a hand up on Pax’s chest. I know you haven’t been in solo action for awhile, but we haven’t started doing time-outs sir.

Vinegar: OH MY! He wasn’t resting, Daniel, he was attacking. One Inch Punch sends Pax flying to the post!

Hanson: That requires a telestrated replay Nick!

The footage comes back onto the screen in slow motion.

Hanson: Arigato’s hand is right here at Pax’s chest. Now he puts all his force through his body in this direction, and the mixture of momentum, force, and surprise send Pax shooting off like a physics experiment. In this direction.

Vinegar: Back in the present, Mr Deathmatch monkey flips Pax out of the corner. That impressive martial arts display has won him back over some crowd support.

Hanson: That’s right, bah bah, little sheep.

Vinegar: Insulting the crowd, how very Heenan of you. Now a running knee to the face of Pax, it sends the young man rolling across the mat. Aragato stalking right behind.

Hanson: Iron Man rolls onto his feet and pounces back up! High Beam! Followed closely by a DDT!

Vinegar: Now he’s hopping up to the top rope, and flashes the crowd a quick peace sign while he waits for Aragato to stand up. I think he might be going for another High Beam! NO! Aragato counters with a VICIOUS jump kick!

An etch-a-sketch boot, the numeral 2, and a frowny face appear on the screen.

Vinegar: Both men are struggling to their feet, Komosube is back on the apron shouting at Aragato. Mr Deathmatch to his feet first, and he gestures at Komo to leave ringside. He wants the end of the match to be clean.

Hanson: Dumb move but okay. The Big Man respects his wish and heads that way.

Vinegar: Now Aragato goes to pick up Pax, small package! 1 2 3!

Hanson: What the hell! I haven't seen a small package win a match since 1993, Nick!

Vinegar: I know, isn't it refreshing to see somebody kick it old school?

Hanson: Never say anything kicks anything else old school ever again. That was disturbing.

Mitchell: Your winner, EZEKIAAAAAAL PAAAAX!

Hanson: Pax celebrating his win on the corner, but he's taken his eyes off Aragato! The Tokyo Terror has retrieved his kendo stick! Things are about to get good in here, Nick!

Vinegar: Pax hops down and comes face to face with a now-armed Aragato! Tense moment here...and the two nod at each other. Aragato leaves the ring, looks like they agreed to continue this at Affirmitive Action!

Hanson: Aw man.

The words Anti-Climax appear on the screen.

Vinegar: Aw, get over yourself.

[T-Robosaurus Rex]

The scene reopens and the GIW Unified Global Champion Travis Roberts appears on screen. He is sitting in his locker room, sprawled across his leather sofa, smoking one of his pre-rolled delicacies and has just finished watching Ezekiel Pax’s victorious encounter against Aragato. Suddenly his locker room door bursts open, and the cunky frame of Tate Levene comes rolling in on his skateboard, loses control, ends up smashing into the side of the sofa, does a somersault over it, and lands directly in Travis’ lap causing ‘The Headliner’ to drop his smoke. He then pushes the obese child to the floor, and gives him the look that says, ‘Explain!’

Tate – Dude...that was GNARLY! I’ve never done a full front flip in my life...what’s wrong?

Travis – ‘Oh, who knows, what could possibly be wrong? Travis Roberts was sitting here watching another edition of Sentinel, which was vastly improved by the smoking of a pre-rolled, and in honesty ‘The Blessed One’ was quite content. Then your body mass came through the door at speeds that should be against the laws of physics for a youngster your size, toppled over ‘The TWiSTeD Icons’ couch and landed directly in ‘The Blessed Ones’ crotch...displacing said pre-rolled...’

Tate – ‘Why don’t you just pick it up?’

Travis – ‘Smoke something that has been on this floor? You are quite clearly insane. This is the official Locker Room of the GIW Unified Global Champion, and before that the Global Heavyweight Champion. Have you any idea the people that have inhabited this room...Alex Kiseragi, Lord Deathman, Brandon Brown...Komosube...how can ‘The Blessed One’ trust the hygiene...no, no, Travis Roberts will just have to roll another...and that’ll be taken off your allowance...wages, ‘The Blessed One’ meant wages....’

Tate – ‘Dude, there’s no need to act like a Mongo about it, I was just excited that’s all...I got your special guest referee’s shirt for tonight...look I even got the old TFC logo stitched onto the breast...’

Tate indeed holds up a black and white striped referee’s shirt, with the dragon wrapping itself around the Yin-Yan on the breast. He beams with pride as he holds it up for Travis’ inspection.

Travis – ‘Why the hell did you do that? What could have possibly possessed you to do something so...window licking good?’

Tate – ‘Oh I get it...you’re still throwing a fit over having to watch BoolZ and A-Kis fight over what is rightfully yours, the TFC Title...I thought you and that shrink made some progress.’

Travis – ‘What? That visit had nothing to do with TFC, Stanley actually wanted ‘The Headliners’ advice on where to invest some shares...and for the record Travis Roberts couldn’t give a pile of monkey scrotums what happens to that worthless bit of tin, if A-Kis and Randy boolzian want to knock seven shades of shit out of one another over something as pointless ‘The Headliner’ isn’t going to go out of his way to stop them...in fact...’

Tate – ‘Honestly dude, do you know how many people would love to be in your situation, it’s Gnarly man, you should be honoured....’

Travis – ‘’The Blessed One’ will stop you right there wide boy, as Travis Roberts isn’t listening to a damn word you are uttering...’The Headliner’ is focused on his own train of thought. Obviously someone, probably that oily duck, thought Travis Roberts would have a problem watching his two recent rivals battle over his old belt. What they didn’t take into account is what it makes Alex and Randy look like...two small children fighting over their cool older brothers hand me down clothing....both men are so desperate to emulate the legendary status of ‘The TWiSTeD Guerrilla’ they’ve taken to squabbling over a title that only means anything because Travis Roberts once held it...it’s quite pathetic really....and only highlights how far from ‘The Headliners’ league they both are...’the Most influential Icon in Sports Entertainment this Millenia’ being the official will only further emphasise the point... sure they’d benefit from the exposure of being associated with ‘Travis Roberts’

Tate – ‘So you’re not annoyed?’

Travis – ‘No...’The Headliner’ is inspired...Travis Roberts is going to do something selfless...he’s going to reward BoolZ and Kiseragi by ensuring they look good tonight...in fact that shirt probably needs some alterations...’

With that the scene fades out and we are transported back to ringside.

Vinegar: Are you ready for this one partner? It’s the first defence of the new GIW.com title.

Hanson: And the in-ring return of the Lord Chief Nigga.

Vinegar: Yeah that too.

Immortal starts to play and the fans boo loudly as Donovan Hastings walks out. He smiles broadly, basking in what he seems to perceive as adoration.

Dennis: The following contest is scheduled for one fall and is for the GIW.com championship. Introducing first the challenger, from Hartford, Connecticut. Weighting in at 230lbs. Donovaaaaaan Hastiiiiiiiiings!!!

Hanson: Hey, introduce him properly moron. What? Did he just flip me off?

Vinegar: He sure did.

Hanson: The Lord Chief shall hear of this.

As Hastings reaches the ring the lights dim and a single spotlight focuses on the top of the ramp. The now familiar herald to the Auteur walks out will his clapboard.

Guy: Action!

Pyros go off as I Turn My Camera On, starts to play. The Auteur and his entourage start to slowly make their way towards the ring, Moss proudly showing his new belt to everyone on the way and filming their responses on his camera.

Dennis: And introducing the Champion! From Hollywood, California, weighing in at 180lbs, The Auteur, Moss Edwaaaaaaaards!!!

Moss eventually gets to the ring and his entourage depart. Across the ring Owen Peterson seems to have been receiving a lecture on what he’s supposed to do during the match from Hastings. The referee sees Edwards removing the belt and uses it as an excuse to escape, rushing over to take it and holds it up in the middle of the ring.

Hanson: He’d better do his job properly tonight.

Vinegar: Owen Peterson is a professional. He always does his job.

Hanson: Well let’s hope he does it better than last week. The Lord Chief can’t help him in his own match.
Vinegar: Something tells me he’s going to try though.

Ding! Ding!

Vinegar: That’s the bell and this one is underway. These two circling one another. Hastings shoots for the double leg takedown, great counter though as Moss calmly front handsprings out of it.

Hanson: Wasn’t that great.

Vinegar: Hastings looks a little frustrated as they start to circle again. He goes for the arm wrench this time. Countered again by the Auteur, rolling out of it, kips back up to his feet and pulls him over with an arm drag.

Hanson: Peterson, do something about this!

Vinegar: Like what?

Hanson: I don’t know, anything. He should just do his job.

Vinegar: It’s going to be a long match.

Hanson: No way, The Lord Chief will have this done in moments.

Vinegar: That’s not what I…never mind. Hastings trying to take the Auteur down again with a fireman’s carry this time, but again Edwards twists out of it and delivers a crushing kick to the spine.

Moss uses his finger view finder to take a close up of Hastings face as it screws up with pain from the last shot. He backs off as Hastings gets back up.

Vinegar: The Lord of Pain clearly mad at this early lack of success, offering up a test of strength now.

Hanson: Yeah, let’s see film club escape this one.

Vinegar: Moss Edwards accepts the challenge, he may be regretting it though as Hastings slowly drives him down into the mat.

Hanson: Yeah, that’s what I’m talking about.

Vinegar: And countered again, Edwards with the monkey flip, tosses Hastings over his head and kips back to his feet again.

Hanson: Dammit!
Vinegar: Oh I think he’s had enough now. Big running clothesline just cleaned Moss’s clock. On the mat, he might be looking for the Hands of Fate. No Moss manages to get to the ropes.

Hanson: The Lord Chief having a word with Peterson. Rightly so, he should have stopped that.

Vinegar: Why?

Hanson: Because…uh…

Vinegar: Well I don’t know about the people back home but I’m convinced. Both men back to their feet, Moss still looks like he’s shaking out some cobwebs from that clothesline. Hastings taking advantage, Irish whip and a high hip toss on the return. Down to the mat again but the Auteur scrambles to the ropes again.

Hanson: He let that slide again. This is atrocious.

Vinegar: Your lack of resistance to any form of outside influence is atrocious, this is just a match. Hastings has another word with Peterson about proper refereeing technique then returns to Moss. The Auteur fighting back, rights and lefts to the gut as he pushes himself up.

Hanson: Owen Peterson distracted him! How much worse of a job can he be doing?

Vinegar: Edwards off running but gets put down with a big shoulder block by the Immortal. Hastings off the ropes now, Moss throws himself at his feet, leapfrog, drop toe hold on the third time across. Looking for the Indian death lock but Hastings manages to get to the ropes. Moss should have a word with Peterson about that.

Hanson: Why?

Vinegar: Just because.

Hanson: That’s hardly a valid reason now is it Nick.

Vinegar: Amazing. Unlike Hastings though, Moss not allowing himself to be distracted and pulls Hastings back to his feet and into the middle of the ring, takes him over with a snapmare. Off the ropes and a low running dropkick to the side of the head. Going for the cover.

1!

2!

Vinegar: No, clear kick out by Hastings. Moss picking him back up and pulling him by the head to the corner. Slams him down on the turnbuckle. Following up with those knife edge chops. Backing off, looks like he’s lining something up. Fade out, no Hastings managed to sidestep it.

Hanson: That’s why he’s called the Immortal Lord Chief of Pain.

Vinegar: I thought that was because he has delusions of grandeur. Hastings behind the Auteur now though and a big releasing German suplex throws him half way across the ring.

Hanson: He calls that the Lord Chief Nigga Slam.

Vinegar: You just made that up.

Hanson: Yeah, but he should.

Vinegar: Hastings onto him again, this time managing to get in the grounded headlock. That’s what he’s going to have to do, ground The Auteur to where he can use his superior mat wrestling ability.

Hanson: So he has to do what all big guys have to do against little high flying types.

Vinegar: Yeah.

Hanson: Thanks, because none of us would have got that if you hadn’t told us.

Vinegar: Hastings releases the headlock and pulls Edwards back up. Irish whip and a big spine buster on the return. Cover.

1!

2!

Vinegar: No, just a two count. I think Hastings is telling Peterson how to make the count as well now. He seems to think it should be faster.

Hanson: It should, that was a slow count.

Vinegar: He should probably spend more time worrying what’s going on behind him though. Moss rolls him up.

1!

2!
Vinegar: Another kick out, Hastings going back to tell Peterson how to count. I think he says it should be slower.

Hanson: That was a fast count.

Vinegar: He’s letting The Auteur take advantage again though with a big flying forearm to the back of the head, sends him out through the ropes to the arena floor.

Hanson: That’s the kind of cheap fighting we’ve come to expect from the likes of the Auteur. I hate those back stabbing Hollywood types.

Vinegar: You don’t know any Hollywood types.

Hanson: Of course I do.

Vinegar: She doesn’t count, her names just Holly Wood. She’s from Idaho.

Hanson: *grumble*

Vinegar: Slingshot hurricanrana to the outside by Edwards. Beautifully executed. Rolling him back into the ring, Moss up onto the apron. Tope Atomico, pin.

1!

2!

Vinegar: Kick out by Donovan Hastings. Moss pulling him back to his- Oh! Low blow, blatant low blow by The Lord of Pain.

Hanson: Doesn’t get more painful than that.

Vinegar: Owen Peterson goes to disqualify him but seems to think better of it.

Hanson: Rightly so.

Vinegar: Hastings taking control back after that cheap shot, whips him into the corner. Big clothesline against the turnbuckle. He’s hefting The Auteur onto the top rope now. Looks like he’s going for Inevitability.

Hanson: Hey, here comes Gabrielle! The True Chief Nigga.

Vinegar: I thought Hastings was the true Chief Nigga.

Hanson: I’m so confused.

Vinegar: She just shoved Hastings off the top rope.

Hanson: Disqualify him.

Vinegar: I think Peterson figures it evens out that low blow. That or he doesn’t want to go against Gabrielle. Hastings getting back to his feet but it looks like Moss Edwards has got his wits about him again. Cutting Room! From the top rope. Cover.

1!

2!

3!

Ding! Ding!

Dennis: Here is your winner and still GIW.com Champion. Moss, The Auteur, Edwaaaaards!!!

Hanson: The Lord Chief Nigga was cheated.

Vinegar: No, he was cheating.

Hanson: That’s not the point.

Vinegar: Karma’s a bitch. Next up though is tonight’s main event as Randy Boolzian and Alex Kiseragi finally go head to head in a no holds barred match-up.

Hanson: Oh god.

[T-Robosaurus Rex]

KvK: So, here are the rules…

Backstage, Klaus is talking to some big-titted, half-witted, blonde-haired thing with a beer in his hand, and, one is drawn to the idea, that he may or may not be touching himself beneath the table as his other hand is hidden from view.

KvK: We drink. I finish first, you take off your top. You finish first, it’s best two-out-of-three. Got it?

As Klaus begins to count backwards from three, the confused-looking blonde tentatively lifting her alcohol, Ezekiel Pax walks past Klaus, to the drinks machine that sits beside him. Klaus pauses, letting the woman go ahead and pound her drink, while he gives Pax a suspicious look.

KvK: Sorry, toots. Looks like we’re going to have to do this all over again…

Just then, as Pax lifts his drink and turns to leave, Raenius explodes onto the scene, instantly spearing Pax through the drinks machine, sending broken glass and cans of soda rolling and exploding on the floor. He hammers his right fist into Pax’s head over and over again, viciously.

Raenius: Fuck you!

Still he punches, fast, non-stop.

Raenius: He might take that shit from a runt like you, but I wont! You hear?!

As Raenius punches, the woman with Klaus runs off, calling on security. KvK, now suddenly very bored since the female has left, glances down at a shard of broken glass on the floor. Looking around to see who’s watching, he downs his booze and kicks the glass, sliding it over towards Raenius as he continues to wail on Pax. It hits his leg and he lifts it.

Raenius: Fucking cunt!

His hand comes tearing down, point of the glass aimed directly at Pax’s eye, but a security guard catches his arm just in time and holds him until three more men come to help him, dragging the Resident Evil off the fallen Pax.

Raenius: I’m not finished with you, cuntshit! I’m not fucking finished!

The four security guards drag Raenius away unceremoniously as Klaus looks at the mess on the floor underneath Pax.

KvK: What a fucking drama queen…

He rolls his eyes as he lifts the floozy’s beer, and sinks it. Then we head to ringside.

Vinegar: Alright, folks, it’s time for the main event of the evening. Randy Boolzian taking on Alex Kiseragi for the Twisted Fight Club belt.

Hanson: Whoop-di-doo. A gay ninja taking on a walking burning sensation for a defunct title.

Vinegar: The Red Bull Icon wants to make sure that Kiseragi loses ANY remnants of the unified belt, so he’s taking all the titles that belt stood for.

Hanson: The Dragon already lost the REAL belt, why should he care?

Vinegar: Because BoolZ disrespected him last week, Daniel. Never having HAD any respect in the first place, you may not know what that’s like.

Hanson: I disrespected. Your mom. Last week.

Mitchell: The following match is scheduled for one fall. It will be contested under HARDCOOOOOORE RUUUUUUUULES!

Hanson: Lord Hastings was right, Dennis shouts a lot.

Mitchell: Hanson, I will smack the bitch out of your mouth right now.

Hanson: I don’t even know what that means!

Mitchell: And it is for the TWISTED FIGHT CLUUUUB CHAMPIONSHIP!

Hanson: I can dooooooooo that tooooooo. OUCH! Clock Nigga slapped me!

Mitchell: Thanks for the assist, Vick.

Ace: YEAH Baby! Vick ************* Ace is the new number one ****ing cameo!

The music of Juno Reactor invites a large pop from the crowd. Alex Kiseragi comes down the ramp, no kicks, no splits, carrying the strap with him.

Mitchell: Coming to the ring, weighing in at 198 pounds, he is the Twisted Fight Club Champion, I guess, THE DRAGON! ALEEEEEX KISERAAAAAAGIIIII!

Hanson: The Kung Fu Man does not look very happy, Nick. He usually soaks up all the cameras and cheers. Like a gay sponge.

Vinegar: Any other gay jokes to make, just get them all out now so we can focus on the match?

Hanson: Kiseragay tosses the belt in a gay way to Old Man Hermit, who he probably has a crush on, and stands with his ass to the pole, which is just how he likes it.

The letters G A Y scrawl across the screen, followed by an arrow, but when the camera switches view to the announce table, the arrow is clearly pointing at Daniel.

Vinegar: Dan?

Hanson: What? AHHHH! GAY PANIC!


He shakes the Etch-a-Sketch violently. The can hisses. The lighter clicks.

Mitchell: And his challenger, from Oceanside California, RANDY BOOOOOOLZIIIIIIIIIIAN!

Vinegar: BoolZ making his way down the aisle, not paying much attention to the cheers. Randy has been on a dark path lately, and he’s turned his obsession from Randy Travis to Alex Kiseragi.

Hanson: FoolZ lights up as he steps into the ring. Blows out the smoke and smiles. I have to admit, Nick, I’m slowly growing impressed by EviL BoolZ. In the right light, doesn’t he remind you of Mr Prescott?

Vinegar: I’m going to scoot my chair over a little bit, don’t mind me. The Dragon is yelling something at Boolzian, but all RBI does in response is smile again.

Mitchell: And your special referee, TRAVIS ROBERTS!

The crowd pops.

Mitchell: Sends his regards, and would like to introduce his proxy, TATE LEVENE!

Hanson: Hey, a chubby kid on a skateboard! Wow, that referee shirt doesn’t quite, um, well it doesn’t cover. I didn’t need to see that much pale stomach skin.

Vinegar: I think Travis Roberts has taken this young man under his wing, so to speak.

Hanson: Uh-oh, Fatty needs some brakes! He’s hurtling down the ramp at full speed!

Vinegar: Turning the corner, Tate Levene just crashed into the steel steps! I think our special referee is out cold!

Hanson: The Red Bull Icon takes another drag as he peers down at chubbikens sprawled out on the floor. OH! Kiseragi just nailed a rolling kick to the back of the head, Randy goes over the ropes!

Vinegar: Now the Dragon comes sliding under the ropes, feet first into the face of BoolZ!

Hanson: Now a flurry of rights raining down on his opponent. Come on, you sneak, let the man get up!

Vinegar: It’s a hardcore brawl, Daniel. And BoolZ is throwing his own punches at Dragon’s midsection, but he can’t get the advantage.

Hanson: He grabs Rainbow Ninja’s tights and flapjacks him on the barricade! Now he picks Fatman’s board off the ground.

Vinegar: WHAT A SHOT! Randy just swung that skateboard into Kiseragi’s face, knocking him into the crowd, and now following right behind.

Hanson: All those people now need vaccinations, somebody get Dr. Professor on the phone.

Vinegar: He’s giving Alex the boots!

Strange, squarish-circles appear on the screen.

Vinegar: What the hell are those?

Hanson: Grapes, Nick.

Vinegar: The Dragon is trying to scramble away, RBI gives chase.

The word COWARD appears on the screen as the two superstars make their way through the crowd, Randy delivering occasional kicks to Alex.

Vinegar: They’re near the stairs now, Alex catches Randy’s boot, and sweeps the leg!

Hanson: Cobra Kai!

Vinegar:They both get to their feet, The Dragon lets loose some vicious chops!

Hanson: Wooooo!

Vinegar: Now slamming Randy’s head into the handrail! Where’s the Dragon going now, upstairs?

Hanson: That’s right, run away while your opponent catches his breath, no wonder you never hold on to your titles, coward!

Vinegar: Alex jumps up and runs down the handrail!

Hanson: He just stepped on RBI’s face and does a flip off of it!

The word RUDE appears on the screen.

Hanson: But then he turns back around to take a hard punch to the face! Haha, that was the most tightly closed fist I’ve ever seen!

Vinegar: Now he has hold of Kiseragi, and charges him head first into the barricade!

Hanson: And BoolZ is now doing the Crane? Oh, I was hoping he’d do the kick.

Vinegar: Maybe he should of, Alex knocks him down with a quick kick.

Hanson: FLUIDITY! Randy BoolZ comes right back up and clotheslines Kiseragi over the barricade!

Vinegar: The Red Bull Icon bounces Alex’s head off the post, then off the apron. Alex responds with an overhead kick! Both men are slow to their feet.

Hanson: The Dragon pulls himself up onto the apron, is he running away again?

Vinegar: Boolzian isn’t going to give him the opportunity, Dan. He leaps up there, grabs Kiseragi, leaps back to the floor to deliver the SoberingThoughts right here in front of us.

Hanson: Hey!

BoolZ grabs the Etch-a-Sketch from Hanson’s hands and looks up towards the Tron. The word LOSER appears with an arrow pointing to Alex.

Hanson: Hey again!

Vinegar: Boolzian just slammed The Dragon with the VCR. Oh, looks like a tape popped out. Incoming!

Hanson: OUCH! Nicotine Nigga hit me with a cassette!

Vinegar: Let the record show that I said incoming. Boolzian rolls Kiseragi into the ring, and follows with a steel chair!

Hanson: Hey, look, fatty’s starting to come to on the other side of the ring. Hiya fatty!

Vinegar: The Dragon staggered by a chair shot! Now the chair thrown to the ground.

Hanson: DiscomBoolZalator onto the chair! Now the STD Icon with the cover, Levene crawls into the ring. He calls for the bell! Randy Boolzian is the new TFC Champion! He tells fatty to raise his hand. Shouldn’t the music be playing by now?
Vinegar: Levene’s explaining something to BoolZ. Wait, I just figured it out.

Hanson: Oh crap, me too. Flabby Hawk knocked himself out before he even started the damn match.

Vinegar: An exasperated Boolzian turning back to pin Alex again. The Dragon is already up and flying through the air! YARI KICK! Now sliding the chair across the mat.

Hanson: Don’t pick it up, don’t pick it up, oh he’s picking it up! Dumbass!

Vinegar: Roundhouse kick sends the chair into RBI’s face! BoolZ is stuck against the ropes now, and The Dragon ricochets off the opposite side, he knocks the man over the top with another big flying kick!

Hanson: He’s up on the turnbuckle now, going to leap off at Boolzian! RBI catches him and powerbombs him onto the overturned steps!

Vinegar: Rolling the Dragon back into the ring, now it’s Boolzian who is up onto the top buckle! He could be waiting to hit the Stargazer!

Hanson: He's hesitating, though, and climbing back down?

Vinegar: Maybe BoolZ is realizing the error of his ways, Daniel. Maybe he's realiZing that this war of attrition doesn't have any basis in reality.

Hanson: I think you're giving the Red Bull Icon's powers of self-reflection more credit than they deserve.

Vinegar: Dammit, I hate when you're right. He got down to grab that chair, now he rams it down into the Dragon's throat a few times with a shot to the head for good measure! Now he's gone over to remove the top corner pad!

Hanson: Now I'm torn Nick. On the one hand, FoolZ wrecked my telestrator. On the other hand, he just rammed Kiseragi's head into the exposed steel, which is something I would normally get behind.

Vinegar: Now he's gone over to Old Man Hermit to retrieve the TFC Belt and he's showing it to the bloodied Kiseragi, taunting him to come out of the corner. The Dragon summons the strength he has left and erupts from the corner with a jump kick!

Hanson: RBI deflects the kick with the belt and responds with his own kick to the gut. Now he's flashing the piece sign, see he's not a bad guy.

Vinegar: No, Daniel, that's a sign for two, and he's taking one away. I'm sure you can guess which finger he's leaving up.

Hanson: Haha! That'll show him!

Vinegar: Now a solid shot with that belt!

Hanson: And the cover, this time Fatty Cake's there to count it, 1 2 3!

Vinegar: Like the bird said, there's only one title left for BoolZ to take, we'll see how that pans out next week as we start the march towards Affirmitive Action!

Hanson: We shall overcome, Nicholas! But can The Dragon?

Vinegar: Good question, Daniel, I guess we'll find out next week! Good night everybody!

[T-Robosaurus Rex]

Credits

Raenius & Ezekiel Segment Pt 1
R!

JK vs Chassie vs Tim
DJS

Moss Edwards’ Headshots
Moss

Dredd vs DJS
Dredd

Jazz’s Return
JK

Zeke vs Aragato
Moss

T-Rob & Tate
T-Rob

GIW.com Title Match
A-Kis

Raenius & Zeke Pt 2
R!

Main Event
Moss

Editor
T-Rob