Post by Lord Hastings on Oct 30, 2021 22:02:42 GMT -5
Grey Coppi sits behind a desk, facing the camera.
Coppi: Hello there, and welcome back to Making Coppis. I’m Grey Coppi, and we are continuing our preview of the upcoming Keeper of the Keys event, with our focus shifting to the World Heavyweight Championship Match, which will see Donovan Hastings defending the title against not one but two former champions, Angelica Vaughn and Rogan MacLean. Hastings has made a significant focus of his reign being about proving himself as the greatest World Champion of all time, and given his reign is likely in its greatest peril yet, we thought it was a good time to take on this debate for ourselves. Just who IS the greatest World Champion in UGWC history? Joining me now is our premier analyst and the author of over a thousand articles in his on-going series on the state of Sports Entertainment in the modern era, Dr. Hans Lieberjosch.
Lieberjosch: I already settled this debate in Article 847, but we can rehash it here, sure.
Coppi: Also joining us is a former Creative Director of UGWC, David Damarest.
Damarest: Thank you for having me.
Coppi: And for some reason the color analyst of the long-shuttered Global Impact Wrestling, Daniel Hanson.
Hanson: I’M BACK BITCHES!!!!!
Coppi: Fantastic. Now, before we get into this, let’s talk a bit about what we think makes for a great World Champion. David, let’s start with you.
Damarest: I think it’s very simple. There are twenty-six World Champions in UGWC history, a lot of prominent names to pick from, but who among them has been the most influential? You factor into that their legacy, their ability to move merch, overall impact.
Lieberjosch: So I see we’re just starting with nonsense out the gate. The Astro Creeps are moving merch like nobody’s business, I’d hardly say we’re ready to put them in the same category as the Engine of Chaos or the Syndicate or even the #CoolKids as far as the best stable in history. I’m not picking a World Champion over their t-shirt sales either. As I’ve outlined previously, the conversation starts with dominance. Longevity. The ability to not only win the title, but to keep it.
Damarest: Well of course you’re going to look at things like that, number of reigns and length of reigns. But you also need a consistency in selecting the highest level challengers, and success against those said challengers. I think that’s one of the things to be admired about this current reign, the way that Hastings is challenging people that have been to the top of the mountain, people that he has yet to beat.
Coppi: But is he seeking high level challengers? Yes, these are big names he is targeting, but he’s also being very selective about his timing. Hide Yamazaki was Entertainment Professional of the Year in 2020, but 2021 has been a different story for him, and you can’t ignore the chain of events and circumstances of the match between Hastings and MacLean last month at the Massive Melee.
Damarest: I don’t see how any of that is a negative. Success is success, however you achieve it. You have to be ruthless and you have to use all the resources that are available to you. When I was Creative Director in 2014, Hastings was World Champion for six months, and you could pick on several of those defenses and the manner in which he won as well, but the bottom line is that he continued to endure as champion month after month.
Coppi: Daniel, you’ve been quiet so far. What are your thoughts?
Hanson: I’m just happy you all gave me clean clothes to wear. It’s been awhile.
Coppi: Well I’m sure you’ll have something to say about what we’re ready to unveil, I’m sure you all will. We’ve assembled a team of analysts that have taken a deep dive into UGWC history and found a way to rank the twenty-six World Champions by a number of statistical factors. They have taken into consideration the record of the former champions when they are in one on one matches against each other in high pressure situations, by which we mean matches on Pay-Per-View or for a championship, as well as the number of unique wins they have against each other. We also factored in their record in one on one matches for the World Title, as well as overall record in World Title matches.
Lieberjosch: This is ridiculous. Analytics? Matches aren’t won or lost on paper! We should rank World Champions by their actual time as World Champion!
Coppi: Number of reigns and length of reign played a factor as well.
Damarest: I’m intrigued by this. Show us your list, Grey, let’s see what your team came up with.
Coppi: We’ll be featuring the Top Ten today, so without further delay...
Lieberjosch: Deimos at ten? Really? Your system is already broken.
Damarest: I imagine it speaks more to longevity than anything else.
Coppi: David is exactly right. While 7-14 might not sound impressive initially, those seven wins and six unique wins actually stack up pretty well. Deimos has wins over people that most recent champions like Hide Yamazaki or Lucy Wylde will never have the opportunity to face.
Lieberjosch: I’m just saying I’m already skeptical. Go ahead, continue with your list.
Lieberjosch: Now, hold on, Baal’s only beaten seven people? He beat like six in six weeks leading up to his first World Title shot in 2016.
Coppi: As I said, for this we only counted one on one matches on Pay-Per-View or for championships. Those Synergy matches you’re referring to don’t count, Hastings beating Sarah Lacklan on Chill that time doesn’t count, Conquest Title matches this past year certainly do. We’re focusing on how these people performed when the lights were brightest.
Hanson: Sentinel does see its share of bullshit, it’s true.
Damarest: Synergy.
Hanson: Whatever.
Lieberjosch: Okay, your list can get stuffed now.
Coppi: I take it you disagree with Tyvola being this low.
Lieberjosch: Disagree? I’m ready to revolt. Tyvola was a walking bearded money printer for UGWC, easily the most dominant champion in history. Look at those numbers! The Jackal of Jwar Isle was never beaten with the World Title on the line!
Damarest: True, he had an extremely dominant year, but it was also just one year. That’s not going to compare to people like Hastings or Somers or Zane that had multiple stretches of strong performance over multiple years.
Lieberjosch: Tyvola could beat anybody!
Damarest: We don’t know that. I don’t think Tyvola would have matched up well with somebody like Hide Yamazaki. Tyvola did have trouble at times with Gabby Montgomery, those could be loses if instead of Gabby it was somebody like Eden Morgan or Lucy Wylde.
Coppi: David makes a good point, Hans. We have to evaluate everyone on matches that actually happened, and the truth is that Tyvola has a very small sample size.
Lieberjosch: No, the truth is that Tyvola would be as dominant today as he was ten years ago. Back me up here, Daniel.
Hanson: I actually haven’t watched UGWC in years.
Lieberjosch: What are you even doing here?
Hanson: They said there would be catering backstage.
Coppi: Well there are times when a small sample can carry significant weight. Our next competitor in the rankings only has four unique wins against other World Champions in one on one matches, but those four are some of the biggest names in the industry. Alan Wallace, Donovan Hastings, Sarah Lacklan, and Travis Roberts, an impressive quartet to be sure. Let’s take a look at number seven.
I can’t help but be disappointed, Angie.
This was supposed to be our big moment, you and I. The immortal and iconic Lord of Pain, Donovan Hastings, against the face of the new generation, Angelica Vaughn, for the World Championship. It’s a match-up that would deserve to headline Horizons. It’s the match I wanted to have, needed to have if I’m being honest. If I am to prove myself as superior over this era, you are the name that beyond question needs to be on my list of the conquered.
While we’re on the subject, I’ve not forgotten what happened earlier this year. I’m sure you haven’t. It was a monumental day for you, I’m sure. Not only did you become the first ever Conquest Champion in a match that I was apart of, but we went on to face off again for the title just two weeks later. The first ever meeting one on one between us, and you were the one that had her arm raised. I offer you a golf clap, well deserved.
I made a mistake that night, Angie. I was worried about putting on a good match to entertain the crowd. I wanted to make sure I gave a proper respect to someone who admittedly deserved it, which you do. Most of all, I felt a need to hold back, to pull my punches, and to make sure I didn’t inflict any permanent damage. It’s because of my daughter. Scarlett is an Eden fan, nothing is ever going to change that. But Katie? You walk into their bedroom and there is a big Angelica Vaughn poster on her wall next to her bed. I don’t have a problem with it. I’m the one that hung it there after she asked for it. As far as role models go, she could do far worse.
After all, you’re going to be a World Champion again. I don’t doubt that. I’ll probably even smile when it happens, because my daughter will be happy. It’s just not going to happen this week. This is still my time. I won’t be the World Champion forever, but I still have miles to go. The day will come when my labors come to an end, and the door will be open for you again. I suppose that there is a certain sense in which you should celebrate your own defeat at my hands, as it indirectly brings you one step closer to the day on which you’ll be free to ascend again.
I will do whatever it takes to keep this championship, Angie. This isn’t the Conquest Title. It’s the World Heavyweight Championship. There is no Plan B for me in this case, no other path that I can take. I need to win. I need to beat you. I need to headline Horizons again. Whatever price I need to pay in the ring against you to do it, so be it. The shackles that stayed my hand last time are gone, all of them. I will hold nothing back.
Perhaps you find that terrible, the idea that I would destroy my own child’s hero. This is different. She’s told me it’s okay. She understands. You may be on her wall, Angie, but her father is in her heart.
And the title will remain around my waist.
Coppi: Before we continue with the countdown, we wanted to present to you some thoughts on the subject from one of the greatest Entertainment Professionals in UGWC history, and a former World Champion himself, Travis Roberts.
Hanson: We’re going to hear from the Undisputed Greatest Global Champion in GIW history? This is a banner day indeed!
Coppi: Unfortunately, nobody is aware of the current whereabouts of the Blessed One, and we have been unable to track him down.
Hanson: Blast!
Coppi: However, we were able to find the Headliner on Cameo, where he will answer your questions for a mere $300 a pop.
We are shown a video that appears to be filmed from far too close and is pointed up Travis’ nose.
Roberts: Hello, BlessedFan47! It is certainly an honor for you to hear from me! As for your question, the Blessed One finds the idea that anyone besides the Headliner could be the greatest ever is entirely preposterous.
We go back to the studio.
Hanson: ...is that it?
Coppi: Well it may be worth noting that this was apparently the first video the account has sent out, and the account has existed for about six months.
Lieberjosch: Can we move on, please?
Damarest: Now, I’m curious about something.
Coppi: What’s that?
Damarest: Entertainment Professionals who have not been the World Champion themselves, do we have metrics on how they performed against this group?
Coppi: It’s certainly a good question. Ragdoll just ran off three wins in a row. Maggie Lockheart has the record for unique wins under the same circumstances, she’s got five. There’s a group that all have four, Dave Rydell, Chaos, Tempest, and the person who has the most overall wins over World Champions, that would be Alex Kiseragi.
Hanson: DRRRRRRRRAGONNNNNNNNNNNNN!!!!
The other three all stare at him.
Hanson: I mean-
Damarest: Wait a second.
Damarest reaches over and pulls Hanson’s face off, revealed the familiar towel wrapped around the head of Covert Jay.
Lieberjosch: You’re kidding me.
Covert Jay: Happy Halloween?
They all stare at him.
Covert Jay: HUTTAH!!!
Jay throws down a smoke pellet and disappears. The others wave the smoke off.
Coppi: Moving on...
Coppi: I think it’s worth pointing out here that Eden’s 9-12 record in World Title matches includes six times that she advanced to the finals of the Outlast Tournament but obviously she has never won the final match.
Lieberjosch: So what you’re saying is that she is 9-6 in World Title matches that aren’t complete crapshoots.
Coppi: It does merit mentioning that Outlast final losses have a significant impact on the records of several people, Lucy Wylde has been in five finals, Donovan Hastings in four, both having never won it, but nevertheless the Outlast Final is a match for the World Title.
Lieberjosch: Still a crapshoot.
Coppi: Speaking of crapshoots, joining us now to give us his thoughts on our list is none other than the Grumpy Cat of Professional Wrestling himself, Johnny Hitmaker. Johnny, thank you for joining us.
Johnny Hitmaker appears via split-screen.
Johnny: Well let me begin by making one thing perfectly clear! Hans is completely right when he says this list is pure poppycock!
Lieberjosch: Thank you!
Johnny: You have Angie at #7? Ridiculous. Angie is going to wipe the floor with Rogan and that miscreant World Champion this week, and when she starts her third reign you can all move her up where she belongs.
Lieberjosch: And Johnny’s lost the plot.
Johnny: AND! ANOTHER! THING!! Never let it be said that I don’t give credit where it’s due. Angie at seven is shameful, but I notice you’re up to four and you haven’t gotten to Hide yet, so obviously it’s not a complete waste.
Coppi: Actually, Johnny, Hide isn’t in the top ten.
Johnny: You have him at eleven!?!?!
Coppi: I’ve got the full list of all twenty-six in front of me, and he’s actually number fourteen.
Johnny simply stares blankly, his mouth hanging open.
Coppi: Johnny? Still with us?
Johnny begins to tremble, turning a shade of red, before his feed cuts off.
Coppi: It appears we’ve lost Johnny, but we’ll continue on with the Entertainment Professional ranked number four.
Jet Somers and I have more in common than I generally care to admit. We were Cooperative Champions together. Main evented two Horizons together. And we’ve both beaten Rogan MacLean one on one for the World Title, coincidentally the only two singles matches Rogan’s ever had for the championship.
That’s going to be your claim to fame as a singles competitor, Rogan. “Good people beat me up a lot.”
I’m going to be perfectly honest, I’m disgusted that you’ve been added to this match. You had your chance at the Melee. You lost. Now, I get it, some people think you weren’t given a fair shake. Things got a little...chaotic, I’d agree with you there. But isn’t that your claim to fame? That you were able to thread the needle of chaos and mayhem and wield it to your benefit? I don’t consider what happened to you at the Massive Melee to be unfair, not by a long shot. I consider it poetic justice. I think you got exactly what you deserved.
What you don’t deserve, what I don’t deserve, is for you to be added to this match and for it to become a triple threat. I’m the World Heavyweight Champion and that means that everything UGWC is ultimately about me. This reign, everything that I’m doing, is about proving that I am the best ever. I went to WrestleStock and beat Gabriel Baal one on one to win this title. I stepped inside the Dragon’s Cave and beat Hide Yamazaki one on one. I beat YOU one on one at the Massive Melee, and at Keeper of the Keys I was supposed to beat Angelica Vaughn…one on one. I am conducting an opus, Rogan, a perfect symphony, and you are disrupting it. I’ve been checking names off a list, and yours was already crossed off. Being inserted into this, ruining what I’ve had planned, this is unacceptable, and I will punish you for it. I’m going to decimate you, one piece at a time.
You and your partner call yourselves Numinous Fate. If there is indeed any divine presence in UGWC, and if there is any fate or destiny that is blessed by it, it is unquestionably mine. I am the alpha and the omega, the embodiment of destiny, and the orchestrator of the greatest legacy possible.
Stay out of my way.
Lieberjosch: Now hold on, Roberts is great and all, but he’s got just the one reign too. Yes, it was one of the best ever, but how does he get to be number three and Tyvola was down at eight?
Damarest: Simply put, because there is more to his career than one good year. Yes, Travis Roberts has only been the World Champion once, but he has a detailed resume of big wins in multiple eras of UGWC history. That’s what this entire top half of the countdown has had in common, consistency of performance over long periods of time.
Coppi: Two left, I think we all are probably pretty confident of who is left, let’s not delay any longer!
Coppi: Which brings us to the end of our countdown, and really no mystery as to who it is. In fact, a single and certainly appropriate word comes to mind.
Damarest: I certainly can’t argue with it. He’s got it all, longevity, dominance, a willingness to do whatever it takes to win. He’s my #1.
Lieberjosch: I’m inclined to agree. And I’ll say it now, he’s going to get the job done this week and he’ll be headlining Horizons again.
Coppi: He’s beaten more of the other World Champions that anyone else, and a legacy that is sure to stand the test of time. Ladies and gentlemen, the debate is settled, here is the greatest of the UGWC World Champions...
Donovan sits on his couch in his home, with his daughter Katie snuggled against him. Scarlett sits on the other end of the couch, playing a video game.
Katie and Donovan are watching the Countdown special on a tablet. Donovan has just been announced as #1. Katie looks up at her father with a smile on her face.
Katie: Inevitable.
Coppi: Hello there, and welcome back to Making Coppis. I’m Grey Coppi, and we are continuing our preview of the upcoming Keeper of the Keys event, with our focus shifting to the World Heavyweight Championship Match, which will see Donovan Hastings defending the title against not one but two former champions, Angelica Vaughn and Rogan MacLean. Hastings has made a significant focus of his reign being about proving himself as the greatest World Champion of all time, and given his reign is likely in its greatest peril yet, we thought it was a good time to take on this debate for ourselves. Just who IS the greatest World Champion in UGWC history? Joining me now is our premier analyst and the author of over a thousand articles in his on-going series on the state of Sports Entertainment in the modern era, Dr. Hans Lieberjosch.
Lieberjosch: I already settled this debate in Article 847, but we can rehash it here, sure.
Coppi: Also joining us is a former Creative Director of UGWC, David Damarest.
Damarest: Thank you for having me.
Coppi: And for some reason the color analyst of the long-shuttered Global Impact Wrestling, Daniel Hanson.
Hanson: I’M BACK BITCHES!!!!!
Coppi: Fantastic. Now, before we get into this, let’s talk a bit about what we think makes for a great World Champion. David, let’s start with you.
Damarest: I think it’s very simple. There are twenty-six World Champions in UGWC history, a lot of prominent names to pick from, but who among them has been the most influential? You factor into that their legacy, their ability to move merch, overall impact.
Lieberjosch: So I see we’re just starting with nonsense out the gate. The Astro Creeps are moving merch like nobody’s business, I’d hardly say we’re ready to put them in the same category as the Engine of Chaos or the Syndicate or even the #CoolKids as far as the best stable in history. I’m not picking a World Champion over their t-shirt sales either. As I’ve outlined previously, the conversation starts with dominance. Longevity. The ability to not only win the title, but to keep it.
Damarest: Well of course you’re going to look at things like that, number of reigns and length of reigns. But you also need a consistency in selecting the highest level challengers, and success against those said challengers. I think that’s one of the things to be admired about this current reign, the way that Hastings is challenging people that have been to the top of the mountain, people that he has yet to beat.
Coppi: But is he seeking high level challengers? Yes, these are big names he is targeting, but he’s also being very selective about his timing. Hide Yamazaki was Entertainment Professional of the Year in 2020, but 2021 has been a different story for him, and you can’t ignore the chain of events and circumstances of the match between Hastings and MacLean last month at the Massive Melee.
Damarest: I don’t see how any of that is a negative. Success is success, however you achieve it. You have to be ruthless and you have to use all the resources that are available to you. When I was Creative Director in 2014, Hastings was World Champion for six months, and you could pick on several of those defenses and the manner in which he won as well, but the bottom line is that he continued to endure as champion month after month.
Coppi: Daniel, you’ve been quiet so far. What are your thoughts?
Hanson: I’m just happy you all gave me clean clothes to wear. It’s been awhile.
Coppi: Well I’m sure you’ll have something to say about what we’re ready to unveil, I’m sure you all will. We’ve assembled a team of analysts that have taken a deep dive into UGWC history and found a way to rank the twenty-six World Champions by a number of statistical factors. They have taken into consideration the record of the former champions when they are in one on one matches against each other in high pressure situations, by which we mean matches on Pay-Per-View or for a championship, as well as the number of unique wins they have against each other. We also factored in their record in one on one matches for the World Title, as well as overall record in World Title matches.
Lieberjosch: This is ridiculous. Analytics? Matches aren’t won or lost on paper! We should rank World Champions by their actual time as World Champion!
Coppi: Number of reigns and length of reign played a factor as well.
Damarest: I’m intrigued by this. Show us your list, Grey, let’s see what your team came up with.
Coppi: We’ll be featuring the Top Ten today, so without further delay...
#10
2 World Title Reigns
196 days as World Champion
7-14 in one on one matches against other World Champions
Has beaten 6 unique World Champions in one on one matches
4-4 in one on one matches for the World Title
5-10 overall in World Title Matches
Phrixus Deimos
2 World Title Reigns
196 days as World Champion
7-14 in one on one matches against other World Champions
Has beaten 6 unique World Champions in one on one matches
4-4 in one on one matches for the World Title
5-10 overall in World Title Matches
Phrixus Deimos
Lieberjosch: Deimos at ten? Really? Your system is already broken.
Damarest: I imagine it speaks more to longevity than anything else.
Coppi: David is exactly right. While 7-14 might not sound impressive initially, those seven wins and six unique wins actually stack up pretty well. Deimos has wins over people that most recent champions like Hide Yamazaki or Lucy Wylde will never have the opportunity to face.
Lieberjosch: I’m just saying I’m already skeptical. Go ahead, continue with your list.
#9
2 World Title Reigns
119 days as World Champion
7-10 in one on one matches against other World Champions
Has beaten 7 unique World Champions in one on one matches
3-4 in one on one matches for the World Title
4-6 overall in World Title Matches
Gabriel Baal
2 World Title Reigns
119 days as World Champion
7-10 in one on one matches against other World Champions
Has beaten 7 unique World Champions in one on one matches
3-4 in one on one matches for the World Title
4-6 overall in World Title Matches
Gabriel Baal
Lieberjosch: Now, hold on, Baal’s only beaten seven people? He beat like six in six weeks leading up to his first World Title shot in 2016.
Coppi: As I said, for this we only counted one on one matches on Pay-Per-View or for championships. Those Synergy matches you’re referring to don’t count, Hastings beating Sarah Lacklan on Chill that time doesn’t count, Conquest Title matches this past year certainly do. We’re focusing on how these people performed when the lights were brightest.
Hanson: Sentinel does see its share of bullshit, it’s true.
Damarest: Synergy.
Hanson: Whatever.
#8
1 World Title Reign
259 days as World Champion
4-0 in one on one matches against other World Champions
Has beaten 4 unique World Champions in one on one matches
5-0 in one on one matches for the World Title
7-0 overall in World Title Matches
Tyvola
1 World Title Reign
259 days as World Champion
4-0 in one on one matches against other World Champions
Has beaten 4 unique World Champions in one on one matches
5-0 in one on one matches for the World Title
7-0 overall in World Title Matches
Tyvola
Lieberjosch: Okay, your list can get stuffed now.
Coppi: I take it you disagree with Tyvola being this low.
Lieberjosch: Disagree? I’m ready to revolt. Tyvola was a walking bearded money printer for UGWC, easily the most dominant champion in history. Look at those numbers! The Jackal of Jwar Isle was never beaten with the World Title on the line!
Damarest: True, he had an extremely dominant year, but it was also just one year. That’s not going to compare to people like Hastings or Somers or Zane that had multiple stretches of strong performance over multiple years.
Lieberjosch: Tyvola could beat anybody!
Damarest: We don’t know that. I don’t think Tyvola would have matched up well with somebody like Hide Yamazaki. Tyvola did have trouble at times with Gabby Montgomery, those could be loses if instead of Gabby it was somebody like Eden Morgan or Lucy Wylde.
Coppi: David makes a good point, Hans. We have to evaluate everyone on matches that actually happened, and the truth is that Tyvola has a very small sample size.
Lieberjosch: No, the truth is that Tyvola would be as dominant today as he was ten years ago. Back me up here, Daniel.
Hanson: I actually haven’t watched UGWC in years.
Lieberjosch: What are you even doing here?
Hanson: They said there would be catering backstage.
Coppi: Well there are times when a small sample can carry significant weight. Our next competitor in the rankings only has four unique wins against other World Champions in one on one matches, but those four are some of the biggest names in the industry. Alan Wallace, Donovan Hastings, Sarah Lacklan, and Travis Roberts, an impressive quartet to be sure. Let’s take a look at number seven.
#7
2 World Title Reigns
280 days as World Champion
6-5 in one on one matches against other World Champions
Has beaten 4 unique World Champions in one on one matches
5-1 in one on one matches for the World Title
6-2 overall in World Title Matches
Angelica Vaughn
2 World Title Reigns
280 days as World Champion
6-5 in one on one matches against other World Champions
Has beaten 4 unique World Champions in one on one matches
5-1 in one on one matches for the World Title
6-2 overall in World Title Matches
Angelica Vaughn
I can’t help but be disappointed, Angie.
This was supposed to be our big moment, you and I. The immortal and iconic Lord of Pain, Donovan Hastings, against the face of the new generation, Angelica Vaughn, for the World Championship. It’s a match-up that would deserve to headline Horizons. It’s the match I wanted to have, needed to have if I’m being honest. If I am to prove myself as superior over this era, you are the name that beyond question needs to be on my list of the conquered.
While we’re on the subject, I’ve not forgotten what happened earlier this year. I’m sure you haven’t. It was a monumental day for you, I’m sure. Not only did you become the first ever Conquest Champion in a match that I was apart of, but we went on to face off again for the title just two weeks later. The first ever meeting one on one between us, and you were the one that had her arm raised. I offer you a golf clap, well deserved.
I made a mistake that night, Angie. I was worried about putting on a good match to entertain the crowd. I wanted to make sure I gave a proper respect to someone who admittedly deserved it, which you do. Most of all, I felt a need to hold back, to pull my punches, and to make sure I didn’t inflict any permanent damage. It’s because of my daughter. Scarlett is an Eden fan, nothing is ever going to change that. But Katie? You walk into their bedroom and there is a big Angelica Vaughn poster on her wall next to her bed. I don’t have a problem with it. I’m the one that hung it there after she asked for it. As far as role models go, she could do far worse.
After all, you’re going to be a World Champion again. I don’t doubt that. I’ll probably even smile when it happens, because my daughter will be happy. It’s just not going to happen this week. This is still my time. I won’t be the World Champion forever, but I still have miles to go. The day will come when my labors come to an end, and the door will be open for you again. I suppose that there is a certain sense in which you should celebrate your own defeat at my hands, as it indirectly brings you one step closer to the day on which you’ll be free to ascend again.
I will do whatever it takes to keep this championship, Angie. This isn’t the Conquest Title. It’s the World Heavyweight Championship. There is no Plan B for me in this case, no other path that I can take. I need to win. I need to beat you. I need to headline Horizons again. Whatever price I need to pay in the ring against you to do it, so be it. The shackles that stayed my hand last time are gone, all of them. I will hold nothing back.
Perhaps you find that terrible, the idea that I would destroy my own child’s hero. This is different. She’s told me it’s okay. She understands. You may be on her wall, Angie, but her father is in her heart.
And the title will remain around my waist.
Coppi: Before we continue with the countdown, we wanted to present to you some thoughts on the subject from one of the greatest Entertainment Professionals in UGWC history, and a former World Champion himself, Travis Roberts.
Hanson: We’re going to hear from the Undisputed Greatest Global Champion in GIW history? This is a banner day indeed!
Coppi: Unfortunately, nobody is aware of the current whereabouts of the Blessed One, and we have been unable to track him down.
Hanson: Blast!
Coppi: However, we were able to find the Headliner on Cameo, where he will answer your questions for a mere $300 a pop.
We are shown a video that appears to be filmed from far too close and is pointed up Travis’ nose.
Roberts: Hello, BlessedFan47! It is certainly an honor for you to hear from me! As for your question, the Blessed One finds the idea that anyone besides the Headliner could be the greatest ever is entirely preposterous.
We go back to the studio.
Hanson: ...is that it?
Coppi: Well it may be worth noting that this was apparently the first video the account has sent out, and the account has existed for about six months.
Lieberjosch: Can we move on, please?
#6
3 World Title Reigns
175 days as World Champion
16-8 in one on one matches against other World Champions
Has beaten 8 unique World Champions in one on one matches
4-4 in one on one matches for the World Title
6-13 overall in World Title Matches
Zane Scott
3 World Title Reigns
175 days as World Champion
16-8 in one on one matches against other World Champions
Has beaten 8 unique World Champions in one on one matches
4-4 in one on one matches for the World Title
6-13 overall in World Title Matches
Zane Scott
Damarest: Now, I’m curious about something.
Coppi: What’s that?
Damarest: Entertainment Professionals who have not been the World Champion themselves, do we have metrics on how they performed against this group?
Coppi: It’s certainly a good question. Ragdoll just ran off three wins in a row. Maggie Lockheart has the record for unique wins under the same circumstances, she’s got five. There’s a group that all have four, Dave Rydell, Chaos, Tempest, and the person who has the most overall wins over World Champions, that would be Alex Kiseragi.
Hanson: DRRRRRRRRAGONNNNNNNNNNNNN!!!!
The other three all stare at him.
Hanson: I mean-
Damarest: Wait a second.
Damarest reaches over and pulls Hanson’s face off, revealed the familiar towel wrapped around the head of Covert Jay.
Lieberjosch: You’re kidding me.
Covert Jay: Happy Halloween?
They all stare at him.
Covert Jay: HUTTAH!!!
Jay throws down a smoke pellet and disappears. The others wave the smoke off.
Coppi: Moving on...
#5
4 World Title Reigns
265 days as World Champion
8-12 in one on one matches against other World Champions
Has beaten 6 unique World Champions in one on one matches
8-4 in one on one matches for the World Title
9-12 overall in World Title Matches
Eden Morgan
4 World Title Reigns
265 days as World Champion
8-12 in one on one matches against other World Champions
Has beaten 6 unique World Champions in one on one matches
8-4 in one on one matches for the World Title
9-12 overall in World Title Matches
Eden Morgan
Coppi: I think it’s worth pointing out here that Eden’s 9-12 record in World Title matches includes six times that she advanced to the finals of the Outlast Tournament but obviously she has never won the final match.
Lieberjosch: So what you’re saying is that she is 9-6 in World Title matches that aren’t complete crapshoots.
Coppi: It does merit mentioning that Outlast final losses have a significant impact on the records of several people, Lucy Wylde has been in five finals, Donovan Hastings in four, both having never won it, but nevertheless the Outlast Final is a match for the World Title.
Lieberjosch: Still a crapshoot.
Coppi: Speaking of crapshoots, joining us now to give us his thoughts on our list is none other than the Grumpy Cat of Professional Wrestling himself, Johnny Hitmaker. Johnny, thank you for joining us.
Johnny Hitmaker appears via split-screen.
Johnny: Well let me begin by making one thing perfectly clear! Hans is completely right when he says this list is pure poppycock!
Lieberjosch: Thank you!
Johnny: You have Angie at #7? Ridiculous. Angie is going to wipe the floor with Rogan and that miscreant World Champion this week, and when she starts her third reign you can all move her up where she belongs.
Lieberjosch: And Johnny’s lost the plot.
Johnny: AND! ANOTHER! THING!! Never let it be said that I don’t give credit where it’s due. Angie at seven is shameful, but I notice you’re up to four and you haven’t gotten to Hide yet, so obviously it’s not a complete waste.
Coppi: Actually, Johnny, Hide isn’t in the top ten.
Johnny: You have him at eleven!?!?!
Coppi: I’ve got the full list of all twenty-six in front of me, and he’s actually number fourteen.
Johnny simply stares blankly, his mouth hanging open.
Coppi: Johnny? Still with us?
Johnny begins to tremble, turning a shade of red, before his feed cuts off.
Coppi: It appears we’ve lost Johnny, but we’ll continue on with the Entertainment Professional ranked number four.
#4
4 World Title Reigns
268 days as World Champion
11-15 in one on one matches against other World Champions
Has beaten 9 unique World Champions in one on one matches
5-7 in one on one matches for the World Title
6-13 overall in World Title Matches
Jet Somers
4 World Title Reigns
268 days as World Champion
11-15 in one on one matches against other World Champions
Has beaten 9 unique World Champions in one on one matches
5-7 in one on one matches for the World Title
6-13 overall in World Title Matches
Jet Somers
Jet Somers and I have more in common than I generally care to admit. We were Cooperative Champions together. Main evented two Horizons together. And we’ve both beaten Rogan MacLean one on one for the World Title, coincidentally the only two singles matches Rogan’s ever had for the championship.
That’s going to be your claim to fame as a singles competitor, Rogan. “Good people beat me up a lot.”
I’m going to be perfectly honest, I’m disgusted that you’ve been added to this match. You had your chance at the Melee. You lost. Now, I get it, some people think you weren’t given a fair shake. Things got a little...chaotic, I’d agree with you there. But isn’t that your claim to fame? That you were able to thread the needle of chaos and mayhem and wield it to your benefit? I don’t consider what happened to you at the Massive Melee to be unfair, not by a long shot. I consider it poetic justice. I think you got exactly what you deserved.
What you don’t deserve, what I don’t deserve, is for you to be added to this match and for it to become a triple threat. I’m the World Heavyweight Champion and that means that everything UGWC is ultimately about me. This reign, everything that I’m doing, is about proving that I am the best ever. I went to WrestleStock and beat Gabriel Baal one on one to win this title. I stepped inside the Dragon’s Cave and beat Hide Yamazaki one on one. I beat YOU one on one at the Massive Melee, and at Keeper of the Keys I was supposed to beat Angelica Vaughn…one on one. I am conducting an opus, Rogan, a perfect symphony, and you are disrupting it. I’ve been checking names off a list, and yours was already crossed off. Being inserted into this, ruining what I’ve had planned, this is unacceptable, and I will punish you for it. I’m going to decimate you, one piece at a time.
You and your partner call yourselves Numinous Fate. If there is indeed any divine presence in UGWC, and if there is any fate or destiny that is blessed by it, it is unquestionably mine. I am the alpha and the omega, the embodiment of destiny, and the orchestrator of the greatest legacy possible.
Stay out of my way.
#3
1 World Title Reign
364 days as World Champion
9-6 in one on one matches against other World Champions
Has beaten 7 unique World Champions in one on one matches
9-1 in one on one matches for the World Title
11-4 overall in World Title Matches
Travis Roberts
1 World Title Reign
364 days as World Champion
9-6 in one on one matches against other World Champions
Has beaten 7 unique World Champions in one on one matches
9-1 in one on one matches for the World Title
11-4 overall in World Title Matches
Travis Roberts
Lieberjosch: Now hold on, Roberts is great and all, but he’s got just the one reign too. Yes, it was one of the best ever, but how does he get to be number three and Tyvola was down at eight?
Damarest: Simply put, because there is more to his career than one good year. Yes, Travis Roberts has only been the World Champion once, but he has a detailed resume of big wins in multiple eras of UGWC history. That’s what this entire top half of the countdown has had in common, consistency of performance over long periods of time.
Coppi: Two left, I think we all are probably pretty confident of who is left, let’s not delay any longer!
#2
3 World Title Reigns
462 days as World Champion
9-9 in one on one matches against other World Champions
Has beaten 9 unique World Champions in one on one matches
8-3 in one on one matches for the World Title
12-7 overall in World Title Matches
Alan Wallace
3 World Title Reigns
462 days as World Champion
9-9 in one on one matches against other World Champions
Has beaten 9 unique World Champions in one on one matches
8-3 in one on one matches for the World Title
12-7 overall in World Title Matches
Alan Wallace
Coppi: Which brings us to the end of our countdown, and really no mystery as to who it is. In fact, a single and certainly appropriate word comes to mind.
Damarest: I certainly can’t argue with it. He’s got it all, longevity, dominance, a willingness to do whatever it takes to win. He’s my #1.
Lieberjosch: I’m inclined to agree. And I’ll say it now, he’s going to get the job done this week and he’ll be headlining Horizons again.
Coppi: He’s beaten more of the other World Champions that anyone else, and a legacy that is sure to stand the test of time. Ladies and gentlemen, the debate is settled, here is the greatest of the UGWC World Champions...
#1
6 World Title Reigns
456 days as World Champion
19-15 in one on one matches against other World Champions
Has beaten 13 unique World Champions in one on one matches
12-7 in one on one matches for the World Title
13-16 overall in World Title Matches
Donovan Hastings
6 World Title Reigns
456 days as World Champion
19-15 in one on one matches against other World Champions
Has beaten 13 unique World Champions in one on one matches
12-7 in one on one matches for the World Title
13-16 overall in World Title Matches
Donovan Hastings
Donovan sits on his couch in his home, with his daughter Katie snuggled against him. Scarlett sits on the other end of the couch, playing a video game.
Katie and Donovan are watching the Countdown special on a tablet. Donovan has just been announced as #1. Katie looks up at her father with a smile on her face.
Katie: Inevitable.