Affirmative Action Results

[T-Robosaurus Rex]

We open not inside the arena but rather on the stoney face of Mr. Abraham Lincoln. Cutting to Moss Edwards taking footage of the famous statue, standing next to his lovely assistant. "Grace, how about we take one of you sitting up on Abe's lap? It'd be saucy."

Grace sipping on one of her beloved slurpies. "I think they tend to discourage that kind of activity, sir."

"Yes, they do." The voice comes from behind the monument. A large black man in a black suit and shades steps forward.

It takes a moment for Moss to recognize the face. "Big B Brown? I thought you were in Indiana."

"A lot of people think a lot of things about Indiana. I hear it's Affirmative Action tonight."

Grace nods. "That's why you're on screen."

"It makes sense for us to meet here, in the monument of the man recognized for freeing the slaves. Without Lincoln, I wouldn't be having awesome secret adventures with exciting celebrities."

Moss, hopefully. "Celebrities? Can you give them my..."

"Sorry. Have to keep things professional."

SLUUUURP. "Don't you love how the man who freed the slaves spends all day staring at a giant white phallus?"

Big B nods thoughtfully. Moss shakes his hand. "Thanks for helping us fulfill our quota, B. Any suggestions for how we should start the show?"

Brown starts to walk back into the shadows but speaks clearly. "Show some clips, establish the stars, and make things actiony and Washingtony. That's what Morgan Freeman would do if HE were directing a cold open."

FLASH CUTS! Space Cadet Tim Kingsley upsetting JK in his debut, JK attacking him with the cricket bat, Kingsley in JK's face as he challenges him to their match

We now see Kingsley nodding solemnly as stares at a space capsule in the Air & Space Museum.

FLASH CUTS! Dredd assaulting Chen, Dredd staring down with Komosube, Komosube smashing the walls in Gabrielle's shower, Dredd talking trash in his bar, Komosube attacking Dredd from behind.

We now see Dredd nursing his trick shoulder as he towers over tourists by the Reflecting Pool.

FLASH CUTS! Moss winning the GIW.Com title, Raenius playing PokerFish backstage, Chassie on the stage after her accident, Chassie and Raenius's Doomsday Hurracarana, Savana challenging Moss during Head Shots

We now see Moss and Grace sitting at a restaurant, sliding a card across the table to a familiar and powerful Black American in a blue suit.

FLASH CUTS! Gabrielle winning Chief Nigga, Hastings and his throne being carried by burly fellows, Gabrielle interfering in Hastings' GIW.Com match, Hastings hitting Crimson Ghost with an Easy Bake oven

We now see Hastings staring down a caveman at the Smithsonian, then walking away smugly as if he has won the contest, followed by Owen Peterson who is carrying an armful of souvenirs.

FLASH CUTS! Marek and Zeke arguing in their apartment, then truimphing over Hiroshima, Chinatsu Chen beating Dredd, Aragato glaring at Pax

We now see Chen standing next to Aragato and Komosube as they salute a Japanese war plane.

FLASH CUTS! Alex Kiseragi nailing Roberts at Infinity, BoolZ interrupting their ladder match the following week, Travis talking to Tate, Tate's hand slapping the mat to declare a BoolZ victory, Alex crashing through a window, Roberts staring through Futile's office window as Tate frolics in a geisha gown.

We now see Kiseragi walking away from the Vietnam Memorial, determination burning in his eyes.

Fade to black. Grace's voice floats overtop of the darkness. "Um, sir? I'm starting to think that was in fact NOT Will Smith."

[T-Robosaurus Rex]

The Verizon Center is filled with the cheers of the capacity crowd and lit by the show-opening pyro display.

Vinegar: It's time, ladies and gentlemen, we've followed the road here, to the nation's capitol, and it is time for GIW Affirmative Action!

Hanson: Are we still allowed to use the n-word at this show, Nick?

Vinegar: Considering that one of our matches is between two people claiming to be the chief n-word of the company, it would be hard to avoid it.

Hanson: Alright my nigga! Let's get this shizzle on the rodizzle!

Vinegar: Oh, what hell have I wrought upon this world?

Mitchell: We don't usually do this, but since we are here, in Washington DC, it is highly appropriate for us to begin tonight's event with the Stars and Stripes! So please rise, as Jasmine Alexandra Kanelis leads us in the singing of our national anthem!

Hanson: Take off your hat, Nick.

Vinegar: I know that!

Jasmine stands at the top of the stage in faded jeans, a denim jacket and a JK t-shirt, microphone in hand. She shyly lifts the mic to her mouth and takes a deep breath.

Hanson: I think she needs me to come up there and hold her hand...

Vinegar: Good idea, I'll stay here and call child services.

Hanson: Why you gotta hate the playa?

Jasmine: Oh say can you see? By the dawn's early light? What so proudly we hailed, at the twilight's last gleaming.

Vinegar: Wow.

Jasmine: Whose broad stripes and bright stars, through the perilous fight, over the ramparts we watched, were so gallantly streaming.

Hanson: *sniff*

Jasmine: And the rocket's red glare, the bombs bursting in air, gave proof through the night, that our flag was still there. Oh say does that Star Spangled Banner yet wave, over the land of the free, and the home of the brave!

Hanson: God bless America, in all it's underage boner candy glory!

Vinegar: That was poignant while still being creepy, Daniel. Good work. Now, we are truly ready for the first match of the evening.

Hanson: And here comes that damn guy in the suit again...haha, nice black eye douche!

Vinegar: I think he's telling Jasmine something, pointing to his throat, his vocal cords apparently got injured when he was attacked last week.

Jasmine: Cyclones are a natural part of our world, but they still pose a threat. Ladies and gentlemen, here in the Verizon Center tonight, this is a CYCLONE WARNING!

The sirens blare as the lights come down.

Hanson: I ever tell you how much I hate this part?

Vinegar: Every week, Dan. You tell me every week.

"Rock You Like a Hurricane" replaces the sirens as the GlobalTron starts to show footage of The Aussie Superstar. Green and yellow lights flicker as the young man confidently steps onto the stage alongside his girlfriend and throws up his hand sign to trigger a blast of pyro. JK and Jazz walk down the aisle hand in hand, interacting with their fans the whole way. Scattered boos can now be heard throughout the crowd. JK hops onto the apron while Jasmine continues to walk over near the timekeeper's table. Seconds later, she backs away from Vick Ace to stand closer to The Old Hermit. JK climbs onto the turnbuckle and soaks in the reactions of the crowd.

Hanson: Hey, we actually let him walk down without talking over it.

Vinegar: It's the pay per view, let him have his glory. The Cyclone is starting to get a bit of a mixed reaction after his violent attack on Tim Kingsley that led to this match tonight.

Hanson: Hey, the guy had a point about eyeballs.

Mitchell: The following match is scheduled for one fall. Introducing first, from Townsville, North Queensland, Australia, weighing in at 229 pounds, The AUSsie SUPERSTAR, JAAAAAAY KAAAAAY!!

The green and yellow lighting changes back to normal, and "Beginning of the End" comes over the speakers. Flames do shoot out, not because Kingsley has truly earned them yet, but this is a pay per view so things have to look extra cool. Tim Kingsley steps out onto the stage and points his prop gun directly at JK in the ring. The corners of the ring explode in sparks, and Kingsley marches down to the ring, saluting the crowd and making threats towards his opponent. He rolls under the ropes and glares at JK before hopping up onto a turnbuckle to play to the crowd some more.

Vinegar: The Space Cadet scored an upset over JK in his first GIW match, apparently the young Australian took it personally, and he made his displeasure known with the use of a barbwired baseball bat.

Hanson: That was a cricket bat, guv'nah!

Mitchell: And his opponent, from Fort Lauderdale, Florida, weighing in at 221 pounds, SPACE CaDET! TIIIIIM KINGSLEEEEY!!

Vinegar: Referee East calling for the bell, and Kingsley hits JK with a flying forearm right off the bat! Leaping onto the young man now with some mounted punches.

Hanson: East pulling him off, and he throws out some boots for good measure. Kingsley has a fire lit under his ass tonight.

Vinegar: He said it himself, he has a mission here in GIW, and feels that JK is ruining his progress.

Hanson: Well, I guess he rolled a twenty for initiative tonight, Nick.

Vinegar: What?

Hanson: Because he thinks he's an alien. So it's like he's playing a game?

Vinegar: Kingsley coming back to grab JK, but the Cyclone hits a chinbuster to reverse the momentum! Now charging in with a knee to the gut!

Hanson: Looks like you failed that saving throw, Space Boy!

Vinegar: Snap suplex puts JK firmly in control of this bout now. Dropping a knee to the face! Both men to their feet, JK throws a hard chop to the chest!


Hanson: Woooo! +2 damage against aliens!

Vinegar: I'm really getting concerned for you, Daniel. Irish whip into the ropes, JK looking for the back drop, but Kingsley reverses it into a tornado DDT!

Hanson: Botched that roll, Puberty Boy!

Vinegar: The Cadet quick to climb out onto the apron, JK standing up, Tim launches off the top rope to deliver a springboard lariat maneuver! Nice air on that attack. Now capitalizing by placing JK in a painful looking chinlock submission. He's wrenching back on the neck with a lot of force, JK will have to find a way out of there quickly.

Hanson: Skill check!

Vinegar: JK getting to his feet, throwing off Kingsley's grip a bit, but Kingsley reaffirms his grip by shoving JK into a side headlock, and puts more pressure on the young man's neck. The Cyclone plants his feet and grips Tim around the waist, Atomic Drop! Nice reversal by the young star. Followed up by a Russian legsweep. Now applying the figure four? That's a little bit out of the ordinary for The Cyclone.

Hanson: He leveled up!

Vinegar: Kingsley quick to reach the ropes, and JK breaks it quickly. But the Cadet looks a little bit thrown off by that move. Now JK with a low dropkick to the knees, and a mule kick to the gut! Rolling over to put his feet up on Kingsley's shoulders and a corkscrew neck takedown! JK really showing some new offense for the pay per view crowd!

Hanson: It's the boss fight, bonus xp!

Vinegar: JK up to the top rope now, going back to the old tricks, he leaps off to deliver the Cane Toad Splash, Kingsley gets the knees up! The Aussie Rebel got the wind knocked out of him! Now it's Kingsley going up to the top...UFO!! Huge impact driving JK into the mat! Hazel East for the count, 1 2, kick out! Close call on that one.

Hanson: Valkyrie needs food badly.

Vinegar: JK takes a big knee strike to the chin as he tries to get back up, the Space Cadet follows up with a running leg drop.

Hanson: Summoner activates Hulk Hogan materia.

Vinegar: Another cover attempt, out at two again. Irish whip into the corner, Kingsley could be preparing to hit the Life on Mars. He's standing on the second turnbuckle, and has JK in position, this could signal the end! He leaps off, JK HELD THE ROPE! The Cyclone swings around back to his feet as Kingsley crashes onto his rear end in shock! He's quick to get up and charges back at JK, running right into a bicycle kick! And now the PELE!

Hanson: Two! Two boots to the head! Ah ah ah!

JK: Category Five!!!!!

Vinegar: He's let the crowd know what's next, and now Kingsley is up on his shoulders! Kingsley throws an elbow to the side of JK's head, he drops down to his feet, ready to hit the DDT, no going for a suplex instead, he has JK vertical! JK twisting his body to use momentum and gravity to his own advantage! He has Kingsley in position for a reverse DDT, Kingsley now twisting HIS body around to the same position! Lifting JK's legs up, could be going for the Emerald Fusion! JK throwing those legs over around Kingsley's neck and powers out of his grasp, pushing the Cadet back down in position for a piledriver! Kingsley standing up, ready a reverse electric chair drop! JK reaches down and grabs the back of Kingsley's legs, the Cadet doesn't seem to know how to turn this around yet. He makes his way toward the corner and grabs the ropes, looks like he's trying to prevent JK from turning this into a sunset flip, that's a good strategy, JK rolls his feet back down onto the post and pushes off with all his strength! Kingsley can't hold on, JK has flipped him upside down, now JK is the one on his feet.....THE EYE OF THE STORM!!!! Here's the pin. 1 2 3!!!!!

Hanson: 2d6x10 gold pieces!

Mitchell: Here is your winner, The Aussie Superstar, J! K!

Jasmine crawls into the ring to hug JK and lift his hand into the air. JK breaks from the celebration to chastise the Space Cadet, who's still on the mat. He lays one more boot to the side of Kingsley's head before hopping onto the post to pose for the crowd.

Vinegar: Both men certainly tried to scout the other, but JK's age betrays his actual in-ring experience, and that gave him the advantage in that final exchange. But the real story may be the Aussie Rebel's growing aggressive streak, we'll have to wait and see where things go from here. And now Tate Levene is on my headset. What? Oh. It's for you, Daniel.

Hanson: You got Hanson. What's that? Yeah, I got handbooks. Maps? Totally. Anybody else? Yeah, tell Tony I'll be there.

Vinegar: This may be a new level of sadness in the ongoing saga of Daniel Hanson.

Hanson: Hey. That's GameMaster Daniel Hanson to you. Bitch.

The Cylone JK : 9

Space Cadet Tim Kingsley : 3

[T-Robosaurus Rex]

The scene opens up in Boss P’s makeshift office in the Verizon Center. Industrial strength air conditioning units fill the room, and dry ice fills the floor around the room. As ever Boss P is sat behind the desk, but perched on the side, in a sleek fvur jacket, sits GIW’s Head of Talent and Corporate Satisfaction, revealing one of her long, sleek legs f through a slit in the jacket.

MJ – ‘So Boss, what are we going to do about Young Randy? It should be clear the kid is certainly an asset to the company, and the Sponsors love his unique style...’

Boss P – ‘WHATS ‘DAT NIGBITCH? DA BOSS IS TRYING TO READ DIS LETTER FROM ‘DA ORGANISATION FO’ FAMILY FIENDLY TV’..’

MJ – ‘MJ was just wondering how we handle Randy, he’s been self destructing of recently, and he is an asset to GIW...’

Boss P – ‘DAT JUNKIE NIGGA? DA BOY CAN BE USEFUL WHEN HE’S NOT SORTING OUT HIS PERSONAL SHIAT DURING MA’ SHOWS...BUT DON’T YOU WORRY YO SKANKY NIGGERINA HEAD ‘BOUT HIM TONIGHT, DAT NIGGA AIN’T GOT NO CHANCE OF RUINING ‘DIS SHO’! HE AIN’T EVEN GONNA GET ACCESS TO DA’ ARENA!’

MJ – ‘Are you sure that’s wise, firstly a BoolZ appearance would help pick up the prestige of what is, in many ways, a poor card without him. And secondly, in MJ’s experience, if you try and stop Randy doing something, he’ll find a way of doing it just to spite you.’

Boss P – ‘DAT BITCH HAS ALREADY BEEN TURNED AWAY FROM ‘DIS ARENA! FIOR ALL ‘DIS PENGUIN CARES, DA JUNKIE NIGGA IS SHOOTING UP ON THE LAWN OF DA WHITE HOUSE...DAMN HONKEY RACISTS...’

MJ – ‘Surely that’s just gonna cause problems next week on Sentinel. The TWiSTeD Heiress only asks because MJ is bound to get questions from our corporate partners...’

Boss P – ‘SHIAT NIGGERINA! DA BOSS HAS PLANS IN PLACE, DON’T YO WORRY, BY ‘DIS TIME NEXT WEEK, DA BOSS IS GONNA HAVE SOME NEW MUSCLE BY HIS SIDE, A NIGGA ‘DAT CAN DO MORE DAMAGE THAN ‘DAT MORONIC POLISH NIGGA!

MJ – ‘Who?’

Boss P – ‘DA BOSS IS WORKING ON DAT SHIT, AND IF DAT SHIAT DON’T WORK, WE’LL JUST FARM ‘DA JUNKIE NIGGA OUT TO ANOTHER FED, LET ‘DEM DEAL WID ‘IZ FUCKED UP NIGGA HEAD’ NOW GET DA FUCK OUT! I GOTTA MAKE A FEW PHONECALLS!’

With that the scene closes and we return to ringside.

Hanson: What was all that about?
Vinegar: I’m sure we’ll find out in good time, anyway, from a lightweight opening match, straight into a true collision of the super heavyweights. I’ve been looking forward to this one for quite some time, one thing’s for sure, this one ain’t gonna be pretty.

Hanson: Of course it’s not, Dredd...Komosube...these guys don’t know the meaning of the word graceful.

Vinegar: it certainly won’t be one for the purists, I can’t see a great deal of technical expertise being displayed tonight, this match has been boiling for quite some time...

Hanson: It’s certainly been the biggest feud of 2009...mainly due to the size of the competitors...

Vinegar: Well it started when GIW returned from its December break, and former Global Heavyweight Champion Komosube returned, and ever since Dredd has been on his back. It seems the match is based on some level of respect...

Hanson: Mixed with a healthy dose of hatred. Dred thinks Komo has been a coward ever since his defeat to Travis Roberts which lost him the Global Heavyweight Championship. The ‘Monster’ got Komosube’s attention when he terrorised the immaculate Chinatsu Chen last month, and despite the Oriental Firecracker winning their battle at Infinity, the intensity surrounding this bout continued to increase.

Vinegar: During the past month, Dredd has been unrelenting in his damning of Komosube, and has justified it all by saying he wants to see the true Komosube, not the imposter Aito Chen.

Hanson: He may end tonight wishing he’d got the imposter...A pissed of Komosube is the last thing any sane man wants to see in the ring. As he learned before his own match a few weeks ago...

Vinegar: They better have reinforced the ring bearing in mind the forces these two guys will produce during this match, otherwise the whole PPV could come to a premature end.

Hanson: I’m more worried that one of these guys causes the others life to come to a premature end, what happens when you hurl two immovable objects towards one another...

Vinegar: Well...nothing...

Hanson: What?

Vinegar: Well Dan, if they’re immovable, you wouldn’t be able to hurl them anywhere...

Hanson: Yeah, but if you could...

Vinegar: They would no longer be Immovable, and therefore the question is redundant.

Hanson: Well that killed the preview hype...

The opening drum roll of ‘Endless Song’ by the Blue Hearts pounds across the Verizon Centre.

Dennis: Ladies and Gentlemen, the following contest is scheduled for one fall, introducing first, weighing in at 409 lbs, from Kyoto Japan, he is The Japanese Powerhouse, KOOOOOOOOMOOOOOOOSUUUUUUUUUBE!

Komosube stands alone on the stage, and pauses underneath the GlobaTron, and looks out across the thousands of fans carefully.

Vinegar: I’ve said it about competitors before, but Komosube really does look focused on tonight’s match.

Hanson: How do you know he’s not just looking for an unguarded twinkie?

Vinegar: I’m willing to risk it.

After taking a few moments on the top of the stage, Komosube throws both arms in the air, and screams above the roars of the crowd.

Komosube: ALL HAIL HIROSHIMA!

The Japanese Powerhouse then strides purposefully towards the ring, glaring at the fans that hurl abuse and compliments his way, screaming the occasional obscenity back at them in Japanese.

Hanson: he should really keep an eye on all that anger, you think he gets his blood pressure regularly monitored? Seriously, he could pop a veign, or have a brain embolism or something if he’s not careful.

Vinegar: All of GIW’s superstars undergo regular physical check ups. Despite the furore in the press regarding violence in GIW, we take every precaution to endure the competitors are in good physical shape.

Hanson: Note that we make no claims regarding their mental health status. That’s their problem.

The opening salvo of drum rolls from KoRn’s ‘Divine’ blast out across the arena just as Komosube enters the ring, just as Dredd appears beneath the GlobaTron. He does not pause or hesitate to acknowledge the fans, but merely makes a direct beeline for the ring.

Dennis: And Introducing his opponent, weighing in at 385lbs, from Deep Ellum, Texas, he is The Monster, DRRRRRRRRREEEEEEEEEDD!!!

Hanson: look ‘The Monster’ has a spring in his step, to be honest I’m not sure I‘ve ever seen him moving so fast...apart from when he falls off something...

Vinegar: ‘The Monster’ is only giving away 24 lbs to the Japanese Powerhouse tonight, and Komo is only 4 inches shorter, I don’t think either of them has faced an opponent quite so close to them in terms of physical attributes here in GIW before...

Hanson: That’s the thing about Freaks of Nature, they’re freakishly rare...otherwise they’d be the norm.

Vinegar: Thanks for that, you thinking of writing a book anytime soon.

Hanson: No. Why?

Vinegar: Well I thought ‘Daniel Hanson points out the Blatantly Obvious’ would be a good title.

Hanson: It’s blatantly obvious Yo Momma rode the Hanson Train all night last night!

Vinegar: How many times...SHE’S DEAD! Must we really go through this every month...

Hanson: Until other people actually realise and stop putting Yo Momma jokes in my mouth, I imagine so.

Vinegar: Dredd has made it to the ring, in what is probably record time for him, and Owen Peterson anticipating a hasty start motions for the bell almost the instant Dredd’s second foot hits the inside of the ring.

Hanson: But both men stand still like statues...

Vinegar: Great bit of description, statues, I don’t know where you get such gems...but they are standing, staring intensely at one another. This match has officially been started, but neither man prepared to move right now.

Hanson: They’re just taking a moment, look at the fire in both sets of eyes...but Komo takes a step forward...and offers his hand out...

Vinegar: Say what ya like about the Angry Fat Man, he’s likes to show respect...

Hanson: Dredd doesn’t look too impressed, he just looks down at Komo’s hand...and then launches a viscious right hand towards the Japanese Powerhouse...

Vinegar: But Komo quickly grabs Dredd’s wrist, stopping the blow in its tracks, turns it into a standing wristlock, and exerts pressure on Dredd’s ageing joints immediately in this match,...and now with his free arm Komo lands a succession of elbows to the face of Dredd...lifts him, and tosses him down to the canvas...

Komosube: ALL HAIL HIROSHIMA!

Hanson: Well he’s certainly taken the first victory, but it’s gonna take more than that to keep Dredd down, and he gets back to his feet, shakes his head clear, and once again goes toe to toe with the Japanese Powerhouse...and smiles...

Vinegar: And Komo smiles right back, before throwing his huge left leg towards Dredd...

Hanson: But it’s ‘The Monsters’ turn to halt the oncoming strike, and he grabs Komo’s thick leg, and holds on, and responds with a barrage of mid kicks to Komo’s midsection, before finally releasing him via a quick Dragon Screw takedown, sending Komo crashing hard to the floor...

Vinegar: But just as with Dredd, Komo is back to his feet in good time, but Dredd isn’t hanging about, and no sooner does Komo get upright is Dredd charging towards him with a Clothesline..

Hanson: That knock’s Komo backwards into the ropes, but as the Powerhouse rebounds, he brings his knee up into Dredd’s midsection, sending ‘The Monster’ staggering back. Komo puts his left hand on Dredd’s shoulder and lands a stinging chop to ‘The Monsters’ chest, and another...

Vinegar: but before he can get another one in Dredd takes hold of the arm on his shoulder, and twists it, and turns behind Komo’s back into a hammerlock...he then slaps the back of Komo’s head, insulting the Japanese Powerhouse as he does so, and he then pushes him towards the ropes once more...as Komo returns he is greeted by the sole of Dredd’s foot in the shape of a big boot...

Hanson: But he doesn’t go down, the impact has sent him staggering and spinning backwards, his knee’s look like they’re about to give out, but the Angry Fat man stays standing...

Vinegar: Dredd grabs him again, and whips him back into the ropes, swings for a clothesline...

Hanson: But Komo manages to duck, keeps running...RUNNING SUPERKICK!

Vinegar: As he returns the Japanese Powerhouse connects with that kick, and it’s Dredd’s turn to stagger and sway...but ‘The Monster’ also refuses to go down...

Hanson: Komo now taking hold of Dredd, and whipping him into the far corner...the Powerhouse stands tall, takes his clenched fists and beats them on his chest, just once, not like a gorilla you understand, I am sure it’s very important that I emphasise that...before charging at Dredd...

Vinegar: Who moves at the last minute, either because of some great reactions or due to your overblown description of Komo’s chest beating...

Hanson: Can you imagine if I hadn’t explained it though? If a certain somebody, who is outshined by chain smoking primates, thought I’d made Komo act like King Kong, he’d be hurling his faeces at his screen...

Vinegar: it’s true, meanwhile back in this reality Dredd has used the ropes to keep balance, and he keeps hold of it as he strikes Komo in the Chest with a number of boots...then takes a few steps back...and charges at Komo...

Hanson: Who, almost predictably at this point, get’s his foot up into Dredd’s face, sending Dredd rocking backwards, and as Komo falls forward and down to one knee, so does the Monster...

Vinegar: Both men take a moment, whilst on one knee to regain some sense of composure, and both men climb back onto their feet...

Hanson: And once again they turn to look at one another, and just stand staring at one another...almost as if their eyeballs are trading their own blows.

Vinegar: But both men know they can’t turn this into a staring contest, and they approach one another and tie up...Dredd with a knee to the midsection...and he heaves Komo up in the air...VERTICAL SUPLE...

Hanson: No, he drops Komo back onto his feet, and lets go of the hold, and clutches at his back...

Hanson: The Japanese Powerhouse winds up with both arms, and brings them crashing down onto the back of ‘The Monster’ who stumbles forward whilst screaming out in pain...

Vinegar: It does seem Dredd may have pulled a muscle somewhere in that move, or trapped a nerve ending or something...and Komo obviously looks to exploit that, and winds up for a second smash, and lowers his arms once more...

Hanson: But despite what must be a sheering pain, Dredd manages to turn whilst almost crouching, and quickly strikes a jab at Komosube’s throat, sending the man from the orient, stumbling backwards himself, clutching at his windpipe...

Vinegar: it may have been a cheap blow, but it was an act of desperation, and has given Dredd the time to stand up straight and try to stretch out his back, before turning his attention back to Komosube...

Hanson: Looks like it’s still causing him some trouble, as he’s lost some of his already lacking pace...but he manages to get to Komo, and starts pounding at the beast with right after left, but Komo comes right back at him with his own barrage of fists, and Komo gains an advantage, forcing Dredd back into the corner...as Dredd leans back against the turnbuckle, he manages to anticipate a throw and grabs Komo’s arm, then launches a blow to Komo’s stomach...then twists Komo’s arm....climbs the turnbuckle...and drops and elbow on Komo’s shoulder whilst still holding that arm...

Vinegar: Komo goes down to one knee, but manages to throw Dredd backwards, and back into the turnbuckle, and once again both these huge men take a moment to get their composure back...

Hanson: It’s all right to say they’re unfit and have just got blown up, people understand. They don’t expect the speedy drama of an A-Kis match with these two guys; it was always gonna be a paced affair...

Vinegar: Well we said from the start this wouldn’t be a technical masterpiece, but it is certainly brutal, neither one of these guys will go down easily...

Hanson: In fact we must have been going for close to fifteen, twenty minutes now, and the only time either guys back has been on the mat was the very first exchanges of the match...

Vinegar: Both men get upright again, and Dredd swings with a short arm clothesline, and sends Komo staggering backwards once more, Dredd slowly follows him, only to be met by a brutal chop across the chest, which sends Dredd back into the ropes...

Hanson: Komo takes a few steps back and then charges at Dredd with a clothesline of his own...

Vinegar: Both men flip right over the top rope, land feet first on the floor, but the momentum of the fall sends them both crashing into the guard rail...

Hanson: Komo stirs first, and grabs Dredd’s hair and drives his face into the metal rail...

Vinegar: The impact causes Dredd to spin, and now he is stretched with his back against the rail, the rail propping him up with his arms outstretched...

Hanson: Komo steps back and sends a running knee at Dredd...

Vinegar: Who moves and possibly saves himself from reconstructive surgery on his back...

Hanson: The guard rail though gets forced a few feet back by the impact of the Japanese Powerhouse, sending fans spilling out of their seats in fear of being crushed; now Dredd grabs Komo’s hair and drives the big man’s skull into the guard rail...

Vinegar: And he does so a second time...

Hanson: But as he attempts a third, Komo fights back with an elbow to Dredd’s midsection, he then forces Dredd’s head onto the guard rail...he doesn’t release...and then sends his opposite elbow crashing down onto the skull of the Ageing Alcoholic ..

Vinegar: Komo releases Dredd, and climbs back in the ring...seems Owen Peterson completely forgot about the count out...

Hanson: I don’t think either man would have forgiven him for ending this on a count out, and these are two men you don’t wnat pissed at you.

Vinegar: As Komo drags himself to an upright position, Dredd halls himself away from the rail...

Hanson: He’s busted open Nick, blood is pouring down his face...

Vinegar: Indeed Dan, but he is still standing, and he rolls back into the ring, Komo graciously standing back, but as soon as Dredd gets to his feet he charges...

Hanson: Dredd manages to dodge, and he turns around and throws a fist at Komo, but the Powerhouse Grabs it, and quickly wraps his arms around Dredd’s midsection...BELLY TO BELLY!

Vinegar: And Dredd is finally down, Komo using the opportunity to make the cover...it’s the first chance he’s had...

1...

2...

Hanson: ‘The Monster’ gets his shoulder up, Komo slaps the mat in frustration and drags Dredd to his knees, only to receive a swift blow to the midsection, and Dredd once again throws him to the corner, and follows him in...KAMIKAZE SMASH!

Vinegar: Komo staggers out of the corner, and ‘The Monster’ catches him on the rebound with a JUMPING, SPINNING DDT!

Hanson: now Dredd makes his first cover...

1...

2...

Vinegar: Komo’s turn to kick out, Dredd looks around at the crowd in frustration, and gets back to his feet, as Komo rolls and gets onto his own knee’s.

Hanson: Dredd wipes his own blood from his eyes, and approaches Komo, but the Japanese Powerhouse grabs hold of Dredd, thrusts a knee into his chest, grabs his head...MICHINOKU DRIVER!

Vinegar: Komo climbs the ropes...BANZAI-SAULT!!! AND THE COVER!

1...

2...

Hanson: NO! Dredd gets his shoulder up again, and Komo rolls off getting to his knee’s, as Dredd rolls to the ropes and pulls himself away from Komosube and towards the corner where he props himself up, and slowly drags himself to his feet...

Vinegar: Komo on his feet, charges at Dredd once more...Dredd though gets his foot up again, Komo rocks backward once more, Dredd throws both hands around Komo’s throat, and lifts him in the air...BROKEN SPEHRE!!!

Hanson: he hits the chokelsam, sit-down power bomb combination...but doesn’t even go for the cover... gets to his feet, climbs to the second rope...LEGDROP! AND THE COVER!

1...

2...



...


Vinegar: Komo kicks out again, that was close though...

Hanson: Dredd sensing a chance though, this match has got to end soon, or one of those guys is just gonna keel over and die...Dredd dragging Komo to his feet again, and forcing him into the corner, where he unleashes a volley of Boxing Punches to the body and head of Komosube...he then whips Komo into the opposite corner..AVALANCHE!

Vinegar: Now Dredd lifts Komo up to the top turnbu...

Hanson: Buckles! Dredd’s back buckles once again under the strain...he was going for the concrete piledriver, but he after the punishment his body has sustained tonight, he couldn’t quite lift Komo’s frame...now Dredd is buckles over in front of Komo...who grabs ‘The Monster’...and unleashes a vicious Headbutt! It sends Dredd back to his knees, and now ‘The Monster’ is clutching his head with one hand and his back with the other...

Vinegar: The match has now swung back to Komo’s advantage, Dredd is almost unable to defend himself at this point, and Komo approaches once more, shoves Dredd’s head between his legs and hoists him into the air...slowly, but he gets him up, ready for a Powerbomb...

Hanson: But Dredd starts to pound down upon Komo’s head, and Komo staggers with Dredd perched on his shoulders, and after a few more volleys stumbles backwards, but as he falls he manages to guillotine Dredd’s neck on the top rope, and both men are now on the floor...

Vinegar: This is the kind of match only these two guys could pull off, it has fulfilled everything the build up to this match promised, but we’re still no nearer to knowing which of the two men will come through this one victorious...

Hanson: I’m still wondering if both will come out without having a cardiac arrest...

Vinegar: they’re hardly Tate Levene...

Hanson: True, how the hell does that kid get up stairs?

Vinegar: it’s one of life’s eternal mysteries, regardless both men have struggled onto their knee’s, Dredd still clutching that back of his, and Komo breathing heavily...Dredd crouching looking at Komo...

Hanson: Komo gets to his feet, but does have enough time to see Dredd smash into him with s spear, taking the Japanese Powerhouse straight back down to the floor...

Vinegar: ‘The Monster’ climbs on top of Komo and unleashes a flurry of punches, one after the other, over and over and over, repeatedly pounding the skull of Komosube...

Hanson: And now Komo has been busted open...and Dredd continues to pound on Komo, until he runs out of steam, and the punches eventually slow, and Komo has a chance to raises his hand to his head, he runs it across his forehead, and and the sight of the blood causes his eyes to narrow, and he grabs Dredd by the shoulders, and forces his own head forward, landing a crashing headbutt to Dredd, and the impact almost reverberates around the arena...

Vinegar: Dredd falls to the floor, beneath the turnbuckles, and Komo climbs to his feet, and slowly places his foot on the bottom rope...

Hanson: And then the other...

Vinegar: he’s now got both feet on the second rope, we know whats coming...but he’s going up further...oh my god...

Hanson: He’s gonna kill Dredd...

Vinegar: Komo squats on the top rope, back to the ring...

Hanson: NO! Dredd reaches up, grabs the second rope, and then finally shakes the top rope...causing Komosube to fall, and straddle the turnbuckle...

Vinegar: Dredd now stands upright, stretches his back and climbs onto the apron, and scales the turnbuckle...wincing in pain with each rope...he puts his right leg over the rope and onto the second rope on the far side, slams Komo with a right hand...places his left leg on the top rop and drags Komo to balance up their...Dredd then rises to his feet...

Hanson: Both men balancing precariously on the top rope now, and it sags with the strain...

Vinegar: Dredd shoves Komo’s Head between his legs....pulls him upwards...

Hanson: And screams in pain as his back gives way...

Vinegar: But with his last ounce of strength he steps forward and falls, stretching his legs out...TOP ROPE PILEDRIVER!!!

Hanson: How?...Just...how?

Vinegar: Dredd used every last ounce of energy to lift Komo and hurl himself off the top rope all in one motion...and now he lies, back arches screaming in pain...but he roll’s and makes the cover...

1...



2...




3!!!!

Dennis: Here is your winner, THE MOOOONSTER, DRRRRRRRRRRRREEEEEEEEEEEEEEED!!!!

Vinegar: Dredd rolls off Komosube, who raises his shoulder half a count too late...

Hanson: both men are staring at the ceiling, neither man looks like the victor...

Vinegar: it’s a cliché but I think the only true winner in this match were the audience, these two guys took it to the very limit...

Hanson: For once I’m not going to argue with you, this match defined the word Brutal. I’d imagine Tate would describe it as gnarly...

Vinegar: Both men are now climbing to their feet slowly, I can’t believe they can get upright, albeit with the aid of the ropes in Dredd’s case, he really has done a number on his back...

Hanson: Oh no!...They’ve locked eyes again...

Vinegar: And almost at the exact same moment they thrust their hands out in a mark of respect, they quickly shake hands before turning their backs on one another...

Hanson: This match must have been an eye opener for the guys out back...

Vinegar: they’ll certainly appreciate the raw power of both these guys...

Hanson: No..no...I mean...how do you follow that?[/i]

Vinegar: I have no idea, but this is Global Impact Wrestling, and Chassie Fear, Andy Savana, Raenius and GIW.Com Champion Moss Edwards are gonna try their hardest next!

Hanson: I call clusterfuck...

’The Monster’ Dredd : 8

Komosube : 4

[T-Robosaurus Rex]

Dennis: The following match is scheduled for one fall, and is a Fatal Four-Way match, for the GIW.com Championship.

Vinegar: Since the GIW.com title was launched the Sentinel after Infinity, Moss Edwards has had an iron grip upon it...

Hanson: Oh come on, he’s had help every step of the way, really he should have done an acceptance speech thanking the likes of Hastings and JK for helping him get this far without dropping it.

Vinegar: That’s one opinion, granted. Others would suggest Moss has just been fortunate, he hasn’t asked for the help, or looked for ways to screw his opponents.

Hanson: Well I still think his title reign is tainted, and I wouldn’t be surprised if one of tonights competitors takes that belt off him...

Vinegar: Who do you think has most chance?

Hanson: Ummmm....well....that’s a difficult question, given all the different variables.

Vinegar: You don’t know who his opponents are do you?

Hanson: It doesn’t matter, he’ll find a way to screw them out of the belt, whoever they are. In fact I wouldn’t be surprised if he’d managed to wangle himself a PPV defense against Gaffney, Marlo’s Ass and Killswitch’s corpse...

Vinegar: You know Dan, we’re meant to be a team, it would be hugely beneficial to our performance if you actually gave a damn about what we do.

Hanson: I do...I just don’t give a damn about whats coming up next, is Gabby in the match?

Vinegar: No...

Hanson: Chinatsu?

Vinegar: No...but Chassie Fear is...

Hanson: Yeeeeeah, that’s the same thing....pffft!

“Cyanide Sweet Tooth Suicide” by Shinedown interrupts our commentators, as the woman herself makes an appearance beneath the Globatron...

Dennis: Introducing first, from an orphanage originally, she is CHAAAAAASIE FEEEEEEAR!!!

Vinegar: This 31 year old came close to taking the GIW.com title not long ago, and will be really hoping she can take home some gold for her daughter...

Hanson: 31...daughter...And you suggested she could be a stand in for Gabby or Chinatsu...you need to get out more Nick...

Vinegar: I think it’s possible you need to be locked in more...

Chassie sprints down to the ring, grabs the top rope and flips herself into the ring and onto the canvas...

“Warmaggedon” blasts across the PA...

Dennis: Introducing next, from Northern Ireland...RAAAAEEEEEEENIUUUUS!!!!

Vinegar: This guy came to GIW with quite a reputation behind him, but has struggled to truly set the world alight in his initial months, but there have been signs recently that the Resident Evil is finally finding his place here in the Global Realm...

Hanson: The dude quite obviously has personal issues, he wrestles behind a mask for gods sake. Obviously having mental problems will help you fit in around the locker room, but surely they will hold you back sometimes.

Vinegar: And in fairness, I have a feeling Raenius doesn’t care too much about winning or losing...

Hanson: He shouldn’t, he’s lost quite a lot...

Vinegar: He was drawn here by Xavier Bryan, I think his main aim has been to make that guy’s life a living hell...

“Bullet With Butterfly Wings’ blasts out across the arena.

Dennis: Introducing next, from Houston, Texas, Andy Savana...

Hanson: What? Where did he come from, why the hell has he got a shot at a GIW title?

Vinegar: Well he was in a segment with Moss last week...

Hanson: So? Big B Brown opened tonights show with the GIW.com Champion, does that mean we can expect to see him in the Unified Global Championship match tonight?

Vinegar: Well that would just be stupid.

Hanson: Exactly! So is letting Savana in a ring again, I hope whomever books these cards has learnt their lesson.

“ I turn my camera on” by Spoon fills the arena, and the fans instantly get to their feet and cheer, more out of frustration of having to watch Andy Savana make his way to the ring.

Dennis: Finally, introducing the GIW.Com Champion, from Hollywood, California, he is The Auteur, MOOOOOOOOOSS EDWAAAAAAARDS!!!

Hanson: Ya think he’s gonna interview the crowd today, it says he does in his profile.

Vinegar: I doubt it, he looks pretty focused, I think he’s determined to get into that ring and prove he can win keep hold of that title on his own, but I suspect it’s gonna be a difficult job, with the two members of The Covenant in there, this is unlikely to be a straight forward fatal four way...

Hanson: Are multi-man matches in GIW ever straight forward?

Vinegar: On occasion they tend to make sense...

Moss gets into the ring and hands the belt to Glenn Burke, who hoists it above his head for the crowd to see exactly what is at stake in tonight match. He then passes the belt out of the ring, and motions for the bell to be rung.

Vinegar: And this one is underway, and immediately Chassie Fear takes Andy Savana down with a flying headscissors, as Moss and Raenius lock up with one another.

Hanson: The Resident Evil gets the upper hand, and manages to get himself behind Moss, still holding Moss’ arm, he then spins him round again, and executes a DDT, sending the Champion crashing to the floor...

Vinegar: Raenius gets to his feet, and he and Fear swap opponents, and Raenius picks up Savana and whips him into the far ring post...

Hanson: Whilst Chassie approaches Moss who is already back on his feet, and swings a high kick at the Champion, but he manages to duck, and hits Chassie with a chop across her front, which sends her stumbling backwards, and then hits a standing dropkick sending Chassie back to the ground, he then turns his attention to the corner...

Vinegar: Where Raenius is unleashing hell on Andy Savana, beating GIW’s Resident Schizo No-Show into a pulp, until Moss pulls him off of Savana, and kicks the Resident Evil square in the stomach doubling the Masked Menace over, he then runs the ropes, and plants that mask, and face behind it into the canvas with a Bulldog...

Hanson: Moss gets up, but is caught from behind by Chassie Fear, who spins Moss and executes an Atomic Drop...now Moss is hopping about in pain before the eyes of Chassie Fear...

Vinegar: The Resident Evil is still on the floor, and he manages to roll up Edwards from behind...

1...

2...

Hanson: Despite the surprise Moss manages to kick out...

Vinegar: And Chassie just stood and watched as the count was made, it certainly looks like the members of the Covenant have indeed come into this with a game plan...

Hanson: Although Moss kicked out he’s in all kinds of trouble as Chassie stomps away on him, and Raenius gets to his feet...

Vinegar: Only for Andy Savana to come flying out of the corner towards his back....

Hanson: But Raenius calmly lifts his elbow, and smashes it backwards, connecting with Savana and sending him down...

Vinegar: Moss though has managed to grab hold of Chassie’s leg and has spun her to the ground, and he gets to his feet, still holding The Dark Rose’s leg, and he drops his own leg down over it...

Hanson: But he isn’t given the chance to get back up himself, as Raenius grabs hold of his hair and pulls him to his feet, and executes a Belly to Back suplex that sends Moss crashing down on the back of his head...

Vinegar: Chassie has pulled Savana up, but puts him right down with a ¾ turn neckbreaker...

Hanson: man, Savana is really getting his ass handed to him tonight isn’t he? Then again, what does he expect when he makes very little contribution to the company...

Vinegar: Moss has made his way to his feet now, and has finally got a rhythm going, sending Raenius reeling backwards with a serious of punches, he then spins himaround, grabs hold of The Resident Evil and hits a spinebuster...

Hanson: Chassie comes charging over, only to be struck down when Moss catches her with a Clothesline, The Auteur turns his attention back to the Resident Evil, who is on his knees, waits for Raenius to get to his feet, grabs him in a STO position...and hits The Flop! And makes the cover...

1...

2...

Vinegar: but Chassie comes to the aid of her partner...what am I saying this is a Four Way match, there are no partners...

Hanson: Could have fooled me...

Vinegar: the Dark Rose pulls Moss up to his feet, but he manages to take both Chassie’s legs from underneath her, and sends GIW’s only known mother straight back onto her back...

Hanson: the Resident Evil though is up and he locks his arms around The Auteur, but Moss manages to break free with a couple of swift elbows to the mask of Raenius...what the hell is that thing made out of?

Vinegar: Moss spins round, whips Raenius to the ropes, and on the return catches him with...The CASTING SESSION!

Hanson: And he has the move synched in...

Vinegar: but of course Chassie is there to break the hold before any significant damage could be done...

Hanson: From the look of Raenius crawling towards the ropes, I imagine enough damage was done in that brief time...

Vinegar: Now Chassie stands back, waiting for Moss to get to his feet, rather than risk being pulled into another counter, as The Auteur gets upright, she grabs him and whips him hard into the corner, and Moss slumps down...Chassie launches herself at him, and connects with a running knee strike to the face, and Moss flops forwards...

Hanson: And Raenius gets to his feet, just as Andy Savana launches another attack, but The Resident Evil Sidesteps the rushing fool, and manages to use his momentum to fling Andy Savana directly through the turnbuckles, and head first into the steel ringpost...

Vinegar: the Resident Evil cocks his head and looks down at what seems to be an unconscious Andy Savana, and turns his attentions back to Moss, who is currently on the end of some mudhole stomping from Chassie...and Raenius walks over and joins in...

Hanson: Moss really has very little chance here doesn’t he? It’s like a tornado tag match, but his partners the quadriplegic...

Vinegar: You know just how to be too offensive don’t you?

Hanson: Who cares? Moss does the sensible things and has managed to roll himself out of the ring, and out of harms way for the moment, as Chassie and Raenius, huddle together in the corner...obviously discussing a new tactic...

Vinegar: they certainly are engrossed in their conversation aren’t they?

Hanson: Indeed, and to the point that neither has seen Moss slide himself back into the ring, and he’s climbed onto the top rope...

Vinegar: Chassie and Raenius finish their conversation and turn back to look inwards, they see Moss on the top rope and start running towards him...

Hanson: But the auteur leaps, somersaults over both, grabbing each opponents neck in each arm, and brings them crashing to the floor...

Vinegar: An incredible manoeuvre by the Auteur, who may have swung the match to his advantage, Raenius is the first to get to his feet, but he is greeted by Moss, who springs onto the second rope, comes off, and hits Dramatic Effect...

Hanson: A stunning backflip mule kick there, sends Raenius to the floor, just as Chassie gets up, still fairly stunned...he leaps onto the second rope again...

Vinegar: CUTTING ROOM...CUTTING ROOM!

1...

2...

Hanson: NO! What the hell is that freak doing, Andy Savana just broke the count...does he really think he has any chance here....he drags Moss to his feet and starts to strike at the GIW.com Champion....as Chassie slowly gets to her feet...

Vinegar: As does Raenius...

Hanson: both members of the Covenant come up behind their opponents...Chassie behind Savana, and Raenius behind Moss...

Vinegar: TWIGHLIGHT! TO SAVANA!

Hanson: RIPPERSNAPPER TO EDWARDS!

Vinegar: Both guys are out cold...but wait...what’s going on?

Hanson: I have no idea...this defy’s all logic and reasoning...

Vinegar: The Resident Evil and Chassie Fear have both just climbed out of the ring, and they are now making their way down the asile...

Hanson: But why?

Vinegar: Who knows, but Moss Edwards has enough about himself to drape his arm across the prone body of Andy Savana...

1...

2...

3!!!

Dennis: Here is your winner, and STIIIIIIIL GIW.COM CHAMPION, THE AUTEUR, MOOOOOOOOSS EDWAAAAAAAAARDS!!!

Vinegar: As Dennis calls out the winner, The Covenant have made it under the GlobaTron, and they raise each other’s arms in victory, as Moss gets to his knees, and is handed the title belt, he stares up the ramp with a look of confusion, that I am sure is shared by millions of people across the world...

Hanson: I doubt this was the way Moss wanted to retain at his first PPV as a Champion...

Vinegar: I have a feeling that that’s exactly why The Covenant did what they just did, are they actually emerging into a more cohesive unit than before...if so GIW could be in some serious trouble...

Hanson: Next up, the unofficial battle to find out who the true Chief Nigga is...

’The Auteur’ Moss Edwards : 4

Raenius : 3

Chassie Fear : 3

Andy Savana : -2

[T-Robosaurus Rex]

Vinegar: You’re watching GIW Affirmative Action from our nations Capital Washington D.C. on Pay Per View. You’ve already seen an incredible show and it’s only going to get better as we go into our fourth match up.

Hanson: Nick, what am I gonna do?

Vinegar: About what?

Hanson: This match.

Vinegar: What about it?

Hanson: It’s Gabby and the Lord Chief.

Vinegar: Oh God…

Hanson: How can I be expected to choose between the love of my life and the most inspirational man in sports entertainment?

Vinegar: You could just hide under the table all match.

Hanson: Hmm…

Vinegar: Or I could replace you with-

Hanson: Stop getting me replaced asshole. No I’m staying.

Vinegar: Dammit.

Envy starts to play and the arena lights turn purple and gold. The fans cheer loudly in anticipation of who they’re going to see. She walks out but seems uninspired to twirl for the crowd. She starts to walk towards the ring, unable to hide the sway of her hips, no matter her mood.

Dennis: The following contest is an I Quit match! Introducing first, from Auckland New Zealand, GIW’s Most Valuable Asset, The Diamond Princess, Gabrieeeeeeeelle!!!

Hanson: Aha! I’ve got it!

Vinegar: A quarter?

Hanson: Fate. *ting*

Vinegar: What was that sound?

Hanson: Me flipping a coin. Weren’t you paying attention?

Vinegar: No, Gabrielle just squatted down to climb between the ropes. I’m surprised you missed it.

Gabrielle’s music cuts out to be replaced by Immortal, heralding the arrival of Donovan Hastings who walks out to enthusiastic booing. He poses, arms spread wide, soaking in what we can only assume he interprets as adulation.

Dennis: And the opponent--what?

Vinegar: Owen Peterson, the referee for this match-

Hanson: And the Lord Chief’s bitch.

Vinegar: Is asking our ring announcer for the microphone.

Peterson: Yo yo yo, listen up niglets. Intoducin’ da Lord Chief Nigga! From da ghetto’s of Hartford Connecticut! Da Lord o’ Pain, Donovaaaaaaaaan Haaaaaaaaastings!!!

Vinegar: I’d be embarrassed for him if he didn’t seem embarrassed enough for himself.

Hanson: That intro was off da chain yo.

Vinegar: Don’t talk like that.

Hastings makes his way down to the ramp, arms spread regally all the way. He climbs into the ring up the steps and waits on the apron until Owen Peterson pushes the top and middle ropes apart for him. He takes his cloak off and passes it to the referee, watching that he folds and stores it in the appropriate manner. Satisfied, he turns to face Gabrielle.

Ding! Ding!

Vinegar: This ones on. The two circling. Can you see the look in Hastings eyes?

Hanson: Yeah it’s…*ting*…Horrifying!

Vinegar: He looks like an animal. First collar and elbow lock up. Gabrielle puts in the side headlock, takes Hastings over.

Hanson: *ting*…..Great move by Gabrielle.

Vinegar: Hastings manages to power out of the old though and gets back to his feet. I don’t think he’s happy.

Hanson: Well he…*ting*…shouldn’t be. That was cheap from Gabrielle.

Vinegar: You just said it was a great-

Hanson: Don’t question fate Nick.

Vinegar: Well, Hastings looking to lock it up again. Gabrielle slips behind and puts in the rear waist lock. Looks like she’s going for a suplex but Hastings drops his weight and she can’t get him up.

Hanson: Don’t be silly. Gabrielle can get anyone ‘up’.

Vinegar: She’s opted to jump on his shoulders instead. Hurricanrana attempt thrown off by Hastings though. Gabrielle lands on her feet ahead of him.

Hanson: Great athleticism by…*ting*…Gabrielle.

Vinegar: I think Hastings wants a test of strength. So noble, matching strength with a 130lbs woman. Even so, Gabrielle’s taking the challenge.

Hanson: She’s so…*ting*…stupid sometimes.

Vinegar: No surprise, Donovan Hastings winning out and forcing Gabrielle to her knees.

Hanson: Giggity.

Vinegar: Gabrielle counters, rolling onto her back-

Hanson: Giggity.

Vinegar: -and tosses Hastings overhead with a monkey flip. Both straight up to their feet. Deep arm drag by Gabrielle. Hastings manages to roll through to his feet but he doesn’t look steady.

Hanson: The Lord of Pain…*ting*…is always steady!

Vinegar: Gabrielle capitalising, Irish whip, but Hastings knocks her down with a shoulder block on the return. Donovan off the ropes and drops a big leg across her throat. He sure seems proud of himself as he poses for the fans again.

Hanson: The Lord Chief has…*ting*…every right to feel proud.

Vinegar: Are you really going to keep that up?
Hanson: *ting*….Yes.

Vinegar: Hastings dragging Gabrielle back to her feet, lifts her up for a big vertical suplex and holds her there upside down. Wow, we’re all really impressed he can do it one armed too.

Hanson: Well I’m certainly…*ting*…not impressed! Stop showing off.

Vinegar: Drops them both back down with a great crash. Hastings is asking Mitchell Dennis at ringside for his microphone.

Hanson: *ting*…Surely he doesn’t think Gabrielle is going to quit already.

Vinegar: He seems to want to check. He’s holding it down to her mouth.

Gabrielle: …

Vinegar: Didn’t think so. Hastings tosses the mic to the side and takes her by the leg. He’s got her rolled over, elevated single leg Boston crab hold. He putting that knee right into her back.

Hanson: Perfectly executed hold by the Lord of Pain.

Vinegar: You didn’t have to toss the coin for that one.

Hanson: Doesn’t matter who’s side I’m on, I can still appreciate a great hold.

Vinegar: Gabrielle manages to squirm out of it. Drags her leg out and Hastings falls into the turnbuckle. She’s hurt though and The Immortal is back on her. Scoop slam. Looks like he wants to lock in a triangle hold but Gabby scrambles out of the ring.

Hanson: Great display of…*ting*…ring smarts by the Caramel Skinned Sexpot.

Vinegar: Hastings climbs out and Gabrielle slides back in. She’s off running, baseball slide catches Hastings in the shoulder. Vaulting body press to the outside takes him off his feet.

Hanson: *ting*…oh bugger.

Vinegar: What?

Hanson: I dropped it.

Vinegar: Typical. That move seems to have given Gabrielle some control of this one, she’s got Hastings by the scruff of the neck and just drove him face first into the ring steps.

Hanson: How could have disappeared, I dropped it right here.

Vinegar: Stiff forearm shots from the Diamond Princess. Irish whip sends Hastings shoulder first into the crowd barriers and Gabrielle putting the boot in.

Hanson: Come on. I’m lost without you.

Vinegar: Gabrielle?

Hanson: My quarter.

Vinegar: Someone in the front row just passed her a chair. She’s waiting for Hastings to get back up and cracks him with that chair. No, the Immortal ducks and Gabby slams it into the top of the barrier. Looks like the shock went right up through her arms.

Hanson: Got it.

Vinegar: Oh joy.

Hanson: What did I miss?

Vinegar: Hastings ducked a chair shot.

Hanson: That’s…*ting*…terrible.

Vinegar: Indeed. Donovan’s got her from the back. Back belly suplex onto the arena floor. He’s grabbed the mic from the edge of the ring again. Is she going to quit?

Gabrielle: Fuck you.

Hanson: That’s the spirit!

Vinegar: You’re siding with Gabrielle finally?

Hanson: I didn’t say who’s spirit. I’m clean.

Vinegar: Well I hope you don’t mean Donovan Hastings who’s just slamming that fist into her forehead. I think he’s trying to open her up.

Hanson: Everyone’s trying to open up the Epitome of Beauty. But generally from below the waist.

Vinegar: Genius. Owen Peterson finally dragging him off her. Doesn’t take long for Hastings to shrug him off though. He dragging her along the ground and resting her up against those ring steps. Lining himself up, oh gosh, a big running knee just spread those steps all over.

Hanson: What a…*ting*…brilliantly brutal move. Gabrielle is on dream street.

Vinegar: This one firmly back in the grasp of the Immortal Donovan Hastings. He’s picking her up like she’s a feather and just hoists her up above his head. Gorilla press and, my god, just threw her back first into the ring post.

Hanson: The Lord Chief…*ting*…is sick…*ting*…in a good way.

Vinegar: He’s got the microphone again and he’s holding it down for her. Oh snap, Gabrielle just spat in his face.

Hanson: I wish she’d spit in my face.

Vinegar: That’s pretty gross.

Hanson: Worth it.

Vinegar: Hastings wipes it away and the look on his face, I think that was a mistake by Gabrielle. He’s looking under the ring, what’s he got? It’s a pipe, a steel pipe.

Hanson: Oh…*ting*…no.

Vinegar: Gabrielle using the ring post to pull herself back up. Hastings swinging that pipe though. Gabrielle with the dodge this time, the pipe cracks into the ring post and looks like Hastings forearms almost broke.

Hanson: That seems very unlikely Nick.

Vinegar: Like you’d know. Gabrielle with an Enziguri to the back of the Lord of Pain’s head. Both competitors on the ground. I don’t know if this ones going to have to be thrown out.

Hanson: They can’t. There has to be a resolution. Someone must win my love.

Vinegar: You seriously think that’s what this is about?

Hanson: What else could it be?

Vinegar: Anything in existence is more likely than that.

Hanson: You’re…*ting*…right.
Vinegar: I know. Both slowly getting back to their feet. Hastings draping himself over the ring apron. Gabrielle’s climbed up into it. Leg drop onto the back of the Immortal’s neck.

Hanson: A…*ting*…great move by my Gabby.

Vinegar: How long are you going to say that?

Hanson: Until she starts believing it.

Vinegar: That long?

Hanson: Believe it.

Vinegar: Hastings has fallen back against the barrier and Gabrielle leaps from the apron. Full front flip and snaps Hastings neck over the metal.

Hanson: She just went over the barrier and was caught by the fans behind.

Vinegar: Caught or opportunistically groped, the effect ends up the same. Gabrielle set back on her feet and telling them to give her some space.

Hanson: Give her some space niglets.

Vinegar: Gabrielle up onto the barrier, moonsault onto the Lord of Pain. The Diamond Princess grabbing the mic this time, is this it?

Hastings: No.

Hanson: That told you.

Vinegar: I guess so. Hastings hanging in there but Gabrielle back in control of this one. She’s got him by the neck again and taking this one towards the entry ramp. Taste of Canvas, well, I guess it’s a Taste of Steel DDT on the ramp.

Hanson: Come on…*ting*…Lord Chief!

Vinegar: Followed up with a vicious curb stomp on the same spot. I’m surprised Donovan Hastings is still conscious after those blows.

Hanson: Of course he’s conscious. He’s the Immortal Lord Chief.

Vinegar: No coin?

Hanson: That was a fact, not an opinion.
Vinegar: I see. Gabrielle’s headed back towards the ring. Look’s like she’s after another weapon under there. What’s she found?

Hanson: It’s a table. Gabby’s bringing tables into this.

Vinegar: She sure is. She’s got it set up against the apron and is heading back to retrieve her opponent. Hastings fighting back but a knee to the gut slows him down. Irish whip…no, Hastings counters. Releasing overhead suplex!

Hanson: Oh!…*ting*…yes!

Vinegar: Gabrielle just went flying upside down through the table and into the side of the ring. She could be seriously injured.

Hanson: Gabby!

Vinegar: You just cheered for Hastings.

Hanson: I still care.

Vinegar: Seems you’re not the only one. That’s Jack Severino at the top of the ramp. I think he’s seen enough. Hastings hasn’t noticed him and he’s locked in the Hands of Fate. Gabrielle’s defenceless.

Hanson: Dammit, get out of here oaf. Your chance has been and gone and come back and gone again.

Vinegar: DJS storming down to the ring and puts the boot into Donovan Hastings to break the hold. Owen Peterson trying to get between them by Severino throws him aside.

Hanson: Why does he have to spoil a fair match?

Vinegar: This wasn’t a match, it was just turning into a brutalising. These two brawling on the outside, exchanging blows one for one. Bling and his Posse are coming down to break this one up.

Hanson: Good.

Vinegar: Jack being forced back up the ramp by half a dozen of Bling’s guards. Oh look out Hastings has retrieved that steel pipe. Whoa, he just ran up the ramp and launched himself over the security to crack that over The Blue Eyed Devil’s head. Severino is down.

Hanson: Yeah Lord Chief!

Vinegar: The guards have scattered and Hastings is going berserk with that pipe. My god somebody stop that man.

Hanson: Like anyone would dare. The Lord Chief rules this place and he’s showing us all why.

Vinegar: He’s got Severino up and walking him down to the ring. Sends him headfirst into the ring post. Look at that gash! That shot bust him wide open.

Hanson: Gabrielle’s back up.

Vinegar: And she just took a baseball style swing to the abdomen. Hastings turns back to Diamond Jack. He’s setting him up against the post.

Hanson: This is going to be good I know it.

Vinegar: I don’t think good is the word. He just crushed Severino’s arm between pipe and post. That arm could be shattered.

Hanson: Yes! Wait…where’s Gabby going?

Vinegar: She’s got the mic…

Gabrielle: I quit.

Vinegar: What?

Hanson: What?

Peterson: What?

Hastings: What?

Gabrielle: I quit just stop hurting him!

Vinegar: Owen Peterson calls for the bell, this ones over.

Ding! Ding!

Vinegar: The Diamond Princess is in tears.

Dennis: Here is your winner, Donovaaaaaaaaaan Hastiiiiiiings!!!

Vinegar: What a brutal scene laid out here. Gabrielle crying as she crawls over to Jack Severino who’s bleeding over the floor and screaming as he clutches that arm.
Hanson: And the Lord Chief stands tall. This was a great victory don’t you think?

Vinegar: I think this was a travesty from the beginning.

Hastings starts walking back up the ramp, telling Peterson to come with him. The referee holds his hand up while The Lord of Pain holds the lead pipe up in his spare hand. The two walk backwards before turning and disappearing to the back while Security and EMT’s rush to help the others at ringside.

Lord Donovan Hastings : 7

Gabrielle: 5

[T-Robosaurus Rex]

The scene opens up in the corridors of the Verizon Arena, and we see the Chubby Little Funster, Tate Levene rolling down the halls, with a Twinkie in hand, he looks down to open the wrapping, but apparently his chubby fingers make it difficult to get purchase on the packaging, and he struggles to break into it. This struggle causes him to veer off course, and he crashes directly into stack of unused Amplifiers, and bounces ditrectly onto his back as the skateboard rolls off.

The Twinkie spills out of Tate’s hands and he flails his arms attempting to grab it, but it goes to high for him. His eyes widen in horror as the Twinkie arches up, but then out of nowhere the stack of amp’s reaches out a hand and grabs the Twinkie...

Amps – People really oughta look where they are going...Hyuk! Hyuk! Hyuk!

The amps disperse and standing above Tate is none other than the Crimson Ghost, standing holding the twinkie in one hand. He looks down at Tate, who’s eyes widen, and face bursts into a smile.

Tate – You’re...You’re...The CRIMSON GHOST!

The Ghost doesn’t react at all and merely looks down at Tate eyes wide open, his mouth flaps up and down, but no words some out. Tate heaves his enormous body off the ground and stands in front of Ghost, extends and arm and speaks again...

Tate – My names tate, it’s great to meet you!

Ghost just looks down at at the five sausage like fingers, mouth still flapping, but manages to get a word out...

CG – Fat...

Tate – Yeah, I’m only a teenager, and I wannna be a wrestler one day just like you...

CG – Fat?

Tate – Maybe you actually know me, I’m Travis’ agent, he’s just getting prepared for his match right now, I’m off to grab him some mountain dew...but the Vending Machine that was outside his locker room seem’s to have been moved...

CG – FAT!...FATTY....MCFAT....FAT!

Tate – Ummm....Ok?

CG – THE FRAME....TRIPLE MCF! Kid, you got a big future ahead of ya! Hyuk! Hyuk! Hyuk!

Tate – You really think so Mr Ghost? Mr Ghost?...

Suddenly Tate is once again all alone in the corridor, he turns this way and that, scratches his head, and then from nowhere a Twinkie, minus it’s wrapper, drops from thin air into his hands. Triple McF looks confused for a few moments, but then realises he has food in his hand and scoff’s it down his throat, before we return to ringside.

Mitchell: The following is a tag team strap match, with first blood rules, and is for the Tag Team Titles!

Hanson: Okay, so a tag team strap match? Does that mean everybody is stuck to everybody? Because that would be HIGH-larious.

Vinegar: I don't believe so, it's already hard enough to script THIS way.

Hanson: Geez, Nick. Way to crush the dreams of the children. Kayfabe killa, stone cold nigga, throwing down science on the charcoal grilla.

Vinegar: Cute. My granddaughter has a keyboard like that. You know. A pink one.

Hanson: They were sold out of other colors.

Vinegar: Yep. Tell yourself that.

A J-rock cover of "Monsters of Rock" plays to a nearly black stadium, the occasional flickers of white light illuminate parts of the cheering throngs at a time. Then a gong, and the sound of Little Boy exploding. The lights begin to strobe as Aragato arrives on the stage, waving the Japanese flag. He holds it high as he makes his way down the aisle, red lightning-style pyro erupting around the arena. Chinatsu Chen follows closely behind. She rolls into the ring while Aragato jams the flag into the announce table. The strobe effect ends, and Aragato joins his partner in the ring.

Mitchell: Introducing first, the challengers. Hailing from Kyoto, Japan, and at a combined weight of 333 pounds, CHINATSU CHEN and ARAGATO, they represent HIROSHIIIIIIIIMAAAAA!!

Vinegar: Chinatsu is taking the place of her cousin Komosube in this match. He met with Dredd, of course, earlier this evening.

Hanson: Aw, this is what Beyonce would call an upgrade. Fat nearly naked Japanese man, replaced by a cute as a button little Japanese girl.

Vinegar: But never forget, this little girl is as tough as they come. And did you really reference a DirectTV commercial?

Hanson: To the left, to the left.

Vinegar: I'm taking the damn batteries out of that thing. We are not having you sing and rap all match long. Of all the random things I let you do each night, this is not going to be one of them.

Hanson: You can't stop the beat, Nick.

Stomp stomp CLAP! Stomp stomp CLAP! The lights start to pulse in unison with the sound. Stomp stomp CLAP! Stomp stomp CLAP! Then morphing into "Honor" as Marek Daisuke leaps through the air and lands in his signature pose on the stage. The crowd pops, but Marek pays them no attention as he sprints down the ramp and leaps into the ring. Then the sickly metallic guitar slide leads into "Iron Man" and spotlights scan the crowd before the near riot in section 15 announces the appearance of Ezekial Pax in the arena. He slaps hands and steals nachos on his way down the steps, then leaps over the guardrail before sliding into the ring. He pounds fists with his partner and both young men remove their title straps. Hazel East displays the belts to all four participants before handing them to The Old Hermit.

Mitchell: And the champions, from Pittsburg, Pennsylvania, at a combined weight of 329 pounds, MAREK DAISUKE and EZEKIAAAL PAX, WAR AND PEACE!!!

Hanson: Referee East is bringing out the leashes, hey that reminds me, whatever happened to Adolphus Doom? This type of match would be right up his alley.

Vinegar: Shiny things drew him away, I suppose. Looks like Marek is requesting to be attached to Aragato, although you would think Pax would have a strategic advantage, seeing as how he's faced Aragato in singles competition twice over the past month.

Hanson: I don't think strategy ever really plays into Mr Deathmatch's mind. And this type of match is right up that man's alley.

Vinegar: Are you going to say that about anyone else tonight? Are we making a drinking game out of it? If so, you still owe me my beer.

Hanson:...i'll make a drinking game out your mom.

Vinegar: There's the bell. Chen and Aragato bow to their respective opponents. Marek bows back, Pax follows suit awkwardly. Both teams sizing the other up, War and Peace charge forward and land two big drop kicks! Both members of Hiroshima are sent out of the ring, Pax gestures to Marek for a high five, and his hand is yanked down to the mat!

Hanson: Aragato is helping Chen drag the Rolling Stoner to the edge of the ring, good teamwork there. Now Chen using that strap to hold Pax against the bottom rope, while she throws some rabbit punches.

Vinegar: Marek would break up the hold but Aragato has darted back into the ring to trade stiff chops. Aragato getting the advantage, and lays a big palm strike to the side of Lionheart's head, followed by a jump kick!

Hanson: Now he lifts up Marek's head, running that leather strap under his chin, and a vicious knee strike! You know, that would really be the best strategy.

Vinegar: What would?

Hanson: Go for the nose. Man, you remember that night when somebody in every match got a bloody nose? This match would already be over!

Vinegar: Well, it's not. The Human Missile laying a stiff kick to the midsection of Aragato from the ground, and a rising uppercut.

Hanson: Shoryuken!

Vinegar: Meanwhile, Chen has pulled Pax the rest of the way out of the ring, and has wrapped the strap around his arm like a sling to help sinch in a chickenwing sleeper.

Hanson: Kamikaze Kid goes to springboard off the ropes, but Aragato with a sharp tug puts an end to that. Now whipping the back of Marek with the strap! Your name is Toby!

Vinegar: Pax charges and rolls to sandwich Chen against the staircase! Now taking a second to untangle himself, but he can see the scourging that Aragato is giving his partner.

Hanson: Now he flips him over to choke him with that strap. There's no DQ, that means no 5 count. Marek needs to get Aragato off. Just like I do for your mom.

Vinegar: Marek gets a hand up to grab Aragato by the hair, he yanks him down to deliver a headbutt. Aragato slaps him and puts his other hand up there, so Marek can yank him with two hands for another headbutt! Now raising the feet to flip Aragato over.

Hanson: Pax is showing his inner misogynist, slamming Chen's head against the stairs and now backdropping her onto the floor.

Vinegar: Now he sinches his hands to shorten the lead, and drags The Firecracker up for a short arm lariat! Inside the ring, Aragato directing a kick towards The Human Missile's midsection but Marek catches it in the strap and shoves him back to the mat!

Hanson: Now he looks for a way to tie up The Tokyo Terror on the corner, hanging him upside down in a Tree of Woe.

Vinegar: Marek's kicks are smashing Aragato's leg against the post! He could be busting up his kneecap with those shots!

Hanson: Iron Man lays into Chen with the High Beam right here in front of our table! I must say, it's refreshing to not be copping a contact buzz from Pax for once.

Vinegar: He definitely doesn't seem to be impaired in any way from his choice to stay sober this weekend. Aragato is flipping up to untie his leg, and receives some punishing shots to the spine while doing so!

Hanson: He frees himself and falls down to his knees. And Marek gives him one more for Jenny and the Wimp!

Vinegar: Those men are working so stiff, it's a miracle neither of them are busted open yet. WHOA! Chen just caught Pax from out of nowhere with an Exploder Suplex, and threw him into the side of our booth here! Now the two trading blows all around ringside!

Hanson: Aragato takes a Rocket Knee to the temple but manages to roll through and land his own handspring kick against Marek! Now wrapping that leather around his fist as he lays into The Human Kamikaze with some hard rights!

Vinegar:Pax has gained the upperhand out here on the floor, and now he's attempting to get up to help his partner, but the strap's too short! Pax turns back towards Chen and charges off the apron to do a little Crowd Surfing, but the young lady dodges and now it's Pax hitting the stairs!

Hanson:Marek manages to block the punches, and fight his way back to his feet. A burst of speed from the younger man, taking Aragato down with the Ishikawa Execution! Now slamming him into the corner, lifting him up to the top buckle. Marek following him up, he could be going for a top rope Marek-ill!

Vinegar: Nice play by play, Daniel, I was busy watching Chen hit a Sambo Suplex against the concrete here. Aragato fighting back with elbows, now he appears to be wrapping the strap around..himself?

Hanson: No, he's wrapped both of them up, back to back, I'm not sure where this is going. ARAGATO LEAPS OFF THE POST, HE'S USING HIS OWN BODY WEIGHT TO STRANGLE MAREK!!!

Vinegar: Both men are tangled up together, Aragato is hanging off the side of the ring and Marek's upper back is skewered on the top turnbuckle, and gravity is taking its toll on both!

Hanson: You're supposed to cut him, not kill him!

Vinegar: Pax blocks a Chen high kick, but he looks up to see his partner's plight! Pax and Chen both rush towards the corner!

Hanson: Ezekiel pushes up on Aragato's legs to relieve the pressure while Chen works at untangling the men! The slackened tether deposits Aragato onto the floor and Marek onto the mat. Mr Deathmatch is right back up and trading punches with Iron Man! I wanna say that's resilience, but it may actually be a psychotic episode.

Vinegar: And Marek regains his composure and flips Chen over into a judo arm bar! His grip is broken by Aragato charging Zeke into the barricade!

Hanson: Tonto tosses Chen's arm into the air and causes Ezekiel to punch El Gato Loco right in the nards! It's like marionette's fighting!

Vinegar: Aragato charging into the ring now to confront Marek again, he hits a high dropkick while Chen sweeps the leg!

Hanson: Cobra kai!

Vinegar: The Formerly Red-Eyed Wonder hops up onto the apron and slingshots onto Aragato, then leaps straight up to hit a FORE-Nado on Chen!

Hanson: Um...

Vinegar: Hold on, Daniel. Now Aragato dropkicks Zeke straight through the middle ropes and they both tumble to the ground! Now Marek onto the apron, springboard moonsault onto Chen! Aragato slides in behind him!

Hanson: Umm....

Vinegar: Hold on, Daniel! Zeke up onto the turnbuckle, he leaps off to give a moonsault to Chen, but she rolls under the ropes! And...

Hanson: And everyone is hopelessly tangled to each other. Just what I was going to warn them about before you shushed me.

Vinegar: Yes, it does seem that the straps are now tightly interwoven between the post and the ropes, and from the looks of it, I would say that Chen and Pax may be the only two people still able to reach each other.

Hanson: Man, fire Russo!

Vinegar: Marek trying to figure out how to free himself from this web they've all helped create. Chen back in the ring exchanging close quarters strikes, MMA-style with Pax. And Aragato is...slamming his wrist against the apron? Pax gaining the upper hand, Chen does down to the mat! And more wrist slamming.

Hanson: Oh my, this is going to get gross Nick. Mr Deathmatch has apparently decided that untangling themselves will take too long, so he is busting up his extremity there to make it more flexible.

Vinegar: I cannot believe what I am seeing! Aragato is slipping his busted hand out of the leather strap! Hazel East looks like she's about to be sick! Obsidian Scourge to the face of Marek, so that Aragato can charge unhindered towards Zeke! He steps off the back of Chen and leaps up to deliver the stiffest kick directly to the side of his face, driving his head into the top of the corner post! Pax slumps to the floor...he's been busted open by that devestating kick!

Hanson: We have new tag team champions!

Mitchell: Your winners, and NEW Global Tag Team Champions, Aragato and Chinatsu Chen! HIROOOOSHIIIMAA!

Vinegar: I've never seen someone take off their strap and win a strap match.

Hanson: No DQs in a first blood match, Nick! All hail Hiroshima!

Hiroshima : 8

War & Peace: 4

[T-Robosaurus Rex]

(The dramatic voice of all great film trailers and wrestling video packages speaks.)

“In every generation there are heroes and there are villains.”

(A bronze sepia image of Alex Kiseragi on the ramp as his pyro goes appears then cuts to Travis Roberts making his own entrance.)

“Warriors whose collision can be felt around the world.”

(A still image of Alex Yari kicking Travis from the top of the triple cage is shown as transparent Round 1 sign pans across the screen.)

Vinegar: YARI KICK SENDS TRAVIS TUMBLING OFF THE CAGE…!

(The image changes to a shot of Travis mid Shooting Star Press at Horizons, the sign saying Round 2.)

Vinegar: A SHOOTING STAR PRESS RIGHT INTO KISERAGI…

(Another image of Kiseragi Yari Kicking Travis Roberts, this time across the ring at Infinity. Round 3.)

Vinegar: YARI KICK…OUT OF NOWHERE!

(Finally Travis hanging from the belt above the ring in the GIW Arena, round 4 moves across the screen.)

Vinegar: Roberts now, on the top, he’s reaching for the belt, he has it…

(Short videos of Travis and Alex beating assorted opponents from throughout their GIW careers play in quick fire.)

“Now, the Unified Global Title on the line, only one can be victorious. Only one can claim the decider and leave a Champion.”

(Posed pictures of Alex and Travis appear against the American Flag, the Unified Title Belt between them.)

“Next on Affirmative Action, The Dragon Alex Kiseragi Challenges The Blessed One Travis Roberts for the Unified Global Title.”

Hanson: HE HE HE *clap clap clap*

Vinegar: Folks by the sounds and, uh, gyrations of my partner here I guess it’s time for the main event.

Hanson: Shut up Nick. You don’t know a thing. Fact of the matter is Travis Roberts could dress up like a clown, dance on the corner while Tate plays the drums on his upside down feed bucket, and I’d as well as millions of the GIW fans would lap it up!

Vinegar: I think that says more about your pathetic existence than anything else.

Hanson: Oh don’t get it twisted homey. When you’re talking about pathetic you can only be talking about that lying sneaky wannabe ninja Alex Kiseragi.

Vinegar: I think that may require some sort of explanation, frankly. Alex Kiseragi a former Global Champion, a former Unified Global Champion, and the only man to take a title from Travis Roberts, and he did it twice!

Hanson: I don’t know why they let you out here. Facts is facts. Yasutoki won the Global Title, and just allowed his son to play make believe until little Alex got beat. In his first defense proudly joining the 28 day champion club. Then junior Kiseragi pulled some sneaky and lack of self respect bull puckie by sneaking into the ring after Travis dispatched that junkie at Infinity, and STOLE the Unified Title. Then he quickly lost it back to the true champion becoming the first member of the seven day reigners.

Vinegar: Well you said it. Facts are facts, and the facts are Travis agreed on tape to the match ‘anytime, anywhere’. Kiseragi didn’t do anything Travis wouldn’t have done had the positions been reversed.

Hanson: Oh don’t even start that argument. Yeah ‘The Blessed One’ agreed to the match, but there wasn’t a match.

Vinegar: Senior Official Glenn Burke would disagree I think.

Hanson: No you never think, and that’s the big problem. If it was a match, then why were their no introductions, and how can an official match begin while that heap of a waste of space Randy Boolzian was still in la-la land sprawled out in the middle of the ring?

Vinegar: Well I think there’s no way to continue this conversation in any better fashion than to let Alex Kiseragi challenge Travis Roberts for the Unified Global Title.

Hanson: Yeah that’s right, lose ya argument so hope Mitchell Dennis can save you.

Dennis: Ladies and Gentlemen the following is your 2009 Affirmative Action main event, and it is for the Unified Global Title! Introducing first standing six foot one inches and weighting in at 198 pounds, this is Alex ‘The Dragon’ Kiseragi!

‘Tea House’ by Juno Reactor hits the speaker system as the fans spring to their feet with a chorus of cheers for the former Unified Global Champion. After a few seconds Alex walks from behind the curtain poses and kicks at the top of the ramp in unison with the fireworks, and is then joined by Yasutoki Kiseragi and Katie before all three walk down the ramp while taking in the ruckus levels of fan fare.

Hanson: Oh looky, he’s not even trying to hide it this time. He’s bringing Papa Kiseragi to the ringside this time so the old geezer don’t have far to run to try to cost Travis Roberts his U.G.T!

Vinegar: It’s called moral support Dan. Maybe if your family still had anything but contempt for you you’d know that.

Hanson: Alright, alright, don’t get ya panties in a bunch. It’s not like I called that little college girl a whore or nothing.

Vinegar: How is that any thing to say?

Hanson: Call a ring rat a ring rat.

Vinegar: You never learn do you?

Hanson: Aint nobody teaching me she-at, bitch!

Alex leaps into the ring as Katie and Mr. Kiseragi take there positions at the far corner. As Alex finishes his turnbuckle poses for the fans he leaps off into the center of the ring and allows Glenn Burke to check his gear.

Dennis: And his opponent. Standing six feet six inches, weighting in at 220 pounds, he is the Unified Global Champion, this is Travis ‘The Headliner’ Roberts!

‘Bummer’ by Monster Magnet then strums into the airwaves and while it plays Travis Roberts strolls out from behind the curtains with his arms outstretched to a chorus of mixed emotions. Roberts shrugs off the boos only registering the cheers, and then makes his way slowly to the ring.

Hanson: And that’s an entrance, Nick. Travis Roberts doesn’t need the pyro or fancy kung fu or anyone else to bring in the old or female demographic. Just Travis and the title!

Vinegar: Wow, just wow. I wonder what would happen if you had to call a match between Travis Roberts and Gabrielle Montgomery.

Hanson: Huh?

Vinegar: What, well I’m just wondering what would happen if you had to call a match between your to biggest crushes. Let’s face it, you being the authority apparently on ring rats that’d have to be awkward for you. The way I see it you probably picture Gabrielle most nights, but admit when something’s just off you pretend their Travis don’t you. That’s what does the trick for you, huh?

Hanson: Uh, I, uh, shut up!

Vinegar: So it’s the other way around then?

Travis takes his sweet time getting to ringside, but once there he protests to Glenn Burke while pointing at Yasutoki and mimicking holding a bazooka. Before Glenn to respond at any great length Roberts waves his hand dismissing the scene and rolls into the ring before giving Alex Kiseragi a once over. The bell rings as he hands over the Unified Title.

Vinegar: And there’s the bell, we’re underway.

Hanson: I don’t picture… never mind. Just shut up and watch.

Vinegar: Roberts saying something to the challenger, and turning his back.

Hanson: See, he’s trying to make Alex comfortable.

Vinegar: Well the Dragon not wasting any time or opportunity he’s a roll up!

Hanson: Cheater!

Burke: ONE!

Vinegar: And Roberts kicks out, Kiseragi first to his feet…

Hanson: Barely.

Vinegar: Roberts up, and eats a side kick! The champ staggered, spinning heel kick from the challenger, and Roberts is down. Here’s a cover.

Burke: ONE!

Hanson: Yeah right! Easy kick out, he had no chance.

Vinegar: I think that was more about sending a message than trying to win.

Hanson: What kinda message would that be? “Oh please just let this match end before your greatness hurts me to bad?”

Vinegar: Doubtful, and after a quick two near falls both men to their feet and now and its Alex talking to Travis.

Hanson: Begging for mercy I’m sure.

Vinegar: Yeah, sure. Collar and elbow tie up now, Travis with the upper hand…

Hanson: Of course.

Vinegar: Arm wringer by the champion, counter and a standing enziguri from the challenger! Here’s another cover!

Burke: ONE!

Hanson: What?

Burke: TW…

Vinegar: And a kick out by the champion. Just listen to these fans.

Hanson: Of course they’re cheering. Travis is winning.

Vinegar: How do you figure?

Hanson: Because he’s in the ring.

Vinegar: Well both men to their feet now, another collar and elbow lock up, arm wringer from the Dragon now, Irish whip counter from the ‘Blessed One’, Kiseragi ducks a big boot, hits the ropes, HURRACANRANA!!

Hanson: Bullshit! This aint a who can spend more time on top of the other competition!

Burke: ONE!

Vinegar: Uh, it kinda is.

Burke: TWO!!

Hanson: Well Kiseragi’s doin it wrong then what ever it is!

Burke: THR…

Vinegar: Kick out by the champion, and now Roberts slides to the outside.

Hanson: Fantastical strategy here. Regroup, rethink, hell just slow down that pudgy ninja.

Vinegar: Did you just call Kiseragi pudgy?

Hanson: He’ll always be fat to me!

Vinegar: Huge springboard cross body block to the outside, and these fans are loving it!

Hanson: See look as soon as Travis turns his back there’s that cheating Asiaental with his underhanded tactics!

Vinegar: Kiseragi pulling Roberts to his feet, rolls him into the ring, Alex on the apron now.

Hanson: Yeah, laying in wait like an ambush if you ask me.

Vinegar: We didn’t. Roberts to his feet, slingshot into the ring by Kiseragi. He holds onto the top rope, drop kick sends Roberts to the mat, and Alex lands on the second turnbuckle! MOONSAULT!

Burke: ONE!

Hanson: Alright, now he’s just pissing me off!

Burke: TWO!!

Vinegar: Kick out, and by the looks of things he’s starting to get under the skin of the champion as well.

Hanson: Bad news for him.

Vinegar: Roberts to his feet, and right into a front face lock, DD…

Hanson: NO! Big back body drop from the champ.

Vinegar: Kiseragi lands on his feet…

Hanson: So Travis hits that full nelson slam!

Vinegar: And now Roberts stomping away on Kiseragi as he fights to get back to his feet.

Hanson: Well he’s on his feet, but now being clubbed like a seal to the back oh his head.

Vinegar: Roberts, scoop slam, no Michinoku driver!

Hanson: Now here’s the cover!

Burke: ONE!

Vinegar: And Kiseragi kicks out at one.

Hanson: Slow count, obviously. In fact I don’t know why they let that co-conspirator officiate this match!

Vinegar: Maybe because unlike some, like you, he’s unbiased.

Hanson: Hey I got plenty of unbias’es. It’s just a fact though that Roberts is the best.

Vinegar: Like you’re the best?

Hanson: Exactly!

Vinegar: Kiseragi back up, side Russian leg sweep from Roberts, and he follows up with an elbow drop.

Hanson: See maybe Alex should have tried something like that. You know, following up.

Vinegar: Roberts with a second elbow, he’s back up, hits another elbow drop after a brief delay.

Hanson: Delay? No delay, he was letting these fans savior the moment.

Vinegar: Drop toe hold from Kiseragi, and Roberts goes face first into the second turn buckle. Delayed drop kick to the back of the champions head! And now Alex creating some space.

Hanson: See he should be following…

Vinegar: Roberts out of the corner, SHINING WIZARD! Another cover.

Burke: ONE!

Hanson: Is this wrestling or kick boxing?

Burke: TWO!!

Vinegar: It’s wrestling, and these are two of the best!

Burke: THRE…

Hanson: No it’s THE best, and he just kicked out!

Vinegar: Both men back to their feet, and now Alex is laying in those kicks.

Hanson: How about a wrist lock, can we get one of them please?

Vinegar: Kick to the leg, then the ribs, back to the leg, to the ribs, leg, shoulder, leg, Alex Kiseragi is eating the champion up with those well educated feet, and Katie is loving every minute!

Hanson: Yeah, well maybe they need to go back to school! Roberts catches that foot, spins around the Dragon, belly to back suplex!

Vinegar: Roberts now dragging Kiseragi to his feet. Maybe he should have gone for a cover.

Hanson: Don’t ever doubt the ‘TWiSTeD Icon’! Roberts walking KisKis to the corner, turns him around, Diamond Dust! And there’s your cover!

Burke: ONE!

Vinegar: Kiseragi is stirring though.

Burke: TWO!!

Hanson: YO MOMMA is stirring up feelings of regret for not aborting you! That’s what’s stirring!

Burke: THRE…

Vinegar: Kick out at two and three quarters!

Hanson: It’s alright. Travis was just sending a message is all.

Vinegar: Well he’s doing something.

Hanson: TWiSTeD Tourniquet! It’s over. Tap or snap, Alex!

Vinegar: I don’t think the Dragon is going to submit!

Hanson: Oh come on, think about poor little Katie and your papa AKis. Why would you make them watch your arm disfigure, or make them hear your bones splinter and snap? Selfish bastard.

Vinegar: The pain etched in the challengers face, Roberts wrenching back, Alex reaching desperately trying to make it to the ropes.

Hanson: Come on, Burke! Have a heart, and just call this match over. Look at poor Katie. I think she’s about to cry.

Vinegar: Are we looking at the same girl? The Katie I see is cheering Alex, and telling him he can make it to the ropes.

Hanson: Wait, which one is Katie. The ring rat or the one that looks like she just blew a lemon?

Vinegar: Katie’s the one on the right.

Hanson: Oh, so Alex’s father blows lemons?

Vinegar: You know one day I’m gonna get caught in the way, and seriously hurt because of your mouth.

Hanson: Speaking of seriously hurt look at that beautiful crucifix armbar, huh. No one does it better than Travis Roberts and oh damnit!

Vinegar: Alex makes it to the ropes! Let him go, Roberts!

Hanson: He’s got till a five count, and after finally being in the ring with the guy that tried to steal his title, I wouldn’t blame him if he remembered the title can’t change hands on a disqualification.

Burke: 1,

Vinegar: Yeah, but a disqualification only proves he can’t consistently best the Dragon.

Burke: 2,,

Hanson: Travis Roberts wont have to prove anything, especially to the likes of failed male models.

Burke: 3,,,

Hanson: Besides Alex might not have an arm left if that count goes to five! He’s been in the TWiSTeD Tourniquet for a long time now!

Burke: 4,,,,

Vinegar: These fans are on their feet, and livid as are Katie and Yasutoki Kiseragi! Release the damn hold!

Burke: …

Hanson: See, he let him go. They give you to the count of five because you’re supposed to hold onto the hold for that long. If you weren’t they’d change the rule to a count of one or something. And you say I’m biased!

Vinegar: You are biased, and prejudiced, sexist…

Hanson: Dude, did you just call me sexy?

Vinegar: No I didn’t. Roberts pulling Kiseragi to his feet. Alex holding that arm, Roberts with an arm wringer, Irish whip to the far ropes…

Hanson: Fine change the subject. Big boot coming up, take two…

Vinegar: Alex holds onto the rope, Roberts runs in, Alex ducks and Roberts high centers over the top rope!

Hanson: Low blow! Disqualify him!

Vinegar: It’s hardly Alex’s fault Roberts crotched himself.

Hanson: No, but no one told him to kick that top rope!

Vinegar: Roberts in a world of pain now, and unstradles the rope. That metal cord wrapped in nylon that is. Hold on!

Hanson: Wait what? No!

Vinegar: Kick to the stomach from Alex!

Hanson: Wait, no!

Vinegar: Dragon Tail!

Hanson: I said, NO!

Vinegar: Roberts standing upright, and shoves Alex over the top rope during his flip.

Hanson: HA HA… Now Roberts with a breather in the center of the ring.

Vinegar: The Dragon lands on the apron, slingshot in, Serpantsault!

Hanson: He doesn’t hold on for the cover though! Because he can’t! That was desperation, that’s all!

Vinegar: Kiseragi measuring Roberts, and listen to this crowd! They know what’s coming! Katie knows what’s coming! Yasutoki knows what’s coming!

Hanson: Shut up Nick, and fans, and everyone, just shut up, and let Travis think!

Vinegar: Alex with a head of steam, Yari Kick!

Hanson: Roberts side steps, and Alex is hung up in the corner! Roberts knew what was coming!

Vinegar: WHITEOUT!

Hanson: Maybe someone should have told AHugandKis what was coming!

Burke: ONE!

Hanson: No one turns a match around like the ‘Headliner’!

Burke: TWO!!

Vinegar: Listen to Yasutoki and Katie urging on Alex, trying anything to get him to kick out.

Burke: THREE!!!

Dennis: Ladies and gentlemen here is you winner and still GIW Unified Global Champion, Travis Roberts!

Hanson: YES, YES, YES!

Vinegar: Folks we’re out of time. As Travis Roberts hoists the Unified Global Title above his head, we'd like to thank you for joining us here in Washington DC! Join us next week on Sentinel!

'The Headliner' Travis Roberts : 8

'The Dragon' Alex Kiseragi : 2

[T-Robosaurus Rex]

Affirmative Action Credits

Cold Open
Moss Edwards

JK vs Tim Kingsley
Moss Edwards

Boss P and MJ in the Office
T-Rob

Dredd vs Komo
T-Rob

GIW.com Championship Fatal Fourway
T-Rob

I Quit Match
A-Kis

Triple McF and The Ghost
T-Rob

GIW Tag Team Championship First Blood Strap Match
Moss Edwards

GIW Unified Global Championship Match Hype Segment
A-Kis

GIW Unified Global Championship Match
BoolZ

Editor
T-Rob