Ever Escalating Endangerment 2022

[UGWC Staff]

Vinegar: Welcome to the Scotiabank Saddledome Stadium in Calgary, Alberta, Canada, for the first ever edition of Ever Escalating Endangerment!

Lieberjosch: That was quite a mouthful. Try saying that five times fast.

Covert Jay: Welcome to the-

Lieberjosch: It wasn't an actual request.

Vinegar: There will be mayhem abound tonight, with every match crazier than the next, and all five of tonight's blockbuster matches has a championship on the line!

Lieberjosch: The landscape of UGWC could change entirely in the span of a single evening.

Covert Jay: And it all escalates to the Maniacal Multiple Massacre Match between the Global Challenge Winner, Montague Cervantes and the UGWC World Heavyweight Champion, Centurion!

Vinegar: Let's get the action underway!

Vinegar: In a Chair Clanging Chaos match, Tony Savage will defend the UGWC Chaos Championship against Travis Pierce! And you have to give Savage credit, he’s made some pretty good points about his championship reign, and one would be foolish to ignore it.

Lieberjosch: Now there’s something I can agree with you on. Regardless of what happens tonight, Tony has been a good champion.

Vinegar: But he’s made it clear that he wants to be a GREAT champion. When it comes to Chaos Championship reigns, he wants his name in the same breath as the greats: Kenzi Grey, Natural Born Killer, Le Bord de Dieu!

Lieberjosch: And, Travis Pierce, of course. He’s had four reigns himself, and sits in third place all time for the most days combined that he’s held the championship. It’s easy to forget, since his last Chaos championship reign was in 2018, four years ago. But, that isn’t a good reason to dismiss him, either.

Vinegar: You’re right, Doc. And I don’t believe Savage intends to do so. In fact, it seems to me that he would use a victory over Pierce tonight as ammo for this reign being a successful one among “The Greats” if you will.

Lieberjosch: And Pierce would use a victory tonight over Savage to solidify himself as an icon in the Chaos division, as well. What we’ve got here is a potential pivotal match in each man’s career, and I’m looking forward to it!



“You Know My Name” by Chris Cornell hits as the camera shifts from commentary to a ring surrounded by chairs, with more chairs lined up the rampway all the way to the entrance. As the music softens, Travis Pierce steps out and makes his way down to the ring.

Mitchell Dennis: Ladies and gentlemen, the following contest… is a Chair Clanging Chaos match! And it is for the UGWC Chaos Championship! Introducing first, standing six feet, one inch tall, and weighing in at two hundred twenty pounds, from Los Angeles, California… He is a former 4 time Chaos champion, and the Icon of Entertainment! This… is… Traviiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiis… Pieeeeeeeeeeeeeerce!

He plucks a chair on his way and slides it into the ring, before sliding in himself and grabbing his weapon. He turns to face the entrance with a determined stare.

Lieberjosch: Smart move by Pierce, and I don’t think this match is going to be a long one if he connects with that chair early on.



When the lights dim down,and cameras zoom onto the entrance ramp, there's a figure in ring gear with his back turned to the ring. He's pounding his fists, throwing combos, his head bobbing like a snake's before it strikes. Then, once that bass drop hits, darkness becomes light, as the lights from mobile phones and cameras provide the pyro.

Mitchell Dennis: And introducing his opponent, standing six feet, three inches tall and weighing in at two hundred twenty-nine pounds… he is from London, England, residing in Atlanta, Georgia… He is the current UGWC Chaos Champion since November first of twenty twenty-one… This… is… Tonyyyyyyyyyy… Saaaaaaaavaaaaaaaaaaage!

Tony marches down to the ring, his eyes locked on Pierce’s. Halfway down, he reaches behind him and unhooks his Chaos Championship. It drops to the floor as Savage grabs a chair of his own and dives into the ring. Mitchell Dennis scurries out of the ring as Hazel East quickly calls for the bell.

Covert Jay: Holy shit, get out of there Mitchell!

Pierce lands a chair shot to Savage’s back as the bell rings and the match is underway. Pierce goes for a second chair shot, but Savage manages to roll out of the way, then rolls the other way to avoid another chair shot–what is this, a Marvel movie?

Vinegar: Watch out, my goodness.

With two strikes on him, Travis Pierce nearly imprints Tony’s face into the seat of the metal chair. The metallic clang is deafening in the stadium as Tony rolls to his belly, writhing in pain. Pierce comes down with it again, connecting with Savage’s back. He tosses the chair to the outside and pulls Tony up to his feet.

Lieberjosch: Smart, veteran tactics here from Pierce, although it nearly backfired on him. Tony’s prepared, Travis can’t let up.

Vinegar: Right now he’s carefully calculating his next move. Savage just tried to counter him and Pierce was a step ahead, locking in a headlock!

Covert Jay: I don’t think this is what Travis wants to do so early, though.

Pierce tightens his grip on the standing side headlock as Savage tries to fight his way out of it. He attempts to shove Pierce into the ropes and fails once… twice… and the third time he falls to one knee as Pierce refuses to let go.

Vinegar: Travis controlling the pace of the match thus far, and Tony is visibly frustrated.

Covert Jay: Come on, this is a Chair Clanging Chaos match!

Lieberjosch: Personally, I’m enjoying Pierce’s strategy. This is an ideal pace to set with an opponent like Savage. If it goes the way Travis wants, Tony’s frustration will impact his execution and will lead to him not following his game plan at all, but play into Pierce’s instead. It’s genius.

Covert Jay can be heard snoring into the headset, before suddenly shaking himself away.

Covert Jay: Oh, sorry. Were you talking, Doc? I missed that, but please don’t repeat it.

Lieberjosch: You’re an ass.

Savage begins to land a few side forearms to Pierce’s ribs and he attempts a fourth time to break out of the headlock, and this time succeeds. Pierce is shoved into the ropes, where he gains momentum and speeds back towards Savage. He leaps forward, but Savage catches him! And tosses him over his head with a T-bone suplex!

Vinegar: What a counter by Tony Savage! Pierce just landed back first onto the chair that Savage brought to the ring!

Lieberjosch: But the momentum of Savage’s suplex–which was absolutely beautiful, by the way–sent Pierce sliding under the bottom rope to the outside! Have you ever seen such a beautifully executed T-Bone suplex?

Covert Jay: It was so beautiful, he could have been wearing an orange and black singlet!

Lieberjosch: Huh?

Covert Jay: Uh… nothing. I don’t know what I’m saying.

On the outside, Pierce is struggling to one knee. Savage climbs out with his original chair in hand. He lifts it high overhead, but Pierce is quick to kick him in the gut. Savage drops his arms, but not the chair. Which is unfortunate for Pierce, because as he is loading up for a straight right, Tony lifts the chair in front of him and Pierce punches the chair rather than Tony’s face. He winces and recoils, nursing his knuckles briefly. Briefly, because now it’s Tony’s turn to swing for the fences. And he connects on the first pitch, wrapping the chair around Pierce’s skull. He stumbles backwards and falls on his butt. And Tony unloads another chair shot to the head. Pierce falls to his back.

Covert Jay: I think Pierce may be snoring louder than I was a few minutes ago!

Vinegar: Those were some powerful, lethal chair shots from Tony Savage.

Savage tosses the chair aside and climbs on top of Pierce.

Lieberjosch: Savage in full mount position here.

Covert Jay: Looks an awful lot like cowgirl position to me.

Lieberjosch: Uh… I think he heard you.

Vinegar: Oh, dear.

Savage turns his attention to the announce team, zeroing in his attention on Covert Jay, who seems to begin to cower under the table. Savage steps off of Pierce and grabs a chair, marching over to the announce table and glaring at Jay. With one swift motion, he swings the chair and connects with Covert Jay’s skull, and this time he really can be heard snoring into the headset!

Lieberjosch: Tony Savage has just smacked the shit out of Covert Jay!

Vinegar: This is the greatest moment in television history!

Savage grins and returns his focus back to Travis Pierce, who is groggily getting to his feet. Savage charges forward. Pierce has the wherewithal to sidestep him and drop toe hold him face first onto a chair!

Lieberjosch: Pierce taking a page out of Savage’s book with that sidestep counter!

Vinegar: He’s still a little groggy from the two chair shots he just endured! These types of matches shorten careers, but Pierce has made a career out of rising above in this sort of environment!

Pierce on the offensive now, favoring his right hand while lifting Savage to his feet and rolling him back into the ring. Savage gets to his feet as Pierce slides in with a chair. Pierce swings. Savage sidesteps. Savage hits him with a jab, then a body jab, followed by a heavy left haymaker. Pierce ducks a right and jabs the top of the chair into Savage’s ribs. Dropping the chair to the mat, he grabs Tony’s head and drops a DDT onto the chair. He quickly rolls Savage to his back and makes the cover.

1…

2…

Lieberjosch: Savage kicks out at 2!

Covert Jay: *Snores*

Vinegar: Hey, quiet down over there. You’re being quite rude!

With Savage still on the mat, Travis grabs the chair from the mat and unfolds it, setting it in the middle of the ring. He pulls Savage up to his feet and executes another side headlock, walking him to the unfolded chair. But, to his surprise, Savage lifts him up into a back suplex, dropping him onto the back of his neck!

Savage pulls Pierce up to his feet and sets up for an irish whip, but Pierce holds on and reverses it. Savage holds on, and pulls Pierce into a belly-to-belly suplex! Immediately, Savage rolls to the outside and grabs two chairs. Sliding them back into the ring, Savage turns and grabs two more. He slides in himself after sliding in the second set of two, and gets to work, unfolding each of them. As he’s unfolding the third, he notices Travis crawling to his knees. He swiftly turns and hits him across the back with the third steel chair, sending Travis back down. After unfolding all four chairs, he sets them next to the chair Pierce has set up, finishing a row of five chairs back-to-back and front-to-front alternatively.

Lieberjosch: This here is spelling out trouble. That’s T-R-O-U-B-L-E.

Covert Jay: What? What happened?

Vinegar: Welcome back, Jay. As it turns out, a bitch slap from Tony Savage is a little more lethal than a bitch slap from Will Smith.

Covert Jay: Goddamnit! I was supposed to make the Oscars joke, not you!

Lieberjosch: Mr. Savage was kind enough to allow you to be part of the Oscars joke. And we’re all appreciative of his generosity.

Covert Jay: GFY, Hans.

Savage pulls Pierce back up, but Pierce is ready for him, pulling him by his trunks and through the middle and top rope behind him. Savage stumbles out of the ring and back first onto the seat of an unfolded steel chair near the entrance ramp. Travis rolls out after him and begins putting the boots to him. After a series of stomps, Travis drops to his knees and hits him with a flurry of closed fist punches.

Lieberjosch: Pierce warned him! The Chaos championship brings out a level of viciousness that people like Savage are unaware of. Like many others, this side of Pierce has caught Tony by surprise!

Vinegar: But you notice he only hit him with his left hand. I think he may still be feeling the consequences of earlier in his right hand. I hope he didn’t break any of his fingers.

As if to support Lieberjosch’s thesis, Travis grabs the chair that greeted Savage’s fall, and shoves the top of it into his ribs. Savage doubles over and rolls to his side. Pierce takes a swing, this time with the flat part connecting with his ribs. Pierce tosses the chair into the ring and steps over to the nearest chair, grabbing it and tossing it with the others. He continues walking around the ring, collecting chairs like Sonic collects golden rings, and tosses them one at a time into the ring.

Lieberjosch: There must be twenty chairs in that ring now! What do these guys have in mind?

Covert Jay: I don’t know, but I hope at the end of this, we’ll be calling Travis Pierce the hash-slinging… uh… the mash-bringing… the bash-flinging…

Lieberjosch: The chair-clanging?

Covert Jay: …slasher, yes.

Vinegar: Jay, you ok? That chair shot must have really snatched up a few brain cells.

Covert Jay: …fuckin’ Tony Savage.

Satisfied, Travis walks back to Savage and stomps on him a few times before pulling him to his feet and hooking his arms.

Vinegar: Double underhook backbreaker! My goodness! He hit that with authority!

Covert Jay: Respect my authoritah!

Lieberjosch: We’ve lost Jay. He’s a cartoon.

Vinegar: Always was, really.

Lieberjosch: Good point.

Pierce rolls into the ring and sets a few of the folded chairs across the backs of the chairs that are unfolded, before unfolding three more and setting them onto the folded chairs, creating a pyramid. He sets another folded chair on top of those, and unfolds one more, setting it on top and completing the design. At this point, the fans are on their feet and cheering with approval.

Vinegar: This spells more than trouble, Hans. This spells Early Retirement, if either of these men fall victim to the Chair Pyramid that Tony and Travis have taken turns building.

Lieberjosch: The Chair Pyramid is nearly level with the top ropes.

Covert Jay: I hope they didn’t order those chairs from ACME. All of their shit is defective. Ask my friend, Wile E.

Vinegar: …Christ.

Covert Jay: Coyote actually, but you were close.

Vinegar: Watch out, Travis!

Pierce turns and finds himself wrapped in Savage’s arms. Just before he gets lifted into a second belly-to-belly suplex, however, Pierce shoves his head forward and hits a desperation headbutt. Savage falls backwards, bouncing off the ropes and stumbling forward again. Pierce dropkicks him and Savage goes through the ropes again to the outside. Now Travis wastes no time as he climbs to the top rope.

Vinegar: Travis Pierce throwing caution to the wind here! He moved to the top turnbuckle with startling speed that I didn’t know he had!

Lieberjosch: See, this is stupid. No matter how you slice it, this will shorten Pierce’s career. I thought he was smarter than this!

Pierce launches himself and hits Savage with The Piercing Blow on the outside! Now both men are down!

After a few seconds, Pierce rolls over and stands, again pulling Savage to his feet and rolling him into the ring. He crawls in after him and makes the cover.

1…

2…

Vinegar: Savage kicks out at two!

Pierce wastes no time, rushing to the turnbuckle. He climbs to the top, but Savage begins to stir, too. As Pierce reaches the top and turns, Savage is already climbing up with him. He meets him at the top and begins to throw heavy hands that neutralizes Travis. Now the two begin trading punches, both standing at the top. Savage gains the upper hand, and he’s got Pierce set up for a T-bone suplex from the top!

But Travis fights back with a headbutt, and then shoves Savage backwards! Savage lands on his back hard on the mat and Pierce leaps immediately.

Vinegar: The Piercing Blow! For a second time! And this time Pierce is going for the pin immediately!

1…

2…

…3

No! Savage kicks out just as Hazel East’s hand comes down!

Lieberjosch: That’s taken a lot out of Pierce, look at him! He’s just lying there, gasping for air!

Vinegar: So is Savage! He’s really endured a lot of punishment here tonight! They both have!

Both men start to stir. Pierce is a little quicker than Savage to get to his feet, and he’s got his eyes set on the Chair Pyramid that’s been constructed in the ring.He takes a swing at Savage as he’s getting to his feet, but Tony manages to sidestep the punch. He throws a punch of his own and connects with Pierce’s ribs. Travis takes another swing and misses. Tony jabs him in the jaw, now shifting in a boxing stance. His feet move back and forth at a rapid pace as he protects his own chin with his hands. Pierce takes a third swing and strikes out, and Savage ducks under, hitting a double leg takedown and immediately going to top mount. He immediately reigns down punches and forearms.

Vinegar: Pierce has nowhere to go!

Savage, gaining momentum, pulls Pierce to his feet now and whips Pierce into the turnbuckle! He rushes forward, hitting him with a clothesline, then lifts him up so that Travis is sitting on the top. Now Savage climbs up with him once again. Pierce fights back again, but both men are once again standing at the top!

Lieberjosch: It’s deja vu all over again!

Travis throws a punch, but Savage blocks it! Quickly, he wraps around Pierce and pivots, spinning both around…

Vinegar: The Spinebuster to end ALL spinebusters! Through the Pyramid of Chairs!

Covert Jay: Why didn’t Pierce hold up a sign that said “Yipe” on it? What reality is this, where am I?

The sound of flesh on metal can be heard as both men crash through the chairs and down to the mat. Savage lands on top of Pierce and makes the cover.

1…

2…

…3!

Tony Savage rolls off of Pierce, blood trickling from his forehead, as Hazel East raises his hand.

Mitchell Dennis: Ladies and gentlemen, here is your winner… and STILLLLLLL UGWC Chaos Champion… Tonyyyyyyyy Saaaaaaavaaaaaaaage!

Lieberjosch: Tony Savage has defeated Travis Pierce to retain!

Vinegar: And what a hell of a statement he’s made! Look at this carnage!

Covert Jay: Travis Pierce looks like he took a wrong turn at Albuquerque, but Tony Savage doesn’t look too far behind!

Vinegar: What a way to open up the night!

[UGWC Staff]

*Ding Ding Ding!!!!*
 
Mitchell Dennis: The following contest is a Big Band Bash match and is scheduled for one fall!
 
Crowd: ONE FALLLLLL!!!!
 
Mitchell Dennis: And it is for the UGWC Conquest Chaaaaampionnnnnsssshhhhiiiiiiiiipppppp!!!!!
 
The arena is buzzing as nothing happens. Silence throughout the arena. The crowd sits there in silence until Zane Scott steps out onto the stage, looking more than a little annoyed. He stands on the stage where the stage and ramp meet, and finally, the music begins. Cued by the polite applause.
 
“Is Dexter ill, Is Dexter ill, Is Dexter ill?”

“Is Dexter ill today, Mr. Kirk?”

“Dexter's in school.”

“I'm afraid he's not, Miss. Fishbourne.”

“Dexter's truancy problem is way out of hand.”

“The Baltimore County school board have decided to expel Dexter from the entire public school system.”

“Oh Mr Kirk, I'm as upset as you to learn of Dexter's truancy, but surely, expulsion is not the answer!”

“I'm afraid expulsion is the only answer.”

“It's the opinion of the entire staff that Dexter is criminally insane.”


 
He angles his head to the left, then turns and looks back up to the curtain. He says something, although it’s drowned out by the music. He responds to whatever he’s told by holding his arms out to his side and yelling back through the curtain again. The music continues to play and he turns back to the top of the ramp, red-faced and clearly extremely angry. He looks up and appears to swear as the lyrics say “The boy needs therapy”. He shakes his head and walks down the ramp, stopping at the bottom. He turns and looks back up the ramp again, and yells something back up it. The music continues to play anyway. He shakes his head and turns back towards the ring. He eventually climbs up the steps and enters the ring, and not bothering with any of his usual playing to the crowd, he slumps down in his corner and glares into space.
 
Vinegar: Zane Scott, looking annoyed just before a huge title opportunity.
 
Leiberjosch: Very very VERY annoyed.
 
Covert Jay: He didn’t at all seem surprised, though, that his music was messed up.
 
Vinegar: Well, he probably thinks it was the powers that be that did it.
 
Leiberjosch: Always looking for someone else to blame.
 
Vinegar: Well he didn’t exactly do it, now did he?
 
The lights in the arena go out and “Phucking Phreak” by Velvet Acid Christ fades in over the PA system.



A single spotlight hits the stage and there stands the UGWC Conquest Champion, Phrixus Diemos. He stares a hole right through Zane Scott as he saunters methodically down the ramp. By this point, Zane has a trombone in his hand; and sets a number of metallic instruments such as symbols and brass instruments in the ring. With the trombone in hand, he mouths “I’m going to smash you with this” while pointing at Phrixus. Phrixus, completely unphased, steps into the ring and hands the Conquest Title over to Alice Nasmith.
 
Vinegar: Phrixus Diemos is just one win away from earning a UGWC World Title shot. Beating Zane Scott will set that in stone.
 
Leiberjosch: As much as I hate to say it, I think he will be getting that title shot. Zane Scott hasn’t been able to keep a good streak going lately.
 
Mitchell Dennis: Introducing the challenger, from Poughkeepsie, New York, weighing in at 265 pounds…. ZAAAAAAAAAANNNNNEEEEEE SSSCCCCCCOOOOTTTTTTTTTTTTTT!!!!!!!!!
 
The crowd erupts in a chorus of cheers and jeers as Zane doesn’t take his eyes off of Phrixus for even a second.
 
Vinegar: Zane is laser focused on his opponent tonight, and is ready to get this underway!
 
Covert Jay: I’m just hoping they don’t use the gong over there.
 
Mitchell Dennis: And his opponent, he is the UGWC Conquest Champion…. The Embodiment of Fear…..PPPHHHRRRRIIIIIIXXXXXXUUUUSSSSSS DIIIIIEEEEEEMMOOOOOOOSSSSSSS!!!!!!!!
 
Alice Nasmith raises the title overhead as the crowd boos for the champion. The opening bell sounds and we are underway!
 
Vinegar: Zane immediately charging at Zane with the trombone but Phrixus ducks under as he swings.
 
Leiberjosch: Zane spun right into a kick to the gut!

Covert Jay: Trombone down. TROMBONE DOWN!!!!
 
Vinegar: Settle down, you!
 
Leiberjosch: Phrixus with a quick snap suplex for a 1 count from Alice.
 
Vinegar: Phrixus picking Zane up and shoving him into the corner. Shoulder thrusts to the midsection!
 
Leiberjosch: Pulling Zane out of the corner and whipping him across the ring. But wait! Reversal!
 
Covert Jay: Phrixus hits the turnbuckles and Zane is right there with a running clothesline!
 
Vinegar: Zane rolls out to search for something and is back in with a couple of trumpets. Odd choice, but this whole night is odd.
 
Covert Jay: Speak for yourself, I am LOVING it!
 
Leiberjosch: Zane lines himself up and charges at Phrixus but Phrixus moves out and rolls around Zane.
 
Vinegar: Zane turns and catches a running knee to the face!
 
Covert Jay: Phrixus picks up a trumpet and waits for Zane to get up!
 
Vinegar: He’s up and turns into a trumpet smash to the face! Phrixus covers, but Zane kicks out at 1.5!
 
Leiberjosch: Phrixus picking up Zane now. Off the ropes. He slides around and goes for Numbing! HE COVERS!
 



1!!!!!!!!
 
 


2!!!!!!!
 
 


 
KICK OUT!
 
Vinegar: So close to 3!

Leiberjosch: Not that close.
 
Covert Jay: Close enough, I’d say.
 
Leiberjosch: Phrixus pulls Zane up and starts to lock in the Millennial Decay but Zane fights his way out pretty quickly.
 
Vinegar: He is able to get some distance from Phrixus. Now the two stare each other down.
 
Leiberjosch: This isn’t a staring contest guys!!!!
 
Covert Jay: I’d win if it was.
 
Leiberjosch: Ugh… can you just…? Please?
 
Covert Jay: Can I just what?
 
Vinegar: Focus, you two! Both men locked up in the middle of the ring, but Phrixus is his usual self and kicks the braced knee of Zane!
 
Leiberjosch: Zane down on one knee! Phrixus off the ropes!
 
Covert Jay: Running shining wizard!!!!!!! Ohhhhh, a wizards and dragons match! That could be fun!
 
Leiberjosch: I will never be able to understand what’s in your head.
 
Covert Jay: Yeah, me either.
 
Vinegar: Phrixus pulls Zane up and whips him into the corner. He starts hitting a series of kicks on Zane in the midsection.
 
Leiberjosch: Zane gets a lucky shot in and staggers Phrixus! Zane comes out and grabs him.
 
Covert Jay: The tussle ensues!!!! Zane has Phrixus staggered on the ropes! He charges!!!
 
Vinegar: Phrixus drops and flips Zane over with a back body drop! Zane just crashed hard on the floor in front of us!
 
Leiberjosch: Phrixus is taking his time to get out there. I don’t blame him though.
 
Vinegar: Zane is slowly getting to his feet as Phrixus stalks him from behind.
 
Leiberjosch: Zane turns around, Phrixus hits him with a running dropkick!
 
Cover Jay: Zane tumbles backwards and Phrixus heads over.
 
Vinegar: He picks up Zane and grabs him by the back of the head. Oh no, is he doing it?!
 
Covert Jay: NOT THE GONG!
 
Leiberjosch: Phrixus hurls Zane forward BUT WAIT! REVERSAL! ZANE HURLS PHRIXUS HEAD FIRST INTO THE GONG!!!!
 
Covert Jay: GGGOOONNNNNNGGGGGGGGG!!!!!!!!
 
Vinegar: That isn’t pleasant on the ears.
 
Covert Jay: Or the head. Look at him! He’s bleeding!
 
Leiberjosch: Phrixus is busted open!!
 
Vinegar: Zane taking a moment before he pulls Phrixus back up. Phrixus shoves him away and tries to escape but Zane is ready to make the chase!
 
Covert Jay: Did Zane just pick up a drum?
 
Leiberjosch: Phrixus just picked up a violin case!
 
Vinegar: Zane just grabbed another snare drum!
 
Leiberjosch: Zane rounds the corner catches Phrixus stalking him! Phrixus swings the violin case but misses!
 
Covert Jay: HOLY MOLY!!!! Zane just smashed the snare drum on Phrixus’ head! This reminds me a road runner cartoon I saw once.
 
Leiberjosch: Honestly, not the worst comparison you’ve made before.
 
Vinegar: Zane going to pick up Phrixus but Phrixus just reverse kicked Zane in the balls!!!!!!!!
 
Covert Jay: Ohhhhhh!!! Ouchtown, Population: You, bro!
 
Leiberjosch: Is that… dodgeball?
 
Covert Jay: You’ve seen it? Classic!
 
Vinegar: Phrixus has time now to regroup. He pulls out the violin and waits behind Zane… stalking him like he does…
 
Leiberjosch: OHHHHHH!!!! He just broke the violin on Zane’s back!!!!!!
 
Covert Jay: What’s he doing with that stick thing?
 
Vinegar: No… he’s sadistic but no…
 
Leiberjosch: Oh yes…
 
Covert Jay: WHAT IS HE DOING WITH THE STICK THING?!
 
Vinegar: The crowd is reacting thunderously to this moment. Phrixus Diemos just scraped violin bow across the face of Zane Scott!
 
Leiberjosch: Zane is bleeding from these random cuts on his face!
 
Vinegar: Phrixus drops the bow and whips Zane into the barricade but Zane explodes out of it, in desperation with a huge tackle!
 
Covert Jay: Both men are down and they are not moving!
 
Leiberjosch: Alice Nasmith is there checking on the competitors but both say they are good to go!
 
Covert Jay: Phrixus is using the apron to pull himself up while Zane uses the barricade.
 
Vinegar: Phrixus is up first and grabs Zane. He goes to send him right into the steel steps but Zane reverses it!
 
Leiberjosch: Phrixus stops himself just short. Feeling a bit too relived, he turns around and charges at Zane!
 
Covert Jay: Zane catches him out of nowhere with a DOMINATING spinebuster!!!!
 
Leiberjosch: Zane is wasting no time and grabs Phrixus from the floor!
 
Vinegar: Zane rolls Phrixus back into the ring and slides back in with a washboard and a guitar.
 
Leiberjosch: I cannot believe that’s considered an actual instrument. The guitar I get, but the washboard?!
 
Covert Jay: Anything is if you play it right.
 
Vinegar: Zane drops the guitar near the corner, and is stalking Phrixus… he turns and BOOM! WASHBOARD!!!!!! Right across the face!
 
Leiberjosch: Zane covers!





1!!!!!!!!!







2!!!!!!!!!







THR----- KICK OUT!!!!!!!!!!

Covert Jay: Whoa!!!! How did he kick out?!

Vinegar: That's a great question! Zane just broke that washboard over his face!

Leiberjosch: Zane doesn’t seem satisfied though! But then again, when is he ever?

Covert Jay: He's taking a long time to follow up...

Leiberjosch: That he is... he needs to follow up if he wants to win! NOW!!!!

Covert Jay: Oh! Here we go!
 
Vinegar: He picks up Phrixus and goes for a powerbomb towards the corner… wait! Phrixus floats out and behind Zane!
 
Covert Jay: NUMBING!!!!!!! HE HIT THE NUMBING!!!!!
 
Leiberjosch: Phrixus trying to climb to the top rope! But he is so fatigued from this fight.
 
Vinegar: Both men are. This has been a brutal fight!
 
Leiberjosch: Zane is lying on his back. This isn’t going to end well for him!
 
Vinegar: Phrixus is up on the top rope! Is he going to get the final win?!
 
Covert Jay: Phrixus leaps for the Meteor Press!!!!!
 
Leiberjosch: HOLY FUCKING SHIT BALLS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
 
Vinegar: ZANE KIPPED UP WITH THE GUITAR IN HAND!!!!!!!
 
Leiberjosch: AND SMACKED THE SNOT RIGHT OUT OF A FLYING PHRIXUS, BIG WILLY STYLE!
 
Covert Jay: WAIT! When did we sign Chris Rock?!
 
Vinegar: Knock it off!
 
Covert Jay: Zane is leaning on the ropes, surveying the damage. And that is a lot of damage. Broken guitar pieces everywhere and Phrixus isn’t moving.
 
Vinegar: Is Zane laughing?
 
Leiberjosch: Well, wouldn’t you after that monumental move?
 
Vinegar: Fair enough. Wait, why is he reaching in his trunks?
 
Covert Jay: Sometimes you need to adjust. I get it. Common male problem.
 
Leiberjosch: Zane just pulled out electrical tape? Where the hell was he keeping that?
 
Covert Jay: You don’t have trouser tape? Geez, get with the times.
 
Leiberjosch: Trouser tape? Why? Why do I sit here and entertain this gibberish?
 
Vinegar: That’s a good question. Why do you? Wait a minute… What is he doi-  ….. Is he taping a symbol to his knee? What in the world?
 
Leiberjosch: Phrixus is barely pulling himself up with the ropes! Blood pouring from his face.
 
Covert Jay: He turns and goes for a wildly inacccurate clothesline but Zane ducks!
 
Leiberjosch: Kick to the midsection! He’s got him on his shoulders!
 
Vinegar: IN COLD BLOOD!!! FACE FIRST INTO THE SYMBOL!!!
 
Leiberjosch: COVER!!!!!!
 
 



 
 


1!!!!!
 
 


 
 
 
 
 
2!!!!!
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
3!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!








 
DING DING DING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!







 
Mitchell Dennis: Here is your winner and NNNNEEEEEWWWWWWWWWW UGWC Conquest Champion!!!! ZZAAAAAAAAANNNNEEEEE SSSCCCCOOOOTTTTTTT!!!!!!!!!!
 


In the ring, Zane rips the tape and tosses the symbol to the side. Alice Nasmith hands him the Conquest Title and he just stares at it, smirking; cut up face and all; admiring the new hardware. He slowly stands up and hits a corner, climbing up to show off to the crowd. He looks at the tron towards backstage and gives an emphatic middle finger!
 
Vinegar: And on this night, Phrixus was unable to earn his World Title shot.
 
Leiberjosch: Proving once again that he does not deserve to be in the main event scene!
 
Vinegar: He has proved time and again that he does. He will be back, and you know it.

[UGWC Staff]

The opening drum beats and guitar riffs to “My Will Be A Dead Man” by Project 86 blare. The lights flicker and as the song picks up, Dave Rydell saunters out onto the stage. He is cloaked in the black, leather, hooded trench coat, as well as the mask. He leans over and adjusts the blousing off his multicam pants over his combat boots before walking down the ramp to the ring. As the lights around the arena glow an orange/red glow, he walks up the steps and climbs through the ropes. He pauses for a moment, facing one side of the arena. He pulls his hood back and flares out into the crowd as he removes his mask. He removes his trench coat and tosses both items to ringside, and does a quick arm and back stretch before his match.

Hastings wears a dark cloak to the ring. When he comes out he pauses on the stage and opens his arms to the adoring peasantry. He soaks the moment in and then proceeds to the ring.

The lights go out as the heavy guitar riffs of "Violent Fetish" by Disturbed fill the arena. As the lyrics kick in, an orange spotlight hits the entrance where Ken Davison is standing, slightly hunched over with a sadistic smile on his face.

Bring The Violence

It's Significant

To The Life

If You've Ever Known Anyone

Bring The Violence

It's Significant

To The Life

Can You Feel It?

OW! OW! OW!!!

Davison steps to the side, motioning towards the entrance way as Disturbed fades out and gives way to "Mz Hyde" by Halestorm wailing over the PA system as the 'Jawdropper' steps out from behind the curtain, clad in her trademarked orange cropped tank top, baggy grey sweatpants and skater shoes.

She's got a playful grin on her lips as she stops at the top of the ramp and motions out to the cheering crowd as Ken nods at her. Easily noticed is the full bottle of Jack Daniels she's holding in her right hand as she begins down the ramp, slapping the fans hands with her free hand along the way.

I can be the bitch,

I can play the whore,

Or your fairytale princess who could ask for more

A touch of wicked,

A pinch of risque,

Good girl gone bad, my poison is your remedy

As the lyrics continue, Johnson slides into the ring under the bottom rope and rises to her feet, moving into the nearest corner and jumping up onto the second turnbuckle. Ken stands protectively in front of her while she motions to the crowd once more as she pops open the whiskey bottle, toasting the crowd before taking a swig! The crowd continues cheering as she jumps down and seals the bottle, dropping it in that very same corner before she begins circling the ring, awaiting the match to begin. Ken, meanwhile, stands stoically, waiting for the match to begin.

Dennis: The following contest is Ludicrous Ladder Lunacy, and it’s for the UGWC Cooperative Championships!! The first team to retrieve three of the five items hanging above the ring will be declared the winners!

Vinegar: Very interesting items up there, huh Jay?

Covert Jay: I’ll say! A kendo stick, a set of handcuffs, a staple gun, a ring bell, and a stun gun!

Lieberjosch: And I suppose all that trash will be legal once they’ve retrieved it?

Vinegar: I’ve been told that’s exactly what Jet Somers intends!

Lieberjosch: Great…

Dennis: Introducing first, the challengers, with a combined weight of 441 pounds, “The Lord of Pain” DONOVAN HASTTTTTTTINGS! and “The Crazed Anarchist” DAVE RYDDDDDDDELLLLLL!!

Lieberjosch: Another ridiculous idea from the Creative Director, pairing this stale old team once again.

Vinegar: I happen to think Hastings and Rydell make a very entertaining team.

Lieberjosch: You and Somers are cut from the same cloth; anything that annoys The Lord is quality entertainment.

Dennis: And your reigning UGWC Cooperative Champions, “Godly” KEN DAVVVVVISON and “The Jawdropper” KYRA JOHNNNNNNNNSON, BALTIMMMMMMMORE ELIIIIIIITE!!!!!!

Covert Jay: Does Claude still have a bell to ring?

Claude: Ding!

Vinegar: Nope!

Lieberjosch: Regardless, we’re underway as Hastings and Rydell immediately dive for the sides of the ring to go after ladders.

Vinegar: Ken and Kyra aren’t having it, though, as they intercept.

Lieberjosch: Davison clotheslines Donovan, hanging him up in the ropes!

Vinegar: Dropkick from Johnson sends Dave crumpling into the corner!

Lieberjosch: The champs each extract their targets and whip them toward each other.

Covert Jay: Car crash!

Vinegar: Hastings and Rydell land tangled in a heap, immediately shoving each other to untangle themselves.

Lieberjosch: Dave rolls up into a spear to retaliate, knocking Davison off his feet.

Vinegar: There’s a leg sweep from Donovan that takes Johnson’s legs from under her!

Lieberjosch: Rydell and Ken are grappling, but Donovan has taken the opening to roll out of the ring!

Covert Jay: Here comes the first ladder!

Vinegar: Hastings tried to toss that ladder over the rope and onto Kyra, but the Jawdropper rolled out of the way!

Lieberjosch: Gutwrench suplex to Rydell, and Davison rushes over to grab the ladder before Donovan can re-enter the ring!

Vinegar: Hastings springboards off the ropes and comes down with a DDT onto Ken, smacking his face against the ladder he was carrying!

Lieberjosch: Donovan yanking the ladder away with indignation as he goes to set it up.

Covert Jay: He starts to climb–backstabber from Kyra!!

Vinegar: Johnson rushing up the ladder now, she gets her hands on the kendo stick just as the Anarchist appears and dropkicks the ladder out from under her!

Lieberjosch: Johnson plummets, but she pulls the kendo stick free!

Vinegar: That’s one point for Baltimore Elite already!

Lieberjosch: Rydell grabs the stick and wails on the downed Johnson, making sure she’s going to be on the mat for a while.

Vinegar: Davison runs over, but gets the butt end of the kendo right in the teeth!

Covert Jay: He’s not going to look like the same dude after tonight…

Lieberjosch: Dave swings the stick around, whapping into Ken’s ribs as “Godly” holds his bleeding mouth.

Vinegar: Seeing that his partner pretty much has the champs covered for the moment, Hastings goes to set the ladder back up.

Lieberjosch: He’s not attempting the climb yet though…

Covert Jay: Gut buster on Kyra, adding insult to injury!

Lieberjosch: He’s just making sure she doesn’t stab him in the back again, like this whole company has.

Vinegar: Oh puh-lease.

Covert Jay: He’s going up!

Lieberjosch: Hastings reaching for the stun gun… he’s got it!

Vinegar: Donovan bringing the score to a one/one tie, now, but he drops the stun gun and reaches up again.

Lieberjosch: He’s no fool, might as well grab two more and get the win while–

Vinegar: Kyra has the stun gun… oh no!

Lieberjosch: She discharged it into that metal ladder, sending all the volts through it and electrocuting Hastings!

Covert Jay: He’s stunned!

Vinegar: Stunned 15 feet in the air, and he falls!

Lieberjosch: Hastings pitches to the side and hits the mat in with a sickening thud, he’s not moving!

Vinegar: Johnson getting to her feet now, she rushes over and kicks the ladder, letting it fall on top of Rydell!

Lieberjosch: That breaks up Dave’s relentless attack on her partner, but she’s not done yet.

Vinegar: Kyra reaches through the rungs and drags Rydell’s arm through, then stomps down, sandwiching it between the sides of the ladder!

Covert Jay: And goes to work with that stun gun!!

Lieberjosch: Johnson the only one currently standing, but that ladder is bent out of shape.

Vinegar: She’s realized this as well, and she’s rolling out to get another.

Cover Jay: Ladder #2 coming in hot!

Lieberjosch: Kyra chucked it over the ropes!

Vinegar: And this one DOES land on Hastings!

Covert Jay: Payback!!

Vinegar: No, THAT was the payback!

Lieberjosch: Johnson springboarded into a BLACKOUT onto the ladder, crushing Hastings beneath!

Vinegar: Setting it up now, she’s about to put Baltimore Elite out in front again!

Lieberjosch: Rydell is up!!

Vinegar: He’s still holding onto that ruined ladder!

Lieberjosch: He rams it into Kyra, who was halfway up the ladder!

Vinegar: Johnson knocked off the ladder and into the ropes!

Lieberjosch: She bounces and lands on the outside!

Covert Jay: Up goes Rydell!

Vinegar: He’s got the staple gun! Dave and Donovan pull ahead!

Lieberjosch: He could grab another object and win it now.

Vinegar: Look out!

Covert Jay: Davison just leaped from the turnbuckle with the kendo stick and smacks Rydell off the ladder!!

Vinegar: Dave hits the mat hard, the staple gun bouncing away from him.

Lieberjosch: Ken lands in a crouch, then immediately turns to start climbing the ladder!

Vinegar: But there’s Hastings, he has the stapler!!

Lieberjosch: And he unleashes on Ken’s back!!

Vinegar: Donovan is slamming it over and over, driving those staples into Ken’s back!!

Lieberjosch: Davison can’t take it anymore, and he drops from the ladder.

Vinegar: But hits a JAWDROPPER on Hastings!

Lieberjosch: Incredibly, despite the obvious pain in his back, Ken is starting to climb again, but much more slowly this time.

Vinegar: TIP OF THE SPEAR FROM RYDELL!!!

Lieberjosch: Dave to his feet now, and he’s starting to climb.

Vinegar: This is it, we’re about to see brand new Cooperative Champions!

Lieberjosch: Rydell reaching for the handcuffs!

Vinegar: Kyra slides a ladder under the bottom rope, shoving it into the bottom of the ladder Dave is on!

Covert Jay: Ladder #3!

Lieberjosch: He hangs on as the ladder teeters, but it stays up.

Vinegar: Kyra in the ring now, and the handcuffs are out of reach.

Lieberjosch: She sets up her own ladder, and Dave takes a chance.

Vinegar: Diving elbow, but Kyra sidesteps!!

Lieberjosch: Rydell crashes into the mat!

Vinegar: Kyra begins to climb, desperate to at least tie this match up.

Lieberjosch: Hastings is right behind her!

Vinegar: He catches up… INEVITABILITY!!

Lieberjosch: Donovan now trying to muster the will to get back up after that massive drop from three quarters of the way up the ladder.

Vinegar: But here comes Ken!

Lieberjosch: He pulls Hastings into a shoulderbreaker, then a piledriver!

Vinegar: Up goes Davison!

Lieberjosch: He’s got the handcuffs!! They’re tied up!

Vinegar: He’s reaching for the bell…

Lieberjosch: Rydell runs up the opposite side of the ladder, firing staples from the staple gun!

Vinegar: Ken drops the handcuffs and covers his face to protect it from any further damage tonight.

Lieberjosch: He grabs for Dave, smashing his face into the top of the ladder and slapping the stapler away.

Vinegar: They’re trading swings up there, but it looks like Dave is getting the upper hand!

Lieberjosch: Kyra is climbing up behind Rydell!!

Vinegar: Hastings drags himself to his knees, but realizes that Johnson has handcuffed him to the bottom rope!

Lieberjosch: He yanks at the cuffs enraged, but he can’t even reach the ladder from there!

Vinegar: Kyra with another face smash into the ladder from behind, as Ken takes another step up and pulls Rydell up onto his shoulders.

Lieberjosch: NOOOOOOO!

Vinegar: JESUS TITTYFUCKING CHRIST!!

Covert Jay: FALL FROM GRACE OFF THE TOP OF THE LADDER!!!!

Lieberjosch: As Kyra completes the deadly lungblower from that height, Ken reaches up and grabs the bell, then slams it onto the top of the ladder, ringing it and signaling the end of the match himself!

Dennis: Your winners, and STILL UGWC Cooperative Champions, Ken and Kyra, BALTIMORRRRRRE ELLLLLLLLLITTTTTTTTEEEEE!!!

Vinegar: Paramedics rush into the ring as Ken collapses to the mat beside Kyra and Dave, and Hastings bellows for someone to release him

[UGWC Staff]

Covert Jay: Which one will fold first?

Lieberjosch: What?

Covert Jay: Who will fold first? Sebastian or Ragdoll?

Lieberjosch: Are we going to have to endure a match filled with table puns?

Covert Jay: That’s what’s in the cards!

Lieberjosch: Ugh.

Vinegar: Look at the bright side, Hans.

Lieberjosch: What bright side?

Vinegar: This is the co-main event.

Lieberjosch: I might not make it that far.

Covert Jay: You can always go for coffee!

Lieberjosch: Damn it...

Vinegar: The premise of this match is simple.

Covert Jay: And favors Ragdoll!

Lieberjosch: You assume so. I wouldn’t assume that Sebastian is at any disadvantage. Just because Sebastian has to put Miss Pierrot through three tables, doesn’t mean that those tables will be in the ring.

Vinegar: That’s an excellent point, Hans. This entire pay per view has been variations of hardore matches, and as such don’t require the action to stay in the ring.

Covert Jay: The match stipulation says “has to put an opponent through a table three times”.

Lieberjosch: Yeah? And?

Covert Jay: “Through a table”...

Lieberjosch: Right. It’s pretty clear.

Covert Jay: Is it?

Lieberjosch: Yes.

Covert Jay: You don’t seem to be getting it.

Vinegar: Nope. Think about it, Hans.

Lieberjosch: I get it. Three tables. What’s so hard about that?

Covert Jay: Well, the tables are pretty hard.

Lieberjosch: Ha ha.

Covert Jay: Just saying.

Vinegar: I think you’re still missing his larger point, Hans.

Lieberjosch: And that point is?

Covert Jay: What’re we sitting at, Doc?

Lieberjosch: Our announcers...fuck.

Covert Jay: Exactly.

Lieberjosch: Maybe we’ll get lucky.

Vinegar: Does that EVER happen? Has that EVER HAPPENED in the history of UGWC pay-per-views?

Lieberjosch: ... no.

Vinegar: Right.

Lieberjosch: I reiterate...I hate my life sometimes.

Vinegar: It could be worse.

Lieberjosch: How?

Vinegar: They could have to put YOU through a table three times.

Lieberjosch: Point taken, and don’t give Opie any ideas.

Covert Jay: Note...suggest “Put Hans through a Table Match” to Jet.

Lieberjosch: I hate you.

Vinegar: That amusing suggestion aside, this is an interesting matchup for a number of reasons. It can be said that Sebastian has had an interesting last six months where he seems to have plateaued a bit. Conversely, Ragdoll has been on quite a roll going back to last year.

Lieberjosch: Let’s not forget that Sebastian has branched out since last year. We’re not the only promotion he’s working for now.

Vinegar: That’s true. Sebastian has been a highly sought-after talent, and with good reason. He’s extremely talented, charismatic, highly marketable, articulate, visible on social media,

Covert Jay: Has a smoking hot girlfriend.

Vinegar: I was getting to that, although I wouldn’t have phrased it that way.

Covert Jay: But Sloane is smoking hot.

Vinegar: Yes, Jay. Sloane is a beautiful young woman. She’s also all of those things I just said about Sabastian. In addition, they’re both former UGWC World Champions. If Ragdoll were to beat Sebastian and retain the Cross-Hemisphere Championship, that’d be a hell of a tally in her ledger.

Covert Jay: Plus Sloane is smoking hot.

Lieberjosch: Yes, Sloane is a statuesque beauty, Jay. Can you move on from that?

Vinegar: While Jay is being crass about Sloane, she’s another connection between Sebastian and Ragdoll, who is one of the central members of “The Astro Creeps”. Remember that Radgoll is in a relationship with former Cross-Hemisphere Champion Tempest, who had a particularly violent feud with Sloane and referred to her as “The Final Girl”. Now we’re getting an inversion of that with this match.

Lieberjosch: It could set up a future conflict between Tempest and Sebastian if he beats
Ragdoll.

Vinegar: I think that if Sebastian beats Ragdoll that he could end up embroiled in a longer war of attrition with her. I don’t see her as the type to let it go if she loses.

Lieberjosch: That’s highly unlikely.

Vinegar: Who knows, Ragdoll could also go after Sloane to get even with Sebastian.

Lieberjosch: That wouldn’t surprise me.

Vinegar: It wouldn’t surprise me either. The other problem that Sebastian may have to contend with, is that IF he beats Ragdoll and IF she decides to declare a crusade against him over it, he’d have to contend with the entire “Astro Creeps” group. Sebastian might have to find some allies.

Covert Jay: He’ll have to put all of his cards on the table!

Lieberjosch: Sigh.

Vinegar: He’ll have Sloane, and I bet he’ll be able to find others to help him. The Creeps have made a lot of enemies, and even among those who they’re not “enemies” with, they’re not terribly well-liked.

Lieberjosch: The Creeps talk about themselves as if they’re at war with the roster anyway. People just don’t want to listen.

Vinegar: Sebastian can’t focus on that, or Ragdoll will run through him. I’m certain he knows that, but knowing and doing can often be radically different things.

Lieberjosch: You raise an excellent point.

Vinegar: Let’s get this car wreck going. Off we go to Mitchell!

Mitchell Dennis: Ladies and gentlemen, this match is for ONE FALL, and is a Triple Table Turmoil Match for the Cross-Hemisphere Championship. Introducing FIRST…



The lights in the arena dip to black in time with the sirens and beat to the opening of Sweatpants (BattleTapes Remix) by Childish Gambino, the lights then beginning to flash, alternating left and right onto the ramp. In time, the letters "S", "E", "B", and then "Empire" flash one at a time on the big screen until the lights stop flashing as the lyrics hit.

"She askin' “Why you say that?!”

The beat drops and the lights flash on the rampway again. As they do, the screen illuminates with "SEB" and then "EMPIRE" flashing on the sceen.

"Rich kid asshole, paint me as a villain"

Sebastian Everett-Bryce flings his arms wide, staring up with his head covered by the hood of his jacket. He stands in the middle of the ramp, the lights beating down on him, before looking out at the crowd. He wears a long jacket with the hood pulled up over his head, zipped to the waist. The jacket, which is cut away at the bottom and only runs down the back of his legs, is patterned with an elongated Union Flag, but it’s in black and white and appears to be cracked and broken. His tights are short, with the initials SEB emblazoned upon the front.

The lights lift, and SEB makes his way to the ring, stretching his neck from side to side as he walks, his eyes focused on the ring. He climbs up the steps and steps through the ropes before standing in the middle of the ring.

"I'm winnin', yeah, yeah, I'm winnin' (What?)
Rich kid, asshole, paint me as a villain"

He extends his arms once more before pulling back his hood and removing his jacket to reveal the back of his tights which read “S.E.B”

"Don't be mad cause I'm doing me better than you doing you
Better than you doing you, fuck it, what you gon' do? (What?!)"

He flashes his arms out to a side, a satisfied and somewhat sneery grin upon his face, he holds the position for a moment, to allow the crowd to take pictures, before moving towards his corner and unzipping his jacket.

Dennis: Standing in today at six feet, two inches tall and weighing in at two hundred and thirty eight pounds, he is the CHALLENGER… he is “The Chelsea Crippler”, Sebastian Everett-BRYYYYYYYYCEEEE the THIIRRRRRRRD!!!

Vinegar: Bryce hasn’t taken his eyes off of the entrance.

Lieberjosch: He looks focused. I imagine that he’s playing over his strategy in his mind.

Covert Jay: He’s having a little table talk with himself.

Lieberjosch: God dammit.

Vinegar: Let’s go back to the ring.

Dennis: Introducing the other participant in this match...



Lights out.

The first chords of 'Kill of the Night' rip access the arena. After the second screech, Jaclyn Pierrot struts from backstage, so smug, a smile plastered across her face. She pauses at the top of the ramp, surveying her terrain. Trevor and Tank walk out just behind her, arms folding across their chests.

'My cold desire
To hear the boom, boom, boom of your heart'

She mimes firing a gun with the lyrics, aimed at Sebastian the entire time. Jacky has an almost bouncing motion to her movements as she prowls towards the ring. Fans reach for her and yell at her, but she will mock them along the way. Anyone who gets too close is immediately
removed by her escort. When the music picks up, she slides in and will then proceed to pull herself into a turnbuckle in celebration of herself. Her bodyguards scan the crowd for any would-be attackers.

'I'm gonna catch ya
I'm gonna get ya, get ya'

She makes her way to the center ring where the lights will all fade to one downlight.

'You're my kill of the night.'

Dennis: Standing tonight at five-feet, inches tall and weighing one hundred and sixty eight pounds, she is the current REIGNING and DEFENDING UGWC Cross-Hemisphere Champion… she is The Clown Queen of the Astro Creeps... RAAAAAAGGGGGDOLLLLLLLL!!!!!

Lieberjosch: Again, I can’t help but wonder who Chartreuse pissed off to get this match assignment.

Vinegar: I think Bob likes messing with everyone and let’s be honest, there won’t be an “easy” assignment tonight.

Lieberjosch: You’re right, but this will probably be the worst because Ragdoll is in it.

Vinegar: That’s not an unfair statement.

Covert Jay: How many times do you think she’s going to ring his ta-bell?

Lieberjosch: Fuck my life.

Vinegar: Brian Chartreuse holds the Cross-Hemisphere Championship up and then hands it to Claude de Rhombus through the ropes. He calls for the bell and we’re off!

Lieberjosch: Ragdoll just cackled. I really hate it when she does that.

Vinegar: Sebastian didn’t look impressed.

Covert Jay: Even I find her a bit off-putting. It’s not that she’s not cute, but…how can I put this?

Lieberjosch: She’s a homicidal maniac who would gut you like a fish just for the fun of hearing you scream?

Covert Jay: That works.

Vinegar: Ragdoll walks up to Sebastian and…pats him on the face.

Covert Jay: Ohhhhkay…

Vinegar: Ragdoll slides out of the ring and disappears under the ring.

Covert Jay: That can’t be good.

Lieberjosch: You think?

Vinegar: Sebastian looks at Chartreuse, who just shrugs, then looks around the ring.

Covert Jay: A table just migrated to the ring. I didn’t know they could do that.

Lieberjosch: They can’t.

Covert Jay: Then how’d it get there? HUH DOC? HOW???

Lieberjosch: I really wonder how you’ve lived for this long…

Vinegar: Ragdoll slides back in and taps Sebastian on the shoulder, barely ducking a back elbow as he reflexively swings at the tap. He turns and goes to punch her, but she puts up both hands…

Lieberjosch: Is that a “stop” gesture?

Covert Jay: A two-handed stop gesture! It’s more powerful than a normal one!

Lieberjosch: What’d your parents do to you when you were a child to make you like this?

Vinegar: Seb looks a bit baffled by her behavior

Lieberjosch: Wouldn’t you be?

Vinegar: Chartreuse isn’t. He barely even blinked.

Lieberjosch: Of course not. He’s seen pretty much everything.

Vinegar: Ragdoll sets the table up, cackling the entire time.

Lieberjosch: Is she?

Vinegar: Yes.

Covert Jay: Maybe she doesn’t understand the rules of this match?

Lieberjosch: I’m confident that she does understand them…which makes her behavior all the more perplexing.

Vinegar: I don’t find anything she does “perplexing”. She’d have to be sane for her actions to perplex me.

Lieberjosch: That’s why you’re the best play-by-play guy in the business.

Vinegar: Thank you.

Lieberjosch: You’re welcome.

Vinegar: Ragdoll has set the table up and is...limbing the turnbuckle. What the hell is she doing?

Lieberjosch: Damned if I know.

Vinegar: Sebastian is watching her. This is such a bizarre way to start this match.

Covert Jay: She’s literally looking playing the crowd right now like she’s some kind of circus performer.

Lieberjosch: This might be the damndest thing I’ve ever seen in all of my time doing this...and I’ve seen a lot.

Vinegar: Ragdoll finishes playing the crowd, then does gun hands at Sebastian, “pulls the trigger”...

Covert Jay: I’ll be goddamned.

Lieberjosch: I’m not sure if that was strategically brilliant as a mind game, or the dumbest thing I’ve ever seen.

Vinegar: Sebastian wants to know if that counts.

Lieberjosch: Chartreuse looks more than a bit befuddled, but then clearly shakes his head “no” and explains that HE, Sebastian, has to do that to her.

Lieberjosch: So Ragdoll just put herself through a table for no reason.

Vinegar: No, I think she did it to prove to him that she’d not afraid of being put through a table.

Lieberjosch: I doubt anyone ever thought she was.

Vinegar: She just popped to her feet.

Covert Jay: And bowed. What the fuck...

Lieberjosch: Language, Jay.

Covert Jay: You’ve already sworn.

Lieberjosch: Yes, but I do it for dramatic emphasis. You do it because you’re an idiot with a limited vocabulary.

Vinegar: Sebastian just shook his head and asked her if she was done being unnecessarily dramatic yet.

Covert Jay: That wasn’t the response she was hoping for.

Lieberjosch: No kidding? Are you sure about that? Maybe she wanted Sebastian to shake it off like it was nothing.

Covert Jay: Why would she want that. That doesn’t make sense...

Lieberjosch: For fucks sake.

Covert Jay: You swore! No swearing!

Vinegar: After that, we now have a ruined table in the ring, which didn’t count towards the match stipulation because it was self-inflicted, and nothing has “officially” happened yet.

Lieberjosch: Truly bizarre.

Covert Jay: How bizarre. How bizarre. Oh Ragdoll (oh Ragdoll), you’re making me crazy.

Lieberjosch: Stop singing that idiotic song.

Vinegar: Ragdoll cackles again, drawing another tired look from Sebastian.

Covert Jay: She cray!

Lieberjosch: She goes out of her way to establish that narrative, so yes, she’s probably legit nuts.

Covert Jay: There goes the smile.

Lieberjosch: And just like that, “poof” and it’s gone.

Vinegar: Ragdoll launches herself at Sebastian with arms and legs flying.

Lieberjosch: She’s snarling and growling like a wild animal.

Covert Jay: She sorta reminds me of Aveline.

Lieberjosch: Aveline Lacklan was royalty. Ragdoll is a wild, rabid animal.

Vinegar: I’m not going to get into that, and at the moment Sebastian certainly doesn't care.

Lieberjosch: She’s currently dribbling his face off of the turnbuckle like a basketball, so I can see why that would be a distinction without a difference.

Vinegar: Ragdoll bounces Sebastian’s head off of the turnbuckle for what’s at least the fifteenth time, then watches with a sick grin as he staggers backward into the ring. Ragdoll leaps up onto the turnbuckle, springs off, and comes down with a knee strike which catches Sebastian square in the nose.

Covert Jay: Did you hear that crack?

Lieberjosch: She may have broken his nose.

Vinegar: If she hasn’t, she’ll make sure that it’s broken when she’s done.

Covert Jay: Sebastian just wiped the blood off of his face with the back of his hand, looked at it unimpressed and flung it to the mat like a badass.

Lieberjosch: He can’t show weakness. He knows that Ragdoll will feed on that.

Vinegar: Ragdoll leaps up, bounces off of the turnbuckles like they’re the ropes and launches herself at Sebastian.

Lieberjosch: Nice use of momentum there.

Covert Jay: Has she landed yet?

Lieberjosch: I don’t know. That was one hell of an overhead release suplex. It was a phenomenal counter.

Vinegar: Ragdoll violently crashes into the floor outside of the ring and lays there in a heap. Sebastian checks his nose again and walks to the ropes, then drops to the floor.

Covert Jay: Ow!

Lieberjosch: That’s one way to level the playing field.

Vinegar: I’m not sure that’s illegal since she used her head.

Lieberjosch: It was more of a battering ram than a low blow, but the outcome is the same. Sebastian is down to one knee on the floor.

Vinegar: Ragdoll leaps up onto the apron and springs off.

Covert Jay: It’s like that suplex had no effect on her!

Lieberjosch: She wouldn’t show it if it did! She’s going to make Sebastian beat her into the canvas to beat her.

Vinegar: Shotgun dropkick!

Covert Jay: It launched Sebastian into the stairs!

Lieberjosch: He hit really hard and his head whipped back.

Vinegar: I’m not sure if it hit the steps or not, but between the force of the kick and the impact on the steps, it probably doesn’t matter to him.

Lieberjosch: His eyes are glazed over.

Covert Jay: She’s climbing the opposite steps…

Vinegar: Leaping shotgun dropkick!

Covert Jay: VANNNNN TERMIIIIINAAATOOORRRRR!!!

Lieberjosch: What the hell are you talking about?

Vinegar: Whatever you call it, it viciously slammed Sebastian’s head into the steps! Ragdoll rolls backward away and away from Sebastian and pops to her feet as Sebastian slumps forward.

Covert Jay: She’s going under the ring. This is going to be bad. Maybe she’s going for a table!

Lieberjosch: That would make sense, Jay since the point of this is putting your opponent through three of them.

Vinegar: Ragdoll does indeed pull a table out and set it up at ringside. She goes over to Sebastian and tries to pull him up, but he’s dead weight in her hands. She struggles to get him over to the table but is struggling to move him.

Covert Jay: She’s going to have to get creative.

Lieberjosch: I don’t foresee that being a problem.

Vinegar: She slides the table into the ring and looks back as Sebastian begins to stir by the remains of the ring steps.

Covert Jay: She’s smiling again.

Lieberjosch: Get used to it, Jay. That…unnerving smile is going to be on her face for most of this match.

Covert Jay: She’s just slid another table out and is setting it up…upside down?

Lieberjosch: Indeed. She’s opened it upside down from the ring apron on the barrier.

Covert Jay: With the legs up!

Vinegar: She drives a kick into Sebastian’s face, sending him down to one knee.

Lieberjosch: Seb slides into the ring to try and get some separation.

Covert Jay: He still looks incredibly dazed.

Vinegar: Sebastian gets back to his feet and stumbles across the ring.

Covert Jay: He’s heading in the wrong direction!

Lieberjosch: It’s not the wrong direction for Ragdoll. He’s going exactly where she wants him to.

Vinegar: Ragdoll slides in and cackles wildly, then bolts across the ring, bounces off of the ropes and launches herself at Sebastian!

Covert Jay: Alley oop!

LIeberjosch: What a crash!

Covert Jay: Who went through first?

Vinegar: I can’t tell!

Lieberjosch: I hope Chartreuse could.

Vinegar: Chartreuse slides from the ring and points at Ragdoll! Let’s take a look at the review!

Lieberjosch: Ragdoll threw herself at Sebastian and sent them both over.

Covert Jay: My god!

Lieberjosch: We might need to get a medic out here!

Vinegar: Sebastian went through the table first!

Lieberjosch: Head first!

Covert Jay: The BACK of his head!

Vinegar: Ragdoll is now up one to nothing on Sebastian!

Covert Jay: She immediately goes for another table and leans it up against the wall!

Lieberjosch: She’s pulling Sebastian up!

Vinegar: She drags Sebastian up and lays him against the table. He slumps down to the floor.

Covert Jay: Is she…pouting?

Lieberjosch: She definitely stomped her foot indignantly.

Vinegar: She pulls him back up into a headlock, walking him back a few steps.

Covert Jay: Sebastian is going to have a short night!

Lieberjosch: She starts to back up towards the table. It looks like she’s going to try and DDT him through it head first.

Vinegar: Sebastian’s head springs up! He wraps her around the waist and turns!

Covert Jay: Goddamn!

Lieberjosch: That’s going to slow her down a bit.

Vinegar: She slumps down to the floor in a heap as Sebastian drops to one knee and tries to shake his head clear. Ragdoll arches her back in pain as Sebastian uses the apron to pull himself up.

Covert Jay: She’s chuckling again.

Lieberjosch: She’s also back to her feet.

Vinegar: She looks a little wobbly.

Lieberjosch: You would too if someone had just bounced your spine off of a dense metal pole.

Vinegar: Sebastian backs up a few steps, eyeing Ragdoll as she staggers across the floor.

Covert Jay: She’s in front of the table!

Lieberjosch: Sebastian takes off running!

Covert Jay: Damn!

Lieberjosch: That had the desired effect.

Vinegar: Sebastian demolishes the table, driving Ragdoll through it with a thunderous “Empire Kick”!

Lieberjosch: Now they’re both down and the match is tied one to one.

Covert Jay: And we have an unbroken table in the ring.

Vinegar: We’re back to zero now. The match is tied and both of them are down.

Covert Jay: The next one to put the other through a table will likely win!

Lieberjosch: There’s that deeply insightful commentary that we count on you for.

Covert Jay: You want to ring my ta-bell right now, don’t you?

Lieberjosch: God, I hate you.

Vinegar: Both entertainment professionals are slowly trying to get to their feet.

Lieberjosch: They’re both disoriented. They’re moving away from the ring.

Vinegar: I don’t think the match stipulation says anything about having to put their opponent through the third table near the ring.

Lieberjosch: No, it does not. That’s an excellent observation, Nicholas.

Covert Jay: They’re almost at the ramp.

Vinegar: They reach the base of the ramp and resort to throwing haymakers at each other.

Lieberjosch: Ragdoll doesn’t want to go blow for blow with Sebastian. She gives up too much size and raw power that way.

Vinegar: Ragdoll makes a wild swing, but Sabastain blocks it and spins her around into a head and arm hold.

Lieberjosch: Suplex onto the ramp!

Vinegar: Sebastian gets to his feet, pulls Ragdoll up and slams her down onto the ramp again with a snap suplex.

Covert Jay: He rolls through!

Vinegar: He pulls Ragdoll up again and holds her high overhead!

Covert Jay: This is really going to hurt when she lands!

Lieberjosch: I can’t quite tell, but based on Sebastian’s reaction, it looks like she’s BITING him!

Covert Jay: Going down!

Vinegar: Ragdoll slams down hard onto the ramp, taking the full brunt of that standing vertical suplex!

Lieberjosch: Sebastian’s using the environment well.

Covert Jay: He has her wrapped up in a standing headlock as he drags her up the ramp.

Lieberjosch: I’m not sure what he has in mind, but if he’s successful with it, it could completely turn the match in his favor.

Covert Jay: He hoists her up!

Vinegar: Brainbuster onto the stage!

Covert Jay: He’s dropped to a knee!

Lieberjosch: I see blood coming from his nose. Ragdoll may have done more damage than we initially realized.

Vinegar: Chartreuse runs up to check on him, but Sebastian insists that he’s OK. He staggers over to Ragdoll, who hasn’t moved and pulls her up by her head.

Covert Jay: He’s backing up towards the edge of the stage!

Lieberjosch: That’s going to be an unpleasant drop.

Vinegar: He looks over the edge and pulls Ragdoll up into what looks like a facelock suplex.

Covert Jay: Holy flergin schnitt!

Lieberjosch: What? Those aren’t even words!

Covert Jay: “Holy” is.

Lieberjosch: Why can’t you choke to death on a Nacho?

Vinegar: Take a breath, Doc.

Lieberjosch: I really, really can’t stand him.

Vinegar: Sebastian leaped backward off of the stage and drove Ragdoll head-first through the equipment table with an implant DDT! Chartreuse runs up and checks on both of them then points down at Sebastian to signify that he’s up 2-1 on Ragdoll.

Covert Jay: Things aren’t looking good for the Cross-Hemisphere Champion!

Lieberjosch: The match is far, far from over. That drop through the table didn’t do either of them any favors.

Vinegar: I have no idea how, but Sebastian is already stirring as he rolls off of the disaster that used to be our stageside equipment table and onto the floor.

Covert Jay: Ragdoll hasn’t moved.

Vinegar: Sebastian is slowly getting to his feet. He looks over at Ragdoll to see that she still hasn’t moved and stumbles a few feet away, holding his lower back.

Lieberjosch: It looks like it might be cramping up.

Covert Jay: Ohhh boy…

Lieberjosch: What?

Vinegar: Ragdoll’s hand just shot up like Frankenstein’s monster rising to life!

Covert Jay: Sebastian looks shocked!

Lieberjosch: He looks annoyed, but he definitely knows that he needs to do that one more time to win.

Vinegar: Ragdoll is dragging herself from the wreckage like something out of a horror movie!

Covert Jay: Does she ever stop laughing? Why is she always LAUGHING??!!

Lieberjosch: Because she’s fucking nuts.

Vinegar: Inelegantly phrased, yet absolutely correct.

Lieberjosch: They can’t all be Shakespeare.

Vinegar: Sebastian looks at her and shakes his head, then turns and strides through the curtain into the backstage area. Ragdoll pulls herself along the floor, stalking behind him.

Covert Jay: She genuinely terrifies me.

Vinegar: Sebastian leads her through the backstage area.

Covert Jay: There are plenty of tables there he could use.

Lieberjosch: I’m certain that he has a plan.

Vinegar: He walks through the equipment area and turns.

Covert Jay: Straight into catering.

Lieberjosch: This is an inauspicious moment. What perfidy awaits our favorite confectionery pleasures and assorted culinary pleasures?

Vinegar: Nice recovery.

Lieberjosch: Thank you.

Vinegar: Sebastian stops in front of one of our catering table and squares up to Ragdoll as she slinks up the wall like a demon from the underworld as she turns her head and levels a truly deranged smile at him.

Covert Jay: Are they where I think they are?

Lieberjosch: It looks like it.

Covert Jay: Please don’t destroy them!

Vinegar: Here she comes!

Lieberjosch: Blitzkrieg Jackie!

Vinegar: Ragdoll blitzes at Sebastian, skittering along the ground with disturbing speed. Sebastian awaits her in a crouch. She finally launches herself at him. He catches her and throws her up, looking for either a suplex or some kind of overhead powerbomb. Ragdoll twists in mid air, catching him off guard!

Covert Jay: NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!

Lieberjosch: That was impressive agility, especially from someone who’s recently been dumped off of a stage onto her head!

Vinegar: Ragdoll tucks herself into a ball and crashes down into Sebastian! The impact drives him through the Taco Table and sends delicious taco parts exploding everywhere!

Covert Jay: The salsa bowl! Someone save the salsa bowl!

Lieberjosch: I enjoy watching you suffer!

Vinegar: Chartreuse runs over and points at Ragdoll, signifying that Ragdoll takes this fall and the match is now tied at two!

Covert Jay: Where’s the salsa bowl?

Vinegar: Ragdoll pulls herself off of the table, then grabs Sabastian and drags him from the wreckage.

Lieberjosch: Ol’ Bob just walked to the concession table and he appears rather put out that the taco table has been laid low.

Covert Jay: Oh shit!

Lieberjosch: That’s going to make him even angrier!

Vinegar: I’m glad we’re out here.

Covert Jay: The SALS.NA...OOOOOOOO!!!!!!

Lieberjosch: Cue Bob going ballistic in 5…

Vinegar: Meanwhile, Ragdoll drags Sebastian through the arena out into the concession area. She backs up a few steps and waits for him to stir…

Lieberjosch: He’d be better staying flat on the ground.

Vinegar: Ragdoll charges at him!

Covert Jay: Ninjaaaaaaa!!!

Lieberjosch: He was playing possum!

Vinegar: Sebastian dodges her attempted punt kick, kips up to his feet and blasts Ragdoll with a particularly snug-looking superkick! Ragdoll stumbles backward and Sebastian hits her with a second one! She crashes into the wall and Sebastian charges at her! Ragdoll slams into the wall and slumps downward. Sebastian pulls her up onto his shoulders and walks over to the t-shirt stand!

Covert Jay: Could we be seeing the move that crowns a new Cross-Hemisphere Champion?

Vinegar: He whips her up and over!

Covert Jay: NO!

Lieberjosch: Eye rake by Ragdoll!

Vinegar: Ragdoll lands on her feet behind the table and promptly launches herself over it at him. She drives him out through the backstage area and down the hallway into the stands!

Lieberjosch: She’s shoving him straight down the stairs!

Covert Jay: They’re almost to the railing!

Lieberjosch: If they go over that, they’re both going to the hospital!

Vinegar: Here they come! Someone stop them!

Covert Jay: They’re almost to the railing!

Lieberjosch: They tumble over it at the same time, disappearing from view!

Covert Jay: FUCK ME RUNNING!!!

Lieberjosch: Language, Jay.

Vinegar: The two toppled over the railing and crashed into an oddly and conveniently placed table stack!

Lieberjosch: Where the hell did THAT come from?

Vinegar: I have NO idea, but Brian Chartreuse is signaling that the match is over as the two competitors are swarmed by UGWC Officials as they lay among the shattered ruins of that table stack!

Lieberjosch: Chartreuse points down at one of the competitors, then runs back towards the ring.

Covert Jay: Who won? I can’t stand the suspense!

Lieberjosch: You’re going to have to!

Vinegar: He’s almost there and Mitchell stands waiting at the wall!

Lieberjosch: We’re almost there!

Covert Jay: Chartreuse gets to the wall and tells Mitchell who the winner is!

Lieberjosch: He didn’t stay there for long!

Vinegar: Mitchell has entered the ring! He’s about to make the announcement!

Lieberjosch: Shut up, Jay!

Covert Jay: I didn’t say anything!

Lieberjosch: Shut up anyway!

Dennis: Ladies and gentlemen, your WINNER and STIIIIIIIIIIIIIIL UGWC CROSS-HEMISPHERE CHAMPION…THE RAAAAAGDOLLLLLLLLL!!!!!

Vinegar: Holy shit what a mess! Ragdoll retains after a hellish battle with Sebastian Everett-Bryce the Third.

Covert Jay: And the appearance of a convenient table stack.

Vinegar: That too. I’m sure that Management will want to get to the bottom of that.

Lieberjosch: It was weird, but it worked to Ms. Pierrot’s advantage as she remains the Cross-Hemisphere Champion.

Vinegar: The MAIN EVENT is NEXT as Montague Cervantes faces reigning World Champion Centurion in the FIRST EVER “Maniacal Multiple Massacre” match for the World Championship!

[UGWC Staff]

Vinegar: What a wild and crazy night it has been here in Calgary!

Lieberjosch: We’ve had tables, ladders, chairs, and more musical instruments than a marching band, but it’s time now for a match that should be crazier than all of them, Multiple Maniacal Massacre!

Vinegar: Tonight’s event is called Ever Escalating Endangerment, and everything is certainly escalating in this final match, there’s going to be a lot going on!

Covert Jay: To win this match, you need to put your opponent through two tables, put your opponent in a straight jacket, hit them in the head with a bat while they are wearing a bucket, and retrieve an object hanging above the ring!

Vinegar: The first person to do all the tasks that Jay just listed will be declared the winner.

The sound of a winding filmstrip can be heard as the arena is bathed in dim sepia light. A trumpet sounds accompanied by a spotlight emanating from the curtain. It backlights a man in a top hat, with a cane slung over his left shoulder. As a tinny voice begins to sing, the silhouetted figure moves along with the directions of the lyrics.

As you can see

I go back and forth

That's right

Side to side

Back and forth

Back and forth

Back and side to side

The music picks up some energy right as the spotlight switches to shine from the rafters, illuminating the grinning face of Montague Cervantes dressed in an elaborate jacket and a jauntily-cocked top hat. When the auto-tuned verse begins, "Listen to me, Listen to me" he starts making his way toward the ring, turning, flourishing, bowing, and two stepping along with the music.

Dennis: The following contest is a MANIACAL MULTIPLE MASSACRE MATCH for the World Heavyweight Championship! Introducing first, the challenger! Representing the AstroCreeps, the Doctor-Professor…MONNNNNTAGGGUEEEE CERRRVANNNNTESSSSSS!!!

Vinegar: Cervantes earned this opportunity by winning the Global Challenge last month at Infinity!

Lieberjosch: Already a 2-Time Chaos Champion, and as you just said, current holder of the Global Challenge Key, Cervantes absolutely one of the fastest rising stars in the industry today.

Covert Jay: And with that extensive chaos division experience, likely to feel right at home in the maniacal conditions he is about to compete in.

"You're Gonna Go Far Kid" hits, immediately causing a pop from the crowd. Centurion steps out from the back and stands on top of the rampway, looking into the crowd and giving off one of his trademark smiles.

Dennis: And his opponent…he is the reigning AND defending UGWC World Heavyweight Champion…CENNNNTURRRRIIOOONNNN!!!!

The crowd pops again as Centurion walks down the rampway, pointing to some fans in the aisle along the way. He steps up the ring steps and holds his arms out, turning toward the crowd one last time before wiping his feet off on the apron and stepping into the ring.

Vinegar: Centurion started 2022 literally the best way possible, cashing in the Conquest Title for a shot at the World Heavyweight Championship, and boy did he make the most of that opportunity, beating the 6-Time World Champion Donovan Hastings on the first Synergy of the year!

Covert Jay: And not only that, he beat Hastings in a rematch at Infinity, in fact he made the legend tap out!

Lieberjosch: But can he keep that going against an opponent that just might be hungrier than he was? We’re about to find out!

DING DING!!

Vinegar: Centurion in the ring and staring up at the bat and bucket hanging twenty feet above his head, as Glenn Burke rings the bell and this awaited contest begins.

Covert Jay: Centurion attacks right away with a series of forearm shots, backing the challenger into the ropes.

Vinegar: Cervantes whipped off the far ropes and Centurion knocks him to the mat with a dropkick.

Lieberjosch: Centurion waits as Cervantes gets to his feet and then goes for another dropkick, but Cervantes ducks it with impressive flourish before knocking the champion to the mat with a spinning backfist.

Vinegar: Cervantes lifts Centurion up and whips him into the corner. He charges after him but Centurion moves out of the way, only for Cervantes to run up the turnbuckles and explode back with a backflip kick.

Lieberjosch: And the Showman springs to his feet with another mighty flourish!

Vinegar: It’s going to take more than fanciness to win this match, which the challenger well knows as he rolls out of the ring and grabs a ladder, bringing it back into the ring.

Lieberjosch: Cervantes gets back in and holds the ladder, waiting for Centurion to get up, the champion slowly gets to his feet and Cervantes nails him with the ladder sending him back to the mat!

Vinegar: Cervantes sets up the ladder in the center of the ring and begins to climb but Centurion grabs onto his ankle. Cervantes tries to kick him off but Centurion spins and trips Cervantes down to the mat with a dragon screw!

Lieberjosch: Centurion rolls over and then locks in an ankelock!

Covert Jay: A wise ninja knows that an opponent with an injured ankle will have difficulty climbing!

Vinegar: Cervantes is visibly in pain, and Centurion continues to pull back on the hold in hopes of incapacitating Cervantes. He finally breaks the hold and grabs the ladder and sets it up in the corner.

Lieberjosch: Centurion lifts up Cervantes and whips him into the corner, slamming into the ladder!

Covert Jay: Centurion goes for a corner splash but Cervantes sidesteps him and Centurion flies into the ladder himself!

Vinegar: Cervantes comes up behind him and plants him with a reverse DDT.

Covert Jay: Cervantes goes up to the top rope where the ladder is still set up. He grabs onto the ladder and pushes off and the ladder descends to the mat and slams down on top of Centurion's chest!

Vinegar: Centurion is in pain, but Cervantes winces a bit, we’re setting the replay now and it looks as though Cervantes had to use his left hand. He slides out of the ring and grabs another ladder.

Lieberjosch: Cervantes sets one ladder up perpendicular across the other, and then drags Centurion over and puts his head right over the ladder.

Covert Jay: The Doctor-Professor goes to the top rope and leaps off landing right on the ladder causing it to slam up right into Centurion's jaw!

Vinegar: Centurion rolls out of the ring but Cervantes follows right behind him, clearly intent on taking the champion out of this match early, as Cervantes reaches under the ring and pulls out a table.

Lieberjosch: He’s got to put him through two, may as well start checking off the list!

Vinegar: Cervantes sets the table up outside the ring and picks up Centurion, trying to position him, but shoves Cervantes into the ring post!

Covert Jay: He lifts Cervantes and drops him on the barrier and climbs up to the apron. He leaps off and hits a missile dropkick onto the back of Cervantes's head, all the way from the apron to the barricade!

Vinegar: Centurion brings a table into the ring and sets it up, now sets up a ladder in the corner as he is displaying his talents as an interior decorator.

Lieberjosch: Cervantes rolling back into the ring, Centurion goes to deliver a kick, but Cervantes grabs his leg. Centurion tries for an enziguiri but Cervantes ducks it and then locks in an anklelock!

Vinegar: Centurion cries out but grabs hold of the ropes, he uses the leverage of the ropes to spin and kick Cervantes in the face, breaking the hold.

Lieberjosch: Centurion gets up and swings for a clothesline, but Cervantes ducks it, then reaches back and hits a neckbreaker.

Vinegar: Cervantes pushes Centurion onto the table, then goes to the top rope where the ladder is still set up and looks down at Centurion.

Covert Jay: Cervantes leaps over the ladder and hits a leg drop, driving Centurion right through the table!

Lieberjosch: That’s one!

Vinegar: Cervantes slowly gets to his feet and sets up the ladder in the center of the ring. He begins to climb and Centurion gets up quickly.

Lieberjosch: Cervantes is at the top and reaches for the bucket and has it in his hand but Centurion knocks the ladder away!

Vinegar: Cervantes holds onto the bucket but has nothing to stand on!

Covert Jay: Centurion frantically grabs a ladder and hits Cervantes in the back causing him to fall to the mat!

Lieberjosch: Cervantes lands with a thud, but he is still holding the bucket!

Vinegar: Cervantes takes another step closer to victory! He already has Centurion through one table, now he’s successfully retrieved a hanging item!

Lieberjosch: Centurion repositions the ladder and begins to climb, and Cervantes looks to be in pain, slowly getting up with a noticeable limp, and he climbs to the top rope.

Vinegar: Cervantes is almost to the top but Cervantes leaps off and hits him with a missile dropkick knocking him from the ladder! Both men are down!

Lieberjosch: Cervantes and Centurion both crawl towards the ladder and climb each rung almost simultaneously.

Vinegar: They reach the top at the same time, exchanging blows!

Covert Jay: Cervantes grabs Centurion and slams his head against the top of the ladder and he is going to bulldog Centurion off the ladder, but Centurion shoves him away, and Cervantes soars off the ladder over the ropes and crashing through a table at ringside, as Centurion falls back to the mat!

Lieberjosch: And Centurion gets a leg up, but he still has to put Cervantes through another table!

Vinegar: Both men are down again. Centurion starts to get up, Cervantes hasn’t shown any life yet, Centurion points up to the hanging bat, stabilizes the ladder and starts to climb, and he reaches the top and takes down the weapon!

Lieberjosch: Centurion stands on the top of the ladder and holds up the bat to the approval of these fans, horrible decision to look for approval at a time like this, and he’s about to pay for it because Cervantes is back up, and he dropkicks the ladder out from under Centurion!

Vinegar: He falls to the mat, and the bat bounces away, and Cervantes picks it up. Centurion landed in front of the bucket! Cervantes kicks the bucket onto Centurion’s head, then smashes the bat right on it!

Lieberjosch: Cervantes just scrambled Centurion’s brains with that shot, and it could be academic from this point forward!

Vinegar: Cervantes kicks the helmet off and away, then tosses the bat and retrieves the straight jacket from ringside. He goes back into the ring and ties the limp Centurion up in the jacket!

Lieberjosch: He’s rapid-fire checking items off the list now!

Vinegar: Cervantes gets another table and sets it up in the ring, but as he turns back to Centurion, Centurion takes him down with a drop toe hold, and Centurion has popped his shoulder out of place and he escapes the jacket!

Covert Jay: An escape that any ninja would be proud of!

Vinegar: Centurion slips the jacket off and painfully pops the shoulder back into place, and as Cervantes tries to get back up, but Centurion lifts him into the 1000 Mile Slam!

Lieberjosch: Centurion holds his shoulder a moment, shrugs it off as he grabs the jacket, and he ties Cervantes up inside it!

Covert Jay: Centurion not done yet, as he pulls Cervantes up and hurls him over the top rope, sending him crashing through a table at ringside!

Vinegar: And with that sequence, Centurion checks off another two goals! All he has left to do it put the bucket on Cervantes’s head, hit him with the bat, pin him, and it’s over!

Lieberjosch: But Cervantes can still win if he puts Centurion through another table!

Covert Jay: Hard to do when you’re trapped in a straight jacket!

Vinegar: Centurion retrieves the bat and bucket and throws them back into the ring. He pulls Cervantes out from the shards of the table and rolls him back in.

Lieberjosch: Wait a second! The shards of the table cut the jacket! Cervantes is loose, and I don’t think Centurion realizes it, because Cervantes is holding his arms in place as though he was still trapped!

Vinegar: Centurion stands the woozy Cervantes upright and puts the bucket on his head, but as he swings the bat Cervantes ducks and knees him in the chest, then connects with a crescent kick!


Lieberjosch: Cervantes throws the bucket away, snatches up the bat and drills the unprotected Centurion with it!

Vinegar: Now he gets Centurion onto the table that’s still set up in the ring, props himself up onto the second rope and leaps into the air!

Lieberjosch: BIG FINISH!!!!

Vinegar: A modified Big Finish drives Centurion through the table!

Lieberjosch: That’s it!!!

Dennis: Here is your winner, and the NEW World Heavyweight Champion…MONNNNTAGGGUUEEE CERRRRRVANNNNNTTTEEEEESSSSSS!!!!

Lieberjosch: Cervantes did it!

Covert Jay: The dark day that Deimos predicted has come!

Vinegar: Montague Cervantes is the new World Heavyweight Champion!

Lieberjosch: Burke handing the World Championship over to the obviously ecstatic Montague and...

The lights suddenly dim.

Vinegar: Here comes the Cross-Hemisphere Champion, Ragdoll!!

Lieberjosch: She seems to be pursued by an army of shadows?

Covert Jay: She's leading the AstroCreeps out in force!

Vinegar: As the lights slowly return to normal, the Cabinet of OutCasts, Red Triangle Gang, Daedalus, Jordana, Kosner, and various other associates of the new World Champion are streaming into the ring to surround and celebrate the Showman's victory. It's a dark day in UGWC.

Lieberjosch: Don't be such a downer. He's worked hard to get here, the AstroCreeps are fully in control, and they've earned this moment.

Vinegar: Oh… my… god… Just when we thought it couldn’t get any worse!

The lights dim, revealing just a spotlight at the entrance. After a few seconds, Tempest appears. He gazes out almost lifelessly behind his mask, before walking down to the ring. The Astro Creeps greet him with silent obedience. Ragdoll watches him excitedly as he rolls into the ring. When he stands the two embrace, Ragdoll cackling and popping one leg dramatically.

Tempest and Jacky break their embrace and Tempest turns to Montague, his eyes locked on his newly won championship. Silently, he nods, and one of the shadowy Creeps hands him a microphone as his music fades. For the first time in 3 months, the Spider King speaks.

Tempest: Can you count, suckas?

He nearly whispers it into the microphone. His eyes dance between Montague and Jacky.

Tempest: I say… the present… is ours. If you can count.

Several Creeps nod and cheer in approval. Montague and Jacky keep their eyes set on Tempest.

Tempest: For a long time, they all said you couldn’t be me. The High Societies said you couldn’t measure up to what I am. You see… the High Societies think there’s only one type of monster that exists. They fail to understand, the evolution…

He gazes at Ragdoll, placing an appreciative hand on the faceplate of the Cross Hemisphere Championship. He smiles at her grateful eyes as tears well up in them, before bringing a finger to her cheek and caressing it.

Tempest: …of true Creeps.

He shifts his gaze back to Montague, placing a hand on the faceplate of the World Championship belt.

Tempest: They fail to recognize that they’ve fallen… right into our plan. As they always have.

He keeps his eyes locked on Montague.

Tempest: They’re so afraid to admit when they’re wrong. And they’re so painfully obtuse to understand… neither of you are intended to be me, or be like me. The shadow I’ve created, it doesn’t loom over my fellow Creeps. It looms over them.

He points a dirty finger towards the entrance.

Tempest: And for the last three months, Montague and Jaclyn have solidified that.

He turns towards the entrance now, gazing beyond its curtains to everyone in the back.

Tempest: As painful as it is for all of you to admit.

Tempest holds a deadly gaze toward the stage for a full minute before speaking again.

Tempest: But, this is not my moment.

He turns to look at Tragedia del'Arte.

Tempest: It's yours.

With that, he passes the microphone to Ragdoll and steps aside.

Ragdoll: Dreams do come true. Say hello to the bad guys!!

She passes the mic to Montague.

Montague: If you're upset right now, just close your eyes and repeat to yourself, "It's all part of the show. It's all part of the show "

With those chilling words, Ever Escalating Endangerment closes on the AstroCreeps in control.

[UGWC Staff]

Credits

GFX
Mike

Chair Clanging Chaos
Cory

Big Band Bash
Dave

Ludicrous Ladder Lunacy
B

Triple Table Turmoil
Ad

Maniacal Multiple Massacre
Steve

[wwjbcd]

I'm gonna be live in a sec here, kids!

[wwjbcd]

[wwjbcd]

We're gonna go live to right some wrongs from last night!