Sentinel 5/04/09 Results

[T-Robosaurus Rex]

Hanson: It’s time, Ladies and Gentlemen All Aboard for...The HAAANSOON TRAAAIIIN!!!

Vinegar: Oh Dear lord. Why do I ever think it’ll be any different?

Hanson: Because you’re a fool, just like Dredd. Who goes up against T-Rob just ‘cause a penguin told them so.

Vinegar: Well, he’s getting himself a number 1 contenders spot in the process...

Hanson: One against the true Lord Chief Nigga of GIW, so one he has no chance of winning.

Vinegar: Maybe we could just focus on something other than Travis Roberts, maybe for five minutes at least?

Hanson: And what purpose would that serve? Wait is there something you’re not telling me, did that new guy Jack Frozt get anally assaulted by a drunken ostrich? If so have we got footage...

Vinegar: Why do you say that...

Hanson: That guy has no-show written all over him...you telling me that their match is about to go ahead as usual?

Vinegar: Well I haven’t been informed of any changes to the card...

Dennis is in the ring awaiting the first match up, and a backstage runner comes out and hands him a card.

Dennis: Ladies and Gentlemen, thank you for joining us tonight, due to unforeseen circumstances involving an Ostrich, a brewery and Jack Frozt, and the unknown whereabouts of Tim Kingsley, the first match scheduled on tonights card shall not go ahead.

Vinegar: Well whilst the sound guys get the music cues ready, luckily we have a pre-recorded segment to fill the time...

Hanson: Please....Please...PLEASE! Let it be the Ostriches!

The scene opens in the car park of the GIW arena, and Hanson lets out an almighty groan, before a car approaches.

It took all her doing but Chassie made it. She shuts her car door and grabs her bag, heading into the arena. Before long she reached her room. Shutting the door behind her she set her stuff down. Just as she pulled her golden tresses out of the bun they were pinned up in, there is a knock on the door. She rolls her eyes and opens it. Roxy Malone stands there, looking adorable. Chassie tilts her head to the side, just a bit, the blond curls falling over her shoulders and framing her face.)

Chassie: Help you? Or are you lost?

Roxy: Not lost, I actually wanted to talk to you about your match. Would you actually have cancelled had your daughter not been alright?

Chassie: Give me that (She takes the mic) and go over there.

She points to a random corner and then starts to speak

Chassie: Crimson, don't worry love, you'll get your chance to fight me and judging from your intensity in the ring we'll make for quite a show. See, something I like about you is your ring attitude. You go in, you fight, and you either come away with a win or not. Either way don't matter. I can respect that. I also can respect that you will pull no punches out there. Now, My daughter is at home waiting for our match, and you better believe I'm going to hold up to my end of the bargain by giving her one hell of a show. So I'll see you out there love.

She tosses the mic in Roxy's general direction and closes the door. Before she finishes getting ready she dials her brother's number. No answer. She sighs, flipping the phone shut. And the camera returns to ringside.

Hanson: She might not be my kinda woman...

Vinegar: You don’t like older women.

Hanson: I like Yo Momma! But that’s beside the point, what I was going to say is Chassie Fear is growing into a really impressive force,...

Vinegar: I’m still not sure what to think, but we’ll get some more insight into her personality soon, as apparently the Crimson Ghost vs Chassie fear Match has been brought forward...so maybe we’ll be closer to knowing whether Chassie Fear is a good ‘ole fashioned American mother, or a raging psychotic with violent tendancies, like her adopted family, The Covenant...

Hanson: Why can’t she be both?

The lights cut to black and red and white strobe lights alternate in beat with the rapid music as “Cyanide Sweet Tooth Suicide” Starts to play. Chassie walks swiftly onto the stage, looking at the people for a moment, then as the lyrics hit she descends the ramp, breaking into a run about halfway down. When she reaches the ring she jumps, grabbing the top rope and springing herself up, flipping in the air and landing on her feet.

Dennis: introducing first, CHAAAAASIE FEEEEEEEEAR!!!!

Hanson: Ooooh, a cut and pasted entrance, does that mean...

Vinegar: I’m afraid so...

Hanson: w00t! Recap time!

The lights black out, then strobe with a red tint at roughly 4 beats per second. Then the chorus to Crimson Ghost kicks in-NEVER GONNA CATCH ME NEVER GONNA CATCH ME NEVER GONNA CATCH ME I'M THE CRIMSON GHOOOST!!!-, and Crimson Ghost runs out, running down the ramp and completely around the ring, high fiving everyone on the way and bothering the announcers somehow before sliding back in to face his opponent.

Vinegar: He gave me a noogie, in what way did he ‘bother’ you?

Hanson: A wet willy...

Vinegar: Huh?

Dennis: And her opponent, THE CRIIIIIIMSON GHOOOOOOOST!

Vinegar: These guys ready for the match, pacing the ring...

Hanson: if this is a recap why are you talking?

Vinegar: Because Chassie has just reached into her boot’s and pulled out a photograph of the Crimson ghost and a pen...is she?

Hanson: I think she is?

Vinegar: Yes she is, she is asking for the Ghosts autograph, that’s obviously for Hayleigh...

Hanson: What a great mother.

Vinegar: And Ghost can’t believe it, his jaw has almost hit the floor in shock. Now he’s bouncing around giddy as can be...

Hanson: Did he forget to take his pills?

Vinegar: I’m pretty sure he’s psyched to find out he has a fan, and he’s anatched the photo from Chassie’s hand and the pen, and is signing the photo with vigour, before he hands it back to Chassie...

Hanson: Who kneels down and places it in her boot’s, as the Ghost grins like a lunatic...WOAH!

Vinegar: Chassie Fear just executed a stunning backflip kick to the Ghosts Jaw which sends him sprawling backwards, I guess Mommy Chassie time is over...

Hanson: Apparently so, the recapping gonna start any time soon...

Viengar: Yeah....right....now...

[Chassie takes the early advantage in the encounter, pummelling the Ghost with a torrent of kicks and high flying moves including my favourites, the Hurricanrana, the Bulldog and the swinging neckbreaker. The ghost though manages to move out of the way when Chassie tries to end things early with her 360 Shooting Star Press; Fearless

The Ghost uses the advantage to take on Chassie Fear and keep her down, working over the legs and the neck, hitting another favourite of your re-capper’s, The Shining Wizard, managing to get a close two count from the move. Ghost then starts to build momentum managing to hit both The Spin Cycle and Chill Hombre! But as he sets Chassie up for Seeing Red, the Dark Rose counters into Shellshock, and manages to grab the cover for the three count.]

Dennis: Here is your winner, CHAAAAASIE FEAR!!!!

Vinegar: Well as recaps go...

Hanson: Yeah it sucked...

Vinegar: Well next up the GIW Tag Team Championship Match

[T-Robosaurus Rex]

Mitchell: The following match is for the Tag Team Titles!

Hanson: What, no witty pre-match banter?

Vinegar: We have a packed show, Daniel! No time for witty!

Hanson: but a match was cancelled...it's hardly packed now.

Vinegar: Maybe I just don't want to talk to you...

"Power and the Passion" comes over the speakers as JK and Paul Cockatoo step out onto the stage.

Mitchell: Introducing first, the challengers. Representing Midday Oil, The Cyclone JK and Paul Cockatoo!

Hanson: Where's Jasmine?

Vinegar: She has a wedding to get ready for, Daniel. And you know the rules, you never see the bride before the ceremony, it's bad luck.

Hanson: And who's that? Did we actually follow through on the whole Affirmative Action thing?

Vinegar: That's Paul Cockatoo.

Hanson: Yeah, that cleared everything up. Is he looking down that lady's shirt?

Vinegar: It appears so.

Hanson:...I like that guy. Whoever the crap he is.

Vinegar: Cockatoo comes from the Australian federations like JK and The Phantom.

Hanson: Oh god, it's becoming epidemic!

Mitchell: And the champions, representing Hiroshima, CHINATSU CHEN! And ARAAAAAGAATOOOOO!

"Monsters of Rock" announces the arrival of Chen and Aragato. Mr Deathmatch carries his kendo stick in his hand.

Hanson: Hey, no flag today. I'll actually be able to see my beloved Chen in action!

Vinegar: Yes, I'm sure she's thrilled. Chen bows to JK, looks like the two young stars are going to start the match off. Owen Peterson handing off the tag belts, and calling for the bell.

Hanson: The lovely Chinatsu wastes no time ducking behind JK and pulling his legs out from under him. So quick, she's there and then she's gone.

Vinegar: Side headlock applied, were you pining just now?

Hanson: No, if anything I would pine for your dead mom's sweet ass.

Vinegar: What?

Hanson: You heard me.

Vinegar: Necrophilia aside, JK now up and going to suplex his way out of the headlock, but Chen floats over and takes down JK with her own dragon suplex, and bridges for the pin, kick out at 2!

Hanson: Did you know Australia used to be a penal colony? That just sounds disgusting!

Vinegar: JK mounting offense now, some stiff chops driving Chen into the corner.

Hanson: He better not be trying to feel her up.

Vinegar: Now putting Chen up on the turnbuckle, looks to be going for a superplex.

Hanson: That's my girl, or at least one of them! Chen piefaces JK off of the turnbuckle then jumps off to deliver the knee. And tagging in The Tokyo Terror, who wastes no time in giving the boots to JK.

Vinegar: At this rate, JK's going to have bruises in his wedding photos. Now a blatant choke! Peterson breaks the hold, guess Hastings hasn't TOTALLY taken away his ability to govern the ring.

Hanson: But Aragato is reaching for his stick now! Yeah, things are about to get interesting!

Vinegar: Chen yanks it away, reminding Aragato that this is not a hardcore match. JK catching his breath and struggling to his feet, Gato charges in with a low dropkick to the face. Now a rear naked choke applied, and modified into a suplex! Taking JK's head and bouncing it off his knee!

Hanson: I don't think Aragato is going to be invited to the reception with that attitude.

Vinegar: JK back to his feet, a vicious back elbow strike sets him back against the ropes. Aragato charging at him, but the Aussie Superstar back drops him over the rope! This is JK's chance to make for his corner!

Hanson: Not happening, Nick. Domo Aragato Mr Roboto landed on his feet.

Vinegar: Leaping up onto the apron, Aragato swings around on the top rope and slams his knees JK, knocking him over the rope!

Hanson: Booyaka!

Vinegar: And now Aragato with a plancha to the floor!

Hanson: You say plancha, I say crazy ass belly flop.

Vinegar: Aragato is about to ram JK's head into the steel steps, but Chen again interceding.

Hanson: Because she's kind-hearted while at the same time being strong, Nick.

Vinegar: I just don't know how to take you not being a lecher. The Cyclone rolled back into the ring, and Aragato is on the turnbuckle. Flying headbutt!

Hanson: MISSED!

Vinegar: JK rolled just at the nick of time, and he makes his way to the corner.

Hanson: Know what time it is, Nick? It's time for a...HOT TAG!

Vinegar: Paul Cockatoo tagged into the ring! He ducks Aragato's chop and retorts with a hard right hand! And another! And another! Now irish whip, Aragato reverses it sending Paul against the far side, Paul ducks the leg lariat attempt and bounces off the other rope, Boomerang!

Hanson: Indian Man sure hit a big clothesline there.

Vinegar: Paul Cockatoo is actually descended from the Aboriginal people, Daniel, so technically he can't be an Indian.

Hanson: Technically you can't be called a virgin either, but there you go.

Vinegar: Mr Deathmatch charges forward, The Native Garrett is ready to catch him, scoop slam!

Hanson: Garrett, adodiginal, cockatoo. So confusing.

Vinegar: Now climbing up the turnbuckle, flying elbow! Pin attempt, only a two count. But the Original Aboriginal is quick to his feet, and now scooping up Aragato to hit a sitdown powerbomb! Another pin attempt, and another two count. Cockatoo is really impressing here in his debut.

Hanson: Behold the power of the hot tag! Mr Deathmatch stops Paul's momentum with a palm thrust, Paul tries to retaliate with a boot to the gut, but Aragato catches him with the dragon screw!

Vinegar: JK rockets into the ring with a springboard missile dropkick!

Hanson: Cheater cheater marmite eater! Here comes the virtuous Chinatsu to set that boy straight. Leaping up for the rana.

Vinegar: Paul's right there to pull her off and drops her in a side backbreaker. Now both men closing in on Aragato, double team maneuver in the works.

Hanson: OBSIDIAN SCOURGE! Without warning, Aragato lets loose that black mist, blinding both men!

Vinegar: Gato and the Oriental Firecracker both hop up, enziguris in stereo! JK spills out over the rope, and his drummer is left in the ring with both members of Hiroshima, and they are looking to apply...the Double Armbar Submission! Cockatoo is beng ripped in half with that hold! Peterson rings the bell, Cockatoo tried to hold out but he had to give in!

Hanson: Ah, the old in and out.

Mitchell: Here are your winners, and still GIW Tag Team Champions, Hiroshima!

Hanson: ALL HAIL HIROSHIMA!

Vinegar: Chen holding both belts and leading her partner out of the ring. A respectable showing from the debuting team but it just wasn't enough tonight.

Hanson: Yeah, too bad for The Bushwackers. They better go clean that black goop off their faces, they got a wedding to get ready for!

Vinegar: Very true, Daniel. Very true.

[T-Robosaurus Rex]

The sultry bassline of Spoon’s “I Turn My Camera On” encourages a loud pop from the crowd, and the cheers continue as Moss Edwards and Grace Harding walk to ringside.

Hanson: Yay! Miss Harding is back to distract me from Egghead’s speech! And I must say, she looks as good in a dress as she does in those suits.

Vinegar: And Edwards even has a cummerbund, they must be a part of the wedding party. What are you laughing at?

Hanson: Hehehe…cum-her-bun.

Vinegar: Daniel Hanson, ladies and gentlemen, he’ll be here all week.

Moss: Target demographic, welcome to a very, very special edition of Moss Edwards HeadShots! First of all, let’s see how the numbers are stacking up. Keith, you know the drill.

The package plays, five pins accompanied by five numbers, separated by flashes of white and the sound of an old fashioned camera bulb flashing.

Moss: Five illustrious title defenses. It warms your heart, doesn’t it?

Hanson: Yeah. Run in, run in, foot on rope, walk out, fast count. Real boffo wins there.

Vinegar:…did you just say boffo?

Moss: But tonight, in this very ring, my ring, we have a real heart-warming moment. See, when I came into this company a mere three months ago, I made the acquaintance of a young man who impressed me with his enthusiasm and tenacity. And I’m proud to serve as host on this, his wedding day.

Hanson: Five bucks something goes wrong. No, ten bucks!

Vinegar: I don’t bet on people’s weddings, Daniel.

Hanson: Fine.

Vinegar: Fifteen there’s a snake in one of the presents.

Moss: But this ring is not ready for a proper wedding just yet. Bring forth my bitches!

Andrew Clash, Pat Redden, BeeB the Great, Jak Frozt, Joseph Rochester and Sean Immies come down the ramp with potted plants, an alter, a red carpet, and candelabras.

Vinegar: So if you were asking, where are they now? Here they are.

Hanson: Hey, don’t laugh. This is the first paycheck BeeB’s gotten in like two months. And I never even SEEN those two before.

Vinegar: Now out come some string players, the preacher, members of the couple’s families, even some of our GIW superstars are coming down to ringside for the occasion.

Hanson: How did McZygmunt find a suit coat in his size? That alone is pretty impressive. And Boss P in a bowtie is almost cute. Almost.

Moss: Thank you everyone for coming to celebrate this momentous occasion.

Boss P: GET ON WID IT EGGHEAD NIGGA, DEES WEDDINS MAKE FOR KILLER RATINGS!

A string quartet plays JK’s promo theme “Through the Fire and Flames” by Dragon force as JK comes out wearing a tux, occasionally trying to loosen the bow tie.

Hanson: *Sniff.

Vinegar: Are you crying Daniel?

Hanson: I can’t help it. I always cry at weddings.

JK this time walks up the metal stairs instead of sliding into the ring as he usually does, but still climbs the turnbuckle to do his signature pose for the cameras.

Vinegar: This couple have been getting some bad press by the “Families Against Rude Television” lobby for you see, the Bride is Pregnant!

Hanson: Screw those F.A.R.T.ers Nick. The kid scored with the underage boner candy of GIW. This kid’s alright in my books.

JK goes to the makeshift altar where already stands his best man, Paul Cockatoo, to await the arrival of his bride. There is a small hush over the audience; most of the GIW locker room is in attendance to the wedding. Then the wedding march from “A Midsummer’s night’s dream” plays as everyone in the arena turns to the entrance where Jasmine in her white dress, accompanied by her father to the ring, where she walks up the stairs and through the ring ropes, held open by JK.

Hanson: Who’s the dork who just took her down to the ring? Is that your father Dennis?

Dennis: No you idiot! It’s HER father!

Hanson: Yikes! I’d better not say anything degrading about her tonight...

Priest: Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today to witness the joining of two surprisingly young people in holy matrimony. If anyone knows a reason why these two should not be wed, speak now or forever hold your peace.

The arena is silent apart from a couple of drunks who are shouting and whooping in the crowd.

Priest: Alright then. Do You, Jordan Lewis King...

Hanson: HA! Is middle name’s Lewis. What a dork.

Vinegar: SHHH! Hanson, be quiet!

Priest: May I continue?

Vinegar: Sorry Father, Continue.

Priest: Do you, take Jasmine Alexandra Kanelis, to be your Lawfully wedded wife, under the eyes of god, in sickness or health, to death do you part?

JK looks down at his feet for a bit, before raising his head, then his microphone to his lips.

JK: I....... I do.

Priest: Good. And do you, Jasmine Alexandra Kanelis, take Jordan Lewis King, to be your lawfully wedded husband, under the eyes of god, in sickness and in health, till death do you part?

Jasmine: Father, I do.

Priest: I now pronounce you Husband and wife. You may now kiss the bride.

JK and Jasmine kiss as the crowd erupts into cheers and the stars in the audience applaud.

Hanson: I love a white wedding.

Vinegar: Don’t get too emotional on my Daniel.

Priest: Let me be the first, to introduce you to the new, Mr. And Mrs. Jordan Ki....

Kingsley comes flying through the air, in the back of the shot, missing JK, but instead connecting with the priest who knocks over Jasmine in his stumbling

Hanson: What the... Where did..... What’s he doing here?

Vinegar: I don’t know, but JK doesn’t look too pleased with him, and they are just brawling right here! Kingsley going to Power bomb JK through the Altar, but JK reverses it into a Hurricanarana right into Paul Cockatoo!

Hanson: Space Goof’s in for it now...

Vinegar: Kick to the midsection.....FALL FROM ULARU! Now as Kingsley is wandering around dazed, Paul has picked him up in a power bomb position...

Hanson: And Down under boy climbs up to the top rope...

Vinegar: OZFEST ENDING! RIGHT THORUOGH THE ALTAR!!!

“Power and the Passion” hits the P.A. as JK and Paul check on Jasmine, help her too her feet, and head backstage.

Hanson: Well, up until the bride got knocked down, it was a beautiful ceremony.

Vinegar: What the hell was Kingsley trying to accomplish here tonight? And how is the Cyclone going to retaliate?

Hanson: And how come there wasn’t a slip-out when Jasmine fell down?

Vinegar: Married, pregnant, and underage. Hanson you just won the prize.

[T-Robosaurus Rex]

Vinegar: How about that wedding, Dan?

Hanson: What?

Vinegar: The wedding, not even an hour ago? Happened right in front of us?

Hanson: Nick, I can't afford to divy up the real estate of my memory with things like, weddings, and what happens in front of us. I have to save some space for things like, awesome stuff The Blessed One does.

Vinegar: And he will be in action in tonight's main event, though we're about to see his Blessed Immortality tag partner in action right now.

"Teahouse" announces the arrival of Alex Kiseragi. He stands at the entrance, soaking in the cheers with Katie Piper at his side. He throws out a pair of roundhouse kicks then acknowledges the crowd with a raised fist.

Hanson: Oh, hell. That girl is far too fit to be making googoo eyes at Kiseragay.

Vinegar: Do you have a contest with yourself to fit a homosexual reference into every Alex Kiseragi match?

Hanson: I do NOW!

Mitchell: Introducing first, from San Francisco, weighing in at 198 pounds and accompanied by Katie Piper, The Dragon ALEEEEX KISERAAAAGIIII!

Vinegar: Alex giving instruction to Katie and pointing emphatically to ringside.

Hanson: She tried to touch up on Komosube last week, so apparently she requires constant supervision. She could come over here, I'd keep an eye on her.

Mitchell: And his opponent...what, no Owen Peterson? Do I get to actually do my job this week? His opponent, from...

Vinegar: Dennis Mitchell's microphone just got shut off.

Hanson: Well, if he would learn to give our Lord Chief Nigga the proper respectful introduction, Hastings would not have to take these matters into his own hands.

Vinegar: Wait, out on the entryway...is that a...children's choir?

Choir: And now let us sing! Of our dear Lord Hastings! Our Nigga in Chief! So inspiring! Hailing from Hartford! Weighing two hundred and thirt! Now please rise in respect for the one that we love best! LOOOOOOOOORD HAAAAAAAAAASTE TIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIINGS!

"Immortal" hits the speakers and Lord Hastings appears, parting the sea of children without seeming to actually notice them.

Hanson: That song made me want to change my life, be a better person, maybe even smile at strangers.

Vinegar: That's funny. It made me throw up in my mouth a little. Kiseragi shaking his head in disbelief as Hastings enters the ring.

Hanson: He's only falling for another brilliant ploy.

Vinegar: Does this ploy happen to have an acronym?

Hanson: I'm working on it, give me a second.

Vinegar: There's the bell, Hazel East getting this match underway. Lock up to start things off. Hastings with an arm drag into an arm bar. Now driving a knee into the shoulder, but Alex gets to his feet and reverses it into a hammerlock. Hastings reaches back and pulls down The Dragon into a headlock, but Alex keeps a tight hold on that arm. Now The Immortal lets go to roll up to his feet and lays a boot to the side of Alex's head to break his grasp.

Hanson: It's the LCNPHOOGBACBTHWTA!

Vinegar: That one is not going to stick, but what is...that?

Hanson: The Lord Chief Nigga Putting His Opponent Off Guard By Acting Crazy But Then He Whups Their Ass technique!

Vinegar: The Dragon slow to his feet, and Hastings is right there to send him crashing to the mat with a german suplex! This time Alex is quicker to rise, and he lets out a hard kick to the midsection.

Hanson: Our Lord catches the leg, Exploder! His Inevitude is letting that Flippy Ninja know that this is a wrestling match, not a...kicking match.

Vinegar: Now a front face lock applied, driving Kiseragi's head into the mat.

Hanson: Our Lord is such a masterful technician, I'll bet he could get a tap out from this move, right now!

Vinegar: The Dragon pushing his way back to his feet.

Hanson: Swinging neckbreaker! This is what we call strategy, Nick. Hastings knows that Kiseragi needs to be on his feet to use his strikes, so he's keeping him on the mat!

Vinegar: Yeah, only a masterful technician would know that, huh?

Hanson: Exactly!

Vinegar: Hastings grabbing The Dragon's leg, could be going for a submission here, but he's kicked away.

Hanson: Use strategy! Use strategy!

Vinegar: Low dropkick to the Lord's knee, now a kick to the other knee. Hastings is wobbly, spinning jumpkick to the head! Hastings hits his knees, Kiseragi lands and shoots a side kick to The Lord of Pain's face.

Hanson: New strategy! New strategy!

Vinegar: The Dragon hits the ropes and lands a Lionsault, doesn't bother with the pin. Now taking Hastings up off the mat, charges towards the corner and hits the springboard bulldog!

Hanson: Now look at that chubby model ninja, playing to the crowd.

Vinegar: They're showing appreciation and he's giving them a little attention back. What's wrong with that?

Hanson: Nothing, because it gave the Lord of Pain the chance to get back to his feet.

Vinegar: Katie telling Alex to turn around.

Hanson: That only saves Hastings the trouble of spinning him around to deliver that STO! And being a gentleman, Our Sweet Lord bows to her, as if to say thanks for the assist.

Vinegar: Hastings picking The Dragon off the mat, he fights back with shots to the gut, then reaches up and slams Donovan's head against his shoulder, a vicious chin breaker that leaves the Lord of Pain in a stupor.

Hanson: LCNPHOOGBAGBTHWTA, exchanging crazy for groggy. He's got this under control.

Vinegar: Could have fooled me, as Kiseragi hits the headscissor takedown and holds it to apply a vice grip hold.

Hanson: The Most Inevitable Nigga gets his foot on the rope to break the hold. Well done, sir!

Vinegar: Both men to their feet, and Alex wastes no time laying into Hastings with some stiff knife edge chops, driving his Lordship into the corner.

Hanson: Peterson wouldn't let this sickening display continue! He's leaving red marks on his chest!

Vinegar: And followed up by a monkey flip out of the corner! Hastings has had the air beaten right out of him, and he's struggling to his feet. And the crowd seems to be getting excited, young Miss Piper is leading them in a 'Dragon Tail' chant. And he is looking to give the people what they want! But Hastings rolls underneath.

Hanson: Well, it's kinda hard to surprise someone when the arena is announcing your next move.

Vinegar: How's that for a surprise? Kiseragi right back to his feet and charges in for the Shining Wizard!

Hanson: Uh oh, gay ninja on a post!

Vinegar: Kiseragi waiting for Hastings to get up. Flyover neckbreaker drop, better known as the Blockbuster! And hooking the leg..just a two count. Both men getting to their feet, Hastings with a thumb to the eye!

Hanson: Classic Roddy Piper maneuver there, it's a momentum shifter! And now he grabs Mr Flippy by the waist and a bridging suplex pin!

Vinegar: 1! 2! Kiseragi powers out, flipping both men over!

Hanson: They're going ass to mouth.

Vinegar: Now Kiseragi lifting off the mat, drops Hastings in a sort of reverse Tombstone. Nice improvised offense there.

Hanson: You mean nice illegal piledriver! Throw that man out!

Vinegar: Alex charges to the ropes, leaping off for a springboard DDT.

Hanson: But the Lord catches him and plants him down hard, HANDS OF FATE! What power, what technique, what ring presence! This is why he gets to team with Travis Roberts!

Vinegar: Yes, that submission hold is applied tightly, the Dragon needs may have to tap!

Hanson: Wait, what's she doing now? The Fag Hag is on the apron shouting at The True NiggaDon.

Vinegar: And Hastings is releasing the hold.

Hanson: Well, he's a gentleman. When a lady wishes to speak with him, he takes the time. Truly a role model to all our young viewers.

Vinegar: He's grabbed Katie by the shoulders!

Hanson: So that they can have their conversation in private, that's all.

Vinegar: The Dragon interrupts their "conversation" with a reverse DDT, and now shouting at Miss Piper to leave ringside!

Hanson: Sure, his one fan and he wants her to miss out on the rest of the match. Jerk.

Vinegar: In case you forgot, Lord Hastings proved at Affirmative Action that he has no qualms about hitting women. Katie would be safer in the back.

Hanson: It's not like he makes a hobby out of it, Nick! He was being a gentleman.

Vinegar: And now that gentleman rolls up The Distracted Dragon in a schoolboy! 1 2 thr...just barely kicked out! Now both men struggling to be the first to their feet, Hastings nails a forearm shot to the Dragon's head, then whips him into the ropes. Clothesline from Hastings, Alex ducks and rebounds off the other side...AND FLIES IN WITH A YARI KICK OUT OF NOWHERE!

Hanson: Damn that boot to the head! And more often the chest!

Vinegar: Pinfall, 1 2 3! A few close calls for The Dragon, but this one is in the books.

Mitchell: Here is your winner, ALEX KISERAAAAAAGIIII!

Vinegar: Katie trying to give her idol a celebratory hug, but he is not in the mood.

Hanson: Big surprise there.

Vinegar: He points her up the ramp, and follows after her solemnly.

Hanson: Is it time for the main event yet? I'm going through Roberts withdrawal here.

Vinegar: First up, the GIW.Com Title Match.

Hanson: So what you got, run-in? DQ? Light fixture falling from the sky?

Vinegar: We'll find out, next!

[T-Robosaurus Rex]

Dennis: The Following Match is for the GIW.com Championship!

Vinegar: And apologies to any viewers for the poor quality of this match, apparently our writer is rather distracted by our rivals PPV, which happened to be airing tonight as well...

Hanson: Man don’t remind them, you want them to turn over?

Vinegar: You don’t think they know what’s going on tonight? Regardless, this match may have been of far better quality had it not be for this scheduling conflict...

Hanson: Well at least it’ll be on time....won’t it....

Vinegar: Honestly? We’re pushing it a little...

Hanson: That explains the incremental posting...

Vinegar: Doesn’t it...

Hanson: WOAH! THE JAMAICAN STONER DUDE JUST GOT CRUSHED!

Vinegar: What? Have you got a portable TV under there?

Hanson: Yeah....MVP is climbing the ladder...

Vinegar: Really?...I mean, turn it off...

The familiar flick of a Zippo accompanied by the popping of a Red Bull can kick off Chevelle’s ‘Wonder What’s Next’.

Dennis: Introducing first, the challenger, from Medford, Oregon, accompanied by the Red Bull icon, Randy Boolzian, he is TOOOOOOOBIAS ERRRRRRRRRRRRRNDHART!

As the music plays Tobias Erndhart proudly steps out onto the entrance and gazes out over the crowd in awe. Before too long he’s joined by BoolZ who with an almost annoyed look on his face. Together the two walk to the ring, Tobias slides in under the bottom rope as BoolZ hangs out on the outside with his Red Bull and smokes.

Vinegar: Seriously, we really have to apologise for the quality of this match, it’s looking more and more likely it’ll suck...

Hanson: At least that cocksucking hillbilly kis Rock is on the other show right now, at least our writer won’t get distracted...

Vinegar: Unless Kid Rock decides to grape Sweet Home Alabama in front of millions of people, in which case he’ll probably get sidetracked screaming obscenities at the screen....

Hanson: Too late...

Vinegar: Well at least that gives us someone to blame for the quality, and probably short length of this match...

Hanson: At least we’ve tried to apologise...screw it, fuck you Kid Rock for ruining our show!

"I Turn My Camera On"

Dennis: And introducing the Champion, from Hollywood, California, he is the Auteur, MOOOOOOSS EEEEEDWARDS!

The arena goes dark and silent momentarily, then a solitary spotlight shines near the entrance. A young man who looks like a Newsies extra squats in front of the entryway in the spotlight, holding a clapboard. He shouts action, claps it down, and the slam is punctuated by the entryway exploding in sparks and the first staccato chords of the entrance music. Moss steps through the sparks, followed by his small crew of assistants and his boom mic operator. He wears a Kangol, glasses, and a leather vest. He stands for a moment, surveys the crowd through “shot framing hands” then barks orders at his crew. When they get to the ring, he puts his camera in the corner and has his assistants remove his hat, glasses, and vest from ringside. The crew leaves, and Moss hops up on the corner post to play to the crowd.

Hanson: Boy he’s being lazy tonight...think he’ll be forgiven?

Vinegar: Maybe if we focus on the match for a little while, after all it’s only the Diva Battle Royale...

Hanson: Diva’s I don’t see Gabby or Chinatsu...

Vinegar: True, but what about this match up. Tobias Erndhart making only his second appearance with GIW and he’s got a shot at the GIW.com Championship...

Hanson: Just goes to show how much rub Mary-Ho has...

Vinegar: Well if Randy looked a bit more enthusiastic about the task at hand, I’d suggest it had something to do with the RBI, but it doesn’t seem to be the case.

Hanson: it’s not that big a deal anyway, Moss Edwards will just cheat his way to retaining, thats how it always goes.

Vinegar: I’m not sure he plans it that way...

Hanson: Oh so when something slightly dubious happens in a Travis Roberts match he’s a devious, scheming bastard, but with Moss is just misunderstood...please and you say I’m biased...

Vinegar: Travis Roberts revels in breaking the rules...but we’ve seen Moss this week, it’s playing on his conscience, he’s inventing controversies that don’t exist....

Hanson: That was a fast count last week, anyone could see that!

Vinegar: It’s like commentating with a small child. Both guys are in the ring now, and Tobias bounces from one foot to the other, as Moss leans over the ropes and exchanges a few words with Ms. Harding who scribbles in her notepad...

Hanson: Tobias is almost foaming at the mouth, he seems almost as stupid as BoolZ, but boy is the guy built....

Vinegar: Moss is ready, Tobias certainly is, and Peterson signals for the start of this match, and as soon as the bell rings Tobias almost knocks Peterson off his feet for the second time tonight, and spears Moss straight to the ground and begins pounding his fists on the GIW.com Champion.

Hanson: But Moss manages to crawl out and get to the ropes and Tobias is forced to get off of the Champion. Moss pulls himself to his feet using the ropes, and pushes past Peterson as Tobias has his back turned and hits the rookie in the back, sending Tobias flying head first into a turnbuckle, he doesn’t go down though turns around and...Sorry, did Mickey Rourke just punch Jericho in the back of the head?

Vinegar: No idea...but if he did that would suck...But I can tell you Moss just hip tossed Tobias onto the floor and climbed the ropes and as Tobias gets to his feet jumps backwards and hits the Dramatic Effect...and goes for the cover...

1...

2...

Hanson: NO! Tobias kicks out, as Randy wanders off to an attractive woman in the front row and starts to take a keen interest in her, as Moss drags Tobias up, only to get grabbed around the waist by Tobias and slammed to the ground with a spinebuster...Tobias stands tall, and then drops an elbow on Moss’ throat...before climbing up to the top rope himself....as Moss stands he front flips off...into a dropkick....TUMBLEWEE...

Vinegar: NO! Moss dodges, Moss manages to sidestep the move...

Hanson: And look at FoolZ’s face, he seems to finally be paying attention to his young charge who is lying face first on the canvas, and the ST-Icon is screaming at him, he doesn’t look too pleased...

Vinegar: I imagine he’s not happy he screwed the move up...BoolZ’s move no less... I’m not sure he cares too much that it has handed the advantage back to Moss Edwards. The Auteur now standing back, waiting for Tobias to get back to his feet...and as the rookie stumbles upwards....Moss grabs him...THE FLOP!!! And a cover...

1...

2...

Hanson: NO! Endpart kicks out again, showing some remarkable resilience, but possibly it shows more the fact there is nothing in the boys skull to be damaged...

Vinegar: That’s unfair...Moss drags him up again, but Tobias manages to sweep both legs from The Auteur, and take the advantage using a few amateur holds, before ending with a knee to Moss’ head...wait a minute...what’s she doing here? Chassie Fear has just started walking down the ramp towards the ring...

Hanson: Maybe Hayleigh is a Randy Bollzian fan as well as The Ghosts? Maybe she wants another autograph?

Vinegar: Well she just seems to be observing for now, she’s stopped short of the ring, and is merely watching, as Tobias whips Moss into the turnbuckle...steps back....NOFLYZONE!!!

Hanson: look at BoolZ’s face, he looks livid...he’s barely containing his rage...

Vinegar: The fans loved it though, they are on their feet...as Tobias drags Moss to his feet...

Hanson: he drags Moss up, he’s setting him up for that DicomBoolZalator...

Vinegar: But hasn’t quite got the grip, Moss is fighting back trying to block...WHAT THE HELL!?!?!?!?

Hanson: OUT OF NOWHERE CHASSIE BREAKS THE HOLD AND NAILS TOBIAS WITH TWiLIGHT!

Vinegar: And Moss is staring in disbelief...

Dennis: Here is your winner via Disqualification, TOOOOOOBIAS ERNDHART!!!!!

Vinegar: Chassie is laughing heartily as she climbs from the ring and grabs the GIW.com title, but she didn’t cost Moss the title, the Championship doesn’t change hands on a Disqualification!

Hanson: I think that’s the point...look she’s tossed the title to the shocked Moss Edwards...she wanted him to retain Nick...

Vinegar: You may be right, looks like Chassie is picking up where she and Raenius left of at Affirmative Action two weeks ago...screwing with the GIW.com Champ’s mind...

Hanson: At least he has the title still, Tobias was seconds away from the DiscomBoolZalator, and he’d have lost, he should thank Chassie...

Vinegar: That’s not true, Moss could have broke out any second, this match was far from over. But regardless, Tobias has won, but Moss Edwards retains the title...next up, ‘The Headliner’ vs ‘The Monster’....don’t switch over to our competitors...

Hanson: No really don’t, it’s sucked so far...

Vinegar: Did this match?

Hanson: Who cares, if it did we blame Kid Rock...remember?

Vinegar: Yes!

[T-Robosaurus Rex]

Hanson: This isn’t good…

Vinegar: What’s that?

Hanson: It’s the opposite of good. Like bad.

Vinegar: No what, WHAT, isn’t good?

Hanson: This next match! C’mon Travis Roberts, the Headliner, is slated to be the first official opponent for Boss P’s muscle!

Vinegar: The Monster Dredd.

Hanson: Yeah, I know. But c’mon Boss P after last week with the announcement about the next pay per view you know is going to want blood. He’s going to want Travis punished!

Vinegar: Wow, usually at this point you’re doing everything to verbally fellatiate the Unified Global Champion. Are you actually worried for Travis Roberts?

Hanson: No, I’m worried for Boss P! What’s he gonna do when his muscle gets beat his first week out!?! He’s gonna be left with MJ’s Pet and that junkie! Pfft… worried about the ‘Headliner’.

Vinegar: Folks lets send it to Mitchell Dennis for the introductions.

Dennis: Ladies and gentlemen this is your Sentinel main event! Introducing first standing seven foot two inches, weighting in at 385 pounds, this is the Monster… Dredd!

After a few seconds of silence ‘Bummer’ by Monster Magnet comes over the speaker system catching the fans, Mitchell Dennis, and Glenn Burke all by surprise.

Vinegar: Sounds like our sound guy screwed up. Sorry folks.

Hanson: Yeah, everyone knows the champion comes out last.

Dennis is seen listening to his ear piece as the fans seem to have switched and are now eagerly awaiting the arrival of the TWiSTeD Icon.

Dennis: Ladies and gentlemen, I do apologize. I am being informed that tonight, quote ‘Boss P’s motherfucking muscle comes out motherfucking last.’ So…

Hanson: Oh, not good. It’ll only be a rookie and a has been left for da boss!

Dennis: Introducing first standing six feet six inches, weighting in at 220 pounds, he is the Unified Global Champion, he is the ‘Headliner’, this is Travis Roberts!

The music never stopped playing and eventually Travis Roberts makes his way to the entrance ramp holding the UGT high in the air. He pauses on the ramp for a few seconds basking in the adulation from the majority of fans that have seemingly forgotten his dastardly deeds of the past. He takes his time descending towards the ring to further enjoy the reaction he’s receiving from a few particularly well endowed female fans.

Vinegar: Well it seems Boss P is determined to prove that he’s running the show.

Hanson: Oh come on, I’m not one to doubt da boss, but there are a few things you don’t do. That’s spit into the wind, tug on Superman’s cape, an insult the ‘TWiSTeD Revolutionary’!

Vinegar: I must say, I expected you to be a bit more torn with your hero squaring off against your pimp.

Hanson: Shut it Chinny McDoublechin before I poke you square in your good eye. I might not be happy about this match, but I’m not just gonna lay down like YO MOMMA!

Vinegar: SHE’S DEAD!

Hanson: Hit by the Hanson Train!

Travis still taking his time has reached ringside when the fans let out a heavy chorus of boos. Roberts pays no attention but the cameras catch the now unannounced Dredd storm from the back and down the ramp wasting little time.

Vinegar: You’re about to be hit by the Vinegar Elbow if you’re not careful. And it looks like even Dredd has heard enough from you, and is making his way to the ring.

Hanson: Yeah, well I’ve heard enough your whining about yo dead momma.

Vinegar: Roberts seems engrossed with that young lady and doesn’t seem to notice Dredd approaching.

Hanson: And cheating already!

Vinegar: Dredd with a handful of hair pulls Roberts from his conversation, and rolls him into the ring. Dredd follows, Roberts to his feet with a look of shock on his face, and a hard kick to the champions midsection!

Hanson: He hasn’t even let him let go of the title, or take off his sun glasses! This match should be called right now!

Vinegar: And instead we get the bell! Dredd now unloading those heavy hard hands to Roberts head. Another handful of hair…

Hanson: Another rule violation!

Vinegar: And the Monster pulls Travis to the corner. I don’t think the champion is used to be the in the ring with someone Dredds size.

Hanson: Why would he be? From that midget FoolZ to that rainbow pixie AKis. It’d doesn’t matter though, Dredd could be eight feet tall, and Roberts will still end up standing head and shoulders above the competition!

Vinegar: Dredd absolutely assaulting Roberts in the corner with those elbows, deep knees, and right hands!

Hanson: C’mon ref, get them out of the corner! I would expect that from Peterson, but now you Burke!

Vinegar: Dredd with a snapmare brings Roberts out of the corner, and synchs in that Dragon Sleeper. Roberts is in trouble!

Hanson: Travis is always in trouble… or so he’d like you to believe!

Vinegar: Well with a man he’s giving 165 pounds away to choking the life out of him, I doubt that’s really part of some plan.

Hanson: Who are you to doubt. Dredd’s just trying to end this one quick before Travis can mount one of his famous come backs. See he’s already in the Monsters pee sized brain!

Vinegar: Yyeeaahh. Dredd demanding Glenn ask Roberts if he quits, I take Dredd hitting him in the ribs as a ‘no’, and Dredd looks towards the entrance ramp before standing up with Roberts.

Hanson: Yeah, it’s finally sunk in. Just a few short minutes ago he was the ‘Monster’, now in another few short minutes, he’s gonna be the loser!

Vinegar: And Dredd pulls Roberts by the hair head first back to the mat, hooks the leg, here’s the cover!

Burke: ONE!

Hanson: Kick out! C’mon, you’re not gonna beat the champ like that.

Vinegar: Dredd looks back up the ramp, and both men to their feet. Haymaker by Dredd!

Hanson: Whiff, by Dredd! Roberts ducks, steps behind Dredd, the Monster turns, and eats one of Italy’s finest examples of foot ware! Huge big boot!

Vinegar: Only staggers Dredd.

Hanson: I’m sorry did I say big boot. No I think he really was only showing off what must be virgin alligator boots. There, now there’s a big boot!

Vinegar: And again only staggers Dredd who fires back with that massive right hand!

Hanson: Roberts ready for it though, and here’s a hammerlock takedown. TRob holds on and now applying the pressure. Dredd has to tap now.

Vinegar: He does?

Hanson: Yeah it’s a law, or at least should be.

Vinegar: Look at that Dredd just looked back towards the entrance ramp. What is going on?

Hanson: Going on? Travis’s knees to that shoulder of Dredd’s that dislocates of it’s own volition, that’s what’s going on.

Vinegar: One has to believe Roberts is setting up for the TWiSTeD Tourniquet.

Hanson: Do not assume you can understand the motives behind the UGT Champion’s actions. For all we know, wait no, that actually sounds pretty good. Yeah, he’s setting up for the TWiSTeD Tourniquet!

Vinegar: I don’t think he’s going to get the chance, Dredd reaching behind him, locks in a modified headlock, twists, and pulls Roberts to his back! Burke with the count!

Burke: ONE!

Hanson: What, c’mon kick out!

Burke: TWO!!

Vinegar: Really?

Burke: THRE…

Hanson: And Roberts brings his legs up with a head scissors, and breaks the pin. That was close.

Vinegar: Really! Surprising.

Hanson: What?

Vinegar: It was fairly clear Roberts chose…

Hanson: Chose to hold onto the hammerlock for an extra two seconds to do two more seconds of damage to that shoulder! I knew that!

Vinegar: Roberts now with a stomp to that shoulder…

Hanson: And another, and another, it’s like a beautiful dance!

Vinegar: Roberts pulling Dredd to his feet, kick to the mid section,

Hanson: WHITEOUT!

Vinegar: Dredd lifts Roberts before he can hit his move, and places the champion on the top turnbuckle.

Hanson: Travis knew he was going to do that.

Vinegar: And Dredd again looks to the entrance ramp. What is going on?

Hanson: He’s, who cares, you can’t keep losing those precious seconds if you’re even remotely close to having the Blessed One in a compromised situation, and remotely close is as close as anyone’s ever come!

Vinegar: Hard right hand staggers the champion, Dredd climbing to the second turnbuckle, could be looking for the Concrete Piledriver, could be looking to end this match.

Hanson: Should have been looking for that punch to the kisser. And another, and now Dredd has to step down from the ropes, another punch, and Roberts pulls in and turns abound Dredd.

Vinegar: Diamond Dust!

Hanson: Damn right!

Vinegar: Roberts back to his feet, and he’s motioning back to the top rope.

Hanson: The fans love it when you tell them what you’re going to do next!

Vinegar: Roberts to the top, wait a minute that’s Tobias Erndhart! What is…

Hanson: What is MJ’s Pet doing out here! He’s here to screw the champion! It’s a conspiracy! Boss P by hook or by crook!

Vinegar: He’s distracting Glenn Burke…

Hanson: Screw Burke, Roberts doesn’t care so neither do I. Here it comes, big elbow…

Vinegar: Where in the hell did BoolZ come from!?!

Hanson: That dirty STD ridden son of a bitch!

Vinegar: BoolZ used those ropes like a ladder, stepped off, and caught Roberts in the air with that Sobering Thoughts!

Hanson: HA, I think he hurt his leg though!

Vinegar: Folks off the rebound, it almost looked like a Mic Check type maneuver, and it’s put Roberts over Dredd!

Hanson: He’s a fuck up in every sense of the word. He can’t even cheat right!

Vinegar: BoolZ to the outside, and he’s got Tobias. Burke turns here’s the cover.

Burke: ONE!

Hanson: A wins a win, and I think Travis’s head might have hit Dredd’s. He’ll have to send a thank you care to BoolZ’s parents for raising a loser.

Burke: TWO!!

Vinegar: Not quite yet, a kick out at two, and what is going on here?!? BoolZ on the outside doesn’t look to happy.

Hanson: Yeah, well he either just saw how bad he screwed up by leaving TRob with a cover, or hopefully broke his leg.

Vinegar: Either way, Burke’s looking around in shock. I don’t think he knows what to make of this.

Hanson: He should be used to it by now. Travis is winning. That’s why he’s blessed!

Vinegar: Roberts and Dredd both struggling to their feet now, Dredd up first, and looks back up the entrance ramp. I don’t think he knows what’s just happened!

Hanson: He also probably doesn’t know what two plus two is, who cares?

Vinegar: Apparently he cares, he’s telling Burke to get BoolZ and Tobias out of ringside! And I think BoolZ is pulling Tobias back.

Hanson: Damn right, he don’t want none of Roberts!

Vinegar: Tobias and Burke arguing now…

Hanson: Roberts up, it’s time for a famous Roberts turning the match around moment!

Vinegar: Dredd turns around, sees Roberts, BROKEN SPHERE! That sit down chokeslam!

Hanson: Damnit! And now FoolZ is arguing with Burke!

Vinegar: Dredd back up, and DOWN!

Hanson: Blessed Immortality! Donovan, ah, da true Lord-Chief wit da e-z-baked of-in to da skull of Dredd!

Vinegar: I think Tobias is done arguing he’s just slid into the ring, he’s got Hastings…

Hanson: What was…

Vinegar: And hits some kind of reverse head and shoulders suplex on the Lord of Pain! BoolZ in the ring…

Hanson: And dat dare e-z-baked of-in to da dome from da Bless’t D’One! BoooZ be down!

Vinegar: Roberts charges and knocks Tobias out of the ring, Dredd has Hastings and dumps him to the floor.

Hanson: I think Burke is calling for the bell?

Vinegar: Hastings back up, and he’s pulling on Dredd’s feet from the outside.

Dennis: Ladies and gentlemen, the referee has called this match a No Contest!

Vinegar: I don’t think Dredd or Roberts care.

Hanson: Dredd should care, cause now Roberts is hammering away at that big dumby.

Vinegar: I think it’d be more appropriate to say they’re trading punches, and so are Erndhart and Hastings on the outside!

Hanson: And here someone done dropped dime ‘cause here come da poe-poe!

Vinegar: Folks Professor Bling’s security staff are trying to regain order, but we’re out of time! Join us next week when hopefully we can get this sorted out, hopefully we’ll get to the bottom of Moss Edwards and Chassie Fear, and we’ll continue with the hardest hitting action on the globe! For my broadcast colleague…

Hanson: Destiny’s Call to that whores project! The kid is broken in half I hope!

Vinegar: Join us next wee…

[T-Robosaurus Rex]

Sentinel 5/04/09 Credits

Opening exchange between Vinegar and Hanson
T-Rob

Chassie Backstage with Roxy
Chassie

Chassie vs Ghost Recap
T-Rob

GIW Tag Team Championship Match
Moss

Headshots
Moss (& JK I think)

Alex Kiseragi vs Donovan Hastings
Moss Edwards

GIW.com Championship
T-Rob

Main Event
BoolZ

Editor
T-Rob