Sentinel 12/04/09 Results

[T-Robosaurus Rex]

Hanson: D to tha rum roll please

Vinegar: Oh god

Hanson: What I actually have rumrolls…FROM YO MOMMA

Vinegar: For the last time; SHE…IS…DEAD

Hanson: Yeah dead tired, I had her up all night last night making me these rum rolls

Vinegar: They look like soggy rolls to me

Hanson: Yeah too much rum, stupid ho!

Vinegar: I’m telling you right now Han…

Hanson: Shhhhhh, my drum roll

Daniel Hanson repeatedly taps on the announce desk, simulating a drum roll.

Hanson: Tonight with all GIW’s loyal supporters aboard tha Hanson train…

Vinegar: Oh dear!

Hanson: We get to see Travis Roberts and Gabrielle in the ring…at the end of the show…so everyone may as well turn to another channel till then. But make sure to tune in and see Jack lose that for my Gabby.

Vinegar: So she’s still ‘your’ Gabby?

Hanson: Of course.

Vinegar: Okay.

Hanson: Damn right! Tune in before then actually because the other half of Blessed Immortality; The Lord Chief Donovan Hastings is going to take BoolZ’s boy toy out.

Vinegar: For dinner?

Hanson: Hey I make the jokes around here…and what do you mean by okay…she is mine. She just won’t look at me…or talk to me…or return my phone calls.

Vinegar: You’ve said it all partner, besides of course the fact that we have another exciting edition of Sentinel in store Paul Cockatoo taking on Aragato, Boss P’s new muscle going against The Dark Rose Chassie Fear, Former Global Champion Alex Kiseragi faces a challenge in Raenius, Moss Edwards has possibly the toughest Championship defense of his career against former GIW Champion; Komo…

A didgeridoo interrupts Nickolas Vinegar mid speech as the impending arrival of Paul Cockatoo receives a warm response from the fans.

Hanson: Haha you got interrupted by that drummer guy, from that band, that plays music and generally annoys me.

Vinegar: Do I sense jealousy?

Beds Are Burning" by Midnight Oil takes over the P.A. system as "the original Aboriginal" makes his way down to the ring.

Dennis: Introducing first for our first match up of the night in his first match here in GIW, weighing 190lbs, from the Torres Straight Islands in Queensland Australia; PAULLLLLLLL COKAAAAAAAAAAAATOOOOOOOOOOO

Hanson: Just because my dad wouldn’t buy me a drum kit for Christmas

Vinegar: Are you crying?

Hanson: No.

Paul smiles a big smile showing blindingly white teeth. as he walks down, he high fives a couple of fans, and if he can, manages to take a peek down some hot girls tops. he slides into the ring, and does an air drum solo to the drum solo of beds are burning, before flashing another smile to the crowd and awaiting Aragato.

Vinegar: So little Hanson wanted to be a drummer?

Hanson: No.

Aragato’s entrance music then begins playing as he as always comes out with his belt of kendo sticks around his waist.

Dennis: And his opponent from Kyoto, Japan and weighing 210 pounds he is ARAAAAAGAAAAAAATOOOOOOOO

Aragato then makes his way down to the ring, climbing the ropes he stops momentarily gazing out over the crowd and babbling incomprehensibly before he jumps inside the ring, slinking about as his attention fixes to Paul Cockatoo.

Hanson: Let’s just get this match underway…Blessed Immortalities appearances are a long way away.

Vinegar: Well I doubt that it’s for you, but these two guys have got the match underway, locking up in the center of the ring, Aragato though with a stiff palm strike to Paul’s chest sends him stumbling back before he’s met with a flurry of knees that drop him to the canvas. Aragato pulling him back up and takes him right back down with a knee facebuster

Hanson: All I ever wanted was a drum kit.

Vinegar: Okay…Paul getting back to his feet, avoids Aragato’s elbow strikes and takes him down with a side belly to belly suplex, that’s followed up by a clothesline and another now here’s the first pin of the match.

Peterson: 1-2-

Vinegar: Kickout! Paul now going for a DDT, but Aragato arm drags his way out of it, both men back up and a hard headbutt to the chest of Paul and another, Aragato locking their arms up and now repeatedly slamming his head into Paul’s chest.

Hanson: Every birthday I asked for one

Vinegar: Paul stumbling back now, Mr. Deathmatch charges, but Paul avoids, attempts his own clothesline which is ducked, Aragato now going for a thrust kick but he’s caught. Enziguri…a weak one though…this could be the Bell Enziguri. It is Aragato repeating those kicks to the head before springing up into a hurricanrana. Paul rolls through onto his feet though…not on purpose it would seem, he’s incredibly disoriented.

Hanson: Every year at Christmas as well.

Vinegar: Aragato charging and takes them both over the top rope with a crossbody. Paul struggling back up his opponent charges but Paul steps in. Aragato’s caught around the throat and hoisted up into the air; Chokeslam right on the ring apron, Aragato rolls off and gets put down with a Gutbuster. Native Garret now rolling Aragato back in the ring, following him in takes him down with a suplex and into the pin

Peterson: 1-2-

Vinegar: Kickout! Paul now stomping away but Aragato grabs his ankle yanking him down to his knee and clubbing away at his knee before rolling to his feet and Judo throwing Paul to the ground. Follows that up with a legdrop…a knee drop…then a elbow drop. Aragato stepping back now and a vicious shining wizard.

Peterson: 1-2-

Vinegar: Kickout! Both men coming back to their feet, Paul blocks a thrust kick and spears Aragato to the ground, mounting him and clubbing away. Referee Owen Peterson stepping in though, admonishing Paul as Aragato gets back to his feet, charging at Cockatoo who ducks it and hits him with a vicious lariat on the rebound.

Hanson: I never did get that drum kit

Vinegar: Tell you what if you focus on the match I’ll talk to Paul and maybe you’ll get to bash away at a drum kit. Paul lifting Aragato back up going for the Fall From Ularu. Aragato counters though, hits a vicious elbow to Paul before picking him up and placing him atop the turnbuckle, a superplex attempt coming up…Paul though fights back, striking away and grabbing his opponents head…Broken Drum!

Hanson: Okay, Paul Cockatoo going for the pin…

Peterson: 1-2-3

Hanson: You’re still getting me that drumming session with that guy.

Vinegar: Paul.

Hanson: Yeah him, the drummer guy in the band with those other young kids, ya know the one with the girl whose going to get fat…THERE CALLED CONDOMS! Rookie mistake.

Vinegar: Well Paul’s coming this way.

Hanson: Shit so is a kendo stick.

Aragato having put his belt back on around his waist ahs just sent a kendo stick sailing through the air towards Paul Cockatoo, it misses its mark though and gets Daniel Hanson between the eyes as then Aragato grabs several more in his hands and charges out of the ring after Paul Cockatoo, chasing him back up the ramp way.

Hanson: I don’t want to be a drummer anymore.

[T-Robosaurus Rex]

A caption that reads 'Earlier Today' appears on the corner of the screen. We see a man wearing a black hooded jacket walking down the hallway. A security guy walks up to him.

Guy: 'Scuse me, sir. Do you have proper identification to be ---

The guy is interrupted by a huge flame omitting from the hood, knocking the man backwards into the wall and he falls down unconscious. The man continues down the corridor and stops at a door that reads 'RAENIUS'. The man tests the doorknob to see if the door is unlocked. The room is unlocked so he enters the room. After a moment the man comes back out of the room and we see smoke following him. We now see the 'face' of the man under the hood but it is covered by a white mask with writing on it. The man steps towards the camera.

Man: Raenius.. To quote a bitch from a movie... Don't let your memories kill you. Don't forget me, Raenius. I have returned.

The man walks back down the way he came as the scene fades as security rush to put out the flames.

Vinegar: Ezekiel Pax is Back!

Hanson: Where did he go?

Vinegar: What?

Hanson: Where did he go? Did I miss something?

Vinegar: Well he hasn’t been on the show or around GIW much since losing the Tag Titles to Hiroshima at Affirmative Action. I don’t think we ever covered where he went, or even that he went...

Hanson: That was sloppy of us wasn’t it?

Vinegar: A little.

Hanson: Where’s Marek?

Vinegar: Do I look like Xavier Bryan?

Hanson: You wish. Still I wonder where Xavier is too...they both went as well didn’t they?

Vinegar: Yeah.

Hanson: And we haven’t covered them either have we?

Vinegar: no.

Hanson: Do you think we should?

Vinegar: Probably.

Hanson: So?

Vinegar: So what?

Hanson: Are we going to clear it up?

Vinegar: At some point I’m sure we will, or just undergo industry amnesia...

Hanson: OK...I guess...a bit of a cop out though isn’t it?

Vinegar: Probably. Well our next match was ordered by Boss Penguin last week, after Chassie Fear interfered in the GIW.com Title Match between Moss Edwards and Tobias Erndhart. Along with hiring ‘The Monster’ as his muscle, this is another display of Boss P trying to crack down on insubordinance. Ahead of GIW’s forced exile from the country for No Holds Barred...

Hancock: Yeah...but Japan Nick! It’s hardly a prison sentence is it? Have you heard of Geisha Girls?

Vinegar: Your mind is a Sewer, it really is. But Boss P’s mind seems to be a sickening place to be, Chassie Fear is being thrown against his handpicked Number 1 Contender challenger, Dredd a man who has been in some great form this year.

Hancock: It’ll take more form to get past our Lord Chief Nigga, mark my words. But I wouldn’t write off ‘The Dark Rose’ tonight, you can’t predict a thing this woman will do. Women like that scare me...

Vinegar: I’m sure the idea of you scares them more Dan.

Hanson: As long as they stay away I don’t care...

Vinegar: Don’t they all?

Hanson: Wait? When did you start smack talking me? I think you’ve misinterpreted our relationship, you are quite clearly my bitch!

“Cyanide Sweet Tooth Suicide” hits the stadium PA, and fans greet the sound with a mixture of boo’s.

Dennis: The next match is scheduled for one fall, introducing first, weighing 120lbs, CHAAAAASIE FEAR.

Vinegar: And Chassie darts out from backstage full of energy, barely taking a moment to pause on stage and look out across the fans that have began turning against her in recent weeks.

Hanson: I’m not sure she cares to be honest, and honestly if the fans feel tormenting Moss Edwards is reason to boo someone, they’re obviously retarded.

Vinegar: You always find a way to insult the fans don’t you, those guys pay your wages.

Hanson: It’s great isn’t it, they just keep coming back for more abuse, and my paycheques just get bigger!

“Divine” Hits and Dredd comes out to a mixed reception.

Dennis: And her opponent, weighing 385lbs, he is ‘The Monster’, DREEEEEEEEEEEEEDD!!!

Vinegar: Dredd walks onto the stage with a sick smile, he cracks his knuckles in front of him and walks at a steady pace down the ramp.

Hanson: he looks like he wants to tear Chassie Fear’s spleen out and feed it down Hazel East’s throat. But Chassie is meeting ‘The Monster’s stare head on, she’s hopping from foot to foot, not flinching as a man who weighs nearly three times as much as her marches forward...

Vinegar: She’s going to have to stay focused, and she knows it. She can’t think about whatever games she’s playing with Moss right now, she has to concentrate on the imposing Deep Ellum resident.

Hanson: And he really is imposing, he still looks bigger than Chassie as he ducks under the ropes...

Vinegar: Chassie not waiting for the bell, hits a dropkick to Dredd’s knee before he can fully regain balance. As he falls forward onto his arms Chassie springs back up and hits another dropkick to the same knee...

Hanson: She’s playing smart, she knows Dredd’s ageing and his joints won’t be in the greatest shape...I can’t imagine he drinks much cod liver oil...

Vinegar: Chassie not letting up, now aiming kick after kick at Dredd’s knee, but ‘The Monster’ seem’s to bore of this and eventually manages to grab hold of Chassie’s foot, and just flips her onto her back, as he slowly climbs to his feet.

Hanson: But he hasn’t come out unharmed, he’s reaching down to his knee, that early bit of smart thinking from Chassie could pay dividends the longer this match goes on...

Vinegar: But Dredd is still smiling, and I don’t think he has any intention to let this match last long, as he stomps down on Chassie’s midsection before she can get up...then puts both hands around Chassie’s throat and pulls her to her feet and then into the air, whilst choking her...

Hanson: Hazel East counting, but Dredd is just laughing...

Vinegar: Boss P obviously wants Dredd to send a message to everyone in the back, don’t mess with his shows, he’s losing patience...

Hanson: Ouch, that’s gotta hurt!

Vinegar: Chassie with a kick to Dredd;s nether regions, and she lands on her feet, and slams another kick into Dredd’s knee, and then grabs the knee and executes a dragon screw, sending the still in pain Dredd to the ground...

Hanson: I have a feeling Chassie really isn’t a fan of men...in general...

Vinegar: She’s certainly not a fan of Dredd right now, she has climbed the turnbuckle and comes down with a fluent moonsault, and goves for the cover...

1...

2...

Hanson: Dredd powers out, and rolls to his knee’s, and gets to his feet...

Vinegar: Chassie sprang to her feet though, and runs at Dredd, hitting him with a Hurricanrana, that sends him back to the ground...and she climbs the ropes again...Elbow Dro...

Hanson: NO! Dredd Rolls out of the way, and Chassie crashes to the canvas...

Vinegar: Dredd now gets to his feet, grabs a handful of Chassie’s hair, and drags her to her feet...and unloads a series of jabs, followed by an uppercut that sends ‘The Dark Rose’ stumbling backwards into the corner...

Hanson: Dredd lifts Chassie onto the top rope...climbs up after her...SUPERPLE...

Vinegar: NO! In mid-air Chassie Shifts her weight and ends up landing on top of Dredd, and hooks the leg...

1...

2...

Hanson: NO! Dredd gets his shoulder up, and Chassie climbs back to her feet...takes a few steps back...as Dredd comes to his feet she springboards off the second rope...HURICANRA...

Vinegar: COUNTERED! VISCIOUS POWERBOMB!!!

Hanson: Chassies head bounces of the mat a couple of times...and Dredd isn’t messing about, he drags ‘The Dark Rose’ by the hair over to the turnbuckle...lifts her...

Vinegar: CONCRETE PILEDRIVER!!!

Hanson: And the cover...

1...

2...

3!!!

Dennis: Here is your winner, THE MONSTER, DREEEEEEEDD!!!

Vinegar: Well Dredd grabs a victory through sheer power from a spirited Chassie Fear, in the end ‘The Monster’ was just too powerful for her. But the real question is, will this be enough to teach ‘The Dark Rose’ the lesson Boss P wanted? And did it send out a message to the other guys in the back about interfering?

Hanson: We’ll have to wait and see I guess...to be honest I’m not sure I care...

[T-Robosaurus Rex]

Spoon announces the arrival of GIW.Com Champion, Moss Edwards. He steps out onto the entryway, cutting a dapper figure and nodding in acknowledgment of the crowd’s pop. Grace Harding steps out next to him, title belt draped over her shoulder. The two make their way towards the ring. He stops midway to glare at someone holding a sign reading “www.GIW.Chump” but there is no incident.

Vinegar: We’re approaching the two month mark of The Auteur’s title reign, which is impressive when you consider the high caliber of talent we have here at Global Impact.

Hanson: Yeah, you have to be willing to get your hands dirty. Why, Moss’s deviousness almost makes him the Travis Roberts of the midcard.

Vinegar: I wouldn’t call it deviousness, Daniel. Most of these worked finishes are out of his own control.

Hanson: Then I retract my statement until it is proven that this has all been one masterplan. At which point I will ascribe a catchy hard-to-pronounce acronym to it.

Moss: Target demographic, it is with a heavy heart that must inform you that due to the machinations of one Chastity Fear, I remain at five truly successful defenses. So Keith gets the night off, and I will simply try extra hard to put away Kokomosube quickly, before any more such mishaps can occur.

Vinegar: That may be easier said than done. Edwards gives up well over 200 pounds to The Japanese Powerhouse.

Moss: Up until the unfortunate ending, I must admit I was intrigued by the young buck I found myself in the ring with. And I started thinking, we only see this man with the infinitely more charismatic Randolph Boolshan. Maybe we haven’t given him a fair shake. Then I realized, I have my own interview segment. Let’s solve a little mystery, right here tonight, on Head Shots!

A stream of pyro goes off on the entryway. Moss stares up the ramp then shakes his head.

Moss: Has it come to the point where I have to manually place the canisters myself? I thought we were over these technical mishaps, I really did. It’s almost like you guys are in cahoots, yes I said cahoots, with the Hot Topic Warriors. I’ll deal with you in a bit. Right now, I have an interview to do.

Hanson: No Hammer, don’t hurt ‘em!

Moss: So let’s bring him out, eh? Target demographic, give a moderate amount of applause to Tobias Ernhardt!

The overly familiar flick and pop of a Zippo and Red Bull coming to life signal Chevelle’s “Wonder What’s Next”. The fans instantly rise to their feet as Tobias Erndhart steps out from the entrance ramp with a huge smile splattered across his face. As he makes his way to the ring it becomes clear BoolZ is not accompanying MJ’s Pet, and the crowd slowly silences and returns to their seat. Tobias stops as he notices the change of crowd reaction, the smile disappears, and he finishes the trip to the ring with a hard steady march.

Vinegar: This may be the first time Tobias has been seen in the GIW Arena without his mentor Randy Boolzian.

Hanson: What exactly do you learn when you’re tutored by the Red Bull Icky? Picking up floozies? Double fisting energy drinks?

Moss: You are a stocky fellow, aren’t you? Probably did, what, college football?

Tobias: Full scholarship for the prissy fancy film student toss. And I did, I do, great. What’s it to you? Jealous, wish you could live half the life, have half the potential, regret watching from the safety of your camera?

Hanson: I guess MJ’s Project picked up on MJ’s Pity Case’s bad attitude.

Moss: Absolutely not. I’m just interested, because we here at HeadShots, we don’t really know anything about you. So who is Tobias Earhard?

Tobias: Erndhart. The name is Erndhart.

Moss: Rodehard?

Tobias: Erndhart. The name is Erndhart, Alfred Bitchcock!

Moss: What ever, but of all the ham and eggers that they could saddle Randolph with, why you? More to the point, of all the horrid things we’ve seen Mary Jo Roberts do, what did you manage to get a hold of to blackmail her with?

Tobias: Blackmail? Are you kidding me? Listen to me, chief. I don’t defend my titles by losing matches. I don’t rely on pretty little girls to save me from a beating. I don’t celebrate and track my failures so I can parade them around week in and week out as something to be proud of. I don’t contact people, they contact me. I don’t blackmail people, like I didn’t blackmail you last week when I beat you.

Moss: Counterpoint number 1, that match never truly ended. You didn’t pin me. And counterpoint number 2, you were about to hit me with Bouillon’s DDT. Seems strange that such a big, virile fellow like yourself would rely on another man’s knockout. Mr. Armbar, are you or are not simply Randy Lite?

Tobias: Randy Lite? You little art-loving, slutty-librarian-toting buffoon, you listen to me! I’m Tomorrow’s Main Event! You think I need that overworked DDT! You want to feel, you want to face the Cataclysm!

Vinegar: It looks like we’re about to get a rematch from last week, right here right now!

Hanson: Whoa, Randy Lite’s got Moss by the collar!

MJ: TOBIAS ERNDHART! Tobias, you get out of that ring, this instant!

Hanson: And there’s Mary-Ho!

Vinegar: Edwards counters Tobias’s massive grip, the two square off…

MJ: NOW TOBIAS!

Vinegar: And look at this Tobias is climbing out of the ring, the whole time staring down Moss Edwards, who simply responds by holding up his GIW.com Title belt.

Hanson: That’s the Interweb Championship, plebian. I quite like this Edwards guy.

Vinegar: Folks Erndhart is leaving with MJ, Edwards is standing firmly in the ring, and I have no idea what a ‘Cataclysm’ is.

Hanson: It’s probably that gape in MJ’s…

Vinegar: And lets move on, before we get even more hate mail from concerned parents shall we.

Hanson: And thus ends another useless segment.

Vinegar: How do you define useless?

Hanson: Does it have Gabby, Travis Roberts, or Lord Hastings in it? If the answer is no, it’s a useless segment.

Vinegar: Sometimes I envy how simplistic your life is. Either way, Moss and Harding trudge back up the ramp to get ready for the match against Komosube.

[T-Robosaurus Rex]

Vinegar: Now our next match will see two very disparate styles.

Hanson: Disparate? What kind of show do you think you're on?

Vinegar: Either way, two very different individuals.

Hanson: Yes. One of them practices an alternative lifestyle.

"Teahouse" comes over the speakers.

Hanson: Oh, speak of the devil.

Mitchell: The following contest is scheduled for one fall. Introducing first, from San Francisco, California, weighing in at 198 pounds, ALEX KISERAAAGIIIIIIII!

The Dragon steps out onto the entrance, followed by Katie Piper. He throws a few kicks into the air then marches down the ramp. Behind his back, Katie throws a fist to the crowd, receiving an extra pop.

Vinegar: Now Alex has been having a bit of trouble reining in Katie Piper's enthusiasm. She barely avoided getting her first in-ring experience with Lord Hastings last week.

Hanson: I again state that there is no evidence that Lord Hastings was going to do anything more than talk to her.

"Warmegeddon" announces the arrival of Raenius to the arena. He stalks down the ramp and tosses his tshirt into the crowd before rolling into the ring.

Mitchell: And his opponent, from Northern Ireland, weighing in at 250 pounds, The Resident Evil, RAAAAEEEENIIIIIIUUUUUUSSS!

Vinegar: While Alex has been having problems with Katie Piper, Raenius's recent problems all seem to stem from himself. We're seeing a man with a war raging inside his mind.

Hanson: So all the rest of us are just caught in the crossfire eh?

Vinegar: Owen Peterson calls for the bell, and this match is underway. The two men circling each other, as I said before I was interrupted before, both men have very different styles. We're going to see martial arts versus bare knuckle brawling.

Hanson: Yeah, The Dragon is used to bare back, but not bare knuckles.

Vinegar: Did you fill your quota yet?

Hanson: I filled your hot dead mom's quota. Bam!

Vinegar: Kiseragi with the first move, a kick to the midsection, but it's caught by Raenius, and he brings down an elbow, crushing The Dragon's knee.

Hanson: Then a fierce backhand sends the Rainbow Warrior to the mat. Wait for it...Kip up!

Vinegar: Now the Dragon with a right hand, Raenius catches him again, and yanks him around by the arm.

Hanson: He's keeping KisKis from getting his footing, while also putting wear on the shoulder.

Vinegar: Pulls him in for the short-arm clothesline. Now jumping onto him to drive knees into Dragon's head.

Hanson: The Resident Evil is taking out frustration on the Dragon's face.

Vinegar: Owen Peterson giving him the five count to break the hold, and Kiseragi shakes the cobwebs out. Now, Alex says he's not scared of masks, but what other advantages and disadvantages does Raenius still get from his ringwear?

Hanson: Well, depending on what the thing is made of, it could be very hot, sweaty, stifling, it's harder to breathe in, it limits your vision. But the advantages, you have a little bit of protection in that oh so easily cut area above the eye, plus your opponent simply can't read you, which is a huge coup.

Vinegar: Ladies and gentlemen, that was Daniel Hanson actually giving a seriously considered answer to a wrestling question.

Hanson: Don't get used to it Tubby.

Vinegar: Now Kiseragi and Raenius circling each other again, Kiseragi tries another kick to the midsection.

Hanson: Second verse, same as the first. Raenius catches it.

Vinegar: But now the Dragon is ready to counter with the enziguri, spinning Raenius around! And followed up by a bulldog!

Hanson: Well, Piper seemed to enjoy it. You know, there is an upside to Kiseragi winning.

Vinegar: Which is?

Hanson: It makes Fangirl bounce up and down.

Vinegar: Snap suplex! Raenius sitting up now, but Alex is already bounding off the ropes to deliver a low dropkick to the face!

Hanson: See, it's like stimulus-response. Dragon hits somebody, girl gets as jittery as BoolZ when his pack runs out.

Vinegar: Now the Dragon gesturing to the turnbuckle, the crowd cheers him on.

Hanson: Last week when he listened to the crowd, he whiffed. You'd think a man would learn.

Vinegar: Alex gets up into position, but the Resident Evil has the presence to dive at the top rope and Alex trips!

Hanson: Crouching tiger, posted janglies!

Vinegar: Now Raenius climbs onto the second turnbuckle, and leaps off for a Super Death Valley Driver!

Hanson: You can't see Raenius!

Vinegar: A big move, but he's not resting on his laurels. Lifting up Alex in a powerbomb position.

Hanson: Five bucks he reverses it into a rana.

Vinegar: And the Dragon is driving into the mat! Pay up.

Hanson: The one time someone doesn't do a friggin' rana in a match.

Vinegar: Now Raenius with a standing leg drop, and the pin, 1 2, kick out!

Hanson: It's not really a fair fight, Dragon's fighting a man with at least two personalities, while he barely has one of his own.

Vinegar: Raenius picking Alex off the mat, who fires off some sharp chops. Irish whip, but's it's reversed. Raenius ducks for the back drop.

Hanson: Five bucks on a boot to the head.

Vinegar: Spinning DDT! Pay up.

Hanson: Dammit!

Vinegar: Both men struggling to their feet, The Dragon charges forward.

Hanson: Into a Big Boot! Now he picks up KisKis, and gives him the Snake Eyes!

Vinegar: The Dragon's head bounces off of that post, and he staggers back into a neckbreaker.

Hanson: Another cover, and another two count.

Vinegar: This doesn't look good for Kiseragi, Raenius seems to be getting into position for the Full Frontal.

Hanson: Come on, Piper, tell your idol there to stay on the mat.

Vinegar: Here he comes! Raenius charging at The Dragon! Alex lets him charge right into a small package! 1 2 3!

Hanson: Holy Steamboat! I wish we could see the look on The Resident Evil's face, that pin came out of nowhere!

Mitchell: Here is your winner, ALEX THE DRAGOOOOOON KISERAAAAGIII!!

Vinegar: Alex quick to leave the ring, and I don't think I blame him.

Hanson: His biggest fan should follow his example, looks like she's trying to get a closer look at Raenius's mask. He gives her the old pieface, and the Dragon pulls her out from underneath the ropes.

Vinegar: Raenius let her know he's not in the mood to talk right now, and she's complaining to Alex as they march back up the ramp.

Hanson: Was that nasty man rude to you baby? Come tell Uncle Hanson all about it.

Vinegar: Don't let Dan's creepiness keep you from tuning back in after the break folks, the GIW.Com Title is on the line, next!

[T-Robosaurus Rex]

Hanson: Alrighty so I got Moss retaining when a midget, we’ll say cowboy midget Chris Austin finds himself in the ring, and then is eaten whole by that fat sack of crap Komosube.

Vinegar: At least you picked a winner, but I think Komosube is going to have Edwards number here. Moss’s luck can’t last forever, and one on one there is no one like Komosube in the GIW.

Hanson: Thank god.

Vinegar: Well then, let’s send it to Mitchell Dennis for the interdictions.

Hanson: Ok, here it goes.

Dennis: Ladies and gentlemen the following contest is scheduled for one fall, and is for the GIW Dot Com Championship! Introducing first, the challenger, standing six foot nine inches, weighting in at 409 pounds, this is Komosube!

The ring goes semi-dark, only to take up the same coloring as a paper-lantern. On the Globotron, an image of a mushroom cloud engulfing Hiroshima appears, along with the proper sound that got recorded with the footage. Then, "Endless Song" kicks in and Komosube enters the ring, decked out in a traditional kimono and wooden sandles, eating a bowl of food, usually rice, but sometimes something else, but Asian-related. Walking with him is a small man who is dressed like a medievil Japanese farmer, complete with wooden sandles, a strange bandana tied around his head, and a silk tank-top sort of kimono, that ends at his thighs. On the man's back is a giant wooden sake container, that he seems to have trouble lifting. Komosube and the strange old man make their way to the ring, Komosube casual, enjoying his food and picking it over with his chopsticks, the man sort of briskly jogging, strained by the sake container. When they finally get to the base of the ring, Komosube casually throws both the bowl and the chopsticks aside, belching slightly and grabbing the back of the sake barrel. With the peasant still attached to the barrel, Komosube lifts it into the air and loudly gulps from it, the wiry old guy kicking and feebly squirming around. Then, Komosube removes the kimono and steps out of the sandles, climbing into the ring and awaiting his opponent.

Hanson: That poor little sake man.

Vinegar: That unreal strength from the Great Komosube!

Hanson: I would like to change my prediction though. I’m now calling the match in Moss Edwards favor, but only because I believe would have been smart enough to ‘taint’ Sumo’tubby’s pre-match snack.

Vinegar: You really think Moss Edwards can’t simply win a match?

Hanson: NO, I know Moss Edwards can’t simply ‘win’ a match.

Dennis: And his opponent standing six foot even, weighting in at 180 pounds, he is the GIW Dot Com Champion, his is the Auteur, this is Moss Edwards!

The arena goes dark and silent momentarily, then a solitary spotlight shines near the entrance. A young man who looks like a Newsies extra squats in front of the entryway in the spotlight, holding a clapboard. He shouts action, claps it down, and the slam is punctuated by the entryway exploding in sparks and the first staccato chords of ‘I Turn My Camera On’ by Spoon. Moss steps through the sparks followed by Grace Harding. He wears a Kangol, glasses, a leather vest, and the GIW .com title. He stands for a moment, surveys the crowd through “shot framing hands”. They move down the walkway after Grace hands Moss his camera. The Auteur's camera links to the live feed, so when he shoots footage it can be shown on the screen. He treats the crowd like a documentary subject, asking them questions or putting himself in the shot and talking about how sad their lives are. When they get to the ring, he puts his camera in the corner and has Grace remove his hat, glasses, and vest from ringside. Grace steps to the outside avoiding the scowl from Komosube as Moss hops up on the corner post to play to the crowd.

Hanson: I’d like to change my vote again. KimonoGrande forgets he hates all things not oriental, is distracted by Grace and her absolute beauty, knocks the hell outta Moss, then gets counted out chasing Grace as she runs for life.

Vinegar: Alright, now there’s an improvement. You’ve finally given credit to one of the participants in this match.

Hanson: Who!?

Vinegar: Komosube.

Hanson: Oh, no, don’t be misconstruing my words. My intention was not to give credit to the Japanese fat ass, but more to take credit away from the Author.

Vinegar: Auteur.

Hanson: Whatever.

Vinegar: Dick.

Hanson: That’s why YO MOMMA loves me!

Vinegar: New way of reacting to your sick suggestions of unsatisfying my dead mother is now to not react. Referee Glenn Burke calls for the bell, and we’re underway!

Hanson: Kind of. See Moss doesn’t even know it’s a wrestling match, as he’s just filming and trying to direct KemoSicky. He’s even got that camcorder hooked up to the Globotron.

Vinegar: And what a great shot of Komo’s right fist smashing into Edwards’ skull!

Hanson: AND ACTION!!

Vinegar: Komosube forcing Edwards back to the corner with those open handed palm shots, Moss pushed into the corner, MY GOD WHAT A KNIFE EDGE CHOP!

Hanson: I think my heart skipped a beat on that one, that one too, and that one!

Vinegar: Edwards trying to cover his chest, and slumps down in that corner.

Komosube: HAIL!!!

Hanson: Yeah, cause that’ll win.

Vinegar: Komosube pulling Moss back to his feet, hard Irish whip to the opposite corner, Komo following him in, avalanche, and nobody home!

Hanson: I’m surprised KiloFatty didn’t gas on the way.

Vinegar: Komo in the corner turns around, Moss with a head of steam, connects with a running knee to the massive skull of the Japanese Powerhouse, he pushes off, Fadeout…

Hanson: And Kupo pushes him off…

Vinegar: Komosube stumbles out of the courner, and Moss connects with a standing enziguri. Wait Final Fantasy?

Hanson: Kingdom Hearts II.

Vinegar: Oh. Komo staggered, but still on his feet. Moss to the ropes, springboard round house kick, and Komo to the ropes but still on his feet.

Hanson: It was a little slow to begin, but I loved the story. Good example of redemption I think with Riku.

Vinegar: Where’s the spoiler alert?

Hanson: What the game’s been out for a few years already. Anyone who hasn’t played it yet a) doesn’t know what they’re missing, and b) doesn’t really care. Besides where was Kairi’s warning of that springboard Dramatic Effect!

Vinegar: Komo finally taken off his feet with a thunderous crash! Wait Kairi?

Hanson: Huh, oh damnit I got wrapped up. Like I wrap YO MOMMA up when we’re doing the whole cosplay thing and I’m Sora with ma Key Wang!

Vinegar: Moss measuring, Komosube to a knee, Shining Wizard, and that has to make someone happy!

Hanson: I said me and Organization XIII ran train on YO MOMMA!

Vinegar: Komo staggers to the ropes, Moss to the far corner, springboard, no he runs the tight wire across the ring, and hits that Thumbs Down! Komo stumbles back into the ring, and the big man is in trouble!

Hanson: YO MOMMA’s a Nobody anyway!

Vinegar: Moss on the apron, Komo forcing himself to his feet, I think he’s smiling, Moss with a springboard SHINING WIZARD!

Hanson: And Pete with a massive powerbomb!

Vinegar: Moss Edwards just got folded in half! Pete?

Hanson: Damnit! Ah, I mean YO MOMMA plays wit’ ma peter!

Vinegar: Komosube follows up with a tremendous leg drop on top of Moss Edwards neck. He holds for a cover!

Burke: ONE!

Hanson: Wait, he isn’t distracted yet?

Burke: TWO!!

Vinegar: And Edwards gets a shoulder up. Komosube pulling Moss up, and sends him crashing down with a goliath like belly to belly suplex! I think he just crushed Moss Edwards flat with that.

Hanson: It’s gotta be hard wrestling a man over 200 pounds heavier than yourself. It’s almost like being in bed with half of YO MOMMA!

Vinegar: Komosube gesturing to the crowd that that’s it. He picks Moss up, literally, picks him straight up off the canvas, Michinoku Driver!

Hanson: I think Moss is about to see what flat is, Kmart pulling him closer to the corner, and he’s starting to climb those ropes!

Vinegar: Grace, well look at Grace…

Hanson: Love to.

Vinegar: She doesn’t even really look all that concerned. Is she always this composed?

Hanson: How would I know?

Vinegar: Wait, no, c’mon I had a joke about her looking disappointed with Hanson Train. Damnit!

Hanson: You suck.

Vinegar: Banzai-sault!

Hanson: And luck works out for him again, as Moss just barely gets out of the ring in time to avoid 400 pounds crashing down on his chest.

Vinegar: Folks the impact of Komosube hitting the mat shook senior official Glenn Burke right to the canvas!

Hanson: I shook YO MOMMA all night long!

Vinegar: Moss pushing on climbs back onto the apron, springboard, Shooting Star Press…

Hanson: And he lands on his knees right into KipUps spine! That had to hurt.

Vinegar: And now it’s Moss signaling for the end and shouting direction for Komosube.

Hanson: I really hate this thing he does with his hands. Just hit the damn move already. Wait the Dark Rose making her way down the ramp with a chair!

Vinegar: I think he’s found the best angle…

Hanson: Grace trying to warn Moss, Chassie in the ring!

Vinegar: Moss off the ropes, Cutting Room, and right into a vicious chair shot from Ms. Fear! There’s the bell!

Hanson: OH CAT FIGHT! Gracie’s getting in the ring! I want a wardrobe malfunction!

Vinegar: Fear not backing down, wait a minute she sees Komosube, he sees her, and now she’s backing down!

Hanson: Not really, just recognizing when she’s out numbered, and you know she’s probably still sore from that match with Dredd! Boss P’s muscle living up to the expectations of being Boss P’s muscle.

Vinegar: Regardless that leaves Edwards, Grace, and Komosube in the ring! Komo is clearly filling with his trademarked rage, Edwards slides out of the ring, and pulls Grace who might have been frozen.

Hanson: Deer in the headlights Nick. She must’a heard about that Canadian masseuse.

Vinegar: Moss with his belt, and they’re wasting little time following after Chassie Fear up that ramp!

Dennis: Ladies and gentlemen your winner by disqualification, and still GIW Dot Com Champion, Moss ‘The Auteur’ Edwards!

Vinegar: What exactly is Chassie Fear trying to accomplish with her interrupting .com title matches?

Hanson: I figure Moss has probably cast her in the role of an ugly middle aged psycho path, and she’s just doing research.

[T-Robosaurus Rex]

Vinegar: Well, we're one match removed from the main event Daniel. So this is where your fanboy tendencies come to the forefront.

Hanson: Oh yeah! Lord Hastings and Travis Roberts, back to back!

Vinegar: Indeed. Before we throw to Dennis Mitchell, Roxy Malone's had a celebrity-sighting. Isn't that right, Roxy?

Roxy: I'm here with Bret Michaels, washed up rockstar and reality TV dating sensation! How are you and your flock of drugged out, VD-infested groupies enjoying the show tonight?

Reeves: Sorry, Roxy, I was here first.

Roxy: Jason? I didn't recognize you with that blonde wig, mini skirt, and set of fake tits.

Reeves: Yeah, I'm on to you sister. I know how you operate. But now Reeves is in the hot bitch hizouse!

Michaels: Wait, you're a dude? I'm sorry, but we won't be making music together. Turn in your backstage pass and remember that every rose has it's thorn.

Hanson: Man, that guy gets all the sad desperate poon. Lucky.

Vinegar: Speaking of sad and desperate, here comes Owen Peterson to ready the ring for Lord Hastings' arrival.

Mitchell: LadiesandgentlementhefollowingmatchisscheduledforonefallintroducingfirstLordHastings!

Vinegar: Dennis Mitchell beat Peterson to the punch this week!

"Immortal" hits the speakers and Lord Hastings approaches the ring.

Vinegar: Well, Hastings doesn't look too disappointed in his hasty introduction...um, who's that guy?

Hanson: That's our dear Lord, of course.

Vinegar: No, the little guy with the beret following him down the ramp.

Lord Hastings rolls into the ring and has Peterson remove his robe. Then he steps forward and poses, standing perfectly still. And he continues to pose. And continues to pose.

Vinegar: Is that man...does he...is he setting up an easel?

Hanson: Obviously our esteemed Chief Lordship has commisioned a portrait to capture his powerful essence in a classical medium.

Vinegar: Kids, if you're watching this, remember what Grandpa put up with to put you through college.

The flick. The can. Chevelle. The crowd eyes the entryway carefully, as Tobias Ernhardt steps onto the stage. The tension builds as Tobias obviously sneers at the people in attendance. Finally, Randy Boolzian steps out, hands hidden in the front pocket of his hoodie, cigarette hanging out of his mouth. The crowd erupts and Randy nods at them in acknowledgement. He trails behind as Tobias stomps down the ramp.

Vinegar: You know what they say, Dan. Absence makes the heart grow fonder. This crowd letting Randy Boolzian know that they can't wait for his suspension to be lifted.

Hanson: Why? Tubby here can do all the same moves with the added bonus of no itchy jock.

Mitchell: And his opponent, from Medford, Oregon, TOBIAAAAS EEEEERNHAAARDT!

Vinegar: Tobias bouncing from foot to foot, a stark contrast to Hastings, who is still standing perfectly still. Hazel East calls for the bell, and Tobias charges forward.

Hanson: Only to be met with...a finger? Hastings telling him to wait a moment, and now resumes his posing.

Vinegar: Tobias looks at the Red Bull Icon, who just shrugs and pulls a can out of his pocket. Appeals to referee East, another shrug.

Hanson: You can't rush a masterpiece, Nick. I can see it from here, it's looking magnificent.

Vinegar: Tobias loses his patience and rolls up Hastings in the schoolboy!

Hanson: First he bullies Edwards, now he ruins the painting, I think BoolZ Jr hates art!

Vinegar: Kick out at two, and Tobias with a standing dropkick, another pin attempt.

Hanson: Out at one, you can't beat the Lord with a dropkick.

Vinegar: Hastings charging forwards, receives an armdrag! Back to his feet, another armdrag!

Hanson: Oh the dreaded armdrag. Lord Hastings is a five star mat technician, you need to do better than that.

Vinegar: Hooking him for another armdrag, but Hastings spins around behind The Road or whatever he calls himself, and a backslide pin attempt.

Hanson: See how effortlessly he countered that?

Vinegar: Tobias floats over to his feet and hooks a front headlock. Rising up for a Jackhammer suplex! Now sinching in the chinlock.

Hanson: Alright, that was almost impressive. Almost.

Vinegar: Hastings shifts his body a bit, and forces his way to his feet. Reaching for Ernhardt's trunk of a leg... Shin breaker to loosen the hold, and a back elbow to the face drives the rookie backwards.

Hanson: Now THAT was a reversal. And a clothesline for good measure!

Vinegar: Going for the knee drop, but Ernhardt rolls. Now Tobias grabbing for him, but Hastings...

Hanson: But our Inevitable Lord of Pain and Niggahood ducks it and gives the big lug an overhead suplex!

Vinegar: Tomorrow's Main Event up and fighting back with hard right hands, followed by an Irish whip into the corner. And charging in with the clothesline! That knocked all the wind out of Hastings.

Hanson: Bah! The Chief Nigga has no need for wind!

Vinegar: Tobias points to his arm, appealing to the crowd, but they don't seem to be going along with him. Charging in, another hard clothesline! Now telling the crowd one more time.

Hanson: They don't care, sir. They are not going to cheer for you.

Vinegar: Charging in for another clothesline, Hastings rockets out of the corner and catches him in the Hands of Fate!

Hanson: Who else but our Lord could produce such a devastating submission hold out of thin air! Mr Basic Move Template is being choked out on the mat! Do your managerial duty and throw in the towel, BoolZ!

Vinegar: Tobias lucks out, his legs are long enough to reach the ropes. The Lord of Pain breaks the hold, and Tobias struggles to get to his feet. Hastings right behind him for a suplex.

Hanson: Look at that elevation! Hastings backdrops the Rookie over the top rope! Donovan Hastings...Lord of Pain...Chief Nigga...Suplex Master.

Vinegar: And the young Ernhardt is dumped right at the feet of his mentor, who appears to be haggling with members of the front row for a hot dog.

Hanson: The Red Boob Icon giving him a kick of encouragement. And Lord Hastings finally gets a chance to resume his portrait sitting.

Vinegar: A visibly grumpy Tobias rolls back into the ring. He wastes no time throwing a side headlock onto the Lord of Pain. Quick on his feet, Tobias spins to the back to pull away Hastings' legs, then floats over to apply a front facelock. Mary Jo's Choice showing off some amateur background.

Hanson: And Hastings showing why he should be the true number one contender, breaking the hold with a hard jab to the ribs.

Vinegar: Both men are getting to their feet, they need a big move to get the momentum back in their favor.

Hanson: OH My GOD! HASTINGS WITH THE SUPERKICK!

Vinegar: Um, that was a poke to the eye?

Hanson: THE SUPERKICK! How is Tobias still standing, Nicholas? After receiving that brutal superkick.

Vinegar: Hyperbole not withstanding, that eyepoke...

Hanson: That superkick.

Vinegar: Did stop Ernhardt in his tracks, and Hastings grabs the arms, Bridging Dragon Suplex! 1 2, Tobias rolls through to his feet again and lifting Hastings into the air for a slam.

Hanson: Ooo! Apparently changed his mind, he throws a clothesline at Hastings while he's left hanging in mid air! That's not cricket!

Vinegar: But it was effective, Tobias climbs on for the pin, 1 2, kick out just in time.

Hanson: Ernhardt looks a bit flustered by the Lord's tenacity. Hard irish whip into the corner. See Nick, that was the irish whip version of a temper tantrum.

Vinegar: And now Tobias coming with a full head of steam, but Hastings lifts his feet. Tobias now staggered, and it's Hastings turn to whip him into the other corner.

Hanson: Oh, I know what's coming next! When his opponent is in the corner, there's only one thing on Hastings' mind.

Vinegar: It does appear so, he's putting him up into position for the Inevitability! Tobias comes crashing to the mat!

Hanson: Pin him! Pin him!

Vinegar: Hastings makes the cover, but doesn't bother hooking the leg. 1! 2! Kick out!

Hanson: Give him another one, Your Lordship!

Vinegar: Hastings stares down as Tobias slowly rolls to his knees. Is The Lord of Pain yawning?

Hanson: A vicious knee to the face sends Ernhardt back to the mat. Another pin!

Vinegar: And another kickout at 2.

Hanson: Now, it's over! Hastings is lifting up Tubby for the Destiny's Call! What an impact! It's all over! 1! 2!

Vinegar: Kick out.

Hanson: Man, this kid just does not want to stay down. Quick, give him another Superkick!

Vinegar: The Chief Nigga rolls out under the ropes and is apparently checking on his portrait.

Hanson: Can we get a shot of that?

Vinegar: Well, I'm not exactly one of the Lord's Niglets, but that certainly is a fine looking painting. Now Hastings looking back and forth between the painting and Tobias, who's still stirring in the ring.

Hanson: He's got the painting in his hand, no Lord, don't waste that wonderful piece of art on a peon like BoolZ 2: Electric Boogaloo.

Vinegar: Hastings doesn't appear to have that in mind, Daniel. In fact, it looks like he's taking the painting and going back to his lair. Referee East has no choice but to start the count.

Hanson: Boolzian stops him at the bottom of the ramp, Hastings telling him something. BoolZ lets him go.

Vinegar: The count continues, Tobias is back on his feet and could hardly look more confused.

Hanson: I'll bet. One win by DQ, one by voluntary count-out. His GIW record doesn't have the most sterling start. And Boolzian can only shrug at him.

Vinegar: Hastings disappears behind the entrance, and that's a 10 count.

Mitchell: Your winner, by a count-out, TOBIAAAAS ERNHAAAAAARDT!

Hanson: That's not a happy camper, Nick.

Vinegar: Indeed not. Tobias complaining to everyone within earshot, but there's not much he can do about it.

Hanson: Hastings just decided he had done enough damage for one day. Tobias should be happy, he could have easily ended up with a useless arm like STDino. Or perhaps Lord NiggaDon, unlike Ernhardt, appreciates fine art, and didn't want to risk anything damaging that masterpiece. Either way, this match is over, and now I get to see two of my favorite people in the same ring!

Vinegar: Indeed. The Blessed One meets the Diamond Princess in handicap action, coming up next!

[T-Robosaurus Rex]

Vinegar: It’s time for the main event and we all know what that means.

Hanson: What?

Vinegar: Mental anguish for Daniel Hanson.

Hanson: Yeah! Haha, wait, that’s me! What’s going on?

Vinegar: We’re about to see Travis Roberts…

Hanson: Yeah!

Vinegar: And Gabrielle…

Hanson: Yeah!

Vinegar: Go head to head.

Hanson: No!

Vinegar: Oh and Jack Severino.

Hanson: Nooooo!

Vinegar: Told you.

Hanson: It’s ok, I have a plan.

Vinegar: Not the coin again. It won’t be funny the second time.

Hanson: Aww.

Envy starts to play and lights turn purple and gold. Gabrielle and Jack Severino walk out together, holding hands at the top of the ramp.

Dennis: The following contest is a handicap match and is your Sentinel Main Event. Introducing first, from New Zealand, Diamond Jack Severino and Gabrielle!!!

Hanson: What am I gonna do Nick?

Vinegar: I dunno. Man up?

Hanson: I’ll man up yo momma.
Vinegar: That doesn’t even make sense.

Hanson: I know, I’m too lost to think of a good one.

As they get towards the ring Jack steps away and jumps up onto the apron while Gabrielle scales the steps. Jack pulls up the middle rope and pushes down the bottom with his foot as Gabrielle steps through. He follows her through between the top and middle ropes. Gabrielle fixes her gaze back up the ramp as Jack steps behind her and starts to rub her shoulders as the Diamond Princess rolls out her neck.

The lights return to normal as Bummer starts to play to the usual chorus of boos and jeers. Travis Roberts walks out, the Unified Global Title belt rested on his shoulder as it always seems to be. He struts his way down to the ring, never acknowledging the icy stare he’s receiving from within the ring.

Dennis: And the opponent, making his way to the ring, from Phoenix, Arizona, the GIW Unified Global Champion, The Blessed One, Travis Robeeeeeeerts!!!

Vinegar: I think Travis looks pretty tense about this one.

Hanson: You just don’t get it do you. The Blessed One doesn’t get tense, or stressed, or worried, or afraid. He’s just permanently cool.

Vinegar: Sure he is.

Travis reaches the ring and climbs in up the steps. He poses on the turnbuckle with the belt until his music cuts out. He hands the belt to Glenn Burke then unburdens himself of his shades and jacket.

Vinegar: So it looks like this one is ready to get underway.

Ding! Ding!

Vinegar: And it looks like Gabrielle is going to start this one off, Jack headed out to the apron.

Hanson: And he can stay there for all anyone cares.

Vinegar: I’m sure the fans in this arena would like to see The Blue Eyed Devil in action.

Hanson: So? They don’t have microphones, or names, they don’t count.

Vinegar: Wow, just wow. Well, these two circling. Looks like Travis went to lock Gabrielle up but gets taken over with a deep arm drag.

Hanson: The Headliner wasn’t trying to luck her up. If he was trying to get a lock up he’d have got a lock up.

Vinegar: What do you call it then?

Hanson: Travis Roberts was clearly taking the time to practise his commando rolls.

Vinegar: Oh of course. Well Roberts just shot in again and got taken over again.

Hanson: Well it’s hardly practise if you only do one.

Vinegar: Did he intentionally roll towards Diamond Jack?

DJS taps on Travis’s shoulder. As the Headliner turns around Jack makes like he’s going to head butt him. Travis flinches as Jack grins broadly.

Vinegar: Haha, see Travis flinch.

Hanson: Travis Roberts doesn’t flinch. He was recoiling in disgust from Severino’s monkey breath.

Vinegar: Well either way it’s allowed Gabrielle to roll him up.

1!

2!

Vinegar: She almost stole one right there.

Hanson: She’s always stealing.

Vinegar: What has Gabrielle ever stolen?

Hanson: My heart…

Vinegar: How’s that marriage proposal working out?

Hanson: She can’t rush the most important decision of her life!

Vinegar: Jack offering to tag in but Gabrielle refuses. Travis Roberts shoots in again and finds himself in a painful arm wringer. She sweeps the legs and a quick float over puts her into a front face lock.

Hanson: If you say something about Travis being out-wrestled I will end you.

Vinegar: I don’t need to say what thousands of people in this arena and millions watching at home can already see.

Hanson: Actually you do, it’s your job.

Vinegar: They’ll get by without the occasional missed detail. Travis pushes himself back to his feet and counters with a bridging northern lights suplex. Shoulders down.

1!

Vinegar: Kick out with authority by Gabrielle and she’s still got that front face lock clamped in. Spinning neck breaker from the Diamond Princess but she’s quickly up to make the tag.

Hanson: Yeah, she should tag out, she’s clearly outmatched.

Vinegar: Despite being the one still standing?

Hanson: Hey, Gabrielle may be the love of my life and the future mother of my children but in the ring, Travis Roberts is King.

Vinegar: Sure you’re not going to be the mother of his children.

Hanson: I wish…

Vinegar: …!?

Hanson: I mean, uh…yo momma wishes! …Yeah.

Vinegar: Jack’s got Travis as he gets back to his feet and sets him off towards the ropes. Nails him with a big side walk slam on the rebound and the Jack’s very much in the driving seat right now.

Hanson: Geez Nick, do you still not know a TRLAOCIAFSOS when you see one?

Vinegar: No, apparently I still mistake them for Travis getting beaten down. My mistake.

Hanson: You’re forgiven, this time.

Vinegar: Jack putting the boots to the Headliner and driving him into the corner. That boot being forced against his throat and Glenn Burke has no choice but to apply the five count.

Hanson: See, he has to cheat. Always cheating. I bet he cheats on Gabby too.

Vinegar: I strongly doubt that. Jack’s argument with the referee has cost him though as Travis storms out of the corner and takes him down with a stiff lariat.

Hanson: False sense of security. You see now?

Vinegar: Well the Headliner sure looks proud of himself for that shot as he drops the elbow across Jack’s sternum, up and drops it a second time.

Hanson: This was his plan all along.

Vinegar: Well then let’s see how his plan unfolds as this match goes on. He’s dragging DJS up to his feet applying an arm wrench to that surely still injured arm. Travis putting his elbow to Jack’s shoulder and the big man drops to his knee.

Hanson: Now watch as The Blessed One systematically picks that square headed monkey brained oaf to pieces.

Vinegar: Travis follows up slamming that arm into the mat.

Hanson: Gabrielle’s certainly not looking happy. Maybe I should go up there and comfort her.

Vinegar: Maybe you should.

Hanson: Maybe I will.

Vinegar: Good.

Hanson: Fine.

We hear a headset being put down as Hanson gets up from the announcers table.

Vinegar: Travis putting the boot into that shoulder now and The Diamond in the Rough is clearly in a great deal of pain. Oh there he goes, this should be good.

Hanson jumps up onto the apron next to Gabrielle. She doesn’t notice him until he puts his hand on her shoulder. He says something we can’t make out. Gabrielle slaps him and he falls off the apron.

Vinegar: What did I tell you? That distraction dealt with, Gabrielle is going to back to trying to get some vigour back into her man. Travis has got him back up and applied the hammerlock. DJS counters it though and knocks him down with a short arm clothesline.

Hanson: *cough*

Vinegar: That was smooth.

Hanson: Hush niglet.

Vinegar: Diamond Jack takes the opening to make the tag and Gabrielle’s back in, quickly pitching Travis Roberts off his feet with a flying forearm. The Champion back up but quickly taken back down with a hurricanrana.

Hanson: I told her to do that.

Vinegar: When?

Hanson: When I was up there.

Vinegar: That’s why she slapped you?

Hanson: Um, yes?

Vinegar: Travis trying to get himself back up against the ropes but a running dropkick sends him over the top ropes and out to the arena floor.

Hanson: He must have decided to take a break out here.

Vinegar: I don’t think what the Headliner decided to do had any effect on his expulsion from the ring. Gabrielle’s beckoning him to come back in but the Blessed One seems hesitant.

Hanson: The Most Influential Man in Sports Entertainment this Millennia does not hesitate dammit!

Vinegar: Well he doesn’t have a choice in it. Jack just walked around, slammed Travis’s head against the apron and rolled him back into the ring. Gabrielle follows up with a curb stomp. Two hard blows to his face and Travis is dazed.

Hanson: I’m tired of trying to explain the Blessed One to you. He’s obviously gotten bored of dominating so gone back to the TRLAOCIAFSOS.

Vinegar: Jack asking for the tag but Gabrielle refusing and gesturing to that bad arm of the Blue Eyed Devil. Instead she locks in the neck scissors. What do you think of that partner?

Hanson: …

Vinegar: Daniel?

Hanson: …

Vinegar: I’m sorry viewers, I think my partner has become entranced by the thought of having his head locked between the thighs of the Caramel Skinned Sexpot. The Headliner however seems less enthused and has managed to break the grip and get to his feet.

Hanson: The fool.

Vinegar: Did you just call Travis Roberts a fool?

Hanson: Shit! No, I mean, oh I’m so lost.

Vinegar: Gabrielle runs in but gets swept up and dropped into a shin breaker across Roberts’s knee. Both are down.

Hanson: I assume you’ve picked up on the Headliners strategy by now.

Vinegar: I don’t want to hear anymore about the damn TRLAOCIAFSOS.

Hanson: No, he’s targeting Gabrielle’s leg and Jack’s arm. The parts they’re going to need to execute their finishers.

Vinegar: Was, was that genuine wrestling insight?

Hanson: Believe it biatch.

Vinegar: I’m stunned but I’ll try to continue. Travis has indeed taken Gabrielle by the leg and is stomping away at her hamstring.

Hanson: That idiot Jack just tried to get in to help her but Burke is keeping him in the corner.

Vinegar: And the Headliner isn’t one to miss a chance to bend the rules while the referee’s back is turned. He’s dragged her over to the turnbuckle and just slammed her knee around the post.

Hanson: Thanks for the opportunity monkey boy.

Vinegar: Burke’s turned back and he’s demanding the Champion bring it out of the corner. Travis drags her back into the centre of the ring and applies the single legged Boston crab.

Hanson: I wonder why Boss P made this match really. I mean, who’s going to be excited about the No Holds Barred main event after the Blessed One proves he can beat both Gabrielle and her chimp at the same time?

Vinegar: This ones far from over. Gabrielle able to wriggle herself out of the hold and kicks Travis away. Dives and makes the tag, DJS is back in. Running bicycle kick.

Hanson: No, Travis sidestepped it and hit’s a big releasing German suplex.

Vinegar: A great counter. Jack landed hard on that shoulder, whether that was intentional or a lucky accident.

Hanson: Intentional Nick, it was intentional.

Vinegar: Well Jack’s trying to get up and Travis runs off the ropes. Crucifix! Travis Roberts has locked in the Twisted Tourniquet from standing and he’s wrenching back on that arm.

Hanson: Jack’s gonna tap, this is going to be a great victory for the Blessed One.

Vinegar: DJS doesn’t seem sure what to do, if he tries to drop onto Travis and doesn’t break the hold this ones over. Gabrielle’s shouting at him from the corner. Jack’s gritting his teeth, fighting through the pain to get over there.

Hanson: No way he’s going to make it.

Vinegar: He makes it. Gabrielle tags herself in. Slingshot back-cracker to the Headliner. That breaks the hold, the full force of Jack Severino falling upon him as Gabrielle’s knees drive into his back and he’s in pain.

Hanson: It’s just another…

Vinegar: It’s not another TRLAOCIFSOS. Jack’s got him up and sent him off the ropes. Gabrielle’s headed up high. One calculated shot! Moonsault!

Hanson: No!

Vinegar: Great one-two impact. Gabrielle with the cover.

1!

Hanson: Kick out kick out kick out.

2!

Hanson: Please please please please.

3!

Ding! Ding!

Dennis: Here are your winners! Gabrielle and Jack Severiiiino!!!

Vinegar: They overcame the targeted punishment the Headliner put on them and came out with the win.

Hanson: Yeah well, it was two vs. one you know.

Vinegar: Well, that’s it for another exciting week of GIW action. Tune in again next week to take another step on the path to Japan!

[T-Robosaurus Rex]

Credits

Cockatoo vs Aragato
DJS

Zeke’s Return
Bryan

Dredd vs Chassie
T-Rob

Headshots
Moss & BoolZ

A-Kis vs Raenius
Moss

GIW.com Title Match
BoolZ

Hastings vs Tobias
Moss

Main Event
A-Kis

Editor
T-Rob