Post by Lord Hastings on Jun 18, 2022 22:57:27 GMT -5
The television set clicks on. The screen loads and we see a darkened set, with silhouettes visible of a table and someone sitting behind it. A voiceover is heard by Rob Cartwright.
Cartwright: Ladies and gentlemen, he is—
The glow of the television dims briefly, as the holder of the remote control quietly presses the button to change the channel.
A familiar opening to a familiar cartoon is finishing up:
“…so come on down to South Park, and meet some friends of mine.”
Four cartoon children made of construction paper stand in the snow waiting for the bus. They’re familiar, but strange. They’re all in winter jackets: Stan Rydell is wearing blue and red. Maggie Brovloski is wearing green and orange. Zane McCormick is in an orange hooded jacket. And Seb Cartman is in red, blue and yellow. And looking quite plump.
Maggie looks to the side at Stan.
Maggie: Hi Stan!
Stan Rydell vomits and Maggie rolls her eyes.
Maggie: Why did you throw up, dude? I thought you only did that when Angie Testeburger talked to you.
Stan shrugs, ashamed. Seb cackles on the other end. Zane says something incoherent and Seb abruptly stops laughing and glares at Zane.
Seb: God, I hate you Zane.
Tempy Stotch enters the screen from the right and Seb is immediately annoyed.
Tempy: Uh, hey there fellas! Can I ride the bus with you today?
Seb: No! You can’t ride the bus with us because you make us look less coo!
Rydell: Yeah, dude. You’re kind of lame.
Maggie looks at him and shrugs. Zane mumbles something from beneath his hood and the four friends start laughing hysterically. Suddenly a giant Louisville slugger falls from the sky and lands on Zane, leaving him in a puddle of blood. The other boys stop laughing. Tempy watches in horror.
Rydell: Oh my god! They killed Zane!
Maggie: You bastards!
It cuts to a new scene, later that day. Seb, Rydell, and Maggie are all in the background building something. Tempy is off to the side, bumping his fists together as he watches on nervously. The PMN logo appears and Travis Pierce appears on the screen, fighting back tears.
Travis: Jet, I’m standing here—
He sniffles and his eyes close, making that cartoon X across his face.
Travis: I’m sorry… ahem. Jet, I’m standing here in South Park, Colorado and behind me you see three children building a ladder to heaven to get to their friend, Zane, who was tragically killed by a giant Louisville slugger just this morning.
The scene cuts close to the kids where they’re working diligently to build the “ladder” higher.
Rydell: Come on, you guys. We gotta get up to heaven to get to Kenny. He has the Battleground Key in his pocket.
Seb: That poor son of a bitch. When I get up to heaven I’m gonna be like… “Hey! You screwed your friends out of the Battleground Key and made us have to work all day and build this stupid ladder because you’re selfish. That’s a bad Zane!” And then I’ll kick him in the nuts!
The screen dims again as the holder of the remote scoffs in disgust and changes the channel. Now two cartoon boys sit on a dirty couch with half eaten nachos on the arm of it. They’re channel surfing much like this person is doing on the couch of their own home.
An image of the PMN logo scrolls across the screen and the boy with dark hair immediately changes the channel, laughing under his breath.
Butt-Seb: Hu-hu. Travis Pierce sucks. Hu hu.
Astro Beavis: Hm-hm. Yeah, he should be fired. Oh! Fire, fire!
Butt-Seb backhands Astro Beavis.
Butt-Seb: Shut up, Beavis—whoa! Check it out!
Butt-Seb is suddenly looking out the window at a woman in the neighbor’s yard.
Butt-Seb: Come to Butt-Seb. Hu-hu. Hey, Beavis. Let’s go do some yard work.
Astro Beavis: I don’t know Butt-Seb. That sounds hard. Can’t we just stay in and watch music videos?
Butt-Seb: No, dumbass. We’re not really doing yard work. We’re just like, going outside to check out this chick. And then we’re gonna score. Uh-hu hu.
Astro Beavis: Oh yeah. Let’s do some yard work. Hm-hm.
The two boys step outside and begin pretending to pull weeds from the sidewalk as they ogle the silver-haired bombshell next door. Mr. Van Rydriessen is walking up the street and notices the two boys.
Dave van Rydriessen: Oh, what a wonderful way of spending your afternoon, boys! We should all do our part to keep our earth healthy. If we take care of the earth, it will take care of us. I’m so proud of you boys.
Beavis and Butt-Sub pause and Butt-Seb looks over his shoulder at van Rydriessen.
Butt-Seb: Can you, like, shut up?
The long-haired hippie with the tye dye shirt walks on down the street. When they turn back to the bombshell, she’s gone.
Astro Beavis: Damnit! We’re never gonna score!
Mr. Scott walks up behind the unsuspecting teenagers.
Mr. Scott: Say, you boys want to do some yard work, I’ve got plenty for you to do. I’ll meet you in the back and put you boys to work. Hey, uh…
He adjusts his glasses and takes a closer look at them.
Mr. Scott: You boys the ones that have been… whackin’ off in my tool shed?
Astro Beavis and Butt-Seb start laughing uncontrollably, rather than answering the question.
Butt-Seb: Uhh… no, sir. That wasn’t us. Uh-hu hu.
Astro Beavis: Yeah, hm-hm. It must have been someone else.
The channel changes again. We can hear the viewer sigh in annoyance.
Now, Batman glares forward from within a building. The mask he wears conceals the identity of Sebastian Bryce. The camera switches to Tempest hanging upside down and swaying back and forth, and chuckling.
Tempest: I’m starting to believe, you and I, are destined to do this, forever.
The channel changes once more. This time, two grunge-looking teens sit on old furniture in a basement, playing guitar. The graphic Zayne’s World comes up in the center of the screen.
Zayne and Mags: Zayne’s world, Zayne’s world, party time, excellent.
They mimic the sound of shredding the guitar as Zayne sets his electric guitar on the floor beside him.
Zayne: Party on, Mags.
Mags: Party on, Zane.
Zayne: Okay, excellent. So, we’ve got a special guest here tonight.
Zayne grabs a studio portrait from the other side of his chair and holds it up, revealing Lucy Wylde. He growls and grins over at Mags.
Zayne and Mags: Scha-wiiiiiiing.
The channel surfing continues as it clicks off to the next channel. This time it’s Bob Rydell painting happy little trees on a blank white canvas. The channel quickly changes.
Now it’s Dave Rydell sitting in a studio between Red Fusion and the Crazed Anarchist. The holder of the remote can be heard audibly shuddering as the channel clicks over again.
An overweight Zane Winslow stands in his living room, hands on his hips and glaring at Tempy Urkel. Urkel is standing, frozen, looking at a hole in the living room wall.
Urkel: Did I do that?
The studio audience laughs as Winslow looks as if he’s about to lose his mind. The remote holder chuckles to himself and changes the channel several times, back to Astro Beavis and Butt-Seb.
Mr. Scott’s house has paint all over the siding and the roof. Astro Beavis and Butt-Seb are standing in the backyard, laughing.
Butt-Seb: Yard work rules.
Astro Beavis: Yeah, hm-hm. Let’s go burn something.
The channel clicks back over to Travis Pierce just as his show is closing.
Pierce: …and it’s not my fault, that the truth… hurts.
He winks at Camera A as “You know my name” plays and the show fades to the PMN logo.
The remote control holder sits on the couch. The remote control holder is Travis Pierce. He stares, dumbfounded, at the television.
Pierce: No… no, I just missed my entire show!
Suddenly, Travis Pierce sits up in his bed with a loud gasp as he wakes up. He looks around the room and finally comes to, then lays back down with a hand over his sweaty forehead.
Pierce: What a nightmare.
He picks up his phone and begins texting Seb, and the idiotic laughs of Butt-Seb and Astro Beavis are still stuck in his head.
Cartwright: Ladies and gentlemen, he is—
The glow of the television dims briefly, as the holder of the remote control quietly presses the button to change the channel.
A familiar opening to a familiar cartoon is finishing up:
“…so come on down to South Park, and meet some friends of mine.”
Four cartoon children made of construction paper stand in the snow waiting for the bus. They’re familiar, but strange. They’re all in winter jackets: Stan Rydell is wearing blue and red. Maggie Brovloski is wearing green and orange. Zane McCormick is in an orange hooded jacket. And Seb Cartman is in red, blue and yellow. And looking quite plump.
Maggie looks to the side at Stan.
Maggie: Hi Stan!
Stan Rydell vomits and Maggie rolls her eyes.
Maggie: Why did you throw up, dude? I thought you only did that when Angie Testeburger talked to you.
Stan shrugs, ashamed. Seb cackles on the other end. Zane says something incoherent and Seb abruptly stops laughing and glares at Zane.
Seb: God, I hate you Zane.
Tempy Stotch enters the screen from the right and Seb is immediately annoyed.
Tempy: Uh, hey there fellas! Can I ride the bus with you today?
Seb: No! You can’t ride the bus with us because you make us look less coo!
Rydell: Yeah, dude. You’re kind of lame.
Maggie looks at him and shrugs. Zane mumbles something from beneath his hood and the four friends start laughing hysterically. Suddenly a giant Louisville slugger falls from the sky and lands on Zane, leaving him in a puddle of blood. The other boys stop laughing. Tempy watches in horror.
Rydell: Oh my god! They killed Zane!
Maggie: You bastards!
It cuts to a new scene, later that day. Seb, Rydell, and Maggie are all in the background building something. Tempy is off to the side, bumping his fists together as he watches on nervously. The PMN logo appears and Travis Pierce appears on the screen, fighting back tears.
Travis: Jet, I’m standing here—
He sniffles and his eyes close, making that cartoon X across his face.
Travis: I’m sorry… ahem. Jet, I’m standing here in South Park, Colorado and behind me you see three children building a ladder to heaven to get to their friend, Zane, who was tragically killed by a giant Louisville slugger just this morning.
The scene cuts close to the kids where they’re working diligently to build the “ladder” higher.
Rydell: Come on, you guys. We gotta get up to heaven to get to Kenny. He has the Battleground Key in his pocket.
Seb: That poor son of a bitch. When I get up to heaven I’m gonna be like… “Hey! You screwed your friends out of the Battleground Key and made us have to work all day and build this stupid ladder because you’re selfish. That’s a bad Zane!” And then I’ll kick him in the nuts!
The screen dims again as the holder of the remote scoffs in disgust and changes the channel. Now two cartoon boys sit on a dirty couch with half eaten nachos on the arm of it. They’re channel surfing much like this person is doing on the couch of their own home.
An image of the PMN logo scrolls across the screen and the boy with dark hair immediately changes the channel, laughing under his breath.
Butt-Seb: Hu-hu. Travis Pierce sucks. Hu hu.
Astro Beavis: Hm-hm. Yeah, he should be fired. Oh! Fire, fire!
Butt-Seb backhands Astro Beavis.
Butt-Seb: Shut up, Beavis—whoa! Check it out!
Butt-Seb is suddenly looking out the window at a woman in the neighbor’s yard.
Butt-Seb: Come to Butt-Seb. Hu-hu. Hey, Beavis. Let’s go do some yard work.
Astro Beavis: I don’t know Butt-Seb. That sounds hard. Can’t we just stay in and watch music videos?
Butt-Seb: No, dumbass. We’re not really doing yard work. We’re just like, going outside to check out this chick. And then we’re gonna score. Uh-hu hu.
Astro Beavis: Oh yeah. Let’s do some yard work. Hm-hm.
The two boys step outside and begin pretending to pull weeds from the sidewalk as they ogle the silver-haired bombshell next door. Mr. Van Rydriessen is walking up the street and notices the two boys.
Dave van Rydriessen: Oh, what a wonderful way of spending your afternoon, boys! We should all do our part to keep our earth healthy. If we take care of the earth, it will take care of us. I’m so proud of you boys.
Beavis and Butt-Sub pause and Butt-Seb looks over his shoulder at van Rydriessen.
Butt-Seb: Can you, like, shut up?
The long-haired hippie with the tye dye shirt walks on down the street. When they turn back to the bombshell, she’s gone.
Astro Beavis: Damnit! We’re never gonna score!
Mr. Scott walks up behind the unsuspecting teenagers.
Mr. Scott: Say, you boys want to do some yard work, I’ve got plenty for you to do. I’ll meet you in the back and put you boys to work. Hey, uh…
He adjusts his glasses and takes a closer look at them.
Mr. Scott: You boys the ones that have been… whackin’ off in my tool shed?
Astro Beavis and Butt-Seb start laughing uncontrollably, rather than answering the question.
Butt-Seb: Uhh… no, sir. That wasn’t us. Uh-hu hu.
Astro Beavis: Yeah, hm-hm. It must have been someone else.
The channel changes again. We can hear the viewer sigh in annoyance.
Now, Batman glares forward from within a building. The mask he wears conceals the identity of Sebastian Bryce. The camera switches to Tempest hanging upside down and swaying back and forth, and chuckling.
Tempest: I’m starting to believe, you and I, are destined to do this, forever.
The channel changes once more. This time, two grunge-looking teens sit on old furniture in a basement, playing guitar. The graphic Zayne’s World comes up in the center of the screen.
Zayne and Mags: Zayne’s world, Zayne’s world, party time, excellent.
They mimic the sound of shredding the guitar as Zayne sets his electric guitar on the floor beside him.
Zayne: Party on, Mags.
Mags: Party on, Zane.
Zayne: Okay, excellent. So, we’ve got a special guest here tonight.
Zayne grabs a studio portrait from the other side of his chair and holds it up, revealing Lucy Wylde. He growls and grins over at Mags.
Zayne and Mags: Scha-wiiiiiiing.
The channel surfing continues as it clicks off to the next channel. This time it’s Bob Rydell painting happy little trees on a blank white canvas. The channel quickly changes.
Now it’s Dave Rydell sitting in a studio between Red Fusion and the Crazed Anarchist. The holder of the remote can be heard audibly shuddering as the channel clicks over again.
An overweight Zane Winslow stands in his living room, hands on his hips and glaring at Tempy Urkel. Urkel is standing, frozen, looking at a hole in the living room wall.
Urkel: Did I do that?
The studio audience laughs as Winslow looks as if he’s about to lose his mind. The remote holder chuckles to himself and changes the channel several times, back to Astro Beavis and Butt-Seb.
Mr. Scott’s house has paint all over the siding and the roof. Astro Beavis and Butt-Seb are standing in the backyard, laughing.
Butt-Seb: Yard work rules.
Astro Beavis: Yeah, hm-hm. Let’s go burn something.
The channel clicks back over to Travis Pierce just as his show is closing.
Pierce: …and it’s not my fault, that the truth… hurts.
He winks at Camera A as “You know my name” plays and the show fades to the PMN logo.
The remote control holder sits on the couch. The remote control holder is Travis Pierce. He stares, dumbfounded, at the television.
Pierce: No… no, I just missed my entire show!
Suddenly, Travis Pierce sits up in his bed with a loud gasp as he wakes up. He looks around the room and finally comes to, then lays back down with a hand over his sweaty forehead.
Pierce: What a nightmare.
He picks up his phone and begins texting Seb, and the idiotic laughs of Butt-Seb and Astro Beavis are still stuck in his head.
