WrestleStock 2022 - Day Two

[UGWC Staff]

Things are getting warmed up on Day 2 of the 2022 Wrestlestock Festival!

All things considered, the city still looks more or less intact. We’ll see how long that lasts this year.

The districts don’t quite have a line yet, but the crowds are moving in from the camping areas, and it won’t be long.

A familiar bald man strides down the middle of the city, striking a Zippo and inhaling into a a Newport.

Ichabod: I’m supposed to recap Day 1 and shit, so here that is: both first round Open matches went to the home team and two fucking choads flung themselves at each other and any weapon they could get their hands on to prove they were the newest icon of the Chaos Division. Did they do it? Jury’s still out.

The Indestructible one walks slowly past the 30SPWC district, briefly catching snatches of fans and unknown competitors trying their hand at spitting a quick promo. Rolling his eyes, he takes another draw.

Ichabod: Ol’ Bob asked me to provide commentary on today’s events–I guess Nick, Hans, and Jay have been pressed into service at the Desert Mobility center due to an unprecedented rash of heat exhaustion victims this year. I don’t know why we keep doing this event here, literally no one wants to be out here.

There seems to be a bit of a hitch in his walk. One must assume the multiple back injuries he’s suffered over the years, the most recent of which caused him to finally retire, have taken their toll. Not that he would ever abase himself with a cane; he almost seems not to notice it himself.

Ichabod: First up, I’m looking for Dave and Donovan so I can kick off their Vigilante grudge match. Then I guess I’m supposed to go emcee the District Conquest shit, and somehow run over to call the Wrestlestock Open matches? Fuck, why did I sign up for this shit? Roxy Malone and that creepy fuck Reeves weren’t available for any of this? They better be running a goddamned quarter toss booth.

As he passes the entrance to Hell on Heels, Ichabod pauses, then smirks.

Ichabod: There you are, fucker.

With a smile, he moves on, stopping here and there to peer into each district.

Ichabod: If this quality air time is boring you, excuse the fuck out of me. Some moron told them to find a ref and find each other, but they don’t seem super keen on… hold on.

Having just turned a corner in the distance, Ichabod spots Dave stomping in his direction, kicking up little clouds of sand and dust behind him. Ichabod raises a hand to signal to him, then turns around again and heads back toward Hell on Heels. This time, he marches in.

Donovan hears his name being called, and decides he doesn’t like the demanding tone. He whirls about to see the former commissioner of Chill hurrying over to him.

Ichabod: Hey, your kids around?

Hastings narrows his eyes.

Donovan: Why?

Ichabod: Just making sure they’re out of the way. Rydell is headed here.

The record-setting and -breaking former UGWC World Champion’s eyes become fixed on the entrance.

Donovan: They’re not attending today.

Without another word, he stalks toward the entrance of the district. Ichabod gives the camera a wicked smile.

Ichabod: Probably a good thing…

[UGWC Staff]

Ichabod jogs after Donovan, lifting his cell phone in the air so that a tinny tune plays:

Hastings turns right and spots Rydell, who has likewise spotted him. Dave breaks into a run, and Donovan does the same.

Ichabod quickly thumbs through his phone and then raises it again.

Ichabod: Shit, here we go, we’ve got The Immortal Lord Donovan Hastings and Dave “Not Red Fusion” Rydell running full tilt at each other right now! These two have been rivals and partners in nearly equal measure for the past fifteen years, going all the way back to LWF.

Seeing a crowd gathering, Ichabod carefully boosts himself up onto one of the fences surrounding Bronyland Ranch.

Ichabod: Ok, let’s see. Rydell hits early with a standing dropkick that sends Donovan over the gate into the ranch. Bronies scatter as Rydell leaps up onto the gate and delivers a tornado DDT. Donovan grabs a riding crop that someone dropped and begins whipping Dave with it, then drags him to his feet and whips him into a hitching post. Rydell barely avoids taking the steel ring in that post to the fast, but crumples anyway.

PIcking his way carefully over the fenceposts, Ichabod moves closer, pausing only to light another cigarette.

Ichabod: Hastings has some rope and is trying to tie Dave’s wrist to the post, but Rydell kicks his feet from under him. Donovan catches himself on the post and transitions into a facebreaker DDT on Rydell. They’re separating for the moment to catch their breath, and this just got boring.

Ichabod drops from the fence to the interior of the ranch and starts looking for things laying about. He spies a horse collar, a pitchfork, a feedbag, some stirrups, and a bag of horseshoe tacks. Each of these he passes over to the crowd, instructing them to pass it down and toss it toward the competitors. He pauses on the tacks and looks over at the bronies with a look of disbelief, causing a couple of them to shuffle about and whinny nervously. Shaking his head, he passes these along as well.

Ichabod: I’m don’t want to yuck anyone’s yum, but god damn. Oh, Rydell has the horse collar, and he’s slammed it down over Donovan’s head! Dave grabs it and pivots, spinning round in place and causing Hastings to have to side step quickly to keep from losing his balance. Eventually Rydell lets go and sends Hastings sprawling into the spilled tacks!

The building excitement draws the bald bastard closer.

Ichabod: Damn, Donovan is trying to get back to his feet, but he’s got tacks stuck into his body all over. Rydell is running over with the pitchfork now, but Hastings dodges and catches him up in a hip toss onto the handle hard enough to break it!

Ichabod swipes at his pocket, annoyed, and pulls out his phone to glare at the screen.

Ichabod: Oh great, it’s time for the first contest of the District Conquest.

He tosses one last glance back at Donovan and Rydell brawling, then shakes his head as he turns away.

Ichabod: Not to worry. A Vigilante Match goes on and on no matter what else is happening. We’ll check back in with these two later.

[UGWC Staff]

<Err>

The opening acoustic riff for “Craig” by Stephen Lynch begins. Purple and pink lights flash furiously and the camera focuses on the top of the entranceway.

“Everyone knows Jesus,
The man who healed the lame.”

Stepping out onto the ramp is a massive blue bear being ridden by the Big Bad Brony himself, Craig Cogan. He sits confidently on the makeshift saddle, two punching guns on either side. Almost on cue, Err Bear rears up onto his back legs before rushing towards the ring.

<Err>

Almost as if magic, Craig Cogan is suddenly in front of the enraged blue bear, who swipes furiously his way. The People’s Champion turns, taking off towards the ring with the monster on his heels.

<Err>

The world glitches again and suddenly the bear is in his path, wearing a green tie and holding a picnic basket. It holds it out towards our hero, who cautiously leans in.

<Err>

Craig sails through the air, right over the top rope, before landing square on his face in the middle of the ring.

“I’m fucking Craig!
I’m fucking Craig!
Yeah, I’m fucking Craig!”

<Err>

[UGWC Staff]

Luckily Ichabod doesn’t have to go far; the first part of the District Conquest takes place in Hell on Heels. Ichabod makes his way into the district and locates the set up: five 30 foot ladders have been set up in the center of the district.

Ichabod: Ok, so each of these contests is going to have the Conquest hopefuls having to complete tasks to earn flags I guess. The first one to get three flags wins the District Conquest and gets to go on to compete for the Conquest Championship at a future show. There’s a possible World Championship implication there, so watch this one closely. The first thing they’re going to have to do is climb these ladders. In high heels.

He wanders up to where the competitors are being fitted for high heels nearby.

Ichabod: There are only four flags up there, so someone is going to take an early deficit here. It might be Cogan, who seems to be having trouble finding a pair of pumps in his size. We’ll see.

Ichabod moves closer to the ladders for a good vantage point, and notices the flags are red triangles with a picture of Rogan MacLean on each one. He laughs, then pulls his phone out again and waits for the competitors to start lining up. Seeing the first one approaching, he holds his phone up:

Vespertine tosses him a confused look before approaching the ladders.

Ichabod: Relative newcomer here in UGWC, she has yet to make a solid mark, but maybe that will change today? I mean, maybe not, if she can’t stay on her feet in the heat. I heard she had some issues during the Early Access events. That being said, she looks confident in her heels, not surprising as she’s a pretty snazzy dresser. Oh, here comes another one.

Ichabod: Well, fuckin’ Craig seems to be right at home. Must be those perfect joints. Oh wait, here we go.

Ichabod: GKD barely stumbling at all. He’s played dress up with his step daughter, you can tell. Two more to go… here comes Chris Peacock. I don’t know a lot about this guy, but someone told me to say he’s Disco’s Last Warrior. Not sure what that means, but it might explain why he’s not having much trouble. If this guy dances in platforms, heels are only a slight adjustment.

Ichabod: And bringing up the rear, here’s Ezra Wolf, some choad who was here like six years ago and is making another go of it. And he is NOT happy as he stutter steps up to the ladders.

Someone rings a bell, and they’re off.

Ichabod: Well, no surprise here, Vespertine takes an early lead, climbing in those heels like she does it every day. Peacock isn’t far behind on his ladder, while Cogan and Wolf are neck and neck. Below everyone else, Davison is carefully picking his way up in no hurry.

He leans back against a Gabrielle Montgomery life-sized statue, and chuckles around his fresh cigarette.

Ichabod: Cogan just slipped, and so did Peacock, giving Wolf a chance to move up into second place. Slow and steady, Ken overtakes Cogan. Peacock recovers quickly and shuffles upward, nearly catching up to Wolf. Oh! Wolf just kicked out at Peacock, causing him to stumble. One of Peacock’s legs went through and now he’s trying to untangle himself. Vespertine is near the top, and Davison just moved past Peacock. Cogan is about to move past the Boogie Man, but Chris has freed himself and jumps out from his ladder to hit ‘The Whole’ with a scissor kick famouser!

The crowd gasps as Craig falls, but then a collective sigh of relief as he grabs a rung and hangs on. Then they pop!

Ichabod: No surprise here, Vespertine has retrieved the first Mac-Flag. Wolf sees Davison getting closer and decides to slow him down as well. He kicks out, but Ken catches his leg and yanks him onto his own ladder. Gutwrench powerbomb sends Wolf plummeting!!

This time, the crowd’s gasp is answered with a sick thud as Wolf smacks the ground below Ken’s ladder. To punctuate this, Davison reaches up and grabs the second Mac-Flag.

Ichabod: That’s two Mac-Flags down, and that fucker probably has a broken neck. Nice.

Peacock reaches a Mac-Flag a few minutes later, followed by Craig Cogan.

Ichabod: Well that was entertaining as hell, four Mac-Flags have been claimed and—

The crowd parts violently as Rydell and Hastings spin through them, trading punches left and right.

Ichabod: Oh hell yes! The Vigilante Match continues! Hastings grabbed Rydell and gave him a short-arm clothesline! He pulls out the feedbag from earlier and slams it down over Dave’s head, then hits him with a spinebuster against Vespertine’s ladder! It pitches to the side, into Peacock’s ladder, and they both tip. Peacock manages to jump onto Ken’s ladder, but Vespertine falls!

One by one the ladders domino while Ken and Chris start rocking each other with forearm smashes. Craig manages to slip his bloody mask on so he doesn’t see the ground rushing up at him, and eventually the last ladder falls, taking Davison and Peacock with it!

Ichabod: Now that’s fucking entertainment!

His phone buzzes again, and Ichabod takes a look.

Ichabod: Oh shit, they managed to get someone to call the first open match. Alright fuckers, I’m going to stick around and watch this carnage a bit while we cut to that feed. Fuck off.

[UGWC Staff]

Vinegar: For our next contest, we head over to the Engine of Chaos/Err Bear Cooperation District! We are turning this over to our commentary team of Holden Orson and…this can’t be right… Err Bear?
 
Leiberjosch: Seriously?
 
Vinegar: That’s what it says.
 
Covert Jay: Hall of Fame commentator, right there.
 
Leiberjosch: Unbelievable.
 
Vinegar: Well, Holden, good luck to you!
 
Holden: Thanks. Luckily Err and I have gotten along quite well so far. I bring snacks and he leaves me alone.
 
Err: RAAWWRRRRRRRRR
 
Holden: That’s right big guy. It also seems we have a guest ring announcer for today. I guess we are giving Mitchell Dennis a break?
 
Err: RAWWWWRRRRRRR
 
Holden: I know, but this is the hand we’ve been dealt! Ladies and gentlemen, Ed Leonard is here to be our guest ring announcer!
 
Ed Leonard: Ladies and gentlemen of the district, the following contest is a quarterfinal match for the WrestleStock Open.
 
 
The lights suddenly drop, and in the silence, Ghost's "Hunter's Moon" to play with its haunting melody. 
The music builds and lights flash, leading up to the chorus, signaling an arrival.

Though my memories have faded
They come back to haunt me once again
And though my mind is somewhat jaded now
It's time for me to strike again tonight
It's a hunter's moon
 
'The Bogeyman' JC steps out onto the stage, staring out at the audience and wearing a Michael Myers mask over his had, having embraced his new ghoulish persona. He watches the crowd react to him and then begins walking steadily to the ring. He enters the ring and climbs up to the middle rope, before ripping the mask off of his head and staring out at the audience. He then returns to the ring and prepares for his match.
 
 
Holden: Here comes JC. He tried for a while to get himself the UGWC World Title but wasn’t able to. And now he’s back for one final go for the belt. Let’s see if he can pull it off…depending how long he sticks around.
 
 
The gentle, yet ominous beginnings of Mike Shinoda’s mix of “Passenger” by the Deftones begins to play. On the GlobalTron, a highway passes by quickly in the night from the front of a vehicle. The view moves from the front of the vehicle to the side, a dark silhouette sitting in the passenger seat, and then to the night sky itself. The beat begins to pick up and the image of a smiling Rogan MacLean begins to fade in place of the Buick scurrying down the desert highway, and then fades out just as quickly to two headlights and a license plate that reads RFM. The first verse kicks in and Rogan steps out onto the stage.

Here I lay, still and breathless
Just like always
Still I want some more
Mirrors sideways
Who cares what’s behind?
Just like always
Still your passenger

He makes his way down to the ring, gazing at the crowd. He stops at the ring, grinning, before climbing up to the apron.

This time won’t you please…
Drive faster
Roll the windows down, this
Cool night air is curious
Let the whole world look in
Who cares who sees anything?

He steps into the ring and spreads his arms with a grin. After taking in the crowd’s reaction, he kneels down in the center of the ring, just as he’s always done, and pays his respect to the ring he’s competing in.

I’m your passenger

He finally stands and walks to his corner, where he leans and waits patiently.
 
 
Holden: And here is the current Conquest Champion! Rogan Maclean. He has been to the top of the mountain and is looking to climb back up.
 
Err: RAAWWWWRRRRRR
 
Holden: I know. But if they fight it will probably be some lame boyfriend girlfriend match.
 
Err: rawr.
 
Holden: I know buddy. Here, have another bag of beef jerky.
 
Err: ^_^
 
Ed Leonard: Introducing first, a free agent looking to reclaim his chance in the spotlight……..THE BOOGEYMAN…………JAAAAYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY CCCCEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!
 
Holden: I think this is going to be a very fast paced and brutal match. These two are relentless.
 
Ed Leonard: And introducing his opponent, representing the UGWC… He is the UGWC Conquest Champion……THE DARK MAN………ROOOOOGGGGGGAAAANNNNNNNN MMMMMAACCCCCCLLLLLEEEEEAAAAANNNNNNN!
 
Holden: I wonder how Ed feels announcing the man who beat his former client for the Conquest Title.
 
Err: RRAAAWWWWRRRRRRR!
 
Holden: Couldn’t have said it better myself!
 
DING DING DING
 
Holden: We are underway!
 
Both men going right at it immediately! It’s been quite a ride so far today as we have had Donovan and Dave going crazy out in the districts today. The District Conquest match is going on. It’s absolutely wild!
 
Holden: Rogan with a solid arm drag on JC!
 
But JC rolled through and followed up with a clothesline! He immediately drops down for a series of elbows on the Conquest Champion. Roagan is able to squirm away and get himself away from the free agent. But not for long as JC is right back to work on Rogan.
 
JC gets Rogan into the corner and starts pounding away with lefts and rights! JC pulls Rogan out and goes for a snap suplex but Rogan is able to reverse it, sending JC back first into the turnbuckles! Rogan is back to his feet and hits a hard stomp on the head of JC. He pulls JC up and whips him across the ring into the opposite corner. Clothesline to follow up!
 
JC is staggering out now and gets caught with a running cross body. JC caught him!! Power slam from JC!!!! JC maintains for a quick cover and a kickout at 1 by Rogan. JC picking Rogan up now but inside cradle from Rogan! JC is able to kick out just before 2!
 
Holden: I told you big guy, this match is going to be fast paced!
 
Err: Raawwwrrrrr!
 
Holden: You said it!
 
Now both competitors are up and Rogan charges at JC. He misses with a wild clothesline but as JC spins, Rogan catches him with a spinning back kick to the face! JC is staggered as he bounces off the ropes right into the Rise of Hydra!!!! Cover from Rogan Maclean!!!
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
1………..
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
2…………..
 
 
 
 
 
 
KICK OUT!
 
 
Holden: Just about half a second longer and that would’ve been it!
 
Rogan picks up JC and sets him up for An Ode to Megaton but JC counters out with a back body drop, sending Rogan crashing to the mat. JC heads to the corner, waiting for Rogan to get up.
 
Rogan does get up and JC charges at him, hitting a running STO! JC stays down and locks in a kimura on Rogan! Rogan is able to reach and grab the ropes rather quickly, which forces JC to break the hold.
 
As Rogan comes back after JC, JC blocks a punch attempt and hits one of his own. Rogan comes back with a kick to the midsection and goes for a DDT but JC blocks it! JC counters it right into a norther lights suplex!
 
Holden: An opportunity for JC to put this one away!
 
JC picks up Rogan and whips him off the ropes. As Rogan rebounds, JC grabs him and clasps his hands for a belly to belly but Rogan counters with an overhead elbow to the face! JC staggers back! Rogan catches a staggering JC and lifts him on the ropes for a stun gun!!
 
Holden: STUN GUN!!!!
 
JC falls to the mat, holding his throat while Rogan leans in the corner catching his breath. The referee heads over to check on JC with a loud roar is heard from commentary.
 
Err: RAAAWWWWWRRRRR!!!
 
Holden: What?! No Way!!!!
 
Just then, Dave Rydell gets hurled over the barricade and right to ringside! Donovan Hastings is right behind him!
 
Holden: What the hell? Well, that’s a vigilante match I guess!
 
Donovan picks up Dave and goes to whip him right into the steel steps but Dave reverses and sends Donovan into them! Dave looks into the right at Rogan and flips him the bird. Rogan just smirks back at him and turns back to JC who is still down.
 
Dave grabs Donovan and takes him back out into the crowd as their fight continues!
 
Holden: Yeah, get out of here! We need good clean fights for the tournament, and we don’t need the likes of those two tarnishing what is going to be an epic set of matches!
 
Back in the ring, Rogan has JC up and sends him off the ropes. He connects with a vicious powerslam to the free agent. Rogan thinks about a cover but doesn’t. He decides to stomp away at JC.
 
Err: RAAWWWRRRR!
 
Holden: What’s wrong big guy?
 
Err: Rawr.
 
Holden: You’ve had too much! Just wait until after the match, okay?
 
Err: …rawr…
 
JC has Rogan on the ropes. He steps back and goes to clothesline him over but Rogan drops down and rolls out of the way. JC is able to stop himself. Rogan comes at him with a kick to the gut but JC blocks it! JC knees Rogan in the midsection and lifts him on his shoulders!
 
Holden: SOLITAIRE UNRAVELING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
 
Err: RAAAAWWWWRRRR!!!!
 
Holden: WAIT, ROGAN BLOCKS IT!! ROGAN FLOATS DOWN INTO A ROLL UP!
 
JC kicks out of the pinning predicament and gets separation! JC charges at him for a forearms smash but Rogan catches him and goes for Pharmaecopia but JC counters out! Rogan trips him up and gets him face first on the mat!
 
Holden: UNDERTOW FROM ROGAN!!!!
 
JC is able to get to his knees and falls backwards, but stays on top of Rogan for a modified roll up! Rogan can’t break free!!!
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
1!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
2!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
3!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
 
 
 
DING DING DING!!!!!!!!!!
 
 
Holden: JC DID IT!!!!
 
Err: RRAAAAAAAWWWWWWRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!!!!!!
 
 
Ed Leonard: Here is your winner……THE BOOGEYMAN……JAAAAYYYYYYYY CCCCEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!
 
 
Very quickly, JC rolls out of the ring and smirks back at Rogan. Rogan can just stand there and accept his defeat.

[UGWC Staff]

The camera crew finds Ichabod standing on a watering trough in the Arizona Regional Wrestling district, leading a crowd in egging on the fight. They’re outside of a saloon, inside which Rydell and Hastings are currently chucking each other over and into every table in the joint. Dave gets bodyslammed onto the bar, but manages to roll off to avoid a knee drop. He pops up with a bottle of whiskey and smashes it over Donovan’s head.

Ichabod: Pi-ano! Pi-ano! Pi-ano!

He leads the crowd in the chant, but Sheriff Harrison makes his way over to the tavern’s porch.

Sheriff: ‘Scuse me, pardner.

Ichabod: Fuck off, pig.

Sheriff: Jus’ wanted to let ye know, that there’s a pianEE, not a pianO.

Ichabod: PianEE?

Sheriff: Yup.

The Sheriff gleeks perfectly into a nearby spittoon. Ichabod shrugs at the crowd.

Ichabod: Pian-EE! Pian-EE! Pian-EE!

Sure enough, after hitting a missile dropkick from the bartop, Dave monkey flips Donovan into the–pianEE–with a crash, sending the former World Champ through the wooden cabinet and into the inner works.

Ichabod: Play it!

Dave grins at Ichabod and sits down, plunking out a diddy that causes the crowd to start singing along.

Crowd: Hey Jude! Don’t make it bad! Take a sad song, and make it better!

Hastings explodes out of the cabinet with a shoulder block that knocks Dave off the stool and onto the bar floor.

Ichabod looks at his phone with exasperation.

Ichabod: Shit, gotta go.

The crowd groans, but Ichabod hops down and winces a bit before rushing away.

[UGWC Staff]

Ichabod: Alright, were here in The New Frontier, a district hosted by one of our sister promotions. The whole thing has a dystopian-Egypt flavor, and that’s going to inform the next District Conquest challenge.

Ezra Wolf, Craig Cogan, Vespertine, Ken Davison, and Chris Peacock are all arranged around an obelisk on the east side of the district. 20 feet up above, a spinning device turns quickly, with three Mac-Flags hanging from it. All around the ground are milk crates filled with half gallons of milk, which have swollen in the heat near to bursting.

Ichabod: That’s fucking disgusting. No one told me about the milk. Ok, well, this is a milk crate challenge. These choads have to built a milk crate pyramid high enough to reach up and grab a Mac-Flag. If you think that seems easy, you weren’t on the internet two years ago. Anyway, there’s the bell!

The competitors all rush toward their crates and begin to pry the swollen jugs out.

Ichabod: Cogan is off to an early lead, using his superior muscles to yank those half gallons free, and he’s already assembling his pyramid two crates at a time. Ken has employed a different method, putting a crate in place each time he gets one empty. To his credit, Peacock is just flipping the crates over and shaking them until the milk falls out–oh, big mistake, one of them just busted sour milk all over his feet!

The competitors and the crowd all start suddenly, covering their faces as the acrid smell washes over them. Peacock shrugs sheepishly before continuing, a little more carefully this time.

Ichabod: Vespertine is struggling, but Wolf has all his empty. His pyramid is going up nearly at the same speed as Cogan’s. Reminder, Wolf is the only fucker out here without a Mac-Flag, so he’s on a mission.

All the competitors have managed to start their pyramids except for Vespertine, who has only emptied half of hers.

Ichabod: Another thing to not forget: Vespertine could potentially be competing during every day of the event. Hey, Cogan is going up, and so is Peacock! Wolf sees this and flings one of his half gallons. It crashes through Cogan’s pyramid, collapsing it and sending him tumbling back to the ground. Uh oh, now we have a fight!

Wolf hits an interceptor spear through Peacock’s pyramid, but luckily the Disco enthusiast saw it coming and leapt free before they hit. Two pyramids have fallen, and Vespertine has only just now gotten her base set up. Ken is climbing carefully, carrying a crate with milk still in it for balance.

Ichabod: Two up, three on the ground, we could see two Mac-Flags go right now. Wait! Vespertine just leaped off her pyramid and hit a roundhouse on Ken! She lands on his pyramid and somehow doesn’t fall, but Ken hits the earth hard! Davison casually reaches over and shoves his pyramid over, and now Vespertine falls!

Ken and Vespertine begin trading blows while Peacock rebuilds his pyramid. Wolf has already started his climb and is halfway up when Chris begins to climb. Davison hits a military press slam on Vespertine right onto a crate, breaking her in half over it. Cogan begins to climb up his newly rebuilt pyramid.

Ichabod: GKD is now rebuilding while three of his opponents are already climbing. He pauses, then grabs his un-emptied crate of milk and makes his way over to Vespertine’s untouched pyramid. Everyone but him looks shaky as they climb, but his cleverness is keeping him steady.

Cogan falls, followed by Peacock, fully of their own imbalance. Frustrated, they begin to build again as Wolf reaches up and grabs a Mac-Flag!

Ichabod: Here they come!

The Vigilante match spills into the district as Donovan and Dave execute an impressive series of chain wrestling moves. They get a little too close to Vespertine’s pyramid, where Ken has almost reached the top. Seeing them, he upends the crate and drops milk bombs onto both of them!

Ichabod: Now that’s fucking nasty.

The half gallons explode on and around them, covering them in curdled milk. They barely seem to notice, but the crowd parts WIDE around them as they fight their way back out of the district.

Ichabod: Ken got a Mac-Flag! One left, three competitors vying for it… this Peacock fucker is dancing?

He’s actually employing a punch combo in between dance moves that’s rocking Cogan backwards with each strike. The crowd chants along. Eventually, Craig stumbles over one of the crates and winds up sitting in it.

Ichabod: THE STRUT!

With Vespertine still not moving, it’s academic. Peacock builds his pyramid, climbs up, and takes the third and final Mac-Flag of this contest.

Ichabod: That’s that, then. Davison and Peacock have two Mac-Flags each, Wolf, Vespertine, and Cogan one each! Time to go get a beer while whoever the fuck is calling the other Open match takes over. Now, fuck off.

[UGWC Staff]

Vinegar: Ladies and gentlemen, it has been a hell of a day here so far. And it will only get more crazy and intense. As the vigilante match is ongoing, so is the District Conquest match. Hopefully there won’t be any interrupts during the next contest as we see Konrad Raab take on Larry Tact to see who advances to the semi finals of the tournament. And with that, I bring you over to our commentary team for this match, Roger S. Kerriman and up and coming hip hop/pop star, Freez E. Pop!
 
Roger S. Kerriman: We are here in the Black Ice Climate Racing District…what a ridiculous name. Anyway. Thanks Nick for the introduction. We will send it back over to you when things are wrapped up here!
 
Freez E. Pop: Ay ayyyy!
 
Roger: Hopefully we get a good show for today. Konrad has a lot to prove since he is trying to find his way back into the funnel of people going after big gold and we are in his district.
 
Freez: Well, Rog, can I call you Rog?
 
Roger: No, you can’t.
 
Freez: Dayummm, tough crowd. Anyway, ROGER… can’t wait to see how this unfolds. Larry Tact is one of the best to not be on the UGWC roster. Konrad has been on the roster for some time, and is trying to find his way. So, who is your pick to take this one?
 
Roger: I’m going to have to go with the outside guy, Larry Tact.
 
Freez: I’m going to have to go with my man, the ICEMANNNNNN, Konrad.
 
Roger: Shocker. You two basically have the same gimmick.
 
Freez: Whatchumeeeeeaaaaannnn?!?!
 
Roger: We can talk about that after. We are ready to kick this thing off. Let’s take it up to our guest announcer for the day, wait. That can’t be right. Tony Stewart?!
 
Freez: MAH MAN GOT TONY STEWART!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
 
Roger: You’re a NASCAR fan too?
 
Freez: Nah, but I’m a Konrad fan and he’s pulling out all the stops today!
 
Tony Stewart: Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the final quarterfinal match of UGWC’s WrestleStock!
 
 
“Pieces of Man” by Drown plays over the arena speakers as the lights cut out. Royal blue lights flicker on the stage while golden spotlights scan the crowd before focusing on Larry Tact at the top of the stage. He opens his arms and puffs out his chest, soaking in the crowd’s reaction before bellowing and making his way down the ramp, the spotlight following him. As he walks, Larry critiques some fans at ringside with petty insults before arriving to the ring, glaring at his opposition. He pulls himself up using the ropes and walks slowly along the apron before wiping his boots and entering the ring. He stretches using the ropes, smoothes back his hair and bounces from side-to-side, again zeroed in on his opposition and ready to go.
 
 
Roger: Larry Tact is here. And he is ready. No nonsense, it seems!
 
 
Cold by Static-X plays over the sound system as Konrad comes out through the curtain, wearing his blue and black facepaint with his black and blue gear along with his wrestling trousers with his nickname The Black Ice on the back of them with Pit Bull Energy logos on the side of his trousers with black gloves on both of his hands. He has the blue and black yin-yang tattoo on his right shoulder and Iceman from X-Men tattoo on his back, ice wolf tattoo on his left chest, ice bear tattoo on his right chest and flame cage tattoo on his left shoulder. Also has a penguin, walrus and a polar bear stitching on the left-hand side of his chest, stating Stop Climate Change.

He ignores the fans due to his focus on wanting to fight in the ring. He goes up the stairs before going in-between the ropes before sitting down in the corner of the ring with the crowd booing for him, having a nasty look in his eyes waiting for the match to start.
 
Freez: My man looks focused, and ready to go! There is no way he doesn’t get the dub for his company!
 
Tony Stewart: Introducing first, representing Level Up Wrestling…….LARRRRRYYYYYYYYYYY TTTAAAAAAAAAAAACCCCCCCCTTTTTTTTTTTTTT!!!!!!!!!
 
Roger: Former RMWF World Champion, and the last one, I might add. Former New ERA of Wrestling World Champion. This guy has quite the resume!
 
Tony Stewart: And his opponent, representing the UGWC………..THE ICEMAN…………KONRRRRRAAAAAAAAADDDDDDD RRRRRAAAAAAAAAABBBBBBBBBBBBB!!!!!!!!!!!!
 
Freez: Former Cross-Hemisphere Champion and-
 
Roger: Yup, until that guy right there got in his business and wouldn’t let him win it back some years back.
 
Freez: Who?!
 
Just then, Dave Rydell and Donovan Hastings burst through the curtain onto the stage. Dave has a steel chair in hand and swings wildly at Donovan but misses. Donovan comes up behind Dave and grabs him, hurling him right into the set! Dave staggers back, right into a back drop from Donovan, but Dave floats out and grabs Donovan from behind! Dave goes for a German suplex but Donovan elbows out. The two continue to fist fight off the stage and through the crowd as Ichabod is right behind them trying not to spill his beer.
 
Roger: Hopefully that will be the last we see of them for this contest.
 
Freez: I hope so too. Konrad needs to stay focused and there can’t be any distractions!
 
DING DING DING!!!!!
 
Roger: And with that, the match has begun!
 
Freez: No shit.
 
Roger: You’re a real hit at parties, aren’t you?
 
Freez: I try.
 
Roger: Konrad with a nice arm drag to Larry.
 
Freez: Oh, there goes another one!
 
Roger: He’s going for a third but Larry blocks it and hits one of his own!
 
Freez: Larry following up with an elbow drop but Konrad rolls away!
 
Roger: Konrad picks Larry up and sends him into the corner.
 
Freez: Back handspring with an elbow to Larry!
 
Roger: Flurries of lefts and rights from Konrad!
 
Freez: Larry blocks and reverses, putting Konrad in the corner!
 
Roger: Lefts and rights from the Tactful One!
 
Freez: Knee to the midsection of Konrad.
 
Roger: Konrad stumbles out of the corner… DDT from Larry!
 
Freez: He goes for the cover but can’t even get one.
 
Roger: Too early for a pin, if you ask me.
 
Freez: Are you a pro wrestler now too?
 
Roger: I’m just a smart fan.
 
Freez: Sure…whatever helps you sleep at night.
 
Roger: Larry pulling Konrad up into a gut wrench suplex!
 
Freez: Look at the strength of this guy.
 
Roger: Konrad blocks it and hits a back body drop!
 
Freez: Konrad with a series of stomps.
 
Roger: Konrad drops down and starts punching the head of Larry!
 
Freez: After a 5 count the referee forces him to break out of it.
 
Roger: Konrad goes to the middle turnbuckle and leaps for a knee drop but misses!
 
Freez: Larry rolled away!!!
 
Roger: That’s why Konrad missed!
 
Freez: Larry hits a sliding dropkick on Konrad.
 
Roger: Larry pulling Konrad up now, and gets him in a full nelson but Konrad breaks out of it.
 
Freez: He hooks the arms of Larry… double underhook DDT!!!
 
Roger: Konrad covers…
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
1……………
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
2…………
 
 
 
 
 
 
Kick out!
 
 
Roger: Just over 2, with a long way to 3!
 
Freez: It do be like that sometimes.
 
Roger: Indeed…. Konrad back on the offensive. He’s looking like he wants to put this away quickly.
 
Freez: He picks up Larry and sends him off the ropes but Larry comes back with a clothesline!
 
Roger: Konrad ducks it and hits the opposite ropes.
 
Freez: They meet in the middle and SPEAR FROM KONRAD!
 
Roger: Konrad grabs Larry and grabs him by the throat with both hands.
 
Freez: ICEINATOR TIME!!!!!!!!
 
Roger: Larry kicks and squirms his way out!
 
Freez: Swinging neckbreaker to Konrad!
 
Roger: Konrad pops back up and gets taken right back down by a haymaker from Larry!
 
Freez: Larry pulls Konrad up and sets him up for The Humbling!
 
Roger: Konrad counters out! He’s set him up for Piles of Black Ice!
 
Freez: Larry counters out of that…
 
Roger: TACTFUL SURRENDER!!!!
 
Freez: COVER FROM LARRY!!!!
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
1!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
2!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
3!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
 
 
 
 
 
DING DING DING!!!!
 
Tony Stewart: Here is your winner………LARRRRRRYYYYYYYYY TTTAAAAAAACCCCCTTTT!!!!!!!!!
 
Roger: I told you!
 
Freez: Yeah you did.
 
Roger: Don’t be such a sourpatch about it. It happens.
 
Freez: Whatever man.
 
Roger: We will be right back for the conclusion of the District Conquest match and the Vigilante match! Thanks for tuning in!

[UGWC Staff]

Ichabod: Go… go… go…

We rejoin the Engine of Calamity in the road outside a district near and dear to his heart - the Engine of Chaos/Err Bear Cooperation District. Currently, Donovan has Rydell in a seated position up against the wall outside the district and is throwing kick after kick into him. Ichabod is trying through sheer willpower to urge them into the district.

Ichabod: Christ, come on, stop kicking the son of a bitch and drag him in there!

Rydell suddenly explodes away from the wall, hitting a double leg take down, and then mounting punches on Hastings. Ichabod keeps his distance, assuming they both still reek of spoiled milk, but he’s making a motion with his hands as if he could use the Force to push them through the gate.

Donovan manages to roll over and pull Dave into a side headlock while struggling up to his feet. He drags Rydell over to the gate and begins slamming his face against it. Dave blocks after several slams and throws an elbow back at Hastings. He reverses, slamming Donovan bodily into the gate, then hits a superkick that knocks Donovan into the district!

Ichabod: Fuck yes, this is going to be good.

Ichy marches over to watch as Dave storms into the district after Hastings.

That’s when his phone vibrates.

Ichabod: Fucking kidding me?

He looks at it, then stares wistfully after the vigilante competitors.

Ichabod: Fuck it, get someone else to call the stupid fucking Conquest shit.

With that, he eagerly follows Rydell and Hastings into the weird district.

[UGWC Staff]

In the Astro Creeps Drive In Movie Theater district, the entire collection of movie cars has been rearranged. With the giant screen in the center, and two Mac-Flags hanging from the front of it, the cars form a labyrinth around it.

The combatants are outside one of the entrances to the maze, with the ref explaining that they simply have to make it to the center and retrieve the Mac-Flags from the screen. The competitors nod, confident they can complete this trial with no issues.

One by one, the ref walks them around, leaving one outside of a different entrance each. When he’s satisfied, he calls for the bell, and Craig, Chris, Ken, Ezra, and Vespertine all rush in.

Ezra Wolf passes by a ’71 Plymouth ‘Cuda when one of the doors clicks open. From within, the Tall Man emerges.

He steps out from behind Ezra and approaches with a snarl. Wolf spins around and wastes no time attacking!

Wolf hits Tall Man with a single leg drop kick, knocking him back against the Cuda. He unleashes Kickin’ it Old School then follows up with Fore’n Object! The tall man is no match for The Red Eyed Warrior, and he soon finishes him off with Peace Out!

In another section of the maze, Chris Peacock peers in through the window of a ’58 Plymouth Fury. Behind him, from the trunk of a ‘73 Oldsmobile Delta 88, three Dedites emerge and surround him.

Female Dedite 1: I’ll swallow your soul!

Male Dedite: You’ll be dead by dawn!

Peacock: Groovy.

The three dedites rush him, but Chris begins laying them out with straight jabs. None of them can seem to get close enough to cause any damage, and Peacock eventually lays out the second female with The Disco Thriller. He whips the male through the side mirror of the Fury, then hits him with The Roller Disco. Finally, he scoops the first female up and delivers Dance, Dance, Revolutions. With the dedites sorted, he continues through the maze.

Elsewhere, Ken Davison comes to a dead stop when he notices the ‘72 Ford Club Wagon rock in front of him. Raising an eyebrow, he backs up a little, then gets into a defensive stance. The side panel of the van slides open, and Leatherface steps out.

Leatherface pulls out a chainsaw, but before he can pull the cord to crank it, Davison rushes at him and kicks it away. He pulls the big man into a shoulder breaker, then a dragon screw. He manages to get Leatherface into a German suplex, then a Jawdropper!!. Ken locks in Hands of God and holds on for dear life until the big man stops moving!

From behind a ’78 Ford Pinto, a low, menacing growl emanates. Craig Cogan squints as he moves in closer to investigate. That’s when Cujo lumbers out.

Craig’s eyes go wide, presumably unsure how he’s supposed to ‘fake’ wrestle a rabid St. Bernard. When Cujo lets out a deep ‘bork’, Cogan turns and sprints away. Cujo gives chase!

Vespertine is currently stepping warily around a rusty ‘41 Chevrolet Cab Over Engine. The door opens slowly, and the Creeper drops from the cab.

The Creeper lunges at her, but Vespertine lets loose a barrage of Muay Thai kicks that knock him back against the truck. She grabs him and hops up onto the running board, then leaps onto the hood to hit a shiranui. As The Creeper starts to recover, Vespertine rolls into a dropkick to knock him back down. The next time he starts to get up, she gives him Breaking The Bank! She climbs up onto the truck hood, waiting for him to stir. When he does, she hits a 450 splash, then drags him back up for Epically Diva!

She’s bemused when Craig Cogan runs by, a massive, filthy dog in pursuit.

As the sun sets, we’re treated to a montage of the competitors fighting various horror icons outside of their respective vehicles as they make their way closer and closer to the center. The montage wraps up with Cogan nailing Cujo with The Whole Thing, causing the animatronic to fall to pieces.

The cameras suddenly switch to multiple angles of the center of the maze, where Duel is playing on the screen. Ezra Wolf and Vespertine emerge from the vehicles on opposite sides and rush toward the screen. They each grab a Mac-flag and collapse with exhaustion. Moments later, Peacock, Cogan, and Davison appear, only to be disappointed.

[UGWC Staff]

Ichabod crushes a Chadweiser outside the EOC/EBC district, shaking his head.

Ichabod: I’ve seen some shit in my life, but THAT was sick.

He throws a thumb backward toward where the Vigilante match apparently continued. Rydell and Hastings, right on cue, burst out of the gate, kicking and punching like anime characters as they cross the street. Donovan suddenly dips down and scoops Dave up, executing a running powerslam that carries them into the Johncast district.

Stoners scatter as Donny completes the powerslam through a catering table full of edibles. Danny Danger appears, demanding to know the meaning of this. He pulls out a walkie talkie to summon security, but spends an inordinate amount of time fiddling with the dials, trying to figure out how to get it to work.

A gleeful Ichabod has the grin wiped off his face by the sound of his phone.

Ichabod: Well, I guess I’ll go call the finale of the District Conquest.

He calls out to the competitors as Rydell smashes Hastings into the side of a yurt.

Ichabod: You boys keep it up until I get back!

[UGWC Staff]

Ichabod: I don’t know how they pulled this off, but the entire ground of the Black Ice Climate Racing district has been covered in a thick sheet of ice. There’s a pillar of ice on the opposite side from the entrance, and a single Mac-flag is perched at the top. I think the goal here is obvious.

The district has been mostly evacuated, but fans are perched on the fences all around the perimeter to watch the finale.

Ichabod: As they line up, just a reminder that everyone has two Mac-flags except fuckin’ Craig. If he manages to get up that pillar first, we’ll have to go to a sudden death contest, which I’m told is in an as-of-yet-unveiled district. Ya know, ominous and shit. But if one of the others gets it, that’s the game and we have a new number one contender.

A bell rings and the fighters rush onto the ice.

Ichabod: Oh my gods, look at these absolute fucking choads slipping and falling all over the place! Davison just went ass over teakettle into one of those stupid fucking vegan food stands. Vespertine is sliding on her face around the south end of the race track. Cogan looks like Mario trying to get his footing in the ice levels, with his feet scrabbling for purchase. And, probably unsurprisingly, Wolf and Peacock are taking shots at each other as they skate around.

Peacock, who is obviously an expert at skating, seems to be keeping his feet as he goes to town on Wolf. He sweeps Ezra’s legs from under him and hits a leg drop on the ice. He’s about to skate away, but Ezra kicks Chris’s knee, setting him up for Lightning Strike!

Ichabod: This crafty motherfucker… Ken is sitting on the food counter spreading some kind of nut butter on the bottom of his wrestling boots. Now he slaps a few handfuls of chia seeds onto the peanut butter, and he’s ready to get back out on the ice!

Carefully Davison steps back out on the ice, testing his steps at first, but gaining confidence. Eventually he’s moving at a good clip toward the pillar, but Peacock is coming up behind him. Davison hears and sidesteps an attack, pulling Chris into a pendulum backbreaker. Vespertine pinwheels over and manages an awkward cartwheel bomb into them both!

Ichabod: Wolf is crab-walking toward the pillar away from them, but the fans up on the wall are suddenly spilled onto the ice when several feet of the fence explodes inward! Bodies and bits of wood go skidding across the field as Hastings drives a golf cart through. A bloody Rydell is ratchet-strapped to the hood!

One of the fans crashed into Ezra, causing him to tumble off course. Donovan is struggling to get traction as the golf card donuts and spirals right toward the three fighters still tangling. An engine roars to life, and from a garage on one side, the Skittles car crashes through a door and out onto the ice.

Ichabod: That fucker Konrad Raab is at the wheel, and expertly navigating the stock car across the field of ice. He pulls into a drift that puts the car right in the path of the golf cart, causing Hastings to jerk the wheel to the left. It’s too much of a turn, and the cart flips over into Craig, who was just getting his feet under him.

Raab gets out, giving Hastings and Rydell a verbal lashing about literally crashing his district.

Ichabod: That fucking choad can drive! Hastings though… he’s tangled up with Craig and they’re fighting each other now. Rydell manages to break free and hits Raab with a Virus of Life, effectively shutting him the fuck up.

Donovan hits Craig with Destiny’s Call, laying him out. After a quick self check for injuries, Rydell and Hastings limp toward each other again!

Ichabod: Davison just broke free of that tangle, and he’s making a break for the pillar, but Wolf just shoved the last fan off and is picking up a broken piece of fence. I hope he jabs that into Ken’s back!

Instead, Wolf tosses the jagged plank onto the ice and steps on it, pushing off with the other foot.

Ichabod: Ok, so we have chicken feed foot and surfer fuck racing toward the pillar… they get there at the same time… Adios Amigo!!

With Ken sprawling, Wolf starts to climb the pillar, searching for nooks to keep from sliding back down. Davison recovers and leaps onto the pillar, but instead of climbing, he grabs Wolf and chokeslams him back down to the icy ground.

Ichabod: Hastings has Rydell up on the hood of the Skittles car, trying to lock in The Hands of Fate. Dave counters, and shoves him away… TIP OF THE SPEAR THROUGH THE WINDSHIELD!!

A ref rushes over to where their feet are the only things visible sticking out and makes the call…


1…





2…









3!!!

Ichabod: Holy shit! Dave Rydell is the winner!!

Back over at the pillar, Ken and Ezra are both climbing, taking shots around the pillar where they can. Cold Snap from Wolf off the pillar!

Ichabod: Alright, you worthless trash, don’t stop now. Get up that pillar.

Vespertine is limping toward the pillar now, and she leaves Peacock broken behind her. Davison begins to stir, and uses the pillar to heft himself to his feet. Vespertine manages to get close enough to strike, winds up walking right into the Kenadian Destroyer!

Ichabod: I think he’s got it… Davison is climbing..

Wolf somehow gets to his feet again. He is behind, but he’s giving it all he’s got to get started up that pillar.

Ichabod: I think that little stoner is going to catch up to him! No, he slipped, he slipped!

Davison reaches the top and reaches out, then grasps the Mac-flag!

Ichabod: Ken Davison wins the District Conquest!!!

GKD sits on top of the pillar, looking around at the mess of bodies and debris on the ice.

Ichabod: Well that was a productive day. If you’re looking for me, I’ll be in the Devil’s District for the rest of the night! Now, fuck off!