No Holds Barred: Rising Sun Results

[T-Robosaurus Rex]

We pull up on the iconic image. The Rising Sun. Red dot in a sea of white. The whole screen now fills with red as we crossfade to another iconic image, a muscular man in a preripped red and yellow muscle shirt. He stands in front of the Japanese flag, and turns towards the camera.

"Listen up brother, this is a fully licensed Hulk Hogan impersonator, here to tell you that Global Impact Wrestling's No Holds Barred event is going to be more extreme than Mr Nanny, more violent than Suburban Commando, and more punishing than a Thunder in Paradise marathon!

So you little Globalmaniacs better take your vitamins, drink your milk, say your prayers, and don't try any of this at home. Or a reasonable facsimile of Hulkamania is going to run wild all over you!"

Fade to black and cue intro video

[T-Robosaurus Rex]

Maximum the Hormone’s “What’s Up People?” continues its aural assault as pyrotechnics go off all over the Tokyo Dome. We scan over the throng and can pick out fans off all nationalities who’ve made the trek to join their Japanese brethren, and they all scream their heads off.

Vinegar: We made it folks! Welcome to Tokyo! Global Impact Wrestling, No Holds Barred Rising Sun!

Hanson: I can’t hear you, Nick! These slant-eyes are going craaaazy!

Vinegar: And we’ve officially hit the first Oriental slur of the evening at….five seconds?

Hanson: Because this is No Holds Barred, baby! Hardcore all the way!

Vinegar: We are going to see some incredible bouts this evening, culminating in our main event, Gabrielle vs Travis Roberts for the Unified Championship!

Hanson: In a Barbed Wire Rope, Exploding C4 Turnbuckle, Light Tube, Thumb Tack, Various Blunt Objects, Time Bomb Deathmatch of Doom! A….

Vinegar: Are you really going to do this?

Hanson: Yep. A BWRXC4TLTTTVBOTBDoD!

Vinegar: We also have fire! Cages! Tables! Explosions! Ladders! And god only knows what else! And let’s get right into the action here in Tokyo!

Mitchell: Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the Tokyo Dome! Welcome to Global Impact Wrestling! Welcome…to NOOOOOO HOOOOOLDS BAAAARRRRRED!

Crowd: G-I-DUB! G-I-DUB! G-I-DUB!

Mitchell: The first match of the evening is a Triple Threat, Iron Man Table Match with a 20 minute time limit! The winner of this contest will be named Number One Contender for the GIW.Com Title!

The lights come down. Nile comes over the speakers. Serapis steps out onto the entryway, hands pressed hard against his temples. He thrusts his hands out to the side, signaling the full lights to pop to life. He looks around at the huge crowd, soaking it all in with that crazed look in his eye. Then he rushes down the ramp and leaps into the ring.

Vinegar: This young man scored a surprise tag win last week against the Covenant, so he may have the momentum to pull off a victory here at his first pay per view.

Hanson: Poor guy is over-stimulated, look at the twitchies!

Vinegar: He is definitely a peculiar individual, but he has also already proven to have quite the athletic ability.

Mitchell: Introducing first, from Taipei, Republic of China, weighing in at 235 pounds, SEEEERAPIIIIIS!

Vinegar: Interesting fact, when Serapis was living in China, he was a member of the Triads.

Hanson: So, he was a singer?

Vinegar: No, the Triads, the criminal groups. I wouldn’t be surprised if some of his former partners are somewhere in the crowd in fact.

Hanson:…so they were singing criminals?

“Beginning of the End” plays. Tim Kingsley steps out through a ring of flames, laser gun in hand. He points it up into the air and pulls the trigger, causing sparks to rain down on one side of the arena, then the other. He marches down to the ring, rolls in and fires into the air, causing sparks to rain down over the ring.

Mitchell: Next, from Fort Lauderdale Florida, weighing 221 pounds, Space Cadet TIIIM KIIIINGSLEEEEEY!

Vinegar: Kingsley made his return last week to secure his place in this match after an extended absence.

Hanson: Maybe he was on a secret mission, anally probing cows or something.

Vinegar: The last time he was seen in the ring before that, he was trying to interrupt JK’s wedding.

Hanson: All he had to do was wait for the preacher to ask for objections. It’s written right there in the script.

Vinegar: What script?

Hanson: Um, that script that the preacher was holding?

Vinegar: You mean the Bible?

Hanson: …yes, yes I do.

The funky stylings of “Storm Front” announce JK’s entrance onto the ramp. An even bigger pop that usual for the young superstar brings on a large smile as he holds up the Category 5 signal and a wall of pyro goes off behind him. He strolls down the ramp, interacting with the fans before leaping up onto the turnbuckle and posing.

Mitchell: And the third competitor, from Townsville North Queensland Australia, weighing in at 229 pounds, THE CYCLOOONE J K!

Vinegar: Now this is a young man who has gone through a lot lately, a chance to win the GIW.Com Title would only be one more in a long string of incidents.

Hanson: Is that your polite way of mentioning how he knocked up a fellow teenager in a clear argument for the police-enforced curfew?

Vinegar: Actually, I would say that JK has been a positive role model in his mature handling of the situation.

Hanson: Hey, yeah, go encourage rampant condom-less underage fucking, why not? We’ve already been booted off the air back home!

Vinegar: We’ll deal with that when we get back to the states, right now it looks like Hazel East is ready to start this match! Now, all three men have twenty minutes to put each other through as many tables as possible, whoever scores the most falls will be names number one contender for the GIW.Com Title!

Hanson: So which bad example you have your money on? The paint huffer, the teen fucker, or the sci-fi nerd?

Vinegar: I have my money on a high-impact, unpredictable match. JK exploding with a flying lariat on Tim Kingsley, he hasn’t forgiven Kingsley for attacking his bride!

Hanson: Good thing she didn’t come to the ring tonight. With her history of getting beat up, the last thing she needs is for someone to go Snitsky on her.

Vinegar: JK raining punches down onto The Space Cadet’s head. Kingsley tries rolling over onto his stomach, but JK just keeps punching at the back of his head.

Hanson: Rabbit pun….no, kangaroo punches!

Vinegar: Now Serapis with a low dropkick to the face of The Cyclone! Reminding the Aussie Superstar that this is a three way dance.

Hanson: He’s already in enough trouble, he doesn’t need to start doing three-ways!

Vinegar: Now JK throwing chops at Serapis, Serapis trading them back.

Crowd: WOOO! WOOO! WOOO! WOOOO!

Vinegar: Kingsley back to his feet, he’s bulldogs JK and kicks Serapis in the face!

Hanson: In one fell swoop!

Vinegar: Space Man putting a boot into JK’s ribcage, each kick sending him rolling across the mat. Now Kingsley going up top, Guillotine Legdrop!

Hanson: It is too early to focus on just hitting one guy over and over again, Buggy McCrackFiend is back up and rested.

Vinegar: Serapis is indeed back to his feet and charges in for a running DDT, Kingsley lands right on top of JK. Now the Somersault Senton onto both men!

Hanson: A Space Man sandwich! See, now Serapis has made sure that he took the fight out of BOTH men, and goes out for our first table!

Vinegar: Yes indeed, Serapis has gone out to pull a table from under the ring and it’s now been slid into the ring!

Crowd: GET THE TABLES! (CLAP CLAP CLAPCLAPCLAP!) GET THE TABLES! (CLAP CLAP CLAPCLAPCLAP!)

Vinegar: Serapis is setting it up in the corner now, Space Cadet gets back to his feet already and is charging from behind!

Hanson: Three ways AND going in from behind? Get your head out of the gutter!

Vinegar: Serapis catches him and tries to guide his momentum forward into the table! Kingsley keeps his feet up and rebounds off the table! Now a dropkick pushes Serapis against the hard wood.

Hanson: Oh man.

Vinegar: JK with a forearm shot to the back of Kingsley’s head, now picks him up, he’s going to throw him into Serapis! The Young God catches him, and tosses him back at JK! Kingsley and Cyclone both on the mat, Serapis picks up JK, he’s going to suplex him into the table! JK floats over, goes for an overhead belly to back suplex! Serapis placing his feet against the table and flips back to his feet in position for the Russian Leg Sweep! JK blocks it, reverses it into a facebuster! Some serious jockeying for position in that exchange!

Hanson: What, you wanna say they were trying to be on top? Come on, just let it all out.

Vinegar: Daniel, you are probably the last person in this company to imply anyone else has a dirty mind.

Hanson: That’s why I am the most qualified to tell you that you’re a pervert!

Vinegar: JK goes to whip Kingsley into the corner, reversed! Now The Space Cadet charging in, he goes for a flying forearm smash, JK ducks out of the corner, Kingsley showing good presence of mind in grabbing the top rope and placing his feet on the other rope, stopping his momentum at the last moment! JK with a hard kick and Kingsley crumples to the ground.

Hanson: Have to say he left himself open for that one. Just like Jasmine’s legs.

Vinegar: JK picks up Kingsley in powerbomb position, stepping back to get a running start, now charging, Kingsley flips over, JK skids to a stop.

Hanson: Bug Boy pops up and snaps Space Ace’s head backwards to the mat! And a sidekick pushes JK back against the giant throbbing woody.

Vinegar: Serapis to the opposite corner, charging for a spear! Oh my, interesting counter there! JK, gripping the sides of the table, dives forward and uses the table as a shield! Serapis smacks it headfirst!

Hanson: He pulled that off like it was a pair of Hannah Montana underoos!

Vinegar: Ignoring that. JK slides out for a second table! Now there are two tables in play, JK sets them in opposite corners. Serapis whipped to one side, Kinsley whipped to the other. JK runs towards The Cadet, rocket knees to the midsection! Kingsley is caved into the table, score 1 for The Cyclone!

Hanson: Now he’s getting greedy, heading towards Bug Boy. You keep them woozy, like you slipped them the roofie. He should know all about that.

Vinegar: Hate to say it, but you’re right about one thing, Serapis was ready for him. He steps forward and judo tosses JK into the table!

Hanson: Now Loverboy is the one in LaLaLand, struggling up to his feet. Serapis with the flying lariat over the rope does not do him any favors.

Vinegar: They trade blows out on the floor now, JK with the upper hand, charging now, Serapis tries to duck down for the backdrop, JK grabs him, lift him up, Eye of the Storm onto the concrete!

Hanson: He’s face down! Quick, take advantage of him!

Vinegar: JK pulling out the next table, he goes to slide it under the ropes.

Hanson: Space Lord Motherfucker is up and at ‘em! Baseball slide pushes the table into JK’s face, that’ll rattle some teeth!

Vinegar: The table slides back out at an angle, it’s still propped against the apron. Kingsley springboards off the top rope down onto JK, hurracarana back into that propped table! That ties things up, one fall each!

Hanson: So now it’s bondage, huh?

Vinegar: Serapis and Kingsley both up and grabbing tables now. Kingsley set his table up and places JK on top of it, climbing up with him. Serapis is setting up his table right next to Kingsley’s? What do you think his strategy is?

Hanson: If I had to guess from looking at him, it would be to catch the magic green fairies and use them to power a driftwood cannon that can scare away the rock goblins.

Vinegar: Kingsley slamming JK onto the table, it doesn’t give!

Hanson: Oh, from experience, the only thing worse than going through a table is NOT going through a table.

Vinegar: Serapis reaches over and grabs Kingsley from behind, reverse DDT onto his own table, this one cracks! That’s worth a point! Now Serapis climbs onto the other table with JK, but the Cyclone is fighting back! The New God ducks JK’s punch, lifts him up in backdrop position, tosses him over the top rope back into the ring!

Hanson: Kingsley struggling back to his feet, he really could just lay down for awhile and catch his breath, like Tate Levene after opening a bag of chips.

Vinegar: Serapis pulling him up onto the table now. Going for a piledriver! The Space Cadet sandbagging, he pulls the feet out from under him. JK hops up on the turnbuckle, Cane Toad Splash onto Serapis! Kingsley hops off the table just in time, but JK still gets the point!

Hanson: Now’s your chance Space Case. Just go ahead and grape them both.

Vinegar: What is with you tonight?

Hanson: We have a reputation to live up to now, thanks to the US Government. Come on baby, this is our most hardcore event ever, let’s go corrupt the future generations!

Vinegar: Kingsley trying to capitalize on it, but JK snake eyes him on the barricade! Now JK is pulling out every table he can find under the ring! One table slid into the ring, a second ring slid into the ring, now a third tossed over the top rope, over to the other side, a fourth table in between the middle ropes, fifth table, and a sixth table!

Hanson: Ah ha ha!

Vinegar: Serapis and Kingsley trading punches on the outside, JK reaches out and grabs The Space Cadet, yanks him into the ring, leaving Serapis to look for another table on his own side.

Hanson: JK is using that post to slam some sense into Captain Kirk.

CROWD: ONE! TWO! THREE! FOUR! FIVE! ONE MORE TIME! ONE MORE TIME! SIX!

Vinegar: Now JK setting up a table near the corner, this doesn’t bode well for Kingsley.

Hanson: Being born didn’t bode well for Kingsley. See this, Cyclone? This is what you DON’T want you child to turn into. That and a cowboy. Oh, and I’d like to foreshadow that one of the other tables that JK flung into the ring is inclined against the ropes on the other side there.

Vinegar: Setting him up on the top turnbuckle, he’s looking for a superplex through the table! Kingsley fighting back, though. Serapis has the table set up on the floor, and now he’s grabbing for another one.

Hanson: How many tables did we stuff down there, anyway?

Vinegar: Enough for the match, and thank god for that! Kingsley’s regained the upper hand on the turnbuckle, now he seems to be grabbing hold of JK, oh no, is he thinking what I think he’s thinking?

Hanson: I think so!

Vinegar: LIFE ON MARS! That fallaway slam from the top rope, tossing JK through Serapis’s table and onto the concrete! The score is tied again!

Hanson: Big surprise there. Hey, what’s Atom Ant doing with that other table?

Vinegar: It looks like he is trying to set it between the ring stairs and the barricade, Kingsley charging from behind. Serapis dodges! And Kingsley is clotheslined, more or less, by that table! Now Serapis sets him up on it and rolls back into the ring.

Hanson: This bug’s gonna fly!

Vinegar: Serapis bouncing off the ring ropes, running up that inclined table and leaps off into the SHOOTING STAR PRESS!

Hanson: Spock just got taken back home with that move.

CROWD: G-I-DUB! G-I-DUB! G-I-DUB!

Vinegar: Serapis manages to pull himself back up and he slides Kingsley back into the ring. JK’s recovered on the other side, and now he’s back in the ring also. He saw that SSP, and we only have a few minutes left in this match, so he has to even up quickly.

Hanson: Glue Huffer has Nerfherder up on his shoulders!

Vinegar: And here comes JK to try and break it up, Serapis stops him in his tracks with a sidekick, Kingsley still held high! And now he dives into that inclined table, scoring his second fall in a row.

Hanson: There’s a problem you can’t marry your way out of!

Vinegar: JK glaring at Serapis, he knows he’s behind by two right now, and you know he must believe that he deserves that title shot.

Hanson: So? This is a great chance to teach the kids at home about disappointment. Wait, was what that?

Vinegar: It appears that a chair has fallen into the middle of the ring? And now another, landing just to the right of Serapis.

Hanson: It’s the apocalypse! Steel chairs raining down from the sky!

Vinegar: Point a camera up there, let’s see what’s…it’s The Phantom! JK’s tag partner has a load of chairs up there in his perch and he is chucking them to the floor in reckless abandon!

Hanson: A million tables under the ring, a million chairs above the ring. I can see why we came to Japan.

Vinegar: Serapis and The Cyclone are trading forearm shots as chairs continue to plummet all around them! One just bounced off of Serapis’s back, another just cracked JK on the top of the head! He’s just dumping out rows of chairs into the ring! The tables are covered in chairs…Kingsley is covered in chairs! JK plucks one out the air and swings it at Serapis! Followed by a scoop slam onto that carpet of steel!

Hanson: Now Space Ace is rising from the sea of chairs like Gojira! And he has on in his hands!

Vinegar: Kingsley cracking JK in the back with that chair, sending him to his knees. PELE! JK bounces back up and kicks that chair into the face of Kingsley! Serapis back up, and he has a chair in each hand! Jabbing one into the gut of JK, and now a cymbal crash! JK’s head sandwiched between those two chairs! And more continue to fall!
Hanson: Hey! Sara’s Piss found a use for that knot on Bowie’s head!

Vinegar: The New God has set up a chair and picked up Kingsley by the hair, now slamming his throat down across the back of that chair! JK and Kingsley are down, Serapis has the lead, he may be winning this contest!

Hanson: Come on, how can there still be chairs left to throw?

Vinegar; Either way, Serapis appears to have had enough, he has those crazed eyes focused up on the Phantom, now he’s grabbing that table from the corner and setting it in the middle of the ring. Now he piles the other four unopened tables and piles them on top of it. Now what is he doing?

Hanson: Let me answer your question with my own. Ever played Jenga?

Vinegar: Serapis is setting up another table on top of that one, and pulling up the other slats with him. He is building a tower of tables! That is quite the feat of strength and balance!

Hanson: He puts one on, slides the next one on top, opens it up, slides the next one on top, opens it up. He must be an engineering major.

Vinegar: He is standing on five tables and trying to catch the chairs that are still being thrown at him! He’s throwing them back, engaging the Phantom in a steel fire fight!

Hanson: This is the kind of fight that no matter who wins, both contestants are a bit of a loser.

Vinegar: JK back on his feet, he’s climbing up the side of that tower! Kingsley pulls himself over to the other side! Both men are climbing up towards Serapis, who continues to try and chuck chairs up into the rafters!


Hanson: They better climb fast, we are on our last minute of this match!

Vinegar: The Phantom tosses his last chair, Serapis catches it! Kingsley is the first to the top, Serapis cracks him on top of the head with that chair! He’s woozy! Serapis winds up for another shot, JK grabs the chair out of his hands and tosses it down to the pile.

Hanson: Throw another shrimp on the barby!

Vinegar: Serapis lunges for JK, The Cyclone ducks down and catches him! Serapis up on JK’s shoulders. Kingsley reaching for JK, Cyclone catches him as well! JK has both men up on his shoulders! He’s straining under the weight, but look at the determination. He jumps up and pushes both men up off of himself. CATEGORY FIVE TO BOTH MEN! THE FORCE SENDS THEM CAREENING DOWN THROUGH THE TABLE, AND THE NEXT ONE, AND THE NEXT ONE!

Hanson: GRAVITY IS A HARSH MISTRESS!

Vinegar: JK has driven both men through ALL FIVE TABLES!

Crowd: G I DUB! G I DUB! G I DUB!

Vinegar: And there’s the twenty minute bell!

Mitchell: Here is your winner, THE CYCLONE, JAAAAAY KAAAAAY!

Hanson: So there you go kids. Battlestar Galactica and the crack cocaine are bad for you, but sex is alright. Hehe. Butt sex.

'The Cyclone' JK : 7

Serapis: 5

Tim Kingsley: 0

[T-Robosaurus Rex]

Vinegar: Alright folks, while our unbelievably talented crew clean up the carnage in the ring…

Hanson: And wheel those men to the infirmary…

Vinegar: And set up the ring for the Killer Kaiju Cage, let’s take a look at what has led up to this match!

We see Moss rolling up Raenius with the Cutting Room. Boss P’s less-than-soothing voice over “I PRONOUNCE DA BALDING NIGGA GIW’S FIRST GIW.COM CHAMPION”. Moss complaining about run-ins. Affirmative Action, Chassie and Raenius downing Moss and Savana before walking back up the ramp. Chassie talking to the camera about Moss being just a pawn. Chassie hitting Moss with a chair. Moss slamming her head against the ring barrier. The montage ends with their stare down at Head Shots.

Hanson: Look at Tiny Tokyo! Oh, it’s so cute! I want to shrink myself down and run through the streets of Tiny Tokyo!

Vinegar: That isn’t just a cute little model town, though, Daniel. That city has been specially designed and crafted to cause damage! The middle of the ring has been left open for grappling, but the corners all feature those accurate and dangerous recreations of real Tokyo architecture.

Hanson: And don’t forget the Thunderdome, hanging like a dark cloud over Tiny Tokyo.

Vinegar: True, that cage will come down, and the only way to win will be to score a knockout, Last Man Standing style.

Mitchell: The following is a KILLER KAIJU CAGE match for the GIW.COM Title! Introducing first, the challenger…

“Cyanide Sweet Tooth Suicide” and strobe lights fall over the crowd. She walks down the ramp with purpose, sly smile on her face. She leaps up onto the apron and throws devil horns to the crowd before turning and flipping in over the top rope. She inspects the strange little world that surrounds her while doing her stretches.

Vinegar: Chassie Fear has been playing mind games with Moss for over a month now, and now it’s all coming to a head.

Hanson: And the people of Tiny Tokyo get a front row seat!

Mitchell: Weighing in at 120 pounds, and representing the Covenant, she is The DARK ROSE! CHASSIIIIIIIIEEEE FEEEEAAAR!

The strobe effect dies down as Chassie fixes her elbow pads. “I Turn My Camera On” hits to a huge pop and Moss Edwards steps out onto the entrance, belt slung over his shoulder. He takes a few steps down the ramp, and pyro shoots off as he holds the belt into the air. He walks down the aisle, eyes focused on Chassie. He walks around the side of the ring and drops off the belt by Old Man Hermit’s table and walks up the steps into the ring.

Mitchell: And her opponent, from Hollywood California, weighing in at 180 pounds, he is the GIW.Com Champion! THE AUTEUR! MOOOOOOSSS EEEEDWAAARDSSS!

Vinegar: This match was devised by The Auteur in homage to the Japanese monster films. And now that domed cage comes down. Once it’s latched into place, that is it, there’s no one getting in or out.

Hanson: Imagine being trapped in a cage with Senior Official Glenn Burke.

Vinegar: True, not my first choice in companion, but he is ready to call for the bell and this grudge match is ready to get underway! Lock up in the middle of the ring, Chassie quick to apply the hammerlock. Moss rolls through to get his arm straight again, he pulls in Chassie for a short arm clothesline. Chassie ducks and jumps up into crucifix position, Samoan Drop!

Hanson: Chassie on her back, staring straight into the Toshin Preparatory school, that’s where Mrs. Badcrumble teaches English to the children of Japan to get them ready to exist in the global economy. Suzuki and Miyashi sit in the back row of the room and pass notes back and forth, but they’re really good kids.

Vinegar: Now he picks her up and is going for a powerbomb, not something he gets to pull out too often. But Chassie responds of course with a rana. Moss prepared for that and he rolls forward to his feet and pushes back to drop the elbow on Chassie before she can get back up. Picking her up to set up a suplex, she blocks it with her leg, and counters it with a European uppercut! Now she goes for the Enziguri, Moss ducks, Chassie lands back on her feet, and hits the Pele Kick! Edwards stumbles backwards, The Dark Rose picks up a building and chucks it the champion’s head!

Hanson: That was the Senju hydrogen station! Now how will Miyashi’s hippie older sister refuel her hybrid car?

Vinegar: That, um, hydrogen station, knocks Edwards back, he against the second rope. Chassie wasting no time, charging knee to the face of the champion! Now pulling him away, snap suplex onto some more buidings.

Hanson: Those aren’t just some more buildings, Nick, that’s the residential district! The Tashiros are homeless now!

Vinegar: Remember, those buildings aren’t just cardboard, they are wood and stone and metal and glass. Front elbow drop to the face of Edwards, now picking him up to whip him into the ropes, Moss rebounds. Fear goes for a big Judo hip toss, Edwards blocks and flips around to try his own, Fear flips forward back onto her feet and spins around to sweep the leg. Back up, Chassie with a kick to the midsection, and butterflies the arms! Going for the Angel’s Wings, but Moss backdrops her onto…

Hanson: The pediatrics wing of the hospital! Where little Michicko is, or maybe I should say was, suffering from muscular dystrophy!

Vinegar: Now Moss steps onto the other part of the, hospital, waiting for Chassie to stand back up, and checking the air for, I guess wind speed? And there’s the Dramatic Effect! Fear taken down by that backflip mule kick.

Hanson: Oh, and her foot’s landed on the day care! Kicking at it doesn’t bring those children back Missy!

Vinegar: Edwards leaping up onto the turnbuckle, again waiting for The Dark Rose to get to her feet. She seems to be taking a moment to check her leg, or something, I can’t quite see.

Hanson: Maybe she’s apologizing to the busy, highly-stressed professional parents of those seven innocent children she just put her foot through.

Vinegar: She’s up, Moss leaps for a Blockbuster. Fear grabs him in midair, CODE BREAKER WITH THAT BUILDING WRAPPED AROUND HER RING! The Champion’s face is covered in dust, mortar, and tiny cuts from that hard stone.

Hanson: And the blood of seven latchkey kids.

Vinegar: That brutal use of the set, Moss rolls onto his back in a daze, Burke starts the count, remember that the only way to win this match is to get a ten-count knock out.

1!



2!



3!

Vinegar: Moss rolling over to his knees to stop the count, and he’s shaking out the cobwebs. The Dark Rose is going for that tower.

Hanson: That’s the Tokyo Tower, the tallest self-supported steel structure, but only until the Tokyo Sky Tree is completed.

Vinegar: She is knocking it over and snapping off a beam!

Hanson: Thus disrupting radio and television broadcast to all of Tiny Tokyo! Jerk!

Vinegar: She drives that steel beam into the bean of The Auteur!

Hanson: Crack that egg!

Vinegar: Moss goes down, and Chassie Fear is right on top of him, stabbing down again and again! No surprise there, Moss is busted open! Now wiping off the steel spike and giving herself a red tear drop.

Hanson: In memory of all of those lost in the Tokyo Tower Restaurant collapse. We will never forget.

Vinegar: She tosses the post off to the side for now, the damage is done. The champion is struggling back to his feet, blood flowing down one side of his face. Snapmare puts him back down, followed by a dropkick to the back of the head! Chassie Fear has taken control of this title bout.

Hanson: And the champion is getting blood all over the industrial complex.

Vinegar: Now The Dark Rose is picking him off the mat, Moss grabs the smokestack off of that factory and cracks it over her head! She staggers back, that’s bought himself some time there.

Hanson: While pushing back production by three months.

Vinegar: Now Edwards taking down Fear with a lariat, or rather knocking her down then catching the back of her head before she gets all the way. Chassie is bent over backwards, that can’t be a comfortable position to be held in.

Hanson: Just ask the girls near the southwest turnbuckle!

Vinegar: Now Moss jumping to pin Fear to the ground with an inverted legdrop bulldog. Now it’s the champion’s turn to go for that tower. He picks it up and brings the whole thing over, slamming it down onto The Dark Rose.

Hanson: Well, there goes the Main Observatory.

Vinegar: Now he kicks her over onto her front. He’s threading her leg through the grates, and now stomping! The challenger’s leg is being violently jammed backwards! A few more stomps for good measure before Edwards wanders back over to the model.

Hanson: Ooo, he’s near the Seigetsu restaurant, wonderful fish there. I hope he tells my favorite chef Toubatsu hello for me.

Vinegar: Well, he must be picking it up to tell it to his face.

Hanson: Toubatsu! NOOO!

Vinegar: Setting it down now in front of Chassie Fear, who still struggles to get her leg untangled from that steel trap.

Hanson: Gently now, gently! Good. That was a close one.

Vinegar: Edwards bounding off the ropes, dropkicks the restaurant into Fear’s face!

Hanson: Toubatsu! NOOOOOOOO!

Vinegar: The challenger trying to fight off Moss’s attempt at picking her back up, but right now she’s fighting on one leg. Drop toe hold, into the Casting Couch! Wrenching back on the neck of Chassie Fear, remember there are no submissions in this match so this is just about wearing her down and causing her pain. She needs to find a way to break the hold.

Hanson: How about that? It seems to be effective.

Vinegar: Chassie reaching back and digging her nails into that laceration on the champ’s forehead! And it is indeed effective, The Tastemaker releases the hold and staggers back towards the corner. Fear is right behind to hit a swinging neckbreaker!

Hanson: And thus they finish off the hospital.

Vinegar: You can see on the back of Edwards what these buildings are capable of. All the scratches and little cuts and welts forming. The Dark Rose lining him up for a suplex, Moss reverses, lifting her up and charging to the post! BOX OFFICE POISON! Bouncing her off the turnbuckle before slamming her down onto…?

Hanson: The post office, where Tenzo was going to be dropping off a package to be delivered to his sick grandma for her birthday, not that it matters since everyone in the hospital was crushed to death.

Vinegar: Burke standing over Chassie to deliver the 10 count.

1!




2!




3!





4!





5!

Vinegar: The challenger grabs onto Burke’s leg to stop the count, and back up to her feet now. Moss coming forward, he’s stopped in his tracks by that savate kick!

Hanson: Bububu boot to the head!

Vinegar: They both collapse to the mat, Chassie kicked with that same leg Moss trapped in that steel tower, and now she’s clutching it, trying to rub some circulation back into it.

Hanson: Too bad they already stomped all over Dr Chen’s office. He’s a master acupuncturist, he’d get that leg working in no time.

Vinegar: Edwards is first to his feet, Chassie is still hobbling, trying to keep weight off that leg for the moment. The champion smirking, asking her if she wants that tower to use as a crutch.

Hanson: That tower full of dead tourists who only wanted to visit the 50,000 fish on display in the Foot Town Aquarium.

Vinegar: Edwards with a chop block. Signaling a two, Chassie to her feet, there’s the second one. Asking the crowd if he should go for three, and this time it looks like he’s going to take a running start. He dives, Chassie manages to dodge it, and is right on top of him, Dragon Sleeper!

Hanson: This is even a little bit more effective than your regular Dragon Sleeper, because she can bend that spine into a stress position with her knee.

Vinegar: So you’re taking a brief break from your insane babbling to actual give color insight?

Hanson: Fine, want some more insight? Moss targeting the leg of Fear is a good strategy, because many of her strongest offensive moves involve knee strikes.

Vinegar: Anything else?

Hanson: Moss’s flailing hand just smashed the pet store.

Vinegar: Alright, thanks for that, Daniel. Moss has managed to get his legs out from underneath him.

Hanson: Relieving some of that pressure being caused to his back.

Vinegar: He’s trying to regain some footing now, Chassie switching it now to a headlock elbow drop, probably familiar to our Japanese fans in attendance as a favorite maneuver of Kenta Kobashi. This gives The Dark Rose a chance to rub some life back into her leg.

Hanson: I can help with that. I picked up some tricks while I was at the parlor there in the left corner, ask for Miss Yao and tell them Hanson-san sent you. No happy endings though, I’m sorry to report.

Vinegar: I’m sure you are. Fear resting in the corner, and while she’s there she decides to take off the top turnbuckle cover.

Hanson: And also to step on the home of Mr and Mrs Yigari, they were just married last year, and hoping to start a family after Mr Yigari got his promotion.

Vinegar: With a full head of steam, here comes Moss, Fear dodging, Moss stops himself and goes up into a headstand before he collides with that exposed steel. Chassie not appreciating his showboating one bit, pulling him out of that headstand into a neckbreaker!

Hanson: And that’s not just any house he broke his neck on, that is the home of The Senzokus, sterling members of their community as well as secret amateur pornographers. And yet, their daughter never goes all the way on a first date, you have to respect that.

Vinegar: Chassie is looking for something on the mat, she has that spike again! She’s stated that she doesn’t care about the title, she just wants to cause pain to the champion, and that spike will definitely accomplish that. She’s bringing that spike down, Moss blocks it with the turnbuckle pad that Fear just herself removed! Now a kick to the midsection, and Moss grabbing the challenger by the hair and charging her into that skyscraper on the other side of the ring!

Hanson: Just when I thought the business district would escape unscathed.

Vinegar: Chassie trying to reverse out of his grasp with a Samoan Drop, but that leg gives out and Moss down to his feet to DDT Chassie onto the remnants of that office building. That’s real glass he just drove her into face first!

Hanson: There goes the boards of directors for every major automative company in Asia.

Vinegar: The Auteur climbing up onto the turnbuckle now, here comes an elbow drop, it misses the mark, and Moss Edwards landing on that pile of glass. Both struggle up to their knees, Moss throwing a punch at Chassie, she responds with a forearm shot. Both competitors up on their knees trading blows back and forth, both are bleeding but neither is giving up ground to the other.

Hanson: Illuminated by the twinkling lights of the business district.

Vinegar: Fear brings a big fist down, driving Moss onto the glass but he grabs her fist the second time and scrapes it along the mat. Now he has ahold of her by the head, he shoves her face first into the Shibuya Big Screen! Explosive sparks shower out onto the mat, that was again to being slammed through a computer monitor, dangerous amounts of electricity to be playing with!

Hanson: Now where we will see the latest advertisements for hot new media and products?

Vinegar: Chassie rolling away, trying to fan off her face. Edwards nursing his hand. Both getting to their feet, Chassie seems to have been galvanized by that shock treatment. She tackles Moss to the mat, and mounts him with a vicious flurry of punches. He manages to push her off, and tries to get back to his feet. Chassie grabs the arms, surfboard applied. I think she has evil intentions, Moss is poised over another of those neon-lighted buildings. CURB STOMP! The champion's head crashes through another explosion of sparks.

Hanson: That was the arcade, Nick. So I see we are targeting the youth again. No wonder we're being shut down back home.

Vinegar: That's not an entirely foregone conclusion yet, Daniel, keep your head up.Glenn Burke to give the count.

1!



2!



3!


4!



5!



6!




7!


Vinegar: Right before the eight count, Edwards manages to push himself back up onto his knees. Fear has searched through the rubble and managed to pull up some sort of steel plate, that must have been part of the base for one of the buildings. She bashes The Auteur upside the head with that thing, it is solid! Laying it down in, she's setting up for the Twilight DDT onto that steel plate right in the center of the ring!

Hanson: This is your brain on drugs, kids.

Vinegar: Edwards elbows that injured leg, Fear releases the hold, Moss hits The Flop! Not enough for a knockout, Chassie is already struggling to her feet. Moss charges the ropes and springboard, CUTTING ROOM! He makes it halfway across the ring to drive the challenger onto that steel plate! Glenn Burke makes the count while The Auteur retreats to the far corner to catch his breath.

1!


2!


3!


4!



5!

6!

Vinegar: Fear gets the shoulder up, you have to hand it to both of these competitors, they are not making this easy for each other! Chassie coming in, going for a Gore like her compatriots in the Covenant are both fond of! The Auteur's thinking fast, he tips over a water tower!

Hanson: Now what will the people drink while they sit in the rubble of their houses not watching TV or listening to radio or playing with their squashed kids?

Vinegar: There was indeed liquid inside that container, looks like it's a little bit thicker than water.

Hanson: Know what's thicker than water? TOO MUCH BWUD!

Vinegar: It certainly has slowed down Chassie. Moss now looking at the crowd, back at Chassie, who at the present moment is trying to wipe that crap out her eyes. He's up on the turnbuckle.

Hanson: Hey buddy, you've tried this twice so far, neither time worked out well.

Vinegar: He leaps up and grabs onto the bars of the Thunderdome cage?

Hanson: Holy shit, he took too many shots to the head, nigga thinks he's Spiderman!

Vinegar: Moss is indeed climbing the, I can't say side because of the rounded shape, but he's climbing the bars, must be looking to get the drop on the challenger. But Chassie is not going to hang around and wait to see what he's up to! She leaps up and starts climbing right behind him!

Hanson: The madness is spreading, quick, does swine flu cause delusions of radiated arachnid kind? Quarantine those niggas!

Vinegar: Well, now Moss is too high up to just drop down, and he's lost his element of surprise on Chassie.

Hanson: So what does he do? He continues climbing up, with the Dark Rose close behind!

Vinegar: They've reached the top of the dome! They are probably 20 feet above the mat! And Chassie swings hard to kick at the back of Edwards! Edwards turns around and kicks back!

Hanson: And now they think they're on American Gladiators. Oh my god.

Vinegar: Close combat high above the mat, both of them kicking, and Chassie is supporting herself with only one hand so she can throw punches and forearm shots! Moss pulls up to score a knee lift! Oh no, Chassie's grip is slipping after that blow!

Hanson: The survivors of the Tiny Tokyo Disaster of 2009 cower in fear as the sun is blotted out by these huge monsters doing battle high above them!

Vinegar: The Dark Rose manages to wrap her legs around the champion's waist before her hand slips, now she is hanging upside down, pulling Moss with her! Now bending up to throw punches, great athleticism from Chassie Fear. She wraps an arm around the back of the champ's head! Cruel intentions in the mind of Fear!

Hanson: I love that movie! Girls kissing!

Vinegar: Moss punching up to break the hold, he grabs onto Chassie...

Hanson: OH MY FUCKING GOD!

Vinegar: TWIST ENDING! MOSS EDWARDS AND CHASSIE FEAR ARE PLUMMETING TO THE EARTH FROM TWENTY FEET!

Crowd: HOLY SHIT! HOLY SHIT! HOLY SHIT!

Vinegar: Both of them lay motionless in the middle of the ring, Burke has no choice but to start the count on both.

1!



2!



3!


Vinegar: Two competitors, broken and bloody.

Hanson: The definition of a deathmatch, welcome to Japan Nick!

4!



5!


6!

Vinegar: I can't help but be reminded of the tumble that started this whole mess.

Hanson: Alright, you know what, let me say something to all those tightasses who are getting on our cases about violence and whatnot.

7!

Hanson: We have people out on the streets beating the absolute shit out of each other, hell, shooting and stabbing one another. So these two, rather than go outside and pound each other into paste, they agreed to come here and settle their differences in a structured environment, with the rules and risks clearly defined.

8!

Hanson: These are professionals, this is what they do! If you take this away from them, what do they have? Nothing! We have nothing! Trust me!

9!

Hanson: Trust me.

Vinegar: Edwards gets a shoulder up! Edwards gets a shoulder up!

10!

Mitchell: Your winner, and still GIW.COM CHAMPION, MOOOOSSSSSS EDWAAAARDS!

The cage is unlatched and hydraulics lift it high above the crowd. Grace Harding struts down to ring and retrieves the GIW.Com Belt to bring in to her employer and helps him to his feet.

Vinegar: Moss Edwards has retained his title belt! He gave Chassie Fear the fight she was asking for and proved what that title really means to him. Time will tell where they go, where we all go, from here.

Hanson: I tell you where we're going. I'm going to the john, those two are going to see Dr Bling, you're going to throw to some distraction, I'm going to come back and forget any of this even happened, and we're going to see Toby and Zeke try to set each other on fire.

Moss Edwards: 9

Chassie Fear: 4

[T-Robosaurus Rex]

Hanson: Do I have to watch this next match?

Vinegar: Unless you want to be replaced again.

Hanson: Fine, I’ll watch it but with Ezekiel and Mary-Ho’s Pet in it I’m not going to enjoy it. Hey, look they already have an ambulance on stand by. Poor poor Toby.

Dennis: Ladies and gentlemen the follow contest is schedule as a Towering Inferno match! The rules are as follows. To the right of the entrance ramp is a three story steel structure nine feet deep and 27 feet long. On one end of the first floor is a door. On the other a ladder leading to the second story. From there a ladder to the third story awaits our competitors at the far end. Then one more floor with another ladder leading to the roof. Each floor is divided into three sections, and starting at the door on the first floor every 90 seconds one section will become engulfed in fire. You win by pin, submission, or incapacitating your opponent so they cannot answer the referees ten count.

Vinegar: You clear on all that?

Hanson: Does yo momma blow polar bears?

Dennis: Introducing first. Standing five foot ten inches, weighing in at 170 pounds, he is the Red Eyed Wonder, he is Ezekiel!

The opening lyrics to 'No Other Place' by Hollywood Undead hits the speakers. 'No Other Place I'd Rather Be Than Los Angeles' but before the 'shake it, baby' part hits, static hits the speakers like someone changed a radio station and then 'Coming Undone' by Korn bursts onto the speakers as cracks begin to fill up the GlobaTron rather slowly. After 1 minutes 16 seconds into the song, the first chorus ends and again the static hits like radio station change as the cracks fill up. A few blurts of noise are heard like someone is trying to find a good song. The cracks have almost filled the screen as a guitar melody begins across the PA System. After about 20 seconds, there is a brief pause followed by Leigh Kakaty screaming 'YEAH!' as 'Hero' by Pop Evil begins to plays. Ezekiel makes his way out on the ramp and walks towards the Towering Inferno, scanning the structure as the fans go wild. He doesn’t hesitate as he marches in through the front door before turning to the crowd.

Hanson: Very specific entrance from Ezekiel.

Vinegar: Probably not the best time, or the best form, but Jesus what can anyone do?

Hanson: Better than simply walking to the ring like almost everyone else though, huh.

Vinegar: I’ll give ya that.

Dennis: And his opponent standing six foot nine inches, weighing in at 293 pounds, he is Tomorrows Main Event, he is Tobias Erndhart!

The fans, even the Japanese fans, give almost no reaction as Shinedowns ‘Sound of Madness’ hits the speakers.

Hanson: I hate this song.

Vinegar: I think I see a few people standing up to get something to eat.

As the song continues the Globotron flickers on to show the steel door of a walk in refrigerator shut and locked. An incredible amount of pounding can be heard from the other side as The Crimson Ghost walks into the frame listening to familiar bitchy tone of Tobias Erndhart.

*KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK!!!*

Tobias: HELP! Someone, anyone!

*KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK!!!*

The Crimson Ghost looks to his left then his right as Tobias continues beating on the door. The Crimson Ghost responds by knocking on the door himself.

*knock knock*

Tobias: Oh thank god. Hey, man open this door.

*knock knock*

Tobias: What the hell man, open this fucking door!

*knock knock*

Tobias: Who’s there! When I find you I’m going to rip your kidneys out your ass and feed them to your mother! Now who’s there!

The Crimson Ghost: Banana.

The Globotron flickers off as Ezekiel stands in the structure with a bewildered look on his face and a silent crowd. Then the familiar flick and pop of a Zippo and Red Bull coming to life causes the fans to erupt as Chevelles ‘Wonder What’s Next’ roar into the airwaves. Before to long in full gear BoolZ steps out to ballistic fans and locks eyes with a more than eager Ezekiel.

Hanson: And just when I thought it couldn’t get any worse.

Vinegar: I don’t know. I think these fans would disagree.

Hanson: Japanese fans, American fans, fans is fans, and they’re all dumb!

Vinegar: BoolZ finishing his Red Bull as he walks into the structure, Owen Peterson shuts and locks the door, and we’re underway with that High Beam from Zeke taking RBI off his feet!

Hanson: Uhm, how is Owen going to count BoolZ’s shoulders down if he’s outside?

Vinegar: Good question, but a better one might be will it even matter if Ezekiel continues the ground and pound on BoolZ in the corner of that cage!

Hanson: Yeah this part is pretty nice. Zeke standing now and stomping away on FoolZ.

Vinegar: Ezekiel pulling BoolZ up now and ramming his head into the cage wall before scraping it back and forth.

Hanson: YEAH! MAKE HIM BLEED!

Vinegar: BoolZ now up though ties up one of Ezekiel’s legs, leg trip, Zeke rolls back, and to his feet, TUMBLEWEED knocking Zeke back.

Hanson: Eh, still BoolZ is dripping like a stuck pig!

Vinegar: BoolZ follows after Ezekiel into the second section as the first bursts into flames. I think it’s clear if either want to be able to wrestle again they have to keep moving.

Hanson: BoolZ nearing Ezekiel, Zeke hops up, holds onto the cage above him, hurricanrana!

Vinegar: BoolZ rolls through, on his feet, behind Zeke, belly to belly suplex, no the just send the Red Eyed Wonder skull first into the top of that cage before landing a reverse spine buster!

Hanson: I wonder how my Gabby is getting read for her big match.

Vinegar: BoolZ up, he’s got Ezekiel by the hair, places a knee at the base of Zeke’s neck, modified curbstomp, by Ezekiel counters with a leg trip of his own, followed by a standing shooting star press!

Hanson: Oh the match got good again. Kick his junky ass Ezekiel!

Vinegar: Ezekiel with BoolZ, irish whip into the third section and right into that ladder. HIGH BEAMS again!

Hanson: Ha, and the STD’s got no where to go while the next chamber burns.

Vinegar: Ezekiel repeatedly ramming the back of BoolZ’s head into those ladder rungs, and BoolZ has no choice to slouch down.

Hanson: Zeke taking a few steps back, runs, FORE! And again BoolZ has nowhere to go!

Vinegar: Ezekiel I think is looking at the last two pieces of the cage, and has decided to climb the ladder to the second floor.

Hanson: Yeah, while using BoolZ’s head as the first step. When did I become a fan of this guy?

Vinegar: I’m not sure, but now BoolZ giving chase.

Hanson: HIGH BEAMS to a BoolZ only half way through the opening and he goes crashing to the bottom! Burn him burn him burn him!

Vinegar: Ezekiel seems content right now just to crouch and watch from above. BoolZ slowly begins climbing that ladder, HIGHBEAMS, NO BOOLZ DROPS DOWN TO THE BOTTOM AND ZEKE EATS THAT LADDER!

Hanson: Come on, burst into flames, burst into flames, burst into flames!

Vinegar: And BoolZ back up the ladder and out of the third section just as it ignites. Both men now on the second floor!

Hanson: Damnit.

Vinegar: Ezekiel pulling himself out of that ladder, turns, snapmare by BoolZ, he keeps a hold of that hair, and now unloads with a series of kicks to the back of the neck of Zeke!

Hanson: Think Peterson’ll listen if I tell him to dq FoolZ?

Vinegar: No.

Hanson: What if I said it proper?

Vinegar: And now BoolZ taking a moment for the fans.

Hanson: Dummy. Zeke back up, BoolZ turns, right from Zeke, right from BoolZ, right from Zeke, Ezekiel catches on from BoolZ, and turns it into a Sequel! BoolZ is down again.

Vinegar: Ezekiel with a hold of the top of the cage again, pulls himself up, and lands a falling elbow to the fallen BoolZ.

Hanson: HA, has been should have stayed retired or whatever and trained MJ’s Whore.

Vinegar: Zeke pulling BoolZ up, Arm wringer, short armed Guillotine, BoolZ ducks, go behind, raises his knee to the back of Ezekiel’s head, pulls back, and falls to his back in a modified kind of elevated Back Stabber! The momentum carries Zeke right into the next section.

Hanson: Alright, match starting to suck again. Come get me when Zeke is beating up FoolZ again.

Vinegar: BoolZ waiting for Zeke to get back to his feet. He’s measuring him, Ezekiel up, BoolZ with a running start, wide open NOFLYZONE out of the now burning segment!

Hanson: See moves like that are all flash. Are you really telling me a simple body block would have less effect.

Vinegar: Less effect on these fans probably, yes I am saying it.

Hanson: Stupid flippy crap. C’MON EZEKIEL!

Vinegar: BoolZ with a hand full of hair, Ezekiel with a low blow, doubles over RBI, pulls him in, Jerry Does it Better Cradle Piledriver!

Hanson: YEAH, see stupid flippy crap. Ezekiel back in charge now, and I think he’s going to keep it that way with the way he’s bouncing FoolZ’s head off the floor of that cage.

Vinegar: Ezekiel laying into BoolZ with those head smashes, rights and lefts, and now blatant chokes.

Hanson: And I’d like to point out that Ezekiel doesn’t have to choke BoolZ, but I imagine it’s just so much fun.

Vinegar: Ezekiel now pulling back, letting BoolZ to his feet, BoolZ is up, Decapitation kick and now it’s BoolZ who’s flopping into the last section of the second floor.

Hanson: No, now it’s Iron Man who’s measuring FoolZ. FoolZ uses the ladder to get back to his feet, Zeke with the momentum, launches himself as the middle of the cage erupts, MISSLE KNEE IN TO THE LADDER AGAIN.

Vinegar: NO, BoolZ moves, and the Red Eyed Wonder is hung up on the ladder. Zeke I guess went to pay homage to his tag team partner Marek Diasuke, and now BoolZ is making him just flat out pay.

Hanson: Well yeah, cause that’s what dirty fighters do. BoolZ now that Ezekiel is tied to that kind of tree of woe is taking every chance to kick, stomp, and choke with his boot the falling Ezekiel.

Vinegar: BoolZ pulling Zeke up with his leg still stuck in the ladder, and falls back with a reverse ddt! Ezekiel is in a bad sort here, he has got to get that leg free before BoolZ does anymore damage to the knee. BoolZ bending that leg across the ladder, really pulling back, and applying the pressure.

Hanson: Dirty, why don’t he just let Ezekiel get untangled so he can defend himself?

Vinegar: Well partner I think you’re going to get your wish. BoolZ now using Ezekiel as part of the ladder, and he climbs to the third story.

Hanson: See finally. Ezekiel struggles but manages to free himself, favoring that right leg, but now he’s joining BoolZ on the third story.

Vinegar: BoolZ approaches as Zeke gets to his feet, right hand from BoolZ, nothing from Ezekiel, another right hand by BoolZ, countered!

Hanson: Vertigo! That gorgeous spinning unprettier, and BoolZ is down!

Vinegar: Iron Man behind BoolZ, and pressing his face into the mesh of that steel cage with the back of his foot! OH GOD THE FLOOR BELOW THEM JUST EXPLODED!

Hanson: HA feel the burn BoolZy, feel the burn!

Vinegar: BoolZ manages to off balance Ezekiel long enough to pull his face from the fire, but Zeke isn’t willing to relent just yet as he picks his spots, and starts to lay in with those mounted punches!

Hanson: What? Didn’t he here me call FoolZ a dummy for pandering to these stupid fans? Ezekiel stands up, walks into the next corridor, and starts taunting for these people. Yeah instead of telling us you’re gonna slit his throat, just go slit his throat!

Vinegar: BoolZ stirring, following Zeke into the next room, by Ezekiel…

Hanson: HA brilliant! Zeke-y-boy’s just gonna keep kicking him back until that section burns him alive!

Vinegar: Another kick knocks BoolZ back, he’s up, and another kick knocks him back.

Hanson: You can almost see the panic in his eyes now! This is great!

Vinegar: BoolZ charges with everything he’s got, SIMPLY PUT superkick as the last section ignites!

Hanson: Ah damnit! BoolZ’s momentum carries himself and Zeke clear of the blast, but at least FoolZ looks out cold!

Vinegar: He took all of that super kick, but really what else could he do?

Hanson: He could have burned. You know fire cleanses so that probably would have gotten rid of that itch of his.

Vinegar: Ezekiel taking the chance, here’s a cover…

Peterson: …

Hanson: Where’s the count?

Vinegar: Owen Peterson was locked out of the cage! He’s out of position!

Hanson: This is a travesty! The Red Eyed Wonder up now, and he’s screaming from that cage down to Peterson. I guess this means pin falls are out of it now.

Vinegar: He shouldn’t have taken his eyes off of BoolZ. Zeke turns to continue the attack and takes a hard Fluidity that knocks him back into the cage wall. BoolZ back up, and now ping ponging Iron Man from one wall to the next, he’s behind Zeke, standing neck breaker, and now BoolZ crawls into the third and final section of this structure.

Hanson: Yeah I bet now he’s gonna bite off of Ezekiel’s genius idea off keeping his opponent in the fire.

Vinegar: I don’t think so. BoolZ using the ladder for support, and Ezekiel back to his feet. Groggy, but Zeke walks from that last section no sooner than it burst into flames!

Hanson: You know what a lot of people might not realize but they’re basically fighting in an oven. That kinda heat, from the first to floors and most of the third completely engulfed just drains the energy out of you.

Vinegar: BoolZ uses the ladder to sling shot himself up, low drop kick takes Ezekiel’s legs from under him, and he hit that ladder hard!

Hanson: Sneaky bastard. Why do these people cheer the Red Bull Idiot?

Vinegar: BoolZ up the ladder, and down with a hard elbow drop to the prone Ezekiel. BoolZ positioning Iron Man’s head between second and third rungs, he pulls himself up with the cage, and drops a big leg drop to the back of Zeke’s neck. That’s a guillotine!

Hanson: That’s bullshit! Ezekiel writhing in pain, and now BoolZ is trying to climb the ladder again so he can probably take a nap or something on the roof.

Vinegar: He doesn’t get far as Ezekiel pulls him back down, and smashes his face into the steel steps of that ladder.

Hanson: HA, and a again! And now it’s Ezekiel scrambling up that ladder, and Ezekiel on the roof.

Vinegar: BoolZ hops up, grabs the roof, and is pulling himself up.

Hanson: Running baseball slide!

Vinegar: BoolZ drops down to avoid contact, then back up, as the whole cage now is on fire!

Hanson: HA, and so is he!

Vinegar: BoolZ now trying all he can to put out the fire that’s encompassing his legs and burning his tights…

Hanson: Coup De Grace! But they’re no ref to count! Damnit!

Vinegar: I don’t think he needs a referee. Ezekiel pulling BoolZ to the edge of that Towering Inferno. I think he’s going to throw him off!

Hanson: Hey, didn’t BoolZ take a 30 foot fall to lose the last match we’ve seen him in. What like two months ago?

Vinegar: Well that match was called a no decision, but yeah. Why?

Hanson: I smell a gimmick change coming up! And burnt body lice!

Vinegar: You do not. Ezekiel jumps, hurricanrana over the edge, BoolZ counters with a push up, Zeke lands on his feed, DISCOMBOOLZALATOR!

Hanson: Yeah, but there’s no ref!

Vinegar: Iron Man is down, and BoolZ now taking the moment to relieve himself of his smoldering boots, and now standing barefoot!

Hanson: Ezekiel getting back up, and those two now slugging it out. Rights and lefts and rights neither man willing to give an edge.

Vinegar: BoolZ counters with a wrap around, Zeke turns and recounters with his own, BoolZ turns right into Seriously Spiked!

Hanson: Now roll him over the edge!

Vinegar: Ezekiel creating some space. He’s letting BoolZ up.

Hanson: He’s going to the High Beams. He’s gonna blast that infected bastard right outta my life for good now!

Vinegar: BoolZ to his feet slowly, Ezekiel charges, and right into a knee from BoolZ! The momentum almost carried both men off the ledge!

Hanson: I’m starting to think that’s wishful thinking.

Vinegar: CATACLYSM! BoolZ hit Tobias Erndhart’s finisher, and dumps Ezekiel behind him, and over the edge!

Hanson: God damnit! BoolZ is left on top of the Towering Inferno, and Ezekiel just fell thirty feet onto that waiting ambulance. OH OH OH now Own decides to do something!

Peterson: 1, 2, 3…

Vinegar: BoolZ looks in shock from the top of the cage.

Peterson: 4, 5, 6…

Hanson: Ezekiel could be destroyed after that fall. Look at the damage he did to that ambulance. He’s completely caved in the roof.

Peterson: 7, 8, 9... 10!!!

Vinegar: And that’s it! BoolZ has won this match.

Hanson: Is BoolZ even allowed to wrestle?

Dennis: Ladies and gentlemen here is your winner, the Red Bull Icon, BOOLZ!

Vinegar: Allowed or not, he did, and these fans loved it!

Tobias/BoolZ : 7

Ezekiel: 5

[T-Robosaurus Rex]

Vinegar: So far we’ve seen the competitors who’ve lined up go through hell for your viewing pleasure today, and we’re not even half way through the show.

Hanson: And it’s about to start getting interesting, no more Red Bull addled junkies, no more deluded Space cadets, no more atrocious film makers, we’ve got Chinatsu coming up in this next match, then we got the Lord Chief of GIW, followed by a handy toilet break when the Rainbow Dragon takes on Crimson ghosts ‘darker side, and then the main event, Gabby AND Travis....No Holds barred: Rising Sun has only JUST got started....

Vinegar: And next we have the ‘Climb of Faith’ Match, a new match here in GIW and the world from what I know, but I presume it has something to do with scaffolding...

Hanson: And why on earth would you presume that?

Vinegar: Because for the past 20 minutes the ring crew have been erecting a scaffold tower over near the GlobaTron, out of view of the camera’s....you may have been too caught up in the Towering Inferno match to have noticed...

Hanson: Oh is that what they are doing? I thought Boss penguin was gonna attempt to fly, I say thought, I mean hoped obviously. My god thats one crazily high structure, is about 40 foot, even higher than the Towering Inferno structure, I have a feeling Zeke ain’t the only one taking a fall tonight...how many platforms are their?

Vinegar: Five, each about 8 feet above the other....and the thing about Scaffolding is it’s not the most stable platform to work on, especially when you’ve got four guys beating the hell out of one another on top of it. This ones gonna be dangerous that’s for sure...

Hanson: This can’t be a straightforward Scaffold Match, it’s called a ‘Climb of Faith’ match...

Vinegar: Straightforward? I’m not sure I’ve ever seen a five platform, 40 foot scaffold match in my life...but it does seem there is a ladder on the top platform....and, yes, yes, that looks like the GIW Tag Team Championship belts hanging above that fifth platform...looks like someones gonna have to have faith if they wanna claim those babies...

Hanson: What? So they have to get to the top...and then climb another ladder to grab the titles? It’s basically a ridiculously dangerous ladder match then?

Vinegar: Welcome to Japan!

Hanson: Last time I was here I got herpes...What?....Huh?....I didn’t say anything...

Vinegar: Whilst my colleague tries to take back that unsurprising statement, let’s go over to Mitchell Dennis, for the introductions.

Dennis: Ladies and Gentlemen, the next match is for the GIW Tag Team Championship Match, and is a Climb of Faith Match. Both teams will start the match inside the ring, they must then attempt to retrieve the GIW Tag Team Championship belts from atop the ‘Structure of Faith’...

Hanson: The wobbly scaffold...

Dennis: Using any means necessary. But to win the match, they must return the titles to the ground...

Vinegar: So not only do they have to get those titles from the top, they have to get them down again...

Dennis: The winners will be the team in possession of the GIW Tag Team Titles when they reach the floor...

Hanson: This is going to go wrong...kinda makes me wish Komosube was in the match rather than Chen....

Vinegar: I certainly have a sinking feeling in the bottom of my stomach....although I don’t think they could have planned this match with Komosube’s enormous frame placed into the equation...

Hanson: Good point, and I can’t imagine any of our ref’s wanting to wait below the structure to get flattened by his falling mass...

"Warmageddon" by Soulfly creeps into existence and the fans immediately start to boo.

Dennis: And introducing first, the challengers, at a combined weight of 597lbs, RAAAENIUUS AND DIIIIRGE...THE COOOOOOOVENAAAAAANT!!!

Vinegar: Both men coming out to Raenius’ music, I guess due to the fact it’s the most recognisable given Dirge’s brief time here in GIW...and this is The Covenant’s last chance at glory tonight in Japan, their hopes of Chassie becoming the next GIW.com title were destroyed inside the Killer Kaiju Cage earlier tonight...

Hanson: She’ll be back though, you really think that match has done anything but make that woman more unpredictable than she already is?

Vinegar: Probably not, but I’m sure both Dirge and Raenius are determined to focus on this match, rather than the earlier disappointment for them...and this is Raenius’ second attempt at winning those Tag Titles...

Hanson: I bet he’s excited...but we’ll never know due to that mask of his...it makes that dude so hard to read, I doubt anyone ever really knows what’s going through his mind...

Vinegar: I imagine only a sick and disturbed person would actually want to.

Hanson: Good point, it’s probably full of dead babies and unspeakable acts with animals...speaking of which I caught BoolZ sneaking out of a Japanese Sex Club...I knew he had to pay for it...

Vinegar: and what were you doing there...

Hanson: ummm...Just happened to be passing by, got a good luck gift for Chinatsu...

Vinegar: Really? And what was it...

Hanson:...Errr....A Butt Plug....

Vinegar: I can only imagine how that went down...

Hanson: Not too well, so I left it outside Gabby’s room instead, I’m sure she’ll appreciate it...

Vinegar: there seems to be some kind of commotion from within the crowd...a platform has risen up from one of the aisles, and standing upon it, with all their equipment are Maximum the Hormone...

Hanson: Who?

Vinegar: The Japanese group responsible for this year’s No Holds Barred theme tune. And the crowd around them are going wild, as they prepare to play...

Maximum The Hormone stand proud as the lights dim and the Japanese Flag appears on the GlobaTron, and as the band launch into the opening chord of their own manic cover of Judas Priests ‘Monsters of Rock’, a nuclear explosion goes off in the middle of the GlobaTron, complete with the flag burning away, before a line of Japanese Symbols appears on the screen, and are soon translated into English, and they read: HIROSHIMA.

It started many years ago out of the black country,
The seed became the embryo for all on earth to see,
Like stealth the word spread mouth to mouth all corners of the land,
And soon the thing began to grow and get right out of hand

Hanson: Should have gone with Ken Kunihiro....

Vinegar: Who?

Hanson: TOO MWUCH BWOOD, IN MY BATHAROOM, TOO MUCH BWUD, TOO MUCH BWUUUUUUD!!! HE WASHY HIS HANDS, OBER AND OBER, OBER AND OBER....

Vinegar: Will you shut up, I’m trying to enjoy the attempts of a J-Rock band covering Judas Priest...

Hanson: I guess it should be pretty funny...

Dennis: And introducing next, the GIW TAG TEAM CHAAAAAAMPIONS, ARAGATO AND CHINATSU CHEN....HIIIIIIIROOOOOOOOSHIIIIIIIMAAAAAAA!!!!

Monster, Monster of Rock,
They could never bind it, it vowed to reach to the top, oh
Monster, monster of rock,
They could never bind it, impossible to stop,
Monster of Rock.

[/b]

Hanson: Monster of wok?

Vinegar: Offend an entire country why don’t you...

The entire crowd erupts as Hiroshima appear on the stage, and both glance up at the structure towering to their left.

Vinegar: Hiroshima being shown a lot of support here...

Hanson: Hardly surprising is it?

Vinegar: i guess not, but given the entrance they have put on I think they’ve pumped the crowd up more than expected before the match, this may be a really intelligent move, those fans could act like a third man on their team...

Hanson: What? The fans are allowed to get involved?

Vinegar: I was speaking metaphorically...

Hanson: YO MOMMA SPEAKS METAPHORICALLY!

Vinegar: I wonder how many times you’re going to mention my momma tonight?

Hanson: Honestly, I couldn’t tell you.

Vinegar: Well thankfully we have all four men inside the ring, and remember there are no tag rules in this match, the first team to have a member retrieve the Tag Titles hanging way above that structure and return them to the ground will win this match...

Hanson: if they don’t all die first...honestly I’m amazed we haven’t had a death yet tonight, I was hoping Killswitch might make his return and get mauled by a rabid Panda...

Vinegar: That’s China...

Hanson: What?

Vinegar: Panda’s, they’re from China, not Japan...

Hanson: Like we couldn’t have imported one?

Vinegar: For a wrestling match, they’re an endangered species, I would imagine we’d have problems. And I’m not too sure Panda’s do much mauling and killing...

Hanson: Pfft! We’re having a Valhalla Burial Match tonight, if GIW has worked out a way of recreating what is basically a sea burial inland, causing a Panda to get irritated enough with Killswitch enough to kill him should be child’s play..

Vinegar: True, but Glenn burke has signalled for the bell, and we may about to witness genius, or an all time fail to remember.

Hanson: My money is on fail, everytime...

Vinegar: And Aragato wasting no time, and goesd straight for the bigger member of the Covenant, Dirge, hitting him with a Knee Facebreaker, but Dirge only falls to his knee’s...

Hanson: And Chinastu springs into action and hits Dirge with a Shining Wizard that takes him to the canvas...

Vinegar: But whilst Hiroshima double team Dirge, Raenius is already sliding out of the ring, making his way for the scaffold...but Aragato has caught sight of him and hits a Spinning Wheel Kick over the top rope, and takes Raenius down to the concrete floor of the Tokyo Dome...this ones started at quite a pace...and the fans love it...

Hanson: But Aragato has left Chinastu with Dirge, and despite the Oriental Firecrackers earlier assault, The Nevada Nightmare is still too fresh and strong for my beloved, and he forces her to the ground with a thundering clothesline...

Vinegar: Aragato is aware of Chinatsu [predicament, and he throws Raenius back in the ring and then slides in after him, as Chinatsu stand’s he grabs her arm and irish whips her towards Dirge, and Chinastu leaps, hitting the Nevada Nightmare with a flying forearm that rocks him backwards, and Aragato springs up...Bell Enzurgi...ten swift kicks to Dirge’s skull...followed by Huricanrana, that sends Dirge into the canvas headfirst...

Hanson: Chinsatsu now in a striking battle with Raenius, and doing a remarkably good job against the Masked Masochist...

Vinegar: But finally succumbing as Raenius hits her with a quick uppercut, sending her staggering against the ropes, and the Resident Evil manages to duck another Spinning Wheel kick from Aragato who flies over the ropes and smashes into the guard rail with some force...

Hanson: Raenius now throws Chinatsu against the ropes, and into the path of the rising Dirge, who grabs her and throws her to the ground with a crushing Spinebuster...my poor Chinatsu’s bones could be crushed...

Vinegar: Aragato still on the outside, as Raenius starts to climb the ropes, and Dirge puts her head between his legs...and hoists her into the air...

Hanson: Aragato is fumbling about underneath the ring, COME ON SAVE CHINATSU...

Vinegar: THAT FIRECRACKER DON’T NEED SAVING! Chinatsu reverses the powerbomb with a huricnaran, leaps to her feet, and before Raenius can adjust, runs up the turnbuckle, hitting him square int he temple with an Enzurugi, that causes him to drop janglies first onto the turnbuckle...

Hanson: And now Aragato’s fumbling becomes clear, he’s got something...is that...a table?

Vinegar: It is...and it’s made out of glass! Aragato sets the table up outside, and Chinatsu and he make eye contact...Chen jumps to the top, and grabs Raenius...DEAR GOD!

Hanson: SUPER PULLING PILEDRIVER TO THE OUTSIDE THROUGH A GLASS TABLE!!!

Vinegar: We’re never going home are we? We’re never getting another TV deal in our lifetimes...

Hanson: We’re not even remotely close to the scaffold yet.

Vinegar: And already there is complete carnage, I don’t think Chen thought that through to well, as she seem’s to have come offpretty bad herself, look at the gashes on her legs...both of them went through that table...

Hanson: Raenius isn’t looking too peachy either, blood slowly seeping through his amsk...through those eye sockets from his skull...that’s creepy...

Vinegar: Aragato helping Chen up and now walking her up the ramp, as Dirge heaves Raenisu up and starts to follow...

Hanson: Now we’re going to see them climb...

Vinegar: I don’t think Chen or Raenius are in any shape to start climbing...Aragato has made it to the foot of the structure, and he looks at Chinatsu who is still clearly in some pain, but she points to the advancing Dirge and Raenius...and insists Aragato start the climb without her...

Hanson: And it looks like Raenius is telling Dirge to do follow and leave him at the foot of the tower, at least I think that’s what he’s saying, the arm motions seem to symbolise that...

Vinegar: So now Chinatsu and Raenius are both recovering at the floor of the scaffold as Aragato and Dirge start to climb the fixed ladders, and Aragato is going at some speed, and he’s pulling himself onto the second platform, as Dirge drags himself onto the first...

Hanson: Look at him go, Aragato is almost onto the third platform of the five before Dirge even reaches the second ladder...seriously Chinstasu may not even have t risk her life, all Aaragato has gotto do is keep going...

Vinegar: That’s only half the challenge, he’s got to get back down with those titles, and that involves coming through ‘The Momentum Killer’. The Covenant don’t even need to get to the top of the structure, they can jsut lay in wait...

Hanson: hang on...Aragato has stopped up on that third platform...what’s he waiting for, theirs two more sections you crazy fool...

Vinegar: He’s seens oemthing...what the hell? How did that get there? Aaragato’s Harness of Kendo Sticks is hanging from one of the scaffold poles...and he’s grabbed hold of it and slung it over his back...and turns and awaits Dirge...

Hanson: He should just keep climbing...

Vinegar: he has a chance to take Dirge out of the equation here, you better be sure he’s gonna take it...Dirge finally coming up that third ladder, and onto the platform...

Hanson: Dirge gets to his feet...

Vinegar: OBSIDIAN SCOURGE!!!

Hanson: Aragato reaches back...20 brutal and quick hits with twenty different Kendo sticks...and here comes number 21 as Dirge falls to his knee’s on the edge of the platform...Aragato pulls up the dark, solid, nearly unbreakable Kendo stick...and lowers it swiftly on Dirges Head....21 Deaths!

Vinegar: And Dirge is going over, blinded and repeatedly smashed in the skull, he’s busted open and he rocks backwards over the edge...and grabs out...

Hanson: HOLY MOTHER OF JOSEPH!!!!

Vinegar: DIRGE AND ARAGATO GO TUMBLING OFF THE THIRD LEVEL OF THE SCAFFOLD...THAT’S 24 FEET IN THE AIR!!!

Hanson: My god...how can any of them get up there now...

Vinegar: Well Raenius, seeing his partner slam into the entranceway at some velocity, has dragged hi8mself to his feet and is now pulling himself up the first ladder...

Hanson: And Chinatsu putting weight on those bleeding legs, they’ve been shredded by that table, and it looks like she’s in immense pain walking...the last time I saw her like that was after a night riding the Hanson train...

Vinegar:Really?

Hanson: No...but a man can dream, besides that’s the only reason I want to see my Porcelain Princess walking in pain...

Vinegar: Well she’s defying the pain to grab the ladder herself and start pursuing Raenius...

Hanson: Don’t go there Chinatsu, the titles aren’t worth your paralysis, if she falls, she could well die...no-one wants to see that....

Vinegar: She has too much pride and honour to just watch Raenius climb up there and win the match, and take the title...and she’s not far behind as both competitors painfully climb that ladder, Raenius rolling onto the platform, and he turns and strikes the advancing Chen three times in the face, and she loses her grip....

Hanson: but manages to grab on a few rungs down, and start climbing again...

Vinegar: But Raenius has bought himself a little distance, and starts to climb that second ladder...

Hanson: Chen rolling onto the first platform and she’s in pain, she clutches her legs, as she pursues Raenius who is nearly on the second platform now...

Vinegar: But there is some activity at the foot of the Structure, I don’t believe this both Dirge and Aragtao are on their knee’s...and they’re trading punches...

Hanson: As Chen makes it onto the second platform as Raenius starts to climb for the third....

Vinegar: Aragato, ducks a strike from Dirge, as both men now back on their feet, and then he hits Dirge in the knee with a palm stike...which has no affect on Dirge, who just grabs Aragato, spins him round, and then slams him down onto the metal floor of the entranceway with a Full Nelson Slam...and now he’s heading for the ladder himself...

Hanson: Raenius has in this time reached the fourth platform, and it looks like he’s out of gas, as Chinastu wearily starts to climb up toward that platform herself...

Vinegar: Aragato stirs on the outside as Dirge pulls himself to the first platform, catching Dirge’s progress in the corner of his eye he leaps onto his feet, and starts to pursue him...

Hanson: Chinatsu has got to that fourth platform....32 feet in the air...and she gets to her feet and despite the pain charges at Raenius, who is advancing towards that final fixed ladder...but he turns and se’s Chinatsu, and reacts with an armdrag takedown...slamming Chinatsu perilously close to the edge...

Vinegar: Dirge making good progress and advancing on that third platform as Aragato climbs onto the third...

Hanson: Raenius gets to his feet, and looks to pick Chen up by her hair, but she strikes him in the stomach, numerous time, sending him reeling backwards, and thankfully back towards the centre of the ring....

Vinegar: but Raenius grabs her fist on another attempt, and hits her with a vicscious Chokelsam...before heading for the ladder...

Hanson: Chinatsu has a hold of his leg, like the tenacious little fighter she is she won’t let Raenius advance, as Dirge pokes his head over the ledge and stats making his way to that fourth platform...And Chen manages to twist Raenius down to the platform, and she springs to her own feet, and rushes for that final ladder, as Dirge finally makes the fourth platform.

Vinegar: Raenius back up fairly quickly, and now he’s climbing that final fixed ladder, as Chinatsu drgas herself onto that top platform...

Hanson: Closely followed by Raenius, and Dirge isn’t far behind him...CHEN WITH THAT LADDER TO THE FACE OF RAENIUS...

Vinegar: Raenius falling and reaching out his hand to grab hold of the side of that platform, hanging fifty feet in the air...almost knocking Dirge off the ladder, but ‘The Momentum Killer’ holds steady...as Chinatsu stets up the ladder...and starts to climb for the titles...

Hanson: It’s too dangerous...wait for Aragato...he’s got to that last ladder...

Vinegar: To late she starts to drag herself up the Ladder....

Hanson: but Dirge is up now...

Vinegar: Dirge grabs the ladder...and tips it...

Hanson: OH GOD NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!

Vinegar: CHEN FALLING FIFTY FEET!!! WAIT!!!!!

Hanson:KOMOSUBE! KOMOSUBE! I DON’T KNOW WHERE HE CAME FROM BUT AM I GLAD TO SEE THAT FAT FUCKER!!!!

Vinegar: Komosube has made a heroic appearance her at No Holds Barred in this matchup, catching his family member, and saving her from horrific injuries...

Hanson: And he can see Dirge climbing up that ladder, as Aragato finally climbs to the top of the tower...

Vinegar: And Dirge stretches up...and grabs those titles....that’s part one...

Hanson: Raenius has scrambled onto his feet, as Aragato gets to his feet....

Vinegar: Komo puts Chinatsu down...grabs the first ladder...AND STARTS CLIMBING!?!?!?

Hanson: He is a member of Hiroshima...

Vinegar: Aragato may need some help, as Dirge blasts him in the face with what are still Hiroshima’s tag titles...

Hanson: And the fresh Komosube making good work of those ladders for a fat guy, and he’s already approaching that second platform...

Vinegar: Raenius charges at Aragato who is standing incredibly close to the edge of that platform...

Hanson: FULL FRONTAL OFF THE TOP OF THE SCAFFOLD!!

Vinegar: BOTH MEN JUST FELL FIFTY FEET TO THE HARD FLOOR BELOW!

Hanson: Aragato taking the brunt, as he broke Raenius’ fall...but he manages to raise his left hand...and click his fingers?

Vinegar: And the knee Aragato struck with a weak palm earlier on Dirge, just buckles and he screams out in pain...as Aragato’s mystical Exploding Palm hits again...

Hanson: And Komosube is coming over the final ledge, not even pausing to look down at his fallen partner...

Vinegar: I’m not sure this is fair...

Hanson: Would you stop Komosube...

Vinegar: I guess not...and Dirge is still down on one knee and he sees the frame of Komosube hauling itself onto that top rope...

Hanson: Dirge looking at the Japanese Powerhouse, to the titles...and to the floor...there’s no way down, he’s out of options...

Vinegar: JESUS TITTYFUCKING CHRIST! EXCUSE MY LANGUAGE...BUT...DIRGE JUST THREW HIMSELF OFF THE TOP OF THIS FORTY FOOT STRUCTURE!!!

Hanson: OK, there was one way down, but I didn’t expect it...

Dennis: HERE ARE YOUR WINNERS, AND IF THEY ARE STILL ALIVE, NEEEEEEEW G.....I....W....TAG TEAM CHAMPIOOOOOONS.....RAAAAAENIUUUUUS AND DIIIIIIIIRGE, THE COOOOOOOVENANT!!!!!!!

Vinegar: my god,d espite their respective falls, both Dirge and Raenius manage to raise an arm in the air at the sound of Dennis’ announcement...but they can’t be in any fit state to truly enjoy this moment...

Hanson: We’ve always known The Covenant were sick...but that....that was just unfathomable....he threw himself down forty feet...just for those titles...

Vinegar: GIW makes people do crazy things...

Hanson: And we’ve still got more to come, if your easily offended by scenes of a violent nature...have you lost the remote?

The Covenant : 8

Hiroshima: 5

[T-Robosaurus Rex]

Vinegar: Four brutal bone crunching, life changing matches down and now it’s time to determine the Number One Contender for the Unified Global Title.

Hanson: I can’t believe some of the things we’ve seen already tonight. There’s one thing I know I’m going to believe when I see it though.

Vinegar: What’s that?

Hanson: That the true Lord Chief is going to walk out of here one step closer to Immortality.

Vinegar: We’ll have to see about that. On paper the strength and brawling style of the Monster could be the difference maker in this kind of match.

Hanson: Speaking of which, what the hell is a Valhalla Burial match anyway?

Vinegar: I’m glad you asked. I have the details here. As the more observant of you will notice-

Hanson: Hey, where’d the ramp go?

Vinegar: As I was saying, you may have noticed the entrance ramp has been dismantled and replaced with an artificial river leading from the base of the ring to the backstage area.

Hanson: Oh do you think they got the water from Scandinavia?

Vinegar: Seems a little pointless really. Water’s water.

Hanson: Good point.

Vinegar: The key to winning is to place your opponent in the wooden boat you see tethered at the top of the river there and send them floating into the afterlife.

Hanson: You mean backstage?

Vinegar: Yes.

Hanson: What if one goes half way, then throws their opponent in for the rest of the way?

Vinegar: That’d be open to serious exploitation. No to count, your opponent must travel from the top of the river all the way to the bottom.

Hanson: Wait, didn’t Vikings set fire to the boats too?

Vinegar: Yeah but it was decided that the public live cremation of a superstar on pay per view would not be good for our chances of getting our TV deal back.

Hanson: I say to hell with it, let’s just stay here where they appreciate us.

Vinegar: Would you want to se your Lord Chief burnt alive though?

Hanson: Not going to happen Nick, not going to happen.

Divine by Korn starts to play first but the characteristically Japanese crowd remain fairly quiet. Dredd strides out from the back from behind a curtain that would typically be to the side of the entrance ramp. Many of those in the front row look up at him in awe as he stands almost two feet taller than the majority of them.

Dennis: The following contest is a Valhalla Burial match where the winner will be determined by sending their opponent down the river into the afterlife.

Hanson: Did he really say that?

Dennis: It’s on my card.

Dredd looks slightly annoyed at the disruption of his entrance and Dennis carries on.

Dennis: Introducing first, hailing from Deep Ellum, Texas. Weighing in at 385lbs! The Monster Dreeeeeeedd!!!

The crowd applaud politely as Dredd climbs into the ring and gasp as a pyro goes of in time with him raising a fist into the air.

Hanson: Something about this feels appropriate. I mean, Dredd’s probably going to give himself a heart attack by the end of this anyway. May as well give him a warriors funeral.

Dredd’s music cuts out and is replaced Immortal by Adema, heralding the arrival of the Lord of Pain. The crowd reacts almost identically as he walks out, draped in an ornately decorated cloak of distinctively oriental design.

Vinegar: Looks like a wardrobe change from Donovan Hastings. Think he’s going for some cheap crowd support.

Hanson: Of course not, the Lord Chief would never stoop so low. He just had to go shopping when he got here after his usual one was seized alongside the arena.

Hastings poses for a moment, takes a few more steps then kneels, touching his hand into the man made river and dabbing the water to his forehead.

Dennis: And the opponent…

Vinegar: Do you think Owen Peterson is going to come out and do one of his own brand of introductions?

Hanson: No, even I know that jokes worn thin by now.

Dennis: From Hartford Connecticut, weighing in at 230lbs! In Immortal, Donovaaaaaan Hastiiiiings!!!

Hastings climbs up the ring steps and removes his cloak, folding it up and laying under the turnbuckle.

Vinegar: We usually think Hastings is a strong guy but right here he’s giving up a foot in height and 155lbs of weight.

Hanson: Even if he is giving up a whole crowd member in size, we know Hastings can survive in this environment. Or do you forget the I quit match at Affirmative Action?

Vinegar: Going into this kind of environment with Gabrielle and going into it with Dredd are completely different things.

Ding! Ding!

Vinegar: This Number One Contenders contest finally underway. Hastings tries to lock it up but Dredd throws him off. A second attempt and the same result.

Hanson: That’s because Dredd knows he can’t match skill with The Lord Chief.

Vinegar: He doesn’t have to. This is the Monster’s yard, it’s the Lord Chief who has to adapt. To his credit though, he seems to be trying to rethink things here, the two circling now.

Hanson: The Lord Chief is as smart as he is strong, he’ll find a way through this.

Vinegar: Smart? Seriously?

Hanson: The guy managed to get himself a second shot at gaining that title despite losing the semi-finals didn’t he?

Vinegar: Never thought of it that way. Hastings goes for another lock up, no, it was a feint and he stomps a boot into the Monster’s knee and the big man drops onto it. The Immortal following up with a side headlock. Of course no submissions in this match.

Hanson: No but we’ll see how much fight you have left in your when your head’s been crushed like that?

Vinegar: Why’re you making so much sense now?

Hanson: I can’t think of any running jokes to fill up the time.

Vinegar: Dredd pushing himself up and shoves Hastings off. Running off the ropes and he just shoulder blocked a brick wall, Dredd doesn’t move an inch. Hastings off the ropes again and eats a lariat on the rebound.

Polite applause for the show of power by Dredd from the crowd.

Hanson: These fans kind of creep me out.

Vinegar: Me too Dan, me too. Dredd stomping away on the midsection but Hazel East in to separate them. Hastings gets himself back up in the corner. Avalanche from Dredd! Now trying to position Hastings up on the top rope.

Hanson: He can’t be thinking about that yet surely.

Vinegar: It looks like he’s trying. You’re right though, too early for a Concrete Piledriver and Hastings shows him that by shoving him back down to Earth. Missile dropkick as Dredd tries to get to his feet. Back and forth action here from the start.

Hanson: And that’s not good for the Monster. Say what you like about size but you can’t doubt the Lord Chief has the greater cardio and the longer this goes on, the more it’s going to tip in his already great favour.

Vinegar: You know, I quite like this version of you.

Hanson: Don’t get used to it. If I think of a joke I’m going for it.

Vinegar: Hastings dragging Dredd back up to his feet. The Monster fighting back, solid shots to the gut followed with a big body slam and a leg drop across the neck. Dredd looking like he’s taking control here. Getting Hastings back to his feet, backbreaker across the knee and he holds it there, pushing down on the head and legs.

Hanson: As you said before, no submissions but they all take their toll.

Vinegar: Dredd seems to remember that and lets him go. Only to scoop him back up and toss him overhead with the fall away slam. Hastings pushing himself back up but he certainly looks sore.
Hanson: It happens when people have been beating you up.

Vinegar: Well, yes I guess it does. Dredd with a Irish whip and a big shoulder block. If there was any doubt I think Dredd just sent a message that Hastings isn’t going to overpower him. Then drops the elbow across the chest.

Hanson: This is definatly a DHLAOCIASFSOS.

Vinegar: Oh dammit, here we go. I knew it couldn’t last.

Hanson: Just watch.

Vinegar: Dredd heading to the second rope. This could be that big leg drop.

Hanson: The Lord Chief jumps to his feet and clotheslines Dredd out to the arena floor.

Vinegar: Wow.

Hanson: See.

Vinegar: I’m scared. Hastings drops out the floor too as Dredd tries to get up and sends him shoulder first into the barrier. Following up, stomping down on his knees.

Hanson: Now he’s looking around under the ring. What do you think he’ll find?

Vinegar: I doubt we’ll have to wait long to find out. It’s a kendo stick. The Lord of Pain taking that stick to Dredd. Shot after shot, he’s just splintered it to hell. This could be it. He’s dragging him back up and leading him to the boat.

Hanson: Wow, even I thought Dredd would put up more of a fight then this.

Vinegar: He is. Hastings tried to toss him into the boat but Dredd caught himself and drove a back elbow into Hastings gut. Slams his face on the edge, choke slam? No Hastings fights out with the elbows. Clothesline attempt by Dredd, ducked and countered with a back belly suplex by The Immortal.

Hanson: Yeah, go Lord Chief!

Vinegar: A good counter but that took a lot out of both of them, Hastings clutching his back. Those earlier attacks by Dredd seeming to have a lasting effect.

Hanson: Well that’s his plan. Hastings needs all his strength to take Dredd over and more importantly, get him into the boat. With a bad back he can’t do either. The Lord Chief will endure though.

Vinegar: Where is all this insight coming from?

Hanson: Well I did use to be a wrestler myself you know?

Vinegar: Yeah but-

Hanson: But?

Vinegar: I’m supposed to be the smart one.

Hanson: Then stop complaining.

Vinegar: I’m so conflicted.

Hanson: Now you know how I feel!

Vinegar: I sympathise. While we’ve been rambling both men have got back to their feet and Hastings tried to charge Dredd but instead got a spine buster over the top of the crowd barrier. That really could have broken his spine.

Hanson: Good name then huh?

Vinegar: Dredd leading Hastings by the head now, back towards the river. Dredd just, no, Dredd just shoved Hastings head under the water. This is going too far.

Hanson: You could never understand how much even a shot at a title like the Unified Global title means to these men.

Vinegar: He’ll kill him! Thank god Hazel East in to separate them and let Hastings come up for air. Dredd back and raining blows down on the forehead of the Immortal. Hastings kicks him away. Dredd comes back but gets elevated over with a back body drop.

Hanson: And watch how the Lord Chief heroically fights through the pain that move clearly caused him.

Vinegar: I can’t deny that. Hastings jumps across the river to follow up. He’s grabbed Dredd in a suplex position. Could be the Destiny’s Call. Dredd blocks it though and Hastings back not giving him the strength to power through. Dredd shoves him away and lays the forearms into the spine.

Hanson: Dredd scooping him back up.

Vinegar: Looks like a power bomb. Hastings body crashes into the ground. What impact! It could be over here, Dredd hefting Hastings body into the boat and unlatching the tether.

Hanson: No, don’t die Lord!

The boat floats down almost halfway when Hastings rolls out, tipping the boat over the side with him.

Hanson: Hey, are those weapons in there?

Vinegar: Yes, the boat was full of axes and swords. Didn’t you notice before?

Hanson: Obviously not. The Lord Chief’s got one of those axes in his hand now. He’s gonna cut Dredd up.

Vinegar: Dredd coming down to him and Hastings just slams that axe into his gut.

Hanson: He just disembowelled him.

Vinegar: Calm down, you think they’d actually leave sharp blades in there? Those things are practically round.

Hanson: Well the Lord Chief didn’t seem to know that. He looks pretty disappointed.

Vinegar: Either way, that’s a heavy metal object to the gut and Dredd’s doubled over, DDT! Hastings wailing on Dredd’s notoriously bad shoulder with the flat side of that axe. This could be his opportunity but he needs to get back up to the ring.

Hanson: Well he’s got the boat and started dragging it back to the top of the river. Dredd’s still down.

Vinegar: He’s got it back on the river and tethered up. Dredd’s getting back to his feet and the Lord of Pain goes back to deal with him. Dredd just launches an axe at him! That hit him right between the eyes and Hastings goes down.

Hanson: Dredd’s still too messed up to capitalise on it though.

Vinegar: I think he’s got plenty of time. Hastings is on dream street.

Hanson: Never! The Lord Chief will endure!

Vinegar: Dredd the first to get back to his feet and striding back to words Donovan Hastings. Goes to drag him back up, but gets an eye gouging for his efforts.

Hanson: He lives!

Vinegar: Hastings slowly getting back up. Dredd recovers, big boot! No Hastings ducks under it, STO! Hastings this time, pulling Dredd up and dragging him to the boat. Is he going to get him in?

Hanson: Yes, The Lord Chief rolls the gorilla into the rickety little ship and sends him on his way.

Vinegar: Dredd’s not going without a fight, he’s dragged Hastings into the boat with him. These two trading shots.

The boat gets just over half way when the two of them throw themselves out.

Vinegar: I’m not sure what we would have done if they managed to have a draw there. Both men getting back up after that brutal exchange. Dredd’s picking up the boat itself, hoisting it overhead.

Hanson: Don’t turn around My Lord!

Vinegar: Welcome to medieval Britain folks where Daniel Hanson just got a bit gayer. Hastings turns around anyway and gets the whole damn boat slammed on his head and he goes down hard. Dredd dragging the boat in one hand and his opponent with the other back towards the ring.

Hanson: Come on heart attack, come on.

Vinegar: That’s sounding like worry in your voice.

Hanson: Not at all. The Immortal Lord Chief of Pain Nigga will turn this around.

Vinegar: Dredd replaces the boat. Puts the boot to Hastings as he tries to get up, then, rolls him back into the ring. I wasn’t expecting that.

Hanson: That’s senility for you. Dredd’s forgotten what he was even trying to do.

Vinegar: Pulling Hastings up. Broken Sphere! Dead centre of the ring.

Hanson: Why, not like he’s going to pin him.

Vinegar: No but he just got him up and whipped him into the corner. Avalanche! No Hastings manages to sidestep it. Neckbreaker out of the corner. The Lord of Pain has got to be wondering how he’s going to be able to end this.

Hanson: He’s got a plan.

Vinegar: How do you know?
Hanson: He always has a plan.

Vinegar: Hastings drops back out to the floor. Walking away, what’s he up to?

Hanson: He’s gathering up those blunt weapons from the floor.

Vinegar: You’re right, Hastings with arms full of rusty blunt Nordic weaponry, carrying them back up towards the ring. Drops them in another pile just away from the apron. Dredd’s back up though and reaches down, grabbing Hastings by the hair and pulling him back up into the ring.

Hanson: He’s resorted to hair pulling. The old farts getting desperate.

Vinegar: Stiff kick to the gut, lifts him up with a gorilla press. Just holding him there. I think he wants to drop him on those weapons. No, Hastings scrambles free and drops down behind him. Reverse DDT!

Hanson: Woop woop!

Vinegar: Hastings pulling Dredd back up. He’s got him in the corner, trying to get him to the top rope. Dredd fighting back but Hastings putting some hard elbow to his head. He’s got him up on the top.

Hanson: I’m liking the looks of this.

Vinegar: He’s getting around behind him. No, no no no. Cross power bomb position, oh my-

Hanson: Inevitability to the outside, right onto those weapons!

Vinegar: That was brutal. That was crazy. Dredd’s back must be torn to shreds. Did you see his head whip back?

Hanson: Yeah it was beautiful.

Vinegar: Dammit you’re sick. Hastings is up though, hefting Dredd onto his shoulders, fighting through the pain in his back. Dumps him into the boat. Where’s he going now?

Hanson: He’s looking for something under the ring.

Vinegar: A blanket? Hastings just drew out a blanket. What’s that even doing there?

Hanson: This feels like the plan. Hastings just retrieved a lighter from his trunks.

Vinegar: He’s laid the blanket over the boat and-

Hanson: Set it on fire! That thing just lit right up. Hey I thought you said they weren’t going to do that.

Vinegar: They’re not supposed to. Hastings has gone crazy, Dredd’s going to be burned alive!

Hanson: He’s set the boat off though.

The boat floats down the river, Hastings limping along beside it as the flames get more and more intense. As it gets to the end a huge pyro explodes, blinding everyone.

Hanson: Ah my eyes!

Vinegar: What just happened?

As the flash fades, Dredd and the boat have disappeared.

Vinegar: Is that it?

Hanson: That’s it!

Ding! Ding!

Dennis: Here is your winner! The Immortal, Donovaaaaaaaan Haaaaaaaaastiiiiiiiiins!!!

Hanson: He did it! He did it, he did it he did it!

Vinegar: He certainly did, Donovan Hastings is the new number one contender to the Unified Global title.

Hastings walks back towards the ring as his music plays again. From his decisive pile he picks up a sword and an axe, sliding into the ring and stepping onto the second turnbuckle, raising the weapons above his head to a barrage of camera flashes.

Vinegar: You know what this means though right?

Hanson: What?

Vinegar: Another month of emotion conflict and anguish for you.

Hanson: Oh god, pass me a bucket.

'Lord' Donovan Hastings: 7

'The Monster' Dredd: 5

[T-Robosaurus Rex]

Vinegar: I… I don’t know what to say folks… I’m… I’m still in shock… What just happened to Dredd was… was…

Hanson: Well deserved? An awesome showing of what happens when you funk wid da Chief Negro? Better than enlarged rhino porn?

Vinegar: You’d think I’d have come to expect this from you by now…

Hanson: Yeah, you would. But that ain’t important, because our next match is -

ALL THAT IS, WAS AND WILL BE
UNIVERSE MUCH TOO BIG TO SEE
TIME AND SPACE NEVER ENDING
DISTURBING THOUGHTS, QUESTIONS PENDING
LIMITATIONS OF HUMAN UNDERSTANDING

Hanson: Not what I was gonna say…

Vinegar: What is this?!

A major blast of pyro explodes from the stage and Sean Cyanide slowly walks out holding the Book of Cyanide and with his trench coat drenched in blood. He slides into the ring and sets the book in the middle of the ring and hops on a turn buckle and raises his arms slowly and begins chanting out passages from the book.

TOO QUICK TO CRITICIZE
OBLIGATION TO SURVIVE
WE HUNGER TO BE ALIVE

Vinegar: Dammit, what the hell is Cyanide doing here? No one cared about him in his home country, why the hell does he think the Japanese are going to give a shit?

Hanson: …

Vinegar: You’re not going to stand up for him?

Hanson: Nah, I have some standards, Nick.

Vinegar: Could have fooled me. But I thought his entrance music was “My Coven” these days.

Hanson: That would make more sense. I don’t see how Cyanide can afford the play rights to a Metallica song. But I’m much more concerned about his paedophile face paint…

Vinegar: Don’t start with the burial just yet or else you’ll give away the author’s identity.

Hanson: You mean the author of our fates in this twisted, unpredictable world of ours, right?

Vinegar: What else would I be talking about? An internet message board? Anyways, Cyanide in the ring now, with a mic…

Cyanide: You ridiculous mortals! On this night I have lurked in the shadows –

Hanson: – Waiting to give a small child some candy –

Cyanide: And I have seen you foolish creatures cheer and marvel at the pathetic displays before you. Being pushed away on a flaming boat, when you’re surrounded by water, is supposed to be ‘hardcore’? Is supposed to be ‘no holds barred’?! What a joke!

Hanson: How many people in our audience can speak English, do you think?

Vinegar: And, of those, how many care about what Cyanide has to say?

Cyanide: These notions of grandness the degenerates of GIW seem to possess would be amusing, if it weren’t so sad. I, Sean Cyanide, am a GOD! I cannot be destroyed! So just how ‘extreme’ does that make me?!

Hanson: You're about as extreme as a Jane Austen novel.

Cyanide: I can raise the dead! Annihilate scores of men with a single whisper! I am immortal and invincible! No one can touch me! And now I’ll prove it!

Vinegar: A bunch of stereotypical, spoilt, rich, emo American teenagers are making their way down the ramp now and into the ring. They’re bowing before Cyanide, who seems to be scratching his crotch underneath that cloak.

Hanson: Which one of those underage children gave him the itchies, do you think?

Vinegar: Just one?

Cyanide: Behold our power! Chant with me, my Children Of Cyanide!!

Teenagers: WE LIKE BIG BUTTS AND WE CANNOT YOU LIE! YOU OTHER BROTHERS CAN’T DENY!

Hanson: Yee-ah! Gettin’ funk-ay wid ma good thang!

Vinegar: And now Cyanide is pelvic thrusting in the centre of the ring. My God we’ve seen some horrendous things tonight, but this has gotta take the cake…

Hanson: WHEN A GIRL WALKS IN WID A IDDY-BIDDY WAIST AND A ROUND THING IN YO FACE, YOU GET SPRUNG!

Vinegar: You’re unbelievable. And it’s too bad the entire roster is either monstrously debilitated from their matches or preparing for their upcoming matches, otherwise we may have had someone be able to put a stop to this abomination of American pop culture - HUH?!

Hanson: It’s a hobo! Some shaggy haired, black eyed hobo just rushed the ring with a steel chair! BOOM! Molestation victim number one just ate steel! I bet it tasted better than Cyanide though!

Vinegar: In mere moments, the hobo has laid waste to all those emo teenagers! But… but… it’s Peter Damascus, Daniel! It’s the former jobber of XFWORUFFTVWXX! MY GOD, I DUN BELIEVE IT!!!!

Hanson: Man, he’s interrupting Sir Mix-a-Lot…

Vinegar: Now he’s turned his focus to Cyanide! The God of Clichés looking for the Dark Deliverance, but Damascus counters and throws him face first into the turnbuckle!! Now Damascus bashes Sean with the Book Of Cyanide! And that thing is dull enough to knock anyone out of commission!

Hanson: I was just starting to enjoy it…

Vinegar: Damascus out of the ring and back in with a garbage can full of… well, of things that aren’t good for the Cult Of Unoriginality! A sledgehammer and a… A GAS CANISTER!! DAMASCUS POURING THAT PETROL OVER THE TEENAGERS AND NOW HE’S GOT A MATCH!!! MY GOD, HE JUST LIT THEM UP IN FLAMES!!!! THEY’RE CHILDREN DAMMIT! THIS IS GOING TOO FAR!!! LOOK AT THEM SCREAMING AND WRITHING IN AGONY!!!

Hanson: Damn, that homey is hardcore. But on the plus side, at least those punks won’t seem so attractive to Cyanide now. Assuming there’s anything left of him after Damascus has finished…

Vinegar: Well there isn’t gonna be much left of his non-existent janglies! DAMASCUS BLASTING THEM WITH THE SLEDGEHAMMER OVER AND OVER!!! MUST BE A DOZEN SLEDGEHAMMER SHOTS TO CYANIDE’S DOODLE!!! THE HUMANITY OF IT ALL!!!!

Hanson: Now Damascus is dragging Cyanide backstage and these fans seem the happiest they have all night. Can’t say I blame ‘em.

Vinegar: But it’s not over yet, Daniel! As we all know, any half-decent burial has to involve some sort of backstage annihilation. Damascus is dragging Cyanide into the parking lot and towards that semi-trailer. He’s opening up the storage bay and… WHEELING OUT A CANNON?! MY GOD, HE’S PUTTING CYANIDE IN THERE!!!

Hanson: KA-BOOM!!!! See ya later Cyanide… but hopefully not!!!

Vinegar: Cyanide was just blasted into the sky, out of that cannon, and has completely disappeared into the horizon! And these fans are cheering ecstatically! They’re so glad to be rid of Cyanide and I don’t blame them! Damascus has laid waste to the Cult Of Cyanide on this night! But my question is, why was he here in the first place?! And will he be sticking around?!

Hanson: If he does, things around here are likely to get a lot more interesting… Though that’s gonna happen regardless, now that Cyanide is gone.

Vinegar: Seems we have something going on backstage...

The scene cuts and we see GIW’s Enforcer Boss Penguin, flapping around with a magnum in one flipper and cigar in the other screaming to the heavens, as Mary-Jo leans against a wall, arms crossed, rolling her eyes at the Penguins theatrics...

Boss P: WHAT DA FUCK IS DAT HOBO DOING IN MA RING? ‘DATS ALL WE NEED, NOT ONLY DID DAT DELUSIONAL NIGGA TURN BOSS P’S MUSCLE INTO A CRISPY FRIED NIGLET....NOW WE GOT SOME BUM WHO’S WANTED BY DA GOVERNMENT SETTIN' TATES CLASSNIGLETS ON FIRE, DAT AIN’T GONNA HELP US GET BACK INTO DA USA...

MOTHAFUCKA’S THROWING DEMSELVES OFF FUCKING NIGGA HIGH PLATFORMS AND CAGES, DOSE GOVERNEMENT SUIT’S AIN’T GONNA LOOK AT ‘DIS LIGHTLY, WHOSE DAMN IDEA WAS IT TO COME TO MOTHAFUCKIN’ JAPAN...

At this Point Mary-Jo pipes up.

MJ: If Mary-Jo recalls, you made a very big point of ensuring everyone knew it was your idea...I know the board are well aware of this matter...

Boss P: SHIAT, DOSE NIGGA’S DON’T KNOW WHAT DEY TALKIN’ BOUT....BUT IT DON’T MATTER CAUSE SHIT IS GONNA GET WORSE...WE GOT C4 IN DA MAIN EVENT, DID YOU KNOW ‘DAT SHIT? WHO DA FUCK PUTS EXPLOSIVES AND TIMB BOMBS IN A MAIN EVENT?

MJ: Well, once again the ‘TWiSTeD Matriarch’ recalls that was you...

Boss P: WELL I GUESS IF DIS IS GONNA BE DESE NIGGA’S LAST SHOW FOR GIW, WE MAY AS WELL GO OUT WID A BANG!

MJ: Last show? Not quite...MJ has managed to line us up a show in Australia, they’re made for us down under, a large chunk of our PPV gross comes from them, next week Sentinel is coming from the Acer Arena...or as MJ preferred it named, the Sydney Superdome....

Boss P: DATS PRETTY IMPRESSIVE FOR A DUMB NIGGERINA, BUT WHO GONNA WATCH DAT SHIAT, WE DON’T HAVE NO TV NIGGA’S WILLING TO SHOW THE DAMN MATCHES!

MJ: Live streaming.

Boss P: DON’T CHANGE DA SUBJECT NIGLET, WE AIN’T GOT TIME TO GO FISHIN’...

MJ rolls her eyes, and struggles to restrain her frustration.

MJ: Live stream the show on the internet, Mary-Joanna has lined up plenty of sponsorship deals to pay for the bandwith...now if you’ll excuse the ‘TWiSTeD Matriarch, she has to break this news to the Board...they’ll be pleased...don’t you think!

Mary-Joanna Roberts turns and walks away, looking over her shoulder to flash a smile at Boss Penguin, who’s eyes narrow as we return to the arena.

[T-Robosaurus Rex]

Vinegar: Good news on the future of GIW, especially given the violence of tonights, unique matches...

Hanson: The next match is going to be another bit of something different...but honestly the Dragon’s Cave sounds more like Alex’s favourite orifice after a good night out.

Vinegar: The first line of the match, and you’re already started. Before the guy has even got in the ring...

Hanson: I’m sure he’s in a ring, just not this one...

Vinegar: Stop! You know very well the Dragons Cave is a ring surrounded with hot coals, with a firing inferno surrounding it...but due to safety concerns...I know I can hardly believe I am saying that at this point in the night...the fire will intermittently be extinguished, and then relit....and we haven’t even mentioned the glue and the glass on the fists...

Hanson: A fist covered in glue and glass? I’m not even sure that’s the most intimidfating thing this Dragon has had in his ca...

Vinegar: Seriously, can you stop, given Alex’s current state of mind, who knows what he could do, he was missing for days, luckily though he’s made this show, but you don’t want him to hear you....

Hanson: Relax...I’ll behave...

Vinegar: Seriously?

Hanson: NO!Hahahaha...Can’t believe you fell for that! That’s more obvious than Alex’s attempts to hide his sexuali...

Vinegar: I’m just going to ignore you from now on...

As the opening chords of Blood and Roses hits, a wooden man, about nine foot tall, is wheeled onto the entranceway.

Hanson: Huh?

Dennis: The Next match is a Dragons Cave Match, introducing first, he is from the darker recesses of the same place as the Crimson Ghost, he is EEEEEEL DIAAAABLICOOOOO MAAAAGNIIIIIFICOOOOO!!!

Hanson: No...That’s a wooden man. Actually it kinda resembles A-Kis on the mic....

Three fire marshals walk onto the stage and then set the wooden figure alight from afar and then step back as it goes up in flames, it burns ferociously and as the head falls from the body, before it can hit the floor the wood shatters outwards, as El Diablico Magnifico springs from the debris, front flipping and landing on his feet, before looking expectantly at the audience, who explode in applause at the spectacle...

Hanson: El Dio...Al Dablic...El Diablico Mucho...Ah goddamit, the guys a walking Typo, can I just call him Crimson Ghost?

Vinegar: You think he’d be too happy with that?

Hanson: he got his pretty and extravagant entrance didn’t he?

Vinegar: I suppose for the sake of time we could just refer to him as EDM.

Hanson: Sounds like a drug you give to menopausal women, but I’m not fond of the guy, so that’ll do.

Vinegar: Diablico makes his way into the ring, walking through the only area around the ring currently not occupied by hot coals, he slides in and goes to dip his taped hands into the glue...but Owen Peterson keeps hold of the bucket full of Glass, a wise move considering Alex has yet to make his entrance.

‘Teahouse’

Dennis: And his opponent, from San Francisco...AAAAAAALLLEEEEX KIIIIIIISERAAAAAGI!!!!

Vinegar: Despite his recent, out of character actions, the fans here still show their appreciation for Alex Kiseragi....he has been acting a little tunnel visioned recently, and I gotta say I’ve seen a side to him I’m not sure I like...this match for instance is very un-Kiseragi to me...

Hanson: Well maybe he’s just not as boring as we all first suspected, I mean I gotta concede this match kinda needs some imagination to think up...I wonder if he spoke with Hastings or T-Rob....

Vinegar: I’m pretty sure this match came from the same dark place the memories of Katie’s brutal injury a few weeks are stored...As ‘The Dragon’ slides in the ring, crew members sweep the hot coals across the entranceway, there’s no easy way out of this now.

Hanson: And now Alex dips his hands in the glue, have you noticed he’s completely barefoot...given the glass shards and hot coals, I’m not sure that’s a bright idea, a gutsy one but stupid at the same time.

Vinegar: Is EDM wearing boots then?

Hanson: It doesn’t say he doesn’t in his profile, so I guess not.

Vinegar: Peterson is now offering both men the bucket of glass, and each man dips their fists in them, and remove fists covered in various sized sharp shards of glass. This one will not be pretty folks.

Hanson: And Magnitude doesn’t waste any time in launching at Alex with a quick right, but ‘The Dragon’ dodges to save his face for now...but surely it’s only a matter of time...

Vinegar: Surely...but A-Kis swings behind EDM, and grips him behind the waste before hitting him with a German Suplex...and as Diablico hits the floor, the ring is engulfed in four walls of flame, shooting up 9 foot in the air...

Hanson: Well it’s gonna get pretty hot inside there now, not sure I’d wanna be wearing a mask and a coat like Diablo...

Vinegar: Diablico...well at least he had the foresight to wear his armless jacket and shirt...

Hanson: True, good thing he planned ahead, but A-Kis drags EDM to his feet, and hits him with a punch to the gut with his right fist, and EDM buckles over, as the glass shreds his abdomen...

Vinegar: As Gho...Diablico falls to his knee’s Alex goes to hit him with an Enzirugi...but EDm grabs his leg, and blocks, throwing a punch into the underside of A-Kis’ leg...a smart move, if he attacks those legs A-Kis’ main arsenal will be limited...

Hanson: You know you are talking crap right? Screw the legs, the dudes got glass glued to his fists!

Vinegar: As has EDM, and he’s just suplexed A-Kis across the ring, and now he’s climbed on top of ‘The Dragon’ and brings his fist down, but A-Kis roll’s his head desperately out off the way, and hooks his legs around Ghosts shoulders, and throws him off...

Hanson: You called him Ghost!

Vinegar: OK I admit it, if a guys gonna have a million and one alter ego’s, and he’s NOT Mick Foley, I’mma make mistakes...

Hanson: That’s what i’m saying, anyway both men on their feet, and the fire rages on around them, and now they are nose to nose, as Alex just screams an inaudible diatribe at El Crimson Magnifico...

Vinegar: Alex ends his tirade by landing the first punch to the face, and we can see tears forming on EDM’s mask, cause no matter what kind of material it’s made from, it is not going to withstand that kind of strike...

Hanson: Diobo replies with a fantastic uppercut, which almost splits A-Kis’ chin in two, and ‘The Dragon’ now pouring blood down his torso, but he stands back and unwinds with a haymaker, that connects with the other side of EDM’s face...

Vinegar: But Diablico doesn’t go down, merely crouches and unleashes a flurry of body blows to A-Kis’ abdomen, and ‘The Dragon’ stumbles backwards towards the ropes...the heat causing him to arch forward in pain, and he can’t avoid a right cross shot from Diablico, which mashes into the side of A-Kis’ cheek, and ‘The Dragon’ just crumples to the floor...

Hanson: Both men bleeding, El Diabico’s clothes stained with his blood, and his mask rips reveal nothing but, rather aptly, a crimson mask of blood, from A-Kis head shots....

Vinegar: And El Diablico Magnifico...?

Hanson: I think ya got it that time...

Vinegar: yeah me too, El Diablicoco Magnificoco, climbs onto of A-kis and now drags him into a sitting position with his left hand, and drives his right fist into A-Kis’ face repeatedly, easily breaking A-Kis’ nose, and causing even more blood to gush from ‘The Dragons’ wounds, and he’s done this for about a 30 seconds, before realising that continuing for 5 minutes (as suggested) would leave A-Kis pretty much dead, and whomever resides behind that mask a murderer...instead he goes to a turnbuckle...and he’s pulled out a salt shaker and a lemon....and he’s squeezing the lemon over A-Kis’s face with his right hand...and pouring salt into his wounds with the other....

Hanson: El Ghostio Magnifico is one sick mother...

Vinegar: A-Kis clutching at his face and his torso as he squirms in pain as EDM walks over to another turnbuckle...and takes out a bottle of water....and takes a swig...

Hanson: At least he’s prepared...even if he is a psychopath....

Vinegar: A-Kis Still writhing as Diablico stands over him sipping on his water...

Hanson: KIP UP! OUT OF NOWHERE...

Vinegar: Diablico is stunned, as A-Kis springboards off the middle rope, and then flies at EDM, driving both fists into the prone skull of El Diablico, who is taken aback by this remarkable surge of adrenaline that has overcome ‘The Dragon’.

Hanson: And now A-Kis grabs the salt shaker, unscrews the top...and purs the entire contents onto Magnifico’s cut up face...

Vinegar: And now he’s pummelling EDM’s face some more, driving that salt and glass into El Diablicoco’s face....

Hanson: And mercifully the flames relent...I was burning up over here...

Vinegar: A-Kis now dragging Diablico to his feet, and whips him into the ropes, but Diablico dodges his attempts to hit him on the rebound, A-Kis turns, to see Diablico grab hold of the top rope...leaps up and grabs Alex’s neck in a head scissors, and then with amazing lower body strength EDM sends A-Kis over the top rope and into the hot coals....

Hanson: ‘The Dragons’ back arches upwards as he lands on the red hot coals, as EDM climbs to the top rope...and launches off...TOP ROPE LEGDROP!!!

Vinegar: NO! A-Kis manages to roll out of the way...sacrificing his unburnt front to avoid that move, and he leaps to his feet quickly...as EDM writhes on the floor....I think some of his cliothes are being singed....

Hanson: No shit? But what is A-Kis doing....he’s just standing their...his bare soles of his feet, and he seems to be centring himself, both hands clutched together, despite the glass, just in front of him...eyes closed as the swelling continues around his face...and we thought Gabby was the only one who’d lose modelling contracts tonight....

Vinegar: but as EDM gets to his feet, hopping about as the coals seem to be melting the rubber on his boots, A-Kis’ eyes snap open, and he leaps up, HURICANRANA! SLAMMING MAGNIFICO’S FACE INTO THE COALS! AND NOW HE’S STAMPING DOWN ON EDM’S FACE!

Hanson: DIABLICO SHOULDN’T WORRY ABOUT THAT MASK COMING OFF...IT’S MELTING ONTO HIS FACE!!!

Vinegar: A-Kis finally relents, as El Diablico Magnifico writhes about on those coals clutching his face, and ‘The Dragon’ slips back into the ring...thankfully taking a breather from the brutality...

Hanson: And now EDM clambers to his feet and rolls in the ring after him, and his mask has melted into his skin in many places, and ‘The Dragon’ wastes no time hitting him with a dropkick to the face...

Vinegar: We’ve had spectacular falls, people shot out of canons, and we’re gonna have C4, but this has got to be one of the most brutal matches I’ve seen in my time...A-Kis dragging EDM up, and whips him against the ropes, as EDM returns though the flames eript around the ring once more and A-Kis is blinded, and unable to stop the oncoming Diablico from flying at him with a right hand to the jaw that sends A-Kis to the canvas...and Ghost springboards off the middle rope and drives both fists into the stomach of ‘The Dragon’...I hope to god Peterson has the foresight to call and end to this if one of them starts coughing up blood...

Hanson: Their mouths are already filled with blood, Nick. If they cough, bloods gonna be in it...they should have known what they were getting involved in before they got in the ring....both men are gonna be scarred for life...no way around it...

Vinegar: burns and dozens and dozens of deep gashes from that glass, I’m surprised either man still wants to go on...Diablico has gone across to another turnbuckle, and he’s reaching inside for another stored prop...A STAPLEGUN!

Hanson: A-Kis is still face down on the canvas...and El Dialico stalks over the top of him...and knee’s on the top of his legs and buttocks, The Dragon squirming....

Vinegar: Now Magnifico takes two fingers and rips one shard of glass from his left had fist....graps it in his hands...

Hanson: BUTTFUCKING LESBIANS!!! EL DIABLICO TAKING THAT SHARD OF GLASS AND DIGGING IT DEEPLY INTO THE DRAGON’S BACK.....

Vinegar: AND DRAGGING IT DOWNWARDS FROM LEFT TO RIGHT DIAGONALLY...MY GOD THAT’S GOT TO BE 8...9 INCHES LONG!

Hanson: NOW THE STAPLE GUN! OH CHRIST! HE’S DOING HIS OWN JOB OF SEALING THE WOUND, WITH REPEATED CLICKS OF THAT STAPLE GUN!

Vinegar: Finally after about a dozen staples are fired into A-Kis’ back, El Diablico rolls The Dragon over and goers for the pin...finally this is gonna be over...it’s been barbaric...

1...

2...

Hanson: How did he kick out!

Vinegar: However he did it, it caused him a lot of pain, as he screams out to the gods...and as if at his request the flames abate once more...

Hanson: Diablico grabbing The Dragon by the hair and dragging him to his feet...

Vinegar: GOO GOD! Look at A-Kis’ back, some of those staples have just torn either side of the wound, and are hanging off...

Hanson: And El Diablico looks like he wants to fix up his handiwork and reaches for the staple gun, only for ‘The Dragon’ to kick it from his hands, and catch it in his own...AND SLAMS IT INTO MAGNIFICO’S FORHEAD...HALF A DOZEN TIMES...NOW THE MASK IS STAPLED AS WELL AS MELTED ONTO HIS FACE!!!

Vinegar: A-Kis, drops to his knee’s as Diablico goes rolling to the outside clutching his face...and the flames erupt once more...thank god a natural barrier to stop these two....but Diablico now outside, trying to perch on top of the guard rail to avoid the coals, but his strength is too weakened and he keeps lowering himself down....

Hanson: A-Kis paces in the ring, waiting for the flames to go out....and then hobbles towards the buckets...what is he doing...he’s dipped his right foot in the glue...and now the glass...and he’s stood their hopping on his left foot...bleeding from face, legs and back...if he put’s that foot down he’s gonna rip up some ligaments...

Vinegar: Diablico...stands on the coals....AND LAUNCHES UNDER THE MIDDLE ROPE...HE’S LITERALLY ON FIRE AS HE CHARGES AT ‘THE DRAGON’...

HANSON: THE DRAGON SPINS A FULL 360 DEGREE’S...AND CONNECTS HIS GLASS COVERED FOOT TO DIABLICO’S SKULL!

Vinegar: A-KIS DROPS AND COVERS THE STILL FLAMING UPPER BODY OF EL DIABLICO!!!

1...

2...

3!!!!

Dennis: HERE IS YOUR WINNER....THE DRAGON....ALEX KIIIIIIIISEEEERAAAAAAAGIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII!!!!!

Vinegar: ‘The Dragon’ rolls off the body of Diablico....and Magnifico is still in flames, and A-kis now clutching his abdomen that seems to have taken a severe burning...

Hanson: But he’s won...and now the flames abate as he kneels on the floor, looking vacantly ahead...he don’t look too happy to have won...

Vinegar: It’s got to be shock...that was a brutal match, one which neither competitor will be able to forget...

As the flames cease burning for the final time a crew of EMT’s and fire marshals rush the ring, covering El Diablico Magnifico with a fire blanket, and then the EMT’s go to work removing the shards of glass, glue and staples from the competitors bodies...

Suddenly ‘The Dragons’ music is cut short and the GlobaTron flickers on, and we see the pretty face of Katie Piper, her big brown eyes staring into the screen, she cocks her head left and right before looking down, and narrowing her eyes....

Katie: Is this working...I’m not great with Webcams...

Hi Alex, it’s me, Katie. I got home today, and I just had to send you a good luck message.

The doctors say I’m going to be just fine, but they’ve told me to stay away from wrestling for a while, and maybe get a better trainer.

*She giggles and flutters her eyelashes innocently*

Well they say I should be wearing this...

*holds up a neck brace*

But I feel like an ass, especially after what you went through at Battlegrounds.

Anyway, I’m not sure what time it is in Tokyo but I just had to wish you good luck, I haven’t been able to see much since I got home, but I do know your facing some new guy, El Diaby Magnify...is he Egyptian? But I hope you win, and look as good as ever doing it....ermmm...this feels weird talking to no-one pretending it’s you...I hope you get this before your match....because I just wanted you to know that I....well I just thought I should tell you I...

*She bites her lip as she stumbles along her words, and her eyes roll upwards as she thinks of the right ones*

And I...Well I wanted to say also...look...Don’t blame Chinatsu...or yourself.

As abruptly as the message appears it disappears, and we focus on Alex’s face, which is still frozen, but we see a single tear emerge from his right eye...and then he slumops forward, head in his hands, crying. He looks over at El Diablico, and shakes his ehad in obvious regret.

Vinegar: Alex Kiseragi is overwhelmed with emotion...

Hanson: Usually I’d make some joke about gays being over emotional, but I can’t bring myself to it after that match...

Vinegar: He thought he was fighting for Katie...she wouldn’t have wanted this...no-one wanted this!

Hanson: ‘The Dragon’ couldn’t see that though, and now that he does, well he’s feeling a whole range of emotions...and right now they’re blocking out the pain...

Vinegar: And El Diablico opens his eyes, and climbs to his feet, and ‘Teh Dragon’ looks over at his defeated opponent, one of the incarnations of the man he only moments ago blamed for the hospitalisation of Katie Piper...but now the Dragon see’s the error of his ways, stumbles towards El Diablico and both men embrace in a hug, the tears still streaming down Alex’s face...

Hanson: And I think it’s about time we cut to something else, there is only so long I can watch two men hugging and crying before I have to say something homophobic to make myself comfortable with my own sexuality...I mean...

Alex Kiseragi: 7

El Diablico Magnifico: 5

[T-Robosaurus Rex]

Vinegar: While our crack team get the next match set up, Jason Reeves has found a famous fan in attendance.

Hanson: Oh god, this isn't like when we had that washed up VD cowboy, is it?

Vinegar: No, I think you'll be pleasantly surprised. Jason?

Jason Reeves has once agained donned his drag costume and fake tits to try and score this interview.

Reeves: Thanks, dogs. J Reeves, proud to be here in the House of the Rising Sun, on this most ass-kickingly hardcore of nights yo, and who better to give us some thoughts than THE hardcore legend, give it up for Mick Foley dogs!

Mick: Wow, thanks for that, you know that is quite the outfit you got there. You almost pass for a man! Well, it's great to be back here, in TOKE-EE-YO!

Foley, as is his custom, throws his arm straight into the air to signal for the cheap pop.

Reeves: What do you think of the evening so far, Mick?

Foley: Well, miss, I have seen a lot, and I mean A LOT, of strange gimmicks and sick bumps, hell, I've been part of quite a few myself, and I have to say these are right up there. Everyone's going out there and putting everything on the line, nobody's holding back anything, and I can tell you I appreciate it, and I know for damn sure that these people here in the Tokyo Dome appreciate it, because Japan has the best wrestling fans in the whole goddamn world!

Another cheap pop.

Reeves: Now our main event tonight should be quite familiar to someone who was crowned the King of the Deathmatch.

Foley: Well, that was fifteen years and about a million hot dogs ago, but definitely. The barbwire, the C4, the thumbtacks and light tubes, I did them all.

Reeves: Who do think is going to walk away with the Unified belt?

Foley: I would never take anything away from a female competitor. I know how tough women can be, never forget that Mrs Foley had to push this giant head out, women are tough. And I've seen Aja Kong and Masami Yoshida, and countless other women in that very match in this very building. So I would never say that Gabrielle Montgomery couldn't get the win tonight. But I've been in that match before, and more importantly, so has Travis Roberts. We know what it's like to feel that wire cut into your skin, how it snags into your flesh as you try to pull away. We know what it's like to have that C4 explode around you, and you're never sure if you'll still be on this planet when the smoke clears from your eyes. We know what it's like to hear that glass tube shatter, and look down in hopes of seeing some flesh through all the blood. I hope Gabby is ready, because she's in for the fight of her life!

Reeves: Wise words from a man who knows, thank you again, Mick Foley!

Foley: Hardcore Diaries, in stores now! Back to you guys!

Reeves: Hey!

There is an awkward silence as the ring crew cleans up after the brutal Dragons Cave match, Jason Reeves apparently not spending enough time with Mick Foley to clear up. Clearly the same half dozen men scour the ring with bleach and water to disinfect the large amounts of blood… again. The same batch of another half dozen men scurry to secure the still smoldering coals from ringside and take down the inferno apparatus before seemingly giving up on the coals to focus on the apparatus. The next same batch of no less than half dozen men scramble to take down and replace the ring ropes with barbwire, switch out the turnbuckles, and litter the ring and still hot coal covered floor with broken shards of glass, countless tacks, light tubes, and various blunt objects. Finally a whole new fresh squad of a full dozen men secure what seems like a Plexiglas barrier akin to what you would find at a hockey rink.

Hanson: I think this has to be the worst part about doing an entire gimmick matched pay per view.

Vinegar: What’s that?

Hanson: The waiting. They had to bring out all those tables, lower Moss Edwards cage, divert everyone to those monstrosity towers, reveal a moat, spread the coals, and now they’re building a hockey ring.

Vinegar: Rink, and doesn’t it seem like we’re on the wrong side? Why aren’t we behind it?

Hanson: Pussy. Grow a set huh. Do you really want to be that far away from the action?

Vinegar: No, but I do have to say I am absolutely astonished by how well you’re handling this. Not even a peep when they decided to leave those coals at ringside. One of your crushes will probably be pretty hurt tonight.

Hanson: You know I’ve been giving that a lot of thought. Wanna know what I came up with?

Vinegar: I have a feeling it’ll involve my momma, but it looks like they’re not quite finished preparing the ring, so why not.

Hanson: Alright, well first don’t ever assume yo fat smelly bottomless hole of a mommy could ever divert my thoughts from my Gabby or everyone’s hero TRob. But this is what I got. Both, BOTH, will be absolutely disfigured tonight. That’s a fact, but also one of them will win. If it’s Travis then the GIW is in the hands of someone, the only man, who has a snowballs shot in hell at bringing us through this. That’s a win for us. If it’s Gabby, than she’ll have won the biggest match of her life, and done what no man could and that’s topple the Headliner. That’s a win. So for me, yeah it’ll be bitter sweet, but it’s win win.

Vinegar: What if Gabrielle wins, so utterly destroys Travis’s confidence that he’s no longer the Blessed One, but she looks like a patchwork quilt after the barbwire, tacks, and glass shred her face?

Hanson: You shut your fucking bad joojoo mouth right now before I lose it. Can’t you tell I’m on edge!

Vinegar: And it looks like we’re ready for the introductions! Mitchell Dennis, you’re up!

Dennis: Ladies and gentlemen this is your No Holds Barred: Rising Sun main event, and is for the Unified Global Championship! Introducing first the challenger, standing five foot six inches, weighting in at 130 pounds, she is the Diamond Princess, this is Gabrielle Maddison Montgomery!

‘Envy’ by KHZ hits the speakers to an absolute explosion from the fans. Gabrielle with Diamond Jack Severino walk out onto the entrance ramp to the love and adoration from the fans. Jack gives Gabrielle a brief twirl before the two share a deep passionate kiss and Diamond Jack gives her a reassuring squeeze of her hand. Gabrielle squeezes back, and Jack turns to walk back through the curtains leaving Gabrielle to enter the ring by herself.

Vinegar: And it looks like Gabrielle is going to do this alone!

Hanson: Nick, listen to these sixty thousand people! How could you possibly think she’s alo… oh reflection from the Plexiglas! Wait, dear god we are on the wrong side! Why do these jackhole slant eyes get to be safe!

Vinegar: And one more example why we were thrown off television.

Hanson: I DON’T WANT TO DIE!

Dennis: And her opponent standing six foot six inches, weighting in at 220 pounds, he is the current and defending Unified Global Champion, he is the Headliner, this is Travis Roberts!

‘Bummer’ by Monster Magnet as the crowd continues on their feet this time decidedly split between cheers and jeers. Travis Roberts slowly makes his way from the curtain paying special attention to where DJS and Gabby had shared their supportive lovingly embrace just a few moments ago. He looks out over the crowd before slowly descending to barrier surrounded ring, and slides under the bottom cord of barbwire.

Vinegar: Roberts now standing in the ring, and giving what could be one long last look at that title before handing it over to senior official Glenn Burke.

Hanson: And what a sportsman. I can’t hear what he’s saying to my Gabby, but I bet it’s words of encouragement and well wishings!

Vinegar: Really? I could have sworn I heard something about ‘tits’.

Hanson: It’s an expression. When something’s really good you say they’re the tits. Like if TRob were to say to my Gabby ‘let’s make this match the tits.’ See encouragement!

Vinegar: Well Burke’s calling for the bell, and we’re underway.

Hanson: Not without a bit more words of encouragement though. I tell you it’s so nice to see a good sign of sportsmanship like this, and even better for the Blessed One to get a good challenger. Not like that cheating BoolZ or ninja KisKis!

Vinegar: What do you thing that clock is on the big screen?

Hanson: Dummy clocks go forward. That’s going backwards.

**19:48… 19:47… 19:46…***

Vinegar: And I think Gabrielle’s had enough of Roberts encouragements, and just send a hard forearm shot into the face of the Headliner!

Hanson: Here we go! This has got to be the greatest match ever!

Vinegar: Roberts being rocked by those hard forearm shots, and backing into the corner. I’m not sure they’re having the same impact that Gabrielle would wish though.

Hanson: Of course not. She is giving up a clear foot and almost a hundred pounds to TRob, but you can’t discount the size of her breasts… uh, heart! HEART!

Vinegar: I’m sure. Roberts not throws up an arm to block the next shot, and answers back with a right hand of his own.

Hanson: Starting out fast and viscous and Roberts taking control! Roberts takes Gabby and tosses her into the turnbuckle!

Vinegar: Wait no explosion?

Hanson: I’m not sure, but thank god! It’d be a shave to ruin such a perfect back!

Vinegar: Gabrielle ducks under another hard right hand, steps around the TWiSTeD Guerilla, beautiful dropkick!

*BOOM!!!* ***18:22…18:21…18:20…***

Hanson: AW, there’s your explosion!

Vinegar: Roberts hits the turnbuckle and is immediately thrown out by that blast!

Hanson: Yeah, but I’m not sure who took the worse of that! Sure Travis got blow’d up, but my Gabby landed fast first in tacks, shards of glass, and icky icky AKis blood!

Vinegar: Well not that’s not all Kiseragi blood as GMM stands it’s clear she’s been but open. It was only a matter of time.

Hanson: Roberts fell forward and on his knees after that blast. I think he could have severe burns on his back.

Vinegar: I think severe is only getting started! Montgomery picks up one of those light tubes, and with a puff of that mercury gas and powder, now I think Roberts is busted open!

Hanson: That’s my Gabby! Get another light tube! SMASH! And another… SMASH! It’s like her own gorgeous 21 Deaths! ‘Cept, you know, this one’s actually connecting!

Vinegar: Well that could be a problem. She just bent over to get another tube, and Roberts just pulled her face first into those barbwire ropes!

Hanson: NOT THE FACE!

Vinegar: Roberts repositioning her over the top rope, grabs her by the ankles, lifts so she’s in suspended with those ropes under her arms, and now he’s pulling back on her and side to side! That barbwire’s gonna chew her up!

Hanson: This is not the tits I thought he was talking about with this match!

***16:33… 16:32…1631…***

Vinegar: Roberts lets her go, and taking a moment to tease these fans.

Hanson: Giving them a moment to bask in his greatness you mean!

Vinegar: Head of steam, he heads at the prone Gabby…

Hanson: She turns!

Vinegar: High back body drop over the barbwire ropes, and Travis lands hard on the outside in the tacks, glass, and now burning coals!

Hanson: That’s my Gabby! That’s my Gabby up there!

Vinegar: Well speaking of up there, Gabrielle is negotiating her way to the top turnbuckle!

Hanson: Roberts scrambling to get back to his feet…

Vinegar: Gabby launches, NO…

*BOOM!!!*

Hanson: Those pretty little feet! That turnbuckle just exploded, and knocked my Gabby off her perch!

Vinegar: Folks she landed hard on the outside, and into all this plunder!

Hanson: Roberts back to his feet, he sees what happened, and now he’s picking up a fire poker from the refuse Boss P’s people left out here!

Vinegar: Roberts picking his shot, waiting for Gabby to get back up, he charges, swings…

Hanson: She ducks under with her speed, another dropkick, and Roberts crashes fast first into the ring post!

Vinegar: But Gabby took another hard landing in what has to be hell on earth!

Hanson: AH NOT THE FACE!

Vinegar: She either doesn’t care or didn’t learn!

Hanson: I don’t think she cares! This is all or nothing!

***14:50…14:49…14:48…***

Vinegar: Gabby back up and she’s bringing a Singapore cane with her!

Hanson: MY Gabby tattooing that burned back of the Headliner!

Vinegar: And folks what does Gabrielle do when the cane eventually breaks? Well she finds herself a walking stick, and continues to the assault!

Hanson: Yeah but that one didn’t have enough give, and broke almost immediately!

Vinegar: I don’t think it matter. Gabrielle looks she’s going for that Taste the Canvas DDT.

Hanson: Roberts finding the strength somewhere northern lights her up, no, instead he dumps her face first over the middle rope!

Vinegar: And Gabrielle now stretched out over the middle rope of barbwire, and Roberts again has by the ankles.

Hanson: Not for long. He just jerked her off the ropes, and watched her land face first in the manifestations of pain on the outside!

Vinegar: I don’t think he’s done. Still with a hold of her foot, the TWiSTeD High Commander is dragging Gabrielle over to the ring steps with her face being scrapped across the hot and sharp floor!

Hanson: Roberts placing her head on the floor at the base of the steps.

Vinegar: What is that? Is that a bowling ball!?!

Hanson: Roberts cues up, here it come… and Gabby barely gets out of the way in time as that ball thuds off the steps!

Vinegar: Folks with as much time as these two have spend standing and rolling in those coals, the smell of burnt hair and human flesh is absolutely revolting! I almost wish Roberts connected just so hopefully it would end this match that much sooner!

Hanson: You might get your wish! Gabby up, kick to the gut, WHITE OUT…

Vinegar: And Gabby spins out of it, pulls Roberts face first into the steps, and in one spinning motion picks up a cinder block, and crushes the back of Roberts skull with it! These fans are going ballistic for the young woman! Roll him in the ring!

Hanson: I don’t think that matters in this match, but she is!

Vinegar: She doesn’t have a chance for a cover those as Travis almost seemingly out of instinct starts to stir.

***13:12…13:11…13:10…***

Hanson: Gabby sees this though, and decides to grab a ladder before heading into the ring while Travis rolls over the broken glass in the ring towards the center.

Vinegar: Gabrielle slides the ladder into the ring, no she runs, and slams that ladder into Travis’s head like a battering ram!

Hanson: That’s my gir…

Vinegar: And almost instantly Roberts shoots it back out right into Gabrielle’s bloodied face! That had to be pure adrenaline folks as Gabrielle is shot straight back and into our announce table!

Hanson: Adrenaline or pure god given toughness!

Vinegar: Roberts to his feet, head of steam, he launches himself over the top rope, and crashes hard into our table folks!

Hanson: SHE MOVED!

Vinegar: 34 Double D DDT into the rubble!!!

Hanson: They’re both just so spent though, she’s slow to the cover, Burke slow to the count…

Burke: 1!

Vinegar: This could be it!

Burke: 2!!

Hanson: KICK OUT! Travis kicks out!

Vinegar: Both competitors still on the floor though, still laying in the ashes and glass and blood!

***11:15…11:14…11:13…***

Hanson: Gabby first up, and now rolling Travis back into the ring.

Vinegar: She follows him in, pulls him up…

Hanson: Significant Impact from the TWiSTeD Icon!

Vinegar: And I think Gabby hit the back of her head on some kind of iron ingot!

Hanson: Finally now Roberts with the cover!

Burke: 1!

Vinegar: I don’t know how much more either of these two can take!

Burke: 2!!

Hanson: Only as much more as it takes. That’s how much more!

Burke: 3!!...

Vinegar: And this time is Gabrielle who kicks out!

Hanson: Roberts looks beside himself!

Vinegar: Travis with that ingot now, and repeatedly smashing it over the head of Gabrielle!

Hanson: She’s trying to cover up, but with a 15 pound piece of iron being beat into your skull.

Vinegar: Roberts looks like he’s giving up on the iron though, and he’s taken one of Gabrielle’s hands.

Hanson: TWiSTeD Tourniquet!

***9:44…9:43… 9:42…***

Vinegar: Does Burke even have to ask? After all she’s already been through, she is not going to tap out.

Hanson: She wouldn’t give up anyway! MY GABBY does not give up!

Vinegar: Roberts pulling back, hard. He’s wrenching on that arm, and if she doesn’t give up I think he’s going to break it!

Hanson: And all that’ll mean is MY GABBY’ll have to fight with one arm! Which means I bet she’d fight with one arm for her chance at the Unified Global Title, and love it! Her for chance to prove she’s more that a piece of eye candy, and stand proud as the best the GIW has to offer regardless of race or color or creed or in the Rainbow Dragons case choice of lifestyle!

Vinegar: You know until that last line you had me thinking we should be idolized for our diversity and aired seven nights a week.

Hanson: I don’t know if I could take this seven nights a week! I don’t like the screams of anguish as much as yo momma, and Gabby is in a world of hurt!

***8:01…8:00…7:59…***

Vinegar: One has to wonder how much longer Roberts will hold Gabrielle in this hold. How much more damage will he inflict on that arm!

Hanson: One has to wonder how you got your job! Why would Travis let go? Gabby’s going to have to make him let go!

Vinegar: And I think she’s getting ready to just that! She’s been struggling and pulling Roberts despite the pain, she’s got him almost positioned now near one of those corners…

Hanson: OH GOD I ALMOST PASSED OUT!

Vinegar: Great flexibility by Gabrielle there as she brings her foot almost straight up and over her head to kick the turnbuckle… and a again… what is she trying to…

*BOOM!!!*

Hanson: OH MY GOD THAT WAS BRILLIANT!!!

Vinegar: Gabrielle got Travis’s head close enough to the bottom turnbuckle, and then started kicking the corner pad until it exploded!

Hanson: And Roberts lets go of the hold and now rolling in agony after having c4 explode in his face!

***6:00…5:59…5:58…***

Vinegar: And now it’s Gabrielle’s turn as she locks in that Enviable Submission!

Hanson: And Roberts still almost convulsing in the ring just grinding those tacks and shards of glass into his body. What the hell is wrong with him! Why is Burke asking again?

Vinegar: It’s his job, that’s why.

Hanson: Roberts has to figure something out here! I don’t think he can bend like MY GABBY!

Vinegar: I hope not.

Hanson: Travis Roberts can do anything!

Vinegar: Well Roberts seems to be frantically searching for any escape.

Hanson: Gabby looks like she’s having a hard time holding that lock.

Vinegar: It must be the blood and sweat. It gets slippery.

Hanson: I think this is it! Roberts falling to the outside feet first, MY GABBY still has that Enviable Submission locked in, but she’s suspended in the air by Roberts tall frame, he spins…

Vinegar: And skull first Gabrielle slams into the ring post! SHE’S OUT COLD!

Hanson: Gabrielle falls to the coals and glass and tacks in a heap, but Roberts doesn’t look much better as he collapses into the safety glass barrier!

***4:55…4:54…4:53…***

Vinegar: Both of these two have absolutely left it all out here, I’m not sure how they’re going to finish this match.

Hanson: Like champions that’s how!

Vinegar: Roberts now pulling himself from the blood smeared glass, and now has a hold of the blood matted hair of Gabrielle.

Hanson: He throws the Diamond Princess into the ring, Roberts climbing to the top turnbuckle.

Vinegar: I don’t know if he was just careful or lucky to pick a turnbuckle that’s already exploded, but he’s taking his damn sweet time getting there.

Hanson: Lets see you get blown up, dropped in hot coals, cut and beat on by anything anyone can get their hands on, and see how fast you climb to the top barbwire rope!

Vinegar: Flying elbow

Hanson: AND MY GABBY COUNTERS WITH A GABUSTER!!!

***4:04…4:03…4:02…***

Vinegar: And again Gabrielle pays the price with that landing!

Hanson: And a bargain! I bet you! Here’s a cover!

Burke: 1!

Vinegar: Roberts is out cold!

Burke: 2!!

Hanson: This is it!

Burke: 3!!...

Vinegar: How did he get that shoulder up!

Hanson: I don’t think it matters, cause Gabby aint wasting time. She’s forcing herself back up, has a hand full of Roberts hair, curbstomp…

Vinegar: Roberts sweeps the leg before Gabrielle can connect, he’s up, slingshot into the turnbuckle!

*BOOM!!!*

Vinegar: MY GOD, and Gabrielle staggers out of the corner, schoolboy rollup!

Burke: 1!

Hanson: I think I finally get it what you were saying about maybe not being win win.

Burke: 2!!

Vinegar: And Gabrielle kicks out at two!

Hanson: Slow to his feet, but Roberts up, and now pulling Gabby up.

Vinegar: Full Nelson Slam! The pace has slowed to a methodical battered tempo. For the sake of them both this match has to end soon!

Hanson: Yeah but Gabby’s got like her seventh or either wind, and is already starting to force herself up!

Vinegar: And right into a big melty boot from Roberts!

Hanson: Roberts picks up a Nintendo Wii and unceremoniously chucks it at Gabby! Spiking it off her head!

Vinegar: Here’s a cover!

Burke: 1!

Hanson: And she kicks out! She will not be denied!

***2:02…2:01…2:00***

Vinegar: Can Roberts stop this woman! Is it possible!

Hanson: I don’t know, but he’s slowly going to the outside while she’s pushing back to feet.

Vinegar: Roberts back in, and he’s brought a kitchen sink.

Hanson: Gabby’s found what looks like a carburetor off of a ’78 Chevy!

Vinegar: Roberts unloads with that sink taking Gabby to a knee!

Hanson: But she fires back with that carburetor! And Roberts is staggered!

Vinegar: Another shot with that sink!

Hanson: Another shot with that carb.

Vinegar: Back and forth! Sink then carburetor then sink then carburetor!

Hanson: This match has developed into nothing else but a slug fest. MY GABBY and Roberts toe to toe punching it out. Neither willing to give in. To succumb to the fatigue!

Vinegar: Roberts gaining the upper hand after that last shot! Gabby doesn’t answer back, Roberts rears back…

Hanson: One Calculating Shot! She was playing possum! She’s trying to make the pin. She’s got nothing left!

Vinegar: Here’s the cover!

Burke: 1!

Hanson: This has got to be it! Please, live to fight another day!

Burke: 2!!

Vinegar: This is why Roberts lives though!

Burke: 3!...

Hanson: Kick out oh god another kickout!

***0:40…0:39…0:38…***

Vinegar: Now it’s Gabrielle who can’t believe it! Again the Goddess of Elegance has to get to her feet.


***0:31…0:30…0:29…***


Hanson: She’s trying with all she’s got left to pull Roberts back up.

Vinegar: Could be trying for that snapmare reverse DDT.

***0:25…0:24…0:23…***

Hanson: She’s got him, pulls him…

Vinegar: He pushes her off, takes a long step forward, and connects with a leaping bulldog into that corner!

*BOOM!!!*

Hanson: My God he just blew up her face!

***0:19…0:18…0:17…***

Vinegar: Gabrielle is knocked back by the blast, and Roberts is hung up in the barbwire. Sheer desperation move, but it has paid off!

Hanson: Travis Roberts doesn’t get desperate. That’s just how much this match means to him. To her. To them both. I don’t think either of these two could live with knowing they had anything left in their soul when this match is over.

Vinegar: Roberts now finally out of the barbwire trap.

***0:11…0:10…0:09…***

Hanson: Hold on, Gabby up, she hits the corner, Travis to his feet, she’s up, MOONSAULT…

Vinegar: Michinoku Driver To Gabby!

Hanson: Here’s the cover!

***0:06***

Burke: 1!

Vinegar: DJS now heading to the ring. I think he, like me honestly am a little afraid what’s gonna happen when that timer reaches zero.

***0:05***

Burke: 2!!

Hanson: You bring up a good point, and while I look at the Plexiglas, you know what? I’m not sticking around to find out!

***0:04***

Burke: 3!!!

Vinegar: And that’s it folks! This one is over, and Diamond Jack isn’t hesitating to pull Gabrielle out the ring. She’s motioning for him to get Travis!

***0:03***

Vinegar: There goes Glenn Burke high tailing it out of Dodge! My partner is under the table.

***0:02***

Dennis: Ladies and gentlemen here is your winner and still Unified Global Champion Travis Roberts!

***0:01***

Vinegar: DJS has them both out of the ring, I’m heading under the table too, see you in Australia...

***0:00***

The lights in the arena shut off with a ‘clug’ before flashes start to envelope the ring leading to a huge magnetism flash from the center of the ring igniting and explosion that decimates the ring and slams timber and steel against the Plexiglas barrier. The final image shows DJS dragging Roberts and shielding Gabrielle while being engulfed in the fireball.

Travis Roberts: 6

Gabrielle: 4

[T-Robosaurus Rex]

No Holds Barred: Rising Sun
Credits

Opening Video
Moss Edwards

Iron Man Tables Match
The Auteur

Killer Kaiju Match
Moss ‘Seriously he didn’t write the WHOLE show’ Edwards

Towering Inferno Match
BoolZ

Climb of Faith tag Title Match
T-Rob

Unified Global Title Number 1 Contender
Valhalla Burial Match
A-Kis

Damascus vs Cyanide
The Magnificent P

Boss P and MJ
T-Rob

Dragons Cave Match
T-Rob

GIW Unified Global Championship Deathmatch of Doom
Randy ‘BOOM’ Boolzian

Editor
T-Rob