UGWC Presents: Nightmare at Gnaw Bone!

[UGWC Staff]

Vinegar: Welcome to the Nightmare at Gnaw Bone!

Covert Jay: Huttah!

Lieberjosch: This is insane.

Covert Jay: What do you mean?

Lieberjosch: As I understood it, UGWC has been out here for weeks building temporary accommodations.

Vinegar: That's true.

Lieberjosch: And this is what we get? A disused field on a huge old farm that hasn't been cared for in ages?

Vinegar: Well...

Lieberjosch: Who thought it was safe to allow fans here? There's unkempt brush, random corpses of trees, and I think that over there is rusted old abandoned farming equipment.

Covert Jay: Would you rather be in the farmhouse?

Lieberjosch: Goodness no, I'm glad we can't see it from here.

Vinegar: In any case, we've got six big matches here tonight, four championships on the line, and these matches are certain to be as brutal as they come.

Lieberjosch: Can we get them started then?

Covert Jay: Excited much?

Lieberjosch: The sooner we start, the sooner we can leave.

[UGWC Staff]

The outdoor arena is buzzing with excitement as we are kicking off the pay per view!
 
Leighberjosch: This is bullshit. I don’t know why we are out here.

Vinegar: Just, can you please… just do your job?

Leiberjosch: You know what? No, no I can’t.

Covert Jay: C’mon Hans, just be professional.

Leiberjosch: NONE OF THIS IS PROFESSIONAL.
 


 
 
The Time is Now hit's to play as he walks out on stage. He talks to the camera man and bounces a little. He holds up his “Never Give Up” logo flag and tosses it to the fans. He salutes and runs straight down towards the ring. He bounces off the ropes side to side and he holds up his “Hustle, Loyalty, and Respect” shirt. He takes off his hat and tosses his shirt to the fans and hands his Chain to the ref to begin to fight.
 
Mitchell Dennis: Introducing first. Weighing in at 260 lbs… The self proclaimed Surgeon of Thuganomics…. JOOOHHHHHNNNNN BBBLLLLLAAAAADDDDEEEEE!!!!!!!
 
Vinegar: Here comes John Blade. A lot can be said about this new talent. And we-

Leiberjosch: Talent? ARE YOU KIDDING ME?

Covert Jay: Can we just do this without you?

Vinegar: Look. We have a job to do. Do it, or don’t.

The outdoor arena falls silent. The sound of a phone ringing is heard over the speakers. A woman picks up.
 
Woman: Hello?
 
Caller: Hellloooo Sydney….
 
Just then, the phone cuts out and the laugh of Ghostface can be heard. The outdoor arena falls silent again. And without warning, the opening drum beats of “My Will Be A Deadman” by Project 86 blares over the PA system.
 



 
The smoke machine flows across the stage as Dave Rydell steps out onto it. He is sporting his long black trench coat. He has his half of the UGWC Co-Operative Championships in one hand, slightly dragging across the ground. His hood is up and he is sporting a variation of his mask. It’s his normal mask, but in the shape of Ghostface from Scream.
 
Dave walks down the ramp, looking very intent. He slides into the ring and sets his title down before removing his trench coat and tossing it to the outside. He turns right around and stares right at John Blade, with his mask still on.
 
Mitchell Dennis: And his opponent. From Fredericksburg, VA. Weighing in at 211 lbs. He is one half of the UGWC Co-Operative Champions… THE VIRUS OF LIFE… DAAAAVVVEEEEE RRYYYYYYYDDDEEEEEELLLLLLLLLL!!!!!!!!!
 
Leiberjosch: And to top it off, we have to kick the show off with this guy. Seriously?!

Vinegar: Alright. Cool it. Just call the match.
 
DING DING DING
 
Dave stands there in the middle of the ring while John Blade walks up to him, laughing at the mask. Clearly scoping out Dave’s outfit, and talking smack. Dave tilts his head to the side while John just makes a mockery of him.
 
Vinegar: I don’t think John Blade knows what’s going on here today.

Covert Jay: Does he know what’s going on any day?

Leiberjosch: No. No he doesn’t.
 
John smirks and looks as if he’s going to walk away but doesn’t. He tries to sucker punch Dave but Dave blocks it and hits a stiff right to John’s face. John staggers back into the ropes. Dave rushes him with multiple knee strikes and body blows. He grabs John Blade by the scruff of the neck and hurls him over the top rope to the outside!
 
Vinegar: John was not prepare for Dave Rydell.

Leiberjosch: That says more about John than it does Dave. Dave isn’t hard to prepare for.

Covert Jay: Well, at least you’re commentating.
 
Dave follows to the outside and rips his mask off. He tosses it to the side before going under the ring and pulling out a replica of Jigsaw and the tricycle. John is getting up but goes right back down as Dave uses the tricycle to smack him across the back. Dave tosses the Jigsaw replica doll into the ring and goes back under the ring. He pulls out a Freddy Kreuger glove with blades and puts it in the ring as well.
 
Vinegar: Dave understood the assignment here tonight.

Covert Jay: I wonder what other things he’s going to use. Hmmm..
 
Dave goes back under the ring and grabs a dulled out machete and a Jason hockey mask. He puts on the hockey mask and tosses the machete in the ring. He grabs John Blade and slams his head off the apron before rolling him back into the ring. John tries to crawl away but Dave is right behind him. He pulls John up but John grabs the Jigsaw doll and throws it at Dave’s head, but Dave dodges it. It slowed him down enough to create some space.
 
Covert Jay: What’s the over under on the length of this match?

Vinegar: 6 minutes, tops.

Covert Jay: I’m going to say 4.

Vinegar: Whoever is closest wins an order of nachos.

Covert Jay: DEAL!
 
John is up and Dave is in pursuit. Dave swings for a clothesline but John ducks under and rolls away. He turns and charges at Dave, getting him trapped in the corner! John hits a body shot on Dave but the next one is blocked! Dave shoves John back and grabs the dulled out machete before John can react. He whacks John over the forehead with it, busting him open! Dave stands there over a downed John Blade, raising the machete overhead!
 
Vinegar: Approaching 3 minutes!

Covert Jay: C’monnnnnn Dave! Wait it out!
 
Dave pulls John up and whips him into the corner. He loses the hockey mask, because why keep it on? Dave follows up with a running knee strike to the gut. He pulls John out of the corner but John hits a thumb to the eye! Dave staggers back and John gets Dave on his shoulders. He’s going for the Fireman’s Carry Powerslam!!! Dave floats out over the back and drops John with the Virus of Life!!!!!!!
 
Vinegar: Oh man! This might be over sooner than we though!

Covert Jay: FOUR MINUTES HAS ELAPSED!!!!

Vinegar: 61 seconds is all I need!

Leiberjosch: You two are ridiculous.

Covert Jay: Oh. You’re still here?
 
Dave grabs the Freddy glove and puts it on. John is staggering up to his feet and turns right into Dave, who slashes him across the chest with the blades!!!!! John clutches his now bloody chest and staggers around the ring! Dave laughs and drops the glove. John spins around again and catches a superkick to the midsection! Dave comes off the ropes and hits him with the RYDELL STOMP!!!!!! Dave drops into the cover!
 
 
 
 
 




 
1!!!!!!!!!
 






 
 
2!!!!!!!!!



 
 
 


 
3!!!!!!!!!!!



 
 
DING DING DING!!!!!
 
Mitchell Dennis: Here is your winner….DDDDAAAAAVVVVVEEEEEE RRRRYYYYDDDDEEEELLLLLLLLL!!!!!!!
 
Vinegar: Imagine that. 5 minutes exactly.

Covert Jay: Bullshit.

Vinegar: Split an order?

Covert Jay: You son of a bitch. I’m in.

Leiberjosch: I’m not eating a damn thing from this place. You two are nuts.

Covert Jay: Good. More for us.

[UGWC Staff]

Vinegar: So, Hans, what do you think of our venue?

Lieberjosch: I hate this place. It’s as creepy as hell and I protest these working conditions!

Covert Jay: Stop being a little beotch!

Lieberjosch: What’d you just call me?

Covert Jay: You heard me.

Vinegar: Settle down, Hans. I admit that this location is…different.

Lieberjosch: “Different”? New Orleans during Mardi Gras is “different.” This is insane, a genuine slice of hell.

Vinegar: I think you’re being a tad melodramatic.

Lieberjosch: I feel legitimately under threat here.

Vinegar: Nothing’s going to happen to you.

Lieberjosch: I expect a portal to hell to open up under my seat.

Covert Jay: That might make this broadcast more fun.

Lieberjosch: Oh? You want to be rid of me?

Covert Jay: I didn’t say that.

Lieberjosch: But you did.

Vinegar: No he didn’t. It was a joke.

Lieberjosch: I don’t care. This place is insane. We’ve willingly walked into the funny farm and asked for beds in the guest house! I didn’t sign up for this!

Vinegar: Technically, you did. It’s a part of our job.

Lieberjosch: It’s part of YOUR job. I didn’t sign on for this!

Vinegar: What’re you saying, Hans?

Lieberjosch: I’m not putting my life in danger for this company! I’m OUT of here!!

Vinegar: Ladies and gentlemen, Hans Lieberjosch has stood up and…walked away from our broadcast position.

Covert Jay: He peaced out like a little beeatch!

Vinegar: I don’t think that’s necessary, Jay. In fairness to Hans, this place is… unnerving.

Covert Jay: It feels like “Psycho” meets “Freddy Kreuger.”

Vinegar: I’m certain that The AstroCreeps would take that as a compliment.

Covert Jay: It wasn’t meant as an insult! I don’t want to get randomly eaten by… weird stuff.

Vinegar: I appreciate your specificity, Jay.

Covert Jay: Am I wrong?

Vinegar: No, and the mental image of the reaction that would’ve provoked from Hans is pretty funny.

Covert Jay: I don’t think John Blade thinks it’s very funny.

Vinegar: Most people don’t tend to greet defeat with a smile.

Covert Jay: The Surgeon of Thuganomics is…unique. Word Life!

Vinegar: Sure.

Covert Jay: Well now we get to watch a “Last Blood” match. I don’t get how this works, but there’s blood, so…fun!

Vinegar: Did you shotgun a case of “Red Bull” before the show again?

Covert Jay: No?

Vinegar: It bothers me that you phrased that as a question.

Covert Jay: You’ll find out as we go if you should be worried or not.

Vinegar: Great... To explain the one thing I can explain to you, Jay, is that this is a reverse “First Blood” match. The LAST person to bleed, wins, and it’s an elimination-style match for the vacant Conquest Championship.

Covert Jay: So, it’s a Last Man Standing and Bleeding match?

Vinegar: Sure?

Covert Jay: It bothers me that you phrased that as a question.

Vinegar: Basically, Jay, if you bleed, you’re eliminated, and the last person to bleed, or not bleed at all, wins.

Covert Jay: Oh. I suppose that makes sense.

Vinegar: Good. It can be argued that all three participants in this match have something to prove, although Travis Pierce would certainly deny that.

Covert Jay: He has accomplished a lot. He’s the “Charisma King”, after all!

Vinegar: Now he gets to prove it. I don’t think he’s in for an easy time against such experienced opponents. Both Holden and Konrad feel like they’re a bit behind the eight ball right now.

Covert Jay: I don’t see an eight ball.

Vinegar: Given where we are, it’s not out of the realm of possibility that you could. My point is that both Holden and Konrad feel like they must prove something. Konrad because he feels continually disrespected and has his new...crusade...against sportsmanship in wrestling.

Covert Jay: And Tourette’s!

Vinegar: I’m not getting into that, although I will say that there are those backstage and in the locker room who have their doubts and think that he’s claiming it so that he can drop continual f-bombs without looking...unprofessional.

Covert Jay: Homeboy does carpet f-bomb now!

Vinegar: He does, and some don’t think it makes him look bad. He says he does it because of how angry he is. Now he’s getting a good chance to get some of that anger out by being as violent as he wants to be.

Covert Jay: He’s gotta face the Hipster Hard-ass and the “Charisma King”!

Vinegar: I don’t think that’s a moniker for Holden.

Covert Jay: I thought it sounded good.

Vinegar: It’s another moniker.

Covert Jay: Thanks!

Vinegar: Let’s go to Mitchell for the ring announcements.

Mitchell Dennis: The following match is a “Last Blood” match! The rules are simple. When a competitor bleeds, he’s eliminated, and the last man to bleed wins and becomes the NEW UGWC Conquest Champion!!! Introducing first...



Cold by Static-X plays over the sound system as Konrad comes out through the curtain with his flanged German mace, wearing his blue and black facepaint with his black and blue gear along with his wrestling trousers with his nickname The Black Ice on the back of them with Pit Bull Energy logos on the side of his trousers with black gloves on both of his hands. He has the blue and black yin-yang tattoo on his right shoulder and Iceman from X-Men tattoo on his back, ice wolf tattoo on his left chest, ice bear tattoo on his right chest and flame cage tattoo on his left shoulder. Also has a penguin, walrus, and a polar bear stitched on the left-hand side of his chest, stating Stop Climate Change.

Mitchell Dennis: “From Cologne, Germany, he is The Black Ice, Konrad Raab!”

He ignores the fans due to his focus on wanting to fight in the ring as he walks down the ramp with his flanged German mace with him. He goes up the stairs before going in between the ropes and laying the flanged German mace on the turnbuckle. He then sits down in the corner of the ring with the crowd booing for him, having a nasty look in his eyes as ring staff take Konrad's flanged German mace away while Konrad's waiting for the match to start.

Covert Jay: How’s anyone going to be able to tell when he’s bleeding when he has that face paint on?

Vinegar: It’s not like he only bleeds out of his head.

Covert Jay: True.

Dennis: Introducing the SECOND participant...



Pyros explode on the opening rifts of the song, and as the music softens Travis Pierce comes out from backstage and walks to the ring.

Mitchell: Hailing from Los Angeles, California. He stands at six feet, one inch tall and weighs in at two-hundred and twenty pounds. He is the “Icon of Entertainment,” ladies and gentlemen, he is TRAAAAVISSSSS PIEEEEEEERRRRRCE!!!

Vinegar: Pierce looks focused

Covert Jay: Heyooo!!

Vinegar: Raab jumps Pierce from behind with a reverse DDT before Mitchell can introduce Holden! He locks Pierce into a Dragon Sleeper and barrages him with bare-knuckle punches to his forehead!

Covert Jay: He can’t win the match before he can win the match!

Vinegar: Sadly, that actually made sense.

Covert Jay: Raab is a wildman!

Vinegar: He leaps up and chases Mitchell from the ring! He turns to go after Sam Green but walks right into

Covert Jay: “The Truth Hurts”!!

Vinegar: Raab flops over onto the canvas and Pierce leaps onto him, hammering away with elbows to his forehead!

Covert Jay: Where’s Holden?

Vinegar: His music hasn’t played, although I’d imagine he’s curious as to why that is.

Covert Jay: Not if he’s busy putting his new puzzle together!

Vinegar: For any other talent than holden, I’d scoff at that.

Covert Kay: That’d be gimmick infringement!

Vinegar: He didn’t create the word, Jay.

Covert Jay: Right now Pierce is creating knuckle sandwiches!

Vinegar: Sam finally pushes Pierce off Raab and orders him back to his corner. Pierce pushes back and tries to get around him. Sam pushes him back towards his corner, telling him to stay in it. Pierce argues back that Raab sucker punched him, and he has a right to defend himself.

Covert Jay: Chandelieeeeeerrrr!!!

Vinegar: He caught Pierce right in the stomach with it!

Covert Jay: it’s a good thing it wasn’t his face!

Vinegar: Raab rushes at Holden, only to catch the chandelier in the same place! He drops to his knees and Holden hits him in the back with it before Sam takes it away and drops it over the top rope. Holden isn’t happy about this but advances on Pierce as Sam calls for the bell.

Covert Jay: So many pre-match shenanigans!

Vinegar: Holden turns and

Covert Jay: Shenaaaaaaanigans!

Vinegar: I see that the “Red Bull” is kicking in.

Covert Jay: I see smells!

Vinegar: Oh God…

Covert Jay: Sunshine on my shoulder makes me happyyyyy

Vinegar: Kill me now.

Covert Jay: The weird-looking masked guy just kicked "pretty fly for a white guy" in the face!

Vinegar: Get a grip, Jay.

Covert Jay: The world is vibrating!

Vinegar: Speaking of “vibrating”, Holden drives a vicious punch into Pierce’s stomach, that lifts him off the canvas. He throws and lands another, and a third! Pierce stumbles backwards and falls through the first two ropes to the floor. He turns and looks for Raab, who blitzes at him, yelling like a lunatic.

Covert Jay: SPEAH!!!!

Vinegar: Raab takes Holden down and starts hammering his head into the mat.

Covert Jay: Shades of Bordy!

Vinegar: He rolls Holden over and begins pummeling him with cross-face strikes! With each strike, he makes sure to grind his knuckles across Holden’s face.

Covert Jay: How vicious! I have a question.

Vinegar: What’s that?

Covert Jay: If his knuckle bleeds, would that eliminate him?

Vinegar: I would think so.

Covert Jay: That would be an embarrassing way to lose.

Vinegar: I’m sure it would only make him angrier and more violent.

Covert Jay: Ninjaaaa!!!

Vinegar: Raab just tried to suplex Holden from the ring! Holden lands on his feet, but stumbles and he goes backwards through the ropes and out to the floor! Raab turns just in time to see Pierce get to his feet. He dashes across the ring and dives through the ropes!

Covert Jay: He drives Pierce back first into the Micronesian announce table!

Vinegar: He pulls him up!

Covert Jay: This is going to be ugly!

Vinegar: Powerbomb onto the floor! He yanks Pierce back up and yells into his face.

Covert Jay: Was that a swear in Germany?

Vinegar: I don’t know, but it might be in German.

Covert Jay: Haha.

Vinegar: He hoists Raab up…

Covert Jay: EMERALD FLOOOOOSIONNNN!!!

Vinegar: Lay of the “Red Bull”, Jay.

Covert Jay: I got a little excitable.

Vinegar: I noticed. Try not to yell into the headset like that.

Covert Jay: Sorry.

Vinegar: Raab pulls Pierce back up, it looks like he’s going for an electric chair drop.

Covert Jay: Into the ring apron!

Vinegar: I’d be amazed if Pierce isn’t bleeding after that!

Covert Jay: It’s the hardest part of the ring, you know.

Vinegar: Haha.

Covert Jay: I thought it was funny. Did you hear that thud?

Vinegar: Yes, that wasn’t funny, least of all to Pierce. Raab watches Pierce roll onto the floor and turns to look up into the ring.

Covert Jay: Where’s Holden?

Vinegar: He’s not in the ring.

Covert Jay: Whoa!!

Vinegar: Raab turns right into a leaping, twisting upcut from Holden that sends him flying backwards. Hs slams into the ringside barrier and slumps to the floor. Holden charges at him, leaps, and drills into him with a dropkick. He chains off them with a set of vicious knee strikes.

Covert Jay: Raab’s gonna have one hell of a headache in the morning.

Vinegar: Chairshot to Holden from Pierce! Holden stumbles away and Pierce hits him across his back again! Pierce lifts the chair and backs up a step, daring Holden to turn around!

Covert Jay: That’s one interpretation of “head rest”!

Vinegar: Not the preferred one!

Covert Jay: No one likes a headrest to the nuts!

Vinegar: Pierce drops the chair and slumps to the floor. Konrad steps forward and raises the chair!

Covert Jay: Ring my be-ell-ell!

Vinegar: Pierce with the low blow from behind!

Covert Jay: That’s not a necktie anyone wants!

Vinegar: Pierce wraps a cord around Raab’s neck and throws him into the side of the ring, then whips him around into the ring barrier before he kicks him in the back of his knee, taking him down to one knee.

Covert Jay: I think he’s trying to kill him!

Vinegar: Pierce has a foot planted in Pierce’s back and is pushing down on him while he pulls back with the cable!

Covert Jay: I don’t see Holden.

Vinegar: I don’t either.

Covert Jay: I bet Raab wished that he didn’t see Pierce!

Vinegar: Curb stomp! He doesn’t normally do those!

Covert Jay: That’s the wrong kind of facial!

Vinegar: What?

Covert Jay: What?

Vinegar: Pierce is whipping Raab!

Covert Jay: Kinky!

Vinegar: I don’t think that’s his intention.

Covert Jay: You don’t know that Raab doesn’t like pain.

Vinegar: Sometimes I worry about you, Jay.

Covert Jay: I’m not judging.

Vinegar: Pierce catches Raab across the face with the cable! Raab rolls into the ring, then out from it in front of us. Pierce walks around the other side and bowls Raab over. He looks under the ring and pulls a table out!

Covert Jay: Raab is almost to his feet.

Vinegar: Leaping knee strike from Holden!

Covert Jay: He just sent Raab over the ringside barrier!

Vinegar: Holden leaps from the apron!

Covert Jay: Fail!

Vinegar: Pierce catches him…suplex into the table!

Covert Jay: Oh god, that looked painful!

Vinegar: Holden bounces off of the table and onto the floor! Pierce pulls him up and spins…

Covert Jay: Powerbomb!

Vinegar: Holden bounced off of the table!

Covert Jay: God damn!

Vinegar: Holden slides down to the floor, drawing a satisfied smile from Pierce. Pierce takes a step forward.

Covert Jay: Air Lingus!!

Vinegar: What? Air Lingus is from Ireland!

Covert Jay: Oops.

Vinegar: What Jay’s trying to say is that Konrad leaped off of the barrier and flattened Pierce with a clothesline. Pierce stumbles back into the side of the ring. Raab walks up and drives a boot into his stomach, hoists him up, and slams him down onto the apron, leaving him slumped on it. Konrad climbs up on it, smiling maliciously.

Covert Jay: Good word.

Vinegar: Thank you. Raab pulls Pierce up into position for “Piles of Ice.”

Covert Jay: I think he calls it the “Flaming Driver” now.

Vinegar: Right. Good catch.

Covert Jay: Thank you.

Vinegar: He leaps…

Covert Jay: Reversal by Pierce!

Vinegar: He looks like he’s going for “The Breakdown” through the table!

Covert Jay: Oh shit!

Vinegar: Holden leaps in at the last second and pushes the table away! Pierce drives Raab straight into the floor!

Covert Jay: Face first!

Vinegar: Fuckemuppercut from Holden on Raab! He goes flying backward, slamming back first into the ring post!

Covert Jay: What the hell is on his arm?

Vinegar: It looks like he’s used tape to wrap a wrench around his wrist!

Covert Jay: How alliterative!

Vinegar: The question is whether or not it’s cut Raab open!

Cover Jay: I can’t tell, but Pierce is back up and he looks pissed!

Vinegar: Signing Off to Orson!!

Covert Jay: Pierce could put him away now!

Vinegar: He just tossed him aside and grabbed a chair as he advances on Raab, who’s still down. He grabs Raab, head down, and rolls him into the ring, following right after him.

Covert Jay: He’s kept Raab’s head hidden…

Vinegar: He just placed it over Raab’s head so that the seat is blocking the view of it, then whips him off of the ropes and runs back off of them opposite from him!

Covert Jay: “The Truth Hurts” onto the chair! Did you hear the sound that made?

Vinegar: Yes, but how much did he sacrifice himself? And is Raab bleeding?

Covert Jay: I don’t know!

Vinegar: Pierce pulls the chair off of Raab’s head and looks down!

Covert Jay: Oh my!

Mitchell Dennis: Ladies and gentlemen, Konrad Raab has been ELIMINATED!!!

Vinegar: Raab is out! Look at his face!

Covert Jay: That’s gross! He looks like a fountain!

Vinegar: Look at Pierce, smiling from ear to ear!

Covert Jay: He’d better turn around…

Vinegar: I think this is a first…

Covert Jay: Yeah, and I didn’t think we had any more of those left!

Vinegar: Pierce turns around and his smile evaporates!

Covert Jay: Holden leaps!

Vinegar: Holy crap! Holden slams the chandelier down on Pierce’s head! Holden throws it over the ropes and onto the ringside table! He drags Pierce to the ropes and drags him out onto the apron…

Covert Jay: He’s not…

Vinegar: He is.

Covert Jay: That’s going to be brutal!

Vinegar: Jan Wnek Driver through the chandelier AND the table!

Covert Jay: HOLY SHIT!!!

Vinegar: Sam slides out of the ring as Pierce rolls over onto his back and Holden collapses to the floor!

Covert Jay: My GOD! He looks like shredded cheese!!

Vinegar: Sam is furiously calling for the bell as he signals to the back for the medical team!

Dennis: Ladies and gentlemen, Travis Pierce has been ELIMINATED!!! The WINNER of this match, and last to bleed and NEW CONQUEST CHAMPION... HOOOOLLLLLDEEEENNNNN OORRRRRRRSOOONNNNN!!!!

[UGWC Staff]

The lights suddenly drop, and in the silence, Ghost's "Hunter's Moon" to play with its haunting melody.

The music builds and lights flash, leading up to the chorus, signaling an arrival.

Though my memories have faded
They come back to haunt me once again
And though my mind is somewhat jaded now
It's time for me to strike again tonight
It's a hunter's moon

'The Bogeyman' JC steps out onto the stage, staring out at the audience and wearing a Michael Myers mask over his had, having embraced his new ghoulish persona. He watches the crowd react to him and then begins walking steadily to the ring. He enters the ring and climbs up to the middle rope, before ripping the mask off of his head and staring out at the audience. He then returns to the ring and prepares for his match.

Vinegar: JC has been on an unprecedented tear through UGWC.

Covert Jay: An outstanding showing in the Global Challenge was followed by a declaration of war on Ezra Wade.

Vinegar: No, JC just sees Ezra in the way.

Ezra Wolf makes his way out of the curtain as ‘California Love’ by A Joker’s Rage comes blaring out of the speakers and pauses at the top of the ramp. He heads towards the ring, slapping hands and singing along to his entrance music closely flanked by Mr. Pax. He walks up the stairs and hops onto the apron before stepping up onto the middle turnbuckle. He pauses to play the air guitar a bit before stepping on the top rope and jumping into the ring. As he lands, he rolls forward and ends up on one knee in the center of the ring. Ezra throws him arms and head back, letting out a primal scream before tearing off his entrance gear and title belts. He hands it all to Mr. Pax then takes a knee in his corner as he waits for the match to begin.

Covert Jay: Speaking of unprecedented success, Wolf has been a defending Cross Hemisphere Champion since Keeper of the Keys!

Vinegar: Less than a month later, he’d capture the Cooperative Championships with Dave Rydell, which is the second strap you see that he still carries.

Covert Jay: We’ll see if he still walks away with two after this Exploding Turnbuckles match!

Mitchell: The following contest is an Exploding Turnbuckles match, and is for the UGWC Cross-Hemisphere Championship!! Introducing first, from East Rutherford, New Jersey, “The Bogeyman”, JJJJJJJJJJJJCCCCCCCC!!

Vinegar: Nice welcoming pop from the Gnaw Bone residents.

Covert Jay: They’re probably hoping he burns this farm down again…

Mitchell: And his opponent, your reigning and defending Cross Hemisphere and Cooperative Champion, “The Red Eyed Warrior,” EEEEZZZZZZZZZRA WADDDDDDDDDDDEEE!

Covert Jay: What an ovation!

Vinegar: The last five months have been a Cinderella story, and everyone loves an underdog when they win.

Covert Jay: Ring that bell, Claude!

Vinegar: Starting off in rapid fashion as Ezra unleashes a series of muay thai strikes.

Covert Jay: JC finally cuts him off by catching his left leg and dropping an elbow into it.

Vinegar: Grabs Wolf back up and slings him toward a corner!

Covert Jay: The champ avoids the trap by leapfrogging the ropes…

Vinegar: But there’s JC with a massive forearm smash that knocks Wolf off the apron.

Covert Jay: Ezra lands on his feet, but The Bogeyman drops to a knee and grabs him by the head, then drags him back into the ring.

Vinegar: Guillotine choke!

Covert Jay: Ezra breaks free, then lunges for the ropes.

Vinegar: Point Break!

Covert Jay: The bigger man stumbles, Ezra with an interceptor spear that drives JC into the corner!

Vinegar: Oh! That turnbuckle exploded with acupuncture needles!

Covert Jay: The force knocked JC onto his back, with a few needles sticking out of his face!

Vinegar: Ezra scrambles for a cover…


1!!!






2!!!







Vinegar: JC kicks out!

Covert Jay: Ezra immediately attempts to get him to his feet, but pays for that when JC yanks him into a half and half suplex!

Vinegar: He whips Wolf toward the ropes…

Covert Jay: Big Boot of Death into the top turnbuckle!

Vinegar: A massive boxing glove on a spring explodes out, knocking Wolf off his feet.

Covert Jay: JC with a cover…



1!!!






2!!!






Vinegar: Ezra gets a foot on the rope!!

Covert Jay: There are still 10 more explosions ready to go.

Vinegar: I’m so sorry Hans is missing this.

Covert Jay: Me too.

Vinegar: Snicker.

Covert Jay: Snort.

Vinegar: JC was taking a short breather leaning against the ropes, but finally pulls himself up.

Covert Jay: He stalks over to where Wolf still lies holding his head.

Vinegar: Drop toe hold!

Covert Jay: It was a ruse!

Vinegar: Wolf kips up and bounces off the ropes.

Covert Jay: One legged dropkick to the side of JC’s head!

Vinegar: Ezra grabs him by the feet and drags him toward a corner.

Covert Jay: Slingshot into the corner!

Vinegar: BOOM! Salt in the eyes!

Covert Jay: JC spins around and drops to his knees, clawing at his eyes!

Vinegar: Kickin’ It Old School into a turnbuckle!

Covert Jay: Pepper!

Vinegar: Now he has the set.

Covert Jay: JC roars in frustration as the pepper mixes with the salt and gets in his eyes, nose, and mouth.

Vinegar: He’s sneezing, but he’s also swinging those massive arms, abandoning trying to wipe his face.

Covert Jay: Wolf dances around JC’s swings and goes for the turkey, getting him into DDT position aimed directly at the bottom turnbuckle!!

Vinegar: JC catches him!

Covert Jay: Suplex onto that bottom turnbuckle!

Vinegar: Insects! Centipedes, millipedes, fire ants, all sorts of creepy crawlies!

Covert Jay: They’re both suddenly covered!

Vinegar: Ezra and JC both dash away from that corner, slapping at their own faces and bodies.

Covert Jay: JC’s not watching where he’s going, but Ezra is!

Vinegar: Lightning Strike!

Covert Jay: Ezra rolls JC up!




1!!!






2!!!






Vinegar: JC shoves Wolf off him suddenly, breaking up the pin!

Covert Jay: He’s on the champ in an instant.

Vinegar: Dragon screw!

Covert Jay: Right into a dragon sleeper!

Vinegar: Red-eyed Warrior is fading!

Covert Jay: He droops…

Vinegar: JC drags him back to the corner and drops him face first onto a turnbuckle.

Covert Jay: Is that spaghetti sauce?

Vinegar: No, it’s SCHISM!!

Covert Jay: It’s still spaghetti sauce…

Vinegar: JC hooks the leg!




1!!!








2!!!









3- NO!!!

Covert Jay: Wolf kicked out at the last second!!

Vinegar: JC can’t believe it!

Covert Jay: He drags Wolf up, and lifts him up…

Vinegar: Wolf notices the ropes behind him, shoves his feet out…

Covert Jay: Modified DAUNTLESS DDT!! Onto a turnbuckle!

Vinegar: Blood!!

Covert Jay: Surely that’s paint?

Vinegar: We’re in Gnaw Bone… what do you think?

Covert Jay: Wearing a crimson mask of something else’s blood, JC is stunned for a moment.

Vinegar: He wipes his face and stares down at his bloody hands.

Covert Jay: KNEE JERK REACTION INTO A TURNBUCKLE!!

Vinegar: FIRE!

Covert Jay: A huge fireball just exploded in JC’s face!!

Vinegar: Wolf sees his moment, he slides in for the cover!




1!!!










2!!!









3–NOOOOO!

Vinegar: Chartreuse’s hand was centimeters from the mat!

Covert Jay: Shoulder was up, though!

Vinegar: How?!

Covert Jay: Pure instinct is the only way.

Vinegar: Wolf tries to go on the offensive again, but JC pulls him in for The Beginning of the End

Covert Jay: Wolf is fighting, trying to drag himself to the ropes.

Vinegar: JC takes a few steps to drag him back to the center, but the champ is still fighting!

Covert Jay: He finally lets go and backs off, letting Ezra climb shakily to his feet.

Vinegar: EPIPHANY into the corner!!

Covert Jay: Thumbtacks explode in Ezra’s face!!

Vinegar: He stumbles backward, right into…

Covert Jay: Solitaire Unraveling!

Vinegar: Here’s the pin…


1!!!





2!!!










3!!!!

Vinegar: He did it!

Mitchell: Your winner, and NEW UGWC CROSS-HEMISPHERE CHAMPION, JJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJCCCCCCCCCCCCCCC!!!

[UGWC Staff]

The outdoor arena is buzzing with excitement as the ring is set up for the Circus Death Match! We have the ring set up. Just above the ring is a spiderweb shaped razor wire net. Above that is a scaffolding going from one corner, to another corner across the ring! At each end of the scaffolding, attached to the railing, is a trashcan full of weapons. That's right. Two trashcans of weapons. On each end are ladders for the competitors to climb up. And here we go. 
 

 

 

The sound of a winding filmstrip can be heard as the arena is bathed in dim sepia light. A trumpet sounds accompanied by a spotlight emanating from the curtain. It backlights a man in a top hat, with a cane slung over his left shoulder. As a tinny voice begins to sing, the silhouetted figure moves along with the directions of the lyrics.

As you can see

I go back and forth

That's right

Side to side

Back and forth

Back and forth

Back and side to side

The music picks up some energy right as the spotlight switches to shine from the rafters, illuminating the grinning face of Montague Cervantes dressed in an elaborate jacket and a jauntily-cocked top hat. When the auto-tuned verse begins, "Listen to me, Listen to me" he starts making his way toward the ring, turning, flourishing, bowing, and two stepping along with the music. He makes his way to the ring and leaves his paraphernalia at ringside while he awaits his opponent.

Mitchell Dennis: Introducing first. From Berea, South Carolina. Representing the Astro Creeps... MONTAGUUUUUEEEEEE CEEEERRRRRRRRVVVVVAAAAANNNNTTTTTEEEESSSSSS!!!!!!!!

Nick Vinegar: Montague is a formidable opponent. He broke out onto the scene not lock ago here in UGWC and has accomplished so much!

Covert Jay: Yeah, but he's with the weirdo club. 

Nick Vinegar: The Astro Creeps?

Covert Jay: Blegh. Yeah. Those loonies. 





Ken Davison walks out onto the stage as the music blares. He is staring right at the structure has he heads down the ramp. Per usual, he is all business. He reaches the bottom of the ramp and goes to his corner at the base of his ladder. The music fades out and the referee instructs both men to climb up.

Mitchell Dennis: And his opponent. Weighing in at 219 lbs... he is the most recent winner of the Conquest Challenge.... KEN.... DAAAAAVVVVIIISSSSSOOOONNNN!!!!!!!!!!

Nick Vinegar: Here is Ken Davison. Recently completing the Conquest Challenge. And the two competitors are climbing up.

Covert Jay: To their destiny.

Nick Vinegar: Indeed my friend. Indeed.
  
 
DING DING DING
 

Ken and Monty are on opposite ends of the scaffolding. They start walking towards each other as it lightly sways with the movement. They both get about 2 feet away from each other before they start talking to one another. Trash talk, one would assume. Ken decides that the time for talking is done and swings with a right hand. Monty steps back and evades it. He grabs Ken who just grabbed onto the railing. He pulls back, but Ken’s grip is too tight and it pulls the pole rail from its place! Monty realizes this and steps back. Ken sees it and smirks before glancing at Monty!

 
Vinegar: These two are ready to get this over with quickly!

Covert Jay: I’ll say. Hang on. Have to set up another ninja decoy

Vinegar: Why?

Covert Jay: Protection.

 
Ken swings wildly with the piece of railing but Monty ducks it! Ken comes back with a back swing, nailing Monty in the head with the pipe! Monty staggers back! Ken looks and then throws the pipe! Monty is able to dodge it. The pipe hits the end railing and bounces up, then down off the scaffolding! Both competitors look as it falls to the razor net below. Monty looks up towards Ken, but Ken is already rushing towards him. Drop toe hold from Monty and Ken’s face bounces off the scaffolding! Monty hits a hard stomp on Ken before heading to the trashcan at the opposite end, that’s secured on the scaffolding railing. He pulls out a steel chair and heads back towards Ken.
 

Covert Jay: That chair hurts no matter what, but after this fight. It has to hurt a hell of a lot more.

Vinegar: Right you are, Jay. Say, how’s that decoy coming along?

Covert Jay: Oh good. You don’t see them. Perfect.

Vinegar: What?

Covert Jay: What?

 
Ken is up and rubbing his forehead, checking for blood. Luckily he’s in tact. He turns around right into a chair to the mid section from Monty! Ken is now doubled over and Monty smacks the chair right onto Ken’s back! Ken hits the scaffold, chest first. Montague takes the chair and turns it vertical. He drives the chair end right into the back of Ken Davison!!!! Ken screams out in pain as Monty takes the chair and hits him again! And again! And again! Monty tosses the chair behind him and pulls Ken up. He puts him up against the scaffold railing and starts to push him over, but Ken is resisting!

 
Vinegar: This could be it! Monty has been in control so far and this could be over before we get into it!
Covert Jay: NOT THE CONQUESTOR!

 
Ken is holding on tightly to the railing while Monty is trying to get him over and to the net below. Monty goes to reposition his arm for more leverage, but Ken takes the opportunity and punches Monty in the head! Monty staggers back but is stopped fast by the opposite railing. Ken charges at him to clothesline him over but there isn’t enough room for momentum so Monty barely budges as he is now hanging on tight. Ken starts clobbering him with numerous forearms to the body and head. Ken grabs Montague and sets him up for a suplex on the scaffolding, and the crowd is roaring with approval! Ken has him up! WAIT! MONTY IS KICKING HIS LEGS AND IS ABLE TO FLOAT OVER THE BACK!!! Monty grabs Ken from behind for a back suplex but Ken elbows out of it! He hits Monty with a faster than hell snapmare, following by a running knee to the back of the head!

 
Vinegar: That suplex could’ve done Montague in for this match. But he was not ready to quit! And you can never count him out!

Covert Jay: Well, no. There are no count outs in this match.

Vinegar: Well, you’re not wrong.

 
Ken takes a brief moment for himself before going to the trashcan closest to them and pulling out a kendo stick! He turns to see a rising Montague and whacks the kendo stick right across his back. Monty is trying to crawl away but can’t, as he gets hit once again! Ken continues the assault until the kendo stick breaks across Monty’s back! Ken looks at it and tosses the broken piece over the side. He stomps on Monty’s back and drops a knee in the same place. Ken pulls Monty up and smashes him face off the side railing, letting Monty fall back down to the scaffold floor. Ken goes over to the trash can closest to him, and digs around. Ken finds some rope and pulls it out, followed by a billyclub!
 

Vinegar: That billyclub is doing some serious damage! Ken has now taken control of this bout!

Covert Jay: This could be anyone’s match, Nick!

Vinegar: Absolutely. And these two men want to do one thing. Tear each other apart!

Covert Jay: I miss Hans.

Vinegar: Goodness, why?

Covert Jay: Hans is friend, not food.

 
Ken grabs Monty and hits him with the billyclub and then leans him against the side railing. He takes the rope and ties Monty up by both arms before just massacring him. He hits Monty with lefts and rights, following by multiple shots with  the billyclub. Ken takes the billyclub, then grabs Monty by the face and mouths something to him before bashing him in the face with it. Monty start bleeding from the head, profusely. Ken starts laughing at the damage that has been done and hits him one more time with the billyclub for good measure. Ken walks back to the trashcan. He wants to hurt Montague in the worst way.
 

Vinegar: Ken is really letting Montague have it. He has his sights on the World Title next. But first, he needs to dispose of Montague. And fast if he wants to survive this.

 
Ken pulls out a 2x4 that is wrapped in barbed wire. The crowd explodes again as Ken heads back to Monty. Monty sees what he has and starts struggling, trying to break free from the rope, but is unsuccessful. Ken gets closer and closer, preparing to swing. Monty waits for his moment and hits a swift kick right between Ken’s legs! Ken drops to his knees and drops the 2x4! Monty tries to break free from the ropes, but cannot! Ken tied the knots perfectly. Monty looks and assesses the situation, and uses his foot for leverage to break the pole from the railing! He looks stunned as he is free, and smiles through his crimson mask. Monty still has the pole in his hands and turns right to a rising Ken. He swings. HE MISSES! KEN DUCKED UNDER! Monty turns around, right into a SUPERKICK FROM KEN!!!! Both men fall down on the scaffolding!
 

Vinegar: A superkick from nowhere has just given Ken the opening he needed!

Covert Jay: A little sweet chin music, ay?

Vinegar: We’ve had enough copy right infringements for once night.

 
Ken is up to his feet first. Monty has crawled toward the trash can, while Ken is getting himself together. Ken heads over towards Monty and grabs him from behind, but he gets CLOBBERED BY A SET OF BRASS KNUCKLES! Ken’s face is busted wide the hell open as Monty hits him again with the brass knuckle!!!! Monty tosses the knuckles and grabs Ken from the scaffolding floor. He sets Ken up for a belly to belly suplex but Ken counters out! He grabs Monty and shoved him toward the end of the scaffolding. Monty quickly steps up. LAMENT FOR A TOY FACTORY ON THE FUCKING SCAFFOLDING!!!!!!! HOLY FUCKING SHIT BALLS IN A VICE!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Both men are fucking down. They are both down hard on the scaffolding floor. UNBELIEVABLE!!!!!


Vinegar: HOW DID HE MANAGE TO HIT THAT IN SUCH A CONFINED SPACE?!

Covert Jay: HE IS A WIZARD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Vinegar: No!

Covert Jay: A MAGICIAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 
Monty starts to stir well before Ken does. And rightfully so as Ken took the brunt of that flipping kick out of fucking nowhere. Monty stumbles forward and goes to the trashcan, once again. He pulls out a set of handcuffs, with the keys. He grabs Ken’s motionless arm and hooks them in the cuffs. Monty goes to hook the other end to the railing, but out of nowhere, Ken pulls away! Monty is stunned. He charges and swings a right hand. Ken catches him! JAW FUCKING DROPPER!!!! MONTY IS ABLE TO BREAK OUT OF IT AND NOT GET HIT! Monty grabs Ken from behind and sets him up for a full nelson! Ken breaks free of the hold and does it again. JAW DROPPER ON THE GODDAMN SCAFFOLDING!!!!!!!!!!!!!! OH MY FREAKING JESUS CHRIST ON A POGO STICK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 
Covert Jay: THE FREAKIN JAW DROPPER!

Vinegar: They are pulling out absolutely everything!

 
Ken cannot believe he hit that move whatsoever! He quickly uses his momentum and grabs Monty. He takes the empty cuff and punches Monty in the face multiple times. He reopened Monty’s previous cuts from the billyclub! Monty is bleeding all over again! Monty, acting purely on instinct tries to grab the empty cuff and snag it on the railing but Ken stops him and cuffs Monty! THE TWO ARE NOW CUFFED TOGETHER!!!! AND THEY CAN’T GET APART! The two look at each other. Monty is concerned. Ken is laughing so maniacally and evil like, that is makes MONTY LAUGH AS WELL!!! MONTY IS EXCITED?!
 

Vinegar: The look on Montague’s face is unreal. I cannot believe he is excited about this.

Covert Jay: Are we going to gloss over the handcuffs?!

Vinegar: Not at all. But this match has just taken a wild plot twist that is insane for even some horror flicks!

Covert Jay: You watch some lame horror flicks, pal.
 

Ken and Monty start slugging each other with their free hands. Left from Monty. Right from Ken. Ken with a headbutt! Ken with a body blow. Ken with a stomp to Monty’s foot. Monty tries to get away but can’t! Ken grabs Monty and tries to push him off the scaffolding but Monty is able to avoid it by reversing their positions. Ken is able to grab hold of the trashcan that’s secured to the side railing. Monty starts punching Ken’s hand but Ken hits a headbutt on Monty again. Monty staggers back, pulling Ken with him. Ken follows through with a shoulder block which drops Monty, but also pulls Ken down from the momentum! Ken is now in the mounted position on Monty and starts hitting forearm smashes. Monty monkey flips the handcuffed Ken and is now on top! Forearms from Monty!!! After this exchange they are both gassed. They both slowly get up and stare each other down. Ready to finish this.
 

Vinegar: The brutality we have seen in this match. I don’t think these two can handle another one like this.

Covert Jay: At least anytime soon that is.

 
Ken and Monty, both bloodied and battered, are swinging as hard as they can to knock the other one out and retrieve the handcuff keys. Monty with a left. Ken with a right. Their opposite hands? Still locked together! Ken with a knee strike to the mid section! Monty doubles over, but it jerks Ken down to his level. Monty musters what he can and shoots up with a headbutt to the chin! Ken staggers back, pulling Monty with him. Monty grabs Ken and smashes his face into the side railing! Ken drops down, completely out of it. Monty looks at the hand that is cuffed and then tries to find the keys but they are well out of reach as they’ve fought further away from them. Monty looks at his hand and starts to adjust his thumb. He presses… he presses… he presses… POP!!!! THE CROWD SCREAMS AS MONTY HAS JUST DISLOCATED HIS OWN THUMB TO SLIDE HIS HAND OUT OF THE HANDCUFFS!!!!
 

Vinegar: HE JUST BROKE HIS FUCKING THUMB!

Covert Jay: NINJA TACTICS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 
Monty stomps around in so much pain, holding his hand as he now has four capable fingers at the moment. He turns back to Ken, who is still out of it, but slowly getting up with the help of the railing. Monty staggers over and grabs the empty cuff and secures it to the hand railing! Ken is all out of sorts now as a rush of adrenaline has caused him to panic! Monty starts laughing maniacally as he goes back to the trash can and digs around. It’s somewhat empty at this point but he pulls out a flare gun! He continues to laugh as Ken sees this. He starts to panic more and more!!!! Ken is trying to break free but he can’t! Ken is absolutely helpless!! Monty aims and shoots the flair gun! He hits Ken right in the side with the flair gun! HOLY SHIT!!!!!!
 

Vinegar: HE JUST SHOT KEN DAVISON WITH A FUCKING FLARE GUN! WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON?!

Covert Jay: I’m just glad they signed the waivers before this match.

 
Monty goes to reload the flare gun but there are no additional rounds. He tosses the gun off the scaffolding and tries to find another weapon! He cannot! Monty tries to pull the trashcan off of the side of the scaffold but can’t! Ken is riving around in pain so much that he was able to force the pole he was secure to, out of it’s place. KEN IS FREE! Monty has no idea!! Ken is still riving in pain from the flare gun. He is holding his side as blood is coming out and there are scorch marks on his ribcage! He is up on his feet though! Monty turns around and is stopped dead in his tracks as he notices this. He puts his hands up to try and play nice but Ken is having none of it. Ken charges at him and leaps to tackle him. Monty somersaults underneath the jump! Ken lands on his feet! Monty pivots and lunges! He tackles Ken! They fall through the gap in the railing!!! BOTH MEN ARE FALLING TOWARD THE RAZOR NET BELOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! KEN CRASHES HALF A SECOND BEFORE MONTAGUE DOES!!!!!!! BOTH MEN ARE MOTIONLESS AS THE FINAL BELL SOUNDS AND THE CROWD IS ROARING!!!!!!!

 
DING DING DING!!!

 
Mitchell Dennis: HERE IS YOUR WINNER……. MONTAGUUUUUUEEEEEEEE CERRRRRRRRVVVAAAAANNNNNTTTTEEEESSSSSSSS

Vinegar: What a shocking ending! Montague Cervantes sacrificing his own body to achieve victory over the number one contender to the World Heavyweight Championship!

Covert Jay: Ken Davison challenges for the World Title in two weeks, but what kind of shape is he going to be in, as BOTH of these men are now being loaded onto stretchers!

Vinegar: My gawd, what a scene it is here. And look at this! What kind of sick man is Montague Cervantes!

Covert Jay: The Doctor-Professor is laughing as paramedics load his body onto the stretcher, he's happy with what he's done!

Vinegar: Wait a minute! Wait just a minute! Ken Davison, this is the damnedest thing, Davison is refusing medical attention!

Covert Jay: He's standing under his own power!

Vinegar: What a tough son of a bitch is Ken Davison! And now he's glaring at Cervantes, as if to tell him, you might have won the match, but you haven't broken me yet!

Covert Jay: We'll be right back with more!

[UGWC Staff]

Vinegar: We continue here at Gnaw Bone with another championship on the line!



]"God Hates a Coward" by Tomahawk begins. Tempest steps out slowly and Tempest gazes around behind his mask and grease paint. They make their way down to the ring as the front man rips into the PA system.

I've sown my seeds with a metric grosse
No footsteps go beyond it
I'll eat the death where the rooster crows
Flesh rodeos, yee-haw, it's
Just to push in your teardrops
Make you a cyclops
Breakin' the branches off your family tree

Tempest rolls into the ring and crawls into the center, tilting his head as the music continues to consume him. His eyes roll back as he crawls towards the ropes and lays against the middle, hanging his head and gazing into the crowd.

Pointin' the gun
Put my head in a noose
But I'm hangin' tough

He grins and sings along with the chorus, his body convulsing as he reaches the end. Shaking furiously, he stands and points finger guns out into the fans, laughing as he falls to his knees in the center of the ring.

Day, my, day, my, day, my, day, my,
Day, my, day, my, day, my, day, my

He finally crawls to his respective corner and pulls himself back to his feet, glaring through his mask.

Mitchell Dennis: The following contest is a Hangman’s Horror Match for the Chaos Championship! Introducing first, representing the Astro Creeps, TEMMMMPESSSSTTTT!!!!

Vinegar: As if the stakes weren’t high enough, Tempest has stated his intent to walk away from UGWC if he is not successful tonight here in Gnaw Bone.

Covert Jay: Tempest was the 2022 Entertainment Professional of the Year, one of the most dominant and unstoppable forces in UGWC in recent history, but he comes up against a champion that has proven himself an immovable object.

The lights in the arena dip to black in time with the sirens and beat to the opening of Sweatpants (BattleTapes Remix) by Childish Gambino, the lights then beginning to flash, alternating left and right onto the ramp. In time, the letters "S", "E", "B", and then "Empire" flash one at a time on the big screen until the lights stop flashing as the lyrics hit.

"She askin' “Why you say that?!”

The beat drops and the lights flash on the rampway again. As they do, the screen illuminates with "SEB" and then "EMPIRE" flashing on the sceen.

"Rich kid asshole, paint me as a villain"

Sebastian Everett-Bryce flings his arms wide, staring up with his head covered by the hood of his jacket. He stands in the middle of the ramp, the lights beating down on him, before looking out at the crowd. He wears a long jacket with the hood pulled up over his head, zipped to the waist. The jacket, which is cut away at the bottom and only runs down the back of his legs, is patterned with an elongated Union Flag, but it’s in black and white and appears to be cracked and broken. His tights are short, with the initials SEB emblazoned upon the front.

The lights lift, and SEB makes his way to the ring, stretching his neck from side to side as he walks, his eyes focused on the ring. He climbs up the steps and steps through the ropes before standing in the middle of the ring.

"I'm winnin', yeah, yeah, I'm winnin' (What?)
Rich kid, asshole, paint me as a villain"

He extends his arms once more before pulling back his hood and removing his jacket to reveal the back of his tights which read “S.E.B”

"Don't be mad cause I'm doing me better than you doing you
Better than you doing you, fuck it, what you gon' do? (What?!)"

He flashes his arms out to a side, a satisfied and somewhat sneery grin upon his face, he holds the position for a moment, to allow the crowd to take pictures, before moving towards his corner.

Mitchell Dennis: And his opponent, he is the reigning AND defending Chaos Champion, SEBBASSSTTIAANNN EVERETTTTTT BRYYYYYYCCCEEEEEE!!!!

Vinegar: Sebastian Everett-Bryce has been one of the most dominant champions in UGWC history, and you look at the names Seb has beaten during this reign, and it’s an impressive list. Tony Savage, Montague Cervantes, JC, Ken Davison, Donovan Hastings, and even Tempest himself.

Covert Jay: But it was two years ago that Tempest defeated Seb in a Towering Inferno Match to retain this same title, these two have been to war with each other, very evenly matched.

Vinegar: This Hangman’s Horror is a particularly sadistic setting.

Covert Jay: There are ropes hanging from the turnbuckles, you’ve got to hang your opponent from one of them to be victorious.

Vinegar: Really nothing about this evening has been a good or wholesome idea, has it?

Covert Jay: This is UGWC!

DING DING!!!

Vinegar: Each man cautious as we start this match, they both know intimately well what the other is capable of.

Covert Jay: Tempest and SEB waste little time clubbing each other in the middle of the ring. Tempest, getting the early advantage.
 
Vinegar: SEB is really struggling to get in some early offense as Tempest has him down on the mat already, clubbing him with ferocity.
 
Covert Jay: SEB is covering up and eventually finds an opening to reverse the roles. SEB gets Tempest on his back and begins clubbing away at his opponents head and face (well, mask).
 
Vinegar: SEB pulls Tempest up and drags him by the back of the head to the corner. He’s looking to end this early!
 
Covert Jay: Tempest is able to worm away and attack SEB from behind! He is clobbering SEB in the back of the neck!
 
Vinegar: Tempest hurls the Chaos Champion to the outside of the ring! And follows instantly! SEB is pulling himself up but gets caught by Tempest.
 
Covert Jay: Tempest just slammed SEB’s face right off the metal barricade fence thing!
 
Vinegar: He hurls SEB right into the ring post! Tempest is now under the ring, looking for something violent.
 
Covert Jay: Chaotic, dare I say?
 
Vinegar: Indeed you dare! Tempest has a lead pipe! And SEB just turned around right into it. Smashed in the forehead!
 
Covert Jay: Tempest swings again, nailing SEB right in the shoulder!!! And once more in the rib cage! Oh my goodness!
 
Vinegar: Tempest tosses the pipe to the side and goes back under the ring. Is that… is that a can of gasoline?!
 
Covert Jay: Oh I hope he isn’t using that! Phew! Good. He set it to the side.
 
Vinegar: Tempest just pulled out a massive mallet from under the ring. What in the world is under there?!
 
Covert Jay: SEB is staggering up from the pipe shots. He turns and sees the mallet swinging towards his face and he drops down, narrowly avoiding behind smashed!
 
Vinegar: That could’ve been really bad!
 
Covert Jay: A whole new meaning to Smash Mouth if that hit!
 
Vinegar: Hey now…
 
Covert Jay: You’re an all star!
 
Vinegar: Okay… Enough. That was not on purpose.
 
Covert Jay: But it worked!
 
Vinegar: Tempest is going for another swing! And SEB rolls behind him!
 
Covert Jay: SEB grabs Tempest and shoves him right into the ring post. SEB is not going down without a fight in this one.
 
Vinegar: Wouldn’t they be going up?
 
Covert Jay: Fair enough… SEB grabs Tempest and hits a northern lights suplex, right on the outside!!! That has got to hurt!
 
Vinegar: He just rolled Tempest back in the ring and followed right behind. He stomps on Tempest as he tries to get up. SEB heads to one of the corners and pulls one of the nooses down. What is he doing? That’s not how this works.
 
Covert Jay: He just wrapped his hand with the untied end of the rope. Tempest is starting to stir… WHAM! RIGHT HOOK TO THE FACE OF TEMPEST!
 
Vinegar: That has got to hurt! Uh oh… Tempest is rising back up! WHAM! Another right hand with the rope wrapped around it! SEB undoes the rope from his hand and twirls the end around as Tempest starts to stir again.
 
Covert Jay: What’s he doing he- OH MY GOD! HE JUST WHIPPED TEMPEST IN THE BACK WITH THE ROPE!
 
Vinegar: I do not want to be Tempest right now.
 
Covert Jay: I don’t want to be Tempest ever.
 
Vinegar: SEB is just whipping Tempest right now, multiple lashes to the back and legs of the challenger!!!! Tempest is riving in so much pain right now. And SEB just has a smirk on his face. He is enjoying all of this!
 
Covert Jay: SEB is tossing the rope down and rolling out of the ring. What is he up to right now? He sees the gas can… don’t think about it SEB!
 
Vinegar: He put the gas can in the ring… but why?! Now he’s under the ring searching for something. A TABLE! SEB just pulled out a wooden table and slid it into the ring. SEB is in right behind it and sets it up, leaned in the corner!
 
Covert Jay: SEB is stalking Tempest… He grabs him as he stirs… irish whip… REVERSAL! SEB JUST CRASH INTO THE TABLE BUT IT DIDN’T BREAK!
 
Vinegar: Tempest dropped to a knee. But he sees the damage wasn’t done. He charges at SEB but SEB rolls out of the corner to the middle of the ring.
 
Covert Jay: Tempest jumps! HE SPRINGBOARDS OFF THE TOP ROPE AND SPINS MID AIR! SEB is turning around!
 
Vinegar: TIPTOE THROUGH THE TULIPS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! HOLY SHIT, THAT WAS IMPRESSIVE!!!!!!!!
 
Covert Jay: Tempest grabs SEB and whips him into the table again, following it up with a vicious spear! He just shattered the table like it was glass, using SEB’s body as the main object!!!
 
Vinegar: Tempest rolls back away from SEB for a moment, looking around at the three remaining nooses. He gets up and drags SEB across the ring from the table shards.
 
Covert Jay: He pulls SEB around an pulls the noose down to put around the Chaos Champion’s neck, but SEB starts to fight back! He still has some fight in him! Tempest stomping away at the Champion, but it pushes SEB back to the outside of the ring!
 
Vinegar: Tempest sees SEB right there on the outside and leans through the ropes to get him. SEB pops up and sprays him in the face. Tempest is flailing about… what was that?!
 
Covert Jay: It was pepper spray!!!! SEB just pepper sprayed Tempest!!!!! SEB is back in the ring now and gets behind Tempest… German Suplex… THE ROLL THROUGH!! CAN HE COMPLETE IT?!
 
Vinegar: HE DID IT! THE CONQUEST!!!!!!!!!!! SEB just hit the full Conquest on Tempest!!!!! Now he’s got to drag Tempest over to the corner to hang him! Boy… I sure do feel weird saying that.
 
Covert Jay: SEB surveys the damage, but takes too much time as he goes to grab Tempest. Tempest grapples SEB up and knees him right between the legs and hits him with the MOSELEY DRIVER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Out of sheer desperation! Holy shit!!!!!!!!!
 
Vinegar: Both men are down now and they aren’t moving any time soon! The crowd is loving every second of this match though!




 

A reasonable amount of time has passed for them to both start to get up…

 
Covert Jay: Tempest is up first, still rubbing his eyes from the pepper spray. SEB is staggering up and seems to not know where he is. He shakes his head and has come to. Tempest is rushing at him but SEB ducks under the attack!
 
Vinegar: Tempest runs up the turnbuckle! SEB is right behind him! SPIDER SUPLEX…..
 
Covert Jay: MARKHAM MISSILE!!!!!!!!!! HOLY FUCKING SHIT HOW DID HE HIT THAT OUT OF NOWHERE?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!
 
Vinegar: Sheer desperation is what these two have left. They will do ANYTHING to win this match. And they both know that about each other. For as long as these two have been fighting one another… it’s as if someone has to die for it to be over.
 
Covert Jay: Well, we don’t wish that on anyone. And here comes SEB, slowly getting back to his feet! He grabs Tempest and drags him to the corner with a good noose, but Tempest quickly, and desperately, rolls himself out of the ring! SEB cannot believe it! SEB let’s out a scream before following Tempest out!
 
Vinegar: SEB is on the outside. WHAM! Tempest just laid him out with a steel chair! A basic weapon in these types of matches, but still very much effective!
 
Covert Jay: Tempest now rolling the limp body of SEB back in the ring! Tempest is back in with the steel chair! He places it across the bottom turnbuckle… No… you don’t think he’s going to try it, do you?
 
Vinegar: Everything is on the line. He’s got to do whatever he can to win this match! Even if it means this.
 
Covert Jay: Tempest grabs SEB and sets him up for Boomstick but SEB is able to break free just before the facebuster. He falls forward, narrowly missing the chair but trips up Tempest and Tempest smashes his face on the steel chair!!!
 
Vinegar: SEB has scurried across the ring to the other corner and is getting himself a much needed moment to recharge before finishing this! SEB gets up and stalks a rising Tempest. SEB locks Tempest up for a German suplex but Tempest hits a reverse kick right between SEB’s legs!
 
Covert Jay: That’s the second beanbag kick we’ve seen in this match alone! CAN WE LEAVE THE BALLS ALONE?!
 
Vinegar: SEB drops down to his knees and Tempest superkicks him in the side of the head! Now what is Tempest doing?! He just climbed up to the top rope and pulled down a noose! Oh no… he’s going for the gas can!
 
Covert Jay: He just poured the can of gasoline all over it and lit it on fire!!! OH MY GOD!!!!
 
Vinegar: Where did he even get the lighter?!
 
Covert Jay: His pocket!!!!!!!!!!!!
 
Vinegar: SEB is starting to stir. Get out of there! SEB RUN!
 
Covert Jay: Tempest swings the flaming noose towards the Chaos Champion! SEB is able to duck the swing and sprint across the ring!
 
Vinegar: SEB just slide right out of the ring like he was sliding into home plate!
 
Covert Jay: Tempest is on the outside now, chasing SEB! WHOA! SEB WITH A FIRE EXTINGUISHER!!!!!!!! HE JUST SPRAYED TEMPEST AND THE ROPE WITH THE FIRE EXTINGUISHER!!!!
 
Vinegar: Tempest is blinded! He cannot see!!!!!! He’s trying to find his way back into the ring and he does, barely!
 
Covert Jay: SEB stalks in behind him and gets in position.
 
Vinegar: EMPIRE KICK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
 
Covert Jay: SEB drags Tempest to the corner and puts the noose around his neck. He climbs to the top rope and grabs the loose end of the rope and jumps off!
 
Vinegar: HE JUST HUNG TEMPEST RIGHT THERE IN THE RING!!!!! HOLY FUCKING SHIT!!!!!
 
DING DING DING

Mitchell Dennis: Here is your winner.... and STILLLLLLLLLL UGWC Chaos Champion..... SEBASTIIIAAAAANNNNN EEEVVVVEEEERRRRREEEETTTTTTT BBBRRRRRYYYYYYYYYYYCCCCCCCCEEEEEEEEEE

[UGWC Staff]

Vinegar: It has certainly been a horrifying evening here in Gnaw Bone.

Covert Jay: A nightmare, if you will.

Vinegar: I was trying to avoid being that on the nose, but it certainly is true nonetheless. Still, we are nearing a conclusion, as it is time for the main event of the evening.

Covert Jay: Hold on, there seems to be some commotion.

Vinegar: Indeed, members of the Red Triangle Gang are carrying someone, can’t tell who it is. Whoever it is, they’ve got a bag over their head, but they’re…are they coming here?

Covert Jay: They’re coming here.

Vinegar: What are you all doing? Stay away from us!

Covert Jay: They’ve put this person right between us, taking off his-

Vinegar: Hans!

Covert Jay: Huttah!

Vinegar: Dr. Hans Lieberjosch has been returned to ringside! Hans, are you okay?

Covert Jay: He seems catatonic, but my ninja redtooth tells me that following his earlier departure from ringside, Hans was placed in a sensory deprivation chamber much like the rooms that Lucy Wylde and Zane Scott have spent the last twenty-four hours within!

Vinegar: And it did THIS to him? He was only in there for a couple hours! They’ve been in there for an entire day!

Covert Jay: Well, yes, but they aren’t pansies like he is.

Lieberjosch: …

Zane appears and makes his way to the ring, a far off look in his eyes as he steps through the ropes.

Mitchell Dennis: The following contest is scheduled for one fall and is a Monster’s Ball Match for the UGWC World Heavyweight Championship! Introducing first, the challenger. He is the winner of the 2023 Global Challenge, the Personification of Hate, ZAAAAAAANNNEEE SCCCOOTTTTTTTTT!!!!!

Vinegar: Zane Scott won this year’s Global Challenge tournament at Infinity, and what a prize he secured for himself, “earning” the right to spend twenty-four hours locked under inhumane sensory deprivation conditions, all for a shot at the World Heavyweight Title!

Covert Jay: A title that Zane has held three times before, and don’t forget that the last time he held the title, back in 2018, he won it in the finals of that year’s Global Challenge tournament, and Lucy Wylde was the person he defeated in that final match!

Vinegar: And it was Lucy Wylde that ultimately took the title from him months later, the first time that she held the coveted championship. There’s certainly a dark history between these two competitors, a darkness that has threatened to consume them both.

The opening chords of "Undead" by Hollywood Undead blare over the PA system. One by one, spotlights begin fading in and out, alternating between a bright white and deep purple tones. As the bass line kicks into its highly recognized bone jarring chorus the spotlights sync their flashing with the rhythm. Suddenly the spotlights all turn at once, illuminating the stage in a brilliant flash and a radiating glow. Lucy Wylde steps out from behind the curtain onto center stage, much of her mussed hair dangling in front of her face.

Mitchell Dennis: And his opponent, she is the reigning AND defending World Heavyweight Champion, LUUUCCCYYYYY WYYYYLLLLLDDDDEEEEEE!!!

Covert Jay: Lucy’s looking like Samara from The Ring movies.

Vinegar: Lucy Wylde shambling to the ring, the marathon sensory deprivation torture has clearly taken it’s toll on both competitors.

Covert Jay: How’d it go for you, Hans?

Lieberjosch: *shudders*

Covert Jay: As insightful as ever.

Vinegar: Wylde was dragged the championship belt behind her, leaving it behind at ringside, and she looks vacant as well as she stands in the ring, seems to be staring vaguely near where Zane Scott himself is standing.

DING DING!!!

Vinegar: And Wylde springs immediately into action, tackling Scott to the mat and clawing away at him!

Covert Jay: She caught Zane by surprise, he covers up as best he can, manages to shove her off.

Vinegar: Wylde springs to her feet and gets a running start, knocking the rising Scott back to the mat with a running knee!

Covert Jay: Lucy drops on him and unleashes a flurry of vicious blows, and Zane again manages to shove her off and away!

Vinegar: Wylde rolls to her feet but her momentum takes her into the ropes, as now it’s Zane Scott springing to his feet, slamming into Wylde with a hard clothesline that sends her spilling over the ropes to the outside!

Covert Jay: The adrenaline has kicked in for both of them, everything that’s been pent up over the last day in solitude, it’s all coming out! Where’s yours, Hans?

Lieberjosch: *groans*

Vinegar: Scott steps out to the apron, but Wylde trips him up and drops him on his back, and Scott tumbles off the apron to ringside.

Covert Jay: Lucy rolls back into the ring and gets a running start before soaring over the ropes and connecting with the Meteor Strike!

Vinegar: Wylde tugging on her own hair, a crazed expression on her face, and she grabs hold of Scott and sends him shoulder first into the steel steps!

Covert Jay: Glenn Burke looked like he was going to tell her to bring the match back into the ring, but a quick glare from Lucy makes him think better of it.

Vinegar: Glenn certainly doesn’t want to come between these two right now. If he knows what’s best, he’s going to stay out of their way. He’s just here to count the fall.

Covert Jay: Lucy charges at Zane, but he rolls out of the way and swings his legs around, catching her in a drop toe hold onto the steps!

Vinegar: Zane Scott gets to his feet, slowly rotating his shoulder, and now he grabs Wylde and brings her towards the nearby rusty old abandoned farming equipment, and he heaves her directly into it!

Covert Jay: Holy risks of tetanus, Nicholas!

Vinegar: Right into the side of the tractor!

Covert Jay: And now Zane lifts her into a military press and drops her right on the hood of the tractor, and Lucy rolls off and tumbles directly in front of it!

Vinegar: Scott getting inside the tractor now, he’s trying to start it!

Covert Jay: Good luck. You just got through saying it’s rusty, old, and abandoned.

Vinegar: Scott having difficulty, that thing is never going to start, meanwhile Wylde has gotten back to her feet!

Covert Jay: She jumps up onto the hood!

Vinegar: JESUS CHRIST ON A POGO STICK!!!

Covert Jay: Lucy just delivered a dropkick through the tractor cab glass into Zane!

Lieberjosch: IT’S JUST CABBAGE!!!

Covert Jay: Easy, killer. Go back to trying not to piss yourself.

Vinegar: Astonishing what just happened, Lucy Wylde dropkick through the glass of the tractor cab, caution thrown to the wind, and she isn’t finished yet!

Covert Jay: Lucy sends Zane back out through the broken hole, he tumbles down the hood onto the ground!

Vinegar: Wylde climbing out onto the hood, looks like she’s got cuts in various places on her body, the result of intentionally sending herself through the glass!

Covert Jay: Lucy’s on top of the hood, Zane down in front of the tractor, and Lucy leaps off it for a super Fury Brand!

Vinegar: But Scott rolls out of the way and she crashes into the ground!

Covert Jay: Like you said, she’s thrown caution to the wind, but every ninja knows there are times to temper the aggression, and Lucy’s current unhinged state is hindering her as often as it’s helping!

Vinegar: Scott stumbling back to his feet, and he grabs Wylde and hurls her into the side of the tractor again!

Covert Jay: Zane’s busted open, he got that glass kicked right into his own face only minutes ago, but now he grabs Lucy and drags her back to ringside, tossing her next to the apron, and her body half slides under the ring.

Vinegar: Scott grabs her by the leg and pulls her back out, but Wylde rolls over and cracks him with a chain!

Lieberjosch: THE CHAINS THAT BIND US IN THE DARKNESS!!!

Covert Jay: Can we get Hans a sedative?

Vinegar: Lucy Wylde won the UGWC title for the first time five years ago in a chain match, she took the title from Zane Scott in that match, and now she finds a chain under the ring and uses it to fend him off here!

Covert Jay: That shot looks like it aggravated the cuts Zane already had, bleeding worse now, as Lucy sends him into the ring, she slides in and covers!





ONE!!!





TWO!!!!!





Vinegar: Scott kicks out!

Covert Jay: Zane’s got a crimson mask, Lucy heading back to the outside, she’s got the chain again!

Vinegar: Wylde into the ring with the chain, Scott trying to rise, and she whips him with the chain, but Scott blocks it with his arm and the chain wraps around it!

Covert Jay: That had to hurt like hell, but Zane yanks the surprised Lucy towards him and into Leveling the Cypress!

Vinegar: Wylde falls to a knee after the kidney punch, and Scott wraps the rest of the chain around his arm. Wylde tries to stand, and Scott cracks her with a two-handed sledge strike to the face, amplified by the steel chain!

Covert Jay: Zane unwraps his arm and throws the chain to the outside, and as he turns back to Lucy, oh wow. She’s busted open too now.

Vinegar: Scott lifts Wylde into a fireman’s carry, but she floats off the back! Scott spins around for a clothesline, but she ducks under it and springboards off the ropes!

Covert Jay: WYLDE LIBERATION!!!

Vinegar: She’s got the cover!





ONE!!!





TWO!!!!!





Covert Jay: Zane gets the shoulder up!

Vinegar: Exasperation from Lucy Wylde, this match with Zane Scott is a nightmare that won’t end, as she lines up now for Keep Your Chin Up!

Covert Jay: KNEED TO NO!

Vinegar: Scott catches her with the knee to the face! Lifts her into a fireman’s carry!

Lieberjosch: IN COLD BLOOD!!!!

Vinegar: Scott drops on top of her for the cover!





ONE!!!





TWO!!!!!





THR-NO!!!!!!!





Vinegar: WYLDE GETS HER SHOULDER UP!

Covert Jay: By ninja I thought it was over there!

Vinegar: You back with us, Hans?

Lieberjosch: What do you mean?

Vinegar: Nevermind.

Covert Jay: Zane can’t believe that Lucy survived that, but he rolls out of the ring, he’s coming for a steel chair!

Vinegar: Lucy Wylde hasn’t moved, she’s a bloody mess, they both are, and now she starts to stir as Scott is re-entering the ring with that steel chair!

Covert Jay: He’s waving her up, looking to finish her with the Chair-iots of Pain, Lucy’s stumbling up, here it comes!

Vinegar: SPEAR!!!

Covert Jay: Lucy spears him to the mat!

Vinegar: And what little adrenaline Lucy Wylde might have left takes her to the corner, to the top turnbuckle!

Covert Jay: She might be throwing caution to the wind again!

Vinegar: CALAMITY FROM THE SKIES!!!!

Covert Jay: She hits it! She’s got the cover!





ONE!!!





TWO!!!!!





THREE!!!!!!!





Mitchell Dennis: Here is your winner, and STILL the UGWC World Heavyweight Champion, LUUUCCCYYY WYYYYLLLLLDDDDEEEEE!!!!

Covert Jay: She did it!

Vinegar: Lucy Wylde endures once again! First it was Tempest at Horizons, then Montague Cervantes at Infinity, and now Lucy Wylde survives the Nightmare at Gnaw Bone and remains the World Champion!

Covert Jay: It’s been a hellish evening, but it comes to a close!

Vinegar: We’ll see you in two weeks, when the new Survival of the Fittest Tournament begins!

Lieberjosch: Can we please go now?

[UGWC Staff]

Credits

Opener
Dave

Last Blood Match
Ad

Exploding Turnbuckles
Brandon

Circus Deathmatch
Dave

Hangman's Horror
Dave

Monster's Ball
Steve