Post by UGWC Staff on Jul 14, 2023 15:23:06 GMT -5
Vinegar: Welcome back to Wrestlestockopolis!!
Lieberjosch: We're kicking off day 2 of the official broadcast, and the districts are still mostly intact!
Covert Jay: For now...
Lieberjosch: Let's hope all the garbage wrestling is contained to the WrestleHell District again.
Vinegar: I don't know, alongside continuing the Wrestlestock Open Tournament, today we'll see the day-long District Conquest for a shot at the Conquest Championship!
Covert Jay: Don't forget the Queens of Chaos Showcase, brought to you by Zion Wrestling!
Vinegar: If you missed Day 1 of the broadcast, we saw Craig Cogan, The Avenger, and Montague Cervantes advance to the Wrestlestock Open Semifinals!
Lieberjosch: Sebastian Everett-Bryce continued his historic Chaos Championship reign by defeating both Konrad Raab and Travis Pierce in a disgusting display of violence.
Vinegar: Zion Wrestling brought us the Fenix Sisters taking on Brooklyn Madrox and "The Black Widow" in a controversial Cooperative battle!
Covert Jay: Don't forget the Vigilante Match which is... still going?
Lieberjosch: Ugh...
Vinegar: No more beating around the bush, the announcement you're all waiting for... Alan Wallace escaped from the stampede via a helicopter!
Covert Jay: It's time to return to the first round of the Wrestlestock Open!
Last Edit: Jul 15, 2023 11:14:18 GMT -5 by UGWC Staff
Post by UGWC Staff on Jul 14, 2023 15:24:13 GMT -5
WrestleStock Open Round 1
Jason Cashe
vs
Phrixus Deimos
Mitchell Dennis: The following contest is scheduled for one fall, and is part of the first round of the WrestleStock Open Tournament!
The hymn-like hum vibrates through the area before Lauren Hill soundfully brings in the chorus to "Ready or Not". Jason Cashe comes out from the back. Looking around the arena at the live audience. Taking a long drag off an air joint, Cashe howls up into the sky, a few fans howl with him..
Mitchell Dennis: Born in Atlanta but branded in Houston.. A truly Troubled One.. THE DiOGee.. Jaaaassoooon CAAAASHE!!
Stopping as the aisle turns to ringside, Cashe drags a foot creating an imaginary line. This is the line where when passed, the talking stops. He steps into a jog, leaping up on the apron onto his left knee. He stands, ducking under the top rope to enter the ring. Growling into a roar at the live audience! Cashe was ready to scrap.
“Phucking Phreak” hits the PA and Phrixus Diemos methodically makes his way onto the stage. He saunters down the ramp and into the ring.
Mitchell Dennis: And his opponent, he is the Embodiment of Fear… Phrixussss Diiieeeemooooossss!!!!
DING DING DING
Vinegar: Both men lock up, center of the ring.
Covert Jay: Phrixus gets behind Jason and gets a reverse waist lock. Jason elbows out of it and staggers Phrixus!
Leiberjosch: Jason rushes at Fear and hits a snap jab on his opponent, but Fear blocks a second and staggers Jason with a jab of his own.
Vinegar: Jason rushes back at Fear but Fear clasps him up and hits a belly to belly suplex!
Leiberjosch: Fear drops into a quick cover but can’t get a 1 count.
Covert Jay: Fear is up and so is Jason! They start slugging it out very quickly. Jason gets the upper hand and gets Fear locked up and hits an exploder suplex!
Vinegar: Jason grabs Fear but Fear rolls him up!
1!!!
2!!!
Covert Jay: Quick kick out!!!
Vinegar: Jason gets some quick distance and rushes at a rising Fear, only to catch an elbow to the face.
Leiberjosch: Jason is staggered! Fear gets behind him!
Covert Jay: NUMBING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Vinegar: Fear heads to the corner and up to the top rope! He leaps!
Leiberjosch: METEOR PRESS!!!!
Covert Jay: JASON CASHE GOT THE KNEES UP!!!
Vinegar: Jason takes advantage of the moment and stalks a rising Fear.
Covert Jay: MARK OF JASON!!!!
Leiberjosch: Fear staggers around in a circle and Jason grabs him!
Vinegar: SCRAP ACTION DRIVER!!!!!!!
Covert Jay: SAD!!!!!!
Leiberjosch: Jason drops into the cover!
1!!!
2!!!
3!!!
DING DING DING
Mitchell Dennis: Here is your winner, Jasonnnn Caaassshhheeee!!!!!!!!
Vinegar: Finally we get a match worth the watch in this tournament!
Covert Jay: Excellent showing and very fast paced. Jason Cashe just proved to be the better competitor today!
Last Edit: Jul 15, 2023 1:35:14 GMT -5 by UGWC Staff
Post by UGWC Staff on Jul 14, 2023 15:24:23 GMT -5
UGWC District Conquest
We begin at the opening of the WrestleStock Districts.
Mitchell Dennis: We will introduce our Entertainment Professionals, after which our Creative Director will explain the rules.
Liebejosch: I can’t wait to see what he has in mind.
Covert Jay: Maybe someone will have to wrestle a tornado.
Lieberjosch: Hopefully it’s you.
Covert Jay: I can take it.
Vinegar: I doubt that our Creative Director has anything good in store, although our two mystery entrants are…surprising.
Lieberjosch: It’s a cruel joke that devalues this entire part of the festival.
Vinegar: That’s a bit overwrought.
Lieberjosch: I think it’s perfectly fair.
Vinegar: Before Hans starts crying, let’s go to the introductions.
Lieberjosch: Rude.
Dennis: Ladies and gentlemen it’s now time for the District Conquest. Introducing first…
{ All the lights in the arena go out as words blaze across the Imperitron. }
“Blessed are the wicked who are healed by my hands.”
{ The entire District crowd absolutely explodes with cheers as the opening notes of the orchestra version of "Gateways" begins to play as flames erupt across the stage like napalm. Slowly Angel Blake begins to rise from within the flames with his arms outstretched wearing a long black coat with the birthdate of his baby girl embroidered on the back and the IWF Tag Team Championship around his waist. Angel throws his arms up in the air as the metal version of Gateways takes over and really kicks into gear. Flames erupt all the way down the stage and ignite the ring posts as well as the lyrics finally kick in. }
The core principle of freedom
Is the only notion to obey
The formula of evolution and sin
Leading the way
{ Angel steps out of the flames looking over to the crowd with a terrible grin before looking toward the entrance to the Districts. He scowls as he begins to walk, flames erupting behind him with every step. Angel finally reaches the entrance, lifting his coat and coming to a stop before the object that sits before him. He stops and looks out toward the crowd as the song blasts. Blake throws his arms out and his head back as the arena lights go up to a blinding level. Blake turns and steps toward the vehicle that blocks his path with confidence. The chorus comes back around as Angel crosses his arms over his head in an X. Blake hops down and turns his back to the audience, and throws his coat off as the music dies down. }
Dennis: Standing at six feet, one inch tall and weighing two hundred and twenty-eight pounds...he is one-half of the IWF Tag Team Champions...AAAAAANGELLLLL BLAAAAAAKE!!
Vinegar: Blake looks ready.
Lieberjosch: He’s a Champion, of course, he looks ready!
Vinegar: You’re not that generous to every champion.
Lieberjosch: Sure, but every champion isn’t as terrifying as he is.
Covert Jay: He is intimidating.
Lieberjosch: He’s also one-half of the IWF Tag Team Champions along with Wraith in Sanguis Immortalis.
Vinegar: He certainly is. Now he has four other men to be challenged by.
Lieberjosch: He has two. The other two, not so much.
Vinegar: That remains to be seen. Let’s go back to Mitchell.
Dennis: Introducing our SECOND contestant…
"Country Must be Country Wide" by Brantley Gilbert echoes through the arena as Brooke appears from behind the curtain. She walks with a switch in her hips. The fans boo as she eggs them on. She stops in front of the Creative Director’s ride and Taunts the crowd.
Dennis: Standing in at five feet, two inches, and weighing one hundred and ten pounds, she is “Daydream” Brooke Blakely!
Vinegar: She was...oddly silent this week.
Lieberjosch: That sort of describes her time in UGWC so far. Quiet.
Vinegar: She has all of the talent necessary to succeed.
Covert Jay: Plus she’s hot!
Lieberjosch: As usual Jay, your commentary is insightful.
Covert Jay: Thanks!
Lieberjosch: It wasn’t…you know what, never mind.
Vinegar: She seems a little unsure of what to make of our Creative Director.
Covert Jay: Yeah...and his ride. It’s...creepy.
Lieberjosch: That fits.
Vinegar: Let’s go back to Mitchell.
Dennis: Introducing our THIRD contestant!
The lights cut out, a single Raven cries out soon joined by another, then another until the cries of an entire unkindness fill the house sound system, soon broken by "Hell Broke Luce" by Tom Waits cutting through, the lights coming up to a dull blue as a single white strobe light pulses in time to the song's percussion. Standing in the middle of that pulsing light, back to the entrance, stands Matthew Knox adorned in his ring gear and a sleeveless hoodie. Arms outstretched like a bird in flight he pivots on a heel and begins making his way to the ring, sliding under the bottom rope and picking a corner to charge and leap upon to scream the audience into a frenzy.
Dennis: Standing in today at six-feet, six inches, and weighing two hundred and forty-four pounds, hailing from Baltimore, Maryland, he is currently one-half of the UGWC Cooperative Champions with “The Bogeyman” JC in the “Suplex Cops,” he is MATT “THE RAAAAAVEEEENNNN KNOOOOOOXXXXX!”
Lieberjosch: Scoff.
Vinegar: What?
Lieberjosch: Their team name. It sounds like a mid-card act from the eighties or another poorly-written sequel to “Robocop.”
Covert Jay: Stuff your pretentions, Doc!
Lieberjosch: Easy there, killer.
Vinegar: Regardless of what you think of their name, they’re still UGWC Champions and worthy of respect.
Lieberjosch: They’re both great wrestlers. It’s still a cheesy name.
Vinegar: I doubt they care about your objection.
Lieberjosch: All should heed my objections.
Vinegar: Keep telling yourself that, Hans. Let’s go back to Mitchell.
Dennis: Introducing the FOURTH member of this match!
Hastings comes out wearing his trademark dark cloak. When he comes out he pauses just past the curtain and opens his arms to the adoring peasantry. He soaks the moment in and then proceeds to where the rest of the contestants wait.
Dennis: Standing in today at six feet, two inches and weighing in at two hundred and thirty pounds, hailing from Hartford, Connecticut…he is DONNNNNOVAAAAAAAAN HAAAAAASTINNNNNNGS!!!
Lieberjosch: Now there’s a true champion, “The Lord of Pain” has to be the favorite.
Vinegar: I don’t think there’s a favorite in a match this chaotic and unique.
Lieberjosch: Maybe so, but if any man has the experience to win a match like this one, it’s Donovan Hastings.
Vinegar: I agree with that, but Matt Knox and Angel Blake are also extremely experienced wrestlers. They have the same advantages Hastings does.
Lieberjosch: We shall see.
Vinegar: Let’s go back to Mitchell for our last two introductions.
Lieberjosch: Oh, Christ. These two idiots.
Dennis: Introducing the FIFTH member of this match!
Liberjosch: Kill me now...
Since it’s early morning and we’re outside, the lights can’t “plunge the arena into darkness” as they usually would. You best believe that that won’t keep The Dark Destroyer from being himself. “Die Eier von Satan” blares through the air. Strobes flash in time with the weird and creepy video. A few seconds in he comes leaping out from the curtain, or at least tries to. Instead, he gets tangled in the curtain, nearly tearing it down in the process before he somehow gets himself hung upside down in it by his ankle. We have no idea how this guy hasn’t accidentally killed himself yet either. The stage crew manages to get him free without any additional disasters and he stands in front of it, throwing his arms out in a way that he thinks looks scary and menacing. He gets cheers and laughs, then promptly manages to dispel the notion that he is either “scary” or “menacing” by promptly tripping over his own feet and faceplanting into the ground. It really does boggle the imagination how he manages to put his pants on without hurting himself. Anyway, once he’s back to his feet, he tries to look “menacing” again by throwing his arms out behind him. Of course, he nearly falls over backwards, but somehow saves himself.
It’s a modern miracle, trust us.
The Dark Destroyer makes his way down the walkway to the Creative Director, who greets his least coordinated employee with an eye roll so nuclear that it could melt cities. The Destroyer spins, throws his arms out again, and this time trips over his cape, sending him catapulting backward. Somehow he spins before he reaches the Creative Director’s ride and slams into it face-first with an astoundingly loud “thud” for someone with so little body weight. Daedalus shakes his head in amazement, then signals to the back for the final contestant.
Dennis: Standing in at five feet, nine inches tall and weighing an intimidating one hundred and eighty-five pounds, he is the “Emissary of EVIL,” THE DARK DESSSSTROYYYYERRRRRR!!!
Lieberjosch: That was…a memorable entrance...or something.
Vinegar: Definitely “or something...”
Covert Jay: He’s definitely not a ninja.
Lieberjosch: He’s barely a vertebrate.
Vinegar: Let’s go to the fifth contestant...
Lieberjosch: Do we have to? Isn’t one idiot in this match enough?
Dennis: And introducing the FINAL contestant!
As the music hits and strobe lights flash frenetically, The Captain arrives through the curtain wearing a pink vinyl jacket that has been airbrushed with “80” in periwinkle and bedazzled, tassels hanging from the entire length of his arms. The jacket has remarkable shoulder pads which are covered by purple epaulets, and giant gold buttons line the front though he wears it open. His face paint takes on the shape of a comically large, brightly colored eyepatch over his right eye. He wears a headband under his severely teased blond hair, featuring a blue anchor over a red rising sun. On his right hand is a disco-ball-esque glove. His Zubaz tear-away pants feature blue stripes before they disappear into his white, calf-high, heeled boots. Halfway down the ramp, he produces a ludicrously long, telescoping, brass spyglass, and looks over the crowd. He affects a surprised look, then points into the stands, and invites a “First Mate” (what he calls his fans) down to help him remove his extra attire. The fan (always a female) helps him remove his jacket, headband, and pants to reveal his bright yellow trunks, yellow tassels around his biceps, and yellow wrist tape.
Dennis: Hailing from THE FALCOR… he is “The Keymaster of Gozer,” CAAAAAPTAAAAAINNNNN EIIIIIIIIGHTIIIIIEEEEESSSS!!!
Lieberjosch: I hate this man, passionately.
Vinegar: The fans adore him.
Lieberjosch: The fans are stupid.
Vinegar: The fans are the reason you get paid.
Lieberjosch: The fans are still stupid. My genius is the reason that I get paid.
Vinegar: All of our contestants are here, let’s go to the Creative Director for the rules!
Angel Blake, Brooke Blakely, Donovan Hastings, Matt Knox, and the surprise entrances, Captain 80s and the Dark Destroyer stand in a semi-circle in front of an old-style horse-drawn hearse. UGWC Creative Director Daedalus stands atop it in a resplendent hand-sewn black suit with a purple tie so bright it appears to be shining.
Knox, Blakely, Donovan, and Blake all look rearing to go. Captain 80s looks a bit confused, but resplendently muscular. The Dark Destroyer looks like he’s turning into a ferret. Or maybe that’s just the glare. Anyway, Daedalus looks down at his competitors with at least a vague look of contempt affixed to his face and begins to explain the rules.
“Welcome to the District Conquest,” he intones. “I’m your Creative Director, Daedalus and I’ll explain the rules to you.”
He’s interrupted by the sound of scurrying to his right. He looks over to see the Dark Destroyer crawling up onto the front of the hearse, where his masked driver sits. The driver is decked out in ragged-looking clothing that looks like a farm hand may have died in it. A very large farmhand, as the outfit is very tight on him. He has a weathered-looking and slightly floppy hat perched on his head, with the edge dangling slightly over his gaunt-looking mask, that only has one slit for the mouth and two opaque black eyeholes. Next to him sits a ratty-looking sack, which appears to have a forearm bone sticking out of it.
Again, it could be the glare.
Daedalus looks over contemptuously as the Dark Destroyer climbs onto his mystery driver, only to suddenly make an extremely loud strangled sound. Displaying a rare expression of exasperation, Daedalus quickly replaces it with a gleeful smile.
“How convenient,” He crows. “For once, your idiocy will be instructive, rather than irking.”
The horseman whistles a shrill and ear-piercing whistle as Destroyer kicks and struggles to free himself from the grip of his captor so that he can breathe again.
“This man is here to make certain that none of you get any absurd ideas about using me for leverage,” he explains. “If you do, my friend here,” he points down at the coachman.
He’s interrupted by another whistle. Daedalus appears to glare at him, but it’s hard to tell.
“My friend here will do what he’s doing to Dark Destroyer,” he explains as Destroyer continues to try and free himself, but seems to only be exhausting himself.
The horseman whistles again.
“To make a long story short, he’ll treat you most unpleasantly.” He looks down at the coachman. “Let him go.”
The man in the weird outfit promptly releases The Dark Destroyer, letting him smack into the ground on his butt in a cloud of dirt.
“Now, onto the rules,” Daedalus says. “There’s a boss to every zone. In order to advance, you must defeat two of them by five o’clock this evening. If you don’t, you’re eliminated. Those who do so will compete in the Main Event tonight, with the winner being awarded the Number One Contendership for our Conquest Championship. Are these exceedingly simple rules clear?”
The Dark Destroyer holds up his hand.
“Whatever your question is, shut up,” the Creative Director demands. His driver goes to stand up but sits back down at a gesture from Daedalus. “No actual questions?”
No one replies.
“Alright, one last thing” he says, a bit too cheerfully. “Those bosses may drop loot if they're defeated. Any loot you collect will be consider legal to use in the main event. Ready? GO!”
The five contestants take off into the Districts and the view changes.
[/font]
Last Edit: Jul 15, 2023 7:38:14 GMT -5 by UGWC Staff
Post by UGWC Staff on Jul 14, 2023 15:24:33 GMT -5
WrestleStock Open Round 1
John Blade
vs
Larry Tact
Mitchell Dennis: The following contest is scheduled for one fall, and is part of the first round of the WrestleStock Open Tournament!
The Time is Now hit's to play as he walks out on stage. He talks to the camera man and bounces a little. He holds up his “Never Give Up” logo flag and tosses it to the fans. He salutes and runs straight down towards the ring. He bounces off the ropes side to side and he holds up his “Hustle, Loyalty, and Respect” shirt. He takes off his hat and tosses his shirt to the fans and hands his Chain to the ref to begin to fight.
Mitchell Dennis: Introducing first, he is the self proclaimed Surgeon of Thuganomics, Johnnnn Bllaaaaadddeeee!!!
“In the Face of Evil” by Magic Sword over the arena speakers as the lights cut out. Red and white lights scan the crowd before all the lights cut out. A single crimson spotlight shines down on Larry Tact at the top of the entrance stage. He opens his arms and puffs out his chest, soaking in the crowd’s reaction before bellowing and making his way down the ramp, the spotlight following him. As he walks, Larry critiques some fans at ringside with petty insults before arriving to the ring. He pulls himself up using the ropes and walks slowly along the apron before wiping his boots and entering the ring as the house light come back on. He stretches using the ropes, smoothes back his hair and bounces from side-to-side, zeroed in on the battle ahead.
Mitchell Dennis: And his opponent, weighing in at 260 lbs, Larryyyyy Taaaaact!!!!!
DING DING DING
Vinegar: Both men circle up in the ring. Larry goes to lock up but John Blade sucker punches him.
Leiberjosch: Larry staggers and John grabs him for a back suplex.
Covert Jay: John grabs Larry’s leg and goes for the Stepover Toehold Sleeper but Larry is able to fight out of it.
Vinegar: He pulls Larry up and sets him up for a powerbomb but Larry back body drops John to the mat!
Leiberjosch: Larry stomps on John and then hits an elbow drop.
Covert Jay: He picks John up and sends his opponent into the corner.
Vinegar: Larry charges and hits a body splash, but John blocks it!
Leiberjosch: Larry steps back to go again but John comes running at him!
Covert Jay: Larry catches John with a hiptoss!
Vinegar: Larry hits another elbow drop but misses as John rolls away.
Leiberjosch: John is up and catches a staggering Larry and lifts him on his shoulders. He goes for the FU but Larry floats over the back
Covert Jay: Larry grabs John and hits him with The Humbling!!!
Vinegar: Larry covers!
1!!!
2!!!
Kick out!!!
Leiberjosch: Larry goes to grab John again but gets caught with a drop toe hold!
Covert Jay: John pulls Larry to the middle of the ring and picks him up.
Vinegar: John goes for another powerbomb but when he lifts Larry up, Larry punches his way out!
Leiberjosch: Larry knees John in the stomach and lifts him up!
Post by UGWC Staff on Jul 14, 2023 15:24:56 GMT -5
UGWC District Conquest
In what might be the most predictable masterstroke of bad judgment, possibly in the history of the tournament, Brooke Blakely makes a direct line for the Hell on Heels tent after telling anyone who would listen that she’s going to “embarrass those dime store bimbo barbies who rode their good looks to championships.” Or something. I’m paraphrasing, but you get the idea. Once she gets there she causes an incredible scene as she tries to upend the tent for every woman who’s ever been or is being celebrated by UGWC. Her second to last visit puts her in the tent for our current World Champion, Lucy Wylde. She causes such a ruckus here that it spills over into the biggest tent of the row.
Eden Morgan-Baal’s.
I told you it was a masterstroke of bad judgment.
Unfortunately for her, “The First Lady of UGWC” is in. Blakely immediately gets in Eden’s face. Predictably, Eden looks incredibly unimpressed and asks the kind of pointed Eden question that is more or less equivalent to verbal napalm. Some things never change. Blakely responds by trying to punch Mrs. Morgan-Baal and makes the added mistake of insulting her new child for good measure. So Eden does what Eden does best.
She shows a basic bitch what a Morgan-Baal beatdown feels like.
As medical rushes in to check on her and declare her unable to continue, Daedalus pokes his head in.
"My my...what an inauspicious start..."
Eliminated due to injury: Brooke Blakely
Matt Knox: 0
Angel Blake: 0
Donovan Hastings: 0
Dark Destroyer: 0
Captain 80s: 0
Brooke Blakely: Eliminated
Last Edit: Jul 15, 2023 12:43:39 GMT -5 by UGWC Staff
Post by UGWC Staff on Jul 14, 2023 15:25:16 GMT -5
WrestleStock Open Round 1
Ezra Wolf vs Atara Themis
Vinegar: Folks we have experienced some technical difficulties. However, Atara Themis is in the ring, ready for their match to begin.
Mitchell Dennis: The following contest is scheduled for one fall, and is part of the first round of the WrestleStock Open Tournament! In the ring, Ataraaaa Theemmmmiiissss!!!
Vinegar: And now we await their opponent, Ezra Wolf. Former Cross-Hemisphere Champion and Co-Operative Champion.
Ezra Wolf makes his way out of the curtain as ‘California Love’ by A Joker’s Rage comes blaring out of the speakers and pauses at the top of the ramp. He heads towards the ring, slapping hands and singing along to his entrance music closely flanked by Mr. Pax. He walks up the stairs and hops onto the apron before stepping up onto the middle turnbuckle. He pauses to play the air guitar a bit before stepping on the top rope and jumping into the ring. As he lands, he rolls forward and ends up on one knee in the center of the ring. Ezra throws him arms and head back, letting out a primal scream before tearing off his entrance gear. He hands it to Mr. Pax then takes a knee in his corner as he waits for the match to begin.
Mitchell: And their opponent, weighing in at 210 lbs, The Red Eyed Warrior… Ezraaaaa Woooolllffff!!
Vinegar: Worth noting that Ezra and Dave Rydell recently lost their Co-Operative Titles and both have had somewhat of a falling out. They both decided to focus on their singles careers and Ezra, well, he’s going to try to win this tournament to get himself back in the singles spotlight!
DING DING DING
Atara steps to the center of the ring and Ezra immediately jumps and hits Knee Jerk Reaction!!
Vinegar: What?!
Covert Jay: KNEE JERK REACTION ALREADY?!
He drops into the cover!
1!!!
2!!!
3!!!
DING DING DING
Mitchell Dennis: Here is your winner, Ezraaaa Woooooolllffff!!!
Vinegar: What the hell? Fastest one yet! We didn’t even get to call the match!
Last Edit: Jul 15, 2023 2:12:37 GMT -5 by UGWC Staff
Post by UGWC Staff on Jul 14, 2023 15:25:23 GMT -5
UGWC District Conquest
Matt Knox finds himself in the Desert Mobility Center and makes a bee-line for a golf cart. He makes it to within four steps of it when a person dressed like a cop, who has a strong resemblance to Natural Born Killer, including cake, steps in front of him.
“You must answer the riddles to get a ride.” he intones, perhaps a bit too dramatically.
“Why the hell for?” Knox asks.
He tries to step around only to have the large man insistently step in front of him.
“Riddle,” he demands. “Now.”
Knox stares at him.
“Fine,” he replies tersely, casting a quick look around to see if any other Conquest competitors are near him. “Riddle me. And hurry.”
The NBKop nods. “What’s chocolatey and delicious and off-limits to me?”
“What,” Knox replies, clearly befuddled.
“You have to answer the riddle.” NBKop repeats.
“I don’t know,” Knox replies, smiling as he sees Captain 80s run up behind him.
“AHOY,” The Captain bellows. “NATURAL BORN LAW ENFORCER!!”
“Do you really have to yell constantly?” Knox demands.
“YES,” Captain 80s replies. “THE CAPTAIN WANTS ONE AND ALL AND ALL AND ONE TO HEAR HIM!!”
“Wha...” Knox asks. “That doesn’t even make sense.”
He turns and looks at NBKop. “Captain Bullhorn here has a question for you.”
NBKop turns and looks at The Captain. “What’s your question?”
“WHAT,” The Captain asks.
Knox grabs The Captain and throws him into the stomach of NBKop, sending both of them to sprawling into a nearby cart. Unfortunately for both of them it’s running because it’s the one NBKop arrived in. Somehow one of them hits the shift and it sends the cart flying forwards. It drives out of control until it eventually barrels into a concession stand, obliterating it. Captain 80s immediately runs over to it as a true hero would. Thankfully it appears to be empty, but lo and behold, there is one casualty.
NBKop: THE CAKE STAND!! NOOOOOO!!!!
Knox immediately perks up and looks at NBKop.
“I know the answer,” he whoops. “CAKE!!”
NBKop looks up at him. “You’ve passed my riddle and won this district!”
He reaches over and grabs the most intact cake and hands it to Knox.
“Score,” Knock declares with a fist pump, before he runs over, leaps into a cart, and takes off.
Captain 80s finish sifting through the rubble of the refreshment cart, which somehow frees up the still-in-gear golf cart, which promptly explodes forward with the Captain gripping onto it for dear life by one hand.
Matt Knox: 1 | Weapons Collected:Chocolate Cake
Angel Blake: 0
Donovan Hastings: 0
Dark Destroyer: 0
Captain 80s: 0
Brooke Blakely: Eliminated
Last Edit: Jul 15, 2023 12:20:08 GMT -5 by UGWC Staff
Post by UGWC Staff on Jul 14, 2023 22:53:26 GMT -5
UGWC District Conquest
Dark Destroyer is spotted wandering, it seems aimless, around the Bronyland District. He wanders up onto a platform and wanders across it, oblivious to what it is. Suddenly he’s yanked off of his feet and carried upward.
“Unhand the Dark Destroyer now,” he bellows. “The Scion of Sin DEMANDS it!!”
He kicks and flails, yelling all the way.
“This HAS to be the doing of that damned BEAR!!”
The view pulls back to show him being pulled by a Ferris wheel. Hopefully, he finds his way off before it rolls back around. We cut to Angel Blake.
Scores:
Matt Knox: 1 | Weapons Collected: Chocolate Cake
Angel Blake: 0
Donovan Hastings: 0
Dark Destroyer: 0
Captain 80s: 0
Brooke Blakely: Eliminated
Last Edit: Jul 15, 2023 12:20:28 GMT -5 by UGWC Staff
Post by UGWC Staff on Jul 14, 2023 22:53:46 GMT -5
UGWC DISTRICT CONQUEST
Lieberjosch: Angel Blake has entered the Devil’s District.
Vinegar: He’s stalking through, getting strange looks from some DMW members and approving head nods from others.
Covert Jay: It’s the paint. It has to be the paint.
Lieberjosch: It’s the entire get up. He looks like a Hot Topic exploded into sentience.
Vinegar: He dashes into a tent of raucous reverie, lead by “The Drunken Buzzsaw” and A-Dogg. Both pause and stare at Blake.
Chaos: Get a load of this fucker.
A-Dogg nods, grinning.
Chaos: If you want to win this district, you gotta drink A-Dogg under the table.
Vinegar: Blake’s smiling.
Lieberjosch: He may come to regret that.
Chaos: Alright, sit down across from A-Dogg. Your Master of Inebriation will bring your weapons.
Vinegar: Blake and A-Dogg sit across from each other as Chaos hands the mic off to a DMW member and walks across the tent, looking for weapons.
Lieberjosch: He seems to have found something that he deems acceptable.
Covert Jay: Did he...
Lieberjosch: He did. I’m not surprised...
Vinegar: Nor should you be.
Chaos stomps back and slams a case of Chadwisers down.
Chaos: Drink, fuckers. The first one to stop, loses. If you win, Blake, you get…
He looks around for a second, then down, and smiles.
Chaos: A fresh six pack of cold, delicious Chadwisers!
Blake looks thoroughly underwhelmed. Chaos smiles in that mocking way Chaos can.
Chaos: Look at the bright side. Rumor has it that one of the others got cake as his weapon, so suck it up, buttercup. Now fucking drink.
So the battle of wills, stomachs, and beer soaked brains commences. The men go bottle for bottle through one case, pounding three beers each, with neither looking worse for wear. Chaos smiles and slams another one down.
Chaos: Keep going. How ya doin, Dogg?
A-Dogg: This ain’t shit, Chad. I got it.
Chaos: Good boy. What about you?
Blake glares and gives Chaos a thumbs up. Chaos smirks.
Chaos: Works for me, fucker. Keep going, boys.
A second case gets terminated with extreme prejudice, putting both men at six each. Chaos nods his head approvingly. Both men look a little looser than before.
Chaos: Six to six. Keep going. You OK, Dogg?
A-Dogg: (Hiccuping) Fuck yeah.
Chaos: Good. What about you?
Blake nods, nearly bouncing his head off of the table. Chaos smiles.
Chaos: Close enough. Keep ‘em coming!
Another case gets placed between them. Both slam another two, getting to eight each. They’ve been drinking for almost an hour and both look a bit toasty. A-Dogg is swaying a bit, while Blake’s eyes look a bit glazed. Chaos grabs a third pack and slams it down.
Chaos: Keep chuggin, bitches.
A-Dogg grabs his ninth and inhales it. Blake goes for his, but notices A-Dogg sway a bit further in his seat. He flips his beer up neck first in his hand, lunges over the table and smashes A-Dogg over the head with it, sending glass and beer everywhere. A-Dogg looks at Blake confused for a second and lifts his own beer up, getting it to his mouth before a trickle of blood runs down his head and he topples over backward onto the floor. Blake stands up and throws his arms up in celebration, although the DMW members look less than thrilled. Many are on their feet with murder in their eyes. Chaos steps up to Blake.
Chaos: As much as I hate what you did to my brother, there’s no rule that says you couldn’t. So here’s your weapon. Now get the fuck out of here before we kill you.
Blake nods, staggering slightly, then stumbles his way out of the tent and back into the DMW Zone.
Vinegar: Blake advances, far worse for wear.
Lieberjosch: And now with a death mark on him from the Devil’s Most Wanted.
Vinegar: That’s a problem for much, much later.
Lieberjosch: True, I suppose.
Covert Jay: I don’t like his odds later with a case of beer as a weapon.
Lieberjosch: It’s better than a cake.
Covert Jay: They both make a nice dessert.
Lieberjosch: Sigh.
Vinegar: Let’s go back to the grounds.
Matt Knox: 1 | Weapons Collected: Chocolate Cake
Angel Blake: 1 | Weapons Collected: 6 Chadweisers
Donovan Hastings: 0
Dark Destroyer: 0
Captain 80s: 0
Brooke Blakely: Eliminated
Last Edit: Jul 15, 2023 12:20:52 GMT -5 by UGWC Staff
Post by UGWC Staff on Jul 14, 2023 22:53:53 GMT -5
UGWC District Conquest
Dark Destroyer has somehow survived the first rotation, but he’s not as lucky as the second loop we can see dislodges him and he tumbles from it.
“AHHHHH,” he screams in a way that’s not remotely terrifying. “OWW!!”
He lands headlong into a cotton candy maker. You can imagine the chaos that ensues as he kicks, flails, and struggles to get out ot if, which he eventually does, although not unscathed.
“IT BURNS,” he screams and lands in a cloud of dust before jerking around like a squirrel on crack. “The Dark Destroyer cannot see! This is all the fault of that damned BEAR!!”
He ends up with a swirl of cotton candy wrapped around his face, which causes him to stumble around until he hops up onto something.
“What the?”
“HEY!!” a very deep voice yells in surprise.
It ends up being a really, really (and I mean really) massive Brony. Having something suddenly leap onto his back understandably startles him, and he takes off running, trying to shake DD off, who’s yelling in terror the entire time.
Matt Knox: 1 | Weapons Collected: Chocolate Cake
Angel Blake: 1 | Weapons Collected: 6 Chadweisers
Donovan Hastings: 0
Dark Destroyer: 0
Captain 80s: 0
Brooke Blakely: Eliminated
Last Edit: Jul 15, 2023 12:21:20 GMT -5 by UGWC Staff
Post by UGWC Staff on Jul 14, 2023 22:54:09 GMT -5
UGWC District Conquest
“God damn it, get off of me!” the man yells, trying to throw the Dark Destroyer off.
He eventually stumbles his way into “The Devil’s District.”
“HA!,” the Brony yells as he bucks the bonehead.
Unfortunately for Dark Destroyer, he throws our hapless villain straight into Chaos, who nearly falls into his own Smoker.
“Fuckin A,” The Smokemaser of the “Devil’s Most Wanted” yells. “You spilled my fucking brew!”
Unfortunately failing to knock Chaos into his smoker isn’t enough to spare the Destroyer from spilling Chaos’ beer everywhere. Chaos turns on The Dark Destroyer with a murderous look in his eyes and proceeds to pound him into the ground like a tent peg, literally. (Envision the old Bugs Bunny cartoons). Of course, Chaos punctuates this mauling like only “The Drunken Buzzsaw” would.
“Spill my fuckin beer, will ya,” he growls as he pulls Destroyer out of the ground by the back of his head, pulls him up…
And proceeds to slam him face-first into the smoker grill before he slams the door shut and leans on it to keep it closed.
“That’ll learn ya,” he smirks. “Fucking beer-wasting loser.”
We won’t elaborate more on what happens next, but as you can guess, the Dark Destroyer’s night is over.
Daedalus pokes his head in. "SMOKIN!!"
He turns to Chaos. "You realize there's no way in hell he'll be ready by 'Synergy'."
Chaos shrugs. "Fuck em."
Eliminated due to injury: Dark Destroyer
Matt Knox: 1 | Weapons Collected: Chocolate Cake
Angel Blake: 1 | Weapons Collected: 6 Chadweisers
Donovan Hastings: 1 | Weapons Collected: Cymbals
Dark Destroyer: Eliminated
Captain 80s: 0
Brooke Blakely: Eliminated
Last Edit: Jul 15, 2023 12:22:00 GMT -5 by UGWC Staff
Post by UGWC Staff on Jul 14, 2023 22:54:25 GMT -5
UGWC DISTRICT CONQUEST
Vinegar: We go to the Piercing Media District where we're being told that Angel Blake is racing through an obstacle course with Bones the Janitor!
Lieberjosch: They're neck and neck washing a sink full of dishes, and they finish at the same time!
Covert Jay: Now they're emptying a line of small trash cans into a rolling cart!
Vinegar: Next, it's on to a row of freestanding windows getting windexed... is Blake pulling ahead?
Lieberjosch: Yes! He finishes the last window moments before Bones, and rushes to pick up a grabber and a bag to gather several cans off the ground.
Covert Jay: Bones is catching up!
Vinegar: Angel hurls the bag into a dumpster at the end of the field!
Covert Jay: That was the last goal!
Lieberjosch: Bones bows, dropping his bag. He goes behind the dumpster to retrieve his lucky industrial mop, and drops to his knees to present it to Angel Blake!
Post by UGWC Staff on Jul 14, 2023 23:25:22 GMT -5
UGWC District Conquest
Captain 80s finds himself trapped on an out of control golf cart, careening through the desert. Unfortunately for him, his careening the wrong way. After a blur of people, tents, events, toys, and other assorted carnival fare, he finds himself out in the desert with a line of Security Carts racing behind him. All in all they’re kicking up quite a cloud of dust, so much so that it’s obscuring everyone’s view. This continues for five minutes, and we see a few cacti blur by. After a few minutes, and the Captain somehow using his absurd strength to muscle the cart away from hitting an unsuspecting and innocent family of rabbits, he comes out of the dust cloud.
About a thousand yards from a cliff.
Security brakes in unison, almost causing a golf cart pileup in the desert. The Captain isn’t so lucky as he’s trapped hanging onto the back of the cart and can’t get forward to stop it.
“THE CAPTAIN MUST HEROICALLY STOP THIS CART,” he asks himself loudly, because he only has one sound level. Loud. “BUT HOW BEFORE HE MEETS HIS END AT THE BOTTOM OF A DEEP CREVASSE?”
Thankfully, it seems that fate is smiling upon our hero as it always seems to when it matters, and a rope dangles out of nowhere to plop right in front of his hand.
“HA HA!” he bellows. “A ROPE OF SALVATUDE!! YEAAHH!!”
That’s not a word, Captain.
The Captain rightfully ignores my ad lib exposition and grabs the rope. It pulls up, lifting him to safety as he dangles over the canyon just in time to see the cart go flying off of the edge and down to the bottom.
“THAT WAS CLOSE,” he yells. “TO WHO DOES THE CAPTAIN OWE HIS THANKS??”
He looks up to see himself dangling from his very own vessel, the Dirigible “Falcor.” It lifts him high into the sky, and to safety.
BUT ON BOARD IS CRAIG COGAN!!
THE VIGILANTE MATCH CONTINUES AS THE FALCOR CARRYING THEM DRIFTS OFF INTO THE DISTANCE!!
Eliminated: Captain 80s due to abandoning contest.