Post by Mr.Ego on Dec 9, 2023 20:38:42 GMT -5
Dearest Sebastian,
I hope this letter finds you well. It has been quite some time since I sat down and penned one of these, but in this age of technology that we find ourselves in - where one can fire off an email in seconds or send a multitude of text messages with the tap of a few buttons on a cell phone screen - written correspondence has all but become a lost artform. Frankly, it's a crying shame. Those other forms of communication are so mechanical… so impersonal… that it's no wonder that with each generation that grows up, people find themselves unable to communicate properly. However, I digress...
Due to the incompetence of my hired help, I recently found myself forced into a set of circumstances that I never thought I would find myself in. While I am still contemplating firing Simon due to the idiocy the resulted in my forced participation of said events, I must admit that during the moronic escapades that I found myself a part of, it did give me some most valuable time to think. To think about my past; to think about my present; and to think about my future. During that invaluable time of self-reflection, it also allowed me the opportunity to realize just how monumental the match that you and I find ourselves in truly is.
As everyone knows, a shot at the UGWC World Heavyweight Championship never crossed my mind when I made plans to return at Wrestlestock five months ago. As I have stated on multiple occasions, my lone focus in returning to this company was righting the wrongs done to me by Travis Pierce. He was my sole focus… my only goal… my end game if you will. To be perfectly honest, back then if someone had told me that I would become the Keeper of the Massive Melee Key, and then go on to win the Keys to the Kingdom match and solidify myself the opportunity to face anyone of my choosing at Horizons… the person that I would have chosen would have been Travis Pierce. Ten times out of ten. Had that occurred, we wouldn't find ourselves where we are now, Sebastian.
My how things change.
Fortunately, my tunnel vision lifted during these past five months, and I began to envision other possibilities. Maybe I would look into teaming with Zane Scott, with the possibility of garnering another reign as a UGWC Cooperative Champion? Maybe I would look closely at the bevy of newer talent that has joined UGWC since I left, giving wrestling fans around the world brand new matchups such as Alan Wallace versus Ragdoll, or Alan Wallace versus The Avenger? Maybe I would do something that I swore I would never do, and attempt to win the Chaos Championship, allowing me to move one step closer to becoming a UGWC Grand Slam Champion. Or maybe I would embark on attempting to genuinely give back to the company… the industry… that has given me so much over the years, and begin training newer talent to help them become the stars of tomorrow? Alas none of that came to pass, because at the end of the day, there was only one thing… one matchup… that fans around the world would clamor to witness. One matchup that 'Vain' Alan Wallace would figuratively salivate at the opportunity to participate in.
Alan Wallace versus Sebastian Everett-Bryce.
=========================
Simon: This is beginning to become a regular occurrence, Alan. For shame.
Alan stands there holding the door open, dressed in a pristinely white bathrobe. His hair is a mess, and his eyes are half-closed. He yawns, and then speaks.
Alan: If you mean it's becoming a regular occurrence that you're standing at my door at the ass crack of dawn, then yes, you would be correct.
Simon doesn't choose to respond at first, instead choosing to just shove his way past Alan Wallace in order to enter the house. Once inside, he looks back at Alan, who now hangs his head as he looks down at the ground.
Simon: This is becoming an item of concern, Alan. What with us having schedules to keep and things to do, and you sleeping all hours of the morning.
Alan shoves the door closed, before turning and tiredly walking past Simon, entering the kitchen.
Alan: Well if I would once more get restful sleep overnight, I'd be less inclined to sleep the morning away, Simon.
Simon: Celeste still finding it difficult to get comfortable, is she?
Alan: You could say that. What is it that you need, Simon?
Simon has walked over and poured himself a cup of coffee, and then after thinking about it a moment, pours one for Alan as well. Walking back over to the small table that looks out over the patio, he sets Alan's cup down in front of him, before taking a seat next to him.
Simon: Well as you know, Horizons is fast approaching.
Alan: If you stopped by to ensure I remember that I'm main-eventing the biggest show of the year, I fear you have wasted a trip, Simon.
Simon: I know that you are aware of the upcoming match with Sebastian Everett-Bryce, Alan. However, I fear you have forgotten about all of the other responsibilities that go into challenging for the UGWC World Championship at the biggest event of the year.
Alan says nothing, preferring to just stare at him tiredly as he takes a sip of coffee.
Simon: There are media sessions that you are scheduled to attend, photo ops with some of the biggest wrestling photographers in the world, and then of course there are the tasks that have come directly from The Consortium…
Alan semi-perks up at the mention of The Consortium, raising an eyebrow as he looks over at his friend and advocate.
Alan: What is it, exactly, that Ooley and his minions have tasked us with doing, Simon?
Simon takes a sip of his coffee now, a slight smirk tugging at the corner of his mouth.
Simon: Well Alan, though we are a few days into the month, The Consortium thought that it would be good if they held a company-wide contest for the month of December, as we head into the Christmas season. It is something that they have toyed with over the last few years, and apparently this year a few key stakeholders loved the idea so much that they've decided to pull the trigger on it.
Alan closes his eyes, reaching up and pinching the bridge of his nose between his thumb and his forefinger. After a few seconds, he sighs as he opens his eyes and looks back up at Simon.
Alan: Simon… you do realize that you just used a whole bunch of words to tell me exactly nothing, yes?
Simon: Well I hope you're ready Alan because it's WHAMAGEDDON TIME!
Alan looks at him as if he has three heads.
Simon: You know… Whamageddon?
Alan takes a long sip of his coffee, before slowly placing his cup back on the table.
Alan: What in the bluest of Hells are you talking about, Simon? Did you hit your head on the way over here?
Simon: Oh come on, I know you've heard about Whamageddon. You've had to!
Alan counters with the same look as before, obviously clueless as to what Simon is referencing. Now it's Simon's turn to sigh.
Simon: Ok Alan, allow me to explain since you've obviously lived under a rock for the bulk of your life. You're familiar with the band Wham! aren't you?
Alan: Pretend that I am, Simon.
Simon: Wham! The English pop duo formed in 1981? Consisted of Andrew Ridgeley and George Michael?
Alan shrugs, showcasing that he either doesn't know the band, or doesn't care. Or both.
Simon: Oh come on! They were one of the most successful pop acts during the '80's, selling more than 30 million certified records worldwide in the early to mid-80's?
Alan: If I pretend to care, will you get on with it, Simon?
Simon: You're so uncultured, Alan. Any who, there is a song entitled "Last Christmas".
Alan's eyes go wide.
Alan: That isn't that craptastic Christmas song by some smarmy-assed Brit, is it?
Simon: Oh, so you do know it then?
Alan rolls his eyes as he reaches out and grabs his coffee cup and takes another drink.
Alan: Unfortunately, yes, I know the song. It is one of Celeste's favorites during the holidays.
Simon begins to chuckle.
Simon: Well then, I imagine you won't be faring well in this competition, Alan. You see, Whamageddon is a game played during the 24 days before Christmas where players attempt to go the entire month up to that point without hearing "Last Christmas" by Wham!
Alan: Who thought this was a good idea?!
Simon ignores the question, continuing with the conversation.
Simon: If the players hear the song during the month of December leading up to December 24th, then they're eliminated from the game.
Alan: Ohhh, I'll be eliminated. The horror!
Simon: And then they have to post "#Whamageddon" on all their social media accounts, to indicate that they have lost the game.
Alan: This sounds like the dumbest fucking game ever created, Simon.
Simon dismisses the comment with a wave of his hand.
Simon: It'll be fun, Alan. Live a little.
Alan: Oh, I'm not doing it.
Simon: Unfortunately, based on the verbiage in the contract that you signed, yes Alan, you are. Otherwise, you will be in breach of said contract, and the ramifications of that are such that I'm certain you do not want to go through the legal proceedings of.
Alan: That was in the contract that you looked over and okayed for me to sign?
Simon smiles as he nods in the affirmative.
Alan: I really hate you sometimes, Simon.
Simon: Look on the bright side, it will give us something to do as we face the other task that The Consortium has tasked you with.
Alan: Another idiotic company-wide waste of time?
Simon: No, this one is only for you. Possibly Sebastian as well, but I can't speak with complete certainty on that.
Alan: Well? What is it?
Simon just smiles, before taking another sip of his coffee.
=========================
This may come as a surprise to you Sebastian, but the lead-up to this match is the most nervous that I have ever been before stepping into the ring. You are not only at the top of this company, Sebastian… but you are at the top of this entire industry. You are without question the greatest UGWC Chaos Champion to have ever lived, solidifying that fact with a sixteen-month championship reign; you are the reigning UGWC World Heavyweight Champion, somehow continuing to look more and more impressive with each successive outing; you haven't lost a championship defense in over a year and a half, and all of that is just here within the confines of our little world of UGWC. You are also the reigning World Champion for Pro Wrestling Valor, and you are proving to Triad why you are the most talked-about entertainment professional of the last two decades, eclipsing all who have come before you.
Which includes 'Vain' Alan Wallace, as hard as that is for me to admit.
I don't say that to disparage everything that I have done in this industry. I am 'Vain' after all. However, I think you would be the first to agree that at one time, 'Vain' Alan Wallace was the biggest must-see attraction in this entire industry. Millions of people around the world would likely agree with you, too. At one time, I was the very best to step foot in a wrestling ring; I was the very best talker when having a microphone placed into my hand; and I even dabbled at commentary a time or two where, let's face it, I excelled doing that as well. Admittedly, I relished the attention that came with being arguably the greatest UGWC entertainment professional of all time. I was fortunate enough to have been blessed with the type of genetics that would not only lead me to great things but would help allow me to excel at them as well. I like to think that through it all, I made each and every opportunity count. I was the true epitome of what being the greatest entertainment professional of all time was all about.
Now? Well, now that title falls to you, Sebastian.
=========================
Alan: Say Simon… remember when I said that the Whamaggedon deal was the dumbest fucking thing I had ever heard of?
Simon: Technically you said it was the "dumbest effing game ever created", but yes, I remember.
Alan: I was wrong. This is definitely worse.
Standing across from the two men is none other than 'The Two-Hundred Seventy-Seventh Best Wrestler in the World himself, The Dark Destroyer. With a look on his face that either signifies that he is about to cast a spell on someone, or that he is quite constipated, Alan sighs as he turns towards Simon.
Alan: I'm not doing this, Simon. I can't. We'd be fighting a losing battle.
Simon: Unfortunately you already agreed to do it, Alan. And I have passed that information on to Mr. Vines. The expectation has been set.
Alan: I'm sorry, but when in the hell did I agree to this?!
He accentuates the question by motioning towards The Dark Destroyer in an aggressively exaggerated fashion.
Simon: Remember when I stopped by last week late at night?
Alan: No?
Simon: Well that's a shame, because the day that Dexter came to me with the request, I stopped by your estate-
Alan: Manor.
Simon: I'm sorry, what?
Alan: My manor. Vain Manor.
Simon sighs.
Simon: Fine, I stopped by your manor and explained everything to do. You were all for it. You agreed almost immediately.
Alan: I've also been sleep deprived for the last few weeks, Simon.
Simon: Touché.
The sound of a throat being cleared catches their attention, and they both turn and look back at Dark Destroyer.
"Mallard Scarface!", he yells out, even though the two men are only standing a few feet away, "why must you spy on the intellectual COLOSSUS, when you should be urinating your pants in FEAR at my EVIL!"
Alan hangs his head, sadly shaking it slowly back and forth.
Alan: Fuck a duck…
~~~~~
Simon: Look, you can do this, Alan. You are one of the most marketable people on the entire planet. Surely you can find a way to help Dark Destroyer.
Alan: I'm not a miracle worker, Simon. Just because I've been a wrestling deity during the course of my career doesn't mean I'm an actual God.
Simon: I disagree, Alan. I could completely envision you as a God. Maybe the God of Thunder?
Alan: And have a hammer wield all my power? Preposterous.
Alan scoffs as he takes a step forward, causing Dark Destroyer to take a step backwards.
Alan: So look DD… can I call you DD? I'm going to call you DD, because I am most definitely not saying "Dark Destroyer" every time I need to address you. Anyway DD, I am apparently being forced to-
Simon begins clearing his throat as he takes a step forward and stands side-by-side with Wallace. He begins speaking in a hushed tone.
Simon: While I know you feel somewhat forced to be here-
Alan: Somewhat?!
Simon: Ok, I know you feel as if you have been forced into this but let us not forget that you have spoken on more than one occasion about "giving back" to the industry now that you have returned. You have a chance to do that here, Alan, so at least pretend as if this isn't a complete waste of your time.
Alan: I mean, it is though.
Simon elbows him in the side.
Alan: Right, so DD, I see so much potential in you when you're in the ring, I think you really have something going. Granted, unforeseen circumstances seem to always wind up getting in the way, but at a very basic level, you have the skill to compete at the highest of levels in a UGWC ring. However, to be a complete success in this industry, you also have to have a certain "it" factor. As things currently stand, that is something that is most definitely lacking. Which is where I come in.
"That is pure poppycock," responds The Destroyer. "The Dark Destroyer does indeed have all that he needs. EVIL!"
"Yo', that ain't what he means, Cous," comes the response from behind the three men, causing all three to turn and see the Dictator of Dankness. "He means witcho' current gizzimmick, ain't nobody wanna see you, Cous."
"SILENCE," yells The Destroyer. "Don't become part of the conspiracy!"
Alan: No, your Grammarly-uneducated friend is correct. The ratings drop each time you're on the screen. It's a proven fact."
"The Destroyer will have you know," he begins, as he begins walking towards Alan and Simon. "I have… OW!!!"
He has stubbed his toe on a bench that sits just outside of a quaint little diner that the men decided to meet in front of. The force spun him halfway around, with his cape maneuvering over his head and into his face. From there, he walked face-first into a parking meter, before falling to the pavement below.
"CURSES," he screams, as he begins rolling around in pain.
"Yo' son" The Dank One begins as he walks up and holds out a fist towards Alan. "What a trizeet to finally mizeet you. Yo', you really is a slick homie, aiight!"
Alan stands there, mouth slightly agape as he turns his head towards Simon, who can only shrug his shoulders. As this is going on, Bark Destroyer walks up and takes a seat at the feet of The Dank One. Alan finally turns back towards Dank Destroyer.
Alan: With all respect, I haven't got the foggiest idea what in the hell you just said.
"He said it is a pleasure to be meeting you," states Bark Destroyer nonchalantly. "And that you are a 'slick homie'. Whatever that means."
Alan and Simon both stare at the dog, as Dank smiles and begins shaking his head up and down. Bark decides it's time to clean up, and after a few uncomfortable moments of him licking himself in front of God and everyone, he looks back up at the two men.
Alan: You… you can talk?
"Of course I can," comes the response from Bark Destroyer. "Why does this come as such a surprise to everyone?"
Alan turns towards Simon.
Alan: Are we stuck in the same dream, Simon? Did you just hear a dog speak?
Simon: Unfortunately, yes. Yes, I did.
"Gods of Dizarkness, homies," interjects The Dank One, falling on the deaf ears of both Alan and Simon as they continue incredulously staring at the talking dog. "Just lizike you slick homie, the Gods wantin' to be hizelpin' Cous there."
"The Dark Destroyer needs no help," he says as he finally gets back to his feet. "Not from the likes of them!"
"Yet, you honestly do," responds Bark, who takes a moment to lift a paw and scratch his ear. "Unless being a laughingstock has become so commonplace that you now feel it to be normal?"
Bark looks up at Dark, who scowls and looks over at Dank. Dank throws up his hands with "West Side" symbols as he looks down at Bark, who begins licking himself again. Then all three look over at Alan and Simon.
"Ready guys," asks Bark, the question causing Alan to promptly faint.
~~~~~
Alan: My apologies everyone. I can honestly say that was the first time that I have ever fainted in my life. It's quite embarrassing.
"It's also not every day that you encounter a canine with the ability to speak in this realm," states Bark matter-of-factly. "I imagine it can be quite a shock to the system if it's something you aren't prepared for."
Alan: Yeah, you could say that again. Simon, did you manage to catch me during my fall?
Simon: Unfortunately Alan, no, I didn't.
Alan: Then how is it that I have not suffered a concussion. We were standing on concrete after all.
"Yo' son, that shizit was hilarious as fizuck," blurts out The Dank One. "You fizell into Cous' there, which fo' sho' knocked him to the grizound. Then 'dat homie actually rizolled like three tizimes, bouncing his head off tha' bizumper of a '83 Chevette. Shizit was funny as fizuck!"
Simon: Ok, so back to the matter at hand. How do we best go about rebranding The Dark Destroyer, so that the company begins viewing him in a more favorable light?
Alan: Well, I think first and foremost we need to start with his look. Face paint is a fad that should have gone out of style twenty years ago. And the cape needs to go. Who wears a cape anyway?
Simon: Donovan wears a cape.
Alan: My apologies, Simon. Allow me to rephrase my question. Who wears a cape who isn't legally insane?
"Yo' son, you sizeen my Cous' in action," asks Dank Destroyer. "'Dat fool definitely insane."
"One hundred percent," agrees Bark Destroyer.
"The Dark Destroyer heard that," yells out Dark Destroyer, who for some reason is sitting some twenty yards away. "Traitors!"
Simon: How about we start small. Instead of focusing on being evil, why not focus on doing good?
"Dark Destroyer curses you," he yells once more. "Fool!"
Alan: I can't believe I'm about to agree with… him… but he's right. That was a terrible idea, Simon.
"Yo', how's about he become a ladies’ man, and 'dat could be his gizimmick," offers The Dank One. "I'd definitely hizelp Cous' wit' 'dat!"
Alan: I'm sure you would, 'homie'. I'm getting better with the air quotes, eh Simon?
Silence fills the air, and after a few moments, Alan turns and looks to see that Simon is staring at his phone.
Alan: Earth to Simon. Come in Simon.
Simon quickly rises to his feet.
Simon: We have to go, Alan. Right now.
Alan: After all the effort it took to get here, now you want to leave? Give me one good reason!
Simon: The Consortium has another task for you, Alan.
Alan: Fucks sake, we aren't finished with this one yet!
Simon: Oh, they're coming with us.
"Count me out, smizart lil' homie," states Dank Destroyer, as he rises to his feet as well. "I gizot me the stickiest of the izicky to attend to. And a bizitch named Tammy."
Simon: Very well. Alan, Dark Destroyer, Bark Destroyer… we ride!
Simon makes a beeline for his vehicle, followed closely by the cute speaking Corgi. Dark Destroyer follows further behind, grumbling about curses and peons. Alan stands alone, running his hands through his hair.
Alan: This has turned out to be the worst day ever…
=========================
I imagine that most people who have paid attention to our sport over the last three years would see the name 'Vain' Alan Wallace on the marquee opposite of Sebastian Everett-Bryce and provide their best Holden Orson impersonation. Alan Wallace is just a man who used to wrestle. Alan Wallace is just a man who used to be a household name in this industry. Alan Wallace is just… Alan Wallace. Between you and me, Sebastian… I don't blame them for that. The world of professional wrestling is truly a 'what have you done for me lately' industry. Alan Wallace? To most fans around the world, Alan Wallace hasn't done anything of merit since Horizons XIV.
Ironically, that was in a losing effort, no less.
On paper, this won't be so much a match, as it will be a slaughter. A man who is at the top of his game, defending his championship against a man who has only wrestled in thirteen matches over the last thirty-six months. It's a match that is but a foregone conclusion. Vegas knows it; wrestling fans around the world know it; and most of the guys and girls in the back know it. Perhaps saddest of all, Sebastian…
Deep down… I think know it, too.
Maybe if we had squared off with each other during my first run, things might be different. Then again, maybe not. The "Vain" from three years ago would have given it his all but would still have likely come up short against you, Sebastian. Now, the "Vain" from six years ago? He might have given you a true run for your money, but I still imagine the odds would have been 50/50. The "Vain" of today, though? This "Vain" is simply hoping not to embarrass himself when he gets in the ring with you.
Don't get me wrong, Sebastian… in my head, I know I have what it takes to do what nobody has done in over eighteen months. In my head, you've already been defeated. In my heart, I know that I have what it takes to absorb everything that you can dish out and continue coming back for more because it's just what I do. In my heart, I've already become the new UGWC World Heavyweight Champion. In the ring though, well that is an entirely different story. When you and I step into the ring and that bell rings… I don't know that I have what it takes to hang with you. Not anymore.
It's going to take a Herculean effort for 'Vain' Alan Wallace to walk out of the UGWC Arena with the UGWC World Heavyweight Championship. A heroic effort which, frankly, I'm not sure I have in me. We are damn sure going to find out though, aren't we Sebastian?
=========================
Alan: So, run this by me again, Simon. We're doing what?!
Simon focuses intently on the road in front of him, as the needle on the speedometer reaches 95.
Simon: As I have said at least five times now, we must save Maximillian!
Alan: Annnndddd… Maximillian is?
Simon: The horse that Konrad has been tending to. Pay attention, Alan!
Alan sits there a moment, as Dark Destroyer lightly snores from the back seat. Bark Destroyer is curled up in the back window, also lightly snoring.
Alan: But… why?
Simon: Orders from Mr. Vines.
Alan: You have got to be shitting me.
Simon: I wish I were, Alan.
Alan: So what happened? Did the horse not enjoy getting a happy ending every night? Or is that the very reason that Dexter feels the need we should 'save' him?
Simon: I can't be certain of the specifics, Alan. All I know is that, apparently, Maximillian has suffered some sort of equine psychotic break and has run off.
Alan: I fail to see how this is our problem, but fine. Where are we off to?
Simon doesn't say anything for a moment, as he gets off at the exit that marks the airport.
Alan: Simon?
Simon: He has apparently been located at the North Pole.
Alan: I'm sorry. Did you say the North Pole?
Simon: He apparently believes himself to be Rudolph now.
Alan: Jesus, Mary, and Joseph…
Simon turns the radio on to help sooth Alan's mind, but immediately regrets it.
Last Christmas I gave you my heart;
But the very next day you gave it away.
This year, to save me from tears;
I'll give it to someone special.
Simon sighs as he reaches over and turns the radio off.
Alan: Simon, was that…
Simon: Yes Alan, it was.
Alan: So that means…
Simon: Yes Alan, it does.
Now it's Alan who sighs as he pulls out his phone and logs into X and begins tapping away on his phone screen.
Disgusted, Alan places the phone back in his pocket, as Bark Destroyer rouses from the back.
"Any reason as to why you turned the radio off," he asks before yawning. "It really is a wonderful song."
Alan: Morons. I'm surrounded by morons.
=========================
With all that said, Sebastian… with all the trepidation that I feel as we near our match… ultimately there is still nobody on the roster that I would want to face at Horizons more. You are the standard bearer for what this company - hell, this entire industry - should be based upon. You are the greatest to ever step into that ring, and you are the perfect person for me to test myself against in order to see exactly how far I must go before I'm back to being the 'Vain' Alan Wallace that everyone remembers. More importantly, to see exactly how far I must go before I'm back to being the 'Vain' Alan Wallace that I remember.
It definitely won't be easy, I know that. Let's face facts though, Sebastian. You're younger, you're faster, and at this point in our careers you might even be tougher. In every conceivable fashion, you have the competitive advantage, and odds are that you will come out victorious on December 11th. There's only one thing that could possibly stand in your way, Sebastian.
What do you have left to prove?
With all your accolades… with all of your successes that you have had over the last two years… this is basically just another match for you, isn't it Sebastian? Championship on the line or not, it's just another match that you are expected to run through your opponent in. You have made a habit of beating the very best that every company you wrestle for have put in front of you. At Horizons, you're only wrestling Alan Wallace. A man who most would rather see walk into the sunset and stay retired, instead of walking into Chicago with aspirations of doing the impossible.
The problem for those people who feel that way, is that I'm not ready to play the role of some broken down mare that needs to be taken out back and put down.
I not only have to prove to the entire world that I belong in the same ring as Sebastian Everett-Bryce, but I have to prove to myself that my choice wasn't the biggest mistake of my life. While deep down I really couldn't care less about the opinions of the masses within the internet wrestling community - nor the bulk of the UGWC roster page, mind you - there are two people in this entire world who I simply refuse to disappoint. One is the woman who is the backbone of the very foundation that is 'Vain' Alan Wallace, and the other is the man who will be standing across from you in the ring on Monday night.
All that matters is Monday night. All that matters is 'Vain' Alan Wallace versus Sebastian Everett-Bryce. Everything else is inconsequential.
It doesn't matter if I was once considered the greatest entertainment professional to ever lace up the boots, and it doesn't matter if you have been practically unbeatable over the last two years. It doesn't matter if I am still suffering from ring rust after being gone for so long, and it doesn't matter if you are at the very top of your game. It doesn't matter if Celeste is carrying my child, and it doesn't matter if your relationship with Sloane didn't turn out how you envisioned. All that matters, is you and me… one on one… to see who the better man is.
I simply have more to prove than you do, Sebastian. In the end, come Hell or high water, I am going to prove that no matter how great you have been during this multi-year run, I am still simply 'Your Better'.
You're welcome.
With Kindest Regards and Wishing You the Happiest of Holidays,
'Vain' Alan Wallace
Future UGWC World Heavyweight Champion
=========================
The snow pounds down onto them as they continue slowly walking in a northward direction. The only one who doesn't appear to be completely miserable is a Destroyer. The Dark variety, not the Bark variety as one would assume.
Alan: Well I guess this trip is a good thing. I imagine I'll freeze to death at some point, which means I won't have to face the fact that Sebastian is likely better than me. Silver linings, and all that.
Simon: With as many layers as you have on, you'll be fine Alan. What we need to focus on is the task in front of us.
Alan: You mean the task that you volunteered us for?
Simon begins grumbling under his breath.
Alan: At least we finally decided on how to market DD so that he can become more profitable for the company. Because let's face it, you can never have too many superheroes in this world.
"Every. Villian. Is. Lemons," states Dark Destroyer. "Otherwise known as EVIL!"
Alan: Calm down back there, Barnacle Boy.
Simon: The problem with that idea, Alan, is that UGWC already has a superhero on its payroll. Does the name Avenger mean anything to you?"
"The Dark Destroyer curses The Avenger," yells out DD. "He's so GOOD!"
Alan: Maybe so, Simon… but if he's a true-life superhero, why is it that I'm trekking in a fucking blizzard trying to find the horse that Konrad has assaulted on multiple occasions? Where is your Avenger now?!"
They continue for what feels like an eternity, with both Simon and Alan taking turns grumbling under their breath. Finally, the silence is broken.
"The horse that you seek is approximately half-a-mile to our East," states Bark Destroyer. "Possibly three-quarters of a mile at most."
Alan: And how could you possibly know that?
"Well, I'm a dog," answers Bark with a hint of sarcasm. "I first took note of his scent an hour ago."
Alan: Well why didn't you say something then?!
"I was enjoying the silence."
Alan: And Celeste wonders why I hate dogs…
~~~~~
"Well, that was exciting," says Bark, before beginning to scratch at his ear. "I'm quite surprised we were successfully able to corral Maximillian if I'm being completely honest."
Alan stands leaning against the car, a large smile on his face.
Alan: I love it when a plan comes to fruition. It may have taken us a few hours to corner that big bastard, but I knew once we did, I'd be able to break him. Seems as if those lessons that Celeste wanted us to take finally paid off.
"I'm still not certain we needed to-," begins Bark, but he is cut off by Alan.
Alan: Look Bark, sometimes the hard decisions must be made. We were tasked with finding Maximillian the Horse, and we were successful at that. We cornered him, we corralled him, and 'Yours Truly' was able to break him, just as I knew I would. And Simon was only kicked four times in the process. It was the most successful of days."
"Yes, but did we need to-"
Alan: It wasn't a decision that was made lightly, Bark, I assure you. But in viewing the situation for what it was, while also taking into account the horrors that poor Maximillian has seen since Mr. Raab has been in therapy, I made the most humane decision that I could. You understand.
Just then, Simon comes slowly walking over, his phone in hand. Grimacing, he begins to slowly speak.
Simon: Great news, Alan. I just received word that Maximillian was found safe and sound. Apparently, he is still with Konrad. The two had gone on a long walk together, and when he was unable to be located, assumptions were made.
Alan smiles when he hears the news, but his look of relief is soon replaced with a look of horrific realization.
Alan: So then that means… I mean, I thought his nose was… so if Maximillian is safe, then…
Simon, Dark Destroyer, and Bark Destroyer all come to the same realization, almost simultaneously.
"You have ruined Christmas," he yells out, before pointing at Alan as he begins attempting to cast a spell. "Mallard Scarface, you truly are EVIL!"
Alan turns and begins running away, the sign on the building coming into view as the focus reverts back to Simon, DD, and Bark.
=========================
Alan smiles as he folds up the letter and places it into a card that has "Happy Holidays" adorning the front. Grabbing an envelope from the drawer of his mahogany desk, he begins writing on it. Once finished, he smiles as he rises to his feet. As he heads to the door, his cell phone comes to life, signifying a received text message. Pulling the phone from his pocket he looks at the screen and smiles.
Alan: Of course, my dear. I'll gladly swing by the kitchen and bring you your brownie batter core Ben and Jerry's.
He opens the door and steps through it, as the scene fades out on the envelope that rests on his desk.
Alan Wallace
Vain Manor
Miami, Florida
FIN
I hope this letter finds you well. It has been quite some time since I sat down and penned one of these, but in this age of technology that we find ourselves in - where one can fire off an email in seconds or send a multitude of text messages with the tap of a few buttons on a cell phone screen - written correspondence has all but become a lost artform. Frankly, it's a crying shame. Those other forms of communication are so mechanical… so impersonal… that it's no wonder that with each generation that grows up, people find themselves unable to communicate properly. However, I digress...
Due to the incompetence of my hired help, I recently found myself forced into a set of circumstances that I never thought I would find myself in. While I am still contemplating firing Simon due to the idiocy the resulted in my forced participation of said events, I must admit that during the moronic escapades that I found myself a part of, it did give me some most valuable time to think. To think about my past; to think about my present; and to think about my future. During that invaluable time of self-reflection, it also allowed me the opportunity to realize just how monumental the match that you and I find ourselves in truly is.
As everyone knows, a shot at the UGWC World Heavyweight Championship never crossed my mind when I made plans to return at Wrestlestock five months ago. As I have stated on multiple occasions, my lone focus in returning to this company was righting the wrongs done to me by Travis Pierce. He was my sole focus… my only goal… my end game if you will. To be perfectly honest, back then if someone had told me that I would become the Keeper of the Massive Melee Key, and then go on to win the Keys to the Kingdom match and solidify myself the opportunity to face anyone of my choosing at Horizons… the person that I would have chosen would have been Travis Pierce. Ten times out of ten. Had that occurred, we wouldn't find ourselves where we are now, Sebastian.
My how things change.
Fortunately, my tunnel vision lifted during these past five months, and I began to envision other possibilities. Maybe I would look into teaming with Zane Scott, with the possibility of garnering another reign as a UGWC Cooperative Champion? Maybe I would look closely at the bevy of newer talent that has joined UGWC since I left, giving wrestling fans around the world brand new matchups such as Alan Wallace versus Ragdoll, or Alan Wallace versus The Avenger? Maybe I would do something that I swore I would never do, and attempt to win the Chaos Championship, allowing me to move one step closer to becoming a UGWC Grand Slam Champion. Or maybe I would embark on attempting to genuinely give back to the company… the industry… that has given me so much over the years, and begin training newer talent to help them become the stars of tomorrow? Alas none of that came to pass, because at the end of the day, there was only one thing… one matchup… that fans around the world would clamor to witness. One matchup that 'Vain' Alan Wallace would figuratively salivate at the opportunity to participate in.
Alan Wallace versus Sebastian Everett-Bryce.
=========================
Simon: This is beginning to become a regular occurrence, Alan. For shame.
Alan stands there holding the door open, dressed in a pristinely white bathrobe. His hair is a mess, and his eyes are half-closed. He yawns, and then speaks.
Alan: If you mean it's becoming a regular occurrence that you're standing at my door at the ass crack of dawn, then yes, you would be correct.
Simon doesn't choose to respond at first, instead choosing to just shove his way past Alan Wallace in order to enter the house. Once inside, he looks back at Alan, who now hangs his head as he looks down at the ground.
Simon: This is becoming an item of concern, Alan. What with us having schedules to keep and things to do, and you sleeping all hours of the morning.
Alan shoves the door closed, before turning and tiredly walking past Simon, entering the kitchen.
Alan: Well if I would once more get restful sleep overnight, I'd be less inclined to sleep the morning away, Simon.
Simon: Celeste still finding it difficult to get comfortable, is she?
Alan: You could say that. What is it that you need, Simon?
Simon has walked over and poured himself a cup of coffee, and then after thinking about it a moment, pours one for Alan as well. Walking back over to the small table that looks out over the patio, he sets Alan's cup down in front of him, before taking a seat next to him.
Simon: Well as you know, Horizons is fast approaching.
Alan: If you stopped by to ensure I remember that I'm main-eventing the biggest show of the year, I fear you have wasted a trip, Simon.
Simon: I know that you are aware of the upcoming match with Sebastian Everett-Bryce, Alan. However, I fear you have forgotten about all of the other responsibilities that go into challenging for the UGWC World Championship at the biggest event of the year.
Alan says nothing, preferring to just stare at him tiredly as he takes a sip of coffee.
Simon: There are media sessions that you are scheduled to attend, photo ops with some of the biggest wrestling photographers in the world, and then of course there are the tasks that have come directly from The Consortium…
Alan semi-perks up at the mention of The Consortium, raising an eyebrow as he looks over at his friend and advocate.
Alan: What is it, exactly, that Ooley and his minions have tasked us with doing, Simon?
Simon takes a sip of his coffee now, a slight smirk tugging at the corner of his mouth.
Simon: Well Alan, though we are a few days into the month, The Consortium thought that it would be good if they held a company-wide contest for the month of December, as we head into the Christmas season. It is something that they have toyed with over the last few years, and apparently this year a few key stakeholders loved the idea so much that they've decided to pull the trigger on it.
Alan closes his eyes, reaching up and pinching the bridge of his nose between his thumb and his forefinger. After a few seconds, he sighs as he opens his eyes and looks back up at Simon.
Alan: Simon… you do realize that you just used a whole bunch of words to tell me exactly nothing, yes?
Simon: Well I hope you're ready Alan because it's WHAMAGEDDON TIME!
Alan looks at him as if he has three heads.
Simon: You know… Whamageddon?
Alan takes a long sip of his coffee, before slowly placing his cup back on the table.
Alan: What in the bluest of Hells are you talking about, Simon? Did you hit your head on the way over here?
Simon: Oh come on, I know you've heard about Whamageddon. You've had to!
Alan counters with the same look as before, obviously clueless as to what Simon is referencing. Now it's Simon's turn to sigh.
Simon: Ok Alan, allow me to explain since you've obviously lived under a rock for the bulk of your life. You're familiar with the band Wham! aren't you?
Alan: Pretend that I am, Simon.
Simon: Wham! The English pop duo formed in 1981? Consisted of Andrew Ridgeley and George Michael?
Alan shrugs, showcasing that he either doesn't know the band, or doesn't care. Or both.
Simon: Oh come on! They were one of the most successful pop acts during the '80's, selling more than 30 million certified records worldwide in the early to mid-80's?
Alan: If I pretend to care, will you get on with it, Simon?
Simon: You're so uncultured, Alan. Any who, there is a song entitled "Last Christmas".
Alan's eyes go wide.
Alan: That isn't that craptastic Christmas song by some smarmy-assed Brit, is it?
Simon: Oh, so you do know it then?
Alan rolls his eyes as he reaches out and grabs his coffee cup and takes another drink.
Alan: Unfortunately, yes, I know the song. It is one of Celeste's favorites during the holidays.
Simon begins to chuckle.
Simon: Well then, I imagine you won't be faring well in this competition, Alan. You see, Whamageddon is a game played during the 24 days before Christmas where players attempt to go the entire month up to that point without hearing "Last Christmas" by Wham!
Alan: Who thought this was a good idea?!
Simon ignores the question, continuing with the conversation.
Simon: If the players hear the song during the month of December leading up to December 24th, then they're eliminated from the game.
Alan: Ohhh, I'll be eliminated. The horror!
Simon: And then they have to post "#Whamageddon" on all their social media accounts, to indicate that they have lost the game.
Alan: This sounds like the dumbest fucking game ever created, Simon.
Simon dismisses the comment with a wave of his hand.
Simon: It'll be fun, Alan. Live a little.
Alan: Oh, I'm not doing it.
Simon: Unfortunately, based on the verbiage in the contract that you signed, yes Alan, you are. Otherwise, you will be in breach of said contract, and the ramifications of that are such that I'm certain you do not want to go through the legal proceedings of.
Alan: That was in the contract that you looked over and okayed for me to sign?
Simon smiles as he nods in the affirmative.
Alan: I really hate you sometimes, Simon.
Simon: Look on the bright side, it will give us something to do as we face the other task that The Consortium has tasked you with.
Alan: Another idiotic company-wide waste of time?
Simon: No, this one is only for you. Possibly Sebastian as well, but I can't speak with complete certainty on that.
Alan: Well? What is it?
Simon just smiles, before taking another sip of his coffee.
=========================
This may come as a surprise to you Sebastian, but the lead-up to this match is the most nervous that I have ever been before stepping into the ring. You are not only at the top of this company, Sebastian… but you are at the top of this entire industry. You are without question the greatest UGWC Chaos Champion to have ever lived, solidifying that fact with a sixteen-month championship reign; you are the reigning UGWC World Heavyweight Champion, somehow continuing to look more and more impressive with each successive outing; you haven't lost a championship defense in over a year and a half, and all of that is just here within the confines of our little world of UGWC. You are also the reigning World Champion for Pro Wrestling Valor, and you are proving to Triad why you are the most talked-about entertainment professional of the last two decades, eclipsing all who have come before you.
Which includes 'Vain' Alan Wallace, as hard as that is for me to admit.
I don't say that to disparage everything that I have done in this industry. I am 'Vain' after all. However, I think you would be the first to agree that at one time, 'Vain' Alan Wallace was the biggest must-see attraction in this entire industry. Millions of people around the world would likely agree with you, too. At one time, I was the very best to step foot in a wrestling ring; I was the very best talker when having a microphone placed into my hand; and I even dabbled at commentary a time or two where, let's face it, I excelled doing that as well. Admittedly, I relished the attention that came with being arguably the greatest UGWC entertainment professional of all time. I was fortunate enough to have been blessed with the type of genetics that would not only lead me to great things but would help allow me to excel at them as well. I like to think that through it all, I made each and every opportunity count. I was the true epitome of what being the greatest entertainment professional of all time was all about.
Now? Well, now that title falls to you, Sebastian.
=========================
Alan: Say Simon… remember when I said that the Whamaggedon deal was the dumbest fucking thing I had ever heard of?
Simon: Technically you said it was the "dumbest effing game ever created", but yes, I remember.
Alan: I was wrong. This is definitely worse.
Standing across from the two men is none other than 'The Two-Hundred Seventy-Seventh Best Wrestler in the World himself, The Dark Destroyer. With a look on his face that either signifies that he is about to cast a spell on someone, or that he is quite constipated, Alan sighs as he turns towards Simon.
Alan: I'm not doing this, Simon. I can't. We'd be fighting a losing battle.
Simon: Unfortunately you already agreed to do it, Alan. And I have passed that information on to Mr. Vines. The expectation has been set.
Alan: I'm sorry, but when in the hell did I agree to this?!
He accentuates the question by motioning towards The Dark Destroyer in an aggressively exaggerated fashion.
Simon: Remember when I stopped by last week late at night?
Alan: No?
Simon: Well that's a shame, because the day that Dexter came to me with the request, I stopped by your estate-
Alan: Manor.
Simon: I'm sorry, what?
Alan: My manor. Vain Manor.
Simon sighs.
Simon: Fine, I stopped by your manor and explained everything to do. You were all for it. You agreed almost immediately.
Alan: I've also been sleep deprived for the last few weeks, Simon.
Simon: Touché.
The sound of a throat being cleared catches their attention, and they both turn and look back at Dark Destroyer.
"Mallard Scarface!", he yells out, even though the two men are only standing a few feet away, "why must you spy on the intellectual COLOSSUS, when you should be urinating your pants in FEAR at my EVIL!"
Alan hangs his head, sadly shaking it slowly back and forth.
Alan: Fuck a duck…
~~~~~
Simon: Look, you can do this, Alan. You are one of the most marketable people on the entire planet. Surely you can find a way to help Dark Destroyer.
Alan: I'm not a miracle worker, Simon. Just because I've been a wrestling deity during the course of my career doesn't mean I'm an actual God.
Simon: I disagree, Alan. I could completely envision you as a God. Maybe the God of Thunder?
Alan: And have a hammer wield all my power? Preposterous.
Alan scoffs as he takes a step forward, causing Dark Destroyer to take a step backwards.
Alan: So look DD… can I call you DD? I'm going to call you DD, because I am most definitely not saying "Dark Destroyer" every time I need to address you. Anyway DD, I am apparently being forced to-
Simon begins clearing his throat as he takes a step forward and stands side-by-side with Wallace. He begins speaking in a hushed tone.
Simon: While I know you feel somewhat forced to be here-
Alan: Somewhat?!
Simon: Ok, I know you feel as if you have been forced into this but let us not forget that you have spoken on more than one occasion about "giving back" to the industry now that you have returned. You have a chance to do that here, Alan, so at least pretend as if this isn't a complete waste of your time.
Alan: I mean, it is though.
Simon elbows him in the side.
Alan: Right, so DD, I see so much potential in you when you're in the ring, I think you really have something going. Granted, unforeseen circumstances seem to always wind up getting in the way, but at a very basic level, you have the skill to compete at the highest of levels in a UGWC ring. However, to be a complete success in this industry, you also have to have a certain "it" factor. As things currently stand, that is something that is most definitely lacking. Which is where I come in.
"That is pure poppycock," responds The Destroyer. "The Dark Destroyer does indeed have all that he needs. EVIL!"
"Yo', that ain't what he means, Cous," comes the response from behind the three men, causing all three to turn and see the Dictator of Dankness. "He means witcho' current gizzimmick, ain't nobody wanna see you, Cous."
"SILENCE," yells The Destroyer. "Don't become part of the conspiracy!"
Alan: No, your Grammarly-uneducated friend is correct. The ratings drop each time you're on the screen. It's a proven fact."
"The Destroyer will have you know," he begins, as he begins walking towards Alan and Simon. "I have… OW!!!"
He has stubbed his toe on a bench that sits just outside of a quaint little diner that the men decided to meet in front of. The force spun him halfway around, with his cape maneuvering over his head and into his face. From there, he walked face-first into a parking meter, before falling to the pavement below.
"CURSES," he screams, as he begins rolling around in pain.
"Yo' son" The Dank One begins as he walks up and holds out a fist towards Alan. "What a trizeet to finally mizeet you. Yo', you really is a slick homie, aiight!"
Alan stands there, mouth slightly agape as he turns his head towards Simon, who can only shrug his shoulders. As this is going on, Bark Destroyer walks up and takes a seat at the feet of The Dank One. Alan finally turns back towards Dank Destroyer.
Alan: With all respect, I haven't got the foggiest idea what in the hell you just said.
"He said it is a pleasure to be meeting you," states Bark Destroyer nonchalantly. "And that you are a 'slick homie'. Whatever that means."
Alan and Simon both stare at the dog, as Dank smiles and begins shaking his head up and down. Bark decides it's time to clean up, and after a few uncomfortable moments of him licking himself in front of God and everyone, he looks back up at the two men.
Alan: You… you can talk?
"Of course I can," comes the response from Bark Destroyer. "Why does this come as such a surprise to everyone?"
Alan turns towards Simon.
Alan: Are we stuck in the same dream, Simon? Did you just hear a dog speak?
Simon: Unfortunately, yes. Yes, I did.
"Gods of Dizarkness, homies," interjects The Dank One, falling on the deaf ears of both Alan and Simon as they continue incredulously staring at the talking dog. "Just lizike you slick homie, the Gods wantin' to be hizelpin' Cous there."
"The Dark Destroyer needs no help," he says as he finally gets back to his feet. "Not from the likes of them!"
"Yet, you honestly do," responds Bark, who takes a moment to lift a paw and scratch his ear. "Unless being a laughingstock has become so commonplace that you now feel it to be normal?"
Bark looks up at Dark, who scowls and looks over at Dank. Dank throws up his hands with "West Side" symbols as he looks down at Bark, who begins licking himself again. Then all three look over at Alan and Simon.
"Ready guys," asks Bark, the question causing Alan to promptly faint.
~~~~~
Alan: My apologies everyone. I can honestly say that was the first time that I have ever fainted in my life. It's quite embarrassing.
"It's also not every day that you encounter a canine with the ability to speak in this realm," states Bark matter-of-factly. "I imagine it can be quite a shock to the system if it's something you aren't prepared for."
Alan: Yeah, you could say that again. Simon, did you manage to catch me during my fall?
Simon: Unfortunately Alan, no, I didn't.
Alan: Then how is it that I have not suffered a concussion. We were standing on concrete after all.
"Yo' son, that shizit was hilarious as fizuck," blurts out The Dank One. "You fizell into Cous' there, which fo' sho' knocked him to the grizound. Then 'dat homie actually rizolled like three tizimes, bouncing his head off tha' bizumper of a '83 Chevette. Shizit was funny as fizuck!"
Simon: Ok, so back to the matter at hand. How do we best go about rebranding The Dark Destroyer, so that the company begins viewing him in a more favorable light?
Alan: Well, I think first and foremost we need to start with his look. Face paint is a fad that should have gone out of style twenty years ago. And the cape needs to go. Who wears a cape anyway?
Simon: Donovan wears a cape.
Alan: My apologies, Simon. Allow me to rephrase my question. Who wears a cape who isn't legally insane?
"Yo' son, you sizeen my Cous' in action," asks Dank Destroyer. "'Dat fool definitely insane."
"One hundred percent," agrees Bark Destroyer.
"The Dark Destroyer heard that," yells out Dark Destroyer, who for some reason is sitting some twenty yards away. "Traitors!"
Simon: How about we start small. Instead of focusing on being evil, why not focus on doing good?
"Dark Destroyer curses you," he yells once more. "Fool!"
Alan: I can't believe I'm about to agree with… him… but he's right. That was a terrible idea, Simon.
"Yo', how's about he become a ladies’ man, and 'dat could be his gizimmick," offers The Dank One. "I'd definitely hizelp Cous' wit' 'dat!"
Alan: I'm sure you would, 'homie'. I'm getting better with the air quotes, eh Simon?
Silence fills the air, and after a few moments, Alan turns and looks to see that Simon is staring at his phone.
Alan: Earth to Simon. Come in Simon.
Simon quickly rises to his feet.
Simon: We have to go, Alan. Right now.
Alan: After all the effort it took to get here, now you want to leave? Give me one good reason!
Simon: The Consortium has another task for you, Alan.
Alan: Fucks sake, we aren't finished with this one yet!
Simon: Oh, they're coming with us.
"Count me out, smizart lil' homie," states Dank Destroyer, as he rises to his feet as well. "I gizot me the stickiest of the izicky to attend to. And a bizitch named Tammy."
Simon: Very well. Alan, Dark Destroyer, Bark Destroyer… we ride!
Simon makes a beeline for his vehicle, followed closely by the cute speaking Corgi. Dark Destroyer follows further behind, grumbling about curses and peons. Alan stands alone, running his hands through his hair.
Alan: This has turned out to be the worst day ever…
=========================
I imagine that most people who have paid attention to our sport over the last three years would see the name 'Vain' Alan Wallace on the marquee opposite of Sebastian Everett-Bryce and provide their best Holden Orson impersonation. Alan Wallace is just a man who used to wrestle. Alan Wallace is just a man who used to be a household name in this industry. Alan Wallace is just… Alan Wallace. Between you and me, Sebastian… I don't blame them for that. The world of professional wrestling is truly a 'what have you done for me lately' industry. Alan Wallace? To most fans around the world, Alan Wallace hasn't done anything of merit since Horizons XIV.
Ironically, that was in a losing effort, no less.
On paper, this won't be so much a match, as it will be a slaughter. A man who is at the top of his game, defending his championship against a man who has only wrestled in thirteen matches over the last thirty-six months. It's a match that is but a foregone conclusion. Vegas knows it; wrestling fans around the world know it; and most of the guys and girls in the back know it. Perhaps saddest of all, Sebastian…
Deep down… I think know it, too.
Maybe if we had squared off with each other during my first run, things might be different. Then again, maybe not. The "Vain" from three years ago would have given it his all but would still have likely come up short against you, Sebastian. Now, the "Vain" from six years ago? He might have given you a true run for your money, but I still imagine the odds would have been 50/50. The "Vain" of today, though? This "Vain" is simply hoping not to embarrass himself when he gets in the ring with you.
Don't get me wrong, Sebastian… in my head, I know I have what it takes to do what nobody has done in over eighteen months. In my head, you've already been defeated. In my heart, I know that I have what it takes to absorb everything that you can dish out and continue coming back for more because it's just what I do. In my heart, I've already become the new UGWC World Heavyweight Champion. In the ring though, well that is an entirely different story. When you and I step into the ring and that bell rings… I don't know that I have what it takes to hang with you. Not anymore.
It's going to take a Herculean effort for 'Vain' Alan Wallace to walk out of the UGWC Arena with the UGWC World Heavyweight Championship. A heroic effort which, frankly, I'm not sure I have in me. We are damn sure going to find out though, aren't we Sebastian?
=========================
Alan: So, run this by me again, Simon. We're doing what?!
Simon focuses intently on the road in front of him, as the needle on the speedometer reaches 95.
Simon: As I have said at least five times now, we must save Maximillian!
Alan: Annnndddd… Maximillian is?
Simon: The horse that Konrad has been tending to. Pay attention, Alan!
Alan sits there a moment, as Dark Destroyer lightly snores from the back seat. Bark Destroyer is curled up in the back window, also lightly snoring.
Alan: But… why?
Simon: Orders from Mr. Vines.
Alan: You have got to be shitting me.
Simon: I wish I were, Alan.
Alan: So what happened? Did the horse not enjoy getting a happy ending every night? Or is that the very reason that Dexter feels the need we should 'save' him?
Simon: I can't be certain of the specifics, Alan. All I know is that, apparently, Maximillian has suffered some sort of equine psychotic break and has run off.
Alan: I fail to see how this is our problem, but fine. Where are we off to?
Simon doesn't say anything for a moment, as he gets off at the exit that marks the airport.
Alan: Simon?
Simon: He has apparently been located at the North Pole.
Alan: I'm sorry. Did you say the North Pole?
Simon: He apparently believes himself to be Rudolph now.
Alan: Jesus, Mary, and Joseph…
Simon turns the radio on to help sooth Alan's mind, but immediately regrets it.
Last Christmas I gave you my heart;
But the very next day you gave it away.
This year, to save me from tears;
I'll give it to someone special.
Simon sighs as he reaches over and turns the radio off.
Alan: Simon, was that…
Simon: Yes Alan, it was.
Alan: So that means…
Simon: Yes Alan, it does.
Now it's Alan who sighs as he pulls out his phone and logs into X and begins tapping away on his phone screen.
#Whamageddon #WhataStupidGame #SimonisaMoron
Disgusted, Alan places the phone back in his pocket, as Bark Destroyer rouses from the back.
"Any reason as to why you turned the radio off," he asks before yawning. "It really is a wonderful song."
Alan: Morons. I'm surrounded by morons.
=========================
With all that said, Sebastian… with all the trepidation that I feel as we near our match… ultimately there is still nobody on the roster that I would want to face at Horizons more. You are the standard bearer for what this company - hell, this entire industry - should be based upon. You are the greatest to ever step into that ring, and you are the perfect person for me to test myself against in order to see exactly how far I must go before I'm back to being the 'Vain' Alan Wallace that everyone remembers. More importantly, to see exactly how far I must go before I'm back to being the 'Vain' Alan Wallace that I remember.
It definitely won't be easy, I know that. Let's face facts though, Sebastian. You're younger, you're faster, and at this point in our careers you might even be tougher. In every conceivable fashion, you have the competitive advantage, and odds are that you will come out victorious on December 11th. There's only one thing that could possibly stand in your way, Sebastian.
What do you have left to prove?
With all your accolades… with all of your successes that you have had over the last two years… this is basically just another match for you, isn't it Sebastian? Championship on the line or not, it's just another match that you are expected to run through your opponent in. You have made a habit of beating the very best that every company you wrestle for have put in front of you. At Horizons, you're only wrestling Alan Wallace. A man who most would rather see walk into the sunset and stay retired, instead of walking into Chicago with aspirations of doing the impossible.
The problem for those people who feel that way, is that I'm not ready to play the role of some broken down mare that needs to be taken out back and put down.
I not only have to prove to the entire world that I belong in the same ring as Sebastian Everett-Bryce, but I have to prove to myself that my choice wasn't the biggest mistake of my life. While deep down I really couldn't care less about the opinions of the masses within the internet wrestling community - nor the bulk of the UGWC roster page, mind you - there are two people in this entire world who I simply refuse to disappoint. One is the woman who is the backbone of the very foundation that is 'Vain' Alan Wallace, and the other is the man who will be standing across from you in the ring on Monday night.
All that matters is Monday night. All that matters is 'Vain' Alan Wallace versus Sebastian Everett-Bryce. Everything else is inconsequential.
It doesn't matter if I was once considered the greatest entertainment professional to ever lace up the boots, and it doesn't matter if you have been practically unbeatable over the last two years. It doesn't matter if I am still suffering from ring rust after being gone for so long, and it doesn't matter if you are at the very top of your game. It doesn't matter if Celeste is carrying my child, and it doesn't matter if your relationship with Sloane didn't turn out how you envisioned. All that matters, is you and me… one on one… to see who the better man is.
I simply have more to prove than you do, Sebastian. In the end, come Hell or high water, I am going to prove that no matter how great you have been during this multi-year run, I am still simply 'Your Better'.
You're welcome.
With Kindest Regards and Wishing You the Happiest of Holidays,
'Vain' Alan Wallace
Future UGWC World Heavyweight Champion
=========================
The snow pounds down onto them as they continue slowly walking in a northward direction. The only one who doesn't appear to be completely miserable is a Destroyer. The Dark variety, not the Bark variety as one would assume.
Alan: Well I guess this trip is a good thing. I imagine I'll freeze to death at some point, which means I won't have to face the fact that Sebastian is likely better than me. Silver linings, and all that.
Simon: With as many layers as you have on, you'll be fine Alan. What we need to focus on is the task in front of us.
Alan: You mean the task that you volunteered us for?
Simon begins grumbling under his breath.
Alan: At least we finally decided on how to market DD so that he can become more profitable for the company. Because let's face it, you can never have too many superheroes in this world.
"Every. Villian. Is. Lemons," states Dark Destroyer. "Otherwise known as EVIL!"
Alan: Calm down back there, Barnacle Boy.
Simon: The problem with that idea, Alan, is that UGWC already has a superhero on its payroll. Does the name Avenger mean anything to you?"
"The Dark Destroyer curses The Avenger," yells out DD. "He's so GOOD!"
Alan: Maybe so, Simon… but if he's a true-life superhero, why is it that I'm trekking in a fucking blizzard trying to find the horse that Konrad has assaulted on multiple occasions? Where is your Avenger now?!"
They continue for what feels like an eternity, with both Simon and Alan taking turns grumbling under their breath. Finally, the silence is broken.
"The horse that you seek is approximately half-a-mile to our East," states Bark Destroyer. "Possibly three-quarters of a mile at most."
Alan: And how could you possibly know that?
"Well, I'm a dog," answers Bark with a hint of sarcasm. "I first took note of his scent an hour ago."
Alan: Well why didn't you say something then?!
"I was enjoying the silence."
Alan: And Celeste wonders why I hate dogs…
~~~~~
"Well, that was exciting," says Bark, before beginning to scratch at his ear. "I'm quite surprised we were successfully able to corral Maximillian if I'm being completely honest."
Alan stands leaning against the car, a large smile on his face.
Alan: I love it when a plan comes to fruition. It may have taken us a few hours to corner that big bastard, but I knew once we did, I'd be able to break him. Seems as if those lessons that Celeste wanted us to take finally paid off.
"I'm still not certain we needed to-," begins Bark, but he is cut off by Alan.
Alan: Look Bark, sometimes the hard decisions must be made. We were tasked with finding Maximillian the Horse, and we were successful at that. We cornered him, we corralled him, and 'Yours Truly' was able to break him, just as I knew I would. And Simon was only kicked four times in the process. It was the most successful of days."
"Yes, but did we need to-"
Alan: It wasn't a decision that was made lightly, Bark, I assure you. But in viewing the situation for what it was, while also taking into account the horrors that poor Maximillian has seen since Mr. Raab has been in therapy, I made the most humane decision that I could. You understand.
Just then, Simon comes slowly walking over, his phone in hand. Grimacing, he begins to slowly speak.
Simon: Great news, Alan. I just received word that Maximillian was found safe and sound. Apparently, he is still with Konrad. The two had gone on a long walk together, and when he was unable to be located, assumptions were made.
Alan smiles when he hears the news, but his look of relief is soon replaced with a look of horrific realization.
Alan: So then that means… I mean, I thought his nose was… so if Maximillian is safe, then…
Simon, Dark Destroyer, and Bark Destroyer all come to the same realization, almost simultaneously.
"You have ruined Christmas," he yells out, before pointing at Alan as he begins attempting to cast a spell. "Mallard Scarface, you truly are EVIL!"
Alan turns and begins running away, the sign on the building coming into view as the focus reverts back to Simon, DD, and Bark.
=========================
Alan smiles as he folds up the letter and places it into a card that has "Happy Holidays" adorning the front. Grabbing an envelope from the drawer of his mahogany desk, he begins writing on it. Once finished, he smiles as he rises to his feet. As he heads to the door, his cell phone comes to life, signifying a received text message. Pulling the phone from his pocket he looks at the screen and smiles.
Alan: Of course, my dear. I'll gladly swing by the kitchen and bring you your brownie batter core Ben and Jerry's.
He opens the door and steps through it, as the scene fades out on the envelope that rests on his desk.
Alan Wallace
Vain Manor
Miami, Florida
Sebastian Everett-Bryce
c/o UGWC Headquarters
Chicago, Illinois
c/o UGWC Headquarters
Chicago, Illinois
FIN
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