Konrad doing something ridiclious for Darwin Award.

["Burned in Blood" Konrad Raab]

Daytona Beach, Florida. Friday 9th February.

Honestly, it was nice to get the feeling of driving the UMP Modified dirt car again because I needed something competitive to do part of sorting my non-existent life out. Of course, I have a woman in my life, and some wrestlers know, but I prefer to keep that out of the public light since I haven't spent much time with her since we got together, and I feel bad about it. The fact I know she'll stay with me even after I overcome my therapy sessions is something I appreciate.

Of course, it meant I was going to be in Florida for the next two weeks to do Dirt Nationals in Barberville, which I had been invited to do by the DirtCar Racing organisers themselves since they knew I had won Gateway Dirt Nationals with UMP Modified car. I was doing that again this year, and obviously, next week was Daytona five hundred and Xfinity Race I was doing for Kaulig Racing.

However, it wasn't racing talk time as I recently brought this holiday home in Daytona Beach; despite my dislike for Florida due to weather disasters, it always has. However, I bought it because I do a lot of racing in Florida and needed somewhere to stay. Despite this, I always had Cameron and Edward on board, so at least they kept me company and slept in different rooms. They would always travel race to race with me during my sessions.

Although limited because I couldn't do horse training or group therapy for the time being because I had to be in Spain to do those things, the meditation, yoga, individual therapy and other stuff I had to do at home were still the same everywhere I go. Quintin has still been trying to distract me from racing at times. He looks over my shoulder to provoke me every chance he gets and stays in a hotel nearby. Right now, it's individual therapy time with Cameron, as Edward was never part of those as we sat in the living room. We had glasses of water in front of us.

Cameron: "That blog you did against Jason Cashe was the best blog you've done since we've had these therapy sessions. So well done to you on that. But we still got a bit of work to do."

Konrad Raab: "Yeah, and people still label me as toxic. I don't know, Cameron. How do I get people to believe in me?"

Cameron: "Honestly, I don't know if it can be fixed because you're inconsistent. Granted, I know the deal you made elsewhere was a good thing and how you want to modify your behaviour when you start this deal, but you do have to continue your work in UGWC."

Konrad Raab: "I don't know Cameron. I feel anxious each time I walk into the UGWC locker room. I am almost to a point where I turn up, wrestle, and leave. That's all I want to do; I don't want to talk to anyone. I put that blame on myself, only on myself, rather than everyone else I blame too much for. I caused this onto the roster to hate me because I trashed them badly. After all, my anger was out of control."

That was hard to say without frustration on my face because I did generally feel this way, and I couldn't change the toxic environment I caused myself. More so, who I'm facing next in the tournament that I know I can't trust myself to say anything nice about him in any capacity. The deal I made elsewhere was valid, but I needed motivation since I have had zero since this tournament.

Cameron: "I can understand that, and I understand how much guilt you feel by trashing every UGWC wrestler down. There's a point when you can't be angry anymore. I mean, your body alone is already giving up your anger."

Konrad Raab: "I know it has, trust me. I don't want to be angry anymore; the problem is I don't know how to stop it. I don't want to be mad at UGWC wrestlers; I can't always overcome people calling me a joke and a loser. I don't know how to deal with it."

Cameron: "Do you remember when Zane said you end up not caring what people think? That's what you need to do. He may have been hard on you, but he was trying to help you. I know it also bothered you about the non-believing stuff, and I believe the deal you did will only fix things."

Of course, I'm not going to tell these wrestlers what the deal I made elsewhere or what it was; I'd rather they discover that themselves as they've somehow had with the stuff I do off camera. It was a sunny day in Florida as it was early morning hours. Dirt Car Racing only happens in the evening and night, so my individual therapy sessions are always in the mornings, meditation and yoga in the afternoons. After driver meetings, I have meditation and yoga sessions with the same woman online via live YouTube videos.

Konrad Raab: "God, if I didn't have to act professional, I would've hit Quintin there and then."

Cameron: "I know he's sometimes distracting you from focusing on racing, but ignoring is the way forward. We still have a bit of work on that to do. Another thing I feel you also need to do is find and do something humorous."

Konrad Raab: "I don't know what the Darwin Award is that I got to reward Ezra with."

Cameron: "Speaking of that, that's what I meant by finding and doing something humorous. You need to, and the Darwin Award will do just that. Edward and I have been setting things up for you around the Barberville area throughout the week while you've been racing to be silly. We want silly Konrad."

That has been the main problem in my life. Cameron was right. I had to do something funny and ridiculous because I'm not witty or have a sense of humour. None of the jokes in the books were at all amusing to me.

Konrad Raab: "I know, I'm boring."

Cameron: "I feel even the most boring men can be funny. We got some stuff arranged, but we still need to plan some. You're not going to just reward Ezra; you're going to do them too, well, without you actually dying. The point of Darwin awards is people died for doing something stupid but humorous, and that's a vital part of therapy we need to work on with you."

Konrad Raab: “I understand. Maybe you know, wrestlers in UGWC will forget the whole thing about my activities and my deep anger issues, although I highly doubt it since people still talk about my toxic behaviour, and I don't know how to change it. So what's your plan for me to do whenever we do this?"

Cameron: "We're doing it on Sunday when you aren't racing in Barberville, that I can tell you, but what you're going to do is something we can't discuss at the moment because we're setting it up, but you need to do it. As far as your toxic behaviour goes, you don't feel you can address Ezra, can you?"

I shook my head immediately because I couldn't think of anything positive I wanted to say to Ezra after telling me to quit my dreams of being Chaos champion. Since then, that affected me and made me even more angry because I will not give up that goal. I could never fucking be optimistic about him after that.

Cameron: "Yeah, you need to work more on that, so we agreed to have Edward talk for you. But he won't be anything like the dude we had signed on. He may even say things you'll learn from."

Konrad Raab: "Yeah, Steve was affecting my progress of growth. It's why the others weren't convincing of me, saying it was all my responsibility. How am I meant to be responsible for something I had nothing to do with?"

Cameron: "Yeah, it was a little unfair, but we've sacked him now, and Edward is going to be nothing like him in any way. But Konrad, please listen to me. I know you don't know because you left the arena after you fought Jason. Ezra was the one who made this challenge; OK, because you have been saying to Edward and me you want Chaos matches in the tournament."

I nodded because I hated the matches I had so far. I hated the basic pinfall and submission wrestling, which wouldn't help my growth or dedication to Chaos wrestling. I did leave straight after facing Jason because I just wanted to wrestle to get the damn match out of the way. That's my attitude from now on, no staying behind to talk to people, no staying behind to cause trouble. I was coming to the arena, wrestling and leaving. That's it.

Konrad Raab: “Yeah, I did.”

Cameron: "You're getting one with Ezra. But he also said something that I know because of your anger that holds. He said one vital thing about why he said what he did. He said he didn't mean to sound the way it did of you being a quitter."

Konrad Raab: "Oh, he meant every single fucking word of that. Telling me during that video for the Chaos title that I've outgrown it and other videos before that I should quit chasing for the Chaos title and never be able to win the real thing to use a replica belt over it, and I have hated him ever since."

I had to be angry about it because the fact is, I needed to be Chaos champion; I required the Chaos title to prove to everyone I had overcome my fears during my entire career in UGWC and on top of all that, I needed the Chaos title to complete all the hardcore belts I've achieved in my career. I couldn't hide my anger on that whatsoever. I banged the table with my fist.

Cameron: "Calm down, and I know you want the Chaos title because you want to wrestle Chaos matches every week as a champion, that I do believe. But he made a point that you should consider what I would say until you got angry."

Konrad Raab: "I do not believe anything else he has to say."

Cameron: "Ezra said he said it, and to be frank, I feel this is why you want to be Chaos champion; Ezra said he's trying to save you from yourself, not because you're a quitter. Basically, he's stopping you from hurting and harming your physical self, mental self, and reputation. He has a point there, Konrad, as much as you hate the guy."

Konrad Raab: "Not being Chaos champion will hurt me and myself even more. I believe being a Chaos champion for me will stop me from hurting myself. Does he not understand that?"

Of course, I was spitting with anger at this rate because I didn't want to admit the truth to Cameron. I hated that Cameron and even Ezra were right, and I didn't want to believe that because I hated the guy. I did. I walked around and opened the balcony to give myself some fresh air. Cameron smiled because he knew I was doing something more constructive than breaking the house down. I mean, I own everything in this holiday home I brought. I gave myself five minutes to calm down. I came back in five minutes later and drank water.

Cameron: "We understand, and I do believe that is the actual case of why you want to become Chaos Champion, so you stop hurting yourself mentally and psychically. It has to be said. He isn't wrong about your age, either. But I also heard you get severe anxiety attacks each time anyone says or encourages you to go for the UGWC World Title and win it. That's why you're also avoiding the UGWC World Title and, quite frankly, the Conquest title because it scares the hell out of you."

Konrad Raab: "It does because I go in, have a world title match and lose, I can never know how to deal with the loss and feel I'll get another shot at it. I never had any confidence in winning the UGWC title; I can't even say I want to win the UGWC World Title at all, let alone confront Alan Wallace to his face; I'm challenging you for that World Title because I laugh at myself on how stupid of an idea it is and how a ridiculous goal it is for me to achieve. While saying I want to win the Chaos title is far more realistic and believable as a goal."

Suppose there was one thing I have never told anyone until now, although it had been on the minds of UGWC staff over the last few years. In that case, it's the idea of me being a UGWC World Champion because I never believed I could do it due to my severe anxiety attacks, especially when I lose; I never feel I can get to the top ever again. I had an anxiety attack before and during the World Title match I had with Hide and his team because the goal was a joke. I only did it because nobody else from the team stepped up.

Cameron: "You need to see a sports psychologist for that, and we can help you with these severe anxiety issues you have about chasing the UGWC World Title. I'm glad you've told me this, Konrad, because it explains why you've never challenged the World Champion or even said you want to become World Champion. I feel you do, but your fears and anxieties put you off from doing so."

Konrad Raab: "Even UGWC staff, wrestling and racing fans, and fellow drivers have questioned me about it, but they don't know how scared I am to go for the belt. The pressure is just too much for me to handle, and settling for belts like Cross-Hemisphere and Chaos title is far easier for me to handle the pressure, you know."

Cameron: "You're your worst enemy, and we will get that sorted out after this discovery. You have made some little progress on cutting the swearing down, but you need to do more, and I feel that doing your blog about Ezra will hinder it. We get Edward to write or video the blog for you and have his own words about it."

Yeah, there was no way I could speak anything positive about Ezra after everything that's happened or what he said to me, and I can't hinder the progress I've made up to this day. So anyway, we drank water as I was utterly sweating from talking about my biggest fear in wrestling of challenging or demanding a UGWC World title match. It freaked me out, and I know it's an issue I must tackle.

Cameron: "Anyway, we will go to Barberville on Sunday and get you to do something that will get people to talk about how funny you are instead of serious all the time, and then you reward Ezra for a Darwin award. Now that the session has finished, you eat something before we go to the track, and you do your yoga and meditation process."

Konrad Raab: "That's a good idea."

We finished the individual therapy session, and I admitted what I had been hiding this entire time I've been in UGWC to someone I could trust; I never told anybody about my fear of chasing the UGWC World Title. I know it's something that's been holding me back for many years. I am still determining what Edward and Cameron have planned for me, but my main focus is to win a race this weekend. I came close yesterday and Wednesday and finished fifth in Tuesday's race. Josh Williams finished seventh as he did the race for me on Monday, and I'm thankful he did that for me.

Anyway, we had lunch, and then we got in my car to drive to Barberville, which was only forty minutes away from the driver's meeting, doing some heat races and primary races along with doing yoga and meditation with Quintin, still trying to bother me before I did heat races.

------------------------------------------------

Barberville, Florida. Sunday 11th February.

I was taken to a large field and saw multiple holes in the stones. Everything was totally paved with stones. There was also a large green lawn mower to sit and drive with. But at the same time, I was dressed up as a circus clown with a red nose, face paint, big boots and a multi-colour wig. While I didn't know the plan and it wasn't my concern, what I was wearing was, and I said this to both of them.

Konrad Raab: "I hate these clothes. Are you serious?"

Edward: "Yes, this is serious, Konrad. These clothes are what's going to be funny for what we're going to do."

Konrad Raab: "I look stupid."

Cameron: "That's the whole point. This therapy session is for you to do stuff outside your comfort zone of being silly and then reward Ezra with Edward's guidance of the Darwin award and being funny doing so."

I scoffed because I didn't like the idea of being funny, but I understood why.

Cameron: "Heck, this entire thing won the award back in two thousand and twenty-one. Someone died doing it, but of course, while these are rocks, instead of you actually dying, you'll be protected by mats when you fall in one with the lawn mower."

I was uncomfortable with this because doing stupid stuff like this was not me, but I get the meaning of what the Darwin Award is now to be rewarded for someone dying to do silly stuff. Of course, they said I wasn't going to die, knowing I would try to kill myself almost every day of the week.

Konrad Raab: "Did they die as a clown doing it?"

Edward: "No, but the reason we got you wearing clown clothes is because it's funny, and making you do what you're going to do will, in the end, make you laugh. You go on the lawn mower, drive it around until you fall down the rock hole, and pretend to be dead."

Cameron: "We want you to be silly because you need humour in your life, even if it means wearing a clown suit to do something; you will laugh at this, I promise you, and not only that, it will get wrestlers in UGWC to talk about this one silly thing you do instead of mocking you for horses and other shit."

They were right; I had been too hanging up on wrestlers mocking my behaviour with horses, despite it being my fucking therapy work and my behaviours outside of the ring. If this was a way for Edward and Cameron to make me do something like this, and then UGWC could mock and laugh at me about my stunt, I could be satisfied with it and laugh at it myself. This was precisely what they were doing instead of just doing the award, which would be too easy for me.

Konrad Raab: "I'll do it if it gets the whole mocking Konrad's for doing horse therapy horse shit off my back because I understand now, you're trying to help me for other wrestlers in UGWC to mock me for doing something stupid in a positive way and a way for me to laugh and not care about it."

Cameron: "That's exactly it, and you will laugh at it. Now, get on the lawn mower and have some fun. We aren't leaving until you do it."

I nodded as I understood the situation more and more now that it relates to doing something someone won as a Darwin award. I got on the lawn mower, which was hired by a local farmer, and I started it up. I started driving it, cutting the grass as it was supposed to, and then I zoomed faster on the lawn mower all around the stones with a smile on my face, and then I fell into the hole with the lawn mower itself without watching where I was going. Cameron and Edward laughed at me, and I heard them as I played dead in the hole.

Edward: "Did you see how ridiculous Konrad was to do that in a clown costume?"

Cameron: "There was a smile on his face doing it, too. Man, Konrad is hilarious. Even playing dead after falling into the stone hole is funny."

Edward: "Man, this is quality. I'll be ashamed if nobody in UGWC will mock Konrad for doing this because this is something to be mocked and laughed at positively."

Cameron: "The fact is, Edward, we have let Konrad be free and have him be silly. That was the goal, and we did it. Even in a clown costume, where he had fun doing it. What a Darwin dumb and is deserving of the award."

I played dead for a bit as the cameras that I discovered that were live for this and also for the UGWC website to upload so people could share the moment of one time I did something ridiculous was going to be mocked for a long time. I finally can laugh at it and shrug it off to share with others. I'd be disappointed if nobody laughed at this video.

------------------------

30 Minutes later.

I was back on the stone next to the hole I fell in with the lawn mower still in there to show I'd done the funny act. I was still wearing clown clothes as with Edward's guidance with the small trophy in my hand, even if it was a trophy I won at DirtCar Racing Nationals from the UMP Modifieds dirt race I had yesterday.

Konrad Raab: "I award this Darwin award to a guy who has been a thorn in my side. A guy who can be pretty stupid with his thoughts. A guy who quits because he's afraid of doing something stupid, a guy who always feels he's a good guy but turns out to be a hypocrite and trashes people. A guy who had Ezekiel guiding him and almost killed Ezra's spirit. But the guy is still alive, and last I heard, he has insanity issues that make his good guy rep he has about him put to being a load of rubbish and for doing silly things with shop sales. He is also known for having Wolf in his name while wrestling and having an attitude nothing like a wolf. This award goes to Ezra."

That was hard to do as I held up the Darwin award, even if it was for my Dirt Nationals Race win with an alligator design. The next time anyone will see me is on Monday, as I gave the blog powers to Edward, who could talk positively about Ezra more than I could. Anything I say will hinder my progress since I can't authentically be optimistic about Ezra right now. I go back to Daytona Beach and relax on the beach itself before doing yoga and meditation via the online mobile YouTube app.

----------------------------------------

Video blog about Ezra by Edward himself talking for Konrad via UGWC website.

"I know none of you know me. As you can see, Konrad is not speaking or writing today, so let me introduce myself. I'm Edward, Konrad's staff befriender at Camino Recovery Therapy. Konrad decided not to write about you this week because he feels he's incapable of doing so, and it would send him his progress backwards.

Don't worry, I'm not going to use vile words like the other dude named Steve that we, not Konrad, hired to talk videos for Konrad, but we sacked him when he discovered he wasn't going to show respect for other wrestlers. So, blame it on us, and we take full responsibility for our actions. We apologise, and it won't happen again. However, please enjoy the video we uploaded of Konrad doing something ridiculous that someone from the Darwin Awards won an award for in two thousand twenty-one, and mock him for doing it because it's excellent stuff. You guys and Konrad can share the laughter of it all and mock Konrad for it in a positive way.

Moving on and addressing Ezra directly. Ezra, I know Konrad isn't the kind of guy who will give you credit for it, but I will. You're right. As much as Konrad disagrees, you have been a guy who's won every UGWC title under the sun. Very successfully, as well. You won the tag titles with Dave Rydell, won the Cross-Hemisphere title by beating Dave Rydell, won the Conquest title shot and got yourself a world title match. Dude, you deserve all the world's respect for your achievements in wrestling.

Heck, I agree with what you said; Konrad does need saving from himself because he knows he's a toxic guy, Konrad knows he's got a lot of stuff to improve on, and we know he harms himself quite a bit while wrestling matches and quite frankly, harms himself out of the ring too. But you know why he's mad at you? Because you told him he's never going to become a Chaos Champion, tell him he should give up because he's outgrown it.

Did you think for one second that the reason he's done so many Chaos matches and wants to be Chaos Champion so severely is so he doesn't hurt himself anymore when he loses the title? He can earn his Chaos title shots by doing Chaos matches, eventually winning the Chaos title and losing it to stop hurting himself. Do you want Konrad to stop because of his age? So what. There are plenty of old guys in wrestling who won hardcore-like titles.

Sure, he wants to gain a good reputation, and he wants to stop being angry and become a more sociable person. The desire is there, and we're helping him through this process, but for him to quit what he does because of that? That's harsh, and even more harsh to say he'll never win the Chaos title. I know he has said things that are beyond unforgivable, to say the least, to you and the rest of the roster, and he's now feeling the consequences of it and is trying to change; he legitimately is you guys, and you can only take a look of the blog for his match against Jason Cashe he did, even though his twin brother has had a history with him.

The thing is, Konrad's determination in wrestling has always been never to give up. He's always been trained never to give up anything. If a task is uncompleted, he will continue chasing it until he completes his goal and moves on. He won the Cross-Hemisphere title because he didn't give up and moved on from it. It will be the same for the Chaos title as well.

The Cross-Hemisphere title is something Konrad's already won. He feels that if he holds the title again, it won't feel the same as the first time. You can respect that Konrad's not interested in breaking records, withholding the most Cross-Hemisphere titles. Konrad wants to hold belts once and see how long he'll last as champion with one reign. If he keeps it short or long, it doesn't matter to him. What matters is he's done it.

Well, there's another reason he goes for the Chaos title over the other title he never goes for. I let Konrad explain that himself when he's ready to, considering he needs a lot of work to overcome what's holding him back from chasing that belt. But regarding the cooperation title, he does have plans for the belt, I really do. However, I am still determining what his plans are with it. He's keeping that as much as a secret as he is with you wrestlers, and a sign of him growing to respect the cooperation division is the example.

I know he reacted severely at a loss against Lucy, even though he really shouldn't be when Konrad pushed Lucy to his limits, more than any wrestler has done from a former world champion. It's a shame Konrad doesn't see that as positive for him, but he realises it now. He was mad about the loss because of Lucy's lack of desire to win the belt, and Sebastian handed it the opportunity to her. Had Lucy wanted to win the title, the loss honestly wouldn't have been reacted so badly. Also, he doesn't like Avenger because his friend got him a title shot instead of earning a Chaos title match himself via doing Chaos matches, which in his eyes is not a Superhero method to do at all.

Those things affected Konrad so severely that it only made him dedicate himself more to the division and do everything he could to earn a Chaos title shot by winning Chaos matches. Konrad will quit once he has the Chaos title in his hands, and he'll stop doing Chaos matches altogether after he loses the title.

I'm not going to trash on you; I'm not going to swear and say things that go against my views on you. Everything I said is things Konrad wouldn't say most of the time. He's learning from this video as much as you are. He got excited when he was told on Friday that you challenged him to a Chaos match because he missed competing in Chaos matches. We wanted to talk to him earlier, but he's been busy this week with dirt car racing and doing production photo shoots and videos for Kaulig Racing for the upcoming full-time NASCAR Xfinity Series season and part-time Cup season.

Because he knows doing Chaos matches will make him a title contender, he knows he wants to earn it, so Konrad demands excessively, maybe more than most, because he badly wants to be champion. I'm sure it's the same for anyone who'd do everything to go for any title. The fact is, I'm sure Konrad regrets everything he has said to you, Ezra. He's only starting to realise he's done everything wrong in his career, and it's really up to him to make changes.

Even if you are trying to save him from himself by using Chaos match, you need to understand this in a way Konrad has never said because I think he expressed it differently. But believe me, he has done a ton of training to be ready to face you and wants to destroy you. Konrad hasn't said it, but I know Konrad does and wants to win to prove to you that he can be a Chaos title contender. That belt is why he's in the tournament in the first place to earn it. You're a good guy for wanting to help Konrad. Unfortunately, Konrad doesn't think that, sadly, but I do, and he does need to save himself. He does, and maybe it won't be this match that defines it, but trust me, he will appreciate you for it after he's won the Chaos title and lost it.

I can guarantee that will change, and that's why he gets extra confident in believing he can win this match against you, Ezra. He knows the wins you got over him only make him crave that desire to be a Chaos champion. I'll leave things there, and you see how ready and how much Konrad will do to win the match against you because it's business."