Post by Travis Pierce on Feb 10, 2024 20:13:50 GMT -5
We see a darkened set, with silhouettes visible of a table with someone sitting behind it. A voiceover is heard from Rob Cartwright.
Cartwright: Ladies and gentlemen, he is the host of The Piercing Truth, you know his name, the Icon of Entertainment, the King of Charisma, he is...TRAVIS PIERCE!
“You Know My Name” by Chris Cornell begins to play, and the lights come on to show a chair sitting backwards behind the desk. A monitor behind the chair shows the logo for The Piercing Truth. The chair slowly turns around, revealing Travis Pierce.
Pierce: Welcome to the show! I’m your host, Travis Pierce, cooperative with me as we reveal tonight’s top stories!
Travis switches to Camera B.
Pierce: South Carolina wants to resume executions with firing squad and electric chair, claiming that "instantaneous or painless" death is not mandated, leading some to suggest killing people the way that UGWC does, by making them watch Konrad Raab promos.
Travis switches to Camera A.
Pierce: A Frenchman spent the last eight years painstakingly piecing together 706,900 matchsticks to make a 23.6-foot model of the Eiffel Tower, easily beating the existing record by 2 feet. However, last week the Guinness Book of World Records had bad news for him: He used the wrong type of matchsticks to qualify for a record because they weren't commercially available. You ask me, using the wrong matchsticks is like signing up for a tournament you have no plans on giving any effort towards, and everybody wonders why you bothered to begin with.
Travis switches to Camera B
Pierce: South Korea's food ministry has urged people to not to eat green, fried toothpicks after TikTok users shared videos of themselves doing so. They also suggest that you shouldn’t eat yellow snow, but that’s never stopped Johnny Bonecrusher. We originally had an Alex Kiseragi joke here, but legal insists that isn’t funny anymore.
Travis switches to Camera A.
Pierce: A pigeon that spent eight months in Indian police custody has been released after it was finally cleared of being a suspected Chinese spy. In a related story, rumor has it that Dave Rydell has been released by UGWC after being finally cleared of having any talent.
Travis switches to Camera B.
Pierce: A strange noise is keeping Tampa, Florida, residents up at night. The thrumming is so loud that, at times, it sends tremors through their homes. One local scientist came up with a possible explanation for the disruption: mating fish. It’s possible that residents might be eavesdropping on black drum fish as they reproduce, but a more in-depth investigation revealed it was just Jason Cashe and Sloane Taylor.
Travis switches to Camera A.
Pierce: Speaking of dirty things that Sloane Taylor did, let’s get to the topic on everyone’s mind going into Infinity. What chance do the current Cooperative Champions have against the Piercing Media Empire? We’ll have answers to that before we know it, but first up this week is the match between yours truly and Lucy Wylde on Synergy, with Sebastian Everett-Bryce as the special guest referee. I hear you, Piercing Truthites. This is an unbelievably unfair situation. How can Lucy Wylde go into this match comfortably knowing that Seb is the referee, and knowing what is ahead of her at Infinity? Tell me, Lucy, whose side is Seb on?
Travis switches to Camera B.
Pierce: The Piercing Media Empire plucked Sebastian Everett-Bryce from obscurity and made him into the legend he is today. He says it all the time. “Welcome to the Empire.” What empire do you think he’s talking about? After all this time, you have to know where his true loyalties lie. I’m sorry to say, they aren’t with you.
Travis switches to Camera A.
Pierce: Don’t worry, Lucy. I’ve told Seb to play it cool. I told him that he can’t call this one down the middle, he’s got to make sure you have the edge, help you feel a little more secure, before he pulls the rug out from underneath you the following week. We can’t do it all at once. Infinity? We’ll deal with that later. This week, Seb is on your side. That’s what I think is fair, personally. You get this week. We get the next. See you Monday, Lucy, and just remember, it’s not my fault, that the truth…hurts.
Travis winks to the camera as “You Know My Name” plays again and we fade out.
Cartwright: Ladies and gentlemen, he is the host of The Piercing Truth, you know his name, the Icon of Entertainment, the King of Charisma, he is...TRAVIS PIERCE!
“You Know My Name” by Chris Cornell begins to play, and the lights come on to show a chair sitting backwards behind the desk. A monitor behind the chair shows the logo for The Piercing Truth. The chair slowly turns around, revealing Travis Pierce.
Pierce: Welcome to the show! I’m your host, Travis Pierce, cooperative with me as we reveal tonight’s top stories!
Travis switches to Camera B.
Pierce: South Carolina wants to resume executions with firing squad and electric chair, claiming that "instantaneous or painless" death is not mandated, leading some to suggest killing people the way that UGWC does, by making them watch Konrad Raab promos.
Travis switches to Camera A.
Pierce: A Frenchman spent the last eight years painstakingly piecing together 706,900 matchsticks to make a 23.6-foot model of the Eiffel Tower, easily beating the existing record by 2 feet. However, last week the Guinness Book of World Records had bad news for him: He used the wrong type of matchsticks to qualify for a record because they weren't commercially available. You ask me, using the wrong matchsticks is like signing up for a tournament you have no plans on giving any effort towards, and everybody wonders why you bothered to begin with.
Travis switches to Camera B
Pierce: South Korea's food ministry has urged people to not to eat green, fried toothpicks after TikTok users shared videos of themselves doing so. They also suggest that you shouldn’t eat yellow snow, but that’s never stopped Johnny Bonecrusher. We originally had an Alex Kiseragi joke here, but legal insists that isn’t funny anymore.
Travis switches to Camera A.
Pierce: A pigeon that spent eight months in Indian police custody has been released after it was finally cleared of being a suspected Chinese spy. In a related story, rumor has it that Dave Rydell has been released by UGWC after being finally cleared of having any talent.
Travis switches to Camera B.
Pierce: A strange noise is keeping Tampa, Florida, residents up at night. The thrumming is so loud that, at times, it sends tremors through their homes. One local scientist came up with a possible explanation for the disruption: mating fish. It’s possible that residents might be eavesdropping on black drum fish as they reproduce, but a more in-depth investigation revealed it was just Jason Cashe and Sloane Taylor.
Travis switches to Camera A.
Pierce: Speaking of dirty things that Sloane Taylor did, let’s get to the topic on everyone’s mind going into Infinity. What chance do the current Cooperative Champions have against the Piercing Media Empire? We’ll have answers to that before we know it, but first up this week is the match between yours truly and Lucy Wylde on Synergy, with Sebastian Everett-Bryce as the special guest referee. I hear you, Piercing Truthites. This is an unbelievably unfair situation. How can Lucy Wylde go into this match comfortably knowing that Seb is the referee, and knowing what is ahead of her at Infinity? Tell me, Lucy, whose side is Seb on?
Travis switches to Camera B.
Pierce: The Piercing Media Empire plucked Sebastian Everett-Bryce from obscurity and made him into the legend he is today. He says it all the time. “Welcome to the Empire.” What empire do you think he’s talking about? After all this time, you have to know where his true loyalties lie. I’m sorry to say, they aren’t with you.
Travis switches to Camera A.
Pierce: Don’t worry, Lucy. I’ve told Seb to play it cool. I told him that he can’t call this one down the middle, he’s got to make sure you have the edge, help you feel a little more secure, before he pulls the rug out from underneath you the following week. We can’t do it all at once. Infinity? We’ll deal with that later. This week, Seb is on your side. That’s what I think is fair, personally. You get this week. We get the next. See you Monday, Lucy, and just remember, it’s not my fault, that the truth…hurts.
Travis winks to the camera as “You Know My Name” plays again and we fade out.
