Post by thedarkdestroyer on Mar 2, 2024 10:49:05 GMT -5
“Fo sho, disniz beez a bizad idizzi, yah herd?”
Bark Destroyer aggressively scratches behind one of his ears as dogs sometimes do, then huffs loudly, and looks up at the Fly Forefather of Fiendishness, who’s enjoying his morning latte.
“It’s what our masters demand,” the small jet-black Corgi with the slightly glowing orange eyes replies. “Who are we to question their wisdom?”
“We beez doze dat nizowz dat dey order is mo an ordor. Fos sho yiz knizows dis idea be straight trippin, Barkman.”
The small dog’s eyes narrow into fiery little slits.
“Never call me ‘Barkman’ again.”
His Dankness angles his head, then holds his hands up defensively. “No offizense misnent.”
“Do it again, and you’ll to replace every shoe in your closet.”
His Dankness blinks in confusion. “Fo sho?”
“I for one thought that threat was going to be far worse.”
No one asked you, Minion.
“IT’S PHIL!!!”
Whatever.
“Both of you shut up.”
Bark Destroyer shoots a threatening glare at Phil, then his tongue falls from his mouth as he smiles.
“You’re adorable when you smile,” Phil says, reaching for his head.
The growl brings him up short.
“No pets.”
“Fiddlesticks.”
“Maybe later. We have an evil conundrum to work out first.”
Later
“HE-EYYYYYY!”
The Dark Destroyer steps into the door. In addition to his normal greeting, his arrival announced by a loud, dull thud.
“OW!”
Bark Destroyer and The Dank Destroyer roll their eyes in unison as Phil runs over to help the walking calamity who pays him to his feet.
“Are you ok, Boss?”
The Einstein of Evil puts a hand to his head and staggers through the door.
“Damn that infernal sandwich,” he yells. “It’s all his…”
“Nope,” Bark Destroyer replies.
“Her…” his Darkness stammers.
“Also nope.”
“Their…”
“Maybe.”
“THEIR fault.” The Dark One yells angrily.
“Better,” Bark Destroyer replies, sighing. “Just because we’re evil, doesn’t mean we have to be jerks.”
“Confounded confection!”
His Dankness shakes his head and gestures toward a far door. “Tizake the Dark One fo dat asprizin den hizave da homie siznooze.”
Phil shakes his head. “Fo sho.”
His Dankness flashes a metallic smile and points at Phil, finger gun style. The Destroyer and his assistant disappear down the hall and The Duke of Dank turns back to the Quadruped of Chaos.
“Ya bizoy stizill diz’nt jive wit dizat dizzy. Ya’ll nizow it gon’ fizail. Big Hizomie be…”
Bark Destroyer yawns. “Stupid.”
“Fo sho.”
His Barkness sneezes, suddenly and loudly. “I think I’m allergic to Minion.”
“IT’S PHIL” a high, squeaky voice yells from considerably down the hall, well out of earshot.
“He’s like a…”
“Dizawg?”
“Rememeber that threat from earlier?”
“Fo sho.”
“It’s about to get worse.”
“Word.”
Some Random Pizza Place Without a Basement
“THE CAPTAIN HAS ARRIVED FOR TRIANGULAR SUSTINANCE SLICES AND STRATEGY!!”
Oh, God. Why? Just…why?
“HEY-EYYYYY!!!”
“Sir…you can’t have that dog in here.”
Bark Destroyer looks up and does the closest approximation to a glare that a Corgi can do.
“Listen, moron, I’ve relieved myself on your family stump. That spatula you’re using has deeper roots!”
The dull eyed pie slinger looks at His Barkness. “He can’t be in here. He’s aggressive and dirty.”
“DIRTY,” Bark Destroyer yells. “I’M THE CLEANEST BEING IN HERE!!”
Don’t point at him, Captain. You’ll only make him angrier.
“WHY IS YOUR TINY DOGGIE SO UPSET??!!”
“Thiz miznoron insuizulted hizim.”
“THE CAPTAIN DOESN’T UNDERSTAND WHAT YOU”RE SAYING.”
“Do you have to yell,” Phil asks. “It’s making my head hurt.”
“HAIL, CITIZEN! THE CAPTAIN IS ALWAYS CLEAR IN HIS SPEECH, AS A HERO SHOULD BE!”
“It’s…weird.”
“LET THE CAPTAIN APOLOGIZE FOR YOUR HEAD PAIN WITH TWO SLICES OF TRIANGULAR JOY!!”
“I like Sicilian.”
“OR RECTANGULAR JOY. THE CAPTAIN CAN AFFORD IT FOR A LAW ABIDING CITIZEN!!”
“About that…”
Phil suddenly finds a finger pressed to his face.
“Shhhhhh,” His Dankness orders. “We nizeed hizim. Dizon’t mizake da big homie angrizzy.”
“THE CAPTAIN WISHES TO DISCUSS STRATEGY OVER PEPPERONI PLEASURE.”
“That sounds dirty.”
“HE-EYYYYY!!! THE DARK DESTROYER WANTS MUSHROOMS AND ANCHOVIES! THEY ARE EEEE-VIL!!!”
“THE CAPTAIN SAYS PEPPERONI!
“THE DARK DESTROYER WILL SHOW YOU”
The Destroyer grabs a slice off of a nearby plate and slaps The Captain in the face with it.
“THE CAPTAIN DOES NOT LIKE SPINACH PIZZA! HE IS NOT POPEYE!!”
“Guys…” Phil interrupts. “We have to discuss the match.”
“THE DARK DESTROYER WILL MAKE YOU SWEAR YOUR FEALTY TO EVIL LIKE ELON HOLLIS AND LANE CROTCH!”
“THE CAPTAIN WILL NOT BEND TO EVIL! HE IS A CHAMPION OF GOOD!”
“EVIL!”
“GOOD!”
“EVIL!”
“GOOD!”
“EVIL!”
“Guys, this isn’t helping.”
Bark Destroyer ends the palaver as a dog does.
“OW!! YOU BIT THE DARK DESTROYER!!”
“Listen, moron, you need to talk to him about your match.”
“ONE MINUTE SMALL DOG. THE DARK DESTROYER ISN’T DONE!”
He turns and lunges at the Captain.
“Did he just bounce off,” Phil asks.
“Fo sho.”
“YOU RAN INTO THE CAPTAIN ONLY TO BE DEFLECETED BY THE POWER OF GOOD!”
There’s a loud crash off camera.
“Did he?”
“Yes, Phil. He did,” His Barkness replies.
“Sizuddenly, ya boy don’t wizant a sazalad.”
“I think he’s stuck in a bucket of onions.”
“AGHHHHHHH!!! IT’S IN THE DARK DESTROYER’S EYES!!!”
“THE CAPTAIN WILL HELP FREE YOU, CITIZEN!!”
“Phil…”
“Yes, Your Barkness?”
“Call 911…”
“Roger!”
“IT BURNS AND REEKS OF ONIONS!!! AHHHHHH!!!”
Bark Destroyer aggressively scratches behind one of his ears as dogs sometimes do, then huffs loudly, and looks up at the Fly Forefather of Fiendishness, who’s enjoying his morning latte.
“It’s what our masters demand,” the small jet-black Corgi with the slightly glowing orange eyes replies. “Who are we to question their wisdom?”
“We beez doze dat nizowz dat dey order is mo an ordor. Fos sho yiz knizows dis idea be straight trippin, Barkman.”
The small dog’s eyes narrow into fiery little slits.
“Never call me ‘Barkman’ again.”
His Dankness angles his head, then holds his hands up defensively. “No offizense misnent.”
“Do it again, and you’ll to replace every shoe in your closet.”
His Dankness blinks in confusion. “Fo sho?”
“I for one thought that threat was going to be far worse.”
No one asked you, Minion.
“IT’S PHIL!!!”
Whatever.
“Both of you shut up.”
Bark Destroyer shoots a threatening glare at Phil, then his tongue falls from his mouth as he smiles.
“You’re adorable when you smile,” Phil says, reaching for his head.
The growl brings him up short.
“No pets.”
“Fiddlesticks.”
“Maybe later. We have an evil conundrum to work out first.”
Later
“HE-EYYYYYY!”
The Dark Destroyer steps into the door. In addition to his normal greeting, his arrival announced by a loud, dull thud.
“OW!”
Bark Destroyer and The Dank Destroyer roll their eyes in unison as Phil runs over to help the walking calamity who pays him to his feet.
“Are you ok, Boss?”
The Einstein of Evil puts a hand to his head and staggers through the door.
“Damn that infernal sandwich,” he yells. “It’s all his…”
“Nope,” Bark Destroyer replies.
“Her…” his Darkness stammers.
“Also nope.”
“Their…”
“Maybe.”
“THEIR fault.” The Dark One yells angrily.
“Better,” Bark Destroyer replies, sighing. “Just because we’re evil, doesn’t mean we have to be jerks.”
“Confounded confection!”
His Dankness shakes his head and gestures toward a far door. “Tizake the Dark One fo dat asprizin den hizave da homie siznooze.”
Phil shakes his head. “Fo sho.”
His Dankness flashes a metallic smile and points at Phil, finger gun style. The Destroyer and his assistant disappear down the hall and The Duke of Dank turns back to the Quadruped of Chaos.
“Ya bizoy stizill diz’nt jive wit dizat dizzy. Ya’ll nizow it gon’ fizail. Big Hizomie be…”
Bark Destroyer yawns. “Stupid.”
“Fo sho.”
His Barkness sneezes, suddenly and loudly. “I think I’m allergic to Minion.”
“IT’S PHIL” a high, squeaky voice yells from considerably down the hall, well out of earshot.
“He’s like a…”
“Dizawg?”
“Rememeber that threat from earlier?”
“Fo sho.”
“It’s about to get worse.”
“Word.”
Some Random Pizza Place Without a Basement
“THE CAPTAIN HAS ARRIVED FOR TRIANGULAR SUSTINANCE SLICES AND STRATEGY!!”
Oh, God. Why? Just…why?
“HEY-EYYYYY!!!”
“Sir…you can’t have that dog in here.”
Bark Destroyer looks up and does the closest approximation to a glare that a Corgi can do.
“Listen, moron, I’ve relieved myself on your family stump. That spatula you’re using has deeper roots!”
The dull eyed pie slinger looks at His Barkness. “He can’t be in here. He’s aggressive and dirty.”
“DIRTY,” Bark Destroyer yells. “I’M THE CLEANEST BEING IN HERE!!”
Don’t point at him, Captain. You’ll only make him angrier.
“WHY IS YOUR TINY DOGGIE SO UPSET??!!”
“Thiz miznoron insuizulted hizim.”
“THE CAPTAIN DOESN’T UNDERSTAND WHAT YOU”RE SAYING.”
“Do you have to yell,” Phil asks. “It’s making my head hurt.”
“HAIL, CITIZEN! THE CAPTAIN IS ALWAYS CLEAR IN HIS SPEECH, AS A HERO SHOULD BE!”
“It’s…weird.”
“LET THE CAPTAIN APOLOGIZE FOR YOUR HEAD PAIN WITH TWO SLICES OF TRIANGULAR JOY!!”
“I like Sicilian.”
“OR RECTANGULAR JOY. THE CAPTAIN CAN AFFORD IT FOR A LAW ABIDING CITIZEN!!”
“About that…”
Phil suddenly finds a finger pressed to his face.
“Shhhhhh,” His Dankness orders. “We nizeed hizim. Dizon’t mizake da big homie angrizzy.”
“THE CAPTAIN WISHES TO DISCUSS STRATEGY OVER PEPPERONI PLEASURE.”
“That sounds dirty.”
“HE-EYYYYY!!! THE DARK DESTROYER WANTS MUSHROOMS AND ANCHOVIES! THEY ARE EEEE-VIL!!!”
“THE CAPTAIN SAYS PEPPERONI!
“THE DARK DESTROYER WILL SHOW YOU”
The Destroyer grabs a slice off of a nearby plate and slaps The Captain in the face with it.
“THE CAPTAIN DOES NOT LIKE SPINACH PIZZA! HE IS NOT POPEYE!!”
“Guys…” Phil interrupts. “We have to discuss the match.”
“THE DARK DESTROYER WILL MAKE YOU SWEAR YOUR FEALTY TO EVIL LIKE ELON HOLLIS AND LANE CROTCH!”
“THE CAPTAIN WILL NOT BEND TO EVIL! HE IS A CHAMPION OF GOOD!”
“EVIL!”
“GOOD!”
“EVIL!”
“GOOD!”
“EVIL!”
“Guys, this isn’t helping.”
Bark Destroyer ends the palaver as a dog does.
“OW!! YOU BIT THE DARK DESTROYER!!”
“Listen, moron, you need to talk to him about your match.”
“ONE MINUTE SMALL DOG. THE DARK DESTROYER ISN’T DONE!”
He turns and lunges at the Captain.
“Did he just bounce off,” Phil asks.
“Fo sho.”
“YOU RAN INTO THE CAPTAIN ONLY TO BE DEFLECETED BY THE POWER OF GOOD!”
There’s a loud crash off camera.
“Did he?”
“Yes, Phil. He did,” His Barkness replies.
“Sizuddenly, ya boy don’t wizant a sazalad.”
“I think he’s stuck in a bucket of onions.”
“AGHHHHHHH!!! IT’S IN THE DARK DESTROYER’S EYES!!!”
“THE CAPTAIN WILL HELP FREE YOU, CITIZEN!!”
“Phil…”
“Yes, Your Barkness?”
“Call 911…”
“Roger!”
“IT BURNS AND REEKS OF ONIONS!!! AHHHHHH!!!”