Konrad's lessons on having high self-esteem.

["Burned in Blood" Konrad Raab]

Atlanta, Georgia. Wednesday 21st February.

So I was meant to start my sports psychology sessions on Monday, but facing Ragdoll and doing double headers of Daytona races, I couldn't. Tuesday wasn't visible either; let's say I had my new business adventure that took off. So instead, we're putting them to the following Monday when I will be home from racing since the weather is looking good for Atlanta Motor Speedway races this weekend, and I know who I'm facing and what title I'm going for, which would be more suitable.

That wasn't my main concern, nor were the Atlanta Motor Speedway Cup and Xfinity Series races where I made my name in NASCAR; I never had issues driving there, which is why I had a home in Atlanta, Georgia, too. My main concern was who this sports psychologist they'd found was. I have yet to learn about the person, except Cameron and Edward finally find one that would suit the issues I go through each time people tell me to go for World Title in any wrestling company, not just in UGWC.

It was a regular psychology session with Cameron, who was always with me so I could continue having these sessions while still in therapy without being in Spain psychically, and Edward, who ended up in the bedroom since he was never part of individual therapy sessions, tagged along to talk wrestling with since I didn't have any friends in wrestling to talk about it. We sat in my living room, where the meetings always occur, even at my Chicago home. I had to get this question off my mind.

Konrad Raab: "All I know is you told me my sports psychology sessions start Monday. But I don't know who this person is or if they've been qualified to talk about wrestling with me."

Cameron: "Trust me, they are. They know a lot about the professional wrestling business. It's a female named Josephine Perry who's known to be one of the top sports psychologists in the world."

I nodded and sighed with relief, knowing we got that part out of the way early, and I know now who I'm meeting and seeing in Atlanta the following Monday. Cameron goes into the actual session we're having today.

Cameron: "Anyway, let's talk about your blog. First, I'm glad you became honest with yourself to everyone. Whether people will comment about it is unknown since Ragdoll didn't comment back."

Konrad Raab: "I wish all wrestling matches were like that; just get in the ring and wrestle. But they'll still say I speak bull crap, most likely."

Cameron: "This is exactly the thinking you need to work on. You're negative all the time. Honestly, Konrad, you should be proud of your efforts."

Konrad Raab: "Like what efforts? I'm losing, and people are bringing up losses I have every five minutes? People mocking me for grooming a horse with it's private parts? I can't remember the last time anyone spoke about me that isn't about those two things."

I was always angry because I was already thinking ahead of the future and what my opponent, whoever I was facing next, would say to me in UGWC.

Cameron: "Well, last night when they said you're a hard worker and how they welcomed you to the business."

Konrad Raab: "That's true, and I can't wait to work more business hours with them. How I was accepted, like I felt welcomed, something I've never felt in UGWC for quite some time."

Cameron: "Yeah, and I saw you smiling yesterday, too. But we get talking about that tomorrow; what's important is your win against Ragdoll."

Konrad Raab: "Like many others in the tournament, I beat her without her fighting back. Whoopee do."

I saw Ragdoll's other matches, and they ended up the same way, honestly, of one-minute matches. It was why I knew I could do both Daytona races, knowing they would end up fast, and Cameron shook his head at me, wondering why I wasn't ecstatic about the win.

Cameron: "You need to be proud of the win. Granted, Ragdoll performed badly, but you beat a former world champion. Does that mean nothing to you?"

Konrad Raab: "I beat Travis Pierce so many times; it meant nothing, and it means nothing with beating Ragdoll either. If I'm happy to destroy Ragdoll and beat Travis Pierce many times, I'd be fak..........."

Cameron: "That's exactly what you got to do, is faking proud emotions, faking smiles because that will help you be proud of something in wrestling. Sometimes, we need to fake smiles and emotions to help us on a path of being happy. Beating two former world champions is a massive achievement. That's what you got to remember."

It was easy to fake a lot of things, but pretending to be happy with subpar achievements was something I struggled with because I didn't know how to. I had to think it over, and I know he was right; I should be proud of achievements like that, but the other issue is Nobody cared and bragging about beating Travis and Ragdoll would get me nowhere. I bragged about racing results and championships I won, but Nobody cared. I let Cameron talk at this point.

Cameron: "It doesn't matter if Nobody cares, it doesn't matter what anyone else thinks, you can be proud of those achievements and not care what anyone else says. I also think you care too much what other people say. Zane's right; you must find a way not to care what other people say about you. Even if they tell the truth and it hurts, sometimes it will make you a better person and wrestler."

I stayed silent as a rock because it was all I could do, and I had no response to anything he said. I drink some water I always left on the table for Cameron and me to drink during these one-to-one sessions. I started feeling lost on what he said because I had tried to please people my whole life, but I'm not good at switching that off and caring about myself. But I continued to listen to Cameron.

Cameron: "All the signs I've read online about people having low self-esteem, including being a people pleaser, apply to you, and this honestly needs to stop. I know your father made you the way you are, and I know you struggle to deal with harsh criticisms wrestlers have given you, past and present, but you need to overcome all of those that happened in the past and look forward to the future."

Still silent as a rock, despite moving around with my legs and arms to stop them from getting stiff, I did gulp because having high self-esteem was something I had never done in my whole life that wasn't faking it. It was all I could do, and I had no response because I was being the listener than reacting over crap that I had no defence for because I went back to my old ways, something I didn't want.

I went to the window, opened it to get some fresh air, and stood out of the sliding doors, looking at the outside of the pool, small garden, dirt and regular racing tracks for me and skate park for my lady friend. Still was listening to Cameron, though.

Cameron: "Nobody is saying not to use your anger; you just need to use it constructively. Nobody is telling you to be happy every day; that's unrealistic; you need to be happy a lot more often. I know this therapy has been challenging, and you're listening because you're being quiet, but I hope this has sunk in."

I knew Cameron stopped to drink water via the sliding door while I looked outside my outdoor area. I also know he was very concerned about me as well. I felt he had a smile, but I nodded, being quiet because I was listening to him.

Cameron: "I want you to tell me other moods you experience apart from anger and sadness because I feel you experience other emotions, but you don't show or tell them to anyone. However, that blog you wrote for the Ragdoll match was the most honest one I've ever seen from you since we started these sessions. You expressed a bit of your positives and also your struggles. Heck, admitting you didn't have any opinions on Ragdoll as a person, that's your biggest accomplishment of the entire blog."

Konrad Raab: "I thought I took time to reflect about myself rather than address her and what's at stake, to be honest; although I did a bit, it was more important to my self-reflection. It needed to be done."

Cameron: "That's why me and Edward every day will give you some quiet time because it certainly helped you in that case; even if it was raining that day, you wrote it, but giving you two hours to yourself to write that made you think what to write, and I think you need time to yourself way more often. You don't often get that quiet space to yourself, and you should do it more, and I don't mean going to the gym, either. Just time indoors, having time to read or play music or something."

He was right about everything, and I do need to stop having low self-esteem of myself. I need to listen to wrestlers more, and I certainly need to have friends. I had zero friends apart from three I had elsewhere, which was the issue I needed to discuss with Cameron. I came back, drank some water, and sat down.

Konrad Raab: "I still need friends in the wrestling business. Edward is a good guy, but I need someone to talk to who works in the business and not the other three people I mentioned a few weeks ago."

Cameron: "That will come when you open more about yourself with truth and honesty. We have somewhat of a starting process with that blog, but you need to throw yourself in there and interact with people. They aren't going to eat your arm off."

Konrad Raab: "There is this guy I've spoken to on social media that does fishing. He had a picture of him fishing and said we go one day, and he's a wrestler in the business."

Cameron: "Progress, but we also need to get you friends you currently work with. We will work on modifying and improving your behaviour first. But getting away from UGWC, I think, would be a starting point because there's no way people can chat with you at this stage."

That was understandable, and Cameron was right; UGWC is the place I needed a break from because the feeling I had at other shows and at Horizons was unpleasant. Thank god I could get a quick get in and out at Infinity, so I didn't have to talk to wrestlers who didn't care about my existence or care if I was wrestling. Of course, I couldn't go on a break just yet because I didn't know what title shot I had.

Konrad Raab: "I'm glad this new business was as successful as it was on Tuesday. But if I win whatever title shot I'll get in UGWC, I stay committed until I lose it."

Cameron: "That makes sense, but after that, take time away from there for two or three months, maybe longer, depending on your decision and then come back as a new guy, and they'd forget about what you've done with your toxic behaviour and ruining your reputation quite swiftly, especially if the new business would become successful."

Konrad Raab: "Exactly."

Cameron: "I think we're done discussing things for the day. I'm glad you listened because you needed to hear what I had to say, to be brutally honest. Now you have the day to yourself. Oh, and please don't end up having sex with that sports psychologist when she comes over."

I knew he would say that, considering that part of me is still an issue I want to tackle. The drinking alcohol thing was slowly not a problem anymore. I guess I have this sex problem because I want to be loved and cared for. That's not something to think about right now, as Edward came down after Cameron told him to. As we finished our one-to-one sessions and they went to do their own thing, I sat in front of the TV and played NASCAR Ignition twenty-one to play Atlanta track, not that I needed to as I know the track off by heart and won every race I've taken part there and it was fun to play.

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Atlanta, Georgia. Tuesday 27th February.

I had to pack to go to Las Vegas for the NASCAR Xfinity Series race, which I will do later today. I was still undefeated at Atlanta Motor Speedway and won both Cups by a small margin from Daniel Suarez and Kyle Busch and Xfinity Series by miles from Austin Hill, who was proving my most significant threat. Kaulig Racing was a great family team for me, and they've been checking up on me, hanging out with me, and consistently checking how I am.

But what was important right now was for the first time since it was going to be Monday, I didn't know what title or opponent I had until it all came last night; I was meeting this sports psychologist who knew more about the wrestling field than Cameron ever did. Of course, Cameron was going to be involved in these meetings I was to have with Josephine Perry.

She also was going to try to attend every race I had. Still, she was more there to help me tackle the demons of my fears of mentally preparing for a world title match, especially now I have to face Larry Tact for the Conquest title, only because Chaos was taken. The Cross-Hemisphere title wasn't a title I wanted to win again. I was already shaking like a leaf, knowing I wasn't ready for the World Title shot I could have, and I have been feeling nauseous.

Anyway, I was expecting her to come, as did Cameron, who was standing by the door since Josephine and Cameron had met face to face before to arrange all of this. I was sitting down, drinking Celsius drinks as they've started promoting me and Rockstar Energy drinks since being with Kaulig Racing. The doorbell rang, and Cameron let a lady through my house. Then he opened the door when she stood outside, and they shook hands. It was my sports psychologist.

Cameron: "Welcome Josephine. Sorry we made you come to Atlanta."

Josephine Perry: "No problem at all. It's not the first or the last time I'll come to America to help sports stars reach their potential. So where's this Konrad guy you spoke about?"

Cameron: "In the living room. Please take your shoes off and come through. Konrad's pretty strict on house cleanness."

It was true; I always ensured my visitors took their shoes off before entering any of my homes. I have a shoe rack to place shoes on. Josephine did that and came straight to the living room. She saw me as I stood up and spoke, and we shook hands.

Josephine Perry: "You must be Konrad Raab."

Konrad Raab: “Indeed I am.”

We let go of shaking hands, and she looked at the pictures of me winning Atlanta Motor Speedway races I had displayed all over my home from the Cup and Xfinity side of things. I also have two more pictures left to come from this weekend to put in my holiday home.

Josephine Perry: "Oh, I must say, I thought I was talking to a wrestler, not a NASCAR driver."

Konrad Raab: "You are, but I'm also a NASCAR driver as well."

Josephine Perry: "Wow, Cameron didn't tell me about that. But I know why he hasn't since the issues aren't in NASCAR."

I shook my head because although Cameron should've told her about NASCAR, it wasn't relevant to the discussion I needed to discuss. I sat in the middle, Cameron sat on one armchair, and Josephine sat on the other armchair. As I cleared my throat, I left a Celsius drink can for Josephine. She opened the can and drank some of it.

Josephine Perry: "So Cameron told me from reading your blog that you have massive mentality issues regarding chasing a wrestling world title, right?"

Konrad Raab: "Yes, and already, I have felt nausea over it along with the match against Larry Tact."

Josephine Perry: "This is pretty serious. OK, I will work with you on mentally making you stronger, and secondly, you will do a lot of gym work. I know you do a lot already, but you need to work out more to make you mentally ready."

Konrad Raab: "That's not the issue."

Josephine Perry: "I know, but mentally, it will help you be stronger. I read your blog Cameron gave me and said you've never been ready to go for the World Title. I can already tell from your body language that you're sweaty and shaking a lot because you're scared."

I was, and she could already sense that. I couldn't stop, and I wanted to be sick because I felt the pressure of people wanting me to be a wrestling world champion, and I couldn't do it. I listened to her like the day I did with Cameron.

Josephine Perry: "But your biggest issue, as Cameron told me the other day, is your low self-esteem. Having low self-esteem also affects your performance in the ring as well. I've seen your previous blogs, and you're vile not only to everyone but to yourself. You're way too hard on yourself."

Konrad Raab: "You try being positive when every wrestler around you says I will lose. How am I meant to improve myself with that? How am I meant to improve when people are still mocking me over horse cock shit that I had to do for therapy?"

Cameron: "Please watch your language, Konrad."

Josephine Perry: "Also, your anger issues are affecting your performance as well. You can't mentally go into any match and be angry. I suggest you use the anger in the ring only, not being angry at everyone and yourself. You need to be positive. You need to stop having low self-esteem, and you certainly need to stop giving a damn about what other people say."

I got angry and hated to do that, but I couldn't keep that off my mind. I was sick of it, but I had to take it from others because I did deserve it at the end of the day, and I wasn't going to argue about it anymore. It did me no good and led me down a path I never want to be in again. I felt terrible about swearing in front of Josephine, but I couldn't stop thinking about that despite trying to ignore them. I kept my mouth shut and listened to Josephine.

Josephine Perry: "What Cameron told you is what happens in sports. You must learn also. I know you've had a hard time growing up and not having a support network, and I know that's a big issue right now, but this low self-esteem thing is a bigger concern. You feel nauseated because you're scared, and I can tell you are. You need to relax and do what Cameron says."

Although it was almost the same thing Cameron said, I didn't realise what I was doing was also affecting my wrestling performance. Strangely, I never have these issues with NASCAR, but then again, NASCAR drivers weren't in my face, trashing me consistently. I get trashed by NASCAR drivers, but nowhere near as bad as wrestlers do it with me. I scratched my head in confusion.

Josephine Perry: "But the only thing I will say that's different is your meditation sessions. You can use imagery of performing well and, in this case, winning the Conquest title from Larry Tact. Just imagine you winning the title and also losing a match to recover from mistakes and poor performance. Self-talk yourself into believing you can win matches every time. Practice in front of a mirror since you don't have any friends outside of NASCAR to talk to, and talk to the mirror as if you're talking to a friend in wrestling."

Even Cameron nodded as these were ideas he didn't think of, nor did I, quite frankly, and it was now making a lot more sense. Josephine was hot and beautiful, I can't deny that, and I couldn't deny how badly I wanted to have sex with her, but I had to keep myself under control due to Cameron being there and due to the promise I made to him.

Josephine Perry: "Anxiety is a part of sport, but you get to know when your Anxiety is too strong, and you use coping methods to cope with that, like the yoga or meditation you already do. Also, you may use binoculars to see shapes and colours that calm your Anxiety before a match and imagine yourself winning matches."

Josephine looked at me, and I nodded at her as I drank more of my Celsius drink. She looked at Cameron at another idea she had to deal with me before my match preparation mentally.

Josephine Perry: "Have you thought about getting Konrad something to fidget with, like a spinner or a cube?"

Cameron: "I haven't."

Josephine Perry: "That might be something that could be helpful too. I want to see Konrad being more confident and upbeat about himself. I want Konrad to have high self-esteem. Those wins against Travis Pierce and Ragdoll, sure, everyone has beaten them, but for you especially, the wins are huge for you."

I know she was making sense, but I don't believe in pretending I'm happy to win and beat them when everyone else has. It didn't make my achievement unique, and it was difficult to see how people found beating Travis and Ragdoll an accomplishment. I kept quiet and tried to figure out how to be positive and not hurt myself and others.

Josephine Perry: "Honestly, the other results might be disappointing, and you lose a lot, but it's all in your head, Konrad. You're afraid of a world title match because you never faced that pressure, and you avoid it because you're afraid of losing and never getting another chance. How can you possibly know if you don't try? Sometimes you must leave your comfort zone to face your fears."

Konrad Raab: "I can't."

Josephine Perry: "You must think of other goals apart from Chaos title. There's a reason the Conquest title exists: to get you mentally ready for it. Yeah, you defend the title five times, and that's not easy to do, but that's the thing about the Conquest title. Instead of jumping straight into a world title match, you prove yourself to do five matches with the title, and if successful, you'd get the World Title match."

Konrad Raab: "I know, but it just scares me. I've always been afraid of getting the world title. I can't leave the words off paper or say the words of wanting the world title."

Josephine Perry: "That's why you need to change this mindset. Saying that is not going to get you there. Face your fears by facing Larry Tact for the Conquest title. Granted, you've never defeated him. I don't think you've faced him, but while I'm sure picking that title shot wasn't easy, it was the best thing for you."

Cameron: "Well, I leave you two to it. I'll go to the shop and get Konrad a fidget spinner and a fidget cube. Remember what I said the other day, Konrad."

I was disappointed when he said that, considering I know what he was talking about, and I think Josephine might, too. Anyway, he left my apartment to go out and get the things he wanted for me. I was still nervous about the whole thing, but I had to improve myself, even if my urges were challenging to maintain. It led Josephine to get back on topic.

Josephine Perry: "You know, losing isn't all that bad; I know it's hard to improve when people consistently put you down and tell you you will lose, but you have not to care what they say and believe in yourself. We will start the gym work process together tomorrow, and I give you the hardest things for you to achieve, and you will shout positive words each time you do them."

Konrad Raab: "Yeah, gym work is never an issue for me, but I'm guessing you know my weakness is stamina, so you'll push me through it. I will do some workouts for my other sport, too. Yeah, I know you're right, and I need to get myself sorted, and I need to, quite frankly."

Josephine Perry: "Good, I'm glad you've been listening and taking every advice Cameron and I have given you. Take every advice I've given you and do everything I've said to tweak your mentality and behaviour. I promise you that even if things don't work out this time with Larry Tact, they will eventually. You just got to work at it."

I nodded at her as we stood to shake hands, and she put her shoes on and left immediately. I had to do something, so I went outside and played soccer to distract myself from the urges I was thinking about. Cameron returned ten minutes later with a fidget spinner and cube for me to use before my matches.

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Working on confidence and having high self-esteem to win the Conquest title blog.

“While I will write about my opponent a lot more today, it's also a match that I will be working on my self-esteem and confidence. Honestly, I have been told by many people I've got self-esteem issues, and you'd be right, I have got self-esteem issues. I've never had high self-esteem with myself for a long time, and it's time I worked on it. I should've been proud to win against Travis Pierce and Phrixus Deimos, being former World Champions, but I completely ignored that part because everyone else had done it. It should've meant a lot more to me because of their ranking and I know how difficult it is winning the world title, for me, well read the last blog how extremely difficult it is for me to talk about that. Winning against Ragdoll is a big honour, considering she defeated some top names.

But it's an honour facing Larry Tact too because he also has beaten the top names in UGWC, but my opinion of him as a person is still complex for me to say to be honest. One part: Larry hasn't said or done anything to me and has been a threat to anyone for championships around here. At the same time, he pissed off my twin brother by putting him in handcuffs to beat him down while he was trying to work his way around overcoming his fears of ladies. I'm working on leaving the past behind and be a lot less hatred amongst other things, but I don't think I can when my twin brother is still consistently working to be less fearful of ladies and well, you know what I have to work on.

I realise I'm working on having high self-esteem and the thing is I've been here for many years and rarely brag about winning the Cross-Hemisphire title and it has caused people not to care because I don't talk about it. I am proud of that one Cross-Hemisphere title reign I had so that I won't go for the title again. I prefer to be a guy that's held title once and moving on because if I held it again, it won't be the same and the first time of holding the Cross-Hemisphere title would be forgotten about. Something I don't want to do ever again.

I know you're going through changes now, Larry, to be a decent guy, something I wish I could be, but at the same time, being in this match with you with all trash being thrown at me only makes me want to step the fuck up and do everything I can to get you down. Granted, the thought of going for the World Title still scares me, but that's why I needed to go for the Conquest title to overcome my fears. You, Larry, the only thing you have to overcome to win your first title here. Winning matches isn't a problem, but winning titles is.

Sure, that has been a stigma for you and has been a hard road, but I believe you will get there, but not at the extent of me because you see Larry, I'm not the perfect person, but I have the biggest fucking heart in this company because I don't die. Many people want me to, but I'm not going to. You might've had a better win loss record to me, but I've worked my ass off to get here, to be ready for the world title someday. It might not be after five title defences, but I want to shock the world.

Shock the world that I'm no longer a loser, a joke, and people say I will lose matches every fucking minute. I'm beginning to realise I need to focus on myself, not what people say about me, but on me and beating you for the Conquest title which I know everyone is against me. Still, I'm going to make them laugh by doing everything I can to knock your ass down Larry because it's a competition. I may respect you, but I won't be a stepping stone to you just because I do. I will push you to your limits and step on your toes.

I will go in with all the confidence in the world I've never had for many years to beat you down and make sure that everyone remembers Konrad Raab overcame all the doubters, everyone against me my entire life in and out of wrestling. Synergy four hundred and twenty-four will be remembered that Konrad Raab shocks all the odds against him to win the Conquest title because I fucking need to and excuse me for swearing here, but it's for a good reason Larry. I'm angry, but in a positive way to beat you. If I don't, I allow you to shovel me and dig me up to bury me into the ground.

I will make this match like you want to face me so severely. I know I don't know much other than what I've said about excellent matches you've had against top talent, including Sebastian, having close calls of winning the UGWC World Title. Still, you have not overcome as much as I have in UGWC, and you're going to suffer me beating you down and win the Conquest title because nobody will stop me.

You try as hard as you want, but I'm walking away with the win because I've earned this opportunity. You're not taking it away from me when I will do everything to pin you and become the new Conquest champion because I've been here longer than you. I deserve to be champion here than you are, despite wins and losses you've had, but I've worked harder to capture my second-ever championship title. I see you on Monday night.”