Post by Declan Prescott on Jun 30, 2010 7:38:33 GMT -5
The modestly sized, yet sleekly designed apartment that both Mr. and Mrs. Prescott called home. Declan sat inside the dimly lit home office – the only light emanating from the computer monitor. His face was gaunt and a thin layer of stubble crept its way through his skin. A smirk crossed his face.
“Fucking pitiful.”
The Significant Player stares on at GIW.com, reading the announcement displayed.
“Is ‘unmissable’ even a word?”
A thin beam of blinding white light pierced the room, sending Declan spinning on his chair. The door had crept open and a shadow from the other side overpowered the small ray of light.
“Cara? Is that you?” There was a sense of not only uncertainty, but even hostility, in his voice.
“No, sir,” the reply came, as the door now opened fully, blinding Declan with the harsh, invading brightness. The figure was so large, The Significant Player instantly knew who it was. “I just wanted to see if the master required any refreshments?” Aesc The Butler said. “You’ve been cooped up in here a very long time, if you don’t mind my saying so, sir.”
“As a mater of fact, I do mind. If I want something I’ll fucking ask you for it and until that happens, you find a hole to crawl into and stay the fuck out of my way!”
“I apologise, master. I did not mean to impede.”
“Well seeing as you’re here anyway,” Declan responded, ushering the giant to him with his hand. “You might as well read this… assuming you can even read.”
“I cannot, sir,” the big man replied, upon arriving next to Declan. The Significant Player only sighed with disgust.
“Then what the fuck are you good for?”
“Well, sir, my green tea is quite renowned throughout all of DJ’s Hardcore House Of Fun. Not as popular as the ‘gimp tea’ mind you, huh sir? Ohohohohoho.”
Aesc continues chuckling, as Declan only shakes his head with utter disdain.
“Well can you shut the hell up and listen? Is that within your repertoire?!”
“Oh apologies, sir,” Aesc replied. “I just crack myself up sometimes. Please, my attentiveness is at your disposal.”
“Well basically,” The Heart And Soul Of GIW began. “Boss P is trying to promote my match this week as something more worthy than watching paint dry. While I can respect the good people of Los Angeles paying their hard earned cash – or maybe stolen, drug money – to see yours truly compete, anyone looking for a competitive main event would probably be better off visiting Gaffney’s fed – or whatever the fuck is left of the place.”
“Please explain yourself, master,” Aesc replied. “You have perked my curiosity.”
“First up we’ve got Jack Severino. The man I just defeated a few days ago. Now tell me exactly what the fuck has changed between now and then? He’s angrier? I knocked even more of his brain cells out of commission? Bones’ ass is even more red and swollen from taking too much ‘Diamond’? Absolutely nothing has changed. So lets just move on.
“Brandon ‘More Resilient Than The Crab’s In Bones’ Ass Hair’ Brown? I thought the point of Horizons was to beat him out of my life once and for all. Yet Boss P is throwing him at me already?! What does that flightless fuck hope to achieve? That I’ll feel so sorry for Brandon and the joke that he’s become – thanks to me – that I’ll let him beat me? Because I can sure as hell guarantee that’s the only way he’s even got a chance against me. Tell me what exactly has changed between Horizons and now?”
“Maybe I could answer that.”
“SHUT THE FUCK UP!" Declan spat.
“Excuse me, sir?” Aesc inquired, noticeably startled. “I did not speak, master.”
“What?! You just sai k”
“Forgive me, sir, but it must have been your imagination.”
“Ha! Yeah! Your imagination!”
“You didn’t hear that?!”
“No, sir...”
“I heard it.”
“ARGH!!!!!”
With primordial rage, Declan blasted to his feet and sent a single fist smashing through the computer monitor. The screen shattered entirely, sending sparks flying and Aesc diving to the ground, using his tea tray as head cover.
“NOTHING HAS CHANGED! NOT A GOD DAMN THING!”
“Are you certain about that?”
“I’VE NEVER BEEN MORE CERTAIN ABOUT ANYTHING IN MY LIFE! BRANDON BROWN IS A JOKE! A DISEASE! A WORTHLESS PARASITE THAT I HAVE TO PUT DOWN!!!”
“Cer - certainly, sir,” The Butler responded, trembling. “G – give him one f – for old Aesc.”
“Shut the fuck up, Jeeves! I’m not done! We’ve still got Kiseragi! Want to know what he did that was so special? Do you?!”
“B – b – by all – all means, sir.”
“He had his dadda fight his battles for him. Yeah, that’s all. Whether it was myself or that backward, inbred, trailer trash BoolZ, that’s Kiseragi’s one biggest achievement – he had his father fight his battles for him. And that was back then! Back when he was in shape! Now he’s a tubby, Ayatollah wannabe that no one remembers or cares about. Hell, in his prime, he couldn’t even beat the weaker half of The Revolution. Now he thinks he can best me?! HA! Wanna know what’s changed for Kiseragi?!”
“Now he’s in real danger.”
“GOD DAMMIT, JEEVES, WHAT’D I SAY?!”
“Master, I didn’t spe – ”
“I SAID SHUT YOUR FUCKING MOUTH! NOW I’LL TELL YOU WHAT’S CHANGED! WHAT’S CHANGED IS THAT KISERAGI IS EVEN MORE HELPLESS, DISGUSTING AND OBSOLETE THAN HE WAS A MONTH AGO! AND BACK THEN HE WAS STILL NOTHING! NOT EVEN A SPEC ON THE RADAR! NOT EVEN A PIECE OF SHIT TO STEP OVER!! JUST COMPLETELY WORTHLESS! THEY ALL ARE, YOU HEAR ME?!”
“Ye – ye – yes, master!” Aesc cried, his voice now overcome with dread.
“I wonder what she thought of that little outburst?”
Declan slapped his palm to his forehead, not noticing the blood that was now pouring down his arm spattering across his face, before marching from the room. Trying his best to calm himself, he entered the master bedroom.
“The fuck?”
Empty.
He made his way into the living room.
Empty.
Staring over the kitchen counter, he could see it was also…
Empty.
Staring through the glass door to the balcony, his worst fears were confirmed.
Empty.
“She’s gone! The glorious little butterfly is gone! Oh woe is me! Whatever shall you do?!”
“JUST SHUT UP! I CAN’T HANDLE YOUR STUPID VOICE ANYMORE!!!!!”
“But Declan, I haven’t even told you my name.”
“You haven’t seen her, then?”
“Afraid not, Decla – DAMMIT GEORGE, THE GREEN CRATES GO OVER THERE!!!”
From the catwalk above the main floor of the warehouse, Woodward threw a stern finger in the opposite direction of the forklift driver’s current vector. The red faced operator shouted back a response of compliance, before nearly running a fellow employee over, while trying to make a U-turn.
Declan sighed and turned on his feet. “Well, if she comes b – ”
“How long has she been gone?” Woodward grunted, turning his attention back to Declan.
“Since this morning,” The Significant Player responded. “She was sleeping next to me when I woke up. I spent a few hours on the computer and when I came out - ”
SMASH!!!
Declan was cut short, as a raging fist came bashing into the side of his skull. He was sent spiralling out of control and crashed his head against the handrail of the catwalk, before tumbling onto the metal floor. Woodward stood above him, his face lurched in anger, breathing with fury, his knuckles beginning to bruise instantly.
“You piece of shit!” Woodward spat! “What the fuck did I tell you?! I told you that YOU had to take care of her! That it was YOUR responsibility! THAT SHE’LL ALWAYS NEED YOU!!!”
Declan only spat out a large glob of blood. He wasn’t sure if he could move or not, but chose to remain where he was, regardless.
“That’s a smart idea!” Woodward blasted. “Because if you even try to stand up again I’ll send you crashing right back down! You don’t even deserve to live, let alone stand up! You spat in the face of everything Jeremy taught you for that girl! And she fucking loved you for it! Now you’re rejecting her too?! YOU DISGUST ME!!!”
“Well, I asked if you had seen her for a reason, old ma – ”
Woodward raised his boot in the air and promptly hammered it down into Declan’s throat.
“DON’T YOU FUCKING DARE CALL ME ‘OLD MAN’!” he roared, his face now a thunderous red. The employees below could clearly hear the sound of his demonic voice, but all knew better than to look up. “YOU BETTER FIND THAT GIRL AND SOON! BECAUSE IF ANYTHING HAPPENS TO HER, I’M HOLDING YOU PERSONALLY RESPONSIBLE!!!”
He had heard similar words from a very different man once before. It seemed Declan Prescott could no longer even keep track of all the people he had failed.
“Now I’m gonna take my foot off your throat” Woodward hissed, his tone, while much quieter, was infinitely more dangerous. “And when I do, you’re gonna crawl away like the worthless dog that you are.”
The red from Declan’s face vanished, as he took one, enormous breath in, now that Woodward had once again placed both his feet on the floor. The battle hardened veteran stared at The Significant Player, as if daring him to stand. His eyes blazed with unbridled wrath.
“Go on!” He commanded, pointing to the exit. “Crawl! And bark like a dog as you go!”
…
…
…
…
…
Declan didn’t move. Woodward blasted a devastating kick into The Heart And Soul’s ribs. Declan rolled to his side, coughing up a large splutter of blood.
“Are you really gonna take this from him?!”
Declan smirked as he spat out yet more blood, causing Woodward’s eyes to bulge almost to the point of exiting his head. The Significant Player then climbed to his knees, that sickening smirk still painted on his face.
“WHAT’D I TELL YOU?!” the grizzled Woodward roared, before launching a fist straight at Declan’s face.
The Significant Player blocked the strike with ease and launched a powered fist of his own into the old man’s groin. Woodward erupted in an agonising howl, before Declan grabbed him by the throat and slammed him spine first into the handrail.
“The next part of your body that touches me, comes off,” Declan grinned sadistically. “You clear on that, old man?!”
Declan squeezed even harder, as the enraged Woodward wheezed and gasped in an epileptic fit, trying desperately to form a reply. Declan, with lighting fast speed, then pulled the old man up and bashed his skull directly into the opposite handrail. The veteran rolled uselessly to the catwalk floor, before The Significant Player turned on his heels and began marching upright to the exit.
“Are you sure you wanna just leave him like that? Could come back to bite ya…”
People - journalists, fans and even friends - often ask me: who is Declan Prescott? It used to be so easy. I mean, not the answering part, I’m way too shy for that. But I knew the answer, even I couldn’t say it. ‘Declan Prescott is the reason I live. The reason I breathe. The reason I laugh. The reason I cry. The reason I sing. The reason I fear. The reason I love.
Declan Prescott is my husband.’
But now I’m not so sure. I don’t think I know the answer anymore. Because, you see, there’s more to Declan Prescott. A lot more. I wish there wasn’t because I hate what I see, but there is. There is and I can’t do anything about it! That’s the worst part. The powerlessness. The helplessness.
You see, unavoidable events take place in this world. Should you find yourself in the blast radius of one of these events, you have one of two options: lay down like a dog and accept your fate or meet this event head on with everything you have. No matter what you decide upon, your life will never be the same.
You will never be the same.
At least that’s what some people say. It’s all fucking bullshit, if you ask me (and I know you didn’t). I used to face everything in my life head on. Well, maybe not exactly. When my Declan was with me, I felt like I could do anything. As if I could fly through the stars, if I wanted it badly enough. It was so easy to be brave. I promised myself that I’d never lie down like a dog ever again.
I fucking hate myself.
Declan doesn’t see it, but I’m weak. When he’s not with me, something happens to me. I hear things. Sometimes I see them. Things that shouldn’t be. Things that can’t be. They never come when I’m with Declan. Declan made everything okay. All I had to do was be there. He didn’t care if I was in a bad mood, I hadn’t done my hair or makeup or even if I didn’t want to have sex. As long as I was close, he was happy with me. The only thing we wanted was to be in each other’s company. To not have to share each other with anyone else in the whole world.
Then he changed. Little things at first. The way he looked at me sometimes. Like it was with eyes that didn’t belong to him. Hard, merciless, unforgiving eyes. Then his touch – which I used to find so lovingly warm and calming – started to turn my skin cold. Then it was the sex. We used to make love. Sweet, delicate, gentle, embracing love. He’d make me squeal with ecstasy, until I’d lose all control of myself and my entire body turned to jelly. It was the greatest thing I’ve ever known. But it became different. Harder, faster and with no emotion. Like I wasn’t even there. Like I was just a piece of meat. Then he’d pretend to comfort me when I cried. Maybe that was the worst part. The demon you know, right?
I left him. Just walked out one morning. He didn’t even notice and I can’t see him caring when he does. Now I’m all alone once more. With nowhere to go and no one to take care of me. No one to protect me. No one to love me.
I don’t believe in God, but if I did, I’d be hoping that he thinks it’s fucking funny. After all, I wouldn’t want my suffering to be completely pointless. But, really, it is. Just like I am. There’s no point for me to go on. Like I said, Declan was the reason I live. Now I’m just useless.
When you go through your entire life – from the very instant you’re born – having everyone that knows you tell you you’re worth nothing at all, you believe it. You believe that you don’t deserve to live. That your existence is a waste to the world. Then, all of a sudden, for no reason at all, someone decides they love you. That they want to spend the rest of their life making you happy. That they’re willing to give up absolutely everything they have if it will make you just a little more comfortable. But, as much as you want to, you can’t ever truly believe it. It’s too late by then. You’re already convinced that you’re worthless. But you try as hard as you can to pretend. To be embraced by the love of another and truly give your life meaning.
But it’s just a fucking joke. Nothing ever changes. Sooner or later the person that thinks they love you will realise the inescapable – that their time is better spent on something else. That any encouragement or affection or love that they’d give you would simply be wasted.
And then they’re gone.
Goodbye.
“Fucking pitiful.”
The Significant Player stares on at GIW.com, reading the announcement displayed.
This week four of GIW’s biggest stars will wage war in Sentinel’s main event match! Three former Global Heavyweight Champions and Mr. Diamond In The Bank himself will face off in what promises to be one hell of an encounter. We’re all aware of the brutal battles Brandon Brown and Declan Prescott have waged and no one could forget the triple cage classic that Brown and Alex Kiseragi destroyed each other in last October. Added to the fact that Jack Severino is sure to be gunning for Prescott after this week’s victory of The Significant Player over The Diamond In The Rough and you have all the ingredients necessary for an unmissable showdown!
Click HERE for a full history of Brandon Brown and Declan Prescott’s incredible rivalry!
[/I]“Is ‘unmissable’ even a word?”
A thin beam of blinding white light pierced the room, sending Declan spinning on his chair. The door had crept open and a shadow from the other side overpowered the small ray of light.
“Cara? Is that you?” There was a sense of not only uncertainty, but even hostility, in his voice.
“No, sir,” the reply came, as the door now opened fully, blinding Declan with the harsh, invading brightness. The figure was so large, The Significant Player instantly knew who it was. “I just wanted to see if the master required any refreshments?” Aesc The Butler said. “You’ve been cooped up in here a very long time, if you don’t mind my saying so, sir.”
“As a mater of fact, I do mind. If I want something I’ll fucking ask you for it and until that happens, you find a hole to crawl into and stay the fuck out of my way!”
“I apologise, master. I did not mean to impede.”
“Well seeing as you’re here anyway,” Declan responded, ushering the giant to him with his hand. “You might as well read this… assuming you can even read.”
“I cannot, sir,” the big man replied, upon arriving next to Declan. The Significant Player only sighed with disgust.
“Then what the fuck are you good for?”
“Well, sir, my green tea is quite renowned throughout all of DJ’s Hardcore House Of Fun. Not as popular as the ‘gimp tea’ mind you, huh sir? Ohohohohoho.”
Aesc continues chuckling, as Declan only shakes his head with utter disdain.
“Well can you shut the hell up and listen? Is that within your repertoire?!”
“Oh apologies, sir,” Aesc replied. “I just crack myself up sometimes. Please, my attentiveness is at your disposal.”
“Well basically,” The Heart And Soul Of GIW began. “Boss P is trying to promote my match this week as something more worthy than watching paint dry. While I can respect the good people of Los Angeles paying their hard earned cash – or maybe stolen, drug money – to see yours truly compete, anyone looking for a competitive main event would probably be better off visiting Gaffney’s fed – or whatever the fuck is left of the place.”
“Please explain yourself, master,” Aesc replied. “You have perked my curiosity.”
“First up we’ve got Jack Severino. The man I just defeated a few days ago. Now tell me exactly what the fuck has changed between now and then? He’s angrier? I knocked even more of his brain cells out of commission? Bones’ ass is even more red and swollen from taking too much ‘Diamond’? Absolutely nothing has changed. So lets just move on.
“Brandon ‘More Resilient Than The Crab’s In Bones’ Ass Hair’ Brown? I thought the point of Horizons was to beat him out of my life once and for all. Yet Boss P is throwing him at me already?! What does that flightless fuck hope to achieve? That I’ll feel so sorry for Brandon and the joke that he’s become – thanks to me – that I’ll let him beat me? Because I can sure as hell guarantee that’s the only way he’s even got a chance against me. Tell me what exactly has changed between Horizons and now?”
“Maybe I could answer that.”
“SHUT THE FUCK UP!" Declan spat.
“Excuse me, sir?” Aesc inquired, noticeably startled. “I did not speak, master.”
“What?! You just sai k”
“Forgive me, sir, but it must have been your imagination.”
“Ha! Yeah! Your imagination!”
“You didn’t hear that?!”
“No, sir...”
“I heard it.”
“ARGH!!!!!”
With primordial rage, Declan blasted to his feet and sent a single fist smashing through the computer monitor. The screen shattered entirely, sending sparks flying and Aesc diving to the ground, using his tea tray as head cover.
“NOTHING HAS CHANGED! NOT A GOD DAMN THING!”
“Are you certain about that?”
“I’VE NEVER BEEN MORE CERTAIN ABOUT ANYTHING IN MY LIFE! BRANDON BROWN IS A JOKE! A DISEASE! A WORTHLESS PARASITE THAT I HAVE TO PUT DOWN!!!”
“Cer - certainly, sir,” The Butler responded, trembling. “G – give him one f – for old Aesc.”
“Shut the fuck up, Jeeves! I’m not done! We’ve still got Kiseragi! Want to know what he did that was so special? Do you?!”
“B – b – by all – all means, sir.”
“He had his dadda fight his battles for him. Yeah, that’s all. Whether it was myself or that backward, inbred, trailer trash BoolZ, that’s Kiseragi’s one biggest achievement – he had his father fight his battles for him. And that was back then! Back when he was in shape! Now he’s a tubby, Ayatollah wannabe that no one remembers or cares about. Hell, in his prime, he couldn’t even beat the weaker half of The Revolution. Now he thinks he can best me?! HA! Wanna know what’s changed for Kiseragi?!”
“Now he’s in real danger.”
“GOD DAMMIT, JEEVES, WHAT’D I SAY?!”
“Master, I didn’t spe – ”
“I SAID SHUT YOUR FUCKING MOUTH! NOW I’LL TELL YOU WHAT’S CHANGED! WHAT’S CHANGED IS THAT KISERAGI IS EVEN MORE HELPLESS, DISGUSTING AND OBSOLETE THAN HE WAS A MONTH AGO! AND BACK THEN HE WAS STILL NOTHING! NOT EVEN A SPEC ON THE RADAR! NOT EVEN A PIECE OF SHIT TO STEP OVER!! JUST COMPLETELY WORTHLESS! THEY ALL ARE, YOU HEAR ME?!”
“Ye – ye – yes, master!” Aesc cried, his voice now overcome with dread.
“I wonder what she thought of that little outburst?”
Declan slapped his palm to his forehead, not noticing the blood that was now pouring down his arm spattering across his face, before marching from the room. Trying his best to calm himself, he entered the master bedroom.
“The fuck?”
Empty.
He made his way into the living room.
Empty.
Staring over the kitchen counter, he could see it was also…
Empty.
Staring through the glass door to the balcony, his worst fears were confirmed.
Empty.
“She’s gone! The glorious little butterfly is gone! Oh woe is me! Whatever shall you do?!”
“JUST SHUT UP! I CAN’T HANDLE YOUR STUPID VOICE ANYMORE!!!!!”
“But Declan, I haven’t even told you my name.”
* * * * *
“You haven’t seen her, then?”
“Afraid not, Decla – DAMMIT GEORGE, THE GREEN CRATES GO OVER THERE!!!”
From the catwalk above the main floor of the warehouse, Woodward threw a stern finger in the opposite direction of the forklift driver’s current vector. The red faced operator shouted back a response of compliance, before nearly running a fellow employee over, while trying to make a U-turn.
Declan sighed and turned on his feet. “Well, if she comes b – ”
“How long has she been gone?” Woodward grunted, turning his attention back to Declan.
“Since this morning,” The Significant Player responded. “She was sleeping next to me when I woke up. I spent a few hours on the computer and when I came out - ”
SMASH!!!
Declan was cut short, as a raging fist came bashing into the side of his skull. He was sent spiralling out of control and crashed his head against the handrail of the catwalk, before tumbling onto the metal floor. Woodward stood above him, his face lurched in anger, breathing with fury, his knuckles beginning to bruise instantly.
“You piece of shit!” Woodward spat! “What the fuck did I tell you?! I told you that YOU had to take care of her! That it was YOUR responsibility! THAT SHE’LL ALWAYS NEED YOU!!!”
Declan only spat out a large glob of blood. He wasn’t sure if he could move or not, but chose to remain where he was, regardless.
“That’s a smart idea!” Woodward blasted. “Because if you even try to stand up again I’ll send you crashing right back down! You don’t even deserve to live, let alone stand up! You spat in the face of everything Jeremy taught you for that girl! And she fucking loved you for it! Now you’re rejecting her too?! YOU DISGUST ME!!!”
“Well, I asked if you had seen her for a reason, old ma – ”
Woodward raised his boot in the air and promptly hammered it down into Declan’s throat.
“DON’T YOU FUCKING DARE CALL ME ‘OLD MAN’!” he roared, his face now a thunderous red. The employees below could clearly hear the sound of his demonic voice, but all knew better than to look up. “YOU BETTER FIND THAT GIRL AND SOON! BECAUSE IF ANYTHING HAPPENS TO HER, I’M HOLDING YOU PERSONALLY RESPONSIBLE!!!”
He had heard similar words from a very different man once before. It seemed Declan Prescott could no longer even keep track of all the people he had failed.
“Now I’m gonna take my foot off your throat” Woodward hissed, his tone, while much quieter, was infinitely more dangerous. “And when I do, you’re gonna crawl away like the worthless dog that you are.”
The red from Declan’s face vanished, as he took one, enormous breath in, now that Woodward had once again placed both his feet on the floor. The battle hardened veteran stared at The Significant Player, as if daring him to stand. His eyes blazed with unbridled wrath.
“Go on!” He commanded, pointing to the exit. “Crawl! And bark like a dog as you go!”
…
…
…
…
…
Declan didn’t move. Woodward blasted a devastating kick into The Heart And Soul’s ribs. Declan rolled to his side, coughing up a large splutter of blood.
“Are you really gonna take this from him?!”
Declan smirked as he spat out yet more blood, causing Woodward’s eyes to bulge almost to the point of exiting his head. The Significant Player then climbed to his knees, that sickening smirk still painted on his face.
“WHAT’D I TELL YOU?!” the grizzled Woodward roared, before launching a fist straight at Declan’s face.
The Significant Player blocked the strike with ease and launched a powered fist of his own into the old man’s groin. Woodward erupted in an agonising howl, before Declan grabbed him by the throat and slammed him spine first into the handrail.
“The next part of your body that touches me, comes off,” Declan grinned sadistically. “You clear on that, old man?!”
Declan squeezed even harder, as the enraged Woodward wheezed and gasped in an epileptic fit, trying desperately to form a reply. Declan, with lighting fast speed, then pulled the old man up and bashed his skull directly into the opposite handrail. The veteran rolled uselessly to the catwalk floor, before The Significant Player turned on his heels and began marching upright to the exit.
“Are you sure you wanna just leave him like that? Could come back to bite ya…”
* * * * *
People - journalists, fans and even friends - often ask me: who is Declan Prescott? It used to be so easy. I mean, not the answering part, I’m way too shy for that. But I knew the answer, even I couldn’t say it. ‘Declan Prescott is the reason I live. The reason I breathe. The reason I laugh. The reason I cry. The reason I sing. The reason I fear. The reason I love.
Declan Prescott is my husband.’
But now I’m not so sure. I don’t think I know the answer anymore. Because, you see, there’s more to Declan Prescott. A lot more. I wish there wasn’t because I hate what I see, but there is. There is and I can’t do anything about it! That’s the worst part. The powerlessness. The helplessness.
You see, unavoidable events take place in this world. Should you find yourself in the blast radius of one of these events, you have one of two options: lay down like a dog and accept your fate or meet this event head on with everything you have. No matter what you decide upon, your life will never be the same.
You will never be the same.
At least that’s what some people say. It’s all fucking bullshit, if you ask me (and I know you didn’t). I used to face everything in my life head on. Well, maybe not exactly. When my Declan was with me, I felt like I could do anything. As if I could fly through the stars, if I wanted it badly enough. It was so easy to be brave. I promised myself that I’d never lie down like a dog ever again.
I fucking hate myself.
Declan doesn’t see it, but I’m weak. When he’s not with me, something happens to me. I hear things. Sometimes I see them. Things that shouldn’t be. Things that can’t be. They never come when I’m with Declan. Declan made everything okay. All I had to do was be there. He didn’t care if I was in a bad mood, I hadn’t done my hair or makeup or even if I didn’t want to have sex. As long as I was close, he was happy with me. The only thing we wanted was to be in each other’s company. To not have to share each other with anyone else in the whole world.
Then he changed. Little things at first. The way he looked at me sometimes. Like it was with eyes that didn’t belong to him. Hard, merciless, unforgiving eyes. Then his touch – which I used to find so lovingly warm and calming – started to turn my skin cold. Then it was the sex. We used to make love. Sweet, delicate, gentle, embracing love. He’d make me squeal with ecstasy, until I’d lose all control of myself and my entire body turned to jelly. It was the greatest thing I’ve ever known. But it became different. Harder, faster and with no emotion. Like I wasn’t even there. Like I was just a piece of meat. Then he’d pretend to comfort me when I cried. Maybe that was the worst part. The demon you know, right?
I left him. Just walked out one morning. He didn’t even notice and I can’t see him caring when he does. Now I’m all alone once more. With nowhere to go and no one to take care of me. No one to protect me. No one to love me.
I don’t believe in God, but if I did, I’d be hoping that he thinks it’s fucking funny. After all, I wouldn’t want my suffering to be completely pointless. But, really, it is. Just like I am. There’s no point for me to go on. Like I said, Declan was the reason I live. Now I’m just useless.
When you go through your entire life – from the very instant you’re born – having everyone that knows you tell you you’re worth nothing at all, you believe it. You believe that you don’t deserve to live. That your existence is a waste to the world. Then, all of a sudden, for no reason at all, someone decides they love you. That they want to spend the rest of their life making you happy. That they’re willing to give up absolutely everything they have if it will make you just a little more comfortable. But, as much as you want to, you can’t ever truly believe it. It’s too late by then. You’re already convinced that you’re worthless. But you try as hard as you can to pretend. To be embraced by the love of another and truly give your life meaning.
But it’s just a fucking joke. Nothing ever changes. Sooner or later the person that thinks they love you will realise the inescapable – that their time is better spent on something else. That any encouragement or affection or love that they’d give you would simply be wasted.
And then they’re gone.
Goodbye.
