Post by brandonbrown on Jul 25, 2009 21:10:49 GMT -5
Sunday, June 8, 2008
(Chris Austin is taking Brandon Brown somewhere.)
Brandon: Where are you taking me?
Austin: Somewhere.
(Brandon and Chris come across a building.)
Austin: Here we are.
Brandon: What is this place?
Austin: Hardcore Jolly’s House of Hardcore.
Brandon: You know I hate hardcore wrestling.
Austin: Yes, but you need to master hardcore wrestling so you can win your stretcher match at Guerilla Warfare.
Brandon: No, I should be training for my match with Travis Roberts.
Austin: Brandon, what is more important? Winning a match against Travis Roberts or winning back your title?
Brandon: I don’t want to lose to Roberts though. Every time I don’t get to train properly for my opponent, I lose.
Austin: You won’t lose. Roberts is an easy win. Hell, Sean Jenson beat him.
Brandon: Never underestimate the power of Sean Jenson.
Austin: Jenson is nothing. I don’t even know why we talk about him.
Brandon: I don’t know why either. I just feel obligated to mention his name. It’s almost like I’m being scored on how many times I make mention of him.
Austin: Enough of that, shall we go in?
Brandon: Fine. It’s just a waste of your time.
(Brandon and Chris enter and are immediately greeted by Hardcore Jolly.)
Brandon: Are you Hardcore Jolly?
Jolly: Yes, I’m Hardcore Jolly.
Brandon: You look like a Santa Claus that has had too much to drink.
Jolly: How do you think I got my name? I’m one of those Santa Claus guys at Christmas time.
Brandon: So how is some Santa Claus guy going to teach me to be hardcore.
Jolly: Like this.
(Jolly bashes Brandon in the head with a beer bottle.)
Brandon: What the hell, man? Are you fucking crazy? That fucking hurt.
Jolly: I love doing that. Chris Austin, how are you doing? How many girls have you gotten today?
Austin: More than you can imagine.
Jolly: I can imagine quite a lot. So who is this kid you brought me?
Austin: This is Brandon Brown. He is the former Global Heavyweight Champion but he has to fight in a stretcher match to get his title back.
Jolly: Judging by his reaction, I would say he is fucked.
Austin: He can be hardcore. His last man standing match was pretty hardcore.
Jolly: So he has potential to be hardcore. I shall try to teach him the ways of hardcore.
Brandon: Yeah, we can start as soon as we get the fucking glass out of my eye. Fuck Hardcore wrestling.
Jolly: We have a lot of work to do.
Brandon: You can’t teach a non hardcore wrestler how to be a hardcore wrestler. It just won’t work.
Austin: You just won’t allow it to work. Come on, let’s head into the main gym.
(Brandon and Austin head into the main gym.)
Brandon: Are these guys all hardcore?
Austin: Yes, they all are.
Brandon: Where is “Hardcore” Dylan James?
(Both Brandon and Chris Austin start laughing.)
Austin: You can’t be straight edge and hardcore. It just doesn’t work that way.
Brandon: Straight edge people are so lame.
Austin: So are you ready to start your hardcore journey?
Brandon: Do I have a choice?
Austin: Nope.
Brandon: Can we at least start tomorrow?
Austin: Fine, you wimp. Be here tomorrow and get ready to be hardcore.
Monday, June 9, 2008
Austin: To be hardcore, you have to face certain trials.
Brandon: Like what?
Austin: Do you remember when I got stabbed with a screwdriver?
Brandon: Yes.
Austin: To be hardcore, you have to be stabbed with a screwdriver.
Brandon: That’s stupid. You are not stabbing me with a screwdriver.
Austin: Is that Sean Jenson over there?
Brandon: Why would he be here?
(As Brandon looks away, Chris Austin stabs him in the leg with a screwdriver.)
Brandon: WHAT THE FUCK!!! YOU FUCKING IDIOT!!! WHEN I GET THIS OUT, I’M GOING TO KILL YOU!!!
(1 Hour later)
Austin: That wasn’t too bad.
Brandon: I hate you.
Austin: Jolly, do you have the women?
Jolly: I sure do.
Brandon: What women?
Austin: Do you remember that time you caught me having a Royal Sex Rumble?
Brandon: Yeah, I remember that.
Austin: In order to be hardcore, you have to do one of those.
Brandon: I don’t know if I can make it through twenty-nine women.
Austin: What the hell kind of talk is that? You can’t be hardcore thinking that way.
Brandon: Fine, I’ll go for it but I don’t think I’m going to make it.
Austin: Go into that room and we’ll send in the women every two minutes.
Brandon: I’m a little nervous. They’re not ugly women are they.
Austin: No, we only choose the best.
Brandon: So the women so down on their lives that they will sleep with anyone.
Austin: Exactly.
Brandon: Okay, I’m ready.
(Twenty minutes later.)
Brandon: No more. I can’t take anymore. I have nothing left.
Austin: You can’t quit now. You only made it to number twelve.
Brandon: My condom broke half way through. There is a good chance that about six of them are pregnant.
Austin: That could be a problem, but we must move on. The next test is to beat Hardcore Jolly in a drinking contest.
Brandon: I have to beat Jolly. That guy looks like he drinks about five cases of beer a day.
Jolly: Actually, I drink six a day. Beating me at drinking won’t be easy. I honestly think you have no chance in hell.
Brandon: Austin, did you have to go through this?
Austin: Hell no. I didn’t train here. I just thought it would be funny to bring you here.
Brandon: Motherfucker.
Austin: I do that occasionally.
Brandon: Okay. Jolly, let’s start drinking.
Jolly: We go until somebody passes out. The person who doesn’t pass out wins.
Brandon: Fine, just give me a beer.
(They drink twenty minutes straight before Brandon passes out.)
Jolly: Only twenty minutes. We have a lot of work to do. The kid can’t hold much liquor.
Tuesday, June 10, 2008
(Brandon and Chris Austin are at the hospital.)
Brandon: Are you sure they can tell if somebody is pregnant a day after you had sex with them?
Austin: They have all kind of new technology that can check that.
Brandon: Okay. I hope none of them are pregnant. I don’t know how my wife would feel about this.
Austin: I didn’t know you were married.
Brandon: I’m not. I was just messing with you. Here comes the first one.
Girl 1: I’m not pregnant.
Brandon: Yes. We’re one for one so far.
Austin: This is a pretty good hospital. We were able to get all six girls into six different rooms.
Brandon: Yes, more hospitals should be like this. Hey, here comes girl two.
Girl 2: I’m not pregnant, my mom is going to be so proud.
Brandon: So will mine, I guess. We are now two for two.
Austin: I can’t believe your condom broke. That never happens to me.
Brandon: The condom was too small, that’s why.
Austin: Here comes another girl.
Girl 3: There is no baby in me.
Brandon: Good, we wouldn’t want that. Now we are three for three.
Austin: We’re halfway there.
Brandon: I’m not sure what I would do if one of them was pregnant.
Austin: I would feel bad for you.
Brandon: You should because it would be your fault. Here comes another girl.
Girl 4: Sadly, there will be no baby for us.
Brandon: Sad for you, but not for me. Get the hell out of here.
Austin: That chick actually wanted a baby.
Brandon: Crazy bitch. We are now four and zero, just like Sean Jenson’s new winning streak.
Austin: You had to bring up Jenson again.
Brandon: I told you. It’s an obligation.
Austin: Whatever, here comes the next girl.
Girl 5: I have no baby.
Brandon: Yes, just one more to go.
Austin: How is your screwdriver wound?
Brandon: It’s fine.
Austin: That’s good. Finally, we have the last girl.
Girl 6: I’m pregnant.
Brandon: NOOOOO!!!!!
Girl 6: I’m sorry.
Brandon: Can you get an abortion?
Girl 6: I don’t believe in abortion.
Brandon: Fuck, I’m going to have to kick you in the stomach.
Austin: Don’t kick her in the stomach. I paid her ten dollars to say she was pregnant to make you freak out.
Brandon: Well, it worked. I was ready to kick that bitch.
Austin: Now, you are talking hardcore.
Brandon: About that, I’m not going back to Jolly’s hardcore place. Hardcore wrestling just isn’t my style.
Austin: How are you going to beat Deathman without practicing hardcore wrestling?
Brandon: I will do what I always do.
Austin: That worked out perfectly last time. I believe you lost. If you were hardcore, you wouldn’t lose.
Brandon: I’m not wrestling hardcore.
Austin: You will fail at your quest of regaining your title.
Brandon: I don’t fucking need hardcore wrestling to win back my title.
Austin: I guess it’s over then.
Wednesday, June 11, 2008
(Brandon is on his cell phone talking to Chris Austin.)
Brandon: I told you that I’m not going back to that hardcore place.
Austin: Do you want your title back or not?
Brandon: I’ve had enough of this conversation. I’m hanging up.
(Brandon hangs up.)
Brandon: I’ve never needed hardcore wrestling to get me anywhere in life. Why would I start using hardcore wrestling right now? I never really saw the point of it. Why do people consider matches with weapons to be any good? I think hardcore wrestling is a slap in the face to real wrestlers life myself.
(Brandon leaves his apartment and heads out into the streets.)
Brandon: It’s a nice day today.
(A kid walks up.)
Kid: You’re Brandon Brown.
Brandon: Guilty as charged.
Kid: Can I have your autograph?
Brandon: I’ll do anything for a fan.
Kid: Thanks. I hope you beat Lord Deathman at Guerilla Warfare in that stretcher match.
Brandon: So do I, kid.
Kid: I think you have to be more hardcore though.
Brandon: What did you say?
Kid: You need to be more hardcore. Kind of like Chris Austin.
Brandon: I don’t need to wrestle hardcore to beat Deathman.
Kid: Why didn’t you beat him last time then?
Brandon: I was cheated.
Kid: You can’t use that as an excuse forever. You have to be more innovative.
Brandon: That’s a big word for you.
Kid: You have to use weapons. Hit people with chairs. Put them through tables. Jump off of ladders. That is what Chris Austin would do.
Brandon: I don’t care what Chris Austin would do. I can win without being hardcore.
Kid: Can you wrestle hardcore for your fans? You said you would do anything for your fans.
Brandon: Damn, I did say that.
Kid: I believe in you, Brandon Brown. I just think you need to wrestle hardcore though.
Brandon: Do people like you all around the world believe in me?
Kid: Yes. We believe in you, but please try wrestling hardcore.
Brandon: Damn it. Kid, you are right. I will wrestle hardcore. I will defeat Deathman. I will do it for the fans.
Kid: That’s what I wanted to hear.
Brandon: See you later, kid. I’m going to win the belt for you.
(Brandon leaves and Chris Austin appears.)
Austin: Great work, kid. I’m glad my plan worked out.
Kid: Did you bring me what I asked for?
Austin: Yes, I did. Here is twenty dollars and a Sean Jenson shirt.
Kid: Sweet.
Austin: I can’t believe you are a Sean Jenson fan.
Kid: He is on a four match winning streak you know.
Austin: I have won eleven straight matches.
Kid: Yeah, but you aren’t as cool as Sean Jenson.
Austin: I’m much cooler than Sean Jenson. I fucked his old girlfriend you know.
Kid: You just said a bad word.
Austin: Do you have a sister, kid?
Kid: Yes.
Austin: How old is she?
Kid: Twenty.
Austin: Perfect.
Thursday, June 12, 2008
Brandon: I can’t believe I’m back at Hardcore Jolly’s place.
Austin: What made you change your mind?
Brandon: A young kid inspired me.
Austin: That kid had a fine sister.
Brandon: What did you say?
Austin: Nothing. Forget I said anything.
Brandon: Where is Jolly hiding at?
Jolly: I’m right here.
Brandon: I’m ready to train hardcore now, Jolly.
Jolly: Good, your shoes are untied.
Brandon: Are they really?
(Jolly smashes a chair over Brandon’s back.)
Brandon: OUCH!!! Why must you do that?
Jolly: When you are hardcore, you must be aware of everything.
Brandon: How about I hit you with a chair?
Jolly: Go for it. Take my chair and hit me right in the head.
Brandon: I will gladly hit you in the head with this chair.
(Brandon hits Jolly but Jolly doesn’t feel the effects.)
Jolly: When you are hardcore like me, you don’t feel crappy chair shots.
Brandon: I must learn this. Chris Austin, where are you?
Austin: I was watching one of my matches with Sean Jenson. What do you want?
Brandon: I want you to stab me with that screwdriver.
Austin: Are you sure?
Brandon: Yes, stab me as hard as you can.
Austin: Okay.
(Austin stabs Brandon with the screwdriver.)
Brandon: BRING THE PAIN!!! STAB ME AGAIN!!!
(Austin stabs him again.)
Brandon: I FEEL NO PAIN!!!
Jolly: Enough stabbing him, we must now try the Royal Sex Rumble again.
Brandon: Bring on the women. I can go the distance this time. I also have better condoms now.
Jolly: Head into the room. The women will come.
Brandon: I’ll make them all cum.
(One hour later.)
Brandon: I made it. I fucked every last one of them. The condom didn’t break either.
Austin: I’m proud of you, Brandon. You still have to drink more than Jolly though.
Brandon: I’m ready to drink like I have never drank before.
Jolly: You are going to have to drink a lot. We have a lot of alcohol to waste.
Brandon: Bring it on.
(One hour later)
Brandon: You are one crazy fat man.
Jolly: No, you are crazy. Let’s drink some more.
(One hour later.)
Brandon: How are you still going?
Jolly: I can drink forever.
(One hour later.)
Brandon: Just quit already. I won’t lose.
Jolly: You will lose. I have never lost at drinking ever.
(A few hours later.)
Austin: You guys should stop before you die of alcohol poisoning.
Brandon: Who are you?
Jolly: Alcohol, what is that? Goodnight.
(Jolly passes out.)
Brandon: I won. Waiter, check please.
(Brandon passes out.)
Austin: Now, what am I going to do the rest of the day? I could watch the videos of me winning eleven straight matches. Yes, that sounds like a great idea. I’m also going to call up that kid’s sister. She was fucking hot. Hey, I have a message from Sean Jenson.
Jenson: I will win the hardcore tournament and beat you for your title.
Austin: He can’t beat me.
Friday, June 13, 2008 (Hey, it’s Friday the 13th)
Brandon: I think I have a hangover.
Jolly: That’s a price you have to pay when you are hardcore.
Brandon: What do you want me to do today, Jolly?
Jolly: I don’t know. I’m still kind of pissed that you beat me at drinking. I have never lost at drinking before.
Brandon: So, am I hardcore yet?
Jolly: No, you are not hardcore yet. You still have to face your biggest hardcore challenge yet.
Brandon: What is that?
Jolly: You must beat me in a hardcore match and the match starts, hey are you shoes untied.
Brandon: Again, Let me see.
(Jolly hits him with a chair.)
Brandon: Damn it. Why am I so dumb?
(Jolly takes another swing at Brandon but Brandon ducks)
Brandon: I’m too quick for you fat man.
Jolly: Your shoes are untied.
Brandon: I’m not falling for that again.
(Brandon runs forward and trips over his untied shoes.)
Brandon: Damn, they were untied.
(Jolly starts setting up tables.)
Brandon: Jolly, what are you doing?
Jolly: Setting up tables, but they need some fire.
(Jolly lights the tables on fire.)
Brandon: Jolly, you are fucking crazy.
Jolly: No, I’m hardcore.
(Brandon finds a ladder and hits Jolly with it.)
Brandon: Jolly, your flaming tables need thumbtacks on them.
(Brandon pours tacks on the tables.)
Jolly: Brandon, you are getting somewhere now.
(Brandon and Jolly climb the ladder and start battling.)
Brandon: I’m throwing you through those tables.
Jolly: No, I’m throwing you through those tables.
Brandon: Jolly, I’ve got two words for you.
Jolly: What?
Brandon: Mr. Fuji!!!
(Brandon throws powder in Jolly’s eyes which blinds him. Brandon uses this opportunity to throw Jolly through the tables.)
Brandon: Who is hardcore now, bitch?
(Brandon climbs down and pins Jolly.)
Brandon: I’m hardcore.
(Chris Austin appears.)
Austin: Sorry, I was late. I was with these two girls. Holy Shit, what the fuck happened here?
Brandon: I beat Jolly in a hardcore match.
Jolly: He kicked my ass. He threw me through tables that were on fire. The tables also had tacks on them.
Brandon: I also Mr. Fujied him.
Austin: You threw powder in his face. Now that is funny.
Brandon: It caught his fat ass off guard. For such a hardcore master, I thought our match would last a bit longer.
Jolly: To be fair, I haven’t had an official match in years.
Brandon: I can tell. You kind of suck at wrestling.
Jolly: I’m an old fat guy. What did you expect?
Brandon: I expected a competitive match.
Jolly: I’m sorry to disappoint you.
Brandon: It doesn’t matter. I beat you at drinking and wrestling.
Jolly: I would like a rematch at drinking.
Brandon: Maybe some other time. I know you can actually beat me at drinking.
Jolly: You got lucky last time. I think I drank more than you anyways.
Brandon; You passed out first though. That was the rules. I am more hardcore than Hardcore fucking Jolly.
Saturday, June 14, 2008
(Brandon, Chris Austin and Hardcore Jolly have arrived at the GIW arena.)
Brandon: We both have big matches today.
Austin: I have a match against Deathman.
Brandon: Do you mind hurting him for me so I don’t have to face him a Guerilla Warfare.
Austin: I’ll try my best.
Brandon: Hey, Sean, Kat and Nathaniel just arrived. Do you want to talk to them?
Austin: No, I didn’t need to talk to them.
Brandon: Okay. I have a bad feeling about my match with Travis Roberts. I feel like I didn’t train for him much. I did too much hardcore training. What if I forget how to wrestle normally?
Jolly: You won’t forget how to wrestle normally. Your normal wrestling will just be a little more hardcore.
Brandon: Would you consider me a hardcore wrestler, Jolly?
Jolly: No, your aren’t officially hardcore yet. You still have one more test you need to complete.
Brandon: What is this final test that you want me to complete?
Jolly: I can’t tell you what it is. You must figure out the final test on your own. Only then will you be truly hardcore.
Brandon: Can you give me a hint or something?
Jolly: You will be given no hints. You must figure this out on your own. The hints will be out there though.
Brandon: Austin, why didn’t you have to go through all this shit?
Austin: I was born hardcore.
Brandon: Why couldn’t I have been born best damn all around wrestler in the world?
Austin: I don’t know. Maybe it’s because God likes me better.
Brandon: Well that certainly can’t be it. Jolly, where are you going?
Jolly: I don’t wrestle here. This place has no purpose for me.
Brandon: Will I ever see you again, Jolly?
Jolly: Yeah, I’ll probably be around here somewhere.
Brandon: Jolly, I have one more thing to do.
(Brandon smashes Jolly in the head with a beer bottle.)
Jolly: OUCH!!! THAT FUCKING HURT!!!
Brandon: Not so funny when somebody does it to you.
Jolly: Yeah, well you are on your way to becoming hardcore. Goodbye.
(Jolly leaves.)
Brandon: Well, Chris Austin I think we have a long day ahead of us.
Austin: What do you mean?
Brandon: I don’t know. I just have a bad feeling about today.
(Brandon and Chris Austin enter the arena.)
Fade to Black
(Chris Austin is taking Brandon Brown somewhere.)
Brandon: Where are you taking me?
Austin: Somewhere.
(Brandon and Chris come across a building.)
Austin: Here we are.
Brandon: What is this place?
Austin: Hardcore Jolly’s House of Hardcore.
Brandon: You know I hate hardcore wrestling.
Austin: Yes, but you need to master hardcore wrestling so you can win your stretcher match at Guerilla Warfare.
Brandon: No, I should be training for my match with Travis Roberts.
Austin: Brandon, what is more important? Winning a match against Travis Roberts or winning back your title?
Brandon: I don’t want to lose to Roberts though. Every time I don’t get to train properly for my opponent, I lose.
Austin: You won’t lose. Roberts is an easy win. Hell, Sean Jenson beat him.
Brandon: Never underestimate the power of Sean Jenson.
Austin: Jenson is nothing. I don’t even know why we talk about him.
Brandon: I don’t know why either. I just feel obligated to mention his name. It’s almost like I’m being scored on how many times I make mention of him.
Austin: Enough of that, shall we go in?
Brandon: Fine. It’s just a waste of your time.
(Brandon and Chris enter and are immediately greeted by Hardcore Jolly.)
Brandon: Are you Hardcore Jolly?
Jolly: Yes, I’m Hardcore Jolly.
Brandon: You look like a Santa Claus that has had too much to drink.
Jolly: How do you think I got my name? I’m one of those Santa Claus guys at Christmas time.
Brandon: So how is some Santa Claus guy going to teach me to be hardcore.
Jolly: Like this.
(Jolly bashes Brandon in the head with a beer bottle.)
Brandon: What the hell, man? Are you fucking crazy? That fucking hurt.
Jolly: I love doing that. Chris Austin, how are you doing? How many girls have you gotten today?
Austin: More than you can imagine.
Jolly: I can imagine quite a lot. So who is this kid you brought me?
Austin: This is Brandon Brown. He is the former Global Heavyweight Champion but he has to fight in a stretcher match to get his title back.
Jolly: Judging by his reaction, I would say he is fucked.
Austin: He can be hardcore. His last man standing match was pretty hardcore.
Jolly: So he has potential to be hardcore. I shall try to teach him the ways of hardcore.
Brandon: Yeah, we can start as soon as we get the fucking glass out of my eye. Fuck Hardcore wrestling.
Jolly: We have a lot of work to do.
Brandon: You can’t teach a non hardcore wrestler how to be a hardcore wrestler. It just won’t work.
Austin: You just won’t allow it to work. Come on, let’s head into the main gym.
(Brandon and Austin head into the main gym.)
Brandon: Are these guys all hardcore?
Austin: Yes, they all are.
Brandon: Where is “Hardcore” Dylan James?
(Both Brandon and Chris Austin start laughing.)
Austin: You can’t be straight edge and hardcore. It just doesn’t work that way.
Brandon: Straight edge people are so lame.
Austin: So are you ready to start your hardcore journey?
Brandon: Do I have a choice?
Austin: Nope.
Brandon: Can we at least start tomorrow?
Austin: Fine, you wimp. Be here tomorrow and get ready to be hardcore.
Monday, June 9, 2008
Austin: To be hardcore, you have to face certain trials.
Brandon: Like what?
Austin: Do you remember when I got stabbed with a screwdriver?
Brandon: Yes.
Austin: To be hardcore, you have to be stabbed with a screwdriver.
Brandon: That’s stupid. You are not stabbing me with a screwdriver.
Austin: Is that Sean Jenson over there?
Brandon: Why would he be here?
(As Brandon looks away, Chris Austin stabs him in the leg with a screwdriver.)
Brandon: WHAT THE FUCK!!! YOU FUCKING IDIOT!!! WHEN I GET THIS OUT, I’M GOING TO KILL YOU!!!
(1 Hour later)
Austin: That wasn’t too bad.
Brandon: I hate you.
Austin: Jolly, do you have the women?
Jolly: I sure do.
Brandon: What women?
Austin: Do you remember that time you caught me having a Royal Sex Rumble?
Brandon: Yeah, I remember that.
Austin: In order to be hardcore, you have to do one of those.
Brandon: I don’t know if I can make it through twenty-nine women.
Austin: What the hell kind of talk is that? You can’t be hardcore thinking that way.
Brandon: Fine, I’ll go for it but I don’t think I’m going to make it.
Austin: Go into that room and we’ll send in the women every two minutes.
Brandon: I’m a little nervous. They’re not ugly women are they.
Austin: No, we only choose the best.
Brandon: So the women so down on their lives that they will sleep with anyone.
Austin: Exactly.
Brandon: Okay, I’m ready.
(Twenty minutes later.)
Brandon: No more. I can’t take anymore. I have nothing left.
Austin: You can’t quit now. You only made it to number twelve.
Brandon: My condom broke half way through. There is a good chance that about six of them are pregnant.
Austin: That could be a problem, but we must move on. The next test is to beat Hardcore Jolly in a drinking contest.
Brandon: I have to beat Jolly. That guy looks like he drinks about five cases of beer a day.
Jolly: Actually, I drink six a day. Beating me at drinking won’t be easy. I honestly think you have no chance in hell.
Brandon: Austin, did you have to go through this?
Austin: Hell no. I didn’t train here. I just thought it would be funny to bring you here.
Brandon: Motherfucker.
Austin: I do that occasionally.
Brandon: Okay. Jolly, let’s start drinking.
Jolly: We go until somebody passes out. The person who doesn’t pass out wins.
Brandon: Fine, just give me a beer.
(They drink twenty minutes straight before Brandon passes out.)
Jolly: Only twenty minutes. We have a lot of work to do. The kid can’t hold much liquor.
Tuesday, June 10, 2008
(Brandon and Chris Austin are at the hospital.)
Brandon: Are you sure they can tell if somebody is pregnant a day after you had sex with them?
Austin: They have all kind of new technology that can check that.
Brandon: Okay. I hope none of them are pregnant. I don’t know how my wife would feel about this.
Austin: I didn’t know you were married.
Brandon: I’m not. I was just messing with you. Here comes the first one.
Girl 1: I’m not pregnant.
Brandon: Yes. We’re one for one so far.
Austin: This is a pretty good hospital. We were able to get all six girls into six different rooms.
Brandon: Yes, more hospitals should be like this. Hey, here comes girl two.
Girl 2: I’m not pregnant, my mom is going to be so proud.
Brandon: So will mine, I guess. We are now two for two.
Austin: I can’t believe your condom broke. That never happens to me.
Brandon: The condom was too small, that’s why.
Austin: Here comes another girl.
Girl 3: There is no baby in me.
Brandon: Good, we wouldn’t want that. Now we are three for three.
Austin: We’re halfway there.
Brandon: I’m not sure what I would do if one of them was pregnant.
Austin: I would feel bad for you.
Brandon: You should because it would be your fault. Here comes another girl.
Girl 4: Sadly, there will be no baby for us.
Brandon: Sad for you, but not for me. Get the hell out of here.
Austin: That chick actually wanted a baby.
Brandon: Crazy bitch. We are now four and zero, just like Sean Jenson’s new winning streak.
Austin: You had to bring up Jenson again.
Brandon: I told you. It’s an obligation.
Austin: Whatever, here comes the next girl.
Girl 5: I have no baby.
Brandon: Yes, just one more to go.
Austin: How is your screwdriver wound?
Brandon: It’s fine.
Austin: That’s good. Finally, we have the last girl.
Girl 6: I’m pregnant.
Brandon: NOOOOO!!!!!
Girl 6: I’m sorry.
Brandon: Can you get an abortion?
Girl 6: I don’t believe in abortion.
Brandon: Fuck, I’m going to have to kick you in the stomach.
Austin: Don’t kick her in the stomach. I paid her ten dollars to say she was pregnant to make you freak out.
Brandon: Well, it worked. I was ready to kick that bitch.
Austin: Now, you are talking hardcore.
Brandon: About that, I’m not going back to Jolly’s hardcore place. Hardcore wrestling just isn’t my style.
Austin: How are you going to beat Deathman without practicing hardcore wrestling?
Brandon: I will do what I always do.
Austin: That worked out perfectly last time. I believe you lost. If you were hardcore, you wouldn’t lose.
Brandon: I’m not wrestling hardcore.
Austin: You will fail at your quest of regaining your title.
Brandon: I don’t fucking need hardcore wrestling to win back my title.
Austin: I guess it’s over then.
Wednesday, June 11, 2008
(Brandon is on his cell phone talking to Chris Austin.)
Brandon: I told you that I’m not going back to that hardcore place.
Austin: Do you want your title back or not?
Brandon: I’ve had enough of this conversation. I’m hanging up.
(Brandon hangs up.)
Brandon: I’ve never needed hardcore wrestling to get me anywhere in life. Why would I start using hardcore wrestling right now? I never really saw the point of it. Why do people consider matches with weapons to be any good? I think hardcore wrestling is a slap in the face to real wrestlers life myself.
(Brandon leaves his apartment and heads out into the streets.)
Brandon: It’s a nice day today.
(A kid walks up.)
Kid: You’re Brandon Brown.
Brandon: Guilty as charged.
Kid: Can I have your autograph?
Brandon: I’ll do anything for a fan.
Kid: Thanks. I hope you beat Lord Deathman at Guerilla Warfare in that stretcher match.
Brandon: So do I, kid.
Kid: I think you have to be more hardcore though.
Brandon: What did you say?
Kid: You need to be more hardcore. Kind of like Chris Austin.
Brandon: I don’t need to wrestle hardcore to beat Deathman.
Kid: Why didn’t you beat him last time then?
Brandon: I was cheated.
Kid: You can’t use that as an excuse forever. You have to be more innovative.
Brandon: That’s a big word for you.
Kid: You have to use weapons. Hit people with chairs. Put them through tables. Jump off of ladders. That is what Chris Austin would do.
Brandon: I don’t care what Chris Austin would do. I can win without being hardcore.
Kid: Can you wrestle hardcore for your fans? You said you would do anything for your fans.
Brandon: Damn, I did say that.
Kid: I believe in you, Brandon Brown. I just think you need to wrestle hardcore though.
Brandon: Do people like you all around the world believe in me?
Kid: Yes. We believe in you, but please try wrestling hardcore.
Brandon: Damn it. Kid, you are right. I will wrestle hardcore. I will defeat Deathman. I will do it for the fans.
Kid: That’s what I wanted to hear.
Brandon: See you later, kid. I’m going to win the belt for you.
(Brandon leaves and Chris Austin appears.)
Austin: Great work, kid. I’m glad my plan worked out.
Kid: Did you bring me what I asked for?
Austin: Yes, I did. Here is twenty dollars and a Sean Jenson shirt.
Kid: Sweet.
Austin: I can’t believe you are a Sean Jenson fan.
Kid: He is on a four match winning streak you know.
Austin: I have won eleven straight matches.
Kid: Yeah, but you aren’t as cool as Sean Jenson.
Austin: I’m much cooler than Sean Jenson. I fucked his old girlfriend you know.
Kid: You just said a bad word.
Austin: Do you have a sister, kid?
Kid: Yes.
Austin: How old is she?
Kid: Twenty.
Austin: Perfect.
Thursday, June 12, 2008
Brandon: I can’t believe I’m back at Hardcore Jolly’s place.
Austin: What made you change your mind?
Brandon: A young kid inspired me.
Austin: That kid had a fine sister.
Brandon: What did you say?
Austin: Nothing. Forget I said anything.
Brandon: Where is Jolly hiding at?
Jolly: I’m right here.
Brandon: I’m ready to train hardcore now, Jolly.
Jolly: Good, your shoes are untied.
Brandon: Are they really?
(Jolly smashes a chair over Brandon’s back.)
Brandon: OUCH!!! Why must you do that?
Jolly: When you are hardcore, you must be aware of everything.
Brandon: How about I hit you with a chair?
Jolly: Go for it. Take my chair and hit me right in the head.
Brandon: I will gladly hit you in the head with this chair.
(Brandon hits Jolly but Jolly doesn’t feel the effects.)
Jolly: When you are hardcore like me, you don’t feel crappy chair shots.
Brandon: I must learn this. Chris Austin, where are you?
Austin: I was watching one of my matches with Sean Jenson. What do you want?
Brandon: I want you to stab me with that screwdriver.
Austin: Are you sure?
Brandon: Yes, stab me as hard as you can.
Austin: Okay.
(Austin stabs Brandon with the screwdriver.)
Brandon: BRING THE PAIN!!! STAB ME AGAIN!!!
(Austin stabs him again.)
Brandon: I FEEL NO PAIN!!!
Jolly: Enough stabbing him, we must now try the Royal Sex Rumble again.
Brandon: Bring on the women. I can go the distance this time. I also have better condoms now.
Jolly: Head into the room. The women will come.
Brandon: I’ll make them all cum.
(One hour later.)
Brandon: I made it. I fucked every last one of them. The condom didn’t break either.
Austin: I’m proud of you, Brandon. You still have to drink more than Jolly though.
Brandon: I’m ready to drink like I have never drank before.
Jolly: You are going to have to drink a lot. We have a lot of alcohol to waste.
Brandon: Bring it on.
(One hour later)
Brandon: You are one crazy fat man.
Jolly: No, you are crazy. Let’s drink some more.
(One hour later.)
Brandon: How are you still going?
Jolly: I can drink forever.
(One hour later.)
Brandon: Just quit already. I won’t lose.
Jolly: You will lose. I have never lost at drinking ever.
(A few hours later.)
Austin: You guys should stop before you die of alcohol poisoning.
Brandon: Who are you?
Jolly: Alcohol, what is that? Goodnight.
(Jolly passes out.)
Brandon: I won. Waiter, check please.
(Brandon passes out.)
Austin: Now, what am I going to do the rest of the day? I could watch the videos of me winning eleven straight matches. Yes, that sounds like a great idea. I’m also going to call up that kid’s sister. She was fucking hot. Hey, I have a message from Sean Jenson.
Jenson: I will win the hardcore tournament and beat you for your title.
Austin: He can’t beat me.
Friday, June 13, 2008 (Hey, it’s Friday the 13th)
Brandon: I think I have a hangover.
Jolly: That’s a price you have to pay when you are hardcore.
Brandon: What do you want me to do today, Jolly?
Jolly: I don’t know. I’m still kind of pissed that you beat me at drinking. I have never lost at drinking before.
Brandon: So, am I hardcore yet?
Jolly: No, you are not hardcore yet. You still have to face your biggest hardcore challenge yet.
Brandon: What is that?
Jolly: You must beat me in a hardcore match and the match starts, hey are you shoes untied.
Brandon: Again, Let me see.
(Jolly hits him with a chair.)
Brandon: Damn it. Why am I so dumb?
(Jolly takes another swing at Brandon but Brandon ducks)
Brandon: I’m too quick for you fat man.
Jolly: Your shoes are untied.
Brandon: I’m not falling for that again.
(Brandon runs forward and trips over his untied shoes.)
Brandon: Damn, they were untied.
(Jolly starts setting up tables.)
Brandon: Jolly, what are you doing?
Jolly: Setting up tables, but they need some fire.
(Jolly lights the tables on fire.)
Brandon: Jolly, you are fucking crazy.
Jolly: No, I’m hardcore.
(Brandon finds a ladder and hits Jolly with it.)
Brandon: Jolly, your flaming tables need thumbtacks on them.
(Brandon pours tacks on the tables.)
Jolly: Brandon, you are getting somewhere now.
(Brandon and Jolly climb the ladder and start battling.)
Brandon: I’m throwing you through those tables.
Jolly: No, I’m throwing you through those tables.
Brandon: Jolly, I’ve got two words for you.
Jolly: What?
Brandon: Mr. Fuji!!!
(Brandon throws powder in Jolly’s eyes which blinds him. Brandon uses this opportunity to throw Jolly through the tables.)
Brandon: Who is hardcore now, bitch?
(Brandon climbs down and pins Jolly.)
Brandon: I’m hardcore.
(Chris Austin appears.)
Austin: Sorry, I was late. I was with these two girls. Holy Shit, what the fuck happened here?
Brandon: I beat Jolly in a hardcore match.
Jolly: He kicked my ass. He threw me through tables that were on fire. The tables also had tacks on them.
Brandon: I also Mr. Fujied him.
Austin: You threw powder in his face. Now that is funny.
Brandon: It caught his fat ass off guard. For such a hardcore master, I thought our match would last a bit longer.
Jolly: To be fair, I haven’t had an official match in years.
Brandon: I can tell. You kind of suck at wrestling.
Jolly: I’m an old fat guy. What did you expect?
Brandon: I expected a competitive match.
Jolly: I’m sorry to disappoint you.
Brandon: It doesn’t matter. I beat you at drinking and wrestling.
Jolly: I would like a rematch at drinking.
Brandon: Maybe some other time. I know you can actually beat me at drinking.
Jolly: You got lucky last time. I think I drank more than you anyways.
Brandon; You passed out first though. That was the rules. I am more hardcore than Hardcore fucking Jolly.
Saturday, June 14, 2008
(Brandon, Chris Austin and Hardcore Jolly have arrived at the GIW arena.)
Brandon: We both have big matches today.
Austin: I have a match against Deathman.
Brandon: Do you mind hurting him for me so I don’t have to face him a Guerilla Warfare.
Austin: I’ll try my best.
Brandon: Hey, Sean, Kat and Nathaniel just arrived. Do you want to talk to them?
Austin: No, I didn’t need to talk to them.
Brandon: Okay. I have a bad feeling about my match with Travis Roberts. I feel like I didn’t train for him much. I did too much hardcore training. What if I forget how to wrestle normally?
Jolly: You won’t forget how to wrestle normally. Your normal wrestling will just be a little more hardcore.
Brandon: Would you consider me a hardcore wrestler, Jolly?
Jolly: No, your aren’t officially hardcore yet. You still have one more test you need to complete.
Brandon: What is this final test that you want me to complete?
Jolly: I can’t tell you what it is. You must figure out the final test on your own. Only then will you be truly hardcore.
Brandon: Can you give me a hint or something?
Jolly: You will be given no hints. You must figure this out on your own. The hints will be out there though.
Brandon: Austin, why didn’t you have to go through all this shit?
Austin: I was born hardcore.
Brandon: Why couldn’t I have been born best damn all around wrestler in the world?
Austin: I don’t know. Maybe it’s because God likes me better.
Brandon: Well that certainly can’t be it. Jolly, where are you going?
Jolly: I don’t wrestle here. This place has no purpose for me.
Brandon: Will I ever see you again, Jolly?
Jolly: Yeah, I’ll probably be around here somewhere.
Brandon: Jolly, I have one more thing to do.
(Brandon smashes Jolly in the head with a beer bottle.)
Jolly: OUCH!!! THAT FUCKING HURT!!!
Brandon: Not so funny when somebody does it to you.
Jolly: Yeah, well you are on your way to becoming hardcore. Goodbye.
(Jolly leaves.)
Brandon: Well, Chris Austin I think we have a long day ahead of us.
Austin: What do you mean?
Brandon: I don’t know. I just have a bad feeling about today.
(Brandon and Chris Austin enter the arena.)
Fade to Black