Post by >V< on Aug 11, 2009 16:11:21 GMT -5
The best part about being injured at the hands of a baldheaded psychopath with mommy issues and the apparent inability to take a joke, is of course the pain medication.
KvK: "Ughh...."
Your Mom's Favorite Wrestler awakens in a motel room, laid out on the still-made bed in an awkward position, his head resting in a puddle of drool. He sits up slowly, wiping his mouth, blinking his eyes groggily.
KvK: "Damn, they weren't kidding with the warning labels on that bottle."
His slow scan of the room stops as he spots a bag on the dresser, next to the bolted-down television. It's one of those "eco-friendly" reusable shopping bags, and has a piece of paper pinned to it. KvK slides off the bed and staggers over to the bag, clutching his injured left arm in front of him. He absent-mindedly strokes the heavy cast before ripping the note off and reads it aloud.
KvK: "Remember our agreement; put this on and come to our room ready to deliver your lines....Jez."
He drops the note on the thin carpet and dumps the bag out on the dresser.
KvK: "I don't remember any goddamn agreement. What the fuck....?"
His eyes widen as he sees the contents of the bag spill out. A blonde wig done up in braided pigtails, pink midriff-baring babydoll shirt, and short Daisy Duke-style shorts.
KvK: "Yeah, pretty sure I'd remember someone trying to talk me into this. Well, fuck that."
Snatching up the bundle, he walks unsteadily to the bathroom. He dumps the entire outfit into the toilet, and flushes it before common sense can tell him the futility of his plan. He stands there looking down into the bowl as the inevitable happens. The toilet clogs, and water slowly but steadily begins filling the bowl to overflowing. In his present state of prescription-induced grogginess, he watches this with a blank expression on his face. Finally, the splashing of water upon the floor shakes him from his trance, but he simply walks out of the bathroom and across the room to the door.
KvK: "She'd better have some beer. God damn it, I'd kill for a beer right about now."
He heads down the hall to the door that he somehow knows is occupied by Jezebel Saint. He raises a fist to knock, then decides to try the knob. One must never miss an opportunity to "accidentally" walk in on an attractive young woman in any shade of undress, of course.
KvK: "Fuck you, narrator. Don't judge me."
It's not my fault that she makes you question your lifelong preference for brunettes.
Anyways, he ignores me as always and tries the knob. Surprisingly, it turns. He pushes the door open and steps through, finding himself standing next to a cameraman. He surveys the room, seeing Jez and Salem sitting up in bed, carefully covered up with the sheet, wearing some kind of bizarre wigs. This is obviously either some kind of a parody deal for GIW, or the beginning of one very weird adult movie. Jezebel Saint stops whatever she was saying, and looks at KvK, obviously noticing that he's clad in cargo shorts and a blue t-shirt with a white number 15 outlined in orange, instead of the ridiculous getup that he had apparently agreed to wear when he was high on painkillers.
Jezebel Saint: "Where's your outfit? Didn't it fit, or something?"
KvK: "Yeah, that's not happening. I dunno what the fuck kinda kinky fetish porno scene you're shooting here, but I'm not wearing that. Especially now that most of it is stuck in the toilet."
Jez: "Toilet?! What....but, you promised!"
KvK: "Hey, you know I'll do a lot just for the lols, but acting like a teenager and cross-dressing are both way over the line. Even separately."
He turns away from his co-conspirator and steps around the cameraman to the mini-bar. He whips open the door and pulls out a beer bottle with a blue label.
KvK: "Aww, Bud Light?! Well, desperate times..."
With the kind of ease that comes with years and years of practice, he twists the lid off, giving a satisfied smile to the hiss of carbonated air escaping. He drops the lid, unaware of the blur of motion headed his way as Jez springs from the bed to snatch the bottle from his hand an inch from his lips.
Jez: "What are you, suicidal?! You can't drink, you're on heavy medication!"
KvK blinks in surprise, not only at the shocking speed with which she charged across the room and snatched away his precious beer, but at what has been revealed now that she’s no longer covered by the sheets. In the immortal words of Inspector Gadget: Yowzers!
Jez: "Thanks, I could use a beer."
All that's covering her breasts are a black X made of tape covering each nipple. Black bikini bottoms match the tape, the extremely revealing outfit providing ample distraction as she tilts her head back and takes a long swallow of the beer. KvK stands still, hand still raised to his mouth, cupped as if still holding the bottle, as he takes in the tantalizing view. Zombie Jesus is a lucky man, indeed!
KvK: "Hey!"
After (perhaps foolishly) allowing himself quite an eyeful of this rare and unexpected visual treat, he finally exhales. He blinks away his deer in the headlights look, and snatches the bottle back out of her hand.
KvK: "Don't take a man's beer from him, wonder tits. That's how wars start."
He turns away quickly, batting away her grasping hands with his good arm, as she tries frantically to reach around him and over his shoulders to reclaim the frosty trophy. Through sheer force of will, he manages to fend off her attempts and chug the rest of the beer. With a satisfied sigh, he turns back around, disappointed to see that Jez now has her arm across her chest, now at least making at attempt at modesty.
Jez: "You idiot. You'll end up right back in the hospital, you know."
Shoulders slumped slightly, disappointed that the show is over, yet proud of himself for having won the Battle of the Brew, he scoffs and hands her the empty bottle.
KvK: "I'll be fine. I didn't take today's dose yet, so...."
Suddenly his eyes roll back in his head, and he goes completely limp. He falls forward, narrowly missing Jez as he takes a header through the coffee table that Chris Farley would have been filing a gimmick infringement lawsuit over.
Jez: "Right....."
She turns and strides to the phone, passing a very amused Salem as he sits where he's been the whole time, looking at KvK with a smirk. Jez ignores her Friend With Benefits as he watches KvK begin to snore among the splintered pieces of wood.
Jez: "I haven't got time to babysit that jackass, I've got an actual child to look after."
She picks up the receiver and begins to dial...
KvK: "Ughh...."
Your Mom's Favorite Wrestler awakens in a motel room, laid out on the still-made bed in an awkward position, his head resting in a puddle of drool. He sits up slowly, wiping his mouth, blinking his eyes groggily.
KvK: "Damn, they weren't kidding with the warning labels on that bottle."
His slow scan of the room stops as he spots a bag on the dresser, next to the bolted-down television. It's one of those "eco-friendly" reusable shopping bags, and has a piece of paper pinned to it. KvK slides off the bed and staggers over to the bag, clutching his injured left arm in front of him. He absent-mindedly strokes the heavy cast before ripping the note off and reads it aloud.
KvK: "Remember our agreement; put this on and come to our room ready to deliver your lines....Jez."
He drops the note on the thin carpet and dumps the bag out on the dresser.
KvK: "I don't remember any goddamn agreement. What the fuck....?"
His eyes widen as he sees the contents of the bag spill out. A blonde wig done up in braided pigtails, pink midriff-baring babydoll shirt, and short Daisy Duke-style shorts.
KvK: "Yeah, pretty sure I'd remember someone trying to talk me into this. Well, fuck that."
Snatching up the bundle, he walks unsteadily to the bathroom. He dumps the entire outfit into the toilet, and flushes it before common sense can tell him the futility of his plan. He stands there looking down into the bowl as the inevitable happens. The toilet clogs, and water slowly but steadily begins filling the bowl to overflowing. In his present state of prescription-induced grogginess, he watches this with a blank expression on his face. Finally, the splashing of water upon the floor shakes him from his trance, but he simply walks out of the bathroom and across the room to the door.
KvK: "She'd better have some beer. God damn it, I'd kill for a beer right about now."
He heads down the hall to the door that he somehow knows is occupied by Jezebel Saint. He raises a fist to knock, then decides to try the knob. One must never miss an opportunity to "accidentally" walk in on an attractive young woman in any shade of undress, of course.
KvK: "Fuck you, narrator. Don't judge me."
It's not my fault that she makes you question your lifelong preference for brunettes.
Anyways, he ignores me as always and tries the knob. Surprisingly, it turns. He pushes the door open and steps through, finding himself standing next to a cameraman. He surveys the room, seeing Jez and Salem sitting up in bed, carefully covered up with the sheet, wearing some kind of bizarre wigs. This is obviously either some kind of a parody deal for GIW, or the beginning of one very weird adult movie. Jezebel Saint stops whatever she was saying, and looks at KvK, obviously noticing that he's clad in cargo shorts and a blue t-shirt with a white number 15 outlined in orange, instead of the ridiculous getup that he had apparently agreed to wear when he was high on painkillers.
Jezebel Saint: "Where's your outfit? Didn't it fit, or something?"
KvK: "Yeah, that's not happening. I dunno what the fuck kinda kinky fetish porno scene you're shooting here, but I'm not wearing that. Especially now that most of it is stuck in the toilet."
Jez: "Toilet?! What....but, you promised!"
KvK: "Hey, you know I'll do a lot just for the lols, but acting like a teenager and cross-dressing are both way over the line. Even separately."
He turns away from his co-conspirator and steps around the cameraman to the mini-bar. He whips open the door and pulls out a beer bottle with a blue label.
KvK: "Aww, Bud Light?! Well, desperate times..."
With the kind of ease that comes with years and years of practice, he twists the lid off, giving a satisfied smile to the hiss of carbonated air escaping. He drops the lid, unaware of the blur of motion headed his way as Jez springs from the bed to snatch the bottle from his hand an inch from his lips.
Jez: "What are you, suicidal?! You can't drink, you're on heavy medication!"
KvK blinks in surprise, not only at the shocking speed with which she charged across the room and snatched away his precious beer, but at what has been revealed now that she’s no longer covered by the sheets. In the immortal words of Inspector Gadget: Yowzers!
Jez: "Thanks, I could use a beer."
All that's covering her breasts are a black X made of tape covering each nipple. Black bikini bottoms match the tape, the extremely revealing outfit providing ample distraction as she tilts her head back and takes a long swallow of the beer. KvK stands still, hand still raised to his mouth, cupped as if still holding the bottle, as he takes in the tantalizing view. Zombie Jesus is a lucky man, indeed!
KvK: "Hey!"
After (perhaps foolishly) allowing himself quite an eyeful of this rare and unexpected visual treat, he finally exhales. He blinks away his deer in the headlights look, and snatches the bottle back out of her hand.
KvK: "Don't take a man's beer from him, wonder tits. That's how wars start."
He turns away quickly, batting away her grasping hands with his good arm, as she tries frantically to reach around him and over his shoulders to reclaim the frosty trophy. Through sheer force of will, he manages to fend off her attempts and chug the rest of the beer. With a satisfied sigh, he turns back around, disappointed to see that Jez now has her arm across her chest, now at least making at attempt at modesty.
Jez: "You idiot. You'll end up right back in the hospital, you know."
Shoulders slumped slightly, disappointed that the show is over, yet proud of himself for having won the Battle of the Brew, he scoffs and hands her the empty bottle.
KvK: "I'll be fine. I didn't take today's dose yet, so...."
Suddenly his eyes roll back in his head, and he goes completely limp. He falls forward, narrowly missing Jez as he takes a header through the coffee table that Chris Farley would have been filing a gimmick infringement lawsuit over.
Jez: "Right....."
She turns and strides to the phone, passing a very amused Salem as he sits where he's been the whole time, looking at KvK with a smirk. Jez ignores her Friend With Benefits as he watches KvK begin to snore among the splintered pieces of wood.
Jez: "I haven't got time to babysit that jackass, I've got an actual child to look after."
She picks up the receiver and begins to dial...
