Sentinel 12/4/08 Results

[The Crimson Ghost!]

Vinegar: Alright folks welcome to Global Impact Wrestling’s Sentinel. Tonight we have many great matches including the main event - a six man single elimination tables match. But right now we’re going to have the opening match between debuting Mitch Betts and the man who lost by a disqualification, Rock ‘Devonte’ Hard, last week to Donovan Hastings.

Hanson: Yeah Donovan beat Devonte fair an square by outsmarting him last week.

Vinegar: More like stole the victory by pretending to have been hit by a chair when Hazel East wasn’t looking.

Hanson: Like I said, outsmarted him.

Vinegar: Whatever. Lets get to the match.

Dennis: Our opening contest is scheduled for one fall! Coming down first, from Brisbane, Australia, weighing in at one hundred and eighty pounds... Mitch Betts!

Hanson: As “ Quutamo” by Apocoliptia plays out, here comes the newbie Mitch Betts. He stands on the top of the ramp just looking around the arena with a mixed reaction from the crowd. Some are booing some are cheering. He comes sprinting down to the ring. He slides in the ring showing off just raising his arms. As he looks towards the entrance.

Vinegar: He looks like he has a few too many tattoos I believe.

Hanson: Nah, their bad ass I must say.

Vinegar: You say a lot. You know this, right?

Hanson: Be quiet you.

Dennis: And his opponent, weighing in at two hundred and thirteen pounds, hailing from Rock Ville. He is Rock ‘Devonte’ Hard!

Vinegar: The lights go out and sounds of cars crashing blast throughout the arena, as “Rock Star” by N.E.R.D plays. Devonte standing strong on the top of the ramp. He quickly makes his way down the ramp high fiving several audience members. He slides into the middle of the ring jumps up and throws his arms into the air and receives a huge amount of cheers.

Hanson: Last week he was destroyed by Donovan Hastings. This week it’ll be Mitch Betts!

Vinegar: You never know here in the GIW. As the two men are being checked down for any concealed weapons by Hazel East. Nothing is found that’s good. These two quickly meet in the middle of the ring as the bell sounds. Mitch Betts arrogantly smiles at Rock Hard and quickly gains control with a quick punch to the face. Mitch laughs at Rock Hard. Devonte has a frustrated look on his face as Mitch steps closer to him and OW! A quick STO and a cover by Devonte.

Hazel:

One...

Two..

Thre...

Vinegar: And a kick out by the man from Down Under. Already a near fall by Devonte by using the STO. This guy is impressive! Devonte quickly makes it to his feet. Mitch nips up to his feet. Devonte stands back for a moment in shock that his opponent got up so quickly. Mitch is just smirking at Rock Hard, whose got a very frustrated look on his face.

Hanson: Maybe Mitch has got Devonte’s number here tonight, eh Nick?

Vinegar: No. I don’t think so. Well, lets just wait and see as they lock up in the middle of the ring. Devonte has the strength advantage, as he easily overpowers Mitch into the corner. He goes for a chop in the corner but Mitch ducks it and follows up with a chop of his own. And another, and another. Hazel is trying to get Mitch to quit but he insists to continue with a barrage of chops to the chest of Rock Hard before he finally backs off. As Rock Hard tries to catch his breathe Mitch get right back on him with some quick punches in the corner. One right after the other, but no! Devonte gets out under Mitch’s legs and reverses it into an electric chair.

Hanson: No! A reversal crashing Mitch on the back of his head. And Devonte goes for the cover once again!

Hazel:

One...

Two...

Thre...

Hanson: And once again a kick out by Mitch Betts, as he rolls back onto his feet. But Hard is right there with a hard clothesline. Now he begins to stomp down on Betts. Now he poses for the crowd. Showing some love for the folks in the nose bleed section. But Betts gets back to his feet and standing right behind Hard. He has no idea! He turns around and gets a quick drop kick to his chest sending Devonte clear to the outside. Now Mitch is showboating to the crowd with a mixed reaction of boos and cheers.

Vinegar: Lets see if he’ll let Devonte into the ring cleanly.

Hazel: One! Two! Three! Four!

Vinegar: And yes, Devonte back into the ring cleanly, but no! Mitch connects with a running somersault senton on the chest of Rock Hard, having him rolling on the ground in pain! But Mitch isn’t done there, he grabs Hard by his head and begins to pick him up but Rock Hard reverses it into a jaw breaker! Maybe he knocked out some teeth of that smug Mitch Betts?!?

Hanson: I hope not! I think the women in here like him!

Vinegar: And here comes Devonte in with another clothesline! But no, a reversal with Mitch CATCHING DEVONTE’S ARMS, SPINNING HIM AROUND PICKING HIM UP BACKWARDS AND UPSIDE DOWN AND HE LANDS THE BITCH SLAP!!! ON TO DEVONTE!!! AND THE COVER!!!

Hazel:

One!

Two!

Three!

Dennis: And your winner via pin fall. Mitch Betts!

Vinegar: What an impressive debut upset victory for Mitch Betts! But what?!?!?! He's coming our way! He grabs the ring bell!!

Hanson: He’s really going to ring Devonte’s bell isn’t he? As he throws the bell into the ring, he slides in the ring himself. Throws his arms up showing up once again, but wait! Look! Devonte has the ring bell behind Mitch, he turns around and OW!!!

Vinegar: He really did get his bell rung, but he still is the victor here tonight over Rock “Devonte” Hard.

Hanson: HA! HA! HA! He’s zero and two! I guess he is a little frustrated I guess!

Vinegar: That is not nice, how unprofessional. He was simply defending himself from Betts.

Hanson: Well he still hasn't won yet, has he?

Vinegar: He's still learning the ropes! Give the man a break!

[The Crimson Ghost!]

Backstage, Declan Prescott sits lazily in his desk chair. Cara Costello is sitting on the desk, facing him and fiddling with a clickable pen.

Click! Click! Click!

Declan: That is really annoying.

Click.! Click! Click!

Cara: What is?

Click! Click! Click!

Declan: That!

Click! Click! Click!

Cara: This?

Click! Click! Click!

Declan snatches the pen away from Cara, causing her to giggle uncontrollably.

Declan: You're in a good mood.

Cara: Well I get to see Skinny wrestle tonight. What's not to be happy about?!

Declan: Nothing, unless you're Skinny.

Cara: And speaking of wrestling, you know I'm not allowed at ringside during your last man standing match with Brandon at No Holds Barred, right?

Declan: Right.

Cara: And you know No Holds Barred is in Houston, right?

Declan: Right

Cara: And you know Houston is my hometown, right?

Declan: Right.

Cara: Right.

Declan: Right?

Cara: Well I'd like to be on the show. Even if I can't be there for your match.

Declan: Are you saying you want to be in a match, yourself?

Cara: No! No! I just want to be on the show somewhere.

Declan: I'll give you a match.

Cara: But I just said -

Declan: A match you'll like.

Cara: Oh yeah?

Declan: Yeah. Cara Costello vs. Brandon McSkinny - a bra and panties match!!!!!

Cara: o.O

The camera cuts back to the arena, as "Killing In The Name" hits. Sean Jensen, with Progdoor, makes his way into the arena. He receives a large cheer, as he jogs down the ramp.

Dennis: The following match is scheduled for one fall! Introducing first, from Sacramento, California and weighing in at 223 pounds, The Real Innovator... SEEEAAAAN JENSEEEEEEEEEEN!!!!

Jensen rolls into the ring and leaps onto the top rope. He takes in the adoration he is receiving from the fans for several moments, before tossing his hoody into the audience.

A shitty, generic guitar riff hits and Kane White walks through the curtains. The arena is dead silent, interrupted only by the sound of someone coughing.

Dennis: And the opponent.

Vinegar: ...

Hanson: Roffle coptors.

Vinegar: Well... Yes... White slides into the ring and Jensen instantly takes him down with an enziguri! MY GOD, THE IMPACT WAS INCREDIBLE!!!

Hanson: Why are you even trying, Nick? No one cares about this match.

Vinegar: These fans are supporting Jensen.

Hanson: Well if the match was Jensen verse Jensen, that might mean something.

Vinegar: Baby!

Hanson: I KNOW YA HATE MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!

Vinegar: Okay then... Back in the ring, Jensen has just delivered a pile driver to Kane White. White is making his singles match debut here, but he's not doing too well.

Hanson: Not doing too well? He hasn't landed a single attack!

Vinegar: And he's just been planted with a DDT. Now Jensen is going to the top rope. What's he got planned?

Hanson: Something from the top rope, I'm guessing.

Vinegar: Very funny. Now Jensen leaps off an lands the Frog Splash '08! He makes the cover! ONE! TWO! THRE -

Hanson: Ha! He just lifted White's shoulder off the mat! He's just mocking the man, now.

Vinegar: I've never seen Jensen act like this, as he's lifting Kane off the ground now. MAJOR HEADACHE!!! NOW JENSEN MAKES THE COVER AGAIN! ONE! TWO! THREE!!

Dennis: Your winner... SEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAN JENSEEEEEEEEEN!!!!!

Hanson: Well there you go.

Vinegar: I guess that'll teach White to use his words more carefully from now on.

Hanson: Or it'll teach him to never wrestle again. I'm hoping for the latter.

Vinegar: I really don't give a shit either way.

Hanson: o.O

[The Crimson Ghost!]

"Immortal" blasts into play, as the fans in the GIW arena begin booing loudly. Donovan Hastings, with Calypso Desmona, enters the arena.

Dennis: The following match is scheduled for one fall! Introducing first, from Hartford, Connecticut and weighing in at 230 pounds, The Immortal, The Lord Of Pain, Lord Hastings... DONOVAAAAAAAAAAAAAN HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAASTINGS!!!!!

Hastings enters the ring and removes his dark cloak, before casting his gaze to the entrance stage. He stands patiently in the ring, awaiting his opponent.

"Bulls On Parade" hits and Levi Witham marches into the arena. The fans greet him with a loud cheer, as a pyro erupts behind him.

Dennis: And the opponent, currently residing in Salt Lake City, Utah and weighing in at 210 pounds... LEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEVI WITHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAM!!!!!!

Witham rolls into the ring and climbs onto the top rope. He extends his arms into the air, as the fans continue to cheer.

Vinegar: Witham receiving a very positive reaction here, as he taunts on the top rope. But Hastings clubs him on the back and the bell has rung! Hastings taking a cheap shot and now grabbing Witham by the tights and smashing him spine first into the canvas!

Hanson: You call it cheap, I call it smart.

Vinegar: One of those tomato type deals?

Hanson: This is wrestling, Nick!

Vinegar: Right... Anyway, Hastings is stomping away at Witham. Now he's pulling the kid up and whips him into the ropes. Witham comes back and Hastings levels him with a hip toss!

Hanson: Harsh impact there. Levi must be hurting after that one.

Vinegar: He's not letting it show, though. He's getting back to his feet, but Hastings is ready and looks to score with a spine buster! But Witham counters into a HUGE DDT! Excellent move there by Levi Witham, who now drops an elbow across Hastings' face.

Hanson: But now Donovan has hold of Levi's leg! He trips the kid up! Very intelligent is this guy, Hastings.

Vinegar: I have to agree, as Hastings begins stomping away at Witham's midsection.

Hanson: You have to agree? Jeez Nick, give Hastings a break. What has he ever done to you?

Vinegar: Nothing to me personally, I just dislike the tactics he employs in the ring.

Hanson: You always have resented winners.

Vinegar: Oh please. Now Hastings has pulled Witham to his feet and tossed him into the corner. Hastings is smashing Witham's gut with a barrage of stern shoulder thrusts. Now he's bringing him into the centre of the ring and is looking for an abdomen stretch!

Hanson: Hastings is on top form tonight!

Vinegar: You may have spoken too soon, as Witham counters with some well placed elbow shots into his opponent's face! Hastings stumbles backwards, which is more than enough time for Witham to hit a harsh bicycle kick into his face!!

Hanson: Ouch! He can't do that!

Vinegar: He sure as hell can, as he whips Hastings into the ropes! The Immortal comes racing back and Witham turns him inside out with a GIANT clothesline!!! The tables are turning in this match, now!

Hanson: I can't stand it! Levi cheated!

Vinegar: Give it a rest! Now Witham has made his way onto the top rope! Moonsault coming up! YES! LEVI SOARS THROUGH THE AIR AND NAILS A GIGANTIC MOONSAULT!!! HE COVERS! ONE! TWO! THRE - ARGH! HASTINGS KICKS OUT!!

Hanson: That was too close! Stop toying with him Donovan, it's time to finish this!

Vinegar: You're unbelievable! Now Witham is pulling Hastings to his feet, but Desmona is on the ring apron!! And with Hazel East distracted, Hastings connects with a low blow!!!

Hanson: I didn't see any such thing!

Vinegar: You're a damn liar! And now Desmona has returned to the floor, as Hastings is positioning Witham on the top rope! He's climbing up himself and here it comes! If he nails this it's all over!!!

Hanson: AND HE DOES!!!

Vinegar: BANG!!! HASTINGS JUST PLANTED WITHAM INTO THE RING WITH THE INEVITABILITY!!! WITHAM JUST WENT PLUMMETING SOME TEN FEET THROUGH THE AIR!!! HASTINGS COVERS! ONE! DAMMIT NO! TWO! NOT LIKE THIS! THREE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Hanson: Ha! He did it! What'd I tell ya?!

Dennis: Your winner... DONOVAAAAAAAAAAAAN HAAAAAAAAAAAAASTINGS!!!!!

Vinegar: This is just a damn shame.

Hanson: Nonsense. This was a well earned victory for Hastings!

Vinegar: Earned?! He damn well cheated and you know -

Hanson: Shut it, Nick! Calypso has given Lord Hastings a mic and he's about to speak. You have to listen to a lord, you know?!

Hastings: Ladies and gentlemen, you have just witnessed something truly special. You have just witnessed... No... No, what you just witnessed was a disgrace! A man of my statue should not be wasting his time on no talent hacks like this piece of garbage I just destroyed!

Hanson: He's right! Give the man a challenge!

Vinegar: What the hell is wrong with you?! He had to cheat just to beat Witham!

Hanson: You must have been watching a different match to the rest of us, Nick.

Vinegar: I don't believe this.

Hastings: I am Lord Hastings! I possess a name that you people shall never forget! And I'm being booked in matches with scum like this?! It's ridiculous! It's insulting!

Vinegar: How long is this guy going to monologue for?

Hanson: As long as he wants, Nick. Once you reach lordship you're allowed to do that!

Vinegar: It's not like you would know.

Hanson: Harsh...

Vinegar: WHAT THE?! Rock Hard is on the apron behind Hastings! The Lord Of Pain hasn't even realised it! Devonte is just staring with fiery eyes at Hastings! What's going on here?!

Hanson: Rock is just jealous! And now Calypso has spotted that sore loser!

Vinegar: Hastings never actually beat him, Dan. And now Hastings is turning around to see Devonte leaping onto the top rope! BAM!! HE JUST OBLITERATED THE LORD OF PAIN WITH A MODIFIED ROCK HARD RIGHT SLAM!!!!

Hanson: HE'S NOT ALLOWED TO DO THAT!!

Vinegar: No one can stop him! Rock hard has just turned Hastings inside out, clearly getting some revenge from last week! And now he's got his sights set firmly on Desmona, who cost him his match last week!

Hanson: No! This shouldn't be happening! Go help her, Nick!

Vinegar: Fuck no.

Hanson: o.O

Vinegar: And now what is Hard going to do to Desmona?! WHAT?! MITCH BETTS JUST SLID INTO THE RING WITH A CHAIR!! BANG!!! HE JUST BLASTED DEVONTE OVER THE HEAD!!! ROCK HARD HAS BEEN LAID OUT!!!

Hanson: Ha! Now that's revenge!

Vinegar: And now Mitch Betts is leaving the ring, as Hastings, Hard and Witham are all sprawled across the canvas. The ring looks like a war zone!

Hanson: A war that Mitch Betts just won!

Vinegar: I think things are just beginning, here.

[The Crimson Ghost!]

"Why Can't We Be Friends" hits and the reaction is even more silent than Kane White's. Brandon McSkinny enters the arena, the sock he stuffed his crotch with sticking out of his tights.

Dennis: The following match is going to be a total squash. Introducing first... THE JOBBER!!!!!

Skinny rolls into the ring and begins thrusting his pelvis towards Mitchell Dennis.

Skinny: DO YA LIKE 'EM SKINNY?!?!?!?!

Dennis throws up and exits the ring.

Hanson: Awww, Bones isn't gonna be happy.

Dennis: Fuck Bones!

Hanson: Woah! Let's relax, everyone!

Vinegar: Skinny does have a tendency of bringing out the worst in people. In this particular case, I have to say it's his fault.

"The Air That I Breathe" hits and Declan Prescott and Cara Costello emerge on the stage. They are met with a cheer, which catches Declan slightly off guard. He stumbles, before regaining his footing and making his way down the ramp, with Cara by his side.

Vinegar: These fans are actually supporting Prescott and Costello. I guess they must just hate Skinny that badly.

Hanson: You're crazy! Everyone loves Declan and Cara!

Vinegar: I guess I missed the memo where 'Daniel Hanson' now equals 'everyone'.

Hanson: There was no memo. It's always been that way. Ha!

Dennis: Your winner... DECLAAAAAAAAAAAN PREEEEEEEEEESCOTT!!!

Hanson: Wait, what?!

Vinegar: Peterson is raising Prescott's arm and Skinny in unconscious on the canvas!

Hanson: Are you saying we missed the whole match?!

Vinegar: I guess we were too busy bickering. Let that be our lesson, I suppose.

Hanson: Word.

[The Crimson Ghost!]

"Amerika" hits and the arena turns dark. A pyro soon bursts, as Savage marches angrily onto the stage. He is greeted by a large, unanimous boo, but takes no notice as he makes his way down the ramp.

Dennis: The following match is a six man tornado tag team match! Introducing first, currently residing in Hartford, Connecticut and weighing in at 225 pounds, The Last Aryan, The Brutal Enigma... SAVAAAAAAAAAAAAAGE!!!!!

Savage rolls into the ring and begins stretching on the ropes, as his music fades.

It is soon replaced by Hiroshima's theme. Aragato emerges on the stage and is met with a mixed response, but the jeers seem to outweigh the cheers.

Dennis: And the partner, from Kyoto, Japan and weighing in at 215 pounds, representing Hiroshima, Mr. Deathmatch... ARAGAAAAAAAAATO!!!!!

Aragato enters the ring and climbs onto the top rope, as Savage eyes him off wearily. Aragato soon places himself on the canvas and squats down in the centre of the ring, his eyes set upon the entrance stage.

"For Whom The Bell Tolls" hits and the arena instantly fills with a heated boo. Aesc The Dark drifts through the curtains and begins moving down the ramp.

Dennis: And the partner, from Parts Unknown and weighing in at 300 pounds, The Black Minister, The Lord Of Darkness... AAAAAAEEEEEESC THE DAAAAAAAARRRRK!!!!

Aesc enters the ring via the steel steps and shares an intense stare down with his two partners. He reluctantly turns to face the arena entrance, patiently awaiting the arrival of his opponents.

The arena turns pitch black and fills with several, eerie musical notes. As the lights return, Lord Deathman is kneeling in the middle of the ring.

Dennis: And the opponent, from The Dark and weighing in at -

Vinegar: My God, Dennis has been cut off and has chosen to flea the ring, as Savage, Aesc and Aragato are all attacking Lord Deathman! The three men are stomping away at the downed Deathman! His partners aren't even out here yet!

Hanson: And that's why they're attacking him! If they can take out one man off the bat, especially a guy like Deathman, they'll have this match in the bag!

Vinegar: And Deathman is being absolutely clobbered here! As tough as he is, he can't withstand an onslaught from three opponents!

Hanson: It was his fault for entering the ring when he was outnumbered one-to-thre -

I TURN UP THE TROUBLE, 'TIL IT GETS REAL LOUD!
I FEEL SO MUCH BETTER THAT WAY!
ALRIGHT! YEAH!

Vinegar: MY GOD, IT'S CHRIS AUSTIN! THE HARDCORE CHAMPION IS DASHING DOWN THE RAMP AND SLIDES INTO THE RING! BAM! HE JUST LEVELLED ARAGATO WITH THE SOCAL GUTCHECK!!!!

Hanson: That was insane speed, by Austin! Now he's set his sights on Aragato!

Vinegar: That he has, as he unbuckles the Hardcore Title from his waist AND SMASHES IT STRAIGHT INTO MR. DEATHMATCH'S FACE! ARAGATO IS DOWN!!! Now he swings the belt at Aesc AND BLASTS HIM IN THE FOREHEAD!

Hanson: Austin is going crazy with that belt!!

Vinegar: Aesc stumbles back into the corner and Austin smashes his skull with that belt once more! Now he climbs onto the second rope and is blasting away at The Black Minister with a barrage of rights and lefts!! And Aragato is getting back to his feet, behind Austin! But Deathman blasts him with a big boot to the face!!

Hanson: Deathman is very angry now and that's not a good thing for his opponents!

Vinegar: You're certainly right, as The General Of Destruction is kicking away at Aragato's skull! But meanwhile Aesc is able to wrap his hands around Austin's throat! He forces his way out of the corner, carrying Austin the entire way! BANG! He just tossed the Hardcore Champion into Deathman!!

Hanson: And he follows up with a big clothesline, sending Deathman tumbling down! Impressive strength from The Lord Of Darkness!

Vinegar: And Austin charges, looking for an attack, but Aesc sidesteps! AUSTIN GOES RUNNING STRAIGHT INTO A TIGER V FROM SAVAGE!!!!

Hanson: Wow! Austin just got speared out of his shoes!!

Vinegar: And now Savage and Aesc are both stomping away at Deathman! This action has been truly intense and the bell hasn't even sounded -

"WHEN I GET HIGH, I GET HIGH ON SPEED!

TOP FUEL FUNNY CAR'S A DRUG FOR ME!

MY HEART! MY HEART!

KICKSTART MY HEART!"

Vinegar: MY GOD, THE FANS JUST EXPLODED WITH CHEERS!!! THE GLOBAL HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPION IS HERE!!!!

Hanson: Where?! I can't see him! This could be like Black Axis all over again!!

Vinegar: THERE!! HE'S CHARGING DOWN THE RAMP, WITH THE TITLE BELT AROUND HIS WAIST! HE SLIDES INTO THE RING! BAM! HE JUST CLOTHESLINED SAVAGE RIGHT OVER THE ROPES AND OUT OF THE RING!!! ARAGATO IS BACK UP AND BROWN SMASHES HIM AN AN INVERTED ATOMIC DROP! BANG! BANG! BANG! HE BLASTS MR. DEATHMATCH WITH A BARRAGE OF RIGHT HANDS! NOW HE SENDS ARAGATO OVER THE TOP ROPE AS WELL!!

Hanson: And now he's striking away at Aesc with some frenetic right hands! Brown is even more hyped than Austin was!!

Vinegar: And the bell has rung and this match is officially underway, as Brandon Brown whips Aesc to the ropes! Brown runs to the ropes and comes back with a flying forearm! But Aesc ducks! Brown hits the canvas, but instantly springs back to his feet!

Hanson: But Aesc is ready and grabs him by the throat! Lights out for Brown!

Vinegar: No! Deathman hits a stiff, jumping kick into the back of Aesc's skull and sends him crashing to the mat! Brown finally has time to unbuckle his Title belt, but as soon as he does, Savage and Aragato enter the ring, both armed with steel chairs! BANG! THEY JUST BLASTED BOTH BROWN AND DEATHMAN IN THEIR HEADS!! BOTH MEN HIT THE MAT!!!

Hanson: Jeez, look at how dented those chairs are! Brown and Deathman may be out of this match for good!

Vinegar: And now Austin is starting to get back to his feet, but he still seems wobbly. CON-CHAIR-TO COMING UP!

Hanson: NO! AUSTIN DUCKS IT!!

Vinegar: BAM! SAVAGE AND ARAGATO JUST SWUNG THEIR CHAIRS INTO EACH OTHER!!! BOTH MEN ARE DOWN!!

Hanson: Ha! There are guys being taken out left, right and centre! I love it!

Vinegar: And Aesc is shaking the cobwebs from his head, after that brutal kick he took. But Austin has the Hardcore Title in his hands and doesn't look to be in a forgiving mood! He drops the Title on the canvas and SMASH! HE JUST PLANTED AESC'S FACE INTO THE BELT WITH AN EVEN FLOW DDT!!!

Hanson: Now Austin is the only man left standing. He really is hardcore, Nick!

Vinegar: And he's exiting the ring and has taken hold of a table. He's sliding it back into the ring, seemingly wanting to end this match!

Hanson: But Aesc sits up! Jeez, that guy really isn't human!

Vinegar: Aesc has been busted open at the forehead, but is still very much alive and kicking! Austin slides into the ring, looking to go on the attack! But it's too late! Aesc is back to his feet! BANG! He smashes a fist into the Hardcore Champ, sending him reeling to the ropes. Now Aesc has hold of the Hardcore Championship! He swings, but Austin ducks AND DROPKICKS THE GOLD INTO AESC'S FACE!! Aesc is forced once again into the corner! And now Austin is hoisting him up onto the top rope! HE'S LOOKING FOR THE SOCAL GUTCHECK 2.0!!!!

Hanson: No way! He can't lift Aesc The Dark! Austin's been in one too many hardcore matches, if you ask me!!

Vinegar: You're wrong! With some inhuman strength, Austin is able to lift The Black Minister onto his shoulders! My God, I don't believe this! GUTCHECK COMING UP! NO!!! SAVAGE IS BACK TO HIS FEET AND SMASHES A FIST INTO AUSTIN'S GROIN!!! AUSTIN AND AESC BOTH JUST WENT CRASHING INTO THE CANVAS!!!

Hanson: And Aesc landed on top of Austin!!! Chris may be dead!!

Vinegar: BACK IN THE RING, SAVAGE JUST GOT SUPERKICKED BY A REJUVENATED BRANDON BROWN!!! THAT DEADLY KICK OUT OF NOWHERE JUST SENT SAVAGE PLUMMETING TO THE OUTSIDE!!!

Hanson: And now Brown is setting up that table!!

Vinegar: BUT ARAGATO BLASTS HIM WITH OBSIDIAN SCOURGE!!! THE GLOBAL HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPION HAS BEEN BLINDED BY THAT BLACK MIST!!!

Hanson: But he's not following up! He's leaving the ring instead!!!

Vinegar: WHAT?! Aragato is heading backstage! This doesn't make any sense!!

Hanson: But it's still happening! And now Aragato has gone behind the curtains and totally out of sight! He's left his team high and dry and Deathman is getting back to his feet!!

Vinegar: And he's pulling Aesc up to his feet! He's dragging The Black Minister towards the table!! This match could be moments from ending!

Hanson: No! Aesc rakes Deathman's eyes and scores with an uppercut straight into the jaw! Ha! Excellent move!

Vinegar: And now Aesc is rolling Deathman onto the table! The tables have turned, so to speak!

Hanson: That was lame. But what isn't lame is Aesc climbing the table and setting up for the Satanic Conversion!!!

Vinegar: MY GOD! HE'S GONNA SMASH DEATHMAN RIGHT THROUGH THAT TABLE!! NO!! THE STILL RECOVERING AUSTIN GRABS THE TABLES LEGS AND TIPS IT UPSIDE DOWN!!!

Hanson: Deathman and Aesc both just ate mat! Austin sacrificed his team member to keep his team in the match! Great move!

Vinegar: I don't know how much Deathman will appreciate it, though! Now Austin is staggering back to his feet. I don't think he even knows where he right now!

Hanson: He's going to know pretty soon, because Aragato is back in the ring AND HE'S WEARING THAT HARNESS OF KENDO STICKS!!!!

Vinegar: MY GOD! BANG! BANG! BANG! HE'S BLASTING AWAY AT AUSTIN WITH THOSE KENDO STICKS!!! AUSTIN IS ON HIS KNEES AND BLEEDING FROM THE FOREHEAD, BUT STILL BEING PUMMELLED BY THAT BARRAGE OF WEAPONS!!!

Hanson: AND NOW HE'S UP TO THE LAST ONE!! AUSTIN'S BEAUTIFUL FACE HAS BEEN COMPLETELY MANGLED! HOW'S HE GONNA SEDUCE HAZEL NOW?!?!?!

Vinegar: OH SHUT IT! ARAGATO IS ABOUT TO DELIVER THE FINAL BLOW - NO!!!! DEATHMAN TAKES HOLD OF THE KENDO STICK AND SNAPS IT OVER HIS LEG!!!

Hanson: And Aragato has been caught off guard here!!

Vinegar: AND DEATHMAN LIFTS HIM OFF THE GROUND!!! DEATH NOTE PLANTS ARAGATO STRAIGHT INTO THE CANVAS!!!!

Hanson: But Aesc is standing tall behind Deathman and he has both Title belts in his hands!!

Vinegar: And Deathman turns around to get the table, not knowing Aesc is there! BANG! AESC JUST SMASHED BOTH TITLES INTO BOTH SIDES OF DEATHMAN'S SKULL!!

Hanson: A Deathman sandwich?!

Vinegar: But Aesc isn't going to stop there! HE'S LOOKING FOR THE SATANIC CONVERSION A SECOND TIME!!!

Hanson: AND THIS TIME HE HITS IT!! DEATHMAN JUST GOT WIPED OUT!!!

Vinegar: But Austin has crawled over to Aesc and delivers a low blow from behind!! AND NOW BROWN OUT OF NOWHERE WITH A SUPERKI - NO!!! SAVAGE GRABS HIS LEG AND DRAGS HIM OUT OF THE RING!!!

Hanson: And Aesc and Austin are both down, as Savage smashes Brown face first into the ring steps! Jeez, this is complete chaos!!

Vinegar: And now Savage is dragging Brown over to our announce table. He just smashed the Global Champ's face into the table!! Now he's looking to roll him onto the table! But Brown fights out with some quick rights and lefts to Savage! HE HOISTS HIM UP!!! GTS SENDING SAVAGE SMASHING INTO THE ANNOUNCE TABLE!!!

Hanson: And Savage just went bouncing off the table and thumping to the floor! But because the table didn't break, the match is still going!!

Vinegar: Correct you are, as Brown is now grabbing another table! And he's propping it up against the announce table! What's he planning?!

Hanson: Now he's leaning Savage's barely conscious body against that second table. Whatever Brown has in mind, it can't be good for The Brutal Enigma!

Vinegar: And Brown is calling over Austin! The Hardcore Champ is pulling himself onto the top rope! What is this?!

Hanson: He's gonna leap from the top rope to the outside and send Savage crashing through that table! The guy is nuts!!

Austin: I'M HARDCORE!!!

Vinegar: And Aesc rushes toward Austin as fast as he can, but Deathman grabs his ankle! Aesc kicks himself free, but it's too late! AUSTIN HAS LEAPED FROM THE TOP ROPE!!! SOCAL GUTCHECK SMASHING HIMSELF AND SAVAGE THROUGH THE TABLE!!!! IT'S OVER!!!!

Dennis: Your winners... LOOOOORD DEATHMAAAAAAAAAAN, CHRRRRRRRRRRRRIS AAAAAAUUUUUSTIN AND BRRRRRRRRRRANDON BRRRRRRRRRROWN!!!!

Hanson: I don't believe it! Austin may have just killed himself to win the match! That man really is the most hardcore man on the planet!

Vinegar: You may be right! Neither Savage or Austin are moving, Brandon Brown can barely stand, but back in the ring Deathman and Aesc are caught in a brawl! They don't care that the match has ende -

"I WILL NOT RELENT! NO! NO!

NEVER LIVE WITH DEFEAT! NEVER FALTER!

IT'S LIKE THE AIR THAT I BREATHE!

I WILL NOT CHOKE ON FAILURE!

Vinegar: WHAT IS THIS?!

Hanson: It's Declan Prescott!! The owner is marching down the ramp and around the ring to where we're sitting!!

Vinegar: And he has a pair of brass knuckles wrapped around his fingers!! What the hell is that man doing?!

Hanson: He just grabbed Brown by the throat! He's got some sinister intentions in mind with those brass knuckles!!

Vinegar: This is pathetic! He's attacking a man straight after an incredibly brutal match! Brown can't even defend himself! And now -

"WHEN YOU LOOK YOU SEE RIGHT THROUGH ME!
CUT THE ROPE, FELL TO MY KNEES!
FALLEN, BROKEN EVERY SINGLE TIME!

Vinegar: WHAT?! IT'S BIG B BROWN! BIG B BROWN IS CHARGING DOWN THE RAMP!!

Hanson: BUT KOMOSUBE IS RIGHT BEHIND HIM! THE BIG SUMO JUST CLOTHESLINED BROWN TO THE GROUND!

Vinegar: Nevertheless, the distraction has given Brandon enough time to hit a quick kick into Prescott's gut! Now the two are trading fists, as Komosube stomps away at Big B Brown and Deathman and Aesc are clobbering each other in the ring!! But here comes Misery and Christina Lust, looking to break up the battle between their men!

Hanson: This is madness! ARGH! AND ARAGATO JUST WENT FLYING THROUGH THE ROPES AND INTO BRANDON BROWN!!!

Vinegar: MY GOD! FOLKS, WE'RE OUT OF TIME! WE HAVE PUNCH UPS AND BROKEN BODIES LITTERED IN EVERY DIRECTION! WE'LL BE BACK IN TWO WEEKS AND WE HOPE YOU CAN JOIN US! UNTIL THEN, I'M NICHOLAS VINEGAR, WITH DANIEL HANSON, SIGNING OFF!!!