Sentinel 26/4/08 RESULTS

[The Crimson Ghost!]

Hanson: Oooohhhhhh yeeeeeaaaaahhhh, we're back, baby!

Vinegar: ...

Hanson: What?

Vinegar: You really should let me do the introduction, you know?

Hanson: You dissin' Dan Dawg?

Vinegar: Jeez, I think I felt our ratings just halve... Moving on, welcome to Sentinel, folks! We had a break from air last week, but now we're back with one hell of a show for you all to enjoy! I'm Nicholas Vinegar, here with the man who I refuse to call 'Dan Dawg', Daniel Hanson!

Hanson: Dan Dawg likes tonight's line up, Nick! We've got the first GIW women's match ever, Sean Jensen and Chris Austin locking up in a much anticipated rematch and Declan Prescott is going to be on guest commentary for the main event!

Vinegar: Did he tell you to make his presence the match's main selling point?

Hanson: Are you implying Dan Dawg some kind of yes man?!

Vinegar: I don't have to. Folks, despite The Significant Player's presence in our announcing booth during the main event, the match should still be a great one! Brandon Brown, the Global Heavyweight Champion, is going to be going against Aesc The Dark, Lord Deathman and Aragato! It's going to be one insane show tonight!

The eerie musical scores that have always accompanied Lord Deathman's arrival begin playing. This time, however, it is Misery who appears in the centre of the ring. Calypso Desmona is by her side and both women look incredibly tense.

Dennis: The following match is the FIRST EVER GIW women's match! Introducing first, accompanied by Calypso Desmona, from The Pit, the Queen Of The Damned, The Queen Of... Bitches? What the fuck? Urgh... MISERRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRY!!!!!!!!!

Hanson: Dennis failed pretty definitively right there and Misery doesn't look too happy about it.

Vinegar: When does she look happy?!

Hanson: She will once she starts laying the hurt on Rianna Tyler. Ha!

"Windbringer" hits over the P.A. system, as Rianna Tyler and Christina Lust emerge on the entrance stage.

Dennis: And the opponent, being accompanied by Christina Lust, currently residing in New York City, the Black Heart of GIW... RIAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAANNA TYLEEEEEEEEEEERRRRRRRRRR!!!!!

Vinegar: Smiling, Rianna Tyler slides into the ring. Misery instantly goes on the attack and smashes her opponent in the face with a right hand! The bell has rung and the Queen of the Damned has the advantage in the early going!

Hanson: And Misery looks to be in a hurting type of mood, tonight. She pulls Tyler up and forces her into the corner. Now she's smashing away at Tyler's chest with some harsh knife hands! Vicious stuff from the Queen of Bitches.

Vinegar: Do you have to say that?

Hanson: It's her name, Nick!

Vinegar: It's a nickname and a rather unsavoury one at that. Back in the ring, Misery whips Tyler to the ropes. Rianna reverses and pulls Misery straight into a smashing Samoan drop! Now the Black Heart of GIW is climbing to the top rope. But it's too early in the match, as Misery is already back to a vertical base! The Queen of the Damned charges, but Tyler leaps from the top rope AND CONNECTS WITH A FLYING FOREARM!!!

Hanson: And now both ladies are down, but it's Tyler who is up first.

Vinegar: And she scores with a quick leg drop that Misery is unable to avoid. Now Tyler is pulling her opponent up, but Misery scores with a quick fist to the gut! Now she locks a bear hug onto Tyler!! Black Heart quickly breaks free with two fists to each side of Misery's skull! Now Tyler whips her opponent into the corner!

Hanson: Misery hits the turnbuckle and drops to the mat.

Vinegar: And now Tyler moves in for the attack. She's managed to gain the upper hand over her bigger and stronger opponent, here. Impressive work by the debuting star.

Hanson: You spoke too soon, Nick! Misery grabs Tyler by the beltline and pulls her face first into the second turnbuckle! What a move?!

Vinegar: And Tyler goes stumbling lifelessly out of the corner and falls to the canvas. That was some incredible strength displayed by the Queen of the Da -

Hanson: BITCHES!

Vinegar: Oh God... Now Misery has pulled herself back to her feet. She pulls Tyler up by the hair and is locking in the torture rack! NO! Tyler slides free and LEVELS Misery with HUGE German suplex!! These fans have exploded, as Tyler has now taken complete control! NO! Desmona just grabbed Tyler's ankle from the outside!

Hanson: You're crazy, Nick. I saw no such thing!

Vinegar: But Rianna isn't having any of it! She drops onto her back and slaps Calypso across the face!!

Hanson: That's just disrespectful!

Vinegar: Just like Desmona has no respect for the rules! Tyler is back to her feet now, but the distraction has given Misery time to recover! The Queen of the Damned charges with a clothesline! But Rianna ducks and scores with a GIANT dropkick!!! Misery goes flying over the top rope AND COLLIDING RIGHT INTO CALYPSO DESMONA!!!

Hanson: OH MY GOD! SHE MAY HAVE BEEN CRUSHED!!!

Vinegar: But Tyler isn't done yet! She's climbing to the top rope AND DELIVERS A LEG DROP ALL THE WAY TO THE OUTSIDE! BUT MISERY ROLLS TO SAFETY AND DESMONA TAKES THE WHOLE IMPACT!!!

Hanson: THAT POOR WOMAN! SHE'S NOT EVEN INVOLVED IN THE MATCH!!

Vinegar: She involved herself when she attacked Tyler! But the real story here is that Misery evaded that colossal attack! Now she's grabbed the hurting Tyler by the hair and pulled her up! MISERY IS LOOKING FOR THE DROP IN THE PIT! SHE HITS IT!! RIGHT INTO THE STEEL STAIRS!!!!

Hanson: THAT WAS JUST BRUTAL! AND NOW MISERY IS CLIMBING BACK INTO THE RING!!

Vinegar: And Hazel East continues the count. She reaches ten and Tyler has barely moved outside the ring! This one is over!

Dennis: Your winner, via count out... MISERRRRRRRRRRY!!!!!

Vinegar: This was a physical match and Tyler sure delivered an impressive performance, but sadly, Calypso Desmona felt the need to interfere in the match. Things could have turned out very differently if she hadn't.

Hanson: But you know who didn't get involved in the match? Christina Lust! She just stood there and watched Tyler get brutalised. You know what this means, Nick?

Vinegar: I certainly do. It means that at No Holds Barred, it's going to be every woman for herself!

Hanson: Now that's hardcore!

The camera cuts to the backstage area, where Chris Austin, with the Hardcore Title draped over his shoulder, is watching the action in the ring unfold through a monitor. He's biting his bottom lip and tapping his hips impatiently.

Austin: It's about time GIW got a women's division. Although all these sweaty babes are really distracting me from my match -

: Hey Chris, who are you talking to?

Austin spins on the spot and frowns unapprovingly at the man standing before him. It is none other than the mighty Kane White!

Austin: I was talking to the camera, genius. Everyone loves hearing my voice.

White: Well in that case, why don't you entertain me by answering some questions?

Austin: No, I don't swing that way. You should go ask Skinny, though.

White: Real funny. I was wondering if you'd care to tell me where you were when Rock Hard and Robert Garland were attacked.

Austin: Damn, you're still trying to figure that out? I thought everyone had stopped caring...

White: Answer the question, Chris.

Austin: I was preparing for my match! You know, the most brutal match in GIW history?! The match where I could barely stand once it was all said and done?! Unlike some people around here, I take my job very seriously. That's why I'm the Hardcore Champion!

White: What are you implying?!

Austin: What are you implying?! You really think I would attack two wrestlers, who aren't even close to being in my league, only moments before going out to defend my Hardcore Title against three Nazis?! I don't care about Hard or Garland. The only thing I care about is the Hardcore Title... well, I guess that's not the only thing...

White: What's that supposed to mean?!

Austin *whispering*: Cara...

White: Speak up, Chris!

Austin: Huh?! Nothing! Like I said, Garland and Hard aren't even worth my time! Now if you'll excuse me, I have a match to prepare for!

White: You go do that, then. I'll be in touch.

White turns to leave and begins moving away from Austin.

Austin: Oh, and White.

White: What do you want?

Austin: Don't call me Chris.

[The Crimson Ghost!]

Vinegar: Now onto our next match. It’s a tag team battle with the unlikely team of Donovan Hastings and Mitch Betts against the young gun tag team of Levi Witham and Rock ‘Devonte’ Hard. Lets get to it.

Dennis: The following contest is scheduled for one fall, it is a tag team match! Introducing first weighing in at one hundred and eighty pounds from Brisbane, Australia he is Mitch Betts!

Hanson: As “Quutame” by Apocoliptia, out comes Mitch Betts. With a very serious look on his face. He’s ready for business here tonight. He quickly gets to the ring and slides in. He doesn't even recognize the audience. He stands tall in the middle of the ring waiting for his partner Lord Hastings.

Vinegar: I thought there was only Lord Deathman?

Hanson: No. Didn’t you hear? Lord Deathman was promoted to the General of Destruction.

Vinegar: Of course he was.

Mitchell: And his tag team partner. Weighing in at two hundred and thirteen pounds. Residing in Hartford, Connecticut. He is Donovan Hastings!!!

Vinegar: “Immortal” by Adema blasts over the speakers here in the arena. And here comes Lord. Hastings. Slowly walking his way to the ring... Where is Calypso?

Hanson: She was out earlier. Remember, old man?

Vinegar: I’m not that old.

Hanson: Not that old, I remember seeing a picture of you in a book back in grade school with George Washington.

Vinegar: I am not that old! Lets get back to the match shall we?

Hanson: I want to know how old you are first.

Vinegar: Hastings is standing in the ring exchanging some words with Mitch Betts who seams to just brush it off his shoulder. Out come the tag team of Levi Witham and Rock ‘Devonte’ Hard.

Mitchell: And their opponents weighing in at a combined weight of four hundred and twenty three pounds, the tag team of Levi Witham and Rock ‘Devonte’ Hard!!!

Hanson: Well they lost.

Mitchell: The match hasn’t even started.

Hanson: So? They still lost.

Vinegar: You're unbelievable. “Rock star” by N.E.R.D. blasts out the arena as they... Where are they?
...
...
...
Oh. There they are, their coming through the audience! How kind of them? They got big smiles as they high five everyone as they come down. They jump over the barricade and slide into the ring. They pound fists. Devonte is signalling he wants to start. As Donovan smugly shoves Betts out of the way. Betts simply steps through the ropes as OH MY GOD A QUICK ATTACK BY DEVONTE DROPPING DONOVAN ON HIS BACK!!!

Hanson: What a cheap shot! A quick back suplex before the match even began. As Devonte is on top pummelling away at Donovan. This isn’t right.

Vinegar: A good defence is a great offence. As Rock quickly rolls over wrapping Donovan into a cross arm breaker. Great submission wrestling here by this young man. He releases and drags Donovan into the corner where Levi is waiting patiently. AND A TAG!!! Levi leaps to the top rope and quickly spins and lands a splash on to Donovan.

Peterson: One! Two! T...

Hanson: Yes! And a kick out by Hastings. But no! Levi drags him into a corner and begins to stomp a mud hole in him.

Peterson: ONE! TWO! THREE! FOUR! You got to get out of the corner!!!

Hanson: Levi backs off and arrogantly poses for the crowd but wait! He charges into the corner, going for a bronco buster and yes! Mitch Betts saved his partner by pulling him out of the corner from the outside!!! HA, HA, HA!!!

Vinegar: But he has to get to his corner for the tag. Poor Levi is still hung up in the corner. Donovan stands up then rolls himself closer to his partner and a tag to Betts! Betts quickly jumps over the rope and charges Levi in the corner and BAM! A knee into the back of this young man! What poor sportsmanship? Didn’t even let him out of the corner. Betts grabs Levi by the back of the neck and a neck breaker out of the corner!!!

Hanson: Damn! WHAT A GREAT MOVE!!! Levi is rolling around grasping his neck in pain! Betts is standing back a few feet, Levi is crawling back to his feet and OH MY GOD! A HUGE SCISSOR KICK to the back of Levi’s Head!!!

Vinegar: Betts is strutting around the ring mocking Levi, grabbing his neck, as if in pain. That isn’t right. Levi might have a serious injury!!

Hanson: That’s the risk of being a professional. That kid should know that by now, since he was destroyed by the General of Destruction twice!!!

Vinegar: Poor kid. Betts is coming in for the kill, he lifts Levi up signalling for the Bitch Slap I. LEVI REVERSES IT INTO A BACK CRACKER!!! NOW ITS LEVI ON THE OFFENCE. HE'S CRAWLING FOR ROCK HARD AS BETTS CRAWLS FOR HASTINGS!!!... SO CLOSE!! AND A TAG BY DEVONTE!!! HE COMES RUNNING IN BUT A...

Hanson: A tag to Donovan! They collide with a double clothesline. But Donovan gets to his feet a bit quicker than Devonte! He quickly kicks Levi off the ring. Donovan signals for the Destiny's Call. He locks Devonte under his arm!!!

Vinegar: YES! Devonte reverses it into a charging shoulder in the corner. Ram after ram! Devonte gets his second win and comes charging in for another shoulder, but Donovan moves towards the middle of the ring and launches Devonte above himself. Devonte tries to catch his balance but lands spread eagle on the top rope!!!

Hanson: DONOVAN STANDS BACK TO BACK TO DEVONTE HERE WE GO IT’S THE INEVITABILITY!!! SENDING DEVONTE TO THE MIDDLE OF THE RING!!! Betts knocks Levi off the ringside as Owen Peterson makes the count!!!

Peterson: ONE! TWO THREE!!! RING THE BELL!!!

Dennis: Your winners... MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMITCH BEEEEEEEEEEEEETTS AND DONOVAAAAAAAAAAAAAAN HAAAAAAAAAASTINGS!!!!!


Hanson: Yes, another victory over Devonte! Wait...

Vinegar: Levi comes back into the ring, he nails Donovan from behind. He lifts him up in a suplex and lands him on the top rope. Looking for a top rope superplex, but Betts it right below him setting up a electric chair!!! But here comes Devonte from the second rope, he grabs Levi on the side and OH MY GOD!!!! A SUPERPLEX TO DONOVAN, A SIDE SUPERPLEX TO LEVI, AND A ELECTRIC CHAIR TO LEVI AND DEVONTE!!!! OH MY GOD ALL FOUR ARE LAID OUT HERE IN THE MIDDLE OF THE RING!!!!

Hanson: I guess all four men have beef with each other. Maybe they’ll settle it at No Holds Barred?

Vinegar: They'll either settle it or make it much worse, when a shot at the Hardcore Title is on the line!

[The Crimson Ghost!]

In the GIW cafeteria, Big B Brown can be seen unenthusiastically gorging himself with a tub of ice cream and a wooden spoon. Kane White sits at the table, opposite the big man.

White: Hey Big B, what's happening?

Big B: I'm depressed...

White: Why's that?

Big B: I haven't had a match in weeks. I mean, I beat Komosube at Black Axis and yet Declan won't even book me in a single bout. It's not fair.

White: So you're eating your troubles away, huh?

Big B: I eat everything away. It's kind if my thing.

White: Well... Good for you... I guess...

Big B: If you've come to ask me about Garland and Hard, you're wasting your time.

White: Why's that?

Big B: They were attacked only seconds before my match with Komosube. I don't have the speed to make it from where they were found out to the ring in such a small amount of time.

White: You've got a point there. I guess you're in the clear.

Big B: Sometimes it pays to be fat.

White: Well thanks for your time. I'll tell you what. Because you were so helpful, I'm going to book you in a math for No Holds Barred.

Big B: You're not the co-owner anymore. You haven't been able to book matches since everyone discovered that you actually suck.

White: Oh yeah... Now I'm depressed too...

Big B: You'll have to find your own ice cream.

The camera cuts back to the GIW arena, as "Amerika" begins playing throughout the arena. Savage storms onto the stage, to a large boo from every fan in the building.

Dennis: The following match is scheduled for one fall! Introducing the special guest referee... SAVAAAAAAAAAAAAAGE!!!!!

Vinegar: Savage is making his way into the ring and he doesn't look very happy here tonight. But then, I don't think I've ever actually seen him in a good mood!

Hanson: The Brutal Enigma isn't the most cheerful guy, that's for sure, but he seems extra ticked off tonight. He's probably still feeling sore from when he was speared through that table last week. He'll most certainly be looking for revenge.

Vinegar: And that's why I'm glad I'm not Chris Austin right now.

Hanson: You're glad you're not Chris Austin, because you're afraid of women.

Vinegar: Hey, I'm married. You don't even have a girlfriend.

Hanson: Dan Dawg rolls with all kinds of crazy bitches!

Vinegar: And all of them are in videos.

Hanson: It's Blu Ray Nick, get it right. Oh wait, I shouldn't have said that...

Vinegar: Case closed, I dare say.

"Turn Up The Trouble" begins playing and Chris Austin makes his way into the arena. He has the Hardcore Title buckled firmly around his waist and is met with a mixture of both cheers and jeers.

Dennis: Introducing first, currently residing in San Diego, California and weighing in at 220 pounds, The Next Great One, the GIW HARDCORE CHAMPION... CHRRRRRRRRRRIS AAAAAAAAAAUUUUUSTIN!!!!!

Vinegar: Austin slides into the ring and begins removing his coat and Title belt, never taking his eyes off Savage, as he does so. These men truly despise each other, ladies and gentlemen.

Hanson: And it's hard to know which Savage is thinking about more right now - winning the Hardcore Title or hurting Chris Austin!

Vinegar: He'll have the chance to do both when these men lock up next week at No Holds Barred. But right now, Austin has another man to worry about!

"Nightmare" begins smashing throughout the arena and Sean Jensen jogs through the curtains, being met with an incredible cheer. Progdoor is closely behind him.

Dennis: And the opponent, being accompanied by Progdoor, from Sacramento, California and weighing in at 223 pounds, The Real Innovator... SEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAN JEEEEEEEEEEEEEENSEN!!!!!!

Vinegar: Jensen slides into the ring, removes his hoody and tosses it limply over the ropes. The bell ring here and Jensen doesn't seem his usual, energetic self.

Hanson: Rumours are spreading around about the identity of Roxy's baby's father. You know what those rumours are, Nick?

Vinegar: Lets just focus on the match, here.

Hanson: Apparently, it's Levi!

Vinegar: Austin and Jensen lock up!

Hanson: You're no fun.

Vinegar: Austin forces Jensen into the corner, despite the two being almost exactly the same weight and height. Austin connects with a stiff knife hand into Jensen's chest, before Savage separates the two.

Hanson: Austin isn't happy about it, but Savage is following the rules. He's a great referee! Glenn Burke could learn a thing or two from Savage!

Vinegar: That remains to be seen. Now Austin and Jensen lock up a second time. Austin whips Jensen to the ropes and The Real Innovator comes racing back, as Austin looks for a clothesline! But Sean ducks AND LEVELS AUSTIN WITH A CLOTHESLINE OF HIS OWN!!

Hanson: Woah! Huge impact from Jensen!

Vinegar: And The Next Great One is already climbing to his feet, but Jensen pulls him into a DVD and not Hanson's kind! BANG! Sean just planted Austin in the middle of the ring with the death valley driver!! HE HOOKS THE LEG! ONE! TW - AUSTIN KICKS OUT!!

Hanson: And Jensen didn't expect to win the match there, he was just sending a message to Austin - that he's coming at the Hardcore Champ with everything he has. You'll also notice that Savage didn't use a fast count. He's truly a man of integrity.

Vinegar: Don't make me laugh! Now Jensen smashes an elbow into the nose of the still downed Chris Austin! Jensen is being extremely aggressive here!

Hanson: Good for him. You need to be aggressive to make it in GIW!

Vinegar: And now Jensen is pulling The Next Great One back to his feet. Austin scores with an uppercut and sends Jensen reeling. The Hardcore Champion follows up with a DDT! He plants Jensen in the centre of the canvas and hooks the leg! ONE! One... One... Come on, Savage! Count, dammit!

Hanson: Jensen has kicked out anyway, but Austin doesn't seem pleased. He's getting in Savage's face here, giving the official some very foul words. You don't want to make Savage any angrier than you already have, Austin!

Vinegar: AND AUSTIN IS GOING TO HIT SAVAGE! DON'T DO IT, CHRIS! NO!!!! JENSEN ROLLS AUSTIN UP FROM BEHIND WITH A SCHOOL BOY!!!! ONETWOTHRE - AUSTIN BARELY KICKED OUT OF THAT SUPER FAST COUNT!! SO MUCH FOR INTEGRITY!!

Hanson: Austin nearly attacked Savage! Of course The Last Aryan is going to respond unfavourably!

Vinegar: But now Austin and Jensen are both back up! Both men dash toward each other and look for a double clothesline! BANG! Both men get taken down, but quickly spring back to their feet! Austin with a kick to the gut, looking for a power bomb!

Hanson: But Jensen counters and sends the Hardcore Champion crashing spine first into the mat!

Vinegar: And now Jensen is ascending to the top rope! FROG SPLASH '08!!! NO!!!! AUSTIN ROLLS OUT OF THE WAY AT THE LAST POSSIBLE SECOND!!!!

Hanson: Ha! Jensen just ate the mat! And now Austin is back to his feet and poised for the SoCal Gut Check!! A BIG TIME SPEAR COMING UP!!!

Vinegar: AUSTIN CHARGES AT JENSEN! BUT SAVAGE INTERCEPTS WITH THE TIGER V!!!! AUSTIN WAS JUST OBLITERATED BY THAT SAVAGE SPEAR FROM SAVAGE!!!!

Hanson: That was lame, Nick. And now Jensen is looking on totally confused, as Savage is pummelling Austin with a barrage of rights and lefts!

Vinegar: He's supposed to be the referee, dammit! This is uncalled for!! WHAT?! KANE WHITE JUST SLID INTO THE RING, BEHIND JENSEN!!

Hanson: And he has a steel chair!

Vinegar: White drops the chair, grabs Jensen AND DELIVERS A SPINE BUSTER ONTO THE WEAPON!!!!

Hanson: What brutality by Kane White?!?!

Vinegar: And now he's grabbing the steel chair! WHITE JUST BASHED THE CHAIR OVER THE SKULL OF SAVAGE!!!!

Hanson: WHAT?!?! WHY'D HE DO THAT?!?!?!

Vinegar: Because he wants Chris Austin to win the match!! He's dragging Austin's lifeless body over the downed Jensen, as Owen Peterson rushes down the ramp! Peterson is in the ring and counting, as White heads backstage! ONE! NO! TWO! THIS IS ROBBERY! THREE! DAMMIT, THE MATCH IS OVER!!!

Dennis: Your winner, via cheating, CHRRRRRRRRRRIS AAAAAAAAAUUUUUUSTIN!!!!!!

Vinegar: This is absolute garbage! Thanks to Kane White and Savage, what could have been a classic match has been ruined! I don't think Jensen or Austin wanted the match to end like this!

Hanson: But it has and the record books will give Chris Austin the victory. And at the end of the day, that's the most important thing.

Vinegar: That depends on your perspective.

[The Crimson Ghost!]

The camera shows Cara Costello sitting lazily in Declan Prescott's desk chair. the GIW owner is nowhere to be seen. Suddenly, there is a knock at the door.

Cara: Who is it?

: The coolest guy ever.

Cara: Steve Urkel?!

The door opens and Kane White enters the room. Cara sighs with disappointment.

White: Who's Steve Urkel?

Cara: Never mind. Now what do you want?

White: Why the frosty reception?

Cara: One, you're Kane White. Two, you just helped Chris Austin win a match.

White: Oh right, you two are having a lover's tiff right now.

Cara: DON'T EVER SAY THAT!

White: Jeez, relax. Look, where's Declan?

Cara: He's making his way to the ring, right now. He's a guest commentator, you know?

White: And he didn't invite you along?

Cara: He was afraid I might get hurt.

White: So it's going to be one of those matches, huh?

Cara: I don't know what you're talking about. Now what exactly did you come here for?!

White: I was wondering if Declan had any leads as to who attacked Hard and Garland.

Cara: He has bigger things to worry about.

White: What's that supposed to mean?!

Cara: Well, I'm not saying you don't.

Cara points to the doorway. White looks down the hall, to see Sean Jensen charging full speed towards him.

White: Oh fuc -

The camera cuts back to the arena, as Declan Prescott is taking a seat between Nicholas Vinegar and Daniel Hanson.

Hanson: The man himself has arrived. How are you going, Declan?

Declan: I'm excellent, Dan Dawg, thanks for asking. I'm super excited to see Brandon Brown take the worst beating since... Well, since last week! Ha!

Hanson: Haha! Nick, isn't Declan the greatest?

Vinegar: If being egotistical, totally obnoxious and completely self-absorbed make you great, then yeah, Declan is the greatest guy I know.

Declan: That's Mr. Prescott to you. And if you keep up with the name calling I might just have to self-absorb your pay cheque!

Hanson: Burn unit!!

The arena turns dark and several haunting musical notes begin playing. As the lights return, Deathman is kneeling in the centre of the ring. He is greeted by unanimous boos.

Dennis: The following match is a fatal four way bout! Introducing first, from The Dark and weighing in at 370 pounds, the General of Destruction... LOOOOOOORRRRRRRRRRRRD DEATHMAAAAAAAAAAAN!!!!!!

Declan: Jeez, this guy is out there. You know I had to visit his castle to get him to sign a contract?

Hanson: O RLY?!

Declan: Nah, I faxed it to him.

Aragato's theme begins playing and the fans burst into a mixture of boos and cheers. He emerges on the stage and begins steadily moving toward the ring.

Dennis: And the opponent, from Kyoto, Japan and weighing in at 215 pounds, Mr. Deathmatch... ARAGAAAAAAAAAAAATO!!!!

Declan: I like this guy. He can be pretty difficult to understand, but he's the toughest and most dedicated fighter I know... Besides myself, of course.

Hanson: I totally agree, Declan. Aragato is one bad dude. In a good way!

Declan and Hanson high five.

Vinegar: I'm sure it has nothing to do with the fact that he's helped you in matches on several occasions.

Declan: Right you are, brother.

Vinegar: Oh jeez...

Aragato enters the ring, as "For Whom The Bell Tolls" blasts throughout the arena. The fans react in a chorus of hammering boos. Aesc The Dark emerges on the stage, taking no notice of the fans. He begins confidently marching down the ramp.

Dennis: And the opponent, from Parts Unknown and weighing in at 300 pounds, The Black Minister, The Lord Of Darkness... AAAAAAAAAAAEEEEESC THE DAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRK!!!!

Hanson: So Declan, what do you think about Aesc?

Declan: The guy is a delusional freak show. All he ever does is talk, but when it comes time to put up, he never comes through.

Vinegar: That sounds an awfully lot like someone at this table.

Declan: That's it! From now on you're car pooling with Skinny and Obese Tony!!

Vinegar: Oh God...

Aesc The Dark, makes his way into the ring and stares intensely at his two hated opponents. Without warning, "Kickstart My Heart" smashes into play. The fans erupt into cheers, as Brandon Brown appears on the stage, the Global Heavyweight Championship strapped tightly around his waist.

Dennis: And the opponent, from Albion, Indiana and weighing 190 pounds, the GLOBAL HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPION... BRRRRRRRRRANDON BRRRRRRRRRRROWN!!!!

Vinegar: Here comes the Champ himself and these fans are loving his presence!

Declan: These fans are ignorant, Vinegar. The fact they cheer for a guy like Brown is pathetic. At No Holds Barred, I intend to show them all what real talent looks like!

Vinegar: By getting your ass whipped by Brandon?

Declan: And your sharing motel rooms with Chris Austin!!

Vinegar: I feel so violated...

Hanson: You need to respect the boss, Nick. He owns you!

Vinegar: Well meanwhile, Brown has entered the ring and handed the Title belt to Glenn Burke. The bell has rung and this match is underway! Aesc, Aragato and Lord Deathman are all staring intently at the Global Champion.

Declan: Indeed they are.

Vinegar: What did you do?!

Declan: I made it worth their while to work together... Against Brown.

Vinegar: Dammit, that isn't right!

Hanson: What'd you offer them, Declan?

Declan: I told them they'd all get a number one contender match for the Global Title... On the condition, that Brandon Brown gets beaten to a bloody pulp in this match.

Vinegar: You're pathetic!

Hanson: You're brilliant!!

Vinegar: Dammit, Aragato has Brown in a full nelson, while Deathman and Aesc begin pummelling the Champ with a barrage of rights and lefts! This is nothing, but a beat down! Truly disgraceful!

Declan: And you won't find guys stronger than Aesc and Deathman. Brown must be in a lot of agony right now.

Vinegar: So he was right. You are trying to weaken him for your match at No Holds Barred!

Declan: We all play the cards we're dealt, Vinegar. Nothing more, nothing less.

Vinegar: I guess you're right and Brown is playing his cards right now! He just launched both feet into the air and connected with a kick each into the faces of Deathman and Aesc! The two giants go stumbling backwards and Brandon uses them as a launching pad to send both himself and Aragato spiralling backwards, through the ropes and crashing to the outside!! What an incredible move?!?!

Hanson: Aragato has lost his hold on Brown. Now the Champ lifts Aragato up and bashes his face into the ring steps!!

Declan: Disqualify him!

Vinegar: There are no disqualifications in this match!

Declan: What?! Who made that decision?!

Vinegar: You did!

Declan: Oh yeah...

Vinegar: Regardless, Brown's victory is short lived, as Aesc and Deathman have followed him to the outside! DOUBLE CHOKE SLAM COMING UP!! NO!! BROWN GRABS HOLD OF THE TOP ROPE WHILE HE'S BEING LIFTED IN THE AIR!! HE KICKS HIMSELF FREE AND SKINS THE CAT BACK INTO THE RING!!

Hanson: Woah, what a move?!

Declan: Don't praise him!

Hanson: Oh, right. That awesome move sucked! How's that?

Declan: On a scale of one-to-ten, I give you a McSkinny.

Hanson: Sometimes your words hurt, Declan!

Vinegar: Can we focus on the match?! Aesc and Deathman both climb onto the apron, BUT BROWN BLASTS AESC WITH A SUPERKICK!!! THE BLACK MINISTER JUST WENT TUMBLING LIFELESSLY TO THE OUTSIDE!!!

Hanson: But meanwhile, Deathman is back in the ring! OH NO!!

Vinegar: BROWN LEVELS DEATHMAN WITH A SUPERKICK TOO!!!

Declan: This isn't supposed to happen!!

Hanson: Ha! But Aragato grabs Brown's legs and drags him to the outside! Brown hits the floor spine first! Ouch!

Declan: Aragato isn't done yet, though. He's searching under the ring for a weapon. It's a good thing I made this match no disqualifications.

Vinegar: Oh please...

Hanson: HE'S GOT A... KENDO STICK?!?!?!

Vinegar: SMASH!! ARAGATO JUST SNAPPED THAT KENDO STICK IN TWO RIGHT OVER BROWN'S HEAD! THE GLOBAL CHAMPION IS BLEEDING FROM THE FOREHEAD NOW!!!

Declan: That Aragato is a damn fine man, if I do say so.

Hanson: You can say whatever you want! You're the boss!

Declan: Hey, you're right. Doodle! Boobs! Janglies! Ha!

Vinegar: Back to the match, now! Aragato has dragged Brown to his feet and rolled him back into the ring. Now Aragato is looking under the ring again. THIS TIME HE'S FOUND A TRASH CAN!!

Hanson: Not just any trash can! A trash can full of weapons! There's a steel pipe, a baseball bat a bag of something and all sorts of goodies!

Declan: Aragato is much more hardcore than Chris Austin!

Vinegar: And now he tosses that garbage can into the ring, littering the canvas with it's contents. This is not looking good for Brandon Brown.

Declan: Which is why it's looking so great!

Vinegar: That's your opinion. Anyway, now Aragato is in the ring and has taken hold of the trash can. He's wedging it in the corner, between the second and top ropes!

Hanson: He's got something bad planned, here!

Vinegar: But Brown is somehow to his feet! HE LAUNCHES AT ARAGATO WITH THE SUPERKICK! NO! MR. DEATHMATCH SIDESTEPS THE ATTACK AND BROWN'S FOOT GOES SMASHING INTO THE TRASH CAN!!!

Hanson: That had to hurt!

Vinegar: And Aragato follows up by leaping onto the second rope and coming back with a springboard DDT!! Brown has been levelled here!!

Hanson: And now Aragato is leaving the ring and searching under it a third time. He doesn't seem to want to end the match!

Declan: He can't. Not until he's fulfilled his end of the deal.

Hanson: I get it! Brilliant!

Vinegar: He's attaching that harness of kendo sticks to himself and entering the ring once more! Brown is to his feet, but still dazed! ARAGATO BEGINS BLASTING HIM WITH THE 21 DEATHS! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BROWN IS ON HIS KNEES AND BEING DECIMATED WITH THESE SHOTS TO THE FACE!! AND NOW ARAGATO HAS THE FINAL KENDO STICK! SMASH!!!!!!!!!!!! HE JUST OBLITERATED BRANDON BROWN!!!!!

Hanson: That was insane! Brown's face is now covered in blood and he's totally unconscious! Aragato takes off the empty harness and makes the cover!

Declan: And this one is over already. One! Two! Thre - WHAT?!?!?!

Vinegar: MY GOD! DEATHMAN JUST PULLED ARAGATO AWAY FROM BROWN!!

Declan: WHAT'S THAT IDIOT DOING?!

Vinegar: He's yelling at Aragato, saying that he, Deathman, wants the pinfall! Aragato isn't having any of it! He hits a jumping roundhouse into Deathman! NO! Deathman ducks and grabs Aragato by the head! BANG! HE JUST SMASHED MR. DEATHMATCH FACE FIRST INTO THE TRASH CAN!!!

Declan: You stupid, demented freak! This wasn't apart of the plan!

Vinegar: And now Deathman pulls Brandon Brown to his feet. Brown is completely out of it and like a rag doll in Deathman's arms. THE GENERAL OF DESTRUCTION LOOKING FOR THE GRAVEYARD EFFECT!! BANG!! HE NAILS IT IN THE MIDDLE OF THE RING!!!

Declan: Well, I guess it's not all bad. Ha!

Hanson: And now Deathman makes the cover! Brown looks like he can barely breathe, let alone kick out! ONE! TWO! THRE - OH NO!!!

Declan: ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!?!?!

Vinegar: AESC THE DARK JUST BROKE UP THE PINFALL BY SMASHING THE BASEBALL BAT INTO THE BACK OF DEATHMAN'S SKULL!! MY GOD, YOUR PLAN HAS FALLEN APART, PRESCOTT!!

Hanson: I guess Aesc wants the pinfall too! He lifts Brown up AND HITS THE SATANIC CONVERSION! JEEZ, BROWN LOOKS ALMOST DEAD!!!

Vinegar: But Aragato is back to his feet! HE JUST CLUBBED THE STEEL PIPE INTO AESC'S RIBS!!!

Hanson: And The Black Minister just went tumbling to the mat! This is just pure chaos, now!

Declan: It's not chaos, it's bullshit! These guys are letting their pride get in the way of a simple fucking plan! I can't believe this!

Vinegar: There are kids watching, Declan. Keep your language in check!

Declan: What the fuck did I say about calling me Declan?

Vinegar: Moving on! Back in the ring, Aragato is pulling Deathman up by the hair. But Deathman scores with an uppercut and sends Aragato stumbling back. And now he's looking for a belly-to-belly suplex! He nails it! Aragato has been laid out and now Deathman is grabbing that bag from the trash can. He's pouring it over the ring AND IT'S FILLED WITH THUMB TACKS!!

Hanson: It was filled with thumb tacks! Now those tacks are littered across the canvas!

Declan: I don't believe this...

Vinegar: And now Deathman has turned his attention to the recovering Aesc. He's dragging him toward those tacks! DEATHMAN LOOKING FOR THE DEATH NOTE!!!

Hanson: But Aesc slides free and counters the hold into a dragon sleeper!!

Declan: Why can't they just hurt Brandon?! Why is that so difficult?!

Vinegar: Because they all want to win this match! And now, with some inhuman strength, Deathman lifts Aesc onto his shoulder AND GUILLOTINES HIS NECK ACROSS THE TOP ROPE!!

Hanson: Aesc is struggling for air and Deathman follows up with a spine buster ONTO THE TACKS!

Vinegar: NO! AESC BREAKS FREE WITH SOME DESPERATE RIGHT FISTS INTO DEATHMAN'S FACE! AND NOW AESC WITH A CLOTHESLINE, SENDING BOTH MEN TOPPLING OVER THE TOP ROPE!!!

Hanson: Jeez, that was insane!

Vinegar: And both men are brawling their way up the ramp, but neither seem to have realised that Aragato is very much back to his feet.

Hanson: And he's noticed Brandon Brown, who still isn't moving! He's going for the pin!!

Declan: It's about time! I knew Aragato would come through for me!

Vinegar: And Mr. Deathmatch makes the cover! ONE! TWO! THRE - MY GOD!! BRANDON BROWN KICKED OUT!!!

Declan: NO FUCKING WAY! GLENN BURKE IS INCOMPETENT!!!

Hanson: How did Brown kick out?! He's taken three finishers!!

Vinegar: But he had time to recuperate! He must have been able to gather enough strength to kick out!

Hanson: Well Aragato is making the cover again! Ha! Brown won't kick out twice - ARGH!!! BROWN JUST KICKED OUT TWICE!!!

Vinegar: This is insane! The heart of Brown is unfathomable!

Hanson: And now Aragato looks angrier than usual! He's dragging Brown up by the hair and is looking to finish this contest! Come on Mr. Deathmatch! We know you can do it!!

Vinegar: He's taking Brown toward the thumb tacks, BUT BROWN WITH A KICK TO ARAGATO'S CROTCH! BRAINBUSTER ONTO THE TACKS!!!!! MY GOD, ARAGATO WAS JUST DECIMATED!!!!!

Hanson: NO WAY!

Vinegar: BUT BROWN IS TOO WEAK TO CAPITALISE WITH A PIN! BOTH MEN ARE LYING MOTIONLESS AMONGST THOSE TACKS!!!

Declan: I can't take this anymore!!

Vinegar: My God, Declan Prescott has removed his headset and is folding up his chair! He's leaving the booth with the weapon!

Hanson: But look, Nick! Aesc and Deathman are brawling up on the entrance stage. AESC JUST CHOKE SLAMMED DEATHMAN OFF THE STAGE AND INTO THE ELECTRICAL EQUIPMENT!!!

Vinegar: THAT EQUIPMENT JUST EXPLODED, WITH DEATHMAN IN THE MIDDLE OF IT!! MY GOD, HE MAY BE DEAD!!! WE NEED SOME PARAMEDICS!!!!

Hanson: And look in the ring! Aragato and Brown are both somehow getting back up!!

Vinegar: Yes they are!!! Aragato and Brandon are using the ropes to pull themselves to a vertical base! BUT DECLAN IS IN THE RING WITH THE CHAIR! DAMMIT, NO!!! HE BLASTS BROWN IN THE FACE - NO!!! BROWN DUCKS AND DECLAN LEVELS ARAGATO WITH THE WEAPON!!!

Hanson: OH NO!!! DECLAN IS HORRIFIED AT HIS ACTION!!

Vinegar: AND NOW BROWN SUPERKICKS THE CHAIR INTO THE OWNER'S FACE!!!! PRESCOTT HAS BEEN TAKEN OUT AND BROWN, WITH THE LITTLE STRENGTH HE HAS LEFT, FLOPS LIFELESSLY OVER ARAGATO!!! ONE!!! AESC IS STILL ON THE STAGE AND CAN'T BREAK THE COUNT!!! TWO!!!! BROWN HAS SOMEHOW DONE IT!!! THREE!!!!! YES!!! YES!!!! BRANDON BROWN WINS!!!!

Dennis: Your winner, via pinfall, BRRRRRRRRRRRANDON BRRRRRRRRRRRROWN!!!!!

Vinegar: BRANDON BROWN MAY NOT EVEN BE CONSCIOUS RIGHT NOW, BUT HE'S WON TONIGHT'S MAIN EVENT!!!

Hanson: But what about Deathman?! The paramedics have rushed to the scene, with fire extinguishers!!

Vinegar: But what's this? Dr. Professor is saying something into the camera!!

Dr. Professor: He's gone!! Deathman isn't here!!!

Hanson: WHAT?!

Vinegar: DEATHMAN HAS PULLED A HOUDINI AND WE'RE OUT OF TIME!!! LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, I'M NICHOLAS VINEGAR HERE WITH DANIEL HANSON, WISHING YOU A GOODNIGHT! WE HOPE YOU CAN JOIN US NEXT WEEK FOR THE MASSIVE PAY-PER-VIEW, NO HOLDS BARRED!!

Hanson: Until then, remember this: don't diss Dan Dawg!