Post by >V< on Nov 17, 2009 20:13:37 GMT -5
OOC Disclaimer: The following pointless RP contains scenes and descriptive terms of a graphic, quasi-sexual nature. There's also some comedic violence. Also, some other potentially objectionable stuff. You've been warned.
The worst part about having friends is when they expect you to do some shit for them. Shit like helping them move. In such situations, KvK charges a fee. It's nothing too excessive, in his mind. He requires that his friend(s) allow him to break something. It doesn't matter much to him what it is, but it has to be deliberately sacrificed to his irrationally destructive urges. Preferably something made out of glass or other material that shatters in a satisfying way.
KvK: "Hmmm...decisions, decisions..."
Instead of helping the others offload items of furniture and/or boxes and carry them into the house, he's standing on the ramp of the U-Haul, scanning the truck's contents carefully. The spineless Herr Zimmermann stands at the foot of the ramp, not wanting to object to his boss obstructing the path and delaying the process.
Zimmy: "Du hassn't found anyzing yet?"
KvK: "No, and it's starting to piss me off!"
As if to demonstrate that fact, he rips the strip of tape off of one of the nearby boxes, tearing open the flaps. Heh....flaps....
KvK: "Ah-HAH!!"
He raises one fist in triumph, the other diving into the box to pull out....an antique vase. A rather large and heavy one, as a matter of fact. It looks just like the kind of crappy, creepy old dusty mansion style thing you'd expect people like Malise and CaRNiVaL to own.
Zimmy: "Zat looks like ein family ahrleume..."
KvK: "Not anymore it doesn't!"
Before his hired goon can react, KvK hucks the vase violently against the front of the house. It explodes into lethal shrapnel, filling the air with the delectable sound of destruction that only shattering glass can produce. There's also an impressive cloud of dust hanging around the impact site.
KvK: "There. Now we can continue."
He hefts the open box, hopping down off the ramp and carrying it into the house. Zimmy watches him go, shaking his head sadly. He grabs one arm of a sofa, pulling it towards the back of the truck. Shucky's head pops up from behind a stack of boxes, looking shockingly non-feral for once. He moves to grab the other end of the couch, and Zimmy nods.
Zimmy: "Okay, on drei..."
Shucky nods excitedly.
Zimmy: "Eins....zwei....drei!"
His end of the couch lifts with ease, but the other remains on the deck as if welded there. Shucky's face turns bright red, his terrible teeth clenched together as he strains to lift the heavy sofa even an inch. Zimmy sighs, dropping his end before taking two steps and grabbing the couch with one hand on the back, the other at the edge of the seat. With ridiculous ease and only the most minor of grunts, he lifts the entire thing by himself, walking backwards out the back of the truck and down the ramp.
Nate: "What the...?"
The Nordic Horror pauses mid-step on his way back across the lawn to the truck. He moves out of the way, chuckling as he watches Herr Zimmermann carry this massive antique couch with Shucky still hanging off of one arm rest, kicking his feet and gnashing his teeth wildly. Zimmy whistles some tune, drowning out Shucky's snarls and growls. Nate shakes his head slowly, stepping up into the truck and selecting another box.
KvK: "The fuck are the women?"
Nate jolts, somehow managing not to drop the box, not having heard his mentor come up the ramp. KvK grabs another box from the stack.
Nate: "I think they're holed up in the bedroom, setting up the love dungeon or some shit. Probably clucking away like crazy while they do it, too."
KvK: "Yeah, I can't even imagine the kinda 'girl talk' that goes on in that hen party..."
Nate chuckles nervously, turning to head back down the ramp.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Of course, the best part about helping people move (aside from getting to intentionally break some of their stuff) is the inevitable housewarming party. Thankfully, in the midst of all the unpacking and other drudgery of moving day, someone had the forethought to go on a booze run. The shindig is in full swing, and everyone's getting pretty well shit-faced. Or, as Raenius would say, 'rat-arsed.' That fucking Mick sure does have some crazy euphemisms, , doesn't he?
Tarja: "Well, okay..."
Nate's Scandinavian beer wench/manager (and, so he insists, nothing more,) is quite sloshed. She smiles shyly, setting her drink aside as (allegedly) Matt Damon looks on. With one quick motion, she lifts her shirt and bra, exposing her almost impossibly nice funbags. Shhh...everyone shut the fuck up, don't scare em off! Good heavens, I mean....I had a mental image of what I thought they'd look like, but....wow. I had no idea the real things would put my imagination to shame like that.
(Allegedly) Kobe Bryant: "Daaaamn, white girl! Lemmie holla..."
That's enough to scare her out of her star-struck, drunken trance, and she quickly tucks the girls back away. Aw, fuck....nice going, asshole. If you'd have played it cool, we coulda maybe dipped em in lime juice and salt, and done some Tequila shots!
KvK: "What did I miss out on now?!"
As if drawn by some kind of boobie-focused sixth sense, KvK comes charging around the corner into the kitchen. A beer in each hand, he frantically looks around at the people in the room, sensing the awkward silence that follows a badly-timed flashing.
Tarja: "Nothing..."
She snatches up her drink and pushes past KvK. Great, just great. Way to fuck it up for everybody, pal.
KvK: "Did she make out with that chick over there, or something?"
Hell, I wish! Naw, she got her tits out...and they were incredible.
KvK: "Aw, fuck! Why didn't you yell for me?"
I knew it'd scare them back into hiding. Then that jackass went and scared em off anyway. I fuckin hate that guy!
(Allegedly) Matt Damon: "Matt Damon!"
KvK: "I don't even know who invited those guys."
(Allegedly) Kobe Bryant: "Who the fuck are you talking to, honkie?"
At that moment, the doorbell rings. Malise sips her Mango Daiquiri as she strolls to the door and whips it open. Great, more deranged, uninvited jackasses to destroy her brand-new house.
El Mucho Gordo: "Eye yam heer for la fiesta, senorita!"
A fucking terrible excuse for a fake Luchadore, El Phantasmo's mortal enemy wobbles unsteadily as he holds out a torn-open box of Corona Extra, with several empty bottles inside.
El Mucho Gordo: "I brought dees cervezas, but I dranks dem..."
Malise: "What the fuck am I gonna do with an empty case of piss water?
A voice floats in from the kitchen...
KvK: "You're too much of a little bitch to drink beer anyway! Goddamn fruity drink-guzzling..."
His voice trails off as Malise ignores his extremely rude and uncalled-for insult, still glaring at El Mucho Gordo accusingly.
Malise: "You bring me trash as a housewarming gift?!"
The thoroughly inebriated insult to Mexican culture releases the box when Malise makes no attempt to take it from him. She sighs as the empty glass bottles inside shatter on the porch.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Later on, KvK is reclined on the couch, a fresh beer in hand, and his wife in his lap. He sighs, running his fingers through her hair.
KvK: "I dunno what's goin' on. I guess she showed those guys her tits, and Nate got all pissed off about it. I really think they're fucking..."
Nicole: "Why are you so obsessed with their relationship?"
She scratches an itch on her face as her husband takes a big drink of his beer.
KvK: "I don't give a fuck about their 'relationship' I just want to know if he's giving her the 'D' or not."
Nicole: "What business is it of yours?"
KvK: "It goes against Man Law! You're supposed to brag about your conquests to your buddies."
The missus scoffs before taking a sip of her mixed drink. I dunno what's in it, some kinda vodka. Looks tasty.
Nicole: "Since when are you Nate's buddy?"
KvK opens his mouth, then closes it with a snap. Oooh, she sure burned you with that one!
Malise: "Hey Klaus, I think your boy's in the bathroom, getting head from his chick."
The maliciously malevolent mistress of mayhem (whew!)muttered that while strolling casually by behind the couch. KvK's free hand shoots out and grasps her wrist, as he cranes his neck back to look up at her.
KvK: "What?!"
Malise: "I said Tarja's giving what's-his-name a blowjob."
KvK: "How do you know?"
Malise: "Well, I saw them go in together, and thought they were gonna argue about her showing off her tits before. So I listened at the door, and heard....sounds..."
KvK: "Sounds? What kinda sounds?"
Malise: "The kinda sounds a guy makes when he's getting his dick sucked. You gonna let go of my wrist?"
He obliges, but still looks at Malise curiously.
KvK: "How can you tell from the sound? Come on, that's ridiculous."
Nicole: "No, that's pretty true. You guys all sound the same when you're getting head..."
KvK looks at his wife, then back at Malaise, both women nod, chuckling at the predictable nature of men.
KvK: "Well, I gotta know for sure..."
He gulps down the last of his beer and pushes his wife off his lap, dropping the empty bottle as he darts towads the hallway that leads to the bathroom.
Voice from within: "Unhhh!"
KvK: "Holy shit, she was right!"
Lowering a shoulder and charging without even trying the knob, KvK smashes the door open like a linebacker. He hits an invisible wall, recoiling in horror at the smell. It's making my eyes water!
El Mucho Gordo: "Madre de dios! Don't you knock?!"
The masked man is sitting on the toilet with his pants around his ankles. Horrible sounds emanate from within the bowl as he hangs his head.
KvK: "Oh, sick!"
No kidding! Montezuma's revenge mixed with cheap beer, ugh. Fuck, they might have to buy a new crapper...
KvK: "You see anybody come out of here earlier?"
El Mucho Gordo doesn't look up, concentrating on staring at the floor tiles. The terrible sounds coming from within the bowl intensify momentarily.
El Mucho Gordo: "Si....dat beeg vato with the beerd, y la mamacita..."
KvK: "Uh, muchos gracias."
He whips the door closed again, shaking his head as he heads back down the hall. He breathes through his mouth, trying to get the horrible stench out of his nostrils, but to no avail.
KvK: "Fuck, I need some oxygen!"
In a panic, he snatches up some kinda....I dunno what that thing is, and hucks it out the window, shattering the glass. Everyone around recoils in shock as he snaps out of his panic, blinking sheepishly. Suddenly, the microwave comes flying out of the kitchen, and smashes through the other side of the window, shattering that pane of glass as well.
Malise stands, arms spread, looking at KvK with wide, incredulous eyes. She puts her hands on her hips, cocking her head to the side as she stares at him like an enraged babysitter. Who the fuck threw that microwave? Seriously, that was pretty cool....good aim, too. Suddenly, there's a knock at the door. Malise turns toward the sound, about to go and see who it is.
Malise: "Oh god, who's next?"
She stops short as the door opens and, of all people, Jet Somers steps in. The nervous chatter in the room dies off, and everyone suffers through a moment of uncomfortable silence before KvK mercifully shatters that like the window.
KvK: "If you were going to come to the party, you could have at least helped with the move!"
The worst part about having friends is when they expect you to do some shit for them. Shit like helping them move. In such situations, KvK charges a fee. It's nothing too excessive, in his mind. He requires that his friend(s) allow him to break something. It doesn't matter much to him what it is, but it has to be deliberately sacrificed to his irrationally destructive urges. Preferably something made out of glass or other material that shatters in a satisfying way.
KvK: "Hmmm...decisions, decisions..."
Instead of helping the others offload items of furniture and/or boxes and carry them into the house, he's standing on the ramp of the U-Haul, scanning the truck's contents carefully. The spineless Herr Zimmermann stands at the foot of the ramp, not wanting to object to his boss obstructing the path and delaying the process.
Zimmy: "Du hassn't found anyzing yet?"
KvK: "No, and it's starting to piss me off!"
As if to demonstrate that fact, he rips the strip of tape off of one of the nearby boxes, tearing open the flaps. Heh....flaps....
KvK: "Ah-HAH!!"
He raises one fist in triumph, the other diving into the box to pull out....an antique vase. A rather large and heavy one, as a matter of fact. It looks just like the kind of crappy, creepy old dusty mansion style thing you'd expect people like Malise and CaRNiVaL to own.
Zimmy: "Zat looks like ein family ahrleume..."
KvK: "Not anymore it doesn't!"
Before his hired goon can react, KvK hucks the vase violently against the front of the house. It explodes into lethal shrapnel, filling the air with the delectable sound of destruction that only shattering glass can produce. There's also an impressive cloud of dust hanging around the impact site.
KvK: "There. Now we can continue."
He hefts the open box, hopping down off the ramp and carrying it into the house. Zimmy watches him go, shaking his head sadly. He grabs one arm of a sofa, pulling it towards the back of the truck. Shucky's head pops up from behind a stack of boxes, looking shockingly non-feral for once. He moves to grab the other end of the couch, and Zimmy nods.
Zimmy: "Okay, on drei..."
Shucky nods excitedly.
Zimmy: "Eins....zwei....drei!"
His end of the couch lifts with ease, but the other remains on the deck as if welded there. Shucky's face turns bright red, his terrible teeth clenched together as he strains to lift the heavy sofa even an inch. Zimmy sighs, dropping his end before taking two steps and grabbing the couch with one hand on the back, the other at the edge of the seat. With ridiculous ease and only the most minor of grunts, he lifts the entire thing by himself, walking backwards out the back of the truck and down the ramp.
Nate: "What the...?"
The Nordic Horror pauses mid-step on his way back across the lawn to the truck. He moves out of the way, chuckling as he watches Herr Zimmermann carry this massive antique couch with Shucky still hanging off of one arm rest, kicking his feet and gnashing his teeth wildly. Zimmy whistles some tune, drowning out Shucky's snarls and growls. Nate shakes his head slowly, stepping up into the truck and selecting another box.
KvK: "The fuck are the women?"
Nate jolts, somehow managing not to drop the box, not having heard his mentor come up the ramp. KvK grabs another box from the stack.
Nate: "I think they're holed up in the bedroom, setting up the love dungeon or some shit. Probably clucking away like crazy while they do it, too."
KvK: "Yeah, I can't even imagine the kinda 'girl talk' that goes on in that hen party..."
Nate chuckles nervously, turning to head back down the ramp.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Of course, the best part about helping people move (aside from getting to intentionally break some of their stuff) is the inevitable housewarming party. Thankfully, in the midst of all the unpacking and other drudgery of moving day, someone had the forethought to go on a booze run. The shindig is in full swing, and everyone's getting pretty well shit-faced. Or, as Raenius would say, 'rat-arsed.' That fucking Mick sure does have some crazy euphemisms, , doesn't he?
Tarja: "Well, okay..."
Nate's Scandinavian beer wench/manager (and, so he insists, nothing more,) is quite sloshed. She smiles shyly, setting her drink aside as (allegedly) Matt Damon looks on. With one quick motion, she lifts her shirt and bra, exposing her almost impossibly nice funbags. Shhh...everyone shut the fuck up, don't scare em off! Good heavens, I mean....I had a mental image of what I thought they'd look like, but....wow. I had no idea the real things would put my imagination to shame like that.
(Allegedly) Kobe Bryant: "Daaaamn, white girl! Lemmie holla..."
That's enough to scare her out of her star-struck, drunken trance, and she quickly tucks the girls back away. Aw, fuck....nice going, asshole. If you'd have played it cool, we coulda maybe dipped em in lime juice and salt, and done some Tequila shots!
KvK: "What did I miss out on now?!"
As if drawn by some kind of boobie-focused sixth sense, KvK comes charging around the corner into the kitchen. A beer in each hand, he frantically looks around at the people in the room, sensing the awkward silence that follows a badly-timed flashing.
Tarja: "Nothing..."
She snatches up her drink and pushes past KvK. Great, just great. Way to fuck it up for everybody, pal.
KvK: "Did she make out with that chick over there, or something?"
Hell, I wish! Naw, she got her tits out...and they were incredible.
KvK: "Aw, fuck! Why didn't you yell for me?"
I knew it'd scare them back into hiding. Then that jackass went and scared em off anyway. I fuckin hate that guy!
(Allegedly) Matt Damon: "Matt Damon!"
KvK: "I don't even know who invited those guys."
(Allegedly) Kobe Bryant: "Who the fuck are you talking to, honkie?"
At that moment, the doorbell rings. Malise sips her Mango Daiquiri as she strolls to the door and whips it open. Great, more deranged, uninvited jackasses to destroy her brand-new house.
El Mucho Gordo: "Eye yam heer for la fiesta, senorita!"
A fucking terrible excuse for a fake Luchadore, El Phantasmo's mortal enemy wobbles unsteadily as he holds out a torn-open box of Corona Extra, with several empty bottles inside.
El Mucho Gordo: "I brought dees cervezas, but I dranks dem..."
Malise: "What the fuck am I gonna do with an empty case of piss water?
A voice floats in from the kitchen...
KvK: "You're too much of a little bitch to drink beer anyway! Goddamn fruity drink-guzzling..."
His voice trails off as Malise ignores his extremely rude and uncalled-for insult, still glaring at El Mucho Gordo accusingly.
Malise: "You bring me trash as a housewarming gift?!"
The thoroughly inebriated insult to Mexican culture releases the box when Malise makes no attempt to take it from him. She sighs as the empty glass bottles inside shatter on the porch.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Later on, KvK is reclined on the couch, a fresh beer in hand, and his wife in his lap. He sighs, running his fingers through her hair.
KvK: "I dunno what's goin' on. I guess she showed those guys her tits, and Nate got all pissed off about it. I really think they're fucking..."
Nicole: "Why are you so obsessed with their relationship?"
She scratches an itch on her face as her husband takes a big drink of his beer.
KvK: "I don't give a fuck about their 'relationship' I just want to know if he's giving her the 'D' or not."
Nicole: "What business is it of yours?"
KvK: "It goes against Man Law! You're supposed to brag about your conquests to your buddies."
The missus scoffs before taking a sip of her mixed drink. I dunno what's in it, some kinda vodka. Looks tasty.
Nicole: "Since when are you Nate's buddy?"
KvK opens his mouth, then closes it with a snap. Oooh, she sure burned you with that one!
Malise: "Hey Klaus, I think your boy's in the bathroom, getting head from his chick."
The maliciously malevolent mistress of mayhem (whew!)muttered that while strolling casually by behind the couch. KvK's free hand shoots out and grasps her wrist, as he cranes his neck back to look up at her.
KvK: "What?!"
Malise: "I said Tarja's giving what's-his-name a blowjob."
KvK: "How do you know?"
Malise: "Well, I saw them go in together, and thought they were gonna argue about her showing off her tits before. So I listened at the door, and heard....sounds..."
KvK: "Sounds? What kinda sounds?"
Malise: "The kinda sounds a guy makes when he's getting his dick sucked. You gonna let go of my wrist?"
He obliges, but still looks at Malise curiously.
KvK: "How can you tell from the sound? Come on, that's ridiculous."
Nicole: "No, that's pretty true. You guys all sound the same when you're getting head..."
KvK looks at his wife, then back at Malaise, both women nod, chuckling at the predictable nature of men.
KvK: "Well, I gotta know for sure..."
He gulps down the last of his beer and pushes his wife off his lap, dropping the empty bottle as he darts towads the hallway that leads to the bathroom.
Voice from within: "Unhhh!"
KvK: "Holy shit, she was right!"
Lowering a shoulder and charging without even trying the knob, KvK smashes the door open like a linebacker. He hits an invisible wall, recoiling in horror at the smell. It's making my eyes water!
El Mucho Gordo: "Madre de dios! Don't you knock?!"
The masked man is sitting on the toilet with his pants around his ankles. Horrible sounds emanate from within the bowl as he hangs his head.
KvK: "Oh, sick!"
No kidding! Montezuma's revenge mixed with cheap beer, ugh. Fuck, they might have to buy a new crapper...
KvK: "You see anybody come out of here earlier?"
El Mucho Gordo doesn't look up, concentrating on staring at the floor tiles. The terrible sounds coming from within the bowl intensify momentarily.
El Mucho Gordo: "Si....dat beeg vato with the beerd, y la mamacita..."
KvK: "Uh, muchos gracias."
He whips the door closed again, shaking his head as he heads back down the hall. He breathes through his mouth, trying to get the horrible stench out of his nostrils, but to no avail.
KvK: "Fuck, I need some oxygen!"
In a panic, he snatches up some kinda....I dunno what that thing is, and hucks it out the window, shattering the glass. Everyone around recoils in shock as he snaps out of his panic, blinking sheepishly. Suddenly, the microwave comes flying out of the kitchen, and smashes through the other side of the window, shattering that pane of glass as well.
Malise stands, arms spread, looking at KvK with wide, incredulous eyes. She puts her hands on her hips, cocking her head to the side as she stares at him like an enraged babysitter. Who the fuck threw that microwave? Seriously, that was pretty cool....good aim, too. Suddenly, there's a knock at the door. Malise turns toward the sound, about to go and see who it is.
Malise: "Oh god, who's next?"
She stops short as the door opens and, of all people, Jet Somers steps in. The nervous chatter in the room dies off, and everyone suffers through a moment of uncomfortable silence before KvK mercifully shatters that like the window.
KvK: "If you were going to come to the party, you could have at least helped with the move!"
