In Your Hands '08

[Red Bull Icon]

Vinegar: Ladies and Gentlemen we are Live from LAS VEGAS!!!! Welcome to Global Impact Wrestling's first Interactive Pay Per View…In Your Hands!

Hanson: You don’t wanna know what’s been in my hands since we got here…

Vinegar: Yo Momma?

Hanson: …

Vinegar: Whilst my colleague tries to regain his composure, we here at Global Impact Wrestling would like to remind you that your votes made this PPV. You, the viewers around the globe, have chosen four different match stipulations, a Guest Referee, the Women’s Championship contender AND the third member of tonight’s Triple Threat Main Event for the Global Heavyweight Title…

Hanson: So in short, if tonight sucks, it’s your own faults! If you voted that conceited fame hound Travis Roberts into the main event, it’ll be on your heads when he stinks up the entire show! We won’t be giving you any refunds!

Vinegar: You still rooting for Dylan James?

Hanson: Who in their right mind wouldn’t be? I mean the man started GIW’s first ever Revolution!

Vinegar: Some may argue that it was actu…

Hanson: I don’t care what people say, Dylan James is a leader of men, a role model, and a figure of discipline and decisiveness…

Vinegar: So if he wins the vote, you think Dylan James will be the next Global Heavyweight Champion?

Hanson: Shit no! Lord, Deathman will destroy him…hell he’ll beat anyone that wins that vote….

“Somewhere I Belong” cuts off Hanson mid sentence, and Aaron Kizz and his Bodyguard Prototype appear onstage. The fans give them a warm reception.

Dennis: Introducing the first of Four Competitors for tonight’s first match, hailing from New Orleans, currently residing in Sacramento California, his is ‘The Future’, AAARON KIIIIIIIZ!

Vinegar: So Aaron Kizz starts his walk to the ring, and he still has no idea what match he is preparing for…

Hanson: It doesn’t matter what type of match it is, Sean Jensen will rule all!

Vinegar: Well he’s gonna find out whether it’s gonna be a Fifteen Minute Countdown, an Elimination Fatal Fourway or the new Restricted Destruction match… here's the result on the Globatron now...

Dennis: The Following match up will be a RESTRICTED DESTRUCTION MATCH!!!

Vinegar: Listen to the fans, they don’t even know what type of match that is, but they like the sound of it.

Dennis: The rules of the Restricted Destruction Match will be disclosed once all four competitors have entered the ring.

“Remember the Name” Starts to play on the stadium PA, and Alex Mason appears on the runway. He looks out to the crowd, who give him a large cheer, he acknowledges them all, changes the direction of his cap peak and makes his way to the ring.

Dennis: Also hailing from New Orleans, currently residing in Dallas, Texas, the second competitor, ALEX “CHAAAAAAANCE” MAAAAASON!

Vinegar: Chance picked up a dominating win on last week’s Sentinel and must fancy his chances tonight…

Hanson: But we still don’t know the rules Vinegar, so my money is still on Jensen…

“Knights of Cydonia”s opening chords fill the arena, and Levi Witham appears on the stage, the fans give him a warm welcome as he makes his way to the ring…

Dennis: The next entrant, hailing from Sacramento, currently residing in Salt Lake City, Utah, he is LEVIIIIIII WITHAAAAAAAM!

Vinegar: It seems like the odds are stacked against Jensen here tonight…each one of his opponents wants to hurt him…he could be trouble

Hanson: Pfft! Trouble is Jensen’s middle name, he laughs in the face of adversity, and flips danger the bird whilst curb stomping death!

Vinegar: I think you’ll find his full birth name is Sean Meredith Jensen…I have access to the personnel files…

Hanson: Your trying to tell me he has a female middle name?

Vinegar: Why would I make it up? It explains a lot though, especially why he can be such a big pussy…

“Sad But True” Hits and ‘The Mad Hatter of Violence’ appears on the stage, the fans universally boo him, and his Bodyguard Nathaniel Gregory…

Vinegar: Something has puzzled me for some time…

Hanson: How to work ya doodle?

Vinegar: No, guys like Jensen and Kizz…they are professional wrestlers, why do they need Bodyguards? I just don’t understand the logic, it’s like getting a job in a bank and employing someone to do the maths for you…

Dennis: Introducing finally, accompanied by his bodyguard, Nathaniel Gregory, hailing from Sacramento, California…SEAN JENSEN!

Sean climbs into the ring, climbs the turnbuckle and raises his arms in the air.

Dennis: Before the match can proceed I am obliged to explain the rules of RESTRICTED DESTRUCTION!

The fans give out the largest cheer of the night so far.

Dennis: In this match there will be No Disqualifications, No Count Out’s…The Only restriction is who can pin whom. Chance and Sean Jensen…you can only win the match by gaining the fall on the other…Levi Witham and Aaron Kizz, you can only score the fall on one of each other…Do you understand?

Hanson: So Sean can only win by pinning Chance? But Kizz and Levi cannot pin Sean?

Vinegar: That’s right…it seems the guys in the ring understand and Sean has quickly approached Levi, and seems to be talking intensely with him…

Hanson: He’s got a plan, if these guys watch out for each other, they can’t lose, and they are brothers after all…

Vinegar: And it seems Levi has reluctantly agreed…that may have been wise under the circumstances…Chance and Kizz are just smiling on the other side of the ring, waiting for the match to get under way. And the bell rings, and both men charge towards Jensen and Witham…who both slide out of the ring…

Hanson: Good tactics immediately there, and they are both looking for weapons under the ring…

Vinegar: I hope there isn’t the varied range of weapons ringside we saw at Guerrilla Warfare.

Hanson: It doesn’t seem that way, both of them have the traditional steel chair in their hands…

Vinegar: But neither Jensen nor Witham was paying attention to the other guys in the match, and Kizz and Chance both vault over the top rope! Kizz hits Levi with a flying body press, and Chance hits a Missile Dropkick and plants the chair into Jensen’s face!

Hanson: But Gregory is there quickly enough and levels Chance with a strong clothesline…

Vinegar: Kizz is choking Levi out with the sole of his boot, and motions to Prototype to go and take care of Gregory, he does precisely that and approaches Nathaniel from behind and hits him with a swinging neck breaker…

Hanson: But Jensen is up, and he’s stomping away at Chance, who is still on the floor following that monstrous clothesline from Sean’s Bodyguard.

Vinegar: Kizz has lifted Levi onto his right shoulder…and hits a Running Power slam onto the arena floor…

Hanson: Jensen lifts Chance up and whips him into the ring post…and now he slams his head against it for good effect.

Vinegar: Kizz jumps onto the guard rail…MOONSAU…NO! Levi moves at the last moment and ‘The Future’ gets nothing but floor…

Hanson: Chance reverses Jensen who is trying to send him into the guard rail, and instead ‘The Mad Hatter of UltraViolence’ slams into the only thing that separates the fans from the action, and Chance runs at him full speed and smashes him with a flying forearm…

Vinegar: Levi has got hold of the Chair again…Kizz gets to his feet…and is met by the sight of young Levi Witham swinging metal at his face! Direct hit on Kizz who goes down on the outside…

Hanson: Chance has gained momentum on Jensen, and now sends Sean into the steel ring post…and reciprocates Sean’s earlier face smashing…

Vinegar: Levi takes Kizz by the feet, but the Future kicks him backwards and nips up onto his own feet, and within a second hits a fantastic super kick on the stumbling Levi…who almost does a back flip whilst falling to the floor….

Hanson: Chance rolls Jensen into the ring…and climbs to the top rope…STAGE FRIGHT!!!...he hits it…1….2…NO!

Vinegar: Jensen got his shoulder up at the last moment...and Kizz sees he nearly lost this match without being pinned…that’s the problem, you gotta focus on one guy, but can’t take your eyes off the others…so he rolls Levi into the ring and follows in himself…

Hanson: Chance pulls Jensen to his feet, and whips him into the ropes, and hits him with a dropkick…

Vinegar: Aaron Kizz pulls Levi to his feet, and throws a right hand at him, but Levi Dodges, hits Kizz with a knee to the chest….LDW!!!...Aaron Kizz goes to the floor…

Hanson: Jensen is still down, Chance stands above him…LOW BLOW! Jensen hits Chance in the testicular territory…he gets to his feet…DDT…on Chance….But Jensen looks hurt….

Vinegar: Levi has seen his brother is hurt….Sean tells him to finish off Chance…Kizz is still down…Levi to the top rope…SHRUKIEN PRESS!!!! He hits it square on Chance…Levi turns and goes to cover Ki…

Hanson: NO!!!! Jensen kicks his brother…CALI DRIVER!!!!! He turns and cover’s Chance….

1

2

3!!!!!

Vinegar: Sean Jensen has stolen yet another victory, and this time he screwed his brother over again to claim it…

Hanson: I told you! I told you Jensen would win!

Sean Jensen: 4
Alex Mason: 2
Aaron Kizz: -1
Levi Witham: -2

[Red Bull Icon]

Chinatsu Chen is backstage in the GIW arena, she’s currently talking into the arena payphone its unknown who’s on the other end of the line but as always Chinatsu seems to be in a good mood. Eventually hanging the phone up she steps back and turns around bumping into Gabrielle who drops her nail file which clatters onto the hard floor.

Chinatsu(In English): Oh, clumsy of me! Name's Chinatsu, I love your matches!

Chinatsu extends her hand In Greeting whilst Gabrielle just stares back at her obviously quite annoyed. Chinatsu doesn't notice.

Gabrielle: Why don’t you watch where you’re going?

Chinatsu: Very sorry, Miss Montgomery. I'm probably the clumsiest wrestler in this Continent!

Chinatsu laughs at her own joke, Gabrielle just glares daggers.

Gabrielle: Yes you should watch out, you never know who you could bump into even a Diamond Princess. Why don’t you be a dear about it and pick that up for me……..

Gabrielle points down at her nail file smirking at Chinatsu hoping to get a rise out of her.

Gabrielle:………See unlike you I know a thing or two about beauty, I take the time to take care of myself, maybe you’d like a few pointers.

Chinatsu reaches down at the nail file picking it up and handing it over to Gabrielle who seems oddly let down by the helpful action. Following Which Gabrielle’s beautiful features turn to a scowl. Chinatsu just smirks at the scowl.

Gabrielle: You know Chinatsu I’m really above doing my own nails like this, I usually leave it to someone else but for today you could do them if you want.

Gabrielle extends her hand palm down out to Chinatsu motioning for her to file her fingernails.

Gabrielle: Be gentle, you wouldn’t want to hurt me………….would you?

Chinatsu raises a brow, and looks really amused at the offer.

Chinatsu: Ah, Gabrielle, I'm afraid you mistake me for a Vietnamese; it was nice meeting you though.

Gabrielle brushes her hair out of her face before looking down momentarily before slapping Chinatsu hard across the face. Stunned Chinatsu stumbles back before lunging at Gabrielle the two beauties lock up with Chinatsu Chen placing her elbow and forearm against Gabrielle's throat, places a leg behind Gabrielle's legs, and tripping her caramel skinned adversary to the floor and mounting her trying to land some shots in but Gabrielle rolls her over and hits a hard forearm to Chens face. Then getting to her feet Gabrielle quickly adjusts her hair as Chinatsu kips up to her feet. Gabrielle again slaps Chinatsu before she is pushed back on top of a table where Chinatsu tries to come at her with several stiff shots, Gabrielle lying on her back tries to block most of the shots. Gabrielle pushes Chinatsu back off her getting to her feet only to be Judo flipped with a Harai goshi from the Chen family member. Gabrielle looks up at Chinatsu a shocked look on her face as rubs her sore arse. Chinatsu smiles and winks, giving the 'V for Victory' sign.

Chinatsu: So sorry if I hurt your ass, Princess. But you should know to always know you can win a fight before starting one.

Gabrielle gets back up to her feet the two women locking eyes, look set to go at it again before several backstage employees’ coming to break it up.

Vinegar: That’s right folks, the GIW is the only place you will see that kind of action.

Hanson: Yeah right here, but ladies I’m always willing to let you look down there for your action.

Vinegar: Daniel you disgust me.

Hanson: Nick, you bore me. Lets shoot it back to the ring.

Dennis: Ladies and Gentlemen the votes are in, and the tallies are being counted. Tonight you will decide if you want a First Blood Match. Tonight you decided if you wanted to witness an I Quit Match. Tonight you…

Vinegar: Uncharacteristic pause by the announcer here folks.

Hanson: Yeah what the hell. Dennis checking over a cheat sheet now, and I bet ya the truck is sending some pretty strong words into that ear piece of his.

Vinegar: Well folks the third option was for a Tables Match.

Dennis: Savage? Joka and Great White? Screw this. Folks the GIW prides itself on being the most cutting edge, the most innovative, the most legit federation around. For all those in attendance the GIW encourages you to take a break. Use the rest room, refill your drinks, save your energy for what is a stacked card, or if you insist enjoy the match. If that’s possible.

Me, I’m going to waste my time announcing the entrances of the quote unquote competitors of the next match. Really a Nazi who doesn’t have the sack to face a clown, and his retard brother. Folks I’ll race you to the concessions stand.

Hanson: Savage, Joka, and Great White? Are still on the payroll?

Vinegar: I guess they are!

Hanson: Well fuck this. I’m gonna go get some nachos. You want?

Vinegar: You know nachos sound great. Thank you.

Hanson: Don’t thank me. I left my wallet at the hotel. Give me some money.

The cameras catch the mass exodus as the fans stampede towards the numerous snack stands throughout the arena. We see Vinegar take off his headset and walk with Hanson up the ramp. As they pass under the Globatron it flickers to life trying to entertain the few people still in their seat. All four of them.

On screen a large cartoon cup rolls into view followed by a hopping bucket of popcorn and a slinking chocolate bar. The song kicks in as the snacks start dancing.

Let’s all go to the lobby. Let’s all go to the lobby. Let’s all go the lobby, and grab ourselves a __RED BULL__ Let’s all go to the lobby. Let’s all go to the lobby. Let’s all go the lobby, and grab ourselves a __RED BULL__

The song and dance continues for many minutes. Before the screen goes black.

The camera’s come back to the arena as the fans begin returning to their seats. The ring crew feverishly scurry to clean up the piles of human feces, old rotten meat, and jars of Vegemite from the canvas.

Vinegar: Wow, you know those were really good nachos.

Hanson: Yeah good, hey during the intermission I got laid. Were those nachos still good?

Vinegar: Seeing the women you tend to get, I think I’d rather have the nachos. And where’s my change?

Hanson: Well it looks like we’re about ready for the Women's Title match, let’s send it back to Dennis!

[Red Bull Icon]

The arena turns dark. Once the lights return, Misery is in the centre of the ring, clutching the GIW Women's Championship belt in her hands.

Dennis: The following contest is a lumber Jill match and it is for the GIW WOMEN'S CHAMPIONSHIP!!!! Introducing the Champion, representing Global Domination, from The Pit, The Devil Doll... MISERRRRRRRRRRRRY!!!!!

"Fake It" begins playing, being met with unanimous boos. Christina Lust makes her way onto the stage and down the ramp.

Dennis: Introducing now, from Chicago, Illinois, The Duchess Of Hardcore... CHRRRRRRRRRRRRISTINA ADAAAAAAAAAAAAAMS!!!!!!

"Haunted" begins playing, before Calypso Desmona crawls from the curtains, rises to her feet on the stage and begins heading towards the ring. The fans only boo her.

Dennis: And now, representing Global Domination, currently residing in Hartford, Connecticut, The Mistress Of Pain... CAAAAAAAAAAAAALYPSO DESMONAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!

"Envy" begins playing, the fans having a mixed reaction in response. Gabrielle Maddison Montgomery enters the arena area, twirls on the spot for the crowd, before making her way to the ring.

Dennis: And now, from the Galliano Island in the Strait of Georgia, The Diamond Princess... GABRRRRRRRRRRRRIELLE MAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAADDISON MONTGOMERRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRY!!!!!

"Why Can We Be Friends" blares into play, as the Thomas & Mack Center erupts into cheers. Brandon McSkinny leaps from the curtains, grinning from ear to ear and throwing his limbs in every direction. He races down the ramp and towards the ring.

Dennis: And... Skinny... *shudders*

Vinegar: Well, all five 'women' in the ring right now and Dennis is about to announce who the challenger will be!

Hanson: Oh it doesn't matter, they're all going to be at ringside anyway! We get to see them all, Nick! ALL of th -

Vinegar: NO WAY!!!

Hanson: THAT'S A JOKE!!!

Dennis: The winner of the vote and the... no, no, no... fuck this!

Vinegar: Dennis is leaving the ring, but his fiancé calls for the bell! This match is Skinny against Misery for the gold!!

Hanson: But the actual ladies don't look too happy about this and I can't blame them... they were dominated by Skinny in this vote!!

Gabrielle: Let's get him, ladies!!!

Vinegar: Desmona and Adams grabbing McSkinny in a full nelson, who is flailing like a fish out of water! He's trying to get free, as Misery is clenching her fists!!! This shouldn't be allowed, but East doesn't seem to be in the mood to disqualify Misery!

Hanson: And she's about to swing that right hand - HOLY FUCKING GOD IN HEAVEN!!!!!!!

Vinegar: SKINNY JUST STUCK HIS FACE OUT AND KISSED MISERY RIGHT ON THE LIPS!!!!!

Hanson: THE HUMANITY!!!!!!!!!!!

Vinegar: MISERY IS DOUBLED OVER, LOOKING LIKE SHE'S ABOUT TO VOMIT!!! AND SKINNY GETS THE ROLL UP!!!! ONE!!!! ALL THE OTHER WOMEN ARE STILL IN SHOCK! THEY CAN'T MOVE!!! TWO!!!! NO!!! PLEASE GOD, NO!!!!! THREE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Hanson: THIS HAS TO BE A NIGHTMARE!!!!!

Dennis: I... Skinny... is... he just... I don't... how...

Skinny: I'M DA NEW MAN CHAMP!!!! GIVE SKEENY HIS MAN BELT!!!!

Vinegar: Misery looks to be unconscious, Dennis is going into shock, Hanson is wiping away tears and East is handing that WOMEN'S Title to SKINNY!!! This is insane!!!

Hanson: But Gabrielle, Desmona and Adams have come to...

Vinegar: AND ALL THREE OF THEM ARE STOMPING THE HELL OUT OF THE NEW WOMEN'S CHAMPION!!! NOW THEY'RE PICKING HIM UP AND CARRYING HIM BACKSTAGE!!!! WHAT'S GOING TO HAPPEN TO SKINNY?!?!?!

Hanson: No less than what that sociopath deserves.

McSkinny: 4
Misery: -1

[Red Bull Icon]

(Aragato is seen in some fancy party, lots of Botox, fancy clothing and pearls, with a Harp playing "Green Sleeves" in the background, with no one looking at Aragato oddly, who is just crouching and gawking at the rich old people. A butler approaches, holding a tray of champagne, right eyebrow raised.)

Butler: Bubbly, sir?

Aragato: SHRUURGH?!

(Aragato takes a glass, and downs the liquid, cheeks puffed outward as he swishes the liquid, tasting it. The camera switches to a zoom-in on Aragato's face, as he clearly dislikes the liquid. The camera goes back to a shot between the two, as the Butler gets scourged with the Champagne, as he sputters and coughs, and Aragato walks out of there, muttering his nonsense.)

Voice Over: Yes, Aragato has something of a temper, alright...

(We see Aragato walking down the street, and it looks like New York with all the buildings. A bearded Vagabond approaches Aragato, with a styrofoam cup of quarters. He speaks gruffly, holding the cup out to Aragato.)

Vagabond: Hey man, spare a quarter?

Aragato: BRUUUUURGUUL?!

(Aragato takes the cup, and tilts his head back, cheeks puffing and moments later he spits out the coins into the homeless man's face, Scourging the Vagabond with nickels.)

Voice Over: It seems no one can get on his good side these days...

(We see Aragato standing in what looks like a doctor's room, looking around warily, in that half-crouch of his, wearing his pants, but no shirt. A pretty, busty nurse comes in, holding a plastic cup full of yellow liquid, and seems to be holding it at a distance. However, she smiles at Aragato, handing him the cup.)

Nurse: I'm sorry Mr. Aragato, your urine test was contaminated by the lab, and as such voiding any information we found. I'm afraid I have to ask you to repeat the test...

(We see a zoom-in of Aragato's face, as his brow raises, and we see a shot of the Nurse's eyes going wide. Moments later, we see her running from the room, crying. Her upper torso, and also her face, seems to be wet, from some kind of liquid.)

Nurse(crying): OHH, I HATE THIS JOB, I HATE THIS JOB!!!

VOICE OVER: Can nothing appease the man?

(We see Aragato pushing a cart down a Costco-type store, muttering to himself, browsing. We see a kid beside a "free samples" table, and displayed is a perfect shot of Kuwabara Orange Juice, the carton sweating a little, with miniature cups beside the delicious looking beverage. The kid stops Aragato, smiling.)

Kid: Excuse me sir, can I offer you a free sample of our fine Kuwabara-brand Orange Juice? Squeezed straight from the orange!

(Aragato takes the cup warily, looking at the kid, eyes narrowing. The music plays suspenseful notes, as they always do moments before he Scourges someone. The kid nods cheerfully, thick glasses sliding down his nose before he pushes them back up with his middle finger.)

Kid: Go on, you'll like it!

(Aragato slowly pours the Orange Juice down his mouth, and his cheeks swell. He glares down at the kid, who gulps and looks worried for the first time.)

Kid:

(He closes his eyes and braces for the Scourge, but it never comes. After a moment, we pan to Aragato, to see him swallow the liquid, and a wide smile comes across his face, looking truly out of place on him.)

Aragato: Mmmmmmm!

(We cut to the Orange Juice logo)

Voice Over: Kuwabara Orange Juice. So good, even Mr. Deathmatch approves!

(We cut to Komosube in the frozen foods aisle. He has a big package of Pizza Bagles, and is pouring them all in his mouth. His left hand is keeping the door to the freezer closed, and we can see a different kid inside, banging his fists on the glass door.)

Kid, muffled: Nooo! You can't eat them all!

Komosube: HAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!

Voice Over, sounding worried: Now, if we could just work on appeasing the Other one...

(END COMMERCIAL.)

Vinegar: Well... that was...

Hanson: Interesting?

Vinegar: Spot on.

Dennis: Ladies and gentleman! The following match is scheduled for . . .

Vinegar: What type of match will it be? Will it be Submission?

Hanson: A regular pinfall

Dennis: Knockout match!

Hanson: A knock out match, hells yeah homie!!!

Vinegar: This must be Aragato’s hands.

Hanson: Why you say that? Savana is vicious.

Vinegar: I know that, but Aragato has the twenty one deaths on his side.

Hanson: I guess that’s true. Well . . . Wait, I’m hearing the two men aren’t waiting till they're out here. Let’s go to the back where Aragato has jumped Andy!

Vinegar: So far Aragato has the upper hand as he is trying to choke out Andy by using that camera cord. You see Andy struggling to get to his feet. But, he manages to stand up, he quickly runs backwards and rams Aragato into the wall!

Hanson: That will make him let go. Andy is looking to do some damage here now, but he’s walking away! What a cow.... what!?! He has come back inside a mini cooper!.. Listen to that tiny thing rev up. Wait a minute... That’s my car! What is he doing with my car?!?!?!

Vinegar: I think we are about to find out! AS HE GUNS IT TOWARDS ARAGATO!!! BUT MR. DEATHMATCH ROLLS OUT OF THE WAY! THE CAR GOES CRASHING INTO THE WALL!!! GLASS JUST SHATTERED EVERYWHERE!!!

Hanson: My car . . . . . . . . . Andy is going to hear from my lawyer! Owen Peterson is checking on Andy. OH MY GOD! ANDY ISN’T DONE YET!!! HE JUST PUSHED OWEN AWAY! BEGGING ARAGATO FOR MORE!!!

Vinegar: Well Aragato has plenty to give. He comes racing back towards Andy. A stiff punch to Andy but, he counters back with a punch of his own. Aragato knees Andy in the stomach and lifts him up on to his shoulders in a fireman’s carry. Where is he taking him?

Hanson: Hopefully somewhere that he can end Andy Savana. After that I hope Andy loses.

Vinegar: Oh, don’t worry you have enough for another car.

Hanson: I know but . . . they're up there! In the audience!

Vinegar: Aragato carrying Andy Savana from the back out here, down from the nosebleed section. Is Andy out?

Hanson: I hope so, now Aragato can finish this quickly.

Vinegar: Wait, Andy just elbowed Aragato a couple times in the head. He is signally to the crowd to move out of the way. What is he doing? Oh no! He just pushed Aragato all the way down the steps, he just went for a trip.

Hanson: See ya next fall... Sorry couldn’t help myself.

Vinegar: Can’t you be more professional?

Hanson: I was making a funny. Lighten up.

Vinegar: Whatever, here comes Andy Savana in pursuit of Aragato as he rolls over the guard barrier. Aragato has a kendo stick! Look out Andy!

Hanson: Ouch! Right over the shoulder of Andy. That’s going to leave a mark.

Hanson: Andy just rolled over the barrier in pain. Another shot, and another shot by Aragato!

Vinegar: How is Savana going to survive this beat down?

Hanson: I hope he doesn’t! After what he did with my car. Come on Aragato finish this! He is looking for something underneath the ring . . . It's his belt of kendo sticks! YES! He’s going to finish this once and for all!!!

Vinegar: Savana! GET UP!!! Here comes the twenty one deaths! SMASH!!! Here he goes! One right after the other! Each one breaking over Savana’s head!

Hanson: It’s over now! Here comes the last blow to end this! Aragato raises the stick high above his head. WAIT! WHAT THE HELL?!?!?! UPPERCUT BY SAVANA WITH BRASS KNUCKLES ON HIS HAND!!!

Vinegar: Here comes Owen Peterson to judge the end.

Peterson: He’s out!!!!

Vinegar: Whose out? Aragato or Savana?

Hanson: Of course Savana no one withstands the twenty of twenty one deaths.

Peterson: Aragato is out!

Vinegar: SAVANA WITHSTOOD IT THERE, MY FRIEND!!!! SAVANA JUST UPPERCUT HIS WAY TO VICTORY.

Hanson: HE CHEATED!

Vinegar: Now how can you cheat in a knockout match? It’s anything goes!!

Hanson: I don’t know that, but he cheated!!! This is outrageous!

Dennis: And your winner by technical knockout. AAAAAAAANNNNNNNNNNNNNNDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDYYYYYYYYYYYY
SSSSSSSAAAAAAAAVVVVVVVVVAAAAAAAAAANNNNNNNNNNAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!

Andy Savana: 4
Aragato: 3

[Red Bull Icon]

I never thought that I'd do this...


There comes a time in a mans life where he needs to suck in his pride and step down. Now, I'm not one to suck in my pride, but this is where the road ends. I've had a decent run in GIW. Sure I didn't win any titles, but I got to hurt plenty of people. Hell, I met the love of my life, Kat, in this God forsaken train wreck of a company.

I've delved into my past, even took a look at my future, which is very bleak. There's just one thing I must do...


Declan- I guess this is where I should say thank you for allowing me to compete in your company. Yeah, the problem with that is I don't give two shits about this little fed, in fact I'll bet that it goes under when I leave. Seeing as these "fans" only pay to watch me beat the snot out of people.


Brandon Brown: You're a pussy Brandon. I challenged you to a match with the Global championship on the line, and you fucking brushed me off. Haha, you missed out on what would've been an epic encounter. But due to your pathetic, shoddy wrestling skills, you didn't grant me my wish. You see, that's fine, but I want you to admit that you were scared.

Dylan James: You insignificant little flea. Do you honestly think that you threw me out of my own faction? Are you on drugs or something? Oh, wait, my bad. You're what homosexuals call "Straight Edge". What's that mean? Oh yeah, you don't drink or do drugs. Well, let me tell you something, James. Grow a pair, wrap your hands around that bottle of Jack Daniels, and chug that fucker down. You'll thank me later, dillweed.

Aesc: Just beause you're some big, bad mother fucker doesn't mean I'm afraid of you. Hell, if you were in this room right now, I'd get right in your face and tell it like it is. Don't you have some cats to kill, big man?

Austin: You're going to have a field day when I leave, aren't you?

Levi: Fuck you, you're not even good enough for me to waste a breath on.

Alex. Fucking. Mason: I hope you're happy, I really, genuinely do. I hope you're glad that I'm going to do what I'm about to do. I also hope you enjoy being the step father of my child, who I know something about.

Kat: Baby, I still cannot believe that you did what you did, but I'm a firm believer that everything happens for a reason. Don't cry when the inevitable happens in a few moments, I just want you to be there to say goodbye when all is said and done. Kat, you know I never wanted it to end like this. I wanted to have a family, settle down, and when the kids got older, I wanted to teach them wrestling. But that never happened. I'm sorry honey, I really am. I love you more than anything, and I'm glad that I met you. Stay safe.


Aaron: Hey, if it isn't my own great grandson. You sure grew up to be a great guy. I've only just found out that we were family while I was snooping through your bag in the locker room when Nathaniel Gregory and I were sabotaging everyone in our match. Also, I'm very sorry to hear that your mother died in that accident.


Well, that's all of the important (or least important, as the case may be) people in my life. It's time to pay the piper. As I raise this weapon in the air, I will think about what could have been but never was; a happy life.


Goodbye Kat, I love you.


Sean places the barrel of the gun inside his mouth, the scene goes black and a gunshot is heard. Moments later, the following appears on-screen...

Rest in peace

Sean Jensen

1989 - 2008

Just then, we hear a phone ringing. Since no one is there to answer, the answering machine records the following message.

Kat: Sean, it's Kat. I just wanted to apologize for what I've done. It's just that... you weren't there when I needed you more than anything. I'm coming over to your house tomorrow to talk to you. I love you baby. Forever and ever. Sean Jr. says hi!

Vinegar: WHAT THE HELL?!

Hanson: Did he just...

Vinegar: Someone get some medics to Jensen's location! Ladies and gentlemen we have a real situation, here, but, at least until we know more information, the show must go on! We'll keep you updated, as we receive any news regarding Sean Jensen!

Hanson: It'd be a shame for his great win earlier tonight to go to waste...

Vinegar: Daniel, I know I've said it before, but you really do sicken me!

-

Dennis: The Next match is the Global Impact Wrestling 'Legends' Referee Match, introducing the winner of the vote….PROGDOOR!!!!!

Hanson: For Christ’s sake! Who the hell is voting for these things? 4 years old? I want a proper referee…like Ricker…

Vinegar: I heard a rumour he was dead…

Hanson: Nah, he lives and breathes my man, I heard it was a hell of a job tracking him down though….apparently he goes by a lot of different names…

“Harvester Of Sorrow” blasts forth across the stadium and Aesc The Dark appears on the stage, the fans greet him with a torrent of boos, and one even throws a dead chicken at Aesc, whom merely tilts his head and looks at the crowd in response before making his way down to the ring.

Dennis: Introducing first, hailing from Hell…apparently…he is the Henchman of Hell….he is AEEEEESC THE DAAAAAARK!

Vinegar: If anyone in GIW needs psychiatric attention it’s this guy…

Hanson: Just because he claims to be from Hell? How do you know he doesn’t, sure as hell looks like he does…

Vinegar: That isn’t what I was referring to. Anyone who voluntarily spends their time with Dylan James needs their head checked in my opinion…

“Diamond In The Rough” hits out across the arena, and the fans rise to their feet in unison and start to scream the house down, as Diamond Jack Severino appears on stage…

Dennis: And his opponent, hailing from Christchurch, New Zealand, currently residing on Galiano Island, In the Straight’s of Georgia, he is “Diamond” JAAAAAAACK SEVERINOOOOOOOO!!!!

Hanson: If he ain’t got Gabrielle on his arm this guy ain’t worth nothing…

Vinegar: Once again I disagree with you, Diamond jack functions perfectly well without his girlfriend by his side, and I’m sure he’s determined to comfort his girlfriend by getting his first PPV win here tonight.

Hanson: Are you kidding me? Aesc will send him directly to hell…

Vinegar: Both guys are in the ring now, and Progdoor is taking his duties seriously and is checking each opponent for illegal objects…

Hanson: WHAT THE HELL?!?!?! AM I SEEING DOUBLE? TWO PROGDOORS!!! LOOK!

Vinegar: It does appear there is a second dragon running down the ramp right now…Aesc cocks his head and takes a closer look at the first Progdoor….grabs him by the head…and tears it off…

Hanson: It’s Rick Ricker! He tried to steal Progdoors spot at the Pay Per View…

Vinegar: And Aesc has taken exception to the impostor and has thrown Ricker out of the ring over the top rope…Now this is getting silly…

Hanson: It’s KANE WHITE!! Rolling down the ramp in his wheelchair, after Jensen crippled his ass at No Holds Barred! Waving a stick in the air, he’s now beating Ricker up the ramp and away from the ring with said stick….

Vinegar: Maybe now that the original Progdoor is finally in the ring we can actually get down to the match…

Hanson: Seems Aesc has the same idea as you as he lunges at Severino and blasts him with a right hand that sends Diamond Jack stumbling back, Aesc with a left, which sends Severino into the turnbuckle, and Aesc drives a knee to Severino’s midsection and then tosses Severino to the canvas floor.

Vinegar: Aesc then grabs Severino by the throat and starts to choke him…Progdoor starts making the count for Aesc to break the hold….Aesc just looks at him….but Progdoor pulls him off and gives off a few Roars…Severino uses the distraction to roll up Aesc from behind…

1

2…

Hanson: NO! Aesc kicks out, but now Severino has the momentum and delivers a low angled dropkick to Aesc’s leg and takes him down, Diamond Jack quickly drops an elbow onto The Dark’s head, and then quickly climbs to the top rope…

Vinegar: BEST SENTON EVER!!! Diamond Jack nails his trademark Double Jump Imploding Senton, and goes for another cover…

1

2…

Hanson: And Aesc kicks out again, this time he climbs to his feet as Severino comes off the ropes at him and catches him mid leap…and tosses him over his back sending him back onto the canvas…Aesc then picks Diamond Jack up….CHOKELSAM! And Aesc goes for the pin again…

1

2…

Vinegar: No! Severino manages to kick out after that powerful move, but Aesc is not finished yet and whips into the ropes…

Hanson: WHAT IN CHRIST'S NAME?!?!?! IT'S RICKER….

Vinegar: And he is in Kane Whites Wheelchair, bandying that stick about whilst wearing half a Progdoor suit!!!

Hanson: Rikdoor White?

Vinegar: God only knows what he is thinking…he should probably book psyche sessions alongside Aesc…

Hanson: Progdoor has had enough and he has leapt out of the ring and has grabbed Ricker from the chair…

Vinegar: I can’t believe this!!! Ricker is saying he’s disabled!?!?!? Progdoor has none of it and lifts him onto his shoulders and Powerbomb’s Ricker onto the chair….and wheels it back up the ramp and backstage….

Hanson: Meanwhile in the ring, Aesc has Severino locked in a Camel Clutch….

Vinegar: But Diamond Jack rallies with the crowd support and climbs to his feet….still with Aesc on his back…and he throws his full weight back onto Aesc and slams him into the turnbuckle…he then turns, climbs up to the top ropes himself….Somersault Neckbreaker from the top….

Hanson: Severino brings Aesc to his feet, as Progdoor climbs back in the ring…Aesc hits Severino in the ribs and then grabs him…Gutwrench Suplex and Severino goes down….

Vinegar: Aesc brings Severino to his feet…

Hanson: SATANIC CONVERSION!

Vinegar: NO! Diamond Jack manages to hook his leg around Aesc and block the move, he swiftly knee’s Aesc…RISE OF BRUTALITY!!! He goes for the cover…

1

2…

3!!!!

Dennis: Here is you’re winner….via pinfall…'DIAMOOOOND'JAAAAAAACK SEVERINOOOOOOOOO!

Vinegar: Progdoor raises Diamond Jack's hand, and Severino has got his first GIW Pay Per View victory…he fought hard for that one, I gotta say I can only see great things in this guys future…

Hanson: Same here…he gets to go home and have victory sex with Gabrielle…

'Diamond' Jack Severino: 7
Aesc The Dark: 0

[Red Bull Icon]

Dennis: The following match will be a LEATHER STRAP MATCH for the GIW HARDCORE CHAMPIONSHIP!

“Fucking in the bushes” by Oasis blares over as Austin energetically comes out to the ring.

Dennis: Introducing the challenger, currently residing in Miami Beach, Florida and weighing 205 pounds... CHRRRRRRRRRIS AAAAAAAAAUUUUUUSTIN!!!!

Vinegar: Here comes the challenger for the Hardcore Championship belt tonight, Daniel. I think this match is going to be an amazing work of art.

Hanson: I get the feeling this match will be filled with all sorts of homo, Nick. They are going to be spanking each other over the backs with leather straps. Honestly, how the hell do you see competition in that?

Vinegar: Austin slides into the ring and looks over at the straps all tied to their individual corners. As you can see, folks, you have to untie the straps from the corners and then proceed to use them on your opponent. Of course, the first to get a pin will win.

“Wonder What’s Next” by Chevelle starts to play as Boolz emerges with Red Bull in his hand.

Dennis: And the GIW HARDCORE CHAMPION! From Oceanside, California and weighing 220 pounds, The Red Bull Icon... RRRRRRRRRRRRRRANDY BOOOOOOOOOOOOOLZIAN!!!!!!!!!!!

Hanson: Then there is this man. BoolZ, the Red Bull loving Hardcore Champion of ours. The sole reason that the Red Bull stock has jumped 20 percent in the last 4 months. Seeing as the United States economy is failing and all.

Vinegar: I might agree with you on that one, Hanson. I believe BoolZ should be owed a check for all the product he is selling. Of course, he did just film a radio commercial for the drink.

Hanson: If he gets a check, then I want one. God knows Prescott pays shit in this company. I am just legally bided to stay here until Savana is deemed fit to take care of a puppy.

Vinegar: You signed the contract, Daniel, not I.

Hanson: Whatever you say, Nick.

Vinegar: BoolZ now rolling into the ring and having a stare down with Austin, who is standing right across the ring from him. BoolZ running his hand over the leather straps tied to the corner of the ring.

Hanson: I just noticed that they are all different colors. One is red, blue, green, and a golden color. One second-

Vinegar: That’s the hardcore title belt! It’s tied to the corner of the ring as well!

Hanson: If I think about it, the belt is just gold glued onto a leather strap of its self. I guess Prescott wanted to be a wise guy, Vinegar.

Vinegar: Indeed, Hanson, and the match looks like it is about to get underway. BoolZ and Austin both staring at each other with ferocity in their eyes, and it looks like they are anxious to go at each other.

Ding!

Hanson: Look, BoolZ and Austin both run for the Title belt!

Vinegar: No, Austin hits a toe kick to the gut of BoolZ and proceeds to hammer at the back of his head.

Hanson: BoolZ grabs Austin’s feet from under him and flips him on his back! BoolZ tries to untie that belt!

Vinegar: BoolZ shouldn’t have turned his back on Austin!

Peterson: 1!

Peterson: 2!

Peterson: Kick out!

Hanson: Austin with that roll up as BoolZ attempted to get the belt from the corner. BoolZ quickly jumps to his feet and watches as Austin gets back to his as well.

Vinegar: A quick way to open the match as these two are desperate to get that Title belt around their waist for one more night. Austin, slowly backing his back against the corner behind him, and trying to untie which happens to be the title belt.

Hanson: BoolZ notices and charges!

Vinegar: Austin jumps out of the way as BoolZ stops from running chest first into the corner by jumping on top of the corner. Austin from behind!

Hanson: BoolZ just flew from the top corner to the ground, outside of the ring, and I think he could have injured a body part! Which body part? I do not know.

Vinegar: Austin trying to untie the belt now but I think he notices something.

Austin: AH!!!!!!!!!!

Hanson: What the hell?

Vinegar: Look on the screen! It is a close up of the piece of chain holding the belt on the corner! It is locked with three different keyholes holding it in place. Austin looking around and I think he notices there are three other straps tied to corners. He runs over to the red one and proceeds to attempt to untie it.

Hanson: BoolZ from behind! I think BoolZ actually limped his way up behind Austin and jumped sent a forearm into the back of his head. Austin rolling around on the ground as BoolZ drops an elbow on the ribcage of Austin.

Vinegar: I remember when these two were the best of allies and now they are fighting for a prize that was taken from Austin just some 4 weeks ago.

Hanson: We all know BoolZ having the Title will sell more merchandise for Prescott. I bet the Red Bull company paid Prescott to help BoolZ win the title so they could gain more money.

Vinegar: Austin dodges a stomp! BoolZ tries to make up for it with a jab to the head of Austin, who is trying to get back to his feet! NO! Austin dodges and grabs the arm of BoolZ, proceeding to pull him toward him and BAM! A clothesline takes BoolZ down!

Hanson: Austin runs over to the green strap and starts untying it! I wonder if there is a lo-

Vinegar: He has it undone! Austin quickly swings at BoolZ who dodges! Austin stumbles and accidentally pivots his body so that his back is facing BoolZ, who hits a neckbreaker out of nowhere! Austin lying on the ground, grasping his neck, as BoolZ quickly rises to his feet and walks over to the Blue strap and unties it. A key falls and BoolZ picks it up.

Hanson: I bet that is used to unlock the Title belt. Go use it, BoolZ!

Vinegar: BoolZ walks over to the title belt and starts to insert the key into each of the holes. He tries one and it doesn’t seem to be fitting, but the second one does!

Hanson: Behind you!

Vinegar: Austin with that green strap hard against the back of BoolZ! RBI writhing in pain as Austin turns him around and hits a powerslam!

Hanson: I think BoolZ should have waited for Austin to be down longer so that he could use the keys to unlock the title belt and use it.

Vinegar: I think Austin is looking for the key on the green strap and he sees it! He unlatches it and walks over to the title belt.

Hanson: Austin is going to make the same mistake that BoolZ just made and turn his back on him. Look, he has the key in the hole and I guess BoolZ is taking a while to recov-

Vinegar: The blue strap right across the stomach of Austin as he turned around!

Hanson: How do I not catch these things? I am sitting right here and it is like I only focus on the part that the camera is showing. I guess it builds suspense.

Vinegar: Austin on his knees leaning forward as he gasps for air. BoolZ wraps the strap around his neck and pulls backwards hard and Austin falls hard onto his back! BoolZ lifts Austin to his feet and goes for the Sobering Thoughts!

Hanson: AUSTIN BLOCKS AND GOES FOR THE C4!!!!!

Vinegar: BOOLZ WILL NOT ALLOW IT AND HITS THE DISCOMBOOLZATOR!!!!! HE COVERS!!!!

Peterson: 1!

Peterson: 2!

Peterson: 3!

Hanson: Austin kicks out a fraction of a second before 3!

Vinegar: I think BoolZ is shocked at Austin kicking out. I would believe it though, because Austin has been through much worse than the signature move of another wrestler.

Hanson: Do not forget that he has also been pinned by much less. Like a roll up from Savana this past week, thanks to BoolZ turning his back. BoolZ stands to his feet and it looks like he is dazed for a second.

Vinegar: RBI walks over to the Red strap and is going to untie it but wait! Austin is yelling something. What is he yelling?

Austin: gibberish

Hanson: BoolZ turns to look as Austin continues to speak words that I don’t think are actually words. Austin on his knees as he tries to lift himself up with the ropes.

Vinegar: I think Austin may be-SPEAR!!!! SPEAR!!!! Austin was using the gibberish talk to by him time to recover and from his knees, he hits the spear!

Hanson: THAT ISN’T THE RIGHT NAME BUT I AM SHOCKED AS WELL!

Peterson: 1!

Peterson: 2!

Peterson: KICK OUT!

Vinegar: I don’t know if Austin really thought that would put BoolZ away, but I know he knows it will keep him down for a couple of seconds and allow him some rest time.

Hanson: Austin on his knees and crawling towards the red strap. Wow, Austin is on his knees and actually untying the red strap. I don’t get why he just doesn’t use the other straps to attack BoolZ.

Vinegar: I think that the first person to get the title belt might have the advantage simply due to how heavy and stern the belt is. Austin has the strap undone!

Hanson: Austin rising to his feet with the strap resting on the corner in front of him. BoolZ is standing behind him! He charges! NOFLY ZONE!

Vinegar: Austin moves but RBI sees and quickly counters into a jump onto the top rope. He in one swift motion leaps off for a cross body but NO! AUSTIN HAD THE STRAP AND HITS HIM MID AIR WITH IT!!!

Hanson: BoolZ writhing in pain as Austin quickly stumbles over to the Title belt and puts the key in the last hole. BoolZ from behind hits a german suplex!

Vinegar: AUSTIN ROLLS THROUGH! BRIDGE PIN!!

Peterson: 1!

Peterson: 2!

Hanson: Kick out and both men are quick to jump to their feet! BoolZ hits the TUMBLEWEED!

Vinegar: NO! Austin catches his feet in mid air and BoolZ drops to his back with Austin holding his feet! Slingshot!

Hanson: BoolZ over the top rope but he hangs on. Austin runs over to the title belt and twists the three keys. He HAS THE TITLE BELT!

Vinegar: BOOLZ SEES AND SPRINGBOARDS OFF THE TOP ROPE!

Hanson: AUSTIN SWINGS THE BELT TO MEET HIM IN MID AIR!

Vinegar: OH MY GOD! BOOLZ FORMS A BALL AND ROLLS UNDER THE SWING AND IS NOW BEHIND AUSTIN!!!!! BOOLZ CHARGES!

HANSON: AUSTIN TURNS AND SWINGS THE BELT AND IT HITS BOOLZ RIGHT OVER THE HEAD!!!!!!

VINEGAR: NO!!! BOOLZ CATCHES IT, PULLS IT FROM AUSTIN, DROPS THE BELT ONTO THE CANVAS AND A DISCOMBOOLZILATOR ONTO THE TITLE BELT!!!RBI COVERS!!!

Peterson: 1!

Peterson: 2!

Peterson: 3!!!!!

Vinegar: BOOLZ JUST WON THE MATCH!

Dennis: The winner of the match, via pinfall, and STILL GIW HARDCORE CHAMPION... RRRRRRRRRRRRRRANDY BOOOOOOOOOOOOLZIAN!!!

Hanson: Unbelievable! Austin got to the Title belt first, but BoolZ was still to match!

Randy Boolzian: 7
Chris Austin: 0

[Red Bull Icon]

"Parabola" begins playing, the instinctual response of the fans taking over and the arena filling with boos. Donovan Hastings enters the Thomas & Mack Center arena area, draped in his signature dark cloak. He raises his arms to the ceiling, before Declan Prescott and Cara Costello emerge from the curtains. The pair are hand in hand, while Prescott uses his free hand to give a confident thumbs up to Hastings, before the trio begin heading down the ramp.

Dennis: The following contest is a tag team match! Introducing first, representing GLOBAL DOMINATION, being accompanied by Cara Costello, at a combined weight of 457 pounds, from Hartford, Connecticut and Los Angeles, California respectively, the team of The Immortal Lord Of Pain... DONOVAAAAAAAAAAAAAAN HAAAAAAAAAAASTINGS... and the owner of Global Impact Wrestling, The Significant Player... DECLAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAN PRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRESCOTT!!!!

Vinegar: And a match made in hell with these two men... I couldn't think of a better tag team. Obnoxious, self-absorbed, arrogant and -

Hanson: Whatchu talkin' 'bout, skillet?! Declan and Lord Hastings are the tag team champions of the universe! And you should save your potty mouth for when Komosube and Travis Roberts make their way out here.

Vinegar: What makes you think it'll be them coming out?

Hanson: Because everyone voted for Dylan James. I mean, why wouldn't they?!

Vinegar: All the words I just used to describe the tag team in the ring right now, come to mind. Prescott kissing the hand of his recent wife, before she exits the ring and takes up position at the apron.

Hanson: It's like a honeymoon match!

Vinegar: With three other men...

Hanson: Yeah?! You think you're funny?! Well... well... yo momma was with three other me -

"Blackened" begins playing, before Dylan James marches from behind the curtains. He is met with only boos, before he spits vehemently on the stage and begins heading down the ramp. He rolls his shoulders as he marches towards the ramp.

Dennis: And the opponent, from Detroit, Michigan and weighing 240 pounds... 'HAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRDCORE' DYLAAAAAAAAAAAN JAAAAAAAAAAAAMES!!!!

Vinegar: You were saying?

Hanson: SHUT UP! SHUT UP! SHUT UP!

Vinegar: I can't say I'm surprised. James sure did pick an idiotic time to turn his back on the fans. Right when he needed them the most.

Hanson: Yo momma needed them the most!

Vinegar: If my momma was in this vote, she would have gotten more votes than DJ! Speaking of, he's taking position on the outside, not wanting to face the GD pair alone, which is a wise decision.

"Bummer" smashes into play and the Vegas fans begin cheering ravenously in response. Several moments pass, before Travis Roberts makes his way through the curtains, arms extended, and down the ramp. He looks from his partner, to his opponents and snickers harshly.

Dennis: And the partner, currently residing in Los Angeles, California and weighing 220 pounds, The Blessed One... TRRRRRRRRRRRRRAVIS RRRRRRRRRRRRRRROBERTS!!!!!

Vinegar: That means -

Hanson: That the retarded fat man is in the main event! Yeah, I know what it means. Not like it matters, though. Now he's just gonna get beaten by Lord Deathman, instead of Declan and Lord Hastings!

Vinegar: I guess we'll have to wait and see, but right now we have a tag team match underway, as Roberts and James slide into the ring. These two men despise each other, but they'll have to put their differences aside here tonight, if they want to win this match. Now Prescott leaving the ring, while James is 'insisting' that he begin the match. Roberts begrudgingly complies and heads to the apron. The bell sounds and it looks like this bout will commence with Hastings facing off against James!

Hanson: And here we go! Declan Prescott making his Pay-Per-View return here! Well, unless you count that thumping he gave Brown last month. HA!

Vinegar: You spend far too much time thinking about Declan... focusing on the competitors in the ring now, Hastings with a front face lock applied to James. James counters, flipping Hastings over his head, keeping his grip and applying a pin! Hastings quickly kicks out and James smirking. He runs at The Lord Of Pain, who counters with a hip toss. But DJ is quick back up and sends Hastings reeling into the ropes with an impressive dropkick!

Hanson: But Roberts makes a blind tag! That fiend is gonna ruin it for his team!

Vinegar: I seriously doubt that, but I thought you were going for GD anyway...

Hanson: Yo momma is going for GD!

Vinegar: Anyways, DJ and Roberts, who is now in the ring, bickering about that blind tag. The distraction is all Hastings needs to take both men down with a double leg sweep! He rolls James out of the ring, which gives Roberts all the time he needs to get back up. A big boot from The Blessed One takes Hastings down. Now The Headliner raises his arms for these great fans, as The Immortal climbs back up. Roberts quickly sends him back down with a stiff clothesli - NO! Hastings ducks and levels Roberts with a neck breaker from behind!

Hanson: Ya see?! That's what happens when you underestimate a Lord! Yo ass goes down like a paedophile clown!

Vinegar: O.O

Hanson: Whatchu lookin' at, compton?

Vinegar: Um... back in the ring, Hastings tags in Prescott. The Significant Player enters the ring, just as Roberts is back up. GD takes The Headliner down with a double clothesline. Now Hastings being led to the corner by Hazel East. The Blessed One again to his feet, but Prescott quickly delivers a perfect gutwrench suplex!

Hanson: Everything Declan does is perfect! Especially Cara. HA!

Vinegar: Somebody kill me... back in the ring, Prescott looking for the sharpshooter on his opponent. Roberts able to kick free, sending The Significant Player spiralling to the mat. Both men scramble back up, but it's Roberts with the advantage! He plants Prescott with a stiff DDT. Now that strumpet Cara yelling something at The Blessed One. He takes no notice and goes back on the attack, but Prescott with a fist to the janglies! East warning him against further such actions, but dammit, the damage is done!

Hanson: HA! Isn't Cara a reliable wife, Nick?!

Vinegar: That's not how I'd describe her... nonetheless, The Significant Player back up and hits Roberts with a rolling vertical suplex. Now he looks for a spinning leg drop, but Roberts rolls to safety! Both men back up and Roberts sliding to the canvas, taking Prescott down with a drop toe hold. The boss goes falling neck first into the second rope and springs back to the ring, landing on the back of his head on the mat!

Hanson: Roberts used the ropes illegally! DISQUALIFY HIM!!

Vinegar: I used ropes on yo momma last night!!!

Hanson: !!!

Vinegar: Oh yeah, Uncy Nick still has it, folks. Back in the ring, Prescott is up again, but Roberts instantly flattens him with a Russian leg sweep. But Hastings out of nowhere, obliterates The Blessed One with a HUGE spine buster!!

Hanson: That's teamwork, Nick. Lord Hastings being a team player, unlike those jokers Roberts and James.

Vinegar: You call it teamwork, I call it cheating. But regardless, Hastings returning to the apron, while Roberts is back up, only to take a swift kick to the face from Prescott. The Headliner goes tumbling across the canvas, but is quick to pick himself back up and this time, it's James with the blind tag!

Hanson: Meanwhile Declan makes the tag to Lord Hastings. We're back to where we started, Nick!

Vinegar: I would have agreed, before that harlot Costello, just grabbed James by the ankle! The distraction gives Hastings all the time he needs to lock in a half nelson hold from behind! James struggling here, but The Lord Of Pain has that hold locked in securely. But James gets his feet on the second rope and is able to propel himself from it. Both he and Hastings go tumbling to the mat, the hold being broken.

Hanson: but Lord Hastings is always ready! He grabs DJ's legs and pulls them out from under him!

Vinegar: Right you are, as James falls face first to the mat. Hastings leaps on the offensive, looking for a headlock, but James scrambles free and rushes to his feet. Hastings up too and James with a belly-to-belly suple - NO! The Immortal counters into a belly-to-belly of his own, seeing James fly over the top rope and go crashing to the outside!!

Hanson: Did you see that impact, Nick?! His head hit the apron on the way down. He could be concussed!

Vinegar: But Prescott doesn't care, leaping to the outside and going on the attack like a hungry wolf! He hits some stiff rights and lefts into the back of DJ's head, right where he landed on the apron. Now he's rolling the hardcore superstar back into the ring, where Hastings pulls him up and slams him back down with a stern neck breaker.

Hanson: The pair are wisely going after DJ's head, now. It's very smart, Nick. Meanwhile Roberts is standing on the apron, letting it all happen!

Vinegar: There's not a lot he can do, unless James is able to make a tag. Hardcore is crawling towards The Blessed One, but Hastings grabs him by the leg and drags him back to the other side. He pulls DJ up AND IS LOOKING FOR THE DESTINY'S CALL!!!!

Hanson: Lord Hastings looking to finish this match for - ARGH!

Vinegar: DJ slides free, lands behind Hastings and takes him out with a German suplex! Now James groggily pushing himself forwards, towards his partner. He's there and makes the ta - NO! Hastings grabs his right leg from behind and is dragging him back to the GD corner! BUT DJ WITH AN ENZIGURI OUT OF DESPERATION!!!! AND NOW HE TAGS IN ROBERTS!!!!

Hanson: Phooey!!

Vinegar: The Headliner charges the ring and turns Hastings inside out with a MASSIVE clothesline!! Here comes Prescott sprinting into the ring illegally, but Roberts grabs hold of him, uses his own momentum against him and throws him right over the ropes and tumbling to the floor below!!! Roberts on fire here, as Hastings is back up BUT GETS TAKEN STRAIGHT BACK DOWN WITH THE WHITE OUT!!! TRAVIS COVERS!! ON - THAT HARLOT, CARA COSTELLO, IS ON THE APRON, SCREAMING ABUSE AT ROBERTS!!!! HAZEL LOOKS TO REMOVER HER AND CAN'T MAKE THE COUNT!!!

Hanson: HA! Look at Roberts, getting to his feet. He looks furious!

Vinegar: And he's screaming obscenities back at Costello, who is now leaving the apron. BUT JAMES MAKES A BLIND TAG FROM BEHIND!!!

Hanson: What?! he can barely stand!!

Vinegar: But here comes Prescott back in the ring! Not realising James is the legal man now, Prescott hits a clothesline sending both himself and The Blessed One out of the ring!! But now DJ getting in the ring and laughing!! He's seen that Hastings is easy pickings after that White Out and wants the win for himself! What a selfish git?!

Hanson: But he miscalculated!!! Lord Hastings is getting to his feet and shaking his head clear!!

Vinegar: James instantly on the attack AND LOOKING FOR THE ADRENALINE RUSH!! BUT HASTINGS SLIDES FREE AND KICKS JAMES IN THE GUT! DESTINY'S CALL!!!! HASTINGS NAILS IT!!!! COVERS!!! ONE!!!! ROBERTS SLIDING INTO THE RING!!!! TWO!!! BUT PRESCOTT HAS HIM BY THE LEGS!!!! THREE!!!!! IT'S OVER!!!!! GLOBAL DOMINATION PICK UP THE VICTORY!!!!

Hanson: HA! And that's not the last time you'll be hearing that tonight!!!

Dennis: Your winners, via pinfall, Donovan Hastings and Declan Prescott... GLOBAAAAAAAL DOMINAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAATION!!!!!!!!!!

Vinegar: Roberts had the match won! But thanks to Costello and that idiot James, GD has won this thing!

Hanson: You're blaming James?! If Roberts wasn't so incompetent he would have won the match and James wouldn't have had to take the lead when he was on the verge of unconsciousness!

Vinegar: You have a strange view on the world, my friend. But nonetheless, Hastings and Prescott pick up the victory, as they're both heading backstage, with Costello. Meanwhile Roberts looks ready to kill his still incapacitated tag partner.

Hanson: He's just jealous, Nick.

Vinegar: Even yo momma wouldn't be jealous of Dylan James.

Declan Prescott/Donovan Hastings: 2
'Hardcore' Dylan James/Travis Roberts: 0

[Red Bull Icon]

"Endless Song" begins playing, to a huge pop from the Vegas fans. Komosube enters the arena area, feasting on rice and dressed in kimono. He begins heading to ring, throwing away his bowl of food as he reaches it.

Dennis: The following contest is a triple threat match and it is for the GLOBAL HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPIONSHIP! Introducing the first challenger, from Kyoto, Japan and weighing 409 pounds... KOMOSUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUBE!!!!

Vinegar: These fans going crazy for Komosube here. He gained nearly half the votes, Dan!

Hanson: Which means nearly half the voters wanted to see him get creamed by Lord Deathman, rather than James and Roberts. I think I'll enjoy it, too.

Vinegar: That remains to be seen...

The arena suddenly turns dark. Several holographic angels begin flying around the arena, before transforming into demons. As the lights return, Lord Deathman is kneeling in the centre of the ring, staring directly at Komosube.

Dennis: And the second challenger, representing Global Domination, from The Underworld and weighing 370 pounds, The General Of Destruction... LOOOOOOOOOOORRRRRRRRRRD DEATHMAAAAAAAAAAAAN!!!!

Vinegar: And the fans only booing for Deathman.

Hanson: That's because they know he's gonna annihilate both Brown and Komosube and there's not a thing they can do to stop him! They're just jealous, Nick!

Vinegar: You say that about everyone...

Hanson: Not you, Nick. Never you.

"Kickstart My Heart" smashes into play, before Brandon Brown leaps from the curtains. The Global Heavyweight Championship belt is strapped around his waist, as he spends several moments taunting on the stage. He then points to the ring and begins jogging down the ramp.

Dennis: And introducing the GLOBAL HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPION, from Albion, Indiana and weighing 190 pounds... BRRRRRRRRRRRRRRANDON BRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRROWN!!!!!

Vinegar: Brown sliding into the ring and handing that prestigious belt to Burke. The senior referee of GIW raises is in the air, before handing it off to Old Man Hermit. Now the bell rings and we're underway!!

Hanson: And Brown instantly goes after Lord Deathman! He's insane!!

Vinegar: Brown smashing some lefts and rights into The General, but Deathman pushes him to the mat. Deathman now stomping away at Brown, before Komosube smashes him through the ropes and out of the ring with a GIANT shoulder block!! And Komosube is one of the few men who can go toe-to-toe with Deathman's strength!

Hanson: And that really makes Brown the odd man out here, Nick. Komo and Lord Deathman are power fighters. Being stuck between them, I think Brown is finished. Of course, when Lord Deathman is in the match, he's finished anyway...

Vinegar: If there's one thing you can be sure about Brandon Brown, it's that you can never count him out, no mater how bad the odds may seem. He's back up now, but Komosube with another shoulder block, smashes him into the corner.

Hanson: Komo charges after Brown, but Brandon leaps out of the way! Komo goes bosom first into the corner! Haha! I love the word 'bosom'!

Vinegar: Well good for you... but getting back to the match, Deathman grabs Komosube's legs from the outside, trips him up and, with some inhuman strength, pulls him right out of the ring. BUT HERE COMES BROWN DIVING OVER THE TOP ROPE AND ONTO BOTH MEN!!!!

Hanson: And now all three of them are laid out!! Brown not wasting anytime here!

Vinegar: And the Global Champion quickly back up and climbing the apron and now the turnbuckle! MOONSAULT FROM THE TOP!!! BUT DEATHMAN BACK UP AND CATCHES HIM!!!! NOW HE RAMS BROWN FACE FIRST INTO THE SAFETY BARRIER!!!

Hanson: But Komosube back up and kicks Lord Deathman in the back of the head, sending him crashing over the barrier!!

Vinegar: This match has degenerated already!! Komosube pulling Brown up and tossing him like a rag doll into the steel steps!! But Deathman climbing back into the ringside area and he has a fan's chair! BOOM!! Straight into the sumo's skull!!!

Hanson: Komosube falling to the floor and he looks out of it, Nick. Komo would probably stay standing after a regular chair shot, but this was a hammering blow from Lord Deathman!

Vinegar: But now Brown is back up and is standing at the top of the ring steps! MASSIVE MISSILE DROPKICK SENDING THAT CHAIR INTO DEATHMAN'S FACE!!!

Hanson: And Brown has actually knocked The General Of Destruction off his feet! Who knew he even could?!

Vinegar: And Brown wasting no time, picking up that chair and blasting it into Deathman's face!! Over and over again! These two men can't stand each other!!! Now Komosube getting back up, still a little dazed, but Brown instantly swings the chair at him! NO! Komosube ducks and forces Brown to release the chair with a smashing knife hand to the gut! Brown doubles over AND KOMOSUBE LOOKING TO POWER BOMB HIM ONTO THE CHAIR! NO!! BROWN GRABS THE ROPES AND SKINS THE CAT BACK INSIDE THE RING! NOW WITH A STANDING BASEBALL SLIDE, KICKS KOMOSUBE STRAIGHT IN THE FACE AND SENDS HIM SPIRALLING TO THE FLOOR!

Hanson: And the speed of Brown is incredible! Komosube getting back up, but Brown is already to the top rope and ready to attack!!

Vinegar: But here comes Deathman CHARGING up the steps, with a GIANT clothesline lariat, COMPLETELY clears the ropes and sends BOTH he and the Global Champ crashing back down inside the ring! Deathman getting back up and pulls Brown to his feet, by the hair! AND HE'S LOOKING FOR THE VIOLENT REACTION!!!

Hanson: And Brown has no ropes to grab onto this time! BOOM! He gets flattened by that power bomb!

Vinegar: But Komosube is back in the ring! Belly-to-belly suplex takes Deathman down!! But The General Of Destruction getting back up, almost instantly. Komosube now looking for a vertical suplex! Deathman counters into a suplex of his own, but tosses Komo forward and into the corner instead!!! Total brutality from The General!!! BUT BROWN WITH A SCHOOL BOY FROM BEHIND! ONE! TWO! THR - DEATHMAN KICKS OUT!!!! THIS MATCH WAS ALMOST OVER!!!!

Hanson: And I bet Lord Deathman is furious under that mask! He's getting to his feet and Brown instantly rolls out of the ring! That's a smart idea!!

Vinegar: Brown probably still feeling the effects of that seven foot tall power bomb and not looking to get into a fight with Deathman just yet. And he won't have to, as Komosube hits a stiff kick into Deathman's side, sending The General toppling to the mat! Now he's stalking Deathman, while The General gets back up. Komosube looking for a power slam, but Deathman counters into a HUGE DDT!!!

Hanson: But what's this?! Brown back in the ring WITH A LADDER!!!

Vinegar: Brown BASHING that ladder into Deathman's mask, sends him toppling into the corner. Now the Champ leaning that ladder against The General, while Komosube is getting back up. He sees Brown and charges! Brandon sidesteps AND KOMOSUBE GOES CRASHING INTO THAT LADDER, CRUSHING DEATHMAN IN THE PROCESS!!!

Hanson: Komosube ran right into that one - literally!

Vinegar: Deathamn and the ladder go falling to the canvas, WHILE BROWN IS LOOKING FOR A SUPER KICK ON KOMO - NO!!! KOMOSUBE TAKES HOLD OF BROWN'S LEG, PICKS HIM UP AND SLAMS HIM DOWN INTO THAT LADDER WITH TREMENDOUS FORCE!!!

Hanson: And now that fat freak is laughing!

Vinegar: He's in control right now, BUT BROWN WITH A FOOT TO THE CROTCH CHANGES ALL THAT!!!

Hanson: Ha! Now fatty falling to his knees and doesn't seem so happy!

Vinegar: Brown climbing back up, BUT DEATHMAN GRABS HIM AND SENDS HIM FACE FIRST INTO THE RING POST!!!!

Hanson: Brown falling to the mat lifelessly and he's bleeding from the forehead, Nick!!

Vinegar: Meanwhile Komosube and Deathman are back up. The General with a big boot takes his opponent down! Deathman now picking up the ladder and setting it up right in the centre of the ring!! He's pulling the hurting Brown up and dragging him over to that steel! Now he's climbing the ladder and dragging Brown up behind him!!! HE'S LOOKING FOR THE DEATH NOTE FROM THE TOP OF THAT DAMNED LADDER!!!!

Hanson: HA! I bet Brown's wishing he didn't bring that thing into the ring, now!!

Vinegar: BUT KOMOSUBE GRABS THE LADDER'S BASE, TIPS IT OVER AND SENDS BOTH MEN PLUMMETING!!!!

Hanson: Oh no! I wish Brown had never brought that stupid thing into the ring!!

Vinegar: Deathman climbing back up. I think he used Brown to cushion his fall! But Komosube blasts him with a head butt right into that mask!!! The General goes stumbling and Komosube turns his attention to the still downed Brown. He pulls the Champ up AND IS LOOKING FOR THE KAMIKAZE SMASHER!!! NO!!!! BROWN COUNTERS INTO A FALLING DDT!!!! BROWN NIPPING UP AND SEES DEATHMAN GETTING UP, TOO!!! CALLS FOR THE SUPER KI - HOLY FUCKING SHIT, THAT MAN MUST DIE!!!!!

Hanson: HAHA!

Vinegar: Prescott just blasted Brown from behind with a clothesline!!! Now he's pulling him up and shoving him into the corner!! Our boss pummelling away at the Champion with rights and lefts!!! Prescott is a jealous, spoilt child!!!

Hanson: I think it's gre - WHAT THE?!?!

Vinegar: Now Travis Roberts is out here!!! He's making a beeline for Prescott, BUT DEATHMAN HOOKS HIM WITH A CLOTHESLINE AS HE RUNS!!! Dammit, Roberts came out here to stop yet another GD screw job and now he's being blasted by Deathman's stomps for his efforts!!! The General pulling The Headliner up AND HITS HIM WITH THE LAST RIGHTS!!!! ROBERTS HAS BEEN LAID OUT HERE!!!

Hanson: But Komosube is back up!!! This is bad!!!

Vinegar: This is excellent! he grabs Prescott's weasel head from behind and slams him into the mat with all the strength he has!! Komosube wants to end this thing the RIGHT way!!! BUT BROWN OUT OF REFLEX, BLASTS THE SUMO WITH AN EYE RAKE!!!!

Hanson: HA! Komosube has been temporarily blinded!! There was no 'instinct' there, Brown sore an opportunity and he took it!!

Vinegar: I would like to think that is not the case. But now Brown making his way to Roberts, while Deathman is peering down at Prescott. The General extends his hand and Prescott takes it. Meanwhile, Brown does the same to Roberts, who also accepts the gesture. It looks like this may become a tag team match, now! Where is Aragato when we need him?!

Hanson: Probably in the back with a katan - ARGH!!!!

Vinegar: ROBERTS WITH THE WHITE OUT ON BROWN!!!! PRESCOTT WITH THE SIGNIFICANT IMPACT ON DEATHMAN!!!! WHAT THE HELL IS THIS?!?!?!?! BOTH MEN NOW STARING AT EACH OTHER... AND SMILING!!!!

Hanson: AHAHAHA! IT WAS A SCREW JOB ALL ALONG!!!!

Vinegar: ROBERTS AND PRESCOTT HEADING UP THE RAMP TOGETHER!!! THIS MUST HAVE BEEN THAT PHASE TWO THAT ROBERTS WAS TALKING ABOUT!!!!

Hanson: And look at Komosube! He regained his vision just in time to see his two opponents lifeless in the ring!!!

Vinegar: And he's staring down those two cheating sons of bitches, murderous rage filling his eyes!!! This isn't how he wanted this match to go down!!!

Hanson: But that's not stopping him climbing to the second rope!!!

Vinegar: KOMOSUBE LOOKING FOR THE BANZAI-SAULT ON DEATHMAN!!! BUT HE DOESN'T WANNA DO IT!!! LOOK IN HIS EYES, DANIEL! IT'S LIKE HE'S ABOUT TO TEAR HIMSELF IN TWO!!!! ARGHMYGOD, HE JUMPS!!!!! BANZAI-SAULT ONTO THE GENERAL SHAKES THE WHOLE RING AND BURKE MAKES THE COUNT!!! ONE!!!! TWO!!!! THREE!!!!!! OH MY GOD, KOMOSUBE IS THE NEW GLOBAL HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPION!!!!!!

Dennis: The winner of the match, via pinfall, and NEW GLOBAL HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPION... KOMOSUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUBE!!!!

Hanson: THIS IS NUTS!!! I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CRY!!!

Vinegar: AND KOMOSUBE SEEMS TO BE HAVING THE SAME PROBLEM, AS BURKE HANDS HIM THAT TITLE BELT!!! THIS ISN'T HOW HE WANTED IT TO GO DOWN, BUT THE ACHIEVEMENT IS WHAT IT IS!!! HE'S THE GREATEST WRESTLER ALIVE TODAY!!!

Hanson: Now he's raising it in the air, water streaming from his eyes!!

Vinegar: And these fans can't hide their excitement! They're going ecstatic for Komosube!!!

Hanson: But what happens now?! Roberts, Declan, Deathman, Brown and Komosube are all going to be gunning for each other after what just happened!!

Vinegar: I can't answer that question. All I can say is that we're out of time. We'll leave you to the image of Komosube holding that Global Title and hope you join us at Sentinel next week, where we'll see all the fallout from this fantastic show! I'm Nicholas Vinegar, with Daniel Hanson, wishing you -

Hanson: - And yo momma -

Vinegar: - A pleasant week...

The camera fades from Komosube still raising the Global Title in the air, to only blackness.

Komosube: 4
Brandon Brown: 3
Lord Deathman: -1

[Red Bull Icon]

In Your Hands '08 Credits

Restricted Destruction Match
Travis Roberts

Chen/Gabrielle Backstage
'Diamond' Jack Severino and Hiroshima

Joka vs. Savage
Randy Boolzian

GIW Women's Championship
Declan Prescott

Kuwubara Commercial
Hiroshima

Aragato vs. Savana
Lord Deathman

Jensen Backstage
Sean Jensen

'Legends' Referee Match
Travis Roberts

GIW Hardcore Championship
Andy Savana

Tag Team Match
Declan Prescott

Global Heavyweight Championship
Declan Prescott

Editor
Declan Prescott