Post by capt80s on Apr 28, 2018 8:38:26 GMT -5
AHOY FIRSTMATES(HASHTAG#)!! THE CAPTAIN HAS FIRED UP HIS PC 5150 TO PUT TOGETHER THIS VERY SPECIAL PRESENTATION FOR YOUR ENJOYMENT!! I’M BEAMING LIVE FROM THE MAIN MAST ANTENNAE OF THE AIRSHIP ‘FALCOR’ TONIGHT, BRINGING YOU A STORY OF CRUSHING DEFEAT, THE LONG HARD ROAD BACK, AND THE GLORIOUS RETURN OF YOUR CAPTAIN!! YEAAH!!
ON MONDAY, APRIL 30TH, AT THE LITTLE CAESAR’S ARENA IN DETROIT, MICHIGAN, THE UNITED GLOBAL WRESTLING COALITION WILL DEBUT THEIR SECOND BRAND, UGWC: CHILL! THAT NIGHT, CAPITAN QUATRE-VINGTS WILL COME FACE TO FACE WITH LINDSEY BUNNY AND JACK LEVY IN A BATTLE THAT WILL CHART THE COURSE OF EACH OF THEIR CAREERS FOR THE FORESEEABLE FUTURE!!
DON’T FORGET, CAP WILL BE CALLED UPON BY THE STARS TO BRING THE MAGIC AND SONG OF HIS FANTASY CRUISE TO CARNAGE WRESTLING’S CHAOS 55 TO KICK OFF THE FIRST ROUND OF THE MONARCHY OF ANARCHY AGAINST GI!! THE CAPTAIN KNOWS HE’LL SEE ALL ONE HUNDRED POINT SEVEN BILLION OF HIS FIRST MATES THERE!! YEAAH!!
BUT!! WHAT BROUGHT THE CAPTAIN TO THIS COMING MONDAY?? THERE IS NEARLY HALF A DECADE OF BOTH THE HEART-WARMING AND HEART-WRENCHING THAT LEAD FROM THE STARS OF TOMORROW TO THE STAR OF TODAY, AND THE CAPTAIN INTENDS TO USE THE ENTIRE RAW POWER OF HIS COMPUTER’S SIXTEEN KILOBYTES OF RAM TO BRING YOU THE ENTIRE RIDE!!
THERE’S ONLY ONE WAY TO TELL IT, FIRST MATES, AND YOU KNOW WHAT IT IS!! YEAAH!!
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[[REPLAY AS NEEDED, FIRST MATES!!]]
A clip package begins showing the passage of time for Captain 80s over the last five years, beginning with him watching Gian Jones, Mark Reznik, and Ratana Som being congratulated in the ring by Travis Pierce and Jet Somers after they’re offered UGWC contracts over their Stars of Tomorrow compatriots. Turning off the backstage monitor, he walks away down a lonely UGWC hallway.
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The next clip shows the Captain lying with his jacket half-on, staring into the distance blankly as he slumps on a beanbag. Various unmentionable paraphernalia is scattered around him, along with a variety of big-haired, fluorescent-clad, filthy women. The camera pans in to his face slowly, and he turns one glazed eye to the camera as a tear trickles down his cheek.
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We get a panning shot of Michael J. Fox arriving in a Delorean, and quickly flips to him first yelling at, and then hugging the Captain, pulling him off the floor and to his feet. Supporting the ailing wrestler, he pats him on the shoulder continuously as they walk out of the shanty together.
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The Captain, wearing a zebra-print leotard, struggles to close the cruel jaws of a Thighmaster just a single time. Michael cheers him on, willing him to do it.
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The Captain, now wearing a Rising Sun headband, struggles not to stumble about as he Jazzercises at the back of a much more skilled and flexible group of women.
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The Captain chugs can after can of Slim-Fast as Michael cracks raw eggs and lets them drip into the cans before handing them over.
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The Captain sports a super curly perm, blonde highlights now fully faded, as he gasps and pants. Around him, the well-known, heavier participants Sweat to the Oldies with much more grace than he has.
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The Captain squints in pain as he rocks back and forth on an Abdomenizer. Not being able to find the rhythm, he scoots all over the carpeted floor as the thick plastic glides with ease.
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The Captain’s legs quiver intensely as he lies on the floor, lifting one leg up and down in a butterfly motion, trying to rebuild his Buns of Steel.
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Michael jumps up and down, jumping his fist as The Captain’s knees finally touch around the Thighmaster!
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The Captain crunches his legs up as he sits up over and over on a now stationary Abdomenizer!
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The Captain moves side by side with Richard Simmons, perfectly in sync with the master’s motions!
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As The Captain leans easily on his elbow on the floor, his leg flutters up and down. The camera pans backward, and we see Brooke Shields walk by in a high-side cut one piece, looking down at the Captain with approval as she goes. The Captain, noticing her look, scissors his leg faster and faster as the camera pulls in close to his grinning face!
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The Captain leads his own squad of Jazzercisers, his energy and momentum inspiring them to keep up as they dance with aplomb!
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The Captain, his hair done up in a messy beehive, Prancercises down a mountain path alongside a proud, sixteen-point buck. At the last moment, they leap in tandem over a rushing scream, their grace a thing of beauty!
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At the top of a set of concrete steps, five risers high, Michael and the newly bedazzled, expertly teased, and cleaned up blonde Captain embrace in a moment of machismo emotion, before running at the steps and springing high out over them. The camera freezes, catching them in mid-air with victorious triumph written all over their faces. The clip package fades out after the letters spelling “YEAAH!!” scroll quickly across the screen.
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AS YOU CAN SEE, BROTHER, THE ROAD WAS LONG, HARD, AND SWEATY, BUT THE CAPTAIN KNEW THE FAITH OF HIS FIRST MATES WAS WAITING FOR HIM ON THE OTHER SIDE!! NOW HE HAS RETURNED TO ROCK THE UGWC LIKE NEVER BEFORE!! UGWC: CHILL WILL BE ANYTHING BUT COME MONDAY, APRIL 30 AT THE LITTLE CAESAR’S ARENA IN DETROIT, MICHIGAN!! ANY QUESTIONS???