Post by capt80s on Jun 9, 2018 22:42:25 GMT -5
The camera pans away from the back of the luscious, wavy, teased, blonde fountain of hair, revealing Captain 80s in his usual pose, thumbs pointing at his amazing mullet. He turns around and points into the camera as he announces himself:
AHOY FIRST MATES!! THE CAPTAIN IS EAGERLY AWAITING HIS TRIUMPHANT RETURN TO THE UNIFIED GLOBAL WRESTLING COALITION’S CHILL ON JUNE 11TH, AT THE QUICKEN LOANS ARENA IN CLEVELAND, OHIO!!
THE CAPTAIN HAS HAD A TUMULTUOUS WEEK, AND HAS HAD TO SPEND THE LAST WEEK FLYING TO THE TURNEFFE ATOLL TO SEEK THE FOUNTAIN OF YOUTH AND HEAL MY MAGICAL BODY BACK TO FULL HEALTH!!
YOUR CAPTAIN SUFFERED GREATLY IN THE LAND OF CARNAGE, FALLING TO THE POSE-PREDATOR AND FAILING TO MOVE FORWARD IN THAT CONTEST!! WITH SHAME, THE CAPTAIN WAS FORCED TO BOARD HIS AIRSHIP AND FLY BACK TO THE LAND OF UNIFIED GLOBAL WRESTLING COALITION!!
HOPING TO REGAIN HIS HONOR, YOUR CAPTAIN ENTERED THE PRESTIGIOUS MASSIVE MELEE TOURNAMENT, A SURPRISE PARTICIPANT PITTED AGAINST THE ENTIRETY OF BOTH THE SYNERGY AND CHILL ROSTERS!! THOUGH HE MADE IT FAR, MUCH FARTHER THAN HE DID IN THE LAND OF CARNAGE, AND THOUGH HE EMPLOYED ONE OF HIS MOST POWERFUL WEAPONS, THE SHOUT OF COURAGE, THE CAPTAIN WAS UNABLE TO SECURE VICTORY!! AFTER A GRUELING THREE DAY BATTLE IN THE SWELTERING QUICKEN LOANS ARENA, THE CAPTAIN WAS TOSSED OVERBOARD AND ELIMINATED FROM COMPETITION!!
MANY WOULD BE HEARTBROKEN AT BACK TO BACK FAILURES SUCH AS THESE, BEING DEFEATED IN MULTIPLE TOURNAMENTS DESIGNED FOR A WARRIOR OF THE CAPTAIN’S CONSTITUTION, BUT NOT YOUR CAPTAIN!! NOOOO!!!
THE CAPTAIN NEEDED BUT ONE REMINDER, ONE MEMORY TO SURFACE, THAT THE REMATCH HE HAS BEEN WAITING PATIENTLY FOR THIS PAST MONTH, STILL AWAITS AT HIS HOME SHOW ON UNIFIED GLOBAL WRESTLING COALITION’S CHIL THIS MONDAY!!
THE BUNNY-SHREW, WHO DOTH PROTEST OFTEN, HAS TAKEN UMBRAGE WITH HER DEFEAT AT YOUR CAPTAIN’S HANDS! THE FIRST MATES KNOW THE CAPTAIN IS A MAN OF VALOR, HONOR, INTEGRITY, AND GLISTENING MORALE, AND THAT HE WOULD HAVE HAPPILY EXTENDED A HAND OF FRIENDSHIP TOWARD THE ANGRY LINDSEY BUNNY AT MATCH’S END! WHY, THE CAPTAIN EVEN INVITED LINDSEY BUNNY ABOARD HIS AIRSHIP FALCOR FOR A TOUR OF THE NIGHT SKY AND ALL THE DIMENSIONS BEHIND ALL THE STARS!! YEAAHH!! THE CAPTAIN DOES NOT BEAR ILL WILL TOWARD ANY OF HIS CHILL BRETHREN OR SISTREN, AND BELIEVES THAT THEY CAN ALL BE HIS FIRST MATES AND LIVE IN A DREAM OF MUTUAL RESPECT AND HONOR WHILE CLASHING ON AN ENLIGHTENED FIELD OF BATTLE! YEAAAH!!
INSTEAD, LINDSEY BUNNY HAS CHOSEN TO SMACK AWAY THE POWERFUL HAND OF THE CAPTAIN, DENYING THE FIRST MATES A TOKEN GESTURE OF THE CAPTAIN’S POSITIVE ENERGY, AND DECLARED FOUL!!
AND SO, THIS MONDAY, ON THE UNIFIED GLOBAL WRESTLING COALITION’S OWN CLOSED CIRCUIT NETWORK, THE CAPTAIN AND LINDSEY BUNNY WILL MEET ONCE AGAIN, A SEQUEL TO THEIR PREVIOUS BATTLE OF DESTINY, TO SETTLE ONCE AND FOR ALL WHO IS THE MOST POWERFUL SOUL IN THE UNIFIED GLOBAL WRESTLING COALITION! WILL IT BE THE LEADER OF THE ZODIAC CLUB FOR ANIMAL LOVERS (EXCEPT SHEEP)?? OR WILL IT BE HE WHO HAS TOUCHED ALL THE CONSTELLATIONS WITH HIS VERY OWN FINGERTIPS FROM THE DECK OF THE FALCOR?? YOU MUST TUNE IN TO SEE!! YEAAH!!
Incredibly, the Captain only pauses just now to catch his breath. He marches across the room, which turns out to be a college lecture hall. As the Captain steps in front of the blackboard, the camera pans around to see at least two… no three thousand First Mates wearing headbands that match the Captain’s trademarked rising sun/anchor headband. Every seat is full, and many of the First Mates have to stand in the aisles and on the steps to fit.
The Captain reaches up his powerful, tasseled arm, and snags the bottom of the projection screen’s pull handle, dragging down what looks to be a map of the world, except covered over by a rather revealing, life-sized photo of Kelly Lebrock. The class roars with wolf whistles and cat calls, and the Captain gives an embarrassed grin as his cheeks turn red. He quickly yanks the bottom of the screen, sending it back up with a flap, and reaches up for another screen, this time pulling down a blank, white panel.
THE CAPTAIN HAD A LOT OF TIME TO THINK ABOUT HIS UPCOMING BATTLE WITH LINDSEY BUNNY WHILE HE CONVALESCED IN THE TURNEFFE ATOLL, AND HE COULDN’T HELP BUT THINK OF HOW MANY SEQUELS WERE SO MUCH BETTER THAN THE ORIGINAL BACK IN HIS DAY, NO MATTER HOW AMAZING THE FIRST INSTALLMENT WAS!!
THE CAPTAIN HAD A THRIVING ACTING CAREER, YOU SEE, AND STARRED IN MANY FEATURE LENGTH FILMS DURING THAT DECADE! YEAAHH!! AS A SPECIAL TREAT FOR THE CAPTAIN’S MANY FIRST MATES, HE HAS PREPARED A FILMSTRIP SHOWCASING HIS MANY PRESTIGIOUS SEQUELS!! YEAAHH!!
The Captain raises his massive left palm toward the ceiling, and lowers his head, closing his eyes. He begins bouncing his right leg, shaking his head side to side and getting his hair going. His head suddenly shoots up, and his eyes go wide as he stares at the ceiling. He closes his fist and drops his arm with flare, and the lights go down.
THE CAPTAIN’S FAVORITE GENRE IS SCIENCE FICTION, AND HE RELEASED MANY EPIC SPACE-FARING TALES IN HIS DAY!!
The filmstrip comes to life, and clips play from The Captain’s various films.
Skitters 2: The Main Course
Alien bounty hunters Honz (Terrance Mann) and Nik (Roxanne Kernohan) travel to earth with their human companion A. D. Capped (Jake Piper) to eradicate the threat of a batch of carnivorous hairballs known as Skitters. The Skitter population has grown to over 2000… no wait, 3000 hairballs, and threatens to wipe out Cleveland, Ohio.
YEAAH!! THE CAPTAIN FLEW ON HIS AIRSHIP TO THE MYSTICAL SKY ISLAND OF FELDMAN HAIM TO RETRIEVE NO LESS THAN TWO... NO, THREE THOUSAND DIRE GERBILS, WHO WERE THE REAL STARS OF THIS FILM AS THE SKITTERS!! WHAT A FUN ROMP!!
BunnieS
After floating in space for 57 years, Lt. Eighty’s (Jake Piper) ship is found by a deep space salvage team. Upon arriving at MM-286, the marines find only one survivor, a nine year old girl named Ice (Carrie Henn). But even these battle-hardened marines with all the latest weaponry are no match for the hundreds of bunnies that have invaded the colony.
AHOY!! MANY FIRST MATES MISTAKENLY CLASSIFY BUNNIES AS A HORROR FILM, BUT THE CAPTAIN BRINGS YOU THE TRUTH AND LIGHT, THIS WAS ONE OF THE BLOODIEST AND SCARIEST FILMS THE CAPTAIN HAS EVER WORKED ON, BUT IT IS INDEED SCIENCE FICTION!! ACCLAIMED ARTIS H. R. GIGER HIMSELF DESIGNED THE HORRIFYING BUNNIES THAT STALKED US THROUGH THAT SHIP, AND THEY’VE BECOME ICONIC SINCE THEN!! YEAAH!!
Space War: First Mates Strike Back
The adventure continues in this "Space War" sequel. Gozer Starsailor (Jake Piper), Hanson Danzo (Harrison Ford), Duchess Alicia (Carrie Fisher) and Chaosbacca (Peter Mayhew) face attack by the Zodiac’s forces and its SHE-EP walkers on the ice planet Owfth. While Hanson and Alicia escape in the Myriad Falcor, Gozer travels to Carnagobah in search of Gian. Only with the Gun-fu master's help will Gozer survive when the dark side of the Energy beckons him into the ultimate duel with Dark Bunny (David Prowse).
AS CRITICALLY ACCLAIMED AS THIS FILM WAS, THE CAPTAIN CAUGHT MUCH BACKLASH AT THE PRODUCER’S DECISION TO REPLACE THE VOICE OF DARK BUNNY WHEN THE ACTOR INSIDE HER BLACK CYBERNETIC BUNNY HELMET COULD BE HEARD COMPLAINING UNDER HER BREATH NONSTOP ON FILM!! REGARDLESS, THIS ONE GOES DOWN AS PERHAPS THE GREATEST SEQUEL OF THE CAPTAIN’S ILLUSTRIOUS CAREER!!
Space Track II: The Wrath of Diva
As Rear Admiral Key Master (Jake Piper) and Boson Shock (Leonard Nimoy) monitor trainees at Space Navy Academy, another vessel from the Unified Universal Tribunal of Universes is about to try out the planet-creating Genetoid Device in a seemingly deserted portion of space. In the process, two of Key's officers are captured by Diva (Ricardo Montalban), an enemy Key thought he'd never see again. Once more, Key takes the Falcor's helm, where he meets Diva’s ship in an intergalactic showdown.
YEAAH!! RIVALED ONLY BY SPACE WAR: FIRST MATES STRIKE BACK, SPACE TRACK II: THE WRATH OF DIVA WOULD RECORD ONE OF THE MOST PRESTIGIOUS, AND HEARTBREAKING PERFORMANCES OF ONE OF THE MOST BELOVED ACTORS OF OUR TIME: CAPTAIN 80S!!!
SPEAKING OF HORROR, THE CAPTAIN CERTAINLY DID HIS FAIR SHARE OF SPINE TINGLING MOVIES!
Chilltergeist II: The Other Show
The Curtjerks have escaped their haunted house, which is now being studied by paranormal investigators, including seafarer Capitan (Jake Piper). When Capitan realizes that the Bunny, masquerading as the Harvester Necron (Julian Beck), knows where young Cari Anne Curtjerk (Heather O'Rourke) now lives, he goes to warn the family that their daughter is in danger again. To protect Cari, her father, Hasting (Craig T. Nelson), and the rest of the family must plot to take down the Bunny.
OWWWW!!! THERE’S NOTHING MORE TERRIFYING IN A HORROR FILM THAN A CHILD!! NOW DON’T GET THE CAPTAIN WRONG, HE FEELS NOTHING BUT PRIDE FOR ALL THE YOUNG FIRST MATES WHO GAZE UP AT THE CLOUDS AT NIGHT, HOPING TO CATCH A GLIMPSE OF THE FALCOR SOARING THROUGH THE AIR, AND HE HOPES AGAINST HOPE THAT THEY TOO WILL ONE DAY JOIN HIM IN THE SKY WITH THEIR OWN AIRSHIPS, AN ILLUSTRIOUS ARMADA OF AMBITION AND PROMISE!!!
Easter II
After failing to kill stubborn survivor Captain 80s (Jake Piper) and taking a bullet or six from former psychiatrist Dr. Phrix Deimos (Donald Pleasence), Lindsey Myers (Dick Warlock) has followed the Captain to the Chilldonfield Memorial Hospital, where he's been admitted for Myers' attempt on his life. The institution proves to be particularly suited to serial killers, however, as Myers cuts, stabs and slashes her way through hospital staff to reach her favorite victim.
YOU JUST CAN’T KILL THAT LINDSEY MYERS!!! NO!! WAS SHE TRULY DEFEATED IN THE END, EVEN AFTER BEING PUT DOWN A SECOND TIME BY THE CAPTAIN?! WILL SHE SIMPLY CLIMB BACK OUT OF HER GRAVE AND CONTINUE TO TRY TO DESTROY THE INIMITABLE BEAUTY THAT IS THE CAPTAIN’S PULSING POWER?!?
PERHAPS THE CAPTAIN’S MOST MEMORABLE ROLES COME FROM THE GENRE HE’S BEST KNOWN FOR, ACTION ADVENTURE!!
Mad Cap 2: The Sky Warrior
After avenging the death of his wife and young son at the hands of a vicious gang leader, Cap (Jake Piper) pilots his airship through the post-apocalyptic skyways of the Arizona desert, fending off attacks from sky pirates that prey on outsiders. Docking at a chance sky-base led by the relatively peaceful Ichaboggalo (Mike Preston), Cap at first schemes to steal their rocket fuel, but soon becomes the group's reluctant defender against the hulking Bunungus (Kjell Nilsson) and his ruthless marauders.
THE CAPTAIN DOESN’T NORMALLY HAVE THE STOMACH FOR POST APOCALYPTIC DYSTOPIAN FUTURE STORIES, PREFERRING INSTEAD TO RIDE THE NEVERENDING WAVES OF GLORY EMANATING FROM HIS PAST AND HISTORY, BUT THIS FILM WOULD LEAD TO ONE OF THE MOST FUN AND ENTERTAINING THIRD FILMS IN THE CAPTAIN’S CAREER: MAD CAP: BEYOND WRESTLEDOME! TWO MEN ENTER, ONE MAN GETS PINNED OR SUBMITTED, REMEMBER?!
Captainman II
Captainman (Jake Piper) foils the plot of Russian spies by hurtling their nuclear device into outer space from the deck of his magic airship, but the bomb's shock waves free the Chilltonian villain General Bunny (Terence Stamp) and his henchmen Dragon (Sarah Douglas) and Tiger (Jack O'Halloran) from their imprisonment. Traveling to Earth, they threaten the planet with destruction at the same time that Captainman decides to renounce his superpowers in order to live a normal life as Jake Piper.
YEAAH!! PLAYING A SUPERHERO, ESPECIALLY THE WORLD’S MOST FAMOUS ONE, IS RIGHT UP THE CAPTAIN’S ALLEY!! THIS WAS THE ROLE THE CAPTAIN WAS BORN AND BRED TO PLAY!! BANISHING BUNNY, DRAGON, AND TIGER TO THE NEGATIVE ZONE WAS A FAVOR FOR THE ENTIRE HUMAN RACE, AND THE CAPTAIN WAS ALL TOO GLAD TO RID THE WORLD OF THEIR MENACE!!
The Wrestling Kid Part II
After learning that his father is dying, wrestling master Mr. Captain (Jake Piper) returns home to Fantasia, bringing his protege, Lindsey (Ralph Macchio), with him. On the shores of the Sea of Possibilities, Mr. Captain is surprised to discover that his old sweetheart, Yucky (Nobu McCarthy), has remained single. Meanwhile, Lindsey is attracted to Yucky's nephew, Holden (Tamlyn Tomita). But romance must be put on hold while Lindsey and Mr. Captain deal with local bullies and long-harbored grudges.
WAIT, THE CAPTAIN HAD A PROTÉGÉ NAMED LINDSEY?? THE CAPTAIN DOES NOT REMEMBER MAKING THIS FILM AT ALL!! NO!! WAS THIS THE ONE WHERE THE CAPTAIN SAVED THE CHILD-LIKE EMPRESS MOONCHILD?? WHY CAN’T HE REMEMBER THIS FILM?? MOVE ON, MOVE ON!!
Beverly Hills Cap II
The hard-nosed former naval captain-turned-cop from the original film returns to Los Angeles to help solve another case. This time he must direct his efforts towards unravelling the Zodiac Crimes, a series of robberies committed by animal-themed punks. The investigation puts him on the trail of the killer from the San Francisco Bay Area who terrorized during the late 60’s, and hijinks ensue.
THAT ONE TOOK A WEIRD TURN!! YEAAHH!! THE ZODIAC BANDITS DID EVERYTHING THEY POSSIBLY COULD TO RETURN THE ATTENTION OF THE FILM TO THEM, BUT THEY WERE ALREADY QUICKLY FORGOTTEN!!
Return to Destiny Part II
The second installment in the Return to Destiny trilogy. The film stars Jake Piper, Christopher Lloyd, Thomas F. Wilson, and Lea Thompson. In the plot, Quatre-vingts McFly (Piper) and his friend Professor Emil "Prof" Byron (Lloyd) travel to 2018, where bully Bunny Tanner (Wilson) steals Prof’s clipper-ship time machine and uses it to alter history for the worse.
YEAAHH!! DID YOU FIRST MATES REALIZE THAT THE CAPTAIN WROTE THE SCRIPT FOR THIS FILM HIMSELF?? DRAWING HIS AGELESS KNOWLEDGE OF THE FOLDS OF TIME, THE CAPTAIN DESIGNED A REPLICA OF HIS OWN FLUX CAPACITOR TO POWER THE CLIPPER SHIP, AND CAREFULLY CRAFTED A WELL THOUGHT OUT AND NOT AT ALL CONVOLUTED OR CONFUSING STORY ABOUT THE DANGERS OF MEDDLING WITH THE STRANDS OF FATE!! ONLY A TRUE PILOT CAN NAVIGATE THE TUNNELS OF TIME, AND AFTER VIEWING THIS FILM, THE WORLD TRULY UNDERSTOOD THAT FOR THE FIRST TIME!!
DESPITE THE CAPTAIN’S BULGING PECS AND QUADRICEPS, DESPITE HIS GOLDEN CRISP SPRAY ON TAN, DESPITE HIS CAREFULLY COIFED WATERFALL OF YELLOW HAIR, NOT ALL OF HIS ROLES DEMANDED HIM TO MIX IT UP WITH CRIMINALS, EXTRA-TERRESTRIALS, SUPER VILLAINS, THE UNDEAD, GHOSTS, AND BULLIES!! THE CAPTAIN COULD ALSO DO DRAMA!! YEAAH!! CHECK OUT THESE OFFERINGS!!
The Color of Bunny
Former pool hustler "Jack Rabbit" Lindsey (Paul Newman) decides she wants to return to the game by taking a pupil. She meets talented but green Ocho Cero (Jake Piper) and proposes a partnership. As they tour pool halls, Rabbit teaches Ocho the tricks of scamming, but he eventually grows frustrated with Ocho's showboat antics, leading to an argument and a falling-out. Rabbit takes up playing again and soon crosses paths with Ocho as an opponent.
WAIT!! THE CAPTAIN HAD A MENTOR NAMED LINDSEY?? THE CAPTAIN DOES NOT REMEMBER MAKING THIS FILM AT ALL!! NO!! WAS THIS THE ONE WHERE THE CAPTAIN LED A TEAM OF PRECOCIOUS KIDS AND CYNDI LAUPER INTO THE TUNNELS BENEATH OUR TOWN TO DISCOVER A PIRATE SHIP FULL OF GOLD AND SAVED THE TOWN FROM EVIL CORPORATE PROPERTY DEVELOPERS, ALL WHILE DEFEATING THE FRATELLIS?? WHY CAN’T HE REMEMBER THIS FILM?? MOVE ON, MOVE ON!!
Flyin’ Alive
Six years after his glittering triumph in the breakdance contest of "Monday Night Cold Chill," an older and wiser Cap’n Eightiero (Jake Piper) works as a serious dance teacher in New York City and dreams of making it on Broadway. Eightiero gets his shot when his girlfriend, Janie (Cynthia Rhodes), gets him an audition for a daring new show called "Bunny’s Last Standing.”
YEAAHH!! THE CAPTAIN GOT TO SHOW OFF HIS AMAZING DANCING SKILLS IN THIS FOLLOW UP FEATURE!! I MUST SAY, THAT WAS ONLY THE BACKDROP FOR A FILM FILLED WITH THE YOUNG ADULT ANGST OF TRYING TO FIND YOUR PLACE IN THE WORLD, CHASING YOUR DREAMS, AND LEAVING BEHIND THE CARELESS AND IRRESPONSIBLE DAYS OF YOUR YOUTH!! THE CAPTAIN KNOWS ALL TOO WELL WHAT IT MEANS TO BE THRUST MULLET FIRST INTO ADULTHOOD, WITH FAME AND FORTUNE ACTING AS THE KEY TO A WORLD OF DRUGS, UNPROTECTED SEX, AND NOT REWINDING VIDEO CASSETTE TAPES BEFORE RETURNING THEM TO THE BLOCKBUSTER VIDEO!! YEAH!! THE CAPTAIN WOULD LIKE TO REMIND ALL HIS YOUNG FIRST MATES THAT YOUR LIFE IS THE SUM OF YOUR CHOICES, AND IF YOU ARE LIKE THE CAPTAIN, YOU WILL CHOOSE TO LIVE YOUR LIFE CLEAN AND GRAB ADULT LIFE BY THE HORNS, STARE IT RIGHT IN THE EYES, GET UP REAL CLOSE, NOSE TO NOSE, AND YELL RIGHT IN LIFE’S UGLY FACE:
The Captain begins to pace back and forth in front of the lecture hall, working his First Mates up into a frenzy. He gesticulates madly, arms describing great looping arcs, stopping now and then to point at nothing in particular.
YOU LISTEN HERE, LIFE!! YOU ARE NOT GOING TO BEAT ME! I AM A FIRST MATE IN THE CAPTAIN’S ARMADA, AND I REFUSE TO LET YOUR NEGATIVITY, HATE, GREED, AND SELF LOATHING INTERFERE WITH MY FLIGHT!! MY HEART IS MY COMPASS, MY WILL IS MY SEXTANT, MY DREAMS ARE MY SPYGLASS, AND THE CAPTAIN IS MY PILOT!! NOTHING CAN STOP ME, NOTHING CAN TAKE THE WIND FROM MY SAILS, AND NOTHING WILL WAKE THE ARMADA FROM ITS GLORIOUS DREAM!!
At this, the Captain, who has leaped onto the top of the desk on the small stage, spins around, his footwork knocking papers, pencils, and various office supplies to the floor. When his back is to the First Mates, he leans way back, cranking his arms up at the elbows and popping his thumbs out to point at his hair once more. He roars out, unleashing his Shout of Courage, which shakes the very foundations of the hall:
YEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!!!
The First Mates are on their feet in a heartbeat, giving the Captain a thunderous standing ovation as the scene fades.
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