Post by cooltubesource on Jun 29, 2018 18:12:59 GMT -5
The albino pigeon enjoys the sunshine as she flies through the Texas sky. Being native to the cold climates of Maine, she did not get much in the way of this kind of heat, and while she would certainly never want to move there, the visit was nice. Down through Dallas and Fort Worth, through Austin and into San Antonio, the pigeon flew towards the TBD Ranch, and tried to suppress an avian giggle. Rumor had it that the homeowner had come up with numerous names for the Ranch Formerly Known as Brahma Bull, but each time the owner had come up with something like “Bunny Ranch” or “Cherry Patch” and not understanding why everyone laughed at her choices.
Down the pigeon flew, low to the ground so that the flowers could tickle its belly. Swooping towards the porch of the large farmhouse where its target sat on a swing, the creaking from it moving back and forth piercing the air. The pigeon lands on the swing next to the Leggy Blonde of Legend, making sure to keep a wary eye out for chocolate treats, and gives a deep bow before offering her leg and the piece of paper wrapped tightly around it. A squeal of delight pealed the air as the Vaughnemous One clapped her hands, gently pet the top of the bird’s head, and retrieved her letter.
Angelica, I love you.
Seriously. Unlike that weirdo desperation from Stupid Roxy, “PLEASE LOVE ME SO THAT I CAN BE VALIDATED AND NOT JUST A TERRIBLE HUMAN BEING,” you really ARE my best friend. Well, that I’m not married to, anyway. You know what I mean. N-E-Ways...you and I have had a connection from the moment we met going into your debut in Ladies All Star back in July of last year. Remember the pictures that Mackenzie took of us on that beach in Honolulu? I KNEW that we were destined to be more than just competitors. I KNEW that we were destined to be more than simply being in the same place at the same time. We were something special. And we were. When we all sat at that table after the show the next month, when we all went out to that sports bar and shot pool, I knew what we were. We were too cool for the room.
You and I have been there together, going up and down the roads, for nearly a year. We have seen each other through the ups and downs of this sport, with victories to fill us with pride and losses to crush us with shame. Hell, we’ve both even lost to Tolson! How the fuck did THAT happen?! We have seen each other through being called unbalanced, having non arrr pees (whatever those are) and get buried by the fed head because we beat the champ clean when we weren’t supposed to. And through all of this, through all of our adventures and fights, I can say this with all confidence, knowledge, and that aforementioned love:
You don’t have it in you.
Now, I’m NOT saying that you don’t have the ability to wrestle across multiple days to win a tournament. Hell, I was in the front row with my Beloved when you won the Rose City Grand Prix! And I’m also NOT saying that you don’t have it in you to be a champ, obvs, because you are the champion of ALL of Mexico AND somehow dragged Stupid Roxy to a Co Op championship here in the Coalition. I’m not even saying that you don’t have it in you to win this tournament and then parlay that momentum into more gold here, perhaps even the world title.
So, what AM I saying?
That you don’t have it in you…
...to beat me.
See, that’s the reality you face if you make it to the final on Day Four. You have to face me. And we BOTH know that, in order to beat me, you have to dig in so deep into your soul that you bring up the very fires of hell. Within this company, the ONLY people to beat me have been Lucy Wylde and Robin Daggers, and the only reason The DUC beat me was because Lucy blasted me on the outside. LUCY has the ability to beat me. LUCY has the ability to grab that fire and take me down for three seconds.
You don’t.
Every time you face someone who would require you to dig down deep, you have only your shallow well of anger with which to batte. Blackstar? Taken down by a madwoman in a monster truck (whatever the hell THAT was about). Tolson? How many times did she beat you clean? The Court? A momentary ray of light before they extinguished the little good Stupid Roxy has within her. For nearly a year we have fought together, side-by-side, brought together by the goals which embody our little group, and I have seen you time and again NOT be able to get the job done with you REALLY needed to.
Its not that you lack the heart, Angelica. You don’t even lack the fire. You lack the willingness to do what MUST be done. You lack the willingness to throw away caution and decency and FUCK A BITCH UP. THAT is why you will not be able to beat me. If you DID have that ability to toss aside your reservations, you would have punched Stupid Roxy in the face for REPEATEDLY going against your wishes with Maxine. If you DID have that strength, you would have dropped Ava on her head every time you have fought her. If you DID have that strength, you would have slammed that fucking hammer INTO THE BITCH’S HEAD and SMILED while doing it! Instead, you dropped it to the mat and walked away. What happened to “Which is why you need to be put down?!” You had the opportunity to do it and you let it fall out of your hand.
You are not going to be able to beat me, Angelica. Because I WOULD have smashed that hammer into her head. I WOULD have dropped her into the Abyss. I WOULD have walked out the match as the winner. And if you can’t do that, if you can’t let the hammer fall when you NEED to?
You are NEVER going to beat me.
I love you, Angelica.
But I WILL become the first 2-time WrestleStock Open Cup winner.
Your obedient friend,
S.S.G-L
One of the oddest things about the United Global Wrestling Coalition, besides the weird name in the first place, is the secretiveness of the Consortium. Who are they? Has anyone ever actually seen them? Did the Court totally rip off the gimmick of hidden figures behind owl masks from the reality that the Consortium is unknown? Why is it that every single newcomer, EVERY SINGLE ONE, has to ask WHERE the Synergy shows are held? Why isn’t this information available right away? Why the secrecy?
Another question was asked recently: Is there a physical Hall of Fame?
The answer was, as might well be assumed, was pretty much:
“Uhhhhhhhhhhh”
Thankfully for all of you viewers at home, the answer was found to be a resounding:
“Yes! There absolutely IS a physical Hall of Fame for the plaques handed out at WrestleStock and this place absolutely ALWAYS existed and was NOT just thought about for the first time last week!”
Located (somewhere) in Chicago, the UGWC Hall of Fame did indeed house all of the awards, relics, memorabilia, and old title belts from GIW and LWF. It had a restaurant where old men could talk about how much better things were when REAL stars were around back in the GOOD OLD DAYS when wrestling was REALLY HOT and probably going through that shitty hardcore phase where you didn’t need talent and all the actual good stars ended up with extremely short careers because of having to drop each other on their heads every night in order to please selfish fans. And naked Mideon. THE GOOD OLD DAYS. It also included a walkthrough area of the history of UGWC, giving a timeline of when people who are jobbers now were stars, with the special treat of that room being the Hall of Creative Directors, which lists all of the accomplishments of every person to hold that position. Hastings section is, as you can imagine, the most well-lit and maintained.
It is this area that we find ourselves submerged, truly SUBMERGED, in a group of visitors to the Hall of Fame. A group of teenagers, mostly girls between the ages of 12 and 15, whose incessant use of shorthand words like “totes,” “lol,” “legit,” and the newest thing, “ubes,” would make anyone over the age of 21 have a splitting headache. The group is a sea of tshirts with weird sayings like “Please, Shit Up” and “Bleed the World Tour,” black armbands that say “I STAND WITH SARAH!” and a mixture of kitty- and bunny-ear headgear.
That’s right, it is a gathering of the Fang Gang.
“C’mon, keep it moving! I may be rich and all because of Daddy, but there is ubes totes legit no way I am paying the insurance on if I lose one of you!”
Their matron, 20-year-old Sarah Selena Grey-Lacklan, stands at the head of the group, waving her arms and shepherding her charges as a mother hen her chicks. Sarah is dressed in the way we have all come to know was the “Lacklander Style,” which no doubt STILL makes Maggie ask “What in the HELL are you wearing?!” The albino’s platinum hair is pulled up into it usual “out on the town” high bun and her dark and overly large wing makeup is on point to show off her odd red irises, which themselves are magnified by the thick glasses resting on the bridge of her nose. She wears a black and green gown that covers just about every inch of her body as it falls to the floor, and a matching parasol is in her hand and crooked in her shoulder to help ward the sun away from her sensitive skin.
“No, really, let’s go! Its time for the main event of the evening!”
The flock of Fang Gangers, possibly the biggest Fang Gang that Chicago has ever seen, follow their matron with the small steps of excitement that can only be created with an abundance of pixie sticks stirred into all-syrup slushies. They follow the waving hand of Sarah, which holds a Starbucks cup filled with an iced caramel mocchiato with two shots of esspresso upside down, obvs, past a few of the displays until they reach one of the newer wings of the building.
“Check this out!”
Sarah’s high-pitched Londoner accent is full of glee as she uses her parasol to point out the line WrestleStock Open Cups.
“Now, WAY before any of you were born, because just about everyone in this company is, like, way old, like WAAAAYYYYY old and in their 30’s and have been wrestling for, like, EVER, the WrestleStock was just about bringing a bunch of people into the Coalition to celebrate the artistry of our sport, or something. But! Oh...BUT! Four years ago, they decided to do this coolio tournament because, ya know, tournaments are legit cray, ya know?”
A sea of bobbing heads meet her words as she motions towards the first trophy.
“Now, this one right here, the first one? Won by some dude named Jesse. Now, I’ve never met Jess, because I would have been, like 17 or something at the time, and that’s just ew, ya know? But it only takes a few seconds to look up a name and see where they fight and where they are from, but it still seems like people can’t figure that out. Like, there is this one dude named JC, right? Like, he thinks he’s all badass ‘cause he calls himself Joe Cool, right? N-E-Way, I have legit seen him play the ‘Who are you?’ card that just shows how much of a pathetic piece of shit he is as a competitor, ya know, because at least 25 percent of what we do is research, ya know? Like, looking at youtube videos of our opponents to see what their strengths and weaknesses are, looking at videos of yourself in order to figure out how to use what you do against your next opponent, videos about the history of the sport, stuff like that, right? Right, so, this JC dude is one of those guys who thinks that they don’t need to actually give a flying fuck who their opponent is, or even what the rules of their match are, because FUCK respecting the Coalition, right? I mean, you’d figure that if someone specifically ASKED for a match on the second Chill, BEGGED for a match against someone who isn’t on the brand, and then when getting to wrestle freakin’ ORSEN, they’d give a damn about the rules and respecting the company? NOPE!
“Then again, Dipshit, which is totes JC’s name now, #ItsAThing, likes opening his dumbass mouth and talking about things he has no idea about because he thinks he’s some badass. Like, this one time? I mentioned him in a vlog because he was legit one of, like, seven people on my timeline that tossed out random challenges for no reason when they don’t even work for the company, and I made him look dumb, right? So, he’s all ‘I only knew about it because someone who freakin’ STALKS YOU told me about it and your career in UGWC is useless and a waste of time.’ But then one of my interns over at #CoolRankings totes clowns the dude by presenting the math problem about how all of my whoopass accomplishments in six months amounts to useless. Legit, everyone bust your phones and check out the tweet one of my interns just retweeted.”
As, the sea of Fang Gangers bust out their phones to check out the, lets face it, legitmately clowing that CoolTubeSource did on that poor old man JC for opening his dumbass mouth.
Much giggling from the Fang Gangers ensued as Sarah moved her attention to the second trophy.
“N-E-Ways! Moving on and we see that the winner the second year was the captain of the S.S. Chug Boat herself, Kem Dynamo. Now, if you all recall, THIS is the trophy that CJ Wylde, another loudmouth dipshit who has a legacy more about crying than winner called a participation trophy. I bet that he was PISSED when I brought that up at the Melee, since when I later went to beat his ex-wife, it just de-legited everything they stood for as a team. Mind you, Chugasoarous herself wasn’t able to take her WrestleStock Open victory and do anything with it and she just kinda faded into obscurity for a year and a half, only recently coming up out of the lagoon like Nessie. Well, if Nessie let herself go and tripled her size, anyway.”
More giggling from the Fang Gangers as Sarah moved on to the third and final trophy in the case.
“But most importantly! We have the GREATEST WrestleStock Cup of them all! Why, if you look closely, you will see that it matches the GREATEST Cross-Hemisphere title over in the title belt wing because of the sexiest name in ALL of wrestling...MINE! Of course, I still had my maiden name when I won the thing, but that’s neither here nor there. Now, this is CLEARLY the MOST important part of the tour, since no one really cares about all of those old people who wrestled way back when I was a kid, so I figure now would be a great time to transition to the Q&A portion of the day. Who wants to ask me a question?”
The sea of Fang Gangers burst into hands shooting into the air faster than Hermione in that first potions class in Philosopher’s Stone. Sarah seemingly points at one of the girls.
“How excited are you to win your second WrestleStock Open Cup?”
“Totes ubes, obvs! I mean, its never been done before, and since I like doing coolio stuff that people don’t think I can do, its great motivation to go in there and shut up the haters. Like I usually do. Next!”
“Are you worried that you might have to face off against Kenzi or Angie?”
“Oh, Heavens no! I look FORWARD to it! No lie, the #CoolKids are the bestest of friends, even when you count Stupid Roxy, and ESPECIALLY when you factor in how Mil and Sav aren’t around any more. And while a LOT of what we do is train together and talk shop, we aren’t afraid of facing one another, even IF it hasn’t actually happened yet. Well, there might have been some kind of tag match in there somewhere over in LAW, but fuck if I remember. N-E-Ways, the three of us bring out the best in one another, in AND out of the ring, and, lets face it, if it ends up being a triple threat final like it was last year, and the three of us are in the ring, then we will obvs have THE BEST match in the entire festival!”
She gives an exaggerated wink.
“A match that I’m going to win. Obvs. Next!”
“Where IS Kenzi, anyway?”
“What? She’s right in the back. Say hello, Beloved!”
All of the heads turn...but there is no Kenzi. Sarah scrunches her eyes up in confusion.
“Beloved?”
Nothing.
“Mackenzie! Where are you?!”
A sea of confused faces. Sarah growls and then whips out her phone, the fingers capped off by black nails lacquered with red flames tapping quickly.
Sarah gives one of her patented Massive Eye Rolls of DOOM as she puts her phone back in her purse.
“Whatever. HER loss! Next question!”
“Outside of your fellow #CoolKids, are there any other people you might be worried about in the tournament?”
“Yeah, right. Listen, when I came into this thing last year, my first round opponents were facing off against Rey Lobo and Ichabod in a triple threat. Now, while I still don’t think the puppy has done anything since then that anyone has ever cared about since, like, ever, Ichy is the shit, yo! I knew that THEN and I STILL talked shit on him and said that beating him in that match was going to be as easy as dunking on a little person in a basketball game. Now, Ichy DID decide to basically throw that match and prefered to watch me whoop Rey’s ass, but, lets be honest here, I would have beat him, too. And looking over the rest of the field this year, there is NO ONE, outside of my BFFs, anway, even NEAR Ichy’s level.
“Seriously, am I supposed to be afraid of Captain 80’s? I mean, sure, he’s hilarious, and him running out of characters in a tweet and not realizing it is great, but I’ve seen the Captain Steroid work and I know that he can’t last more than a few seconds. And if anyone has ever seen ME wrestle, you know that I can go all night. And that’s what Kenzi said!”
The lack of laughter from the crowd reminds Sarah that most of her rabid fans are too young to get the sexual comment. She pulls at the collar of her dress and mumbles about a “tough crowd.”
“Er...yeah...if I was him, I would be more worried about Stupid Roxy tackling him out of nowhere and giving him a whole different ocean to swim his boat in, if you know what I mean.”
Blank stares let her know that, no, her crowd did NOT know what she meant by Roxy’s fangirling “NOTICE ME SENPAI” lust for the Captain.
“I’m also not afraid of the dude in the metal mask, since the athletic commission will most def step in and be all ‘um...yeah...you can’t wear that…’ and he’ll probably get busted open with one of my legit amazeballs kicks and then cry a river so wide he drowns in it. Now, I’m sure he’ll drop some 27 minute promotional video about how amazeballs he is and include some epic backstory that legit NO ONE will care about and everyone by a Dynamo will just fast forward through, but all that is going to mean for the dude is an opportunity to get past the Captain, since Stupid Roxy will no doubt wear him out in the back ahead of time, and then BLAMO! Right into one of my kicks.
“Oh! Speaking of the Dynamos! Kem’s dad is there! Now, he is a guy that I am REALLY not worried about because we’re talking about a dude who lacks the foresight to NOT call himself Kid! Legit seriously, that’s like getting a tattoo of a spider on your face and saying ‘I am ALWAYS gonna love this!’ Just like Kid Rock, Dynamo has to deal with being a man in his 40’s who every calls Kid. And then laugh behind his back. And then laugh in his face for being a chubby chaser. Well, I assume, anyway, because he’s in pretty good shape and his daughter is, like, Shamu, so he MUST be all UP in the fatties, ya know? N-E-Way, I’m sure people are gonna be all ‘BUT HE HAS WONZ 27 CHAMPIONSHIPS HOW CAN YOU TALK SHIT YOU IZ A BAD GUY’ but, like, so has Dave Rydell, and you don’t see people giving HIM any props, ya know? So, yeah, not worried about a guy who clearly lacks the self confidence to work on a better ring name and find something less than 400 pounds to stick it into!”
“But what about your first round opponent Mizore? Are you worried about her?”
“What? Of course not! I...ya know, maybe I shouldn’t say anything else. I mean, you guys wouldn't want me to cut a promo here, would you?”
“DO IT! DO IT! DO IT!”
“Naw, I really shouldn’t, I mean-”
“CUT A PROMO!” CLAP CLAP CLAP-CLAP-CLAP “CUT A PROMO!” CLAP CLAP CLAP-CLAP-CLAP “CUT A PROMO!” CLAP CLAP CLAP-CLAP-CLAP “CUT A PROMO!” CLAP CLAP CLAP-CLAP-CLAP
“Okay okay, I’ll do it! Since you must twist my arm! Get those cameras out so everyone can watch it.”
A sea of cameras capture Sarah as she smiles.
‘Sup, Mizore! Who’d a thunk that you and I would face off against each other in freakin’ UGWC, right? Like, #MindBlown, ya know? Like, legit, I NEVER would have thought that, after knocking Maya THE FUCK out with a Shining Wizard last year in Ladies All Star that I would get the chance to do the same thing to her girl! What an AWESOME business we are in, ya know?!
Know what I find funny? You telling E-Black that I’m gonna be one of your toughest challenges to date. Now, I find that funny because you obvs have NO idea what you are walking into! You are facing off against the WINNER of last year’s WrestleStock Open and the GREATEST Cross-Hemisphere champ of all time (just ask Lucy, she LOVES talking about it). You are facing off with the person who set the Coalition on FIRE last year and who made everyone go “ON SNAP! WE BE FUUUUUUUU-” when I dropped my promotional video right before the Melee.
What? What do you MEAN ‘what promo?’ Oh, that’s right. You and your little group of misfits were so busy getting off on each other’s obscurity to realize that not only was one of the biggest matches in the Coalition season coming up, you COMPLETELY missed out on THE BEST promotional video going into it! Now, I KNOW that you aren’t gonna do CRAP as far as doing any real research for this thing, so let me give you a little summary of what I had to say to you last time around:
You ain’t shit.
I mean that from the bottom of my heart, Mizore. You and your little anime reject club? You guys with your epileptic seizure-causing videos from the 90s are an embarrassment in a sport filled with “large than life” personalities and that should tell you something. Totes legit, I would have killed, FUCKING KILLED, to have been healthy enough to be in the Trios Tournament alongside Angelica and Stupid Roxy, which we probs would have won if that was the case, and YOU and your der hur friends get knocked out right out the gate.
Know what’s REALLY funny about that and, lets face it, your entire career in the Coalition so far?
I beat your girl when she flew through the air, crushed to the ground, and got a knee driven into her head. And that is EXACTLY how your career here has been. Check it:
You volunteer for the Trios and come flying in like everyone else, full of hope and prayers, if not piss and vinegar. You soared! You flew! And then BLAM! Face down into the mat. Now, a GREAT wrestler would have gotten up and succeeded after that. Legit, last year I beat Robin Daggers in the finale of this tournament and what has she done since then? SHIT LOADS! She may be a DUC, but she got up after landing on her face and has won a bunch of titles. But you? What did you do after you flopped on your face after the Trios?
Stayed down on the mat and got kicked in the teeth over and over again. Legit, the only people on the roster who have taken more losses than you are people like Rydell and T-Pie...and you’ve only been here half the time! When I’M only here half the time, I do things like win titles and get nominated for awards!
And now you are in MY tournament?! You think you can just doo-to-doo-to-doo into MY WrestleStock Open with your shitty cartoon curtain-jerking routine? F that, ho! I am going to run across that ring...slower, I’ll admit, because of the braces…put my foot on your knee, push myself up, and drive my knee into your face and knock your ass out. Just like I did to Maya last year. And hopefully, HOPEFULLY, that is the LAST we see of this dumbass loser routine of yours. HOPEFULLY, you take the hint that you can’t do JACK at this level and head back down to some farm league like your EWE.
THAT is what awaits you, sweetheart. Your lot in this tournament is just like your lot in life: Way over your head with no chance to even stand up. You are a low-tier fighter drawing a thoroughbred star in the first round: You have no hope.
That’s reality, love. This isn’t some fairytale where the underdog wins. This isn’t a cartoon where the problem is resolved within the 22-minute run-time. This isn’t the time when the hero is in peril right before the commercial and then miraculously gets out of harm’s way when the show comes back on. This is you going against someone who is genetically superior to you in every way who is going to beat you up so bad that you will PRAY that I put you into a coma to be beside Maya.
I WILL win my second WrestleStock Open Cup. I WILL beat down every person in front of me. I WILL earn that title shot again. And believe you mean, I am going to ENJOY making your lights go out.
Mind the flames.
The pigeon shakes with fear as it lands on the table in front of its query. It was afraid of the Owls. Every pigeon was afraid of the Owls. But the pigeon loved the Matron of Pigeons, had a breast with a heart full of appreciation for her, and so the pigeon did what it must. With a bow to the brunette, she offered her foot for her note to be taken.
Eden no doubt gave one of the world’s most suffering sighs ever as she saw the note. Only ONE person sent hand-written notes by carrier pigeon. Only ONE person could be annoying enough to naturally use Comic Sans. Only ONE.
Oh Auntie EEEEEEEEdeeeeeeeeen!
I hope this letter finds you in good health. You STILL haven’t had me and my Beloved over for tea (need to fix that!), so I wasn’t exactly sure where you live, so I simply told Winefred (that’s the pigeon) to find the most unnecessarily Gothic castle she could find, probably with a moat and, like, towers n’ shit, and you would be there. Welp, if you are reading this, then BLAMO! I was totes right!
So, I just wanted to say a couple of things to my ubes legit favorite Auntie. First, thanks SO MUCH for working with the #CoolKidsRPG team so that you could be included in the game! Like, most of our motion-capture maping only took a couple of hours, but you spending DAYS with them to make sure that your character was PERFECT was a real sweet thing. Legit, I don’t know WHY A-Wall keeps jumping you lately. You’re, like, the totes best EVER, ya know?! Thanks for legit making it a thing!
N-E-Way, the other thing I wanted to do was give you a heads up about something:
So, I am FIRMLY convinced that you and my #OutLastBuddy4Life Jet are gonna retain your Co Op titles at WresteStock. Like, I loves me some Zane and all, but you two SO have this. Mostly because of you. Obvs. And I am FIRMLY convinced that I am going to walk out of Day 4 as the first EVER 2-time WrestleStock Open Cup winner because, well, that’s what I do, ya know? And that, ya know, gives me a title shot. Now, last year, I went after Lucy and the Cross-Hemisphere title because I totally dug what she was doing with her hair at the time and that whole hugging bit was GREAT, ya know? Oh, and that whole “I WANTZ WHAT YOU HAZ” bit. I didn’t win that match, unfortunately, but I learned a lot of lessons, and that helped me win the title later, and that’s all coolio.
But this year? When I win the ‘Stock THIS year?
I’m coming for the Co Op titles.
Truth be told, I probably would have gone after them last year if Mackenzie was up for it. I mean, Team Kickass is, like, totes badass, and UBES hard to beat, but she was all focused on the dumpster fire that LAW was being. And, yeah, I DID get her to be my anchor for Outlast, but this year is WAY different. She just, like, beat the snot out of my step-mom for me and is getting into MMA (which is WAY FUCKING HAWT OMG), so she’s all kinds of whoopass right now.
And that means we’re going to beat you.
N-E-Ways, just wanted to give you that heads-up. So, hold onto those titles for me, m’kay? Give them some kisses, and hug them REAL tight so that Mackenzie and I can still feel your warmth on them, still smell your perfume on them. Because they are SO gonna be ours in a month or two.
Loooooooove youuuuuuuuuuu
Your obedient (and favorite!) niece,
S.S.G-L
Down the pigeon flew, low to the ground so that the flowers could tickle its belly. Swooping towards the porch of the large farmhouse where its target sat on a swing, the creaking from it moving back and forth piercing the air. The pigeon lands on the swing next to the Leggy Blonde of Legend, making sure to keep a wary eye out for chocolate treats, and gives a deep bow before offering her leg and the piece of paper wrapped tightly around it. A squeal of delight pealed the air as the Vaughnemous One clapped her hands, gently pet the top of the bird’s head, and retrieved her letter.
Angelica, I love you.
Seriously. Unlike that weirdo desperation from Stupid Roxy, “PLEASE LOVE ME SO THAT I CAN BE VALIDATED AND NOT JUST A TERRIBLE HUMAN BEING,” you really ARE my best friend. Well, that I’m not married to, anyway. You know what I mean. N-E-Ways...you and I have had a connection from the moment we met going into your debut in Ladies All Star back in July of last year. Remember the pictures that Mackenzie took of us on that beach in Honolulu? I KNEW that we were destined to be more than just competitors. I KNEW that we were destined to be more than simply being in the same place at the same time. We were something special. And we were. When we all sat at that table after the show the next month, when we all went out to that sports bar and shot pool, I knew what we were. We were too cool for the room.
You and I have been there together, going up and down the roads, for nearly a year. We have seen each other through the ups and downs of this sport, with victories to fill us with pride and losses to crush us with shame. Hell, we’ve both even lost to Tolson! How the fuck did THAT happen?! We have seen each other through being called unbalanced, having non arrr pees (whatever those are) and get buried by the fed head because we beat the champ clean when we weren’t supposed to. And through all of this, through all of our adventures and fights, I can say this with all confidence, knowledge, and that aforementioned love:
You don’t have it in you.
Now, I’m NOT saying that you don’t have the ability to wrestle across multiple days to win a tournament. Hell, I was in the front row with my Beloved when you won the Rose City Grand Prix! And I’m also NOT saying that you don’t have it in you to be a champ, obvs, because you are the champion of ALL of Mexico AND somehow dragged Stupid Roxy to a Co Op championship here in the Coalition. I’m not even saying that you don’t have it in you to win this tournament and then parlay that momentum into more gold here, perhaps even the world title.
So, what AM I saying?
That you don’t have it in you…
...to beat me.
See, that’s the reality you face if you make it to the final on Day Four. You have to face me. And we BOTH know that, in order to beat me, you have to dig in so deep into your soul that you bring up the very fires of hell. Within this company, the ONLY people to beat me have been Lucy Wylde and Robin Daggers, and the only reason The DUC beat me was because Lucy blasted me on the outside. LUCY has the ability to beat me. LUCY has the ability to grab that fire and take me down for three seconds.
You don’t.
Every time you face someone who would require you to dig down deep, you have only your shallow well of anger with which to batte. Blackstar? Taken down by a madwoman in a monster truck (whatever the hell THAT was about). Tolson? How many times did she beat you clean? The Court? A momentary ray of light before they extinguished the little good Stupid Roxy has within her. For nearly a year we have fought together, side-by-side, brought together by the goals which embody our little group, and I have seen you time and again NOT be able to get the job done with you REALLY needed to.
Its not that you lack the heart, Angelica. You don’t even lack the fire. You lack the willingness to do what MUST be done. You lack the willingness to throw away caution and decency and FUCK A BITCH UP. THAT is why you will not be able to beat me. If you DID have that ability to toss aside your reservations, you would have punched Stupid Roxy in the face for REPEATEDLY going against your wishes with Maxine. If you DID have that strength, you would have dropped Ava on her head every time you have fought her. If you DID have that strength, you would have slammed that fucking hammer INTO THE BITCH’S HEAD and SMILED while doing it! Instead, you dropped it to the mat and walked away. What happened to “Which is why you need to be put down?!” You had the opportunity to do it and you let it fall out of your hand.
You are not going to be able to beat me, Angelica. Because I WOULD have smashed that hammer into her head. I WOULD have dropped her into the Abyss. I WOULD have walked out the match as the winner. And if you can’t do that, if you can’t let the hammer fall when you NEED to?
You are NEVER going to beat me.
I love you, Angelica.
But I WILL become the first 2-time WrestleStock Open Cup winner.
Your obedient friend,
S.S.G-L
One of the oddest things about the United Global Wrestling Coalition, besides the weird name in the first place, is the secretiveness of the Consortium. Who are they? Has anyone ever actually seen them? Did the Court totally rip off the gimmick of hidden figures behind owl masks from the reality that the Consortium is unknown? Why is it that every single newcomer, EVERY SINGLE ONE, has to ask WHERE the Synergy shows are held? Why isn’t this information available right away? Why the secrecy?
Another question was asked recently: Is there a physical Hall of Fame?
The answer was, as might well be assumed, was pretty much:
“Uhhhhhhhhhhh”
Thankfully for all of you viewers at home, the answer was found to be a resounding:
“Yes! There absolutely IS a physical Hall of Fame for the plaques handed out at WrestleStock and this place absolutely ALWAYS existed and was NOT just thought about for the first time last week!”
Located (somewhere) in Chicago, the UGWC Hall of Fame did indeed house all of the awards, relics, memorabilia, and old title belts from GIW and LWF. It had a restaurant where old men could talk about how much better things were when REAL stars were around back in the GOOD OLD DAYS when wrestling was REALLY HOT and probably going through that shitty hardcore phase where you didn’t need talent and all the actual good stars ended up with extremely short careers because of having to drop each other on their heads every night in order to please selfish fans. And naked Mideon. THE GOOD OLD DAYS. It also included a walkthrough area of the history of UGWC, giving a timeline of when people who are jobbers now were stars, with the special treat of that room being the Hall of Creative Directors, which lists all of the accomplishments of every person to hold that position. Hastings section is, as you can imagine, the most well-lit and maintained.
It is this area that we find ourselves submerged, truly SUBMERGED, in a group of visitors to the Hall of Fame. A group of teenagers, mostly girls between the ages of 12 and 15, whose incessant use of shorthand words like “totes,” “lol,” “legit,” and the newest thing, “ubes,” would make anyone over the age of 21 have a splitting headache. The group is a sea of tshirts with weird sayings like “Please, Shit Up” and “Bleed the World Tour,” black armbands that say “I STAND WITH SARAH!” and a mixture of kitty- and bunny-ear headgear.
That’s right, it is a gathering of the Fang Gang.
“C’mon, keep it moving! I may be rich and all because of Daddy, but there is ubes totes legit no way I am paying the insurance on if I lose one of you!”
Their matron, 20-year-old Sarah Selena Grey-Lacklan, stands at the head of the group, waving her arms and shepherding her charges as a mother hen her chicks. Sarah is dressed in the way we have all come to know was the “Lacklander Style,” which no doubt STILL makes Maggie ask “What in the HELL are you wearing?!” The albino’s platinum hair is pulled up into it usual “out on the town” high bun and her dark and overly large wing makeup is on point to show off her odd red irises, which themselves are magnified by the thick glasses resting on the bridge of her nose. She wears a black and green gown that covers just about every inch of her body as it falls to the floor, and a matching parasol is in her hand and crooked in her shoulder to help ward the sun away from her sensitive skin.
“No, really, let’s go! Its time for the main event of the evening!”
The flock of Fang Gangers, possibly the biggest Fang Gang that Chicago has ever seen, follow their matron with the small steps of excitement that can only be created with an abundance of pixie sticks stirred into all-syrup slushies. They follow the waving hand of Sarah, which holds a Starbucks cup filled with an iced caramel mocchiato with two shots of esspresso upside down, obvs, past a few of the displays until they reach one of the newer wings of the building.
“Check this out!”
Sarah’s high-pitched Londoner accent is full of glee as she uses her parasol to point out the line WrestleStock Open Cups.
“Now, WAY before any of you were born, because just about everyone in this company is, like, way old, like WAAAAYYYYY old and in their 30’s and have been wrestling for, like, EVER, the WrestleStock was just about bringing a bunch of people into the Coalition to celebrate the artistry of our sport, or something. But! Oh...BUT! Four years ago, they decided to do this coolio tournament because, ya know, tournaments are legit cray, ya know?”
A sea of bobbing heads meet her words as she motions towards the first trophy.
“Now, this one right here, the first one? Won by some dude named Jesse. Now, I’ve never met Jess, because I would have been, like 17 or something at the time, and that’s just ew, ya know? But it only takes a few seconds to look up a name and see where they fight and where they are from, but it still seems like people can’t figure that out. Like, there is this one dude named JC, right? Like, he thinks he’s all badass ‘cause he calls himself Joe Cool, right? N-E-Way, I have legit seen him play the ‘Who are you?’ card that just shows how much of a pathetic piece of shit he is as a competitor, ya know, because at least 25 percent of what we do is research, ya know? Like, looking at youtube videos of our opponents to see what their strengths and weaknesses are, looking at videos of yourself in order to figure out how to use what you do against your next opponent, videos about the history of the sport, stuff like that, right? Right, so, this JC dude is one of those guys who thinks that they don’t need to actually give a flying fuck who their opponent is, or even what the rules of their match are, because FUCK respecting the Coalition, right? I mean, you’d figure that if someone specifically ASKED for a match on the second Chill, BEGGED for a match against someone who isn’t on the brand, and then when getting to wrestle freakin’ ORSEN, they’d give a damn about the rules and respecting the company? NOPE!
“Then again, Dipshit, which is totes JC’s name now, #ItsAThing, likes opening his dumbass mouth and talking about things he has no idea about because he thinks he’s some badass. Like, this one time? I mentioned him in a vlog because he was legit one of, like, seven people on my timeline that tossed out random challenges for no reason when they don’t even work for the company, and I made him look dumb, right? So, he’s all ‘I only knew about it because someone who freakin’ STALKS YOU told me about it and your career in UGWC is useless and a waste of time.’ But then one of my interns over at #CoolRankings totes clowns the dude by presenting the math problem about how all of my whoopass accomplishments in six months amounts to useless. Legit, everyone bust your phones and check out the tweet one of my interns just retweeted.”
As, the sea of Fang Gangers bust out their phones to check out the, lets face it, legitmately clowing that CoolTubeSource did on that poor old man JC for opening his dumbass mouth.
Much giggling from the Fang Gangers ensued as Sarah moved her attention to the second trophy.
“N-E-Ways! Moving on and we see that the winner the second year was the captain of the S.S. Chug Boat herself, Kem Dynamo. Now, if you all recall, THIS is the trophy that CJ Wylde, another loudmouth dipshit who has a legacy more about crying than winner called a participation trophy. I bet that he was PISSED when I brought that up at the Melee, since when I later went to beat his ex-wife, it just de-legited everything they stood for as a team. Mind you, Chugasoarous herself wasn’t able to take her WrestleStock Open victory and do anything with it and she just kinda faded into obscurity for a year and a half, only recently coming up out of the lagoon like Nessie. Well, if Nessie let herself go and tripled her size, anyway.”
More giggling from the Fang Gangers as Sarah moved on to the third and final trophy in the case.
“But most importantly! We have the GREATEST WrestleStock Cup of them all! Why, if you look closely, you will see that it matches the GREATEST Cross-Hemisphere title over in the title belt wing because of the sexiest name in ALL of wrestling...MINE! Of course, I still had my maiden name when I won the thing, but that’s neither here nor there. Now, this is CLEARLY the MOST important part of the tour, since no one really cares about all of those old people who wrestled way back when I was a kid, so I figure now would be a great time to transition to the Q&A portion of the day. Who wants to ask me a question?”
The sea of Fang Gangers burst into hands shooting into the air faster than Hermione in that first potions class in Philosopher’s Stone. Sarah seemingly points at one of the girls.
“How excited are you to win your second WrestleStock Open Cup?”
“Totes ubes, obvs! I mean, its never been done before, and since I like doing coolio stuff that people don’t think I can do, its great motivation to go in there and shut up the haters. Like I usually do. Next!”
“Are you worried that you might have to face off against Kenzi or Angie?”
“Oh, Heavens no! I look FORWARD to it! No lie, the #CoolKids are the bestest of friends, even when you count Stupid Roxy, and ESPECIALLY when you factor in how Mil and Sav aren’t around any more. And while a LOT of what we do is train together and talk shop, we aren’t afraid of facing one another, even IF it hasn’t actually happened yet. Well, there might have been some kind of tag match in there somewhere over in LAW, but fuck if I remember. N-E-Ways, the three of us bring out the best in one another, in AND out of the ring, and, lets face it, if it ends up being a triple threat final like it was last year, and the three of us are in the ring, then we will obvs have THE BEST match in the entire festival!”
She gives an exaggerated wink.
“A match that I’m going to win. Obvs. Next!”
“Where IS Kenzi, anyway?”
“What? She’s right in the back. Say hello, Beloved!”
All of the heads turn...but there is no Kenzi. Sarah scrunches her eyes up in confusion.
“Beloved?”
Nothing.
“Mackenzie! Where are you?!”
A sea of confused faces. Sarah growls and then whips out her phone, the fingers capped off by black nails lacquered with red flames tapping quickly.
PorcelainPrincess:
Where you be?
Where you be?
DarkGoddess
****AUTOMATIC REPLY BEING GENERATED****
I am WAY too black to be hanging out with you when you are with your fan club. Come get me when you remember how to use works with more than four letters!
****END OF AUTOMATIC REPLY****
****AUTOMATIC REPLY BEING GENERATED****
I am WAY too black to be hanging out with you when you are with your fan club. Come get me when you remember how to use works with more than four letters!
****END OF AUTOMATIC REPLY****
Sarah gives one of her patented Massive Eye Rolls of DOOM as she puts her phone back in her purse.
“Whatever. HER loss! Next question!”
“Outside of your fellow #CoolKids, are there any other people you might be worried about in the tournament?”
“Yeah, right. Listen, when I came into this thing last year, my first round opponents were facing off against Rey Lobo and Ichabod in a triple threat. Now, while I still don’t think the puppy has done anything since then that anyone has ever cared about since, like, ever, Ichy is the shit, yo! I knew that THEN and I STILL talked shit on him and said that beating him in that match was going to be as easy as dunking on a little person in a basketball game. Now, Ichy DID decide to basically throw that match and prefered to watch me whoop Rey’s ass, but, lets be honest here, I would have beat him, too. And looking over the rest of the field this year, there is NO ONE, outside of my BFFs, anway, even NEAR Ichy’s level.
“Seriously, am I supposed to be afraid of Captain 80’s? I mean, sure, he’s hilarious, and him running out of characters in a tweet and not realizing it is great, but I’ve seen the Captain Steroid work and I know that he can’t last more than a few seconds. And if anyone has ever seen ME wrestle, you know that I can go all night. And that’s what Kenzi said!”
The lack of laughter from the crowd reminds Sarah that most of her rabid fans are too young to get the sexual comment. She pulls at the collar of her dress and mumbles about a “tough crowd.”
“Er...yeah...if I was him, I would be more worried about Stupid Roxy tackling him out of nowhere and giving him a whole different ocean to swim his boat in, if you know what I mean.”
Blank stares let her know that, no, her crowd did NOT know what she meant by Roxy’s fangirling “NOTICE ME SENPAI” lust for the Captain.
“I’m also not afraid of the dude in the metal mask, since the athletic commission will most def step in and be all ‘um...yeah...you can’t wear that…’ and he’ll probably get busted open with one of my legit amazeballs kicks and then cry a river so wide he drowns in it. Now, I’m sure he’ll drop some 27 minute promotional video about how amazeballs he is and include some epic backstory that legit NO ONE will care about and everyone by a Dynamo will just fast forward through, but all that is going to mean for the dude is an opportunity to get past the Captain, since Stupid Roxy will no doubt wear him out in the back ahead of time, and then BLAMO! Right into one of my kicks.
“Oh! Speaking of the Dynamos! Kem’s dad is there! Now, he is a guy that I am REALLY not worried about because we’re talking about a dude who lacks the foresight to NOT call himself Kid! Legit seriously, that’s like getting a tattoo of a spider on your face and saying ‘I am ALWAYS gonna love this!’ Just like Kid Rock, Dynamo has to deal with being a man in his 40’s who every calls Kid. And then laugh behind his back. And then laugh in his face for being a chubby chaser. Well, I assume, anyway, because he’s in pretty good shape and his daughter is, like, Shamu, so he MUST be all UP in the fatties, ya know? N-E-Way, I’m sure people are gonna be all ‘BUT HE HAS WONZ 27 CHAMPIONSHIPS HOW CAN YOU TALK SHIT YOU IZ A BAD GUY’ but, like, so has Dave Rydell, and you don’t see people giving HIM any props, ya know? So, yeah, not worried about a guy who clearly lacks the self confidence to work on a better ring name and find something less than 400 pounds to stick it into!”
“But what about your first round opponent Mizore? Are you worried about her?”
“What? Of course not! I...ya know, maybe I shouldn’t say anything else. I mean, you guys wouldn't want me to cut a promo here, would you?”
“DO IT! DO IT! DO IT!”
“Naw, I really shouldn’t, I mean-”
“CUT A PROMO!” CLAP CLAP CLAP-CLAP-CLAP “CUT A PROMO!” CLAP CLAP CLAP-CLAP-CLAP “CUT A PROMO!” CLAP CLAP CLAP-CLAP-CLAP “CUT A PROMO!” CLAP CLAP CLAP-CLAP-CLAP
“Okay okay, I’ll do it! Since you must twist my arm! Get those cameras out so everyone can watch it.”
A sea of cameras capture Sarah as she smiles.
‘Sup, Mizore! Who’d a thunk that you and I would face off against each other in freakin’ UGWC, right? Like, #MindBlown, ya know? Like, legit, I NEVER would have thought that, after knocking Maya THE FUCK out with a Shining Wizard last year in Ladies All Star that I would get the chance to do the same thing to her girl! What an AWESOME business we are in, ya know?!
Know what I find funny? You telling E-Black that I’m gonna be one of your toughest challenges to date. Now, I find that funny because you obvs have NO idea what you are walking into! You are facing off against the WINNER of last year’s WrestleStock Open and the GREATEST Cross-Hemisphere champ of all time (just ask Lucy, she LOVES talking about it). You are facing off with the person who set the Coalition on FIRE last year and who made everyone go “ON SNAP! WE BE FUUUUUUUU-” when I dropped my promotional video right before the Melee.
What? What do you MEAN ‘what promo?’ Oh, that’s right. You and your little group of misfits were so busy getting off on each other’s obscurity to realize that not only was one of the biggest matches in the Coalition season coming up, you COMPLETELY missed out on THE BEST promotional video going into it! Now, I KNOW that you aren’t gonna do CRAP as far as doing any real research for this thing, so let me give you a little summary of what I had to say to you last time around:
You ain’t shit.
I mean that from the bottom of my heart, Mizore. You and your little anime reject club? You guys with your epileptic seizure-causing videos from the 90s are an embarrassment in a sport filled with “large than life” personalities and that should tell you something. Totes legit, I would have killed, FUCKING KILLED, to have been healthy enough to be in the Trios Tournament alongside Angelica and Stupid Roxy, which we probs would have won if that was the case, and YOU and your der hur friends get knocked out right out the gate.
Know what’s REALLY funny about that and, lets face it, your entire career in the Coalition so far?
I beat your girl when she flew through the air, crushed to the ground, and got a knee driven into her head. And that is EXACTLY how your career here has been. Check it:
You volunteer for the Trios and come flying in like everyone else, full of hope and prayers, if not piss and vinegar. You soared! You flew! And then BLAM! Face down into the mat. Now, a GREAT wrestler would have gotten up and succeeded after that. Legit, last year I beat Robin Daggers in the finale of this tournament and what has she done since then? SHIT LOADS! She may be a DUC, but she got up after landing on her face and has won a bunch of titles. But you? What did you do after you flopped on your face after the Trios?
Stayed down on the mat and got kicked in the teeth over and over again. Legit, the only people on the roster who have taken more losses than you are people like Rydell and T-Pie...and you’ve only been here half the time! When I’M only here half the time, I do things like win titles and get nominated for awards!
And now you are in MY tournament?! You think you can just doo-to-doo-to-doo into MY WrestleStock Open with your shitty cartoon curtain-jerking routine? F that, ho! I am going to run across that ring...slower, I’ll admit, because of the braces…put my foot on your knee, push myself up, and drive my knee into your face and knock your ass out. Just like I did to Maya last year. And hopefully, HOPEFULLY, that is the LAST we see of this dumbass loser routine of yours. HOPEFULLY, you take the hint that you can’t do JACK at this level and head back down to some farm league like your EWE.
THAT is what awaits you, sweetheart. Your lot in this tournament is just like your lot in life: Way over your head with no chance to even stand up. You are a low-tier fighter drawing a thoroughbred star in the first round: You have no hope.
That’s reality, love. This isn’t some fairytale where the underdog wins. This isn’t a cartoon where the problem is resolved within the 22-minute run-time. This isn’t the time when the hero is in peril right before the commercial and then miraculously gets out of harm’s way when the show comes back on. This is you going against someone who is genetically superior to you in every way who is going to beat you up so bad that you will PRAY that I put you into a coma to be beside Maya.
I WILL win my second WrestleStock Open Cup. I WILL beat down every person in front of me. I WILL earn that title shot again. And believe you mean, I am going to ENJOY making your lights go out.
Mind the flames.
The pigeon shakes with fear as it lands on the table in front of its query. It was afraid of the Owls. Every pigeon was afraid of the Owls. But the pigeon loved the Matron of Pigeons, had a breast with a heart full of appreciation for her, and so the pigeon did what it must. With a bow to the brunette, she offered her foot for her note to be taken.
Eden no doubt gave one of the world’s most suffering sighs ever as she saw the note. Only ONE person sent hand-written notes by carrier pigeon. Only ONE person could be annoying enough to naturally use Comic Sans. Only ONE.
Oh Auntie EEEEEEEEdeeeeeeeeen!
I hope this letter finds you in good health. You STILL haven’t had me and my Beloved over for tea (need to fix that!), so I wasn’t exactly sure where you live, so I simply told Winefred (that’s the pigeon) to find the most unnecessarily Gothic castle she could find, probably with a moat and, like, towers n’ shit, and you would be there. Welp, if you are reading this, then BLAMO! I was totes right!
So, I just wanted to say a couple of things to my ubes legit favorite Auntie. First, thanks SO MUCH for working with the #CoolKidsRPG team so that you could be included in the game! Like, most of our motion-capture maping only took a couple of hours, but you spending DAYS with them to make sure that your character was PERFECT was a real sweet thing. Legit, I don’t know WHY A-Wall keeps jumping you lately. You’re, like, the totes best EVER, ya know?! Thanks for legit making it a thing!
N-E-Way, the other thing I wanted to do was give you a heads up about something:
So, I am FIRMLY convinced that you and my #OutLastBuddy4Life Jet are gonna retain your Co Op titles at WresteStock. Like, I loves me some Zane and all, but you two SO have this. Mostly because of you. Obvs. And I am FIRMLY convinced that I am going to walk out of Day 4 as the first EVER 2-time WrestleStock Open Cup winner because, well, that’s what I do, ya know? And that, ya know, gives me a title shot. Now, last year, I went after Lucy and the Cross-Hemisphere title because I totally dug what she was doing with her hair at the time and that whole hugging bit was GREAT, ya know? Oh, and that whole “I WANTZ WHAT YOU HAZ” bit. I didn’t win that match, unfortunately, but I learned a lot of lessons, and that helped me win the title later, and that’s all coolio.
But this year? When I win the ‘Stock THIS year?
I’m coming for the Co Op titles.
Truth be told, I probably would have gone after them last year if Mackenzie was up for it. I mean, Team Kickass is, like, totes badass, and UBES hard to beat, but she was all focused on the dumpster fire that LAW was being. And, yeah, I DID get her to be my anchor for Outlast, but this year is WAY different. She just, like, beat the snot out of my step-mom for me and is getting into MMA (which is WAY FUCKING HAWT OMG), so she’s all kinds of whoopass right now.
And that means we’re going to beat you.
N-E-Ways, just wanted to give you that heads-up. So, hold onto those titles for me, m’kay? Give them some kisses, and hug them REAL tight so that Mackenzie and I can still feel your warmth on them, still smell your perfume on them. Because they are SO gonna be ours in a month or two.
Loooooooove youuuuuuuuuuu
Your obedient (and favorite!) niece,
S.S.G-L
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