Post by The Circle Television Network on Sept 29, 2018 17:37:39 GMT -5
PROLOGUE
“I’M GOING TO KILL THAT BLONDE BIMBO!!”
Sarah paced back and forth in a rage, her own platinum blonde hair clinging to her sweaty face from the perspiration of her own Outlast qualifier. Her red eyes flashed red with anger, not from the result, but for what had happened to me during my own qualifier. As if suddenly remembering, she stopped pacing and ran back to my side as I held my head.
“Oh my goodness Beloved, are you okay?!”
“Y-Yeah…I t-think so…”
I really didn’t think so, but I didn’t want to add to her already VERY full plate of other things to worry over. During my match, Roxy had yanked down the top rope, sending me ass over tea kettle as I smashed my head into the floor. After that, I never recovered and Roxy finished my night with a DDT. I left the ring on my own, but I could barely see straight. Sarah had run out to help me to the Trainer’s Office, but all I could think about was what she had to be going through…yet here she was doting after me.
Last Friday she had gotten the worse news possible…she, the woman who was obsessed with babies would never be able to have one of her very own. When the family doctor had given her the news she had fainted dead away. In that very moment, her 5-year plan had come to a soul crushing end. It was as if her cosmic purpose for being had just evaporated right in front of her eyes. She had been left broken and barely able to function right up until Outlast. Fighting had been the one thing that had taken her mind off her own pain.
…I guess this was another…
I put my hand on her shoulder to steady myself. My head was thundering inside, making me feel like I wanted to vomit, but I needed to push through. There was no way in hell that I would have her worried about me on top of everything else going on in our lives. I was going to suck it up…if not for any other reason than to take one more thing off of her already full plate.
“I’m fine…”
…I wasn’t…
Sarah’s jaw tightened and I could see the fury building in her again for Roxy.
“She’d better pray that someone out there murders her before I get my hands on her Beloved! I’m going to rip her fuc…”
I grabbed Sarah and shook her, the very act nearly making me feel like I was going to pass out. I held on for dear life as the look on her face changed and she eased me back down to my seat. She started to speak out of concern again, but I waived it off.
“No…let me speak…okay?”
I gathered my garbled thoughts…as best I could. All I wanted to do was lie down and rest, but I needed to nip this in the bud before I did. I couldn’t have by best friend and my wife killing each other while I was waiting for my brain to stop swelling.
“Sarah…don’t be mad at Roxy for her doing what she had to do out there…to win at all costs is how you put it…”
“Yes, but…”
I cut her off, more out of needing to get this all off my chest before I was unable to speak coherently.
“…win…at…all…costs! Your words Sarah. She did exactly what you would have done…just as you pushed Angie to do…”
I could see Sarah sulk a bit as my words washed over her, diluting her anger. I took her hand in mines, holding it as tightly as I could.
“…we are #CoolKids…we aren’t like the Court. We have our issues and we move past them and we support one another…no matter what. Yeah?”
Sarah was still a petulant bundle of anger, but at least she could see my point and that made me feel a lot better about taking the trainer’s advice and getting some rest. Sarah took my hand and pressed it to her lips and I could see the acceptance in her eyes…I could also see a bit of that sadness from last week seeping its way back in.
…shit…
Maybe I was better off letting her be angry for a little while longer, but I couldn’t have her upset with Roxy for her actions…I was upset enough for the both of us, but my issue wasn’t with Roxy…it was with the way that I was feeling about the dissolution of our 5-year baby plan. I just didn’t want to show it…
…I was happy…fuck me…I was happy…
INTO THE ABYSS...
The following day…if anything…my head hurt even worse. The only thing I could think was that it was payback for the way I felt over the news that Sarah would never be able to have a child of her own. I knew that I should have felt terrible…and I did…I never wanted to see my wife in pain, but the thought of children terrified and upset me. I had hoped…in time…she would soon accept this and then we could move on with enjoying our lives together…just the two of us!
I slipped out of bed and my vision went wonky and I sat down hard on the end of the bed, startling Sarah out of her sleep. She reached for me and when arms caught empty air, she sat up quickly, looking around as her red tinted eyes struggled to pierce the darkness.
“Beloved?”
I put my hand on her thigh and gave it a pat to reassure her that I was here and I was fine. Of course, that was a lie…but I just needed time.
“I’m fine Baby…I just need to use the bathroom.”
I think I grabbed and held on to every piece of furniture in the bedroom as I navigated my way to the bathroom. Once I got there, all I could do was plop down and do my best to take stock of things as I hoped that my head would soon stop pounding. I had a full week to get through with a wrestling match in Charlotte on Wednesday, a football game in Boston on Friday, and a cage match on Saturday.
“BELOVED, ARE YOU OKAY?”
I heard Sarah call from the bedroom. I didn’t want to her to worry so picked up my phone and sent her a quick tweet featuring her least favorite picture of me.
“HERE! DON’T I LOOK FINE?”
I heard her laugh and I tried to follow suit, but truth be told I wasn’t even sure that I would make it to Chill on Monday to face Maggie Lockheart. Outlast had been an opportunity of a lifetime! The chance to stake a claim and jump the field of competition and rise to the very top of UGWC in a single night. I was fortunate enough to have been on one of the best teams of the night. I knew we would prevail and I thought for all the world that I would be one of the few to get to that next level...to make it into the championship rounds. Maggie had picked me...she had picked me first! Maybe it was a bit of gamesmanship between her and my wife...I wasn't stupid enough to miss that, but...she wasn't stupid either. She wanted to win...she wanted to get to that next level as well.
...in the end we both failed...but maybe there was another path...
Maggie was the last Cross-Hemisphere Champion...a champion who had yet to receive a re-match. There was no doubt in anyone's mind that she was owed one...but...what if there was doubt that she was the only other contender? I hadn't won at Outlast...but Chill...Chill had been my bread and butter up until I won WrestleStock and graduated to Synergy. There was little doubt that Maggie was the favorite against me. She had done what I had failed to do at Outlast...and now that it was over, Hastings and the crew would be looking for new challengers for Vain. Maggie's name would be mentioned...without question.
...my job was to find a way to beat her on Chill...
Wouldn't my name also be in that championship conversation? The Queen of Chill is what Maggie had jokingly called me. I had been on every single show...and I had been victorious on every single time. It was a forgone conclusion that I would certainly appear...even in my currently diminished state. If I were able to find a way to continue my streak against the likes of the woman that had held Cross-Hemisphere gold...would I not also be called a contender? Instead of the Queen of Chill...maybe I could become the Cross-Hemisphere Queen!
Wasn't that the goal? To ascend the ladder of success I needed to grab the next rung. I had missed that grab at the Massive Melee and I had missed again at Outlast. My effort this time out had ended just as abruptly as it had last year. I guess I had at least helped my captain advance...the same one I now had my sights set on. Chill could be my next opportunity to make an impression where I had failed on two separate occasions. I'm sure that no one had ever looked to Chill as a place of opportunity...just a place to showcase new talent...a place to work out the kinks...as it were. Next Monday, I had the chance to go one on one with one of the best in UGWC...a chance to prove that while I might not have been worthy of going right to the top of the mountain...I could damn sure take the long way around!
I didn't know if anyone realized the magnitude of this match. I did...which is why I agonized over how I felt at the moment. I had wanted to drop out of my Queen City match on Wednesday against Ximena Asensio...I had wanted skip out on my LFL game in Boston on Friday, and then there was the matter of my MMA match with Union GP on Saturday against Annie Zellor. My dance card was packed...I would be lucky to make it to Chill in one piece after getting rocked by Roxy last Monday. Everything inside me screamed that I should cancel my appearances, but I was stubborn…I was going to find a way to meet all of my commitments.
…but what about my commitment to my wife…
We were always truthful with one another…we always told each other everything. Yet, how in the world could I ever tell her this? How could I tell her that I was relieved that we would never have a child together? She was heartbroken…and I…I felt like the greatest weight had been lifted off of my shoulders. What kind of person was I?
…she certainly deserved better than me…
“Ahhhh…”
A wave of pain ripped through my brain, buckling my knees. Instinctively I reached out, hands grasping the shower curtain and tearing it from its moorings. I watched as the rings popped loose one at a time and I fell to the floor in a heap. My vision blurred as I watched the broken rings scatter across the floor in all directions. Some skidded behind the vanity…others found their way around the commode. The last few I saw slide into a pair of pale feet that were padding towards me at breakneck speed…Sarah’s expensively pedicured feet.
…she wore wrestling boots…who was even going to see them…
“BELOVED!!”
“BELOVED!!”
“BELOVED!!”
I could hear her voice getting smaller and smaller…further and further away. I tried to get up…I tried to get to her, but I couldn’t move. All I could do was lay there…lay there and watch as my wife screamed and screamed…
THE 5-YEAR PLAN...
“Sarah…I am sorry to tell you this…”
My eyes fluttered open as I heard the words of my wife’s family physician, Doctor Andrews. I mouthed his next words, I had heard them so clearly on Friday; ‘…but I don’t think you can have children.’
“…but she didn’t make it…I’m sorry.”
I felt her hands holding mines and I heard a wail from her, unlike anything I had ever heard before. Who didn’t make it? What was he sorry for? What in the hell was going on? WHY COULDN’T I LOOK AROUND AND SEE?!
…just more words through tear soaked sobs…
“You don’t understand! WE WERE GOING TO HAVE A LIFE TOGETHER! WE…WE WERE GOING TO RAISE A FAMILY!!”
“She’s gone Sarah. You have to let her go.”
Gone? Who was gone? ME?! THEY WERE TALKING ABOUT ME?! I struggled to talk…I struggled to move, but there was no use. All I could do was stare stupidly into the ceiling as the elderly physician attempted to console my grieving wife. A wife that grieved for losing me in a way that I could not for her previous loss. The loss of a child that would never be.
“I…I can’t…I can’t go on without her. I CAN’T! I WON’T!”
“DON’T TALK LIKE THAT!”
You’re damn right! Don’t talk like that! Sarah and I always said that we would follow one another into the Abyss…but that didn’t mean immediately! I listened intently as Sarah insisted that she be allowed to follow me…since she had nothing to live for…no wife…no children…nothing. This tore at me in a way I didn’t expect. The thought that I had just left her with nothing…not even the hope of having something more to live for was more than I could bear. I wanted to close my eyes and just dissolve away into nothing if I couldn’t get up and go to her!
I didn’t want to hear this! I DIDN’T WANT TO LISTEN TO ANY OF THIS! Why couldn’t I stop? Why couldn’t EVERYTHING JUST FUCKING STOP!!!
…
And suddenly…inexplicably everything did stop. The voices of Sarah and Doctor Andrews faded away…drowning into nothingness…silence. I wondered if this was the abyss. Is this where Sarah would one day come to find me?
“Kenzi…”
I was startled as my mother’s face appeared hovering over me…wispy and light, she waivered ever so gently like an apparition. In fact, that is EXACTLY what she looked like! My mouth opened…giving me a start. I had thought that I could still not move or speak, but at least the latter had turned out to be untrue.
“Mom? Is that you?”
“In life…though, I wasn’t a particularly good one…”
A shadow of regret passed over her for a moment, then in a flicker it was gone. A broad smile crossed her face.
“…I am hoping I make a much better spirit guide. I’d hate to lose this gig, so please give me a positive review! I don’t want to go back to entry level haunting where they make you lay down vague electronic voice phenomenon for those fake ghost hunting shows! Those people are so dumb, I could fart into the microphone and they would swear they were talking to the ghost of Alexander Graham Bell!”
Again I tried to get up, but my body wouldn’t respond to my commands. This was all so strange and I could tell by the look on my Ghost Mom’s face that she understood my frustration.
“Sorry Dear…I can’t have you up and running about! I’m your guide and that means I am in charge of the comings and goings here.
I tried to look around, but all I could move were my eyes. I looked from side to side, but all I could see was darkness.
“W-Where are we? I can’t see anything!”
Ghost Sid looked around, stroking her chin as she tried to figure it out for herself.
“You know…I was supposed to be taking you to see Troy…but between you, me, and the lamp post…Troy is an idiot! We are going to skip seeing him…it’s not like he was going to be showing you anything interesting anyway! It’s just a bunch of shit you already saw!”
“Who is Troy? What is he supposed to be showing me?”
Sid rolled her eyes, smirking as she did.
“Troy, the ghost of the past or something like that. All I know is that he dresses like an asshole.”
“The Ghost of Christmas Past? IS THAT WHO YOU’RE TALKING ABOUT?!”
Sid sighed, looking at me with obvious annoyance.
“Don’t be stupid Kenzi! It’s fucking September! Why would a Christmas Ghost be visiting you now? Troy is just a creepy pervert who probably just wants to replay all of the times you had sex! NO! You will not be seeing that asshole! While I’m on it…I don’t think you’ll be visiting with Georgia either. She’s like a realist or whatever. She wants to show you the present. LIKE, DUH! The present is right here! What in the fuck is she going to show you that you can’t see already? 'Hey Kenzi...look...it's fucking dark!' NO FUCKING SHIT!”
“THAT’S THE GHOST OF CHRISTMAS PRESENT!”
Ghost Sid’s face, which still seemed heavily botoxed even when she was semitransparent, twisted in exasperation.
“WHAT IS YOUR FUCKING OBSESSION WITH CHRISTMAS?! CHRISTMAS IS OVER THREE MONTHS AWAY!”
“Why are you here? What’s this all about? What are you supposed to be showing me? NO! SCRATCH THAT! I already know what I want to see! Show me Sarah! I need to know that she is okay! SHOW ME MY WIFE!!”
“There are so many other cool things for us to look at…why would we waste time peeking in on Sarah? Why don't we go see what happens next on that shitty soap that Sarah watches...the one with the girl who looks like you?”
I was instantly angry and if I could have gotten up, she would have seen just how angry I was! Unfortunately, I was trapped inside my own body, unable to move. I made my displeasure apparent…with my eyes.
“I WANT TO SEE MY WIFE!”
Sid stared at me for a moment, then rolled her eyes, grumbling to herself about cranky lesbians or some such nonsense. She gave a hard sigh, working her hands in a mysterious motion as she did.
“FINE!!”
I wasn’t sure what my Ghost Mom was doing, but whatever otherworldly trickery she engaged in suddenly brought about a change in our surroundings. The crushing darkness receded and was replaced by bright glaring lights and loud Christmas music. I would have shielded my eyes if I could have moved my hands, but I was still pinned to the bed and completely immobile.
“Holy shit!”
“What’s wrong? Where are we? WHAT’S WRONG MOM?!”
My mother was silent for a moment, then she began swearing under her breath. After another moment, she finally managed to respond.
“I have good news and bad news. The good news is that I figured out where we are, and Sarah is here…I think.”
My heart leapt at this news. All that I cared about was that she was doing okay after my untimely demise. There was a bit of a pause as I waited for whatever the bad news was.
“Mom?”
“Errrr…the bad news is that we are at a UGWC Christmas party.”
“Christmas party? Is it December now?!”
Another long pause, then my Ghost Mom added…
“No…it’s still September. These UGWC assholes are just having their party really fucking early! That cheapskate, Hastings is probably just trying to save a few Global Dollars on a nice holiday venue!”
“So…why do you sound like something is wrong?”
“Maybe I better show you…”
I could feel my head start to turn and I was thankful that the bright lights were no longer burning holes in my dead retinas. It took me a moment or two for my eyes to adjust to everything being sideways. I could see lots of people milling around in their Christmas finery. Some faces were familiar and others I had never seen before. The place was decorated in a haphazard style that was undeniably Christmassy, but only if the decorators had gotten into the spiked eggnog before getting to work.
“Mom…I don’t see what’s wrong, I…”
I paused as I felt a shock go through my system when I saw the large banner that hung in the back welcoming everyone…
“…2023?”
I couldn’t immediately process what I was seeing. Was this right? Had we actually moved forward five years in time?
“MOTHER…WHY IS IT 2023?! W-WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED?!!”
My mother folded her ghostly arms in front of her as she shook her head. Apparently, she was just as astounded as I was.
“Dear, I have NO fucking idea! However, I am sure that we can both agree that September is way too goddamn early for a Christmas party!”
“MOM! DO YOU REALLY THINK THAT’S WHAT’S BOTHERING ME RIGHT NOW?!”
She paused, then turned to me with a look of apology on her face.
“I’m sorry…it’s the Scientology thing, isn’t it? I mean, I know you people don’t believe in Jesus, but I know for a fact that I saw you guys exchanging gifts, so don’t even go there with me!”
If I were able to face palm right now, I would have. Why was I the only one who was weirded out by this situation? Why was I the dead one who couldn’t move and my mother was apparently dead and was free to move around and continue to now make my death as unbearable as she did my life? It was just like the Goofy/Pluto paradox! They were both dogs, but why did dumb ass Goofy get to walk upright and act like a person?! All I could do was resign myself to the fact that this was my new reality and I had to embrace it...I was Pluto and mom was Goofy.
...if this was what fate meant for me to see, then so be it...
I looked around to find Sarah. Once I saw her…saw that she was alright, I would be able to rest easy. If five years had passed in the blink of an eye, I could wait another 50…another 60…or 70 or more until she finally crossed over into the dark and joined me in the abyss. It wasn’t heaven…but it would be once she was here. That was all that I cared about.
I narrowed my eyes as I picked out the familiar faces; I saw Alan Wallace hobnobbing with Simon Wellington. In typical fashion, Alan was dressed to the nines, but there appeared to be even more swagger to the man than usual. I couldn’t help but to notice his arm was draped over a curvy brunette. As soon as she turned a bit I recognized her immediately.
“HOLY SHIT!! GABBY MONTGOMERY!! Wait…she’s with Vain now?”
Ghost Mom stood there with her arms behind her back, rocking in time with the Christmas tunes until she finally realized that my question wasn’t rhetorical. She turned to me with a look of apology.
“OH SHIT! Sorry Dear, I forgot that you’re not privy to the goings on in the future. Yes! Vain and Gabby developed quite the relationship after he finished his movie project with her.”
I racked my brain as I tried to recall any inkling of Vain’s movie career. I vaguely remembered some buzz around the time of Outlast 2018 and the talk of some project he was working on. Honestly, I thought it was a joke.
“Did he make that ‘Best in the World: Why I Rise’ movie?”
Sid nodded emphatically as she clasped her hands together.
“YES! That was it! I guess we all found out why he rose…huh?”
I couldn’t tell if there was a surprised or a sarcastic look on my face, but if there wasn’t…there certainly needed to be.
“Tell me that movie wasn’t a porno!”
“It wasn’t a porno.”
“Thank god! I told Gabby that she didn’t have to do pornos anymore, I…”
“Oh fuck! I thought you were kidding! NO! Of course that movie was a porno! Listen to the stupid title Dear! ‘Why I Rise?’ That dumb tag line has followed the two of them every since they made that thing! I guess once he got a taste of the Caramel he just couldn’t give it up…”
I couldn’t believe that Gabby was still doing porn, after I had done my best to get her out of that lifestyle by releasing her mainstream movies. I knew that a business arrangement with her would carry a certain stigma for the association alone, but I knew that if I introduced her to the possibility of a film career where she didn’t have to get drilled on screen by 10 dudes at once, she might be looked at more seriously. It bothered me that I never got to finish showing her that she didn’t have to continue in that industry.
In answer to my thoughts, Ghost Mom responded;
“Don’t worry Dear, your influence did pay off. That movie was her last porn flick. She took the profits she made from your mainstream releases of her movies and opened her own studio; ‘Caramel Films’ and Alan has featured prominently in all of them! Her work had all been behind the camera, while Alan has been her lead performer; ‘Bhor: The Dark World’ lots of interracial in that, ‘Drain the Main Vain’ that was a good one, ‘Bhor: On The Rag I Rock’ was a popular sequel…nasty fetish stuff though! He’s done a TON of movies since then! You should be proud, you really turned Gabby into quite the industrious film maker!”
That wasn’t quite what I was aiming for with her, but at least she was doing well. I continued scanning the room for any sign of my wife and then I caught sight of a few more familiar faces. I saw Konrad Raab with his wife and several children running around as he spoke with Dave Rydell. In one hand Dave held a large bag with two fluffy heads poking through either side and his other arm was snaked around the slender waist of an exceptionally tall blonde…a blonde that I recognized as she turned to stroke his STILL unkempt beard.
“Angie? ANGIE!!”
The leggy blonde couldn’t hear me…no one could. Still, it was so good to see her there, happy and apparently doing so well…REALLY WELL! The dress she wore seemed to be of an exceptionally expensive cut and her hair practically sparkled with colored gems, in much the same fashion that Sarah had often worn them in. She seemed for all the world like the spitting image of my wife…it was curious that I had never noticed it before.
“Yes…Angie has done very well for herself since taking control of her birthright and then marrying Dave!”
Birthright? What birthright did Angie have?
“Can you believe it? They are STILL tag team champions!”
“Ahem! Cooperative Champions!”
Ghost Sid chuckled, as she patted me on the shoulder.
“I know Dear, I was just making sure that you never lived that down! Oh…well…you’re dead, so I guess you’re not really living anything down now. OH! As for that birthright thing…”
“OH MY GOD!!”
I didn’t mean to cut my mother off, but the next pair I saw nearly floored me. Necron lumbered through the room, everyone giving the seven-footer a wide berth, but what caught my eye was the woman at his side. Dressed in long, black, formfitting lace that clung to all her curves was Roxy…but she looked much different now. Her trademark blonde hair was now an oily black that was slicked back away from her face. Her skin was the color of porcelain, reminding me for all the world of how pale Sarah was. Her make up was dark and the only real color was her eyes that were so vibrant that it seemed unnatural…like the amulet that she still wore around her neck, pulsing green.
“Necron and Roxy have been a power couple for quite some time…well…since Roxy got out of that institution after her breakdown. She ran straight to Necron after that fire, that was totally not her fault, burned Vinnie to death in that Mexican football arena. Those two creepy fucks have been nothing but trouble every since.”
I couldn’t believe it...was Vinnie really gone? Roxy hadn’t been able to break free of Necron’s influence after all. We had failed her…and this was the result.
“If it makes you feel any better…I think Necron allows Roxy to keep Captain 80’s chained in the basement for whenever she is feeling particularly…nostalgic. He just sits in a dark corner smoking those Black 13’s as he watches.”
“EWE MOM!”
“I thought you’d be okay with that! GEEZ!”
It bothered me that none of the other Cool Kids were able to save Roxy from that fate. While she seemed resigned to it now, I knew for a fact that there was no way in hell that she was okay with her hair looking so trashy! Obviously, the bitch was possessed!
I watched as Roxy glided past Angie, the two former allies not even sharing a brief nod in one another’s direction. Instead, Angie perked up when she turned and saw a pair of women walking in. I recognized Maggie Lockheart immediately as she walked arm in arm with Lucy Wylde, long platinum blonde hair all aflutter.
This actually made me feel good. Seeing the two of them back together seemed right and natural. Teaming with Maggie at Outlast afforded me the chance to get to know her a bit better. While we didn’t share the intimate details of one another’s personal lives, I knew from talking to her that she wasn’t over Lucy and she never would be. At least the future had worked out well for the two of them…very well in fact! I was happy that she had gotten back with her...especially if it was meant to be.
I couldn’t help but to notice that Maggie was sporting a bit of a belly…she was pregnant! Several months along at least.
“About six months Dear…but I think you need to look a little closer at the whole picture. Don’t worry, you’re not the first one to make that mistake.”
I had no idea what she meant…until I looked...REALLY looked and then felt my skin heat up and my stomach turn. Maggie wasn’t with Lucy…those long tresses of platinum belonged to Sarah! I had just assumed...
“…mom…?”
My voice was small, but she picked up on it all the same…because ghost…obvs!
“I know! It’s weird right? Seeing the two of them together…knowing how much they despise each other! But, do you remember during Sarah Lacklan Appreciation Night when Roxy told you that they were either gonna kill each other or fuck? Well…Roxy was spot on with that one!”
It was like I couldn’t breathe…which I guess was okay since I was dead…but still. I just couldn’t understand what was going on. I couldn’t understand how this was even happening!
“After you passed, Sarah was despondent…she was put on constant suicide watch. They took that very seriously in UGWC after Lucy Wylde killed herself…”
This made me feel terrible. Why didn’t someone realize that she was in danger?
“Apparently she had been very 'indecisive' over the whole thing…you know…until she wasn’t. Maggie was torn up inside over it. That is how she and Sarah got together…through the UGWC grief counseling program.”
I was still heartbroken and stunned, but at least I could rest in the knowledge that Sarah was okay. I just…I just couldn’t believe that this had happened. I didn’t think that I could ever be replaced…not by anyone.
“Well…to be fair, Maggie’s ultimate expression of love and compassion was more than enough. I mean, Sarah was grieving the loss of two people…you and that unborn child that she could never have with you because of her condition. When Maggie heard about the 5-year plan that you and Sarah had agreed to and how it had all fell apart…naturally, she did what any loving spouse would do…”
I swallowed as I felt my stomach clench and I cut her off.
“No…NO! Don’t…don’t you say it…”
I already knew what she was going to say. I didn’t know the future, but I knew what I should have done after my wife’s world was shattered by the news that she couldn’t bear children…the thing she wanted most in the world.
“Sorry Dear…but, yes…Maggie stepped up and she offered up her shiny new womb! Gently…if actually used at all! You know…because lesbian…”
I wanted to puke…I wanted to curl up and into a tiny ball and die. I knew that it was my duty as her wife to do the thing that she couldn’t do…to do the thing that I didn’t want to do! As soon as Doctor Andrews spoke the words that he did and Sarah fainted…I knew then that I should have stepped up and told her that I would carry her child! I should have done that…even though Sarah knew that I wanted NOTHING to do with children.
My ridiculous hang up was nothing compared to my love for Sarah. When we told each other that we would follow the other into the darkness…into the abyss…it was more than just words to a song. We loved one another and that meant that we supported one another…in all things. Well…almost all things. In this, I hadn’t supported her…I hadn’t offered to make the sacrifice that I knew I should have made. For her part, Sarah never made mention of it. She just dealt with the loss…she lashed out in the ring. If she only had five years left, she meant to make them gloriously violent. No doubt that was going to please Ichabod to no end.
“OH! Absolutely Dear! Ichabod was VERY grateful! So much so that he didn’t mind donating a bit of the old starter baby juice to get Sarah’s and Maggie’s joint venture off the ground!”
“WHAT?!”
Ghost Sid looked at me with a smirk.
“Medical science is advancing…but come on! Two ladies are still not going to make a baby together on their own! They needed a little kick starter! Icky didn’t mind donating a bit of sticky to the mix. I’m not sure…but this might be the very first time that three people have come together to have a baby…where one of them had been dead for five years…”
“What?”
My mother stopped, realizing that she had skipped over some very important details.
“OH SHIT! Yeah…I forgot! Sarah had them harvest a bit of DNA from you…what was left of you at least. I think that is partially why she was able to keep going…she would still have a little Beloved left over…”
She paused, shrugging her shoulders as she burst into laughter at that notion. I had no idea what was so funny, but she quickly cued me in.
“Maggie wasn’t super stoked about having your inferior DNA added to the mix…so…she pulled a bit of the old switch-a-roo!”
“What? Switch? What are you talking about?”
Ghost Sid looked at me, her voice going deep as she eyed me.
“For a filmmaker, you are really REALLY bad at foreshadowing! Maggie switched out that nasty old Kenzi egg for one of Lucy’s! Boy…I really want to jump a bit further in the future and show you the look on Sarah’s face when she realizes it! Oh! I guess I can take you to that moment! We can go there right after the party!”
Admittedly…I was only half listening. My mind was a jumble of confusion and anger. I couldn’t understand how all of this had happened. How much of this was my fault…my fault for being selfish and not understanding that I needed to do the right thing. I was angry at the situation…angry that I had gone into the dark alone…and that is where I would remain…alone. Sarah wasn’t coming to join me…and admittedly…I didn’t deserve it…I didn’t deserve her.
I didn’t do the right thing…not when it mattered most. I had always prided myself on my #Clarity and how much I had committed to being the best that I could be…in all things. That is why I did so much…things that others like Lucy took for indecisiveness. I tried everything…singing, acting, sports, and business. I wasn’t indecisive…I just wanted to try my hand and everything while I was still young…while I still had a chance to be successful. That was part of the reason why I didn’t want children…I didn’t want to risk not achieving my dreams…just like…
“…me…”
I looked up at my mother as she stared down at me…understanding between us for the very first time in a very long time.
“You didn’t want to be like me. Full of regret for missing out in the things that I always wanted. You knew how much I wanted to be right where you are right now. Acting in television and movies…wrestling and winning championships…being rich and successful…”
She shrugged.
“…well…one out of two aint bad.”
I was silent…letting it all sink in…every single bit of it. I didn’t want to become my mother…that was why I loathed the comparisons. I struggled so hard to not be like her…to live every bit of my life to the fullest extent possible…because she had never done that…and she had blamed me.
“I still do…I probably always will. I admit it…I resent having you. If I could go back and change it…I would. I would be living the life you are right now…no children to get in the way…to distract me from my focus…to distract me from being me.”
Another gut punch…my mother was a selfish and ugly bitch. I had always known it growing up…not that it stopped me from wanting her to love me. That was why I followed in her footsteps. I wanted her love…and when I realized that I would never have it…not like I wanted or needed…I decided that I would become the thing that had taken her away from me. I chased her dreams…out of spite at first. Then…I continued…out of vanity. Now…this was who I was…I secretly loved it…the fame and the adulation…all the things that my mother had missed out on because she had me…the things I would miss out on when I had a child of my own.
…how ugly that sounded…terribly ugly…
“Ugly…but true Dear…ugly but true…”
We were interrupted as I heard the voice of the host of tonight’s festivities; the foul mouthed Chaos…who seemed a less-than-appropriate choice to be the MC for a holiday party. Then again…I was fucking dead, so no one gave a shit about what I thought.
The Drunken Buzzsaw was already three sheets to the wind as he took center stage, weaving slightly he stood there dressed as Santa…the dime store Billy Bob Thornton version. He took one last pull of a 40 ounce Chadweiser then tossed the empty bottle aside. It crashed off stage and a woman screamed. He held up his hands apologetically.
“OH SHIT! Sorry about that babe! Donny Boy will toss a couple of extra Global Dollars towards the clean up deposit!”
The crowd chuckled…mainly because they probably knew as well as I did that Global Dollars couldn’t be used for anything like goods and services. He lit a smoke and popped it into his mouth, taking a drag and then addressing the UGWC party goers.
“First off…thank all of you fuckers for coming out to this ridiculously early Christmas party! I know that it seems weird to be having this shit in September, but let’s be honest…only pussies celebrate the holidays on the day you’re actually suppose to do it! Cast in point...for me...it's always Cinco de Mayo!”
He waived and Scott Zane tossed him a pair of Chadweisers. Chaos awkwardly caught the first one, but the second one sailed past him and landed off stage. Chaos flinched as he heard another scream.
“SORRY!! MY BAD!! DONNY BOY WILL COVER THAT TOO!”
Another wave of laughter…Lord Hastings wasn’t going to pay one red penny and everyone knew it. Chaos winked at Zane and popped the top on his beer and chugged a quarter of it down, then let out an impressive belch.
“Now…like I was saying…thank you all for coming out here tonight to celebrate early with us. Put your hands together for the reason for this get together…our reigning and defending World Champion Sarah Lockheart and her wife Maggie!”
Again…I felt that knife twist in my gut…but it was a blade of my own selfish making. I had a chance to change all of this, but I was too concerned with my own future to see that a shared one could have been much better.
“Sarah used the last of her…wink wink…Global Dollars to purchase this special celebration for the impending birth of their first child together!”
Sarah made her way on to the stage, helping Maggie up. Chaos rubbed her belly as he drunkenly swayed, then staggered away. Sarah looked around the room as she held Maggie close.
“First of all…thank you ALL for coming out to help the Magster and I celebrate the birth of our child…our little girl…little Mackenzie Elisabeth Lockheart!”
She will have my name, I thought to myself. That was something, then I looked at Maggie. She smiled…just a bit, with the knowledge that I wasn’t actually a part of the child she carried as Sarah believed. My Ghost Mom leaned in and whispered to me…
“…Elisabeth…that’s Lucy’s middle name…of course Maggie insisted…that fucking cunt…”
I wanted to get out of this bed…I wanted to wake up from this dream. I wanted to rush the stage and choke the life out of Maggie! I might not have lived long enough to make it to our match on Chill, but if I could have had it right now, I would have stomped her guts flat! Of course…she wasn’t the one to blame…I was. All I could do was watch as the woman who had once been my wife continued on…
“Yes! We found out the baby’s sex and she will be coming into the world in three months…which is why we are having this celebration early! Maggie and I won’t be here when the baby is born. She’s the first of her kind, so the doctors want to monitor everything in a controlled environment…”
I could see a bit of anguish on her face, but it passed so quickly that no one else besides me would recognize it. It was fleeting and she had resolved it quickly.
“I wanted to announce to you all that I am giving up my World Title and I am retiring…effective immediately!”
There were gasps from many of the partygoers. Apparently this hadn’t been expected. My mother was quick to confirm this.
“After she returned to ring…she aligned herself with Ichabod and Hastings and she went on quite the tear. She has been champion for so long…most of the new people don’t remember a time when there was another champ. They all laugh when people tell them that the porn star use to be champ…”
I knew how much being champion meant to her…it was at the top of her list of things to do. I was happy that she had achieved it, though it seems she had traded part of her soul away to do it.
“The UGWC and that Title mean the world to me…but nothing means more to me than family…the one I share with Maggie…the one that I asked all of you to share with us tonight. Thank you…thank you all for coming out helping us celebrate the new life that we will soon bring into the world…”
I hadn’t noticed before…but I noticed now. Maggie wore a Christmas sweater that was particularly hideous with it’s bright red and green motif, but that wasn’t what made it ugly…it was the image that was on the front of it…it was my face! I hadn’t noticed before, but many of the party goers were all wearing sweaters with my face on them. Images of me from my movie roles and some of me playing in the LFL or fighting in a Union GP cage.
Sarah reached down and rubbed Maggie’s belly, my face was distorted and stretched out of proportion because of her swollen belly.
“I think the winner of the Beautiful Kenzi Sweater Contest it clearly my wife!”
It wasn’t beautiful…it was UGLY…it was the ugliest ugly sweater contest I had ever seen. No…not that I was physically ugly…but the image that I represented was. I was ashamed…I was terribly ashamed.
“Five years ago we all lost a shining star in UGWC…my former wife Kenzi. She died before she could realize her potential…before we could realize our potential as a family. Thanks to Maggie…and the miracle of modern science…we will reach that potential. Project Kenzi will be the first to produce a child from two female partners…partners that had the faith to believe in one another…to follow one another into the dark."
I heard my mother snort. She looked down at me, shaking her head.
“She’s going to be SO pissed when she finds out that the kid that Maggie shits out not only isn’t hers, but it’s just Maggie’s and Lucy’s!”
She laughed at the thought as I wanted to vomit.
“I have to give major props to Maggie for this. All of the times that Sarah swerved Lucy and Maggie. Remember when she tricked Lucy into the hug…then she attacked her? Or…that time…during the arm-wrestling contest when Sarah punched Maggie’s lights out? BOY This is going to make that look like child’s play! Errrr…sorry about that. Too soon?”
If I wasn’t dead already…I would have died again. All of this was my fault…ALL OF IT! My selfishness had led to all of this. I should have loved my wife enough to set aside my own wants and desires so that she didn’t have to turn to someone else…someone else who did what I should have done…if I hadn’t died…
“Are you okay Dear?”
“Are you okay Dear?”
“Are you okay Dear?”
I ignored my mother as I stared at Sarah. All I could think of was how she had selflessly given up her title reign…the thing she had coveted for as long as I had known her. She had fought the world, across the world, to get to this moment…and now that she had it, she gave it up without a second thought. She did the thing I was unwilling to do.
If only I had a second chance…a chance to do what I should have done from the start. Instead of following in my mother’s footsteps, I should have been striving to be better than her…not just in her career…but in all things.
If only I had a second chance…a chance to do things over again…
EPILOGUE
"Are you okay Beloved?"
"Are you okay Beloved?"
"Are you okay Beloved?"
I blinked as I looked up into Sarah’s terrified face. Her hands were shaking as she held me, red eyes searching me for signs of injury as I lay on the bathroom floor where I had fallen. Though she was stricken, I was relieved…relieved that my nightmarish dream had not come to pass after all.
“I’m calling Doctor Andrews!”
I reached up and touched the side of her face, just to make sure that this was real. It was…and I was relieved that she was here with me. I smiled…weakly, but it was a smile all the same…
“You know I love you more than Maggie…right?”
Sarah arched her eyebrow as her concern deepened.
“OKAY! That’s it…I’m taking you to the hospital right now!”
She started to get up, but I grabbed her arm and stopped her. I pulled myself up, shaking my head.
“I’m fine…or…at least I will be.”
I put my arms around her, kissing her cheek as I breathed her in. Wave after wave of relieve washed over me. I was glad that my apparent nightmare hadn’t come true…that I had gotten a second chance to do the thing that I should have done from the start last Friday.
“…baby…I…I want to tell you something…”
Sarah held me back, looking at me. Concern was still etched across her face. I took a deep breath as I prepared to right the wrong I had committed when I didn’t set aside my selfishness to keep our 5 year plan alive. I opened my mouth, and the words that came out surprised me…
“…I love you…”
I chickened out…again. I reached over and hugged her tightly, even as she responded in kind.
“…I love you too Beloved…”
It wasn’t that I had learned nothing…just that I was apparently still not ready to stop being like my mother…or my Ghost Mother for that matter. Maybe in time I would come to terms with this and I would find a way to not be like Sidney Grey.
…maybe…in time…
“I’M GOING TO KILL THAT BLONDE BIMBO!!”
Sarah paced back and forth in a rage, her own platinum blonde hair clinging to her sweaty face from the perspiration of her own Outlast qualifier. Her red eyes flashed red with anger, not from the result, but for what had happened to me during my own qualifier. As if suddenly remembering, she stopped pacing and ran back to my side as I held my head.
“Oh my goodness Beloved, are you okay?!”
“Y-Yeah…I t-think so…”
I really didn’t think so, but I didn’t want to add to her already VERY full plate of other things to worry over. During my match, Roxy had yanked down the top rope, sending me ass over tea kettle as I smashed my head into the floor. After that, I never recovered and Roxy finished my night with a DDT. I left the ring on my own, but I could barely see straight. Sarah had run out to help me to the Trainer’s Office, but all I could think about was what she had to be going through…yet here she was doting after me.
Last Friday she had gotten the worse news possible…she, the woman who was obsessed with babies would never be able to have one of her very own. When the family doctor had given her the news she had fainted dead away. In that very moment, her 5-year plan had come to a soul crushing end. It was as if her cosmic purpose for being had just evaporated right in front of her eyes. She had been left broken and barely able to function right up until Outlast. Fighting had been the one thing that had taken her mind off her own pain.
…I guess this was another…
I put my hand on her shoulder to steady myself. My head was thundering inside, making me feel like I wanted to vomit, but I needed to push through. There was no way in hell that I would have her worried about me on top of everything else going on in our lives. I was going to suck it up…if not for any other reason than to take one more thing off of her already full plate.
“I’m fine…”
…I wasn’t…
Sarah’s jaw tightened and I could see the fury building in her again for Roxy.
“She’d better pray that someone out there murders her before I get my hands on her Beloved! I’m going to rip her fuc…”
I grabbed Sarah and shook her, the very act nearly making me feel like I was going to pass out. I held on for dear life as the look on her face changed and she eased me back down to my seat. She started to speak out of concern again, but I waived it off.
“No…let me speak…okay?”
I gathered my garbled thoughts…as best I could. All I wanted to do was lie down and rest, but I needed to nip this in the bud before I did. I couldn’t have by best friend and my wife killing each other while I was waiting for my brain to stop swelling.
“Sarah…don’t be mad at Roxy for her doing what she had to do out there…to win at all costs is how you put it…”
“Yes, but…”
I cut her off, more out of needing to get this all off my chest before I was unable to speak coherently.
“…win…at…all…costs! Your words Sarah. She did exactly what you would have done…just as you pushed Angie to do…”
I could see Sarah sulk a bit as my words washed over her, diluting her anger. I took her hand in mines, holding it as tightly as I could.
“…we are #CoolKids…we aren’t like the Court. We have our issues and we move past them and we support one another…no matter what. Yeah?”
Sarah was still a petulant bundle of anger, but at least she could see my point and that made me feel a lot better about taking the trainer’s advice and getting some rest. Sarah took my hand and pressed it to her lips and I could see the acceptance in her eyes…I could also see a bit of that sadness from last week seeping its way back in.
…shit…
Maybe I was better off letting her be angry for a little while longer, but I couldn’t have her upset with Roxy for her actions…I was upset enough for the both of us, but my issue wasn’t with Roxy…it was with the way that I was feeling about the dissolution of our 5-year baby plan. I just didn’t want to show it…
…I was happy…fuck me…I was happy…
INTO THE ABYSS...
The following day…if anything…my head hurt even worse. The only thing I could think was that it was payback for the way I felt over the news that Sarah would never be able to have a child of her own. I knew that I should have felt terrible…and I did…I never wanted to see my wife in pain, but the thought of children terrified and upset me. I had hoped…in time…she would soon accept this and then we could move on with enjoying our lives together…just the two of us!
I slipped out of bed and my vision went wonky and I sat down hard on the end of the bed, startling Sarah out of her sleep. She reached for me and when arms caught empty air, she sat up quickly, looking around as her red tinted eyes struggled to pierce the darkness.
“Beloved?”
I put my hand on her thigh and gave it a pat to reassure her that I was here and I was fine. Of course, that was a lie…but I just needed time.
“I’m fine Baby…I just need to use the bathroom.”
I think I grabbed and held on to every piece of furniture in the bedroom as I navigated my way to the bathroom. Once I got there, all I could do was plop down and do my best to take stock of things as I hoped that my head would soon stop pounding. I had a full week to get through with a wrestling match in Charlotte on Wednesday, a football game in Boston on Friday, and a cage match on Saturday.
“BELOVED, ARE YOU OKAY?”
I heard Sarah call from the bedroom. I didn’t want to her to worry so picked up my phone and sent her a quick tweet featuring her least favorite picture of me.
“HERE! DON’T I LOOK FINE?”
...in the end we both failed...but maybe there was another path...
Maggie was the last Cross-Hemisphere Champion...a champion who had yet to receive a re-match. There was no doubt in anyone's mind that she was owed one...but...what if there was doubt that she was the only other contender? I hadn't won at Outlast...but Chill...Chill had been my bread and butter up until I won WrestleStock and graduated to Synergy. There was little doubt that Maggie was the favorite against me. She had done what I had failed to do at Outlast...and now that it was over, Hastings and the crew would be looking for new challengers for Vain. Maggie's name would be mentioned...without question.
...my job was to find a way to beat her on Chill...
Wouldn't my name also be in that championship conversation? The Queen of Chill is what Maggie had jokingly called me. I had been on every single show...and I had been victorious on every single time. It was a forgone conclusion that I would certainly appear...even in my currently diminished state. If I were able to find a way to continue my streak against the likes of the woman that had held Cross-Hemisphere gold...would I not also be called a contender? Instead of the Queen of Chill...maybe I could become the Cross-Hemisphere Queen!
Wasn't that the goal? To ascend the ladder of success I needed to grab the next rung. I had missed that grab at the Massive Melee and I had missed again at Outlast. My effort this time out had ended just as abruptly as it had last year. I guess I had at least helped my captain advance...the same one I now had my sights set on. Chill could be my next opportunity to make an impression where I had failed on two separate occasions. I'm sure that no one had ever looked to Chill as a place of opportunity...just a place to showcase new talent...a place to work out the kinks...as it were. Next Monday, I had the chance to go one on one with one of the best in UGWC...a chance to prove that while I might not have been worthy of going right to the top of the mountain...I could damn sure take the long way around!
I didn't know if anyone realized the magnitude of this match. I did...which is why I agonized over how I felt at the moment. I had wanted to drop out of my Queen City match on Wednesday against Ximena Asensio...I had wanted skip out on my LFL game in Boston on Friday, and then there was the matter of my MMA match with Union GP on Saturday against Annie Zellor. My dance card was packed...I would be lucky to make it to Chill in one piece after getting rocked by Roxy last Monday. Everything inside me screamed that I should cancel my appearances, but I was stubborn…I was going to find a way to meet all of my commitments.
…but what about my commitment to my wife…
We were always truthful with one another…we always told each other everything. Yet, how in the world could I ever tell her this? How could I tell her that I was relieved that we would never have a child together? She was heartbroken…and I…I felt like the greatest weight had been lifted off of my shoulders. What kind of person was I?
…she certainly deserved better than me…
“Ahhhh…”
A wave of pain ripped through my brain, buckling my knees. Instinctively I reached out, hands grasping the shower curtain and tearing it from its moorings. I watched as the rings popped loose one at a time and I fell to the floor in a heap. My vision blurred as I watched the broken rings scatter across the floor in all directions. Some skidded behind the vanity…others found their way around the commode. The last few I saw slide into a pair of pale feet that were padding towards me at breakneck speed…Sarah’s expensively pedicured feet.
…she wore wrestling boots…who was even going to see them…
“BELOVED!!”
“BELOVED!!”
“BELOVED!!”
I could hear her voice getting smaller and smaller…further and further away. I tried to get up…I tried to get to her, but I couldn’t move. All I could do was lay there…lay there and watch as my wife screamed and screamed…
THE 5-YEAR PLAN...
“Sarah…I am sorry to tell you this…”
My eyes fluttered open as I heard the words of my wife’s family physician, Doctor Andrews. I mouthed his next words, I had heard them so clearly on Friday; ‘…but I don’t think you can have children.’
“…but she didn’t make it…I’m sorry.”
I felt her hands holding mines and I heard a wail from her, unlike anything I had ever heard before. Who didn’t make it? What was he sorry for? What in the hell was going on? WHY COULDN’T I LOOK AROUND AND SEE?!
…just more words through tear soaked sobs…
“You don’t understand! WE WERE GOING TO HAVE A LIFE TOGETHER! WE…WE WERE GOING TO RAISE A FAMILY!!”
“She’s gone Sarah. You have to let her go.”
Gone? Who was gone? ME?! THEY WERE TALKING ABOUT ME?! I struggled to talk…I struggled to move, but there was no use. All I could do was stare stupidly into the ceiling as the elderly physician attempted to console my grieving wife. A wife that grieved for losing me in a way that I could not for her previous loss. The loss of a child that would never be.
“I…I can’t…I can’t go on without her. I CAN’T! I WON’T!”
“DON’T TALK LIKE THAT!”
You’re damn right! Don’t talk like that! Sarah and I always said that we would follow one another into the Abyss…but that didn’t mean immediately! I listened intently as Sarah insisted that she be allowed to follow me…since she had nothing to live for…no wife…no children…nothing. This tore at me in a way I didn’t expect. The thought that I had just left her with nothing…not even the hope of having something more to live for was more than I could bear. I wanted to close my eyes and just dissolve away into nothing if I couldn’t get up and go to her!
I didn’t want to hear this! I DIDN’T WANT TO LISTEN TO ANY OF THIS! Why couldn’t I stop? Why couldn’t EVERYTHING JUST FUCKING STOP!!!
…
And suddenly…inexplicably everything did stop. The voices of Sarah and Doctor Andrews faded away…drowning into nothingness…silence. I wondered if this was the abyss. Is this where Sarah would one day come to find me?
“Kenzi…”
I was startled as my mother’s face appeared hovering over me…wispy and light, she waivered ever so gently like an apparition. In fact, that is EXACTLY what she looked like! My mouth opened…giving me a start. I had thought that I could still not move or speak, but at least the latter had turned out to be untrue.
“Mom? Is that you?”
“In life…though, I wasn’t a particularly good one…”
A shadow of regret passed over her for a moment, then in a flicker it was gone. A broad smile crossed her face.
“…I am hoping I make a much better spirit guide. I’d hate to lose this gig, so please give me a positive review! I don’t want to go back to entry level haunting where they make you lay down vague electronic voice phenomenon for those fake ghost hunting shows! Those people are so dumb, I could fart into the microphone and they would swear they were talking to the ghost of Alexander Graham Bell!”
Again I tried to get up, but my body wouldn’t respond to my commands. This was all so strange and I could tell by the look on my Ghost Mom’s face that she understood my frustration.
“Sorry Dear…I can’t have you up and running about! I’m your guide and that means I am in charge of the comings and goings here.
I tried to look around, but all I could move were my eyes. I looked from side to side, but all I could see was darkness.
“W-Where are we? I can’t see anything!”
Ghost Sid looked around, stroking her chin as she tried to figure it out for herself.
“You know…I was supposed to be taking you to see Troy…but between you, me, and the lamp post…Troy is an idiot! We are going to skip seeing him…it’s not like he was going to be showing you anything interesting anyway! It’s just a bunch of shit you already saw!”
“Who is Troy? What is he supposed to be showing me?”
Sid rolled her eyes, smirking as she did.
“Troy, the ghost of the past or something like that. All I know is that he dresses like an asshole.”
“The Ghost of Christmas Past? IS THAT WHO YOU’RE TALKING ABOUT?!”
Sid sighed, looking at me with obvious annoyance.
“Don’t be stupid Kenzi! It’s fucking September! Why would a Christmas Ghost be visiting you now? Troy is just a creepy pervert who probably just wants to replay all of the times you had sex! NO! You will not be seeing that asshole! While I’m on it…I don’t think you’ll be visiting with Georgia either. She’s like a realist or whatever. She wants to show you the present. LIKE, DUH! The present is right here! What in the fuck is she going to show you that you can’t see already? 'Hey Kenzi...look...it's fucking dark!' NO FUCKING SHIT!”
“THAT’S THE GHOST OF CHRISTMAS PRESENT!”
Ghost Sid’s face, which still seemed heavily botoxed even when she was semitransparent, twisted in exasperation.
“WHAT IS YOUR FUCKING OBSESSION WITH CHRISTMAS?! CHRISTMAS IS OVER THREE MONTHS AWAY!”
“Why are you here? What’s this all about? What are you supposed to be showing me? NO! SCRATCH THAT! I already know what I want to see! Show me Sarah! I need to know that she is okay! SHOW ME MY WIFE!!”
“There are so many other cool things for us to look at…why would we waste time peeking in on Sarah? Why don't we go see what happens next on that shitty soap that Sarah watches...the one with the girl who looks like you?”
I was instantly angry and if I could have gotten up, she would have seen just how angry I was! Unfortunately, I was trapped inside my own body, unable to move. I made my displeasure apparent…with my eyes.
“I WANT TO SEE MY WIFE!”
Sid stared at me for a moment, then rolled her eyes, grumbling to herself about cranky lesbians or some such nonsense. She gave a hard sigh, working her hands in a mysterious motion as she did.
“FINE!!”
I wasn’t sure what my Ghost Mom was doing, but whatever otherworldly trickery she engaged in suddenly brought about a change in our surroundings. The crushing darkness receded and was replaced by bright glaring lights and loud Christmas music. I would have shielded my eyes if I could have moved my hands, but I was still pinned to the bed and completely immobile.
“Holy shit!”
“What’s wrong? Where are we? WHAT’S WRONG MOM?!”
My mother was silent for a moment, then she began swearing under her breath. After another moment, she finally managed to respond.
“I have good news and bad news. The good news is that I figured out where we are, and Sarah is here…I think.”
My heart leapt at this news. All that I cared about was that she was doing okay after my untimely demise. There was a bit of a pause as I waited for whatever the bad news was.
“Mom?”
“Errrr…the bad news is that we are at a UGWC Christmas party.”
“Christmas party? Is it December now?!”
Another long pause, then my Ghost Mom added…
“No…it’s still September. These UGWC assholes are just having their party really fucking early! That cheapskate, Hastings is probably just trying to save a few Global Dollars on a nice holiday venue!”
“So…why do you sound like something is wrong?”
“Maybe I better show you…”
I could feel my head start to turn and I was thankful that the bright lights were no longer burning holes in my dead retinas. It took me a moment or two for my eyes to adjust to everything being sideways. I could see lots of people milling around in their Christmas finery. Some faces were familiar and others I had never seen before. The place was decorated in a haphazard style that was undeniably Christmassy, but only if the decorators had gotten into the spiked eggnog before getting to work.
“Mom…I don’t see what’s wrong, I…”
I paused as I felt a shock go through my system when I saw the large banner that hung in the back welcoming everyone…
UNIFIED GLOBAL WRESTLING COALITION
X-MAS PARTY 2023
X-MAS PARTY 2023
“…2023?”
I couldn’t immediately process what I was seeing. Was this right? Had we actually moved forward five years in time?
“MOTHER…WHY IS IT 2023?! W-WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED?!!”
My mother folded her ghostly arms in front of her as she shook her head. Apparently, she was just as astounded as I was.
“Dear, I have NO fucking idea! However, I am sure that we can both agree that September is way too goddamn early for a Christmas party!”
“MOM! DO YOU REALLY THINK THAT’S WHAT’S BOTHERING ME RIGHT NOW?!”
She paused, then turned to me with a look of apology on her face.
“I’m sorry…it’s the Scientology thing, isn’t it? I mean, I know you people don’t believe in Jesus, but I know for a fact that I saw you guys exchanging gifts, so don’t even go there with me!”
If I were able to face palm right now, I would have. Why was I the only one who was weirded out by this situation? Why was I the dead one who couldn’t move and my mother was apparently dead and was free to move around and continue to now make my death as unbearable as she did my life? It was just like the Goofy/Pluto paradox! They were both dogs, but why did dumb ass Goofy get to walk upright and act like a person?! All I could do was resign myself to the fact that this was my new reality and I had to embrace it...I was Pluto and mom was Goofy.
...if this was what fate meant for me to see, then so be it...
I looked around to find Sarah. Once I saw her…saw that she was alright, I would be able to rest easy. If five years had passed in the blink of an eye, I could wait another 50…another 60…or 70 or more until she finally crossed over into the dark and joined me in the abyss. It wasn’t heaven…but it would be once she was here. That was all that I cared about.
I narrowed my eyes as I picked out the familiar faces; I saw Alan Wallace hobnobbing with Simon Wellington. In typical fashion, Alan was dressed to the nines, but there appeared to be even more swagger to the man than usual. I couldn’t help but to notice his arm was draped over a curvy brunette. As soon as she turned a bit I recognized her immediately.
“HOLY SHIT!! GABBY MONTGOMERY!! Wait…she’s with Vain now?”
Ghost Mom stood there with her arms behind her back, rocking in time with the Christmas tunes until she finally realized that my question wasn’t rhetorical. She turned to me with a look of apology.
“OH SHIT! Sorry Dear, I forgot that you’re not privy to the goings on in the future. Yes! Vain and Gabby developed quite the relationship after he finished his movie project with her.”
I racked my brain as I tried to recall any inkling of Vain’s movie career. I vaguely remembered some buzz around the time of Outlast 2018 and the talk of some project he was working on. Honestly, I thought it was a joke.
“Did he make that ‘Best in the World: Why I Rise’ movie?”
Sid nodded emphatically as she clasped her hands together.
“YES! That was it! I guess we all found out why he rose…huh?”
I couldn’t tell if there was a surprised or a sarcastic look on my face, but if there wasn’t…there certainly needed to be.
“Tell me that movie wasn’t a porno!”
“It wasn’t a porno.”
“Thank god! I told Gabby that she didn’t have to do pornos anymore, I…”
“Oh fuck! I thought you were kidding! NO! Of course that movie was a porno! Listen to the stupid title Dear! ‘Why I Rise?’ That dumb tag line has followed the two of them every since they made that thing! I guess once he got a taste of the Caramel he just couldn’t give it up…”
I couldn’t believe that Gabby was still doing porn, after I had done my best to get her out of that lifestyle by releasing her mainstream movies. I knew that a business arrangement with her would carry a certain stigma for the association alone, but I knew that if I introduced her to the possibility of a film career where she didn’t have to get drilled on screen by 10 dudes at once, she might be looked at more seriously. It bothered me that I never got to finish showing her that she didn’t have to continue in that industry.
In answer to my thoughts, Ghost Mom responded;
“Don’t worry Dear, your influence did pay off. That movie was her last porn flick. She took the profits she made from your mainstream releases of her movies and opened her own studio; ‘Caramel Films’ and Alan has featured prominently in all of them! Her work had all been behind the camera, while Alan has been her lead performer; ‘Bhor: The Dark World’ lots of interracial in that, ‘Drain the Main Vain’ that was a good one, ‘Bhor: On The Rag I Rock’ was a popular sequel…nasty fetish stuff though! He’s done a TON of movies since then! You should be proud, you really turned Gabby into quite the industrious film maker!”
That wasn’t quite what I was aiming for with her, but at least she was doing well. I continued scanning the room for any sign of my wife and then I caught sight of a few more familiar faces. I saw Konrad Raab with his wife and several children running around as he spoke with Dave Rydell. In one hand Dave held a large bag with two fluffy heads poking through either side and his other arm was snaked around the slender waist of an exceptionally tall blonde…a blonde that I recognized as she turned to stroke his STILL unkempt beard.
“Angie? ANGIE!!”
The leggy blonde couldn’t hear me…no one could. Still, it was so good to see her there, happy and apparently doing so well…REALLY WELL! The dress she wore seemed to be of an exceptionally expensive cut and her hair practically sparkled with colored gems, in much the same fashion that Sarah had often worn them in. She seemed for all the world like the spitting image of my wife…it was curious that I had never noticed it before.
“Yes…Angie has done very well for herself since taking control of her birthright and then marrying Dave!”
Birthright? What birthright did Angie have?
“Can you believe it? They are STILL tag team champions!”
“Ahem! Cooperative Champions!”
Ghost Sid chuckled, as she patted me on the shoulder.
“I know Dear, I was just making sure that you never lived that down! Oh…well…you’re dead, so I guess you’re not really living anything down now. OH! As for that birthright thing…”
“OH MY GOD!!”
I didn’t mean to cut my mother off, but the next pair I saw nearly floored me. Necron lumbered through the room, everyone giving the seven-footer a wide berth, but what caught my eye was the woman at his side. Dressed in long, black, formfitting lace that clung to all her curves was Roxy…but she looked much different now. Her trademark blonde hair was now an oily black that was slicked back away from her face. Her skin was the color of porcelain, reminding me for all the world of how pale Sarah was. Her make up was dark and the only real color was her eyes that were so vibrant that it seemed unnatural…like the amulet that she still wore around her neck, pulsing green.
“Necron and Roxy have been a power couple for quite some time…well…since Roxy got out of that institution after her breakdown. She ran straight to Necron after that fire, that was totally not her fault, burned Vinnie to death in that Mexican football arena. Those two creepy fucks have been nothing but trouble every since.”
I couldn’t believe it...was Vinnie really gone? Roxy hadn’t been able to break free of Necron’s influence after all. We had failed her…and this was the result.
“If it makes you feel any better…I think Necron allows Roxy to keep Captain 80’s chained in the basement for whenever she is feeling particularly…nostalgic. He just sits in a dark corner smoking those Black 13’s as he watches.”
“EWE MOM!”
“I thought you’d be okay with that! GEEZ!”
It bothered me that none of the other Cool Kids were able to save Roxy from that fate. While she seemed resigned to it now, I knew for a fact that there was no way in hell that she was okay with her hair looking so trashy! Obviously, the bitch was possessed!
I watched as Roxy glided past Angie, the two former allies not even sharing a brief nod in one another’s direction. Instead, Angie perked up when she turned and saw a pair of women walking in. I recognized Maggie Lockheart immediately as she walked arm in arm with Lucy Wylde, long platinum blonde hair all aflutter.
This actually made me feel good. Seeing the two of them back together seemed right and natural. Teaming with Maggie at Outlast afforded me the chance to get to know her a bit better. While we didn’t share the intimate details of one another’s personal lives, I knew from talking to her that she wasn’t over Lucy and she never would be. At least the future had worked out well for the two of them…very well in fact! I was happy that she had gotten back with her...especially if it was meant to be.
I couldn’t help but to notice that Maggie was sporting a bit of a belly…she was pregnant! Several months along at least.
“About six months Dear…but I think you need to look a little closer at the whole picture. Don’t worry, you’re not the first one to make that mistake.”
I had no idea what she meant…until I looked...REALLY looked and then felt my skin heat up and my stomach turn. Maggie wasn’t with Lucy…those long tresses of platinum belonged to Sarah! I had just assumed...
“…mom…?”
My voice was small, but she picked up on it all the same…because ghost…obvs!
“I know! It’s weird right? Seeing the two of them together…knowing how much they despise each other! But, do you remember during Sarah Lacklan Appreciation Night when Roxy told you that they were either gonna kill each other or fuck? Well…Roxy was spot on with that one!”
It was like I couldn’t breathe…which I guess was okay since I was dead…but still. I just couldn’t understand what was going on. I couldn’t understand how this was even happening!
“After you passed, Sarah was despondent…she was put on constant suicide watch. They took that very seriously in UGWC after Lucy Wylde killed herself…”
This made me feel terrible. Why didn’t someone realize that she was in danger?
“Apparently she had been very 'indecisive' over the whole thing…you know…until she wasn’t. Maggie was torn up inside over it. That is how she and Sarah got together…through the UGWC grief counseling program.”
I was still heartbroken and stunned, but at least I could rest in the knowledge that Sarah was okay. I just…I just couldn’t believe that this had happened. I didn’t think that I could ever be replaced…not by anyone.
“Well…to be fair, Maggie’s ultimate expression of love and compassion was more than enough. I mean, Sarah was grieving the loss of two people…you and that unborn child that she could never have with you because of her condition. When Maggie heard about the 5-year plan that you and Sarah had agreed to and how it had all fell apart…naturally, she did what any loving spouse would do…”
I swallowed as I felt my stomach clench and I cut her off.
“No…NO! Don’t…don’t you say it…”
I already knew what she was going to say. I didn’t know the future, but I knew what I should have done after my wife’s world was shattered by the news that she couldn’t bear children…the thing she wanted most in the world.
“Sorry Dear…but, yes…Maggie stepped up and she offered up her shiny new womb! Gently…if actually used at all! You know…because lesbian…”
I wanted to puke…I wanted to curl up and into a tiny ball and die. I knew that it was my duty as her wife to do the thing that she couldn’t do…to do the thing that I didn’t want to do! As soon as Doctor Andrews spoke the words that he did and Sarah fainted…I knew then that I should have stepped up and told her that I would carry her child! I should have done that…even though Sarah knew that I wanted NOTHING to do with children.
My ridiculous hang up was nothing compared to my love for Sarah. When we told each other that we would follow the other into the darkness…into the abyss…it was more than just words to a song. We loved one another and that meant that we supported one another…in all things. Well…almost all things. In this, I hadn’t supported her…I hadn’t offered to make the sacrifice that I knew I should have made. For her part, Sarah never made mention of it. She just dealt with the loss…she lashed out in the ring. If she only had five years left, she meant to make them gloriously violent. No doubt that was going to please Ichabod to no end.
“OH! Absolutely Dear! Ichabod was VERY grateful! So much so that he didn’t mind donating a bit of the old starter baby juice to get Sarah’s and Maggie’s joint venture off the ground!”
“WHAT?!”
Ghost Sid looked at me with a smirk.
“Medical science is advancing…but come on! Two ladies are still not going to make a baby together on their own! They needed a little kick starter! Icky didn’t mind donating a bit of sticky to the mix. I’m not sure…but this might be the very first time that three people have come together to have a baby…where one of them had been dead for five years…”
“What?”
My mother stopped, realizing that she had skipped over some very important details.
“OH SHIT! Yeah…I forgot! Sarah had them harvest a bit of DNA from you…what was left of you at least. I think that is partially why she was able to keep going…she would still have a little Beloved left over…”
She paused, shrugging her shoulders as she burst into laughter at that notion. I had no idea what was so funny, but she quickly cued me in.
“Maggie wasn’t super stoked about having your inferior DNA added to the mix…so…she pulled a bit of the old switch-a-roo!”
“What? Switch? What are you talking about?”
Ghost Sid looked at me, her voice going deep as she eyed me.
“For a filmmaker, you are really REALLY bad at foreshadowing! Maggie switched out that nasty old Kenzi egg for one of Lucy’s! Boy…I really want to jump a bit further in the future and show you the look on Sarah’s face when she realizes it! Oh! I guess I can take you to that moment! We can go there right after the party!”
Admittedly…I was only half listening. My mind was a jumble of confusion and anger. I couldn’t understand how all of this had happened. How much of this was my fault…my fault for being selfish and not understanding that I needed to do the right thing. I was angry at the situation…angry that I had gone into the dark alone…and that is where I would remain…alone. Sarah wasn’t coming to join me…and admittedly…I didn’t deserve it…I didn’t deserve her.
I didn’t do the right thing…not when it mattered most. I had always prided myself on my #Clarity and how much I had committed to being the best that I could be…in all things. That is why I did so much…things that others like Lucy took for indecisiveness. I tried everything…singing, acting, sports, and business. I wasn’t indecisive…I just wanted to try my hand and everything while I was still young…while I still had a chance to be successful. That was part of the reason why I didn’t want children…I didn’t want to risk not achieving my dreams…just like…
“…me…”
I looked up at my mother as she stared down at me…understanding between us for the very first time in a very long time.
“You didn’t want to be like me. Full of regret for missing out in the things that I always wanted. You knew how much I wanted to be right where you are right now. Acting in television and movies…wrestling and winning championships…being rich and successful…”
She shrugged.
“…well…one out of two aint bad.”
I was silent…letting it all sink in…every single bit of it. I didn’t want to become my mother…that was why I loathed the comparisons. I struggled so hard to not be like her…to live every bit of my life to the fullest extent possible…because she had never done that…and she had blamed me.
“I still do…I probably always will. I admit it…I resent having you. If I could go back and change it…I would. I would be living the life you are right now…no children to get in the way…to distract me from my focus…to distract me from being me.”
Another gut punch…my mother was a selfish and ugly bitch. I had always known it growing up…not that it stopped me from wanting her to love me. That was why I followed in her footsteps. I wanted her love…and when I realized that I would never have it…not like I wanted or needed…I decided that I would become the thing that had taken her away from me. I chased her dreams…out of spite at first. Then…I continued…out of vanity. Now…this was who I was…I secretly loved it…the fame and the adulation…all the things that my mother had missed out on because she had me…the things I would miss out on when I had a child of my own.
…how ugly that sounded…terribly ugly…
“Ugly…but true Dear…ugly but true…”
We were interrupted as I heard the voice of the host of tonight’s festivities; the foul mouthed Chaos…who seemed a less-than-appropriate choice to be the MC for a holiday party. Then again…I was fucking dead, so no one gave a shit about what I thought.
The Drunken Buzzsaw was already three sheets to the wind as he took center stage, weaving slightly he stood there dressed as Santa…the dime store Billy Bob Thornton version. He took one last pull of a 40 ounce Chadweiser then tossed the empty bottle aside. It crashed off stage and a woman screamed. He held up his hands apologetically.
“OH SHIT! Sorry about that babe! Donny Boy will toss a couple of extra Global Dollars towards the clean up deposit!”
The crowd chuckled…mainly because they probably knew as well as I did that Global Dollars couldn’t be used for anything like goods and services. He lit a smoke and popped it into his mouth, taking a drag and then addressing the UGWC party goers.
“First off…thank all of you fuckers for coming out to this ridiculously early Christmas party! I know that it seems weird to be having this shit in September, but let’s be honest…only pussies celebrate the holidays on the day you’re actually suppose to do it! Cast in point...for me...it's always Cinco de Mayo!”
He waived and Scott Zane tossed him a pair of Chadweisers. Chaos awkwardly caught the first one, but the second one sailed past him and landed off stage. Chaos flinched as he heard another scream.
“SORRY!! MY BAD!! DONNY BOY WILL COVER THAT TOO!”
Another wave of laughter…Lord Hastings wasn’t going to pay one red penny and everyone knew it. Chaos winked at Zane and popped the top on his beer and chugged a quarter of it down, then let out an impressive belch.
“Now…like I was saying…thank you all for coming out here tonight to celebrate early with us. Put your hands together for the reason for this get together…our reigning and defending World Champion Sarah Lockheart and her wife Maggie!”
Again…I felt that knife twist in my gut…but it was a blade of my own selfish making. I had a chance to change all of this, but I was too concerned with my own future to see that a shared one could have been much better.
“Sarah used the last of her…wink wink…Global Dollars to purchase this special celebration for the impending birth of their first child together!”
Sarah made her way on to the stage, helping Maggie up. Chaos rubbed her belly as he drunkenly swayed, then staggered away. Sarah looked around the room as she held Maggie close.
“First of all…thank you ALL for coming out to help the Magster and I celebrate the birth of our child…our little girl…little Mackenzie Elisabeth Lockheart!”
She will have my name, I thought to myself. That was something, then I looked at Maggie. She smiled…just a bit, with the knowledge that I wasn’t actually a part of the child she carried as Sarah believed. My Ghost Mom leaned in and whispered to me…
“…Elisabeth…that’s Lucy’s middle name…of course Maggie insisted…that fucking cunt…”
I wanted to get out of this bed…I wanted to wake up from this dream. I wanted to rush the stage and choke the life out of Maggie! I might not have lived long enough to make it to our match on Chill, but if I could have had it right now, I would have stomped her guts flat! Of course…she wasn’t the one to blame…I was. All I could do was watch as the woman who had once been my wife continued on…
“Yes! We found out the baby’s sex and she will be coming into the world in three months…which is why we are having this celebration early! Maggie and I won’t be here when the baby is born. She’s the first of her kind, so the doctors want to monitor everything in a controlled environment…”
I could see a bit of anguish on her face, but it passed so quickly that no one else besides me would recognize it. It was fleeting and she had resolved it quickly.
“I wanted to announce to you all that I am giving up my World Title and I am retiring…effective immediately!”
There were gasps from many of the partygoers. Apparently this hadn’t been expected. My mother was quick to confirm this.
“After she returned to ring…she aligned herself with Ichabod and Hastings and she went on quite the tear. She has been champion for so long…most of the new people don’t remember a time when there was another champ. They all laugh when people tell them that the porn star use to be champ…”
I knew how much being champion meant to her…it was at the top of her list of things to do. I was happy that she had achieved it, though it seems she had traded part of her soul away to do it.
“The UGWC and that Title mean the world to me…but nothing means more to me than family…the one I share with Maggie…the one that I asked all of you to share with us tonight. Thank you…thank you all for coming out helping us celebrate the new life that we will soon bring into the world…”
I hadn’t noticed before…but I noticed now. Maggie wore a Christmas sweater that was particularly hideous with it’s bright red and green motif, but that wasn’t what made it ugly…it was the image that was on the front of it…it was my face! I hadn’t noticed before, but many of the party goers were all wearing sweaters with my face on them. Images of me from my movie roles and some of me playing in the LFL or fighting in a Union GP cage.
Sarah reached down and rubbed Maggie’s belly, my face was distorted and stretched out of proportion because of her swollen belly.
“I think the winner of the Beautiful Kenzi Sweater Contest it clearly my wife!”
It wasn’t beautiful…it was UGLY…it was the ugliest ugly sweater contest I had ever seen. No…not that I was physically ugly…but the image that I represented was. I was ashamed…I was terribly ashamed.
“Five years ago we all lost a shining star in UGWC…my former wife Kenzi. She died before she could realize her potential…before we could realize our potential as a family. Thanks to Maggie…and the miracle of modern science…we will reach that potential. Project Kenzi will be the first to produce a child from two female partners…partners that had the faith to believe in one another…to follow one another into the dark."
I heard my mother snort. She looked down at me, shaking her head.
“She’s going to be SO pissed when she finds out that the kid that Maggie shits out not only isn’t hers, but it’s just Maggie’s and Lucy’s!”
She laughed at the thought as I wanted to vomit.
“I have to give major props to Maggie for this. All of the times that Sarah swerved Lucy and Maggie. Remember when she tricked Lucy into the hug…then she attacked her? Or…that time…during the arm-wrestling contest when Sarah punched Maggie’s lights out? BOY This is going to make that look like child’s play! Errrr…sorry about that. Too soon?”
If I wasn’t dead already…I would have died again. All of this was my fault…ALL OF IT! My selfishness had led to all of this. I should have loved my wife enough to set aside my own wants and desires so that she didn’t have to turn to someone else…someone else who did what I should have done…if I hadn’t died…
“Are you okay Dear?”
“Are you okay Dear?”
“Are you okay Dear?”
I ignored my mother as I stared at Sarah. All I could think of was how she had selflessly given up her title reign…the thing she had coveted for as long as I had known her. She had fought the world, across the world, to get to this moment…and now that she had it, she gave it up without a second thought. She did the thing I was unwilling to do.
If only I had a second chance…a chance to do what I should have done from the start. Instead of following in my mother’s footsteps, I should have been striving to be better than her…not just in her career…but in all things.
If only I had a second chance…a chance to do things over again…
EPILOGUE
"Are you okay Beloved?"
"Are you okay Beloved?"
"Are you okay Beloved?"
I blinked as I looked up into Sarah’s terrified face. Her hands were shaking as she held me, red eyes searching me for signs of injury as I lay on the bathroom floor where I had fallen. Though she was stricken, I was relieved…relieved that my nightmarish dream had not come to pass after all.
“I’m calling Doctor Andrews!”
I reached up and touched the side of her face, just to make sure that this was real. It was…and I was relieved that she was here with me. I smiled…weakly, but it was a smile all the same…
“You know I love you more than Maggie…right?”
Sarah arched her eyebrow as her concern deepened.
“OKAY! That’s it…I’m taking you to the hospital right now!”
She started to get up, but I grabbed her arm and stopped her. I pulled myself up, shaking my head.
“I’m fine…or…at least I will be.”
I put my arms around her, kissing her cheek as I breathed her in. Wave after wave of relieve washed over me. I was glad that my apparent nightmare hadn’t come true…that I had gotten a second chance to do the thing that I should have done from the start last Friday.
“…baby…I…I want to tell you something…”
Sarah held me back, looking at me. Concern was still etched across her face. I took a deep breath as I prepared to right the wrong I had committed when I didn’t set aside my selfishness to keep our 5 year plan alive. I opened my mouth, and the words that came out surprised me…
“…I love you…”
I chickened out…again. I reached over and hugged her tightly, even as she responded in kind.
“…I love you too Beloved…”
It wasn’t that I had learned nothing…just that I was apparently still not ready to stop being like my mother…or my Ghost Mother for that matter. Maybe in time I would come to terms with this and I would find a way to not be like Sidney Grey.
…maybe…in time…
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