Post by LoverboyVinnieLane on Nov 3, 2018 19:59:21 GMT -5
“Whoa!”
Vinnie Lane, sitting in nothing but a pair of bright white boxer shorts adorned with red hearts, leans forward on the edge of his couch with a death grip on his Xbox One controller. The headset over his platinum blond hair slips off from the sudden movement and flops forward over his face, causing him to lose his grip momentarily while he adjusts. In the meantime, the squawking voice of a prepubescent male screams out from the earphones.
“WHERE DID YOU GO PLEB? NOOB FAGGOT. STOP BEING A BITCH!”
Vinnie’s face is aghast at the language, and he doesn’t seem to be handling the dressing down well as his voluptuous fiance, the #CoolestCoolKid, Roxy Cotton saunters into the room dressed in tight spandex workout gear and carrying with her a pair of wine glasses, setting one down on the table in front of Vinnie and taking a sip of the other.
“Dude, I’m trying! Relax little guy!”
By now the headset is back in place, and the voice is therefore muffled to incomprehensible chatter. Vinnie hears it loud and clear, though.
“Dude! So rude!”
“Vinnie why are you still playing this dumb game? We need to work out. You have a match for UGWC soon.”
Vinnie holds up a silencing finger, rolling his eyes.
“First of all, babe, Fortnite is not some dumb game. It’s like THE game. And just because an eleven year old may or may not have just called my mother a lezbodyke carpet muncher does not make it any less cool. Second of all, what match?”
Vinnie goes back to fervently pressing buttons on his video game controller, twisting and jerking his body along with his movements on the unseen screen. Roxy finishes her glass of wine and swaps it with Vinnie’s. He doesn’t notice.
“Well, I think it’s retarded. You spend way too much time getting made fun of by elementary school kids on the internet. And, uh… what do you mean ‘what match?’ You challenged Captain 80’s to a UGWC Chill match. Duh!”
“Ohhh… right… hey when is that?”
Roxy’s eyes widen.
“MONDAY, Vinnie. Like, THIS Monday. Day after tomorrow? Have you prepared at ALL?”
A loud boom from the screen happens and Vinnie throws his hands over his head, looking frustrated.
“Damn it! Stupid snipers! Where the heck was he??”
He puts a hand to his earphone, focussing on the words coming across to him from the ether. His face contorts into shocked disgust.
“My mom isn’t even JEWISH dude why would you say that???”
He pops the headset off after listening with his mouth wide open for a few more seconds. After setting it down next to the empty wine glass he shakes his head and looks at Roxy.
“Maybe you’re right, dude. I could use a break from this game. Those kids are INTENSE.”
He picks up the glass, shaking around the remaining droplet in the bottom.
“Dude, could you get me a refill? I must have finished mine.”
“Sure bb. But come with me, okay? I’ve got a surprise for you.”
Vinnie, having experienced many of Roxy’s surprises over the course of their nearly five-year relationship, looks nearly giddy as he leaps to his bare feet.
“As you wish, m’lady! Which bedroom are we going to? The one with the rotating circular bed? The one with all the mirrors? Oooooo, how about the petting zoo?”
Roxy stops mid-stride.
“The petting zoo?”
“Uh… I probably dreamt that last one. You know how you aren’t supposed to sleep with nicotine patches on?”
“Yeah?”
“Well, like, I lost a bet on the last Tenochtitlan game and might have had to spend the night with an entire pack on.
“VINNIE!”
“It’s cool, babe! So… which one?”
“Vinnie, we aren’t going to the bedroom.”
His face gets even more excited.
“Heck yeah! Branching out! We haven’t done it in the laundry room yet. Or the panty. Oh! Or the gardening shed! Lemme just text Pipo and make sure he isn’t around…”
“Vinnie…”
Roxy hangs her head as Vinnie starts smoothing his palms down the outside of his boxers, looking for his cell.
“I know I had it here a minute ago…”
“Vinnie!”
“Oh, right, I threw it at the TV when that second grader said I had no dick. Right! Okay, here it is…”
“VINNIE!”
“Huh?”
Vinnie finally comes out of his distracted mindset, noticing all at once that his woman is standing with her hands planted on her hips with one Nike tapping furiously on the floor. For anyone with little understanding of body language, this woman is unhappy.
“Forget texting anyone and just follow me. Fuck’s sakes.”
She holds her hand out, wiggling her fingers. Vinnie steps up to her and takes her hand, planting a kiss on the back of it that washes any semblance of annoyance completely away from Roxy’s face. She smiles and turns around, leading Vin from the room by the hand.
Roxy leads him down a hallway, stopping about halfway down to grab a stack of clothes she’s set aside on a small table. Bright, hot pinks and purples of what look to be lycra garments. She shoves the clothes into Vinnie’s chest and then heads for a doorway, swinging it open and heading in.
“Change into those, you’ll need them.”
“Are we… roleplaying? As super heroes?”
“Vinnie, god… just… change. Use the guest bathroom there.”
Roxy heads into the doorway and Vinnie does as he’s told, slipping into a side bathroom.
STAR WIPE POWERPOINT SPECIAL EFFECT
A moment or two later, our hero emerges from the bathroom dressed in long pink tights that gleam in the hallway lights. Leg warmers puff put over his Adidas sneakers. His ‘shirt’ is barely more than two long elastic strands extending over his shoulders like purple elastic suspenders.
“She is getting SO kinky…”
Vinnie mutters to himself as he follows in the doorway Roxy had disappeared into. He steps in, shuts the door, and immediately his chest is drenched in sweat. His bangs wilt over his hot pink bandanna like dying flowers.
“Rox, what the fuck? It’s like 95 degrees in here!”
“Duh! We’re going to do hot yoga.”
“Hot… what? What are you talking about dude, you said we were gonna bang! I can’t bang in a sauna… oh, hey wait, we never banged in the sauna! You know, we could…”
“VINNIE.”
“Huh?”
“I never said anything about sex. I said I had a surprise. The surprise is yoga, to help you prepare for Chill! Besides, isn’t it, like, No Nut November or some shit?”
“Oh yeah, but I totally blew that like four times already. Maybe next year!”
“Ugh.”
“Well… why does it have to be HOT yoga though? I mean… this is just like stretching and stuff, right? Aligning the chocolates or whatever.”
“Chakras.”
“Whatever.”
“Vinnie, Bikram is done in hot, humid atmosphere. It helps to purify your body and cleanse your system.”
“I told you dude, four times already…”
“No. No… Vinnie just shut up and listen. You’ll thank me after your match, when you’re not injured or headed to the ER for an IV of emergency fluids. Just do what I do, you’ll be fine. Here. Stand behind me.”
Vinnie mumbles but does as he’s asked, standing directly behind Roxy on a rubber yoga mat she’s set out for him.
“Okay… let’s just do a few warm ups first…”
Roxy says, while beginning to stretch out her limbs a little.
“It’s pretty warm already dude…”
“Vinnie. Stop. You need to focus and get your endurance up to par. Captain 80s is REALLY strong, and in fantastic physical shape. You haven’t wrestled in at least six months.”
“I was in that battle royal!”
“For like thirty seconds. It was sad. Everyone was asking me if you got in using a Make A Wish.”
“Was is Sarah?”
“Duh.”
“Yeah. Duh. Okay, fine, it wasn’t awesome. But it was fun and for a good cause! Although, like after hearing Sarah said that maybe it wasn’t such a good cause… kinda wish I’d have at least tossed out Dave Rydell.”
“Same.”
“Okay, well, let’s get this over with I guess… what have you got for me?”
“Really simple… let’s start with a downward dog. Okay?”
“Uh, I think I know what that is… I mean… right?”
“Vinnie get your mind out of the gutter for ONE second, okay? This is great for the back. And your core muscles, too! Here, do what I do…”
Roxy gets down on all fours.
“Yup. Definitely know this one.”
“Vinnie!”
“Sorry.”
Roxy breathes deep, then lifts her hips up high, sticking her backside up in the air directly in front of Vinnie. He fights the urge to play bongos on her bottom, but as he’s laughing about it to himself he notices something strange. Through the sheer fabric of Roxy’s yoga pants he sees an outline. An M shaped silhouette on her right butt cheek.
“Whoa! Roxy! What the heck dude! Is that a tattoo???”
Roxy immediately drops down from her position and stands up, twirling around to face Vinnie.
“What, that? That’s just a temporary tattoo. Nothing permanent. I wouldn’t get a REAL tattoo, you know that!”
“Yeah…”
Vinnie says, skeptical. He turns Roxy around and tries pulling down the elastic of her waistband while Roxy does her best to prevent it.
“Vinnie! We need to finish!”
“No dude, lemme see it… what is it? An M for McDonald’s? That’s weird. Or… oh. Okay. I see.”
Vinnie’s managed to drag down the waistband just enough to reveal the temp tat. The image is of Captan 80s’ familiar face paint.
“Vinnie it was just for fun! Just… you know, everyone hanging out backstage, letting off some steam?”
“You let off steam by putting my opponent’s logo on your ass cheek?”
“He’s my Tug o’ War partner Vinnie!”
“He’s a prick. And he’s not branding my woman!”
“Branding? And excuse me? YOUR WOMAN?”
“Yeah dude!”
“Oh really? You own me now? I’m your property?”
“I don’t know dude, if I say yes can I brand you like a goddamn steer?”
“Hey!”
“Hey NOTHING dude! This is the end of it. I’m putting a stop to it. Monday, I’m getting in that ring and I’m knocking that roided out meathead’s block off, and you and him aren’t spending any more time together that isn’t strictly business. Butt tattoos. Jesus. What’s next? He gonna put a shock collar on you and give you 1000 watts every time you aren’t giving him enough attention?”
“Vinnie come on…”
“No dude YOU come on! This is enough! I’m tired of looking like some wimp who lets his girlfriend tell him what to do and just smiles and takes it. Meanwhile some beefcake goon comes over and raises his leg to mark his territory while I’m not around? No way. Nope. This is finished after Chill. Done. And you know what? This yoga shit tonight is done too. I don’t want to look at that dude’s billboard anymore. I’m going back to play more Fortnite in my underpants… actually, you know what? No… I’m not. I’m gonna take a ride to the gym. Need to let off some steam. Go a few rounds in the ring. Don’t wait up, babe. I’ll get home when I get home…”
Vinnie, still visibly unhappy but unwilling to be too rude to the love of his life, gives Roxy a quick peck on the cheek… and them slaps her on the ass, eliciting a sharp yelp form the blonde bombshell.
“And when I get back? That thing better be washed off. I’ll be checking. And if there’s even a shadow left, I’ll be giving you way more of a spanking than that. You hear me?”
Roxy tries to hide her expression by looking at the floor, because the sides of her mouth are creeping up in a smile.
“Yes daddy.”
“What’s that? Speak up.”
“YES, daddy… I’ll fix it.”
“Good girl.”
Vinnie nods, then storms out of the yoga room, slamming the door behind him. Roxy looks up, beaming, and bites her lip.
“Good… now he’ll be ready.”
THE END
x1