Post by Magdalena Lockheart on Nov 3, 2018 22:51:07 GMT -5
Magdalena Lockheart Presents:
“Hard”
October 30th, 2018 // 12:48 AM
Columbus, Ohio
“What a day...”
Despite the fact that her entire body was sore; that she had just rediscovered “The Living Weapon” in Jet Somers and earned some new scars in the process, as well as somehow walking out of that match victorious, she wasn’t as happy as she thought that she should have been.
Twitter and other messaging apps were ‘ringing off the hook’ - as the man known as Vain may describe such a thing - Her phone was filled with so many offers of congratulatory tidings and endless strings of grinning emojis that it felt physically heavier than it did just a few hours before. But Maggie wouldn’t have any of it. Even though it did feel good to be at a point in her career where a lot of people wanted her to succeed, checking the messages only served to bring her back down to Earth. For all the thousands of her fans offering their praise, there was still an empty screen when she looked for the one that would matter to her the most. The more the phone beeped, the more disappointing it was.
“If you’re not Luce… don’t bother.” she said to the phone as if it were listening. It beeped anyway. Against her better judgment, she glanced anyway. “Nope. Not her. Hah- why am I so not surprised?”
She sighed.
“Ugh…”
No one had previously brought the UGWC Cross-Hemisphere Championship and the Carnage Wrestling UltraViolent Championships so close together. Tonight she had earned the right to carry them both at the same time. All it took was toppling 31 other competitors in a hardcore-themed tournament win a not-so-subtle manipulation of Hall-of-Fame worthy Alan Wallace, but the end result spoke for itself.
Maggie checked her phone again, just to make sure, but the message was indeed from Ichabod and not someone with the last name Wylde. It said something about bringing the Cross-Hemisphere Championship to Chill -- she only gave it a passing glance.
“...fucking choad... ”
Maggie’s fingers tapped the screen feverishly. She responded that she’d ‘be there with bells on’, the response drawing a smirk from her lips as the cliche game had been a source of amusement. Even if going to Chill and main eventing again meant that she’d be put one-on-one against her brand-new frenemy, and even if her body could desperately use the week off, she reminded herself that this is what champions do. Without hesitation she pressed send. She’d be at Chill with bells on, whether she felt like it or not.
With that message send, she threw her phone across the room.
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“Uhm… Maggie?”
“Yes Glenn?”
“It’s uhh... ” Glen blushed. “It’s a little cold for this dress.”
Welcome back to the #PrincessHotGothSexyUGWCParodyCast! In this month’s episode (as viewed exclusively on the #HotTakes Youtube Channel) your screen fades in from darkness to reveal Glenn the Proxy’s hairy legs hanging out in the chilly Maine air between the bottom of a low-cut black dress and some KILLER four-and-a-half inch black stilettos that totes cost a lot more because of their designer label. (Obvs.) The view pans upward to see Glenn wearing a silver-colored wig on his head, dark-hued makeup smeared on his face, and his doppelganger Magdalena Lockheart standing directly to his right.
“Shush it!” Maggie replied as she pointed a finger up at him. “Beauty has its price, my dear proxy. Surely you can put the weather out of your mind and focus on the task at hand for as much as I’m paying you.”
“Yes Miss Lockheart.” Glenn replied, shivering.
“You do look good though.” She said with a grin. “Now come, Beautiful Glenndalena. Before those vicious guard spiders pick up our scent.”
Glenndalena’s painted eyes widened in fear.
“Guard Spiders?!”
“Oh yes. Supremely vicious. Highly venomous, have a sprint time that would make an LFL Wide Receiver jealous.”
“Oh god-- Maggie-- don’t go off without me-- wait up!”
While watching Glenndalena try to run in heels is totes pure entertainment value, the scene is dominated by its backdrop. The view pans over to see the massive Lacklanland Mansion in all of it’s parody glory. Armed Guard Pigeons stand at watch in little watch perches with cute little camouflage helmets and likewise sized rifles with bayonets strapped to their wings. Maggie times up her approach with a distraction offered by one of her SnailMail snails -- and we briefly see a clip of her talking to the snail and sending it on its mission two weeks prior -- she swiftly breaches the guard perimeter with ease. Glenndalena, on the other hand, struggles to stay upright in his sexy footwear. He stumbles through the perimeter with all of the grace of one of the three stooges, but somehow makes it through all the same.
“What are you trying to do? Get us caught?” Maggie whispered.
“No Ma’am.” Glenn whispered back. “I take my work very seriously.”
Maggie glanced at the man in the black dress.
“Yeah… sure… just keep moving sweetie.” She said while trying to hold back a laugh. “Better be careful, your seam is tearing in the back.”
Glenn glanced at the back of his dress and sighed.
“Can this day possibly get any worse?”
Just then...
“HEY! YOU TWO! HOLD IT RIGHT THERE!”
Glenndalena gasped as indeed it could get worse. Both Maggie and Glenn looked up to see one of the members of Sarah Lacklan’s Legion running straight towards them.
“Did you think you could just waltz into the Lacklanland Mansio-- Oh geez, I’m terribly sorry, Ma’am!”
But just as the Legionnaire went to stop them, the poor girl stopped herself and crossed her arms over her chest and bowed to the two Magdalenas as if they were the Kings of Wakanda. Glenn and Maggie glanced at each other and both shrugged their shoulders.
“Uhh- I don’t understand...” Glenn said as he looked over at Maggie wondering what to do next.
Maggie thought about it for just a moment. She turned to the Legionnaire.
“Member of the Legion, identify yourself.”
“M-my designation is Legion Member #1337… Ma’am.”
“One-three-three-seven?” Maggie said questioningly. “Why is your number so high?”
“W-well, you know, all of us… we all have… like… our own… uhh thing.”
“Alright 1337. Spit it out. What’s your thing?” Maggie replied.
“I uhh… it’s a little embarrassing… but I… uhm… my thing is that I can’t tell Sarah Lacklan and that dumb ugly you-know-what Magdalena Lockheart apart.”
Maggie glanced over at Glenndalena. Glenndalena glanced back at Maggie.
“So...” Maggie turned back towards 1337. “...do you know who I am?”
“You’re the Firestarter herself, of course.” 1337 replied. “The owner of this house and the rightful heir of her Lacklan heritage.”
“...and my friend here?”
“She’s you as well M’Lady.” 1337 quipped. “A perfect replica in every way. Vain won’t suspect a thing!”
“Very good 1337.” Maggie replied with a smirk. “Remind me to raise your pay by… oh… let’s be modest and say two-cents an hour.”
“Oh my lady, are you sure?!” The poor high-numbered member of the Legion replied.
“Uhh… yeah, why?”
The legion member replied with tears in her eyes.
“I’ve never been paid before -- thank you!!!”
>> Fast Forward >>
“So what are we doing in here, exactly?”
Magdalenas and Glenndalenas heels tap through the halls of the Lacklan Mansion as Maggie searches for the door that will lead to the dungeon basement.
“It’s simple my dear proxy.” Maggie responded quietly. “This week on UGWC’s top brand, Sarah and I are tasked with generating ten new nicknames for your old boss Vain.”
“Yeah?”
“So...” Maggie opened a door. It revealed a room filled from floor to ceiling with kittens packed so tightly that they couldn’t move. They just meowed in different states of distress. She closed the door just as quickly. “If I know my buddy as well as I think I do, she has a moniker generator in here somewhere.”
“...a moniker… what?”
“Generator, Glenn.” Maggie tried another door. Due to the sexual nature of the contents of the room, everything is blurred out. Maggie gave pause, apparently it had something to do with lesbians. Glenn had to tap Maggie on the shoulder before she would close the door. The door was labeled as ‘Kenzi’s room’. Something about this didn’t seem quite right, because Kenzi is most-def not a lesbian.
“Uhh… that doesn’t make any sense, Magdalena.” Glenn replied. “First off, how did you know to send the distraction snail two weeks ago?”
“...intuition?” Maggie tried another door. “A-ha! Basement!”
The two Maggies made their way down the steps.
“Oh-kay-” Glenndalena said. “What about that iffy Legion member finding us?”
“Fucking luck Glenn...” Maggie replied sharply. “I don’t know.”
“...and now you’re saying there’s a Vain Wallace moniker generating machine here? I dunno Maggie-”
“Look.” Maggie turned and pointed a finger in Glenn’s face again. “I don’t want to hear anymore shit about the plotholes of this parody. Okay?”
“Alright. That seems fair...” Glenndalena rolled her pretty eyes.
“You’re not being a very good Magdalena right now, Glenn. You’re not supposed to comprehend any of this!”
“I’ll try harder Ma’am.” Glenndalena replied. “But if you ask me… it’s a pretty shitty take.”
The Alan Wallace Moniker Generation Machine
The two Magdalenas come face-to-face with the reason why they broke into the Lacklanland Mansion in the first place.
The machine towered over the two ladies, even in their heels. A massive hulk of metal, the machine resembled a bank of computers left behind in an abandoned military installation; and appeared to run on miles and miles of disks of brown magnetic tape. Maggie stepped toward its control panel and dusted it off. After pressing a few buttons, lights in bright reds and greens illuminated for the first time in decades and the tape reels began to spin and throw off accumulated dust. Glenndalena examined the control screen.
“I think it’s saying that it requires a passcode for access, Maggie.” Glenndalena said.
“Try PussyLover69.”
...
“Holy shit. That actually worked. But how did you know?”
“Parody, Glenn.” Maggie said with a sigh. “Ugh. Would it kill you to not be completely useless in at least one version of yourself?”
“I’ll try.” Glenndalena replied. “It wants to know how many new monikers you want.”
“That would be ten, Glennie.” Maggie said back. “Ten new monikers for Mr. Vain. Cue the obligatory list!”
Hard 10 -
Ten New Monikers for Vain Alan Wallace
Glenn tapped furiously at the keyboard control panel. The drums spun. The computer banks seemed to heat to the point where small drifts of smoke came out of the top. With all of the buzzing and humming, eventually the machine spat out a crumpled-up piece of paper. Maggie snatched the paper and read it aloud.
10. Chad
“What?” Maggie glanced down at the paper in her hand. “This can’t be right. That doesn’t make any sense!”
“I didn’t think anything made sense in this promotional video, Maggie.” Glenndalena said. “...or is it everything that doesn’t make sense does make sense? Cause you know… magic or some shit?”
“Oh wait… hold on. The paper was crumpled in on itself.”
10. Choad
“My bad. It says Choad.” Maggie glances up at the camera. “Not Chad. Are we sure this machine isn’t set to ‘Ichabod’?”
“Hold on. I’ll check the settings and try another.” Glenndalena replied while tapping away at the keys.
9. Travis Roberts 2.0
“Hmm. That’s an… interesting one. I can see it, though. Vain looks unstoppable at this point. Still think this machine can do better, though. If this was Sarah’s secret weapon to defeat me on Chill this week, I can see why she left it to collect dust.”
“That one’s on me, Maggie. I think I accidentally set it to Hastings. Let me try another setting.”
8. Veen Alan Wallace
“Hah. Okay, that one’s not bad.” Maggie said while reading the third little slip of paper with a smirk. “Everyone knows how much Alan likes his shitty, overpriced water. Nice wordplay. Do another one.”
“Comin’ right up Maggie. Hold on.”
7. Thor, God of Thunder
“Uhh.” Maggie glanced down at the slip. “I’m starting to think this was a wasted trip.”
“I hope not.” Glenndalena said while fixing his flowing silver locks. “I didn’t put all of this makeup on for nothing.”
“This one is as bad as Chad!” Maggie scoffs. “Now if it would have said ‘Bore, God of Cliches’ then I would understand. Ugh. Well, I guess we better do the full ten while we’re here.”
“Yeah. I tried looking for a Magdalena setting… but I didn’t see your name in here.”
“Did you try duck without the k?”
“No… why would I?”
“Just… indulge me, you beautiful, beautiful Glenn.”
6. Borg Queen Vain
“Nice Callback to Outlast.”
“I… uhh… don’t remember Alan ever being a Borg… let alone their queen.” Glenndalena remarked.
“Trust me… you would had to have seen it to get it.”
“Alright. If you say so.”
5. Wallace, Beater of Step-Children
Maggie couldn’t hold back her laughter.
“Oh, my, god.” Maggie continued to chuckle. “That’s the best one yet!”
“I… don’t get that one either.”
“Well Glenn, I can see already that you’re not gonna be in the next parody.”
4. Firefighter Al
“Well, I guess you could say that that one is in the same… Vain...” Glenndalena started to snicker.
“Nice one Glenn.” Maggie smiled. “Too bad it’s not spelled the same.”
“Why would that matter?”
Maggie shook her head in frustration.
3. Mister Synergy… I mean Pay Per View.
“Does it really say Mister Synergy on the paper?” Glenn asked. “Or did you add that part?”
Maggie smirked devilishly.
“Not telling.”
2. Glenn’s Proxy
Maggie’s eyes widened.
“Oh. My. Vain.” Maggie said. “This machine is BRUTAL.”
“Well, it is set to you, Maggie.”
Maggie’s smirk grew three sizes that day.
“Yes, Glennie. Yes it indeed is… isn’t it?”
1. The Catalyst
Sup, Fang Gang?!?!
Ten new nicknames for a man who already has so many is… torturous.
But it’s no less torture than to have to face your own buddy in the very same building that she found out that ‘doing anything and everything that she could’ to become UGWC World Champion wasn’t enough.
That’s okay though. Even though I know it’s going to be tough; even though I know that my bestest frenemy in the entire world would love to cave my face in with one of those Cop Killas - like she has in the past - to start to feel better about herself for failing in such a large degree on such a big stage, I’m not about to let her.
Fighting me on Chill is going to be… hard.
In this business, sometimes we have to fight people we don’t want to. And that’s hard. But I wouldn’t just walk out there with the Cross-Hemisphere championship around my waist and feel good knowing that I gave my buddy any less than my best. I’ve got to give her credit where credit is due, though. Everyone in the whole world knew that she would lose. Even she knew that she didn’t have what it takes to beat Alan Wallace on her first try. I know this because I told her so myself.
But that didn’t stop my buddy from trying. That didn’t deter my buddy from putting her head down and plowing head-first into the supreme challenge that is Vain Wallace. There’s something to be said for that - it’s gotta earn a modicum of respect - even if it was strategy that only a dumb ugly you-know-what would employ.
You see, if anything, Vain Alan Wallace should be known, if anything other than Vanity at its Finest, is ‘The Catalyst’. Why, you might ask? Sure, I’ll totes tell you.
What Alan Wallace has done is something that most of us fighters talk about. We all say that we can do it, but Al actually achieved it. When Alan won both my title and the World Title at Day of Reckoning, Alan Wallace changed the landscape of the UGWC. And just between us, me and the viewing public, I’ll tell ya: the UGWC IS changed… and sadly… or excitedly… I have my doubts that the ol’ Coalition as we once knew it will never be the same again.
Alan is the Catalyst for that change.
Ever since Day of Reckoning, Alan changed not only what it meant to be a UGWC champion, he also changed what it would take to dethrone a UGWC champion. Alan outsmarted the competition in every facet of the business. Through tactics like using his proxy Glenn and picking and choosing his battles, Alan made it so that there would only be one way to take a championship away from Alan Wallace. Al drew the line in the sand and dared us all to cross it. He said, quite figuratively, if you want to be a top champion here in the Coalition, you’re going to have to try to beat me at my own game.
...and in that way…
Alan was the Catalyst that forced us to change, too.
Well, some of us. I can’t speak for my buddy, because she’ll be the first to tell you that I don’t comprehend shit. But Sarah Selena Grey-Lacklan walked into Battleground with the confidence that it used to take to win a title, and she walked out as an example. She walked out empty-handed. She walked out as a point of proof to my little theory.
Alan Wallace is the Catalyst. Alan Wallace dictated to all of us quite clearly at Outlast, and again at Battleground, that we’re all going to have to change to meet him at his level.
Sarah didn’t heed the warning… and look what happened to her.
That’s okay though. Battleground is in the books and there’s really no looking back. Sarah will learn, she’ll grow from her experience and one day, maybe, she’ll be the UGWC World Champion. But Sarah has to learn that when she said she would do everything it takes to become UGWC World Champion… that Alan Wallace has the power to change what ‘everything’ means.
Alan ‘The Catalyst’ Wallace - affecting change wherever and whenever those laced-up boots step into a wrestling ring.
...and here I am, unassuming little Maggie Lockheart… somehow I ended up with something that I hope Alan wants back. But until that time that he decides to come back to take it, I’m reserved to holding this championship belt with the same respect, grace, and dignity that Alan Wallace once held it with a few weeks ago… before he accidentally dropped it in my lap.
I’m going to take Alan’s Cross-Hemisphere championship and do with it what I think Alan would want. I’m going to take the Cross-Hemisphere championship and make it a Cross-Brand Championship. I’m going to champion the Cross-Hemisphere Championship at Chill, against Alan’s last opponent, a strong and motivated opponent in Sarah Selena Grey-Lacklan.
So, at Chill, I’ll serve as Alan’s proxy. This week at Chill, I’ll beat Sarah too and help her realize where her place is just like Al did.
You’re Welcome.