Post by cooltubesource on Dec 7, 2018 15:47:33 GMT -5
Sarah is the Best, Sarah Number One
Oh Mother GreeeeEEEEEYYYYYYyyyyyyy!
Oh Mother GreeeeEEEEEYYYYYYyyyyyyy!
I stretch my legs as I wait for my Mumsie-in-law to get back to me. They hurt. They always hurt. Dear Lord, why do they always hurt?
"My daughter is NOT a lesbian!"
I jumped when I heard her screeching voice. Fuck, I hate how much that happens. My startlement made my legs twist awkwardly and my right knee tweaked. Damnit. That's what I get for recording her voice who fuck knows when and using the clip as her personal text notification. I just have to be SO GODDAMN FUNNY don't I?
Grand Vizier to Her Royal Weirdo
WHAT?!
WHAT?!
Christ. She even sounds that way when she texts. I swear to God...one of these days...
Sarah is the Best, Sarah Number One
I need to know something about Teenage Mackenzie!
I need to know something about Teenage Mackenzie!
Grand Vizier to Her Royal Weirdo
why don’t you ask your grown up wife?!
why don’t you ask your grown up wife?!
Easier said than done, Mumsie Grey.
Sarah is the Best, Sarah Number One
Because Adult Mackenzie is too busy doing something that I need to know if Teenage Mackenzie did 😒
Because Adult Mackenzie is too busy doing something that I need to know if Teenage Mackenzie did 😒
Grand Vizier to Her Royal Weirdo
Fine! Did what?
Fine! Did what?
Take a moment, Sar. Phrase this right. Set the phone down. Good. Stretch a little more. There we go. Calm. Focus. Control. Just like in cheer. Or dance. Remember ballet? Poise. Good. Now try.
Sarah is the Best, Sarah Number One
Did she ever talk to herself? Or maybe mutter alot?
Did she ever talk to herself? Or maybe mutter alot?
Hard to breathe as I wait. Kenzi has been doing this for a few weeks now. Its weird. Never did it before. At least not that I noticed? But I notice everything. Right?
Grand Vizier to Her Royal Weirdo
Not that my mother ever told me. What is this about?
Not that my mother ever told me. What is this about?
Ugh. Great timing to run into Sid being Musmie of the Year. Can't believe she shipped off Ken...MY BEAUTIFUL KEN...to live with Grandmumsie for so long. She missed out on something wonderful.
Sarah is the Best, Sarah Number One
She's doing that a lot lately.
She's doing that a lot lately.
Understatement of the week right there, Sar-Sar. Been hard to get through to her sometimes. Lots of love. Lots of time together. Lots of intimacy. But something...else...too.
Sarah is the Best, Sarah Number One
Now, she's ubes busy, obvs, with our production studio, and spending a ridic amount of time with Slutsberg, so that would make anyone cray cray, tobvs, but it's just nothing I have seen her do before. And I've seen her inside and out, ya know? Like, literally. Cray how small they make cameras now!
Now, she's ubes busy, obvs, with our production studio, and spending a ridic amount of time with Slutsberg, so that would make anyone cray cray, tobvs, but it's just nothing I have seen her do before. And I've seen her inside and out, ya know? Like, literally. Cray how small they make cameras now!
Heh...that had to bug her. I like bugging people.
Grand Vizier to Her Royal Weirdo
I could live without that knowledge.
I could live without that knowledge.
Heh. BLAMO!
Grand Vizier to Her Royal Weirdo
What else have you noticed?
What else have you noticed?
Hmm. Interesting. Good time for a lie.
Sarah is the Best, Sarah Number One
Nothing else. Just something that I hadn't noticed before, thought it was maybe something from before we started having all that extreme lesbo banging. If it's nothing, then I'm probably just imagining it. Thanx, Mumsie!
Nothing else. Just something that I hadn't noticed before, thought it was maybe something from before we started having all that extreme lesbo banging. If it's nothing, then I'm probably just imagining it. Thanx, Mumsie!
Grand Vizier to Her Royal Weirdo
Let me know if you notice anything else. Drinking, reckless spending, abusive behavior.
Let me know if you notice anything else. Drinking, reckless spending, abusive behavior.
Reckless spending? Whatev. So WHAT if she bought a yacht? And a ladies underwear football team? And an endangered animal. And a gold-plated helicopter. Wonder what happened to that thing? Whatev. Nothing reckless there.
Abusive...
Grand Vizier to Her Royal Weirdo
I may reach out to Dr. Steve.
I may reach out to Dr. Steve.
Bleh. I met Dr. Steve once. Crazy ass dude living in a cardboard box like Child Maggie. He's got NOTHING on Dr. Reznik. But now I'm sad.
Abusive? Kenzi has NEVER treated me anything less than I am worth or deserve. I, on the other hand...
Sarah is the Best, Sarah Number One
My wife has NEVER been abusive to me. That has always been my fault 😔
My wife has NEVER been abusive to me. That has always been my fault 😔
Grand Vizier to Her Royal Weirdo
You know that I mean. Watch my daughter!
You know that I mean. Watch my daughter!
Hmm. This should end this conversation...
Sarah is the Best, Sarah Number One
Watch and let you know when she starts acting like you.
Got it 📝
Thanks, Mumsie! 💋
Watch and let you know when she starts acting like you.
Got it 📝
Thanks, Mumsie! 💋
Been a while since I heard her voice telling the lie about Kenzi's sexual orientation. Ugh. "Yo, I'm not gay!" Right, Ken. Sure. Pretty sure our dozens of sex tapes prove otherwise, not to mention our rings and certificate. Whatever. At least she isn't towing that "I don't even like girls" line, anymore. That was just straight up embarrassing. People seeing her walk me around like some damn love-sick sexual conquest and she wasn't "into" me. But I set her straight on that a LONG time ago. She can do that whole "Don't put me in a box!" thing all she wants, but I was DONE with people thinking that my girlfriend and future wife "didn't even like" me.
Fuck, I wish I hadn't have done the same to her a few weeks ago. I HATE how I made her feel by flirting with Amira. WHAT THE FUCK WAS I THINKING?!
Breathe, Sar. Breathe. Stretch. Feel yourself. Feel your body.
Legs straight.
Hands at the sides.
Deep breath.
Ready, okay!
Running...running...leap forward...hands out in 5's...legs up and hands on the ground...push off...land back on my feet.
Nailed it.
But FUCK that HURT
WHY DO MY LEGS ALWAYS HURT?!
Okay. Lets do it again. Take a second to look down at my body. My old cheer uniform fits great. GOOOoooooooooOOOOO Vikings! Or something. Its not supposed to fit great, though. My bust is trying to burst out, so THAT is good; the girls needed to swell a bit before I hit twenty. But the leggings are a little baggy. God, I miss my legs. Slowly but surely. Deadlifts are decent, but squats are shit. FUCK I miss being able to squat more than the next meathead. I bet Ang can squat more than me, now. That's a good memory. Not too many good memories of that trip together, just lots of crying over fucking over Ken, but working out with Ang was nice.
Oh, Ken.
I'm so sorry for that trip. Its been a year and a half and I STILL cry about it sometimes.
WHAT THE FUCK WAS I THINKING?!
Breathe. Calm. Focus. The handspring was good. Landing hurt, but it felt good to stretch in the middle. Lets do that again.
Hands at the side. Run! Spring forward...catch the ground...push off....land....
GODDAMNIT THAT HURTS
GOD FUCKING DAMNIT
...............
...............
Breathe.
Focus.
You're okay. Its okay. That's what the braces are for in the ring. No one can hurt you, then. No one can take advantage of this. No one knows. Not really.
Except Maggie.
Maggie knows.
How does Maggie know? I hide it. Not even Ken knows how much I hurt? I need to beat her. Defeat her. Push her down. Silence her voice. If I keep her down, then no one will know. Beat her at Horizons and no one will know. Beat her at Horizons. Con my way into the Global Tournament. Get another shot at the World Title, with the Cross-Hemisphere title around my waist. Earn another Cooperative match with Ken.
WIN ALL THE TITLES
Breathe.
Focus.
Ballet. Remember ballet. Waltzes were for parties, but ballet is for life, right Daddy? Left foot before the right. Slowly rise to relevé
. Ankles are anchors. Raise my arms above my head. Slowly! Take all the counts, Sar! Chin up, ten degrees above the horizon. Poise. Control. Calm. My thighs are shaking a little. Been doing this a long time. Need to keep going. Need to win. Need to prove. Need to-
"Hey, kid."
My heart stops. Oh Lord, that hurt. I can’t breathe. The hands above my head shake. That voice. It’s been-
“Sensei?”
I turn on my toes, able to keep my form. My old teacher would be pleased. Would have made Daddy smile. Perfect ballerina. And there she is. What’s going on? What is this?
“Yeah.”
I lower my arms as I take in my wrestling coach. Life coach. EVERYTHING coach. Nikita Dolore looks just like I remember her, though perhaps...what...more grey? A lot more grey in her hair than I remember. And her eyes. They look REALLY tired. Like mine last year at this time. God...I have watched that video I sent in for Horizons last year...I looked terrible. Sounded terrible. FELT terrible. Nikita looks like this.
“Listen…”
She’s looking around nervously. Why is she so nervous? What is she doing here? I don’t think she has even BEEN to Beverly Hills before. What’s going on? She’s doing that hugging herself thing, too. This is weird.
“...we, um, we need to talk about stuff.”
I can feel my blood pressure shooting up. Was someone hurt? Did something happen?
“Of course. Anything for you, Sensei.”
I finally lower myself down from relevé
, the heels of my feet finding the floor again. I haven’t seen her in well over a year. Not since that surprise visit in New York. Ugh...that didn’t go well. And then at Daddy’s funeral earlier in the year. And then not for MONTHS before then. Missed my birthday. Missed my debut. Missed a lot.
“Why…”
She blinks several times and pauses.
“Why are you wearing your cheer uniform?”
I look back down at myself and shrug.
“All my ballet stuff is in storage. This is the only thing that fits right for this.”
I didn’t want to tell her how Ken and I had found OTHER uses for the outfit. She’s shaking her head as I look up, and the curl in her lip tells me how little she approves. I saw that look a lot during my training. And as she looks me up and down, I see it intensifying. What is-
“I have been catching up on you, dearie. On your career. I’m-I’m worried.”
Worried? What is-
“You’re a failure, kid.”
I can’t breath. What is this-
“It’s like you’ve taken everything I have taught you and thrown it in the trash.”
Oh, fuck this.
“I am a CHAMPION!”
I can’t help but roar. I can’t help but-
“A HARDCORE ‘champion’!”
She roared right back at me, even took a step forward. Are her hands curled into fists? I think her hands are curled into fists!
“You should be competing for WORLD CHAMPIONSHIPS! YOU were meant to wrestle at the top of the card in major venues on pay per view! To put on technical clinics! To change the world! Not be in some hardcore nonsense!”
“I-”
“You have had EVERYTHING given to you! EVERYTHING! And you WASTE it on BULLSHIT! Your father-”
“Daddy was prou-”
“Your FATHER would have FIRED me if he had known you would go this route, kid! Might as well get Corey Page to reopen SIN and let you fight Nazis, terrorists, and that two-headed freak in the circus!””
“Don’t call me kid, Se-”
“I will stop calling you KID when you start acting like an ADULT!”
She starts pacing back and forth, and I want to, as well, but I won’t show weakness. Not now. Not with her. I don’t know where she has come from, or why she is here, or what I did to deserve this, but-
“Smoking? Drugs? Drinking? Running around like some slut, sleeping with Lord KNOWS how many guys-”
“I am MARRIED!”
“AND THAT IS THE WORST THING OF ALL!”
Before I know it, she is in my face. She’s towering over me. She’s not tall, nowhere near Angie, but right now she feels like a monster to me. I feel like a child. I feel like-
“What did I say about getting involved with other wrestlers?”
I don’t answer her.
“What did I say?!”
“...not to…”
My voice is small. I know where this is going.
“To NOT to. And why? What is wrong with getting involved with other wrestlers?”
“...it always ends bad…”
“It ALWAYS ends bad, Sar! ALWAYS! This life we live...its not meant for sharing. Its not meant for love. Why do you think so many of our relationships end so fast? We meet. We fuck. We marry. We divorce. It NEVER goes well. You and that...girl...are going to RUIN each other.”
“Kenzi is the BEST thing that has ever happened to me!”
“Maybe. But can you say the same for her? It’s all just been sunshine and roses?”
I don’t answer. She doesn’t need me to. She was there in New York. She knows how much pain I have caused Ken over the last two years. I’m so sorry, Beloved. Please forgive me.
“I-”
“-have allowed yourself to get distracted. Instead of being on top of the world, you are some forgettable attraction that companies bring out to appease the masses but don’t book regularly.”
“I have a title shot!”
“World Title?”
“Well..um...no...I lost that one...but this one is important, too, because it’s a-”
“A feud?”
The iciness in her voice can’t be missed. This isn’t good.
“...maybe…”
I had to look away for a moment. And her eyes are blazing when I can look at them again. I forgot they did that.
“And WHAT did I say about feuds?!”
Like I even need to think about it. Lesson Number Three.
“...don’t get into them…”
“Don’t get into them! And why not?!”
Damnit.
“...they are distractions…”
“Distractions, Sar! Nothing but petty bullshit! You make things PERSONAL in a BUSINESS and you NEVER get work done! You NEVER become World Champion. You end up fighting the same person over and over again in crazy matches with ladders, or chairs, or in a cage. Hell I once saw two people fight on the back of a moving truck! And I bet you can’t name ONE person in your company who has won the World Title while fighting in some dumb blood feud!”
She isn’t wrong. All of the major players in UGWC have been too busy being in blood feuds to be involved in the World Title picture. Zane busy with Donovan. Lucy busy with Eden. Baal busy with Necron. When Vain won it, he had absolutely NOTHING to do with the title...but maybe that’s why he succeeded? Because Lucy was too busy dealing with…
“...my match is important, Sensei. She-”
“Has NOTHING to do with what I taught you.”
She brings up her hand and counts off her fingers.
“You married WAY too soon. You get into major feuds. You keep up that ridiculous vlog.”
She shakes her head. Best not to bring up Dark Goddess Productions. Or Firestarter Clothing. Or the pigeons. Or the tattoos. Definitely don’t bring up the tattoos. And there is sadness in her eyes. Please don’t be sad for me, Nikita.
“You need to figure out who you are, kid. Are you the world beater I trained? A marketing agent worried about her media empire? Just some dumb curtain-jerker who gets a handful of cheers for setting her ‘arch nemesis’ on fire?”
She pauses and stands even taller.
“I’ll be at Horizons, kid. You tell me who you are.”
I can’t even speak as she leaves. Where did she come from? Where did she go? How did she know where I was? I have so many questions.
I’m done tonight. Done with it all. I get my bag. Go home. The Waldorf. Damn, I miss the boat. And the apartment. Ken isn’t home, but I knew she wouldn’t be. Busy with Roxy. She promised to wake me up when she gets home, let us love each other before the day ends.
I’m tired.
Too tired.
My legs hurt.
The couch is good enough.
Lord, please let me sleep.
~~March, 2028~~
~~ALTERNATE TIMELINE~~
The lid of the coffin slammed shut with such finality that every person in attendance felt dread deep into their bones.
“Can we go home now, Mommy?”
Sarah Selena Grey-Lacklan looked down at her daughter and shot her a glare that made the little girl immediately put her head down in shame. Sarah instantly regretted it, and squeezed her hand tightly three times in rapid succession, a code within the Grey-Lacklan family which sent a silent message of “I love you” regardless of who meant it. After a moment, the child with the caramel skin and a sea of coarse wavy brown hair squeezed back the three times. Sarah squeezes again, this time to draw up the attention of her daughter, and the girl responds after a moment and turns her head back upwards. Sarah is slightly taken aback for a moment, as she nearly always was, by the jarring juxtaposition of the caramel skin and brown freckles of the Grey and the piercing blue eyes of the Lacklan.
“We are almost done,” she whispers gently, trying to put a soothing tone into her voice. She shouldn’t have snapped with her eyes the way she did, but the venue and occasion had her on edge. “Perhaps we will get some ice cream on the way home?”
The child brightened at the hope of ice cream, giving her mother a smile, and then turning back forward. Sarah did the same and, as her famously red eyes turned back towards what was in front of her, she groaned inwardly. The cold and wet day had fogged up her glasses. Again. She pushes her hip out to her side in order to rest the bundle of toddler weighing heavily in her right arm, and reaches into her pocket with her left. Out comes a cloth, black with the golden sunburst-and-cross of the Path of the Light Church, and she deftly wipes at her glasses with the practiced ease of someone who had been performing the act with one hand nearly every time for five years.
A powerful weeping draws her attention, and she turns to her left a little as she puts away the cloth. It was foggy as well as wet on this day, and the inappropriately fashionable veil in front of her face further obscured her vision, but she couldn’t mistake the wailing figure of Gabriel Baal. She had not seen him in a few years, not since his wedding, and while he looked old and tired, that was to be understood. Seeing his wife waste away into nothing in the last couple of years had to have been tough. He used to have a mane of a shining black, but now all that rested on his scalp was a washed-out grey. She was momentarily sad for all the times she had made fun of him for crying while listening to the Cure, because today his grief was fully warranted. Sarah tears away her gaze from him but then instantly regrets it as her eyes land on the tombstone at the head of the hole in the ground:
Here Lies
Lucy Baal
Wife, Friend
No one thought it was a good idea when Gabe had decided to start practicing again and Lucy had then become one of his patients. Even fewer were okay when the two had started dating. And just about everyone screamed about Stockholm Syndrome and how bad things were going to get when they had announced their engagement. Eden had been the worst, of course, even going to far as to outmaneuver Gabe and cut him out of his own company. Then again, he should have seen it coming; it wasn’t the first time Eden had stolen a company out from under the founder, and perhaps he had deserved what he had gotten.
But things had turned out surprisingly well. Lucy began eating again. Putting on weight. Back up above 100 pounds. And the days of her suicide attempts were long forgotten. But then she relapsed. It was quick. Sudden. She denied having the drugs. Denied being back on them. And the next thing they had known, she was gone, just GONE, with a distraught Gabriel looking all over the country.
She was found in some alley in New York, body already stiff with rigor from her overdose.
Sarah pulls her eyes away from the headstone. She and Lucy had never gotten along, but she deserved better than this. Staying away from the grieving widower, Sarah allows her eyes to take in the crowd who had come to pay their respects to the once-proud world champion and found herself unconsciously clenching Braylynn’s hand harder, as well as holding Lorelei just that much tighter to her breast.
She notices that Eden was not there, of course, but that was not surprising. Being spurned by Gabe for Lucy those years ago still stung, Sarah was sure.
Rydell was, which was nice to see. He had taken that “Loser is Never Allowed to Shave Again” match with Hastings back at In Your Hands ‘23 seriously. His beard was down to his knees! Angie probably would have liked that…
A quick shake of her head forces thoughts of Angie away as she notices that Dave is talking to Raab. He and Fitz had had another baby, it looks like, their 13th, she was pretty sure. They would probably have had more if they had been able to get that money issue fixed faster, but it had literally taken years off their life. Hell, they were grandparents, now! Having two kids herself, Sarah had no idea how Fitz’s body had been able to handle so many kids, but she supposed those 4 hour intimacy marathons were effective incentive.
She moves her eyes from them and any coldness she was feeling over Gabe and Lucy was quickly burned away by warmth. She could not miss her beloved wife in any crowd, not with the bright blonde pixie cut contrasting with her caramel skin. She was in the middle of a group and making them laugh, which is what she did best. She knew how to provide comfort in dark times like no other, and this was certainly an occasion in need of lightheartedness. By no means for the first time, Sarah can only shake her head at her wife’s hair: Kenzi absolutely hated making those Vexx movies, but they were blockbusters of epic proportions, and playing the lead roll of Lenore had meant that their bank account was as flush as it ever had been since they started their production company a nearly a decade ago. She had realized that, as long as she smiled and took those big checks, she could deal with having to be in movies she hated pretty darn easily, and she was almost halfway through filming the seven-part series.
Sarah frowns slightly when she realizes that her wife had two representatives of the Church of Scientologists with her. It would have been nice to see Roxy in person, but ever since she became head of the Church, it was harder and harder for her to get away, even for an occasion such as this. But that is what happens when you cure all forms of cancer with a single pill: Your Church elevates you and you have little choice in what you do with your time. At least Vinny got to live his dream of being a trophy husband for a few years before the car accident.
Wallace was in that group, too, at least what was left of him, on the arm of his wife Gabby. Both Sarah and Kenzi had cautioned him about getting involved with Gabby’s porn company, but the stubborn and arrogant man was determined to reestablish himself after losing the World Title to Angie. Getting pinned by one finger after having the Curtain Call shrugged off like it was nothing had completely emasculated him, and he figured that starring in literally hundreds of porn movies would prove just how much of a man he was. But then he ended up in Guinness’s record book for having the most STDs at one time ever, and he had wasted away since then. It was nice of Roxy to be putting so much of her time in to curing all STDs the way she did cancer. Hopefully she would be able to help him before it was too late.
“Ugh...you got fat…”
Sarah narrows her eyes and grits her teeth. She turns around at the sound of the voice she has not heard in years and takes in a seething breath as she sees Magdalena Lockheart. Maggie’s hair was bright orange today, a color Sarah was not sure she has seen on her rival before, and it looks as begrudgingly cool as always.
“I had babies.”
Sarah is QUITE aware that she is nowhere as trim as she used to be. While Kenzi had been very vocal, both in private and in interviews, at how much she loved her “pleasantly plump” body, Sarah is ever annoyed at how round her hips are. Having Braylynn had caused her entire chest cavity to expand, making her torso significantly wider than it had been when she wrestled, and Lorelei had destroyed what little remained of her hourglass figure.
“Always ready with the excuses, Sar.”
Maggie smirks at Sarah with lips lined with far too much makeup, but that had been as much her calling card over the years as anything else. One of their more ridiculous matches in UGWC had been a “Loser Has To Stop Painting Themselves Up Like A $2 Hooker” match, which was purchased by Eden as a rib at In Your Hands ‘21, and neither had complained when they both ended up pinning each other’s shoulders to the mat for three. Eden had tried to argue that BOTH of them were losers and thus had to adhere to the stipulation, but, in a rare showing of one hundred percent teamwork, the two had agreed that they both won, instead.
“Whatev, Mags. What do you want?”
Maggie brushes a stray strand of orange hair away from her shoulder and nods her head behind Sarah.
“To pay my respects. We never really made up, but still…”
Maggie walks past Sarah to look at the tombstone and coffin, and Sarah turns around to join her. She notices Braylynn give a questioning look to her mother, but Sarah gives a her a reassuring wink and squeeze of her hand as she adjusts the baby in her arms. The two woman stand in silence as groups of people around them shift, the stories of Lucy’s life and career already starting to be shared by their peers in that persistent need to find comfort and clarity with the loss of life.
“How have you been?”
Sarah’s voice is small and for Maggie’s ears only, and the answer is just as gentle.
“Decent.”
Both knew how hard Maggie’s life had been over her career. They had lost touch, but Sarah had kept tabs on her. For all of her success in the ring, Maggie’s life outside the ring had been a tragedy of broken hearts. Her famous meltdown with Lucy all those years ago had been followed by an equally disastrous relationship with Jordan King, an on-and-off again affair with Joe Cool, a weekend wedding to Ashley Marie Chase in Vegas that was quickly annulled, and, perhaps the most embarrassing, a leaked sex tape with the Generic Heel. Maggie had punched Sarah so hard in the face when she wouldn’t stop laughing about it that she had broken her nose!
“You?”
Sarah cannot keep the broad smile off her face.
“Magical.”
It had been over five years since her final match, that vicious Valhalla Burial Match with the woman next to her which had left them both scarred and regretful, but Sarah’s life since her retirement had meant children with Kenzi, the thing she had been dreaming of since January of 2018. But her smile fades as the pain from her scar spikes her cheek; between the cold weather and the big smile, the pain reminded her of every bad decision she had made about Maggie. They had fought over the Cross-Hemisphere Title in matches for years, each time seeming to try to maim the other, only taking breaks when they found themselves working together in the Cooperative division. Kenzi had hated that partnership initially, but no one could deny the inherent chemistry for #TeamBUDDY.
“Maggie, I’m so-”
A laugh fills the air which chills both Sarah and Maggie to their bones.
Raspy.
Maniacal.
Deranged.
French.
“Bonne journée, mes enfants!”
The two turn as one and see what they feared: Flanked by men in black and red uniforms, Le Bord de Dieu strode towards them in a shimmering gown of green.
“...Bordy…”
Maggie had had her fair share of battles with the vicious psychopath, but the thing which causes everyone at the gravesite that day to freeze in terror was who strode next to the Champion of Chaos.
“...sister…”
Angelica Lacklan’s frosty gaze took in the people around her with a clear detachment. Her blue eyes saw nothing but insects before them. Bugs to be squished.
“Braylynn...take your sister...get to your mother...and stay there.”
“Mom?”
“Maintenant, mon enfant!”
The little girl quickly took Lorelei from her mother and sped off, concern in the eyes which matched the woman coming towards them, making a straight line from one mother to the other. Meanwhile, Sarah and Maggie found themselves falling into fighting stances, Maggie’s powerful and precise, Sarah’s muscle memory giving her's a rough edge. And still, the duo of Aveline and Angelica approached.
The wars the two teams had had were legend within professional wrestling. When it became known that Angie Vaughn was Sarah Grey-Lacklan’s half-sister, the celebrations were wild and immense. After an initial period of unease, the two had become closer than ever, fighting across the world together. Suddenly, Angie’s ability in wrestling, penchant for winning titles, and ambition to wrestle across the world as a freelancer made sense to everyone: She was a second-generation wrestler, the second-born daughter of hall of famer Jean-Paul Lacklan. Sarah and Angie were inseparable.
Until WrestleStock ‘21.
Angie attacked Sarah from behind before their match in the finals of that year’s Cup, smashing her in the back of the head with a chair, and stealing the victory. She declared herself the TRUE heir of the Lacklan name and had been working with “Bordy” for years, biding their time. She went on to destroy Alan Wallace, once again the champion, at Day of Reckoning a month later, and, through manipulation and outright interference from Aveline and their henchman, remained champion all these years.
Angelica had become who Sarah was born to be.
“...can you fight?”
Maggie’s whisper to Sarah was spiked with a mixture of heat, anger, and caution that the albino knew well. The argument between them had been because Sarah refused to fight Angie, refused to hurt her sister, and that had lead to them being defeated by Angie and Aveline for their Cooperative titles. They went to war over Sarah’s decision. But that was years ago. Angie had shown her true colors countless times since then, had ruled both wrestling and her old home in Maine with an iron fist.
“...forever.”
As Angelica and Aveline Lacklan got closer, Maggie and Sarah prepared for war. Whether face-to-face or side-by-side, they WOULD fight.
Forever.
~~"Lacklanland" in Maine~~
O holy night...the stars are brightly shining…
It is the night...of our dear...Savior’s birth…
It is the night...of our dear...Savior’s birth…
The voice of Sarah Selena Grey-Lacklan lifts into the air with a light grace. She had been trained to sing from a young age, part of her identity as the daughter of a man who was one part athlete, one part politician, one part dignitary. She was trained in music, art, sports. She was to be the ambassador of the Path of the Light Church, and while she had made decisions over the last few years to diverge from that path laid before her, she was still very much a renaissance woman. Her fingers float over the keys of the piano, rising in the triplet figures underneath her voice with a smooth 1-2-3, 1-2-3 rhythm that caused her audience to sway with her.
Long lay the world...in sin and error pining…
‘Till He appeared...and the soul felt...its worth...
‘Till He appeared...and the soul felt...its worth...
The group of children sitting on the floor of the auditorium were in wide-eyed rapture as they watched Sarah play and sing. Each youthful member of the Church looked quite catching in their smart matching uniforms, and each swayed gently with the music. Sarah’s odd red eyes cast over them and a smile came to her lips, and then they moved over to the woman sitting on a stool in front of the piano, her own instrument in hand. Sarah gives her a smile and nod, and that woman takes lips to her horn and plays.
BRRRRRRRRRRR BRRRRRRRR BRRRRRRRR BRRRRRRRRR
BRRRRRRR BRRRRRRRR BRRRRRRR BRRRRRR
BRRRRRRR BRRRRRRRR BRRRRRRR BRRRRRR
The distinctive sound of Angie Vaughn’s vuvuzela might make most who hear it run for the hills with their hands held to their ears, but it was as angelic as Sarah’s voice to the two of them. Even the children took in the sounds of their favorite youth pastor like the very manna from Heaven.
Fall on your knees...
O hear...the angel’s voices
O night divine...
O hear...the angel’s voices
O night divine...
The clarity in Sarah’s voice as her fingers glide over the keys bring tears to the eyes of the children.
O night...
Sarah gives Angie another smile and nod, and together, voice and vuvuzela in unison, they rise up to the famous top note of the song.
Divine!
BRRRRRRRRRRR BRRRRRRRR
One of the children sobs at the majesty of it all. Sarah gives a final nod, her own eyes bright with emotion, to allow Angie to bring the song to a finish.
BRRRRRRRRRRR BRRRRRRRR BRRRRRRRR BRRRRRRRRR
BRRRRRRR BRRRRRRRR BRRRRRRR BRRRRRR
BRRRRRRR BRRRRRRRR BRRRRRRR BRRRRRR
Utter silence as the two finish their duet.
Silence.
Silence.
And then ravenous applause.
The children leap to their feet, hands clapping, feet stomping, hoots hollering, as Sarah stands from her stool, walks around the piano, and embraces her friend. The two have twin lines of tears streaming from their eyes and down their cheeks, a shared bout of ugly crying, before getting ahold of themselves and taking a small bow to the children. After many moments, Sarah is able to both get them settled and her own emotions in check.
“Thank you, children! We still have some work to do on it, but we hope that our duet at this year’s Path of the Light Christmas Pageant will be everything you hope it will be!”
Sarah smiles broadly as she takes in even more cheers and whoops from the children. Last year’s pageant had been but a few weeks after her car accident, and she had been neither in the physical or emotional state to be a part of the show, and like many things in life, she was determined to make up for that lost time. She and Angie were working hard on their duet, and they had even thought about doing some kind of skit that Kenzi would direct, though that was still just a kernel of an idea at the moment. Kenzi was back in California, “where black women don’t freeze to death!” as she had put it, probably working on the post-production of Paper Dolls with Roxy, so it was just the two of them in Maine.
Sarah cannot help but notice that much of the applause from the kids was for Angie personally. Her too-tall friend had spent a lot of time with the kids of her hometown, which was partly at Sarah’s own urging. They both had suspected an ulterior motive when her step-mumsie had offered the part-time youth pastor position to Angie, but thus far it had been an honest affair. Angie was doing great things for the kids in her church, and for Sarah’s money, a second voice in addition to hers about the changes her church needed was a great thing.
“Now...who wants PIZZA?!”
The kids exploded with glee. Angie, too. Who DIDN’T love pizza? Before long, the group had been organized and shuffled into vans, heading out of the “City of Lacklanland” and toward Bangor, where their favorite pizza restaurant, Angelo’s Pizzeria, was located.
On the drive into town, Sarah takes a moment to analyze Angie out of the side of her eye. They had been spending a LOT of time together lately, far more than ever before. All of the #CoolKids were close, of course, though they all had different and nuanced relationships with one another that most wouldn’t be able to comprehend. They didn’t just support one another, they CHALLENGED one another. In her experience, most “cliques” or “circles” in the wrestling business consisted of people who just liked one another’s underwear posts online and agreed with what you said, no matter HOW disgusting or gross, but they were different. They had taken Roxy to task privately over her infamous “dead babies” comment; they had all jumped on Sarah to stop over-exposing herself online...again…; they had spoken harshly to Sativa over her sudden dismissal of Burn and the sanctity of their marriage; and more. But this was...different.
At first Sarah thought Angie was drawn to her because of her overwhelming personality, as so many others often had. She typically got her way because of her ability to take over a conversation, if not an entire room, because of how powerful her personality was, which was the result of both nature and nurture. She figured that the doe-eyed and soft-spoken Angie was blown away by the grandeur of the Blood Princess, that this impressionable rookie was simply looking for a safe space; in technical terms, no more than the dozens of Legion followers, or Fang Gangers, or any other edition of her hangers-on. But oddly, when Angie must have started to realize that even Sarah Lacklan was only human after all, their friendship didn't dwindle. On the contrary, it grew stronger and stronger, despite their many differences in personality. Sarah couldn't quite explain how or why, but especially in recent months, Angie had been seeming to try to get even closer.
In that time, Angie had been at Sarah’s side far more than before, and considering how the year had started with The Chocolate Massacre (RIP Josephine, Ambrosia, Jennie, and Titus), it was a touch surprising. But then again, the two had pledged to chase after the XWA taggie team championships together, so it made sense that they would get to know each other on a more intimate level. Outside of training together and working on their in-ring teamwork, they had spent time watching movies, getting snacks, having sleepovers, brushing each other’s hair, learning likes and dislikes, and more. Overall, it had been a wonderful experience and a reminder to her about how much she had grown as a person. Two years ago, she didn’t have a single friend in the world outside of the compound. Now she had people like Angie.
“Okay, what does everyone want?
A sea of hands shot up and voices screamed out a blurb of nonsense once Sarah and Angie had their charges wrangled and seated in the pizza parlor. The two #CoolKids and massive Vexx fans took their arguing and talking over one another to basically just mean “cheese” and they took that info to the front counter.
“What about you, Ang?”
“Hawaiian! It's the best!”
“Really? Man, I bet Manny would LOVE to argue with you over that.”
“Huh?”
“Its, like, half of his life. Obvs.”
“Oh. Sure. What about you?”
“EVERY PIECE OF MEAT THEY HAVE IN THIS RESTAURANT!”
The hearty cry of Sarah caused everyone around them to stare at the oddly-sized duo, and while most were likely confused by the outburst, Angie herself was not. Everyone in their circle (and within Sarah’s gripe-range, which was quite large) knew that Sarah was quitting smoking as a Christmas gift for Kenzi, which was doing WONDERS for Sarah’s general temperament, you can be sure, but there was a second gift that only the other #CoolKids knew of: Sarah was attempting to go vegan. While not militant like Roxy, Kenzi had left meat behind when she had become a Scientologist, and in a show of faith, Sarah was easing into the lifestyle, as well.
It was not going well.
“My GOD, I miss meat so much! You have NO IDEA!”
Sarah’s cry turned into a wail as they left the counter after placing their order. Angie had mentioned that she was proud of Sarah for sacrificing something so important, but she herself would have to find a particularly cute boy to ever make such a big jump. Becoming a “Nice Southern Female Wrestler (#NSFW)” had meant that her meat consumption had increased by a large margin, and if she had not enjoyed brisket before, she was obligated to now as a Texan. Thus, she felt Sarah’s pain.
A great cheer went up at the table when the pizzas arrived. Several cheese, a couple of pepperoni, one loaded with so much meat that it took three runs through the oven to bake properly, and another piled high with ham and pineapple. And while the children dove into their pizza with vigor and greasy hands clutching cups of soda, Angie’s face grows a dissatisfied scowl.
“‘Sup?”
Angie looks around at the pizzas again and shakes her head.
“Mine isn’t here.”
Sarah cocks one of her perfectly-plucked (thanks to Angie’s surprisingly helpful advice on the stubborn hairs!) eyebrows and motioned towards the ham and pineapple pizza.
“Um...it’s right there, dee dum.”
“Don’t call me a dee dum! Your FACE is a dee dum! That’s NOT my pizza! I ordered a Hawaiian!”
“What are you talking about? That IS a Hawaiian!”
“Noooooo! That is Candaiian bacon with pineapple. That’s NOT a Hawaiian, Sar-Sar!”
Sarah blinks.
“Ang…”
“Sar…”
“What do YOU think is on a Hawaiian pizza?”
“Coconut! Tobvs. What ELSE would the Hawaiian’s put on the pizza? I thought you were a valedictorian, Sar!”
Sarah tries to speak several times but fails. Finally, she closes her eyes and sighs.
“Ya know, I bet if you ask that boy at the counter to make you a new one, he will.”
“Which boy?”
“The cute one.”
Angie’s cheeks flush and her mouth opens wide. She turns her head and sees that, yes, the boy at the counter WAS a cutie. Sandy blonde hair brushed to make it look like it was messy. Strong chin. Deep dimples. Angie slowly gets up from her chair and, like a moth to a flame, goes towards her pizza and destiny.
~~Presenting the PrincessTwilightSexyFang podcast, as viewed on the #1 WANT and DESIRE of ALL kids from Santa this year, the CoolTube app~~
Here we are, Fangers! The FINAL UGWC-central vlog from me is here and I have a LOT to talk about. Now, it has been an ubes busy few weeks for this Blood Princess, let me tell you. I have successfully defended my XWA Hardcore Championship against three people (twice in one match!), had my arm in a sling for a few days (those chair shots from Vespy HURT!), done a SHIT TON of training with my #CoolKids sistren, and -
Chingchingchingching
Hold on, I’m getting a text from Roxy. One sec…
Roxy Cotton, Bimboe Extraordinaire
Is this going to be much longer, bb? It’s already over 6900 words
Is this going to be much longer, bb? It’s already over 6900 words
Ugh. Roxy has SUCH a small attention span. Hold on, let me respond with an appropriate gif…
Heh. That's TWO of my typos in ONE GIF she has to deal with!
N-E-Ways...
Here’s the dealio, guys: I started this year by giving my predictions for the FIRST Coalition card WAAAAAAAYYYY back in January for the first Synergy, and I figured it would be fun to bookend that by providing predictions for the LAST card of the year, our awesomesauce Horizons card. My predictions are usually INCREDIBLY ACCURATE and occasionally even more entertaining than the promotional videos produced by a vast majority of the roster, so I figure NOW is a GREAT time to actually give people what they want.
Let’s do this thang!
Oh, sweet mother. So. Okay. I ALMOST hit up the Nameless/Faceless Consortium when I saw that Salvatore submitted her app to let them know that not only was she the MOST 2-dimensional bullshit wrestler I know this side of Roxi Johnson, but that she was ALSO one of the biggest FLAKES I have ever met.
“OMG Sar, why you bein’ mean?!”
Because I was there in LAW, guys. I KNOW how shitty “Sleep wit’ da fishes!” is and she has done NOTHING to prove herself otherwise since coming to the Coalition other than serve up a tasty side dish of zucchini cooked in bacon fat and onions. Meanwhile, RAAAAAAAAB (totes fun to say!) has been pretty much garbage from Day One, outside of that shocking (shocking!) victory over Jet many moons ago. Then again, Jet has proven HIMSELF to be not much more than a three-course helping of trashcan emojis (more on that later!), so maybe that win isn’t so shocking, after all. That being said, RAAAAAAAB has VASTLY improved since he started here and got comfortable with our style and atmosphere, something that I am 100% positive Maria will NEVER do.
Winner (and appropriate Sar-created gif):
Konrad RAAAAAAB
Let’s break it down a little:
Let’s face it - Ava has been the face of the Chaos division practically all year and, like it or not, deserves some praise. Now, I know SOME PEOPLE are all DER HUR ITS JUST THE CHAOS TITLE DUR but those people are either A) in a MASSIVE slump and therefore don’t consider wins to be important anymore, even though a Mizore-level shallow look into promotional video history from a year ago would show you a VASTLY different opinion when THEY were the ones winning, or B) part of that OMG TH3 ONLY TITL3 THAT MATT3RZ IZ TH3 WORLD crowd. Bitch, please. We ALL know how hard it is to not only BECOME a champion in this company but to also DEFEND a championship, and as much as I do NOT have a great relationship with her, you can’t take away from the fact that only a small handful of people have more title wins this year than Ava. Not gonna retain, though! But I’ll get to why at the end.
Dave Rydell has had a KILLER comeback! He took some time off and has destroyed EVERYONE’S expectations! Three...count ‘em...THREE Cooperative title wins! And while MOST people have (correctly!) said that #TeamAngell has been anchored by Angie, you still can’t take TOO much away from ol’ D-Ry. That being said, there is NOW WAY (#ItsAThing!) he is walking out of Horizons with this title. YES, he has won THREE Cooperative title matches, but do you know how many matches WITHOUT Angie he has won since he returned? I do! ONE! Since winning my Prime Battle Royal, he has gone 1-6 in matches without Angie, and that means that, outside of some crazy Steiner Math (who?), he has ZERO chance of winning this one.
Deimos has been a persistent force throughout the year, accurately calling himself Hastings’ scalpel in his beef with Zane, and has won more matches this year than the last several COMBINED. That is a legit number, yo! But know what is ALSO a legit number? He is the WORST Main Event wrestler in the fed this year! He is 0-7 when in the main event slot, and while THIS isn’t the main event, it IS indicative of how he does in “Big Match” scenarios. While I score him SLIGHTLY ahead of Rydell in this, his chances are still less than Necron’s latest phone monkey surviving longer than three weeks before being eaten by a cannibal, which is dumb shit some of you are into.
T-Pie has had a GREAT year! Now, I know that a record of 9-19-1 is SUPER shitty overall, but its important to note that an astounding FIVE of those wins have been in title matches, a feat which is only matched by (and will be eclipsed by) Vain. Pierce has shown a strong array of variety throughout the year with his “That’s My Pierce!” saga and has wins over two people in this match, including the champion. He WOULD get my vote if not for THIS person:
My #BullySister Roxy ALMOST took home this prize a few months ago, and I HIGHLY doubt that she will let it slip by her this time. She’s the #ForeverChaosChampion from LAW, had a couple of Tag/Co Op titles this year, and is VERY determined to prove that she’s not just some geyser gif on Twitter. In the past few weeks, she has given the champion, by my last count, 86 Muff Divers, and is looking to make that an even 100 by the end.
Winner:
Roxy Cotton
The match I am MOST excited for! For those that haven’t figured it out yet, the CORE reason why the #CoolKids become a #Thing was because we were a group of people who found themselves in this crazy world of wrestling for similar reasons, or perhaps approached it from similar places, and strove to help and push one another. We all have fought across the world, helped one another, pushed one another, and become better for it. Both Angie and Kenzi have been decorated champions in multiple feds, were two out of the three WrestleStock Cup finalists, and are, without doubt, the two closest people to me in the entire world. As such, everyone probably assumes that I am torn between the two.
F that!
GOOOoooooooooOOOOOOO KENZI!
Love you Ang, but NOTHING gets between me and my Beloved! Besides, with a World Title match on the line, you have ENOUGH TITLES AS IT IS STOP HOGGING THEM ALL ANGIE
Winner:
Kenzi Grey
On the ONE hand, this TOTES saddens me, because I used to SHIP these two SO HARD that my lady parts quivered more than Angie’s at a Magic Mike backstage party. But! Oh holy hell BUT! I ALSO was very much a part of that ship hitting an iceberg in the Atlantic and some dumb chick going “Jack! Come back, Jack!” instead of just scootching her big butt over and SAVING BABY LEO I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU LET HIM DROWN. Because of that, I am going to enjoy watching the two of them beat the tar out of one another in a No Holds Barred match, though that is also with the FIRM knowledge that MY recent hardcore match (retained, bitch!) was WAY better than what they are going to do. All that being said, I am pretty damned positive that our Creative Director is going to walk away the winner in this one, and not even because Zane can’t win or anything, but because winning at Horizons when he is not supposed to is something that Donovon has made a #Thing.
Winner:
Donovan Hastings
Talk about some crazy-ass shit, huh? We’ve got most of the “WINS DON’T MATTER WHY DO YOU CARE ABOUT THINGS SAR THAT IS STUPID” crowd all in one place, PLUS a dude SO far past his prime that Hot Rod has already taken the Matrix of Leadership from the cold, hard carcass of the diesel engine. And please GTFO if you don’t get that reference, though Ang is exempt for REASONS. Now, there are some amazeballs stips involved in these matches, including that the Gabster is GONE from the Coalition if he loses, or if Eden decides to fail to beat up Lucy again, and that both Lucy AND Jet are out of the World Title picture if THEY decide to beat up the wrong people. Hooooo BOY what an interesting thing THIS is. Now, even though I have made extensive notes on how 2018 Jet is basically just a black and white version without shading of 2014 Jet, I expect both him AND Lucy to win their respective matches, but also that NO ONE involved will care one damn bit about what happens because, hey, not like any of this shit matters to you guys, right?
Winners:
Jet Somers and Lucy Wylde
Main Event
Going on last but NOT the main event, as the strike code above should clue you in for! I have made lengthy arguments on how I feel about Kem (please go check out Massive Melee and Chill!) and don’t care to repeat what I have said, mostly because nothing she has done anywhere outside of Portland has changed that. Additionally, I personally know how tough Vain is when he gives a damn, and since the universe and God above has decided that once every six weeks is all we care about, there is ZERO chance of Kem walking out of this one a winner.
Winner:
Alan Wallace
THIS is the REAL main event, and everyone watching on Monday knows that. Now, the Magster and I have gone back and forth a LOT over the last year and a half about stuff both important and totes ridic, and there isn’t really a whole lot left to be said. However, there are THREE things which I will bring up here. First….
Now, I’m sure that there are other relevant bits of information about us which we could discuss ad nauseum. You’ve beat X person, and I have beat Y person. You won Z tournament, I won Q tournament. And so on and so forth. But the POINT of this first thing is that I want everyone to realize how SIMILAR we are. Same size (though I have the curves while Mags is fighting Ang for the “Most Boney” Year End Award), same experience. She has a few years on me but we started officially at the same time, early last year. We both are trained by important people (though, without question, Nikita>Jan, tobvs), and we both have over-achieved over the course of our careers. We were both big movers and shakers in our respective EWC brands while I was doing that, we both kicked ass and took names in a variety of locales, and we both force everyone in this business to take note of the new generation.
Okay, enough of that blubbery “putting my BUDDY over” shit. But before I go on, I would like to make a request:
Everyone but Maggie...please stop listening. Shut this podcast off. Now, I know some people are thanking their lucky stars and leaping towards the X button that closes their preferred podcast listening app, but many more of you are no doubt saddened by this. Please, I beseech you, do not be. This thing? Its between Maggie and I, and I have given the Coalition enough marketing material as it is. So please, shut this off. I will give you a moment.
.........................
.........................
You too, Ken. I love you. Thank you for being there for me. You ARE my light in the dark, and I followed you out of the Abyss. But you, too, please.
.........................
.........................
Thank you.
Hello Mags. Second thing:
You don’t deserve that Cross-Hemisphere Championship.
Listen, I am NOT going to go into some in-depth breakdown of your record across the year (...won less than half your matches…) or how you are the second worst main event wrestler in the fed after Deimos (...only won two out of your twelve main events…) or the reverse where I talk about MY record in the fed (...won over two thirds of my matches…) or how I, along with Kenzi, ruled the roost on Chill (...3-0...7-0-1 combined…) or how any of that translates into some fake point system. That is NOT what Lacklan vs. Lockheart is about, ya know? You and I are WAY above that, WAY above such little things. However, my point still stands that you don’t deserve the title around your waist, and here is why:
Wait...wait...real quick:
Beating Baal to retain the title at WrestleStock is a HUGE deal, and you absolutely deserve credit for that. Now, this ISN’T the Baal who dominated the fed in 2016 and 2017, but still, with all the emotions running high and all that CRAP you guys were going though, you could have easily fallen victim to the Serpent's shenanigans and been defeated. But you didn’t. You persevered and put him, and all the shit he represents, to bed, and that is AWESOME. THAT, in my opinion, is the highlight of your career within the confines of the Coalition, and you deserve praise. Additionally, you losing your title to Vain at Day of Reckoning was bullshit, pure and simple. That match shouldn’t have even existed. But, hey, we’re just kids, what do we know about logical or fair matches, amIright?
But everything else? Not so much.
When I beat Lucy for the title last year, it meant something. It MEANT something, Maggie. She inspired me when I entered the company and won the WrestleStock Cup in 2017. She has that “it” factor that you can’t teach or even put into words effectively, and I wanted what she had. And I almost took it from her at In Your Hands. I was THAT CLOSE. And it took some time to earn the Global Dollars to buy my second shot, but I did it. I fought. I won. Beat just about everyone who was put in front of me. Bought my shot. Bought Battleground. And pinned her clean.
One of the Top Three moments of my career.
You?
You beat Pierce. Now, I know that I fluffed him a bit earlier, but lets be honest here, since its just us BUDDIES, and all: Pierce is a joke. Him winning the title over Mathis in that triple threat was a joke. I’m pretty positive that everyone just keeps him around for the occasional ego stroke fest. And the only reason his total days as champion is 120 instead of 113 is because weird shenanigans allowed him to save himself for a week before his logical and inevitable loss to you at the Melee.
And Battleground? You had an AWESOME fight with Vain. Seriously, cashing in for that falls count anywhere match that never ended was a brilliant idea, and you probably would have defeated Vain eventually if he hadn’t have pussed out because it meant giving a damn twice in one month. You SHOULD have beat HIM for it. But you didn’t. Instead, you beat Jet. And in another year, maybe even in another epoch, that would have meant something, but as I said earlier, much like with Baal, this wasn’t the Jet worth a damn. This Jet is tired and lost. This Jet thinks that pressing the PLAY button on a recording of him listing all the titles he won while we were in middle school is going to cut it. This Jet got his ass whooped by both people in this conversation. I am NOT proud of my win over him. And neither should you.
So, where does that leave us? With my third item:
You are not going to win on Monday.
I am NOT saying that you CAN’T beat me. That would just be silly tripe, ya know? I mean, you HAVEN’T beaten me, at least not clean. You lost at WrestleStock. You needed Lucy on Synergy. You cheated to win the arm wrestling contest, and paid for it by going through a table. And our only truly “clean” match against each other ended with my arm raised on Chill. So, sure, you actually HAVEN’T beaten me, but by no means am I saying you CAN’T.
But you won’t.
You are an EXCELLENT wrestler, Mags. As I told you once, you and I bring truth to the lie of Dynamo. You are fast. You hit hard. You train effectively. You bounce back from losses and adversity. You NEVER let anyone keep you down. Mind you, you are a terrible PERSON, as we have covered in the past, but you are one HELL of a wrestler. And perhaps someday, perhaps at No Holds Barred or something in 2019, you will beat me to take the title back, and thus REALLY earn that accolade. But THIS Monday is different. Horizons XII is different. Because I have a point to prove, ya know? And a promise to deliver upon.
I told the Coalition at Horizons XI that not only would I return, but I would make sure that the FIRST thing I did was kick both your and Lucy’s asses. Honestly, I don’t remember if I punched you in your face as soon as I entered the Melee this year or not, as everything gets blurred together, but I know I did it soon after. And in my limited appearances this year, I have made sure to get in my shots on both of you whenever I could. And this Monday is the culmination of that. And in addition, I need to bring truth to something else I have said before but never truly gotten the chance to make clear for the entire business:
In August of last year, which feels like a lifetime ago, I told you that my life is, quite literally, a wonderland of which you can only dream. I told you that you and your “fight life” could only be something in Dreamland. And now we revisit it, dear friend.
“Look what you made me do?”
The only thing I am going to make you do at Horizons, dear friend, is wake up.
Your Dreamland falls.
N-E-Ways...
Here’s the dealio, guys: I started this year by giving my predictions for the FIRST Coalition card WAAAAAAAYYYY back in January for the first Synergy, and I figured it would be fun to bookend that by providing predictions for the LAST card of the year, our awesomesauce Horizons card. My predictions are usually INCREDIBLY ACCURATE and occasionally even more entertaining than the promotional videos produced by a vast majority of the roster, so I figure NOW is a GREAT time to actually give people what they want.
Let’s do this thang!
Singles Match
Konrad Raab
vs
Maria Salvatore
Oh, sweet mother. So. Okay. I ALMOST hit up the Nameless/Faceless Consortium when I saw that Salvatore submitted her app to let them know that not only was she the MOST 2-dimensional bullshit wrestler I know this side of Roxi Johnson, but that she was ALSO one of the biggest FLAKES I have ever met.
“OMG Sar, why you bein’ mean?!”
Because I was there in LAW, guys. I KNOW how shitty “Sleep wit’ da fishes!” is and she has done NOTHING to prove herself otherwise since coming to the Coalition other than serve up a tasty side dish of zucchini cooked in bacon fat and onions. Meanwhile, RAAAAAAAAB (totes fun to say!) has been pretty much garbage from Day One, outside of that shocking (shocking!) victory over Jet many moons ago. Then again, Jet has proven HIMSELF to be not much more than a three-course helping of trashcan emojis (more on that later!), so maybe that win isn’t so shocking, after all. That being said, RAAAAAAAB has VASTLY improved since he started here and got comfortable with our style and atmosphere, something that I am 100% positive Maria will NEVER do.
Winner (and appropriate Sar-created gif):
Konrad RAAAAAAB
Carnage Match for the Chaos Championship
Le Bord de Dieu
vs
Dave Rydell
vs
Phrixus Deimos
vs
Travis Pierce
vs
Roxy Cotton
Roxy Cotton
Let’s break it down a little:
Let’s face it - Ava has been the face of the Chaos division practically all year and, like it or not, deserves some praise. Now, I know SOME PEOPLE are all DER HUR ITS JUST THE CHAOS TITLE DUR but those people are either A) in a MASSIVE slump and therefore don’t consider wins to be important anymore, even though a Mizore-level shallow look into promotional video history from a year ago would show you a VASTLY different opinion when THEY were the ones winning, or B) part of that OMG TH3 ONLY TITL3 THAT MATT3RZ IZ TH3 WORLD crowd. Bitch, please. We ALL know how hard it is to not only BECOME a champion in this company but to also DEFEND a championship, and as much as I do NOT have a great relationship with her, you can’t take away from the fact that only a small handful of people have more title wins this year than Ava. Not gonna retain, though! But I’ll get to why at the end.
Dave Rydell has had a KILLER comeback! He took some time off and has destroyed EVERYONE’S expectations! Three...count ‘em...THREE Cooperative title wins! And while MOST people have (correctly!) said that #TeamAngell has been anchored by Angie, you still can’t take TOO much away from ol’ D-Ry. That being said, there is NOW WAY (#ItsAThing!) he is walking out of Horizons with this title. YES, he has won THREE Cooperative title matches, but do you know how many matches WITHOUT Angie he has won since he returned? I do! ONE! Since winning my Prime Battle Royal, he has gone 1-6 in matches without Angie, and that means that, outside of some crazy Steiner Math (who?), he has ZERO chance of winning this one.
Deimos has been a persistent force throughout the year, accurately calling himself Hastings’ scalpel in his beef with Zane, and has won more matches this year than the last several COMBINED. That is a legit number, yo! But know what is ALSO a legit number? He is the WORST Main Event wrestler in the fed this year! He is 0-7 when in the main event slot, and while THIS isn’t the main event, it IS indicative of how he does in “Big Match” scenarios. While I score him SLIGHTLY ahead of Rydell in this, his chances are still less than Necron’s latest phone monkey surviving longer than three weeks before being eaten by a cannibal, which is dumb shit some of you are into.
T-Pie has had a GREAT year! Now, I know that a record of 9-19-1 is SUPER shitty overall, but its important to note that an astounding FIVE of those wins have been in title matches, a feat which is only matched by (and will be eclipsed by) Vain. Pierce has shown a strong array of variety throughout the year with his “That’s My Pierce!” saga and has wins over two people in this match, including the champion. He WOULD get my vote if not for THIS person:
My #BullySister Roxy ALMOST took home this prize a few months ago, and I HIGHLY doubt that she will let it slip by her this time. She’s the #ForeverChaosChampion from LAW, had a couple of Tag/Co Op titles this year, and is VERY determined to prove that she’s not just some geyser gif on Twitter. In the past few weeks, she has given the champion, by my last count, 86 Muff Divers, and is looking to make that an even 100 by the end.
Winner:
Roxy Cotton
Number One Contender to World Championship
Angelica Vaughn
vs
Kenzi Grey
The match I am MOST excited for! For those that haven’t figured it out yet, the CORE reason why the #CoolKids become a #Thing was because we were a group of people who found themselves in this crazy world of wrestling for similar reasons, or perhaps approached it from similar places, and strove to help and push one another. We all have fought across the world, helped one another, pushed one another, and become better for it. Both Angie and Kenzi have been decorated champions in multiple feds, were two out of the three WrestleStock Cup finalists, and are, without doubt, the two closest people to me in the entire world. As such, everyone probably assumes that I am torn between the two.
F that!
GOOOoooooooooOOOOOOO KENZI!
Love you Ang, but NOTHING gets between me and my Beloved! Besides, with a World Title match on the line, you have ENOUGH TITLES AS IT IS STOP HOGGING THEM ALL ANGIE
Winner:
Kenzi Grey
No Holds Barred
Donovan Hastings
vs
Zane Scott
On the ONE hand, this TOTES saddens me, because I used to SHIP these two SO HARD that my lady parts quivered more than Angie’s at a Magic Mike backstage party. But! Oh holy hell BUT! I ALSO was very much a part of that ship hitting an iceberg in the Atlantic and some dumb chick going “Jack! Come back, Jack!” instead of just scootching her big butt over and SAVING BABY LEO I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU LET HIM DROWN. Because of that, I am going to enjoy watching the two of them beat the tar out of one another in a No Holds Barred match, though that is also with the FIRM knowledge that MY recent hardcore match (retained, bitch!) was WAY better than what they are going to do. All that being said, I am pretty damned positive that our Creative Director is going to walk away the winner in this one, and not even because Zane can’t win or anything, but because winning at Horizons when he is not supposed to is something that Donovon has made a #Thing.
Winner:
Donovan Hastings
Concurrent Matches
Eden Morgan Gabriel Baal
vs vs
Jet Somers Lucy Wylde
Talk about some crazy-ass shit, huh? We’ve got most of the “WINS DON’T MATTER WHY DO YOU CARE ABOUT THINGS SAR THAT IS STUPID” crowd all in one place, PLUS a dude SO far past his prime that Hot Rod has already taken the Matrix of Leadership from the cold, hard carcass of the diesel engine. And please GTFO if you don’t get that reference, though Ang is exempt for REASONS. Now, there are some amazeballs stips involved in these matches, including that the Gabster is GONE from the Coalition if he loses, or if Eden decides to fail to beat up Lucy again, and that both Lucy AND Jet are out of the World Title picture if THEY decide to beat up the wrong people. Hooooo BOY what an interesting thing THIS is. Now, even though I have made extensive notes on how 2018 Jet is basically just a black and white version without shading of 2014 Jet, I expect both him AND Lucy to win their respective matches, but also that NO ONE involved will care one damn bit about what happens because, hey, not like any of this shit matters to you guys, right?
Winners:
Jet Somers and Lucy Wylde
Ladder Match for the World Heavyweight Championship
Alan Wallace
vs
Kem Dynamo
Going on last but NOT the main event, as the strike code above should clue you in for! I have made lengthy arguments on how I feel about Kem (please go check out Massive Melee and Chill!) and don’t care to repeat what I have said, mostly because nothing she has done anywhere outside of Portland has changed that. Additionally, I personally know how tough Vain is when he gives a damn, and since the universe and God above has decided that once every six weeks is all we care about, there is ZERO chance of Kem walking out of this one a winner.
Winner:
Alan Wallace
The REAL Main Event
Cross-Hemisphere Championship
Magdalena Lockheart
vs
Sarah Lacklan
THIS is the REAL main event, and everyone watching on Monday knows that. Now, the Magster and I have gone back and forth a LOT over the last year and a half about stuff both important and totes ridic, and there isn’t really a whole lot left to be said. However, there are THREE things which I will bring up here. First….
~~THE TALE OF THE TAPE~~
| Maggie Lockheart | Sarah Lacklan | |
| Height | 5'3" | 5'2" |
| Weight | 111 lbs | 130 lbs |
| Hometown | Some cardboard box, or something? | A magical castle in the snow |
| Wrestling Style | Um...Meh? Is Meh a style? | Super Junior without that dumb flippy shit |
| UGWC Accolades | Cross-Hemisphere Champion (2x) | WrestleStock Cup Winner (2017), Cross-Hemisphere Champion, Cooperative Champion |
| Current non-UGWC Championship | Carnage Ultraviolent Champion | XWA Hardcore Champion |
Now, I’m sure that there are other relevant bits of information about us which we could discuss ad nauseum. You’ve beat X person, and I have beat Y person. You won Z tournament, I won Q tournament. And so on and so forth. But the POINT of this first thing is that I want everyone to realize how SIMILAR we are. Same size (though I have the curves while Mags is fighting Ang for the “Most Boney” Year End Award), same experience. She has a few years on me but we started officially at the same time, early last year. We both are trained by important people (though, without question, Nikita>Jan, tobvs), and we both have over-achieved over the course of our careers. We were both big movers and shakers in our respective EWC brands while I was doing that, we both kicked ass and took names in a variety of locales, and we both force everyone in this business to take note of the new generation.
Okay, enough of that blubbery “putting my BUDDY over” shit. But before I go on, I would like to make a request:
Everyone but Maggie...please stop listening. Shut this podcast off. Now, I know some people are thanking their lucky stars and leaping towards the X button that closes their preferred podcast listening app, but many more of you are no doubt saddened by this. Please, I beseech you, do not be. This thing? Its between Maggie and I, and I have given the Coalition enough marketing material as it is. So please, shut this off. I will give you a moment.
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You too, Ken. I love you. Thank you for being there for me. You ARE my light in the dark, and I followed you out of the Abyss. But you, too, please.
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Thank you.
Hello Mags. Second thing:
You don’t deserve that Cross-Hemisphere Championship.
Listen, I am NOT going to go into some in-depth breakdown of your record across the year (...won less than half your matches…) or how you are the second worst main event wrestler in the fed after Deimos (...only won two out of your twelve main events…) or the reverse where I talk about MY record in the fed (...won over two thirds of my matches…) or how I, along with Kenzi, ruled the roost on Chill (...3-0...7-0-1 combined…) or how any of that translates into some fake point system. That is NOT what Lacklan vs. Lockheart is about, ya know? You and I are WAY above that, WAY above such little things. However, my point still stands that you don’t deserve the title around your waist, and here is why:
Wait...wait...real quick:
Beating Baal to retain the title at WrestleStock is a HUGE deal, and you absolutely deserve credit for that. Now, this ISN’T the Baal who dominated the fed in 2016 and 2017, but still, with all the emotions running high and all that CRAP you guys were going though, you could have easily fallen victim to the Serpent's shenanigans and been defeated. But you didn’t. You persevered and put him, and all the shit he represents, to bed, and that is AWESOME. THAT, in my opinion, is the highlight of your career within the confines of the Coalition, and you deserve praise. Additionally, you losing your title to Vain at Day of Reckoning was bullshit, pure and simple. That match shouldn’t have even existed. But, hey, we’re just kids, what do we know about logical or fair matches, amIright?
But everything else? Not so much.
When I beat Lucy for the title last year, it meant something. It MEANT something, Maggie. She inspired me when I entered the company and won the WrestleStock Cup in 2017. She has that “it” factor that you can’t teach or even put into words effectively, and I wanted what she had. And I almost took it from her at In Your Hands. I was THAT CLOSE. And it took some time to earn the Global Dollars to buy my second shot, but I did it. I fought. I won. Beat just about everyone who was put in front of me. Bought my shot. Bought Battleground. And pinned her clean.
One of the Top Three moments of my career.
You?
You beat Pierce. Now, I know that I fluffed him a bit earlier, but lets be honest here, since its just us BUDDIES, and all: Pierce is a joke. Him winning the title over Mathis in that triple threat was a joke. I’m pretty positive that everyone just keeps him around for the occasional ego stroke fest. And the only reason his total days as champion is 120 instead of 113 is because weird shenanigans allowed him to save himself for a week before his logical and inevitable loss to you at the Melee.
And Battleground? You had an AWESOME fight with Vain. Seriously, cashing in for that falls count anywhere match that never ended was a brilliant idea, and you probably would have defeated Vain eventually if he hadn’t have pussed out because it meant giving a damn twice in one month. You SHOULD have beat HIM for it. But you didn’t. Instead, you beat Jet. And in another year, maybe even in another epoch, that would have meant something, but as I said earlier, much like with Baal, this wasn’t the Jet worth a damn. This Jet is tired and lost. This Jet thinks that pressing the PLAY button on a recording of him listing all the titles he won while we were in middle school is going to cut it. This Jet got his ass whooped by both people in this conversation. I am NOT proud of my win over him. And neither should you.
So, where does that leave us? With my third item:
You are not going to win on Monday.
I am NOT saying that you CAN’T beat me. That would just be silly tripe, ya know? I mean, you HAVEN’T beaten me, at least not clean. You lost at WrestleStock. You needed Lucy on Synergy. You cheated to win the arm wrestling contest, and paid for it by going through a table. And our only truly “clean” match against each other ended with my arm raised on Chill. So, sure, you actually HAVEN’T beaten me, but by no means am I saying you CAN’T.
But you won’t.
You are an EXCELLENT wrestler, Mags. As I told you once, you and I bring truth to the lie of Dynamo. You are fast. You hit hard. You train effectively. You bounce back from losses and adversity. You NEVER let anyone keep you down. Mind you, you are a terrible PERSON, as we have covered in the past, but you are one HELL of a wrestler. And perhaps someday, perhaps at No Holds Barred or something in 2019, you will beat me to take the title back, and thus REALLY earn that accolade. But THIS Monday is different. Horizons XII is different. Because I have a point to prove, ya know? And a promise to deliver upon.
I told the Coalition at Horizons XI that not only would I return, but I would make sure that the FIRST thing I did was kick both your and Lucy’s asses. Honestly, I don’t remember if I punched you in your face as soon as I entered the Melee this year or not, as everything gets blurred together, but I know I did it soon after. And in my limited appearances this year, I have made sure to get in my shots on both of you whenever I could. And this Monday is the culmination of that. And in addition, I need to bring truth to something else I have said before but never truly gotten the chance to make clear for the entire business:
In August of last year, which feels like a lifetime ago, I told you that my life is, quite literally, a wonderland of which you can only dream. I told you that you and your “fight life” could only be something in Dreamland. And now we revisit it, dear friend.
“Look what you made me do?”
The only thing I am going to make you do at Horizons, dear friend, is wake up.
Your Dreamland falls.
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