Post by wwjbcd on Feb 12, 2019 0:25:11 GMT -5
California is a state that farts out decadence, but sometimes something authentic can shoot back up the proverbial anus and change the entirety of its ecosystem.
Or certain people can come in and become corrupted by it against all odds and get shit out of it worse than ever before.
Our story begins today with a tight shot of the exclusive-to-Chill interviewer Chris Collins looking uncomfortable but still seemingly holding up his microphone.
"Uh, folks, we're here tonight in Charleston, South Carolina, umm, outside of The North Charleston Arena, the, uh, the host of next week's episode of Chill. It's uh, certainly too... foggy and cool a night to just be hanging outside, but, uh-"
It's at this time that the shot pans out to reveal that poor Chris is draped - tightly bound more like it - in chains and suspended above the loading dock area of the arena. Holding up the mic for him is none other than the debuting "Deathwish" Hide Yamazaki.
"You know, this violates the wrestler-interviewer relationship agreement- you don't know what I'm saying, do you?"
A grin slowly creeps upon the visage of the wily-eyed madman.
"おまえの内側をチェーンでいっぱいにする以外に何も好きではねぇ"
Chris visibly gulps but otherwise tries to maintain his composure.
"All right, well, I suspect I don't need to know what you said to know it wasn't good, but we, uh, we really should move on."
Chris clears his throat and tries to adjust himself as best as he can in order to get more "comfortable".
"On the, uh, sixth episode of Chill and the first of 2019, you'll be squaring off against #CoolKids member Kenzi Grey-Lachlan, and-"
Suddenly there's an interruption in the form of a ringtone: Frank Zappa's I Am the Slime - about 22 seconds into the song, that is. Hide fishes into his back pocket and answers the call. Moments later of Japanese language, he presses a button on the phone and moves it towards Chris' face.
"Hello? Hello?! Yamazaki, did you do it? Chris Collins, are you there? Is that you?"
The voice is distorted, the same way a ransom caller might call their victim's loved one(s).
"Uhh, yes, yes, it's me. Who's this?"
"Where the hell are you?!"
"W-well, I-I'm just out here hanging around."
Bad joke alert. Oh, sorry, too late. Anyway:
"I told Yamazaki to abduct-I mean, grab you and head to the power room. I'm here, and lo and behold: no Yamazaki and to a lesser extent, no Chris Collins!"
"Who is this?!"
"All right, all right, that joke's getting old, you damn well know who this is! Now quit wasting my time and head to the power room ASAMFP!"
Now despite the abrasive demeanor of this mysterious voice, the prospect of being moved surely meant having to be unbound by his maniacal captor.
Many minutes later, Chris is being dragged down the hallway.
The road to the indoor part of the arena was filled with much turmoil; with limited information and a man who seemingly only spoke Japanese, trying to explain that someone in the power room was waiting for them was made even more difficult when the voice in the cell phone blatantly denied he was expecting visitors and to not let them in. He waited a few minutes before calling back and saying there was a "misunderstanding" and that he indeed was expecting visitors. This filled the still-bound Chris with much dismay, but Hide, perhaps incapable of regular people feelings, didn't appear to mind.
So finally, the pair reach their destination: the power room, oddly labeled as Show Power in the location map. Oh, those silly South Carolinians.
In the otherwise standard power room, there was one of those large comfy office chairs. You know, the ones that are fun to swivel in? The chair is facing the opposite direction of the pair. Hide drags Chris further into the room.
"I take it you gentlemen found the place okay?"
Chris squirmed and grunted.
"Yes, well, getting inside was mostly a drag."
Bad joke alert #2.
"Oh, that's too bad. But, you're here now, so we can finally get the interview started!"
"Right. But, uh, can I, uh?"
"Huh? What's that? What's the problem now?"
From behind the chair, a hand mirror peeks out, angled just so.
"Oh, for god's sake, Yamazaki! Honestly! I can't take you anywhere!"
"It's fine, it's fine, let's just get this intervi-"
"I thought you were going to wrap him up in barbed wire! This isn't very hardcore! This isn't very hardcore at all!"
"-ew started..."
The voice sighs.
"All right, all right, all right, let the baby have his bottle and get rid of those chains."
Hide lets out a guttural sigh of disappointment as he roughly removes the chains and yanks Chris up to his feet. Chris favours the yanked arm as Hide thumps the interviewer's mic into his chest. Chris, utterly bewildered, takes a moment to breathe and wonder if he's not old enough to enter into a different field of work... perhaps a football field... in Canada...
"So, um, are you going to turn around, or..."
"No, I'm not going to turn around! You're here to interview Yamazaki, aren't you? So get to interviewing him!"
Chris sighs for the 300th time tonight.
"All right, well, as I was saying what felt like several hours ago-"
"Hey, hey, hey, watch your tone or Yamazaki here might just eat you alive!"
Hide pulls out a knife and fork from his other back pocket - you don't want to keep utensils in the same pocket as your cell phone and risk scratching up your screen.
"Oh my god... Anyway, next Monday in this very arena, your man (I'm assuming?) 'Deathwish' Hide Yamazaki takes on Kenzi Grey. I know he had a short stint in California, but besides his natural toughness and unhinged attitude, he's not really been challenged. Going right away into a match with the likes of Kenzi is either a sign of high expectations for Yamazaki, or-"
"Chris Collins, let me interrupt you for a second to say that Kenzi Grey-LACKSLAN is a SCIENTOLOGIST."
"A-and?"
"And, that means nothing she says can be taken seriously! Oh, but I better watch what I say or we'll have another Operation Snow White on our hands! But lemme just say this: it makes sense she married into wealth, since that's the only way to get ahead in Scientology, I'm just saying, I'm just saying!"
"Okay, but that surely doesn't discount her abilities in the ring."
"Chris Collins, first of all, you've now twice defied me by speaking directly to me and jilting Yamazaki who's more than capable of answering your questions."
"Wait, but, uh-"
"And secondly, you're right, it doesn't discount her abilities in the ring; they're already listed as final sale at the bottom of the same bin you'll find 47 copies of Snow Dogs in at Walmart! I kid, I kid, no, you were right the first time when you said the UGWC had high expectations for Yamazaki. Fact is, this company needs a wild card like my man over there. Not to mention, when you get Yamazaki, you also get yours truly."
Chris is understandably confused. He's normally on the ball with these things, and nothing much is kept secret from him.
"But-but who are you?!"
"Later, later, right now is about my Strong Style Satanist and the challenge that lies before him. While Kenzi is all Hollywood and reality tv and botox and Bob's Big Boy restaurants and Santa Monica Boulevards and-"
"Okay, yes, I get it."
There's a long pause.
"Yamazaki, kindly flense Chris Collins if he interrupts me again. Anyway, while Kenzi is all Long Beach and Tom's Burgers and Amoeba Records and lung-wrenching smog and shitty wifi at LAX and-"
Chris sighs. There's another ominous pause from the man behind the comfy chair.
"WHILE SHE'S ALL THESE THINGS AND MORE, CHRIS COLLINS, she is also clearly an accomplished wrestler looking for that one big thing that'll put her on a higher level than Sarah, that'll just barely elevate her over JPL's vampire offspring. Or whatever she is, I still don't know after all these years. Anyway, why don't you ask Yamazaki what all of Kenzi's hopes and dreams and all that mean to him."
Chris looks hesitantly at Hide.
"Uhh..."
"Go on, ask him."
"I'm pretty sure he won't understand me, but, Mr. Yamazaki, ah, what do all of Kenzi's plans mean to you?"
Yamazaki appears to actually be thinking about what was asked of him. Finally, he plops his hand down on Chris' shoulder.
"女性を打つのが好き"
Chris exhales through his nose as he lowers his head.
"You heard him."
"I don't even know where to begin. Oh wait, yes I do: well, you heard it here first, folks! 'Deathwish' Hide Yamazaki seems ready to make his debut on Monday, February 18, right here at the North Charleston Arena. Doors open at 6 and tickets are still available online and at the door, while supplies last."
"Oh, are we done alread-"
"Yes!!! I mean, yes, we've got all the pertinent information down, thank you, Mr., uh..."
Moments later, the chair slowly turns around, and when the creaking and shuffling of feet comes to an end, Chris becomes face to face with a familiar face holding one of those megaphones that can alter your voice. He tosses it away.
"Bonecrusher. Johnny Bonecrusher. The #1 Hit-Maker."
And with that, the scene comes to an end with a surprised-looking Chris and a sinister-looking JBC.
Or certain people can come in and become corrupted by it against all odds and get shit out of it worse than ever before.
Our story begins today with a tight shot of the exclusive-to-Chill interviewer Chris Collins looking uncomfortable but still seemingly holding up his microphone.
"Uh, folks, we're here tonight in Charleston, South Carolina, umm, outside of The North Charleston Arena, the, uh, the host of next week's episode of Chill. It's uh, certainly too... foggy and cool a night to just be hanging outside, but, uh-"
It's at this time that the shot pans out to reveal that poor Chris is draped - tightly bound more like it - in chains and suspended above the loading dock area of the arena. Holding up the mic for him is none other than the debuting "Deathwish" Hide Yamazaki.
"You know, this violates the wrestler-interviewer relationship agreement- you don't know what I'm saying, do you?"
A grin slowly creeps upon the visage of the wily-eyed madman.
"おまえの内側をチェーンでいっぱいにする以外に何も好きではねぇ"
Chris visibly gulps but otherwise tries to maintain his composure.
"All right, well, I suspect I don't need to know what you said to know it wasn't good, but we, uh, we really should move on."
Chris clears his throat and tries to adjust himself as best as he can in order to get more "comfortable".
"On the, uh, sixth episode of Chill and the first of 2019, you'll be squaring off against #CoolKids member Kenzi Grey-Lachlan, and-"
Suddenly there's an interruption in the form of a ringtone: Frank Zappa's I Am the Slime - about 22 seconds into the song, that is. Hide fishes into his back pocket and answers the call. Moments later of Japanese language, he presses a button on the phone and moves it towards Chris' face.
"Hello? Hello?! Yamazaki, did you do it? Chris Collins, are you there? Is that you?"
The voice is distorted, the same way a ransom caller might call their victim's loved one(s).
"Uhh, yes, yes, it's me. Who's this?"
"Where the hell are you?!"
"W-well, I-I'm just out here hanging around."
Bad joke alert. Oh, sorry, too late. Anyway:
"I told Yamazaki to abduct-I mean, grab you and head to the power room. I'm here, and lo and behold: no Yamazaki and to a lesser extent, no Chris Collins!"
"Who is this?!"
"All right, all right, that joke's getting old, you damn well know who this is! Now quit wasting my time and head to the power room ASAMFP!"
Now despite the abrasive demeanor of this mysterious voice, the prospect of being moved surely meant having to be unbound by his maniacal captor.
Many minutes later, Chris is being dragged down the hallway.
The road to the indoor part of the arena was filled with much turmoil; with limited information and a man who seemingly only spoke Japanese, trying to explain that someone in the power room was waiting for them was made even more difficult when the voice in the cell phone blatantly denied he was expecting visitors and to not let them in. He waited a few minutes before calling back and saying there was a "misunderstanding" and that he indeed was expecting visitors. This filled the still-bound Chris with much dismay, but Hide, perhaps incapable of regular people feelings, didn't appear to mind.
So finally, the pair reach their destination: the power room, oddly labeled as Show Power in the location map. Oh, those silly South Carolinians.
In the otherwise standard power room, there was one of those large comfy office chairs. You know, the ones that are fun to swivel in? The chair is facing the opposite direction of the pair. Hide drags Chris further into the room.
"I take it you gentlemen found the place okay?"
Chris squirmed and grunted.
"Yes, well, getting inside was mostly a drag."
Bad joke alert #2.
"Oh, that's too bad. But, you're here now, so we can finally get the interview started!"
"Right. But, uh, can I, uh?"
"Huh? What's that? What's the problem now?"
From behind the chair, a hand mirror peeks out, angled just so.
"Oh, for god's sake, Yamazaki! Honestly! I can't take you anywhere!"
"It's fine, it's fine, let's just get this intervi-"
"I thought you were going to wrap him up in barbed wire! This isn't very hardcore! This isn't very hardcore at all!"
"-ew started..."
The voice sighs.
"All right, all right, all right, let the baby have his bottle and get rid of those chains."
Hide lets out a guttural sigh of disappointment as he roughly removes the chains and yanks Chris up to his feet. Chris favours the yanked arm as Hide thumps the interviewer's mic into his chest. Chris, utterly bewildered, takes a moment to breathe and wonder if he's not old enough to enter into a different field of work... perhaps a football field... in Canada...
"So, um, are you going to turn around, or..."
"No, I'm not going to turn around! You're here to interview Yamazaki, aren't you? So get to interviewing him!"
Chris sighs for the 300th time tonight.
"All right, well, as I was saying what felt like several hours ago-"
"Hey, hey, hey, watch your tone or Yamazaki here might just eat you alive!"
Hide pulls out a knife and fork from his other back pocket - you don't want to keep utensils in the same pocket as your cell phone and risk scratching up your screen.
"Oh my god... Anyway, next Monday in this very arena, your man (I'm assuming?) 'Deathwish' Hide Yamazaki takes on Kenzi Grey. I know he had a short stint in California, but besides his natural toughness and unhinged attitude, he's not really been challenged. Going right away into a match with the likes of Kenzi is either a sign of high expectations for Yamazaki, or-"
"Chris Collins, let me interrupt you for a second to say that Kenzi Grey-LACKSLAN is a SCIENTOLOGIST."
"A-and?"
"And, that means nothing she says can be taken seriously! Oh, but I better watch what I say or we'll have another Operation Snow White on our hands! But lemme just say this: it makes sense she married into wealth, since that's the only way to get ahead in Scientology, I'm just saying, I'm just saying!"
"Okay, but that surely doesn't discount her abilities in the ring."
"Chris Collins, first of all, you've now twice defied me by speaking directly to me and jilting Yamazaki who's more than capable of answering your questions."
"Wait, but, uh-"
"And secondly, you're right, it doesn't discount her abilities in the ring; they're already listed as final sale at the bottom of the same bin you'll find 47 copies of Snow Dogs in at Walmart! I kid, I kid, no, you were right the first time when you said the UGWC had high expectations for Yamazaki. Fact is, this company needs a wild card like my man over there. Not to mention, when you get Yamazaki, you also get yours truly."
Chris is understandably confused. He's normally on the ball with these things, and nothing much is kept secret from him.
"But-but who are you?!"
"Later, later, right now is about my Strong Style Satanist and the challenge that lies before him. While Kenzi is all Hollywood and reality tv and botox and Bob's Big Boy restaurants and Santa Monica Boulevards and-"
"Okay, yes, I get it."
There's a long pause.
"Yamazaki, kindly flense Chris Collins if he interrupts me again. Anyway, while Kenzi is all Long Beach and Tom's Burgers and Amoeba Records and lung-wrenching smog and shitty wifi at LAX and-"
Chris sighs. There's another ominous pause from the man behind the comfy chair.
"WHILE SHE'S ALL THESE THINGS AND MORE, CHRIS COLLINS, she is also clearly an accomplished wrestler looking for that one big thing that'll put her on a higher level than Sarah, that'll just barely elevate her over JPL's vampire offspring. Or whatever she is, I still don't know after all these years. Anyway, why don't you ask Yamazaki what all of Kenzi's hopes and dreams and all that mean to him."
Chris looks hesitantly at Hide.
"Uhh..."
"Go on, ask him."
"I'm pretty sure he won't understand me, but, Mr. Yamazaki, ah, what do all of Kenzi's plans mean to you?"
Yamazaki appears to actually be thinking about what was asked of him. Finally, he plops his hand down on Chris' shoulder.
"女性を打つのが好き"
Chris exhales through his nose as he lowers his head.
"You heard him."
"I don't even know where to begin. Oh wait, yes I do: well, you heard it here first, folks! 'Deathwish' Hide Yamazaki seems ready to make his debut on Monday, February 18, right here at the North Charleston Arena. Doors open at 6 and tickets are still available online and at the door, while supplies last."
"Oh, are we done alread-"
"Yes!!! I mean, yes, we've got all the pertinent information down, thank you, Mr., uh..."
Moments later, the chair slowly turns around, and when the creaking and shuffling of feet comes to an end, Chris becomes face to face with a familiar face holding one of those megaphones that can alter your voice. He tosses it away.
"Bonecrusher. Johnny Bonecrusher. The #1 Hit-Maker."
And with that, the scene comes to an end with a surprised-looking Chris and a sinister-looking JBC.
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