Post by Lord Hastings on Feb 16, 2019 15:32:58 GMT -5
Donovan sits behind his new desk in the office of the Sports Entertainment Executive, glancing around the room.
Hastings: This office needs the sort of overhaul that I gave the Creative Director position.
Peterson: You mean the job or the actual office?
Hastings: The job. Well, both. Let’s be honest here, Vines has done two things of note during his entire existence. He was a talk show host, and then he joined UGWC, where people mostly forgot he was around other than when the Court made him their gopher. The Sports Entertainment Executive should be executing...something. I don’t know. I don’t even know what this position is supposed to do, because Vines was never doing it. He just stood near Ooley and bobbed his head.
Peterson: The Sports Entertainment Executive is in charge of communicating all of the Consortiums decisions to the Entertainment Professionals in UGWC and to the outside world. Responsibilities also include Worker and Press Relations and the general management of UGWC broadcasts.
Hastings: Well that sounds boring.
Peterson: Ooley is supposed to be providing the roster with access to counseling.
Hastings: That’s terrifying. Why do you even know that?
Owen shrugs.
Peterson: I paid attention during orientation.
Hastings: That was ten years ago.
Peterson: I can remember things that are longer than ten years ago.
Hastings: Fascinating, but not about me and thereby boring. Do you know what I heard today?
Peterson: You’re going to tell me regardless of what I say here.
Hastings: Someone had the gall to suggest that Ichabod is doing a better job as Creative Director than I did.
Peterson: The nerve of that person.
Hastings: Right? Obviously it’s hyperbole, and everything in the present always has to be the “first time” or “best ever” or something like that, but still! Tell me one thing that Ichabod has done in one month that is better than me.
Peterson: He took UGWC further than a state away from his house.
Hastings: He lives in South Carolina!
Peterson: Right, sorry. I meant he took UGWC further than a state away from your house.
Hastings: How is that an improvement?
Owen sighs.
Peterson: UGWC is a promotion that has run shows all over the globe. During the past year, you kept it on a tight loop that brought us to exotic locales like St. Paul, Colombus, and Detroit.
Hastings: I put my family first.
Peterson: That’s why you retired from your in-ring career, except now you’re returning to the ring.
Hastings: So?
Owen bites his lip, and slowly exhales.
Peterson: I understood at Horizons, I get why you needed to do that. But why Lacklan?
Hastings: She betrayed Zane when she was on his team at Outlast. That was awful.
Peterson: You told her to do it.
Hastings: And if I told you to go jump off a bridge, would you do it?
Owen blinks a few times.
Peterson: ...that was rhetorical, right?
Hastings: Don’t ask me stupid questions.
Dexter Vines is pushing papers in his new office as the General Manager of Chill, when Donovan casually strolls in.
Vines: You’ve got a lot of nerve.
Hastings: You’re welcome.
Vines: For what?
Hastings: For making sure the premiere episode of the Dexter Era of Chill is a blockbuster. This is at least two you owe me.
Vines: That I owe you?
Hastings: I’m sure you remember that old show you hosted? Tonight With PoinDexter?
Dexter attempts to growl his response, although he sounds more like a puppy.
Vines: “This Evening With Dexter Vines.”
Hastings: Don’t know how that name didn’t take off. Anyway, your ratings were in the crapper, nobody cared, and you were going nowhere fast. Then came a night that will stand forever in infamy, when Donovan Hastings and Travis Roberts took pity on your audience and gave them something they’ve never forgotten. It was so memorable that a few months later when UGWC came together, they plucked you out of the obscurity you were hurtling towards and made you a part of the Consortium. All that is thanks to me...and Travis, a little...but mostly me.
Dexter glares at him for a few moments, as Donovan opens his arms wide with a grin on his face.
Vines: You know what makes Ichabod a better Creative Director than you were? He’s not just using the position to promote his own agenda.
Hastings: You’re kidding, right?
Vines: He didn’t immediately promote his friend the moment he got the job, either.
Hastings: I had a cooler hat.
Vines: You just tweeted about that, you never actually wore it. Or even owned it.
Hastings: You should be thanking me. You have a job because of me.
Vines: YOU TOOK MY JOB!!
Hastings: And you got a new one, one that only existed because of my UGWC and Chill initiative. It’s a good job too, good opportunity to prove yourself.
Vines: Prove myself?
Hastings: Obvs. Look at Ichabod. He was the General Manager of Chill, and did such a good job that he got to be the Creative Director this year. Maybe one day if you do a good job here, you’ll get to be on the Consortium too.
Vines: I was ON the Consortium for nine years before YOU kicked me off it!
Hastings: Yeah, well, we’re the cool kids and you can’t sit with us.
Vines: Clever.
Hastings: So now I’m here to do it again, preemptively, in fact. As I said, I’m responsible for the Chill brand existing at all. It’s kind of like my red-headed stepchild in that regard, and I’ll be damned if you’re going to mess it up. So here I am, to drive up your ratings for your first episode, get eyes on your product, and you’ll have to carry the baton from there. So yeah, you can say thank you.
Vines: I hope Lacklan kicks your ass.
Hastings: I still have my paintball gun.
SHOUT OUT TO ALL MY PEASANTS!!!!
This is, of course, the moment you have all been waiting for. The Immortal Lord-Chief Executive of Pain has seen fit to grace you with his presence. Now, I know it has been forever and a day since you’ve seen a decent V-Log, but never fear! The Lord-Chief is here!
It’s been a long and lonesome time for you. You’ve missed me. It’s okay. First I won the World Title at Horizons and told you that it was the end of my in-ring career. That was a bitter pill to swallow, but it was okay because I was the new Creative Director, and that meant I was still here for you. Then my time as Creative Director was up, and you were worried you had to say farewell to me again, for real this time. The next bittersweet news comes along. Lord Hastings is taking over the position of Sports Entertainment Executive, but then you’re thinking, so what? That position does jack and shhiiiiiiiii. What are you doing in here?
Whatcha doin?
I thought you were watching a movie?
It’s over. What are you doing on your computer?
Where is your sister?
I’m hungry.
I’ll make dinner in a little bit.
How about fruit snacks?
That’s not dinner! I, listen, you girls can’t be in here right now. What Daddy is doing isn’t for five-year-olds.
Dad, we’re almost six.
((Donovan rubs his hands on his forehead))
Who wants pizza?
It’s been over a year since I stepped away from the ring, and the landscape of UGWC has changed drastically during that time. I had a lot to do with that, of course. We saw a radical roster makeover during my time as Creative Director, but with that comes a harsh reality that these new kids think that they are something special. It’s easy to say that you’re better than what came before you when what came before you is good and gone.
This past year the buzz in UGWC was names like Wylde, Lockheart, Necron, and Dynamo. Those names have already faded away. Now we’re talking about Vaughn and Cotton, and the day will come when we won’t anymore. Through it all, everybody still talks about Hastings, a name with true legacy and immortality. This new modern era has yet to prove that anything about it is lasting or has any true substance to it, and that is perhaps best exemplified by Sarah Lacklan, who-
DAD!
What!?
Katie drank my water.
She...ugh. Did you?
Yup.
Why?
I’m going to drink your water.
Okay.
I’m drinking your water now!
Okay.
I don’t want your water.
I know.
Girls! Daddy is doing some really important work now.
But you said that Icky-Bob gets to do all the work now and you just have to sit behind a desk and talk to Uncle Owen.
Um, there is a BIT more to it than that. Listen, Daddy just needs five minutes…
Sarah Lacklan is the poster child for overhyped inadequacy. For reasons I don’t care anywhere near enough to try to actually discern, everything seems to revolve around you, Sarah, but there isn’t a good reason why. Angie is the new World Champion. Roxy is the Global Challenge Winner. Aveline is near a record in her division. Yet everything we hear about is centered around Lacklan.
Tell me, what is it you’ve done to be so self-important?
Sure, you won the WrestleStock Cup, and then you eventually won the Cross-Hemisphere Title after a few tries, Rydell-style. But then you had a fit of drama before you could defend it, and by the time you were ready to compete again you were mostly reduced to a role equivalent to decorative furniture. You’re mostly just there to prop up other people and make them look better. It was supposed to be a big deal that Vain defended against you at Battleground, even though you hadn’t won a high profile match in over a year. Nevermind that the only reason you were even in that match to begin with was-
DADDY LOOK AT MY SHIRT!!!
Where did you get that?
It says “Hugs and Fiddycups!”
Fisticuffs, that word is fisticuffs.
Fitted cups?
Where did you find that anyway? I thought I got rid of it.
Check out my sunglasses!
Where did you find aviators!?!
In the box that Uncle Travis sent us.
Scarlet, go put on a different shirt.
Can I put on my favorite shirt?
Fine.
The one that says Jet Somers is-
NO!
You’re a prop, Sarah. That’s what you’re good for, that’s what I’ve used you for and will continue to use you for, just like at Outlast.
Sure, it was a great opportunity to put Sarah Lacklan in the spotlight. That’s what you thought, wasn’t it? After all, you’re so good at self-promoting yourself, running your little social media empire, putting your ever so special spin on everything.
What happened at Outlast was about me and Zane. You were just a tool, one that thinks itself superior but is quickly finding itself to be very much the opposite. You played your part and the truth is I really couldn’t have cared less what happened to you afterwards. Turns out Vain beat you, because you weren’t anything special. Angie Vaughn got to be the one that took him down. That’s got to poke at you a little bit. You entered yourself into the Global Challenge, turns out that Roxy got to win it. If you and your fellow harlots manage to win the Lord of Trios tournament, I imagine it will be because Kenzi finally got her shi...stuff together.
((Donovan glances back over his shoulder quickly before continuing))
Now in your mind you’re the face of Chill. That’s also Kenzi, but sure, we’ll pretend it’s you. It’s just going to be the next thing that you promote yourself as being that somebody else is going to rip away from you. I’m coming to Chill, Sarah, and I’m coming to put a stop to this phantom legacy that you’ve imagined for yourself, because all eyes-
DAD! SCARLET HIT ME!!
SHE WOULDN’T GIVE ME PRINCESS PEACH!!
((Donovan rolls his eyes))
You know what the best part is about the events of the past month, Sarah? What I personally like most about Ichabod being the Creative Director? His era gets a benefit than mine didn’t have.
Me.
I’m off the bench. Granted I put myself there, but now I get to take myself off it. Sure, I retired. I’m also a professional wrestler. It’s like comic book death. We all come back.
So as great as last year was because I was Creative Director, this year is going to better because I’m not the Creative Director. You reap the most immediate benefit, Sarah. You get to learn a very deep and powerful lesson.
In UGWC...past, present, and future...all eyes…inevitably...are on ME.
Hastings: This office needs the sort of overhaul that I gave the Creative Director position.
Peterson: You mean the job or the actual office?
Hastings: The job. Well, both. Let’s be honest here, Vines has done two things of note during his entire existence. He was a talk show host, and then he joined UGWC, where people mostly forgot he was around other than when the Court made him their gopher. The Sports Entertainment Executive should be executing...something. I don’t know. I don’t even know what this position is supposed to do, because Vines was never doing it. He just stood near Ooley and bobbed his head.
Peterson: The Sports Entertainment Executive is in charge of communicating all of the Consortiums decisions to the Entertainment Professionals in UGWC and to the outside world. Responsibilities also include Worker and Press Relations and the general management of UGWC broadcasts.
Hastings: Well that sounds boring.
Peterson: Ooley is supposed to be providing the roster with access to counseling.
Hastings: That’s terrifying. Why do you even know that?
Owen shrugs.
Peterson: I paid attention during orientation.
Hastings: That was ten years ago.
Peterson: I can remember things that are longer than ten years ago.
Hastings: Fascinating, but not about me and thereby boring. Do you know what I heard today?
Peterson: You’re going to tell me regardless of what I say here.
Hastings: Someone had the gall to suggest that Ichabod is doing a better job as Creative Director than I did.
Peterson: The nerve of that person.
Hastings: Right? Obviously it’s hyperbole, and everything in the present always has to be the “first time” or “best ever” or something like that, but still! Tell me one thing that Ichabod has done in one month that is better than me.
Peterson: He took UGWC further than a state away from his house.
Hastings: He lives in South Carolina!
Peterson: Right, sorry. I meant he took UGWC further than a state away from your house.
Hastings: How is that an improvement?
Owen sighs.
Peterson: UGWC is a promotion that has run shows all over the globe. During the past year, you kept it on a tight loop that brought us to exotic locales like St. Paul, Colombus, and Detroit.
Hastings: I put my family first.
Peterson: That’s why you retired from your in-ring career, except now you’re returning to the ring.
Hastings: So?
Owen bites his lip, and slowly exhales.
Peterson: I understood at Horizons, I get why you needed to do that. But why Lacklan?
Hastings: She betrayed Zane when she was on his team at Outlast. That was awful.
Peterson: You told her to do it.
Hastings: And if I told you to go jump off a bridge, would you do it?
Owen blinks a few times.
Peterson: ...that was rhetorical, right?
Hastings: Don’t ask me stupid questions.
Dexter Vines is pushing papers in his new office as the General Manager of Chill, when Donovan casually strolls in.
Vines: You’ve got a lot of nerve.
Hastings: You’re welcome.
Vines: For what?
Hastings: For making sure the premiere episode of the Dexter Era of Chill is a blockbuster. This is at least two you owe me.
Vines: That I owe you?
Hastings: I’m sure you remember that old show you hosted? Tonight With PoinDexter?
Dexter attempts to growl his response, although he sounds more like a puppy.
Vines: “This Evening With Dexter Vines.”
Hastings: Don’t know how that name didn’t take off. Anyway, your ratings were in the crapper, nobody cared, and you were going nowhere fast. Then came a night that will stand forever in infamy, when Donovan Hastings and Travis Roberts took pity on your audience and gave them something they’ve never forgotten. It was so memorable that a few months later when UGWC came together, they plucked you out of the obscurity you were hurtling towards and made you a part of the Consortium. All that is thanks to me...and Travis, a little...but mostly me.
Dexter glares at him for a few moments, as Donovan opens his arms wide with a grin on his face.
Vines: You know what makes Ichabod a better Creative Director than you were? He’s not just using the position to promote his own agenda.
Hastings: You’re kidding, right?
Vines: He didn’t immediately promote his friend the moment he got the job, either.
Hastings: I had a cooler hat.
Vines: You just tweeted about that, you never actually wore it. Or even owned it.
Hastings: You should be thanking me. You have a job because of me.
Vines: YOU TOOK MY JOB!!
Hastings: And you got a new one, one that only existed because of my UGWC and Chill initiative. It’s a good job too, good opportunity to prove yourself.
Vines: Prove myself?
Hastings: Obvs. Look at Ichabod. He was the General Manager of Chill, and did such a good job that he got to be the Creative Director this year. Maybe one day if you do a good job here, you’ll get to be on the Consortium too.
Vines: I was ON the Consortium for nine years before YOU kicked me off it!
Hastings: Yeah, well, we’re the cool kids and you can’t sit with us.
Vines: Clever.
Hastings: So now I’m here to do it again, preemptively, in fact. As I said, I’m responsible for the Chill brand existing at all. It’s kind of like my red-headed stepchild in that regard, and I’ll be damned if you’re going to mess it up. So here I am, to drive up your ratings for your first episode, get eyes on your product, and you’ll have to carry the baton from there. So yeah, you can say thank you.
Vines: I hope Lacklan kicks your ass.
Hastings: I still have my paintball gun.
~~Presenting the ImmortalLordofPainCoolDude Podcast, as viewed on the BEST streaming app available for ALL of your digital needs, LordTube~~
SHOUT OUT TO ALL MY PEASANTS!!!!
This is, of course, the moment you have all been waiting for. The Immortal Lord-Chief Executive of Pain has seen fit to grace you with his presence. Now, I know it has been forever and a day since you’ve seen a decent V-Log, but never fear! The Lord-Chief is here!
It’s been a long and lonesome time for you. You’ve missed me. It’s okay. First I won the World Title at Horizons and told you that it was the end of my in-ring career. That was a bitter pill to swallow, but it was okay because I was the new Creative Director, and that meant I was still here for you. Then my time as Creative Director was up, and you were worried you had to say farewell to me again, for real this time. The next bittersweet news comes along. Lord Hastings is taking over the position of Sports Entertainment Executive, but then you’re thinking, so what? That position does jack and shhiiiiiiiii. What are you doing in here?
Whatcha doin?
I thought you were watching a movie?
It’s over. What are you doing on your computer?
Where is your sister?
I’m hungry.
I’ll make dinner in a little bit.
How about fruit snacks?
That’s not dinner! I, listen, you girls can’t be in here right now. What Daddy is doing isn’t for five-year-olds.
Dad, we’re almost six.
((Donovan rubs his hands on his forehead))
Who wants pizza?
~~static~~
It’s been over a year since I stepped away from the ring, and the landscape of UGWC has changed drastically during that time. I had a lot to do with that, of course. We saw a radical roster makeover during my time as Creative Director, but with that comes a harsh reality that these new kids think that they are something special. It’s easy to say that you’re better than what came before you when what came before you is good and gone.
This past year the buzz in UGWC was names like Wylde, Lockheart, Necron, and Dynamo. Those names have already faded away. Now we’re talking about Vaughn and Cotton, and the day will come when we won’t anymore. Through it all, everybody still talks about Hastings, a name with true legacy and immortality. This new modern era has yet to prove that anything about it is lasting or has any true substance to it, and that is perhaps best exemplified by Sarah Lacklan, who-
DAD!
What!?
Katie drank my water.
She...ugh. Did you?
Yup.
Why?
I’m going to drink your water.
Okay.
I’m drinking your water now!
Okay.
I don’t want your water.
I know.
Girls! Daddy is doing some really important work now.
But you said that Icky-Bob gets to do all the work now and you just have to sit behind a desk and talk to Uncle Owen.
Um, there is a BIT more to it than that. Listen, Daddy just needs five minutes…
~~static~~
Sarah Lacklan is the poster child for overhyped inadequacy. For reasons I don’t care anywhere near enough to try to actually discern, everything seems to revolve around you, Sarah, but there isn’t a good reason why. Angie is the new World Champion. Roxy is the Global Challenge Winner. Aveline is near a record in her division. Yet everything we hear about is centered around Lacklan.
Tell me, what is it you’ve done to be so self-important?
Sure, you won the WrestleStock Cup, and then you eventually won the Cross-Hemisphere Title after a few tries, Rydell-style. But then you had a fit of drama before you could defend it, and by the time you were ready to compete again you were mostly reduced to a role equivalent to decorative furniture. You’re mostly just there to prop up other people and make them look better. It was supposed to be a big deal that Vain defended against you at Battleground, even though you hadn’t won a high profile match in over a year. Nevermind that the only reason you were even in that match to begin with was-
DADDY LOOK AT MY SHIRT!!!
Where did you get that?
It says “Hugs and Fiddycups!”
Fisticuffs, that word is fisticuffs.
Fitted cups?
Where did you find that anyway? I thought I got rid of it.
Check out my sunglasses!
Where did you find aviators!?!
In the box that Uncle Travis sent us.
Scarlet, go put on a different shirt.
Can I put on my favorite shirt?
Fine.
The one that says Jet Somers is-
NO!
~~static~~
You’re a prop, Sarah. That’s what you’re good for, that’s what I’ve used you for and will continue to use you for, just like at Outlast.
Sure, it was a great opportunity to put Sarah Lacklan in the spotlight. That’s what you thought, wasn’t it? After all, you’re so good at self-promoting yourself, running your little social media empire, putting your ever so special spin on everything.
What happened at Outlast was about me and Zane. You were just a tool, one that thinks itself superior but is quickly finding itself to be very much the opposite. You played your part and the truth is I really couldn’t have cared less what happened to you afterwards. Turns out Vain beat you, because you weren’t anything special. Angie Vaughn got to be the one that took him down. That’s got to poke at you a little bit. You entered yourself into the Global Challenge, turns out that Roxy got to win it. If you and your fellow harlots manage to win the Lord of Trios tournament, I imagine it will be because Kenzi finally got her shi...stuff together.
((Donovan glances back over his shoulder quickly before continuing))
Now in your mind you’re the face of Chill. That’s also Kenzi, but sure, we’ll pretend it’s you. It’s just going to be the next thing that you promote yourself as being that somebody else is going to rip away from you. I’m coming to Chill, Sarah, and I’m coming to put a stop to this phantom legacy that you’ve imagined for yourself, because all eyes-
DAD! SCARLET HIT ME!!
SHE WOULDN’T GIVE ME PRINCESS PEACH!!
((Donovan rolls his eyes))
~~static~~
You know what the best part is about the events of the past month, Sarah? What I personally like most about Ichabod being the Creative Director? His era gets a benefit than mine didn’t have.
Me.
I’m off the bench. Granted I put myself there, but now I get to take myself off it. Sure, I retired. I’m also a professional wrestler. It’s like comic book death. We all come back.
So as great as last year was because I was Creative Director, this year is going to better because I’m not the Creative Director. You reap the most immediate benefit, Sarah. You get to learn a very deep and powerful lesson.
In UGWC...past, present, and future...all eyes…inevitably...are on ME.