Post by wwjbcd on Mar 28, 2019 22:15:43 GMT -5
Ever since the morally corrupt Zane Scott arbitrarily decided to try to end "Deathwish" Hide Yamazaki's career several weeks ago, not much has been heard of "The #1 Hit-Maker" Johnny Bonecrusher, save by his presence on Twitter as well as Aveline Lachlan's extravagant birthday festivities. Yamazaki appeared to be none the worse for wear, but considering Johnny acted like his man was left an invalid or worse, this isn't too surprising.
Anyway, it's time to kill Kenzi now!
Our story begins in a literal hellhole.
Waves upon waves of the living dead shamble back and forth in the insufferable heat. The stale stifling air drains the life out of anyone who hasn't already succumbed to their agonizing fate.
Anger, hate, resentment, fear, apprehension, depression, hopelessness - all of these negative emotions and sentiments and worse permeate the environment. Those that enter the bone-adorned gates of this version of hell forget what being a decent human being is like and thus they make thinly-veiled death-threats over the slightest of transgressions.
It feels like an eternity and a day has passed; trilobites make way for coelacanths which make way for plesiosaurs which make way for alligators which make way for the keepers of this dung-heap.
The Hollywood DMV.
Johnny Bonecrusher stands about 2/5ths of the way along the serpentine lineup. Yamazaki can occasionally be seen outside, tethered to a parking meter. In front of him is a middle-aged frumpy woman, behind him, a seemingly homeless man adorned in Satanic imagery. The scene pans in on Johnny, who turns toward the camera, looking unimpressed.
"Whose big idea was this anyway?!"
"Look at it this way, Mr. Bonecrusher, you need to get a driver's license anyway, so win-win?"
Johnny's weary eyes widen as his gaze bores a hole into the cameraman's very soul.
"You have mental problems. Anyway, whatever it takes in order for Yamazaki to get his hands back on that, that, that '#CoolKid'."
The woman in front of him turned around to face Johnny as she had happened to overhear (read: was snooping) the conversation.
"I thought I recognized your voice! I know who you are!"
The grubby man behind Johnny also chimes in.
"Oh yeah, I know who you are too! You're Jesus, the enemy of my people!"
Johnny gives the man a disgusted look before focusing his attention on the (probably) sane woman.
"Yeah, well, we big-shots need to occasionally mingle among the little people to remind us where we came from-"
"Yeah, yeah, yeah, you're right, but I was actually wondering, could you get all the #CoolKids' autographs for me?"
Johnny wishes that as a Canadian he could own a gun.
"Oh, right now? Like, right nowwww? Like, get out of this lineup that I've already been in for 45 minutes and just go hunt down my very best friends and be all like, 'Hey, fellow #CoolKids, how's about an autograph for some random woman? Oh, what's that? Oh right, yeah, I met her in the lineup of the DMV! Oh, what's thaaaat?! No, I didn't bother go after I was done there, I just left the lineup! Yup! The DMV is a mental institution, but for a fan-' ARE YOU KIDDING ME, LADY?!"
She jumps at his shouting.
"So that's a no?"
"'So that's a no-' THAT'S A HELL NO, YOU UPRIGHT BULLDOG!!! Turn around and get the HELL outta my face!!!"
The woman looks appalled but is too stunned to say anything so she just brusquely jerks herself back to her original position. Johnny turns to the man behind him.
"Some people, huh?"
The Satanist hisses at Johnny and holds up an upside-down cross.
"Oh yeah, you, never mind."
Johnny just stands there minding his own business, occasionally looking at his cellphone for an update to the time: it is perpetually infinity o'clock.
But in reality, we now jump ahead an hour, and Johnny is now 3/5ths deep in the lineup. Outside, Yamazaki has taken to trying to box the parking meter in the hopes of extracting some change out of it.
"So, uh, is this all you're going to do? Because if so, can I just go home now?"
Johnny slowly turns his head toward the cameraman. If looks could kill, everyone in a 100-block radius would be skeletons by now.
"No. No. If I suffer, you suffer. Now quit being a dick and, I dunno, fuckin' ask me something related to the match my man's in at Chill!"
"Oh, well, since you asked so nicely, uhh... so, what do you think Hide's odds are of beating Kenzi this time around?"
Johnny's mouth goes agape.
"You're an idiot."
"What?"
"Don't 'What?' me, you chimpanzee! How do you think I'm going to answer that question?! 'Oh, uh, duh, gee whiz there, I guess Yamazaki's gonna lose-"
"Again-"
"'Ag-' now you listen here, you smug fuck you, unless you're suffering from some irreparable brain damage, you damn well know Lackslan of the Grey variety never wanted any piece of Yamazaki, any piece of him! Why else did she feed that dopey assistant of hers to my man and only come into the match when the gettin' was good? Because she knew... she knows in her heart of hearts that one on one, mano a womano, #CoolKid or not, Yamazaki would tear into her like this rhinoceros in front of me would tear into a 20-piece meal at Popeye's!"
"Hey!"
"Hey you! 'Can you get me the #CoolKids' autographs'! Shut your gaping maw before you make all the krill on Earth extinct!!"
The woman looks extremely offended and turns back around.
"You're pretty mean-spirited today, Johnny."
Johnny points right at the cameraman.
"You want some of this too? Because I could say some shit about you too, you know!"
"No, no, just keep going."
"Good! Now, one might think that I'm going to ignore the fact Kenzi's a Cooperative Champion and, and, just won the second-annual Lords of Trios tournament with those other people, and you know what? You'd be right! Who cares? Who cares what she's done when other people were there to help bail her our of a tight spot? Good for her, she plays the part of a parasite well, but my man Yamazaki is an army unto himself, and this Monday, he's gonna play the role of the smoldering match that, when pressed up to the parasite that is the aforementioned Kenzi, will expose her, then burn her to a cinders! You hear me, nameless cameraman?!"
"Uh, my name's Todd?"
"Go to hell!!! The bottom line is this: the time's finally come for her to get her comeuppance for humiliating Yamazaki and to a lesser extent Yours Truly when we first came onto the scene here in the UGWC! Alone, she's weak, but like I already said, Yamazaki is a one-man army! What chance does a weak-link, a parasite, a scared little girl have, when thrust into the path of a wild animal?"
Meanwhile outside, Yamazaki can be seen picking up some change. The parking meter's glass is busted and the meter itself is a bit bent. A parking enforcement officer rushes onto the scene. You can't quite make out what's being said, but the officer is evidently livid and getting more frustrated as his words don't quite appear to have an effect on the madman.
"I think your guy's going to get in trouble."
"Huh? Oh, nahhh, it'll be okay."
Yamazaki can now be seen strangling the officer with a length of the tether.
"Uh, Johnny?"
Johnny scoots out of line. He points at Todd the cameraman.
"You better hold my place, or we're gonna have a problem!"
He power walks toward the exit.
"Yamazaki, get that guy's head out of your mouth, for fuck's sake!"
Two hours later, and Johnny is 4/5ths of the way to the front of the line. The life appears to have been drained from the Canadian (note the correct spelling of "Canadian" there - and here), as has his will to live. He wonders is Mother Bonecrusher was right: was he really a failure for getting into professional wrestling? Is it too late to become a doctor or a lawyer? He counts his life savings in his head to the penny, dividing it by rent and bills and groceries and other expenses and wonders if he could sustain off of it for the rest of his life. Retirement seems pretty good right about now.
"So, ah, uh, what was I saying?"
"What?! I don't remember! That was an hour ago!!"
"Huh? What? Oh yeah. An hour ago. I'm at the DMV still, huh?"
"Y-yeah, Johnny, you are, we are."
Johnny nods wanly.
"Right. Right. I knew that. Oh yeah, Yamazaki has that match this Monday against Kenzi. A, uh, a, a, a Stretcher Match. Finally, some good news for Team Johnny. Someone up there must like me. Not Ichabod, but someone. Yamazaki not only gets to get his mitts on that, that so-called #CoolKid, but he then potentially gets to wheel her away on a stretcher, where he'll proceed to tip it over at the highest point in the arena."
"That'll probably kill her, Johnny. You can't do that."
Johnny raises a heavy arm, pointing it towards Todd the cameraman.
"You're right, Josh-"
"Todd."
"You're right, cameraman, I can't do that, I'm not even in the match! But Yamazaki on the other hand, oh, he most certainly can - and will, just you wait. We've been waiting for this moment, and it's almost upon us."
"I mean, it might go your way, but you really shouldn't underestimate Kenzi, even though I'm pretty sure you're mostly just being intentionally disrespectful."
"Oh? But who asked your opinion even, Rod?"
"Todd!"
"DOES IT MATTER!!! Lemme make one thing... PERFECTLY CLEAR, you lackey: what I said earlier was true - Kenzi is only good when she can hide behind someone else, and my man'll prove it Monday night in Chicago, you'll see!"
"Pennsylvania."
"Oh, is it Pennsylvania this time around?"
"Yea-"
"DOES!!! IT MATTER!!! What matters is, Kenzi is an opportunist who managed to trick a fool the last time, but make no mistake, The Johnny is no fool, and this time, he'll be at ringside! And I'm sorry, but that reduces Kenzi's chances of winning exponentially! She'll just have to settle for surviving the match, and, ah, you know, if Yamazaki has his way, she might not be able to settle for anything less than an early grave! You hear me?! Monday night we bury a #CoolKid!!!"
"And Tuesday morning we all appear on the news..."
"What's that?!"
"N-nothing! Nothing!"
At long last, and what surely feels like an eternity later, Johnny has survived the dreaded Hollywood DMV lineup, and with mere moments to spare before closing. The woman before him is adorned in long obviously fake hair and long obviously fake nails. She looks like she could care less except when it comes to going home for the night.
"Can I help you?"
"'Can I help you', no! I just tour DMVs for fun- of course you can help me!!"
"Sir, if you're going to give me attitude, you can go to the back of the line and let someone else help you out."
Which wouldn't have happened; Johnny would have just had to try again tomorrow. Or sicced Yamazaki on everyone in the building.
"Nonono! No no no. No. No. I've been waiting to see you for like 13 hours now-"
"Four hours, sir."
"FOUR HOURS?! That's impossible!! I swear I got here at 1 and it's now, ah, it's-"
"Almost 5:00, sir."
"'Almost 5:00'... god this place just drains the hell out of you, huh?"
"As much as I'd love to chat you up all day, I'd like to go home soon, so can I help you?"
The urge to talk back to the person who can easily decide to tell him to fuck off had dissipated from his mind.
"Y-yeah, I'd like to get my driver's license... please."
"You got all the forms filled out?"
Johnny raises his hand with a bunch of heavily-wrinked paperwork.
"You got ID?"
Johnny nods and pats down his pockets until he comes across it, handing it to her. The woman examines it, but her expression doesn't change.
"Sir, this says you're a Canadian citizen."
"Yes? Of course? I mean, I'm known as Canada's Greatest Athlete in some circles, you know."
The Satanist behind him snickers. Johnny doesn't turn around, but his eyes go to the side. Then he slowly turns around to confront the gigglepuss. He smiles at the man, the man smiles at him.
"JESUS LOVES YOU!!!"
This incites the man to shriek and recoil before scampering away in utter terror. Johnny chuckles to himself before turning to face the woman again.
"Now, you were saying?"
"What I was saying was, this is a Canadian ID, not a Canadian driver's license."
Johnny shrugs.
"So?"
"So, no Canadian driver's license, no US driver's license. Sir, you just wasted my time."
Johnny's eyes widen. His pulse increases. He becomes red. He begins to shake. A thousand, a million, a trillion murderous thoughts swarm his brain. He grips the edge of the counter so tightly his knuckles become white.
"Johnny, don't blow a gasket."
"Sir, please step aside so I can help out the last of these people."
Proverbial flames appear in Johnny's eyes. He clenches his teeth. He wonders if the purse money Yamazaki has accumulated thus far would be enough to bail him out of jail.
"Johnny?"
And then, Johnny's body and expression softens as he exhales. He audibly clasps his hands together and proceeds to move aside, smiling.
"All right then! Let's go!"
Outside, Yamazaki roams free, having gnawed through his tether. After seeing Johnny, he reconvenes with his handler.
"Okay there, Yamazaki, let's go see if Hollywood Medical Supplies is still open!"
They then proceed to walk away.
"Uh, Johnny?"
Johnny turns around to address Todd the cameraman. He seems quite excited; a drastic contrast to his Pompeian-like near-miss of an eruption mere moments earlier.
"Yes, you?"
"Todd. And, uh, are you all right?"
"Never been better, cameraman, never been better! Now, if you don't mind, we've got to prepare for my man's upcoming Stretcher Match, and what better place to prepare than Hollywood Medical Supplies!"
"Uh, okay, if you say so, Johnny."
And with that, the unholy duo walk off into the two-hours-away-from sunset.
Anyway, it's time to kill Kenzi now!
Our story begins in a literal hellhole.
Waves upon waves of the living dead shamble back and forth in the insufferable heat. The stale stifling air drains the life out of anyone who hasn't already succumbed to their agonizing fate.
Anger, hate, resentment, fear, apprehension, depression, hopelessness - all of these negative emotions and sentiments and worse permeate the environment. Those that enter the bone-adorned gates of this version of hell forget what being a decent human being is like and thus they make thinly-veiled death-threats over the slightest of transgressions.
It feels like an eternity and a day has passed; trilobites make way for coelacanths which make way for plesiosaurs which make way for alligators which make way for the keepers of this dung-heap.
The Hollywood DMV.
Johnny Bonecrusher stands about 2/5ths of the way along the serpentine lineup. Yamazaki can occasionally be seen outside, tethered to a parking meter. In front of him is a middle-aged frumpy woman, behind him, a seemingly homeless man adorned in Satanic imagery. The scene pans in on Johnny, who turns toward the camera, looking unimpressed.
"Whose big idea was this anyway?!"
"Look at it this way, Mr. Bonecrusher, you need to get a driver's license anyway, so win-win?"
Johnny's weary eyes widen as his gaze bores a hole into the cameraman's very soul.
"You have mental problems. Anyway, whatever it takes in order for Yamazaki to get his hands back on that, that, that '#CoolKid'."
The woman in front of him turned around to face Johnny as she had happened to overhear (read: was snooping) the conversation.
"I thought I recognized your voice! I know who you are!"
The grubby man behind Johnny also chimes in.
"Oh yeah, I know who you are too! You're Jesus, the enemy of my people!"
Johnny gives the man a disgusted look before focusing his attention on the (probably) sane woman.
"Yeah, well, we big-shots need to occasionally mingle among the little people to remind us where we came from-"
"Yeah, yeah, yeah, you're right, but I was actually wondering, could you get all the #CoolKids' autographs for me?"
Johnny wishes that as a Canadian he could own a gun.
"Oh, right now? Like, right nowwww? Like, get out of this lineup that I've already been in for 45 minutes and just go hunt down my very best friends and be all like, 'Hey, fellow #CoolKids, how's about an autograph for some random woman? Oh, what's that? Oh right, yeah, I met her in the lineup of the DMV! Oh, what's thaaaat?! No, I didn't bother go after I was done there, I just left the lineup! Yup! The DMV is a mental institution, but for a fan-' ARE YOU KIDDING ME, LADY?!"
She jumps at his shouting.
"So that's a no?"
"'So that's a no-' THAT'S A HELL NO, YOU UPRIGHT BULLDOG!!! Turn around and get the HELL outta my face!!!"
The woman looks appalled but is too stunned to say anything so she just brusquely jerks herself back to her original position. Johnny turns to the man behind him.
"Some people, huh?"
The Satanist hisses at Johnny and holds up an upside-down cross.
"Oh yeah, you, never mind."
Johnny just stands there minding his own business, occasionally looking at his cellphone for an update to the time: it is perpetually infinity o'clock.
But in reality, we now jump ahead an hour, and Johnny is now 3/5ths deep in the lineup. Outside, Yamazaki has taken to trying to box the parking meter in the hopes of extracting some change out of it.
"So, uh, is this all you're going to do? Because if so, can I just go home now?"
Johnny slowly turns his head toward the cameraman. If looks could kill, everyone in a 100-block radius would be skeletons by now.
"No. No. If I suffer, you suffer. Now quit being a dick and, I dunno, fuckin' ask me something related to the match my man's in at Chill!"
"Oh, well, since you asked so nicely, uhh... so, what do you think Hide's odds are of beating Kenzi this time around?"
Johnny's mouth goes agape.
"You're an idiot."
"What?"
"Don't 'What?' me, you chimpanzee! How do you think I'm going to answer that question?! 'Oh, uh, duh, gee whiz there, I guess Yamazaki's gonna lose-"
"Again-"
"'Ag-' now you listen here, you smug fuck you, unless you're suffering from some irreparable brain damage, you damn well know Lackslan of the Grey variety never wanted any piece of Yamazaki, any piece of him! Why else did she feed that dopey assistant of hers to my man and only come into the match when the gettin' was good? Because she knew... she knows in her heart of hearts that one on one, mano a womano, #CoolKid or not, Yamazaki would tear into her like this rhinoceros in front of me would tear into a 20-piece meal at Popeye's!"
"Hey!"
"Hey you! 'Can you get me the #CoolKids' autographs'! Shut your gaping maw before you make all the krill on Earth extinct!!"
The woman looks extremely offended and turns back around.
"You're pretty mean-spirited today, Johnny."
Johnny points right at the cameraman.
"You want some of this too? Because I could say some shit about you too, you know!"
"No, no, just keep going."
"Good! Now, one might think that I'm going to ignore the fact Kenzi's a Cooperative Champion and, and, just won the second-annual Lords of Trios tournament with those other people, and you know what? You'd be right! Who cares? Who cares what she's done when other people were there to help bail her our of a tight spot? Good for her, she plays the part of a parasite well, but my man Yamazaki is an army unto himself, and this Monday, he's gonna play the role of the smoldering match that, when pressed up to the parasite that is the aforementioned Kenzi, will expose her, then burn her to a cinders! You hear me, nameless cameraman?!"
"Uh, my name's Todd?"
"Go to hell!!! The bottom line is this: the time's finally come for her to get her comeuppance for humiliating Yamazaki and to a lesser extent Yours Truly when we first came onto the scene here in the UGWC! Alone, she's weak, but like I already said, Yamazaki is a one-man army! What chance does a weak-link, a parasite, a scared little girl have, when thrust into the path of a wild animal?"
Meanwhile outside, Yamazaki can be seen picking up some change. The parking meter's glass is busted and the meter itself is a bit bent. A parking enforcement officer rushes onto the scene. You can't quite make out what's being said, but the officer is evidently livid and getting more frustrated as his words don't quite appear to have an effect on the madman.
"I think your guy's going to get in trouble."
"Huh? Oh, nahhh, it'll be okay."
Yamazaki can now be seen strangling the officer with a length of the tether.
"Uh, Johnny?"
Johnny scoots out of line. He points at Todd the cameraman.
"You better hold my place, or we're gonna have a problem!"
He power walks toward the exit.
"Yamazaki, get that guy's head out of your mouth, for fuck's sake!"
Two hours later, and Johnny is 4/5ths of the way to the front of the line. The life appears to have been drained from the Canadian (note the correct spelling of "Canadian" there - and here), as has his will to live. He wonders is Mother Bonecrusher was right: was he really a failure for getting into professional wrestling? Is it too late to become a doctor or a lawyer? He counts his life savings in his head to the penny, dividing it by rent and bills and groceries and other expenses and wonders if he could sustain off of it for the rest of his life. Retirement seems pretty good right about now.
"So, ah, uh, what was I saying?"
"What?! I don't remember! That was an hour ago!!"
"Huh? What? Oh yeah. An hour ago. I'm at the DMV still, huh?"
"Y-yeah, Johnny, you are, we are."
Johnny nods wanly.
"Right. Right. I knew that. Oh yeah, Yamazaki has that match this Monday against Kenzi. A, uh, a, a, a Stretcher Match. Finally, some good news for Team Johnny. Someone up there must like me. Not Ichabod, but someone. Yamazaki not only gets to get his mitts on that, that so-called #CoolKid, but he then potentially gets to wheel her away on a stretcher, where he'll proceed to tip it over at the highest point in the arena."
"That'll probably kill her, Johnny. You can't do that."
Johnny raises a heavy arm, pointing it towards Todd the cameraman.
"You're right, Josh-"
"Todd."
"You're right, cameraman, I can't do that, I'm not even in the match! But Yamazaki on the other hand, oh, he most certainly can - and will, just you wait. We've been waiting for this moment, and it's almost upon us."
"I mean, it might go your way, but you really shouldn't underestimate Kenzi, even though I'm pretty sure you're mostly just being intentionally disrespectful."
"Oh? But who asked your opinion even, Rod?"
"Todd!"
"DOES IT MATTER!!! Lemme make one thing... PERFECTLY CLEAR, you lackey: what I said earlier was true - Kenzi is only good when she can hide behind someone else, and my man'll prove it Monday night in Chicago, you'll see!"
"Pennsylvania."
"Oh, is it Pennsylvania this time around?"
"Yea-"
"DOES!!! IT MATTER!!! What matters is, Kenzi is an opportunist who managed to trick a fool the last time, but make no mistake, The Johnny is no fool, and this time, he'll be at ringside! And I'm sorry, but that reduces Kenzi's chances of winning exponentially! She'll just have to settle for surviving the match, and, ah, you know, if Yamazaki has his way, she might not be able to settle for anything less than an early grave! You hear me?! Monday night we bury a #CoolKid!!!"
"And Tuesday morning we all appear on the news..."
"What's that?!"
"N-nothing! Nothing!"
At long last, and what surely feels like an eternity later, Johnny has survived the dreaded Hollywood DMV lineup, and with mere moments to spare before closing. The woman before him is adorned in long obviously fake hair and long obviously fake nails. She looks like she could care less except when it comes to going home for the night.
"Can I help you?"
"'Can I help you', no! I just tour DMVs for fun- of course you can help me!!"
"Sir, if you're going to give me attitude, you can go to the back of the line and let someone else help you out."
Which wouldn't have happened; Johnny would have just had to try again tomorrow. Or sicced Yamazaki on everyone in the building.
"Nonono! No no no. No. No. I've been waiting to see you for like 13 hours now-"
"Four hours, sir."
"FOUR HOURS?! That's impossible!! I swear I got here at 1 and it's now, ah, it's-"
"Almost 5:00, sir."
"'Almost 5:00'... god this place just drains the hell out of you, huh?"
"As much as I'd love to chat you up all day, I'd like to go home soon, so can I help you?"
The urge to talk back to the person who can easily decide to tell him to fuck off had dissipated from his mind.
"Y-yeah, I'd like to get my driver's license... please."
"You got all the forms filled out?"
Johnny raises his hand with a bunch of heavily-wrinked paperwork.
"You got ID?"
Johnny nods and pats down his pockets until he comes across it, handing it to her. The woman examines it, but her expression doesn't change.
"Sir, this says you're a Canadian citizen."
"Yes? Of course? I mean, I'm known as Canada's Greatest Athlete in some circles, you know."
The Satanist behind him snickers. Johnny doesn't turn around, but his eyes go to the side. Then he slowly turns around to confront the gigglepuss. He smiles at the man, the man smiles at him.
"JESUS LOVES YOU!!!"
This incites the man to shriek and recoil before scampering away in utter terror. Johnny chuckles to himself before turning to face the woman again.
"Now, you were saying?"
"What I was saying was, this is a Canadian ID, not a Canadian driver's license."
Johnny shrugs.
"So?"
"So, no Canadian driver's license, no US driver's license. Sir, you just wasted my time."
Johnny's eyes widen. His pulse increases. He becomes red. He begins to shake. A thousand, a million, a trillion murderous thoughts swarm his brain. He grips the edge of the counter so tightly his knuckles become white.
"Johnny, don't blow a gasket."
"Sir, please step aside so I can help out the last of these people."
Proverbial flames appear in Johnny's eyes. He clenches his teeth. He wonders if the purse money Yamazaki has accumulated thus far would be enough to bail him out of jail.
"Johnny?"
And then, Johnny's body and expression softens as he exhales. He audibly clasps his hands together and proceeds to move aside, smiling.
"All right then! Let's go!"
Outside, Yamazaki roams free, having gnawed through his tether. After seeing Johnny, he reconvenes with his handler.
"Okay there, Yamazaki, let's go see if Hollywood Medical Supplies is still open!"
They then proceed to walk away.
"Uh, Johnny?"
Johnny turns around to address Todd the cameraman. He seems quite excited; a drastic contrast to his Pompeian-like near-miss of an eruption mere moments earlier.
"Yes, you?"
"Todd. And, uh, are you all right?"
"Never been better, cameraman, never been better! Now, if you don't mind, we've got to prepare for my man's upcoming Stretcher Match, and what better place to prepare than Hollywood Medical Supplies!"
"Uh, okay, if you say so, Johnny."
And with that, the unholy duo walk off into the two-hours-away-from sunset.
