Post by capt80s on Mar 30, 2019 22:57:53 GMT -5
In a back office at Danny Fisher Memorial Field the morning after Lord of Trios, Holden Orson stares awkwardly at the back of Chaos' bald head as the Off-Color Commentator converses with what seems like an empty chair behind the desk.
Holden Orson: Clears throat.
Chaos turns, and as he's looking over his shoulder, Holden notices that there is an open Chadweiser sitting in front of the pushed in, empty chair where Ichabod may have sat before being promoted to Creative Director.
Chaos: That's my last one, so unless you brought a sixxer with you, I'm not sharing.
Holden Orson: Unless that was triple brewed and distilled in the islands of Papua New Guinea by the Melanesian people, then I don't think you have anything to fear.
Chaos nods.
Chaos: Well, I lied anyway, there's a cooler full in my dressing room, but that shit's fucking far.
Holden Orson: Shuffles feet.
Chaos: Are you fucking calling me lazy?
Holden Orson: What?
Chaos: What?
Holden Orson: Baffled silence.
Chaos: Look, fucker, I don't know what the fuck nonsense you're spouting, but could you get to the point? I was trying to pitch some Chill #8 ideas, here.
Holden peers at the can for a moment, but decides to carry on.
Holden Orson: I was led to believe that Chill matches were meant to be exotic, out of the ordinary.
Chaos: Not necessarily...
Holden Orson: I'm pitted against one of the most flamboyant members of the Chill roster, and we're in a simple one on one match. What gives?
Chaos: I mean y--
Captain 80s: (from down the hallway) AHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOY CHAOS!! THE CAPTAIN APPROACHES!!! YEAAAAH!!!
Chaos Orson: Oh, fucking shit...
Holden Orson: Facepalm.
Chaptain 80s enters the room by somehow managing to fling open the door that Holden hadn't bothered the close, hard enough that the handle cracks through the drywall.
Captain 80s: THE CAPTAIN HAS JUST BEEN TOLD BY A WANDERING PHOENIX THAT HIS WORK ON THREE MILE ISLAND HAS NOT YET BEEN COMPLETED. DESPITE FALLING TO WRESTLEY MCWRESTLEFACE AND LETTING THE PIERCING MEDIA NETWORK DOWN AT LORD OF TRIOS ON MARCH 25TH, THE CAPTAIN IS SET TO MEET ONCE AGAIN HOLDEN ORSON ON THE FABLED FIELD OF BATTLE AT CHILL #7!!
Holden Orson: Clears throat again.
The Captain turns and sees Holden standing with his arms crossed.
Captain 80s: AHOOOOOOOY HOLDEN ORSON!!! THE CAPTAIN IS THRILLED BEYOND ALL REASONABLE RECKONING TO ONCE AGAIN CHALLENGE YOUR HIPSTERY MIGHT AT--
Holden Orson: Scoff.
Captain 80s: THE CAPTAIN HOPES YOU'RE NOT SUFFERING FROM SEASONAL ALLERGIES AND SINUSES, HOLDEN ORSON!! HE HAS A VARIETY OF MEDICATIONS IN HIS LOCKER ROOM IF YOU SHOULD NEED THEM. EL CAPITAN WOULD BE MOST DISAPPOINTED IF YOU SHOULD NOT BE AT ONE HUNDRED TEN PERCENT BY NEXT WEEK WHEN HE WILL MEET YOU IN THE SQUARED CIRCLE IN FRONT OF ALL THE MILLIONS OF FIRST MATES (HASHTAGS#)!!!!
Holden Orson: Forget it, I've got to catch a steam train back home. I have a sandwich to sniff out.
Captain 80s: OH NO, HOLDEN ORSON!! THE CAPTAIN WOULDN'T HEAR OF IT!! HE HAS HIS OWN FANTASTICAL TRANSPORTATION, AND OUT OF RESPECT FOR HIS OPPONENT, WOULD LIKE TO OFFER YOU A RIDE TO YOUR HOME!!
Holden Orson: Um... ok, whatever. We probably need to leave now before the interstates get--
Captain 80s: INTERSTATES?? HOLDEN ORSON, WHERE WE'RE GOING, WE DON'T NEED INTERSTATES!!!
Holden Orson: Sigh of resignation. Is this the part where you try to convince me that your ridiculous flying ship is real?
Captain 80s: REAL AS YOU OR THE CAPTAIN, AMIGO! LET'S FLY!!
The Captain grabs Holden and forcibly drags him out into the hallway and out of sight.
Chaos blinks a few times before turning back around to address the can of beer.
Chaos: So anyway, if we can get Zane Scott to team up with Travis Pierce...
The Captain and Holden stand inside a nine foot iron vault door on a platform ten or fifteen feet above hills and hills of what looks like gold dubloons.
Holden Orson: What... the hell... did you do?
Captain 80s: HOLDEN ORSON, THE CAPTAIN TOLD YOU THAT THE FALCOR TRAVELS NOT ONLY THROUGH TIME, NOT ONLY ACROSS THE VAST EXPANSES BETWEEN STARFIELDS, BUT ALSO THROUGH THE THIN MEMBRANES BETWEEN DIMENSIONS!! THE CAPTAIN MUST STOP FROM TIME TO TIME TO REFUEL BY COLLECTING THE LAUGHTER AND DREAMS OF THE FIRST MATES (HASHTAGS#), IN WHATEVER REALITY HE MIGHT FIND HIMSELF!!
Holden looks out over the mounds of coins.
Holden Orson: So, um... what do we do now?
Captain 80s: GIVE THE AUDIENCE WHAT THEY WANT!! YEAAAAAH!!
WIth that, the Captain claps a mighty hand between Holden's shoulder blades, sending him spilling over the railing on the platform. Holden plummets headfirst toward the piles of money, but instead of breaking his neck in the fall, he plunges into the piles as if they were made of liquid.
The Captain leans over, gripping the railing as he watches with glee. A few moments later, Holden surfaces, spitting a stream of gold in an arc.
Captain 80s: THAT'S THE SPIRIT, HOLDEN ORSON!!
Holden Orson: I have no idea how I did that.
The vault door swings open, and three ducklings pad into the vault.
Huey: Unca Holden!!
Holden Orson: Speechless stare.
Dewey: Unca Holden! We're going to be late for our Junior Woodchucks trip!!
Captain 80s: COME ON HOLDEN, YOU HAVE TO GET YOUR NEPHEWS TO THEIR JUNIOR WOODCHUCKS TRIP! GET OUT OF THERE!
Holden Orson: I have literally no response to this.
Louie: Captain 80s-pad! We saw your new plane outside, we thought Unca Holden wasn't going to buy another one after you crashed the last one!
Captain 80s: AHOY BOYS!! THE CAPTAIN WOULD NEVER CRASH THE MIGHTY FALCOR!! YOU AND YOUR UNCLE HAVE NOTHING TO WORRY ABOUT!!
All 3: Let's go Unca Holden!!
A boy in a red tee-shirt skateboards by Holden and Captain 80s as Holden looks down at his hands.
Holden Orson: I think I may have jaundice.
Captain 80s: HOLDEN THIS IS SPRINGFIELD!
Holden Orson: In what state?
Captain 80s answers the question but a truck drives by and muffles his answer.
Holden Orson: Huh. I would have never thought that.
Captain 80s: MMMM. DONUTS.
Captain 80s points at convenience store called “Kwik-E-Mart.”
Captain 80s: LET’S GET SOME DONUTS. OOOOOHHHHH THE CAPTAIN COULD GO FOR A SUGAR RUSH. YEAAAH!!!
Holden Orson: Scoff. I don’t think I should have sweets. I need to do something about this jaundice.
Captain 80s ignores the statement and starts walking towards the Kwik-E-Mart with Holden aimlessly following him, still fascinated with his yellow skin. They enter the door and Wrestley McWrestleface is standing behind the counter.
Wrestley: Hello guys! Welcome to Kwik-E-Mart!
Captain 80s: THE CAPTAIN DOESN’T THINK YOU’RE SUPPOSED TO BE HERE WRESTLEY McWRESTLEFACE.
Wrestley: Well… the UGWC network said this character was a little too racist….
Holden Orson: You don’t seem to have Jaundice. You look suddenly… brown.
Wrestley: Well Holden… I’m filling in for Apu.
Holden nods.
Holden Orson: Yeah, I’d say you look like a poo.
Captain 80s does a facepalm.
Captain 80s: D’OH!
Holden Orson: What?
Wrestley: That was pretty corny.
Holden snarls.
Wrestley: Hey man… don’t have a cow. Wait… why did I say that?
Captain 80s: MAYBE IT’S THE JAUNDICE.
Holden Orson: This has gone off the rails.
Captains does a large belch with his lips flapping while he does it. Holden and Wrestley look bewildered.
Holden Orson: What in Jan Wnęk’s chisel was that?
Captain 80s: THE JAUNDICE IS GOING TO KILL US IF WE DON’T GET OUT OF HERE. THIS TYPE OF THING DIDN’T HAPPEN IN THE 80s!
Wrestley: Actually, this show started in 1989! It’s technically an 80s show!
Captain 80s: 89 BARELY COUNTS, WRESTLEY MCWRESTLEFACE! LET’S GET OUT OF HERE HOLDEN!
The Captain and Holden stand on a table that looks as though it were built by someone standing ten or twelve feet in height. They're looking around a modest suburban home.
Holden Orson: Is this some sort of giant-world?
Captain 80s: THE CAPTAIN DOESN'T ALWAYS KNOW KNOW ALL THE DETAILS OF THE WORLDS HE VISITS, HOLDEN ORSON!!
Holden Orson: Look at the size of that kitten!
He points across the room, where a ridiculously cute grey tabby is batting his eyelashes at them.
Holden Orson: I think that kitten wants to eat us...
Captain 80s: I THINK THE CAPTAIN WANTS TO EAT THAT INSANE DISH OF LASAGNA!!
Holden doesn't hear this, because the tabby has begun to slink around the table leg and purr at an insane volume. The Captain, on the other hand, has used his mighty arms to lift a casserole dish easily four times his size up and tilt it so that pasta and cheese begins to spill over into his mouth. Somehow, he doesn't spill a drop.
Holden stares warily down at the tabby, trying to calculate in his mind the possibility that the gargantuan thing can leap up onto the table.
Holden Orson: Captain, we have to get out of here.
He's caught of guard, however, as the Captain suddenly sprints across the table and shoves Holden off to the floor!
As Holden sits up in shock, the tabby slinks over to him and stretches really slowly, before settling down on it's paws and giving a tiny mew.
Holden Orson: I hate cats.
Captain 80s: DAMN THE CAPTAIN IS PRETTY!
Holden Orson: What?
Holden peers at Captain 80s. He’s wearing a tight black t-shirt and his hair has morphed up into a pompadour. He can’t quite tell if this is Captain 80s or he’s doing a character.
Captain 80s: LISTEN HERE SONNY. WE NEED TO GO FIND SOME LADIES….
Holden Orson: Yeah… about that….
Captain 80s: LET’S GO TO THE BEACH!!! YEAAAAHHH!!! THOSE TEENY WEENY BIKINIS. OH MOMMA!!
Holden Orson: Where’s the beach?
Captain 80s flexes and points towards a direction.
Captain 80s: THE BEACH IS …. THAT WAY!!!
Holden and Captain walk to the beach. Captain 80s loses his mind everytime an attractive woman passes. A very fit woman in a small white bikini walks by and smiles at the pair.
Captain 80s: HEY BABY. ANYBODY EVER TELL YOU EL CAPITAN HAS BEAUTIFUL EYES?
The woman ignores him and keeps walking. Captain 80s starts searching around. A woman in a large sun hat and a revealing red two piece starts to stroll by.
Captain 80s: HEY BABY!! YOU LOOK PRETTY!! CAP QUATRE-VINGTS LOOKS PRETTY!! LET’S GO TO HIS HOUSE AND STARE AT EACH OTHER!!
The woman looks stunned. She looks over at Holden who shrugs.
Holden Orson: I don’t know what he’s trying to do here. He seems oblivious to how obnoxious he is. But I think that's his thing all the time.
After getting no response, Captain 80s runs up to a woman reading a book under the shade of an umbrella. Captain 80s lies facing her, propped up on his arm.
Captain 80s: HEY PRETTY MOMMA!! THE CAPTAIN LOST HIS PHONE NUMBER!! CAN HE BORROW YOURS?
The woman sneers at him.
Woman: Look buddy. Just because I’m at the beach doesn’t mean I want some grease-ball staring at me and hitting on me.
Holden Orson: Chuckle.
Woman: You’re being a sexist pig walking around here, getting in people’s personal space and trying to push yourself on them with those cheesy pick-up lines.
Captain 80s: NOW LISTEN HERE MISS!! JAKE PIPER AIN’T GOT NO TIME FOR YOU TO BE TALKING GREEK!! IT’S A BEAUTIFUL DAY TODAY!! NOT AS BEAUTIFUL AS THE KEYMASTER!!! OR YOU EVEN. BUT PRETTIER THAN HIM OVER THERE!!!
The woman storms off leaving Captain 80s laying by himself on the beach.
Holden Orson: This is atrocious. We should leave.
Captain 80s: HOLDEN ORSON, YOU’RE JUST MAD YOU DON’T GET TO BE THE PRETTY ONE.
Captain 80s starts bouncing his pecks.
Holden Orson: … I can’t even think of something to say to mock you right now. We’re leaving.
Holden Orson: Are we... are we tunneling through the Earth?
Captain 80s: YES, HOLDEN ORSON, AND IT'S TOTALLY RADICAL, DUDE!!!!
Holden Orson: Why are you talking like Vinnie Lane?
Vinnie Lane: Gimme a break....
Holden turns round in his seat to see Vinnie Lane and Forewell Boding in the back. Vinnie is wearing a red bandana around his eyes and has a pair of sais tucked into his waistband, and Forewell is wearing a blue one while a pair of swords are strapped to his back.
He reaches up to his face and notices that he's also wearing a bandana instead of his customary masquerade mask, and, reaching behind him, feels the length of a bo staff. Looking over at the Captain, he sees an orange bandana and a pair of nunchucks.
Holden Orson: Scoff.
Captain 80s: THOSE SEASONAL ALLERGIES AGAIN, DUDE!! ARE YOU SURE YOU DON'T NEED SOME TUBULAR SUDAFEDS??
Holden Orson: I was just noticing that I have the best weapon. I don't know how you managed to get your ship to pass through solid rock, but this may be the best world you've dragged me to yet.
Forewell: Not so fast, the Shredder isn't going to be happy that we comandeered a tunneler, and I'm certain he has all kinds of tracking devices in here. If I can just locate them, I'm sure I can disable them.
Captain 80s: PREPARE TO BREACH THE SURFACE, DUDES! COWABUNGAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!
The tunneler erupts from the ground, overturning and spilling Vinnie, Holden, Forewell, and the Captain out. As they stand up and dust themselves off, they realize that they are surrounded by hundreds of masked ninjas. Off to one side, an amorphous humanoid points at them, while a high pitched, garbled voice rings out over an intercom:
Krang: Get them! Avenge your master!!
Vinnie: Who takes orders from a ball of snot?
Forewell: Looks like these guys do!!
The four of them draw their weapons and the battle is on!!
Holden and Captain 80s find themselves in the back seat of bus. The bus seems… to be flying.
Holden Orson: Is this your airship? Are we finally going home?
Captain 80s: WHAT NO! THIS THE MAGIC SCHOOL BUS!
Holden Orson: Wait I thought we weren’t saying the name of the show directly….
Captain 80s: THAT MEANS THE FRIZZ….
A group of kids and a wildly dressed red headed teacher/also bus driver for some reason pile into the bus.
Ms Frizzle: Seatbelts, everyone!
Some nerdy looking kid: PLEASE let this be a normal field trip.
All (but Holden.. but including Captain 80s): WITH THE FRIZZ? NO WAY!
A brown hair child stares at Holden for a moment or two.
Brown Haired Girl: At my old school, we only wore masquerade masks while doing a play.
Holden Orson: Scoff. School. So mainstream.
Captain 80s: HOLDEN! WE’RE HERE TO LEARN! DON’T BE RUDE TO THE CHILDREN!
More children seem interested in the two grown men sitting in the back of their bus. A blonde haired girl with pigtails rubs her chin while studying Captain 80s.
Blonde Haired Girl: According to my research… no one over 18 should really be on a field trip unless you’re a chaperone. Are you someone’s parent?
Captain 80s: YOU COULD SAY CAP IS THE FATHER TO ALL HIS FIRST MATES (HASHTAG#0 OUT THERE!! ALL THE LITTLE JIMMYS WHO DRINK THEIR MILK!!! TO ALL THE LITTLE SUSIES WHO SAY THEIR PRAYERS EVERY NIGHT!! TO ALL THE JAMALS OUT THERE WHO TAKE THEIR VITIMANS AND EAT THEIR VEGETABLES!!
Blonde Haired Girl: So… like… are you Ralphie’s dad…
Ms Frizzle: Okay class! We’re going to the museum today! We’re going to learn some history!
The class cheers.
Captain 80s: CAP BETs WE’RE GOING TO TURN INTO A SHIP AND SAIL THE SEAS WITH CHRISTOPHER COLUMBUS!
Holden Orson: He was looking for India.
Captain 80s: OR WE’RE GOING TO EGYPT TO HELP BUILD THE PYRAMIDS!
Holden Orson: Slave Labor.
Captain 80s: OR MAYBE WE’LL HELP THE WRIGHT BROTHERS TAKE THEIR FIRST FLIGHT.
Holden Orson: They didn’t even go anywhere.
Captain 80s: MAYBE WE’LL HELP THEM TAKE DOWN THE BERLIN WALL!
Holden Orson: I like the art.
Ms Frizzle: Are you guys ready to take chances? Make Mistakes? Get Messy?
All but Holden cheer.
Holden Orson: That’s what she said.
Captain 80s: HOLDEN!
Ms Frizzle: We’re going to learn about a Polish Carver today! He carved religious statues…
Holden Orson: Eyes a flutter!
Ms Frizzle: He also constructed a glider and flew it in the 1860s…
Holden Orson: YOU COULDN’T MEAN…
Captain 80s: Oh this seems lame…
Holden Orson: JAN WNĘK? ARE WE GOING TO THE JAN WNĘK MUSEUM? ALL THE LITTLE HOLDENITES OUT THERE COULDN’T BE MORE PROUD!
Captain 80s: Dude… I think you’re overreacting.
Holden Orson: OH MY GOD! WE’RE GOING TO SEE STUFF FROM KACZÓWKA WHERE HE WAS BORN. OR SOME MORE RECONSTRUCTIONS OF HIS GLIDERS. OOOOOOOO YEAAAAHHHHHHH!
Captain: Huff.
Holden continues to scream innate facts about Jan Wnęk while Captain 80s looks on disinterested while the Magic School bus drives normally along the road to the museum.
Holden Orson: Clears throat.
Chaos turns, and as he's looking over his shoulder, Holden notices that there is an open Chadweiser sitting in front of the pushed in, empty chair where Ichabod may have sat before being promoted to Creative Director.
Chaos: That's my last one, so unless you brought a sixxer with you, I'm not sharing.
Holden Orson: Unless that was triple brewed and distilled in the islands of Papua New Guinea by the Melanesian people, then I don't think you have anything to fear.
Chaos nods.
Chaos: Well, I lied anyway, there's a cooler full in my dressing room, but that shit's fucking far.
Holden Orson: Shuffles feet.
Chaos: Are you fucking calling me lazy?
Holden Orson: What?
Chaos: What?
Holden Orson: Baffled silence.
Chaos: Look, fucker, I don't know what the fuck nonsense you're spouting, but could you get to the point? I was trying to pitch some Chill #8 ideas, here.
Holden peers at the can for a moment, but decides to carry on.
Holden Orson: I was led to believe that Chill matches were meant to be exotic, out of the ordinary.
Chaos: Not necessarily...
Holden Orson: I'm pitted against one of the most flamboyant members of the Chill roster, and we're in a simple one on one match. What gives?
Chaos: I mean y--
Captain 80s: (from down the hallway) AHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOY CHAOS!! THE CAPTAIN APPROACHES!!! YEAAAAH!!!
Chaos Orson: Oh, fucking shit...
Holden Orson: Facepalm.
Chaptain 80s enters the room by somehow managing to fling open the door that Holden hadn't bothered the close, hard enough that the handle cracks through the drywall.
Captain 80s: THE CAPTAIN HAS JUST BEEN TOLD BY A WANDERING PHOENIX THAT HIS WORK ON THREE MILE ISLAND HAS NOT YET BEEN COMPLETED. DESPITE FALLING TO WRESTLEY MCWRESTLEFACE AND LETTING THE PIERCING MEDIA NETWORK DOWN AT LORD OF TRIOS ON MARCH 25TH, THE CAPTAIN IS SET TO MEET ONCE AGAIN HOLDEN ORSON ON THE FABLED FIELD OF BATTLE AT CHILL #7!!
Holden Orson: Clears throat again.
The Captain turns and sees Holden standing with his arms crossed.
Captain 80s: AHOOOOOOOY HOLDEN ORSON!!! THE CAPTAIN IS THRILLED BEYOND ALL REASONABLE RECKONING TO ONCE AGAIN CHALLENGE YOUR HIPSTERY MIGHT AT--
Holden Orson: Scoff.
Captain 80s: THE CAPTAIN HOPES YOU'RE NOT SUFFERING FROM SEASONAL ALLERGIES AND SINUSES, HOLDEN ORSON!! HE HAS A VARIETY OF MEDICATIONS IN HIS LOCKER ROOM IF YOU SHOULD NEED THEM. EL CAPITAN WOULD BE MOST DISAPPOINTED IF YOU SHOULD NOT BE AT ONE HUNDRED TEN PERCENT BY NEXT WEEK WHEN HE WILL MEET YOU IN THE SQUARED CIRCLE IN FRONT OF ALL THE MILLIONS OF FIRST MATES (HASHTAGS#)!!!!
Holden Orson: Forget it, I've got to catch a steam train back home. I have a sandwich to sniff out.
Captain 80s: OH NO, HOLDEN ORSON!! THE CAPTAIN WOULDN'T HEAR OF IT!! HE HAS HIS OWN FANTASTICAL TRANSPORTATION, AND OUT OF RESPECT FOR HIS OPPONENT, WOULD LIKE TO OFFER YOU A RIDE TO YOUR HOME!!
Holden Orson: Um... ok, whatever. We probably need to leave now before the interstates get--
Captain 80s: INTERSTATES?? HOLDEN ORSON, WHERE WE'RE GOING, WE DON'T NEED INTERSTATES!!!
Holden Orson: Sigh of resignation. Is this the part where you try to convince me that your ridiculous flying ship is real?
Captain 80s: REAL AS YOU OR THE CAPTAIN, AMIGO! LET'S FLY!!
The Captain grabs Holden and forcibly drags him out into the hallway and out of sight.
Chaos blinks a few times before turning back around to address the can of beer.
Chaos: So anyway, if we can get Zane Scott to team up with Travis Pierce...
*****80s!!!*****
The Captain and Holden stand inside a nine foot iron vault door on a platform ten or fifteen feet above hills and hills of what looks like gold dubloons.
Holden Orson: What... the hell... did you do?
Captain 80s: HOLDEN ORSON, THE CAPTAIN TOLD YOU THAT THE FALCOR TRAVELS NOT ONLY THROUGH TIME, NOT ONLY ACROSS THE VAST EXPANSES BETWEEN STARFIELDS, BUT ALSO THROUGH THE THIN MEMBRANES BETWEEN DIMENSIONS!! THE CAPTAIN MUST STOP FROM TIME TO TIME TO REFUEL BY COLLECTING THE LAUGHTER AND DREAMS OF THE FIRST MATES (HASHTAGS#), IN WHATEVER REALITY HE MIGHT FIND HIMSELF!!
Holden looks out over the mounds of coins.
Holden Orson: So, um... what do we do now?
Captain 80s: GIVE THE AUDIENCE WHAT THEY WANT!! YEAAAAAH!!
WIth that, the Captain claps a mighty hand between Holden's shoulder blades, sending him spilling over the railing on the platform. Holden plummets headfirst toward the piles of money, but instead of breaking his neck in the fall, he plunges into the piles as if they were made of liquid.
The Captain leans over, gripping the railing as he watches with glee. A few moments later, Holden surfaces, spitting a stream of gold in an arc.
Captain 80s: THAT'S THE SPIRIT, HOLDEN ORSON!!
Holden Orson: I have no idea how I did that.
The vault door swings open, and three ducklings pad into the vault.
Huey: Unca Holden!!
Holden Orson: Speechless stare.
Dewey: Unca Holden! We're going to be late for our Junior Woodchucks trip!!
Captain 80s: COME ON HOLDEN, YOU HAVE TO GET YOUR NEPHEWS TO THEIR JUNIOR WOODCHUCKS TRIP! GET OUT OF THERE!
Holden Orson: I have literally no response to this.
Louie: Captain 80s-pad! We saw your new plane outside, we thought Unca Holden wasn't going to buy another one after you crashed the last one!
Captain 80s: AHOY BOYS!! THE CAPTAIN WOULD NEVER CRASH THE MIGHTY FALCOR!! YOU AND YOUR UNCLE HAVE NOTHING TO WORRY ABOUT!!
All 3: Let's go Unca Holden!!
*****80s!!!*****
A boy in a red tee-shirt skateboards by Holden and Captain 80s as Holden looks down at his hands.
Holden Orson: I think I may have jaundice.
Captain 80s: HOLDEN THIS IS SPRINGFIELD!
Holden Orson: In what state?
Captain 80s answers the question but a truck drives by and muffles his answer.
Holden Orson: Huh. I would have never thought that.
Captain 80s: MMMM. DONUTS.
Captain 80s points at convenience store called “Kwik-E-Mart.”
Captain 80s: LET’S GET SOME DONUTS. OOOOOHHHHH THE CAPTAIN COULD GO FOR A SUGAR RUSH. YEAAAH!!!
Holden Orson: Scoff. I don’t think I should have sweets. I need to do something about this jaundice.
Captain 80s ignores the statement and starts walking towards the Kwik-E-Mart with Holden aimlessly following him, still fascinated with his yellow skin. They enter the door and Wrestley McWrestleface is standing behind the counter.
Wrestley: Hello guys! Welcome to Kwik-E-Mart!
Captain 80s: THE CAPTAIN DOESN’T THINK YOU’RE SUPPOSED TO BE HERE WRESTLEY McWRESTLEFACE.
Wrestley: Well… the UGWC network said this character was a little too racist….
Holden Orson: You don’t seem to have Jaundice. You look suddenly… brown.
Wrestley: Well Holden… I’m filling in for Apu.
Holden nods.
Holden Orson: Yeah, I’d say you look like a poo.
Captain 80s does a facepalm.
Captain 80s: D’OH!
Holden Orson: What?
Wrestley: That was pretty corny.
Holden snarls.
Wrestley: Hey man… don’t have a cow. Wait… why did I say that?
Captain 80s: MAYBE IT’S THE JAUNDICE.
Holden Orson: This has gone off the rails.
Captains does a large belch with his lips flapping while he does it. Holden and Wrestley look bewildered.
Holden Orson: What in Jan Wnęk’s chisel was that?
Captain 80s: THE JAUNDICE IS GOING TO KILL US IF WE DON’T GET OUT OF HERE. THIS TYPE OF THING DIDN’T HAPPEN IN THE 80s!
Wrestley: Actually, this show started in 1989! It’s technically an 80s show!
Captain 80s: 89 BARELY COUNTS, WRESTLEY MCWRESTLEFACE! LET’S GET OUT OF HERE HOLDEN!
*****80s!!!*****
The Captain and Holden stand on a table that looks as though it were built by someone standing ten or twelve feet in height. They're looking around a modest suburban home.
Holden Orson: Is this some sort of giant-world?
Captain 80s: THE CAPTAIN DOESN'T ALWAYS KNOW KNOW ALL THE DETAILS OF THE WORLDS HE VISITS, HOLDEN ORSON!!
Holden Orson: Look at the size of that kitten!
He points across the room, where a ridiculously cute grey tabby is batting his eyelashes at them.
Holden Orson: I think that kitten wants to eat us...
Captain 80s: I THINK THE CAPTAIN WANTS TO EAT THAT INSANE DISH OF LASAGNA!!
Holden doesn't hear this, because the tabby has begun to slink around the table leg and purr at an insane volume. The Captain, on the other hand, has used his mighty arms to lift a casserole dish easily four times his size up and tilt it so that pasta and cheese begins to spill over into his mouth. Somehow, he doesn't spill a drop.
Holden stares warily down at the tabby, trying to calculate in his mind the possibility that the gargantuan thing can leap up onto the table.
Holden Orson: Captain, we have to get out of here.
He's caught of guard, however, as the Captain suddenly sprints across the table and shoves Holden off to the floor!
As Holden sits up in shock, the tabby slinks over to him and stretches really slowly, before settling down on it's paws and giving a tiny mew.
Holden Orson: I hate cats.
*****80s!!!*****
Captain 80s: DAMN THE CAPTAIN IS PRETTY!
Holden Orson: What?
Holden peers at Captain 80s. He’s wearing a tight black t-shirt and his hair has morphed up into a pompadour. He can’t quite tell if this is Captain 80s or he’s doing a character.
Captain 80s: LISTEN HERE SONNY. WE NEED TO GO FIND SOME LADIES….
Holden Orson: Yeah… about that….
Captain 80s: LET’S GO TO THE BEACH!!! YEAAAAHHH!!! THOSE TEENY WEENY BIKINIS. OH MOMMA!!
Holden Orson: Where’s the beach?
Captain 80s flexes and points towards a direction.
Captain 80s: THE BEACH IS …. THAT WAY!!!
Holden and Captain walk to the beach. Captain 80s loses his mind everytime an attractive woman passes. A very fit woman in a small white bikini walks by and smiles at the pair.
Captain 80s: HEY BABY. ANYBODY EVER TELL YOU EL CAPITAN HAS BEAUTIFUL EYES?
The woman ignores him and keeps walking. Captain 80s starts searching around. A woman in a large sun hat and a revealing red two piece starts to stroll by.
Captain 80s: HEY BABY!! YOU LOOK PRETTY!! CAP QUATRE-VINGTS LOOKS PRETTY!! LET’S GO TO HIS HOUSE AND STARE AT EACH OTHER!!
The woman looks stunned. She looks over at Holden who shrugs.
Holden Orson: I don’t know what he’s trying to do here. He seems oblivious to how obnoxious he is. But I think that's his thing all the time.
After getting no response, Captain 80s runs up to a woman reading a book under the shade of an umbrella. Captain 80s lies facing her, propped up on his arm.
Captain 80s: HEY PRETTY MOMMA!! THE CAPTAIN LOST HIS PHONE NUMBER!! CAN HE BORROW YOURS?
The woman sneers at him.
Woman: Look buddy. Just because I’m at the beach doesn’t mean I want some grease-ball staring at me and hitting on me.
Holden Orson: Chuckle.
Woman: You’re being a sexist pig walking around here, getting in people’s personal space and trying to push yourself on them with those cheesy pick-up lines.
Captain 80s: NOW LISTEN HERE MISS!! JAKE PIPER AIN’T GOT NO TIME FOR YOU TO BE TALKING GREEK!! IT’S A BEAUTIFUL DAY TODAY!! NOT AS BEAUTIFUL AS THE KEYMASTER!!! OR YOU EVEN. BUT PRETTIER THAN HIM OVER THERE!!!
The woman storms off leaving Captain 80s laying by himself on the beach.
Holden Orson: This is atrocious. We should leave.
Captain 80s: HOLDEN ORSON, YOU’RE JUST MAD YOU DON’T GET TO BE THE PRETTY ONE.
Captain 80s starts bouncing his pecks.
Holden Orson: … I can’t even think of something to say to mock you right now. We’re leaving.
*****80s!!!*****
Holden Orson: Are we... are we tunneling through the Earth?
Captain 80s: YES, HOLDEN ORSON, AND IT'S TOTALLY RADICAL, DUDE!!!!
Holden Orson: Why are you talking like Vinnie Lane?
Vinnie Lane: Gimme a break....
Holden turns round in his seat to see Vinnie Lane and Forewell Boding in the back. Vinnie is wearing a red bandana around his eyes and has a pair of sais tucked into his waistband, and Forewell is wearing a blue one while a pair of swords are strapped to his back.
He reaches up to his face and notices that he's also wearing a bandana instead of his customary masquerade mask, and, reaching behind him, feels the length of a bo staff. Looking over at the Captain, he sees an orange bandana and a pair of nunchucks.
Holden Orson: Scoff.
Captain 80s: THOSE SEASONAL ALLERGIES AGAIN, DUDE!! ARE YOU SURE YOU DON'T NEED SOME TUBULAR SUDAFEDS??
Holden Orson: I was just noticing that I have the best weapon. I don't know how you managed to get your ship to pass through solid rock, but this may be the best world you've dragged me to yet.
Forewell: Not so fast, the Shredder isn't going to be happy that we comandeered a tunneler, and I'm certain he has all kinds of tracking devices in here. If I can just locate them, I'm sure I can disable them.
Captain 80s: PREPARE TO BREACH THE SURFACE, DUDES! COWABUNGAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!
The tunneler erupts from the ground, overturning and spilling Vinnie, Holden, Forewell, and the Captain out. As they stand up and dust themselves off, they realize that they are surrounded by hundreds of masked ninjas. Off to one side, an amorphous humanoid points at them, while a high pitched, garbled voice rings out over an intercom:
Krang: Get them! Avenge your master!!
Vinnie: Who takes orders from a ball of snot?
Forewell: Looks like these guys do!!
The four of them draw their weapons and the battle is on!!
*****80s!!!*****
Holden and Captain 80s find themselves in the back seat of bus. The bus seems… to be flying.
Holden Orson: Is this your airship? Are we finally going home?
Captain 80s: WHAT NO! THIS THE MAGIC SCHOOL BUS!
Holden Orson: Wait I thought we weren’t saying the name of the show directly….
Captain 80s: THAT MEANS THE FRIZZ….
A group of kids and a wildly dressed red headed teacher/also bus driver for some reason pile into the bus.
Ms Frizzle: Seatbelts, everyone!
Some nerdy looking kid: PLEASE let this be a normal field trip.
All (but Holden.. but including Captain 80s): WITH THE FRIZZ? NO WAY!
A brown hair child stares at Holden for a moment or two.
Brown Haired Girl: At my old school, we only wore masquerade masks while doing a play.
Holden Orson: Scoff. School. So mainstream.
Captain 80s: HOLDEN! WE’RE HERE TO LEARN! DON’T BE RUDE TO THE CHILDREN!
More children seem interested in the two grown men sitting in the back of their bus. A blonde haired girl with pigtails rubs her chin while studying Captain 80s.
Blonde Haired Girl: According to my research… no one over 18 should really be on a field trip unless you’re a chaperone. Are you someone’s parent?
Captain 80s: YOU COULD SAY CAP IS THE FATHER TO ALL HIS FIRST MATES (HASHTAG#0 OUT THERE!! ALL THE LITTLE JIMMYS WHO DRINK THEIR MILK!!! TO ALL THE LITTLE SUSIES WHO SAY THEIR PRAYERS EVERY NIGHT!! TO ALL THE JAMALS OUT THERE WHO TAKE THEIR VITIMANS AND EAT THEIR VEGETABLES!!
Blonde Haired Girl: So… like… are you Ralphie’s dad…
Ms Frizzle: Okay class! We’re going to the museum today! We’re going to learn some history!
The class cheers.
Captain 80s: CAP BETs WE’RE GOING TO TURN INTO A SHIP AND SAIL THE SEAS WITH CHRISTOPHER COLUMBUS!
Holden Orson: He was looking for India.
Captain 80s: OR WE’RE GOING TO EGYPT TO HELP BUILD THE PYRAMIDS!
Holden Orson: Slave Labor.
Captain 80s: OR MAYBE WE’LL HELP THE WRIGHT BROTHERS TAKE THEIR FIRST FLIGHT.
Holden Orson: They didn’t even go anywhere.
Captain 80s: MAYBE WE’LL HELP THEM TAKE DOWN THE BERLIN WALL!
Holden Orson: I like the art.
Ms Frizzle: Are you guys ready to take chances? Make Mistakes? Get Messy?
All but Holden cheer.
Holden Orson: That’s what she said.
Captain 80s: HOLDEN!
Ms Frizzle: We’re going to learn about a Polish Carver today! He carved religious statues…
Holden Orson: Eyes a flutter!
Ms Frizzle: He also constructed a glider and flew it in the 1860s…
Holden Orson: YOU COULDN’T MEAN…
Captain 80s: Oh this seems lame…
Holden Orson: JAN WNĘK? ARE WE GOING TO THE JAN WNĘK MUSEUM? ALL THE LITTLE HOLDENITES OUT THERE COULDN’T BE MORE PROUD!
Captain 80s: Dude… I think you’re overreacting.
Holden Orson: OH MY GOD! WE’RE GOING TO SEE STUFF FROM KACZÓWKA WHERE HE WAS BORN. OR SOME MORE RECONSTRUCTIONS OF HIS GLIDERS. OOOOOOOO YEAAAAHHHHHHH!
Captain: Huff.
Holden continues to scream innate facts about Jan Wnęk while Captain 80s looks on disinterested while the Magic School bus drives normally along the road to the museum.
