Chill #7 Results

[Lord Hastings]

You can hear the chattering of a large crowd, but no visuals. As a cold, blue spotlight clicks on over a blocky “U”, the opening strains of “Red Cold River” by Breaking Benjamin slowly tease the opening. A slow, CO2 mist curls out from around the letters as the fans start to get excited. Spotlights continue to flick on over subsequent letters, “G,” “W,” “C,” and when Ben Burnley screams “RUN” to usher in the song proper, the stage lights up with six-foot blue flames and the word “Chill” is emblazoned in black across the company letters. The fans hit their feet as pyros fly, and we’re taken to ringside to join our broadcast team of Aaron Reese, "The Drunken Buzzsaw" Chaos and Daniel Hanson.

Reese: Good evening ladies and gentlemen and welcome to the seventh episode of UGWC CHILL!! I’m your host Aaron Reese! To my left is the most colorful colorman in the business, UGWC legend and Hall of Fame member, “The Drunken Buzzsaw”, Chaos.

Chaos: Yo.

Reese: And from my right emanates the meandering ramblings of Daniel Hanson.

Hanson: We’re here at the Mohegan Sun Arena, here in Wilkes-Barre, Pennsylvania!

Reese: Last week was Lord of Trios, but now it’s time for Chill! Let’s get the action underway!

Reese: We are ready to get the action underway, here on Chill!

Hanson: Good, we don’t get paid by the minute, let’s move this along.

Chaos: You shouldn’t get paid at all.

As the music hits and strobe lights flash freneticall, The Captain arrives on the stage wearing a pink vinyl jacket that has been airbrushed with “80” in periwinkle and bedazzled, tassels hanging from the entire length of his arms. The jacket has remarkable shoulder pads which are covered by purple epaulets, and giant gold buttons line the front though he wears it opened. His facepaint takes on the shape of a comically large, brightly colored eyepatch over his right eye. He wears a headband under his severely teased blond hair, featuring a blue anchor over a red rising sun. On his right hand is a disco-ball-esque glove. His Zubaz tear-away pants feature blue stripes before they disappear into his white, calf-high, heeled boots. Halfway down the ramp, he produces a ludicrously long, telescoping, brass spyglass, and looks over the crowd. He affects a surprised look, then points into the stands, and invites a “First Mate” down to help him remove his extra attire. The female fan helps him remove his jacket, headband, and pants to reveal his bright yellow trunks, yellow tassels around his biceps, and yellow wrist tape.

Thompson: The following contest is set for one fall! Introducing first...the Keymaster of Gozer...CAPTAIN EIGHTIES!!!

Hanson: AHOY!

Thompson: And his opponent...from Gas, Kansan...weighing 16.5 stone...HOLDEN ORSON!!!!

Reese: Holden Orson was victorious in the main event of the first ever Chill event. He and his partners came up short in the finals of the Lord of Trios tournament last week, but he is back on Chill, we’ll see in a moment if that bodes well for him.

Hanson: We don’t talk about his performance at the second Chill event. That one didn’t happen.

DING DING!!

The Captain motions for Holden to wait, and he flexes and waves to the crowd, cupping his ears and encouraging the crowd to cheer louder. He turns his back to Holden entirely to repeat the routine with a different section of the crowd, and he has apparently had enough and knocks him down with a forearm to the back of the head.

Reese: Cheap attack there by Holden Orson, though you’d think the Captain would know better at this point.

Hanson: You can’t choose when to ride the Falcor, Aaron. The Falcor chooses you.

Chaos: That’s gotta be the dumbest shit I’ve ever heard.

Holden stomps away on the Captain, who looks horrified at what is happening, gasping and reaching out to the crowd in search of support. He rolls into the corner, and Orson charges in and delivers a knee to the face against the turnbuckle. The Captain crumples out of the corner, and Orson covers, only for the Captain to emphatically kick out at two. He sits up to his knees, and Orson slaps him in the face, but he just stares at him. Orson delivers a straight right hand, but the Captain shakes his head and begins shaking his arms. He shifts to one knee and starts to stand, but Orson takes him down into an armbar.

Reese: White!

Hanson: It’s like the Wafer Squeeze, but hipper.

Captain ‘80s cries out in pain, again looking around at the crowd for support, and he holds his head in agony with his free arm. He slaps the mat repeatedly, and the fans begin to clap along with him, the Captain now shaking his arms as Orson attempts to increase the pressure, he stretches and and reaches for the ropes, and he manages to grab hold of them! Holden Orson is forced to break the hold, he backs away for a moment as the Captain uses the ropes to pull himself up, he charges, but he backdrops her over the ropes to the outside! Captain ‘80s begin furiously shaking the ring ropes, and he begins to again play to the crowd, posing and encouraging cheers.

Reese: Captain ‘80s is feeding off the support of the fans!

Chaos: It’s utterly amazing how much the people love this fuckin’ guy, Aaron.

Orson slides back in, clubbing blow to the back of Captain ‘80s, but the Captain shrugs it off. Orson attempts The Façade, but the Captain elbows him away. He blocks a right hand and delivers one of his own, and now picks Holden up into an airplane spin.

Reese: You Spin Me Right Round!

Captain ‘80s adjusts his grip, and he plants Holden with a running powerslam. Captain ‘80s comes off the ropes, leaps into the air for a big leg drop.

Reese: And now the Captain’s Log!

Hanson: Holden rolls out of the way and to his feet!

Holden unleashes a flurry of Labokkatao close elbow strikes, leading up to a powerful uppercut.

Hanson: BLACK!

Chaos: And the hipster just knocked the ever-lovin’ shit out of The Captain!

Holden picks the Captain up off the mat and plants him again with the Jan Wnęk Driver. He covers and hooks the leg, and that gets the 1...2...3!

Thompson: Here is your winner, HOLDEN ORSON!!!

Reese: Holden Orson once again victorious on Chill, we’ll see if he can keep the momentum going when he competes in cooperative action next week on Synergy!

Chaos: Won’t be his first go-round in cooperative action. Assuming he keeps his head in it, he’ll be fine.

Hanson: But first we’re going to see a lot more action here on Chill! Don’t go anywhere!

[Lord Hastings]

Reese: Off to a good start here on Chill #7, and we continue with an Iron Man Match!

Yo, tell me what time it is now

Yeah, just kicking it up here

The Camera pans around so the entire arena is shown. The lights start to flash and "My Time" by The Chris Warren Band begins to play. The camera pans towards the tron. When the singer says "Yo, tell me what time it is now?" The fans yell out..

IT'S CHRIS MATTHEWS TIME!!!

That is when Chris Matthews comes out from behind the curtain. He looks at the fans who are yelling his name. He stops on the stage and holds his arms out and nods as the fans are going wild for this man. He then pounds his chest with his fist as he moves forward and hits the air. He starts to walk down the ramp as fans are already starting to hold their hands out. He stops on the ramp and looks around at the crowd and sees a few crowd signs with his name.

CHRIS "FUCKING" MATTHEWS!
FUTURE MRS. MATTHEWS!
THE THUNDER WILL REIGN DOWN ON YOU!
GIVE ME YOUR NUMBER CHRIS!
I'M PREGNANT WITH YOUR CHILD CHRIS MATTHEWS!

Chris continues to look around as he gets a smirk on his face. He then slaps a few of the fans hands and walks towards the steel steps. He begins to climb them and stops for a few seconds to take a look at them. He walks along the ringside and proceeded to climb the furthest corner and spreads his arm slowly to make sure the crowd take into him. He then proceeds to pound his chest again and slowly raised them up in the air. After a few seconds, he put his right foot on the top turnbuckle and jumps into the ring. He takes off his top and proceeds to wait for his opponent.

Thompson: The following contest is an IRON MAN MATCH. Introducing first...from Grand Rapids, Michigan...standing at 6 feet one inch tall...The Legend of Thunder, Chris Matthews!!!

Reese: There had been rumors that Matthews would not show up tonight for this match, but Matthews is here and ready to go.

Hanson: Well his appearance was contractually obligated once he agreed to the match.

Cold as Ice by M.O.P plays over the sound system as Konrad comes out through the curtain just wearing his blue and white mask with white hair along with his wrestling trousers with his nickname The Iceman on the front of them with Pit Bull Energy logos on the side of his trousers with black gloves on both of his hands with a side cross necklace on his neck.

Thompson: And his opponent...from Cologne, Germany...standing at six feet four inches...The Iceman, Konrad Raab!

He then high fives the fans as he goes up the stairs before going in-between the ropes and does a holdup on each turnbuckle and everyone cheers him as he gets down from the turnbuckle and does a few boxing punches to the cameras before he looks at his opponent waiting for the match to start.

Reese: Konrad Raab was successful last time on Chill, when he defeated Captain ‘80s in the Cage of Justice.

Hanson: We’ve got a case of Raab on the rise.

DING DING!!

Reese: This is a thirty-minute Iron Man Match, meaning the competitor that scores the most falls within the thirty minute period will be declared the winner.

Hanson: Matthews and Raab requested to have this match, there is quite a bit of history between them that the UGWC universe may not be fully aware of.

Reese: I’m sure you’ve exhaustively researched it and can catch us up to speed.

Hanson: No, but an intern did and he gave me his notes.

Reese: Do tell us, as Matthews and Raab begin to circle the ring, obviously you want to pace yourself in a lengthy match such as this one.

Hanson: Well, it all started when-

Reese: Raab just pinned Matthews with an inside cradle!

Chaos: Well that didn’t take too fuckin’ long, did it?

Reese: Raab wasting no time scoring a fall on Chris Matthews, who looks completely stunned as we are mere moments into this Iron Man Match, and he is already at a disadvantage!

Hanson: Didn’t even get through my story.

Chaos: No fuckin’ loss there.

Matthews tries to shake it off as he gets back to his feet, and they lock up and grapple for position. Matthews gets Raab into a side headlock, but Raab shoves him away, off the ropes into a shoulder tackle. Raab ducks under a clothesline, wraps Matthews up in a waistlock, and hits The Frozen Pin, bridging for the three!

Reese: Raab goes up 2-0!

Hanson: Konrad Raab is ready to go tonight!

Reese: Still plenty of time for Chris Matthews to get back in this match, as-

Reese: What is this?

Hanson: The Lord! The Lord is here!

Reese: Donovan Hastings is here! But why?

Hanson: Raab called him out last week after Lord of Trios!

Reese: We’re in the middle of an Iron Man Match!

Chaos: Call me crazy, but it doesn’t look like Hastings gives two shits about this match.

Hastings walks down the ramp towards the ring, followed by two burly men carrying a large box. Raab stares at him and demands to know what he is doing, but gets knocked down from behind by Matthews, who seems oblivious to what is going on. Hastings slides into the ring and delivers a hard poke to the eye.

Hanson: THE SUPER KICK!!!

Matthews stumbles, and Hastings grabs him and throws him through the ropes into the open box. The burly men immediately close the box, and Hastings rolls out and slaps a padlock on it before throwing the key into the stands. Hastings produces a microphone.

Hastings: I think we all know where that was going. Hey, NotMitchell, by the power vested in me by NobodyRespectsVinesAnyway, go ahead and put this one out of our misery.

Thompson: Um, here is your winner, Kon-

Hastings: Right, enough of that.

Raab is back on his feet in the ring, and is intensely demanding an explanation.

Hastings: Okay, I have no idea what your problem is in there. You just won an Iron Man Match in record time, you’re welcome for that. You obviously had this one under wraps, I significantly shortened your workload without cutting whatever we pay you. I have no idea what on earth you could possibly be upset about.

Reese: Konrad Raab is one of the most honorable competitors in UGWC history, he doesn’t want to win matches like this.

Hastings: So Owen told me about your challenge to me, Konny. Here’s the long and short of it: I’m a cooperative competitor now. I have nothing left to prove as an individual, and my sole focus at this time is ensuring that Kenzi Grey continues to make strides and reaches her full potential under my tutelage. That means your challenge? That’s going to be a negative. Let’s face it...the outcome was pretty inevitable anyway. You’re welcome for tonight, by the way.

Reese: Dismissive words by Donovan Hastings, can’t imagine that Konrad Raab can be too pleased about it.

Hanson: He was gifted a victory by the Lord! He needs to say “thank you” and pay respect!

Chaos: And here I thought Wallace was the biggest kiss-ass I’ve ever had the misfortune of being around...

Reese: Our main event is next!


Konrad Raab - 6.4

[Lord Hastings]

Reese: It’s been a blast here on Chill, it always is, but it’s time for tonight’s main event!

“Gimme Your Applause” by Lady Gaga, Britney Spears, Christina Aguilera begins to play as lightbulbs flash all through the arena. Kenzi Grey and her 'Life Model Decoy' Lenore walk out together with confident smiles for the fans.  An explosion of pyro erupts as they both strike a pose for the cameras.  The pair head down the aisle slapping the outstretched hands of the fans.  The duo stand together at ringside, then one of the two climbs onto the ring apron and pauses again for the flash of the cameras, as she kneels there with a smirk.  She climbs the turnpost and gives the fans one more photo opportunity as she sits atop the turnbuckle, still blowing kisses and posing for the fans.  She hops down, finally entering the ring as she readies herself for her opponent while the other 'Kenzi' patrols the ringside area.

Thompson: The following contest is a Stretcher Match! Introducing first...standing five feet two inches tall...she is one half of the UGWC Cooperative Champions and one of the new Lords of Trios...Kenzi Grey!

Reese: As you just heard Mark Thompson say, Kenzi Grey was part of the trios team that won the tournament last week at Lord of Trios. The career of Kenzi Grey is undoubtedly on the rise.

Chaos: A career that ‘Deathwish’ would undoubtedly love to put on the fuckin’ shelf, no doubt.

Thompson: And her opponent…

The first few seconds of "The Mob Rules" by Black Sabbath begins to play, and once “Whoooooahh, come onnn!” is heard, Hide Yamazaki bursts through the curtains, swinging his chains and forcing out a sadistic-sounding laugh.

Thompson: Led to the ring by his manager, 'The #1 Hit-Maker' Johnny Bonecrusher... from the Kabukicho District in Shinjuku, Tokyo, Japan... weighing in at 253 pounds... 'Deathwish' Hide Yamazaki!

Soon after, "The #1 Hit-Maker" Johnny Bonecrusher emerges as well, keeping a good distance away from the wild man. He slaps his hands together and clasps them together sinisterly as he basks in the chaotic energies of his client. The swinging of the chains continues as Yamazaki makes his way down the aisle, showing no regard as to whether he might strike a fan or not. Johnny then speeds on past, ducking under the chain "propellers" and stopping once he's at the top of the ring steps. Yamazaki throws his chains into the ring with reckless abandon, inciting the referee to shout at him, which accomplishes nothing. Johnny just smirks and shrugs coyly at the referee. He pries the ropes apart, and Yamazaki darts in between them, entering the ring a staggering way. Johnny then casually descends the steps and begins circling the ring.

DING DING!!

Grey ducks a clothesline and lays in some shots on Yamazaki, then charges him in the corner with two clotheslines. Yamazaki flees to the outside, where Grey finds him and rams him into the apron. Grey tries to suplex Yamazaki onto the stretcher, and she succeeds!

Reese: Kenzi Grey looking to finish this quickly, she already has Hide on the stretcher, she can win if she pushes it to the stage!

Hanson: She’s a busy woman with a lot to do, ain’t nobody got time for this to drag out.

Grey pushes the stretcher to the bottom of the ramp with Yamazaki on it, but Yamazaki kicks her away. Yamazaki spears her against the apron and rolls Grey back in, then drops an elbow on the back of her head. Yamazaki goes for a vertical suplex, but Grey blocks it and hits the kickout DDT. Grey goes for the One Hit Wonder, but Yamazaki sidesteps and gutwrenches her into a powerbomb!

Reese: Hide taking control, but a key part of Stretcher Match strategy is keeping your opponent incapacitated long enough to make it all the way to the stage.

Chaos: Yeah, but if Hide keeps dropping her on her dome, keepin’ her on the stretcher will get a helluva lot easier.

Grey rolls to the outside, and Yamazaki follows. She tries to get to her feet and fend him off with a kick, but Yamazaki catches the leg and counters into the Wheel of Fortune, with the momentum of the dragon screw sending Kenzi sprawling into the bottom of the ringpost.

Hanson: This is a good opportunity, get her on the stretcher!

Yamazaki gets the stretcher and puts Grey onto it before delivering several clubbing blows to the back. He rolls her right up to the line but Grey kicks out at him and comes off the stretcher with a clothesline. Yamazaki stumbles back down the ramp, meanwhile Grey climbs back on, and she rides the stretcher down the ramp and hits Yamazaki with another clothesline!

Reese: A high-paced assault by Kenzi Grey, using the stretcher as a weapon!

Hanson: Kenzi Grey is creative and has always been an innovator, and now that she has the added bonus of the Lord’s inspiration, there is no telling what she’ll come up with!

Chaos: For fucks sake… really, Hanson?

Grey hops off the stretcher, and she goes to whip Yamazaki into the steel steps, but Yamazaki pulls her back into a flapjack on the stretcher! Grey falls off the far side, and Yamazaki moves the stretcher out of the way, and he starts to pull Grey up, but Grey stands into the Breakout Performance! Grey steadies herself, and as Yamazaki stumbles up she connects with the One Hit Wonder, knocking him onto the stretcher!

Reese: A flurry of offense has Yamazaki incapacitated and laid out on the stretcher, Kenzi just has to get it to the stage!

Grey pushes the stretcher up the ramp, but as she approaches it, Johnny Bonecrusher grabs her by the leg!

Reese: What does Johnny Bonecrusher think he’s doing?!

Hanson: His job!

Grey shakes Bonecrusher off and kicks him away, but before she can turn back around Yamazaki comes off the stretcher and chops her in the back of the knee. She falters, and he plants her with a floatover DDT on the ramp. Bonecrusher hands Yamazaki his chain.

Reese: Hide wrapping the chain around Kenzi’s neck, and he yanks her off the mat and onto the stretcher!

Hanson: And now the man known as Deathwise is wrapping the chain around Kenzi’s entire body, he’s using it to tie her to the stretcher!

Chaos: Gotta admire his ingenuity.

Reese: The chain wrapped around both Kenzi and the stretcher, she’s got nowhere to go!

Grey attempts to struggle her way free, but she is trapped, as Yamazaki pushes the stretcher over the line onto the stage!

Thompson: Here is your winner…“Deathwish” Hide Yamazaki!!!

Reese: Hide gets the victory!

Hanson: Win any way you can, and give some credit to the fantastic managerial skills of Johnny Bonecrusher!

Reese: Wait a second...I think that’s Lenore!

Hanson: It might be.

Reese: The “Life Model Decoy” of Kenzi Grey, I have no idea when they made the switch, but I’m pretty sure that’s Lenore that is actually strapped to the stretcher!

Chaos: Fuckin’ proxies…

Hanson: The referee’s decision is final, Aaron!

Reese: That’s ridiculous. Two Chills in a row, these two have given us a fantastic show. It’s a shame the way that this one ended here tonight, but I can’t wait to see them go at it again in the future!

Hanson: Again, nothing wrong with people winning any way they can.

Reese: We’ll be back in a month on May 6 for Chill #8, and be sure to tune in next week for Synergy! Good night from Wilkes-Barre!



Hide Yamazaki - 6.99

Kenzi Grey - 6.89