Post by Lord Hastings on May 4, 2019 22:13:47 GMT -5
Near 500 pounds of Gargantuan Gamer aims his mass towards the camera as X-Bro 420 prepares to get something off of his massive chest. What’s even more striking than his thick lowhawk and the video game controller on his spandex one-piece (that’s so stretched out it resembles a piece of op-art), are the two bottles of Mountain Dew mounted on his back like a backpack; and the two straws that run past the top of his ears, curl around his eyes like a pair of glasses and end up in his mouth.
As he sucks, literally, the Gamer’s Nectar follows the trajectory, before being swallowed. X-Bro’s body convulses as he goes into sugar rush mode. He pumps his arms violently and screams into thin air.
“OOOWAAAAA!!!!”
He points at the camera.
“NOW LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING, PLAYERS! THE GARGANTUAN GAMER HAS INSERTED ANOTHER COIN AND HE’S READY TO TRAMPLE HIS WAY THROUGH THIS CHILL EPISODE LIKE I’M A BIG ASS DINOSAUR AND Y’ALL ARE CRASH BANDICOOT! SCAREDY ASS MARSUPIALS RUNNING FO’ THEY LIIIIIIIIIVES!!
I’M ABOUT TO MAKE YOUR LIFE MORE IMPOSSIBLE THAN A NO-DIE PLAYTHROUGH OF DARK SOULS, SO YOU BEST BOOT UP YOUR FAVORITE WALKING SIM AND GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE BEFORE I SLAP YOUR ASS WITH MY TRIGGER BUTTON!
BECAUSE YOU SEE KIDS, THIS AIN’T NO GAME OF MADDEN WHERE YOU CAN MAKE YOUR OWN CHARACTER AND GET A 7,000 YARD SEASON IN YOUR ROOKIE YEAR. THIS REAL LIFE, PLAYA, AND YOU IN MORE DANGER OF GETTING YOUR SOUL SUCKED OUT THAN ALDUIN WITH THE DRAGONBORN ON HIS SCALY ASS!”
He slurps up some more Mountain Dew, and his muscles seem to bulge instantaneously, as it’s his own ‘secret’ magic potion.
“WHEN I GOT MY MOUNTAIN DEW NOTHING CAN STOP ME! IT RECHARGES MY MANA TO ONE HUNDRED PERCENT! SO GET READY FOR SOME NINJUTSU BECAUSE YOU’RE GONNA GO UP IN FLAMES! THIS INTER-MUNICIPAL CHAMPIONSHIP IS GONNA BE MY SWEETEST *ACHIEVEMENT UNLOCKED* OF ALL TIME! AND EVEN THOUGH I HAVEN’T WRESTLED IN AGES, THIS HERE STURDY BODY IS LIKE AN OLD SNES CARTRIDGE! JUST BLOW AND IT’S GOOD TO GO!
NO MATTER WHO THEY THROW IN THERE WITH ME, I’LL MAKE THEM LOOK LIKE A BARGAIN BIN PURCHASE THAT STILL WASN’T WORTH THE MONEY! WHATEVER HAPPENS, AT THE END IT’S GONNA BE ME WHO’S VICTRIOUS, DEAD OR ALIVE! SO Y’ALL BETTER MAKE THE DREAM OF WINNING THIS TOURNAMENT YOUR FINAL FANTASY! PEEKATYOU? BOY I’M GONNA BE YOUR ONIX, SO PREPARE FOR A BIG BLACK DIAMOND-HARD SNAKE MAKING YOU WISH YOU’D NEVER LEFT VIRIDIAN FOREST! CAMDEN CARROT? I WOULDN’T WANNA GROW YOU EVEN IF YOU WERE THE FINAL TROPHY IN FARMING SIMULATOR! BUT BY THE LOOKS OF YOU, YOU’RE MORE OF A FARMVILLE REJECT! BARTHOLOMEW RAMSBOTTOM YOU CREEPY MOTHERFUCKER? YOU LOOK LIKE YOU JUMPED RIGHT OUTTA CATHERINE BUT JOKE’S ON YOU SON; CAN’T BE UNFAITHFUL IF YOU’RE AN INCEL – AND SINCE I’M A GAMER? I QUALIFY COMPLETELY! YOU AIN’T KILLING ME, BOY, BUT YOU REAL LIKELY TO END UP ON MY GRILL. DOS TEQUILA JR? YOU SOUND LIKE THE INFERIOR VERSION OF DOS MESCAL, BUT IT LOOKS LIKE EVEN EARTHWORM JIM COULDN’T STAND THE SIGHT OF YOU AND BOLTED. NOT TO WORRY, WHEN I’M THROUGH WITH YOU NOONE WILL HAVE TO LOOK AT YOU EVER AGAIN. BARRY HARRIS…?”
X-Bro took another sip of Mountain Dew, but the rattling noise indicated that the bottles were empty. Furious, he threw off his backpack and frantically looked around.
“WHERE IS MORE GAMING JUICE? THIS IS A CRYSIS! I WILL FIND MORE EVEN IF I HAVE TO RAID YOUR MOTHER’S TOMB! FIND IT OR PREPARE FOR THE FALLOUT!”
He started to run off-screen until he peeked back at the camera and pointed at it.
“Oh yeah, Barry Harris, you, errr… you suck!”
And as he fled in search of more magic potion to get his mana back (cutting promo’s is such draining work) we could hear his closing statement off-screen.
“I AM THE GOD OF WAR! I AM THE MASS EFFECT! I AM THE PHANTOM PAIN! I AM YOUR DOOOOOOOM! OOOOWAAAAA!”
And then? You guessed it. Fade to Ninja Gaiden Black.
As he sucks, literally, the Gamer’s Nectar follows the trajectory, before being swallowed. X-Bro’s body convulses as he goes into sugar rush mode. He pumps his arms violently and screams into thin air.
“OOOWAAAAA!!!!”
He points at the camera.
“NOW LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING, PLAYERS! THE GARGANTUAN GAMER HAS INSERTED ANOTHER COIN AND HE’S READY TO TRAMPLE HIS WAY THROUGH THIS CHILL EPISODE LIKE I’M A BIG ASS DINOSAUR AND Y’ALL ARE CRASH BANDICOOT! SCAREDY ASS MARSUPIALS RUNNING FO’ THEY LIIIIIIIIIVES!!
I’M ABOUT TO MAKE YOUR LIFE MORE IMPOSSIBLE THAN A NO-DIE PLAYTHROUGH OF DARK SOULS, SO YOU BEST BOOT UP YOUR FAVORITE WALKING SIM AND GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE BEFORE I SLAP YOUR ASS WITH MY TRIGGER BUTTON!
BECAUSE YOU SEE KIDS, THIS AIN’T NO GAME OF MADDEN WHERE YOU CAN MAKE YOUR OWN CHARACTER AND GET A 7,000 YARD SEASON IN YOUR ROOKIE YEAR. THIS REAL LIFE, PLAYA, AND YOU IN MORE DANGER OF GETTING YOUR SOUL SUCKED OUT THAN ALDUIN WITH THE DRAGONBORN ON HIS SCALY ASS!”
He slurps up some more Mountain Dew, and his muscles seem to bulge instantaneously, as it’s his own ‘secret’ magic potion.
“WHEN I GOT MY MOUNTAIN DEW NOTHING CAN STOP ME! IT RECHARGES MY MANA TO ONE HUNDRED PERCENT! SO GET READY FOR SOME NINJUTSU BECAUSE YOU’RE GONNA GO UP IN FLAMES! THIS INTER-MUNICIPAL CHAMPIONSHIP IS GONNA BE MY SWEETEST *ACHIEVEMENT UNLOCKED* OF ALL TIME! AND EVEN THOUGH I HAVEN’T WRESTLED IN AGES, THIS HERE STURDY BODY IS LIKE AN OLD SNES CARTRIDGE! JUST BLOW AND IT’S GOOD TO GO!
NO MATTER WHO THEY THROW IN THERE WITH ME, I’LL MAKE THEM LOOK LIKE A BARGAIN BIN PURCHASE THAT STILL WASN’T WORTH THE MONEY! WHATEVER HAPPENS, AT THE END IT’S GONNA BE ME WHO’S VICTRIOUS, DEAD OR ALIVE! SO Y’ALL BETTER MAKE THE DREAM OF WINNING THIS TOURNAMENT YOUR FINAL FANTASY! PEEKATYOU? BOY I’M GONNA BE YOUR ONIX, SO PREPARE FOR A BIG BLACK DIAMOND-HARD SNAKE MAKING YOU WISH YOU’D NEVER LEFT VIRIDIAN FOREST! CAMDEN CARROT? I WOULDN’T WANNA GROW YOU EVEN IF YOU WERE THE FINAL TROPHY IN FARMING SIMULATOR! BUT BY THE LOOKS OF YOU, YOU’RE MORE OF A FARMVILLE REJECT! BARTHOLOMEW RAMSBOTTOM YOU CREEPY MOTHERFUCKER? YOU LOOK LIKE YOU JUMPED RIGHT OUTTA CATHERINE BUT JOKE’S ON YOU SON; CAN’T BE UNFAITHFUL IF YOU’RE AN INCEL – AND SINCE I’M A GAMER? I QUALIFY COMPLETELY! YOU AIN’T KILLING ME, BOY, BUT YOU REAL LIKELY TO END UP ON MY GRILL. DOS TEQUILA JR? YOU SOUND LIKE THE INFERIOR VERSION OF DOS MESCAL, BUT IT LOOKS LIKE EVEN EARTHWORM JIM COULDN’T STAND THE SIGHT OF YOU AND BOLTED. NOT TO WORRY, WHEN I’M THROUGH WITH YOU NOONE WILL HAVE TO LOOK AT YOU EVER AGAIN. BARRY HARRIS…?”
X-Bro took another sip of Mountain Dew, but the rattling noise indicated that the bottles were empty. Furious, he threw off his backpack and frantically looked around.
“WHERE IS MORE GAMING JUICE? THIS IS A CRYSIS! I WILL FIND MORE EVEN IF I HAVE TO RAID YOUR MOTHER’S TOMB! FIND IT OR PREPARE FOR THE FALLOUT!”
He started to run off-screen until he peeked back at the camera and pointed at it.
“Oh yeah, Barry Harris, you, errr… you suck!”
And as he fled in search of more magic potion to get his mana back (cutting promo’s is such draining work) we could hear his closing statement off-screen.
“I AM THE GOD OF WAR! I AM THE MASS EFFECT! I AM THE PHANTOM PAIN! I AM YOUR DOOOOOOOM! OOOOWAAAAA!”
And then? You guessed it. Fade to Ninja Gaiden Black.
