Post by T-Robosaurus Rex on May 6, 2019 15:08:48 GMT -5
We open up on a shot of a heavily curtained off Indiana Farmers Coliseum, there can't be more than 200 fans in attendance, an air of befuddlement encompasses the crowd as they as they see the Supreme Jersey Wrestling banners hanging next to those of UGWC.
Reese: Welcome to a very...different...edition of UGWC Chill, LIVE from Indiana, we are playing host to the...superstars...of the newly rechristened Supreme Jersey Wrestling.
Hanson: Who's bright idea was that?
Chaos: I'm looking forward to it. We're going to see guys who are passionate about this business fighting it out to claim a prize that has a lot of history. The Inter-Municipal Championship.
Hanson: The Inter-Municipal Championship?
Chaos: Didn't you do any research before turning up to work?
Hanson: I'd hardly classify this as a proper job, regular episodes of Chill are beneath my talent, this...this is just insulting. I've called Horizon's main events with the likes of Alex Kiseragi, Randy Boolzian, Declan Prescott and Travis Roberts, and now I'm expected to call a bunch of amateurs fighting over a tin cup prize?
Chaos: The Inter-Municipal Championship has had well over 50 different holders, its legacy stretches back well over a decade, and is seen as a precursor to making it big on the Jersey Independent Circuit.
Hanson: You sound like that Bordeaux woman.
Chaos: What the hell are you talking about?
Hanson: Well she's always trying to make people think the UGWC Chaos Title is anything but the championship that no-one has ever given two craps about during it's entire existence.
Chaos: Excuse me?
Hanson: C'mon! Name one person of any significant stature who looked at that title as anything more than a dead weight around their neck?
Reese: Daniel, the man sitting next to you still holds the record for most days with the title, for a few more weeks at least.
Hanson: I asked you to name someone of significant stature...
Chaos: Motherfucker, what you trying to say?
Hanson: Face facts, Chadwick. You're sat here, in Indiana, with a handful of fans in attendance, about to call matches involving people who bag groceries in Walmart when they aren't wrestling. I think that tells you all you need to know about the esteem you're held in within the company.
Chaos: You're sat right next to me, what does that say about you?
Hanson: Pfft! Everyone in the back office hates me, probably cause Vinegar was always aware my talent far surpassed his, it's no surprise I'm buried out of sight. But they like you, yet here you are, swimming with the bottom feeders.
Chaos: Maybe they're just waiting for the day I reach down your throat and rip out that toxic snake you call a tongue.
Reese: Gentlemen, please, let's let the...professionals...do the fighting tonight.
A man in a suit walks down the ramp to no reaction. A few people sing along with the seminal Bon Jovi rock anthem, but little enthusiasm is shown to the stranger with the microphone, even when he raises it to his mouth.
Man: Hello everybody and welcome to Supreme Jersey Wrestling's debut presentation!
He pauses for a moment but it only takes a fraction of that for him to realise he isn't going to get a reaction from the crowd so he continues.
Man: My names Joe, just Joe, and I am SJW's acting Commissioner and Ring Announcer for tonight's show. As many of you may know Supreme Jersey Wrestling has been born from the embers of controversy and illegality, and tonight is the first step toward the redemption of professional wrestling in Jersey.
A little polite applause scattered throughout the crowd breaks out.
Joe: We would like to sincerely thank the Unified Global Wrestling Coalition for giving us this amazing platform to crown the new Inter-Municipal Champion and hopefully launch us toward better things.
More polite applause, but with no actual action going on many members of the audience have turned to their phones.
Joe: Tonights tournament will consist of three one on one qualifying matches between the best talent SJW has to offer, the winner will then compete in a triple threat Ladder Match to crown the new champion. So let's get on with the show:
Joe: Introducing first...DOS TEQUILA JNR!!!
Reese: I actually recall Dos Tequila Snr, he was a big deal in the North Eastern territories back in the eighties when it was much rarer to see lucha libre or Mexicans plying their trade.
Hanson: You expect me to believe that tubby fucker with the bad fake tan is Mexican?
Reese: His father was, his mother may well have been North-American.
Hanson: I call bullshit, that's most likely some dude named Mike whose only other option in life is to take up bungee jumping from the Brooklyn bridge without a rope.
Chaos: Chico there was the former Inter-Municipal Champion, he lost it to one of the members of the roster that are now being sought for questioning by the authorities.
Hanson: Are we safe here? I mean, we're not going to be implicated in some criminal conspiracy are we?
Reese: I highly doubt that, Daniel.
Hanson: But you can't be certain, right? Admit it, Reesey Boy, you're looking at these nobodies and this joke of a promotion and wondering what on earth positive could come out of this escapade, aren't you?
Reese: I am sure these fine athletes are going to do their very best to entertain us, but I can't pretend not be concerned by the cloud of illegality that hangs over the promotion. It does seem it's former incarnation was better at committing horrific crimes than it was at putting on a wrestling show.
Hanson: And look at that Tequila guy, he's cold, you'd think he'd be used to being topless, but he's shivering and rubbing his arms to keep the warmth.
Chaos: It's a far bigger venue than he's probably ever wrestled in, maybe there's a draft.
Hanson: Fucking amateurs.
Joe: And introducing his opponent....PEEKATYOU!!!
Hanson: What...the....fuck?
Reese: This is Peekatyou he's a fan favourite and he's...well...he's an overweight man...dressed as a Pokemon.
Chaos: This is good old fashioned family entertainment. The sort of thing you can watch with a few beers and the kids.
Hanson: Thank you for that fantastic insight into trailer park culture. No wonder living in one comes with a reputation if you willingly expose minors to this kind of horror. Did he have to use such tight spandex?
Chaos: Will you show some goddamn respect? These guys may not be of the same calibre as what we're used to in UGWC, but I guarantee every damn one of them could send your pussy ass to the ER quicker than I can down a bottle, and you know how quickly I can do that.
Hanson: I'd like to see them try.
Chaos: So would I.
Reese: Gentlemen, the match is about to get underway.
DING!
Reese: Dos Tequila Jnr sprints at Peekatyou but his foes drops to the floor, hopping over him the masked man rebounds into the ropes and comes back, only for his brightly colored opponent to leap frog him...
Hanson: that was barely a leap frog, he kinda just dragged his crotch over the guys head...
Reese: The Luchador hits the ropes once more and comes back towards Peekatyou, who sidesteps and sends him towards the ropes once more, but before he reaches them Dos Tequila Junior falls to a knee and takes heavy breaths.
Hanson: He's gassed already?
Chaos: The rings on the Independent Circuit are generally a lot smaller than ours, it enables them to put shows on in more varied venues...
Hanson: You mean they can wrestle in peoples front rooms because that's the only way they can guarantee a sell out?
Chaos: I mean it's not rare for someone to misjudge the tempo they should be wrestling at when they first step foot in a much larger UGWC ring.
Reese: Peekatyou takes advantage of his opponents lack of cardio and slams a boot into the back of his head, causing him to fall into the corner face first. He knocks his head on the middle turn buckle and lands in a seated position.
Hanson: The Furry just got excited and ran to the opposite corner. Is he going to do something indecent?
Chaos: No you dimwit...it's an opening for his finisher...
Reese: Peekatyou indeed turns and sprints as fast as his portly frame will allow and launches a corner cannonball...
Chaos: The Floaty Fall!
Reese: But Dos Tequila manages to just about move himself out of the way, despite still being very out of breath.
Hanson: Biggest night of this guys career, the most exposure he'll ever have, and he can't even turn up in shape. Is it any wonder no-one has ever heard of this Shitty Jersey Wrestling before?
Chaos: A few weeks ago these guys didn't think they had jobs anymore! What the fuck did you do when GIW closed and UGWC told you they no longer needed your services? You keep practising how to be a cunt even when no-one was paying you to be one? What am I saying? You don't need to practice that shit.
Reese: Dos Tequila Jnr has gotten to his feet while Peekatyou is writhing on the floor in agony after he failed to connect with whatever Chaos called his attempted corner cannonball. The Luchaor now lays the boots in to his opponent who rolls to the middle of the ring to escape, but Dos Tequila turns, leaps onto the middle rope and hits a springboard moonsault...
Hanson: 'Hits' and 'moonsault' is stretching it a bit, in fact that entire sentence is dubious. Between underestimating the distance he'd have to cover, and slipping on the middle rope as he launches himself backwards, the tips of his toes did manage to connect with the thing in the yellow gimp mask as he face planted onto the canvas.
Reese: Regardless of the flawed execution it is Tequila that gets to his feet first and sees his opponent is still down, so he drops to his belly and...flops(?)... towards him, before bringing down a chop over the throat and then collapsing onto his own back to catch his breath.
Hanson: The way those two look, and the way I feel, you'd think this match had been going on for 4 hours, not four minutes.
Chaos: That's because this is as real as it gets! The men and women who make it to the top in UGWC are the very best of the best, even those who barely make one or two appearances have such exceptional physical abilities they make the enar impossible look easy. These guys are showing you just how tough this industry is, and the likes of you, Dan, would be crippled in less than a minuite.
Hanson: That's a romantic way of looking at it, but here in the real world where we're not intoxicated before breakfast this is clearly garbage.
Reese: Tequila looks to be gaining confidence as he attempts a clumsy kip up and then jumps onto the top rope...he points two fingers down at his opponent before leaping into the air and corkscrews in the air...
Chaos: CHECK THAT OUT!
Hanson: He missed.
Chaos: because his opponent rolled out of the way, but the execution on that was picture perfect, and you just got through calling these guys garbage.
Hanson: Even if the yellow blob hadn't rolled out of the way I'm pretty sure he'd have still missed by about a foot.
Chaos: I'd like to see you leap in the air and twist and turn like that...
Hanson: And I'd like to see you sober, but neither of us are paid to do those things, whereas that guy is.
Chaos: he's not exactly on UGWC money, Dan, cut him a break.
Hanson: If he's being paid any more than a can of Mountain Dew he's a conman.
Reese: Peekatyou has made it to his feet and has dragged his opponent into the corner and is unloading on him with rights and lefts, before whipping him into the far corner, and then following him in and crushing him causing Tequila to slump down.
Hanson: The Freak is excited again.
Reese: He goes for his finisher again...
Chaos: FLOATY FALL!
Reese: And hits it, rolling over for the cover...
1....
2...
Reese: No the Luchador gets his foot on the rope...
Chaos: Peekatyou can't believe it he stands and looks at the ref in astonishment.
Hanson: I assumed that was gas.
Reese: Tequila rolls him up from behind...
1....
2....
Chaos: HIS FEET ARE STILL ON THE ROPES!!!
3!!!
Reese: The referee did not spot that Dos Tequila Jnr's feet were indeed on the ropes, and he calls for the bell.
Hanson: We've seen the calibre of the wrestlers, we should just be happy the referee can count as high as three, expecting anything more is just foolish.
Joe: Here is your winner and advancing to the final....DOS TEQUILA JNR!!!
Reese: Well...that was...something, I wonder what we have in store for us next?
Chaos: More earthy, real and grounded action I'm sure.
Hanson: Why don't idiots call in bomb threats when you really need it?
Peekatyou: 6.50
2020
