Post by The Circle Television Network on Jun 8, 2019 16:11:25 GMT -5
PROLOGUE
The Massive Melee had come to Barcelona, Spain and I would have been in great spirits had I not been stitched together like an old Raggedy Ann doll following my lost to Ava Quinn…now calling herself LACKLAN, as if that wouldn’t piss me off even more! Anyway, I used the Ace in the hole that Ichabod gave to me and I sent my newest Life Model Decoy to wrestle in my place. Bobbi London made a very good accounting of herself, right up until she got hit in the head with that steel chair…
…I didn’t do it…that was all that cheating ass Zane Scott...
Anyway, UGWC has a new number one contender to Angie’s World Title, and I’ll be damned if it isn’t Ava FUCKING Quinn! I guess there’s no need in me being angry…she earned her place and she earned her shot at the title. I already blew my chances against both of them, so as far as I was concerned, there was nothing left for me to do but to wait for another opportunity to come my way. However, in the meantime…there was the matter of Chill and me facing the challenge of a one-time friend. Brittany Williams got a bug up her ass because I posted a gif, having a little fun that had NOTHING to do with her...
Let it never be said that I'd ever pass up a chance to really annoy the hell out of someone who decided that they wanted to make screwing with me a full-time hobby! The first gif had nothing to do with her, but the next one...well...that had was a whole new ball of wax right there. What's the next best thing to punching someone in the face inside a wrestling ring? Punching them in the face in the CTN Circle Arcade video game!
Of course, that’s probably exactly it. She’s not mad at me because I posted some gifs…she’s mad at me because of some other reason, but a gif of me jacking her jaw was just the straw that broke the camel’s back...or in this case, the pick that pulled out all the naps! The old me would have spent hours and hours chasing her down and doing my best to smooth things over and figure out what went wrong, but the new me? Nah, I aint got time for this dumb bullshit! If she wants to call me out…if she wants to challenge me to a match on Chill, then we will have it out, once and for all!
I’m going to hurt her, just so she knows not to screw with me again. I am going to make sure that she bleeds and she sees me smiling as I do it! I’m going to make her see that whatever friendship she thought we had, is dead and gone. After I climb that ladder and grab that pick, I'm not going to just pluck out her nasty ass scalp, I'm going to pluck her completely out of my goddamn life!
The Barcelona sun beamed down on me and it felt like I was a lone ant underneath the burning glare of a magnifying glass. The beach was magnificent but it was hotter than the dickens on the sand. The umbrella over my lounge chair gave me very little relief from the heat. I watched as other’s splashed around in the water to stay cool, but there was no way in hell that I was going to jump out there and get my hair wet. The next thing you knew, I’d be looking like Brittany Williams with my fucking hair all over the damn place! No...HELL NO! I needed some other way to cool off…anyway at all!
I spotted a young boy selling cold drinks on the beach and I waved him over. I dug in my bag and pulled out some change, but as I handed it to him, he just stood there staring at me. The language barrier would have been a problem if he hadn’t pulled out a newspaper and frantically pointed at it…
I stared at the El Periódico de Catalunya like a monkey doing a math problem. I couldn’t read a lick of Spanish, but over the last few days in Barcelona I had learned how to order a hamburger; “Dame una hamburguesa con queso!” And probably, even more importantly…where was the nearest bathroom; “Necesito tomar una gran mierda!” Aside from that, I was clueless! Still, it was very cool to find myself on the front page of a local paper, especially since the last time that happened was in China…and I couldn’t read that one either!
“Hola amado!”
I sat up as my wife walked over, every inch of skin covered from head to toe to protect her lily white skin from the sun. A large floppy hat covered her head and her face was slathered in what had to be industrial grade sunblock. She sat down on her lounge chair and peered over at the paper in my hands, lowering the massive black shades that hid her delicate red eyes.
“What’s that you’re reading?”
I handed her the newspaper and she squinted as she tried to read without her glasses.
“Beloved, is that you? THAT IS YOU!”
The excitement in her voice gave me sense of pride that I hadn’t felt since losing my match against Aveline. Since that moment, I relished having anything at all to hang my hat on.
“Yeah Baby…yes it is!”
But before I could say anything further, she scanned the rest of the page, then handed it back to me with an eager look, well…I assumed it was since I could only see about 15% of her face.
“READ IT TO ME BELOVED!”
My first instinct, was of course, to tell her that I couldn’t read Spanish. However, that wasn’t what I blurted out.
“It’s nothing really…”
“NOTHING! I love that you are being humble, but THIS is special! This is something that should be celebrated! Please…read it to me Beloved!”
I couldn’t just tell her that I couldn’t read Spanish, though that is exactly what I should have done. But that just seemed like yet another failure on my part in a long list of them lately. I’d lost my chance to be World Champion, I had lost in my bid to keep my married name…and there was no telling what I’d lose next. Sarah was on a hot streak in XWF and I was floundering after getting off to a hot start in UGWC…this just seemed like one more failure to add to my growing list.
Instead of doing the right thing, telling the truth, I cleared my throat and looked at the paper. The words all seemed to jumble together, but I did my best to sound them out as I flipped to the main article.
“UGWC trae la…emo-emocio…”
“Beloved…could you just read it in English please?”
“…oh…yeah…”
I didn’t know why it hadn’t occurred to me in the first place. I didn’t have to read what they wrote…even though there was no way in hell that I could, I could just look at the pictures and take an educated guess! That was more than fair. Besides, what did Sarah know? Even if she could read Spanish, she was blind as a bat.
I folded back the pages with the entire story on The Massive Melee, with only the pictures to guide me as I read it to my eager and attentive wife…
“The stars of the Unified Global Wrestling Coalition came to Barcelona on Monday, gracing the fans with their presence! None, of course, shined brighter than its biggest star; famed film actress and multi-sport athlete, Kenzi Grey!”
“Lacklan Beloved…you’re name is Lacklan.”
“The show opened up with a segment featuring Kenzi Gre…”
“LACKLAN!”
“…The show opened up with a segment featuring Kenzi, the undisputed leader of the #CoolKids, her trusty subordinates, Roxy Cotton and Angie Vaughn, as well as her super-hot wife, the Queen of the XWF and reigning Federweight Champion, Sarah Selena Lacklan. Sarah regaled the group with a TOTES fascinating tale of age discrimination, American economics, and the rigors of celebrity. Anyone watching the scene could totally tell that Roxy and Angie were both relieved that they didn’t have to face Kenzi tonight, seeing as how she was coming off a totes fluke loss to Aveline Quinn…”
“…Lacklan…I guess…”
“…and Kenzi would probably just destroy anyone who dared to get into the ring with her tonight. It had gone without saying between them that by the time Chill #9 rolled around, whomever she was pitted against…”
“That human trash bin, Brittany Williams!”
“…yes…her, she would be in SERIOUS TROUBLE!”
“I like this writer Beloved, they seem to be very connected to the inner workings of the wrestling industry!”
“I know, RIGHT? The first match of the night featured the yellow bellied coward that cost Kenzi her match against Aveline when he interfered by forcing ‘The Lord of Pain’ Donovan Hastings…”
::coughcoughlordofbullshithackwheezebetternottouchminescoughcough::
“…to leave the ringside area, where he was TOTES allowed to be! Raab, the consummate villain in this conflict, charged after Donovan and was made to look foolish as he fell victim to a devastating drop toe hold, that pretty much ended the match, then and there! The fans would not have to be subjected to a four-hour tussle on the mat, nor would they have to dodge any projectile vomit in this one. Some other stuff happened, but it was clear that Kenzi’s Cooperative Title partner was far too much for Raab and the match was over before it began. Fans were treated to ‘Inevitability’ as ‘The Lord of Pain’ made his dispatch of Raaaaaaaaaaaab look like child’s play, likely ending his career…we hope.”
“Wow! This person really has it in for poor Raaaaaaaaab. That’s totes craxy!”
“Next up was the Cross-Semicircle Title match that would see the unstoppable UGWC World Champion…that greedy bitch Angie Vaughn…”
“HOORAY!”
“…challenging the woman who only considers Angie as her BFF, Roxy Cotton!”
“…Roxanne Beloved, Roxanne…”
“Roxy attempted to save Angie from her greedy nature by exiting the ring to give her time to reconsider, but Angie suckered Roxy back into the ring and attacked her like a crazed house cat! It was at this exact moment that everyone in the arena was positive that Roxy regretted shitting all over her friendship with her TRUE best friend, Kenzi.
“So opinionated Beloved! Who is this writer?”
“This match was an instant classic, right behind all of the matches that Kenzi has competed in since the start of 2019 in UGWC! Roxy fought valiantly and fairly in an attempt to retain the championship she had liberated from Dave Rydell’s goat farm several weeks prior. The end finally came when Angie finally realized her GREED was tearing apart the #CoolKids and she reluctantly put aside her ridiculously large ego and submitted to Roxy!”
“…Roxanne beloved! We will have to send this writer a strongly worded letter, via digital pigeon! Too many errors concerning that last match.”
“Really? Seemed fine to me. N-E-WAY…this match ended the same way the upcoming Chill match between Kenzi and Brittany was destined to end, with Kenzi beating that jelly-bellied scarecrow within an inch of her life on Chill! Hopefully she would also learn her lesson about being a selfish bitch!”
“She’s a mumbled mouthed idiot, I doubt she’ll learn anything at all.”
“Then came the match you were all waiting for, the main event featuring Kenzi! The participant that drew #1 was actually a giant 0! Kate Steele came out first and appeared to be confused about even being booked for this event. She was joined in the ring by Roxy Cotton’s wet dream, Captain 80’s! The Captain toyed with her until Alan Wallace entered the match and appropriately SQUASHED her, getting her out of the ring so others who actually wanted to be there could compete!”
“Someone is a little testy.”
“It’s almost as if the writer felt a bit slighted by the thought of someone coming into the company and spouting off about new beginnings with old friends, then doing the same dumb shit she was warned about before even stepping foot in the Coalition!”
“Well, hopefully she learned her lesson. Bitch better not even THINK of trying to kiss MINES again!”
“The former World Champion cleared the ring as he also made short work of Captain 80’s, dumping him over the top so he could head to the back and join Roxy’s Title Defense celebration! No doubt, the champagne would be flowing!”
“Yes, I’m sure MANY fluids would be flowing Beloved.”
“Alan continued his dominance as he encouraged Natural Born Killer to eliminate himself with naught but a candy bar! Unfortunately, ‘The Vain’ One’ would have stiffer competition ahead as ‘The Embodiment of Fear’ Phrixus Deimos was next. The cage lowered as the two battled and a massive ‘BAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH’ was heard as Dave ‘The Goatfaced Boy’ Rydell was supposed to join the match, but he failed to appear. He had probably become enamored with someone’s mother backstage!”
“Yes, David does enjoy a good GILF!”
“Ew! Anyway, El Flippy McFuckStain DickFace came to the ring next!”
“I feel like you didn’t even try to read that name correctly.”
“I read it verbatim Baby. N-E-WAY! Alan and Deimos should have gotten rid of that masked buffoon, but they turned on one another before they could properly ensure his elimination. That led to Scott Zane coming down next, no doubt looking to win The Melee and then vacate the World Title opportunity to show everyone on UGWC that he means business! X-Bro 420 came in at number 9, but Scott made him vacate the match…because that is just his thing!”
“I’m sensing a bit of creative license here.”
“The darling of the Piercing Media Network came out next as the ring was starting to get very full! The action came fast and furious as the Barcelona fans made it clear that they really wanted to see one real star…and they wouldn’t have to wait long before I…errrr, I mean Kenzi came down to the ring and got the loudest ovation of the entire night! It was obvious to anyone watching that the star of the show had come to assert her dominance!”
“HOORAY!”
“Kenzi, showcasing her vast experience and superior wrestling acumen, surveyed the battlefield like a true ring general and picked her spot carefully. This would no doubt be a preview to her match on Chill where she was guaranteed to dissect Brittany Williams like a bushy haired frog in formaldehyde in science class! The buzzer sounded and Boss Penguin was next to enter the match, setting its eyes on the equally fresh Kenzi! A titanic struggle took place between the pair, but Kenzi would find a way to assert her dominance, eliminating Boss Penguin, just ahead of the next entrant!”
“AMAZING BELOVED!”
“Next up was Aveline FUCKING Quinn!”
“STEP MUMSIE!”
“Quinn…”
“LACKLAN Beloved. She has taken up the family name now.”
“…lacklan…wisely avoided Kenzi, knowing she could never beat her a second time, so she opted to not even try!”
“I wise decision, I’m sure.”
“Instead, she avoided certain elimination and stayed clear of the Coalition’s top star as she went to work on Phrixus and Zane, hitting the two of them with a massive double chokeslam!”
“Errrr…Beloved?”
“Humm?”
“You chokeslammed two men?”
“At the same time, yes.”
“Are you on DRIVE Beloved? Please tell me you’re not doing that!”
“No! But I have been using all-new Max Assist! The world’s first and only protein suppository! It’s safe and effective, giving you the edge you need to keep the competition behind you! It has everything you need to take your performance to the MAX!”
“Next up was Hide Yamazaki, but Johnny Bonecrusher called an audible and substituted Lance ‘Tumbleweed’ Kidd. The cowboy had the other match competitors on their heels, but Kenzi made quick work of Lance…ALL BY HERSELF with zero help from Scott Zane!”
“…someone is salty…”
“Hide entered the match and found himself immediately tossed out by Travis before he could even get a proper start. The fans were disappointed, but their spirits were immediately lifted when Kenzi’s Cooperative partner, Donovan Hastings entered the match!”
::coughcoughbetternottouchmysweetbootywheezecoughcough::
“Kenzi stuck the killing blow against Phrixus and her lame mother-in-law selfishly competed what was supposed to be a sure elimination by UGWC’s top star…the greedy fucking bitch!”
“Rude!”
“In a dastardly turn of events, Donovan joined with Aveline to attack Kenzi, bringing into question how the champions would be able to work together after this betrayal!”
“This would never happen between us in XWF Beloved.”
“Yeah…well, the buzzer sounded and Holden Orson was next! Kenzi managed to fend off the assault from her family member and her Cooperative partner, keeping her focus despite the intimate betrayal! To the delight of the Barcelona fans, their favorite heroine turned tragedy into triumph as she managed to put away Holden on one side while the turncoat Donovan was taken out by Scott, just like Glass Joe in ‘Mike Tyson’s Punch Out!’ It served him right for turning on Kenzi!”
“He was NEVER to be trusted Beloved!”
“The former World Champion, seemed to be in trouble for a moment, but taking a page out of Kenzi’s extensive playbook, Alan managed to reverse an elimination attempt by Travis and send the man flying of the ring with a sloppy version of Kenzi’s ‘Breakout Performance’ just as the buzzer sounded and two more fresh competitors entered the match…Jet Somers and Paul ‘Crusher’ Harris! Paul made his presence felt as he went right after the odds on favorite, confronting Kenzi. The two engaged in an EPIC struggle before Kenzi, ever the amazeballz tactician, managed to turn the tables on Paul and eliminate him, to the massive cheer from the fans!”
“Amazeballz, huh?”
“TOTES! Jet looked to take advantage of a distracted Kenzi, leaping at her with the ‘Jetstream’ but Kenzi caught him in mid air and tossed him over the top rope like a sack of potatoes!”
“Max Assist?”
“Specially formulated to give you the edge you need through it’s patent pending rectal delivery system!”
“…gross…”
“Next up was Chauncey the Bard, coming in fresh and looking to put the hurt on the battle-weary competitors! No…I’m just joking, he was looking any way he could find out of the match and Alan gave it to him in the form of a massive boot to the ass! The buzzer sounded and the fans were treated to an epic return…one of the biggest surprises of the night…it was amazing…IT WAS ASTOUNDING!”
“Who was it? WHO BELOVED? WHO?!”
“…TRAVIS ROBERTS!!!”
“…”
“…but Step Mumsie sent him right back outside before his music even stopped playing. …the bitch…”
“…oh…my…”
“While the masses were in shock over this turn of events, Kenzi lifted Alan Wallace high overhead and threw his big sexy body out and down to the floor.”
“You lifted his…wait…WAIT! Who said he had a sexy body?!”
“The newspaper person…OBVS! Not me! I hate men with big sexy bodies!”
“…damn well better…”
“The entire arena was on it’s feet, cheering for the sure winner, me…Kenzi…OBVS! No one had been able to eliminate the crafty and elusive FuckFace McWrestleStain and the rest had all but given up, until Kenzi managed to send him hurdling over the top rope with a Samoan-American drop! It seemed that he would somehow survive that as well, as he landed on the guardrail, but it was not to be after he lost his balance.”
“He just fell down? Just like that, huh?”
“Yes…it was a record number of eliminations by Kenzi, who was spent from the battle, but still had enough energy to acknowledge the adulation of the crowd as they all stood and applauded her Herculean effort…only to have that cheating asshole Scott Zane hit her with a steel chair and send her out of the ring, to the dismay of the fans!”
“THAT SON-OF-A-BITCH!”
“The fans, heartbroken and left largely in tears, began to file out of the arena as the show came to an end…”
“Errrr…Beloved? There were still two people left in the Melee. Who won? Was it Scott Zane or LACKLAN?”
“Unfortunately, the story ended there Baby. After Barcelona’s favorite daughter was CHEATED out of her rightful victory, the fans just walked out and no one saw the finish.”
“Riiiiiiiiight.”
I folded up the newspaper and dropped in on the hot sand and leaned back on my chair, settling in.
“It doesn’t matter who won the Melee because all of Barcelona came out to see ME anyway! If they are lucky, maybe someone will announce the winner at Chill, right before I fight that two-faced skank Brittany Williams! I’m going to make history on Monday night, just like I did last Monday when I had the most eliminations of the entire Melee! I am going to snatch B-Brat by that tangled bird’s nest that she calls hair and I am going to bounce her fucking head off of each and ever rung of that ladder! If she thinks that she can just waltz into UGWC…and Chill in particular, the place where I am un-fucking-defeated…”
“Didn’t you lose to Hide last show?”
I rolled my eyes at this.
“NO! That was Lenore! I have NEVER lost on Chill, and I will not lose on Monday night either! I am sick and tired of all the double talk from her! One minute she wants to be my best friend and she’s asking me to put her in films with me, the next moment she is attacking me and making plans to put me out of the business! Well, she can take all of that and stick it right up her ass!”
“Like the concentrated dose of proteins and human growth hormones you get from Max Assist, available exclusively on CTN ShopZone.com?”
“Yaaaaaasssssss!”
Sarah shook her head beneath her big floppy hat and sighed. Well, I certainly hope this is the last we see of her and her irritating mother! I think we have quite enough of those floating around UGWC as it is!”
On that, the two of us could certainly agree! I still had it in for Avaline Quinn and now that she had a title opportunity against Angie for her World Title, that meant she was going nowhere, anytime soon. I would have to put up with her annoying presence and witness her try to do what I was unable to…unseat Angie as the apex of the Coalition. But…all of that would have to wait…this week was all about silencing a loud mouth from my past.
Brittany might have gotten a bug up her ass leading her to foolishly make this challenge, but it had only served to piss me off now! I didn’t know if Brit was expecting me to come to Chill and take pity on her like I did in Queen City Pro when I laid down in the middle of the ring and let her pin me so she could move on with her career, but that wasn’t going to happen on Chill. In fact, I had every intention of making sure that she didn’t walk out of that arena at all!
If nothing else, my generosity had been taken advantage of back then. I had allowed my feelings for a ‘so-called’ friend to cloud my judgment. Instead of me showing her compassion, I should have showed her that being a stupid ass bitch got your fucking wig split! So…maybe this match, as stupid as it was, was a blessing for me. Maybe this match was my opportunity to right the wrong that I had committed when I didn’t stomp her out last June when I had the chance.
Much like the newspaper I had just ‘read’ much of what I tried to teach her by laying down for her last year was misconstrued. That was a mistake and it was a mistake that I wouldn’t make a second time. Brittany Williams was going to understand every word that I spoke…she was going to feel them. On Monday night, nothing was going to be lost in translation when I broke her in half and left her laying at my feet in a pool of her own blood!
