Post by wwjbcd on Aug 13, 2019 21:50:36 GMT -5
"I can do this."
This is a pep talk...
"It won't be like last time."
...Being given by...
"Don't worry about it."
...Chill interviewer Chris Collins...
"You're a consummate professional."
...To himself, as he stands before a door...
"You're not going to ask any stupid questions."
...On the property of GuestHouse Inn and Suites in Pico Rivera, California. Chris nervously chuckles.
"I mean, of course, there's no such thing as a stupid question."
Chris turns around to check his breath, adjust his tie, brush off any lint on his jacket, etc. etc.
"All right, you'll be all right, it'll be all right."
Unbeknownst to him, the faint sound of a door opening is heard.
"You're Chris Collins, and you were born to do this."
He sighs, turns around, and knocks...
...On "Deathwish" Hide Yamazaki's chest.
Chris' eyes widen.
"O-oh."
Yamazaki growls.
"Aww, fffffffffffffffu-"
Now, at this time, you're probably assuming the next scene will be several hours later, Chris waking up, chained to a chair and looking like he's been roughed up. Well, I'm insulted. Do you really think I'd revisit a bit more than once? How dare you people.
Anyway, exactly one hour later, Chris wakes up, unable to move. He's looking up at a nondescript ceiling, only it's not nondescript for long, as a pair of bodies enter his line of vision. It's now that he realizes his vision is still a bit blurry, as he's unable to recognize the forms looming above him. The return of said vision makes him wish he went blind instead: obviously, it's The #1 Hit-Maker Johnny Bonecrusher and his client Yamazaki.
"Now, I just bet you're wondering how you got yourself into this predicament."
Chris groans as he musters the strength to lift his head up, only to see he's tied down by ropes.
"I-I've got my suspicions."
Johnny smirks and nods before full-on cackling for a good while. Finally, he slaps Yamazaki's chest.
"Let him go."
Yamazaki looks excited as he heads over to a big honkin' sword near the mini fridge, much to Chris' utter horror.
"J-Johnny?!"
Yamazaki raises the sword high above his head, power-walking back toward the table, as all Chris can do is shut his eyes tight and shrieks.
The Strong Style Satanist then just drops the sword and undoes the knots, yanking Chris by one arm to a seated position. Chris is understandably still in a state of panic, breathing heavily both his hands resting on his head.
Johnny pulls a chair away from the table with his foot.
"Have a seat, Mr. Collins!"
It takes a while for Chris to settle down. Once he does, he briefly goes through his notes, then clears his throat.
"W-well. Now. I know that your time is precious-"
"So why are you wasting it with all this preamble?!"
Yamazaki roars right in Chris' face.
"I-I just meant that- all right, forget it. Right to the matter at hand. This Monday, you and Yamazaki will be defending your UGWC Tu-"
"Wait a minute, wait a minute. Stop right there. I know what you're going to ask, and the answer is this: yes, we took those unofficial titles away from Captain 80's and current World Greedy Bitch Champion Roxy Cotton back at WrestleStock, yes, no one thought yours truly and my man here could do it, and yes, we were the ones who requested this rematch, not the other way around!"
Chris looks skeptical.
"Y-you willingly rallied to defend your UGWC Tu-"
"Again, Chris, you're not a very good interviewer, because I again know what you're gonna ask me! I repeat: we wanted to give those guys another chance to get back their golden ropes here."
Yamazaki holds up a trophy that looks just like a miniature rope used in contests of strength, coiled just so, so it doesn't just look like a coiled shit. The name/title plate is suspiciously obscured by Yamazaki's finger placement.
"You see?"
"Uh-huh?"
"Looks nice, right?"
"I-I guess so?"
Johnny's smile slowly leaves his face.
"Y-you guess so. Yeah. I guess so too! I know so! It's a beautiful thing, actually. It's just the continuation of great things for Team Johnny: Ava was the longest-reigning Chaos Champion of all time! Kenzi continues to kill it as one-half of the Cooperative Champions despite being injured - what a trooper! And then there's this, this amaz- hold it up higher, please!"
Yamazaki raises the trophy up higher.
"There's this amazing trophy, representing the unbreakable bond between The Johnny and, and, ah,..."
Johnny looks on at Yamazaki, who's now gnawing at the "ropes".
"Don't you ever feed him, Johnny?"
Johnny looks annoyed at Chris.
"Do I ever feed him- of course I ever feed him! I fed him just before you got here! Look!"
Johnny storms to the mini fridge and yanks out a bag clearly marked "Panda Express".
"See? Food! Chinese food! Just bought today! Yamazaki!"
He tosses the bag at Yamazaki, who deftly catches it with one hand. He then drops the trophy as he rifles through the bag.
"God- don't drop our pride and joy, you lunatic!!"
Johnny snatches up the trophy before tossing it onto the bed.
"Anyway, any other stupid questions?"
"Well, Johnny, technically, there's no such thing as a stupid ques-"
Johnny just stares at Chris.
"I-I mean, I have a question, yes. What sort of tactics will you use to throw your opponents off-balance this time around?"
Johnny looks confused at Chris. He scratches his chin, looking deep in thought. So many things to consider about the physics of two people pulling on a rope from one side as two other people pull on the other side of said rope. Fulcrums, gravity, friction, weight, each participant's health, Newton's second law of motion, timing, weather - all these things are integral in ensuring that flag at the centre of the rope moves across the line and well into your own territory.
And how did it happen? What is the history of this fine team sport? Did it first come to be in the 1500's in French chateaux gardens? Or was its birth in the modern-day State of Orissa on the east coast of India in the 1100's? Could it possibly go back even further, back to the times of the Neanderthals, 40,000 years ago? What were their goals, back then? Was it just for fun? Were there high stakes like there are today?
Everything about this "battle" is deep-seated in bragging rights. In genetic superiority. One side stands triumphant with a golden trophy, the other lies in the mud, worn-out and humiliated. Truly, this rope-pulling competition is mired in tradition older than all of us put together! It is domination! It is the ultimate power move! There are no ties, only winners and losers! And it's the winners that have the right to say something along the lines of:
"Pull harder than last time?"
This is a pep talk...
"It won't be like last time."
...Being given by...
"Don't worry about it."
...Chill interviewer Chris Collins...
"You're a consummate professional."
...To himself, as he stands before a door...
"You're not going to ask any stupid questions."
...On the property of GuestHouse Inn and Suites in Pico Rivera, California. Chris nervously chuckles.
"I mean, of course, there's no such thing as a stupid question."
Chris turns around to check his breath, adjust his tie, brush off any lint on his jacket, etc. etc.
"All right, you'll be all right, it'll be all right."
Unbeknownst to him, the faint sound of a door opening is heard.
"You're Chris Collins, and you were born to do this."
He sighs, turns around, and knocks...
...On "Deathwish" Hide Yamazaki's chest.
Chris' eyes widen.
"O-oh."
Yamazaki growls.
"Aww, fffffffffffffffu-"
Now, at this time, you're probably assuming the next scene will be several hours later, Chris waking up, chained to a chair and looking like he's been roughed up. Well, I'm insulted. Do you really think I'd revisit a bit more than once? How dare you people.
Anyway, exactly one hour later, Chris wakes up, unable to move. He's looking up at a nondescript ceiling, only it's not nondescript for long, as a pair of bodies enter his line of vision. It's now that he realizes his vision is still a bit blurry, as he's unable to recognize the forms looming above him. The return of said vision makes him wish he went blind instead: obviously, it's The #1 Hit-Maker Johnny Bonecrusher and his client Yamazaki.
"Now, I just bet you're wondering how you got yourself into this predicament."
Chris groans as he musters the strength to lift his head up, only to see he's tied down by ropes.
"I-I've got my suspicions."
Johnny smirks and nods before full-on cackling for a good while. Finally, he slaps Yamazaki's chest.
"Let him go."
Yamazaki looks excited as he heads over to a big honkin' sword near the mini fridge, much to Chris' utter horror.
"J-Johnny?!"
Yamazaki raises the sword high above his head, power-walking back toward the table, as all Chris can do is shut his eyes tight and shrieks.
The Strong Style Satanist then just drops the sword and undoes the knots, yanking Chris by one arm to a seated position. Chris is understandably still in a state of panic, breathing heavily both his hands resting on his head.
Johnny pulls a chair away from the table with his foot.
"Have a seat, Mr. Collins!"
It takes a while for Chris to settle down. Once he does, he briefly goes through his notes, then clears his throat.
"W-well. Now. I know that your time is precious-"
"So why are you wasting it with all this preamble?!"
Yamazaki roars right in Chris' face.
"I-I just meant that- all right, forget it. Right to the matter at hand. This Monday, you and Yamazaki will be defending your UGWC Tu-"
"Wait a minute, wait a minute. Stop right there. I know what you're going to ask, and the answer is this: yes, we took those unofficial titles away from Captain 80's and current World Greedy Bitch Champion Roxy Cotton back at WrestleStock, yes, no one thought yours truly and my man here could do it, and yes, we were the ones who requested this rematch, not the other way around!"
Chris looks skeptical.
"Y-you willingly rallied to defend your UGWC Tu-"
"Again, Chris, you're not a very good interviewer, because I again know what you're gonna ask me! I repeat: we wanted to give those guys another chance to get back their golden ropes here."
Yamazaki holds up a trophy that looks just like a miniature rope used in contests of strength, coiled just so, so it doesn't just look like a coiled shit. The name/title plate is suspiciously obscured by Yamazaki's finger placement.
"You see?"
"Uh-huh?"
"Looks nice, right?"
"I-I guess so?"
Johnny's smile slowly leaves his face.
"Y-you guess so. Yeah. I guess so too! I know so! It's a beautiful thing, actually. It's just the continuation of great things for Team Johnny: Ava was the longest-reigning Chaos Champion of all time! Kenzi continues to kill it as one-half of the Cooperative Champions despite being injured - what a trooper! And then there's this, this amaz- hold it up higher, please!"
Yamazaki raises the trophy up higher.
"There's this amazing trophy, representing the unbreakable bond between The Johnny and, and, ah,..."
Johnny looks on at Yamazaki, who's now gnawing at the "ropes".
"Don't you ever feed him, Johnny?"
Johnny looks annoyed at Chris.
"Do I ever feed him- of course I ever feed him! I fed him just before you got here! Look!"
Johnny storms to the mini fridge and yanks out a bag clearly marked "Panda Express".
"See? Food! Chinese food! Just bought today! Yamazaki!"
He tosses the bag at Yamazaki, who deftly catches it with one hand. He then drops the trophy as he rifles through the bag.
"God- don't drop our pride and joy, you lunatic!!"
Johnny snatches up the trophy before tossing it onto the bed.
"Anyway, any other stupid questions?"
"Well, Johnny, technically, there's no such thing as a stupid ques-"
Johnny just stares at Chris.
"I-I mean, I have a question, yes. What sort of tactics will you use to throw your opponents off-balance this time around?"
Johnny looks confused at Chris. He scratches his chin, looking deep in thought. So many things to consider about the physics of two people pulling on a rope from one side as two other people pull on the other side of said rope. Fulcrums, gravity, friction, weight, each participant's health, Newton's second law of motion, timing, weather - all these things are integral in ensuring that flag at the centre of the rope moves across the line and well into your own territory.
And how did it happen? What is the history of this fine team sport? Did it first come to be in the 1500's in French chateaux gardens? Or was its birth in the modern-day State of Orissa on the east coast of India in the 1100's? Could it possibly go back even further, back to the times of the Neanderthals, 40,000 years ago? What were their goals, back then? Was it just for fun? Were there high stakes like there are today?
Everything about this "battle" is deep-seated in bragging rights. In genetic superiority. One side stands triumphant with a golden trophy, the other lies in the mud, worn-out and humiliated. Truly, this rope-pulling competition is mired in tradition older than all of us put together! It is domination! It is the ultimate power move! There are no ties, only winners and losers! And it's the winners that have the right to say something along the lines of:
"Pull harder than last time?"
