Post by capt80s on Aug 16, 2019 23:48:43 GMT -5
A helicopter soars out over Columbus, Kentucky, heading south along the Mississippi River. The sun casts a golden glow across the seeming to bake the pseudoisland Middle Bar west of Henley Farms. The chopper banks toward the bar as the two men in the cockpit speak to each other.
Ralph: Is that him?! Look, down there in the mud!
William: I see him. How did no one see that? He’s so colorful!
Ralph: Good question; he’s like, a national treasure.
William: Let’s go get him.
The helicopter descends toward the West bank, a ladder unraveling toward a pile of pink and yellow trash caught a few feet offshore. One of the men, the blonde one, climbs down the ladder, yelling toward the pile of spandex.
William: Captain! Cap!! Are you alive??
His cries become desperate as he reaches the bottom run of the ladder, still a few feet above the mud. He leans out and stretches his arm toward the Captain.
William: CAPTAIN!! I KNOW YOU’RE ALIVE!! YEAAAAH!!
The camera pulls up close on William’s arm, and suddenly a muddy, impossibly muscular arm caked with mud shoots up and grabs William’s forearm. William yells back up toward the cockpit, and they lift off, pulling the bedraggled Captain from the riverbed.
----------
In a rundown shop on the wrong side of the tracks, Captain 80s carefully prunes a bonsai tree on a dusty work table. He works slowly, selecting branches only after careful consideration. The music of a guqin plays from a nearby record player.
The large wooden door on the side of the shop opens, and in walk to two men who rescued The Captain.
Ralph: Hey, Cap, how’s it going?
William: Are you feeling better?
Cap takes a deep breath, and turns around to face his rescuers.
AHOY RALPH MACCHIO AND WILLIAM ZABKA!! THE CAPTAIN IS AND WILL BE ENTERNALLY GRATEFUL FOREVER AND ALWAYS UNTIL THE NOTHING CONSUMES US ALL!!
William and Ralph share a look of concern.
Ralph: Cap, the Nothing isn’t going to consume us. Even if it did, how could it possibly consume you?
IT IS TRUE THAT THE CAPTAIN IS MIGHTY AND POWERFUL, BUT HE HAS LET HIS FIRST MATES DOWN ONE TOO MANY TIMES, RALPH MACCHIO. AT WRESTLESTOCK 2019, HE DID SOMETHING UNFATHOMABLE!! HE BROKE HIS PROMISE TO HIS BEST FIRST MATE, ROXY COTTON!!
William: We thought you might be feeling low about that, but you’ve got another shot, Cap. That’s why we went looking for you.
WHAT ARE YOU SAYING, WILLIAM ZABKA?? THE CAPTAIN WILL HAVE A CHANCE TO WIN BACK THE CHAMPIONSHIPS HE ONCE CHAMPIONED WITH ROXY COTTON??
William: In two days on Chill, you and Roxy will be challenging Team Johnny once again!!
Ralph: You have to make it up to her, Cap, you have to get your confidence back! It’s not going to be easy, Team Johnny knows they can beat you.
William: We’ve brought along a friend to help.
Another man walks in through the sliding door, a sly smirk on his face. His long black hair is slicked back into a ponytail, and his Hawaiian shirt is unbuttoned from his neck to his chest, the bottom half tucked into acid washed jeans.
THOMAS IAN GRIFFITH!! THE CAPTAIN IS THRILLED TO MEET ONE OF HIS BIGGEST FIRST MATES!! YEAAAH!!
Thomas: Hello Cap. I understand you need a dose of confidence in a very short amount of time?
IT’S TRUE!! THE CAPTAIN MUST RESTORE HIS HONOR AND WIN THE CHAMPIONSHIPS BACK FOR ROXY COTTON!!
Thomas: Then I’m here to offer an exclusive training regime. I call it the QuikSilver method, Cap. In four easy steps, you’ll be back on your game and ready to challenge Team Johnny at Chill!!
THE CAPTAIN IS READY TO TAKE IT TO THE LIMIT!!
----------
Night has fallen and The Captain waits eagerly in a darkened dojo for Thomas to arrive. He looks around cautiously, then very slowly lifts his arms. He goes into a precise series of flexes and poses, testing the muscles that barely kept him from drowning or suffocating during his perilous three week float down the Ohio and Mississippi rivers.
Thomas: Why are you wasting your time doing poses??
Cap is startled as the lights come on.
AHOY THOMAS IAN GRIFFITH!! THE CAPTAIN KNOWS HE’LL NEED TO CALL ON HIS LIMITLESS STRENGTH ON CHILL TO--
Thomas: NO!
The Captain is stunned into silence.
Thomas: All that brute strength means nothing if you have no focus. That’s what you have to learn in order to beat Team Johnny. Are you ready to learn?
HAI SENSEI THOMAS IAN GRIFFITH!!
Thomas smirks at The Captain before walking confidently over to a storage closet. From within, he wheels out four contraptions. A series of copper pipes form a sort of skeletal support system for several untreated two by fours. The blocks of wood form what could be viewed as legs, arms, a torso, and a head on each contraption. Thomas lines them up side by side, the four training dummies facing The Captain indifferently. He pulls a hook on each one, and one by one copper pipes drop into anchoring holes in the floor.
Thomas: The QuikSilver method consists of four simple rules.
He gestures toward each of the dummies in turn.
Thomas: One- If a man can’t stand, he can’t pull.
The Captain notices a rope tied in a slipknot around both legs of the first dummy.
Thomas: Two- If a man can’t breathe, he can’t heave.
The second dummy has a rope tied around the torso.
Thomas: Three- if a man can’t see, he can’t yank.
BUT WAIT, THOMAS IAN GRIFFITH!! THE CAPTAIN OFTEN CLENCHES HIS EYES SHUT TO BETTER CONCENTRATE ON YANKING--
Thomas: QUIET! I don’t want to hear it! Johnny Bonecrusher and Hide Yamazaki embarrassed you! They besmirched the honor of Roxy Cotton! You need to make them suffer, and then suffer some more!! And then, when they’re done suffering, that’s when the PAIN begins!! You can’t just stand there on Chill and get your ass kicked! Do you hear me?
HAI SENSEI THOMAS IAN GRIFFITH!! YEAAAH!
Thomas: Good, now the last rule.
He gestures at the fourth dummy. This one has a rope that is knotted to two other ropes in a Y-shape, each tied around one of the dummy’s arms.
Thomas: If a man can’t jerk, he can’t drag. Got it? Now take up the first rope.
The Captain lifts the rope for the first dummy and begins to pull. His muscles bulge and ripple, a sheen of sweat breaks out across his forehead. The dummy leans, and nearly threatens to bend, but the anchors in the floor hold tight. Eventually, The Captain’s hands weaken, and his grip slackens, causing him to overbalance and fall backward when he involuntarily releases the rope. His head smacks the concrete floor of the dojo hard as he lets out an Oof!
Thomas doesn’t move. The Captain sits up, dazed as he reaches a hand back to check his head. He winces as his fingers brush the crown of his head, and he checks his fingers to see a swipe of red. Thomas looks down with disgust.
Thomas: It's blood. So what? Make believe it's theirs! Why do you think they immediately asked to defend against you so quickly? These guys want to break you! Humiliate you!
He reaches up and spins around the board representing the first dummy’s head. On it he has stapled a picture:
Thomas: Now what are you going to do about it??
The Captain leaps to his feet with a roar and grabs the rope. He yanks with all his might, causing the slipknot to tighten and eventually break through both two by fours!!
YEAAH!
He jumps to the second dummy, jerking the rope with unfathomable power, breaking the two by fours in half that represent the torso.
YEAAAAAAH!!!
Third dummy, the head is splintered when Cap heaves the rope.
YEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!
Finally, with a massive drag, the two by fours representing arms give in to the Captain’s superhuman strength and shatter toward one another.
YEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!!
Thomas: You nailed it!! You’re ready!!
SOMEBODY GET THE CAPTAIN HIS NOBLE FALCOR!! IT’S TIME TO FLY TO CONNECTICUT AND COMMENCE THE BATTLE FOR HIS AND ROXY’S BELTS!! YEAAAH!!!
Thomas: YEAAAH!!
Ralph: YEAAAH!!
William: YEAAAH!!
They all jump up for a fourway highfive, and the image freezes with them in midair.
Ralph: Is that him?! Look, down there in the mud!
William: I see him. How did no one see that? He’s so colorful!
Ralph: Good question; he’s like, a national treasure.
William: Let’s go get him.
The helicopter descends toward the West bank, a ladder unraveling toward a pile of pink and yellow trash caught a few feet offshore. One of the men, the blonde one, climbs down the ladder, yelling toward the pile of spandex.
William: Captain! Cap!! Are you alive??
His cries become desperate as he reaches the bottom run of the ladder, still a few feet above the mud. He leans out and stretches his arm toward the Captain.
William: CAPTAIN!! I KNOW YOU’RE ALIVE!! YEAAAAH!!
The camera pulls up close on William’s arm, and suddenly a muddy, impossibly muscular arm caked with mud shoots up and grabs William’s forearm. William yells back up toward the cockpit, and they lift off, pulling the bedraggled Captain from the riverbed.
----------
In a rundown shop on the wrong side of the tracks, Captain 80s carefully prunes a bonsai tree on a dusty work table. He works slowly, selecting branches only after careful consideration. The music of a guqin plays from a nearby record player.
The large wooden door on the side of the shop opens, and in walk to two men who rescued The Captain.
Ralph: Hey, Cap, how’s it going?
William: Are you feeling better?
Cap takes a deep breath, and turns around to face his rescuers.
AHOY RALPH MACCHIO AND WILLIAM ZABKA!! THE CAPTAIN IS AND WILL BE ENTERNALLY GRATEFUL FOREVER AND ALWAYS UNTIL THE NOTHING CONSUMES US ALL!!
William and Ralph share a look of concern.
Ralph: Cap, the Nothing isn’t going to consume us. Even if it did, how could it possibly consume you?
IT IS TRUE THAT THE CAPTAIN IS MIGHTY AND POWERFUL, BUT HE HAS LET HIS FIRST MATES DOWN ONE TOO MANY TIMES, RALPH MACCHIO. AT WRESTLESTOCK 2019, HE DID SOMETHING UNFATHOMABLE!! HE BROKE HIS PROMISE TO HIS BEST FIRST MATE, ROXY COTTON!!
William: We thought you might be feeling low about that, but you’ve got another shot, Cap. That’s why we went looking for you.
WHAT ARE YOU SAYING, WILLIAM ZABKA?? THE CAPTAIN WILL HAVE A CHANCE TO WIN BACK THE CHAMPIONSHIPS HE ONCE CHAMPIONED WITH ROXY COTTON??
William: In two days on Chill, you and Roxy will be challenging Team Johnny once again!!
Ralph: You have to make it up to her, Cap, you have to get your confidence back! It’s not going to be easy, Team Johnny knows they can beat you.
William: We’ve brought along a friend to help.
Another man walks in through the sliding door, a sly smirk on his face. His long black hair is slicked back into a ponytail, and his Hawaiian shirt is unbuttoned from his neck to his chest, the bottom half tucked into acid washed jeans.
THOMAS IAN GRIFFITH!! THE CAPTAIN IS THRILLED TO MEET ONE OF HIS BIGGEST FIRST MATES!! YEAAAH!!
Thomas: Hello Cap. I understand you need a dose of confidence in a very short amount of time?
IT’S TRUE!! THE CAPTAIN MUST RESTORE HIS HONOR AND WIN THE CHAMPIONSHIPS BACK FOR ROXY COTTON!!
Thomas: Then I’m here to offer an exclusive training regime. I call it the QuikSilver method, Cap. In four easy steps, you’ll be back on your game and ready to challenge Team Johnny at Chill!!
THE CAPTAIN IS READY TO TAKE IT TO THE LIMIT!!
----------
Night has fallen and The Captain waits eagerly in a darkened dojo for Thomas to arrive. He looks around cautiously, then very slowly lifts his arms. He goes into a precise series of flexes and poses, testing the muscles that barely kept him from drowning or suffocating during his perilous three week float down the Ohio and Mississippi rivers.
Thomas: Why are you wasting your time doing poses??
Cap is startled as the lights come on.
AHOY THOMAS IAN GRIFFITH!! THE CAPTAIN KNOWS HE’LL NEED TO CALL ON HIS LIMITLESS STRENGTH ON CHILL TO--
Thomas: NO!
The Captain is stunned into silence.
Thomas: All that brute strength means nothing if you have no focus. That’s what you have to learn in order to beat Team Johnny. Are you ready to learn?
HAI SENSEI THOMAS IAN GRIFFITH!!
Thomas smirks at The Captain before walking confidently over to a storage closet. From within, he wheels out four contraptions. A series of copper pipes form a sort of skeletal support system for several untreated two by fours. The blocks of wood form what could be viewed as legs, arms, a torso, and a head on each contraption. Thomas lines them up side by side, the four training dummies facing The Captain indifferently. He pulls a hook on each one, and one by one copper pipes drop into anchoring holes in the floor.
Thomas: The QuikSilver method consists of four simple rules.
He gestures toward each of the dummies in turn.
Thomas: One- If a man can’t stand, he can’t pull.
The Captain notices a rope tied in a slipknot around both legs of the first dummy.
Thomas: Two- If a man can’t breathe, he can’t heave.
The second dummy has a rope tied around the torso.
Thomas: Three- if a man can’t see, he can’t yank.
BUT WAIT, THOMAS IAN GRIFFITH!! THE CAPTAIN OFTEN CLENCHES HIS EYES SHUT TO BETTER CONCENTRATE ON YANKING--
Thomas: QUIET! I don’t want to hear it! Johnny Bonecrusher and Hide Yamazaki embarrassed you! They besmirched the honor of Roxy Cotton! You need to make them suffer, and then suffer some more!! And then, when they’re done suffering, that’s when the PAIN begins!! You can’t just stand there on Chill and get your ass kicked! Do you hear me?
HAI SENSEI THOMAS IAN GRIFFITH!! YEAAAH!
Thomas: Good, now the last rule.
He gestures at the fourth dummy. This one has a rope that is knotted to two other ropes in a Y-shape, each tied around one of the dummy’s arms.
Thomas: If a man can’t jerk, he can’t drag. Got it? Now take up the first rope.
The Captain lifts the rope for the first dummy and begins to pull. His muscles bulge and ripple, a sheen of sweat breaks out across his forehead. The dummy leans, and nearly threatens to bend, but the anchors in the floor hold tight. Eventually, The Captain’s hands weaken, and his grip slackens, causing him to overbalance and fall backward when he involuntarily releases the rope. His head smacks the concrete floor of the dojo hard as he lets out an Oof!
Thomas doesn’t move. The Captain sits up, dazed as he reaches a hand back to check his head. He winces as his fingers brush the crown of his head, and he checks his fingers to see a swipe of red. Thomas looks down with disgust.
Thomas: It's blood. So what? Make believe it's theirs! Why do you think they immediately asked to defend against you so quickly? These guys want to break you! Humiliate you!
He reaches up and spins around the board representing the first dummy’s head. On it he has stapled a picture:
Thomas: Now what are you going to do about it??
The Captain leaps to his feet with a roar and grabs the rope. He yanks with all his might, causing the slipknot to tighten and eventually break through both two by fours!!
YEAAH!
He jumps to the second dummy, jerking the rope with unfathomable power, breaking the two by fours in half that represent the torso.
YEAAAAAAH!!!
Third dummy, the head is splintered when Cap heaves the rope.
YEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!
Finally, with a massive drag, the two by fours representing arms give in to the Captain’s superhuman strength and shatter toward one another.
YEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!!
Thomas: You nailed it!! You’re ready!!
SOMEBODY GET THE CAPTAIN HIS NOBLE FALCOR!! IT’S TIME TO FLY TO CONNECTICUT AND COMMENCE THE BATTLE FOR HIS AND ROXY’S BELTS!! YEAAAH!!!
Thomas: YEAAAH!!
Ralph: YEAAAH!!
William: YEAAAH!!
They all jump up for a fourway highfive, and the image freezes with them in midair.
