Chill #11 Results

[DrunkenBuzzsaw]

You can hear the chattering of a large crowd, but no visuals. As a cold, blue spotlight clicks on over a blocky “U”, the opening strains of “Red Cold River” by Breaking Benjamin slowly tease the opening. A slow, CO2 mist curls out from around the letters as the fans start to get excited. Spotlights continue to flick on over subsequent letters, “G,” “W,” “C,” and when Ben Burnley screams “RUN” to usher in the song proper, the stage lights up with six-foot blue flames and the word “Chill” is emblazoned in black across the company letters. The fans hit their feet as pyros fly, and we’re taken to ringside to join our broadcast team of Aaron Reese, "The Drunken Buzzsaw" Chaos and Daniel Hanson.

Reese: Good evening ladies and gentlemen and welcome to the eleventh episode of UGWC CHILL!! I’m your host Aaron Reese! To my left is the most colorful colorman in the business, UGWC legend and Hall of Fame member, “The Drunken Buzzsaw”, Chaos.

Hanson: You mean the drunkest colorman in the business.

Chaos: Evening, Aaron. Evening, Asshole.

Reese: And to my right is none other than Daniel Hanson.

Hanson: I definitely deserve a better introduction than that, Reese.

Chaos: Matter of fuckin' opinion, Hanson.

Reese: We are coming to you live from Cotterell Court, in beautiful Hamilton, New York-

Hanson: Yes we are, Reese. Beautiful Hamilton, NEW YORK.

Chaos: Couldn't help yourself, could ya douchebag?

Hanson: I'm not saying, I'm just saying. You wouldn't understand though.

Reese: We are a week removed from UGWC Battleground, where we witnessed a night of action that is still being talked about today!

Hanson: Gabrielle Sinn defeated three others to become the new number-one contender to the Cross-Hemisphere Championship, and I have to wonder if her experience taking a pounding from multiple people at once gave her any sort of leg-up on the competition in that match?

Chaos: And you have nerve enough to bitch about the fuckin' things I say...

Reese: Kenzi Grey-Lacklan defeated Lisa Seldon to retain her Chaos Championship in a bloody affair.

Chaos: As someone who knows a little something about the Chaos Championship, winning the Chaos strap is one thing... but retaining is something different entirely. Kenzi showed a lot of heart here last week, and I'm lookin' forward to what she does next.

Reese: The tandem of Sebastian Everett-Bryce the Third and Sloane Taylor were able to push back the challenge of Dave Rydell and Phrixus Deimos in a match closer than most may have imagined.

Hanson: Rydell finds himself back at the drawing board now, but knowing him like I do, I'm sure he has a plan in mind as we move closer to Horizons.

Reese: Sarah Grey-Lacklan successfully defend her World Championship by defeating fellow #CoolKid Roxy Cotton in a hard-fought match.

Hanson: The World's Champion is going to have a long, memorable reign, Reese.

Chaos: She's got all the tools to be one of the greats, for sure.

Hanson: How's it feel knowing that she did in what, two years? Something that you couldn't in all the time you were stealing pay as an active member of the roster?

Chaos: I might be retired, but I'll still hang a foot in your ass, Hanson.

Reese: And in the Battleground match, Hide Yamazaki did what absolutely nobody not named Johnny Bonecrusher thought he could do, as he defeated five other entertainment professionals to earn the right to choose who he faces at our biggest event of the year.

Hanson: There were three sure-fire future Hall of Famers in that match, not to mention Konrad Raab and Angelica Vaughn! Talk about making a statement! Hide did just that a week ago!

Chaos: Fuck Wallace.

Reese: That was last week, however, and tonight it is all about #Chill! Tonight, we will see The Generic Heel put up his Chickenwing Eating Championship, as he enters in to a duel with Gabrielle Sinn.

Hanson: If there is anyone that can give The Generic Heel a run for his money when it comes to putting as much meat into their mouth as possible, it's Gabrielle Sinn.

Chaos: Fucks sake, Hanson...

Reese: And in our Main Event of the night, 'The #1 Hitmaker' himself, Johnny Bonecrusher, will take on long-time nemesis Sativa Navaeh in a No Holds Barred match!

Chaos: Guess we're gonna find out if a little bit of that Yamazaki magic from last week has rubbed off on the self-proclaimed 'King Shit on Fuck Mountain'.

Hanson: Language, you Neanderthal!

Chaos: Fuck off, Hanson.

Reese: Unfortunately, our scheduled opening match of the evening will have to be rescheduled for a later date-

Hanson: Hamilton, NEW YORK!

Reese: We just received word moments before going on the air that the members of the Supreme Jersey Wrestling roster encountered some ill-fated travel woes this evening, and as such, will not be able to make an appearance here tonight.

Hanson: They went to the wrong Hamilton, Reese! Those aren't 'travel woes'. It's just blatant stupidity!

Chaos: Well, you'd definitely know all about that, wouldn't ya dipshit?

Reese: It seems as if, when procuring their greyhound tickets for the event, tickets were indeed purchased to travel to Hamilton. Unfortunately, it was Hamilton, Ontario.

Hanson: See? Blatant stupidity! And from what I hear, the stop at the border didn't even alert them that they weren't heading to where they needed to be going? I've been told they just assumed that the state of New York was cracking down on travelers.

Chaos: You're a dumbass, Hanson.

Hanson: Don't hate just because I have people and you don't.

Reese: We hope that the advertised battle royal match can take place sometime after the first of the year-

Hanson: What in the hell?

The lights plunge the arena into darkness as “Come to Daddy” blares through the arena. Strobes flash in time with the weird and creepy video. A few seconds in he comes leaping out onto the stage, nearly trips over his own feet and comes dangerously close to falling off of the stage.

Chaos: The fuck is this guy doing out here?

Hanson: Shut your mouth, felon! I ove The Dark Destroyer!

The Dark Destroyer walks to the top of the ramp and looks out over the crowd. He tries to look scary and menacing, but fails because he seems to forget that he’s wearing a mask. He barely manages to walk down the ramp without hurting himself, almost falls off of the ring steps and then trips over the middle rope as he tries to get into the ring. He tries to climb the ropes, but isn’t strong enough to pull himself up and eventually settles for posing in the middle of the ring.

Reese: I'm not quite sure what's going on right now, Daniel. The Dark Destroyer isn't scheduled to appear here tonight.

Chaos: Does someone wanna let him know that we'll hear him better if he has a microphone in hand?

Hanson: Just shut up and pay attention Chad! You might learn something!

Reese: It appears as if The Dark Destroyer is proclaiming that he is now entered into the battle royal match.

Chaos: You mean the one that's fuckin' cancelled?

Reese: That'd be the one.

Hanson: Nothing has been made official in regards to the cancellation of the match, you imbeciles. And if I just hear him correctly, The Dark Destroyer has just challenged anyone in the back to get in the ring with him, and get tossed out unceremoniously to the floor.

Chaos: You gathered all that from whatever the fuck he just verbally vomited?

Hanson: I read between the lines.

The Dark Destroyer slides out of the ring and begins looking underneath. He pulls out an aluminum trash can, followed by a kendo stick. Leaving the trash can on the floor, he slides back into the ring with the kendo stick still in hand, almost tripping over it as he gets back to his feet.

Hanson: If the rest of the #Chill roster knows what's good for them, they will stay in the back and allow this man to bask in the victory that he so rightly deserves!

Reese: But without another participant, there will be no victory to celebrate, Daniel.

Hanson: Semantics.

Chaos: This idiot is holding up the show. I'll be back.

Hanson: Where are you going?!

'The Drunken Buzzsaw' takes his headset off and rises to his feet. Walking around the announce table he makes his way over to the ring steps, and slowly begins walking up them. He steps in between the top and middle ropes, and enters the ring. Walking up to The Dark Destroyer, he begins talking to him, before pointing up the ramp.

Reese: Chaos doing what he can now to get The Dark Destroyer out of the ring so that our first match of the night can begin, and it looks like Destroyer is finally relenting.

Hanson: Not today, Reese!

The Dark Destroyer had turned and feigned as if he was going to exit the ring, but as soon as Chaos had turned his back to him, The Dark Destroyer had brought kendo stick down hard across the back of 'The Drunken Buzzsaw' Chaos, and it had minimal effect.

Reese: That might not have been his best decision, Daniel.

Hanson: Chaos ruins everything!

Chaos turns and glares at The Dark Destroyer, who responds by swinging the kendo stick again. Chaos catches it and jerks it away from 'The Master of Multiple Personalities', and flings it into the crowd. He grabs a hold of The Dark Destroyer and lifts him high into the air in a gorilla press position, before walking over to the ropes and tossing him over the top rope. The Dark Destroyer goes head-first into the trash can that he pulled from underneath the ring moments ago, and his legs begin kicking as Chaos motions for a few of the production assistants that are stationed around the ring to take the can and it's trash to the back.

Reese: Does this mean that Chaos is the winner of the battle royal?

Hanson: Not a chance. I heard no bell ring.

Chaos steps through the ropes and out to the apron, and hops down to the floor. Walking over to the timekeeper table he grabs a microphone.

Chaos: Alright bitches, let's get this show on the fuckin' road!

Chaos tosses the microphone down and heads back over to the announce table, as he, Reese, and Hanson prepare to call the Chickenwing Eating Championship match.

[DrunkenBuzzsaw]

Placeholder for Chickenwing Eating Championship

Reese: Well that was an interesting...opening to “Chill”.

Hanson: When did we start hiring “special” people?

Chaos: We hired you back.

Hanson: I’m a different kind of special.

Chaos: Fuckin A right you are.

Reese: The Dark Destroyer certainly is different. I don’t think I’ve ever seen a wrestler more or less lose to himself.

Hanson: He beat himself. I bet he does that a lot. You know a lot about that, don’t you Chaos?

Chaos: Tell that to Xandy, Hanson. See what happens.

Hanson: I can handle her.

Chaos: I can barely handle her sometimes. She’d rip out your tongue through your ears.

Reese: Can you have her to that anyway?

Chaos: I’ll run it by her.

Hanson: AHEM! I’m still right here!

Reese: We know.

Chaos: We just don’t give a fuck

Hanson: I don’t give a fuck about this match.

Chaos: Really? A sleazy pervert like you doesn’t want to see Gabby covered in barbecue sauce after tongue fucking a chicken wing?

Hanson: Well, when you put it like THAT.

Reese: If you keep that up, I’m going to start calling you the “Hanson Whisperer”.

Chaos: I like you, Reese. Insult me like that again and I might change my mind.

Reese: Sorry, no insult intended.

Chaos: Yeah. Just a bad fuckin choice of words.

Reese: Speaking of “bad choices”, do you think that our young Referee, Sabastian Kane is reconsidering his career choice right now?

Hanson: Why would he? He can see a hot and sweaty goddess like Gabrielle Sinn glistening in front of him!

Chaos: If you want “hot and sweaty”, I can find you the cheapest woman at “MIxxies”.

Hanson: No thanks. I like my women disease free.

Chaos: Watch it, Hanson or I’ll use your front teeth as a bottle opener.

Reese: If you step on his teeth, do you think he’ll resemble a Pez dispenser?

Chaos: No. It’ll look like what it is, a garbage can.

Reese: Touche. Speaking of “trash”, we have two large trash cans sitting in the ring on either side of the table.

Chaos: We learned from last time’s fiasco.

Reese: Right. Last time we did this, we ended up with a ring that was covered with chicken bones after Bobbi London and The Generic Heel hammered down three-hundred chicken wings between them. Things got a bit messy after Bobbi upended the table and sent chicken bones flying everywhere.

Hanson: Yeah, the Voodoo folks in our audience must have been in heaven.

Reese: Are you capable of opening your mouth without sounding stupid?

Chaos: You know the answer to that.

Reese: True. I retract the question.

Hanson: Don’t I get a say in this?

Reese and Chaos: NO.

Hanson: I hate both of you.

Reese: This time instead of individual trays of wings like we did last time, Gabrielle and Generic Heel will be handed a gigantic tub of mixed wings.

Hanson: Mixed? That’s going to cross pollute them!

Chaos: That’d be a sin at “Mixxies”, but for this I don’t care. I think it’ll lead to some hilarious facial expressions.

Hanson: And some hilarious sounds from the bathroom.

Chaos: You have serious issues.

Reese: Sebastian Kane has signaled that we’re ready to go. Let’s go to Mark Thompson.

Thompson: The SECOND event of tonight is a CHICKEN WING EATING CONTEST. Introducing FIRST…



Hanson: He’s weird, but I like him. We have a lot in common.

Reese: You do?

Chaos: Yeah, they both have suspect choices in dates.

Hanson: There’s nothing wrong with mail-order brides.

Reese: He wasn’t talking about that.

Hanson: You’re an asshole.

Chaos: The weird fuck is in the ring. At least he’s not drooling on himself like the Dark Destroyer always looks like he is.

Reese: THAT guy is a “weird fuck”, as you so eloquently put it.

Chaos: I’m a fuckin poet.

Reese: Amen.

Hanson: Why are you nice to each other, but dicks to me?

Chaos: Because you’re a dick and we both detest you.

Reese: You’re a wordsmith.

Chaos: I know, but thank you.

Reese: Mark is ready to introduce Gabrielle.

Hanson: Yippie!

Reese: “Yippie”?

Hanson: I’m happy. I’ve always loved Gabrielle’s in ring talent.

Chaos: Her work in “Queen of the Cock Rings IV” doesn’t count here.

Hanson: Did you just say “IV”?

Chaos: No, I said “four”.

Hanson: I could have sworn that you said “IV”.

Chaos: No. I said “four”. Why would I say “IV”?

Hanson: Because the writer thinks that this breaking of the fourth wall is a lot funnier than it actually is?

Chaos: Are you feeling OK?

Reese: Does he EVER sound like he’s feeling ok?

Chaos: You’ve got a good fucking point there.

Mark Thompson: And the SECOND member of this chicken wing eating contest...



'Sex With Me' slinks into existence as all the arena lighting turns purple and pink as what we want walks out atop the entrance way. The gorgeous Gabrielle in her hue of caramel smirks as she gazes out over all the UGWC fans and tussles her hair over her shoulders before sauntering down too the ring while holding her hands delicately aloft beside herself. When she reaches the ring she rests both hands on the ring apron and for a moment she suggestively arches her back before lifting herself up onto the apron where she sits with her legs dangling over the edge as she adjusts the neckline of her revealing sports bra ensuring it does what little it can to conceal her curves. She then crawls under the bottom rope and into the ring where she gets to her feet and leans back against the ropes where she turns and winks at the camera.

Hanson: How is Generic Heel not fascinated by her entrance?

Reese: Don’t you mean “fixated”?

Chaos If he’s speaking for himself, he means “obsessed”.

Hanson: Can you guys get through a sentence without insulting me?

Reese: Sure.

Chaos: Maybe. It’s just more fun to make fun of you.

Reese: Gabby has sat down at the table and she looks ready to go. The Generic Heel, who won the last Chicken Wing Eating Contest, looks ready too.

Chaos: I still can’t believe that he beat that big blonde chick.

Hanson: He outsmarted her. You wouldn’t know anything about that.

Reese: Was that vaguely directed at both of us?

Hanson: No.

Chaos: You realize that beer cans aren’t the only thing I can crush at this table.

Reese: In case you are wondering what that sound is, folks, it was Hanson gulping in terror.

Hanson: Was not!

Reese: Scathing comeback, Hanson.

Chaos: Speaking of “scathing”, Gabby got a hot one to start.

Hanson: Gabby IS a hot one.

Chaos: Creeper.

Reese: Gabrielle does appear to have gotten some kind of hot wing, while the Generic Heel has already inhaled two.

Hanson: FIX!! The game is rigged!!

Chaos: Shut up.

Reese: Generic Heel lifts another one to his face and pauses. He appears to smile as Gabrielle sniffs at the very first wing.

Hanson: She’s losing! She shouldn’t be smi…

Reese: I think Hanson just had a stroke.

Chaos: Good. We can get someone fuckin useful into that chair.

Reese: Gabrielle just tilted her head back, opened her mouth, inserted the wing and then very slowly pulled it out. The Generic Heel looks dumbfounded.

Chaos: You mean that’s not his normal stupid look?

Reese: Nope.

Chaos: Maybe I’m too used to looking at Hanson.

Reese: Maybe. Meanwhile, Gabrielle finishes pulling that wing out and it looks so clean that it’s almost shining.

Hanson: I think I’m in love.

Chaos: If you make that sound again, I’ll twist your head off like I’m opening a beer.

Reese: That was rather creepy.

Hanson: How are you not impressed by what Gabrielle just did?

Reese: That sound you made wasn’t “impressed”. It was...creepier.

Chaos: I can hear the restraining order being issued.

Hanson: She’s a chicken stripping artist, but I’M creepy for appreciating it?

Chaos: She’s a stripping artist.

Reese: Gabrielle tosses the wing into the nearby trash and grabs a second one. Meanwhile, The Generic Heel is on his fourth wing after devouring a hot wing, which he chased with three far...milder wings.

Chaos: I’ve seen starving animals eat like less of a fucking savage than that.

Hanson: That’s no way to talk about your wife.

Reese: That was stupid. Even for you…

Chaos: Reese, if you would step out of the way....

Reese: With pleasure.

Chaos: Thanks.

Hanson: How could you, Reese? Professional loyalty!

Reese: You’d have to act like a professional first.

Hanson: I hate you!

Chaos: Be right back.

Reese: Yup.

Hanson: Get away from me, you brute!

Reese: While Chaos twists Hanson in knots for being more of an idiot than usual, Gabrielle has stripped her third wing clean and honestly, I didn’t think a human tongue could contort like that. The Generic Heel digs into his bowl and comes out with a wing on each finger...somehow. I’m not even sure how that’s possible.

Chaos: Get back here!

Hanson: I don’t wanna die!

Reese: The Generic Heel begins to juggle his wings, which is honestly somewhat impressive. Even Gabrielle pauses to watch,

Hanson: HEELLLLP!!!

Reese: Hard pass.

Chaos: You’re taking me away from my beer drinking! I don’t like taking time away from my beer drinking!

Reese: The Generic Heel tosses a wing into the air, but misses when he goes to catch it and it bounces off of his forehead before it lands on the mat.

Hanson: Ooh! Asian chicks!

Chaos: Stop running, you pervy fuck!

Reese: Chaos continues to chase Hanson around the ring as one of Generic Heel’s Asian...menagerie...has appeared in the ring and is picking his lost wing up off of the mat as he lets two drop into his mouth. He chews...or something...and spits the suddenly bones out and into the air. The member of his menagerie snatches the two bones from the air and…

Chaos: Fuckin weird chick.

Reese: Yeah.

Hanson: Maybe she wants to start a collection. He’s an incredible man! Get away from me, you sodden thug!

Chaos: You’re just making this worse on yourself.

Reese: So the young Asian woman picked up the two chicken bones and stared longingly at them, then put them in her pocket.

Hanson: I told you, she knows his greatness!

Chaos: I’m done running. I have beer to drink.

Hanson: Phew.

Chaos: Don’t think that I’m done with you.

Reese: I’ve seen some weird things in wrestling, but that one’s new.

Hanson: I told you, he’s a great man! She’s probably building him a shrine!

Reese: A shrine…

Hanson: Yes. A shrine.

Reese: Out of chicken bones…

Hanson: I have one at home that’s made out of

Reese: Stop talking. Don’t finish that sentence.

Chaos: Nobody wants to know what you build things out of.

Reese: The Generic Heel polishes off another wing, licking his lips rather loudly and tosses the bone over his shoulder. His…

Hanson: Worshipper.

Reese: Right. Whatever. She catches the bone and puts it in her pocket. Gabrielle stares at this in a mixture of disgust and confusion. She finally just shrugs, then pulls up a wing that’s dripping with sauce and walks over to the Heel’s assistant.

Chaos: I’ll be goddamned…

Hanson: I’m in heaven!

Reese: Gabby just ran the wing down the side of the face and neck of the young woman, then dropped it down her shirt and…

Chaos: Went for a dive.

Reese: That’ll do.

Hanson: I think The Generic Heel might need to change his pants after that.

Chaos: Stop projecting. You’re really talking about yourself.

Hanson: I’m projecting alright!

Chaos: Goddamn it, Hanson!

Reese: Can you at least TRY to act like a professional?

Hanson: I can’t help it! The Caramel Coated Goddess just went down...and then up on a hot Asian chick!

Reese: You really are an embarrassment to this company.

Hanson: I’m a visionary!

Chaos: You’re a desperate and handsy pervert.

Reese: Gabrielle finishes...cleaning...the Heel’s sidekick and punctuates it with a chicken wing shared kiss...then throws her head back and spits the stripped bone over her head and into the trash can. Poor Sebastian Kane doesn’t look like he knows quite what to do at the moment.

Hanson: I do.

Chaos: Don’t even.

Reese: Generic Heel complains to Kane that Gabrielle is cheating, but Kane retorts that she came in to help him.

Hanson: Sebastian is an idiot!

Reese: Sebastian happens to be right!

Hanson: He should be fired!

Chaos: YOU should be fired.

Reese: Generic Heel should stop complaining. Gabrielle is making good use of that time and Heel’s...helper?

Chaos: Something like that. She let him sit on her.

Reese: Whatever she is, she’s tossing wings to Gabrielle, who’s dancing in circles as if she’s going around an invisible stripper pole.

Hanson: And she’s catching them! This is one of the greatest things I’ve ever seen!

Chaos: You lead a sad life.

Reese: Generic Heel is hollering at his minion to stop, but she continues to ignore him and toss wings to Gabrielle, who’s devouring them!

Chaos: She’s way ahead on points right now. She’s downed at least half of her bowl.

Hanson: And she’s covered in sauce!

Reese: Of course you’d point that out.

Chaos: Of course he would. Hanson, you’re the kind of guy we’d make sure we watched closely at Mixxies.

Hanson: Because you care about your customers?

Chaos: No, because we don’t want you playing grabass with the ladies.

Hanson: “Ladies”. That’s funny.

Chaos: Do you remember that part of the show where I didn’t twist your head off like a beer cap?

Hanson: Yeah.

Chaos: I’m dangerously close to changing my mind.

Reese: Generic Heel is alternating between wolfing down wings and yelling at his helper to stop dancing around with Gabrielle. It’s creating a cloud of spit, chicken wing sauce and miscellaneous chicken parts around him. It’s quite frankly

Hanson: Arousing?

Reese: I was going to say “disgusting”.

Hanson: You’re no fun.

Reese: Gabrielle catches a wing and latches onto Generic Heel’s helper in a way that I’m not going to describe here.

Hanson: Suction cup.

Reese: That’ll do.

Hanson: I think that Generic Heel is about to blow a gasket.

Chaos: If he waves his arms any harder, he might fly away.

Reese: Wait a minute! What the hell?!

Chaos: Party Foul!

Hanson: I told you he was brilliant!

Reese: Generic Heel just spit a faceful of chicken wings into the eyes of Referee Sebastian Kane! He can’t see as Generic Heel dumps his entire bowl into Gabrielle’s!

Chaos: Sneaky fucker.

Hanson: Gabrielle doesn’t even notice, she’s too busy with the Asian chick!

Reese: I thought you were afraid of Asians.

Chaos: Only the chunky ones.

Reese: Who do flips?

Chose: Those.

Hanson: I really hate you two.

Reese: Sebastian finally clears his eyes out and looks down at the two bowls. He’s clearly suspicious of Generic Heel, who smiles....I’m not sure that “sweetly” is the right word...

Chaos: There’s not enough beer in the world to make that smile “sweet”.

Hanson: You just don’t understand him.

Reese: Whatever the case is, Generic Heel lifts up his final wing, drops it into his mouth and chews it, then pulls it out and throws it at Gabrielle!

Chaos: That’s what she gets for paying more attention to the Asian chick.

Reese: The Generic Heel wins and retains his Chicken Wing Eating Championship!


Generic Heel - 6.92

Gabrielle Sinn - 6.72

[DrunkenBuzzsaw]

The lights go out in the arena.

"EYES ON ME!"

A red spotlight shines down on the entrance ramp as a metal version of the Moonlight Sonata plays. Sarah Grey-Lacklan calmly walks out onto the ramp and stops, taking the time to look at the crowd, the shine from the UGWC World Heavyweight Championship still around her waist. Along with the title, she has a large sack slung over one shoulder. As the guitars play, she slowly walks down the ramp, and is seeming to be careful to avoid the touch of any fans, and has an arrogant sneer on her face. As she approaches the ring steps, she carefully climbs them before entering the ring. She stands in the center and looks at Dennis Mitchel, who puts the mic to his mouth.

Dennis Mitchel: Ladies and Gentlemen...she is YOUR World’s Heavyweight Champion...Sarahhhhhhhh LAAACKLAAAAAAAN!

As Dennis hands Sarah the mic, we note that her mixture of cheers and boos is heavier in the boos department than they were a week ago. She surveys the crowd with her odd red eyes for a moment before speaking.

Sarah: I stand before...YOUR World’s Champion...and I am in need to address a few matters. But first...chiefly...I am here...to apologize.

She pauses for a moment.

Sarah: It is sincere, from the bottom of my massive, MASSIVE heart, and due. It is an apology concerning works and actions between myself and Roxanne Cotton. Things have been said. Things...dastardly things...have been done. And you, the Coalition audience, have paid the price. You have suffered the brunt. Which is why I stand before you all to beg forgiveness. Please...please...forgive me...for allowing the Coalition to hold Roxanne Cotton up on a pedestal. Please forgive me for allowing Roxanne Cotton to be perceived as anything but the gutter trash she is.

The crowd boos and Sarah holds up her hands.

Sarah: Please! Dear friends! You must understand! It’s my fault! My own fault! Over the last eleven months, the management of this company have been heaping praise onto Roxanne as if she deserved even a shred of it! The fact that spent the entirety of 2018 laying on her back before finding herself in the winner’s cirlce was washed away by the lies of this company! The fact that her greatest achievements of 2018 were FAILING against the Court at the Lord of Trios...FAILING at them again at Wrestlestock...FAILING to defeat Pierce for the Chaos Championship...FAILING to defeat Le Bord de Dieu at Horizons...all of it! Washed away in hopes of having a fresh face! And it is ALL my fault!

Sarah’s face falls into sadness.

Sarah: She defeated me in the finals of the Global Challenge...and that allowed here to take the great prize and throw it in the trash. And as I left this company to find myself, it created a vacuum of excellence that the Consortium needed to fill. And as nature abhors that vacuum, they did what they could to PROP UP Roxanne as being anything more than some two-dimensional bimbo. They allowed her to avoid…

Her face is suddenly full of pain and she clenches her hands tightly on the microphone and the sack.

Sarah: ….allowed her to avoid...the champion, at that time…

She takes a slow breath out and opens her eyes again, her face calmer.

Sarah: ...and instead be treated as a star while in the midcard. They allowed her to squat over the Cross-Hemisphere Championship and relieve her bladder every week against “local talent.” They let her be and do whatever she wanted to be in order to fill that void I left. And so you, the audience, were stuck with an uncaring, undeserving, unwilling woman of middling talent who had to beg to keep her title, and who shined at Grand Slam for but a moment. But in that time, I returned. Healthy. Focused. And I erased my mistake. I took away the pain I caused you all. I destroyed that Consortium’s lie of Roxanne Cotton: World Champion, and have banished her back into the sideshow act she and her camshow deserve to be in. I hope she enjoys whatever “contendership” match against Gabby and the Dark Destroyer she finds herself in at Horizons.

The crowd is now nearly all boos and Sarah smiles.

Sarah: Do you want to know what I told her? Do you want to know the nothing I sweetly whispered to her before I put her down onto the mat so convincingly that each and every word she has ever said to me has found naught but the ash of lies?

Sarah leans in close to the mic, but then smiles and puts distance between them.

Sarah: That’s secret. I am sorry, Coalition fans, but that is just for us. But for you! For YOU! You get what you deserve! You get what you have wanted! You get a World’s Champion who cares! Who is here!

Sarah holds up her hand and ticks off her fingers.

Sarah: Zane Scott was a triple champion who floundered when he had to face competition even hair above that of Mathis. Lucy Wylde allowed herself to spiral into darkness and is better remembered for her epic “Don’t you know who I am?!” moment than her title reign. Vain cared so little about you that he epitomized “Mr Once Every Four or Five Weeks.” And Roxanne gave HIM a run for his money! What felt like a YEAR’S worth of proxy nonsense and idiocy! But now! NOW! You have a TRUE champion who will be here to lead and guide you every step of the way. You have me.

Sarah’s face crunches into pain again and her hands again clench the microphone and sack.

Sarah: I skipped one, of course...I skipped…

She shakes her head.

Sarah: Cat is out of the bag, as they say. You all know. You ALL know. At the same fucking time I did. Let us address it, then.

She licks her lips, eyes still closed.

Sarah: There WAS a champion in there who cared. Who loved you. But it was a lie. It...was… a lie. Like everything else.

She opens her eyes and they are filled with a cold hate.

Sarah: Angelica Vaughn...my sister…

She closes her eyes again in pain.

Sarah: I decree...that no one...NO ONE...is to harm her.

Her eyes snap open.

Sarah: You hear me, Rydell? Deimos? Vain? ALL of you...listen! The Mark of Cain will be on ANYONE who harms her, who hurts her. I WILL punish any that do. Because her scrawny neck? It belongs to ME.

Her hands shake as the crowd boos, but then she visibly calms herself and puts on a wide smile.

Sarah: So! What’s in the bag?!

She slings the bag off her shoulder and upends it. Out from the bags spills a large pile of dollar bills.

Sarah: Global Dollars!

Sarah plops down onto the mat in the middle of the pile.

Sarah: Now, I’m not going to go into my record and all that, but lets just say that I have won a LOT of Global Dollars! And over the last two years, I have spent that money for you! For ALL of you! The first and second Sarah Appreciation Nights! But what some of you may NOT remember, is that a couple of years ago, I also spent money on something else. I felt that I deserved another shot at Lucy and the Cross-Hemisphere Championship. I cashed in for Battleground and won.

She picks up several bricks of bills.

Sarah: And I am doing so again. Not because I deserve something, mind you. I have what I deserve. But for someone else. For something else that someone deserves.

She drops the money onto the mat.

Sarah: Someone hid Angelica from from all throughout Battleground. And then after I put Roxanne’s face into the dirt, I still couldn’t find Angelica. I still couldn’t get my chance to break her goddamn neck. I had to tend to my Beloved, and I had media, and I had 1000 other things. Honestly, I suspect Ichabod. Because Ichabod. But, I still watched when I could. And so I know.

She raises her eyes away from the money and back to the camera.

Sarah: I saw your little alliance, Sister. And just as the Mark of Cain is to be delivered unto those who might harm you before I can do it myself, I will bring reckoning to those who might stand in my way. He’s been begging for you, you know. He’s been pleading. Perhaps even praying. So he shall have it.

She picks up a brick of money.

Sarah: I have cashed in one MILLION of my Global Dollars to fight Konrad Raab in a First Blood Match. Because he deserves it.

She smiles a final time and tosses the mic to Dennis.

[Lord Hastings]

Reese: What a night we’ve had here on Chill, and it is time now for tonight’s main event!

The lights go out and bright green static comes up on the video screen.

“That girl is psycho
Psycho
psycho”

The intro to "Voodoo" by Nyxx fills the arena as green lasers shoot up and wave around the entrance area and blue strobe lights light up the arena. Shapes start to take form in the static on the screen. The silhouette of a petite woman, a cross, a pot leaf, and a skull. They fade in and out, making you wonder if you actually saw them.

“They call me killer, call me some kind of freak
But they keep calling me, they're calling on me
Oh yeah
I've got them praying, sweating and shaking
Now I've got my eye set on you”

Sativa Nevaeh comes out from the back and stands at the top of the ramp looking over the crowd. Despite wearing a mask, you can tell she is smirking. The crowd rains down hate on her. Sativa starts to make her way towards the ring.

“They call me conjurer, they say I'm divine
But shade is poison, my past lovers in mind
Hell yeah, I curse them all
Fathers and brothers, for the hell that they all put me through

I'm psycho, voodoo, that's what they say about me
I've got you under my spell
And I'm psycho, voodoo, that's what they say about me
What will you say about me?”

She makes it to ringside and slides under the bottom rope head first. She crawls over to the nearest turnbuckles and climbs them. She perches atop the ring post, resting one knee upon the top turnbuckle facing inward toward the ring. She throws her head back and takes off the mask, throwing her arms out in a 'welcome the doves' pose. The crowd continues their hatred at her and she just smiles. Sativa grabs the ropes and jumps down. She then heads to her corner and waits for the match to start

Thompson: The following contest is set for one fall and will be NO HOLDS BARRED! Introducing first...representing the Kingdom and being accompanied by Morgan Payne...from the Castle, North Carolina...standing five feet seven inches tall...Darth Ganja, SATIVAAA NEEEEVVVAAAEEEHHH!!

Reese: Sativa Nevaeh is the reigning NFW Women’s World Champion, a title she has held for over four months, accompanied here tonight by her fellow Kingdom member, Morgan Payne.

Chaos: Quite the cookie cutter wench, that one.

Reese: Sativa literally was in a Deathmatch last night, but she has demonstrated herself to be a veteran that can absorb a lot of punishment, not going to let anything stop her from competing here tonight.

20 seconds into "I am the Slime" by Frank Zappa begins to play, soon followed by Johnny Bonecrusher who's in Canada's Greatest Athlete mode. The fans are already booing when Johnny appears, who crosses his arms and shakes his head in disgust at the masses of humanity. A smirk crawls onto his face as his resentment makes way for disdain, as he blows the fans kisses as he makes his way down the aisle. This merely incites them to jeer even louder than before. He stomps up the ring steps, and with his back to the fans, he closes his eyes and raises both arms in the air, finishing off with holding up both pointer fingers. He holds this pose for a few moments before entering the ring, clasping his hands in anticipation for the potential massacre that's to follow.

Thompson: And her opponent...representing Team Johnny and being accompanied by the Sensational Kenzi...standing five feet nine inches all...Canada’s GREATEST Athlete...JOHNNY BONNEEEEECRUSSHHHERRRR!!!!

Reese: Johnny Bonecrusher coming to the ring alongside the reigning Chaos Champion, Kenzi-Grey Lacklan.

Hanson: The Sensational Kenzi!

Reese: These two have had some very dark history between them in 4CW.

Hanson: We’ve all seen the footage of the infamous interview in which Johnny apologized for not gouging Sativa’s eyes out with his thumbs.

Chaos: Well maybe he can just fuckin’ get it done tonight and we won’t have to watch it again.

DING DING!!

Reese: This is a match that people have been waiting years to see, and we’re finally underway!

They both waste no time throwing punches at the other, but Johnny overpowers Sativa and shoves her back into the corner. Johnny stomps away at her, then pulls her up and whips her across the ring into the opposite corner. Johnny charges to tackle Sativa in the corner, but Sativa kicks him in the face at the last moment, and Johnny staggers away. Sativa takes him down and goes to lock in the Keif, but Johnny squirms out.

Reese: Johnny Bonecrusher’s final match could have been over in a hurry if Sativa had managed to lock in that hold!

Hanson: Take it easy there, Canada in general takes some time to get going, and Johnny represents the best of Canada so he’s got to stay true to form.

Sativa pulls Johnny up and whips him across the ring, then goes for a clothesline, but Johnny ducks and spins around, taking Sativa down with a chop block. Johnny quickly turns Sativa onto her back and covers with his elbow under her chin, but Sativa kicks out right away. Johnny pulls Sativa up and goes for a STO, but Sativa breaks free, then cuts behind Johnny and hits a suplex. Sativa bounces off the ropes, but Johnny springs to his feet and hits a spinebuster. He tries to turn Sativa over into a cloverleaf, but she kicks him away.

Reese: Back and forth action in the ring, and what is Kenzi doing on the outside?

Hanson: The Sensational Kenzi!

Chaos: I’ll tell you what she’s doin', she’s puttin' one of our cameramen on his back and ripping the cord out of his camera.  And honestly, I'm fuckin' fine with it, because that dipshit has done nothing but block my view for the last few minutes.

Kenzi passes the cord through the ropes to Johnny, who takes it with a grin. Sativa is starting to get up, but Johnny wraps the cord around her neck and chokes her, and it’s legal in this No Holds Barred matchup! Johnny pulls Sativa to the ropes and hurls him overtop, but holds onto the cord, hanging Darth Ganja over the ropes. Sativa tries desperately to breathe, but the cord is cutting off her air supply. Sativa manages to get her feet onto the apron, and Johnny doesn’t notice. Sativa reaches back and grabs Johnny’s head, then steps off the apron, pulling Johnny’s neck into the ropes. Johnny is catapulted back into the ring as Sativa falls to the outside, where she pulls the cord off and gasps for air.

Reese: A narrow escape by Sativa, that could have been devastating!

Hanson: She's slept through worse, I'm sure!

Kenzi snatches the ring bell from the announcer with a screech before sliding it under the bottom rope to Johnny as Sativa rolls back into the ring herself. Johnny charges and swings the bell at Sativa, but Sativa hits a drop toe hold, then locks Johnny in the Keif! Johnny cries out in agony, but he still has the ring bell, and he smashes it into Sativa’s head, knocking her off and forcing her to release the hold. Johnny drops the bell as he tries to recover.

Reese: Turning point here in the match, they've both taken a lot of punishment!

Hanson: Sativa is accustomed to this, but Johnny Bonecrusher is ready to empty the tank here in Hamilton!

Johnny gets to his feet and tosses Sativa through the ropes to the outside, and Kenzi descends upon her right away, yanking on her hair and screaming at her, as Johnny Bonecrusher has the attention of referee Craig White. Morgan Payne comes running around the side of the ring, and Kenzi yelps and scampers away.

Reese: Payne chasing Kenzi around the ring, she might deserve it after what she just did to Sativa.

Hanson: Impressive the way she runs in those heels.

Chaos: I've seen better.

Kenzi bolts around the ring with Morgan in pursuit, and Kenzi rolls into the ring and out the adjacent side. Morgan follows, but as she slides out of the ring Kenzi is ready and throws a heel at her, catching Morgan in the face and stunning her before Kenzi dropkicks her into the ringpost. Kenzi is pleased with herself, but Sativa grabs her from behind and hurls her into the barricade, yelling at her that she deserved it before Johnny reaches under the ropes and grabs her by the hair, yanking her back and pulling her into the ring. Johnny drags her by her hair, by Sativa swings her leg and kicks him in the face. She pops to her feet and hooks Johnny’s arms from behind.

Crowd: EXECUTE ORDER SIXTY-SIX!

Sativa nails the tiger suplex and bridges for a pin, but Johnny gets his shoulder up at two. Sativa steps through the ropes and climbs the turnbuckle, but Johnny gets to his feet and shakes the ropes, tripping her up. Johnny lifts her off the turnbuckle and into a double shin buster!

Reese: Momentum shifting back to Johnny Bonecrusher!

Hanson: Here comes the Canadian Hat Dance!

A series of stomps to the prone Sativa, and Johnny is pumped up as Kenzi screeches on the outside. She waves to get Johnny’s attention, and then Kenzi throws her remaining heel into the ring and Johnny catches it before spinning and clocking Sativa in the face with it! Kenzi squeals with glee before getting broadsided by a running boot from Morgan Payne!

Hanson: Tastes Like Timbaland Boot, Bitch!

Chaos: They still make those?

Johnny rushes to the ropes to check if Kenzi is okay, but Morgan leaps onto the apron and catches him with a European uppercut! Johnny stumbles back and turns around just as Sativa springs off the mat and drops him with Got ‘Em! Sativa climbs the turnbuckle to the top rope, leaps and connects with the Sonic Screwdriver! She hooks the leg, one, two, three!

Thompson: Here is your winner, SATIVA NEVAEH!!!!!!

Reese: Sativa Nevaeh is victorious here on Chill?

Hanson: And is that it? Is that how the career of Johnny Bonecrusher ends?

Chaos:  Can't believe JBC is gonna wanna go out like that, but time will tell.

Reese: He put in a great effort here tonight, and we’ve had a great year here on Chill! Enjoy the Road to Horizons everyone!


Sativa Nevaeh - 6.93

Johnny Bonecrusher - 6.85