Distant Whispers '08 RESULTS

[Lord Hastings]

Vinegar: Welcome to Distant Whispers, folks. GIW’s first ever international Pay-Per-View! I’m Nicholas Vinegar here with Daniel Hanson and we’ll be calling the action for you here tonight!

Hanson: Wait, what about that one in Canada?

Hanson and Vinegar stare at each other for several moments, before both erupting into laughter.

Vinegar: You’re alright, Dan, you’re alright. But we’ve got a heck of a lot of action to get to, so I say we dive right into it!

'Honor' by Atreyu with an introduction by 'We Will Rock You' by Queen leading into 'Iron Man' by Black Sabbath plays as War and Peace make their way out to the ring.

Dennis: The following match is a first round match of the GIW Tag Team Title Tournament! Introducing the first team... EZEKIEL 'PEACE' PAX AND MAREK 'WAR' DAISUKE!!!

Vinegar: This will be the first match of the round robin contest to decide the first ever Tag Team champions of GIW. War and Peace coming out to a pretty hot reaction as the crowd seems really into the team. These young highfliers hoping to pick up a win here tonight and catapult their careers.

Hanson: Mr. Obvious aside…War and Peace obviously going to act as filler for the upcoming team on their way to being the first ever Tag Team Champions.

“Divine” by Korn plays as Chip Masters and Dredd make their way out to the ring as War and Peace wait on the opposite side of the ring and talk over plans.

Dennis: And the opponents... 'THE AMERICAN CHAMPION' CHIP MASTERS AND 'THE MONSTER' DREDD!!!!

Hanson: Here is the team I have a good feeling about. These two real hot stars in the company with Chip Masters having a win over GIW Legend, Sean Jensen.

Vinegar: His name is Sean Cyanide and I doubt he is a legend.

Hanson: More so than McSkinny.

Vinegar: McSkinny has actually held gold.

Hanson: Lets not delve into that territory. I got in trouble last week for my comments about Chassie Fear. Speaking of which, Hazel East is the referee for tonight. I love referring a Hazel East match. Despite the fact that she is simply the referee.

Vinegar: The two teams staring each other down as they try and decide who will start off the matches tonight. I think they decided that Chip Masters and Peace would be the two to start off the match as Dredd and War back out of the ring.

Bell Rings.

Hanson: Masters tags Dredd in right away! Ha. I think he feels that Peace is too much of a chump to be dealing with, Nick. I love how Masters treats his opponents.

Vinegar: Dredd stepping out, as Peace looks slightly worried. Dredd weighs in at almost two hundred more pounds than peace. He weighs as much as the whole team of War and Peace.

Hanson: Bets placed, emergency crews prepared, and bikini women in place.

Vinegar: Peace charges and dodges a clothesline attempt to go for a springboard off of the rope but Masters knocks him in the face. Peace falls down to his back as Dredd follows up with a giant jumping elbow drop.

Hanson: I can respect these tactics being used in the match.

Vinegar: Dredd lifting up Peace who counters with a sit down jawbreaker, followed by a European uppercut to the chin of Dredd, who stumbles back a step.

Hanson: BAM! A big boot ruins the attempted follow up charge from Peace who is now laid out in the ring.

Vinegar: Tough luck in terms of War and Peace having to take on these two massive hoss’. Dredd lifts up Peace and chunks him; back first, into the corner in which Master’s waits to eventually be tagged in. Dredd with a kick to the gut of Peace who falls to the ground in pain and attempts to cover him self from some of the following stomps.

Hanson: This match does not look like it is going to be much of a nail biter. I predict total owning of War and Peace until Dredd gets bored and pins both of them at the same time.

Vinegar: I guess Dredd doesn’t feel like tagging in because he lifts up Peace and gives him a huge scoop slam. Peace rolling around in pain as Dredd lifts him with one hand to his feet.

Hanson: He’s dragging him by the neck with one arm to the corner and just pounding his head into the buckle!!!!! HA! Peace’s head just bouncing feet from the pad only to be sent back into the padding! Ha. His body is so small compared to Dredd.

Vinegar: WOW! WAR JUST RUNS ALONG THE LINE OF THE RING AND HITS A KNEE TO THE HEAD OF DREDD WHO STUMBLES BACK INTO HIS OWN CORNER AND MASTERS TAGS HIMSELF IN!

Hanson: I wish you wouldn’t have yelled so much because Master’s just goes straight to throwing some punches into the ribs of Peace who still can’t find his footing.

Vinegar: Master’s lifts up Peace and hits a belly-to-belly on Peace who flies quite high into the air. War looking desperate as he watches Peace handle some crazy amounts of damage.

Hanson: One kick, two kick, three hard kicks. Four kicks, five kick, six legal kicks. Seven kick, ,eight kick, oh my god!

Vinegar: War with a missile dropkick out of nowhere to the chest of Master’s who flies back for a second. Hazel ushering out War as Peace gets to his feet after being stomped on by Master’s a couple of times.

Hanson: War and Peace are the legit cheaters of the day as Master’s and Dredd attempt to play fair.

Vinegar: Wrong, Hanson, because Master’s was the original one to attack Peace at the very beginning of the match!

Hanson: Look at that, Nick. Peace tried to go for the tag even with the help and couldn’t because Master’s is too much of a technician in the ring to let it happen.

Vinegar: Master’s pulling Peace away as War almost had his hands in connection with Peace. Master’s locking in a single leg boston crab.

Hanson: I hope Peace taps out and the team quits the rest of the tournament so we can save some TV time on these losers. Maybe give Master’s and Dredd some more TV time.

Vinegar: Or more Jensen TV time…

Hanson: War and Peace isn’t that bad. I mean…buy single brand deodorant…

Vinegar: You’re a joke, Hanson, but I can agree that boston crab is masterly put in. Peace doesn’t seem like he has a chance in hell in getting out of that move.

Hanson: Wow, look at the new way Master’s is pulling Peace’s leg over his shoulder to increase pressure to his back. War bouncing all over the ring in some lame attempt to rally up the crowd.

Vinegar: No lame attempt, Hanson, because the crowd is chanting War and Peace’s names as loud as I have ever experienced. They really want Peace to escape that modified boston crab.

Hanson: I enjoy when the fans don’t get what they want at times, Nick. NO!

Vinegar: PEACE MANAGES TO MANEVUER HIS LEG OVER MASTER’S OTHER SHOULDER AND PULLS OUT A MODIFIED HURRICARANA!!! Master’s is dazed and PEACE JUMPS FOR THE TAG AND WAR IS IN!

Hanson: Focus up, Master’s!

Vinegar: Master’s jumps at him with a clothesline but War dunks and springboards off friendly ropes into a back elbow to the face of Master’s who rolls back from the force. War doesn’t let up at all and runs up the corner turnbuckles and jumps off with a BEAUTIFUL moonsault!

Hanson: AH! Master’s must be sick or something because he would usually not let these kinds of things happen!

Vinegar: That moonsault was a beauty but Master’s being taken to the ground was greater. Master’s rolling around with his head in hand as War bounces off to the ropes and jumps into a flying lariat to the head of Master’s. War gaining massive momentum and tags in Peace.

Hanson: Peace is too weak from earlier and will surely lose the momentum that War tried to hard to get!

Vinegar: I doubt so because both of them drop Master’s with a double STO. I wonder where Dredd has gone…

Hanson: THERE HE IS! Dredd slides into the ring with a chair and swings at Peace who bounces off of the ropes with a kick to Dredd who falls back and trips over War who was hunched over.

Vinegar: I like when you get so into the match that you accidentally commentate the people you dislike doing well. I’ll take over as Peace springboards a moonsault off the ropes right onto Master’s. Cover!

Hazel: 1!

Hazel: 2!

Hazel: WOW!

Vinegar: WOW!

Hanson: WOW!

Vinegar: Dredd lifts up Peace with one hand! Right into the air and Peace is struggling to free himself! War attempts to help but Hazel pushes him outside of the ring. Dredd getting to his feet without letting go of Peace.

Hanson: FINISH HIM DREDD!

Vinegar: HE HITS PEACE WITH A MASSIVE HEADBUTT WHO BOUNCES BACK INTO REVERSE DDT FROM MASTER’S WHO RECOVERED OUT OF NOWHERE!

Hazel: 1!

Hazel: 2!

Hazel: 3!

Dennis: Your winners, via pinfall... CHIP MASTERS AND DREDD!!!

Hanson: YAY!

Vinegar: Hazel was trying to push War back out of the ring and forgot that Dredd had got a hold of Peace which allowed them to take advantage and put Peace away for the three count. I suppose it is luck and teamwork that got them the win. It could be what wins them the Tag Gold in the end though.

Chip Masters and ‘The Monster’ Dredd (9)
Ezekiel ‘Peace’ Pax and Marek ‘War’ Daisuke (7)

[Lord Hastings]

Hanson: And now, GIW officially gets sued. How could they agree to let Andy Savana do this?!

Vinegar: I don't know partner, but I do know that even with the odds so obviously stacked against him, we still better not underestimate Submission Psychopath, Andy Savana. And here he comes!

(The fans get to their feet as 'Bullet with Butterfly Wings' rips through the PA, and moments later, Savana steps out, lugging a mirror under his right arm.)

Dennis: The following contest is a first round match of the GIW Tag Team Title Tournament! Introducing first, ANDY SAVANA AND RIBZ!!!

Hanson: Oh Jesus...

(Savana grins and raises his brow at the audience members and slides the mirror into the ring, carefully. Before climbing in himself, he turns his neck, until it looks like it's going to twist off, and the people in the first row shudder and show disgust on their face as a loud POP! is heard. Savana turns the other way, and a series of really loud Pops can be heard. Exhaling deeply and exclaiming to no one in particular that he 'feels better', Savana hops onto the ring apron and climbs in, before propping the mirror against the turnbuckle, careful to avoid eye contact. Suddenly, the ominous playing of 'All Nightmare Long' drowns out Savana's theme, and the audience begins booing heavily, even as the pyros go off and the entrance stage is engulfed in flames.)

Dennis: And the opponents... 'HARDCORE' DYLAN JAMES AND SEAN CYANIDE!!!!

Hanson: The spirituality of these men is really inspiring, Nick. I don't think anyone else matches these men in faith.

Vinegar: Spirituality, nothing. I know a Cult when I see one...and besides, we have Solomon...

Hanson: Cult? Bah! If they were a Cult would my $400 donation be going toward the betterment of my inner chakras from past lives??

Vinegar: Oh God...

(The Trio of Sean, Dylan and Christina rises stoicly through the flames, Dylan looking like he's ready to deck the booing fans, Christina hanging on him sluttishly, and Sean merely grinning wide with his arms folded and his aviators reflecting the flames. Suddenly the flames go out and the three begin walking down toward the ring, Sean with Bible in hand, clearly pumped by Metallica. Dylan all the while is questioning the sexuality of many booing fans crudely, until finally a lone fan-a shapely woman- screams her support at Dylan. In the blink of an eye Christina and the fan are catfighting, with security struggling to break them up. Sean keeps walking, unfazed, but Dylan stops and looks at the situation, finally screaming at Christina, who reluctantly breaks off the brutal conflict, and goes back to walking with Dylan. Sean slides into the ring, as Dylan hops on the apron and holds it open for Christina to step through, before climbing in himself. Sean all this time has been waiting, and the two look at each other and nod once before each hopping on seperate turnbuckles. Sean reading his manifesto to booing fans, and Dylan has more colorful insults for the men in the audience, and their girlfriends. Christina just laughing and hanging back...)

Vinegar: You think they'd be a little nicer to the people who make their jobs possible...

Hanson: Why? Who cares what a bunch of tools think about you?

Vinegar: Mainly so you don't end up a conceited little pervert who walks around with his head up his-

Hanson: BOR-ING! Anyway, the bell's rung...we'll be starting with Dylan and...Savana...

Vinegar: And we are underway in this tag match!

Hanson: Handicap...

Vinegar: Shush. Dylan James and Savana lock up-Knee to Dylan's Stomach! And he is shoved with power into his corner, his eyes wide at the power of Savana!

Hanson: Yeah, aren't retards often really strong or something? OW! That was my ear!

Vinegar: Now you'll have to hear the other one to hear yourself when you speak. Anyway, Dylan tags in Sean, who leaps over the top rope, charges at Savana, who lands a nasty shoulder block! Sean down, but rolls back to his knees...

Hanson: And rolls out of the way of a clothesline attempt! Cyanide going for a spear, but gets grabbed and thrown into the air, into the mat hard! Savana laughing, turning to press the offense-and stopped...wow, he must really like his face tonight or something...that makes one of us, uggo! Ha!

Vinegar: And now, Savana not going for his usual offense, merely goading Cyanide into standing up! Cyanide does so, clearly upset, and when Savana demands Sean hit him, Sean complies! A barrage of rights, bringing Savana to one knee, but he just starts laughing! That Savana is a madman!

Hanson: And who better to deal with a Madman then the Mad Hatter of Violence?? Savana pressing zero offense, not even when Sean goes for an STO! PLANTS IT! And he is laughing, pointing down at Savana, laughing with Dylan!

Vinegar: But they change their tune when Savana merely kips up to his feet, and popping his neck! His arms crossed, Sean slowly steps back, and tags in James! OH THIS IS SICK! BOTH MEN CHARGE! DOUBLE CLOTHESLINE, AND THEY ARE JUST STOMPING THE LIVING HELL OUT OF SAVANA!

Hanson: Both men taking the smart approach, trying to wear down that lunatic! He's probably not even feeling any of this!

Vinegar: I can't argue with you, as Savana pushes both men off of him, and rises to his feet! Either men on either side of him, against the ropes! Hazel, though shaken, tries to get Sean out the ring, BUT IS STOPPED BY SAVANA! HE WANTS THEM BOTH INSIDE!

Hanson: That settles it, he is trying to sue us! And Hazel's going along with it! WHAT THE CRAP, BABE?! OH SHUT UP MITCHEL, I'M NOT EVEN TRYING TO HIT ON HER!

Vinegar: And now, Savana facing Dylan! James ghostly white, tells Savana to look behind him. Savana complies, sees Sean charging, and OH MY GOD, CYANIDE AND JAMES HIT THE BLACK DEATH! SAVANA MAY BE DEAD!

Hanson: And James, the legal man, going for the pin.

Hazel:

1! 2! KICKOUT!

Vinegar: And Jesus, Savana shrugs James off of him, springs to his feet, and kicks Sean into the turnbuckle with authority! James getting up, and gets chucked INTO SEAN! Savana laughing, turns around, and looks into the mirror! OH MY GOD!

Hanson: Wow...maybe a delayed brain reaction?

Vinegar: I don't know what it is, but Savana finally feeling the effects of that assault and screams as he goes face down on the mat, eyes shut tight in pain!

Hanson: Yeah, and James sees this...but look at this! Oh, NOW Hazel enforces the rules!

Vinegar: And Sean complies as James stalks the tortured Savana. Savana almost to his feet, and receives a German Suplex for his troubles! And the man is screaming into the mat in agony!

Hanson: And now, James going for the pin. Smart move, this is the perfect time.

Hazel:

One!

Two!!

THRE-KICKOUT!!

Vinegar: My god, that was a fraction! Any later and Savana would have been eliminated!

Hanson: And James can't believe it, look at him!

Vinegar: Oh and look at this, Dylan gripping his fingers into the hair of Savana, who is struggling and trying weakly to break the hold, he knows what's comming-And now, he is perfectly still, looking at himself in the mirror...what in the world...

Hanson: Well that ain't helping him now! JAMES HITS IT! X MARKS THE SP-

Vinegar: NO! DYLAN LANDS ON HIS ASS, LOOKING UP AT SAVANA IN DISBELIEF, BY HIS NECK MUSCLES ALONE HE DIDN'T GO DOWN WITH JAMES! AND NOW HE SPRINGS STANDING-OH MY GOD! JAMES HAS BEEN SENT FLYING INTO HIS CORNER!

Hanson: And now Savana just laughing, motioning to James to tag Sean, as James struggles to his feet...Savana looking behind him now-

Vinegar: And now is clutching his neck in pain and going to his knees, and Hanson I have to ask, are you as confused as I am?!

Hanson: Most definitely man, and I think Cyanide is as confused as anyone, but he isn't going to let this go to waste...he grabs Savana, hooks the arms, oh, Nick, you know what's comming next!

Vinegar: I CERTAINLY DO! AND SEAN FLIPS AND LANDS THAT BRUTAL CYANIDE DRIV-

Hanson: WHAT THE FUCK?!

Vinegar: SAVANA MID-WAY THROUGH LANDS ON HIS FEET, SWINGS HIS BODY AND SENDS CYANIDE HURTLING FACE-FIRST INTO HIS CORNER, BUSTING HIM OPEN BRUTALLY!

Hanson: And he's not finished!

Vinegar: While Cyanide doesn't know where he is, James blind-tags himself in and goes for a Running Clothesline-NO! Savana ducks the arm, spins James around, and lands a nasty Sit Down Jawbreaker!

Hanson: oh, thank god, here comes Cyanide-

Vinegar: AND IS SLAMMED FACEDOWN WITH A BRUTAL SIDEWALK SLAM! SAVANA DOESN'T WASTE TIME, AND LOCKS IN SAVANA'S CHAMBER OF PAIN! CYANIDE SCREAMING AND TAPS, BUT HE ISN'T THE LEGAL MAN!!

Hanson: But Savana doesn't care, Nick, he's just keeping it locked in! And look, James is struggling to his feet...

Vinegar: And goes straight down again as Savana stands and swings Sean into James by the legs! Sean goes flying facefirst out the ring and into the cement!

Hanson: So sick!

Vinegar: James almost to his feet, but eats and Enzuigiri! He looks like he doesn't know where he is!

Hanson: But Savana isn't done! He grabs James-FALLAWAY SLAM!!

Vinegar: And James is laid out cold...Savana grins and gleams...looks at the Mirror...AND STAGGERS AGAINST THE ROPES! HE LOOKS LIKE HE JUST GOT HIT WITH A MAC TRUCK!

Hanson: But nontheless, he's climbing the turnbuckle! Ahh, but Christina's a devoted woman!

Vinegar: Christina trying to cost Savana the match by climbing on the turnbuckle and grabbing his leg! BUT SAVANA ISN'T HAVING ANY OF IT! GRABS CHRISTINA'S ARMS, HOISTS HER UP! FULL NELSON DROP, AND CHRISTINA'S BACK HITS THE COLD CEMENT!

Hanson: THAT BASTARD! DOESN'T HE KNOW NOT TO HIT A LADY?!

Vinegar: CHRISTINA ADAMS IS NO LADY! AND SAVANA TAKING A BREATH, LEAPS OFF!

Hanson: JESUS!

Vinegar: SAVANA'S SUICIDE DIVE! AND SAVANA IS OUT COLD ON TOP OF JAMES, HAZEL EAST COUNTS!

HAZEL EAST:

ONE!!!

TWO!!!

THREEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!

BELL: DING, DING! DIDN'T KNOW I COULD FUCKING TALK, COULDYA?!

VINEGAR: SHUT UP, BELL, THE MATCH IS OVER! SAVANA PULLED THROUGH!! OH MY GOD, HE LOOKS DEAD!

Dennis: Your winners, via pinfall, ANDY SAVANA AND... AND RIBZ!!!!!

Hanson: Jeeez...you think he can do it? You think he can be the first man to capture both Titles-By Himself??

VINEGAR: ONLY TIME WILL TELL, BUT SON OF A BITCH, SAVANA EARNED HIS WIN TONIGHT!!!!

Andy Savana and Ribz (10)
‘Hardcore’ Dylan James and Sean Cyanide (7)

[Lord Hastings]

Vinegar: What a match that last one was.

Hanson: Yeh, pity Andy Savana was involved.

Vinegar: Next we've got our Triple Threat match between Michael Cappeli, Chassie Fear and Solomon.

Hanson: Cappeli is the only guy worth watching in this match.

Dennis: Coming to the ring, hailing from Houston, TX, it's Michael “Nightmare” Cappeli!!!!!

The arena becomes red and a white spot light runs around the arena as if in searching for Michael Cappeli. “Stranglehold” by Ted Nugent starts to play and the light quickly rushes to the arena's entrance and shines down on Cappeli. Cappeli struts to the ring with a bounce in his step as if he runs the whole place. He has a very smug not a care in the world look on his face. He's not to giving off any signs of intimidation.. He takes his sweet time getting to the ring and calmly climbs in. He raises one hand with his fist tightly clinched and a look of complete hatred and anger in his face.

Hanson: Look at him Nick, he's intense. He's angry. He's full of hatred. He can't be beat!!

Vinegar: We'll see once the match begins.

Hanson: Wanna bet on it?

Vinegar: No.

Dennis: Coming to the ring, weighing in at 120lbs, it is CHASSIE FEAR!!!

The lights cut to black and red and white strobe lights alternate in beat with the rapid music as “Cyanide Sweet Tooth Suicide” Starts to play. Chassie walks swiftly onto the stage, looking at the people for a moment, then as the lyrics hit she descends the ramp, breaking into a run about halfway down. When she reaches the ring she jumps, grabbing the top rope and springing herself up, flipping in the air and landing on her feet. She runs to a random turnbuckle and plants her feet on the corners of the middle turnbuckle, throwing up the horns and head banging briefly. Then she calmly jumps down and begins to stretch, waiting for her opponent with bloodlust in her eyes.

Hanson: I'd do her.

Vinegar: I'm sure Chinatsu would be pleased to hear that.

Hanson: We'll just keep it between me and you.

Vinegar: And all the fans around the world watching on PPV. You know her uncle Komosube is probably watching back in Japan.

Hanson: I'm not afraid of that Chinse Sumo Ninja.

Dennis: And their opponent, coming to the ring from Rome Italy, weighing in at 165lbs, it is Solomon!!

Hanson: I don't like the monk, too preachy.

Vinegar: You're just afraid that he'll make you see a catholic priest for confession and you'll never get away.

Hanson: Hay! I told you not to mention. I told you what the priests did to me when I was a small boy.

Vinegar: What? Made you sing in the choir.

DING! DING! DING!

Hanson: See I told you, Cappeli was smart. He's waiting in the corner as Chassie and Solomon lock up in the middle of the ring, Solomon with a hammerlock on Chassie.

Vinegar: And she counters into her own hammerlock, with Solomon in turn counters and drops down into a single leg takedown. Chassie bounces up into a hiptoss by Solomon, she's back to her feet and Solomon returns with another hip toss.

Hanson: NO! Countered into a a hiptoss of her own. And look at Cappeli with that smug look on his face. Chassie Fear with a side headlock on Solomon. He tries to lift up and out of the move, but she flips through the move and is on her feet behind Solomon.

Vinegar: He turns around and ducks a clothesline from Chassie, he comes back and she ducks a clothesline of his. They both pause and look at each other. Cappeli is golf clapping them in the corner. Both of them look at Cappeli in the corner, and charge at him. DOUBLE DROPKICK!!

Hanson: Lucky shot.

Vinegar: Cappeli's head bounces off the turnbuckle. Solomon drops to his knees and cross his chest and starts praying. Chassie picks Cappeli up and whips him to the other corner and follows in the and elbow to the nose. She monkey flips him out of the corner. Looks like you boy isn't doing to well there.

Hanson: That's im not talking until Nightmare hits a move or this match ends.

Vinegar: WHAT A RELIEF FOR THE FANS!! AND MY EARS!! Chassie has hits Cappeli with a tornado DDT and his head smashes into the mat with violence. Chassie gets to her feet and waits for Cappeli to get up... SOCCER KICK TO THE FACE!! That was some ricochet by Cappeli's head there.

Hanson: ....

Vinegar: I can't believe you actually shutup. Chassie picks Cappeli up and BOOM! Facebuster!! Chassie isn't even wasting time going for the pin, guys. She has picked Cappeli up and whiped him into the ropes... drop toe hold!! Oh, she postioned that perfectly so when Cappeli came down his throat bounced off the top rope!! That's gotta hurt!! Right, Daniel!

Hanson: ....

Vinegar: I wish you shutup more often. I can't believe is still in the corner praying not actually taking part in the match. Chassie goes to the top rope and comes down with a picture perfect moonsault on the prone body of Cappeli. She looks over at Solomon and sees he is basically out of the match. Come on, Daniel this is getting tedious. Say something. I can't believe I just asked you to talk.

Hanson: ...

Vinegar: Chassie looks back at Cappeli. Is she going for a cover? NO! She grabs Cappeli, who is barely moving right now, and lifts him to his feet. She lifts him onto her shoulders into a fireman's carry. She is stronger than she looks.... DEATH VALLEY DRIVER!!! INTO A LEGDROP!!! WHATAMOVE!! Chassie is pumped up here. Completely on fire and Cappeli is basically dead. Chassie picks him up... TWILIGHT!!!

Hanson: ...

Vinegar: Solomon stops praying and gets to his feet, Chassie Fear sees him, and rather than covering Cappeli she charges up since he in the only threat in this match right now, no, Solomon just throws her out of the ring, she goes over the top rope and hits her head on the guardrail. Looks like she might be out cold. That was pretty lucky for Solomon and unlucky for Chassie.

Hanson: ....

Vinegar: Solomon lifts Cappeli to his feet, and he is barely standing and Solomon drops him with with a right hook. Was that the Hand of God? Either way since my broadcast partner is still refusing to talk. It's a moot point. Solomon jumps up and lands a frankensteiner on Cappeli and is laying into him with fists of fury... Oh look, he's stopped. Solomon gets to his feet and is praying again. THAT'S IT!!! Solomon just hit Cappeli with his finisher known as LORD GIVE ME STRENGTH!!!!

ONE!!!


TWO!!!


THREE!!!

Hanson: ...

Dennis: HERE IS YOUR WINNER, SOLOMON!!!!

Vinegar: You can talk now Daniel.

Hanson: .... That was disgraceful! They drugged Cappeli that is the only way he couln't have won.

Vinegar: You still wanna take a bet?

Hanson: Of course, my predictions are never wrong unless shenanigans are involved. Tell you what, if Travis Roberts doesn't win tonight's main event. I will play “Sweet Home Alabama” on the harmonica next week on Sentinel in the ring... NAKED!

Vinegar: Deal!!

Solomon (10)
Chassie Fear (8)
Michael Cappeli (-2)

[Lord Hastings]

Haunted starts to play and Calypso Desmona crawls out to the top of the ramp.

Dennis: The following contest in a First Blood match and is for the GIW Women’s Championship! Introducing first the challenger! Fighting out of Hartford, Connecticut, The Mistress of Pain! Calypso Desmonaaaaaaaaaaa!!!

Vinegar: Here comes the challenger for the first of our three title matches here tonight and the first of two first blood matches.

Calypso gets to her feet and makes her way down to the ring to a mixture of boos and cheers from a split crowd. She slides in under the bottom rope and stands back up as he music cuts out.

Envy starts to play and the arena lights turn purple and gold. Gabrielle and Diamond Jack walk out, side by side but not holding hands.

Vinegar: Looks like there may be a little friction here still. It’ll be interesting to see how this one goes.

Gabrielle takes the title from around her waist and holds it above her head while Jack follows a couple of steps behind.

Dennis: And now the Champion! Accompanied to the ring by Jack Severino, from Auckland New Zealand. Gabrielllllllllllllle!!!

Hanson: I can’t believe this Nick. How can they put a Princess in a match as brutal as this?

Vinegar: You remember Gabrielle chose this stipulation herself right?

Hanson: No she can’t have. Someone must have pushed her into it. It was Jack! He still wants to see her get hurt! I’m not fooled. He set this up!

Vinegar: I doubt that. Everyone knows Gabrielle wears the trousers in the relationship.

Gabrielle climbs up onto the ring apron and hands Hazel East the belt before climbing between the bottom and middle ropes.

Vinegar: Looks like this one is about to get underway. You got any predictions partner?

Hanson: I don’t even want to think about it.

Vinegar: Great, maybe you won’t speak then. The pair of them sizing up to each other. Desmona looking down on the slightly shorter champion. They seem to be exchanging words and I don’t think the challenger likes what Gabrielle said cause she just knocked her to the ground with a stiff right hand. Gabrielle quickly up to her feet though but only to be driven back to the ropes.

Hanson: Oh this is horrible…

Vinegar: I think it’s going to get a whole lot worse by the time this is over. Irish whip by Desmona.

Hanson: Gabrielle ducks the clothesline attempt…

Vinegar: But runs straight into that back elbow. Calypso running now, off the ropes and hit’s a snap leg drop.

Hanson: I mean no-one wants ketchup with their caramel. It’s just not right.

Vinegar: Calypso dragging Gabrielle back up and hits her with a coconut crush. You don’t see that very often. Gabrielle’s clutching her head and Desmona’s giving the referee space to check her.

Hanson: No. There’s no blood. This one’s still on.

Vinegar: The Mistress of Pain pulls Gabrielle back up by the champion pushes her back into the corner and unloads with the right forearm strikes.

Hanson: Phew.

Vinegar: Calypso switches them around though the unleashes some right hands of her own, but gets cut off by a rake to the eyes. The Diamond Princess bursts out of the corner with a heavy northern lariat.

Hanson: Beautiful move. This should be a taste of things to come. Calypso’s still down.

Vinegar: Gabrielle following it up with the foot stomps and she drives Desmona out of the ring under the bottom rope.

Gabrielle walks around the ring quickly while Calypso slumps against the crowd barriers. As Gabrielle gets back towards the ropes Calypso grabs her feet and pulls her down and out of the ring.

Vinegar: Gabrielle giving her opponent a little too long to recover I think there and paying for it now as she unloads with haymakers against the apron.

Hanson: Jack’s coming round and shouting something at Desmona.
Vinegar: Whatever it is, it’s distracting her and she’s ceased her onslaught to turn to the Blue Eyed Devil.

After some more heated words Calypso knees Jack in the balls and he doubles over.

Vinegar and Hanson: Ooooooooooooh.

Vinegar: Diamond Jack paid for that one.

Hanson: But so did Calypso, Gabrielle catching her with a dropkick as she turns back.

Vinegar: The distraction seemingly doing it’s job and Gabrielle just threw her into the steel ring steps, followed by more stomps. She seems to be lining up a run up. Running knee smash, but Calypso gets out of the way and Gabrielle slams her knee into the steps.

Hanson: Oh that’s not good. Get back in the ring Gabrielle, it’s safe there.

Vinegar: I wouldn’t say anywhere here is safe partner. Calypso up again and just chop blocked that bad knee, sending Gabrielle to the ground. She’s got her by the hair again, pulling her up. Great display of strength as she gets her off the ground and snake eyes her over the barriers, then shoves her back into the apron.

Hanson: Ok I’m not watching, starting from now.

Vinegar: Calypso rolls her back up into the ring and stomps a few more times on that knee.

Hanson: Why’s she working the knee? She’s not going to get that to bleed.

Vinegar: I thought you weren’t watching.

Hanson: I’m not I can hear you.

Vinegar: Touché. Well Calypso drags her across the floor into the corner and starts raking that boot across the face of the Diamond Princess. Grabs her feet now and pulls her out of the corner, dropping her hard on her back.

Hanson: Be quiet, I don’t wanna know.

Vinegar: Maybe not, but the fans do, suck it up. Gabrielle back up and the Witch Woman whips her into the corner. Runs in, going for a monkey flip.

Hanson: Gabrielle lands on her feet though.

Vinegar: I thought you weren’t watching.
Hanson: I peaked.

Vinegar: Well I don’t think Calypso knows Gabrielle recovered and she just turned straight into a Hurracanrana.

Hanson: Ok I’m looking again. Gabrielle telling Jack to get her a chair.

Vinegar: He still doesn’t look like he’s completely recovered from that shot earlier but he’s on his feet and he just threw our timekeeper Vick Ace out of his chair and threw it onto the ring. That maybe wasn’t smart.

Hanson: Why not?

Vinegar: Because Vick just he head butted him and Jack’s back on the ground.

Hanson: That was even less smart. The damn timekeeper can’t win a fight with a superstar like Diamond Jack.

Vinegar: Well for whatever reason Jack’s letting it slide for the moment, whether he’s just recovering or what I don’t know. In the ring though Gabrielle’s got the chair and just slammed it over Calypso’s head as she tries to get to her feet and this time Hazel East is checking on the challenger.

Hanson: Dammit she’s clean.

Vinegar: Gabrielle doesn’t seem happy about that and she’s going crazy with that chair. Nothing Calypso can do but cover up until Gabrielle is done and throws the trashed chair away. Hazel East checking her again but she still seems to be ok.

Hanson: I can’t believe it Nick.

Vinegar: Gabrielle can’t either and she’s got Calypso back up and just gave her a Taste of Canvas.

Hanson: Did that do it?

Vinegar: I don’t think so. Calypso just rolled out of the ring again. Gabrielle off the ropes and hits her with a baseball slide.

Hanson: Diamond Jack’s letting Vick Ace off and makes his way around towards the ramp where the women are.

Vinegar: He seems to be a little quieter this time around though. Gabrielle grabs Calypso and just whipped her into the ring post. She goes down but only for a moment as Gabrielle takes her legs and catapults her back into it from the other side.
Hanson: Oh god that was brutal. Go Gabbie!

Vinegar: You don’t seem so bothered about this match anymore.

Hanson: Nope, Gabrielle’s winning, we’re not gonna see her busted open. It’s ok.

Vinegar: Your unbiased commentary always impresses me. Calypso crawling away up the ramp as Gabrielle stops to pose for the crowd.

Hanson: I think she’s given up. It looks like she’s running away.

Vinegar: I seriously doubt that. Gabrielle just noticed though and grabbed a chair off a fan in the front row. She gone off in pursuit.

Hanson: I think she’s going to put this one away right here. Wait, what’s Calypso doing?

Vinegar: I think she’s trying to curse the champion before she gets to her. Not sure how effective it’s going to be though.

Hanson: Not at all I bet.

Vinegar: Or maybe it is. Gabrielle hesitates for a second as she raises the chair and Calypso just springboard dropkicked it into her face off the barriers. Hazel East is down there to check it.

Hanson: No, it’s good. It’s good.

Vinegar: Calypso sweeps up the chair and it may be her turn to lay on the shots.

Hanson: No, Jack’s just grabbed the chair and pulled it out of her hands.

Vinegar: Blatant interference but nothing the referee can do about it. Wait, is Severino going to hit Calypso with the chair?

Hanson: I think she deserves it after that cheap shot earlier.

Vinegar: I don’t think it’s going to happen. Donovan Hastings just charged out from the back and hit a Lou Thesz Press on Diamond Jack and he’s unloading on him. About time this match got evened out.

Hanson: Gabrielle’s back up and just charged at Desmona, takes her down with a spear.

Vinegar: All hell is breaking loose here as Hastings and Severino and brawling down by the ring apron and Gabrielle is dragging Calypso to the top of the ramp by her hair.

Hanson: She got her on her front. Wrenching the hair back-

Vinegar: Curb stomp! Brutal curb stomp at the top of the ramp and I think Calypso is out. Hazel East has given up trying to split up the men and has charged up the ramp, but Gabrielle’s already got Calypso back up. Oh no, what she thinking?

Hanson: This could be the 34 Double DDT.

Vinegar: Not up there surely. She’s setting it up. No, she’s heading for the edge. No, no, no.

Hanson: Yes! Yes! Yes!

Vinegar: OH MY GOD! Gabrielle just hit the 36 Double DDT off the ramp onto the concrete below! I can’t believe it!

Hanson: Check her Hazel!

Vinegar: Oh my God! Calypso Desmona is bust wide open. This one is over. There’s blood everywhere.

Ding! Ding! Ding!

Dennis: Here is your winner and still GIW Women’s Champion! Gabrielllllllle!!!

Hanson: I knew she could do it.

Hazel East holds Gabrielle’s arm up, still unsteady on her feet. Vick Ace makes his way over and hands her the belt which she holds up as high as she can. Down by the ring referees and security have broken Hastings and Severino up, Hastings looking like he came out better off. He goes to check on Calypso while Gabrielle climbs back up onto the ramp and walks away.

Gabrielle (11)
Calypso Desmona (8)

[Lord Hastings]

We are in the backstage area of the O2 Arena, just moments before the second first blood match of the night, Randy Boolzian vs Chinatsu Chen for the Hardcore Title. The hustle and bustle of show time is evident as ring crew, roadies and other members of GIW staff rush around the place making busy. The camera soon focuses on the one and only owner of Global Impact Wrestling, The Significant Player himself, Declan Prescott.

He strides through the masses of workers, giving them the same acknowledgment as most people give your average homeless beggar. The founder of GIW makes his way down the hallway with a self-satisfied grin on his face, never deviating from his path, forcing his employee’s to make way for him, rather than change his course. That is until he spots GIW’s Janitor, Bones, lurking in front of him, and rather than risk an unpleasant encounter he swiftly sidesteps, and continues on his way.

Soon he reaches a door with a large gold plate that reads ‘Global Heavyweight Champion : Travis Roberts’, he knocks and quickly enters, Travis is standing, leaning against a table, with the Global heavyweight Title resting on his right shoulder, as soon as Declan enters he picks up a TV remote and quickly turns to ‘The Significant Player’.

Travis – ‘Travis Roberts thinks we may well have a problem, watch this…’

‘The Blessed One’ switches on the TV, and the image of a blonde, female newscaster appears on screen, with the words ‘Breaking News’ stretching across the bottom of the screen. The woman begins speaking in an English accent.

Newscaster – ‘The current spate of gang related crime sweeping the capital seems to have escalated to new, unimaginable heights this evening. We have received information of a shocking crime that has rocked the foundations of London to it’s core.’

‘At 9PM this evening police attended a house in Hackney, in the East End of London, after passersby and local residents complained of screams coming from within. When the Police reached the address they were greeted by reinforced steel doors and windows, suggesting to them that this was a major Drug Dealers den. Having called for backup, and after using specialist equipment they made their way into the building. What they found inside shocked them.

The bodies of 18 adult males, all of Jamaican descent, were found brutally murdered within the house. Whilst details are sketchy, the police believed the murderer used several different techniques to kill his victims, who were all heavily armed, and reports suggest the scene inside was like something from a Hollywood slasher movie. Police have identified two of the bodies as the brothers, Rodney ‘Tragic’ and Desmond ‘Fisty’ Osman. The Osman Brothers have long been wanted for question by the Metropolitan Police in connection with various Vice Rings, Drug Deals and Murders in and around the Capital.

Police are asking any witnesses to come forward, as they are baffled as to how anyone managed to get inside, and disarm the 18 victims and get out in time. Apparently the only entrance that was not reinforced with steel was a cat flap. They are appealing for any leads, and are guaranteeing protection for anyone who comes forward.

They would also like help in locating a man caught on camera speeding away from the scene at the approximate time of the crime. He was driving a Blue Ford Escort, and was apparently short ins stature, around 4 foot tall, and wearing a mask, which witnesses said look something like this:’

Rather than show us the picture, the camera cuts to Declan’s reaction which is at first one of bemusement, then one of straight out confusion.

Declan – ‘Is that…eD?’

Travis – ‘Looks like it…’

Declan – ‘Hang on a minute…eD…your agent…furry little headache…is wanted in connection with the deaths of 18 Jamaican Yardies? Something doesn’t add up…’

Travis – ‘Travis Roberts knows eD isn’t capable of that, the dude literally doesn’t have the strength to swat flies…but it got ‘The Blessed One’ thinking about that damn Fairclough and his questions at the airport.’

Declan – ‘You said the guy got some bad info, probably from Mary-Joanna or something. Whats that got to do with this…’

Travis – ‘It’s the Penguin…that’s what they wanted to know about, obviously ‘The Blessed One’ knew better than to let them know about his problems with that damn bird, but eD thought he was stalking him…but he’s always paranoid so ‘The Headliner’ just dismissed it…’

Declan – ‘Seriously? Stealing your sink I can buy, but this? The brutal murder of nearly twenty gang members?’

Travis - ‘Yeah well, it makes more sense than eD doing it, and we haven’t seen him since he disappeared at the airport. Travis Roberts naturally assumed he’d got himself raped and mugged after doing a misjudged Dick van Dyke Impression in Trafalgar Square...”Chim Chimeny Chim Chim Cheimeny Chim Chim Cheroo” is not a welcome phrase in these parts…but ‘The Highest Standard in GIW’ has contacts here in the UK, and they sent me this crime scene photo…’

Travis flips open his mobile phones and enters the pictures section. What we see next is the floor of a kitchen with bloody, webbed footprints leading towards the catflap. Declan looks at it and shakes his head.

Declan – ‘Look, we’ll talk about this later. We have more pressing issues to attend to. It might not be the most difficult match of your life, but don’t let this crap cloud your judgement tonight; you better not dare let me down and lose that belt. We’ll deal with ‘Boss’ Penguin after you keep doing what you’re here for…as for me, I have some business to attend to…’

With that Declan Prescott turns his back on the Global Heavyweight Champion, and leaves the locker room. With that we are transported back to ringside.

Vinegar - ‘You think that business Declan is talking about has anything to do with screwing Kiseragi and Brown out of the Global Heavyweight Championship?’

Hanson – ‘Can you get your priorities straight, that damn penguin is running amuck through London!’

Dennis – ‘Ladies and gentlemen, the next match is a First Blood Match and is for the Global Impact Wrestling Hardcore Championship!’

The bagpipes hit and ‘Warriors Code’ blasts out across the O2 Arena, thousands of fans get to their feet and start cheering for the challenger, The Oriental Firecracker herself.

Dennis – ‘Introducing the challenger, from Kyoto, Japan CHINATSUUUUUUU CHEEEEEEEEN!!!!’

Hanson – ‘There she is, the little angel who is destined to become the first female holder of that Hardcore Belt, and I’ll tell you this Nicholas, she’d more of a man in the ring than either the current or past holder’

Vinegar – ‘The girl sure has some guts, but you won’t get me badmouthing either guy.’

Hanson – ‘I predict after this victory Chen will hold that belt until she retires…or faces either of The Revolution…’

Vinegar – ‘Well to get the victory she’s gotta bust BoolZ wide open, and her well known dislike of weapons may well work in BoolZ’s advantage…’

Hanson – ‘I imagine he’s fantasized about crushing a woman’s skull with a sledgehammer on many a night. So I’m sure he’ll have some idea’s, but Chinatsu is smarter and more adaptable’

Vinegar – ‘You don’t think Randy is adaptable? The guy has beaten a schizophrenic who’s personality and style can change without notice…’

Hanson – ‘Who hasn’t beaten Savana? Apart from the Zombie and James…’

Vinegar – ‘He had to defend the title against his best friend…’

Hanson – ‘Austin ain’t BoolZ’s friend. He’s Randy’s prop…’

Vinegar – ‘What do you mean?’

Hanson – ‘You know, like when average looking chicks hang around with fat ugly ones, so they look better. It’s the only logical explanation?’

Vinegar – ‘You are comparing Austin to a fat, ugly chick? Your world view gets stranger every week.’

Chinatsu has made it to the ring and is throwing V for Victory signs out to the audience (remembering to keep her palm facing the crowd) she then backs into the corner, and is searched by Owen Peterson. The lights then go down low and the sound of a can of Red Bull popping open echoes across the arena. Then follows the sound of a Zippo lighter being struck, and then finally the opening chords of ‘Wonder What’s Next’ spread across the O2 Arena, and the crowd continue their excited screams, as Randy Boolzian, walks onto the stage, smoking and drinking, with the Hardcore Title strapped around his waist.

Dennis – ‘And introducing her opponent, and the GIW Hardcore Champion, RAAAAAANDY BOOOOOOLZIAAAAAN!!!!’

Vinegar – ‘He looks focused on this tonight, it seems like the uncertainty of facing a woman has finally dissipated…’

Hanson – ‘That or he’s secretly wanted to smack around a beautiful woman in front of thousands of fans for a long time now? Maybe he’s even a secret racist too?’

Vinegar – ‘Will you stop, seriously what do you base all your wild conjecture on?’

Hanson – ‘I just happen to have brilliant skills of observation and detection. Just because you are fooled by Randy Boolzian’s fake geniality, and just like these moronic fans you seem to think this guy is a better role model than someone like Travis Roberts?’

Vinegar – ‘You’re seriously suggesting that GIW’s weed smoking, back stabbing and deceitful Global Heavyweight Champion is a better icon for youngsters than Randy Boolzian, a man with real integrity and a morale compass?’

Hanson – ‘You just wait, BoolZ is a shocking example of humanity, and he will reveal his true colours, mark my words,,,’

Vinegar – ‘Well he’s climbing into the ring now, and he nods towards Chen, who bows respectfully towards the champion. Owen Peterson now pats down Randy Boolzian…’

Hanson – ‘Why is he patting these guys down? This is a First Blood match, it’s not like any objects are foreign…’

Vinegar – ‘Procedure?’

Hanson – ‘It’s more likely that Peterson is a useless sap. How long has he been doing this damn job? Each and every night it’s like he just learnt how to referee that morning…he’ll probably screw this match up too.’

Vinegar – ‘Regardless the time for your idle speculation is over, as Old Man Hermit strikes the bell and the match gets underway. Both BoolZ and Chen starting cautiously, both extending their hands but snapping back from the others reach, as they circle one another around the ring. Neither one breaking the others stare as they continue their merry dance, until Chen launches into action, but rather than striking she quickly slides underneath BoolZ’s legs and stands as he turns, and aims a high kick, which the Hardcore Champion ducks underneath, and reacts by trying a crouching leg sweep, but Chinatsu manages to jump above the sweeping leg. BoolZ now rises and quickly locks up with Chen, but Chen spins it into a headlock. BoolZ however uses his strength to raise Chen off of her feet, she relinquishes her grip and fliops backwards off of the rising BoolZ and onto her feet behind him, and then quickly grabs the back of Randy’s head, and then slams his ehad into the canvas with a Bulldog…’

Hanson – ‘You go girl!’

Vinegar – ‘I really wish you hadn’t made the hand gestures to go with the phrase. Distracted me from what has been an unpredictable opening to the match, which has seen Chen successfully hit the first offensive move, and she now bounces against the ropes, and comes back towards a kneeling BoolZ, and hits brutal Shining Wizard to The Champions forehead…’

Hanson - ‘She’s showing her smarts, she’s trying to reopen that wound from last week, when Randy decided to butt heads with the ring post, like the window licker he is…’

Vinegar – ‘It’s going to take far more than her petite knee to reopen that, Randy is tough…’

Hanson – ‘All that caffeine and nicotine has probably turned his skin quite leathery granted’

Vinegar – ‘But she’s giving it a go, now she whips BoolZ to the ropes, attempts a high kick, but BoolZ ducks under, runs on and hits the challenger with a spear to the midsection, taking Chen down to the canvas. The Hardcore Champion then lifts her by her hair…then lowers it swiftly into his knee, and then pushes her backwards clutching her head, and then levels her with a clothesline…’

Hanson – ‘He’s getting some kicks out of this…’

Vinegar – ‘I highly doubt that, but he’s a professional, Chen insisted she was ready for this level of competition, what kind of Champion would he be if he went easy on her? If she won this title because he held back, what would happen next month? Someone else wouldn’t hold back, and she may not be ready…’

Hanson – ‘Don’t try and twist BoolZ’s twisted domination perversion into some kind of positive for Chen. She is ready, she’ll show Randy that...he just shouldn’t enjoy beating a woman quite so much.’

Vinegar – ‘It’s not like he’s grinning whilst he does it, he’s just focused. And now he focuses as he whips Chen into the far turnbuckle, and then places her on the top rope…she is certainly quite light…BoolZ now goes up after her, but Chen is aware enough to grab BoolZ’s arm, bounces on the top rope, and throws Randy from the top, to the outside with a modified top rope hip toss…’

Hanson – ‘She’s ready, damn that girl is ready for the hardcore environment. BoolZ crashed directly into the guard barrier head first, another move that will weaken his forehead…’

Vinegar – ‘But it’s also taken its toll on Chen, who is clutching her back on the arena floor, as BoolZ get’s to his feet, and looks to his side, where there is a handily placed Steel Chair…he raises his eyebrows and looks at Chen, who is climbing to her feet, and she gestures ‘bring it on’ with her hands, BoolZ merely shrugs and picks up the Chair, this is the Hardcore Championship match after all, and he swings as Chen gets to her feet…’

Hanson – ‘But Aito Chens prettier and more talented cousin quickly spreads her legs into the splits, dodging the chair, which crashes against the ring mat causing Randy to drop it, she then rises striking Randy with a vicious uppercut to the chin, sending him staggering backwards, and then capitalises on Randy’s momentary unsteadiness and throws him to the floor with a hard judo throw, she then jumps on top of him and launches a barrage of rights and lefts to the face of BoolZ, each punch landing harder…look at the speed of those punches…’

Vinegar – ‘She’s really unloading on the Champion here, and she’s just too fast for Randy to be able to defend himself from her attacks, right and left after right and left, Chinatsu is showing a more brutal side here…’

Hanson – ‘What do you expect? Randy Boolzian has disrespected her for weeks, making out she isn’t ready for this, and then he tries to hit her with a chair, because he can’t beat her without the use of weapons, and don’t give me that ‘This is a First Blood match’ crap, you don’t necessarily need to use any other weapon than your body, and Chen has the guts to prove that…’

Vinegar – ‘She certainly has guts, but she may have overdone herself here, as she has slowed her assault and BoolZ is able to strike back at Chen and manages to topples her from on top of him. And she is obviously drained, it’s almost like she lost her focus, like an act of desperation…’

Hanson – ‘If you’re not desperate to win, you don’t deserve to be in that damn ring!’

Vinegar – ‘That is something I can agree with you on, and BoolZ desperately grabs the side of the ring and pulls himself to his feet, and grabs that chair once again, then tosses it into the ring, and slides under the ropes…’

Hanson – ‘He’s running…’

Vinegar – ‘He’s taking a breather after Chen handed him a beating, it makes sense…’

Hanson – ‘Yet if that were Declan Prescott or Travis Roberts you’d be labelling them cowards. Your logic makes no sense. Chen is now climbing back in the ring, and staring towards that chair wielding sadist. And she runs at him, and once again slides underneath Randy, and he turns, still holding the chair, only for Chinatsu to again side step, and then she lands a kick to the back of Randy’s knee, making him fall to one knee, she then springs against the ropes, approaches Randy from Behind, and then drives his head into the Chair, which in turn drives into his knee…’

Vinegar – ‘Doesn’t look like she minded using the chair there, maybe she’s warming to the hardcore environment…’

Hanson – ‘Your judgement is clearly clouded sometimes, she’ll never pick up a weapon, but if her opponent brings it into play, and is stupid enough not to let go of it…she’ll use it to her advantage…’

Vinegar – ‘Well BoolZ is now face down on the floor, and Peterson lifts his head to check if the Champion is bleeding, but that shot did not cause Randy to be busted open…’

Hanson – ‘But he’s not far off, look at his forehead, it’s swollen like a damn beach ball…it’s only gonna take another swift blow and that skin is gonna split raining blood across the ring…and Chen seems to know this as she drags BoolZ to his feet…DDT…’

Vinegar – ‘No, BoolZ reverses into a suplex, sending Chen backwards onto her back, he then climbs to his feet, and drives his boot into Chen’s face, then picks her up…DISCOMBOOLZALATOR!!! Onto the chair, BoolZ drives Chinatsu’s head into the unforgiving steel…’

Hanson – ‘And when we say ‘Unforgiving’ we mean it…it’s not like that other company where ‘Unforgiving’ actually means as sturdy as tin foil…’

Vinegar – ‘But BoolZ’s finisher onto a steel chair has not managed to bust Chen open, and he looks on in astonishment, and lifts her to her feet…it may not have bust her open, but it’s certainly left her dazed and confused, so BoolZ takes advantage springs onto the ropes…TWISTEDSTEEL!!!

Hanson – ‘And that beautiful angel goes down to the canvas again, as BoolZ picks up the chair once again, but this time he climbs to the top rope…what the hell has he got planned…’

Vinegar – ‘Be patient, he seems to be waiting for Chen to get up, and she slowly does so…BoolZ then flows the chair at Chen, whose reactions cause her to catch it...TUMBLEWEED OFF THE TOP ROPE!!! MY GOD HE JUST DROVE THAT CHAIR INTO CHEN’S FACE!’

Hanson – ‘But Chen is still not busted open, but it wouldn’t matter anyway, because that retarded Peterson managed to get in the way, and got clocked by the chair as Chen released it from her grip, and is now out cold on the floor…’

Vinegar – ‘Still…what a damn move…this is what GIW Hardcore is all about, you won’t see action like this anywhere else…that I guarantee you! BoolZ is back on his feet, but the pace of this match is clearly showing on him as he moves sluggishly, and he gives Chen a chance to get to her feet…and she’s clearly looking dejected…BollZ moves towards her…’

Hanson – ‘Out of nowhere a swift side shufflekick from Chen stuns BoolZ, Chen then leaps…HEAVY GUNS!!!’

Vinegar – ‘What the hell is he doing here, why is Declan Prescott walking down to the ring…’

Hanson – ‘Probably ensuring that if Chen busted BoolZ open just then, Petersons incapacitated state doesn’t deny her the victory she deserves…’

Vinegar – ‘Then why the hell does he have a Large, black, iron, crowbar in his hand as he slides into the ring! I knew it he wants to screw BoolZ…but I can’t believe Chen would be for this…’

Hanson – ‘The girls smart, she ain’t your average Chen…’

Vinegar – ‘Wait, Declan has thrown that Crowbar to Chen, but she just throws it to the ground…at least she’s sticking to her guns…she doesn’t use weapons, especially when Declan Prescott presents them to her. The Significant Player Stares at her in disbelief, shrugs his shoulders and then picks up the crowbar, clasps it in both hands, and turns towards BoolZ who is climbing to his feet…and he drives the pointed end of that crowbar towards BoolZ’s head…’

Hanson – ‘NO! What the hell is Chen doing, she has just grabbed Declan’s arm…’

Vinegar – ‘She saw what happened to her cousin when The Revolution handed him a title, she has too much pride. And look at Declan, he can’t believe she has stopped him, and he just throws his arms down in defiance and frustration…’

Hanson – ‘I’m not surprised, he just offered her the chance of the Revolutions backing, she may be a stunning vision, but she’s far too naïve, she;s gonna have to fight all out now to win this one…’

Vinegar – ‘Well at least Declan is turning to get his ass out of this match…NO!!! GOD NO! DECLAN SPINS ROUND AND SMACKS THAT IRON BAR INTO CHENS FORHEAD!!!’

Hanson – ‘Well she did just insult him…’

Vinegar – ‘YOU CANNOT POSSIBLY BE DEFENDING HIS ACTIONS!!! AND WHY? WHY WOULD HE ALL BUT HAND BOOLZ THE WIN!!!’

Hanson – ‘Who cares, I can’t believe Chen just made such a stupid rookie mistake. It’s always popular to rebel against the owner, but, as Chinatsu just found out, it gets you nowhere!’

Vinegar – ‘She fought with pride, and integrity…and Declan Prescott has just pissing all over her efforts, and he’s just pissing all over the Hardcore Title…and he’s pissing all over every GIW fan in this building…What the hell is he doing now?....Oh god no…SIGNIFICANT IMPACT TO CHEN ONTO THE CROWBAR!!! AND THAT MOVE HAS NOW BUSTED HER OPEN!’

Hanson – ‘And BoolZ is getting to his feet and staring in shock at the scene in front of him, as Chen lies face up on the canvas, blood pouring from her forehead…but I don’t see him complaining as Declan slides out of the ring and makes his way up the ramp, shaking his head.’

Vinegar – ‘And now Peterson gets to his feet, and he too witnesses the aftermath of this travesty of justice, and calls for the bell…I feel physically ill again…’

Dennis – ‘YOUR WINNER OF THIS MATCH, AND STIIIIIIIIIILL, GIW HARDCORE CHAMPION….RAAAAANDY BOOOOOOOLZIAN’

Vinegar – ‘No offence to Randy Boolzian’s efforts, but this has to be the sourest victory of his career, but it must be said he could do nothing to avoid it…Declan Prescott has once again destroyed the integrity of yet another title match…’

Hanson – ‘I still don’t see BoolZ complaining…sure he’s not celebrating…’

Vinegar – ‘He’s in shock! He’s just staring at Chen, shocked by what we have all just witnessed…I need to take minute…this was just beyond disgusting…’

Randy Boolzian (10)
Chinatsu Chen (9)

[Lord Hastings]

(Suddenly, 'Immortal' blares unto the P.A system, and the fans are unanimous with their boos. Lord Hastings appears, covered with a black cloak, a broad smile across his face.)

Hanson: Ahh, and now we finally get to see Lord Hastings in his prime, without jaded officials keeping him down. Fight the power, Lord! You are not alone in this!

Vinegar: Oh for the love of the Longhorns, Daniel, you can NOT keep believing that Peterson is somehow out to get Hastings. You KNOW Peterson. We've done Jaeger shots with Peterson!

Hanson: Hey, I'll drink with Castro if he's buying, but that doesn't mean I have to believe the man's character is absolute. And now, in this 'Peterson Sucks' match, Hanson is going to prove his dominance, beginning with that masked retard, Crimson Ghost!

MITCHELL: INTRODUCING FIRST, FROM HARTFORD, CONNETICUT AND WEIGHING 230 POUNDS, 'THE IMMORTAL' LORD DONOVAN HASTINGS!!

(Hastings merely chuckles and strides into the ring, outstretching his hands and looking upward to the heavens. After a moment, he screams out to no one in particular, "Finally, my Legend begins!". However, as super fast ragtime hits on the P.A, Hastins opens his eyes, and turns around, brow raised.)

Vinegar: What in the world??

Hanson: No comment.

(We see Crimson Ghost, cane in one hand, cigar in the other, dressed in his skeleton spandex but outside it an old-time sort of whicker hat and a fancy red and white pinstriped coat, dancing in time to the music, slowly making his way to the ring. Behind him is a collection of weak looking people, some in wheelchairs, and all seem to be holding a bottle of yellow liquid, with 'SPECIAL ELIXER' stamped on the front. Cheers and laughter from the audience.)

Hanson: Oh, you gotta be fucking kidding me! What is this?!

Vinegar: I haven't the faintest clue, but the fans seem to be into it!

(Crimson Ghost finally makes his way to the ring, and slides inside, as one of the people tosses him the bottle and he catches it, chomping on a cigar as he discards the cane and grabs a Mic, speaking.)

The Crimson Ghost: Well, I know yer thinking, 'What in the world is this nutjob up to?!' I assure you, I'm just as confused as the rest of us. Just hear me out.

(Hastings merely with his brows furrowed, slowly removing his cloak, walking toward the turnbuckle to give it to the techie outside, but never taking his eyes off of the Ghost.)

The Crimson Ghost: Now, Lordy Donno, you may be skeptical, but what if I told you, that I knew the secret to Immortality?? What if I told you, that this bottle could cure ALL yer ailments??

Hanson: Ohh, come on, Hastings isn't gonna fall for this garb-

(Hastings' eyes widen, and he points to the bottle. Crimson Ghost nods.)

The Crimson Ghost: Oh yeah! But don't take my word for it! Look at these brave souls here, willing to show the world for the first time, The Ghost's Special Elixir!

(Outside the ring, the old man in the wheelchair drinks his own bottle of 'Elixir', and suddenly, shakily gets to his feet, wide-eyed, and the crowd 'oohs' and 'aahs'. Another man, a scrawny looking sort, drinks the 'elixir', and then lifts the dumbbell brought out, with one hand. The audience claps at this feat of strength. Hastings looks easily impressed, and asks for the bottle, their match seemingly forgotten.)

The Crimson Ghost: Oh sure, champ! But just so's you know, you HAVE to drink it all in one go, you hear me? It tastes horrible, but you just have to grit through the terrible taste and just get it done with, you understand??

(Hastings eagerly nods, and finally grabbing the two litre bottle in his hand, he unscrews the top and begins hammering it down, face scrunching at the foul taste, some now spilling on his impressive chest, audibly gagging as he forced it down. Crimson Ghost is speaking all the while.)

The Crimson Ghost: Ohh, I know, it's so foul, but you just have to grit through! You notice that foul backtaste? You feel that burning in the back of your throat, feel the ammonia-like taste, you feel the POWER that's surging through? You feel it working it's magic???

(Hastings nods, wincing terribly, almost a quarter of it left.)

Hanson: Ghost, you fool, your just making your opponent stronger! Now you have even less of a chance!

Vinegar: *just begins chuckling* Yeah, Ghost is in trouble all right, but I think he was aware of the costs when putting...this...together...

The Crimson Ghost: Ahh, don'tcha people at home just love the inane chatter of hasbeen wrestlers and folks who never seemed to set foot in the ring?? I know I sure do. Hastings! You feel strong now? You feel like you can live FOREVER??

(Hastings nods, grinning and flexing.)

The Crimson Ghost: Ohhh, ain't it wonderful what effects horsepiss can have on the body?? Hyuk, hyuk, hyuk...

Vinegar: HA HA HA HA!!

Hanson: Ohhhhh....duuuude..not cool...just, not cool...

(Hastings' face goes deathly white, and he runs over to the ropes, sticking his head out and vomiting and retching, now openly crying, but more at the vomit experience, and the taste. All y'all can relate, I'm sure.)

Hanson: Ohhh...ohh no...he chose this side...we can just see everything....

Vinegar: Oh god...I think he had pastrami for lunch. Or regurgitated cat...

The Crimson Ghost: Man, you have NO idea what I had to do to get that stuff, petting zoos and ranches here in Cali are so uptight, I was kind of worried I couldn't pull this off, before I went to Mexico. But man, you hear 'donkey show', you think there won't be horses, right? WRONG. Sure, it was a bit used, but it was cheaper that way, and beside-WHOAH!

Vinegar: And Hastings with a wicked clothesline sends Ghost's mic flying and now with a series of vicious stomps to the head and neck of Ghost before the bell even rings! Folks, for the first time I can't say I blame Hastings here. Still think he deserved it, but...

Hanson: I'll tell you what he deserves, he deserves to keep stomping the shit out of Ghost after that little stunt, which he does right up until Hazel counts to four and breaks it up. C'mon, Hazel, you can't stop Justice! Unless her avatar is Jack Ryans! Ha!

Vinegar: And now Ghost removing that coat, and doesn't appear to be too disheartened by those stomps. And now this match is underway! Ghost and Hastings lock up, Hastings with an armwrench, turns it, and I'd assume Ghost's face under that mask is one of agony!

Hanson: Heh, serves him right! But, look at this, Nick! Ghost with an armwrench of his own! He can't do that!

Vinegar: He can and does! And now Hastings reverses it into his own armwrench, twists it again, armdrag, Ghost rolls with it, armdrag of his own! And with a Senton Splash, but Hastings rolls out of the way, both men to their feet!

Hanson: Man, Hastings must be a real sportsmen to let Crimson Ghost think he can touch the Lord of Pain's technical showcasing!

Vinegar: I think your giving the man a little too much credit, and now they lock up again, Hastings with a double leg takedown, tries to go for an Indian Deathlock, but Ghost kicks his legs out, and beans Hastings across the temple with his foot! Hastings wobbly now...

Hanson: And now that rambling crazy springs to his feet, and Oh no, hand over Hastings' throat! I didn't know Ghost did a chokeslam!

Vinegar: From what I understand it's an early move of his, and in any case, it looks to be about as powerful as a sideslam, but does the trick of shaking The Immortal up! Ghost with an elbow drop, and now looking for an arm scissors, but Hastings with a display of submission skill locks Ghost INTO THE HANDS OF FATE, ON HIS BACK! GHOST SCREAMING FROM THE SUDDEN PAIN!

Hastings: Wow, you have to admit it took some talent and great timing to pull that one off!

Vinegar: I'm not arguing there, Daniel, but from that angle, Crimson Ghost positions Hastings, shoulders on the mat!

Hazel:

1!

2!Kickout!

Hanson: Hastings with a show of self preservation breaks the hold and worms out of the pin, both men to their feet! And OH GOD, GHOST, WATCH THEM DROPKICKS! HSSS!

Vinegar: Neck flaring up again, partner?

Hanson: Just watching that move caused it to spasm and bitch at me. Folks, that's why GIW only hires the finest talent, regardless of their mental retardation or their shitty taste in Misfits music. Proper training and overall safety comes first!

Vinegar: Interestingly put, partner, but I won't argue with you. You need a moment?

Hanson: No, no, I'm fine, let's just do this. Shit, look, we missed a whole string of moves. But Hastings ends it with a well-timed Hip Toss-

Vinegar: No! Ghost on his feet, springs against the ropes, and hits a stiff Gore! Hastings down, but Ghost locks in a Texas Cloverleaf on the spot, in that move he calls DOWN, ALREADY!

Hanson: Oh man, Hastings does not like this position, Nick. Nowhere near the ropes, he might be in Tap Central! Fight it, Hastings! Your the submission master, not him!

Vinegar: That remains to be seen, Daniel, and OH!

Hanson: SICK! Hastings out of nowhere breaks the hold and pretty much throws Ghost in a Half Nelson! Look at him tumble...!

Vinegar: All the way into Hazel East! She goes tumbling out the ring before she is caught by her fiance, Dennis Mitchell. Nontheless, she is out, and we do not have a referee!

Hanson: Doesn't look like any of the men know, Nick, Ghost is getting up, and looks to be springing to the turnbuckles...OH YEAH! DENIED!

Vinegar: Hastings just charged full force and slammed into Ghost before he could do anything, grabs the arms, Ghost can't react fast enough! INEVITABILITY!! Ghost just looks like he was hit by a lightning bolt from Zeus!

Hanson: Hastings spins the unconcious Ghost over on his back, hooks the leg!

....

...

...OH CRAP! NO REF!

Vinegar: But look at this! Owen Peterson, despite all the strife, despite all the grief that this man has given him, he's gotta do his job, dammit, he's gonna come out here and ref the hell outta this match, by god! AND HE SLAPS THE MAT!

Peterson:

One!

TWO!!!

THREE - KICKOUT!!!!!

Audience: THIS IS AWESOME!! *clap rythm* THIS IS AWESOME!! *clap rythm*

Vinegar: AND THIS AUDIENCE IS ON IT'S FEET! THEY CAN'T BELIEVE IT!

Hanson: I CAN'T BELIEVE IT! THAT WAS THREE! PETERSON CALLED THE KICKOUT ANYWAY! And Hastings sees the affront to this match, the blatant disrespect paid to him, and he's not having any of it! He turns the other cheek, and walks toward the ropes, climbing out!

Vinegar: These audience members booing, Hastings isn't even gonna go through with this match, but LOOK AT THIS!

Hanson: OH, YOU STAY AWAY FROM HIM!

Vinegar: He isn't listening to you, he runs to the opposite ropes, rebounds, leaps over the ropes, lands on the apron, jumps on the middle ropes, whistles and catches Hastings' attention, springs off, MOONSAULT HEADSCISSOR COMBINATION, DRIVING HASTINGS INTO THOSE STEEL STEPS! THEY JUST EXPLODED!!!

Audience: GIW! GIW! GIW! GIW! GIW!

Hanson: Jesus, that looks like it killed the both of them...NO! GHOST TO HIS FEET!

Vinegar: And now he's comming over, grabs Hastings by the hair, throws him into the ring!

Hanson: Hastings rolling away, but not knowing where he is...AND THAT BASTARD CRIMSON GHOST, LIKE A HYENA, WAITING!!

Vinegar: Ghost getting himself in position, Hastings getting to his feet bending over, Ghost stepping backward, bounces off the ropes, strides forward, NAILS IT! BLOODY HELL, DROPPING HASTINGS LIKE A SACK OF POTATOES! AND THESE FANS, THEY KNOW WHAT'S COMMING NEXT!!

Hanson: Oh no! He's got Hastings in powerbomb position...HE HOISTS HIM UP!!

Vinegar: AND HE FLIPS HIM, AND LANDS SEEING RED, WITH AUTHORITY! HASTINGS BOUNCING UNTO HIS BACK FROM THE POWER!!! And now Ghost with the pin!

Peterson:

ONE!!!

TWO!!!!!!!

THREEE!!!!!

DING, DING!

Mitchell: Here is your winner...THE CRIMSON GHOST!!!!

AUDIENCE: GHOST, YOUR NEATO! GHOST, YOUR NEATO! GHOST, YOUR NEATO!

Hanson: Do these fans know their cheering a pervert and a vagabond?? This jerk doesn't have any likable qualities whatsoever!

Vinegar: That's debatable, partner, but I think what these fans are cheering is his drive to compete, and to entertain them at the same time. And tonight, he got his cake, and ate it too! But I can't imagine this will help quench any of Hastings' delusions!

Hanson: They certainly won't, and-Heyyy, no fair! You tricked me with wordplay!

Vinegar: Ohh, shut up and enjoy the moment!

[Lord Hastings]

Dennis: Ladies and gentlemen, the following match is your GIW Distant Whispers main event! A triple cage match for the Global Heavyweight Championship! As you can all see, the triple cage structure has already been lowered around the ring. That’s convenience right there. This match will follow the rules of the triple cage match in Ready To Rumble, because that’s the only one of these bouts P has seen. So if you haven’t seen that movie and, for some reason, are reading these results, rather than just watching them, you’re probably gonna be confused as fuck. And if David Arquette shows up, I’m gonna mark more than I did for Austin leaving to grape midgets. Ah, justice is sweet…

“Teahouse” begins playing, accompanied by a massive cheer by the fans. Alex Kiseragi walks out to the top of the ramp where he throws two right roundhouse kicks, each accompanied by a small pyro, followed by a split legged backflip with a larger pyro.

Dennis: And introducing first, from San Francisco, California and weighing 198 pounds… ALEX ‘THE DRRRRRAGON’ KISERRRRAGI!!!!

Vinegar: Kiseragi entering that enormous structure now. This is certainly going to be his most gruelling match in this company yet. And that’s saying something considering he was apart of the battleground match last month.

Hanson: Pffft, I bet his toughest match took place in a truck stop restroom. Little Alex plays with the big boys in a whole different way, you know?

Vinegar: Actually, I don’t. But I’m wondering how you do… maybe ignorance really is bliss on some matters.

“Kikctstart My Heart” begins playing, accompanied by an almighty roar of approval from the O2 Arena fans. Brandon Brown makes his way onto the stage, performing his taunts as always.

Dennis: And the second challenger, from Albion, Indiana and weighing 190 pounds… BRRRRRRRRRRRRANDON BRRRRRRROWN!!!!

Vinegar: And here comes the only two time Global Champion. He’s looking to make it three here tonight.

Hanson: Yeah and Kiseragi’s father was looking for a son who could give him a grandchild. We don’t always get what we want, Nick. And Brown is gonna learn that tonight when Travis Roberts becomes the first man to retain the Global Title outside of North America!

Vinegar: I guess we’ll just have to wait and see.

“Bummer” begins playing and the energetic audience begin booing with everything they have. Music starts up, plays for about 30 seconds and when drums hit in Travis appears through the curtain. His arms will be spread out as if expecting a hero’s welcome, but of course no-one knows who he is. Not put off by any weak reactions, shrugs his shoulders, and looks around as if to say “I was born to do this, and you’ll all know it soon enough”.

Dennis: And now, the GLOBAL HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPION, currently residing in Los Angeles, California and weighing 220 pounds… THE BLESSED ONE, TRAVIS ROBERTS!!!

As he struts down to the ring, he nods and smiles in a fairly patronising way at the crowd. But will generally stop in the vicinity of an attractive women and begin to talk to her, after a while he’ll remember what he’s supposed to be doing, and slip the girl his number, and almost begrudgingly head to the ring.

Hanson: Damn, our tense has been all screwed up now. But who cares, Travis Roberts does what he wants!

Vinegar: And Roberts noticeably not with that Global Title around his waist. The belt is hanging metres above the top of that third cage and these men are going to have to battle all the way up there to reach it. Two of these men are going to put their bodies through absolute hell only to come up short. That’s how much that belt means to them.

Hanson: And here we go, Nick! The bell has sounded. This is going to be insane!

Vinegar: Both Brown and Kiseragi going straight for Roberts! A double clothesline knocks The Blessed One to the mat. He’s quick to get up, but a double DDT plants him back down. Now he’s rolling out of the ring, as Brown whips Kiseragi to the ropes. Connects with an inverted atomic drop on the rebound and follows up with some quick knife hands. Kiseragi ducks the third one and hit’s a low dropkick into Brandon’s knees.

Hanson: And now he’s got Brown face down on the canvas. Interesting choice of offence from Kiseragi…

Vinegar: For Heaven’s sake! Now he’s looking for a springboard moonsault to the back of Brown, BUT ROBERTS BASHES A CHAIR INTO HIS LEGS!

Hanson: HA! The Blessed One not wasting anytime! I love it!

Vinegar: Roberts rolling back into the ring and SMASHES that chair over Brandon, just as the former Champ got back up. Kiseragi also climbing up now, but a THUNDEROUS shot from the steel sends him straight back down.

Hanson: And now Roberts has dropped the chair and is leaving the ring and looking under the canvas once again. He’s not fooling around tonight, Nick.

Vinegar: Nor should he. No one wants to spend more time in this insane structure than they absolutely have to. Roberts back in the ring with a ladder now, just as both his opponents have made it back to a vertical base. Roberts with that ladder over his shoulders in classic ‘Sasha just got owned’ form and charges at the two challengers. They both duck AND A DOUBLE DROPKICK SMASHES THAT LADDER INTO THE HEADLINER’S FACE!!!

Hanson: URGH! IT’S JUST LIKE SASHA!!!

Vinegar: And now Kiseragi plants Brown on the ladder with a DDT! The Dragon looking to set that steel up already!!! This could be the quickest triple cage match in history! Alex is already climbing up!

Hanson: Even if he makes it, he’s got two more cages to get through. BUT HE DOESN’T MAKE IT! HA!

Vinegar: ROBERTS PUSHING THAT LADDER OVER, SENDING KISERAGI FLYING OUT OF THE RING AND HURTLING RIGHT INTO THE CAGE WALL!!! THE DRAGON MAY HAVE BEEN PERMANETELY REMOVED FROM THIS MATCH!

Hanson: OH NO! Brown is back up with the chair!!!

Vinegar: And he swings at Roberts! But The Blessed One ducks! Connects with a German suplex! Brown dazed, but still clambering back up. Roberts stiffly boots him in the side of the head and sends him spiralling into the corner! Now whipping him into the opposite corner! No! Brown counters into a clothesline! But Roberts doesn’t stay down for very long. Getting back up, but Brown with a scoop slam ONTO THE LADDER! Roberts crying in agony!

Hanson: That may have hurt The Blessed One, but it acted like a wake up call too! Look how angry he looks?!

Vinegar: Brown doesn’t seem to care, as he bashes that chair into the still downed Roberts! This match has degenerated into a complete street fight already! I can’t say I’m surprised!

Hanson: But Brown’s leaving the ring. He either wants a weapon or has finally accepted that he can’t keep up with The Blessed One and is calling it a night! My money’s on the latter!

Vinegar: WRONG! Brown looking under the ring here! We’ve seen him remove some pretty crazy weapons from there in the past, including a blow torch, a crossbow and a grapple gun! What’s it gonna be tonight? A SLEDGEHAMMER!

Hanson: GOD DAMMIT! I shoulda known Brown wasn’t smart enough to know when he’s outclassed!!

Vinegar: Well he’s in the driver’s seat right now, so he’s not being outclassed at all! Back in the ring, he swings that weapon with all his might into Roberts! The Headliner grabs that chair and uses it as a shield to deflect the shot at the last second! Brown swinging that hammer again and again into the chair, trying to knock it from Roberts’ hands! If he succeeds, The Blessed One is in for a world of hurt! NO! Brown takes a different approach AND SMASHES ROPBERTS RIGHT HAND!!!! HIS FINGERS MUST HAVE JUST BEEN SHATTERED AND HE CAN’T HOLD THAT CHAIR ANYMORE!!!

Hanson: DAMN YOU BROWN! HA! ROBERTS WITH A KICK STRAIGHT TO BROWN’S CROTCH! A HAND FOR A DOODLE! FAIR TRADE!

Vinegar: Well those two things go hand-in-hand with each other for you, right? Pun intended.

Hanson: Not once I finally win Chinatsu over!

Vinegar: After what your best buddy did to her? Good luck with that one. And another man who might need luck is Travis Roberts, as he’s now picked up that sledgehammer! He’s got a look of revenge in his eyes, but he’s battling this fight essentially with only one arm now! HE BRINGS THE HAMMER DOWN WITH ALMIGHTY RAGE INTO BROWN! NO! BRANDON ROLLS TO SAFETY AT THE LAST SECOND!!!

Hanson: But Roberts is chasing after him with that hammer! Brown is scrambling with all his speed to get outside of the ring! This is one of those times having the genetic makeup of a chimp is actually helping him!

Vinegar: Brown rolling out of the ring and goes colliding straight into the now recovered Kiseragi! Both men go tumbling to the floor and Travis Roberts sliding out of the ring after them! He swings that hammer into Brown again, but Brandon is able to evade once more! Now he’s climbing UNDER the ring!

Hanson: And Roberts has too much dignity to follow. That was a smart move by Brandon.

Vinegar: But Kiseragi has capitalised on the distraction! A jumping roundhouse to the back of Roberts’ skull sends The Headliner falling helplessly to the floor. Kiseragi racing back into the ring and setting that ladder up! Brown still hasn’t emerged from underneath and Roberts is well ands truly dazed on the outside! If Kiseragi reaches that second cage, he may well be too far in front to be stopped! He’s climbing the ladder now!

[Lord Hastings]

Hanson: But here’s Brown and he’s got a… CAT?!?!?!?!?!

Vinegar: MY GOD! BROWN JUST HURLED THAT FERAL CAT AT KISERAGI! IT LANDED RIGHT ON HIM AND IS CLAWING HIS FACE OUT!!! KISERAGI FALLING TO THE MAT, TRYING TO GET THAT FELINE OFF HIM!!!

Hanson: Why in the name of Jesus was a CAT under the ring?!

Vinegar: I have no idea. And with the amount of sideshow circus freaks in this company, I don’t even know where to start speculating. But the big story here is that Brown is back in the ring and has taken hold of that chair. The cat has wisely fled back to it’s hiding place, as Brown BASHES that chair into Kiseragi! And now Brandon is heading up that ladder!

Hanson: But here’s Travis!!!

Vinegar: Roberts racing into the ring with that sledgehammer! BANG! RIGHT INTO BRANDON’S ASS!!!!

Fans: BOOOOOOO!!!!!

Hanson: HA! And now Brown eats the canvas! ARGH!!!!

Vinegar: KISERAGI PLANTINS ROBERTS WITH A SPRINGBOARD DROPKICK!!! NOW THE DRAGON SCRAMBLING UP THAT LADDER!!! Brown is fighting to his feet and climbing up the other side, but he’s noticeably slower than Kiseragi. I guess getting hit the ass with a sledgehammer takes it’s toll on you.

Hanson: Not if it had been Kiseragi. He’s used to that kind of thing! Hell, as soon as it happened he became motivated enough to spring back into the match! Little pervert…

Vinegar: Sometimes the way your brain functions truly amazes me. Kiseragi has reached the top of the ladder! He’s climbed his way into the second cage! And he’s kicking that ladder over behind him! Very smart move! But Brown is close enough to the top to leap onto the edge of the hole in the second cage’s floor. He’s climbing up, but Kiseragi is ready! He dropkicks him right in the head, but doesn’t quite connect with full impact. Nonetheless Brown goes stumbling into the cage wall! Now The Dragon looking to hurl Brandon back down to the ring! But the former Champ saves himself with some well placed elbows into his opponent’s face! Kiseragi goes stumbling and Brown quickly grabs a trash can being stored in the compartment at the top of that second cage!

Hanson: What compartment?

Vinegar: How the fuck should I know? Whatever compartment DDP used, I guess. Now Brown smashes that trash can into Kiseragi’s face! He looks for a second shot, but The Dragon counters with a drop toe hold! Brown goes face first into the trash can! Now both men are dazed!

Hanson: Which is perfect, because Roberts has set the ladder back up! And he’s climbing up to the others!

Vinegar: He’s having to hook his right arm around the rungs, because that right hand can’t seem to make a firm grip. It’s hindered his progress considerably and now both the challengers are getting back up. Brown with some stiff chops onto Kiseragi and both men seem to be too distracted to notice The Headliner approaching them. And The Dragon avoids another knife hand and looks for an enziguri! Brown dumps him right on his back before he can land it! Kiseragi’s unorthodox offence doesn’t seem to be serving him too well in such an enclosed space.

Hanson: And Brown is just beating the holy hell out of him with that trash can! But look! Roberts has climbed his way up behind them!

Vinegar: Roberts noticing Brown has his back turned to him and isn’t even going to try and fight! He’s just climbing up that chain ladder into the third cage!! NO! Brown realises and pushes him down to the cage floor! Now he’s taking up that now crumpled garbage can and has his sights set squarely on The Blessed One!

Hanson: Brandon swinging, but Roberts rolls to safety. Even with only one arm, he’ll still always be better than Brown!

Vinegar: That remains to be seen! That cage wall is blocking Roberts from rolling away any further! And now Brown beginning to beat the holy hell out of him with that trash can!! Roberts seems out of it and Brown has decided it’s time to make his way into the final cage! He’s climbing up! But Roberts forcing himself back to his feet and taking up a baseball bat from another of that cage’s compartments! BANG! A LEFT HANDED SHOT DIRECTLY INTO BROWN’S SPINE!!! AND BRANDON FALLING FROM THAT LADDER AND ALL THE WAY BACK TO THE RI - NO!!! HE HOLDS ONTO THE EDGE OF THE CAGE HOLE AND IS DANGLING FOR DEAR LIFE! IF HE FALLS, HE CAN KISS HIS CHANCES OF WINNING THIS MATCH AND RECLAIMING THE TITLE GOODBYE!!

Hanson: And look at Roberts! He’s actually smiling!

Roberts: Pay back’s a bitch, Brown!

Vinegar: MY GOD! ROBERTS SWINGING THAT BAT RIGHT INTO BROWN’S HAND! NO! BRANDON SLIDES HIS HAND ACROSS THE STEEL AND BARELY AVOIDS CONTACT! BUT HIS ARMS ARE TOO FAR APART NOW! HE CAN’T SLIDE ANY FURTHER AND WON’T BE ABLE TO DODGE A SECOND ATTACK! BUT HE DOESN’T HAVE TO!!! KISERAGI WITH A BULLDOG, BLASTS ROBERTS FACE FIRST INTO THE CAGE WALL!!!

Hanson: Oh no! Now he’s climbing up the ladder and into the last cage!!

Vinegar: Brown struggling with all his might to climb up after his opponent. He makes it back up! The Dragon is already in the final cage, as Brown begins his climb up to it. Kiseragi having to exit that last cage and climb up on the outside. Once on top, it’s just a matter of unbuckling the belt that hangs from the arena ceiling and he’ll be declared Global Champ!

Hanson: And he’s climbing up the wall! But here comes Brandon! I never thought I’d be so glad monkey boy had reached the top! He grabs Kiseragi and pulls him back down!

Vinegar: Now both men battling on top of the second cage. God damn this shit is confusing. Brown smashing Kiseragi into the chain link wall face first and grinding his face into the metal wire!!! The skin is literally being ripped off The Dragon’s face!!

Hanson: Guess he’ll have to resort to glory holes now. That’s assuming he hasn’t already…

Vinegar: I’m just going to ignore you! Kiseragi, who’s entire chest is now covered with that blood pouring out of his face, hits a stiff kick into Brandon’s knee! I think that’s angered The Dragon! He slams Brandon’s face into that bloody chain link and is returning the favour! He’s wiping Brown’s skull over the steel, like butter on bread! The former Champ being ripped apart, just like his opponent was!

Hanson: So he’s a taker and a giver, huh? Interesting. HAHA! Roberts has arrived!!

Vinegar: You’re right! Travis Roberts has made his way into the final cage. Here he comes to the outside and knocks Kiseragi in the back of the head with a stiff left fist. Nothing pretty about that folks, but it sure is effective. Kiseragi climbing back up, but Roberts with another stiff fist! NO! The Dragon blocks and comes back with a hurricarrana!!! Roberts goes flying across the cage and it’s all he can do to keep from going over the edge!!

Hanson: Jeez! It hasn’t been a good night for him!

Vinegar: Now Brown is making his way up the cage. Kiseragi right at his side and climbing at the exact same pace. Roberts not far behind either, but he can’t climb up! His right hand can’t grip the chain link and there’s nothing to loop his arm through for support!! The Blessed One biting the bullet and slamming that crushed hand into the wall! It may very well be broken, but he doesn’t care! Such is the tenacity of Travis Roberts! I may not like him, but I have to respect the athlete that he is! He’s willing to do absolutely anything to retain that Title!

Hanson: And look! Both Kiseragi and Brown are standing on top of that final cage! They’re battling it out and the winner may very well take this match! HURRY UP TRAVIS!!!

Vinegar: Roberts grabs Kiseragi by the ankle with that damaged hand! He pulls The Dragon right off his feet! Now he’s climbing onto the roof of that gigantic structure! But the bloody Brown is ready! CONNECTS WITH THE GTS ON THE CHAMP! BOTH HIS OPPPONENTS ARE DOWN! BROWN’S GONNA WIN IT!!!!

Prescott: Did you honestly expect me to let this happen?!

Hanson: WHAT?!

Vinegar: NO! NO! GOD DAMN IT, OUR BOSS DECLAN PRESCOTT IS BACK OUT HERE FOR THE SECOND TIME TONIGHT! HE'S ON THE ENTRANCE STAGE AND HE’S GOT BLING AND TWO OF HIS HOMIES WITH HIM! THEY’VE GOT A ROCKET LAUNCHER!!!!

Hanson: WHAT THE HELL?!?!?!?!

Prescott: Take him out, Bling!

Vinegar: MY GOD!!! THOSE HECNHMEN ARE AIMING THAT ROCKET LAUNCHER SQUARELY ON BROWN! HE DOESN’T KNOW WHAT TO DO! THERE’S NOWHERE FOR HIM TO GO!!!! AND THEY SHOOT THAT ROCKET LAUNCHER!!!! OH MY GOD!!!!

Hanson: BAH! DIRECT HIT!!!!

Vinegar: BROWN WAS JUST HIT WITH A WATER BOMB FILLED WITH RED PAINT!!!! AND THE IMPACT AT THAT SPEED SENDS HIM SOARING OFF THAT TOP CAGE AND FALLING ALL THE WAY DOWN TO THE ROOF OF THE BOTTOM ONE!!! BUT THAT’S NOT ALL! HE BOUNCES OFF THE CHAIN LINK AND GOES CRASHING RIGHT THROUGH OUR ANNOUNCE TABLE!!!!! I DON’T BELIEVE THIS!!!! HE’S GOTTA BE DEAD!!!!!

Hanson: HOLY CRAP!!! SOMEONE GET THE MEDICAL TEAM OUT HERE!!!! BROWN MAY HAVE JUST BEEN BROKEN INTO PIECES!!!!

Vinegar: BUT THIS MATCH IS STILL GOING!!! KISERAGI BACK UP!!! LOOKING FOR A DDT ON THE STILL DAZED ROBERTS!!! BUT TRAVIS WITH A FIST TO THE DRAGON’S CROTCH SENDS HIM TO HIS KNEES!!! ROBERTS FALLING LIFELESSLY TO THE SIDE, GIVING DECLAN, BLING AND THOSE SECURITY GUARDS A PERFECT SHOT ON KISERAGI!!!! IT CAN’T END LIKE THIS!!!!

Hanson: OH YES IT CAN! THE DRAGON IS GOING BACK TO WHERE HE BELONGS - DOWN!!!!

Vinegar: AND THE HOMIES FIRE THAT WEAPON - NO!!!! SOMEBODY JUST JUMPED THE GUARD RAIL AND KNOCKED THAT PROJECTILE OFF COURSE JUST BEFORE FIRING!!! THE PAINT BOMB GOES SPLATTERING AGAINST THE GLOBATRON AND SAVES KISERAGI!!! BUT WHO IS THAT GUY?!?! IT’S THE DRAGON’S FATHER!!!! HE JUST SAVED HIS SON FROM CERTAIN DOOM!! AND NOW HE’S LAYING A HURTING ON PRESCOTT, BEFORE THOSE GUARDS DRAG HIM OFF!!!

Hanson: ARGH!!!! AND ROBERTS WAS EXPECTING KISERAGI TO BE TAKEN OUT!!! NOW THAT HE HASN’T, THE BLESSED ONE HAS BEEN CAUGHT OFF GUARD!!!!

Vinegar: YARI KICK SENDS TRAVIS ROBERTS TUMBLING OFF THE CAGE AND FALLING ALL THE WAY DOWN TO THE FIRST ONE!!!! HE’S BEEN DECIMATED AT THE HANDS OF KISERAGI!!! AND NOW THE DRAGON GRABBING THAT TITLE BELT!!!! RING THE BELL, THIS MATCH IS OVER!!! NEW GLOBAL HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPION!!!!

Dennis: Your winner and NEW GLOBAL HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPION… ALEX KISERRRRRRRRRRAGI!!!!

Hanson: NO! NO! THIS CAN’T HAVE HAPPENED!!!! ROBERTS VICTORY WAS A SURE THING!!! HE CAN’T HAVE LOST!!!!

Vinegar: HE JUST DID! ALEX KISERAGI IS OUR NEW CHAMPION!!! AND LOOK AT HIS FACE!!! HE CAN’T BELIEVE HE’S DONE IT!!! WHAT A MOMENT FOR THAT MAN?!?!

Hanson: THIS IS… THIS IS A DISGRACE!!!

Vinegar: I THINK IT’S TERRIFIC!!! BUT NOW WE’RE OUT OF TIME FOLKS! WE’RE GONNA LEAVE YOU TO THE IMAGES OF TWO BROKEN BODIES, A SHATTERED DECLAN PRESCOTT AND OUR NEW GLOBAL HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPION! I HOPE YOU CAN JOIN US NEXT WEEK TO SEE WHAT COMES NEXT FOR THE SUPERSTARS OF GIW!! I’M NICHOLAS VINEGAR, WITH DANIEL HANSON, WISHING YOU A GOODNIGHT!

Alex Kiseragi (7)
Travis Roberts (6)
Brandon Brown (5)

[Lord Hastings]

Distant Whispers ‘08 Credits

Daisuke/Pax vs. Dredd/Masters
Andy Savana

Cyanide/James vs. Ribz/Savana
Hiroshima

Triple Threat
Dredd

GIW Women’s Championship
Alex Kiseragi

The Revolution Backstage
Travis Roberts

GIW Hardcore Championship
Travis Roberts

Ghost vs. Hastings
Hiroshima

Global Heavyweight Championship
Declan Prescott