Post by Roxy Cotton on May 2, 2020 22:21:16 GMT -5
THE GREAT #CLEARCONNECTION CAPER
”Hello everyone. Have you been good while I was gone?”
“As I’m sure every single one of you little paypigs has noticed, this is my first cam show in months. I’ve gotten your tributes and donations, thank you. I’ve also gotten quite a few more gifts from my wishlist than before. Maybe absence makes the heart grow fonder? Perhaps.”
“But Roxy, where were you? Where did you go? What did you do? Why didn’t you sign on to give our meaningless little lives some purpose? How were we supposed to pull our tiny puds without you in our lives to get our crippled dicks hard for us?”
“Pathetic. I left you for the same reasons I left the Coalition. Because I was tired of being taken for granted by a bunch of masturbatory self-aggrandizing nobodies willing to line up and soak up the light I shine. Whether it was Donovan Hastings trying to use the spotlight I’d built for myself as a way to make himself look good or if it was a throwaway spot in the Coalition Challenge in order to get the pay per view buyrates they needed in order to secure a new cable deal, the Coalition was prepared to USE Roxy Cotton in any way they could for their own enjoyment and benefit. Just like you little cucks at home with one hand in your wallet and one in your pants. It was boring me. So I left.”
“Well… I decided it was time to do something for ME instead of something for THEM. I decided, now that they no longer WANTED me to be here, that they’d finally moved on and had stopped drunk texting me like a ghosted one night stand, it was a perfect time for me to link up with Kenzi and check off the one thing I hadn’t actually accomplished in my Coalition career - bring the #ClearConnection to the Cooperative Titles.”
“You see, Kenzi and me, we never really got to follow the path we wanted to follow once we joined up with the Coalition. We were always separated by card placement, by booking, by the whims and fantasies of the powers that be. We were split up and set aside in favor of what those in charge thought were better sellers. The marriage of Kenzi and Sarah. The sibling rivalry. The Angie and Roxy story. Nobody asked either of us why we had come here in the first place. Nobody asked us what WE wanted to do. And what WE want to do is run amok in the Cooperative Division and tear your stories to pieces, wipe them clean from the chalkboard, and replace it with CLARITY.”
“So now is my chance to show you what a REAL cooperation looks like. To show the Coalition what the difference is between a couple of professional wrestlers deciding to hang out together for a little while and TRUE bond. A sisterhood. A spiritual, religious, UNBREAKABLE connection… the kind that two people can only truly achieve if their lives are clear from all of the bullshit everyone else carries around with them day after day after day.”
“What? Are Hide Yamazaki and SEB going to say something different about it? Please. I’ve embarrassed both of them enough already on my own, what’s going to stop me from doing it again with one of the single greatest talents in Coalition history at my side?”
“Should I be worried about ‘A Spot of Tea’ or whatever that extremely droll duo of Britons in Duncan Ryder and John Blake are calling themselves? Should I suddenly be worried about what a pair of Londoners who had no interest in making any sort of return to the Coalition until I was safely out of the picture thinks about me? I think not.”
“Oh, but the champions, you say… Blessed Vanity, you say, in hushed tones, as if merely speaking their names too loudly might make them appear behind you like they were the Coalition’s version Candyman and Bloody Mary. Yeah, Alan Wallace is an incredible talent… when he chooses to be. Travis Roberts is too, occasionally. But make no mistake - Vain and Roberts aren’t a team. They aren’t a cooperation. They are a marriage of convenience. Kenzi Grey and Roxy Cotton are FAMILY. We are of one soul, one entity. The same entity that, in one form or another, has put the Coalition in a stranglehold for nearly two years now. The #CoolKids are an unstoppable shift in consciousness for the Coalition. A movement. A generational uprising. And the heart of the #CoolKids, the very ESSENCE of who we were, are, and always will be? Is the CONNECTION between Roxy Cotton and Kenzi Grey. Without our Clarity, the Coalition would have been as unremarkable as it had been for a decade prior to our debut. But because of us? It MATTERED. Because of US, you didn’t have to sit at home and wonder which pairing of owls was going to be the champion that week, or who was going to be scheduled to appear against a sandwich. Instead, you got the brilliance of Grey, Vaughn, Lacklan… and me.”
“And I’m back, bb.”
“Be careful what you wish for.”
Los Angeles, California - May Day
It felt like it had been a long time since Roxy Cotton and her friend… no, her sister. Her sister in #clarity… had sat down for lunch together. Perhaps it wasn’t as long as it seemed. Or, perhaps it had been so long because deep down they each knew that they got themselves into trouble every time they started sharing ideas.
At any rate, the pair were together once more. They sat outside sipping from glasses and picking away at tiny plates of brunchtime food, with Roxy happily nibbling on a tiny forkful of vegan fare while Kenzi stared at the miniscule morsels on her plate. Although it wasn’t technically heard, one could palpably feel the way Grey’s tummy rumbled with desire for actual sustenance.
”So then I told Vinnie… I said, ‘Vinnie, your head looks stupid. You need to wear a wig. I can’t be seen with a bald man.’”
”Seems kinda harsh, Rox! The man was assaulted, he should get whatever the XWF equivalent of a purple heart is!”
Roxy’s fiance, the retired wrestling champion professionally known as “Loverboy” Vinnie Lane, had recently embroiled himself in a feud leading to a no holds barred competition that resulted with him having his trademark blonde locks burned away by his opponent. Now the self-proclaimed ‘rock n’ roll megastar’ looked more like a skinhead, or, as Rox and Kenzi’s mutual friend Atara Themis had recently pointed out, Right Said Fred.
”Don’t be silly, Kenz. Vinnie is an idiot and he probably couldn’t feed himself properly if I wasn’t there to take care of him. I love him, but he’s at least 75% tard. It’s because of the concussions, and the fact that all the blood in his body rushes into his crotch every fifteen minutes.”
”That’s terrible!”
”Well, that part’s actually kinda great…”
Roxy sips her mimosa while Kenzi plays with the straw in her cappuccino. Kenzi pulls the little surgical mask on her face slightly to the side to take a sip but then shoots Roxy a look as if seeing her for the very first time that day.
”Hey Rox, why aren’t you wearing a mask? Don’t you know there’s a pandemic happening? You could end up killing my grandma! I DON’T WANT THE ‘RONA!”
”Kenzi. Be Taylor Swift right now, bb. You need to calm down. First of all, I’m immune. My body is, like, 40% botox and saline. It’s inhospitable to any viral infections from the start. AND, on top of that… every three months I get all of my blood fully recycled and replaced, just like Kobe did when he got AIDS. RIP.”
”Pretty sure that was Magic Johnson…”
”RIP.”
”He’s not dead!”
”Whatever, Kenzi, the point is I’m not going to let the government tell me what to do. Who needs grammas anyway? They’re boring and wrinkled and smell like baby powder. I spend money on making my lips perfect, I’m not covering them up for anybody.”
”Well. I guess I could put on two masks.”
”There you go. Thinking outside the box. That’s why we’re such a good team, bb.”
”I mean, we are, but we could be better… we gotta be better if we’re going to come out of No Holds Barred with the Cooperative Titles. I’ve never been in a Prison Break Match before!” Kenzi paused, staring away absently. ”Though...I have been arrested more than a few times.”
”Like, DUH! Of course you’ve been in prison.”
Though the mouth was hidden, what could be seen of Kenzi’s eyes narrowed in anger. ”WHAT IN THE HELL IS THAT SUPPOSED TO MEAN?”
”I mean. I just assumed.”
”It was only like two or three times...four or five MAX! It was JAIL, not prison! Jail is like having a sleepover at someone else’s friend’s house that's all gross and disgusting, but you can’t leave until the morning. Prison is like...you have to live there. There’s a difference.” Kenzi sat back in her chair folding her arms defensively in front of her. ”Still...that doesn’t mean I have any idea what to do in a match like that! Plus I’m still injured! She absently fingered the gold colored face covering she’d taken to wearing in public the last few weeks. ”I need me one of those LeBron James face masks on top of my two Corona masks.”
”RIP.”
”LEBRON ISN’T DEAD ROXY!’ Kenzi yelled, throwing up her hands in exasperation.
”Well how would I know anyway? I don’t even like baseball!”
”BASKETBALL!”
”Oh wow, okay, so you love basketball but you’ve never been to prison. Sure.”
”JAIL ISN’T PRISON!”
”Look. It doesn’t matter, okay? I’ve been in a Prison Break Match. I WON the Prison Break Match in 2018 for me and Angie. I’ll make sure we win again, just like last time. Easy peasy lemon squeezy. Who’s even in it anyway?”
Kenzi gave an exasperated sigh. She hadn’t bothered to pay much attention since she hadn’t planned on showing up since UGWC had shot down her demand to have Old Lady Levene personally reinstate her. “Some team that won the titles back when I was 10 years old, Hide and SEBIII, and Vain and Roberts, the champs.”
”Oh. Ew. Gross. Okay, well, If Vain is one of the champions right now then it might be a little tougher than I thought. He’s a pretty good wrestler I guess, and he knows all about how to win in the Coalition. I’m not worried about the others, though… but one thing that DOES worry me is that they all have some kind of head start bonding. Face it, Kenz, I haven’t been in the ring in months and the last couple of times I went out there for the Coalition I got treated pretty unfairly. We haven’t tagged together in ages, and all of these teams already have their rhythm! We need to gel. We need a real team bonding experience, you know? Something to REALLY bring us together more than we ever have been before, so we can shut all these idiots up once and for all about us and our faith.”
”Well I’m all ears, Rox. What do you suggest? A spa day? A tandem nuru massage? You know, when me and Sarah need to get in the zone we…”
”PLEASE Kenz, I do NOT want to hear about how you and Sarah Lacklan scissor yourselves into shape, okay? That’s not going to be the answer for us. You and Sar have a totally different kind of bond. An icky skin to skin kind of sweaty monkey sex bond. You and me have a SPIRITUAL bond. A bond forged through our mutual outlook and understanding of the universe. A bond that, unlike the armpit fart noises that come from you and Sarah slamming your clams together, should have tangible, real world implications. We need to really rock the boat here!”
”That’s just a low blow Rox. You know I don’t have a boat anymore.”
”Yeah, well, whose fault is that? I mean honestly, Kenz, who just lets someone GIVE AWAY their multimillion dollar yacht… with a bitchin’ golden helicopter to boot!”
”That wasn’t my fault! I had no choice, Rox, you know that! Aveline insisted and it just… happened. You know how hard it can be to balance things with Sarah and Aveline and all that!”
”Yeah, well. Still. But you know… that might be it, Kenzi! Maybe the Red Queen is the answer!”
”You’re gonna help me buy my boat back!?”
”Better.”
”You’re gonna help me buy a BETTER boat?”
”Even better… we’re going to TAKE the Red Queen back!”
”What do you mean, take it back? You mean steal it? Rox we can’t do that. I don’t even know where the damn thing is. Last time I saw it was when Sar told me Ava was going to use it as a floating Sunday school to brainwash kids in that nutty cult of theirs!”
The silence that passed between the two practicing Scientologists was palatable. Roxy was the first to break the silence was a long, loud, laugh.
”Bordy turned your boat into a cultist cruise ship! That’s the most ridiculous thing I have ever heard!” Roxy smirked, secure in the knowledge that Sea.Org would never engage in such silliness. ”At any rate, we’ll find it. I mean, it’s a gigantic bright red mega yacht. You can’t exactly just hide one, you know?”
”Man, you don’t know Aveline like I do. She could have it docked inside a hollowed out volcano as a secret lair or something, it wouldn’t surprise me!”
”Oh please. Hollowed-out volcanoes are SO passe. What is this, some sort of James Bond movie? She isn’t a super villain, Kenz. She’s just a bitch.”
”Man, you REALLY don’t know her.”
”What I DO know is that you and I have plenty of friends and influence. We have paps following us 24/7! Look, there’s one right over there!”
Roxy points across the street to where a photographer with a CTN badge is hiding behind a potted plant, snapping pictures of the two of them while they eat.
”Son of a bitch!” Kenzi slouches down in her chair, absently covering her face as she hides from the cameraman. She adjusted her face covering, making sure that ruined face wouldn’t be plastered all over television the next day.
”See? He’s one of yours, right? CTN? They know EVERYthing about you and your family. They MUST have some idea of where the Red Queen is. We can go to their offices, dig through the archives, and find the yacht before bedtime. Simple.”
”I don’t know, Rox… CTN’s HQ is locked down over all this stuff, everyone’s working remote. Plus, that’s some Watergate shit! It’s illegal!”
”Are you really going to worry about that? Do you want to just be a good girl every day of your life and let everyone take things away from you? Your money, your yacht, your career, and your Cooperative Title opportunity?”
Roxy’s words cut Kenzi to the quick, prompting her to respond without thinking. ”Hell no!”
”Exactly! So forget what THE MAN says is allowed, we go take what is rightfully ours! Screw the deep state lamestream media, we’re going to get answers, and we’re going to get YOUR boat back!”
”YOU’RE GODDAMN RIGHT! THAT BOAT IS MINES! I BELIEVE IN FREEDOM! I DIDN’T LAND ON PLYMOUTH ROCK, PLYMOUTH ROCK LANDED ON ME!”
”Calm down there, Cuba Gooding Junior. RIP.”
”That was Denzel, and don’t you DARE say RIP! Both those men are alive!”
”Whatever, calm down! You’re making that paparazzo work way too hard, you’re going to be on every cover in town. We need to be covert, here.”
Kenzi propped a folding menu up in front of herself. ”Right. Right. No witnesses. Keep it tight between us, we don’t need a squealer like Deep Throat.”
”OMG I love that movie!”
”NO! Dammit Roxy, never mind… let’s focus here. CTN really does follow me around a lot. That FAQ guy is always calling me and emailing me asking me about the Lacklans and whatever crazy volcano lairs they might have. They probably really do know where the Red Queen is. But how are we gonna get in, Rox? It’s shuttered up in the offices and California is quarantined!”
”You can just break us in, bb.”
”ME?? I don’t know how to pick locks or any shit like that!”
”Seriously?”
”Yes seriously! Why do you keep thinking I know all this crime stuff?”
Roxy lets out a long sigh and presses her thumb and forefinger on either side of her sinuses, trying to fight off a stress headache.
”Okay. New plan. We’ll call Maleek. He can break us in.”
”Maleek? Why hi… BITCH! Do you think only black people know how to break and enter?”
It was too late, Roxy was already on the phone. ”Shh. It’s ringing.”
BUZZ BUZZ BUZZ
Maleek Raheem’s hand reached out for the phone vibrating on his nightstand, more on instinct than anything else. The CTN executive put the phone to the side of his face as he answered in a sleepy tone, “…yo…”
”Maleek! What are you doing? Kenzi and I need you right now!”
“Who tha fuck this is?” Raheem started to sit up, but the weight of his wife draped and dozing on his chest held him in place. The two of them lay in a tangle of sweaty limbs and rumpled sheets, the product of days together in quarantine without JT Jr. there to keep the estranged couple otherwise occupied. Sleeping with his wife hadn’t been his intention…getting her to sign their divorce papers was. Weirdly, both had happened…and now…
”Hello?! Are you there? You don’t have the Rona, do you?”
Raheem frowned, “Hell no! Why you calling me Roxy? I know that’s you!” Raheem managed to slip from under Maria without disturbing her sleep. “What do you want?!”
”Kenzi and I are looking for a man…with a particular set of skills...”
Raheem raised his eyebrow at this, looking down at his sleeping, so-to-be ex-wife. He slipped into the bathroom. “Oh? Ya’ll need your boy to come knock the quarantine dust of those asses?”
”EW! NO…we need someone to help us get into CTN. We need some…information, and we know if anyone has what we need, they do.”
Raheem rolled his eyes. “Yo! You calling me for some bullshit like that? NO! Hell no! I got better shit to do than that…BYE!”
“Like what? Maria? Is that what you have to do Raheem?”
His finger hovered over the disconnect button, but her words left him frozen. Part of him really did want to hang up the phone and dive headfirst back into them sweet warm cheeks. In the weeks since they’d been together that’s all they had done…she was all that he had done.
“HELLO? Are you seriously going to abandon two hot chicks in need to stay with your wife? What kind of man are you?”
Raheem teetered on the brink, then brought the phone back to his ear. “Fine…I’ll help…but don’t think this shit is free! I’mma need some shit for my time, you heard?”
”Kenzi will take care of it. Just tell Sarah it’s a black thing, she’ll have to let it slide. See you there in an hour, bye!”
“What the fuc…” Raheem started, then stopped as he stared at his phone. He walked back to the doorway and looked over at Maria’s sleeping form in his bed. He could feel the urge rising in him to just blow off Roxy and Kenzi. What did he care about the two of them and whatever hairbrained scheme they were trying to drag him into. A bird in the hand was worth way more than two in the bush…especially when he was in lov…
Raheem caught himself in mid-thought and shook his head. “Nah!” He wasn’t about to go there. Never again! He pulled the door closed and turned on the shower. He was heading out to do his thing! Maria had signed the divorce papers just like he asked and there was no way in hell he was gonna let her catch him up in no honey trap!
“Brotha gotta do what a brotha gotta do!”
Back inside the darkened bedroom, Maria Salvatore lay motionless in the bed. Her eyes slowly opened as she continued listening…her heart breaking as she did. Her man was going to leave her, in spite of everything she had done for him…everything the two of them had done together. Nothing had been enough to keep him.
A single hot tear slipped down her cheek…even as the anger in her blazed, turning it to vapor.
Circle Television Headquarters, Later On
”I thought you said Raheem was coming?” Kenzi said as she dug the end of a bobby pin into the door lock at the side entrance to CTN headquarters.
Roxy shrugged her shoulders as she climbed down from where she had just covered the camera to shield them from visual detection. ”I don’t know! Maybe he slipped and got stuck in Maria again!”
Kenzi paused, looking over at Roxy. ”You know his kid has been with Sarah and I for like a week? He better not be pawning that kid off on us so he can knock boots with the woman he’s been crying about divorcing all fucking year!”
Roxy snickered as she knelt down beside Kenzi. ”It’s probably that big ass of hers! He’s like one of those rap guys…he only talks to her because she looks like a total prostitute!”
”Are you quoting Baby Got Back?”
”NO!” Roxy folded her arms in front of her. ”It’s just that it’s so BIG…so ROUND! It’s just out there!”
”THAT’S SIR MIX-A-LOT! YOU’RE QUOTING HIS SONG!”
”OMG! Why are you being so dramatic right now? Maybe if you had a bigger ass he would have come here to help us!”
”BITCH, I…”
The door suddenly opened and Francis Alexander Quinn stepped out with Maleek Raheem while the two were in the middle of a conversation. “This social distancing thing has made my work a-“ FAQ froze in his tracks as he saw the two masked women. “OH MY GO-“ He turned to run and smashed headlong into the doorframe, knocking himself silly as he collapsed to the ground in an unconscious heap.
Raheem quickly reached into his jacket pocket and Roxy pulled off her mask, which was little more than one of those eye coverings like the Hamburglar wears. Otherwise she was dressed as normal and fully recognizable.”DON’T SHOOT! IT’S JUST US!”
Raheem breathed a sigh of relief as he let go of the wallet in his breast pocket. He didn’t have a gun, but he had no problem with throwing his money at the would-be robbers and getting out of Dodge. Of course, Roxy and Kenzi didn’t need to know that. He stood there speechless as Kenzi stood up and removed her mask as well. “What the fuck is ya’ll doing right now?”
Roxy looked down at FAQ, ”Committing manslaughter I think! Is this manslaughter Kenzi?”
Her eyes grew wide. ”He did that to himself!”
Roxy knelt down beside FAQ and pulled out a compact and put it near his nose. After she saw the mirror fog, she nodded and used it to look at herself. ”You’re lucky, it’s probably just aggravated assault since he’s still alive.”
“WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON?” Raheem yelled.
Roxy blew a kiss at herself in the mirror and turned to Raheem. ”We need some information on Lacklanland…and we know that CTN has tons of dirt on everyone! We just need a peek at their investigative files.”
Raheem stared at Roxy in disbelief, then turned to Kenzi. “You married to the bitch the place named after! How you don’t know everything what’s going on?”
Kenzi looked away, narrowing her gaze as she did. ”Ava and I don’t get along, so I’m not really privy to too much going on over there these days.” She sighed and looked up at Raheem. ”We just need to get in there and figure out where she’s hiding my ship.”
”And MY helicopter!” Roxy added.
”MY helicopter.” Kenzi corrected.
Roxy put her arm over Kenzi’s shoulder. ”OUR helicopter! I picked it…it’s gold!” Roxy winked.
Raheem shook his head, looking down at FAQ, then back to the two women. “This some crazy shit! This some REAL crazy shit.”
Kenzi planted her hands on her hips. ”You gonna take us to look for the files or what?!”
Raheem laughed out loud. “I don’t work in that section! I don’t know shit about that!” He pointed down at FAQ. “You got the dude that know all the shit right there!”
Roxy and Kenzi looked at each other, a silent conversation being had by the women. Things had gotten way out of hand, but there was no stopping now. They nodded in unison, both turning to stare at him.
Raheem’s eyes pinballed back and forth. “Why ya’ll looking at me?”
Lacklanland Docks - Dusk
The docks are drab and grey, other than the black and purple banners strewn about various ships in the massive harbor. Things are mostly desolate, though a few longshoremen are wheeling various crates and shipping containers around.
”Excuse me, bb, but could I use your phone? My boyfriend and I got into a fight and I’m VERY scared to be alone here…”
Roxy Cotton has sidled up to the lone security guard in his gatehouse. She’s managed to squeeze a few tears through her surgically modified lacrymal ducts, and it serves as the finishing touch on her damsel in distress routine. The fact that her bosom is barely contained within the deep cut of her sparkling cocktail dress certainly doesn’t hurt, either.
“Oh, sure thing Miss… here, if you just want to wait a few hours until my shift is over, I’d be more than happy to take you home in my car.”
”Oh my, would you do something like that just for little old ME?”
“I sure would… have you ever felt the strength of six cylinders of pure Dodge Neon? I bet you could really get a feel for how smooth a ride it is… in the back seat.”
The guard raises his eyebrows suggestively and Roxy bats her lashes hard enough to cause a serious butterfly effect several time zones over, but that’s a story for another time.
”Ooooo, bb, if I was wearing any panties right now they’d be totally soaked through! Want a peek?”
Rox starts to hike up the hem of her miniskirt a little. When the guard turns to face Roxy more fully, Kenzi Grey, dressed in head to toe black sweats and with a balaclava covering her face, leaps out from behind the guardhouse and drops the man onto the macadam face first with a swift karate chop to the back of the neck.
”HIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII-YA!!!!”
”Oh wow, that really worked! Just like the movies!”
”Captain Kirk was a master of hand to hand combat. I learned everything I know about close quarters combat from the original series!”
”What?”
”Nothing. Just help me drag this goon out of view before someone notices him. And by the way, how come it was you who got to act all seductive and sexy while I had to do the dirty work?”
”Erm… well… I mean think about it, Kenz. You’d be recognized in a heartbeat here! Plus I don’t own clothes like… that.”
Kenzi looks miffed temporarily, but then seems to reach the conclusion that it was the right call. She nods vigorously.
”Yeah, true, I’m a pretty big deal in L-Town. Though I’m pretty sure Sarah handed out some photos of you to the High Guard with instructions not to let you anywhere near the main building.”
”Bitch.”
”Sometimes!
Kenzi and Roxy take in their surroundings, wandering slowly past the guardhouse after rolling the security chief into a tool shed nearby.
Mostly obscured by shadows, the #ClearConnection are still careful to avoid the rotating spotlights that swing by every few minutes.
Kenzi shoved her hands into her pockets as she looked around. ”I hope the intel we got from FAQ was good. If it isn’t, being in a Prison Break match will just be a prelude to being in actual prison!”
”Well, at least you already know what to expect. The closest I’ve been to jail is watching Orange is the New Black while Vinnie rubbed applebutter on my feet.”
Kenzi stared at Roxy for a moment, wanting to ask about the applebutter, but something else caught her eye in the distance. ”Rox! There she is!”
Indeed, just a few hundred yards away from where Roxy and Kenzi stand, the glimmering crimson beauty christened as the Red Queen sits in stoic royalty in the dark waters of Lacklan Harbor. Still afloat, the pair are relieved to see that the ship has not been dry docked and is seemingly fully ready to embark.
”Oh wow, just like I remember! And there’s my helicopter!”
Roxy points to the helipad atop the vessel, where the solid gold chopper sits glinting in the evening light.
”Okay… now, I hope you don’t mind, but. Look, I know you said we needed to keep things to a minimum number of people with knowledge of our activities tonight…”
”Damn straight. I’m not getting turned into the cops because of some stool pigeon!”
Kenzi looked around nervously. Lacklanland was filled with pigeons, actual pigeons, and for all Kenzi knew they were already flying back to tell her wife what she was up to. ”Kenz, this boat is REALLY big. There’s no way we can get this thing to sea with just the two of us! Not safely anyway. Soooo… I asked Maleek to bring us some help.”
”You did WHAT!?”
Just then, a black van rounds the corner of the road leading up to the docks with squealing tires. The van then fishtails and knocks over a mailbox on its way down the road before careening past the guardhouse and coming to a sudden stop just a few inches away from Roxy and Kenzi. The side of the van has the unmistakable airbrushed logo for MAD RHYMES down the side.
Roxy pinned Kenzi with her gaze. ”WHAT THE HELL ROX? Why those two idiots?”
”We needed someone to get FAQ to talk...and it couldn’t be Raheem!” She pointed at the ship. ”If you ask me...I’d say it worked out pretty well!”
The two women watch as the sliding door slips open and a nauseous Maleek Raheem steps out on wobbly legs, slamming the door behind him. Maleek then drops to his hands and knees and starts kissing the ground below his feet.
“Oh Lord, I thought this bitch was gonna kill me, thank you God for another chance to draw breath…”
The front passenger side window of the van slowly lowers and the face of Bobbi London comes into view. Bobbi’s arm is still rotating as she turns the lever to lower the window further.
“Don’t be such a pussy, mate! You’s won’t get anywhere near these knickers if you’s can’t even ride in a van with me and Maxie without wettin’ youself!”
”Christ Bobbi, keep it down! We’re committing a felony here!”
“Yeh, well, whatever you’s say, Blondie. We’s ‘ere to ‘elp, ain’t we? Gonna bust this thing out of prison like the Millenium Falcon!”
”Huh?”
”She’s talking about that DUMB Star Wars franchise. Star Trek is where it’s at! Live long and prosper, bitch!”
Kenzi does that thing with her hand that Spock did all the time. You know the one. Only she does it right up in Bobbi’s grill. They then hear the driver’s side door slam shut and the massive frame of Maxine walks into view… wearing one of those masks from the Chewbacca Mom YouTube video. You know what I’m talking about. This one: www.youtube.com/watch?v=y3yRv5Jg5TI
”What the crap is that, Max?”
“It’s a disguise, sheila. What, you’s got one for youself, don’t ya? It’s all she had, I don’t see the big deal.”
***CHEWBACCA NOISES***
“Exactly, Maxie, Kenzi’s just bein’ judgmental as usual. No worries, though. ‘akuna matata.”
”I have no idea what you weirdos are talking about.”
“It’s me problem free philosophy!”
”Well it’s retarded. Shocker.”
Bobbi takes a step towards Roxy but Max presses a huge palm across Bobbi’s sternum and holds her back.
”Can we please just get on with things? The longer we stand around here acting suspicious, the more likely it is that we’ll get caught! Then we’ll all go to prison… LACKLAN prison… and me and Roxy won’t make it to No Holds Barred!”
“I almost didn’t make it to RIGHT HERE! This big man-looking bitch almost killed me three times between here and Los Angeles!”
***CHEWBACCA NOISES***
”Okay… well… here’s the plan. We get on the boat. If there’s any guards or pirates or whatever, Max and Bobbi take them out. THEN, Maleek can hotwire the ship…”
“Whoa whoa whoa… just a hot minute babygirl, what makes you think I can hotwire the damn Diamond Princess right here?”
Maleek lips his lips as he speaks, temporarily hypnotizing Roxy like a cobra rising from a basket. Kenzi has to send an elbow into her partner’s ribs to snap her out of the trance.
”Answer him, Rox!”
”HUH!? Oh, I mean… I just assumed…”
“Yeah. I bet you did.”
The group stands around looks at their feet, perhaps feeling the weight that comes along with preconceived notions and social prejudice. Luckily Maleek breaks the tension by pulling a screwdriver out of his pocket.
“I can probably do it with this.”
”Great! So then after Maleek hotwires it, Kenzi can just steer us to freedom!”
”Roxy what are you talking about? I can’t drive a yacht! I can’t even drive a car!”
”Well, one of us has to drive it… I mean I can’t…”
“Not me!”
“Nope.”
***CHEWBACCA NOISES***
”OMG what are we going to do? Should we get Sarah down here? She got her license right?”
”NO! Rox, think! We’re stealing this boat FROM THE LACKLANS! We can’t TELL any of them! Sarah will lose her damn mind if she knew we were out here doing this, she’s got to find out just like everyone else, when CTN reports that we were attacked by the Lacklan Armada!”
”Well somebody has to drive! Otherwise we’re just going to sit there on a docked boat like a bunch of idiots! We need more help!”
”We’ve already got too many people involved… we can’t have anyone out here that we can’t trust, Roxy. Who on Earth do we know who’s smart enough to know how to steer a ship?”
ONE HOUR LATER
”We ready to get this show on the water, dudes???”
“Loverboy” Vinnie Lane stands in front of the group of yacht hijackers, wearing a crisp white sailor uniform complete with a sailor cap atop his head. His tiny white shorts show off a pair of slender, albeit muscular, legs that are in serious need of a tan.
”Vinnie, when I said you could dress like a sailor if you helped us, I thought you meant, like, an admiral or something! Not this!”
”But babe, my butt cheeks looks WICKED in these cootchie cutters!”
”Please don’t call them that…”
“This is the guy we gotta rely on to get us out of this mess?”
”Don’t sweat it, dude! I happen to be replete with nautical know-how! I know my port from my starboard, and I can get this baby purring on the high seas in no time!”
”Vinnie why do you know how to drive a luxury yacht?”
”Great question, Mocha Mamacita! I worked my way through wrestling school back in Tampa by piloting a glass bottom boat tour in Clearwater! Over two hundred excursions without a single capsize! That’s a Florida State Record, dude!”
The group deteriorates into a cacophonous argument, everyone disappointed by Vinnie’s experiences behind the wheel of a seaworthy vessel. Roxy breaks things up by raising her voice into the shrill octave that only entitled white women have perfected.
”Guys… GUYS… GUYS!!!! … If Vinnie says he can drive a boat, then he can drive a boat. He’s not like SOME partners who lie to their lovers about not being able to walk and needing wheelchairs, etc.”
”Rox.”
”What? I’m just saying as a hypothetical example.”
”Yeah, sure. And I might hypothetically whip your narrow ass if you keep it up!”
”Whatever, Kenzi. The fact of the matter is we have a getaway driver. Now can we please just hurry up and get out of here?”
“So nobody’s gonna even ask how this fool got here from Los Angeles in an hour?”
“‘Appens all the time. Me and Maxie got ‘ere without ‘aving to stop for gas even once!”
“Well, how ‘bout this, then. We pack up into that A-Team van we rolled up here in, drop that bad boy into overdrive, and haul our asses right up that ramp to the deck? I pity any fools who get in the way!”
”Actually that’s not a bad idea. There’s no way we can just drift off from the docks without people noticing, we might as well just get them scared and confused first.”
”Hmmm… okay, I think that makes sense. Shotgun!”
“I’s got all-time shotgun, bimbo! It’s ME van!’
”Yeah but I called it, you have to call shotgun.”
”You do have to call it Bobbi, those are the rules.”
“This is BULLSHIT!”
The group walks over to the van and Maleek slides open the side panel door once again. Inside is F. Alexander Quinn, all tied up like a damsel in distress on some railroad tracks in a silent movie.
”You brought him with you?”
”MAN! There’s too many people witnessing all this!”
“I mean, they didn’t know what else to do with this jew-fro’d tenderloin sucka.”
”Hold on, Kenz… this might help. He can report LIVE from the Red Queen as we make our getaway! We need the public on our side, otherwise they’re going to think we’re just a couple of boat thieves. FAQ can get the court of public opinion leaning in our favor!”
”Just like OJ!”
”Yeah. Sure. Just like OJ.”
”Don’t you do it.”
”RIP.”
Vinnie stepped forward and clapped his hands, getting everyone's attention.
”Okay cats and kittens, let’s hop aboard this Fun Van and get this boat party a-rockin’! I love the sea life! Gets me feeling ALIVE, man! Call me BP, because I think once we get out to international waters I might take a break with Rox below decks to do a little offshore drilling!”
”Ugh.”
”What? You told me if I helped I’d get a second birthday!”
”Yeah but not NOW! We need to get out of here first!”
”Fine.”
Maxine gets into the driver’s seat of the van and Roxy opens the passenger’s door, but before she can get into the bucket seat she’s shoved aside by a shoulder thrust from Bobbi London, who scurries into the seat and then closes and locks the door, quickly rolling the window back up.
”HEY!”
”Forget it Rox! Let’s just get in the back and stop wasting time!”
Roxy glares at Bobbi through the window and Bobbi sticks her tongue out, mocking her safely from behind the glass.
Maleek shoves the wriggling FAQ to the side, pressing him up against the rear wheel well, and the rest of the gang pile into the van, finding a place to sit themselves down indian style on the shag carpeting.
”Sweet interior!”
“Thanks, mate! We’s needed it to be as absorbent as possible!”
The four of them sit silently and let London’s comment weigh heavily in the air between them, and then Maxine fires the van’s powerful engine to life. The high beams flare up and soon the motley crew of would-be yacht thieves are pointed directly at the rampway leading up to the Red Queen’s main deck.
Just as Max guns the engine, one of the spotlights lands on them, and a claxon sounds. Several workers around the harbor take notice and start making their way towards the van.
”Uh oh, dude. We’ve been made! Hit the gas, Max!”
Maxine slams the pedal to the metal and the van rocks forward, speeding toward the ramp. Dock workers and security guards have to dive out of the way to avoid being run down beneath the mighty wheels of the Mad Rhymes’ growling hulk of metal, the Flex Express.
“Crikey! They’re pulling the ramp away from the Queen! They’ve got us figured out, Maxie, you gotta make the jump!”
”JUMP!? What jump?”
With the ramp disengaging from the Red Queen and the gates to the harbour closing behind them, Maxine is left with no other choice. She grabs the gear shift, a custom-made stick with a T-Bone steak as the head, and throws the van into high gear. The Flex Express lurches, but when Max then jams her finger against a self-installed toggle switch and floods the engine with nitrous, it rushes forward at double its normal maximum speed and hits the ramp at 100 miles per hour.
”I DON’T WANNA DIE!!”
”Me either!”
“I kinda do sometimes.”
Through the windshield, the stars in the evening sky stretch into white stripes as the Flex Express leaps from the end of the ramp, arcing high in the sky directly across the face of the full moon rising in the East, with Maxine howling through the driver’s side window the whole way.
***CHEWBAAAAAAAAAAAAAACCAAAAAAA NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOISESSSS***
Then, after all seven passengers hold their breath for what seems like an entire minute, the tires of the van hit the wooden deck of the Red Queen and Max slams on the brakes.
The Flex Express skids to a stop against the inside of the ship’s hull, and the engine dies just as everyone realizes they’ve made it aboard safely.
”Well I’ll be damned. We did it!”
“We ain’t done yet. I gotta go find the ignition to this thing and get her fired up! Yo, Village People, come on with your boy. If you’re taking the wheel you’re gonna need to be ready!”
”Heck yeah! Let’s get this hunk of junk out on open water!”
Maleek and Vinnie open up the sliding door and run out of the van, headed for the bridge.
Stepping out from the driver’s side door, Maxine slowly walks to the hood of the van, which is now smoking with huge puffs of white steam billowing out from the grill.
“It’s all right, Maxie. We’s get ‘er fixed up good in no time, you’ll see.”
Bobbi says softly as she walks up behind her partner and lays a consoling hand on the behemoth’s quivering shoulder.
“She’s the most fearsome vehicle on four wheels now for sure! I reckon that was a fair sight less than twelve parsecs!”
”Let’s get ready, everyone… I don’t know how to tell you this, but it looks like we aren’t going to get away from this harbor without a chase!”
Standing on the deck in her six inch stiletto heels, Roxy points out over the rail back toward the Lacklanland Docks. A second ship of equal size to the Red Queen but in all purple and flying the banner of the Path of the Light has begun to slowly emerge from the other end of the docks.
”SHIT! We’re dead!”
Kenzi takes off in a sprint, kicking off her shoes and running with her wide, bare feet across the poop deck to where the lifeboats are. She grabs five life jackets and holds them close to her torso.
”These ones are MINES, I claim them! I can’t swim!”
”Come on, Maleek… come on, Vinnie…”
As the Le Yacht de Dieu slowly angles toward them, the #ClearConnection and Mad Rhymes stand and wait helplessly. A tense few moments passes, and then the sound of massive engines coming to life is heard. The deck below their feet starts to vibrate with the strength of the Red Queen’s turbines.
”Yes! They got it!”
The four of them run to the aft port side of the ship, and Maxine grabs the thick chain of the ship’s anchor, dragging it up from the seabed hand over hand until she’s able to pull it free and set the ship adrift.
Above them, Vinnie Lane and Maleek Raheem wave from the bridge. Vinnie adjusts his sailor cap and reaches up, pulling on the cord that sounds the yacht’s foghorn. The deep note rumbles through the night air as Vinnie then spins the captain’s wheel and the Red Queen pulls away from the harbor, out into open waters.
”OMG we’re gonna make it! We’re getting away!”
”There’s no way Bordy’s lackies are gonna let us just float off like that, Rox. I hope you’re ready for a FIGHT.”
Roxy places her hand on the back of Kenzi’s and squeezes. The two close friends look into each other’s eyes and smile.
”With you right here by my side? I’m ready for any fight that comes my way, bb.”
The Red Queen is steered out towards the deep blue sea (it should be noted that Maleek’s hat is like a shark’s fin). Hitting its cruising speed of 3 knots, it soon begins to put distance between itself and the harbor - but the one eyed, one horned, floating purple sinner eater is in hot pursuit, creating a low speed chase on the North Atlantic.
”Get that reporter out of the van. He can use my phone and live stream this! That other boat looks like pure evil and it’s chasing us when we aren’t trying to hurt anyone at all… the world should see it through our eyes!”
”Yeah! I got him!”
Once Kenzi had gotten the life vests on her arms and legs and torso, she hurried over to the still-simmering Flex Express and grabbed FAQ from the back of the van.
She sat him up and then untied him, then yanked away the thick duct tape that was gluing his mouth shut.
“OW! Hey, take it easy!”
”Listen up, buddy boy… you want to be a real journalist? You want the scoop? You got it right now! We’re getting chased by the evil empire here while trying to liberate MY boat from the clutches of the dark side!”
“Whoa, for real?”
”Yes for real. Now, I need you to get your scrawny little self over in front of the camera and tell the world what’s happening here! The people need to know who the good guys are, and it’s NOT the shock troopers and mercenaries that are aboard that giant purple floating death machine behind us!”
“I do usually take the side of the people who DON’T have storm troopers…”
”RIGHT! And we don’t! We just have ourselves and our friends who wanted to help Roxy and me tighten our bond before rolling into No Holds Barred this week. We needed this, Quinn! And now we need to get home in one piece!”
“But I’m a journalist! I’m bound by the code of journalistic integrity to remain neural! To show things in a fair and balanced - urk!”
Kenzi had grown tired of Quinn’s hemming and hawing and snatched him by the collar, grabbing him up close so that the tip of his nose was right up against her own as she growled at him through gritted teeth.
”BOY YOU BETTER HEAR ME NOW! If you don’t go on CTN and tell the world we’re being terrorized by nasty pirates and that our innocent lives hang in the balance, SO HELP ME I will toss your knock-kneed, pigeon-toed, bow-legged self overboard!”
With an Adam’s apple bobbing like a beach ball at high tide, FAQ nodded his head in vigorous agreement and capitulation. Kenzi let him free and smoothed out the wrinkles she’d put into his collared shirt, then pointed towards the stern of the ship where Roxy stood waiting with her cell phone in hand.
Quinn hurried over and grabbed Roxy’s phone, logging into his personal CTN app account and starting up a BREAKING NEWS stream as he strategically positioned himself in front of a backdrop of the Lacklan vessel approaching from the rear, slicing through the icy black waters just off the Northern Maine coast.
“HELLO! I’M FRANCIS ALEXANDER QUINN…AND I’VE JUST BEEN KIDNAPPED!” FAQ winched as he was slapped hard in the back of the head. He quickly corrected himself. “DID I SAY KIDNAPPED? I MEANT TO SAY TAKEN ON AN UNPLANNED NAUTICAL TRIP WITHOUT MY EXPRESS PERMISSION!”
He turned and looked behind him at the purple vessel in pursuit of them, knifing through the churning waters of The Red Queen’s wake. He turned back as his hair now framed his face in damp curls.
“I have with me, the duo known as the #ClearConnection, Roxy Cotton and Kenzi Lacklan! Can you tell our viewers exactly what is going on here?”
He turned the camera to Kenzi, who still wore a gold face covering to hide the injuries to her face. “We are tired of people taking from us! DO YOU HEAR ME? We are all sick and tired of having things taken from us by people with agendas and vendettas! We are SICK AND TIRED OF IT! But now…we are finally doing something about it! Almost two years ago this ship…The Red Queen, named after my wife…a ship we made a home, was stolen from me by Ava Lacklan…along with my wife’s birthright; Lacklanland itself! Almost everything that we owned was ripped out of our hands by a rich, greedy, arrogant woman who had NO RIGHT to lay claim to ANY of it!”
Roxy got into the shot with Kenzi as the ship bounced through the waves, causing them to both to sway from side to side. ”Bordy basically took my sister’s home and turned it into Sunday School for cultists! Would you like it if you came home one day and found the Manson family living in your living room like Once Upon a Time in Hollywood? NO! No you wouldn’t!” Roxy narrowed her eyes. ”Then imagine if Charles Manson and that sweaty, hawk-nosed blonde chick just up and took your living room and hid it in their secret volcano lair! You wouldn’t like that very much, would you?”
“...sweaty hawk-nosed blonde chick…?”
Roxy glared at Kenzi. ”OMG! We all saw it together! Maybe you should pay more attention to the movie in the theater than making out in the dark with Sarah!”
The camera didn’t pick up the blush behind her mask, but it was there. Kenzi turned back to the camera. “Manson Family aside...”
”RIP!”
“...this isn’t only about this ship and the greedy, self-serving bitch that stole it from me...it’s about all the other greedy self-serving sons of bitches that have been stealing from me...from my clear sister, Rox...and from all of the rest of you! We’ve all had things stolen from us for weeks, months...even years!”
HOOOOOOOOOOOOOONK!!!!
They are looked up as Vinnie hit the air horn and yelled for his First Mate to “BATTEN DOWN THE HATCHES!” Of course, no one did anything because no one knew who the first mate was or what hatches needed to be battened. Roxy’s blush was picked up on camera.
Vinnie turned the Red Queen hard to port, sending everyone staggering in different directions like an old episode of Star Trek since neither vessel had topped 7 knots.
Kenzi and Roxy recovered, shaking their fists in defiance of their pursuers.
FAQ turned the camera briefly to himself.
"High drama on the high seas! Will this chase end in triumph or tragedy?!"
He turned the camera back to Kenzi and she continued on, “Several weeks ago, I had my Chaos Title stolen from me at In Your Hands! It was ripped away, not just by an unjust and irrational voting system, but by a corrupt and bitter old woman! Old Lady Levene put me in harm’s way in a match that I never should have been in against an opponent who had NO right to be competing for my title! What’s worse, I only had ONE condition on making this right. Have that stupid old bitch come back and personally clear me for action.”
”She couldn’t even do that after she put my #ClearSister in danger and cost her several weeks of her career!”
“Not to mention the ratings!”
”Don’t even get me started on those, bb!” Roxy rolled her eyes with a heavy sigh. ”Thank goodness for Angie and what’s-her-name for keeping the place afloat in our absence!”
Kenzi smiled. “Keeping UGWC ‘afloat!’ I see what you did there Rox, but she’s not wrong! Desperate times call for desperate measures! The UGWC needed a draw to keep from going under, so they called on the duo they all but shoved aside last year in favor of ‘going in new directions’ after the #Cooloperative Titles were stolen from me in similar fashion to how I was robbed of the Chaos Title!”
HOOOOOOOOOOOOONK!!!
The three of them jumped as Bordy’s purple sea vessel maneuvered alongside the Red Queen. It’s crew wore black uniforms with rows of silver and gold pins. They yelled for the Queen to stop, but Vinnie poured on the speed, pulling slightly ahead. The Queen was up to at least 8 knots and the wind was at their backs...more or less as flocks of seagulls flew past them.
Bobbi and Max came out, hurling beer cans at the ship, sending several members of their crew scrambling for cover.
Roxy breathed a sigh of relief and continued on. ”Without the #CoolKids there to run that division, the Coalition has been stuck with merely ‘capable teams’ instead of truly deserving teams like myself and my #ClearSister.” Roxy smiled. ”But, guess what? That all ends on Monday when the two of us take back what is ours...what should have been ours for months!”
“I know, a lot of you out there are asking yourself, “what is she talking about?’ Well, THIS is what we are talking about; last year Roxy and I were the winners of the Lord of Trios Tournament!”
”The LAST winners, bb!”
Kenzi turned and gave her #ClearSister a high-five. “That victory guaranteed us a shot at the Cooloperative Titles...that I never should have had to defend against the same team I beat, back-to-back, but I digress! The fact of the matter is that the #ClearConnection is the ONLY legitimate team in this match and the fact that the likes of The Thames Valley Hit Squad and the Uncommonwealth are in this match, makes it yet another attempt by the UGWC to STEAL FROM US!!”
”They aren’t even trying to hide the fact that they are totally doing everything in their power to stack the deck against the two of us! Why aren’t we facing Wallace and Roberts, as the rightful #1 contenders? Why are wrestlers that have had multiple opportunities at titles...and failed...getting the chance of a lifetime against the champions and the only legitimate #1 contenders in the Coalition?”
Kenzi pointed to Roxy and herself. “You are looking at the two most deserving competitors in this match! During our many MANY times as champions in the Coalition, Roxy and I raised the UGWC to its most profitable time in its entire history!” Kenzi smirked beneath her golden face mask. “What have the Lame Valley Shit Squad done to be in the ring and challenge Blessed Vanity? Their only claim to fame is winning the titles in a handicap match almost 10 years ago!”
Roxy laughed. ”You remember when we tried to watch the footage of that match, but we couldn’t because we don’t own a reel-to-reel! That was hilarious, and sad...but mostly hilarious! Meanwhile, Kenzi and myself have won EVERY. SINGLE. TITLE in the Coalition and EVERY. SINGLE. ACCOLADE there is to be won. Not ten years ago, not five years ago, but within the LAST year. World Title? Got it. Cooperative Titles? Done it several times over. Cross-Semicircle? Chaos? Done it. Done it. Coalition Challenge? Lord of Trios? Wrestlestock? And most importantly… Prison Break? We’ve been there. We’ve done it all, and we’ve done it recently. Why on Earth would we not be able to do it all over again?”
“When was the last time Ryder and Blake won a match as a team in UGWC? Was THAT even sometime during this decade?!” Kenzi shook her head. “NO! No it wasn’t! So tell me this; how in the HELL are those two guys in this match? Did they EARN their opportunity at the titles like Roxy and I did when we won The Trios and solidified ourselves as the #1 contenders? NO! No they did not!” Kenzi shrugged. “At least Hide and SEBIII have been relevant this decade!”
Roxy qualified her partner’s statement. ”Just barely bb, just barely! I’ve beaten those guys so many times that when they show up to a match they do rock, paper, scissors to see who’s going to take the fall against me! Monday night at No Holds Barred is going to be more of the same, me winning and the two of them going home losers!”
“I’m not going to pretend that I’m above Hide and SEB, I’ve lost to both of them before, but those were vastly different times and now I’m not going into the match with some random person for no stakes...I am walking into Everett, Washington with a woman I have had a years-long connection with!”
”We didn’t just make up our team name! We have an actual connection... a #CLEAR Connection!”
HOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOONK!!
They paused looking to the side as the ship gained on them again. This time when Bobbi and Max let loose their barrage, the crewmen of Le Yacht de Dieu were ready with riot shields to block the attack.
“HANG ON DUDES!”
Vinnie turned the ship hard and this time everyone stumbled in the opposite direction. The chase was getting real now and seagulls were no longer the only spectators. News choppers were hovering overhead to report on the low speed yacht chase that bore a very familiar appearance to a white Ford Bronco chase many years prior.
Kenzi looked at Roxy with concern etched on her face, but Roxy gave a knowing smirk. This wasn’t over for them, she had planned for just such an emergency.
Kenzi waved for FAQ to keep the camera on the two of them. “The worst part about taking on The Uncommonwealth is the fact that I’m an actual member of that group! Or, at least I was a member when Johnny was my agent! He said it himself, I was the crowning jewel of that group and Hide and SEBIII pulled up the rear!” She held up a singler finger. “That’s not a slam, that is just the truth! Every team has that one player that makes the whole team special...”
Roxy added, ”Like me on the Cincy Hit Girls!”
“Yes, the team I was the captain for.”
Roxy looked away as she whispered, ”...we didn’t win any titles...”
There was a pregnant pause, then Kenzi and Roxy burst out laughing. “AND NEITHER WILL THE UNCOMMONWEALTH!” The two continue to laugh. “I love you guys a ton, but business is business and losing out on this opportunity when UGWC has gone out of its way to stack the deck against us is a chance I can’t pass up! I was screwed out of the Cooloperative Titles last year against SEBIII and Cutie Taylor and I was screwed out of weeks of my career by that bitch Old Lady Levene! Now the Coalition thinks they can just bring me and humiliate me again while erasing the fact that WE are the only legit contenders to Blessed Vanity? No… sorry boys, it aint gonna happen!”
“Not a chance on this entire flat planet. Not when me and my #ClearSister are clicking like this well. We’re humming like a hitachi on high power! We’ve got Coalition Destiny to achieve, AGAIN!”
Kenzi nodded in agreement. “History against the only other team in this match with credentials to match ours! Wallace and Roberts have a legendary pedigree in the Coalition! Roberts was on hand when the very first brick was laid to build the Coalition! He’s the one that hit the switch and turned on the lights during the UGWC creation story!” Kenzi snickered, “But all kidding aside, Roberts might have made his return as a laughing stock last year at the Massive Melee, but the comedy routine is over and he’s been hitting on all cylinders since forming a team with Vain, a man that I credit with giving me the tough lesson that I needed to learn when I was ready to leave two years ago!”
Kenzi looked over at Roxy, but she had taken to her phone. She held up her finger. “Keep going bb, I got this.”
Kenzi turned back to the camera. “Vain was the measuring stick for being a champion in this company when I arrived. He gave me my first lesson on how to survive in this company...and it was a bitter pill to swallow, but I did...and I flourished! I took those lessons and instead of quitting I racked up 3 more championship wins! I owe Wallace for giving me the best career advice I have ever had...simply, to just be myself.” Kenzi nodded silently to herself. “Good advice he gave me when I was being attacked by everyone for trying to do what I thought was the right thing. Well, here I am again, under fire for trying to do the right thing, but there is no way in hell that I’m going to just roll over and let people bury me before my time! I’m not going out to pasture...not yet, but the same can’t be said for others in this match!”
Roxy hung up her phone and gave Kenzi a knowing nod before turning her attention to the camera. ”I told you earlier, we had destiny to achieve! Not only that, but we’re also going into this Prison Break Match with a little extra motivation… we lost a good friend and competitor of ours recently! Claire Rogers, from the BGTL team that we beat SO MANY times. In a row, right Kenz?”
”Yup. Probably like five times in a row.”
”That’s SO MANY! But even though Claire punched out Kenzi’s uterus and gave me a huge concussion all while looking like a racehorse, I still think she deserves to have her memory honored by the best team she ever faced. US! So I think me and Kenzi obviously should dedicate this Cooperative Championship VICTORY to the memory of our dear friend, Clydesdale Claire!”
“Oh crap! Look out there!" Kenzi pointed as the Red Queen had run into a trap as Le Yacht de Dieu had called in reinforcements, two huge whaling vessels with massive harpoons aimed for the broadside of their ship.
"OH MY GOD! WE’RE GONNA DIE!!"
Everyone was in a panic, except Roxy. Kenzi grabbed her friend. “ROXY?!!!”
Roxy looked at her, holding up a single finger, denoting that this was their once chance...that 1 in 14,000,605 times that they would win the day.
Everyone ducked for cover as the whaler’s fired their harpoons just as Vinnie yelled.
"SHIP DECLOAKING OFF OUR STARBOARD BOW, DUDES!"
The harpoons struck home, lodging themselves into the side of the massive flagship of the Church of Scientology, the Freewinds!
A massive cheer went up as the Red Queen puttered by and Le Yacht de Dieu was cut off and forced to give up the pursuit. FAQ held up his camera to capture the moment as the #ClearConnection jumped around in celebration of their high seas heist.
”I might have put in a call to the SeaOrg just now. They owed me a favor.”
Kenzi grabbed Roxy, pulling her into the shot. “THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU HAVE #CLARITY ON YOUR SIDE! THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU HAVE AN UNBREAKABLE BOND OF TRUST BETWEEN TEAMMATES! THERE’S NOTHING YOU CAN’T ACCOMPLISH!!”
”One hundred percent, bb. That’s why we’ve come this far already, and why we’ll do whatever we choose to do. We’re #CoolKids. We’re sisters. We’re CLEAR… and now we’re free. You’ve got your property back and we can take it wherever we want to go. So… what’s the first stop?”
Kenzi looked out over the railing, staring up at the clear night sky as the stars of Orion’s belt glimmered high above them.
”Rox… I think we set sail for No Holds Barred, and we don’t turn back until we leave the Prison Break Match with the UGWC Cooperative Titles! What about you? Where do you want to go?”
Roxy just smiled and stood next to her friend.
”With you, bb. With you.”
And the Red Queen sailed into the night, full of friends and optimism.
HOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOONK!!!
***CHEWBACCA NOISES***
~THE END~
x2