Post by Sebastian Everett-Bryce on May 30, 2020 20:20:27 GMT -5
“What exactly are we doing here, Numbers?” Sebastian asked as he removed his aviators and tucked them in his inside pocket.
“Welcome to Trilogy Team building.” Said the man on the front desk.
“Nope.” Said Seb turning towards the door.
“P-please, Mr. Everett-Bryce the, ah, the Third.” Said Doctor Numbers imploringly. “Y-you and Mr. Yamazaki, uh, you know, you have a wonderful opportunity and-and this would be a f-fantastic way of building team spirit.”
“Except I’ve done this before, Numbers. I did this with Sloane last year - some crazy camping and raft building nonsense, then I got a shot in the pills from a paintball and that’s all she wrote. So thanks, but no thanks.” Seb said.
“But sir, this is no ORDINARY team building exercise.” Said the man on the front desk.
“No?” Asked Seb, not even trying to hide his boredom.
“Nope. You get the chance to choose a Team Building session built around your choice from one of three of the greatest movie trilogies of all time. Star Wars, The Lord of the Rings and Austin Powers!”
“Wait… Austin Powers?” Seb asked, his brow furrowed. “One of the greatest movie trilogies of all time?”
“Precisely, sir.” Said the man, still on the front desk.
“Well… I mean… I suppose.” Seb said, still furrowed. “Alright, Numbers - which one are we supposed to be doing?”
“O-One?” Dr. Numbers asked. “When I, ah, when I looked this p-place up, I didn’t, ah, think it was just… You know… Just, ah… One.”
“What did you do, Numbers?” Seb asked, his eyes narrowing dangerously.
“Oh! Is this the Dr. Numbers party? That’s fantastic - you’re doing all three.” Said the man, no longer at the front desk, but looking nervous as Hide eyed his clipboard with what suspiciously looked like hunger.
“All three?” Seb said. “That’ll take hours!”
“Two hours each experience. Three experiences, that’s eight hours!” The man said.
“Hold on - is your name Travis Roberts? Because you’re mistakenly doing meth instead of math. That’s six hours.” Seb said smugly, his year six SATs all coming back to him.
“That’s correct, sir. But as you’ve purchased the exclusive package, it also comes with an additional meal and award ceremony.” He replied with delight.
“We’re not staying for that. You’ll be lucky if we make it the full six hours without Hide devouring someone whole.” Seb said, before looking up at his Cooperative partner who was now busy sinking his teeth into a full size cardboard cutout of Jabba The Hut. “Case and point. What the hell were you thinking, Numbers?”
“E-exactly!” The Doctor said. “Numbers! One number, a-actually. The number three! This is the, ah, the t-third time that you and, and Mr. Yamazaki have faced Mr. Wallace and Mr. Roberts for the, ah, you know, the Cooperative Championships. I th-thought it would be, uh, good for you to experience a trilogy o-of trilogies to help you learn how to b-beat your greatest foes!”
“You know technically this is my fourth match - they beat Sloane and I originally.” Seb said a touch painfully.
“Precisely!” Numbers said. “The Lord of the Rings has The Hobbit. Star Wars has the p-prequels and the, ah, the Disney trilogy. These are the m-most important of the trilogies.”
“And Austin Powers?” Seb asked skeptically.
“W-well… There were rumours of a f-fourth film, and they were en-entirely promising, but in the end they f-failed to deliver.” Numbers replied. “M-much, if I might say, like… you know… like, ah, and with all due respect... yourself at Horizons.”
“I wish Hide would eat you.” Seb said scornfully.
“Ho ho, very d-droll, Mr. Everett-Bryce the Third.” Said Doctor Numbers. “Well… I m-must dash.”
“Wait, where the hell are you going?” Seb asked incredulously. “Who’s going to translate to Hide?”
“W-what? I don’t speak Japanese. Mr. Yamazaki tends to do what Mr. Yamazaki wants to do - we just p-pretend to be in charge. Enjoy your afternoon, Sebastian.” Dr. Numbers said, before hightailing it into the distance. Seb’s shoulders slumped and he heaved a heady sigh.
“Alright, Hide. Let’s get this over with.” He said, before turning to face Yamazaki, who was in the midst of finishing Jabba's face. “Would you stop that? You’re going to spoil your free dinner.”
What felt like hours later but was in fact mere minutes, Sebastian and Hide had changed into their first costumes of the evening. Yamazaki was wearing a blue crushed velvet suit, paired with a shirt adorned with frilly collars and cuffs. On his head was a fury brown wig, and similarly covered his massive chest. He was chewing like a cow - it was to be expected when you hand a man like Hide a pair of plastic false teeth. Conversely, Seb was wearing… Well…
“Excuse me, sir.” Their host, Richard, said.
“Hmm?” Asked Seb.
“I was just wondering… There were dozens of costumes from which to choose. Is there any particular reason you chose…” He stopped and moved his hand up and down to signal the costume.
“What, this? Well, it feels obvious. Hide decided he wanted to be Austin Powers and there can’t be two Austin Powers.” Seb answered.
“And the only viable alternative was... “ Rick began.
“Felicity Shagwell, yes.” Said Seb as he pulled down the velvet hot pants of his 60’s style romper suit. He pushed the long blonde hair from his face and pulled up his knee high boots.
“But, you could have played the role of Austin, and your friend could have easily played the role of…” Rikard began.
“I do hope you’re not suggesting that my very Japanese friend could play the stereotypical and somewhat racially insensitive “Random Task”?” Seb asked. “Because I’m not sure he’d enjoy that.”
“Ahem. No. Of course not.” The host answered as Hide stopped, cracking his knuckles. “Alright, we’re almost ready to get started. You’re going to work your way through three Austin Powers themed tasks - each of which is designed so you save the world. I’ll be… Wait… What the hell is that?”
“What, him?” Seb said pointing to the grey suited something stood on a pull cart. “That’s Mini-Me.”
“Mini-You?” The Rich asked.
“No, Mini-Me. From the movies.” Seb said smiling.
“Mini-Me was a clone of Doctor Evil, yet one eighth his size…” Said Dickie, knowledgeably.
“Yes?” Seb said, non-plussed.
“That is not the face of Doctor Evil nor beloved actor Verne Troyer.” Richie said.
“Correct.” Said Seb with a smile. “That, my good man, is our mutual friend Johnny Bonecrusher.”
“Okay, but… Why?” He asked.
“Because Johnny is one eighth of the size of a normal human.” Seb said grinning. Hide even gave a small chuckle, which unnerved Seb as he wasn’t aware Yamazaki spoke English.
“I… That’s… You know what? You guys do you - you ready to go?” Rickie asked.
“As I’ll ever be.” Seb said, as he took his place, ironically, just behind Hide to recreate the apparently iconic movie poster.
“Alright… Go!” Said their host.
They managed rather well, passing through the first movie without much fuss save for a somewhat sticky moment when it had been revealed that Hide had eaten the floss they needed to use to escape from the ill-tempered mutated Sea Bass with laser beams attached to their heads. Doctor Evil had escaped in his rocket that was shaped like a giant… Dick had congratulated them on their speed and pace through the first section, despite their setback.
The second was going smoothly until Seb was forced to seduce Plus-Sized Bastard in order to gain intelligence. Seb wasn’t sure what was worse: having to do it, or the fact that he’d quite enjoyed it. The fact that Hide hadn’t even pretended to be jealous once it was done had left Seb displeased with his cosplay colleague. They had battled through the moon-base, and once again Doctor Evil had managed to escape.
And now they were about to engage their final enemy. Doctor Evil, Richard in a bald cap, had now joined their side.
“Alright, gentlemen, this is the final task - you must take the key from Goldmember in order to save the world.” Dick said.
“You ready, partner?” Seb asked. But Hide looked as disinterested as ever.
“Hey - Hide. See that guy up there?” Seb said, pointing at Goldmember who was stood atop the gantry surveying the chaos. Hide looked up and gave what appeared to be a nod. “That’s Goldmember - except it’s not. It’s Vain - he’s obsessed with Gold. Obsessed with legacy. He’s obsessed with being respected.”
“I’m sorry, who are you talking about? His name is Carl.” RIchard said.
“No, his name is Alan Wallace, and he’s an unimaginable arsehole, but he’s a born winner. He’s also prone to a moment of self-crisis or two, and believe it or not? Despite having one of the longest reigns as a Cooperative Champion of all time, he’s in the midst of yet another bout of self pity. Well now he’s finally got what he wanted, hasn’t he, Hide? He’s in the Main Event now - but here’s the thing. It’s not Alan Wallace that’s Main Event money. It’s us. Understand?”
Yamazaki barely responds.
“Golden balls up there, he’s a representation of everything that Alan Wallace is. Greedy, narcissistic and obsessed with what people think about him. He hides his insecurities behind bravado, but in the end he’s just the same as every billy big bollocks that swings a dick in a fight - he’s one big moment away from being forgotten. We’ve lost twice so far, Hide - but I don’t think we realised just how well we could work together until right here, right now where we’re on the cusp of saving the entire world.” Seb said with a grin. “So let’s go and get him. Let’s go and save the world and prove why we’re the next Cooperative Champions.”
Hide looks at Seb without any reaction whatsoever.
“Also his cock and balls might be the key we’re looking for, so it’s worth keeping in mind.” Seb said with a grin. Hide slowly climbed to his feet, and it was an impressive sight. He seemed to swell even larger than he’d ever been before and then… He turned and walked in the opposite direction.
“Wait.. Hide… NO!” Seb said, before his shoulders slumped. “Forget it. Come on, slap head. Let’s go.”
“My name, is RIchard.” Said the host indignantly.
Seb and Richard made their way through the henchman, tossing them left and right. They finally reached a ladder and began to climb.
“Do you need… To pull down… Your hotpants?” Asked Richard as he followed Seb.
“I’d love to - I’m wearing a thirty dollar costume and fifteen dollars of it is wedged up my arse.” Said Seb as he climbed. Finally, they reached the top level.
“Ohhhh Ms. Shagwell… Doctor Eeeeeevil… You come to challenge me and try to take my gooooooo… ooooooh fuuuuuuuuuuck.” Said Goldmember. Seb looked confused at the sudden change in tone. And then he glanced down to find a hand between Goldmember’s legs, clearly squeezing his junk.
“Oh Christ. Hide. It was a joke.” Seb said as Hide turned Goldmember towards the keyhole which, for some strange reason, was located at the edge of a precipice. “Seriously, let him go. His penis is NOT a key!”
Hide looked down at his handiwork, and then back at Seb. He released Goldmember who dropped the key with a clunk on the metal grated floor. And yet, as Goldmember lurched away from Hide, he lost his footing falling over the edge.
“Carl!” Shouted the host. Seb looked over the edge where Carl lay on top of a pile of fallen henchmen. He was moving slowly and groaning.
“The key!” Seb said, turning around, to find Hide chewing away on the gold. “For god sake, Hide…”
“Well at least you’re dressed appropriately this time.” Said Richard, dressed as Gandalf the White complete with a long beard. They eyed the tall gentleman dressed as an Uruk-hai in the distance, who Seb assumed was the first task. Seb looked down at his Hobbit attire, complete with ridiculously oversized feet.
“I’m sorry, Dick, but do you have a problem with a man dressed as a woman?” Sebastian asked.
“Well if you must know, yes - women have a hard enough time finding strong characters to play in this line of work without men stealing them away.” Richard added.
“Not entirely sure insulting your clientele is the best way to get repeat business, but sure. Shoot your shot.” Seb said.
“I’m just saying that there are enough men for you to emulate without needing to muscle in on the female territory.” Richard added.
“Interesting - tell me, if my friend Sloane had walked in and said she wanted to dress like one of the male characters, would you have had the same issue?” Seb asked.
“Well… That’s…” Richard stumbled.
“Because for me, gender shouldn’t come into it - boys can want to be Wonder Woman, and girls can want to be Ironman. Unless, what you’re saying is, women look better in the hot pants and the low cut top I stuffed with tissue paper?” Seb said, furrowing his brow. “Are you disappointed you didn’t get to see a woman wandering around dressed in that costume… Dick?”
“Let’s…Just… Move along.” Richard said.
“I thought so, Dick. I thought so.” Seb said. He turned to face the Uruk-hai and then glanced down at Hide’s feet. “Are they your actual feet?”
Hide grunted something that Seb assumed was a yes.
“They’re huge. And they’re so very hairy.” Seb said.
“Thank you.” Said Hide. In Japanese.
“Hey! There we are! You’re using your words. Shame no-one here speaks Japanese.” Seb said, before looking back at their first target. “You know, Dick, there’s something that has always baffled me about the Lord of the Rings films…”
“What’s that?” RIchard asked, not just a little frustrated.
“In The Fellowship of the Ring, the big fight at the end is between Aragorn and the Uruk-hai. Sure, it’s the first time he’s ever met one, but he takes quite a while to actually kill it. Then, after that, everytime he faces one he pretty much One-Shot kills them all. My question is, how come one fight suddenly made him - and in turn, all of the rest of the Fellowship - suddenly able to kill off this new band of fighters like they’re nameless henchmen?” Seb asked.
“Well… Obviously… He shared the knowledge of their fighting style and their weaknesses with the rest of the group…” RIchard replied, but a little sheepishly.
“Oh, so every Uruk-hai had the same fighting style and weaknesses? Well that seems like a huge flaw in the breeding process. It’s basically like cloning a terrible warrior hundreds of times.” Seb replied.
“Could we just.. Focus? You have three tasks again… This is the first.” Richard said, trying to change the subject.
“Right you are, Gandalf.” Said Seb, turning to Hide. “Sam - bring Merry and Pippin.”
Hide nodded and picked up the two small stuffed figures, each with a picture of Johnny Bonecrusher, but with different facial expressions. Seb looked up at Richard and grinned.
“Life size…” He nodded.
“Oh for goodness sake…” Richard said moving forward.
The first task was simple enough - Seb took on the Uruk-hai in scripted combat while Hide slowly scooped out what was essentially Pippin’s brain and ate it. The second task had required Seb and Hide to abandon the rest of their party as they ascended up Two Towers. Seb had questioned Richard as to how this is anything like the film, to which Richard had replied “It’s Two Towers.”
Once they’d reached the top and walked down the steps provided, they found themselves at the bottom of what could possibly be described as a mountain. It was one of those pyramid type things that you would see on Gladiator. They were given a large golden hoop which they were meant to carry to the top while a stooped and gurning individual tried to stop them and push them back down. He, by all accounts, was Gollum. And he wanted the ring for himself.
“Why is Gollum six foot three?” Seb asked.
“Why is Samwise six foot two?” Richard asked snarkily.
“Six foot one actually - I know my partners profile page.” Seb replied sharply. “Alright, do you know what we have to do?”
“I do.” Replied Hide in Japanese. “But tell me - what is my motivation?”
“Still no idea what you’re saying big man - you’ve been here a while. Might want to learn a thing or two perhaps?” Seb said. “Anyway, I’m going to give you some motivation.”
Hide rolls his eyes.
“That, right there, isn’t Gollum. It’s Travis… Roberts. Can you see it? The strangely lanky body, the oddly gaunt face, the lank, greasy and definitely thinning hair. That hairline goes farther back than my family tree. Then look at the teeth. The teeth that look like they haven’t seen a toothbrush in several years. Granted, Travis has perfectly straight teeth, but I suspect that’s down to his gollum teeth having been replaced some time ago. Do you see it?”
“Not exactly.” Said Hide, yet again in Japanese. Which is odd given he seems to understand conversational English.
“I’m going to take that as a yes - but it’s not just physically. He has a clawing, grasping need to retain some semblance of his former self. Those days when it was the name Travis Roberts that the world spoke. Desperate to take back control of that which made him feel complete, and yet in some ways pushed him further away from a sense of self worth. He can’t see that he was controlled, not only by his urges, but by that very thing he claimed to want.” Seb said, his arm around Hide’s massive shoulder, painting the scene like a director.
“Can’t you see it? Every day that Travis holds on to that which he thinks is important, the more it destroys him. It took him years to recover after he lost it before - how long do you think it will take him to recover when he loses this time? We need to destroy that ring, because it represents everything that Travis Roberts is. That which is precious to him.” Seb said with a nodding smile.
“I’m… I’m sorry to butt in like this again, but could you not rile your friend up like last time? I understand you want to motivate him, but I can’t risk any more staff getting injured. We have a Bachelorette party in here tonight, and we already have to have the Felicity costume steam cleaned.” Richard said.
“Alright there, Dick. Relax - Hide knows what he’s got to do.” Seb said with a nod. “Isn’t that right, big man?”
“Kill the Roberts Demon. Got it.” Said Hide, once more in a dialect indistinguishable to anyone in ear shot. Seb looked somewhat concerned for a moment, before hiding it behind a big smile.
“See?” Said Seb. “Everything is completely in...”
Hide suddenly broke into a sprint, golden ring in hand, towards the mountain. He bounded up it as if it were a mere set of stairs. The Gollum actor’s eyes widened as he realised the impending danger of being attacked by a 250 pound Japanese Hobbit who doesn't understand the word “Mercy”. There was a mild crunch as the two of them collided.
Inexplicably, Hide had managed to grip “Gollum” by the ankle and drag him up the pyramid. Not, however, with his hands. They were being used to help propel his ascent. No, Hide had his teeth locked into Gollum’s shin.
In no time at all, Hide had reached the precipice. It appeared that order would be restored as he helped “Gollum” to his feet. The actor seemed to be shaken, but mostly okay. And then, Hide slammed the ring into the actor’s chest before heaving him bodily down the other side of the “Volcano”.
The screams of pain were bone-chilling.
“... Order.” Finished Seb, turning to face a furious looking Richard. “We know a doctor. I'm sure he can help keep the medical bills nice and low. Shall we… Move to the last movie?”
Dick let out a frustrated yell, before storming off towards the door. Seb turned to face Hide, who was now looking for an appetiser atop Mount Doom.
“For the love of God.” He said as he turned to follow Richard out of the area.
The first two trilogies had ended poorly. Even Seb’s ability to put a positive spin on things could barely put a dent in the shitshow that had taken place thus far. And yet, he was positive. He and Hide had once again chosen matching outfits without conversation and they were already prepped for their final showdown with the forces of evil. Sebastian had chosen Han Solo as his character.
“People usually choose a Jedi.” Said Richard, cooly..
“You have an issue with this outfit now?” Seb asked, although he did feel a modicum of sympathy for just how badly their host’s day had gone so far.
“No, no. I actually think it's a good choice. Han is a much loved, yet rarely chosen character. Most of the people who pass through here aren't really fans and just want to swing a lightsaber.” He said, starting to thaw a little.
“Well thank you. I have, before now, been named as something of a scoundrel so it seemed to fit.” Seb said smiling. “Plus we match, which is good for a team.”
“Absolutely.” Said Richard. “What made you choose Chewbacca?”
“Rhwooarahucwo acwo ahc scro wwrahooohurcahaowo.” Said Hide. Seb looked up at him with a touch of surprise, it was a perfect impression of…
“Oh wonderful, you speak wookie!” Said Richard.
“Wait, what?” Seb asked, looking at Hide who was currently surveying the long ammo belt over his shoulder with hungry eyes. “You don't speak English, but you speak Wookie?”
“Rowoc.” Replied Hide.
“Of course. Why wouldn't that be the case?” Seb asked rhetorically.
“Rhwooarahucwo ah'sc ra oaooscakanahoaraaowowa ahwhwaahhoahwahuraan, ohahaoac anraroworcc.” Replied Hide.
“Of course you are! And never let anyone tell you any different!” Said Richard who had seemed to pep up significantly. “Alright - three tasks stand between the two of you and completing your day. Well, that and the prevention of any further injuries. Now, the first step is for the two of you to destroy the Death Star. The second, is to evade capture at the hands of the evil Lord Vader. And finally, you must defeat the Dark Lord of the Sith - Emperor Palpatine.”
“Yes. Darth Vainder and Emperor Robertine.” Seb said nodding.
“What? No. That's… That's not their names.” Richard said, his heat rising. “Who are these people and why do you insist that this Roberts character is always some kind of decrepit hobgoblin?”
“Because he looks like a decrepit hobgoblin…” Seb said. Hide confirmed this by not actually speaking.
“Right… Well… No! Not this time. This is my favourite trilogy and you are NOT going to spoil it for me.” Richard said.
“Alright there, Rickie. Relax. You're going to thrombolyse…” Said Seb as he pulled the blaster from his trousers. A-thank you. “Let's go, Chewie.”
“Whmmaaaggggggkw-ff bbbooo.” Replied Hide.
“What did he say?” Seb asked out of the corner of his mouth.
“I believe he said tally-ho.” Richard replied looking confused.
“Of course he did.” Said Seb, rolling his eyes.
Destroying the Death Star had been a piece of cake - because it had been a Death Star birthday cake. And it had been an eating contest. Hide had managed to devour three quarters of the intricately made baked goods before Seb had even managed to pull on a bib. When the cake was gone, they’d moved on to the second section.
There was a maze, and the task was to avoid capture at the hands of Darth Vader. It was at this point that RIchard had taken his leave to investigate the disappearance of a Princess Leia outfit. Seb had shifted uncomfortably when their host had been made aware of the disappearance. And so, he hadn’t been present when Han and Chewie had been found by Vader. Which also meant that he was blissfully unaware that Vader had found himself on the receiving end of a two-handed choke from Hide.
When Richard returned, Vader was quick to report that he’d failed to locate them in the allotted time and suggested that they should be given the victory straight away. RIchard, though a touch suspicious, waved off the suggestion as they moved to the final stage.
“Can I keep the costume?” Seb asked, pulling at the edges.
“Certainly not.” Said RIchard, adjusting the collar of his Grand Moff Tarkin costume. “We need them for future bookings.”
“I’ll pay.” Seb added.
“No!” Said Richard. “Now come on - one stage left - this is going so well. I love this!”
Seb looked at Hide who was nonplussed by their fraudulent success. They approached the final chamber where Vainder and Robertine would be waiting - as they reached the outside, Richard stopped them.
“Alright - inside will be Vader and Palpatine. Vader will pursue you - your task will be to take him down first, and then evade Palpatine’s attacks. When you have the chance, he should be pushed towards the Reactor. Not in - there’s a drop, and it’s just meant for show. Understand?” He asked. Seb nodded and then nudged Hide who looked at Seb.
“Anwoa’c rrooagain.” Hide copied.
“Good.”
“Speaking of Vader - is the breathing part of the costume, or is it the forty a day that he seems to smoke? There was a strong whiff of menthol cigarettes in that maze. And if I’m not mistaken, the sweet smell of White Widow Super Cheese...” Seb said.
“I can assure you, it’s from the suit.” Said an irked looking Richard. “Now, can we just focus on the final task?”
“Yes!” Said Seb. “Our final meeting with Vainder and Robertine.”
“No!” Said RIchard, but Seb ignored him.
“This is it, Hide - the final showdown. We’ve tried to defeat them before, but we’ve failed. This is our chance to defeat the most powerful duo in our Universe. Sure, it seems like it will be impossible, but it’s important to remember one thing - there is no love between these two. It’s an alliance of convenience. Sure, they’ll act like they’re a happy family but we know what their inevitable end will be - they can make the world believe that there can be two coexisting side by side, but when it comes to Vain and Roberts? There can only be one.” Seb said.
“Can we please… Just… Focus!” Said Richard.
“The truth is - these two can rub along nicely when they have a mutual target, but in the end there will always be the nagging need for one to surpass the other. The master and the apprentice. Competitive allies. It all means the same - they will only stand side by side for so long before one of them craves the power to stand out there alone. They’ve played this tune for some time now - is it really any wonder that it’s coming to an end?” Seb added.
“Gentlemen… Please…” Richard tried once more.
“You and I are different, Hide - we’re not built on instant success and legacy. Our partnership is built on fight, and heart and a need to win. And that’s the difference right now - for them, it would be nice to win. It would be nice to defeat us and move on to the next challenge - but deep down, they can’t wait to blame one another when they inevitably fail.” Seb added.
“Anwoao'c rroo!” Yelled Hide as he rushed towards the entrance.
“Wait! We’ve not started!” Shouted RIchard as Hide bowled through the door. Seb didn’t wait this time, rushing after his partner.
Inside, Vader and Palpatine looked up in horror. Hide continued to advance and they shared a look before deciding that living to fight another day would be the better choice. It was odd to see the usually unshakable Vader run, but run he did. He was, however, hindered by the costume and tripped more than once. The seemingly ancient Palpatine had broken into a sprint and seemed destined to win the foot race, but his foot caught in his robes which split to reveal a pair of Star Trek boxer shorts ordained with William Shatner’s face.
Vader’s helmet had fallen off completely, and from it raised a haze of smoke. It would appear that the actor had been using it as some kind of wearable bong. The smell from the maze intensified greatly. In the end, Seb caught up with Hide and held him back as Vader and Palpatine fought with one another to avoid having to tie up with their challengers.
“Well…” Said Seb. “That’s a poignant bit of symbolism. You honestly couldn’t make up how convenient that is.”
“That’s IT!” Shouted RIchard who had finally managed to reach them - his highly shined shoes made running treacherous. “I’ve had enough! You attack people in Austin Powers…”
“I mean it was just one guy really, hardly people…” Said Seb quietly.
“... You destroy the set of my Lord of the Rings task…” Richard added counting on his fingers.
“Destroy is a little over the top. The ring was a little bent and Hide may have eaten the stuffing out of one of the…” Seb tried to continue.
“... Then you cheat to get past Vader in the maze…” Richard said.
“Ah. Well. We didn’t think you’d seen that…” Seb added.
“We have security cameras, you moron! And finally, you force Vader and Palpatine to fight with each other rather than fight you!” Richard snarled.
“Technically, that’s accurate. They killed each other in the movie, and they may well be doing that now…” Seb said with a smirk.
“I want you out! OUT! None of this has gone how it was supposed to! It was a flagrant abuse of our hospitality and I want you… Woah! Wait! No!” Said Richard as he felt himself lifted up into the air from behind. Hide, who had apparently had enough, had lifted him up until he hung precariously over the drop to the “reactor.”
“Hide… Be careful mate… You should probably… You know… Put him down.” Seb said, holding out his arms. Hide looked at him, and shrugged as if to acknowledge Seb’s point of view and then? He let go. The last thing they heard was the sound of a grown man crumpling in a heap at the bottom of a fake Death Star reactor.
Seb turned around as security filtered into the set. He smiled and put his hands behind his back - he and Hide were gripped by security before being marched towards the exit.
“Well… This turned out to be more fun than I expected.” Seb said with a smile. And much to his surprise, Hide nodded to confirm his agreement.
Richards, ahem, accident had done little to quell the appetite to remove Sebastian and Hide from the premises. As several ambulances screamed away in the opposite direction, Security had little recourse but to summarily and roughly eject Seb and Hide.
“We were promised a dinner.” Hide said as he allowed the guards to herd him in the direction of the exit.
“Again, they don’t understand Japanese!” Seb said as he tried maintaining a vertical base.
“Look, none of us care what your friend there said!” one of the guards exclaimed. “Just get the hell outta here and don’t ever come back!”
“With pleasure!” Seb shot back defiantly.
Finally, their expulsion was complete. They were now outside in the back alley of the building. It stank of the putrefying rubbish of the bin belonging to the Arby’s next door.
The Arby’s next door hasn’t been opened in months.
Trying hard not to gag, Seb looked at Hide in disappointment.
“This was all you this time, buddy.”
Hide grinned.
“No. No. That’s not the right face for this situation.” Seb sighed, and then Hide frowned. “That’s… better- you know what, it doesn’t matter. Let’s go-”
But once he raised his weary head to ensure Hide understood, Hide had made a beeline to the trash bin.
Seb’s eyes widened as he too sped himself up. “No no no no no!”
Using all his might, he pulled, yanked and dragged Hide out of the bin. Sat on the ground now, he revealed he did not leave the malodorous mountain of muck empty-handed: he managed to swipe an alleged sandwich wrapped in a both withered and soggy wrapper. Seb slapped it out of Hide’s hands. Hide reached out to it longingly.
“It’s for your own good, mate.” Seb said as he helped Hide back up to his feet. “I think that would kill even YOU, and we need you un-killed.”
Hide’s gaze darted back and forth between his partner, the discarded “food”, and the bin.
“At least until Monday.” Seb added as he looked at Hide’s now, garbage soiled wookie outfit. And for the first time, he looked down and realised that he was still wearing the Han Solo costume. “Well, that’s a bonus.”
As he picked up his belongings off the ground, he and Hide began to walk.
“You know, this time is the one, Hide. I can feel it.” Seb said. Hide barely registered any response. “This is the third match of our own personal trilogy. The first, we were probably a little too soon out the gate. Green around the gills - we weren’t prepared to win the big fight. But we made a good account of ourselves.”
Hide was still looking for food, but Seb was determined to carry on regardless.
“The second match was much closer - we were a hair's breadth from finally defeating the big bad - and if outside forces hadn’t conspired against us, we probably would have managed it. Nobody has come closer to beating Vain and T-Rob than we have since they’ve been champions.” Seb said, Hide’s interest seemed to be pulling back somewhat now.
“And now we’re going into this match with nothing to lose - if they beat us? Well they’ve done it before. They’re no better off than they were. But if they lose? Well, that’s the end for them. They go their separate ways - their hilarious double act is finished. And what’s worse? It’s finished without them being able to do what they set out to do - make the Cooperative Championships worth more than they were when they started.” Seb added. He turned and found Hide oddly attentive for the first time since they’d ever met.
“I mean, Alan said it himself - last week they were in the midcard. Which means the fact that they’re Main Event this week has more to do with us than it is them. We’re already more valuable to this division than the Champions, and we’ve not held the gold yet. Me, the fastest rising star in UGWC today, and you, one of the toughest, hard-hitting strikers in our business. Who wouldn’t want to see us standing side by side?” Seb said with a half smile.
“This is it, Hide - I can feel it. The number three is lucky. We, you and I, have the chance to finally cement the kind of legacy built in the movies that we’ve just walked through. This is the end of our trilogy. This is the epic conclusion to the Uncommonwealth Blessed Vanity story - this Monday, you and I will finally show Alan Wallace and Travis Roberts that the future of this business lies with us, and that we’re more than willing to leave them in the past where they belong.” Seb added with a grin. Hide stopped walking. Seb did likewise and turned to face him.
Hide surveyed his Cooperative partner for a moment, before extending his hand. Seb took it and shook it. After a moment, Seb cleared his throat and turned to start walking again. Suddenly, he reached back into the bag of his possessions.
“Come on, come on, come on…” He said as he finally found what he was looking for. “Yes! They didn’t find it!”
He grinned as he pulled out the Princess Leia outfit from inside the bag and held it up to examine.
“Now this will be fun…” Seb said grinning as he turned to face Hide again. “Hide! I said no!”
Wookie translations can be found here
“Welcome to Trilogy Team building.” Said the man on the front desk.
“Nope.” Said Seb turning towards the door.
“P-please, Mr. Everett-Bryce the, ah, the Third.” Said Doctor Numbers imploringly. “Y-you and Mr. Yamazaki, uh, you know, you have a wonderful opportunity and-and this would be a f-fantastic way of building team spirit.”
“Except I’ve done this before, Numbers. I did this with Sloane last year - some crazy camping and raft building nonsense, then I got a shot in the pills from a paintball and that’s all she wrote. So thanks, but no thanks.” Seb said.
“But sir, this is no ORDINARY team building exercise.” Said the man on the front desk.
“No?” Asked Seb, not even trying to hide his boredom.
“Nope. You get the chance to choose a Team Building session built around your choice from one of three of the greatest movie trilogies of all time. Star Wars, The Lord of the Rings and Austin Powers!”
“Wait… Austin Powers?” Seb asked, his brow furrowed. “One of the greatest movie trilogies of all time?”
“Precisely, sir.” Said the man, still on the front desk.
“Well… I mean… I suppose.” Seb said, still furrowed. “Alright, Numbers - which one are we supposed to be doing?”
“O-One?” Dr. Numbers asked. “When I, ah, when I looked this p-place up, I didn’t, ah, think it was just… You know… Just, ah… One.”
“What did you do, Numbers?” Seb asked, his eyes narrowing dangerously.
“Oh! Is this the Dr. Numbers party? That’s fantastic - you’re doing all three.” Said the man, no longer at the front desk, but looking nervous as Hide eyed his clipboard with what suspiciously looked like hunger.
“All three?” Seb said. “That’ll take hours!”
“Two hours each experience. Three experiences, that’s eight hours!” The man said.
“Hold on - is your name Travis Roberts? Because you’re mistakenly doing meth instead of math. That’s six hours.” Seb said smugly, his year six SATs all coming back to him.
“That’s correct, sir. But as you’ve purchased the exclusive package, it also comes with an additional meal and award ceremony.” He replied with delight.
“We’re not staying for that. You’ll be lucky if we make it the full six hours without Hide devouring someone whole.” Seb said, before looking up at his Cooperative partner who was now busy sinking his teeth into a full size cardboard cutout of Jabba The Hut. “Case and point. What the hell were you thinking, Numbers?”
“E-exactly!” The Doctor said. “Numbers! One number, a-actually. The number three! This is the, ah, the t-third time that you and, and Mr. Yamazaki have faced Mr. Wallace and Mr. Roberts for the, ah, you know, the Cooperative Championships. I th-thought it would be, uh, good for you to experience a trilogy o-of trilogies to help you learn how to b-beat your greatest foes!”
“You know technically this is my fourth match - they beat Sloane and I originally.” Seb said a touch painfully.
“Precisely!” Numbers said. “The Lord of the Rings has The Hobbit. Star Wars has the p-prequels and the, ah, the Disney trilogy. These are the m-most important of the trilogies.”
“And Austin Powers?” Seb asked skeptically.
“W-well… There were rumours of a f-fourth film, and they were en-entirely promising, but in the end they f-failed to deliver.” Numbers replied. “M-much, if I might say, like… you know… like, ah, and with all due respect... yourself at Horizons.”
“I wish Hide would eat you.” Seb said scornfully.
“Ho ho, very d-droll, Mr. Everett-Bryce the Third.” Said Doctor Numbers. “Well… I m-must dash.”
“Wait, where the hell are you going?” Seb asked incredulously. “Who’s going to translate to Hide?”
“W-what? I don’t speak Japanese. Mr. Yamazaki tends to do what Mr. Yamazaki wants to do - we just p-pretend to be in charge. Enjoy your afternoon, Sebastian.” Dr. Numbers said, before hightailing it into the distance. Seb’s shoulders slumped and he heaved a heady sigh.
“Alright, Hide. Let’s get this over with.” He said, before turning to face Yamazaki, who was in the midst of finishing Jabba's face. “Would you stop that? You’re going to spoil your free dinner.”
What felt like hours later but was in fact mere minutes, Sebastian and Hide had changed into their first costumes of the evening. Yamazaki was wearing a blue crushed velvet suit, paired with a shirt adorned with frilly collars and cuffs. On his head was a fury brown wig, and similarly covered his massive chest. He was chewing like a cow - it was to be expected when you hand a man like Hide a pair of plastic false teeth. Conversely, Seb was wearing… Well…
“Excuse me, sir.” Their host, Richard, said.
“Hmm?” Asked Seb.
“I was just wondering… There were dozens of costumes from which to choose. Is there any particular reason you chose…” He stopped and moved his hand up and down to signal the costume.
“What, this? Well, it feels obvious. Hide decided he wanted to be Austin Powers and there can’t be two Austin Powers.” Seb answered.
“And the only viable alternative was... “ Rick began.
“Felicity Shagwell, yes.” Said Seb as he pulled down the velvet hot pants of his 60’s style romper suit. He pushed the long blonde hair from his face and pulled up his knee high boots.
“But, you could have played the role of Austin, and your friend could have easily played the role of…” Rikard began.
“I do hope you’re not suggesting that my very Japanese friend could play the stereotypical and somewhat racially insensitive “Random Task”?” Seb asked. “Because I’m not sure he’d enjoy that.”
“Ahem. No. Of course not.” The host answered as Hide stopped, cracking his knuckles. “Alright, we’re almost ready to get started. You’re going to work your way through three Austin Powers themed tasks - each of which is designed so you save the world. I’ll be… Wait… What the hell is that?”
“What, him?” Seb said pointing to the grey suited something stood on a pull cart. “That’s Mini-Me.”
“Mini-You?” The Rich asked.
“No, Mini-Me. From the movies.” Seb said smiling.
“Mini-Me was a clone of Doctor Evil, yet one eighth his size…” Said Dickie, knowledgeably.
“Yes?” Seb said, non-plussed.
“That is not the face of Doctor Evil nor beloved actor Verne Troyer.” Richie said.
“Correct.” Said Seb with a smile. “That, my good man, is our mutual friend Johnny Bonecrusher.”
“Okay, but… Why?” He asked.
“Because Johnny is one eighth of the size of a normal human.” Seb said grinning. Hide even gave a small chuckle, which unnerved Seb as he wasn’t aware Yamazaki spoke English.
“I… That’s… You know what? You guys do you - you ready to go?” Rickie asked.
“As I’ll ever be.” Seb said, as he took his place, ironically, just behind Hide to recreate the apparently iconic movie poster.
“Alright… Go!” Said their host.
They managed rather well, passing through the first movie without much fuss save for a somewhat sticky moment when it had been revealed that Hide had eaten the floss they needed to use to escape from the ill-tempered mutated Sea Bass with laser beams attached to their heads. Doctor Evil had escaped in his rocket that was shaped like a giant… Dick had congratulated them on their speed and pace through the first section, despite their setback.
The second was going smoothly until Seb was forced to seduce Plus-Sized Bastard in order to gain intelligence. Seb wasn’t sure what was worse: having to do it, or the fact that he’d quite enjoyed it. The fact that Hide hadn’t even pretended to be jealous once it was done had left Seb displeased with his cosplay colleague. They had battled through the moon-base, and once again Doctor Evil had managed to escape.
And now they were about to engage their final enemy. Doctor Evil, Richard in a bald cap, had now joined their side.
“Alright, gentlemen, this is the final task - you must take the key from Goldmember in order to save the world.” Dick said.
“You ready, partner?” Seb asked. But Hide looked as disinterested as ever.
“Hey - Hide. See that guy up there?” Seb said, pointing at Goldmember who was stood atop the gantry surveying the chaos. Hide looked up and gave what appeared to be a nod. “That’s Goldmember - except it’s not. It’s Vain - he’s obsessed with Gold. Obsessed with legacy. He’s obsessed with being respected.”
“I’m sorry, who are you talking about? His name is Carl.” RIchard said.
“No, his name is Alan Wallace, and he’s an unimaginable arsehole, but he’s a born winner. He’s also prone to a moment of self-crisis or two, and believe it or not? Despite having one of the longest reigns as a Cooperative Champion of all time, he’s in the midst of yet another bout of self pity. Well now he’s finally got what he wanted, hasn’t he, Hide? He’s in the Main Event now - but here’s the thing. It’s not Alan Wallace that’s Main Event money. It’s us. Understand?”
Yamazaki barely responds.
“Golden balls up there, he’s a representation of everything that Alan Wallace is. Greedy, narcissistic and obsessed with what people think about him. He hides his insecurities behind bravado, but in the end he’s just the same as every billy big bollocks that swings a dick in a fight - he’s one big moment away from being forgotten. We’ve lost twice so far, Hide - but I don’t think we realised just how well we could work together until right here, right now where we’re on the cusp of saving the entire world.” Seb said with a grin. “So let’s go and get him. Let’s go and save the world and prove why we’re the next Cooperative Champions.”
Hide looks at Seb without any reaction whatsoever.
“Also his cock and balls might be the key we’re looking for, so it’s worth keeping in mind.” Seb said with a grin. Hide slowly climbed to his feet, and it was an impressive sight. He seemed to swell even larger than he’d ever been before and then… He turned and walked in the opposite direction.
“Wait.. Hide… NO!” Seb said, before his shoulders slumped. “Forget it. Come on, slap head. Let’s go.”
“My name, is RIchard.” Said the host indignantly.
Seb and Richard made their way through the henchman, tossing them left and right. They finally reached a ladder and began to climb.
“Do you need… To pull down… Your hotpants?” Asked Richard as he followed Seb.
“I’d love to - I’m wearing a thirty dollar costume and fifteen dollars of it is wedged up my arse.” Said Seb as he climbed. Finally, they reached the top level.
“Ohhhh Ms. Shagwell… Doctor Eeeeeevil… You come to challenge me and try to take my gooooooo… ooooooh fuuuuuuuuuuck.” Said Goldmember. Seb looked confused at the sudden change in tone. And then he glanced down to find a hand between Goldmember’s legs, clearly squeezing his junk.
“Oh Christ. Hide. It was a joke.” Seb said as Hide turned Goldmember towards the keyhole which, for some strange reason, was located at the edge of a precipice. “Seriously, let him go. His penis is NOT a key!”
Hide looked down at his handiwork, and then back at Seb. He released Goldmember who dropped the key with a clunk on the metal grated floor. And yet, as Goldmember lurched away from Hide, he lost his footing falling over the edge.
“Carl!” Shouted the host. Seb looked over the edge where Carl lay on top of a pile of fallen henchmen. He was moving slowly and groaning.
“The key!” Seb said, turning around, to find Hide chewing away on the gold. “For god sake, Hide…”
“Well at least you’re dressed appropriately this time.” Said Richard, dressed as Gandalf the White complete with a long beard. They eyed the tall gentleman dressed as an Uruk-hai in the distance, who Seb assumed was the first task. Seb looked down at his Hobbit attire, complete with ridiculously oversized feet.
“I’m sorry, Dick, but do you have a problem with a man dressed as a woman?” Sebastian asked.
“Well if you must know, yes - women have a hard enough time finding strong characters to play in this line of work without men stealing them away.” Richard added.
“Not entirely sure insulting your clientele is the best way to get repeat business, but sure. Shoot your shot.” Seb said.
“I’m just saying that there are enough men for you to emulate without needing to muscle in on the female territory.” Richard added.
“Interesting - tell me, if my friend Sloane had walked in and said she wanted to dress like one of the male characters, would you have had the same issue?” Seb asked.
“Well… That’s…” Richard stumbled.
“Because for me, gender shouldn’t come into it - boys can want to be Wonder Woman, and girls can want to be Ironman. Unless, what you’re saying is, women look better in the hot pants and the low cut top I stuffed with tissue paper?” Seb said, furrowing his brow. “Are you disappointed you didn’t get to see a woman wandering around dressed in that costume… Dick?”
“Let’s…Just… Move along.” Richard said.
“I thought so, Dick. I thought so.” Seb said. He turned to face the Uruk-hai and then glanced down at Hide’s feet. “Are they your actual feet?”
Hide grunted something that Seb assumed was a yes.
“They’re huge. And they’re so very hairy.” Seb said.
“Thank you.” Said Hide. In Japanese.
“Hey! There we are! You’re using your words. Shame no-one here speaks Japanese.” Seb said, before looking back at their first target. “You know, Dick, there’s something that has always baffled me about the Lord of the Rings films…”
“What’s that?” RIchard asked, not just a little frustrated.
“In The Fellowship of the Ring, the big fight at the end is between Aragorn and the Uruk-hai. Sure, it’s the first time he’s ever met one, but he takes quite a while to actually kill it. Then, after that, everytime he faces one he pretty much One-Shot kills them all. My question is, how come one fight suddenly made him - and in turn, all of the rest of the Fellowship - suddenly able to kill off this new band of fighters like they’re nameless henchmen?” Seb asked.
“Well… Obviously… He shared the knowledge of their fighting style and their weaknesses with the rest of the group…” RIchard replied, but a little sheepishly.
“Oh, so every Uruk-hai had the same fighting style and weaknesses? Well that seems like a huge flaw in the breeding process. It’s basically like cloning a terrible warrior hundreds of times.” Seb replied.
“Could we just.. Focus? You have three tasks again… This is the first.” Richard said, trying to change the subject.
“Right you are, Gandalf.” Said Seb, turning to Hide. “Sam - bring Merry and Pippin.”
Hide nodded and picked up the two small stuffed figures, each with a picture of Johnny Bonecrusher, but with different facial expressions. Seb looked up at Richard and grinned.
“Life size…” He nodded.
“Oh for goodness sake…” Richard said moving forward.
The first task was simple enough - Seb took on the Uruk-hai in scripted combat while Hide slowly scooped out what was essentially Pippin’s brain and ate it. The second task had required Seb and Hide to abandon the rest of their party as they ascended up Two Towers. Seb had questioned Richard as to how this is anything like the film, to which Richard had replied “It’s Two Towers.”
Once they’d reached the top and walked down the steps provided, they found themselves at the bottom of what could possibly be described as a mountain. It was one of those pyramid type things that you would see on Gladiator. They were given a large golden hoop which they were meant to carry to the top while a stooped and gurning individual tried to stop them and push them back down. He, by all accounts, was Gollum. And he wanted the ring for himself.
“Why is Gollum six foot three?” Seb asked.
“Why is Samwise six foot two?” Richard asked snarkily.
“Six foot one actually - I know my partners profile page.” Seb replied sharply. “Alright, do you know what we have to do?”
“I do.” Replied Hide in Japanese. “But tell me - what is my motivation?”
“Still no idea what you’re saying big man - you’ve been here a while. Might want to learn a thing or two perhaps?” Seb said. “Anyway, I’m going to give you some motivation.”
Hide rolls his eyes.
“That, right there, isn’t Gollum. It’s Travis… Roberts. Can you see it? The strangely lanky body, the oddly gaunt face, the lank, greasy and definitely thinning hair. That hairline goes farther back than my family tree. Then look at the teeth. The teeth that look like they haven’t seen a toothbrush in several years. Granted, Travis has perfectly straight teeth, but I suspect that’s down to his gollum teeth having been replaced some time ago. Do you see it?”
“Not exactly.” Said Hide, yet again in Japanese. Which is odd given he seems to understand conversational English.
“I’m going to take that as a yes - but it’s not just physically. He has a clawing, grasping need to retain some semblance of his former self. Those days when it was the name Travis Roberts that the world spoke. Desperate to take back control of that which made him feel complete, and yet in some ways pushed him further away from a sense of self worth. He can’t see that he was controlled, not only by his urges, but by that very thing he claimed to want.” Seb said, his arm around Hide’s massive shoulder, painting the scene like a director.
“Can’t you see it? Every day that Travis holds on to that which he thinks is important, the more it destroys him. It took him years to recover after he lost it before - how long do you think it will take him to recover when he loses this time? We need to destroy that ring, because it represents everything that Travis Roberts is. That which is precious to him.” Seb said with a nodding smile.
“I’m… I’m sorry to butt in like this again, but could you not rile your friend up like last time? I understand you want to motivate him, but I can’t risk any more staff getting injured. We have a Bachelorette party in here tonight, and we already have to have the Felicity costume steam cleaned.” Richard said.
“Alright there, Dick. Relax - Hide knows what he’s got to do.” Seb said with a nod. “Isn’t that right, big man?”
“Kill the Roberts Demon. Got it.” Said Hide, once more in a dialect indistinguishable to anyone in ear shot. Seb looked somewhat concerned for a moment, before hiding it behind a big smile.
“See?” Said Seb. “Everything is completely in...”
Hide suddenly broke into a sprint, golden ring in hand, towards the mountain. He bounded up it as if it were a mere set of stairs. The Gollum actor’s eyes widened as he realised the impending danger of being attacked by a 250 pound Japanese Hobbit who doesn't understand the word “Mercy”. There was a mild crunch as the two of them collided.
Inexplicably, Hide had managed to grip “Gollum” by the ankle and drag him up the pyramid. Not, however, with his hands. They were being used to help propel his ascent. No, Hide had his teeth locked into Gollum’s shin.
In no time at all, Hide had reached the precipice. It appeared that order would be restored as he helped “Gollum” to his feet. The actor seemed to be shaken, but mostly okay. And then, Hide slammed the ring into the actor’s chest before heaving him bodily down the other side of the “Volcano”.
The screams of pain were bone-chilling.
“... Order.” Finished Seb, turning to face a furious looking Richard. “We know a doctor. I'm sure he can help keep the medical bills nice and low. Shall we… Move to the last movie?”
Dick let out a frustrated yell, before storming off towards the door. Seb turned to face Hide, who was now looking for an appetiser atop Mount Doom.
“For the love of God.” He said as he turned to follow Richard out of the area.
The first two trilogies had ended poorly. Even Seb’s ability to put a positive spin on things could barely put a dent in the shitshow that had taken place thus far. And yet, he was positive. He and Hide had once again chosen matching outfits without conversation and they were already prepped for their final showdown with the forces of evil. Sebastian had chosen Han Solo as his character.
“People usually choose a Jedi.” Said Richard, cooly..
“You have an issue with this outfit now?” Seb asked, although he did feel a modicum of sympathy for just how badly their host’s day had gone so far.
“No, no. I actually think it's a good choice. Han is a much loved, yet rarely chosen character. Most of the people who pass through here aren't really fans and just want to swing a lightsaber.” He said, starting to thaw a little.
“Well thank you. I have, before now, been named as something of a scoundrel so it seemed to fit.” Seb said smiling. “Plus we match, which is good for a team.”
“Absolutely.” Said Richard. “What made you choose Chewbacca?”
“Rhwooarahucwo acwo ahc scro wwrahooohurcahaowo.” Said Hide. Seb looked up at him with a touch of surprise, it was a perfect impression of…
“Oh wonderful, you speak wookie!” Said Richard.
“Wait, what?” Seb asked, looking at Hide who was currently surveying the long ammo belt over his shoulder with hungry eyes. “You don't speak English, but you speak Wookie?”
“Rowoc.” Replied Hide.
“Of course. Why wouldn't that be the case?” Seb asked rhetorically.
“Rhwooarahucwo ah'sc ra oaooscakanahoaraaowowa ahwhwaahhoahwahuraan, ohahaoac anraroworcc.” Replied Hide.
“Of course you are! And never let anyone tell you any different!” Said Richard who had seemed to pep up significantly. “Alright - three tasks stand between the two of you and completing your day. Well, that and the prevention of any further injuries. Now, the first step is for the two of you to destroy the Death Star. The second, is to evade capture at the hands of the evil Lord Vader. And finally, you must defeat the Dark Lord of the Sith - Emperor Palpatine.”
“Yes. Darth Vainder and Emperor Robertine.” Seb said nodding.
“What? No. That's… That's not their names.” Richard said, his heat rising. “Who are these people and why do you insist that this Roberts character is always some kind of decrepit hobgoblin?”
“Because he looks like a decrepit hobgoblin…” Seb said. Hide confirmed this by not actually speaking.
“Right… Well… No! Not this time. This is my favourite trilogy and you are NOT going to spoil it for me.” Richard said.
“Alright there, Rickie. Relax. You're going to thrombolyse…” Said Seb as he pulled the blaster from his trousers. A-thank you. “Let's go, Chewie.”
“Whmmaaaggggggkw-ff bbbooo.” Replied Hide.
“What did he say?” Seb asked out of the corner of his mouth.
“I believe he said tally-ho.” Richard replied looking confused.
“Of course he did.” Said Seb, rolling his eyes.
Destroying the Death Star had been a piece of cake - because it had been a Death Star birthday cake. And it had been an eating contest. Hide had managed to devour three quarters of the intricately made baked goods before Seb had even managed to pull on a bib. When the cake was gone, they’d moved on to the second section.
There was a maze, and the task was to avoid capture at the hands of Darth Vader. It was at this point that RIchard had taken his leave to investigate the disappearance of a Princess Leia outfit. Seb had shifted uncomfortably when their host had been made aware of the disappearance. And so, he hadn’t been present when Han and Chewie had been found by Vader. Which also meant that he was blissfully unaware that Vader had found himself on the receiving end of a two-handed choke from Hide.
When Richard returned, Vader was quick to report that he’d failed to locate them in the allotted time and suggested that they should be given the victory straight away. RIchard, though a touch suspicious, waved off the suggestion as they moved to the final stage.
“Can I keep the costume?” Seb asked, pulling at the edges.
“Certainly not.” Said RIchard, adjusting the collar of his Grand Moff Tarkin costume. “We need them for future bookings.”
“I’ll pay.” Seb added.
“No!” Said Richard. “Now come on - one stage left - this is going so well. I love this!”
Seb looked at Hide who was nonplussed by their fraudulent success. They approached the final chamber where Vainder and Robertine would be waiting - as they reached the outside, Richard stopped them.
“Alright - inside will be Vader and Palpatine. Vader will pursue you - your task will be to take him down first, and then evade Palpatine’s attacks. When you have the chance, he should be pushed towards the Reactor. Not in - there’s a drop, and it’s just meant for show. Understand?” He asked. Seb nodded and then nudged Hide who looked at Seb.
“Anwoa’c rrooagain.” Hide copied.
“Good.”
“Speaking of Vader - is the breathing part of the costume, or is it the forty a day that he seems to smoke? There was a strong whiff of menthol cigarettes in that maze. And if I’m not mistaken, the sweet smell of White Widow Super Cheese...” Seb said.
“I can assure you, it’s from the suit.” Said an irked looking Richard. “Now, can we just focus on the final task?”
“Yes!” Said Seb. “Our final meeting with Vainder and Robertine.”
“No!” Said RIchard, but Seb ignored him.
“This is it, Hide - the final showdown. We’ve tried to defeat them before, but we’ve failed. This is our chance to defeat the most powerful duo in our Universe. Sure, it seems like it will be impossible, but it’s important to remember one thing - there is no love between these two. It’s an alliance of convenience. Sure, they’ll act like they’re a happy family but we know what their inevitable end will be - they can make the world believe that there can be two coexisting side by side, but when it comes to Vain and Roberts? There can only be one.” Seb said.
“Can we please… Just… Focus!” Said Richard.
“The truth is - these two can rub along nicely when they have a mutual target, but in the end there will always be the nagging need for one to surpass the other. The master and the apprentice. Competitive allies. It all means the same - they will only stand side by side for so long before one of them craves the power to stand out there alone. They’ve played this tune for some time now - is it really any wonder that it’s coming to an end?” Seb added.
“Gentlemen… Please…” Richard tried once more.
“You and I are different, Hide - we’re not built on instant success and legacy. Our partnership is built on fight, and heart and a need to win. And that’s the difference right now - for them, it would be nice to win. It would be nice to defeat us and move on to the next challenge - but deep down, they can’t wait to blame one another when they inevitably fail.” Seb added.
“Anwoao'c rroo!” Yelled Hide as he rushed towards the entrance.
“Wait! We’ve not started!” Shouted RIchard as Hide bowled through the door. Seb didn’t wait this time, rushing after his partner.
Inside, Vader and Palpatine looked up in horror. Hide continued to advance and they shared a look before deciding that living to fight another day would be the better choice. It was odd to see the usually unshakable Vader run, but run he did. He was, however, hindered by the costume and tripped more than once. The seemingly ancient Palpatine had broken into a sprint and seemed destined to win the foot race, but his foot caught in his robes which split to reveal a pair of Star Trek boxer shorts ordained with William Shatner’s face.
Vader’s helmet had fallen off completely, and from it raised a haze of smoke. It would appear that the actor had been using it as some kind of wearable bong. The smell from the maze intensified greatly. In the end, Seb caught up with Hide and held him back as Vader and Palpatine fought with one another to avoid having to tie up with their challengers.
“Well…” Said Seb. “That’s a poignant bit of symbolism. You honestly couldn’t make up how convenient that is.”
“That’s IT!” Shouted RIchard who had finally managed to reach them - his highly shined shoes made running treacherous. “I’ve had enough! You attack people in Austin Powers…”
“I mean it was just one guy really, hardly people…” Said Seb quietly.
“... You destroy the set of my Lord of the Rings task…” Richard added counting on his fingers.
“Destroy is a little over the top. The ring was a little bent and Hide may have eaten the stuffing out of one of the…” Seb tried to continue.
“... Then you cheat to get past Vader in the maze…” Richard said.
“Ah. Well. We didn’t think you’d seen that…” Seb added.
“We have security cameras, you moron! And finally, you force Vader and Palpatine to fight with each other rather than fight you!” Richard snarled.
“Technically, that’s accurate. They killed each other in the movie, and they may well be doing that now…” Seb said with a smirk.
“I want you out! OUT! None of this has gone how it was supposed to! It was a flagrant abuse of our hospitality and I want you… Woah! Wait! No!” Said Richard as he felt himself lifted up into the air from behind. Hide, who had apparently had enough, had lifted him up until he hung precariously over the drop to the “reactor.”
“Hide… Be careful mate… You should probably… You know… Put him down.” Seb said, holding out his arms. Hide looked at him, and shrugged as if to acknowledge Seb’s point of view and then? He let go. The last thing they heard was the sound of a grown man crumpling in a heap at the bottom of a fake Death Star reactor.
Seb turned around as security filtered into the set. He smiled and put his hands behind his back - he and Hide were gripped by security before being marched towards the exit.
“Well… This turned out to be more fun than I expected.” Seb said with a smile. And much to his surprise, Hide nodded to confirm his agreement.
Richards, ahem, accident had done little to quell the appetite to remove Sebastian and Hide from the premises. As several ambulances screamed away in the opposite direction, Security had little recourse but to summarily and roughly eject Seb and Hide.
“We were promised a dinner.” Hide said as he allowed the guards to herd him in the direction of the exit.
“Again, they don’t understand Japanese!” Seb said as he tried maintaining a vertical base.
“Look, none of us care what your friend there said!” one of the guards exclaimed. “Just get the hell outta here and don’t ever come back!”
“With pleasure!” Seb shot back defiantly.
Finally, their expulsion was complete. They were now outside in the back alley of the building. It stank of the putrefying rubbish of the bin belonging to the Arby’s next door.
The Arby’s next door hasn’t been opened in months.
Trying hard not to gag, Seb looked at Hide in disappointment.
“This was all you this time, buddy.”
Hide grinned.
“No. No. That’s not the right face for this situation.” Seb sighed, and then Hide frowned. “That’s… better- you know what, it doesn’t matter. Let’s go-”
But once he raised his weary head to ensure Hide understood, Hide had made a beeline to the trash bin.
Seb’s eyes widened as he too sped himself up. “No no no no no!”
Using all his might, he pulled, yanked and dragged Hide out of the bin. Sat on the ground now, he revealed he did not leave the malodorous mountain of muck empty-handed: he managed to swipe an alleged sandwich wrapped in a both withered and soggy wrapper. Seb slapped it out of Hide’s hands. Hide reached out to it longingly.
“It’s for your own good, mate.” Seb said as he helped Hide back up to his feet. “I think that would kill even YOU, and we need you un-killed.”
Hide’s gaze darted back and forth between his partner, the discarded “food”, and the bin.
“At least until Monday.” Seb added as he looked at Hide’s now, garbage soiled wookie outfit. And for the first time, he looked down and realised that he was still wearing the Han Solo costume. “Well, that’s a bonus.”
As he picked up his belongings off the ground, he and Hide began to walk.
“You know, this time is the one, Hide. I can feel it.” Seb said. Hide barely registered any response. “This is the third match of our own personal trilogy. The first, we were probably a little too soon out the gate. Green around the gills - we weren’t prepared to win the big fight. But we made a good account of ourselves.”
Hide was still looking for food, but Seb was determined to carry on regardless.
“The second match was much closer - we were a hair's breadth from finally defeating the big bad - and if outside forces hadn’t conspired against us, we probably would have managed it. Nobody has come closer to beating Vain and T-Rob than we have since they’ve been champions.” Seb said, Hide’s interest seemed to be pulling back somewhat now.
“And now we’re going into this match with nothing to lose - if they beat us? Well they’ve done it before. They’re no better off than they were. But if they lose? Well, that’s the end for them. They go their separate ways - their hilarious double act is finished. And what’s worse? It’s finished without them being able to do what they set out to do - make the Cooperative Championships worth more than they were when they started.” Seb added. He turned and found Hide oddly attentive for the first time since they’d ever met.
“I mean, Alan said it himself - last week they were in the midcard. Which means the fact that they’re Main Event this week has more to do with us than it is them. We’re already more valuable to this division than the Champions, and we’ve not held the gold yet. Me, the fastest rising star in UGWC today, and you, one of the toughest, hard-hitting strikers in our business. Who wouldn’t want to see us standing side by side?” Seb said with a half smile.
“This is it, Hide - I can feel it. The number three is lucky. We, you and I, have the chance to finally cement the kind of legacy built in the movies that we’ve just walked through. This is the end of our trilogy. This is the epic conclusion to the Uncommonwealth Blessed Vanity story - this Monday, you and I will finally show Alan Wallace and Travis Roberts that the future of this business lies with us, and that we’re more than willing to leave them in the past where they belong.” Seb added with a grin. Hide stopped walking. Seb did likewise and turned to face him.
Hide surveyed his Cooperative partner for a moment, before extending his hand. Seb took it and shook it. After a moment, Seb cleared his throat and turned to start walking again. Suddenly, he reached back into the bag of his possessions.
“Come on, come on, come on…” He said as he finally found what he was looking for. “Yes! They didn’t find it!”
He grinned as he pulled out the Princess Leia outfit from inside the bag and held it up to examine.
“Now this will be fun…” Seb said grinning as he turned to face Hide again. “Hide! I said no!”
And he reached out to try and wrestle that damn sandwich out of his partner’s hand one last time.
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