Post by Travis Pierce on Jun 6, 2020 19:36:42 GMT -5
Travis storms through the curtain into the gorilla position after The Piercing Truth: LIVE segment on Synergy, an angry look on his face.
Pierce: Where is he?
Travis spots Rob Cartwright and quickly darts towards him.
Pierce: What the hell was that?
Cartwright: What was what?
Pierce: For starters, I expected Hastings to be bringing Eden a piranha in a box, that was the entire point of having her on!
Cartwright: A dead piranha.
Pierce: It was a metaphor!
Cartwright: Well then let me remind you that would have required me getting Donovan Hastings to agree to something, and secondly, I don’t think we should be doing anything with animals, we’ll end up with Duncan Ryder protesting outside PMN HQ like he was outside tonight.
Pierce: Duncan. Ryder.
Cartwright: Did you see the people he got riled up over Eden’s spectacle from last week? We don’t need that kind of heat on us!
Pierce: We’re part of the media, Rob, controversy is a good thing. Plus we need to stand out if I’m going to win the crusade, and weeks of planning just got flushed.
Todd the Intern is standing nearby wearing a headset and holding a clipboard, talking to a backstage attendant.
Todd: Alright, tell Chauncey to get ready. He’ll be heading out as soon as the main event ends.
Travis double-takes before grabbing Todd by the arm, startling him.
Pierce: Did he pick yet?
Todd: Who?
Pierce: Cynric, did he make his pick yet for who won the Crusade?
Todd: I’m actually not sure, we were just sending someone to find out.
Pierce: Then there might still be time!
Travis spins on his heels back to Cartwright.
Pierce: If we pull off a huge last-minute prank on Eden, we can still win this. Quick, round up some bumblebees, maybe we can convince Eden they’re murder hornets.
Chauncey the Bard prances into gorilla.
Chauncey: All ye present, heed my words! The humble and noble Cynric the First has made his selection, and it shall be pronounced that-
Todd: Save it until you get out there.
Pierce: He picked already? But that means…
Travis groans.
Pierce: Ugh...I hate the Melee.
Pierce: Welcome back to our Massive Melee Piercing Preview! I love the Massive Melee, one of my favorite times of the year! A sea of humanity flung together into a ring, and shit flying everywhere and you have no idea what’s going to stick! Now, this is of course the year in which we are celebrating UGWC’s tenth anniversary, so let’s take a trip on the Wayback Machine and look back upon the greatest moments of the history of the Massive Melee in UGWC.
The monitor shows a montage of Pierce eliminating Victoria Jensen and Jezebel Saint in 2013, Harley Addams in 2014, Eden Morgan and Larry the Conqueror of Planets in 2016, Dave Rydell in 2017, and Hide Yamazaki in 2019.
Pierce: And that’s literally all that has ever mattered in there! I mean, I don’t know about you, but I could watch the footage of Travis Pierce eliminating UGWC Hall of Famer Jezebel Saint on a loop for hours! But of course, we intend to look forward, not backwards, this isn’t The Deimos Drama, it’s The Piercing Truth! So let’s take a look together at who is likely to win this event, but first let’s shuffle the riff-raff out of the way and tell you who’s NOT going to win.
Pierce: I know what you’re thinking. But Seb has the final entrance slot! Yeah, he does. That’s the killer. You know how many times the final entrant has won the Massive Melee? Zilch. Zero. He’s got a better chance of being stuffed in a closet by a bunch of angry luchadores.
Pierce: Jumping over to the other end of the spectrum, Phrixus Deimos has to be #1. Now, again, this is The Piercing Truth and not The Phrixus Frontier, but pardon us throwing on the Wayback for a second. Back in 2009 in the LWF days, I eliminated Fear from the Melee, and I’ll throw in that I was the #1 entrant that year. So I got this bit covered. And I hear some people shouting reminders that Fear won from the #2 slot in 2015, but guess what? Yours truly was the Creative Director that year and wasn’t in the Melee. See? That’s how stuff goes wrong.
Pierce: Now, this has NOT been photoshopped in any way, shame on you for accusing us of that, this was a picture taken by a hidden camera inside Vain Manor after I beat Alan at Grand Slam last year, reminding everyone that I own him in the ring. Considering nowadays PMN owns him outside the ring, and it’s just a sharp fact that this isn’t going to be a problem.
Pierce: Gotta be in it to win it, and Zane’s too busy these days doing yoga with cats.
Pierce: Hi! My name’s Dave, and I’ve been on this epic redemption hero arc for the last six months. I’ve beaten everybody from Redd Thunder to Jordan King and that momentum is going to carry me forward to winning the Massive Melee, there’s just one small problem: everybody still thinks that I absolutely suck. I mean, let’s be real here, Dave. Yeah, you’ve been on a tear lately, and last month you got that big win over Fear that made you a contender, just like everybody else that beat Fear and went on to do jack and shit. So you’ve gotten yourself an advantage, a preferred entrance position. Good on you, because you’re going to need it. Maybe next year you can follow up this performance by doing a Three Faces bit. Start the match as Dave Rydell, but after you get tossed come back as the Crazed Anarchist, and after you get tossed come back a third time and be Red Fusion, and every time you come out play three different songs on the way to the ring, so we can have heard a third of all the schizophrenic different music choices you’ve made over the years.
Pierce: Here’s a joke, ready? This is my joke: Travis Roberts in the Massive Melee. Because if you look in this picture, Travis showing us exactly what his performance was last year. A cradle of filth. Total garbage. In fact, the indisputable record for worst performance in a Massive Melee EVER, and that’s going back to the LWF days. But what can you expect from a Beta?
Pierce: ’ello, what might we ‘av here, then? Dr. Touchy will see you now. I mean, let’s just take a moment to appreciate that Gabriel Baal has got to have absolutely the most punchable face going, which really doesn’t work to his advantage in a match like this one, when a ton of people get to line up to punch it. Now, Gabriel was on a bit of a roll for awhile since his return and found himself squarely in the spotlight, Guest Creative Director, voted to the main event of In Your Hands, big win at No Holds Barred, but you never have to worry about Gabriel getting too much momentum going because he’s got a magnet in his head that sucks it right up Eden’s ass every time he risks having too much real success. Now that he is officially Mr. Eden Morgan, we can all rest easy knowing that he’ll never really have his eyes on the prize, because they’re too busy giving Eden puppy looks.
Pierce: Now, we learned on Synergy in some breaking news on TPT that Donovan Hastings is not as extra crispy as Gabriel Morgan might have hoped, but any risk that he might win the Melee is resolved by keeping in mind that this is the time of year that Hastings typically develops some inane and devoid of logic reason for obsessing over some member of the roster and hounding them incessantly for months leading to a final confrontation at Horizons, so somebody will toss him out and then regret it from now until December.
Travis snickers for a moment and gets the camera to zoom into something he’s holding up on his phone.
Pierce: I mean, come on. Maria Salvatore will be lucky if she makes it to the ring.
Pierce: Wow, maybe JC is the new Mr. Touchy? I wouldn’t have thought so, but that picture sort of creeps me out. JC is supposed to be this badass that’s going to come in here and raise all sorts of hell, but it tells you something that UGWC responded by sticking him in a Coffee House with Crystal Zdunich. The only thing I’m worried about when it comes to JC is that I have to start looking over my shoulder for Lucy Wylde, because we all know she’s a bad bitch.
Pierce: Konrad Raab is going to come to the Melee and enter it for the first time ever and it will be a big challenge because he has never done it before and throw the people over the ropes but do not worry his nerves will be calm because he took the Compazine and Zofram so he will be fine until apparently somebody comes to kill him? Hard to win the Melee when you’ve been murdered, unless you go to the Eden Morgan school of magically not being dead.
Travis turns to Camera B.
Pierce: So who WILL win the Massive Melee? Well, there is a big name we haven’t mentioned yet, but we went old school and crunched some Kem numbers and it seems we have predicted the winner, let’s take a look…
Pierce: Is that? IT IS! Ladies and gentlemen, some piercing news for you, it seems the winner of the 2020 Massive Melee is going to be none other than Travis Pierce! This is unbelievable, and yet entirely not shocking at the same time! That’s right, Travis Pierce is winning the Massive Melee and going to WrestleStock. Who will he challenge there? Will it be Angie Vaughn, defending for the second year in a row? Will the Deathwish shock the world? WHO CARES?! Because all you’re going to be talking about a month from now is how exciting it is that Travis Pierce is once again the World Heavyweight Champion, and come the Massive Melee, and everyone laying there on the outside wondering how they got tossed there, let me just remind you that it’s not my fault that the truth...hurts.
Travis winks to the camera as we fade out.
Pierce: Where is he?
Travis spots Rob Cartwright and quickly darts towards him.
Pierce: What the hell was that?
Cartwright: What was what?
Pierce: For starters, I expected Hastings to be bringing Eden a piranha in a box, that was the entire point of having her on!
Cartwright: A dead piranha.
Pierce: It was a metaphor!
Cartwright: Well then let me remind you that would have required me getting Donovan Hastings to agree to something, and secondly, I don’t think we should be doing anything with animals, we’ll end up with Duncan Ryder protesting outside PMN HQ like he was outside tonight.
Pierce: Duncan. Ryder.
Cartwright: Did you see the people he got riled up over Eden’s spectacle from last week? We don’t need that kind of heat on us!
Pierce: We’re part of the media, Rob, controversy is a good thing. Plus we need to stand out if I’m going to win the crusade, and weeks of planning just got flushed.
Todd the Intern is standing nearby wearing a headset and holding a clipboard, talking to a backstage attendant.
Todd: Alright, tell Chauncey to get ready. He’ll be heading out as soon as the main event ends.
Travis double-takes before grabbing Todd by the arm, startling him.
Pierce: Did he pick yet?
Todd: Who?
Pierce: Cynric, did he make his pick yet for who won the Crusade?
Todd: I’m actually not sure, we were just sending someone to find out.
Pierce: Then there might still be time!
Travis spins on his heels back to Cartwright.
Pierce: If we pull off a huge last-minute prank on Eden, we can still win this. Quick, round up some bumblebees, maybe we can convince Eden they’re murder hornets.
Chauncey the Bard prances into gorilla.
Chauncey: All ye present, heed my words! The humble and noble Cynric the First has made his selection, and it shall be pronounced that-
Todd: Save it until you get out there.
Pierce: He picked already? But that means…
Travis groans.
Pierce: Ugh...I hate the Melee.
~
Pierce: Welcome back to our Massive Melee Piercing Preview! I love the Massive Melee, one of my favorite times of the year! A sea of humanity flung together into a ring, and shit flying everywhere and you have no idea what’s going to stick! Now, this is of course the year in which we are celebrating UGWC’s tenth anniversary, so let’s take a trip on the Wayback Machine and look back upon the greatest moments of the history of the Massive Melee in UGWC.
The monitor shows a montage of Pierce eliminating Victoria Jensen and Jezebel Saint in 2013, Harley Addams in 2014, Eden Morgan and Larry the Conqueror of Planets in 2016, Dave Rydell in 2017, and Hide Yamazaki in 2019.
Pierce: And that’s literally all that has ever mattered in there! I mean, I don’t know about you, but I could watch the footage of Travis Pierce eliminating UGWC Hall of Famer Jezebel Saint on a loop for hours! But of course, we intend to look forward, not backwards, this isn’t The Deimos Drama, it’s The Piercing Truth! So let’s take a look together at who is likely to win this event, but first let’s shuffle the riff-raff out of the way and tell you who’s NOT going to win.
Pierce: I know what you’re thinking. But Seb has the final entrance slot! Yeah, he does. That’s the killer. You know how many times the final entrant has won the Massive Melee? Zilch. Zero. He’s got a better chance of being stuffed in a closet by a bunch of angry luchadores.
Pierce: Jumping over to the other end of the spectrum, Phrixus Deimos has to be #1. Now, again, this is The Piercing Truth and not The Phrixus Frontier, but pardon us throwing on the Wayback for a second. Back in 2009 in the LWF days, I eliminated Fear from the Melee, and I’ll throw in that I was the #1 entrant that year. So I got this bit covered. And I hear some people shouting reminders that Fear won from the #2 slot in 2015, but guess what? Yours truly was the Creative Director that year and wasn’t in the Melee. See? That’s how stuff goes wrong.
Pierce: Now, this has NOT been photoshopped in any way, shame on you for accusing us of that, this was a picture taken by a hidden camera inside Vain Manor after I beat Alan at Grand Slam last year, reminding everyone that I own him in the ring. Considering nowadays PMN owns him outside the ring, and it’s just a sharp fact that this isn’t going to be a problem.
Pierce: Gotta be in it to win it, and Zane’s too busy these days doing yoga with cats.
Pierce: Hi! My name’s Dave, and I’ve been on this epic redemption hero arc for the last six months. I’ve beaten everybody from Redd Thunder to Jordan King and that momentum is going to carry me forward to winning the Massive Melee, there’s just one small problem: everybody still thinks that I absolutely suck. I mean, let’s be real here, Dave. Yeah, you’ve been on a tear lately, and last month you got that big win over Fear that made you a contender, just like everybody else that beat Fear and went on to do jack and shit. So you’ve gotten yourself an advantage, a preferred entrance position. Good on you, because you’re going to need it. Maybe next year you can follow up this performance by doing a Three Faces bit. Start the match as Dave Rydell, but after you get tossed come back as the Crazed Anarchist, and after you get tossed come back a third time and be Red Fusion, and every time you come out play three different songs on the way to the ring, so we can have heard a third of all the schizophrenic different music choices you’ve made over the years.
Pierce: Here’s a joke, ready? This is my joke: Travis Roberts in the Massive Melee. Because if you look in this picture, Travis showing us exactly what his performance was last year. A cradle of filth. Total garbage. In fact, the indisputable record for worst performance in a Massive Melee EVER, and that’s going back to the LWF days. But what can you expect from a Beta?
Pierce: ’ello, what might we ‘av here, then? Dr. Touchy will see you now. I mean, let’s just take a moment to appreciate that Gabriel Baal has got to have absolutely the most punchable face going, which really doesn’t work to his advantage in a match like this one, when a ton of people get to line up to punch it. Now, Gabriel was on a bit of a roll for awhile since his return and found himself squarely in the spotlight, Guest Creative Director, voted to the main event of In Your Hands, big win at No Holds Barred, but you never have to worry about Gabriel getting too much momentum going because he’s got a magnet in his head that sucks it right up Eden’s ass every time he risks having too much real success. Now that he is officially Mr. Eden Morgan, we can all rest easy knowing that he’ll never really have his eyes on the prize, because they’re too busy giving Eden puppy looks.
Pierce: Now, we learned on Synergy in some breaking news on TPT that Donovan Hastings is not as extra crispy as Gabriel Morgan might have hoped, but any risk that he might win the Melee is resolved by keeping in mind that this is the time of year that Hastings typically develops some inane and devoid of logic reason for obsessing over some member of the roster and hounding them incessantly for months leading to a final confrontation at Horizons, so somebody will toss him out and then regret it from now until December.
Travis snickers for a moment and gets the camera to zoom into something he’s holding up on his phone.
Pierce: I mean, come on. Maria Salvatore will be lucky if she makes it to the ring.
Pierce: Wow, maybe JC is the new Mr. Touchy? I wouldn’t have thought so, but that picture sort of creeps me out. JC is supposed to be this badass that’s going to come in here and raise all sorts of hell, but it tells you something that UGWC responded by sticking him in a Coffee House with Crystal Zdunich. The only thing I’m worried about when it comes to JC is that I have to start looking over my shoulder for Lucy Wylde, because we all know she’s a bad bitch.
Pierce: Konrad Raab is going to come to the Melee and enter it for the first time ever and it will be a big challenge because he has never done it before and throw the people over the ropes but do not worry his nerves will be calm because he took the Compazine and Zofram so he will be fine until apparently somebody comes to kill him? Hard to win the Melee when you’ve been murdered, unless you go to the Eden Morgan school of magically not being dead.
Travis turns to Camera B.
Pierce: So who WILL win the Massive Melee? Well, there is a big name we haven’t mentioned yet, but we went old school and crunched some Kem numbers and it seems we have predicted the winner, let’s take a look…
Pierce: Is that? IT IS! Ladies and gentlemen, some piercing news for you, it seems the winner of the 2020 Massive Melee is going to be none other than Travis Pierce! This is unbelievable, and yet entirely not shocking at the same time! That’s right, Travis Pierce is winning the Massive Melee and going to WrestleStock. Who will he challenge there? Will it be Angie Vaughn, defending for the second year in a row? Will the Deathwish shock the world? WHO CARES?! Because all you’re going to be talking about a month from now is how exciting it is that Travis Pierce is once again the World Heavyweight Champion, and come the Massive Melee, and everyone laying there on the outside wondering how they got tossed there, let me just remind you that it’s not my fault that the truth...hurts.
Travis winks to the camera as we fade out.
x2
