Horizons '08 RESULTS

[Lord Hastings]

The camera opens up in a small, brightly lit, sophisticatedly decorated room, with Jason Reeves sitting on a single sized leather couch. He is smiling broadly, as he stares into the camera, behind his thick, black shades.

Reeves: Yo, yo, yo my posse! Only 30 minutes until GIW’s grandest show in history, Horizons! Man, this show is gonna be off the page. But you know GIW’s NUMBER ONE INTERVIEWER, Jason Reeves, is never gonna be outshined! So I’ve put together an exclusive Horizons pre-show… well, urgh… show, for you guys! And trust me, I’m bringing y’all shit that Roxy Malone couldn’t even dream about! Then again, I heard the only dreams she has are nightmares about being involved in a Sean Jensen storyline! AW YEAH, I WENT DERE!!!

“Ahem…”

Reeves looks to his right, quite nervously, then nods in compliance and turns back to the camera.

Reeves: Aighte homeys, I’ve got a little wrestling action lined up for you guys later in the program, but right now lets get this discussion for Horizons going! Introducing my two very esteemed guests, guests that I had to go to extraordinary lengths to bring in… WILL SMITH AND NICOLAS CAGE!!!

The camera pans out to reveal Smith and Cage seated on a double sized leather couch beside the GIW interviewer.

Reeves: So my dudes, how you guys been?!

Smith: Aww yeah, homey, I’m up in da bidness, ya hear?! Will Smith always keepin’ it tight and rollin’ like a Jacko lantern!

Cage: I haven’t gone looking for treasure - for treasure movie roles in about 3 hours. I’m having withdrawal symptoms, man! I need Kal-El to recharge me!

Reeves: Urgh…

Smith: NIGGA HOLD DAT!!!

Smith throws a Blu Ray copy of Hancock at the interviewer. Reeves fumbles clumsily, trying to catch it, before it falls to the floor. Smith’s eyes begin to bulge and sparks begin emanating from his left arm.

Smith: That… was… my… MOVIE!!!

Reeves: Please don’t kill me, Mr. Smith! I have a family!!!

Smith calms down and his face contorts with curiosity.

Smith: Really?

Reeves: Umm… yeah. The fans of GIW are my family!

Smith and Cage: Weak…

Reeves: Now on with the show! Mr. Smith and Mr. Cage are gonna be giving us their predictions on each of the matches. So gentlemen, what do you think about the opening contest? A match to decide the first ever GIW Tag Team Champions!

Cage: What? You mean this is an actual match? Chip Masters hasn’t done anything all month, but get abducted my Marlo and its huge ass at every single show. And Dredd is so pathetic, he was rejected by Marlo and its huge ass. To think they could have given that TV time to me and my thrilling adventures is a crime against humanity!

Reeves: So you think War & Peace will win, then?

Cage: No way. ‘Winning’ would mean there had been some sort of contest. This is gonna be like Nic Cage verse Sean Bean! Like DJ’s ass verse the rapist monkey that killed his momma! Like Ghost Rider verse Hancock! Like -

THUMP!

Reeves lets out a girlish scream, as Smith has blasted Cage with his left arm.

Smith: Fucking asshole! But da Fresh Prince has to agree with his thoughts on the match. American Muscle gonna be like an ass muscle feeling the power of Will Smith’s foot muscle! Those bitches are TOAST!

Reeves: Alright, well what about the next match? Xavier Bryan steps out of retirement to face off against his old rival Raenius.

Smith: -

Cage: What do you expect to happen?! Raenius dresses like a clown and spends more time doing unspeakable things to Mickey Dragon, than he does wrestling. This is gonna be like the time the Gatorman tried to stop me from claiming King Arthur’s metallic jockstrap. Now on that treasure hunt we… I mean discussion about the script, not a treasure hunt. The Gatorman thought he was pretty tough, but I got the one up when…

Reeves and Smith: o.O

Cage: Forget it… Bryan to win.

Smith: You got no idea, son! Raenius is a beast! Just the way people talk about him, you can tell that gangstas fear the homey. And respect like that don’t come easy. Ya gotta earn it. Raenius gonna show the folks of GIW what he’s all about. And that’s about listenin' to freaky voices and kickin’ ass!

Reeves: Well, you both make some good points. Jason reeves is so glad he was able to get you guys in here!

Smith: You promised me a night alone with Gabrielle.

Cage: You promised me a night alone with a map of the catacombs underneath the arena.

Reeves: Urgh, yeah… that’s no problem! Moving on to the, urgh… next match… the no DQ blindfold match!

Cage simply begins laughing. Reeves turns to Smith, hopefully.

Smith: What kinda whacked out shit is this penguin pullin’?! A no DQ blindfold match?! What’s to stop them just taking the blindfolds off?! It’s not like they can be disqualified. That shit is redundant!

Cage: You’re way off base as usual, Smith! The blindfold is there to help those guys. You saw what they got up to last week, right?! They need to fight blindfolded, so they don’t start drooling over each other and then force everyone to watch, as they start making out in the middle of the ring! I predict the most exciting thing about this match will be my battle against trying to fall asleep on the job. Maybe I should bring a portable DVD player with me… watching some Con Air always keeps me on the edge of my seat!

Smith: Because you’re so eager to finally see the credits roll around? Your movies suck more than Austin on his latest donkey flick, Cage!

Cage: You’re gonna regret that! Where’s Kal-El?!

Smith: UP YO MOMMA’S ASS, BITCH!

Cage: MY MOMMA WAS A GREAT MAN!!!

Reeves: O.O! Next match, next match! Boss P on a pole!

Cage: BOSS P ON SMITH’S DADDA’S POLE!!

Smith: DAMN NIGGA! TAKIN’ DAT SHIT TOO FUCKIN’ FAR!!!

Cage: I HEARD RICKER’S COCK WAS TOO FAR IN YO MOMMA!!!

Smith: RICKER IS YO MOMMA!!!

Reeves: Ladies and gentlemen, we’ve got a special pre-Horizons match to show you guys! The debuting Lobo against some guy who people care about a little bit more than DJ. Let’s roll!

Reeves attempts to throw himself between the two battling celebrities, as the camera fades to black.

[Lord Hastings]

Dennis: The following contest is a special pre-Horizons match, scheduled for One Fall! Introducing first, "BlackDog" Brown!

A clip is aired on the GlobatronScreen, showing some of the wrestler’s greatest victories and most powerful moves. A red carpet is laid on the ramp from under the ‘Tron. BlackDog Brown makes his way to the ring with his gal, Mitzi who kisses him passionately.

Dennis: And his opponent, from Brooklyn, New York! Weighing in at One Hundred and Sixty Two Pounds, Sean "LOBO" Rios"!

Sean Rios makes his way to the ring. The two wrestlers stare intensely at one another and then engage in a test of strength, each man trying to overcome his opponent after a few, seemingly endless, seconds and an enormous effort the bigger BlackDog prevails, lifting Rios and slamming him hard onto the mat.

Vinegar: What a scoop slam by BlackDog Brown!

Hanson: The man's wrestling a smart match, using his size and strength to his advantage against the smaller Sean Rios.

Vinegar: Yeah, and if you look at the both of these two, you can see that Rios is a speck compared to the size of big Blackdog Brown!

BlackDog prepares to strike Rios, hitting him with a vicious short-arm clothesline!

Vinegar: That just had to hurt!

BlackDog uses the right hand to grab the opponent's head, but Rios breaks free from his opponent's grasp and starts to fight back, using his right fist to smash BlackDog's face, and then jumps up, locking his legs around BlackDog neck, flipping him down, slamming him on the mat headfirst, executing an impressive lightning quick Frankensteiner!

Hanson: Where the hell did that come from?!

Vinegar: This guy's pretty quick!

Sean Rios pulls BlackDog still groggy, by his hair, but gets stopped with a hard rake to the face. BlackDog hoists the luchador across his shoulders and carries him around, before dropping back with a devastating Samoan Drop! Rios rolls on the mat in agony, and BlackDog taunts the crowd to a chous of boos.

Hanson: BlackDog really getting the crowd riled up, here tonight!

Vinegar: He's not afraid to show them what he thinks of this capacity crowd here tonight!

BlackDog gets beside the prone Rios, and strikes his forehead with a Knee Drop! He then begins to stomp away at Rios, who tries to roll out of the ring, to no avail, as BlackDog pulls him to the middle of the ring by his ankle.

Vinegar: BlackDog really utilizing that brutish strength of his here.

Hanson: If he keeps this up, he'll make short work of Sean Rios!

BlackDog hooks his opponent’s leg with his own, executing an Indian Death Lock! Sean Rios screams as BlackDog yanks his head, fighting desperately to crawl to the ropes, then hooks his arm around the bottom rope, causing the ref to break the hold.

Vinegar: That was almost it for him right there!

Hanson: Showing a tremendous amount of heart making it to those ropes wasn't easy!

BlackDog goes and tries to get his opponent in another Indian Death Lock, but Rios rolls away and up onto his feet, escaping the hold. Sean Rios quickly gets up and counterattacks, springboarding off of the ropes with a reverse elbow smash!

Hanson: This Rios is really quick!

Vinegar: This is like watching a fly fight a bull! He's not gonna be able to put this bigger man down!

Hanson: That reamins to be seen---

BlackDog is dazed, but catches an oncoming Sean Rios with a vicious big boot, that send him crashing to the mat. BlackDog then covers Sean Rios, hooking the leg in a pin attempt. Referee starts counting...

....1....

....2....

Sean Rios kicks out of the pin and rolls away, trying to regain his bearings. Meanwhile, BlackDog gets on the second turnbuckle and with a jump, raises his fists to the sky holding them together and descends toward Rios quickly lowering them, performing a Double Axe Handle!!

BlackDog stomps around the ring, pounding his chest, signalling for his finisher.

Vinegar: It looks like BlackDog is calling for the coup de grace!

Hanson: This one's about to be over---

BlackDog turns around from taunting the fans into a kip up enziguri by Rios. The impact of the kick sends the big man sideways against the ropes.

Hanson: How is this guy surviving?

Vinegar: How should I know? Maybe he took a Red Bull before the match!

Hanson: Oh, that's funny - so you're a comedian now?

Vinegar: Just shut your mouth and call the damn match, will you?

BlackDog prepares to strike at Rios, but he moves and dodges a Forearm Smash, running to the ropes, bouncing off and slamming into BlackDog's knee with a quick low dropkick. BlackDog falls to one knee, as Sean Rios again comes off the ropes, striking BlackDog with a modified shining wizard kick to the back of the head! BlackDog falls to the mat facefirst, and rolls onto his back, as Rios climbs the turnbuckle, signaling a "merry-go-round".

Hanson: What's he gonna do?

Vinegar: Why don't you go in there and ask him?

Hanson: What's gotten into you?

Vinegar: Just watch...

Rios comes off of the top turnbuckle with a 450 splash onto BlackDog and covers for the pin. The Referee counts...

....1....

....2....

....3....

Hanson: INCREDIBLE! SEAN RIOS WINS THE MATCH AND DEFEATS "BLACKDOG" BROWN IN A CLEAR DAVID VERSUS GOLIATH MATCH UP!!

Vinegar: I gotta admit it, the guy's got spunk. But only time will tell if he can hang with the rest of the guys in the back!

The crowd gives a small pop to Rios, mainly for hitting the 450. He waves at the crowd, and climbs the turnbuckle celebrating his hard fought victory. He then exits the ring and makes his way up the rampway, stopping at the top of the stage to bow to the crowd and blow a kiss. He then disappears behind the curtains.

Hanson: Wow, what an impressive debut by one of our newest superstars!

Vinegar: Yeah, whatever. We'll see how long he lasts, before somebody beats him to a pulp!

Hanson: What do you have against him?

Vinegar: Me? Nothing. He just didn't impress me is all.

Hanson: He didn't impress? I really don't see how!

Vinegar: You also lick windows.

[Lord Hastings]

The camera now returns to Jason Reeves, Will Smith and Nic Cage. Though all men are seated calmly now, the tension in the air is still apparent as ever. Reeves is covered in bruises, while Smith and Cage both seem to be perfectly healthy.

Reeves: Well… welcome back. Hope you guys enjoyed the match… things got pretty epic in here, that’s fo sho. But we good to roll now, negros! So I never heard your thought on Boss P on a pole? Who’s gonna take it, Smith?

Smith: Severino. Next.

Cage: Well I have to agree with Smith on this one. But I’m not sure it’ll be so clean cut. Savana and Cyanide are both wildcards in this match and either of them could sneak the victory. But DJS is no doubt the favourite.

Reeves: What about Solomon?

Cage: Who?

Reeves: Good point… now how about Hastings vs. Peterson? This match may have had the longest build up time of all the matches on the card.

Cage: Yeah, but it’ll be the shortest lasting - if the Tag Title match wasn’t three falls, that’d take the win, mind you. But that doesn’t matter, because Peterson is going down in this one. It’s a wrestler against an old, fat referee. No contest.

Smith: You one out there Compton, you know that? Peterson is representin’ hoods all over tha ghetto! That brother is gonna take this one home!

Reeves: A bit of an upset pick, Smith, but Reeves don’t doubt your wisdom.

Cage: What’s that supposed to mean?

Smith: It means you’re an ass!!

Cage: AT LEAST I AIN’T MARLO’S ASS, LIKE YO MOMMA!!!!

Reeves: Fellas, fellas, please!

“YOU HAD YA CHANCE NEGRO! IF YOU CAN’T CONTROL THESE GNAGSTAS, THEN YOU OUTTA HERE!!!!”

A loud BANG is heard off camera, before a giant sized beanbag goes flying across the screen and levels Reeves. Roxy Malone then climbs onto the beanbag, as Cage and Smith stop their fighting, in shock of what just happened.

Roxy: I’m gonna finish this interview because Boss P said so, ‘kay guys?

She grins affectionately, as Cage and Smith both turn to each other. They turn back to Roxy and enthusiastically nod.

Roxy: ‘Kay, where were we? Oh, the girls are fighting now! Who’s gonna take the Women’s Title home tonight?

Smith: If I weren’t married, I’d gladly give you a little 'Title' of your own.

Roxy giggles playfully, causing Cage to grit his teeth in annoyance.

Cage: Yeah well, if I didn’t have to go treasure hunting, I’d lay my man ooze all over you!

Roxy and Smith: …

Cage: Sorry, not treasure hunting… urgh… pussy hunting! Yeah, that’s what I meant. Gonna hit me up with some gangsta broads, yo!

Roxy and Smith: ………………………………

Cage: Dammit… Chass will win.

Smith: Bullshit, playa! Gabrielle has been the Hancock of the Women’s division for months now! And she knows if she wins, she’s gonna get the ‘Champion’s treatment’ from yours truly. That kind of motivation gets anyone ready to roll!

Roxy *giggling still*: But Will, what about being married?

Smith: Damn girl…

Cage: Some of us have places to be!

Roxy: Oh, sorry. Well guys, your match is next. Who’s gonna win?!

Cage: Brown!

Smith: Prescott!

Cage: You have no idea, Smith! I don’t like the guy, but the match is Brown all the way! He beat the living hell out of Prescott last time they faced! He’s a two time Global Champ! He’s been beating guys left and right all year, while Prescott’s been hiding out from a penguin!

Smith: Damn playa! Only thing Prescott needs in his corner to make him invincible is Will Funkin’ Smith!

Cage: So you’re saying you’re gonna cheat to make sure Prescott wins?!

Smith: WHACK! Even without my help, Brown got nothing on my white bread homeboy. Brown may have beaten Declan, but a homey can’t forget that both guys have one win over the other. This is the decider, boy! And Prescott ain’t leaving anything to chance!

Cage: This isn’t about chance! It’s about being outclassed! And that’s what’s gonna happen to Prescott! Just like that 30 cent homeless hooker behind the arena outclasses YO MOMMA!!!

Smith: Oh nigga, you didn’t just say that!

Roxy *giggling louder than ever now*: You guys are so silly when you fight! Come on, there’s one match left! The main event!

Smith: Travis Roberts taking this one all the way! Homey got to give BoolZ some payback! And he gotta beat on Kis, just ‘coz everyone fuckin’ hates Kis!

Cage: No way! Randy Boolzian without a doubt! He had to win Batttleground to make it this far! He got to pick the match! He wouldn’t pick something he couldn’t handle!

Roxy: So neither of you guys think Alex will win?

Cage: Don’t be stupid. No one ever bets on the Champion to retain at a major pay-per-view.

Roxy: Well it’s a unification match, you guys.

Smith: For a dumb broad, you pretty smart.

Roxy: Aw, you’re both such sweeties! But it’s almost time for Horizons! So thanks for coming in guys, but do you have anything you want to say before we go to the pay-per-view?

Cage: Actually, I do.

Smith: Me too.

Both men rise to their feet and go nose-to-nose.

Smith: See you out there… bitch!

Cage: WROARGH!!!!

Cage slams his foot right into Smith’s groin, making him squeal like a chipmunk and fall to the ground, clutching his janglies.

Cage: YOU JUST GOT… CAGED!!!!!

Smith: I think I lost one…

[Lord Hastings]

We open up on a darkened GIW arena. All we hear are a few stifled whistles and cheers. A spotlight slowly comes up on the centre of the ring, revealing a young man, probably in his twenties wearing a tuxedo and holding a microphone. An unseen piano starts to play and the man raises his head to sing.

“It’s been a long road, getting from there to here.
It’s been a long time, but my time is finally near.
But I can feel a change in the wind right now.
Nothing’s in my way.
And they’re not gonna hold me down no more, no they’re not gonna hold me down.”

As the next lines start the music gets loudly. The lights shoot up with a sudden large but excessive pyro. Revealing the pianist and a group of female backing singers at the top of the ramp.

“’Cause I’ve got faith, of the heart. Going where my heart will take me.
I’ve got faith, to believe, I can do anything.
I’ve got strength of the soul, and no-one’s gonna bend or break me.
I can reach, any star.
I’ve got faith. I’ve got faith. Faith of the Heart.”

The crowd are on their feet by this point, many arm in arm, swaying from side to side. Some holding lighters proudly aloft.

“It’s been a long night, trying to find my way.
And through the darkness, now I finally have my day.
But I will see my dream come alive at last.
I will touch the sky.
And they’re not gonna hold me down no more, no they’re not gonna change my mind.”

“’Cause I’ve got faith, of the heart. Going where my heart will take me.
I’ve got faith, to believe, I can do anything.
I’ve got strength of the soul, and no-one’s gonna bend or break me.
I can reach, any star.
I’ve got faith. I’ve got faith. Faith of the Heart.”

“I’ve known a wind so cold and seen the darkest day.
But now the winds I feel and only winds of change.
I’ve been through the fire, I’ve been through the rain.
But I’ve been fine..”

As the final chorus is about to begin the singers and music grow with a valorous crescendo to almost deafening levels.

“’Cause I’ve got faith, of the heart. Going where my heart will take me.
I’ve got faith, to believe, I can do anything.
I’ve got strength of the soul, and no-one’s gonna bend or break me.
I can reach, any star.
I’ve got faith. I’ve got faith. Faith of the Heart.”

As the last words of the chorus are sung the lights drop low until we again are left with only a single low spotlight on the leader.

“It’s been a long road…”

The light goes out and for a moment all is quiet again.

The lights come back up again the cameras zoom around the arena over the packed out GIW fans who’re cheering with a renewed vigour. The camera falls on all manner of amazing banners and crazily dressed super fans as pyros fire off constantly from all over the ramp and the ring.

Vinegar: Hello GIW fans and welcome to the greatest show on Earth, live, only on Pay-Per-View from the Global Impact Wrestling Arena here in Los Angeles I’m Nicholas Vinegar, here with my partner Daniel Hanson.

Hanson: …That was beautiful…

Vinegar: Are you crying?

Hanson: No.

Vinegar: Yes you are.

Hanson: Well so what if I am!? That was beautiful, man. You’re a heartless fiend if you don’t think so.

Vinegar: It was beautiful and thank you to local star Julian Morgan and his backing for kicking off our show so amazingly.

Hanson: I’m having the one on the left.

Vinegar: Huh?

Hanson: The backing singers.

Vinegar: Glad to have you back. This show’s almost ready to get underway, we’re going to see War & Peace manager in his GIW in-ring debut up against old foe Raenius. We’re going to see Aragato up against wrestling veteran, GIW newcomer The Stud Rooster Mikey B. Badd in a no disqualification blindfold match. GIW referee Owen Peterson is going to be making his in-ring debut facing off against Donovan Hastings. Someone is going to earn themselves a shot at the Global Heavyweight title by retrieving Boss P from his perch as Diamond Jack Severino, Andy Savana, Sean Cyanide and Solomon clash in the Boss P on a Pole, Money in the Bank Match. Gabrielle looks to defend her Women’s title once again against challenger Chassie Fear. GIW goes Hollywood as Declan Prescott takes on his old nemesis Brandon Brown with Hollywood Actor’s Nic Cage and Will Smith splitting duties as referee and enforcer and who could forget out main event, the Global Heavyweight, Hardcore and TWiSTeD Fight Club title unification, triple threat Hell in a Cell match between The Blessed One Travis Roberts, The Red Bull Icon Randy Boolzian and The Dragon Alex Kiseragi.

Hanson: That was quite a rant. Don’t you think everyone knew all that anyway?

Vinegar: Wouldn’t want anyone to forget and we had to fill some time while they cleared all the pyro debris and brought out all the stuff for the first match.

Hanson: What’s that again?

Vinegar: Fans, we’re kicking off this show with the first ever GIW tag team title match!

Hanson: Oh yeah, that’s the one.

Vinegar: So let’s go over to Mitchell Dennis and get this show underway.

The lights fade and the words 'WE LIVE' appear across the big screen as 'We Live' by Rehab begins to play. A video begins to play on the big screen highlighting War & Peace's road to the finals of the tag tournament. The video starts with the match at Distant Whispers and goes up until last week's Sentinel. Smoke fills the stage as it plays and about 1 minute 21 seconds into the song it abruptly stops as 'Beat It' by Fall Out Boy blasts into the speakers. A spotlight is positioned on the centre of the stage as Ezekiel Pax comes running out onto the stage busting out some dance moves that would make the dudes from the 'Kollaboration' video happy.

Hanson: Oh this is just embarrassing. He should be embarrassed. Even if he’s not, I’m embarrassed for him. Are you chair dancing?

Vinegar: What? It’s infectious.

He continues dancing from one side of the stage to the other until at the 27 second mark 'Hatestomp' by Genocide Superstars hits the speakers and Ezekiel freezes around the centre of the stage. Drums and guitar play at a fast pace and you hear the word 'GO!' screamed at the 20 second mark and Marek Daisuke comes flying through the air, flying over Ezekiel, after being shot out of the stage, executing a front flip in mid-air landing in his Warrior stance. Marek gets to his feet and he and Ezekiel stand side by side as they head down to the ring.

Dennis: Ladies and Gentlemen welcome to GIW Horizons. Our opening contest is the first ever match for the GIW Tag Team Titles. The match is a best two of three falls, the first fall being first blood, the second via tables and ending in a ladder match with each team having to complete each fall before continuing to the next. So it’s more like a best 3 of 5 falls match really. You’ll pick it up as we go and if you don’t, just enjoy the pretty colours.

Halfway down the ramp both men sprint and jump from the ground and Ezekiel lands on the apron Marek reaches up, grabs the top rope and springs himself into the ring.

Dennis: Oh yeah. Introducing first, now in the ring weighing in a combined weight of 329lbs, from Ishikawa Japan, Marek Daisuke, and from Los Angeles California, Ezekiel Pax, War and Peeeeeeeeeeeace!!!

Ezekiel soaks in the cheers from the apron as Marek mounts the top turnbuckle. Ezekiel climbs into the ring and takes his spot on the turnbuckle on the opposite side. Ezekiel continues to soak in the cheers as Marek does his Warrior pose on the top turnbuckle. Suddenly both men execute picture perfect back flips and as their feet hit pyros explode from all four corners and across the apron. Ezekiel strips off his HORIZONS 2008 t-shirt and tosses into the crowd.

Hanson: How can anyone expect these guys to win? I mean, American Muscle have had their number both times they’ve come together in tag team action.

Vinegar: Maybe so but War and Peace have come out on top almost every time it’s come to singles action and you can never count out these young guys heart, especially with their first taste of gold on the line.

Hanson: It’s not about singles action though, these are the Tag Titles and if these guys singles success shows them anything it’s that they’d be better of separated.

Vinegar: With these stipulations though and the chaotic nature of this match, that edge working alone has got to work in their favour.

Hanson: I don’t think it’ll be enough though. Just remember who they’re facing…

Divine by Korn hit’s the speakers and Dredd and Chip Masters walk out to the top of the ramp.

Hanson: Yeeeeeeah! That’s my boyz!

Dennis: And the opponents! At a combined weight of 630lbs, the team of The Monster Dredd and the American Champion Chip Masters. American Musccccccccle!!!

Dredd and Masters make their way down to the ring, climbing up the steps, Chip going between the ropes and Dredd going over the top. They pose on the turnbuckles for a moment then mill around the ring.

Vinegar: Notice Chip’s entourage are absent.

Hanson: Yeah…why is that?

Vinegar: They’re probably scared to come out after last time. Good news for anyone trying to write a synopsis of the match, not having to worry about what they’re doing all the time.

Hanson: Yeah, guess it would be.

Vinegar: Now Glenn Burke walks out to the centre of the ring and gestures up to the Tag Title belts hanging above. Horizons is finally upon us!

[Lord Hastings]

Vinegar: Look at the intensity in these competitors’ eyes. They want those belts bad, everything they’ve gone through since Distant Whispers has been working to this moment and we’re about to go. There’s the bell and War and Peace launch into action, both raining rights on their opponents, driving them back to the ropes. Double dropkick and American Muscle both spill out to the floor.

Hanson: Wait, wait, do over, they weren’t ready.

Vinegar: War and Peace together off the ropes, double suicide dive!

The crowd pops and War and Peace take a minute to bask in the cheers while their opponents are out on the floor.

Hanson: See, as usual, they don’t follow up.

Vinegar: Maybe not, but I think any concerns about their teamwork have quickly been put to rest. Ezekiel turning back to follow up on Chip Masters, stomping him into the crowd barriers.

Hanson: No such luck for Marek though, Dredd’s recovered and the two are exchanging haymakers against the apron.

Vinegar: Dredd gets the upper hand and just launched the Human Missile shoulder first into the barriers. Turning back to help his partner, big clothesline to the back of Pax.

Hanson: Yeah, that’s the stuff.

Vinegar: American Muscle double teaming on Ezekiel Pax now, they’ve got him up, double vertical suplex on the ramp.

Hanson: Damn, did you hear that impact? That must have broken him in two.

Vinegar: Certainly was a heavy blow. Marek’s back up though and coming to his partners aid.

Hanson: Yeah, just to get dropped with a double clothesline. Face it, for all their tricks, these kids can’t handle American Muscle’s power game…

Vinegar: Double Foot n Mouth. Recovering Ezekiel just nailed both those guys with that sick running front dropkick. You were saying?

Hanson: *mumbles*

Vinegar: Yeah, I figured. That’s turned this one around. The Red Eyed Wonder ready to follow up now, he’s got Chip and just hit him with a back breaker. He’s holding it in and Marek’s coming over.

Hanson: Oh what’re they faffing around with now? Dredd’s recovering.

Vinegar: Culture Clash! They just nailed The American Champion on the outside.

Hanson: Dredd’s back to his feet and charging at the pair.

Vinegar: Marek ducks a clothesline and hits a low kick to Dredd’s knee, bringing him down.

Hanson: Seems Zeke’s happy to leave his partner to it, he just climbed back up on the apron.

Vinegar: Marek follows up with a heavy roundhouse to the head and Dredd goes down, Ezekiel, Asai Moonsault! Before Dredd’s even hit the ground the huge follow up move puts the exclamation point on that kick.

Hanson: They look a little lost now.

Vinegar: I guess they could be. The Title belts are there and they could probably get to them but they need to score the first blood fall first. Think Pax is figuring it out, he’s just headed over to the timekeepers and I think he just asked Old Man Hermit for his chair.

Hanson: Don’t give it to him!

Vinegar: Our bell ringer seems slightly astonished but he’s given up the chair and Iron Man’s taking it back while Marek follows up on Dredd, vicious mounted strikes to the head. If he keeps going like that they won’t even need the chair.

Hanson: Chip’s fought himself back up with the help of the steps…

Vinegar: He’d better look out though Ezekiel’s got that chair and he’s swinging…

Hanson: Haha, he missed. Idiot stoner.

Vinegar: I don’t know if Chip dodged the shot or if his legs gave out but that chair shot just shook the corner post and I’m sure right up Ezekiel’s arms. That looked painful.

Hanson: I bet. He might not be able to smoke if his hands are vibrating.

Vinegar: I’m not sure he’s going to worry about that right now. He’s trying to shake it out. Marek getting back to his feet though and dragging Dredd with him. This match making its way into the ring for the first time since the opening 10 seconds.

Hanson: Chip’s back to his senses and just slammed Pax with a releasing belly to belly suplex. Pure wrestling perfection right there.

Vinegar: Certainly a display of wrestling skill we’ve come to expect from Masters. Watch the ring though, Irish whip by Daisuke and a nasty Propulsion Kick knocks the Monster back down.

Hanson: Maybe so, but Chip’s laying it into Zeke Boy on the outside.

Vinegar: Marek’s noticed though. Off the ropes…Whoa! Huge plancha to the outside and Marek just wiped out the American Champion. This guys on fire tonight.

Hanson: He’s going to have to be, Dredd’s up and he doesn’t look happy. Not that he ever does.

Vinegar: The Monster reaching down from the top rope and grabbing the Human Kamikaze by the hair, pulling him back up to the ring and flipping him in over the top rope.

Hanson: Yeah, now we’re getting somewhere.

Vinegar: Scoop slam by Dredd.

Hanson: Now the Monster’s taking the cover off of the turnbuckle. See this is the kind of thinking that’s going to make American Muscle the first GIW Tag Champs.

Vinegar: You mean fighting dirty?

Hanson: Exactly.

Vinegar: Well, whatever you call it, it’s legal here tonight and Dredd’s got Marek Daisuke back up, snake eyes over the exposed ring in the corner. On the outside Ezekiel back up and he just threw Chip into the crowd before scaling the turnbuckle.

Hanson: This isn’t going to end well for him.

Vinegar: High risk manoeuvre in the works, diving cross body!

Hanson: No, Dredd just snatched him out of the air. Big fall away slam and my boy’s standing tall.

Vinegar: Your boy?

Hanson: Yeah.

Vinegar: Something tells me he wouldn’t agree. War and Peace fighting to their feet. Dredd turns back, double clothesline attempt is ducked. Double enziguri by War and Peace, they damn near took his head off.

Hanson: Bah, bet he barely felt it.

Dredd collapses.

Hanson: …

Vinegar: Chip’s pulled himself out of the crowd, chair in hand. Slides into the ring, takes a swing at Ezekiel Pax, ducked though and, Oh! Marek just nailed a missile knee straight through the chair.

Hanson: That was stupid, that’s gonna hurt his leg more than anything else.

Dennis: The first fall goes to War and Peace, by First Blood.

Vinegar: It may have hurt Marek but it busted Chip wide open and War and Peace are one step closer to the gold. Not wasting any time now, both members of American Muscle are down and Pax just dropped to the outside and he’s digging under the ring.

Hanson: What’s that stoner doing now? There’s no munchies under there ya know?

Vinegar: He’s getting a table. You really are dense sometimes. Good strategy here trying to score a quick second fall. Ezekiel Pax sliding the table into the ring and getting it set up while his partner keeps an eye on their opponents.

Hanson: You mean stands there not doing anything?

Vinegar: Well he’s probably tired. Table set up now and Pax is dragging The American Champion to his feet and up onto it. Might be looking for a piledriver here.

Hanson: No, Chip Masters fights him off, back body drop.

Vinegar: Strong counter by Masters, and a diving double axe handle for Marek and all four men are grounded.

Hanson: No stamina, that’s their problem.

Vinegar: Ezekiel Pax back to his feet first, Masters’ up too and they’re exchanging right hands in the middle of the ring. Pax comes out on top and forces Chip back into the corner.

Hanson: Haha, someone should tell him not to turn around, Dredd’s back to his feet.

Vinegar: Iron Man stepping back, looks like he’s setting up for something.

Ezekiel Pax backs up towards the centre of the ring but stops as he bumps into Dredd. He slowly turns around, a scared look on his face.

Hanson: Haha. That’s comedic gold right there.

Vinegar: Dredd blocks the punch and hoists Pax into the air. Great display of strength and he just drops him. Marek back to his feet, low dropkick to Dredd and the giant drops to his knee, and Daisuke just snaps off a hurracanrana.

Hanson: Chips’ back and locks in a grounded front face lock on Zeke boy.

Vinegar: Not a bad move grounding one half of War and Peace but Marek’s noticed and just hit a standing shooting star press to break the hold. Both members up now and they’re taking a moment to regroup in the corner.

Hanson: Dredd’s coming in like a steam train--

Vinegar: Ezekiel just shoved Marek out the way and took the full brunt of that avalanche. Noble sacrifice there and it allows Marek to springboard and hit…hell, what I can only call a corkscrew roundhouse kick.

Hanson: Oh now where’s he off too?

Vinegar: Marek just dropped out to ringside and he’s gone under the ring too. He’s pulling out a ladder.

Hanson: What? Has he forgotten about the table fall?

Vinegar: More than one way to put a guy through a table. I think he’s got a plan. Shoving the ladder into the ring between the ropes he’s back up onto the apron. Springboard forearm smash just knocks down Chip Masters as he fights to get back into this match.

Hanson: Come on guys! Get back in it!

Vinegar: Sure you don’t wanna just climb in there and help them out yourself?

Hanson: Maybe I will.

Vinegar: I doubt that. Marek’s setting up that ladder in the middle of the ring and seems to be directing traffic. I think he wants Dredd set up on the table and Ezekiel doing his best to pull the guy across the ring.

Hanson: He’s not going to be able to lift him. Look at him, Dredd’s arms are bigger than Zeke’s legs.

Vinegar: Dredd’s up again though, one way or the other. No he just knocked Pax down with a vicious throat thrust. Turns around and pulls Marek down into a torture rack.

Hanson: That’s the stuff, he’s going to break that kid in half.

Vinegar: Well for whatever reason Dredd just dropped Marek backwards out of the ring and he tumbles to the floor. Maybe he remembered there’s no submissions. The Monster going back to work on The Red Eyed Wonder now, vicious mounted right hands, looks like he’s trying to get him opened up.

Hanson: Chip’s back to his feet too and they’re both working him over. Setting him up in the corner. Oh I hope this is a Concrete Piledriver.

Vinegar: Could be as Dredd sets him up on the top rope and starts climbing.

Hanson: YES!

Vinegar: No, Ezekiel fighting him off and shoves him to the ground. Diving spear takes down Chip. Pax kips back up, runs off the ropes and a baseball slide shoves Dredd out to the arena floor.

Hanson: No!
Vinegar: He’s setting Chip up now, laying him out on that table and heading up the far side of the ladder.

Hanson: He didn’t do a good job dealing with Dredd though, he’s just climbed back in and he’s going up the ladder after him.

Vinegar: Dredd and Pax trading blows fifteen feet in the air. Solid right hand from the Monster and Iron Man just fell back to the mat with a thud.

Hanson: He’s gotta be out after a fall like that.

Vinegar: Wait, Marek’s back up on the apron. He’s on the ropes. Springboard Ishikawa Execution!!! Marek Daisuke just leapt across the ring, tore Dredd off the ladder and slammed him through not only the table below, but his own partner!

Dennis: The second fall goes to War and Peace by Table.

Vinegar: That’s two falls and all they have left to do is climb up and take those Title belts.

Hanson: Oh, I get it. This is when American Muscle make their heroic comeback and win. They had me worried for a second but it’s ok, they had it all planned.

Vinegar: Don’t count on it. I think Chip Masters is unconscious and Marek’s heading up the ladder now.

Hanson: No, Dredd’s going to stop him.

Vinegar: Wow, I don’t know if his partner softened the blow but Dredd’s getting back up and is indeed taking to the ladder again. Marek reaching for the belts but Dredd’s there to stop him.

Hanson: The circus performer’s not going to fight him off there.

Vinegar: Maybe not, Marek trying to get those knees up but the shots blocked by Dredd and the Monster just shoves him. No, great display of agility, back flip by Marek and he lands on his feet.

Hanson: Fancy move but it doesn’t change the fact that Dredd’s up the ladder and he’s not. Look, I don’t think he even wants to try to get back up there.

Vinegar: Stand off here, Marek’s just run against the ropes, building up speed. He’s straight up the ladder, I don’t think I’ve seen anyone climb that fast and---Oh my God! Shining Wizard at the top of the ladder!!!

Crowd: Holy Shit! Holy Shit! Holy Shit!

Vinegar: That was a huge shot and both men crashed and burned coming back down to Earth.

Hanson: Again he doesn’t think about the consequences.

Vinegar: They don’t call him a Kamikaze for nothing and he looks hurt but Dredd’s on dream street and Ezekiel is pushing himself back up.

Crowd: Peace! Peace! Peace! Peace! Peace!

Vinegar: The Red Eyed Wonder getting himself fired up, feeding off this crowd and he gets his foot on the ladder. He’s getting up, slowly but surely. Reaching up for the belts. He’s got them!

Ding! Ding!

Dennis: Here are your winners and first ever GIW Tag Team Champions! Marek Daisuke and Ezekiel Pax! War and Peace!

Vinegar: They did it, and they did it in style, white wash victory by those guys and look at them.

Ezekiel Pax climbs down the ladder again as Marek slowly gets up. He gives his partner his belt and the two celebrate in the ring. Before long Ezekiel has climbed out of the ring and done a crowd dive off the security barriers, a group of fans catching him and holding him up. Marek looks on, unsure before following his partner in. The two of them are seen floating about in a sea of fans as the camera cuts backstage.

War & Peace: 9
American Muscle: -4 (I think that’s a record)

[Lord Hastings]

The Globatron now shows Declan and Cara Prescott - dressed in matching, overpriced, white and grey suits - making their way down a backstage hall of the GIW arena, causing the building to instantly fill with jeers. Declan has a gym bag over each shoulder - one ice blue and one metallic pink - and Cara has a morbidly obese rooster sitting atop her head, which seems to be causing her great difficulty moving. They soon arrive at a door marked ‘Gabrielle Maddison Montgomery’.

Declan: Here we are.

Cara: Umm… I don’t think we should go in there, sweetie…

Declan: Trust me, it’s fine.

Cara: But the sign says Ga -

With one brief flick of The Significant Player’s wrist, the sign branding the Women’s Champion’s name is brushed to the floor. Declan smiles reassuringly, takes Cara by the hand and leads her into the seemingly deserted locker room.

Declan: See, nothing to worry about. Now lets get ready.

He drops both bags on the room’s leather couch and then zips the blue one open. He begins pulling out a pair of black tights, when a shrill scream emanates from the back of the room. Gabrielle has emerged from the room’s personal bathroom, dripping with steaming hot water and covered only by a towel.

Declan: Wow…

Cara backhands him hard on the chest, before the three stare off at each other in awkward silence. Several moments pass.

Gabrielle: GET OUT!

Declan: We’ll just be a minute. Gotta get into our wrestling gear, you know? And the idea of sharing a dressing room with Savana is enough to give anyone nightmares. Surely you understand?

Gabrielle: Wrestling gear?! Cara doesn’t even have a match! AND WHAT IS THAT THING SITTING ON HER HEAD?!

Declan: That thing has a name, you know? He’s Andre and we love him like a son! So you better show some respect, you hear?!

Gabrielle: That doesn’t explain why it’s on her head! No, it doesn’t even matter! Just get out of here right now! I earned this private room when I became Women’s Champion and I have a match to prepare for!

Declan: Yeah, but if you wanna earn the right to keep it, you’ll have to fight me for it. And we both know how that went during our last encounter…

Gabrielle: Well then!

The Diamond Princess angrily marches to the table in the room and picks up her cell phone. After a few seconds of irritable button mashing, she holds the device to her head.

Gabrielle: Hello? Yes, Boss P? Declan and Cara are in my locker room and are refusing to leave. I need you to come over and -

Declan: OKAY, WE’RE GOING! WE’RE GOING!

Cara, who is now sweating profusely and out of breath at the strain of carrying Andre, seems to be in her own universe as she stares blankly, pointing at a corner of the room. Declan and Gab both turn to see what has drawn her attention. Gab gasps in horror and Declan only makes an odd gurgling sound.

Declan: …

Cara: …

Andre: Word…

Gabrielle: I have no idea how that got there!

Sitting in the corner of the room, is the all too familiar sight of a cardboard cut-out Cara Prescott, with Declan Prescott’s face attached.

Declan: This is… urgh…

Cara: Repulsive?

Declan: Bingo.

Gabrielle: Wait! I thought I heard Calypso’s stoned out voice, while I was in the shower. She must have come in and planted it to get to me!

Declan: So you’re saying Calypso Desmona framed you by placing the demonic love child of DJ and his internet connection in your locker room?

Gabrielle: Don’t patronise me! Why the hell would I want this demented thing anyway? It’s going to give me nightmares just looking at it!

: THE SIGNIFICANT PLAYER!!!

The trio turn to see the freshly arrived Donovan Hastings enter the room. Declan extends his hand for The Immortal to shake, but Hastings walks right past him, seemingly not even noticing The Heart And Soul Of GIW’s presence. The Lord Of Pain picks up the cut-out, smiling broadly.

Hastings: I’ve been looking everywhere for you! Now lets get out of here.

Hastings turns to leave the scene, when Gabrielle steps in his path.

Gabrielle: What the hell are you doing?!

Hastings: Look, sorry if I’m interrupting, but I need Declan’s help, okay? He’s gonna be the referee for my Peterson REALLY Sucks Match tonight! Gotta run him through the rules before game time.

He now turns his attention back to the cut-out.

Hastings: Come on, we’ve got work to do.

The original trio stare on in horror, as Hastings leaves the room, energetically whistling the tune of ‘Immortal’. Suddenly, another voice is heard from down the hallway.

“COME ON, HOMEYS! NIGGAS GIVIN’ MY WOMEN’S CHAMP SHIT! WE GOTTA SHOW ‘EM DAT YA DON’T FUCK WID THE HOES IN MY GHETTO!!!”

Both Declan’s and Cara’s eyes widen in alarm. Declan throws Cara over his shoulder, who is clinging desperately to Andre, picks up the gym bags and flees the room at top speed. Gabrielle notices the camera man still focused solely on her, sneers with distain and throws her phone at him. The camera cuts to static on contact.

As the signal returns, we are back inside the arena area. Soulfly's "Warmageddon" sneaks into existence over the p.a. and then explodes to life as a macabre, dark purple light fills the arena with a sinister and misty disdain as Raenius, walks out slowly, proudly wearing his uCw Kings of Hardcore t-shirt, clearly showing it's print saying 'We Bleed For You' for the world to see.

Dennis: The following match is scheduled for one fall! Introducing first, from Northern, Ireland and weighing 252 pounds… RRRRRRRRRAENIUS!!!!

He stalks bestially down the isle emanating hatred before he jumps up onto the apron, knee-first, and pulls himself upright using the ropes. He stands, looking out at the crowd for a few seconds before entering the ring.

Hanson: What the hell is uCw?

Vinegar: The old promotion Raenius was in. He and Bryan have history from uCw, I believe. Though the shirt seems to be offending these GIW fans…

Hanson: Ah, the beating this guy is gonna give Xavier will probably offend them a lot more.

Vinegar: Well War & Peace dominated the likes of… of whoever those guys they beat are, I can’t remember their names. We’ll see if their manager, who is stepping out of retirement here tonight, will put on a similar show.

Some generic rock music hits, as Xavier Bryan enters the arena area. He is met with a chorus of cheers, before marching down the ramp.

Dennis: And the opponent, residing in Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania and weighing 260 pounds, The Billion-Dollar Badass… XAAAAAAAVIER BRRRRRRRYAN!!!!

Vinegar: Bryan wasting no time! He rushes down the ramp and slides in the ring! Bell has rung and these two men are smacking the crap out of each other already!! Bryan sends Raenius reeling into the corner with a big fist! Xavier climbing to the second rope and bashing the crap outta Raenius with the ten punches! Five! Six! Seven! Eight! Nine! And now the big one - NO! Raenius grabs him by the throat AND CHOKE SLAMS HIM OVER THE ROPES AND THUNDERING INTO THE RING STEPS!!!

Hanson: DAMN! That’s what?! Thirty seconds into the match and Bryan just got crippled?! Lets call this one in, folks. The match lasted less time than DJ’s latest retirement.

Vinegar: And East is counting against Bryan here. She’s to three! But now Raenius climbing out of the ring and going after his opponent! He pulls Bryan up, as East is forced to restart her count. SLAM! Xavier sent face first into the safety barrier! Raenius looking to slam him again, but The Billion-Dollar Badass gets his hands up and blocks it! Now a stiff kick to Raenius’ midsection and he whips his opponent right at our announce table!!

Hanson: MOVE NICK!

Vinegar: My broadcast partner and I just managed to get out of the way, before Raenius went tumbling over the table and crashing into our seats. And Daniel, why the hell is there a copy of Playboy underneath your chair?!

Hanson: I need something to do when Mikey B. Badd’s bout comes up and I’m sure as hell not going to watch the match!

Vinegar: Bryan quickly sliding in and out of the ring to break the count and then climbing over our table and pulling Raenius up. SUPLEX OFF THE TABLE AND SMASHES RAENIUS TO THE FLOOR!!!

Hanson: But Bryan is too dazed after that big choke slam to follow up. He’s just sprawled out uselessly on our announce table.

Vinegar: Well this match has certainly gone to the extreme in only the first couple of minutes! But now both men are starting to stir, as Hazel reaches a count of six. Raenius rolling back into the ring and Bryan slumping off our table. He’s staggering back to the squared circle, as East reaches eight! But he’s in with time to spare. BUT RAENIUS WITH THE FULL FRONTAL! NO! BRYAN SIDESTEPS AND RAENIUS GOES HEAD FIRST RIGHT INTO THAT METAL RING POST!!!

Hanson: OUCH! Raenius was moving fast and his skull just took that whole impact. I can’t imagine his mask gives much protection. But I’m not sure Xavier sidestepped. I think he just collapsed at a really convenient time!

Vinegar: You may be right, as both men are laid out here. But Bryan shaking the cobwebs from his head and pulling himself up on the ropes. He’s just waiting for the still downed Raenius to get up now, stalking his opponent like a true predator.

Hanson: And he might be looking to put this one away already, Nick!

Vinegar: I guess we’ll soon find out, as Raenius is back up. BRYAN WITH THE CHOKE’EM WITH STYLE!!! NO!!! RAENIUS DUCKS, BOUNCES OFF THE OPPOSITE ROPES AND ANNIHILATES XAVIER WITH THE FULL FRONTAL!!!! THAT BLASTED BRYAN ALL ACROSS THE RING!!! AND NOW RAENIUS WITH A COVER!!! ONE!!!! TWO!!!! THRE - NO!!! BRYAN CLOSE ENOUGH TO THE ROPES TO GRAB THE BOTTOM ONE WITH HIS HAND!!!

Hanson: That was really lucky for Bryan! No way was he gonna be able to kick out of that! But Raenius bashing the mat with his fists, clearly not happy. He’s pulling Bryan up with evil intentions.

Vinegar: RAENIUS LOOKING TO CRUSH HIS OPPONENT WITH THE RIPPERSNAPPER!!! NO!!! BRYAN PUSHES HIS OPPONENT INTO THE ROPES AND CONNECTS WITH THE CHOKE’EM WITH STYLE ON THE REBOUND!!! HE COVERS!!! ONE!!! TWO!!!! THRE - ARGH!!!! RAENIUS KICKS OUT SOMEHOW!!!!

Hanson: WHAT?! This Raenius is bad ass! I didn’t think he had any chance of kicking out of that!

Vinegar: And Xavier is still hurting from that crushing spear he took moments ago. But he’s fighting through the pain and struggling towards the corner. He’s pulling himself up to the top rope!

Hanson: Raenius getting back up, shaking his head groggily and Bryan is measuring him!

Vinegar: LEAPS FROM THE TOP ROPE AND LOOKS FOR THE CHOKE’EM WITH STYLE!!!! IF HE HITS THIS IT’S ALL OVER!!!! BRYAN CONNECTS!!!! AND THE COVER!!!! ONE!!! TWO!!! THREE!!!!!! XAVIER BRYAN WINS!!!!

Dennis: Ladies and gentlemen, your winner via pinfall, XAAAAAAVIER BRRRRRRRRRRYAN!!!!

Hanson: Well it didn’t last long, but boy, was it intense?!

Vinegar: Absolutely! Hard hitting, fast paced, relentless action from these two. But tonight it’s Bryan who takes home the victory. Certainly an exceptional night for War & Peace. Tag Team gold and their manager won what may be his final ever match. I don’t think they could ask for more.

Xavier Bryan: 6

Raenius: 1

[Lord Hastings]

With the majority of the arena lights save for one solitary spotlight flicking off as ‘Rooster’ by Alice In Chains announces the impending arrival of Mikey B. Badd.

Hanson: A blindfold match, is this for real?

Vinegar: I believe it is, Dan.

Hanson: Well the least this ass could do, being involved in such a match is hurry his ass down to the ring.

Vinegar: I thought you’d root for someone like Stud Roosters antics?

Hanson: Root for a rooster? You’re a sick bastard Nick.

As the announcers have alluded to Mikey is taking his time to get down to the ring draped in his heavily sequined red robe, well it used to be red it’s a shade of pink now as obviously someone had used too much laundry detergent on it.

Hanson: And that’s why you always leave it to a woman to do your laundry!!

Vinegar: Don’t you do Gabrielle’s laundry?

Hanson: Yeah but I ‘do’ Gabrielle as well.

Badd is oblivious to the crowd's jeers as he makes his way to the ring, waving and offering handshakes to fans that are never accepted. He climbs up onto the apron, avoiding the stairs, wipes his feet on the apron and steps into the ring where the house lights come back up.

Dennis: Ladies & Gentlemen, this is a no DQ blindfold match! From possibly a farm somewhere in Memphis, he weighs in at 254 lbs. MIKEY BEEEEEEEEEEEE. BAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAADD

Badd disrobes and tosses the garment at Mitchell Dennis who he has seemingly mistaken for the proper official to handle it. He prods a finger into his chest, warning him severely to not drop his once precious robe before retreating to the corner to await his opponent. Dennis meanwhile has casually tossed the robe over the top rope and into the sea of GIW fans.

Aragato’s entrance music begins playing out as he walks out atop the stage crouching down almost as if he’s stalking Mikey. He makes his way down to the ring his hands running over the 21 kendo sticks hanging from his belt as he climbs the turnbuckle and jumps into the ring laying his belt out in the corner

Dennis: And his opponent tonight weighing in at 210 pounds ‘MR. DEATHMATCH’ ARAAAAGATOOOOOOOO

Vinegar: Both these guys are now face to face, as Nicolas Cage produces the blindfolds. Mikey seems reluctant to wear it though.

Hanson: Did Cage just threaten to go ‘Ghost Rider’ on his ass?

Vinegar: Well if he did it worked because Mikey’s putting that blindfold on and now its Aragato’s turn.

Hanson: Aragato though I think is telling Cage that he can’t see through his paint job anyway……………..and Cage is falling for it!! And Mikey has no idea.

Vinegar: Mikey’s now slowly walking around the ring bumping into the ropes as Cage and Aragato stand side by side laughing it up. Mr. Deathmatch though not wanting to give up his ‘vision’ quickly stops laughing and walks into Cage.

Hanson: He’s faking it!!

Vinegar: Aragato can’t help himself though he’s stalking Mikey until Cage steps in, I think he’s cracking on to the fact that Aragato can see.

Hanson: Mr. Deathmatch though flailing his arms about until he touches Cage and puts him in a headlock.

Aragato: Haha got ya B. Badd (mind you we cant actually understand what he’s saying).

Vinegar: Cage though pushes him off and right into B. Badd and here’s the first pin attempt of the match

Cage: 1-2-3/4

Vinegar: That was a close one.

Hanson: Aragato though quickly up to his feet and takes B. Badd down with a roundhouse kick.

Vinegar: Cage stepping in though and now clamping a blindfold around the eyes of Aragato.

Hanson: What the hell?! Is that McSkinny?

Vinegar: I believe it is and Nicolas Cage sees him coming jumping out of the ring and trying to restrain Brandon.

Hanson: Trying too!?!?!? Cage is doing so with ease.

Vinegar: Look though in the ring Aragato has removed that blindfold and is strapping that harness back on as he sizes Badd up. Jesus Christ he’s quick when he wants too be!

Crowd: 1-2-3-4-5-6-7-8-9-10-11-12-13-14-15-16-17-18-19-20

Vinegar: B. Badd’s out of it though he’s still on his feet.

Hanson: What an underhanded tactic, he just tripped Mikey up, sending him down to his knees.

Vinegar: And here it is the 21st death, that samurai like strike with Aragato’s favourite kendo stick.

Hanson: And there’s rooster blood everywhere!!

Vinegar: Cage though shoves Brandon to the ground with relative ease before sliding back into the ring and getting in Aragato’s face about all the broken kendo sticks..

Hanson: But haha look at McSkinny on the outside he seems ‘angry’?

Vinegar: And he rushes into the ring punting Cage in the testicles with a dick kick.

Hanson: The Revolution must be so happy backstage.

Vinegar: And now yanking on the hair of Aragato as he pulls him to the ground and bites his face??

Hanson: Haha oh god, please stop. Brandon’s rolling around on the ground clutching at his own teeth, Nic Cage is crying in the corner, Aragato looks constipated as he gets to his feet and Mikey seems to be spasming in the corner.

Vinegar: Aragato now pulling McSkinny up to his feet only for Brandon to unleash the doodle claw as Aragato tries to jiggle himself free.

Hanson: Not a smart move my man……………..and that’s why.

Vinegar: Arargato just dropped to the ground writhing in agony as Brandon gets up grinning as he walks over to Mikey and proceeds to lay in several boots to his ‘little rooster’. Brandon now running around the ring in a celebratory fashion before he trips over the bottom rope and tumbles out of the ring.

Hanson: So Cage is down, B. Badd is down, Aragato is down and McSkinny is down. Time for Dan Dawg to save the day……..

Daniel Hanson gets up to his feet and slides into the ring before being cut off by the sound of Boss P’s Tommy gun firing rapidly as the fat little flightless bird/boss of GIW waddles his way atop the entranceway.

Boss P: WHAT THA FUCK IZ THIS SHI-ZIT DOGS?! THE GIW FANS PAID FOR A NIGHT FULL OF DOGS, BITCHES AND HOES GOING AT IT IN AN ORGY OF VIOLENCE AND DOWN HOME DIRRTY STYLE LOVIN. NUN OF THIS SHIT ERE, SOMEBODY CLEAN UP THESE FOOLS AND BRING ON DA NEXT MATCH. BOSS P OUT!

Aragato: Who really gives a fuck?

Mikey B. Badd: More than he deserves, no doubt.

[Lord Hastings]

Dennis: Ladies and Gentlemen the following contest is the Boss P on a Pole…

Hanson: Quick someone get Mitchell his glasses! Jesus he can’t even read from a cue card anymore.

Vinegar: Folks Mitchell doesn’t look too happy about something as he’s conferring with both Hazel East and Glenn Burke, the officials for the first ever Boss P on a Pole Money in the Bank match.

Hanson: Whoa, Mitchell looks to be getting kinda hot under the collar, he just threw his cards out of the ring.

Dennis: Folks I will not introduce some kind of fucked up match. I am a professional damnit, and Peterson Sucks or Skewered Penguin matches are ridiculous.

Vinegar: Hazel now looks like she’s trying to talk some sense in Mitchell.

Hanson: Screw this, screw him! This is the GIW motherfucker, this is how it is, and if you don’t love it then you’re fucked!

Dennis: Folks this is Sean Cyanide.

A major blast of pyro explodes from the stage, and Vengeance is Mine by Alice Cooper rips over the speakers. The Mad Hatter of Violence slowly walks out holding the Book of Cyanide and with his trench coat drenched in what looks like blood. He slides into the ring and sets the book in the middle of the ring and hops on a turn buckle and raises his arms slowly and begins chanting out passages from the book. While some fans boo, some cheer, and some sit silent.

Hanson: Nick, you got anything?

Vinegar: Drawing a blank, Dan. Still trying to picture how an ‘on a pole’ match works without a pole set up.

Hanson: Well if yo momma taught me anything it’s that just cause you can’t see the pole doesn’t mean it’s not in her cooch.

Vinegar: You know one day I’m going to…

Dennis: This is Solomon.

A loud chorus of angelic hymns and monastery chanting creep over the PA system cutting off Vinegar. Slowly without interruption from the crowd Solomon slowly walks out with his head down and his hood hiding his face. Sean Cyanide stares evilly at the holy man.

Hanson: You were saying?

Vinegar: I was saying that one day, one day soon, you’re going to push me too far and I just hope for your sake that your insur…

Dennis: This is Andy Savana.

Bullet With Butterfly Wings by Smashing Pumpkins hits the stereo and Andy Savana walks out to slightly more fan reaction. He stretches on the ramp before turning and twisting his neck in 180 motion, followed a quick shrug of the shoulders. Savana makes his way towards the ring, while Cyanide and Solomon begin a religious debate. Finally, Andy gets into the ring, and runs his hand through his hair for the crowd.

Hanson: Sorry, before you were so rudely interrupted?

Vinegar: Yes! I was saying you had better hope your insurance is paid up, because…

Dennis: And finally, thanks god, this is Diamond Jack Severino.

Diamond in the Rough by Airbourne begins as the arena lights dim highlighting a few lone gold spotlights scanning the crowd. After a few seconds the lights converge on the entrance ramp as Jack Severino is seen in a reverse Jesus pose. As the music continues he spins on his heels, smirking, and makes his way to the ring to join the other three.

Hanson: It is, and thank you, buddy. In today’s economical climate one can never have enough insurance. What would become of yo momma if I suddenly couldn’t afford to keep her supplied with Dutch apple cheese cake? See proper health insurance isn’t just for you, it’s for the ones that suck your dick.

Vinegar: This is the GIW? A fucking penguin, an announcer who hates his job, and a colour man who can’t help but bitch it up on air? Bullsh…

*BANG BANG BANG*

Hanson: Won’t you ever shut up? There’s about to be important knowledge dropped on us, by the boss.

Boss P: NOW I’M SHOW ALL YO NIGGAS IN THAT RING, AND IN THAT STANDS, AND IN THAT BOOTH WANNA KNOW WHAT A BOSS P ON A POLE MONEY IN DA BANK MATCH IS! ESPECIALLY YOU, YOU LITTLE CUNT BITCH, MITCHELL DENNIS. JUST LIKE I’MS SHOW YO’ALL NOTICED THAT THEY AINT NO POLE SET UP.

SEE LET ME EXPLAIN, MOTHAS AND MOTHAFUCKAS. BOSS P IS GONNA BE ON A POLE, AND YOU NIGGAS IN DA RING IS GONN HAVE TO CATCH BOSS P, BUT LET ME INTRODUCE MY POLE TO YO BITCHASSES.

Some unfamiliar rap music begins blasting over the audio system, and an absolutely massive extremely chiselled man marches from behind the curtain wearing bandoleers of bean bags, and carrying what looks like a bazooka. The massive man walks up to Boss Penguin, hoists him up onto his shoulders, and hands him the bazooka.

Vinegar: Oh for fucks sake.

Hanson: Wait I know this guy! That’s McZygmunt Cubed! McZygmunt Cubed is in the Impact Arena!!!

Boss P: SEE HERE BITCHES! THIS BE BOSS P’S POLISH BODYBUILDER AND PERSONAL FAVOURITE MUSICIAN MCZYGMUNT CUBED! KNOW THA NAME MOTHERFUCKERS, CAUSE HE’S DA ONE MAKING SHOW NONE OF YO BITCHASS LIMPDICKS GET ANYWHERES NEAR BOSS P. NOW I’LL STAY IN DA ARENA, YOU CATCH ME, YOU WIN DAT MONEY IN DA BANK!

Hanson: HA HA look no one knows what to do! Even these fans are in aw of the sheer brilliance of Boss P!

Vinegar: Fuck this. Maybe Mitchell has the right idea. I need to take a dump.

Hanson: What!?! Unbelievable, bitches and bitch asses my partner just walked out of the booth!

Boss P: WHAT THE FUCK MOTHAFUCKAS? YOU’S WAITIN’ FO AN INVITATION? COME GET ME BITCHES!!!

Hanson: Well I’m all alone, and it looks like the action is finally underway! Savana and Solomon just exited the ring and are running up the ramp! Cyanide tries to follow, but is caught by Diamond ‘Daniel spend all week with the love of my life’ Jack Severino, RISE OF BRUTALITY!! Folks Severino just hoisted up Cyanide and dropped him spine first over the ring post! Fucking insane!

Shit I almost forgot about Solomon and Savana. Well Solomon is getting pelted by Boss P’s bazooka bean bags, and McZygmunt Cubed is just standing there letting Boss P rain down on these guys! Severino out of the ring now, and he’s got a chair.

Savana tries to run past Solomon, but the holy ghost grabs his foot, and has tripped that lunatic. Now Boss P is just taking target practice at Andy and Solomon as they start exchanging rights and lefts both now on their feet. Fucking Nick, you know this aint the first time he’s left me to do his job. That’s why I gets more monies than that little old school bitch. I mean… wait DJS using that chair as a shield and Boss P’s beanbags are bouncing right off as Severino makes his way up the ramp.

I’ll give it to him, that’s pretty smart, but Solomon and Savana see this, and they’re hiding behind ‘Mr. I’m too jealous to keep Gabby so Dan gets to spend all week in her hotel room’. Boss P instructing McZygmunt to back up now, and Savana just like the crazy moron he is clips DJS behind the knee.

Severino down to his knee, and that gives Boss P the chance to send his bazooka shot right into Solomon’s mouth. The monk is down, the monk is down, the monk… JESUS WHAT A VICIOUS CHAIR SHOT FROM SEVERINO. If Savana wasn’t loopy before he damn sure is now. Boss P now behind the curtain, and Severino just dropped that chair, and is pulling a bloodied Savana to his feet. Solomon back to his feet, and giving chase to Boss P while Savana and Severino duke it out.

Damnit we need a camera in the back to follow Boss P! Damnit I need a drink all this talking is making my throat hurt. Kinda like Nick’s momma. You know Vinegar isn’t even a real family name. Nick’s great great great grand momma used to have so many yeast infucktions that she always smelled like vinegar so the nick name just stuck. Whoa huge sit down jaw breaker from Savana, and now he’s mounting DJS with rights and lefts!

Severino powers Savana off of his chest, Andy up a step too slow and eats that bicycle kick from the Diamond in the Rough. DJS setting Savana up now and finally the Globaltron flickers on and what’s going on? Solomon is huddled in a corner, DJS and Savana stop fighting to watch, oh shit Boss P is just machine gun pumping those bazooka bean bags at Solomon. I think Solomon is getting ready to cry!

Oh that’s it DJS and Savana both run towards the back now, hopefully they’ll see Nick and tell him to get his prudy ass back out here and give a brother a hand. Look at that. This is great! I mean look at the joy Boss P is having at Solomon’s expense. This is wonderful, innovative, and brilliant. Who else besides my boss, Boss P, would put himself in such danger for the greatest fans on Earth? The GIW fans that is!

Ok, I lets see, back to the action. Well Boss P is still unloading his beanbags on Solomon, and I guess they’re in the GIW Arena kitchen. I guess. I don’t know though.

Vinegar: Yeah they’re in the kitchen.

Hanson: You’re back!

Vinegar: Do you know how bad you sound? I had to saveus.thefans from you’re horrible screechy voice.

Hanson: You think that’s horrible? Have you heard that bitch momma yo’s squeal?

Vinegar: That’s it, I’m gone.

Hanson: No, no, listen you know I love you. More than that stank ridden momma of yours anyway.

Vinegar: Just shut your mouth and call the damn match. They’re in the kitchen.

Hanson: Explains why I don’t know what that is. Kitchen is bitches place. Like yo mo…

Vinegar: Say it I’m leaving.

Hanson: Well Boss P in the kitchen now and there’s Severino and Savana finally caught up to the action.

Vinegar: Caught, and immediately Savana hit with a bean bag! As soon as he turned that corner he ate a beanbag!

Hanson: Well Severino now waiting behind that wall, taking cover as Boss P unloads his sacks all over Solomon and Savana.

Vinegar: Wait a minute, they stopped.

Hanson: What?

Vinegar: Boss P is out of ammo I think! He’s shooting blanks now!

Hanson: Savana the first to notice, and immediately to his feet sprints after McZygmunt!

Vinegar: Perfections Reflection trying to follow, but Solomon has him by the heel. DJS turns, what is that?

Hanson: Meat tenderizer metal hammer thingy right to the skull!

Vinegar: DJS now hammering away on Solomon with that hammer! Wait you don’t know what a kitchen is but you know…

Hanson: Yo momma’s titties are kinda tough! Had to soften them up!

Vinegar: What did I tell you…

Hanson: OH MAN, then a brutal stomp to the back of an unconscious Solomon’s skull. I think he’s out of it.

Vinegar: And Severino running after Savana and Boss P, and after the show I think I’m gonna kick your ass.

Hanson: Give it a shot fat man.

Vinegar: Later, now DJS running through the kitchen, is that?

Hanson: No it couldn’t be.

Severino: Out of my way you fucking waste of time!

Vinegar: It was! Garth Gaffney was in the GIW kitchen!

Hanson: Well it looks like he’s going to be going to the hospital after Severino just threw him into that deep fat fryer… again!

Vinegar: Wait listen to the screams, I think that was Ricker! Not Double G, that was Ric Ricker!

Hanson: What’s it matter? They were both wastes of time.

Vinegar: DJS out of the kitchen now, and look at him looking around. Which way does he go?

Hanson: Anyway away from Gabby. Did you know two weeks ago I spent all week in her room with her!?! It was magical!

Vinegar: I’m sure it was in your mind, there he goes. I think he heard some screaming and he’s following it!

Hanson: Yeah, my kind of guy, following that screaming right into the women’s dressing room!

Vinegar: Well hate to burst your bubble, but it looks empty.

Hanson: Damnit. That’s why! It’s that little retard Midget Chris Austin! He must have chased away all the females with his disgusting perverse nature!

Vinegar: Meat tenderizer to the teat aint that bad, but public midget sex is perverse?

Hanson: No, midgets are perverse and that one is screaming in agony! Savana has him in Savana’s Chamber of Pain!

Savana: That damn penguin ride threw him at me after that bird fish nailed me with his bazooka!

Severino: Sucks to be you.

Savana: He ran that way, go get him. Towards the loading docks.

Boss P: MCZYGMUNT, FIRE MY NIGGA!!

Vinegar: Wait he was in the shower! Boss P was in the women’s shower!

Hanson: Any wonder why he’s such a hero? That’s Joka!

Vinegar: What in the hell was Charlie White doing in the women’s shower?

Hanson: Waiting to be thrown out I’d guess.

Vinegar: McZygmunt just chucked Joka White at DJS, DJS catches him, and swings him like a sledgehammer into Savana’s face! What the fuck kind of match is this?

Hanson: Hey, why so serious? HA HA HA I love stealing from blockbusters!

Vinegar: DJS drops the now knocked out, not that there’s much of a difference, Joka and is heading into the shower after Boss P!

Hanson: I can’t believe it. Did Boss P just make a mistake? How’s he going to get out of the shower?

Vinegar: DJS turns that corner, it’s MARLO!

Hanson: Marlo’s no woman!

Vinegar: Well whatever ‘it’ is ‘its’ staring down Jack Severino as Boss P takes a spot behind McZygmunt against the tile walls.

Hanson: Jesus, wont ‘it’ learn to keep away from GIW talent? They’re a violent breed who like violent things, and I don’t think Marlo enjoyed that One Calculated Shot onto the hard cold tile floor!

Vinegar: Well I don’t think I really care what ‘it’ enjoyed. ‘It’ was just one more pathetic roster member who thought the GIW would be easy pickins then quickly realized they were outclassed!

Hanson: Yeah, who’s next? Jack Ryans? Colonial Van Horne? Deathman?

Vinegar: I think DJS thinks McZygmunt is next! Those two goliaths squaring off, that was easy.

Hanson: Fuck, DJS is motivated tonight! Short arm clothes line, into curb stomp right into Marlo’s, uhm, what’s ‘it’ got?

Vinegar: Both I would assume.

Hanson: Well either way, right into Marlo’s neither region, and now it’s just Boss P and DJS.

Vinegar: Hazel and Burke are ready.

Boss P: DAMN NIGGA YOU WIN! I KNOW A WINNER WHEN I SEE ONE, AND YOU’S A WINNER MY NIGGA. BOSS P, GON’ HAVE TO WATCH YOU.

Hanson: Hey, you think Mitchell is gonna call the winner?

Vinegar: I doubt it. I think it’s best if everyone that sat there and read this match would just as soon as forget it. Please for the love of god forget this kind of brutal display, folks.

Hanson: Forget it?!? This was great!

Vinegar: Yeah, ok. Diamond Jack Severino is the winner of the first ever Boss P on a Polish Rapping Body Builder Money in the Bank match folks!

Hanson: Love it! Peterson REALLY Sucks match is next!

Vinegar: You’ve got to be fucking kidding me.

Jack Severino: 9

Andy Savana: -2

Sean Cyanide: -2

Solomon: -2

[Lord Hastings]

Vinegar: This next match is the match between the Lord Donovan Hastings and GIW Referee Owen Peterson.

Hanson: It’s called a Peterson REALLY Sucks Match!

Vinegar: Peterson is already in the ring, he’s looking awfully nervous.

Hanson: He should be! He’s finally going to get what’s coming to him.

“Immortal” begins playing to loud jeers from the crowd. Donovan Hastings wears a dark cloak to the ring, and he is carrying the cardboard cut-out of Cara Prescott with Declan’s face taped to it. He has an almost regal aura to him, impressive for a man carrying around cardboard.

Dennis: Ladies and gentlemen, this is your Peterson REALLY Sucks Match… and now, from Hartford, Connecticut and weighing 230 pounds, The Immortal Lord Of Pain… DONOVAAAAAAAAAAAAN HAAAAAAAAAAASTINGS!!!

Vinegar: Declan and Cara found that cut-out in Gabrielle’s locker room earlier, Lord Hastings took it from them and is bringing it now to the ring.

Hanson: Because it’s the referee!

Vinegar: Hastings claims that the rules of a Peterson Sucks Match -

Hanson: Peterson REALLY Sucks Match.

Vinegar: Right, that the rules dictate that he can select the referee and he has chosen this piece of cardboard as the referee.

Hanson: Of course! It makes perfect sense.

Vinegar: Why?

Hanson: Because Peterson sucks.

Vinegar: Of course. Calypso has followed Hastings to ringside and Hastings himself is coming over here…and…handing you…a piece of paper.

Hanson: It’s the full list of the rules to a Peterson REALLY Sucks Match!

Vinegar: Can I see that?

Hanson: No! It’s very official.

Vinegar: It looks like a napkin that he wrote on in crayon on his way out here. In any case, Hastings is now propping up the cardboard in the corner, and that is beyond creepy to look at.

Hanson: Let’s not disrespect the authority of the Caralan.

Vinegar: Caralan?

Hanson: Declara?

DING!

Vinegar: I’m not sure who called for the bell, but this match is underway and Hastings is taunting Peterson, that’s unnecessary and disrespectful.

Hanson: Why do you think that’s disrespectful?

Vinegar: He’s mooning Peterson, and by the look on Peterson’s face he passed gas.

Hanson: The proper term is breaking wind.

Vinegar: In any case, Hastings is now slapping Peterson in the face.

Hanson: He’s paying for the sins of his actions over these past few months!

Vinegar: Peterson is pleading with him to stop, but Hastings won’t listen, and that last slap knocked Peterson completely off his feet!

Hanson: He’s fallen much like the fall from grace that Lord Hastings had to endure at his hands!

Vinegar: Peterson is trying to get up and Hastings kicks him right back down!

Hanson: Maybe he’ll cry like the bitch he is!

Vinegar: Peterson really hasn’t done anything to deserve all this and now Hastings is waving at him to get up. Peterson is getting to his feet, and another slap to the face by Hastings, but Owen has had enough, he just shoved Hastings hard in the chest!

Hanson: How dare he lay a hand on the Immortal One!

Vinegar: Right, this isn’t a wrestling match or anything. Hastings fell into the cardboard, he knocked it over!

Hanson: The referee is down! Declara!

Vinegar: Hastings is glaring at Peterson, but now he’s setting the cut-out back up, but Peterson just school boyed him down! The cardboard has fallen back over! Peterson grabs the hand of the cardboard with his own hand, and he’s using it to count the fall!

Hanson: Kick out my Lord!

Vinegar: Hastings is completely caught off guard! Peterson has the cover! ONE!!!! TWO!!!! THREE!!!!

Hanson: I can’t believe it!

Vinegar: Owen Peterson has defeated Donovan Hastings!

Hanson: No he hasn’t!

Vinegar: How do you figure?

Hanson: Because Rule #5 of a Peterson REALLY Sucks Match is that the match is two out of three falls!

Vinegar: How do you know?

Hanson: It’s written right here on this nap—on the official rules.

Vinegar: Peterson is leaving the ring, but Calypso is standing at the bottom of the ramp and she is pointing back to the ring!

Hanson: Well, he’s got to come back or he’ll be counted out!

Vinegar: Hastings rolls out of the ring, he really looks pissed, and he grabs Peterson and shoves him right into the steel steps! Hastings pushes Peterson back into the ring and he comes in and kicks Peterson right in the back!

Hanson: He can’t afford to lose this second fall, he has to make sure Peterson is down and stays down!

Vinegar: That’s probably assured at this point, but Hastings is going for the exclamation point, HE LIFTS PETERSON RIGHT INTO DESTINY’S CALL!!!!

Hanson: This match itself was his destiny! Peterson deserves every second of this!

Vinegar: Hastings is coming out of the ring now, what is he doing?

Hanson: He just wants to get a glimpse of what a fan would see.

Vinegar: Hastings is bringing a steel chair into the ring, he doesn’t have to do this! Peterson isn’t a wrestler, the man has a family, HASTINGS JUST SMACKED PETERSON WITH THE STEEL CHAIR!

Hanson: Beat some sense into him! That’s how it’s done!

Vinegar: And that should end the match, second fall to Peterson! Hastings should be disqualified!

Hanson: Nuh-uh! Rule #3 of a Peterson REALLY Sucks Match is that there are no disqualifications!

Vinegar: Hastings goes to cover Peterson, but the cardboard is gone!

Hanson: Caralan escaped!

Vinegar: Calypso has the cardboard cut-out and she is handing it to some fans in the crowd, Hastings doesn’t look happy about it, and he is coming this way! Hastings is taking a pen out of my pocket, and he is crossing something off on the napkin!

Hastings: IT WAS A TYPO.

Vinegar: Hastings headed back into the ring now and I don’t think I needed to be yelled at.

Hanson: You probably didn’t need to narrate what he was doing when he was reaching in your own pocket.

Vinegar: I’d just as soon forget it happened, meanwhile Hastings has pulled Peterson out of the ring and Hastings is back in. What did he cross off the napkin?

Hanson: Nothing, don’t worry about it.

Vinegar: Hastings is now counting, he is counting to ten! ONE!! TWO!! THREE!! FOUR!! FIVE!! SIX!!! SEVEN!!! EIGHT!!! NINE!!! TEN!!!!

Hanson: Peterson is counted out! That ties the match at one fall apiece!

Vinegar: Oh, so there are no disqualifications, but you can be counted out? And why is Hastings allowed to do it?

Hanson: Rule #4 of a Peterson REALLY Sucks Match is that in the absence of the selected referee, Lord Hastings can determine that a participant is counted out.

Vinegar: And what did the original Rule #4 say?

Hanson: I can’t tell, it’s crossed out.

Vinegar: You didn’t read it before?

Hanson: I choose to forget. It was a typo, anyway.

Vinegar: Hastings has put Peterson back in the ring, and a steel cage is lowering around the ring! What is this all about?

Hanson: Rule #8 of a Peterson REALLY Sucks Match is that if a third fall is necessary, it will be fought inside a steel cage!

Vinegar: This isn’t right! The cage has lowered around the ring and Peterson looks terrified!

Hanson: He’s lucky he can still emote, with the beating he has taken!

Vinegar: Hastings is picking Peterson up and he hurls him right into the cage wall! Hastings picks him back up and he walks him across the ring and hurls him into the other wall! You’ve made your point, Hastings, just end it!

Hanson: He can’t hear you.

Vinegar: Hastings is slapping Peterson on the head, he’s trying to wake him up and now Hastings is telling Peterson to climb the cage! Peterson looks surprised, and Hastings sits down on the mat and is telling him again to go ahead and leave!

Hanson: The Lord Hastings is merciful!

Vinegar: Hastings gets up and helps Peterson to the wall, and he sits back down as Peterson starts to climb. Peterson is climbing slowly, but Hastings is back up and he grabs Peterson and PULLS HIM RIGHT OFF THE CAGE WALL INTO INEVITABILITY!

Hanson: He truly is the Lord of Pain!

Vinegar: Hastings is laughing now and he is climbing the cage wall himself! Hastings is finally going to end this as he is climbing the cage wall, over the top, but Calypso is opening the cage door!

Hanson: She’s making sure Peterson doesn’t stop him!

Vinegar: No she isn’t! CALYPSO IS PULLING PETERSON OUT THE CAGE DOOR!!! Hastings drops to the ground, but Peterson is already on the ground before him! Owen Peterson has won this match!

Dennis: And the winner of the match, OWEEENNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN PETERSONNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN!

Vinegar: Calypso cost Hastings the match! Peterson has beaten him!

Hanson: That bitch!

Vinegar: Hastings can’t believe it and Calypso is walking up the ramp without him! She’s walking out on him!

[Lord Hastings]

The lights cut to black and red and white strobe lights alternate in beat with the rapid music as “Cyanide Sweet Tooth Suicide” Starts to play. Chassie Fear walks swiftly onto the stage, looking at the people for a moment, then as the lyrics hit she descends the ramp, breaking into a run about halfway down.

Dennis: Ladies and gentlemen, the following contest is your GIW Women’s Championship match! Introducing the challenger, from Parts Unknown, The Dark Rose, CHAAAAAAAASSIER FEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAR!!!!

When she reaches the ring she jumps, grabbing the top rope and springing herself up, flipping in the air and landing on her feet. She runs to a random turnbuckle and plants her feet on the corners of the middle turnbuckle, throwing up the horns and head banging briefly. Then she calmly jumps down and begins to stretch, waiting for Gabrielle, with bloodlust in her eyes.

With the arena lights turning to colours of purple and gold Gabrielle walks out to the top of the entranceway, showing off the elegant dress she has on with a quick twirl before sauntering down to the ring.

Dennis: And the GIW WOMEN’S CHAMPION, from Auckland, New Zealand, The Diamond Princess, GABRRRRRRRRRRRIELLE MAAAAAAAAADDISON MONTGOMERRRRRRRRY!!!!

She climbs up onto the ring apron and orders Dennis to assist her; getting him to raise the middle ring rope for her as she enters between it and the bottom rope, proceeding to stand in the centre of the ring where she tussles her hair over her shoulders. She then hands the Title belt to Hazel East, before Fear, from nowhere, levels her with a spear!

Vinegar: Goodness, this match kicking off to an intense start, as Chass smashes Gab’s head against the canvas over and over! East getting rid of that belt to Hermit as quick as she can and then calling for the bell. This one is officially underway!

Hanson: Make her stop! She can’t do that to my Gab-cakes!

Vinegar: Well, that’s terrifying. These fans are eating it up though, as they ring out with their approval of this unmatched intensity from Chassie Fear. But Gabrielle has the height and weight advantage here and is able to take the upper hand and roll onto the top of Chass.

Hanson: Did you just call my baby, fat?! I’ll make you pay, Nick!

Vinegar: Not at all. Both these ladies stunning on the eyes, no doubt. And they can both get it done in the ring, as Gabrielle is showing right now, while she stomps the hell out of Fear’s face! Now waiting for The Dark Rose to get up and nails a quick dropkick to the skull! Chass goes right back down, clutching at the side of her head.

Hanson: Yeah! You can do it, Gabby! Then we’ll celebrate with a fully body massage!

Vinegar: Can someone shut off his mic? Now Gabrielle pulling at Chass’ hair and then stomping away at her. East warning against any such actions in the future, but The Diamond Princess totally ignores her. She’s smart enough to know she can’t lose her Title by disqualification. And now she’s pulling Fear up, but The Dark Rose connects with a stiff forearm and then plants the Women’s Champ with the code breaker!! Following up with a lionsault!! Incredible offence from the challenger, WHO HAS THE PIN! ONE! TWO! THRE - KICK OUT!!!

Hanson: Phew! Gonna take my than that to beat my Caramel Skinned Sexpot!

Vinegar: But Chass has a lot more left in her repertoire, make no mistake. After pulling Gabrielle up, she plants her back down with a one-legged backstabber!! Fear obviously trying to soften up Gab’s midsection to put her away with the Fearless.

Hanson: But my Gabby is the one who’s fearless! She’s already getting back up, as that old hillbilly woman climbs the turnbuckle!

Vinegar: That she is, but she’s clutching at her spine and seems to be winded. FEAR LOOKING FOR A FLYING TORNADO DDT!!! GABRIELLE MANAGES TO DUCK, BUT CHASS LANDS ON HER FEET!

Hanson: But she lands on her feet, only to taste Gabby’s feet! Awesome dropkick from that caramel skinned beauty!

Vinegar: I entirely agree, as Chass goes stumbling into the turnbuckle. As she comes out, Gabrielle jumps on the second ropes AND CONNECTS WITH A MIND BLOWING HURRICARANA!!!

Hanson: Aww yeah! And now she’s going to the top of the turnbuckle! MOONSAULT!!! THAT WAS A - ARGH!!!

Vinegar: Chass rolls out of the way and the Women’s Champ eats the canvas hard!!! Gab stunned here, as Chass rolls to her feet and hits a stiff kick into The Diamond Princess’ skull! Now pulling Gabby up and planting her with a vicious neck breaker! She’s attacking the head now, but I have to believe that was just to stun Gab long enough for what she’s got planned next! With the Champ laid out in the centre of the ring, Chassie is climbing to the top rope! CALLING FOR THE FEARLESS!!!

Hanson: NO! NO! NO!

Vinegar: But Gab climbing to her knees, with all the strength she has! SHAKING THE TOP ROPE AND CHASS GOES CRASHING NECK FIRST TO THE RING STEPS BELOW!!!

Hanson: Wow… she might be dead!

Vinegar: The ring steps certainly showing no love for the folks of uCw tonight. Chassie is hurting badly here, as East begins her ten count. But Gabrielle follows Fear out of the ring and is choking her against the ring steps!!

Hanson: Gab doesn’t wanna win this one by count out! Look, she’s rolling that backwards hick back into the ring. This is gonna be decided the old fashioned way, Nick!

Vinegar: I think Gabrielle just realises Fear is now easy pickings! She's got her set up in the centre of the canvas and blasts her with the GaBuster! Returning the favour from earlier in the match and Chassie isn’t moving at all here!

Hanson: Just another item on the long list of Gabby’s victims! She’s unstoppable, Nick!

Vinegar: You might be right. And Gabrielle pulling Chass up by the hair AND CALLING FOR THE 34 DOUBLE D DDT!!! BUT CHASS COUNTERS WITH A SIT OUT JAW BREAKER, FOLLOWED UP WITH A DROPKICK TO THE STOMACH AND SENDS THE CHAMP REELING INTO THE ROPES!!!

Hanson: WHAT?! SHE’S NOT EVEN MEANT TO BE ABLE TO STAND, LET ALONE FIGHT!!

Vinegar: But she is fighting! And now Gab is leaning on the ropes with both arms. Chass pulls her legs into the air and THUMP! A harsh shot to the spine from underneath! Now dragging her back to the centre of the ring and BAM!! PLANTS THE CHAMPION WITH THE TWILIGHT!!!! THIS COULD BE IT, FOLKS!!!

Hanson: NO! THIS IS AN OUTRAGE!!! AN INJUSTICE!!!

Vinegar: But Chass isn’t going for the pin… SHE’S GOING BACK TO THE TOP ROPE!!!! LOOKING FOR THE FEARLESS!!! BUT GAB ROLLS OUTTA THE WAY!!!! BANG! THE DARK ROSE CRASHES AND BURNS!!!!

Hanson: YEEEES!!! THAT WAS WAY TOO CLOSE!!! BUT GAB’S STILL IN THIS!!!

Vinegar: And now both women groggily climbing to their feet. Whoever can gain their bearings first may very well win this match! And it’s Gabrielle! She takes holds of Chass! CONNECTS WITH THE 34 DOUBLE D DDT!!! COVERS!!!

Hanson: YES! LET ME COUNT THIS ONE, NICK!!!! ONE!!! TWO!!!! THREE!!!! WOOOOOOH!!!! SHE DID IT!!!! GAB RETAINED HER TITLE!!!! I KNEW SHE WOULD!!!

Dennis: ladies and gentlemen, the winner of the match via pinfall and STILL GIW Women’s Champion… GABRRRRRRRRRRRIELLE MAAAAAAAAADDISON MONTGOMERRRRRRRRY!!!!

Vinegar: Folks, I think Daniel has wet himself here. I have to think it was that fall to the steps that put Chass away. But no doubt both women fought a hard battle here tonight, as East hands Gabrielle her Women's Title belt. Tonight the Champ just wanted it more.

Gabrielle: 5

Chassie Fear: 2

[Lord Hastings]

Dennis: Ladies and Gentlemen, the next match is scheduled for one fall, already in the ring, ready to officiate his final match of the night is the star of such Hollywood Classics as Face/Off, The Rock and Bangkok Dangerous, please...please sense the tone...Nicolas Cage!!!

The first liens of ‘Getting’ Jiggy Wid It’ start to play.

On your mark ready set lets go

Dance floor pro I know you know

I go psycho when my new joint hit

Just can’t sit

Gotta get jiggy wit it

Dennis: And introducing next, tonight’s special guest enforcer, from Philadelphia, Pennsylvania, the star of such classic blockbusters as Independence Day, Bad Boys, Ali, Men in Black and Hancock, he is the man who turned down the role of Neo in the Matrix, he is The Fresh Prince of Bel Air...WIIIIIIILL SMITH!!!!!!!

Na na na na na na na nana

Na na na na nana

Gettin jiggy wit it

Will Smith appears on the stage and starts to wave his hands from side to side. The crowd join in as he body bops on the stage in time to his song.

Hanson: I gotta say, I’m more of a fan of ‘Switch’, that’s a phat song...

Vinegar: Could that possibly have anything to do with the video full of people shaking their asses into the camera...

The Fresh Prince ceases his dancing and turns his attentions to Nicolas Cage who stands in the ring, eyes locked on the man who has recently become his nemesis. Smith raises his head and then kisses his teeth in the general direction of Cage, and starts to strut his way down to ringside, touching fists with the guys lucky enough to get seats on the aisle.

Vinegar: Looks like Will Smith still has that kick to the janglies on his mind...

Hanson: It was only a few hours ago Nick, if I elbow you in your special place...would you forget?

Vinegar: Fair point, but I wonder whether the feud that is building between these guys could have some impact on tonight’s match.

Hanson: I don’t think anything is going to interfere between Brown and Prescott finishing this once and for all. I just hope Cage and Smith get nominated for Oscars...that’d be one ceremony I would not fall asleep during!

Vinegar: HA HA HA HA HA HA! If Nic Cage is nominated for another Oscar we may as all retire into the fallout shelters, as Armageddon will be imminent. It’s one of the harbingers of the Apocalypse, alongside DJ learning to tie his own shoelaces without managing to nearly end his life....

Will Smith makes it to ringside, and pulls up a chair outside the ring, and then motions with two fingers that he is watching Nicolas Cage...

The opening rift of ‘The Air That I Breathe’ blasts into play and the GIW arena instantly fills with boos. The Globatron flashes with a barrage of golden text words on a black background.

Cara Prescott

Travis Roberts

The Revolution

The Significant Player

The Heart And Soul Of GIW

Declan Prescott

Flashing images of the GIW owner now take over the screen. Blasting Chinatsu Chen with a crowbar. Raising Travis Robert’s arm. Smashing Brandon Brown with The Significant Impact. Shoving his tongue down Cara Prescott’s throat. Crippling Dylan James with The Perfect Play. Raising the Global Heavyweight Championship belt above his head.

I WILL NOT RELENT! NO! NO!

NEVER LIVE WITH DEFEAT! NEVER FALTER!

IT'S LIKE THE AIR THAT I BREATHE!

I WILL NOT CHOKE ON FAILURE!

A constant stream of golden sparks now begin pouring from the top of the Globatron and cover the entire entrance stage in bright light. A sleek, white limousine soon emerges from the river of pyro and begins making its way down the ramp.

I AM A MORTAL MAN!

BUT I’M NOT FALLING, I’M NOT BROKEN!

I AM A MORTAL MAN!

BUT I’LL HOLD TIGHT TO MY BELIEFS NOW!

The limousine pauses just before the ring and Aesc The Dark emerges from the driver’s door in a sparkling, lime green tuxedo, with pink undershirt and yellow and red polka dotted tie. He begrudgingly moves to the passengers door and opens it. Cara Prescott emerges first, dressed in an eye-catching, sunflower yellow dress, white cotton boots, with large fluff lining the tops and a white beret on her long, golden blonde hair. Aesc reluctantly bows, as she emerges from the vehicle, smiling gleefully, staring around the arena and absorbing the incredible atmosphere.

I HAVE SUFFERED DEFEAT, PAIN, LOSS!

STILL I PUSH TO THE EDGE, NEVER FALTER!

FOR THIS CEMENTS MY BELIEFS!

I’LL REMAIN MY OWN MASTER!

Declan Prescott then emerges from behind her, in slick black, full length tights, with a white lightning design down the right leg. His boots, gloves and single elbow pad are also all white. He raises both arms in the air and excitedly glances around the arena, before turning to Aesc and telling him to bow again for The Significant Player. A tear in his eye, the former jobber complies and lowers himself onto one knee. Declan gives him an obnoxious double thumbs up, before taking Cara by the hand and leading her up the ring steps.

I WILL NOT RELENT! NO! NO!

NEVER SUFFER DEFEAT! NEVER FALTER!

FOR THIS CEMENTS MY BELIEFS!

I WILL NOT CHOKE ON FAILURE!

Dennis: And introducing now, representing The Revolution, accompanied by Cara Prescott, from Los Angeles, California and weighing 227 pounds, The Significant Player, The Heart And Soul Of GIW, Global Impact Wrestling’s one true master, a man who has never been pinned or made to submit, professional wrestling’s most successful icon… Jesus, I’m never letting him write his own introduction ever again… DECLAAAAAAAAAAAAAN PRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRESCOTT!!!!

Declan shoots a nasty stare Dennis’ way, before climbing onto the turnbuckle and raising his arms high in the air. The inhumane jeering he receives is drowned out, as a surge of pyros burst from the arena ceiling in a succession of devastating bangs.

I AM A MORTAL MAN!

BUT I’M NOT FALLING, I’M NOT BROKEN!

I AM A MORTAL MAN!

BUT I’LL HOLD TIGHT TO MY BELIEFS NOW!

Yet more golden sparks fall from the heavens, as Declan returns to the mat, his arms still outstretched. He then turns to Cara and presses his lips to hers for several long moments, to the point The Princess Of GIW’s face begins to turn red. He then escorts her from the ring, as his music fades and the fans ‘Brown’s gonna kill you’ chant can now be heard crystal clearly.

Vinegar: Well ladies and gentlemen, The Significant Player has certainly spared no expense for our biggest pay-per-view in history. Although his budget obviously wasn’t as big as he would have liked, as Aesc reverses that limo up the ramp way. I’m sure that demented stone raper wasn’t his first choice.

Hanson: Don’t be stupid, Nick! He gave Aesc the job out of pity! I mean, the most notable thing that monkey molesting turd burgler had ever done up until now was get his ass whooped by Declan back at Black Axis. Now he’s driving the dudes limo! Declan lives to give, my man.

Vinegar: Either that or he just wanted to humiliate him… though for Aesc, just being in an entrance at Horizons has to be a privilege, so maybe you’re right.

Hanson: Of course I am! Now lets quit the chatter about the window licker and focus on The Heart And Soul Of GIW! And his lovely wife… it’s been too long since we saw Cara in this place! But she picked one hell of a night to make her triumphant return!

Vinegar: I absolutely agree. It’s been one incredible evening so far and with this forthcoming match, it can only get better.

The opening chords of ‘Kickstart my Heart’ by Motley Crew boom across the arena, and the fans, as one, rise to their feet and begin going ballistic.

Dennis: And his opponent, he is a former 2 Time GIW Global Champion, he has main evented more GIW pay-per-views than any other athlete, he is The Most Resilient Man in Sports Entertainment Today, he was voted by GIW.com as ‘The man most people would like to go on a day trip with’, he is BRAAAAAANDOOOOOON BROOOOOOOOOWN!

Brandon appears underneath the Globatron and acknowledges the fans. He then turns around and sticks his head back through the curtain and drags his cousin, Big B Brown out from backstage. Big B has a taco in one hand and a hot dog in the other. He looks from hand to hand, a look of eternal puzzlement crosses his face. He finally decides to go for the hot dog, but at the last moment pulls away and looks towards the taco, revaluating his options. In this time Brandon grows tired of his cousins indecisiveness, and slaps the hot dog from his hand, Big B looks up at him in astonishment, but Brandon merely points to the ring and Big B suddenly realises he is holding up possibly the biggest blood feud of the year, shoves the taco in his mouth and then sets off down the ramp at Brandon’s side.

Hanson: Why does Big B have to be here? Cara I can live with, she ain’t gonna get involved and she’s nicer to look at. Sure Big B has a more impressive cleavage, but now Declan has got to watch his back for Big B as well as Nic Cage...

Vinegar: You still think Cage is gonna try and help Brandon? I’m pretty sure the only guy Cage hates more than Brandon is Sean Bean....and Will Smith....and Bruce Willis....and Johnny Depp....and Gary Busey....hell apart from every other male actor alive, I’m pretty sure Brandon is number one on his hate list. Besides, I got a feeling he’ll have his hands full with Smith, their ain’t now way he’s not gonna try and instigate himself in the match...

Hanson: Racist.

Vinegar: What?

Hanson: Just because Will Smith is of African American descent you think he is gonna try and cheat? Hell, I bet you think our President Elect rigged the election from the Ghetto don’t ya?

Vinegar: That’s not what I said...hell the same could be said of you and your mistrust of Owen Peterson...

Hanson: Please! It’s nothing like that! Owen Peterson is a real danger to society; he’d steal your car, do a drive by on yo momma, leave the car on fire in the middle of a field, then hijack you’re granddaddy, make him take him to your house, and then recreate the Grand Canyon with your wifes anal cavity! All whilst forcing you to watch and give felatio to a dwarf named Cecilia. To be fair it’s a good thing Nicolas Cage is officiating this match, who knows what that crazy man would do.

Vinegar: A minute ago you were saying he was gonna help Brandon!

Hanson: That was before I remembered the other option! Anyway, has Brandon got to the ring yet?

Vinegar: Why are you asking me?

Hanson: I’m not really paying much attention. I mean Declan Prescott pulled out all the stops to put on a show, all Brandon Brown has done is bring his Cousin, who I suspect suffers from Downs Syndrome, on a nice day out. It’s like Brandon is Big B’s care worker, and in that case, what hope has Big B got?

Vinegar: I knew we should have forced you to take some downers, this 'biggest pay-per-view of the year' malarkey has gone to your head hasn’t it? Are you honestly trying to say the most controversial thing that has been said on live TV? Is this some vain attempt to become famous?

Hanson: What makes you say that you rectum raiding, badger harassing, baby killing, mongoloid paedophile?

Vinegar: Enough! Brandon Brown has finally made his way into the ring, as Big B takes his place outside at his corner...

Hanson: Finally, this pay-per-view has actually started! No more retards bouncing against one another, no more wannabes showing themselves up in public, no more dark matches we are forced to commentate on. Finally the two matches that really matter are about to begin, finally we have some excitement, obviously Declan Prescott is going to win, but there is at least an air of uncertainty, unlike most of the other matches tonight...

Vinegar: You thought Peterson was going to win?

Hanson: Shut up! I don’t remember that! That’s not what happened and I will bitch slap anyone that suggests otherwise!

Vinegar: Sure you will.

Hanson: Can we focus on this match please, no-one wants to hear about the travesties of the past, this is about this match. These two guys faced one another in the very first pay-per-view of the year and now it’s all coming full circle. And both these guys have one victory against the other, so this match actually means something, this match, Nick, is the decider. It’s damn important!

Vinegar: I don’t think a single person would disagree with you Daniel. Brandon Brown and Declan Prescott have now moved to the centre of the ring and they are staring one another in the eyes and listen to the fans, they have gone silent, you could cut the atmosphere in here with a knife, every member of the crowd is on the edge of their seats, and who can blame them? After everything these two guys have gone through this year, after every twist and turn in their lives, from treasure hunts, to being hunted by psychotic detectives, this is what it all amounts to, the entire year comes down to this one match, Declan Prescott verse Brandon Brown...and it’s about to begin...

Hanson: Brace yourselves guys, this one is gonna blow your janglies off...

[Lord Hastings]

Vinegar: And Nic Cage signals for the bell to be rung and his wish is Old Man Hermit's command, as this match is underway!

Hanson: Woo Hoo! Finally Declan Prescott will show everyone how far superior he is to Brandon Brown. And once that’s over with Travis Roberts will reclaim the rightful property of The Revolution... and then, then Boss Penguin better watch his back!

Vinegar: Both men are circling one another, neither willing to give away a cheap first move, both keeping attentive to each of the other mans limbs. This match is going to get brutal, no doubt in my mind, but both men are too intelligent to just go hell for leather at the other one as soon as the bell rings...

Hanson: And all it’s gonna take is one little slip up from Brandon Brown and that’s it, goodnight!

Vinegar: Each man is able to capitalise on a moments indecisiveness from their opponent, but I dare say neither of these men is going to go down easily...but it is The Significant Player who moves first, he fakes going for a lock up, steps to the side and whips Brandon into the ropes. As he returns Declan hits him with a standing dropkick that sends Brown rolling on the canvas, but he is back on his feet almost instantly, this man is very agile.

Hanson: But Prescott is not giving him much time to keep his balance as he quickly puts him in a front headlock and squeezes tight, Brandon struggles and starts pushing, but Declan uses his feet to climb the ropes and then spins driving Brandon’s face into the canvas with a bulldog. As I predicted, Declan has the advantage, and this match won’t go long.

Vinegar: It’s a bit premature to be making any assumptions just yet, assumption is, after all, the mother of all fuck ups!

Hanson: Whilst Declan stamps away on Brandon’s face, I think I’m going to stick by my gut feeling, he’ll have this won in under five minutes. Look he’s even got time to lean towards Cara and check that she is ok, and that Big B hasn’t attempted to eat her yet...

Vinegar: But that momentary distraction is all Brandon needs as he leaps to his feet, grabs Declan from behind and delivers a powerful German suplex to The Heart and Soul....as I said, this match has only just gotten started. Now Brandon drags The Owner of GIW into the middle of the ring by his legs, Declan kicks out but Brandon stands strong, and then drops an elbow onto The Significant Player’s stomach.

Hanson: Brandon dragging Prescott up by his hair and now he hits him with a chop to the chest, and another....why are these retarded fans shouting ‘Wooo!’ each time? Get over it already...

Vinegar: Declan staggers back into the ropes, Brandon takes a step back and then charges with a clothesline, but Declan ducks and tips Brown over the top rope to the arena floor...great awareness from our boss...

Hanson: He’s just better than Brown, pure and simple. Brandon stays on the floor for a few moments, as Cara walks over to him and just walks past whilst looking down and smiling at his predicament. Declan is taking this time to take a well earned rest, as Cage makes the count...which may become problematic as I’m pretty sure he finds it hard to count past four...

Vinegar: Well he has reached 3 now, so we’ll find out soon enough, unless Brandon gets to his feet and gets back in the ring...

Hanson: Maybe he’s just thinking about whether it’s worth it, he could just quit now and go backstage and play PSP with his cousin....who I imagine he always beats...

Vinegar: You know all too well that Brandon Brown will not just quit, and on the count of 6...

Hanson: Did it come after 5?

Vinegar: Yes it did, and as I was saying, on the count of 6 Brandon gets back on his feet, and now slides into the ring, and is greeted by the sole of Declan Prescott’s boot as it slams into his nose with such fury I think he may have broken it...

Hanson: Well there is certainly a great deal of blood flowing from Brandon’s nose, so that’d be a fair guess...

Vinegar: Despite the blood, Brandon springs up from his knees and lands a knee to Declan’s midsection and then he leaps and hits a fame asser, sending Declan’s head crashing into the canvas....and now Brandon takes the advantage and synchs Declan into a camel clutch...

Hanson: That’s disgusting; his blood is pouring onto The Heart and Soul’s back...

Vinegar: And Nic Cage asks Declan if he quits, and Declan laughs and says ‘NEVER’, and starts climbing onto his knee’s, but Brandon releases the hold and quickly drops his entire body onto Declan’s back, sending the owner back down to the mat...and now Brandon climbs to the top rope, and he sits waiting for Declan to get to his feet...

Hanson: And The Significant Player does just that, cause he ain’t gonna stay down...

Vinegar: But as he turns to look for Brown, he sees Brown’s big size 13s flying through the air, as Brown connects with a missile dropkick, directly to Declan’s face...and I don’t believe this...I think he just broke Prescott’s nose...

Hanson: What? I think you’re right...and Declan raises his hand to his face and sees the blood and he does not look happy...

Vinegar: It all becomes different when the boot is on the other face doesn’t it? So now each man has broken the others nose, the canvas is covered in their blood as well as countless others, and both men are back on their feet...Brandon runs the ropes, but Cara Prescott tries to trip him unsuccessfully, and Brandon turns and looks at her...and Nic Cage goes over and warns her not to interfere...

Hanson: Declan takes the opportunity to scoop up Brown from the side and deliver a falling sidewalk slam, which sends the back of Brown’s skull plummeting into the canvas at a unconventional angle...and he goes for the cover...1....2...

Vinegar: Not a chance, Brandon gets a shoulder up and Declan breaks the cover, but in his frustration he flings an arm up and knocks Nicolas Cage down to the ground...

Hanson: And look at that preening fool, he’s clutching his face and checking for any damage, we should have had a real man like Will Smith as the ref...

Vinegar: It doesn’t look like Declan is complaining though, as Cara climbs onto the canvas and removes her high boot and holds it up. Declan looks at her and shakes his head, but Cara just nods, Declan picks up the downed Brown and whips him towards Cara...but Brown reverses and sends Declan into Brown’s own body and then delivers a belly-to-belly suplex...and Cara just looks on stunned, Nic Cage gets to his feet and sees Cara standing on the canvas and now he is telling her to get down, but she just looks on at Declan who is now being subjected to mounted punches by Brandon Brown. Cage is screaming at her to remove herself...

Hanson: GET YOUR HANDS OFF OF HER YOU TALENTLESS MORON!!!

Vinegar: I have to agree with you Daniel, I’m not sure why but Nic Cage is not grabbing hold of Cara and trying to force her to get off the ring....

Hanson: Will Smith sees the injustice in this and now he has climbed into the ring...and spins Nic Cage round....and hits him with a low blow to the janglies....he then rolls out of the ring and offers the lovely Mrs. Prescott his hand as she climbs down from the ring...

Vinegar: However, whilst Cage is down for the second time in the match, Brandon gets off of Declan and climbs the ropes once more....Declan though springs to his feet and charges at Brown, knocking him from the top rope...

Hanson: But that overweight lard bucket Big Bi is there to catch his cousin and save him from a nasty fall, Declan though doesn’t pause and runs towards the opposite ropes, then back towards the Brown Cousins, springboards onto the top rope...

Vinegar: TWISTING SHOOTING STAR PRESS TO THE OUTSIDE!!!

Hanson: What a display of skill from The Heart and Soul, who drags himself from the prone bodies of the Brown cousins, and then lifts Brandon by his hair and rolls his prone body into the ring...and then he climbs to the top rope...

Vinegar: He really has pulled out all the stops tonight, but if he keeps on with these high risk moves he’s going to get caught out...

"YO NIGGAS CAN’T DO SHIT RIGHT!"

[Lord Hastings]

Hanson: What the hell is that damn penguin doing here?!

Vinegar: Declan turns towards the penguin, and just smirks, he then turns back towards Brandon....but doesn’t notice Boss P pull out a replica magnum...takes aim...and pulls the trigger...and the beanbag hits Declan square in the temple, sending him crashing to the canvas...

Boss P: Nigga....HOL....DAT!

Vinegar: Now both men are down on the floor, along with Nicolas Cage, Will Smith just looks on in astonishment, whilst holding onto Cara who is trying to charge down GIW’s Enforcer, who just looks on, whilst puffing on his cigar...Brandon Brown starts getting to his feet, sees Declan lying lifelessly on the floor and pulls himself up on his feet using the turnbuckle...

Hanson: Wait...Travis Roberts, ‘The Blessed One’ has appeared on stage....directly behind Boss Penguin...who hasn’t seen him...and he picks up the bird....AND DROP KICKS HIM INTO THE CROWD!!!

Vinegar: I have a feeling he is gonna regret that...

Hanson: I bet he enjoyed it though!

Vinegar: From the smile on his face I’d say so....and now he runs down to the ring as Brandon climbs the turnbuckle...and The Headliner makes it onto the canvas, and he trips Brandon, who falls onto the canvas...

Hanson: Just as Declan and Nic Cage start getting to their feet...Declan spots Travis as he rises...they both meet eyes and Travis nods towards Declan...The Significant Player gets onto his feet, and then motions for Travis to go and prepare for his match...

Vinegar: Brandon is on his feet as well, and whilst Declan tells The Blessed One to go backstage Brandon approaches...SUPERKIC...

Hanson: NO! Declan ducks, and then kicks Brandon in the stomach....WHITE OUT!!! WHITE OUT!!! Declan borrows his partners move....and makes the cover....

1

...

2

...

Vinegar:NO!!!....NO!!!....NO!!! They do not call this man The Most Resilient Man in Sports Entertainment for nothing! Once again Brandon Brown has proven he is monumentally difficult to put down...

Hanson: I cannot believe he kicked out...

Vinegar: Neither can Declan....he’s on his back, hands in his hair....and so is Travis Roberts, who is just frozen on the stage...but then he heads backstage...

Hanson: He knows Declan wouldn’t want him jeopardising his match...hang on a minute....you haven’t cursed The Headliner for getting involved in this match yet? Who are you, and what have you done with the real Nicholas Vinegar?

Vinegar: I hate to say it, but I think Boss P’s actions justified Travis’ interference, The Headliner merely balanced the match up again...and I don’t think Brandon would have wanted to win under those circumstances anyway, the man has far too much integrity...

Hanson: Well, considering the guy just kicked out of the White Out, I gotta say....he is pretty tough....Christ, this is just gonna turn into a love in a minute...

Vinegar: You’re right, maybe we should concentrate on the match, Declan is rising to his feet as Nic Cage does a standing count....and then the star of The Weatherman leans over Brandon’s face...

Hanson: Is he trying to kiss him...

Vinegar: I think he’s trying to check if he’s conscious...but Brandon opens his eyes, whilst Cage is merely inches from his face, Brandon gets startled and he ends up clashing heads with Nic Cage...and Declan Prescott can’t help but smile as he watches Brandon roll onto his feet and give a very icy look towards Nic Cage, who is once again on his ass on the floor, now clutching his head...

Hanson: And Declan being the true sport he is, clicks his finger to draw Browns attention back to the task in hand, and then rushes him...

Vinegar: But Brown is ready and catches Prescott with a hip toss, but Prescott somersaults out and lands on his feet, only to be met by a kick to the midsection from Brown....BRAINBUSTER!!!! And he makes the cover...

...

Hanson: But Nic Cage is too busy clutching his skull to realise immediately...

Vinegar: But he soon realises with the help of thousands of fans screaming their lungs out....

....1

....2

...

Hanson: NO! he kicked out, Declan kicks out...

Vinegar: And Brandon looks furious with Nic Cage, as he gets to his feet and grabs him by the throat...

Hanson: He looks like he’s going to kill him Nick...but before he gets the chance, The Fresh Prince of Bel Air jumps in between the two, separating them...now look at that...that is excellent enforcing....that damn penguin should take tips...

Vinegar: Now Declan gets back to his feet, but Brandon tears his attention away from Nic Cage in time, and notices and keeps Declan on the ground by hitting a low angled dropkick to The Significant Player’s face...he then grabs the Heart and Soul’s legs....and twists them into a sharpshooter....and he leans back....they are in the middle of the ring....Declan has nowhere to go....

Hanson: Oh god....not like this....not like this...

Vinegar: And it seems that dropkick has busted open The Significant Player’s forehead and he’s now pouring blood from the wound, as well as his nose...and he’s screaming in pain...and Cara can’t watch on, she has buried her face in Will Smith’s shoulder, she can’t stand to watch this sight...

Hanson: But he will not give in, look at the strain on Brandon’s face, he’s putting everything he has into this, he looks like he is on the verge of breaking Declan Prescott’s back...

Vinegar: But the blood covered owner of this company will not tap out, he shakes his head vigorously as Nic Cage asks him the question, repeatedly...

Hanson: I don’t think the words ‘I Quit’ or ‘I give up’ are in Declan Prescott’s vocabulary...

Vinegar: Me either, but he doesn’t have to quit to lose here, he seems to be losing his energy, all that blood loss, all that pain....surely he can’t take much more before passing out...

Hanson: That will happen before he gives in Nick...mark my words...

Vinegar: It looks like it may have already, Declan is not responding to Cage’s questions....so Cage lifts Declan’s right arm in the air and drops it...

ONCE...

...

TWICE...

...

THR...

Hanson: NO! Declan keeps his arm up at the last moment, and his eyes widen...he plants both hands on the floor...and pushes back with all of his might...and breaks the hold sending Brandon stumbling into the ropes...

Vinegar: That was an amazing show of fortitude from Declan Prescott....but how much does he have left? He may have spent up the last reserves of his energy...

Hanson: But he has enough to climb to his knees...

Vinegar: But Brown has gained his balance and he charges, and lands a brutal shining wizard....his knee crashing into the side of Declan Prescott’s skull. Nic Cage meanwhile is looking a little groggy still from that clash of heads with Brandon...

Hanson: As Brandon raises Declan to his feet, The Significant Player jabs him in the midsection, sending Brown recoiling. Declan then runs the ropes and comes back with...THE PERFECT PLA...

Vinegar: NO! It’s Brandon’s turn to dodge a kick and in doing so manages to grab hold of Prescott and thrust him into the canvas with a modified chokeslam....and then drags Declan to his feet, and whips him into the corner...and charges...

Hanson: But Nic Cage doesn’t seem to have his bearings and almost stumbles into Brown, who pulls back at the last minute...pushes Cage to the side....then stamps his foot as Declan staggers from the corner towards him...he’s signalling that trademark kick....he tees it up...I can’t watch...WHAT THE HELL!?!?!?

Vinegar:SUPERKICK TO NICOLAS CAGE!!!! I guess Brandon just got sick and tired of him getting in his way all the time. I imagine it’s just part of the thrill of a treasure hunt....but this actually matters...and he turns back to Declan, kicks him in the midsection....places his head between his legs...POWERBO...

Hanson: NO! Declan struggles free, lands on his feet in front of Brown....SIGNIFICANT IMPACT!!!!

Vinegar: Prescott makes the pin, and Will Smith slides into the ring to make the count in the absence of the downed Nicolas Cage....

...1

...

...2

...

...3!!!!!

Dennis: Here is your winner, via Pinfall....DEEEEEEEEEEECLAAAAAAN PREEEEEEESCOOOOOTT!!!!

Hanson: YES! YES! YES!

Vinegar: What a match?! And listen to the fans, as ‘The Air I Breathe’ plays over the arena, they are standing on their feet applauding in respect of both of these guys....they have both entertained us all throughout the year, they have put their hearts and their minds on the line for each and every one of us, and tonight....tonight they gave us a match we will never forget!

Hanson: This...THIS...is what Horizons is all about, underneath the gimmicks, beneath the celebrities and the hype, Horizons is simply about the honour and brutality of combat!

Vinegar: And these two men certainly gave us a hell of a show, and Declan gets to his feet and is greeted in his victory by a tearful Cara Prescott and Will Smith raises his hand, as the fans continue to show their appreciation. They may hate him, but each one of them respects him after this showing tonight...Tonight Declan Prescott proved exactly why they call him The Heart and Soul of Global Impact Wrestling! How can we top that?

Hanson: With a Travis Roberts victory next?

Declan Prescott: 5

Brandon Brown: 1

[Lord Hastings]

The dream of three men…

…the legacy of two promotions…

…the pride of one victor…

Ladies and gentlemen!

It is now time for your Horizons 2008

MAIN EVENT match!

The fans of the GIW arena erupt into ecstatic cheers at the announcement, as the ominous structure of the cell hangs above the ring. But those cheers only grow louder when the lights dim as they’ve done so many times before. ‘Wonder What’s Next’ by Chevelle follows the sounds of an opening can of Red Bull and the flick of Zippo igniting.

Dennis: Ladies and gentlemen, this contest is a triple threat HELL IN A CELL match, with THREE Championships on the line! The GIW Hardcore Championship, The TWiSTeD Fight Club Championship and the Global Heavyweight Championship! The winner of this contest shall be crowned Global Impact Wrestling’s first ever UNDISPUTED GLOBAL CHAMPION! Introducing first, the GIW Hardcore Champion, from Oceanside, California and weighing 220 pounds, he is the Red Bull Icon! RRRRRRRRRRRANDY ‘BOOLZ’ BOOOOLZIAAAN!!!!

After a few seconds of the music BoolZ marches from the back and down the aisle way ignoring the fans and Mary-Joanna Roberts who struggles to match RBI’s quick pace. He takes the half smoked cigarette from his lips, finishes the Red Bull in his hand, tosses the can aside half way down the entrance, and goes back to his smoke without breaking stride.

Vinegar: Folks, it’s finally here. After what has been one incredible journey, one incredible event, we’re finally at the climax! The final match of GIW for this year! This company’s first ever hell in a cell match! Everything these men have worked towards is finally here!

Hanson: Absolutely, Nick! We’ve had ladders, Polish gangstas, celebrities and midgets all in the one show. But the end is upon us. This company’s biggest match! And what a match it’s gonna be?!

Upon reaching ringside BoolZ flicks his cigarette butt against the guard rail, quickly enters the ring, takes the Hardcore Title from his waist forcing it to Glenn Burke, and shouts at MJ to stay clear of the ring. She hesitates briefly before beginning to make her way back up the ramp. BoolZ produces another cigarette, lights it, then demands Mitchell Dennis to continue the introductions.

Vinegar: The undefeated Randy Boolzian, the man that picked this match up. He had to win the epic Battleground match to earn that right, but he did it. And if he can make it this final step, his journey will be complete. And I can guarantee that there’ll be one hell of a Red Bull fuelled celebration party afterwards!

Hanson: That’s assuming he’ll be able to party, Nick. Don’t forget that this is hell in a cell! One of the most brutal matches imaginable. And that’s exactly what these men are gonna go through - hell! They’ll be lucky if they can even walk out of the arena, let alone have a victory party.

Vinegar: You’re absolutely right, Daniel. These men are gonna push each other to the absolute limit here tonight. And we’re gonna be here to witness the whole thing as it unfolds.

As BoolZ gets comfortable in the ring, and looks up at the huge structure hanging above the ring, it starts to lower very slowly, until it is hanging about 10 foot from the ground.

Suddenly all the lights in the arena go off, and a sea of mobile phones begin to illuminate the darkness along with photographic flashes. Just before anyone cans tart to wonder whether this is part of the show or not, the Globatron flickers to life, with a barrage of golden words that bathe the crowd in a soft glow:


Cara Prescott

Declan Prescott

The Headliner

The Blessed One

Travis Roberts

The Foundations of Global Impact Wrestling

THE REVOLUTION


Two huge spotlights then begin to swirl around the arena as flashing images of Travis Roberts fill the screen. Driving Lord Deathman’s skull into a steel chair. Nailing Komosube with The Significant Impact. Delivering The White Out to Brandon Brown. Uniting with Declan Prescott at In Your Hands. And raising The Global Heavyweight Championship high above his head.

The spotlights finally come to rest on top of the steel cell, and upon it we can see five figures, in moments each become illuminated and we can make out the entire grouping of Monster Magnet standing atop the cell...musical equipment, amps and all. Dave Wyndorff grabs the Microphone , and the band begin to play the opening chords of Bummer...

Hanson: Is that Travis?

Vinegar: No that’s Dave Wyndorf...lead singer of Monster Magnet...

Hanson: He looks like Travis.

Vinegar: Maybe Travis looks like Dave… you ever thought of that?

As the drum beat kicks in a third spotlight appears and it is focused above the band, and from the ceiling, wearing a pair of silver baggy jeans, and a leather jacket with a diamond encrusted BullGod logo on the back, and The TWiSTeD Fight Club Unified Championship strapped around his waist, ‘The Headliner’ Travis Roberts is lowered onto the cell roof.

Dennis: And introducing next, from Phoenix, Arizona, he is ‘The Headliner’, ‘The Blessed One’, ‘The TWiSTeD Icon’, ‘The Most Influential figure in Sports Entertainment this Millenia’, ‘The TWISTeD Guerilla’, ‘The TWiSTeD Saviour’, ‘The Most Important Man in Wrestling Since a Certain Bird Flipping Redneck’, a man with more moniker’s than Texas has Mexicans, he is the holder of The TWiSTeD Fight Club Unified World Championship, TRAAAAVIS ROOOOBEERTS!

As Mitchell Dennis finishes his introduction Dave Wyndorf raises his mouth to the microphone and begins to sing.


You're looking for the one who fucked your mom
It's not me
It's not me

You're looking for the one who made you cry
That's not me
It's not me

If you wanna stuff your garbage in that hole
OOOOOOooooh, baby I'm your man of the hour!

You think the world's got the evil eye on you
That's not true
That's not true


Travis walks to the side of the cell and looks out across the crowd, and he gets a mixed reaction from the fans who peer upwards to either the cell roof, or the live image of him on the Globatron. He removes the TFC Championship from his waist and hoists it in the sky. A few loud cheers can be heard and then a smattering of fans start to chant the initials of that now dead federation. Travis then walks to each side of the cell raising the Title in the air for all the fans to see.


The only one I see causing major pain
Is just you
It's just you

If you wanna spank your demons and make 'em pay
Then baby I'm your man of the hour

Some people go to bed with Lucifer
Then they cry...crry...cry... when they don't greet the day with God

I know life's a bummer baby
But that's got precious little to do with meeeeee


Travis then turns to the band, embraces Dave Wyndorf and then Ed Mundell, lead guitarist who hands his guitar to Travis, who takes it and starts to play a screaming solo.

Vinegar: He may be an arrogant SOB, he may be self involved, he may be larger than life....but damn, does this guy know how to make an entrance...

Hanson: Just like his partner Declan Prescott, Travis Roberts is pulling out all the stops tonight...

Vinegar: The only worry is, isn’t it a bit self-indulgent?

Hanson: By Travis Roberts’ standards?

Vinegar: Point taken.

Travis finishes playing the solo and hands the guitar back to Ed and walks to the side of the cage, as Dave Wyndorf begins to sing again. He raises the Title in the air once more, and pyrotechnics stream from each corner of the cell, as Travis Roberts stands with his arms spread out wide.


You think you've found the one most like yourself
And that's me
Yeah that's me

You're sure we've known each other all our lives
That could be
That could be

If you wanna spank your demons and make 'em pay
Then baby I'm your man of the hour

Some people go to bed with Lucifer
Then they cry, cry, cry when they don't greet the day with God

I know life's a bummer baby
But that's got precious little to do with me
I know life's a bummer baby


Travis now starts to scale down the side of the cell...

Vinegar: Where the hell is he going, I thought he was gonna wait for the cell to get lowered?!

Hanson: Well he obviously has other ideas...

Travis gets to the bottom of the cage, and as he hangs 10 feet from the ground he places two fingers in his mouth and lets out an almighty whistle...


I needed a small vacation
So they put me on a train

They called it rehabilitation
Oh, but here I am again

It's against my second nature
Not to to chase you down that hole

I need a fistful of medication
Just to keep it in my pants


Vinegar: Now this is just getting ridiculous....

From the ramp way, approximately 30 scantily clad women start making their way to the ringside and crowd beneath Travis...

Hanson: I know her...and her...and her...god I know most of these girls, Trina Michaels, Ava Lauren, Eva Evangelina...they’re PORN STARS!!! Wait...and there’s Chris Austin Midget!!! What a resilient motherfunker that man is...it’s great to see the vertically challenged represented in the main event of our biggest pay per view of the year...

Vinegar: GIW is certainly a diverse place to work, but what exactly are they doing here....

Hanson: I think we’re about to find out....

Travis looks down on the girls as Monster Magnet near the end of the song, he smiles and then let’s go of the cage, and leans backwards falling towards them. The posse of girls all brace themselves and catch ‘The Headliner’ above their heads and carry him over to the ring, where he grabs the ropes and rises to his feet after a novel approach to getting to the ring.

Vinegar: That was...quite some entrance... it was certainly original... and now those ladies are heading backstage… I wonder what the Global Heavyweight Champion has planned...

The arena spotlights fall on four Japanese men arranged around the top of the ramp. In front of each is a short but broad, heavy looking drum and each carries a pair of heavy looking drumsticks. On some unseen cue they start to play, beating out the familiar rhythm of Teahouse. The crowd pops at the imminent arrival of the Global Heavyweight Champion.

As the drums continue to pound a creature appears from the back and stands at the top of the ramp between the group of drummers. It is a huge white dragon, a costume at least, with a large ornate looking head and a body covered in fur and metal. Five sets of feet can be clearly seen beneath it. At the top of the ramp the Dragon leaps and dances, seemingly excited by the gathered crowd.

The Dragon starts to dance down the ramp, it’s head shooting around erratically. When it reaches the bottom of the ramp and the foot of the cage it stops. It bows it’s head low first then slowly looks up, sizing up the structure from bottom to top. It’s whole body starts to shake aggressively and suddenly it leaps up in the air. As it does, Alex Kiseragi, Title belt around his waist, leaps out from inside it to stand to it’s left hand side, heralding another loud cheer. He stands still for a moment before suddenly launching himself into a back flip, accompanied by a large pyro running right up the ramp.

Dennis: And the final contest, the Global Heavyweight Champion! From San Francisco, California and weighing 198 pounds, he is The Dragon Of GIW! AAAAAAAAAAAAAALEX KISERRRRRRRRRAGI!!!!

The Dragon continues dancing beside Alex until he reaches up, laying a hand on it’s head and starting to scratch behind it’s ear. The Dragon lowers it’s head and leans into him, calming somewhat. Now though Alex has entered the ring by diving between the bottom and middle ropes. Rolling to his feet and climbing a turnbuckle, he poses for a second before back flipping off again.

Vinegar: The Global Heavyweight Champion! The last man who will ever hold that namesake! He had to battle his way through three cages and two men to get here! Now he’s looking to cement himself as an all time great by becoming the first ever Undisputed Global Champ! He’s paid the price to get here. His family has paid the price! But tonight he has the chance to make it all worthwhile!

Hanson: Or the chance to make it all in vein, Nick. Make no mistake, the man you see in the ring is not the same man that won the Global title in England, six weeks ago. Having the prestige, the limelight, the attention, it’s changed him, Nick. And that change is either gonna give him the hunger he needs to take this match or it’s gonna be his downfall. Always gotta remember your roots, Nick, and that’s something Kiseragi hasn’t done.

Vinegar: You’re wrong, Daniel. He’s fighting for more than just the Title. He’s fighting for his family. His father! The same father that was disrespected by Randy Boolzian. The same father that was brutalised last week at the hands of Travis Roberts. All three of these men despise each other and all are looking to inflict some major pain on the others. And whoever can remain standing after taking the most amount of pain will be the victor!

Kiseragi now stares down both BoolZ and Travis. He unbuckles his Title belt and hands it to Burke. The senior referee then approaches Roberts for his Championship. The Blessed One begrudgingly shoves the belt into Burke’s grasp, eyeing off BoolZ the entire time. RBI then hands the Hardcore Title belt to the ref and Burke holds all three prizes high in the air. He then passes them off to Old Man Hermit and calls for the cell to be lowered.

Vinegar: That giant, satanic structure lowering around those three competitors, now. Just to remind you folks, this match is no disqualifications, no counts, anything goes. The first man to pin or submit one of his opponents inside the ring will be the victor. It’s gonna be brutal, it’s gonna be bloody.

Hanson: And now the cell is lowered! Burke is calling for the bell, Nick! It’s finally upon us! The biggest match in the history of this company!

Ding!

[Lord Hastings]

Vinegar: Here we go! BoolZ wasting no time and charging straight at Roberts! BOOM! Massive clothesline turns The Headliner inside out! RBI stomping away at him like there’s no tomorrow! WAIT! Kiseragi from the side with a springboard dropkick sends BoolZ sprawling into the corner! And now Kiseragi kicking the holy crap outta Roberts! BoolZ and Alex are literally fighting over who gets to punish Travis!

Hanson: But The Blessed One is too smart for either of them. He rolls outta the ring and putting some space between himself and his competitors. It’s a wise move, laying low, instead of trying to fight two men.

Vinegar: But I don’t think he’s gonna get away that easily! Kiseragi slides out of the ring in front of him and BoolZ does the same behind! But The Headliner scrambles back into the ring and makes a beeline for the opposite ropes! He’s actually openly running away here! RBI and The Dragon hot on his heels, following him. But Roberts doesn’t slide out the other side! Instead he bounces off the ropes and snaps both his opponents down with a double clothesline! BRILLIANT move by The Blessed One!

Hanson: Absolutely. You have to know that all three of these men are on the top of their game tonight and they’ll bust out whatever moves necessary to take the win. And Roberts is keeping them off their toes already. Ha! See what I did there?

Vinegar: You inspire me, Daniel. Now Roberts with a boot to Kiseragi’s skull, sends the Global Champ tumbling out of the ring. Turning his focus to RBI, but BANG! Is met with the TumbleWeed to the face! Travis falling into the corner and WHACK! NoFlyZone! The Hardcore Champ is busting out his biggest moves already!

Hanson: And he’s not the only one! Kiseragi on the apron AND TURNS BOOLZ INSIDE OUT WITH THE SERPANTSAULT!

Vinegar: No restraint being shown from any of these men! Kiseragi up and pulling The Headliner to his feet. And throwing him back into the corner and now kicking the crap outta him with those lethal legs!!

Hanson: And there’s not a lot Roberts can do to defend himself here. No! I’m wrong! A quick eye rake and Kiseragi’s attack is stopped dead in its tracks!

Vinegar: Cheap move by The Blessed One and now he follows up with a belly-to-back suplex, dumping Kiseragi over the top ropes and smashing to the floor below! But here comes BoolZ outta nowhere! NO! Roberts is ready and uses RBI’s own momentum against him, to launch him over the top ropes AND HAMMERING FACE FIRST INTO THE STEEL WALL OF THE CELL!!!

Hanson: Haha! Now Travis Roberts is taking some time to wave to the fans.

Vinegar: Which is being met with a ‘you suck’ chant from the people here tonight. They’re obviously not too impressed with The Headliner’s actions.

Hanson: But they should be. Did you see what he just did to both his opponents?! Now he’s in complete control! If Roberts sucked, he wouldn’t have been able to do that!

Vinegar: I have to agree. These fans may not like Roberts’ ‘better than you’ attitude, but no one can deny he has some amazing abilities. But lets see how they serve him now! Kiseragi has climbed onto the top rope! And he comes down with a diving side kick! But Roberts is able to roll out of the way! Kiseragi leaps at him, but right into a massive power slam! AND ROBERTS COVERS! ONE! T - KICK OUT!

Hanson: Roberts knew Kiseragi would kick out, but he’s just sending a message. A message that if the Global Champ doesn’t watch out, his hopes of victory could vanish in mere seconds!

Vinegar: And the notion seems to have offended Kiseragi! Roberts looking for a boot, but The Dragon catches his leg! With a sweeping kick, he sends Roberts down on his ass! BOOM! Dropkick to the head! NOW KISERAGI WITH A FANTASTIC SPRINGBOARD MOONSAULT! NOW HE COVERS! ONE! TWO! KICK OUT!!!

Hanson: Kiseragi saying, ‘anything you can do, I can do better’! Some extreme mind games going on here, already! But Roberts has plenty of fight left in him, make no mistake.

Vinegar: But now BoolZ is back in the ring! Nails Kiseragi with the SoberingThoughts! And now takes Roberts down with the same move!! RBI screaming to these fans and they’re going nuts! Now he’s on the top rope! Roberts and Kiseragi both groggily getting back up. DOUBLE CROSS BODY ON BOTH MEN AND HE FOLLOWS THROUGH WITH THE PIN!!! ONE! TWO! T - KICK OUT!!!

Hanson: Woah! Now BoolZ saying ‘anything both of you can do, I can do better’!! What are these guys gonna do next?!

Vinegar: We’ve got front row seats to find out! RBI dragging Kiseragi to his feet and dumps him out of the ring! It seems the Hardcore Champion has his sights set on Travis Roberts! The Headliner is up, but BoolZ plants him with a snapmare, a kick to the spine and follows through with a low dropkick to the skull! Roberts having the asshole knocked outta him here!

Hanson: And look at that smile on BoolZ’ face. He’s enjoying this way too much!

Vinegar: Certainly no love loss between BoolZ and Roberts. These two men despise each other as much as two men can. And BoolZ stomping the hell out of The TWiSTeD Fight Club Champion! Now rolling to the outside and looking under the canvas for who knows what? I guess this match is going to get hardcore already! HE’S BACK IN THE RING WITH A CHAIR!

Hanson: BUT KISERAGI ON THE OPPOSITE ROPES! COMES DOWN WITH A DROPKICK!

Vinegar: BOOM! BLASTS THE STEEL RIGHT INTO BOOLZ AND THE RED BULL ICON IS DOWN IN AN INSTANT!

Hanson: But Roberts back in action! Another belly-to-back suplex takes Kiseragi down! The Headliner never misses a beat!

Vinegar: And now he has hold of that chair. Measuring the still recovering BoolZ and SMASH! RIGHT INTO RBI’S SKULL! BOOLZ IS OUT COLD! Now Roberts turning his attention back to Kiseragi, still with that now dented chair. Going on the attack, but The Dragon with a drop toe hold! THUD! Roberts face first into the steel! Now Kiseragi has hold of it! But he’s throwing it out of the ring! He doesn’t wanna use it!

Hanson: And he’s pulling The Blessed One up by the hair. TAKES HIM DOWN WITH A SPRINGBOARD HEAD SCISSOR! WOW!

Vinegar: These fans verbally showing their appreciation for our Global Champ’s breathtaking athleticism. And Roberts has been sent flying across the ring. Now Alex calling for The Blessed One to get to his feet. Roberts is groggily complying and The Dragon with an insanely fast shining wizard! NO! Roberts evades AND KISERAGI LANDS GROIN FIRST ON THE TOP ROPE!!

Hanson: And he’s got one leg hung up on either side of the ropes! But lucky for him he won’t be reproducing anyway. Not with his particular tastes…

Vinegar: You just couldn’t help yourself, could you?! Not even on the biggest night of our careers?!

Hanson: I really tried…

Vinegar: But that’s not important now. We’re more concerned with the match! Roberts doing a quick impersonation of what I think is a dragon, before booting Kiseragi in the face and right out of the ring!! Alex tastes the floor, hard!

Hanson: But BoolZ has recovered, Nick. And now he’s completely at The Blessed One’s mercy! But he’s not gonna receive any tonight, that’s for sure!

Vinegar: Roberts quickly puts BoolZ back down with a stiff DDT. Taking sometime to pretend he’s chugging a Red Bull now, before stiffly thumping his foot into RBI’s skull. You were spot on, Daniel. The only time Roberts holds up on his attack is to humiliate his opponent!

Hanson: And that’s what makes him so great, Nick. He doesn’t just want to go out and win every week, he wants to make sure he does it in style! Now picking BoolZ up and hoisting him into a suplex position. Impressive strength from The Headliner.

Vinegar: But now he’s carrying BoolZ over to the edge of the ring. Kiseragi’s back on his feet AND ROBERTS DUMPS RBI RIGHT ON TOP OF THE GLOBAL CHAMP!

Hanson: Woah! And BoolZ got pretty twisted up on the fall down, when his legs got caught by the cage wall. But then, Travis is The TWiSTeD Icon.

Vinegar: And now he’s raising his arms to the ceiling and these fans can’t stand it! I can’t repeat the chant they’re shouting!

Hanson: What are ya talking about?! This is Pay-Per-View, we can say what we want! They’re telling him to suck Declan’s janglies. This is just in poor taste.

Vinegar: Well, duh… but Roberts is exiting the ring, with a smile on his face. Almost as if these fans have given him an idea. He’s looking under the ring… AND HE’S PULLED OUT A CROWBAR!

Hanson: Ha! A tribute to our esteemed owner - and no, don’t say Boss P!

Vinegar: Wouldn’t have dreamed of it, besides, you said it for me. Now Roberts heading over to his still downed opponents. Kiseragi is climbing to his knees, but a THUNDEROUS thump from that crowbar to the head, puts The Dragon down. And BoolZ is also getting back up, as Roberts raises that weapon above his head. He’s gonna put RBI outta commission! HE SWINGS IT - BUT BOOLZ TAKES HOLD OF THE WEAPON! HE SNATCHES IT OUT OF TRAVIS’ GRIP AND BLASTS THE BLESSED ONE RIGHT IN THE STOMACH!

Hanson: ARGH! He can’t do that!

Vinegar: He just did! Now he BLASTS The Headliner in the head with that crowbar! Travis is face first on the floor now AND BOOLZ IS ANNIHILATING THE BACK OF HIS SKULL WITH THAT WEAPON! SHOT AFTER LETHAL SHOT! THERE’S BLOOD ON IT NOW, AS ROBERTS IT BLEEDING FROM THE BACK OF THE HEAD! BOOLZ STILL ABSOLUTELY CRUSHING THE BLESSED ONE’S HEAD! HE’S SNAPPED! HE MAY VERY WELL KILL ROBERTS AT THIS RATE!!!