The 2022 Massive Melee Pitch Thread

[UGWC Staff]

The Massive Melee Pitch Thread

ANYONE CAN PARTICIPATE - YOU DO NOT NEED TO BE ANNOUNCED

Participants will not write a full roleplay.

Instead, participants will write a short pitch for what their full roleplay would have been.

Roleplays should be posted in this thread. Be sure to include the character name at the beginning of the post.

Pitch can be a maximum of 250 words.

[Dave Rydell]

The promo starts with Dave Rydell sitting at O’Malley’s pub having a drink. In walks Lindsay, who tries to talk to him but Dave ignores her and she becomes upset. They speak for a brief moment and Dave exits. He does a lot of personal self-reflection. Wondering how he can’t have both. 
 
He goes to work out and has thoughts about his personal life and the melee. How important and consistent the event has been in his career. His close victories and his reason that stopped him from winning: himself. But this one was different, especially after the year he has had. He even thinks back on major players from his past that could and will be there. 
 
He falls asleep that night and enters into a dream world. Think game of thrones-ish. A battle for the throne. Most characters in the melee will be given a medieval name, and there will be a huge war. Dave will give a speech to his troops who will turn on him but eventually, Dave will reach the throne and battle a final few. Before it ends, and a winner is declared, he wakes up in a sweat. He ponders what just happened, gets up and goes to train again.  
 
Final scene is him staring at the arena from the ring. Thinking about it all. Thinking about winning this event. Thinking about the impact it will make, and doors it will open, on his final run in his career.
 
End.

[anthonyksavage]

Tony Savage presents: I TOLD you guys I ain’t doing this shit!

Synopsis: Once again, despite informing management and fans PUBLICLY (on SKY sports no less) he wasn’t going to participate in the Melee, the fucking powers that be decided to bill him as a participant.

THAT….FUCKING….DOES IT!! He’s accommodated this before, but, he’s had enough. Battle royals are steaming butt trash to Tony, and he doesn’t fuck with them. Besides, he already has a key. So, instead, he’s sending his bitch to do the bitch work. Introducing for the first time as a wrestler, UGWC and AW’s favorite cineatographer…

ACTION CAMERAMAN RICK!! *stats coming soon*



Rick has always wanted to wrestle, now he gets his chance. Enjoy a heartfelt and inspiring story of a 5’10, 168lbs lens jockey crash coursing the ins and outs of Royale battling. So, this week, enjoy the rousing and comedic adventures of a skinny, slightly nebbish lens jockey trying to make his grapes for cash dreams come true, while Tony sits on commentary eating cheat day chili fries and shitting on Covert Jay’s fashion sense. There might be an adventure involving a stolen ice cream truck and a guest appearance by Don Cheadle. Who knows?! One thing is certain…

Tony ain’t fucking with this. He don’t dance at Club Battle Royale. Let somebody who actually NEEDS this do the two step on the dance floor.

[ragdoll]

Picture this:

It’s Tuesday afternoon. The Melee has come and gone - entrants from all over seeking the key. The internet is abuzz - relentless. Hashtags are trending, all associated with UGWC and specifically the Massive Melee, but one name stands out above all: yours.

Who are you?

None other than the man of mystery and master of the most difficult move in wrestling, the drop toe hold - Señor Mascara. You shove the satin sheets aside and stretch away some of the soreness from the night before. As the kinks begin to work out, something catches your attention on the counter - a key. Something so simple…

The night was a blur - but the result? A quick touch to remember it’s real and then you toss on your clothes. There was a memory of a promo that was so good that it had cemented you into the annals of UGWC history, but you had been a bit tipsy when you recorded it. And it was in Spanish.

Ah well.

With a sigh, you push the button and step into the elevator to make your way downstairs

“How could it get any better?” you ask yourself as the doors open and the answer becomes clear: Blackjack and Hookers.

They say “What happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas” but what happened at the Bridgestone Arena in Nashville, Tennessee on Monday, October 3rd, 2022…that sort of thing follows you everywhere.

Señor Mascara #2022MassiveMeleeWinner

[EmbodimentOfFear]

Phrixus Deimos

Phrixus reflects upon his past performance in the Massive Melee and the seven years that have passed since he won the event in 2015. He determines that a new and unique strategy may be necessary to achieve victory once again.

Phrixus hypothesizes that given the objective of the match is to hold the ring while removing all opponents, that a surplus of flatulence may prove to be an unexpected advantage. He carefully observes the recent eating habits and bowel schedules of the roster, noting any recent changes. As part of the study, he feeds Konrad Raab a bean burrito and then locks him in a walk-in cooler.

Ultimately, Phrixus abandons the study, concluding that while behavior outside of his typical norms have brought success in the past, he cannot presently afford to take unnecessary or excessive risks. He views Tempest being the World Champion as another harbinger of doom, one that only he has the capacity to stop, which means that he needs to win the Massive Melee and secure the Key so that he can position himself to face Tempest at Horizons.

Finally, Phrixus informs Holden that he made him a sandwich and left it in the walk-in cooler.

[ragdoll]

Craig Cogan in “Is this Illegal?”

“Okay.”

The scene opens up. Craig Cogan is seen fiddling with a cabinet. He looks to be attempting to jimmy the lock, stopping for a moment to look up to the camera.

“Listen - hear me out - it's 5 dollars if you vote for me. I will Venmo you, I will Cashapp you, I will do a Western Union wire transfer if you vote for me!” he looks past the camera, whispering, “Is this illegal?”

“It’s…not really decided that way?” the cameraman responds.

“Wait - so how is this decided?” he asks.

“Last person thrown over the ropes is the winner.”

“The ropes?”

“Yes - it’s a rumble-type match.”

“Match?”

“Yes - this is a professional wrestling match.”

“Wait, this isn’t American Idol?” he asks, bolting upright. The camera pulls back to show Craig Cogan standing in the American Idol box office, wearing a homemade ninja costume. As he reaches his feet, a voice calls out.

“Hey, you can’t be in there!” The camera pans to see a woman wearing a ‘Staff’ shirt.

“Why?” Craig asks with a shrug, “Is this illegal?”

The staff member turns and begins to call for security. The Big Bad Brony looks to the camera, then to the exit, then to the camera again before taking off, yelling over his shoulder.

“Vote for me! Five dollars!” he shouts as he scurries away, security in hot pursuit.

And that’s when the real fun begins.

[ragdoll]

Walmart McDonald

"Hey there everyone. I'm Walmart McDonald, super centillionaire. As you can see, I'm here swimming in my vault of coins. I know what you're thinking, Scrooge McDuck right? Wrong: it's Walmart McDonald, ultra-centillionaire," The elaborate drone circles overhead as he is lifted from the coins via crane, "I hear you: if I'm so rich, why am I wrestling?"

The drone zips around and zooms in on his face.

"Because I'm also the greatest athlete in the world! 45 time gold medalist, one time platinum medalist. You? What do you have?"

Scoffs.

"What’s the secret to my success? How did I make so much money?" The corner of his lip raises ever-so-slightly. "From making money, of course. Idiots!”

Vain, not to be confused with Vain, laughter pours forth.

“Anyway, join me - Walmart McDonald - in my time machine as I take you on a journey to develop the most incredible move the wrestling world has seen in an adventure that would make Bill and Ted say: whoa.”

Pic Base: Elon Musk

Million Dollar Baby Boomer Bomber - A top rope 630 hurracanrana that flips them into the air so Walmart can catch them and powerbomb them so hard they rapidly age and die. He then no sells their entire career on social media after sending dick pics to their widow.

[JC]

The nightmare begins again...

The Bogeyman rises from the grave in the old burial ground, laughing maniacally as it climbs down the hills. Stinking of rot, it eventually finds itself in Chicago.

It begins to psychologically torment the roster of UGWC in ways that JC could never do physically. Reminding them of their shortcomings, bringing up deep-seated traumas and secrets that it shouldn't now. Every champion, every competitor in the Massive Melee, no one is safe. Some put up a front, some break down in front of it. Others try to physically make it stop, but you can't kill the Bogeyman.

Elsewhere, up at the burial ground where he unleashed it, JC can somehow see all of this is going on, but feels powerless to stop it. His sanity cracks at the horror he has unleashed on the wrestlers of UGWC and he retreats into a deep hole within himself as the vision of Tempest cackles in the background.

When they find JC, weeks later, he is emaciated and in the fetal position, but somehow still alive. The Bogeyman is more powerful now, but maybe if he can find his way down the steep hill he started this on, he could come to grips with his darker self and end it. Perhaps the Massive Melee will not only be a place to fight the best and strangest that UGWC has to offer, but a place to finally rid himself of the worst and darkest parts of himself.

[Sebastian Everett-Bryce]

The SEB Empire Presents... The Massive Melee Mutilation

It's spooky season, and in the build up to the Massive Melee, a devastating virus strikes sending the world into panic. Not to worry though, this disease isn't Covid. It's an old fashioned Zombie Virus! The devastating effects of being bitten by the afflicted are normal, in that recipient dies before reanimating as a mindless Zombie. Sounds fun, yes? Of course, our handsome front-man Sebastian Everett-Bryce is the sole survivor of such chaos, right?

Wrong! In fact, we join our hero as he rises from the dead as a mildly pathetic, brain-craving zombie. But here's the kicker... He's not only a Zombie, but he's also a ghost. A specter, left wandering the Earth incapable of passing on, all the while watching on in humiliation as his former body shambles on in search of sustenance.

Watch on as our hero learns to master the art of short-term possession, allowing him to momentarily stave off his own attacks upon people he loves and cares about, whilst dealing with the effects of being inside a rotting corpse that has an insatiable appetite for grey matter.

Watch him slowly learn to control his old body, and use his new Zombie... Powers... 

Can his relationship with the beautiful Sloane survive?

Of course not, he's dead! What a ridiculous idea! But at least they can remain friends... That won't be heartbreaking at all!

Can he adjust to this new life? Who knows! But we will find out!

[The Avenger]

LAST TIME IN THE AVENGERVERSE!

"We've got no time for that!" The Avenger screamed. "This is supposed to be a pitch!"

A pitch?

"Yeah!" Avenger told the narrator, nodding in the void we normally do these things in. "It's like a preview of coming attractions!" 

So we shouldn't do our normal pre-adventure banter? They normally like that! I say some things, you say some things, we never really explain how it is you can hear me...

"No time!" Avenger said. "Like, I want to ask why Morgan Freeman is here, but these are questions that will remain answerless!"

Well I can answer that. He's hard up for money now that Now You See Me 3 isn't happening, so he does narration on the side.

The Avenger nodded, as if this all made perfect sense to him. He thought for a moment, then shook his head, suddenly panicking!

"I SAID WE HAD NO TIME!" Vengy yelled uncharacteristically. "GET TO THE PITCH!!"

The narrator was confused at why there was no traditional story, but went with it.

NEXT TIME IN AVENGERVERSE: MASSIVE MELEE!

Your pal Vengy has finally discovered how to get to the negative universe and save his friend Sam! You know, that guy who went missing last year! But to do so, he'll have to go through a whole plethora of movie parodies! It's hilarious! Stupendous! The AvengerVerse episode to end all Avengerverse episode! How does this all happen? Why? Well I'm glad you asked. You see, it starts...

[EZRA]

INICIO!

We open to a whiteboard hanging on the wall with the currently up-to-date list of entrants into the Massive Melee. Standing next to the board with a marker in one hand and a powdered donut in the other is Tate Levene. There are powdered remnants dribbled down the front of his shirt like delicious dandruff. In front of the board is Ezra Wolf staring intently at the list of names. On the other side of the board is Tate’s grandma (she’s still alive?) seated in a motorized wheelchair that holds a skateboard in the basket.

The view pans out to reveal a 2nd whiteboard on the other side of Tate. In the center are the words ‘Massive Melee’ inside of a circle. Surrounding that are several other words in circles like ‘What’s in Missouri?’, ‘Conquest Title Pondering’, ‘Reflection in the Woods Pt. 2’, ‘More Gym Time’, etc.

Ezra throws his arms up in frustration and yells something at Tate. Tate sighs then begins crossing off the names on the board. He crosses off a few before Ezra yells and snatches the marker and begins crossing the names off faster. Tate sulks off past Grandma Levene then comes back to grab the skateboard.

Ezra continues crossing out the names before throwing the marker and storming off. Tate comes back into view as Grandma Levene says ‘do a kickflip’. Tate tries and fails, and we end with him writhing on the ground like Peter Griffin when he hurts his knee.

CONCLUSIONES!

[ragdoll]

“So: tell me again about the eucalyptus bars?”

“Okay what do you wanna know?”

Synopsis:
Roo the Boxing Kangaroo and Zaza the French-Frye loving koala play two pay-for-hire brawlers who often engage in deep, philosophical conversations while floating from location to location on their blimp, the aptly named PB-82.

Told outside of chronological order, this smart, hip, fast-paced and hard-talking story follows the two friends on their way across the world and into your hearts in search of the ultimate treasure: friendship.

Coming this Summer to a ProBoard near you.

Costarring:
Err Bear as “The Cleaner”
Kendall Jenner as “Mia Walrus”
Zaza’s cousin Luke as “Marcellus Walrus”

“Oh man! I'm going - that’s all there’s is to it.”

[ragdoll]

Join Gram Gram the Deathmatch Grandma as she goes from mild-mannered pistol enthusiast to full time fighter, the only way she knows how! One fist at a time!

Follow along as Gram Gram punches her way through round after round of action as she attempts to become Golden Glove champion. Watch as she works her way through her opponents defenses as they learn their lessons at the hands of her “dearies”.

Featuring boxing greats Mike Tyson, King Hippo, Piston Hondo, and Don Flamenco.

[capt80s]

Shouts in all caps.

Makes tons of 80s references.

Unintentional double entendres.

Name drop Roxy Cotton.

YEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!

[Vespertine]

(Vespertine walks in and looks around, sees all the fake wrestlers, comedy writers, and circus animals hi lites, sprinkled among a very sparse selection of real UGWC wrestlers and sighs dejectedly.)

Ves:  Nope.  Just.... nope.

(then turns around and walks back out.)